Sponsorship and Working With Others – Big Book Workshop – Eufaula, AL – Part 11 of 11 – Jim P.

work with us. We merely have an approach that works with alcoholism. But if he wants to go to church and he thinks that he can stop by going to church, I have seen people do that. I know a person who is a minister who says all the steps don't need to be done. He's 30 years sober. He's a minister in a church, but he doesn't think you need to do all the steps i disagree i disagree greatly but but i don't argue i don' t argue with him at all i mean minister and you know maybe it worked for him we don't have a monopoly on god we merely have an approach work with us the point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you'd like in any case to be friendly and let it go that so if somebody says i'm going a different way i'm going a different direction that's fine you can do that i got no problem with that and top page 96 says do not be discouraged if the prospect does not respond at once search out another alcoholic and try again you're sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer in this i've got highlighted we find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. In How It Works, it tells you there's two types of people who aren't going to get this program. There are those who cannot or will never get this program and will not completely give themselves to this simple way of life. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. Now it goes on, and this happened to me. I mean, my first seven or eight people that I worked with all got drunk, you know? And I went to my sponsor and I'm like, God, what am I doing wrong? And he's just a loving man. He just shakes his head and he says, What part of Bill's story did you not get? and it says right here Bill's story one of our fellowships failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects, he often says that if he continued to work on them he might have deprived many others who have since recovered of their chance so if Bill had kept working with those drunks that weren't getting sober he would have never worked with Dr. Bob he'd have been so tied up chasing down drunks that didn't want this program that cannot or will not completely give themselves suppose now you're making your second visit to the man this is all I mean up to this point we're just talking about our first visit we're talking about talking to his family finding out about him meeting with him talking about our drinking talking about a way out that we know about which is what the book almost was called and our spiritual approach and now we're talking about okay now we're on our second visit to the band and he said he's read this volume and says he's prepared to go through with the 12 steps of the program of recovery that's great the guy read the book and he's ready to go forward man that's a desperate alcoholic he is seeing his bottom and he understands what's going to happen having had the experience yourself you can give him much Practical advice. This is one of the first times this talks about advice. But the advice you're going to be giving him is work in the program of action that's outlined in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the advice. Let him know you're available if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story, but do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else. Don't get your feelings hurt if somebody says, I don't really want to talk with you about this. I'm going to go talk to somebody else. Okay. I planted a seed my job is a farmer I plant seeds and in the first step when it says my life is unmanageable when I admitted that that means that I no longer have the ability to question so why is a management question I'm in labor I'm going to be out there carrying the message not asking why did my brother die that just doesn't come into play I'm not in management and if he wants to go to somebody else I have no problem like I said guys down in Florida right now I'm cutting every one of them loose they can get another sponsor they need most of the guys got less than two years sobriety they need more face-to-face contact and they really do and I am not offended when somebody says Jim I'm thinking about changing a sponsor I'm like great at least you're not thinking about drinking you know and it goes on and we got a lot of them down there I don't know how many up here but he may be broke and homeless and if he is you might try to help him about getting a job or give him a little financial assistance but you should not deprive your family or creditors of money they should have perhaps you'll want to take the man into your home for a few days okay but be sure you use discretion be sure you use discretion the reason I don't take a drunk into my house is I was a drunk I know what drunks do when he leaves some of my stuff is going out the door with him ok I know from my personal experience so I use discretion be certain he will be welcomed by your family and that he's not trying to impose upon you for money connections or shelter if somebody's trying to use me i can see that an alcoholic can see through a through a fresh alcoholic real easy you know i can see if somebody is going to be using me and the answer is going to be no i'm not going to be used i'm going to do anything i can to help you i'll help you if you don't have an education, I'll help try to find you where you can get a GED. If I know of a job available and I know you're serious and I Know that you're doing the deal, I'll give you a kind word to help you get a job. But if you're not serious, I need to leave you alone. Back then they used to bring them into their homes and Bill did that a lot. and Lois would come home from work. Bill didn't have a job for years. Lois had come home. The house would be full of drunks. They'd be eating all of her food. She's the one making money. She really was not happy for a while there, but she was thrilled that Bill wasn't drinking. She was thrilled at that. And she got mad at him. She got mad at him because Alcoholics Anonymous and the Oxford Group helped Bill stay sober. and when they wrote the movie, when Bill Borchette wrote the movie, he had interviewed Lois for thousands of hours and it was called When Love Is Not Enough the Lois Wilson story about Al-Anon that Lois had finally gotten so mad at Bill one day that she threw a shoe at him before she realized that you know what okay, all these drunks are in my house, they're taking up my food they're taken up space but my husband's sober, he's not dying and he's helping other people. She was upset because all of her love couldn't keep him sober. You know? Frothy emotional appeal. Permit that and you only harm him if you're giving him money, you're getting him shelter. He's got to stand on his own two feet. You will be making it possible for him to be insincere. you may be aiding in his destruction rather than his recovery ok page 97 it says never avoid these responsibilities but be sure you're doing the right thing if you assume them helping others is the foundation stone of my recovery, of your recovery a kindly act once in a while isn't enough You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may means sharing your money or your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails, and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected, which is what Lois felt. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home or burn a mattress. There's another reason not to take a drunk into your house right there. And you may have to fight with him if he's violent. Well, I just do not fight with anybody, so I'm not bringing a drunk home. sometimes you'll have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction that ain't happening ok I ain't doing that, that ain'T happening they did it back then they got sedatives and they administered them Bob and Bill both in their stories talks about mixing sedatives and alcohol so were they dual addicted? Probably but I'm not administering any sedatives to anybody that's done by medical professionals and I'm an EMT that doesn't matter I'm just not going to do it you hit him on the head a hammer another time you may have to send for the police or an ambulance occasionally you'll have to meet such conditions and occasionally back then they have to met such conditions we have a pretty firm rule in our group it's central and we're a club it's a clubhouse we have five meetings a day but they're all central meetings we don't call the police on drugs alright they have a guy who works for the club and if somebody is violent in a meeting and violently outburst or throwing chairs around and a couple of guys will ask him to go outside, and they'll go outside with him and try to talk him down off the ledge. But we won't call the police. The guy who's running the coffee bar for the club has authority to call the policemen and trespass him off the property. We are not going to kick that person out of Alcoholics Anonymous, but he might be trespassed for 30 or 60 days from coming back on that property. But there's 129 groups in Central Florida, and so we're not throwing them out of AA but if you can't not be we have to create a safe environment in Alcoholics Anonymous no matter what so you can allow people to be violent asking a drunk to leave a meeting because he's drunk and he's not doing anything besides sitting there and he is drunk is absolutely wrong but if he gets violent a couple of guys need to take him outside if she gets violent a couple girls need to take her outside I've always felt that and I still feel that way but if they're not available then we had a girl one of my best female friends down in Central Florida she's got about 26 years right now named Suzanne she would yell and scream in meetings drunker than hell and they would pick the chair up with her in it and take it outside and set it in the parking lot and allow her still to have her chair and yell and scream in the parking lot. I love that girl so much. She is such a hoot now. All right, it says we seldom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for long at a time. It's not good for them and it sometimes creates serious complications in the family. That's why. Back then, they would take in a drunk. They would try to sober them up. And then they would get them a place. Go to the mission. They had lots of missions back then. The Sally. Salvation Armies. Because I'm not going to create complications in my family trying to help you. I'm going to try to help YOU. And maybe if you're not drinking, you can spend a couple nights on the couch until we can find you a bed someplace in a rehab, in a halfway house in a Salvation Army but you're not living with me. I didn't marry you. I'm here to help you. I'm not here to marry you, all right? And I'm going to be your wife. And I am not going to create complications in my family. Though an alcoholic does not respond there is no reason why you should neglect his family. You should continue to be friendly to them. The family should be offered your way of life. Should they accept and practice spiritual principles there's a much better chance that the head of the family will recover back then men were the head of the head of the that isn't always the case nowadays but it's still you're offering them the family the same opportunity that they're offering the drunk to live on spiritual principles get them an Alamon book ask them to go to some Alamond meetings and if the guy's not responding then it's up to them what they're going to do about it. And even though he continues to drink, the family will find life more bearable. So if the family is going to Al-Anon and the drunk is still coming home drunk, things are going to be better in the family because at least they're practicing a spiritual way of life. At least they've tried. And if he sees that, there's a better chance that he's going to get well. And this is what was going on back in 1939, and it's still going on today. Where am I at? For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is needed or wanted. The men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol are on the wrong track. Give me money, give me a place to live. but I'm not going to stop drinking I don't think so homie that's not going to happen in my world alright yet we do go to great extremes to provide each other with these very things when such action is warranted this may seem inconsistent but we think it's not so what they're saying is if if somebody is really trying we may give them a little bit of charity. We may give them a little Bit of money we may let them sleep on the couch if they're really trying. It's not a matter of giving that is in question but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. So the minute our work is on a service plan he's not looking for the real answer. He's not looking for the spiritual answer. This is not a part of a spiritual program. This entire program to me was divinely inspired and it is spiritual in all nature. And so we don't give him all this assistance and deny him the chance that he needs to find his ultimate authority himself. clamors for this and that claiming that he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for nonsense some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth here's something you ought to highlight job or no job wife or no wife we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence upon God let me say that again job or no job, wife or no wife. We simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. And he goes on to say, Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trusts in God and a clean house. and Dr. Bob wrote and help others that's how simple this program came down to trust God, clean house help others I'm going to read this next paragraph and then we'll stop now the domestic problem there may be divorce, separation just strained relations when your prospect has made such reparations as he can to his family and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he's lucky enough to have a home. Because a lot of times by now, there ain't no home for him to go back to. But I've seen families reunite after a year or two years. I've seeing people get back together because they've gotten sober, they've stayed sober, and they're helping others. Though the family may be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstrations. Argument and fault finding are to be avoided like the plague. Argument and fault finding are to be avoided like the plague. In many homes this is a difficult thing to do but it must be done if any results are to be expected. If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man's family is sure to be great. The most incompatible people discover that they have a basis upon which they can meet. Little by little, the family may see their own defects and omit them. These can then be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness. Helpfulness and friendleness. After they have seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally in good time provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful regardless of what anyone says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times, but we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree. What Bill is telling us there is that as long as we're trying to demonstrate A, that we're sober B, that were being considerate and that we are helpful regardless of what anybody thinks if we're demonstrating that the family is going to see it and they're probably going to want to be a part of your life again. Sometimes, like me, I took it too far, and I have a former wife. I used to call her an ex-wife. I call her a formerwife now. Who's going to be very unhappy very soon because she just got her last child support check. But it's one of the greatest things in my life that when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and then we got a divorce that my sponsor said you have a responsibility to your son until he turns 19 years old and I have never missed a child support payment I have been in bankruptcy I have had to get a loan I have to sell things that I didn't want to sell I have not patted myself on the back for that but what it is is I kept my word I kept my word to the judge to my former wife to my son I kept my word the biggest thing about alcoholics and otherness is it's taught me to keep my word so I don't say yes to everything I'll think about it, I'll try maybe are all acceptable words to use but if I say yes, I'm going to do it because I'm gonna keep my work and I've said yes to some things that after an hour of reflection, I said, I ain't going to do that. And you know what? I'd do it anyway because I said I would because that's what's inside of me now. I say I'm going to be here at 3 o'clock. It's going to take an act of God, an accident or something to keep me from being here at three o'clock every Sunday until we get done. All right? But I'm gonna stop right there. I've got a lot out there for you. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Do you think God understands when I say I'll be here at 3 o'clock but really inside I know it's probably going to be 10 after 3? God understands. I don't understand why you can't be here at 3 O'Clock when you say you're going to be here 3 Oclock. I'm an alcoholic. My name is Jim Powers. Hey. And let's open this with a moment of silence for the sick and suffering alcoholic, followed by the serenity prayer. Serenity Prayer? God, grant me the serENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. and thank you all for coming back and listening to me again and again and again this is week 8 and I've really enjoyed this I've thoroughly enjoyed doing this with you all and I really appreciate you all giving me the opportunity to do it here we are in working with others and where we stopped does anybody remember we stopped on page 99 but before we go to that I want to do a couple things because this entire chapter I told you was Bill talking about the importance of how he's going to stay sober he's gonna stay sober but he's not gonna stay sober because he's working with others alright and if we go back just hold your finger on that page if we got if we look back to page 14 in Bill's story it says there my friend emphasized on the bottom of the page my friend emphasizes the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me faith without works was dead he said and how appalling true for the alcoholic for if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. And if he did not work, he would surely drink again and if he drank, he would certainly die then faith would be dead indeed and with us it was just like that. So Bill in his story, before he's ever even written the 12 steps, Bill in this story is talking about how the 12th step is going to come about and he hasn't even written them yet Because we haven't gotten that far yet. Jump over to page 19, and there's a solution. On the bottom of page 19... No, at the first paragraph. None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. So they're saying we don't work, make it our sole job to do this. We feel the elimination of our drinking is but a beginning, a much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations, and affairs. And then at the bottom of the page it says, Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions or attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depend upon the constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. And if we jump back on page 18, there's a solution that says, but the ex-problem drinker who has found the solution, the 12 steps, who is properly armed with the facts about himself can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. until such an understanding is reached little or nothing can be accomplished so how is Bill already knowing you know that working with others is going to be the most important part of this program well it's from Ebby bringing the message to him from the Oxford group and in the Oxford groups they had six steps and one of their steps was helping others now one of the things that happened and oneof the reasons that they broke apart is the Oxford group started to have a little conflict with the alcoholics. The alcoholics were really just trying to work with alcoholics that were coming in, and the Oxford grouper were wanting them to do other things, to spread the message, to carry the good news, things like that. And the alcoholists really were just really feeling like they needed to work directly with other alcoholics, and that's where the split came about 1938-39 when Alcoholics Anonymous got formed because they broke off from the Oxford group. But most of these, the 12 steps, six of those steps were from the Oxford group, they were just rewritten by Bill and then he divided them up a little bit, expanded them a little bit and made them into 12 steps and when he got done, he wrote in about a half hour I told you after he prayed for guidance and when he got down he noticed that they were numbered 1 to 12 and he thought 12 steps, 12 disciples. He kind of thought that was good. And I told you that in the beginning the first four and a half chapters how much fighting there was between the first hundred or so when the manuscript was being written some of them didn't want God in there at all some of whom wanted God all over it some ofهم wanted Jesus Christ all over it and Bill almost quit. He almost threw up his hands and said I'm just not going to do this anymore unless you let me write the book. And after the Chapter 5 was written and rewritten and rewritten, Chapter 5 Was Rewritten 44 Times Before It Finally Got Approved by Everybody. And all the other members agreed that from that point forward, Bill could write the book, and he would send them copies of it, and they would look at it. But if he wanted to, he would change something, but he wasn't required to. He was in charge of writing the book. and so in working with others and we're going to go back and jump over to page 98 start there I told you this this will probably be the end of me reading line by line because what we're going to find in a couple of pages is we've read the program of action as outlined in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous the 12 steps and this is the 12th one right here it's not a matter of giving that's in question but when and how to give that often makes the difference between failure and success the minute we put our work on service plane the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God the whole book the whole time Bill's writing this book he's trying to lead us to a power greater than ourselves not tell us who that power should be but tell us that we're going to have to have a power greater than ourself if we're gonna stay sober and that we are going to work with others if we are gonna maintain sobriety and keep increasing our spiritual awareness he clamors for this or that claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for nonsense some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn the truth and what he is saying there is that when they were doing it between 35, when he and Bob met, and then eight days later they went to Bill Dotson in the sanitarium, all the things that they tried to help alcoholics with for the next three and a half and four years that didn't work. They took some pretty hard knocks. They found out some pretty heartless things. And so he's saying that they have taken some very hard knocks to learn the truth that you can't depend on man. you have to depend on the power greater than yourself God of your understanding and he goes on to say job or no job wife or no wife and then you can add anything else husband or no husband children or no children we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence upon God alright and then he goes on to tell you burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone the only condition is that he trusts in God and clean his house alright and when Bob said that the simplest way to look at this program is trust God clean house and help others and that really sums up the 12 steps now it goes on and we're going to get into a couple of domestic things the domestic problems there may be divorce separation are just strained relations. And he's using himself as an example with Lois, and he's used Dr. Bob and Ann Smith as examples. When your prospect has made such reparations as he can to his family and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put these principles into action at home. That is, if he's lucky enough to have a home. because there's an awful lot of us that get here. We don't have a home. We don'T have a can to do whatever in. We DON'T have anything. All we have is desperation to get out of the hell that we've created. Nobody created it for us. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration argument and fault finding are to be avoided like a plague remember last week when I said that arguing and finding fault with the other person when we've already read through here that the troubles of our own making that our self-centeredness is what caused all this in the beginning and that drinking really wasn't our problem it was just a symptom of our problem of our selfishness and self-centeredness of our fears in many homes This is a difficult thing to do, but it must be done if any results are to be expected. We're on page 99, Greg. If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man's family is sure to be great. The most incredible people discover that they have a basis upon which they can meet. Little by little, the family may see their own defects and omit them. These can be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness instead of argument and fault finding, if we're living on a different plane, if we'RE living on the spiritual basis, then you can have these discussions, as I call them, without getting into arguments. After they have seen tangible results. Now, not heard tangible results, we're talking about the family members. After they've seen tangible result, The family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided. However, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful regardless of what anyone says or does. Now, what I've learned in the program is that not everybody's going to like me. and that's a sad thing because I like to be liked I'm selfish, self-centered and I like the bottom line but not everybody is going to like me but I know for a fact if I didn't do anything to harm you and I know that my God knows I didn' t do anything to harm me then what you think about me is none of my business that's on you so they are saying right here as long as he continues to demonstrate that he can be sober considerate and helpful regardless of what anybody says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times in how it works. It says we are not saints. We strive for perfection but I don't know anybody who is ever going to be perfect. I've just never met a perfect person but I've met a lot of people who strive for perfection. But we always fall a little bit short of the standard that we set for ourselves. but we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by another spree. So if we're sober, we're considerate, we're helpful, we need to stay that way and we need To Repair the Damage in Our Family immediately. When he uses words like immediately at once he's not wanting you to stand around and think about it for a long period of time. If there be divorce or separation there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. When you're drunk like me for 30 years, it's going to be real hard for my wife to understand that I'm living on a spiritual basis in six months, in a year, in two years. It takes time. Time takes time, and that's what Bill is trying to let us know right there. If their old relationship is to be resumed, it must be on a better basis, a spiritual basis I call it, since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is the best interest of all concerned that a couple remain apart. And now he goes on to say, obviously no rule can be laid down. So they're not telling you, you've got to do this, you have to do that. It's how your God is working in your life when you're repairing the damage in your family. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties. and to me that means that he's telling me that God will bring them back together if they're meant to be back together if the damage has been too great like it was in my case then I have to keep living the program day by day and I have not created any havoc in my former wife's life and I've done that now for 14 years avoided creating havoc in her life for the first three and a half years that I was bouncing in and out and she was pushing buttons and I was sending emails and nasty grams, as I call them. I was the one that continued to get drunk. When I started putting this program of action into my life, I started living on a different basis. And when I'd get a nasty gram in, my sponsor would tell me, you've got a couple of different buttons. You don't have to hit reply. There's a delete button. And I went, wow. There is a delete. There's no delete button there. let no alcoholic say that he cannot recover unless he has his family back this just isn't so in some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another remind the prospect remind the person you're working with that his recovery is not dependent upon people not dependent on the wife coming back not dependent on the family coming back. His recovery is dependent on his relationship with his God. It says it right there. It's dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We've seen others slip when the family comes back too soon. So you really have to let them know that that is not something that's up to you as what we now call a sponsor. that's up between the person who's in this program who's gotten through all the way up through the 11 steps and now he's working with other people but we're working with a guy and we need to let him know that whether they come back or not it's up to God because everything is up to god and he's telling you that he's seen them when they comeback too soon they slip and sometimes they never come back mine never came back and God bless her she's got a great new life both of you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress both you and the New Man so instead of me being able to just say ok you need to do this and I'm going to go over and do this like I said last week you've got to be able to follow me around 24 hours a day and see how I live my life and if I'm not living it on a spiritual basis that I'm not practicing this program. I am not a saint. I am NOT going to church on a regular basis. But I am following the dictates that have been put in this book. And my life is better today than I could ever dream. And I've got all kinds of things that are going in the south direction right now. And I know that God's going to catch them before they get too far down and He's goingto turn them north. I just have to believe that. if you persist remarkable things will happen when we look back we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned and I have made some great mistakes in sobriety because I had a great plan you know, I used to say I'd tell my sponsor hey, I've got a good idea and he would tell me, pray about it And then I'd call him and say, I've got a great idea. And he'd say, come over. Normally by the end of those great ideas he's like, where are you at? I'm in page 62. I'm selfish and self-centeredness. That's exactly where my great ideas got me. You know? Follow the dictates of a higher power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world no matter what your present circumstances. Follow the dictates of a higher power and you'll live in a wonderful world. When working with a man and his family, remember that we're not just working with a man, that we need to be talking to his family also. We need to help him. We need help in the family if we can. We need know as much about the person we're going to be working with to know how we address issues with them. When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels. Stay out of their business. Do not take sides. You know, that is not your job. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do. But urge upon a man's family that he has been a very sick person and should be treated accordingly. And so what I've told the parents of the kids that I work with, the wives of the guys that I worked with, is I'm dealing with a sick person. You've been dealing with an ill person for a long time. You just thought he was weak-willed, and you didn't believe it's an illness. And now this book has shown me I have a threefold illness. The doctor told me about two parts of it, and then Dr. Young had the third part, and when they were brought all together, I had to get over my spiritual malady before I could be physically and mentally healed. you should warn talking about to the family you should warrant against arousing resentment or jealousy you should point out that his defects of character are not going to disappear overnight show them show them not tell them but show them that he has entered upon a period of growth and ask them to remember when they are impatient the blessed fact that he is sober in the book it talks about you know, the guy whistling in the wind. You know, any grandma, the wind stopped blowing. Woo-woo, I stopped drinking. You know? If that's all you want in life is to stop drinking, that's fine. I had a guy who used to say all the time, there's no wrong way to stay sober if that's what you want is to stay sobre. But I wanted something else. I wanted someone that I stole for so many years. I wanted peace of mind. And just stopping and drinking was not giving me peace of mine. Stopping drinking made me restless, irritable, and discontent. And so I needed to do this, what Bill wrote down, and what this first 100 agreed to. I neededto do this. And at first, when I came in the program and I got sober a little bit, my former wife stopped the divorce. And when I was sober 45 days, I'd been drinking 30 years. She'd lived with me for 21. when I was sober for 45 days when I hadn't had a drink for 45 days, I had not worked this program she decided that she wanted to celebrate with me and reconcile our relationship by going out and getting drunk together and I was very happy that she want to reconcile and I thrilled that if she wanted to get drunk that was going to be fine by me but I was really trying not to drink so we went out and she started having some margaritas, I was having iced tea I was having a great time. For the first time in my life, I was Having a Great Time Not Drinking. She proceeded to get drunk and because I wouldn't, she got so damn mad at me when we went home that night she went into her room, slammed the door, locked it, and called the attorney and the divorce was back on. And my head was just spinning around going, what in the world is going on? And what did I do? The next day, I picked up a bottle of whiskey and I went right back at it. I went right back at it as hard as I could for about another two months. And the divorce was on. And you know what? It took me three and a half years of in and out. Because while the divorce Was on, and I was in the bottle, I gave away the only thing that mattered to me. I gave it away to my son. You know, a five-year-old boy, I gave him away to another man to raise three states away. I gave way an awful lot of other things because I just didn't want to hear any more bitching about my drinking. I just wanted a drink. And then I had a moment of clarity. I came back in the room. I picked up a white chip. People said, you need to get a sponsor. That went over my head. You know, people said, you need you to put these steps in your life. I'll just go to meetings and I'll pray and I won't drink. And that didn't work for me. That didn't look good for me It goes on to say, if you've been successful in solving your own domestic problems tell the newcomer's family how that was accomplished in this way you can set them on the right track without becoming critical of them never want to be critical of somebody else's family you want to tell them how i set my wrongs right and it was when i finally gave up the story of how you and your wife settle your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism I know lots of people who got back together. They separated, they didn't get a divorce, the person came in, actually worked a program of recovery, and they were able to get back together, he's talking here about him and Lois, and Bob and Ann again, and it goes on to say, at the bottom of the page, assuming we are spiritually fit, assuming we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do, and people don't read that and study that and they decide well I haven't been drinking for six months I'm going to go to my sister's wedding and I'm gonna hang around after the reception and it's gonna go on to tell us right now that people have said that we must not go where liquor is served we must have it in our homes we must shun friends who drink we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes. We must not go into bars. Our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses. We mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. And their experience shows that that's not necessarily so. Their experience shows the fact that if they are spiritually fit, you can go where you need to go. We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind. There is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be someplace like Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything. And they would too. Ask any woman that sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem. Geographical changes. If I move here, if I go there, it will be different. I mean, all of us know about geographical changes. What winds up happening everywhere I move somewhere or go somewhere? There I am. There I are. Okay? No, you can't. Bill goes on to say, In our belief, any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. every time he went to the asylum he was locked away from booze so he didn't drink every time he came out because he didn' t have a spiritual answer Bill picked up a drink and that had been happening to thousands and thousands and thousands of men and women until the time came where that spiritual experience hit Bill and he realized that whatever he had brought him whatever he called religion from the Oxford group was really a spiritual sense and that he needed to be able to be in front of alcohol. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself, he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. So what he's saying, again, is if we're trying to shield ourselves, if we're trying to hide from alcohol and we're not spiritually fit we're going to have a worse relapse than ever this progressive fatal illness that's in my body right now is waiting for me to pick up a drink and if I do it's not going to be just to have an explosion it's going to mean to have another one or have an explosive and I'll die so he goes on the second to last paragraph so our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking and you know I started off this whole workshop talking about squiggly lines the italics are very important if we have a legitimate reason for being there if we have a legitimate reason for being there that includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings even plain ordinary whoopee parties now since I've been sober and since I'm in this program in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous I have never been to a whoopee party because I don't have any reason to be at a whopee party I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me what one is anyway but I'm sure it's some kind of you know fun time the person who's had experience with an alcoholic this may seem like tempting providence but it isn't because if we have a legitimate reason for being there and we're spiritually fit, we can go around places that serve alcohol. In my real estate career, we have conventions. We have all kinds of things. There are some people in my office that know that I'm in recovery and there are some People that don't. So I get handed the two or three drink tickets whenever I go to the convention and I always go up and get a ginger ale with a piece of lime in it and everybody thinks that I'm having some kind of drink except my broker and the people who know I'm in recovery. They know I am having a ginger ale. You know, I have a legitimate reason for being there. My broker has requested me to be there. He requested me at our Christmas party. Almost everybody in my office drinks. Not all of them drink to an extreme. A couple of them might be heavy drinkers. I don't know if any of them are alcoholics. I know four who are alcoholic and they all worked right next to me one of them killed himself two years ago drank himself to death 17 years in and out of the program never could do a four-step another one had a stroke died two years before he died and now he's a doctor two years ago the other one right now is living in a halfway house down on the south part of town struggled just like I did but never surrendered and so I can go I can go any of these places When I was just in Orlando, we had a cancer fundraiser for a real good close friend of my son who's in the program. Seven years she's from Scotland, seven years sober, and they had a fundraiser, and it was at a soccer stadium, but the fundraiser was in the bar. When I Was In Orlando, I went there to see her and her son because he was in a little bit of a remission time and they hadn't met at the hospital. They had already left by the time I got there. I'm standing there, I make my donation towards the cancer and I'm looking around and I see everybody drinking. At that point, I'm spiritually fit because I'm working this program and I say to myself, I don't know any of these people, everybody's drinking, they're all encouraging me to go to the bar, what do I need to do? I need you to go out and get in my car and leave. And that's exactly what I did. I tell my guys, when you're new in recovery and you have to go to these places, take your own vehicle. Take your cell phone so you can call. Try to go with another recovering alcoholic. These are all ways that you won't get tempted when you are there. But if you are spiritually fit and you Have a legitimate reason for being there, there is no reason for you not to be a part of life because alcohol is all over life. the last paragraph it says you will note that we make an important qualification therefore ask yourself on each occasion have I any good social business or personal reason for going to this place or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places and if you answer these questions satisfactorily which means honestly to yourself. You need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motives in going is thoroughly good. I'm going to repeat that again. But be surer you are solid spiritual grounds before you start and that your motive going in going is thoroughly good do not think of what you can get out of the occasion think of which you can bring to it if you but if you're shaky you'd better work with another alcoholic instead and so what they're saying is go anywhere if you're spiritually fit but if not it's best to be talking to another alcoholic to be working with another alcoholic talking to your sponsor because it says why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking sighing about the good old days at the end of my drinking i do not consider those good old ways i was a chronic hopeless drunk and i was at home with the blinds drawn drinking myself to death now that was not the good ol day the good ole days might have been the few times when I started drinking and I'd go out to the bars with some friends and we'd laugh and have fun. I always wound up drunk, but I wasn't dying at that time. I crossed the line. If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there. If it's a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along let your friends know that you're not to change their habits on your account at a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you everybody that knows me the people I grew up with the few that still are alive everybody who knows me and that goes with me knows that I don't drink not all of them know that I'm an alcoholic. Not all of them know that I go to Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis. They know that alcohol does something to me, disagrees with me and I just don't want to drink. I let them know that. And so I don't get offered drinks by people in my office when we go to a Christmas party. They know it just doesn't agree with me. If they assume I'm alcoholic, good. Maybe that plants a seed to them. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't mater to me. Who knows? if you do this thoroughly few people will ask you to drink while you were drinking you were withdrawing from life little by little this book over and over describes my life now you're getting back into the social life of the world don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor i got a friend that comes up to my property in randolph county every year in november to hunt And he was the one that was the catalyst for me to come up last November and when I found my brother dead for three days. We came up because his brother was getting ready to be released from an alcoholic rehab center after his leg was amputated and he wanted to know what was going to happen. And I told him, I can't play God but I know what's going to happened. He's going get out. He hasn't had a drink in three months. He's got to have a pocket full of pain pills. He's gonna get a bottle, a gallon of Gallo because that's what he'd like to drink and in a couple weeks he's probably going to die. He died in two days. Just that way. Okay? But when he comes up to my property to hunt for a weekend, he'll bring up like an 18-pack of O'Douls. It doesn't bother me a bit. And it's always been a running joke for about the past 10 years. He'll always say, Jim, would you like an O'Douls? And I go, what's the point? And he just laughs because he knows I'm in here. He knows why. He's glad I'm here. We're much better friends than when I was drinking. Your job now is to be at a place where you may be in maximum helpfulness to others so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. Remember on page 77 it talks about our real purpose being of maximum service to God and our fellows? So we're here to be helpful now so we should never hesitate to go anywhere if we can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. I went to some pretty sordide spots on earth when I was drinking. And I've gone to some real sordided spots on earth to pick up drunks and take them to detox. But I go there like I always say with somebody else and I go THERE with the proper motive and I GO THERE spiritually fit. I'm going there to perform service. Now, this is up, and when Bill says it, he says it because some of them did, some of whom don't. Back then, a lot of them kept alcohol in their homes. And when they brought people into their homes to detox them, they would detox them down with a little bit of alcohol. I do not recommend that. I don't recommend giving a shaking alcoholic a drink I don' t know what else they've got in their system there's just too many pain killers out there that they won't tell you that they're taking and I don''t want to be the one responsible so I don ''t keep alcohol in my home and it's not because I'm worried about me drinking it most people who come to my home either bring their own or don't drink like the guy who brings the O'Douls we often need to carry green recruits through severe hangover this is what they were doing in 39 some of us still serve it to our friends provided they are not alcoholic but some of us think we should not serve liquor to anyone i'm one of those we never argue this question we feel that each family in light of their own circumstances ought to decide for themselves Now, I don't serve it to green recruits. I don'T serve it to guys who just got out of detox and they're still shaking. They're in detox to detox. When they get out they need to get into the program and get into the action of the steps. They don'T need a sip here and there. All that does is set off the physical craving again and it's back on another round. But it does say that they're not telling you you have to do it one way or another. They're giving you an option. we are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. It's not helpful for me. It's no helpful to the institution. It's non helpful to other people. People drink. There are people who can drink and have a couple drinks and enjoy themselves, have a few glasses of wine. I know people who could do that. I'm not one of them. and so I don't downgrade it I don' t say that wineries should be banned or this should be that that's none of my business my business is to keep myself sober and to help a new person achieve sobriety through these steps every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch burners a spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved had it not been for such stupidity. So we're not running around screaming against alcohol. Back in the third step, we found out that alcohol was just a symptom of an alcoholic's disease. The selfish and self-centeredness over and over. Our own selfish and Self-Centeredness was our real problem, was the root of our problem. we would not even do the cause of temperate drinking any good for not one drinker in a thousand likes to be told anything about alcohol by one who hates it and I liken this to reformed smokers oh you ought to quit they've been smoking 20 years now they're weak without a cigarette oh you've got to quit smoking go away I will quit smoking when God and I worked the 12 steps on my nicotine problem. I have not decided to quit smoking. My sponsor of 28 years sober, 50 years a smoker, decided 30 days ago that he didn't want to smoke anymore. He's having real trouble breathing and he just said, I'm done. And he took the book and he went through the 12 Steps and he hadn't had a cigarette in 30 days. And I am so proud of that man. I really am. I really are. That's great. alright, it goes on someday we hope the Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to have a better realization of the gravity of the alcoholic problem but we shall be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness and hostility drinkers will not stand for it after all our problems were of our own making, bottles were only a symbol besides We have stopped fighting anyone, anybody, or anything. We have to. Now that right there, with the doctor's opinion, is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The next three chapters were to the wives, to the family afterwards, and to the employers. And so this book in 1939 was being mailed out. Sometimes a wife would write to New York, and she would read the chapter to the wives and then maybe leave this book laying around for her husband to find. The chapter to The Wives was written by Bill Wilson. A lot of people thought it was written By Lois. Bill gave Ann Smith the first opportunity to write it, and when she said she didn't want to write It, Bill said, well, I'll write It. And Lois said, no, I'LL write It! And Bill said no, the publisher wants It to flow just like It's been flowing, so I need to write IT. and in Lois remembers and in the Lois Wilson story when love is not enough Lois carried her resentment the rest of her life but she didn't get to write that chapter the whole chapter about two of the wives is about forgiveness alright I didn't know we were going to end so early and so we're probably not going to have a second hour today but what I want to do is and this is the only time I think I'm going to do this As a matter of fact, I know it's the only time I'm going to do it because like I said, we were just going to be studying the history and up to the 12 steps. I think if you want to read to the wives, to the family afterwards and to the employers, that's great. A Vision for You is a fantastic chapter but you can never get a vision for you if you haven't done the program of action. And in the 12 and 12, which Bill wrote 13 years later I'm gonna read one little thing right here. A.A.'s manner of making ready to receive this gift, the gift of peace of mind and of tolerance, of honesty, unselfishness, and love, lies in the practice of the 12 steps of our program. So let's consider briefly what we've been trying to do up to this point. Step 1 showed us an amazing paradox. we found that we were totally unable to be rid of the alcohol obsession until we first admitted that we Were Powerless Over It. In step two, we saw that since we could not restore ourselves to sanity, some higher power must necessarily do so if we were to survive. Consequently, in step three, we turned our will and our lives, our thoughts and our actions, over to the care of God as we understood Him. for the time being we who were atheist or agnostic discovered that our own group or AA as a whole would suffice as a higher power beginning with step four we commenced to search out the things in ourselves for which has brought us to physical, moral and spiritual bankruptcy we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves not anybody else looking at step five we decided that an inventory taken alone wouldn't be enough we knew that we'd have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts and in honesty confide these to God and to another human being at step six many of us balked for the practical reason that we did not wish to have all our defects of characters removed because we still love them some of them too much I would have to say there's still some that I care about affectionately I don't love them anymore but an awful lot of them I don' t want and I want them gone and I think God takes away those ones that we need taken away each day when we ask him you know I'm not a greedy person I was when I came in here yet we knew we had to make a settlement with the fundamental principles of step six so we decided that while we still had some flaws of character that we could not yet relinquish We ought nevertheless to quit our stubborn rebellious hanging on to them. We said to ourselves, this I cannot do today, perhaps, but I can stop crying out, no, never. And so one of the things that's been hammering into me is never say never because you just don't know what God's got in store. Then in step seven we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings such as he could or would under the conditions of the day we ask. Each day, each day. We're living this program day by day, so each day we have to ask. And how are we living? What are the conditions that we're asking? In step eight, we continued our housecleaning for we saw that we were not only in conflict with ourselves, but also with people and situations in the world in which we lived. We had to begin to make our peace and so we listed the people we had harmed and became willing to set things right. We followed this up in step nine by making direct amends to those concerned except when it would injure them or other people. Now, I have had plenty of sponsees say, well, if I go make that amend, I'm going to get harmed. And I'm like, really? You're going to avoid paying back somebody you owe money because you're goingto get harmed? How are you going to get harmed? And I use the example that, well, I don't want to go give them my money. And I always look at them and shake my hand and I go, it's not your money. It's their money. You owe it to them. You took it from them. Go pay it back. Except when to injure them or other people. By this time at Step 10, we had begun to get a basis for daily living and we keenly realized that we would need to continue taking personal inventory and that when we were wrong, we ought to promptly admit it. In step 11, we saw that if a higher power had restored us to sanity and enabled us to live with some peace of mind in a sorely troubled world, then such a higher powerful was worth knowing better by direct contact as possible. The persistent use of meditation and prayer we found did open the channel so that where there had been a trickle, There was now a river which led to sure power and safe guidance from God as we were increasingly better to understand Him. You know, stay close to God and do His work well. That's steps 11 and 12. So practicing these steps, we had a spiritual awakening about which finally there was no question. Looking at those who were only beginning and still doubted themselves, the rest of us were able to see the change settling in. From great numbers of experience we could predict that the doubter who still claimed that he hadn't got the spiritual angle who still considered his well-loved AA group his higher power would presently love God and call him by name alright and then this last paragraph here now what about the rest of the twelfth step the wonderful energy it releases and the eager action by which it carries our message to the next suffering alcoholic and which finally translates the 12 steps into action upon all of our affairs is the payoff the magnificent reality of Alcoholics Anonymous and that concludes our little big book study and I'm really glad