Sponsorship and Commitment – 12 Step Workshop – Part 1 of 5 – Debbie D.

Okay, so I thought what we would do is just a little bit of a little review of yesterday. Oh, first, please, if you would, check your cell phones and make sure they're on silent or off, whichever. I know that we covered a lot of territory yesterday, pretty good clip, and that it wasn't, because remember this isn't designed really to handhold you through the steps as much as it is to just, my point was to give you some highlights of some things that I like to make them aware of, talk about, point out, give you som history, make it three dimensional, give it some color and this is hopefully to add what you already do. There may be lots of sentences that I know I didn't cover, that I think are important, that you think are important. So again, this is just to add to what you already do. When I start meeting with people, as I mentioned, I do generally the reading assignments and again,this is just how I do it. Let me even go back a little bit further. We can talk tomorrow more about sponsorship if you want, any questions you might have, and I'll share more experience of what I do with that. When somebody first asks me to sponsor them, while it's always a real honor and a privilege, I also want to make sure we have a conversation about what that looks like for everybody. It's not just, oh yeah, let's get to it, and then I never hear from them again. so generally what I'll do is I'd be delighted to talk with you about that let's get together for coffee preferably there's someone in the local type area where we can do some eyeball work here and I ask them things like how long have they been sober what type of meetings do they do, what's their sponsorship history been if they're someone who's relapsed a lot, talk about that also to you know why me why are you asking me I'm not looking for an ego boost it's just especially if they're not someone in my local group because I always encourage people get a sponsor where you go if it's possible if not why are you what attracted you to me how do you feel I can help you grow in your recovery what are you looking for and a lot of times people have hit sort of a wall or a slow slump and they it's not that their sponsor isn't a good sponsor they just don't know how to get to that next level and the sponsor doesn't know how to help them get to the next level. And not that I have to be their sponsor because I'm more unhappy to share experience strength and hope and give some suggestions that they don't need to change sponsors because it is such a vital relationship to me in one that the history of those two people is really key, but it's more of what kind of a commitment to this relationship do you have. And so the majority of cases, what I do is I, well, everybody I do this to is I ask them, why don't you call me for the next 30 days? And in my schedule, it works better if we have a committed call time. and it isn't necessarily the same time every day just because I already have a call so we fit them in as we can and that's the first beginning of the little disciplines are they ready to do something like this make that call time and this isn't my militancy it's agreed upon this yes they can make that time because I'm there, you're here and we can connect and then we go on about our day let's get to the point you don't need to say hi how are you how is Kent, how's the dogs, how is the cat how's your vacation, how was your house skip it all you don' t need social niceties and graces with me because you've got 15 minutes let's gets to it and it's about you I have reserved that time for you so let's make it treat it like platinum and it's abut us over that period of time getting to know each other, sharing experiences, what's going on for you. Do you have questions? Are you working with sponsees or your meetings or whatever? And once that 30 days, 30 consecutive, I might add, days, if you miss a day, you start over, that is like the initiation. And it seems like you're ready to make this kind of a commitment as I to give you my time because if you're not willing to make some sort of a respectful commitment I don't want to give it to someone who isn't going to appreciate that because I'd rather give itto someone who does because that is the greatest gift we have is our time so we begin that way and then we begin the book work now sometimes if they're really new they'rereally anxious to get started that feel like they're doing something, that's when, based on my feel about the situation, I'll begin those small reading assignments to get them started. So again, no matter what, there's no hard, fast, can-only-do-it-this-way rule. But I want to have some integrity and consistency. Like, for example, on the 30 days. You know, this person has, I'll say you need to do 30 days and then the next one is, oh, that's just so hard for her. She only has to do two weeks. No, the consistency has to be there. Everybody knows the 30 days, okay? But then there are some that just seem once that 30 days is finished then we put together one or two times a week. Some have been with me a long time, like Kelly and John and Laura. They call me once a week on committed call times. Others are new enough where they got a lot of stuff going on on a regular basis, and they might call two or three times. It just depends. Again, no hard, fast rule. There's just some soft guidelines that I use. I prefer the committed call time versus call when you feel like it because that can get kind of loosey-goosey and all of a sudden two and a half, three weeks have gone by and we haven't connected. Also, I have those scheduled. What works best for me is scheduling them and that's in the morning and then once I'm done with my calls it's like then I get to get on with my day, my commitments and responsibilities and appointments and business. But I've set that time aside to be in service. So that's just a little bit of how that goes, and then we begin. When we get to Chapter 3, I said this is when I start personally meeting with them. And when we sit down, we set aside an hour and a half usually to do some book work and reading. And what we do is we read out loud and we share every other, I read a paragraph, they read one, I read one. And as we go along, we'll talk about that. If something stood out or they had a question, or, of course, you know, I get to insert a little history or a little, okay, who's Jim, who're Fred? And kind of, again, try to make it a little interesting than just simply the black words on the white paper and bring it to life. So that is how I go about in those early times and how I begin to take people through the steps. The other thing I wanted to share, I was a little conscious about time last night and I wanted to talk a little bit more about step three. When we take step three, what am I really saying when I say that prayer? So if we take a look at that on page 63 in our book and again thanks for sharing that moment with me. I think it was a really nice connecting moment to say that together and I usually once we've reviewed that with the sponsee, we'll get on our knees hold hands and say the prayer together and it's a really bonding moment it's real hugger so page 63 first of all I'm petitioning to God and I'm saying I offer myself to thee to do what? what am I offering? Well, to build with me and to do with me as you want. Relieve me of the bondage of self. I create so much self-bondage by fear, by arrogance, by anger, resentments. I create a lot of my own bondage. but to relieve me of the bondage of self isn't to now make me more wonderful more fabulous more powerful it's to make me more useful relieve me of the bandage of itself so I may better do your will take away my difficulties and I've had many difficulties big, small, square, circle take them away so that victory over them, then I can tell others, bear witness, I can tells others about how you helped me through your power and your love in this incredibly amazing way of life. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous. My journey of reliance upon you, the love and connection that I feel with you And may I do your will always. Now, I start as I did this morning. I ask God to help me stay sober today, to relieve me of any obsessions I might have because when I have obsessions, I am not useful because I'm focused on that obsession. Again, whether it's a resentment or an anger or something, I'm not useful. And then I say step three and I also say the seventh step prayer which again we'll review is so much the same thing get me out of me to be useful to you so that's why we say we think well before we make this step am I really ready to offer myself up today as far as saying first a prayer or any other prayer what tips do you have Or keeping it from being roped. I say it out loud because if I just think it, I have the ability to veer off partway through. And so if I say It Out Loud, I also choose to make myself ready by... I say that on my knees. Once again, for me, starting out with humbling this ego of mine is the best thing I can do. who's in charge and it's not me. To have the physical posture of kneeling is respectful and humbling and starting off that way for me reminds me of the power greater than myself. I'm also aware and I have to hold that position and it gives me that awareness much more of my physical sobriety and of my spiritual connection that I want to tap into today. and so that's how I keep it fresh because you're absolutely right and again like he says the wording was of course quite optional so long as we express the idea voicing it without reservation so that is another way for me to if I need to adjust alter the words as long as the basic intent is there so we think well and this was that's why I like to say to the sponsor are you ready to meet God are you prepared to tap in begin today's plug-in because to me this wasn't and it hasn't been a one time got her done this is a daily reminder for me this is part of the daily plan of protection so I know there were some before we go into four I know there were some questions and wanted to suggest to kind of bring them to the group because I'm sure other people have some questions and again I just want to remind you I'm just sharing my experience this isn't the end all the final the only way the right way to do it but if I can be of help to what you're doing great so I think Katie you had a question I did thank you Debbie my question is you went through this and it was somewhat of a formal process and you asked them are you ready to make a commitment are you ready to be God so it was more formal what is your process if you have one for step 1 and step 2 so that the sponsee feels that they have formally or that when they think I took step one or I took step two, what was that process that they remember in their head that they did with you if you do I don't think I have any formal sort of questioning or yet it seems that you can almost see the acceptance you can see the willingness you can See the change if it's still yakety yak up here there will still be a lot of debate and resistance you'll sense that again this is why sponsorship being one on one is so powerful and the longer you do it not that I'm any psychic or anything but you begin to sense and you know I can be fooled I mean, every one of us lives with us two inches behind our belly button. We know our truth. We know out honesty. We know whether we've tried to open ourselves up or not. We know if we're giving the lip service and all the theatrics about it and yet we got a great big wall between me and I got a back door open. I can only trust with what they're saying and what I can sense from it. if they're lying to me my recovery will not be affected theirs will it behooves me not at all to lie to me but when we get to three and I ask them are you convinced and go through each of the ABC's since that's what it says being convinced we're at step three I want to make sure they're convinced that they're an alcoholic and that they cannot manage their own life that they are convinced that no human power could have relieved their alcoholism and are you convinced that God could and what if you sought him out well then we're ready to if there's any officiality to it it would be probably right there is yes I'm convinced and very seldom have I come upon I'm not sure okay then let's look into that a little bit more What do you sense is the, okay, well if it's whether or not you fully believe in God, I'm not going to worry about that. We've got a long way to go. But this is where we can today just act as if there's something working in my life. You don't have to give it a name. You don'T have to believe any particular thing. But do you think the people in the group are doing better than you? Something's working for these other alcoholics. Can you start with that? That it's at least working for them, perhaps it will work for you. So that might be kind of just the way for the few that aren't convinced or seem stuck for some reason. Thank you. I'm Richard. Hey, Richard. Where do you take on a sponsor who does not absolutely believe in God? And I know a friend like that and he doesn't consider himself an atheist. He just considers it to be the truth, but he's an alcoholic. And would it be a waste of my time to take on somebody who has that position, whether they're an atheist or they believe that is the absolute truth? What should I do in a situation like that? I haven't had anyone that strong. However, we certainly have read many stories of those who were once atheists or agnostic who either through an inventory would come to see how that idea or belief was formed and could break through that. Are they willing, like I just mentioned, to believe there is something working in the AA group, that that can be a power that has affected other people's lives? Are you willing to just have an open mind? And like our co-founder, Bill, believed the science and medicine was what he could grasp, but this fluffy guy in the heavens, I mean, it just wasn't quite... I don't think so. I would continue through the steps because they're quite powerful. And if it's not a spiritual awakening, it might be just simply an awakening that he has to a different way of life. He's been given new tools as he goes through the Steps. The belief doesn't always seem to come right away. Some might struggle for years. I don't have that experience most of the people that I know really the super teeny tiny percentage of those who have struggled with that the majority have somehow found that way to find a power comfortable for them regardless of what they name that power, if they name it yeah that was my next question is there another thing that you can help them with a power greater than themselves other than the whole concept that God is out the window with this person They never even want to entertain that idea. So is this another avenue of belief? If their mind is slapped shut, one option might be we have a wonderful piece of literature called Came to Believe. And, of course, if there's resistance to everything, I'm not sure how I can be of help because there will be resistance here and there and here and here. clearly alcohol was a power greater than themselves, clearly otherwise they wouldn't need to be in AA and find a solution so just the sparking of an open mind don't have to believe like you and I believe perhaps do you think something's happening in this room of people do you thing they all you know life is different than it was before for me it's my thoughts and my actions over to the care the guidance in that original form made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care and direction of God as we understood Him. So again, they softened it because they took out the and direction. But that is what I'm asking for some guidance. It takes a long time, I believe, to tap in and feel like... The longer I'm here, the more I can feel the nudges. It's sort of like a little bumper car thing. I don't need to get slammed as much now from side to side turn, turn I can get the little pats now and just because I've practiced keeping the open communication going on and the longer I practice this as a way of life and live on a spiritual path I assure you doesn't mean I will ever reach human perfection not at all as long as the word humans in there Perfection will not be attainable. Trying better, doing better, acting better, that I can do. But it's not going to mean that I'm going to ever reach that perfection where I totally know every moment God's will. We have the basic, I have the basically knowledge of right and wrong. And how I follow that, the more I live on that right path, knowing it, I never have to worry about what I'm doing. But when I know the difference between right and wrong and I choose to do the wrong, lots of other things start to creep in. Paranoia, resentment, intolerance, judgment of others, all because my actions are of a conscious decision to do this. And it just will have a conflict with the spiritual path I'm trying to live on. So it takes a while, and it takes just like anything we do that we want to get better at. A now and then toss of prayer up won't get me the same results as daily contact, daily contact. Again, no matter what I'm trying to do, run a marathon, create something, build something, the consistency is going to make the difference, not the now and than. So, any other questions before we go on to four? Everybody feels pretty good about that? Okay. So, what I do is, although it says next we launched, vigorous course. I mean, bam. There are some schools of thought that really enjoy may I do thy will always. Okay. Here's pen and paper. Start that inventory. That's fine. That's fine. Personally, I want to let that sink into you. I want you to realize what you have just done and begin your connection, begin the practice of saying that third step prayer each day and begin the recovery. So we have made our appointment for the next time and we get together and begin to review the fourth step. Now during this part from this point on, we're going to really talk about some of the actions, the mechanics that we take. Again, not meaning to make it sound sterile, but now we'll get into some of the physical activity of writing that we'll do. So we begin, if you turn your hand out just after how it works, the original. Sorry I didn't number the pages. So a couple of notes that I have on here. There are three areas to review in an inventory. Everybody there? It starts with step four at the top. Resentments, our fears, and our sex conduct. And then what I've added again based on my own experience is harms done that didn't have anything to do with those three. because I stole from employers that never did an unkind thing to me at all. I hurt people that I had no resentments about. I was just mean. And so I had this fourth category, didn't know where to put them in, so I just kind of added one. And the paragraph I use is on page 69. That second paragraph I used as sort of the guide of my questions to myself for that last section. But first we begin with resentments. And if we turn to page 64 in our book, it talks about taking an inventory, that a business that doesn't take an inventory will go broke. And what an inventory is about, I know several of you are business owners and you take stock of what you have and if you have an old product that hasn't moved even though you might have liked it and it's not moving, you're taking up space for something that does. And a lot of us clean that out and it is amazing that lift we feel, now we can have room, there is more freedom of movement here instead of we are all chalked up with stuff because I really like it. We take this inventory of ourselves. The first one we address is resentments. And I don't know if it was planned or if it's just human nature to start there, simply because I always look at like our inventory is a full glass of water and I find that resentments are about the top two-thirds to three-fourths of that water, it seems. We come in with so many resentments and hate people and dislike, and they did to me's. And I look at it that once I empty the cup that much, once again, I have the ability then to look at some of the other things below it. But we're usually so full of them. Now what is a resentment? In the handout, the definition is to rescind hurt feelings over and over again. A persistent feeling of ill will and suppressed anger caused by a sense of an injustice, insult, injury, offense or wrongdoing. To resent basically means to feel again strongly or to relive the hurt again. So this is the first thing they get rid of, is our resentments. now on the bottom of 64 that paragraph it says resentment is the number one not the number two the number 1 offender it destroys more alcoholics than anything else and I think people in general but we're dealing with alcoholics here from it stem all forms of spiritual disease for we have not only been mentally and physically ill we've been spiritually sick When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. So now we begin to get our instructions. It says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. I always encourage people, do not use your computer. Write it out. There's something magical that happens between head to neck to shoulder to arm to hand to pen to paper. When I write it out, I take ownership. I take responsibility and I begin to claim it so, and I don't as I'm keyboarding something not as much as when I'm handwriting. You're the only one who's going to read it, so whatever notes you want to make or however you write you're the one that's going to be the one using it to read your inventory back. So the first instruction is it says we list people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. So that's really, we see our diagram on the right hand which is our three of four columns as we know but it says we list the people institutions and places. Okay so what I always suggest then is let's just start making the list so you've got your piece, I'm just going to write small on this particular one here. So you've Got Your List of Names and usually on a first inventory you've got mom, you've got dad, you're got brother sister you might have some family member, you got your employer, maybe your neighbor, the IRS school you got a whole bunch of just believe me most people they can just so just dump them who do you hate, who do you not like and when I first was shown the inventory well I don't have any resentments because I didn't understand what it was I hate a lot of people but I don' t have any resentment so I could hate and somebody said that's a very strong word I said well it's a strong feeling so that was where I was coming from this just kind of makes sure that I as best as possible give it everybody out and just kind of start there but then it goes on to say then we ask ourselves why we're angry so while we have the vertical columns to me it was always a little harder to write it that way you can write it any way you want to what I have found helpful to me was a little bit different format not to mean to be disrespectful to our book. But what I did was, so I took then the first name at the top of the page. So I used this and put it here. So this was like column one. Then column two was the first resentment, the why am I angry? And then I would list that out. Then I would have another resentment against that person, the number two. So why am i angry and list that my and actually let me say this I then leave about two or three lines in between so I've got let's just use an example that I had. So one of them was stepmother, okay? So she was on the list. Why am I angry? She slapped me in public. Okay, so that was the why. Slapped me in pubic. And of course I had many more resentments against her which would be filled in. And so we go on and on, leaving about two or three lines after you have written your why. Everybody with me so far on that? Okay. So now we have the why I'm resentful. And I think that's good because that's usually the next thing we have really close to the best. We've really, or just right at the surface level. I can tell you what they did and they did and they did it says why am I angry in most cases it was found that my self esteem my pocketbook my ambition my personal relationships including sex were hurt or threatened so I was sore I was burned up here's the next column on my grudge list I said opposite each name my injury was it my self Esteem my security my ambitions my personal or sex relations which had been interfered with okay when you do the why did it you know what was it affecting me why did that hurt try to go a little bit lower than self-esteem well how was your self-esteem affected in this particular case so now we got the we gotthe name we gotthewhy we got how it affected me well i was humiliated in public i mean my self-esteem was affected um that's that is a funny way to spell esteem let's see self-esteem and i was humiliation in front of my friends so i would write that all out and then again the how would be how was i how did that make me angry, or how did that affect me? Okay, so everybody's got this so far. So name what they did, or the why am I angry, how it affected me. So red is column three. That would be column three, yes. So now let's we're not going to go through the example. So now lets turn to the next page here, on page 66. if we go down to the first paragraph there's a second line to conclude that others were wrong was as far as I ever got always could find how you hurt me but that wasn't going to make any changes in my life the next paragraph is really, really powerful it says it's plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility which is uselessness and unhappiness to the precise extent that I permit these do I squander the hours that might have been worthwhile but with the alcoholic with me whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience this business of resentment is infinitely grave I found that it is fatal it will kill you resentments will kill you physically, spiritually and emotionally because it says for when harboring such feelings I shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit the insanity of alcohol returns and I drink again and with us, with me to drink is to die and again not always physically at first mentally, emotionally and spiritually we die in the next paragraph if I were to live I had to be free of anger now we say the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us I put in here the definition used in 1935 in your handbook which is brainstorm at the time meant fit of rage today we use it as a creative tool back in the day it was a fit of range this storm in the brain I can totally get that here's a little trivia for you in the next paragraph I love how it says we turned back to the list for it held the key to the future we were prepared to look now some books will say for some books will say at now that's kind of weird why would they change that I have no idea but in your handout my research found that They used, which is what my book says, we were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle, which I agree doesn't really make a lot of sense. But it was in all of the first and second edition printings and the third edition printINGS from 1 to 20. Then somebody must have caught it. And from the third addition, the 21st printing through today, the word is we were prepare to look at it from an entire different angle. so by seeing these resentments my focus is beginning just very incrementally to focus in a new, very, very soft gentle way moving on and on a few lines down it says in that state the wrongdoing of others fancied or real it's always real darling it's never fanciED in my world that hurts, had the power to actually kill. I saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? So here is their first suggestion long before the wonderful paragraph on acceptance was written by Dr. Paul, long before the beautiful freedom from bondage and peace of the kingdom was written. This was their guide to removing resentments or mastering them as they refer said. this is my course I realize that the people who wronged me were perhaps spiritually sick though I did not like their symptoms because see I didn't know it was a symptom I either liked you or I didnít like you you hurt my feelings, you were off the list you were out of the phone book that means youíre dead you donít exist anymore though I did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed me they, like myself, was sick too oh God, I got put in that category I asked God to help me show them the same tolerance, pity and patience now that's a big ask that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend when a person offended, I said to myself this is a sick man how can I be helpful to him God save me from being angry thy will be done I avoid retaliation or argument I wouldn't treat sick people that way if I do I destroy my chance of being helpful I can't be helpful to all people but at least and this is what I rely on from God God will show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. I can learn how to be publicly polite to those I wouldn't have lunch with. I do that for the good of the group. I do it for the sake of the church. I do this for the benefit of my own spiritual connection. I can't think God loves me better than this person. All I need to do is take a kindly and tolerant view. I don't have to go on vacation with them. So, with this, I'm now getting an opportunity to see them a little differently. And here's part of the change. The major part ofthe change that we rarely ever did is the next paragraph. So now I'm going to refer to my list again. I've written out... Every one of these people has their own piece of paper. Some might have more than one piece of paperwork. Some might have a half a piece of paper, and you can put two on one. Again, no official do's and don'ts. But I've identified and gotten the poison out on each name. How they wronged me in this, I like to say, you better go ahead and let it rip. Take their inventory, because I know what's coming up in the fourth column. Get all that poison out. Let her rip. Because if you, well, it wasn't that bad, and I shoot them, you will grind and grow on that. get that stuff out don't edit well if you're thinking it get it out how did it affect you and you can often see some of your own things beginning to form here either your lack of self esteem your lack or security your lack whatever it might be how you feel about yourself but this is where we begin to take this new look which says I put out of my mind the wrongs others had done and I resolutely look at my own mistakes. Where have I been selfish and dishonest and self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely my fault, I tried to disregard the other person entirely. where am I to blame the inventory was mine not the other man's when I saw my faults I listed them I placed them before me in black and white I admit my wrongs honestly and was willing to set these matters straight so let's finish my story so I'm just going to put my and I'm not going to use the word my part and the reason is because some years ago I was on this panel with some friends and the man Ralph White does a fabulous fabulous job talking about steps four and five and he and I and a guy named Bob Darrell we were all on a panel together and he said, my friend Bob doesn't really like it when I use the word my part. And many of us use that, well, what's your part in it? And that's a very common thing. Just like we often say, I'm going to the meeting tonight when it's really you're going to your group tonight. So again, I am not trying to split hairs on what the right word is. So I asked Bob, I said, why is it that you have kind of an objection to using that word? he said well first of all that paragraph doesn't use the word what was my part ok, alright so we'll take the verbiage out of there he says the other reason is a guy I sponsor went to make amends and came back and told me and I said well how'd that go he said not very good really what happened he said I made amends for my part and then there's this pause there is no pause there is no their part they need to make amends for so he had a part that's so yours back to me there isn't one so this is where I try to ask myself where am I to blame where was I involved where were my faults, my wrongs my wrong in this situation is that I called her a bitch in front of everybody. Now, see, I forgot that part. I forgot it. I forgot about that part! Now, you know, it's conveniently forgot, right? Now, she probably acted quite naturally and normally. She was... I humiliated her in public, in front people, trying to show off in front my friends or whatever, but all I could remember is she slapped me. this became the freedom this took the punch out of the why I'm angry because I was involved I was involved okay questions on this section of the inventory, the resentments the power comes in the fourth column or the fourth section or however you'd like to call it Tim when you have a sponsee that can't really think of what their mistakes were or their wrongs and they leave it blank do you tell them what their mistakes are or do you help them to come up with it themselves a little bit of both and that's a good question sometimes you can't, you're too involved you can not see how could I have been at fault. A real common one is a child being molested. Very, very common. How could I possibly have any part to it? And I completely understand that. I personally have never had that experience. I have had sponsees who have. And what I do is share with them two things. Number one, what I have heard others in their position say they had to do, which is that they had to learn to stop living in that resentment themselves not that it meant the action was okay never is that an okay action but what that resentment is doing is it's blocking them off from other healthy relationships in their world but number two I suggest they talk to someone who's had that experience because I cannot tell them I know how that feels and this is what I did it breaks my heart when I hear that yet I'm happy this is why I listen very closely to people's stories when I have somebody with that experience which I do not have I'm going to send them to her or to him this is where I listen closely to what people's story are because I can't possibly have every known experience to a man or woman not going to but there will be someone in these rooms who has so that's the biggest one that often can come up where I don't know how they certainly didn't have a part in that sense or hey baby at five years old not at all but how do they live and start living past the resentment sometimes as they've identified it's become so much a part of them what will happen to me this will become an unknown person to me because I've lived with this anger for so long again, talk to the people who have walked through that long term experience if they can't find it I tell them don't worry about that because I'll help you we'll take a look at again so many times we'll see some repeat patterns they're manipulative, they're always the victim they're passive aggressive they're a liar and they expect to be believed the one time they tell the truth they're thieves they steal in all kinds of ways so I don't worry if they can't we'll find that they'll hear it on their own I'll say well it sounds like this is your involvement to me or I can ask them questions well did you do this, did you say this did you behave this way and they can begin to find it so any questions on the resentment section do you have them write out where I've been selfish or dishonest do you ever write little things on it too like you did in the third column they can they can get more specific if they want absolutely No, I think if you can identify it, certainly I was dishonest because I told the lie. I really did take the gold coins and I've been lying all these years and they never knew. So if you could go beyond, I was desonest, that's how I was my involvement. Well, what was the lie? Absolutely, what Was the Lie? Daniel, did you have yours? And, you know, sometimes I've heard people talk about what my part was and they talk about the seven deadly sins. And I've read some people kind of limit it. Okay, it has to be one of these. I struggle with that particular portion of it. What's your thought on that? It can be helpful if you get stuck. The 12 in 12 does identify the seven deadliest sins. I don't think it's your limitation or anything like that can just help people get moving. Because you can get stuck sometimes with just what's in here and that can expand on it a little bit. Because sometimes I find it's kind of hard to put something in a particular category. Yes, yes, yes. don't get too bogged down with form and grammar and it's got to be within the box these are just some guidelines the point being is get the poison of resentment out however it may be I just want to make a point to that comment it's in step 4 in 12 and 12 it does refer to the seven deadly sins and ways we can look at what our wrong was. Sometimes if you get stuck, I know there are just a plethora of fourth step guides out there. I don't use them. I use the 12 in 12 which has a tremendous amount of questions, good prompter questions. Again, if you gets stuck, go to the 12 and 12. These quite, oh yeah, I never thought about that or, yeah, I guess I did some of that or that happened to me. So that might also free up that channel. Another couple points about writing the inventory is I let people know you do not have to do it at midnight under the cloak of dark by candlelight at midnight, okay? When you're tired and you're weakened and you are going to prepare for the doom and gloom. You don't need to do that. that this isn't about grammar, this isn'T about being published, this is about an inventory just looking at ourselves. It's not about volume, huge volume, lack thereof, and we'll talk about that in the fifth step. It's about get the poison out. And so with the resentment section, any other questions or comments on that? one of my comments is that when we're reviewing the fourth step we have a date for the fifth step and the guideline is the only reason you can break this date is a funeral and that it's yours it lends a little humor to the seriousness of the inventory this is the biggest area the inventory is where we lose people's momentum that's why we make a date for the 5th I've never been in the nature call me when you're ready that call might never come because I can't get started if you're stuck write my name is Debbie Davis and I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober since and I am writing my inventory just get something on paper to start when we're thinking of our resentments i don't really think we have a very far to go in our memory they're usually really right there gnawing on us i think that's that's true that you shouldn't start writing something because sometimes i get up in the morning i don'T WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE but i get myself up to do something yeah and then after a while i'm actually cleaning i got the vacuum out. I'm wiping down the counters and I'm no longer thinking that I didn't want to do this. I was thinking about how fast I could do it and get it over with. Yeah, there you go. There you go Barbara, did you have your answer? I was just going to say what happened I don't know if this will help someone I broke it up I found that I got people into it better and it didn't take me through the whole weekend to hear a fifth but what happened is I do have them go back and just concentrate on the resentments and they follow the book explicitly and after we go through that then I wanted to go back and spend a lot of time on fear because a lot people just kind of oh yeah, I'm afraid to fly but they don't really understand and make comments on what that fear can do for you and then I work it back in and then they do the fourth column and then they have to do, when they come back they have a fourth column and they have all the little secrets that they didn't tell me about and that's how and then they get into the sexual inventory. But I have them do it in sections. And one other little comment I was going to tell you about. Most of the people that I sponsor and characters and stuff who have been molested in many ways most alcoholics got it bigger than it was. so they can use that for sympathy and maybe an excuse to keep drinking but most of them will embellish upon it oh I was molested and so I found out just making sure this is life, it's not shitting it's like anything else it's a part of life so don't make it so big that this will be a stumbling block continue, you know, accepting in God's way. It's interesting you bring that up about again the molesting. I, again like I've shared, I've had gals tell me that. And what I'll do is say are you, by this time we've developed a trusting relationship but we'll talk about it in the fifth step. We'll talk more about that in the sixth step. Okay. Have you ever had anybody that was they had a difficult time reading and writing or they that you might have had to actually help them write their course back? Not to date. I haven't. Not to dat. And it doesn't even have to be complete sentences. It can be just a little chicken scratch and notes for themselves. Because as you see in our example, it wasn't like, again, grammatically involved or anything like that. So no, I haven' t. I've heard people with that experience. I don't have that kind of information as Bill wrote in his story it wasn't so much the actual well, taking as much of the acceptance and the commitment to the understanding that created his experience, the words being the revolutionary drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. And whether they did more talking than anything during those days when he was in the hospital. I'm not aware of Ebby writing it. There's been many historians that have done inventories or biographies on Bill and things like that. There's some stories that are true and some that are catchy that are not true, so I really can't verify that. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like in Chapter 5. We often hear if Bill was asked if he ever changed one word, what would it be? And he says they're ever changed rarely to never. That's a myth. That is not true. GSO responds to that, that Bill said he thought very long and hard and chose not to use the word never because that would imply 100% and he knew that would be challenged. So he carefully chose that word. This was not a mistake. This was not a regret. So just as a side note, any time you have questions about something in our big book, AA literature, anything like that, feel free to write to your general service office. They're very good or call them up. They're our general service officer. They are there to serve us. Feel free to give them a call. Ask them about questions like that. Did Bill say that? And they will reply. So feel free. They work for us, okay? Debbie, I'm not going to talk to you now, but what he was saying about people who can't write, that can be a problem to some people because they're embarrassed that they can't read and write. And a lot of them don't do the poor. So maybe in your research you can find ways, especially with people from a different language. when I grew up in France and she had to translate everything but I think that is a problem of people who can't come into AA and they can't read and write and they won't do that for us so maybe that's good I was just going to say what about recording that's what I was going to ask we certainly have it on tape we have the big book in the 12 and 12 however it would work there's there's again I haven't had in the many inventories that I have and we people I've worked with I haven t had that case where that was the issue so I don't have any experience on that okay So I do know that in a lot of recovery homes, especially in the L.A. area and the greater city areas, there's a lot people in these recovery homes that do not know how to read, write, do math. And I can see how writing this list would be a huge stumbling block, not because they don't want to do it or they're stuck. It's because they Don't Know How to Read and Write. I think an assessment prior to that would be in order to get them to write something, without telling them, to see if they can write. Well, I think if you've gotten to this part with them, you'll know a lot about them. You'll begin to know. If you're reading the book together, you'll be able to discern quite quickly what they can read. And then you'll find those ways to make that work. I know that there was one gal that she would kind of say or imply that she couldn't read very well, but it was amazing that she could always read the eviction notices. She could always red some legal papers very well. I mean, I was right amazed. okay so now this is such a huge chunk of our inventory it's almost like now we're free to really be able to put some concentration elsewhere we've got about two thirds of that glass emptied out now we are going to move into our fears and it says on the top of 68 we reviewed our fears thoroughly I put them on paper so it implies I list them I put they on paper even though I had no resentment in connection with them that's the difference we might have had a lot of fear with those resentments but these fears the way I look at them is what is holding me back from living the full life I want to live. Does that sentence refer to the fears list? Yes, yes. So that's how I determine them to be different from those involved with the resentments. What is holding me back from living a full life? And so we begin to list those fears because so many times we might feel that we have control over our fears but they have control over us what are those fears so again we have that piece of paper and we list those fears that are affecting me and my life to live a full life. I'm withholding because of this fear A very common one I hear, now there is no judgment on these fears Now for example I'm not that crazy about like snakes and bugs but I don't like hang out and try to overcome my fear. I just don't really care about them. But they don't go on my list because they don' t prevent me from living a full life But something I often hear about is things like, I'm afraid I'm going to be homeless. I'm worried children are dying before my time. I'm scared of my mother dying. So we list those fears because they're very real to that person. And on and on. Whatever they get anxious about and then in that fifth step we talk about each one of them ok so fear false evidence appearing real or that future looking real this is what I have to remember if I'm in fear I am not in today, I'm on tomorrow if I am in guilt, I am on the past and only God is in the present and if I'm in either one of the forward or aft motions I am there by myself so where am I right now do you have a home right now are you paying your rent or mortgage you might be struggling with that have you taken then the next action of conferring with the bank or whatever that action might be have you cut down on your expenses have you re-budgeted or are you still spending wildly like you did when you had a job I mean, these are some basic questions. Again, I'm not going to solve the potential homeless problem. I'm nicht going to take it on. But I can begin to ask you some questions for you to answer for yourself. I can't budget for you, but if you don't somehow get help in budgeting, you might be homeless. That very well might come a reality for you if you do not change some of your actions. The death of a child. Very painful. I don't have any children, I know many of you do it would be very painful to lose that child mother, father, loved one dying so the question really becomes what are you doing right now with that relationship or are you just in fear of when it will happen I wish I would have said I wish i would have done I have unfinished business I didn't make those amends. These are very possible things that could happen in the natural course of life. The parents will go before, but it doesn't need to be as super devastating if you have a current relationship. Yes, it'll be sad. Yes, there'll be a loss, but you won't fall apart if you don't have a solid, pleasant, current, loving relationship and enjoy them while they're here instead of wishing after they're gone. So this is why we kind of bring these fears to light. As I always look at them, it's like we open them up to God's healing power. Otherwise, I've got them stuck under a rock and icky things grow under rocks. So I want to open it up to God sunlight of the spirit for healing to lessen the fears. maybe it's a fear that I can't overcome fear of heights are you willing to inquire about getting over that fear of swimming are you unwilling to take swimming lessons begin first in the pool then the next step if you're not, that's fine just know that's an area you need to be ok with and that it's off limits but if it's holding you back from an area you'd really like to get to over there then you have to with God's help open up that channel of willingness to walk through the fears one ittle bitty baby step half a baby step at a time but if you begin, you've begun so we get those fears out and we can talk about them and just expose them to God's healing power. Any other questions on fears? Should you ask somebody that they talk about something that is a touchy subject should you push for them to do it or wait for them to do the same thing Can you give me an example? Like if they're afraid of heights using that Yeah, well see when I was a kid I almost drowned. My younger sister jumped in and saved me. And I went on to learn how to swim, but then I was out in Oklahoma and my friend asked too much of me, but I agreed to do it anyways to swim across this lake. And I got halfway across and I started to drown. He had to drive me back. And I realized I was asking too much of my own body to do this. And I was pushing myself. And their analogy is, should we push our sponsor really to finish the list within a certain amount of time or should we just wait for them to face certain issues, discuss it with them if they want to or what? Just because they list it doesn't mean they write this minute and then when they leave the house have to start taking action. It just opens up that door. we evolve we might not even have the awareness of the fear when we write the inventory at that time more will be revealed as I become more aware of who I am and what I am in my world so we'll become more awareness it's just the beginning we just put that on paper and open it up to what could possibly happen with it I guess my concern would be basically letting them ground and their own fears, you know, and pushing them back. That's the reason why I bought it. Yeah. Leslie? Jumping on that, are you willing to reschedule your date that you make? Like when you get on the court with a sponsor and you set your date, do you, and you see that they're maybe working and then you kind of like, oh, okay, well let's do it a week from now or something instead of sticking with that date. Oh, I stick with the date. You do stick with it. Yeah, I mean, when I'm sitting down and reviewing the four-step with them, I'm doing exactly what I'm giving them examples and saying any questions. Then we go on to the next one, any questions? And we might be touching base and how's your inventory coming. But the date is still set. Otherwise, the first time you push it, the second time gets easier. so I want to keep the integrity and the momentum we've got going Cliff Hodges said you know how long it takes to write an inventory two weeks and 45 minutes you got it it took 45 minutes what is the consequence if they break the date well we'll get to that when we'll talk about that on the fifth step can anybody give them a couple months Well, I put in the notes here that it depends on the inventory. Now, a brand-new, first-time-ever inventory, three weeks. If it's someone who's already done an inventory and they just kind of want to do a cleanup, it might be a week and a half to two weeks. And the amount of time, first time inventory, I set aside about four hours. if it's a clean up, a couple of hours two hours usually so again it depends upon the state of recovery they're in if they've done one before that I determine that on a brand new inventory two weeks seems too soon and a month seems too long but three weeks has a nice momentum about it any other questions on the fears list?