Spiritual Maintenance – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 16 of 25 – Reggie W.

little bit about reggie you know i'm gonna seven like what am i gonna say about regie i know a lot of people have heard that his brothers right ralph and ronnie well but for me i got sober with all of them and even though i know that they are come from the same family similar stories in recovery together i have seen each of them in their journey of recovery and each one individually in their own uniqueness have contributed to my sobriety. Not as a group, not as a Group of Brothers, but as alcoholics. I just wanted to say that. And to me, when I have seen Reggie, I've seen him as Reggie. And I have learned so much from his journey. He is a great part of my recovery. I've watched his enthusiasm. I've watched him leave us and i've watched them come back. I've learned from both he is so instrumental and now I have seen him just be on fire. He's our town crier whatever you want to call it. he jumped in and he was like, it gave him this purpose of contributing his own way to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm just so excited for him. I'm, I'm in awe of watching God's grace and that I could be a witness to what God is doing in his life. And the fact that I get to benefit from that is like the bonus. So I'm I know he's nervous that I'm nervous for him too. Just because he's nervous but i know he's gonna knock it out of the park man because i love his relationship with god today and i'm so excited for all of you guys to hear it so everybody please welcome no pressure reggie come on up theresa my name is reggie white and i've an alcoholic god i love teresa that's my girl love her to death and i love ali too you know thank you ali for asking me to come out i've been cursing you so many weeks now for asking but now that it's here i want to thank you and that's due to your sponsor too you know it's funny how things how these ripple effects happen in alcoholics anonymous how god works and it's a trip to me to sit back and what i'm supposed to do and watch how god works because i was so nervous at the thought of coming here because so many people who have been so influential in my sobriety have spoken at this meeting and and i'm thinking what in the world can i possibly contribute and then butch i'm watching butch a couple of weeks ago he spoke at a meeting in canada i love canada and butch said you know i go to these meetings they ask me to speak and i'm gonna go and i've gotta speak but then i worry about whether or not i'm gonna sound good and worry about how i'm going to look at these meetings and then i remember that it's not about me it's about god it's about god's will it's about god and through me and me reaching out to somebody in that meeting god reaching out to somebody through me in that meeting and i thought to myself but you're right you know because it's not about me sounding bad it's not about he looked at but it's about god reaching out through me and maybe jules maybe you can hear something here today he said and ollie you weren't here but our friend jules who was working on well he's not even quite working on a day but jules hopefully you'll hear something hear today that can help you make it do it maybe get a day maybe just get a day and i think about spiritual maintenance right because that's what when i see this step and somehow what popped to my mind is when i was in college um i had a yellow my very first car that i ever bought for myself well the very first card i ever had period that i bought and it was a monster and it wasn't uh uh um one of those mazda with the rotary engine where you had to make sure it had oil in it right that maintenance and see and i let my cousin take the car up to our college that we went through the redlands and bring it back and i didn't say anything to him you know i didn t care but when he took it up there he didn't do the maintenance he didn't add oil he didn t check the oil when he went he didn checked oil before he came back. He ran out of oil and when a Mazda overheats the engine blows and on his way back the engine blew and he was there by the side of the road calling me telling me man your car is gone you know you need an engine which basically meant that car was over with kind of like what happened to me you know without that spiritual mate you know and let me get to how that spiritual maintenance was because see i'm not the guy who's coming with educational variety guys what i come with is this it's my personal experience and in my personal experience i got to use a very high bottom drum you know i came here following two of my brothers basically because i wasn't ready to come in here i was ready what i was trying to do was find a way a place to stop and regroup for a couple of minutes right to get it back together because i've always been a high achiever i've always been the guy that can work my way out of things i can always get another job i can always get another place i can always get another girl i can always get another everything but at this point i ran into trouble right and i run into my brother ronald and he had told me he had planted that seed about alcoholics anonymous he had caught me in a actually he caught me in a period when i was doing okay but he was doing better he and ralph had disappeared and then and ronald told me yeah we went to this place called the salvation army harbor light center that was in february well that was in december of 1986 when ronold told me that by that time he had maybe six months five or six months about six months ralp maybe had a couple of months and they disappeared i didn't know where they were and they told me about that and i looked at him and i thought about the fact i looked at him and i thought about i mean he was clean too clean smell good look good and he hadn't been clean and smell good and look good in a long time you know a long time and i looked in him when he told me he said and if you ever he told me that's where he was and he said if you never want if you ever want to stop doing what you're doing if you ever want quit i can get you in there too and i looked at him and i thought you scandalous you need that place i don't need you know when i asked to borrow money he said no i cursed it to myself and kept it pushing the was planning and so when i went with that car i had this woman's car in february of 1987 and i couldn't i was scared to take this car back right now i'm a high bottom drunk i've just run into a little bit of a hard time like temporary temporary uh situation but i called ralph because i couldn't reach ronald so i called Ralph and i said can you take this car back to me because you know i'm a coward right i didn't have a girl's money didn't happen you know and i didn' want to go back with just the car and um Ralph said sure i'll take it back and that was on the fire and he said but you got to go into this carbon light place i'm like well okay because you know he gonna take the car i'll tell him yes to anything i said i'll go in there on monday because i have stuff business i have to take care of stuff my affairs i have to get an order he said no the only way i'll take this car back is if you go in here right now and that was the best move of my life up to that point i walked into the salvation army harvard light center on february 7 1987. um Not more dead than alive, but I was tired man. I hadn't slept. I had people after me. I had things going on. I had hit a rough patch and, but when I got in there, I was able to listen just a little bit. And they took me to this place called Alcoholics Anonymous. And when they took to AA, I didn't take onto it immediately, not in that rehab, but then went to a place called 9604 south figueroa after i had about 30 45 days in that place and i went to 960 4. i took a buddy with me and that's where i experienced real alcoholics anonymous and i fell in love with you guys i fell in love because when i sat in there see people haven't been nice to me for a long time i hadn't talked up to women without having money out in a long time you know it everything was transactional everything was what can you do for me or what can i do for you and when i walked in there and i sat down and i looked over to my left and i saw that coffee pot and that coffee pat looked so good and they had some cookies over there and we were sitting on the back row me and the two guys i brought with me and we were nervous and we looked over there and didn't have any money we didn't have any and i wanted that coffee so bad and i wanted a cookie so bad and the woman one of the old timers looked at me and she read my mind and she said don't worry baby go over there and get you some coffee go over there and give you some cookies it don't cost you anything it's free you can have that get up and go get you something and i got up and got that got that and i fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous because of the kindness that kindness that we reach out to extend each other i fell in love immediately and that was the first place i saw god now college anonymous and i didn't even know i didn t even know it and from that point from february we started the sunday never too early book workshop in in december i mean in november of 1987. and my other little brother came in the program in uh december of 1987 so now we got four boys in the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous and we were working these steps and i'm in the meantime i've been going on panels to prisons and i've taken my panel down the skid row and i m sponsoring someone very poorly that i'm being sponsored very well and i' m doing everything that you guys asked me to do in this fellowship and i am immersed in alcoholics anonymous and i love every second of it every second especially working the steps i remember when we were working these steps and the very first time we got because we would hold each other accountable it was like 12 of us in my mother's um dining room and we're around the table and stuff and we're we're going through the steps like they like joe and charlie showed us right and actually doing this thing and we did that four step where i actually felt like i was a part of i actually felt like I was a partner this fellowship when I finished the fourth step and did a fifth step i remember ronnie did the fifth step before and i'm talking about my brothers a lot because they're a big part of us you know if they don't even know about the stuff that i'm saying most of this time because i'm just watching them and i always remember i keep that in my mind that people are watching me all the time and sometimes you're the only i'm the only people that somebody sees and i have that responsibility and i remember when ronald he did the 5th step first we all would report back on what we did and i remember he finished first because we all looked at him and all of a sudden we were calling him mr serene or saint serene because he looked real peaceful and serene all but after this and i was thinking i want that feeling and i remembered when i did my fifth step i didn't feel that way and i felt like i was cheated a little bit but i did still feel like i'm part of this fellowship because i had done some of this work and then we got to and let's see here's the dirty little secret yes i was a high bottom drunk yes i had some bit of desperation but by that time life got real good to me see success came to me earlier than almost anybody i knew an alcoholic's anonymous because i hadn't gone that far down and i had a lot left you know contacts all this stuff i immediately got an excellent job and then by the time we got to this fifth step when i had a year of sobriety i had a great job you know now the guy is hiring me to go go that fly to atlanta back and forth atlantic bringing a company back and i'm making six figures and i'M running uh six departments and i have 250 employees and so now i'm not doing as much as i was and i remember we got to the like but that wasn't even that's not even an excuse i do remember they said do six and seven right but they say go away and do it by yourself you know i didn't do anything because that desperation was off me a little bit and see i did the work part i did it the tough part i didn t do six and now i did a real good list on eight right did a really good list step nine i probably did a couple of amends but i don't even remember them which means if they weren't that memorable because life was taking off right and and now i'm doing that so-called living amends you know without actually coming up and doing one right so i'm going that 1 2 3 4 5 program and now i'm looking at 10 and 11. and man i'm thinking about what am i now 10 i would admit stuff right like right i knew to kind of like not not mess up and not take responsibility i could do that part of it but man i wasn't burning any incense and doing that meditation stuff you know i wasn t doing all that see that's what i thought of meditation seriously back then see because life is show life has showed up and i was doing much better and i was well i wasn't putting down alcohol i was very much this was all looking back in the rear view mirror i didn't realize i was doing this at the time but here i am they're talking about doing this 11 step and you know i'm thinking this meditation stuff man i'm not sitting cross-legged and doing you know and now burning incense and listening to some crazy music or or um and yeah you know all that stuff that's what i saw is meditation and quite frankly see here's another dirty little secret i was still embarrassed by prayer i was steel embarrassed by print see i wasn't i would pray some there were i would occasionally get on my knees and pray but i would normally do i'd say oh i just talked to god just talk to them you know and again i talked to god when i needed to when i wanted to when things were bad when things weren't good i just rolled away right but i talked about when things got bad you know it all that uh carrying the message i'd run i listened to you i'd rub my mouth and actually i cared about people so i did do step 12 but i didn't do i didn' do the maintenance steps and when my car got caught on the road without oil in it my little girl got sick because see i got the family and everything else too right i got all the stuff i wanted great job great family great everything life was really good for need man life was really good for me but when my little girl got sick when she had those four months where she was so all that pain and all that agony and now i'm praying right now i'll pray let's see there's no medication but now see i never did that first time around but now i'm praying right i'm playing the god i'm rubbing the gene you know in other words i'm i'm and asking him to do stuff for me you know even though i thought it was selfless see and that's where when i don't pray and meditate on a regular basis i get out out of whack and i don't even really i'm not praying and meditating and keeping that channel open i'm not doing the meds i'm putting the oil in the car i'm not putting the oil in the car so now when my little girl got sick like that i'm praying hard as i could and then she got went up we moved her to the other hospital and we're praying hard i say okay let me bring in the big guns and we bring in the church people we bring in moms and all the church because we were raised immature right and and when those times got hard my mom would put us in prayer circles i hated prayer man i hated that putting us in these prayer circles i was embarrassed they're praying for me oh please let reggie but all i could do i couldn't wait to get out of that circle so i could go have a drink go have one you know it i couldn' wait but when the times got tough be quick to see where religious people are right you know and i call them in and they bring in all the dirt all of the eight coming in my little girl was in that hospital um for three and a half weeks she was intubated and she was unconscious and people came in and shifts and read a book to my little i think it was a hobbit if i'm not mistaken and we had they had it bookmarked and people would come in and pick up where the next person left off so that my little girl could always hear a voice always here and you guys and aa showed up and the church people showed up and see i always tend to look at where the aaa people are and i tend to look at i've always looked at the church critical and the eight people because i've been quick to see where church people religious people are wrong and i remember um There are a couple of things I don't know if I ever talked about. I remember when my little girl got intubated, the light went out in her eyes because I made it back to the hospital. We dropped her off. I went to work. They called me and said, come back right now. I made it back just in time and she waited for me and reached out and I saw the light go out in their eyes when I reached for her, when she reached for me. I went to the phone and called my mom, and I'm crying. And cause I knew I'd never see her look at me again. And she told me don't stop crying, man up. And I hated my mother. I hung up the phone on her. And then when they, but then she showed up and she gave everything, there everything all the time. and i asked her to pray for my little girl and she said a prayer now that i hated then but that i tell everybody all the time just pray for god's will pray for the i'm just praying for the strength if we all can make it through this pray for God's will and for us to have the strength to make it through it i'm thinking to myself why aren't you praying for my little girl's life and I'm looking at how church people are wrong i'm looking at how religious people are wrong why won't you guys do what i want you to do just like i'm mad at god why will god do what I want you and then when she died you know and I kind of felt like it's partly my fault because everybody believed except me because i knew she was in already and i've carried that but i'm always like it's something about i don't know that whole religious connection just so tough with me man it's just so tough for me but anyway and most people on here a lot of people on here know that i hated nonsense from that point i didn't go back to work i didn t go back to aa i couldn't hear my sponsor couldn't talk to sponsees they can go to a meeting couldn't my brothers couldn't you and alcoholics anonymous couldn't hear anybody or anything all i had was anger and i wrapped that anger around me like i liked the tail because it's so true like a warm blanket on a cold day just wrapped it around me and i went through life like that and i didn't get didn't drink then but 11 months later i did because no maintenance and i was stuck r was already gone i just hadn't gone to put it in bed i hadn't gotten the toy away yet that's all no spiritual maintenance see See, and I realize looking back it talks about the 11th step is really, really precise because I remember like I talked to sometimes sponsees who talk about well we could do the 11 step now. Like there'd be four to four steps and all that. I want to pray and meditate. I'm telling them sure always pray and meditation but it's not the 11-step don't get it confused But please pray and meditate. Step 11, talk through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him. Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. See, because we're praying to improve something. See my spiritual connection comes through the night that's when, for me, things really started working. but I had never had a spiritual connection. I was still, yeah, I did all that good work in the fourth and fifth step but I'd never developed that spiritual connection it was nothing to maintain and improve on and I didn't work to maintain it and improve it anyway and so when I drank it should have been no surprise to anybody but it was certainly a surprise to me and when I drink at 11 months I drank for two weeks then did something else for two week and on the anniversary of my little girl's death killed took a bunch of pills and was pronounced dead but they brought me back but they brought me because God wasn't ready for me you know and I'm really pissed at religious people the whole time you know because what kind of God would do something like that what kind of God did you bring me up on and what kind of god would let a little girl suffer the way he let herself and i just couldn't get that i i believed in him i cursed him all the time i talked to him all the time but my god i hated that guy and why what do you you hear but why if that's if that should if that the best you can do god why you know and i'm questioning and um it took me 16 years it took 16 long arguments see 16 years sound like just a couple of words here but and I went from a high bottom to a low bottom in those 16 years I went extremely low bottom because part way through it I developed glaucoma now I have zero percent vision in my right eye and 30 in my left that's how i'm stuck for the rest of my life if i'm if god willing i'll still have 30 percent in my levi and that's all i could see and um at that time i was cursing god harder because now i can't work for anybody because see i'm still being a functional addict maybe god had work for me to do and he's like man you need to speed this up you know we need to take you to the bottom just a little bit faster or before you die out there and um i cursed him and then eventually we talk about god doesn't let misery be you know he he doesn't make misery comfortable but before that i remember i thought of some things i remember while i was out there trying to get back here i remember there were some mornings because the sunday never too early day before every sunday morning and they've been doing that's been going on since november of 1987 it seemed like that's all i thought about let me get next to big proportion but my pride in my integrity and my pride and my i was so ashamed and all that i wanted to at least get a year before i made it back and so i'm trying to sneak back but i remember they were times i'd be behind my mother's garage and i'd be sitting there on sunday morning and i think because the garage would go up every more sunday at 5 30 in the morning and I think to myself Ronnie is about to open up doors it's Sunday never too early because my brother Ronald every Sunday for like 20 years he's there opening the doors and bringing in all the fruit and stuff and you know like always always and then there's a guy who comes in and sets up the chairs and stuff and there's a woman who comes in slicing the food but he did that all the time and i would give him credit for that and i wouldn't be quick to see where religious people were right because at garage going up at 5 30 in the morning every sunday was my mother and my mother would be getting in her car to go to church why would she go there if i get up at five thirty in the mornin go to churc because they would get in the kitchen and they would cook breakfast for people in the Nickerson Garden. You know, that's a project in Los Angeles, it's a really tough project you know and all the people from the projects come over to the church every Sunday morning because all of those people were here, the same people that I thought was so hypocritical and I looked at them as being on this little spiritual plane you know, and not realistic and not helping people and i just overlooked that i just over looked at all the time and she did that probably don't say 20 years that ronald was going doing the workshop stuff at the exact same time he's getting up and she's going to that church looking hash browns and pancakes whatever they're cooking for i mean they're really laying it out first just for the kids and the people the poor folks in nickerson gardens so they can have one good meal a week one good breakfast you know and eventually it got tires well eventually the girl stole my mother's car that's what happened you know there's no nothing i mean i kept trying to get back i kept trying to give back by going taking myself through the book see i kept doing the same way that i did the first time you know i said don't you be with one man with this book in your hand we believe we hope it contains all you need to begin that's the way i lied in myself and make myself my sponsor and take myself through the steps and then i find somebody and i go one through four do a hell of a fifth step with somebody and then I skipped the 12 13 just like before but then I got desperate but then I got desperate you know and because I was a little man I got real it got real bad it got to the point where because I couldn't work for anybody now I'm walking the streets I'm doing that walk all the time that aimless walk and the only income I had was was uh general general relief that's that's just public assistance that's 200 something dollars a months, right? Not enough to live. And I would supplement that by going and selling plastic. See, I'm the guy who always had great jobs. I'm a guy with six departments, 250 employees. I'm not the guy that they're flying coast to coast to bring businesses back and forth. And I'm selling plastic and I'm walking with my head down because I'm so ashamed And I can't look any of you in the eye because I'm afraid of what's looking back. And I gave up, I surrendered. I surrendered right there behind that garage while it seemed like I'd always be back there hiding and drinking and hoping nobody come back there and see me. And listening to my mother raise that garage every Sunday morning at 530 and go out and feed those people and wishing every Sunday. Morning, I was at the big book workshop. And then I gave up on that and I realized that God was not going to let me die. I was not gonna be able to recover that I was doing every single day to have absolutely no goals, no dreams, no hopes, no life. And I didn't even know, and I just couldn't die. He wouldn't let me died. I didn' realize he's carrying me for 60 years. give me back to you guys carry me to like i can get back the girl stole that car and when she stole that card my niece i rather my baby brother the one who came in in december behind me he has 30 something years now too he came in that room that i was renting from my mom and he said the car mom's car is gone and he told and my mother was standing behind him terrified of me and the woman I love more than anybody else left on the face of this earth is terrified of me and I was and it hurt me so it tore my heart out. I didn't even know I had a heart attack and it tore it out and I made one right decision and that right decision was I'm going to go back to that same rehab that I've been to two times in a five-year period. Jules, whatever you do, go in there, just go tomorrow. Go tomorrow. You know? I made that one right decision and I was able to step in with just a little bit of grace. Just a little. And when I got to that rehab, my sponsor was there. And I'm walking with my head down. Like I always do. always did walking with my head down and he walked he walked right up on me because i didn't see i say hand down i mean and he told me to pick my head up he told me that i was a child of god that i didn t have the right to walk with my head down anymore he said that god would not have put me through all the things he put me through 16 years without there being something really special that i'm supposed to do he told me that i had a responsibility to come back and help other people and i looked at him and i told him i said rico and i can't have another recovery in me i said this has to be it i said i need you to help me i need you to take me through these steps i asked somebody else for help i finally surrendered and asked someone for help and he told me no don't we know he wouldn't take me through a step he said i'll go through them with you every step of the way man i've been blessed so many times see that all this is about is a journey back to god Because, see, I hated God. I was still hating God. I didn't know how I could get back. And it took so many of you guys. So many. I got to talk fast. There's so much going on. God, it was hard to get back We went through those steps. And we went through them in order. And we worked through them thoroughly. and we he was he was trying hard to keep up with me i'm telling you he would ask me where i was and i'd tell him he'd say i better hurry up the rights lord i better hurry up and do some more because i had nothing i had that gift of desperation and i'm under god's grace and i know that grace is not forever and i work in it all All I can think about is that I have a chance, but I still can't get back to God. I still cannot figure out how to get back to God and I'm backing off the never do early big work job and we're on the fourth step by the time we're on the four step and because I'm writing it in there but I'm back now and we come in right on the It was so many, so many things. So many things had to happen right, and we were at the fourth step. And I'm trying to work my way through it because I got on my knees and did that third step with everybody else, but man, I still didn't trust God, and I'm still so mad at God. I'm still so angry at God, but see all I had to have was a willingness, just a willingness Jewel, just the willingness to believe. I didn't have to believe and my brother Ralph came up with something in the Sunday Never Too Early workshop when you have that unjustified resentment, unjustified anger, that unjustify The thing where you did nothing wrong. I can't look and see where I had any part in this. I can look and seen where I have any mistake in this, maybe Al got kidnapped or maybe you were raped as a child, maybe you're raped as an adult, maybe you are abused, maybe your kid gets killed and you just can't see your way around forgiving somebody. And what he said and what we do in that big book works out is we say, Do you want to be right or do you want to be free? Do you wanna be right? Or do you wanna me free? And I chose freedom. the fourth step and when i moved out on that four-step thing started looking differently started to look at the world differently because see i looked at it and i said well god didn't give my little girl that bad medicine the doctor children's hospital i didn't kill my little girl killed the doctors of cedar sinai made that decision i looked at the fact that god i begged him to take my life not earth when did god start working for me instead of me working for him and then i looked at the fact of my eyesight that i'm blind and i can't work for anybody and i cannot make a living but he left me with 30 vision i see all of you guys i can read books like i do and i've been doing taxes for 40 years i can do tax 30 vision as well or better than anybody in the world and it turns out when you're not drinking and use and you actually are able to really build a practice and really make a living and i have way more business than i could possibly end you know and that's all due to you guys all due to this journey back to god and what's more the bigger parts are i had to put god on that ninth step you know because it's either amends or forgiveness and in this case i had making amends to god because he carried me and i also had to forgive god you know and when i started doing all those amends i did them with all my brothers i did it to my ex-wife i did him with my mom and he was a support of men's i did other amends where it was money and stuff but the ones when they're personal those are the hardest ones to meet that's the ones where i'm going in and i have to relive all the things that i did for 16 years and when I went through those that's when i developed a real conscious contact with god every amends i did because i built that plank on the eight step i built it with all the men's i wrote down and then i walked that plane and i had to make that leap of faith over and over and over and again and when i made those leaps started happening in my life and things started to pick up in my life and i said i gotta go through all these though and as great as those amends were i knew i had to do the maintenance this time and so i did that 10th step and i do the 10 step that's probably the fourth step that i do right now but i'll tell you one of the better steps that i do in that step 11. i maintain that conscious contact with god as we understand him i what i do is through the prayer meditation and see i've learned some things i talk to people i open my mouth and then i came to this workshop thank you risa thank you ali polly pistol i heard ralph here about that last week at this meeting and that was the same thing that hit me when holly came here and she did a practical thing on it and i started doing my prayer because my sponsor told me just meditate it doesn't matter if you do two minutes five minutes ten minute whatever you do but do it consistently you know and i started to do that but then it got more home and more developed and i do that meditation and i write my gratitude i write my to-do list i write a gratitude lesson at night i look and see how well i did and it's so simple but what i do in that is i found that i take me out because i do that prayer every time before i don't do a whole bunch of reading and a whole bunch of praying but i just go back to a vision for you ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for a man who's still sick and see i keep it real simple i keep it real simply for me or a guy like me because i don't worry about me man look at all the stuff that's happened to me since i don' t worry about being i'm a guy who went from being a cautionary tale, and I'm still a cautionery tale. And I'm telling you guys due to maintenance, but I'm also a guy who's a tale of redemption. I came back in this fellowship and see my brother Ronald stepped up for me. Things immediately happened for me the day I went back to that big book workshop. The very first day I walked in there he just told a guy, He told a guy who's standing in there, Reggie can't drive, he's legally blind. Can you take him to a couple of meetings at night? Just a couple meetings and my friend Angel, that guy, he started taking, he asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting that night, I said yes. And he asked the next night I said yeah, and he asked for two straight years and I said yes every single night and then that's what he told me he said you know your brother ronald asked me to take you to a couple of meetings that day you came back and that's why i asked you he said i never thought you'd go more than a week and he thanked me thank me from rebuilding his program for getting back in touch with his program man that's what god does for us god does from me what i can't do for myself when i'm doing for someone else and that's me with the whole 11 step is about i'll tell you about what the 11th what god's will for me looks like when i've not been god's wheel and when i am in god's will one of the times during that period i told you i went to that same program rehab two times in a five year well three times in the five-year period one of those times i had actually made it up to a year and god's will told me that i should be i thought my will that god's wheel for me was to go to this uh prison and visit this ex-girlfriend of mine same one that stole the car right keep visiting her and help bring her back to sobriety right that was not i thought that was god's world for me see that's what happens when i don't pray and meditate i'm sneaking off i'm speaking up i told a couple of guys but i didn't tell my sponsor and certainly didn't kill anybody that you know they looked at me and we all laughed at each other i said i got a plan and we always laugh together because we knew where it was going and us and that's my that's me thinking i'm doing god's will as opposed to me meditating and praying and asking God to direct my thinking and asking God just simply, for me, I don't know how anybody else has to do this, but for me what can I do each day for a man who's still sick? What can I do? And see when that comes up Jules, that's why you have two guys who are ready to take you to the hospital tomorrow. They're ready to bring you a bottle of vodka and let you drink and take you with your outfield foot up in the hospital. That's Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why that guy put me in his car for two straight years and even more, and took me to all these meetings. All these meetings, that's Alcoholic Anonymous God, I don't know how much more time I have but I think I'm done talking and here's all I've got to say at the end. got a couple of things to say because due to Alcoholics Anonymous, due to this 11th step I was able to get that contact back with my mom. My mom is now 91 years old she just celebrated her 91st birthday on February 1st and see my mother all those years like I said a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child and what she did for me is she always tried to keep me under her garage roof or under her roof let me pay rent i'm paying rent now but they don't give up on you a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child she wouldn't give but every time i would see her especially when she talked seemed like with ronald and ralph especially it would be so cheerful hey hey uh ronnell hey brown hey ronnie you know just chair pulling up and with me she would just look and shake her head or hey reggie you know and you know um about a month ago she looked at me i walked in her door and she said hey regie he was so excited and i looked at her and started laughing he asked me why i laughed i said to her mom i waited 16 years for that i said i waited 60 years to hear you say hey red you like that that's due to you guys that's true to god that's through a conscious contact with god and with all of the help, all of the spiritual help of all of you with Alcoholics Anonymous. And one more quick thing. And then my little niece. You know, because I don't think I've hurt anybody. I never think I'm hurting anybody. I'm going away. And for all of our new friends, when we think we're walking back in and we didn't hurt anybody and all that, well, for me, this is how it looked. That niece is the same one. My mother told me a couple months ago, your niece at a men's, my mother is too much into this program she said you owe your niece an amends and i'm like what did i do she said your niece got the car out of impound after that girl stole ah the best day in my life when that girl stolen a car june 24 2017 where i've never ever had another thought of a drink since then yeah that was the best thing in my life i didn't know it at the time so yes i got to pay that amends and i i called my niece and i told her i wanted to make amends and i offered her that money and of course she said no and i tell her that if i didn t pay her that money i might drink or use again she quickly took the money um and i asked her that question is there any other way that i've harmed anything else i've done and she said yes she said uncle You always put all of us, you put me and my sisters and everybody, all the kids on your knee, every Christmas, every Thanksgiving. And you told these crazy stories, you and Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. And you've told all these stories and you had us laughing and you always told me you loved me and I always wanted you to do that with my kids. She said, I always want you to do that what my kids and you weren't here. And she told me, you were in that room and you wouldn't come out. We were all right here. She said, I just wanted you to come out and look me in the eye and tell me you love me. I wanted to be able to hug you and tell you how much I love you. She said even when I saw you, you'd just walk with your head down and walk right there. She said, I just wanted you to tell me. And she said, you were gone so long. It was so long, I never thought I'd have you back, uncle. Well today, she has her uncle back. My mother has her son back. And my brothers have their brother back. It's all due to God. It's due to you and Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to thank you so much, Ali, for asking me to come out. I want a thank you, Theresa. My name's Reggie White. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you.