Something Said Get Up, and for the First Time, I Listened – Sharon B.

Hi, my name is Sharon Barker. I'm an alcoholic. Would you move my silver Mercedes, please? No, it's in the fire lane. I don't know if I'd claim it. I'm grateful to be here tonight. I'M GRATEFUL TO BE AT AN ALCOHOLIC SYNONYMOUS MEETING. I'D LIKE TO THANK CLANCY FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING ABLE TO SHARE IN MY HOME GROUP. THIS IS WHERE I'VE GROWN UP. MY LIFE HAS INTERTWINED SO MUCH WITH ALL OF YOURS AND YOURS IS WITH MINE. I was thinking what Andy was talking about. It's very interesting that her sister is about ready to give birth, and it's also my son's stepmom, and that's the way it works here, you know. I'm very happy about all of that, and only with a program. I'll tell you, only with... Wait a minute. I've got a friend here that I work with, and it'S interesting. I've kept my anonymity so guarded at work because, you know, I work with Harvard graduates, you know, and they don't know a thing about me other than I show up, I do a good job, and I'm reliable. And, I mean, I may try to make small jokes with them, and they don' t get it. They just kind of look at me with that blank stare, so I just try to stick to the business. But I was talking in a crowd one day, And I just kind of let the word slip come out of my mouth when we were talking about food or something. And I said, God, you don't even get a flip with a candy bar in her eyes lit up. And that's a telltale word, I'll tell you, in the circles of a law firm if you use that word. They know that maybe you're on a program somewhere. But she's with me tonight here and I'm glad that she's there. And if there's somebody else there, I can be a good example to them today if I don't feel like. because I've been taught that in alcoholics and as you show up I've been taught said life is a session and if you want it you better you know suit up and show up and I let my god wear the manager's uniform most days I'll wear a number and go out there but I am I'm 13 years six months and 11 days sober and I haven't done it alone and I've done it a day at a time and when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I, too, wasn't even here to cut down. I mean, I had no idea this was going to be a whole new way of life for me. And they didn't tell me to get rid of my friends or my jobs or my cars or anything because I didn't have anything. And it was very apparent to them. And that was okay. I didn' t know how they all knew I was new, but I got a lot of attention and they raised my hand for me and I bought my big book from Maurice who shoved it in my hand you know and and I gave him my last quarter I remember because I wondered why he was trying to give me something um and I've been taught in Alcoholics Anonymous that what has been given to me I can give away and that's part of the change and that how I can freely accept it because before I had any self-worth I didn't really accept anything I started to drink alcohol at 14 and I got drunk and taken advantage of and that was that was was my night, Matt. I'm sorry, but it changed my life. It changed my life. I gave up being a nun the next day. I gave up a lot of things. Alcohol became important to me and it became more important to me as I drank more. I am not a product of an alcoholic home. I can't blame it on anybody. They're all normal in my family and they still look like they're going to remain that way. And I drank alcohol because it did something for me. It filled me up. It made me omnipotent some nights. It just made me be the life of the party. There was always that person inside of me that was waiting to come out, and alcohol allowed it to happen. I got secure with alcohol. The late 60s is when I also went to college, and I am not one to ever say no. So when you handed me a handful of drugs, I said more. So I just supplemented my alcohol with the the drugs that were around in the late 60s. And I went to college because you did that in my family. And my dad, my father went through hell with me. My parents, I am so glad we have amends and alcoholics and odds because my parents, I know that my mother probably lost many, many nights of sleep every time the phone rang. A lot of the times it was me. I know dat my father worried about me incessantly, but yet we couldn't ever meet. They didn't ever recognize the disease of alcoholism. They never did. And today they know about us. Today they've been here. They have watched my life improve in 13 years. They have come out here to watch me get married. They have came out here to meet many of you. They still say to me after being here four or five days why I'm going to so many meetings. You still have to go to so much and so many meeting. Boy, the phone rings a lot and that's okay hey, because they don't understand because they're not my family of understanding. You are my family of understanding and God in the late 60s that was my cry, you don't understand. And I had a bottle of wine in one hand and you know hits of orange sunshine which was some good acid in the other and you now that's all I needed. A little bit of anger and a good protest and there I was. I was comfortable and as my alcoholism progressed I got more angry. I got angry at my father, I got got angry at the government. I got angry at my God. I get angry at men. I got angry with women. I got angry and did you hear that? I was having a hallucination. Okay, good. Very thank you. Thank you, Teresa. Teresa said yes. But, you know, I went ended up in New York City and I tried to have a real life there and it didn't work too well. And, you know, when I'm out till four or five in the morning drinking in the bars wearing costumes bringing home guys that I played instruments. I met in Central Park. And then, you know, then I'd have to withdraw the I Ching to see what the day was going to hold. And then I had to kind of, you now, eat some uppers and come down on the alcohol from the acid and try to go to work to this advertising agency on subways. I just went flippy. And I went slowly crazy. And I got back to college, and it got worse. And I ended up in Colorado. And I thought I met Bob Dylan. And, you known, I don't know who he was, but we came to California together. and I had a great time in California and I was on a commune and I thought that was my answer and the commune wasn't the answer and you know on and on at 21 years old I'm home in Iowa which I didn't tell you I grew up there I've made peace with Iowa now but I was so resentful of being born there you know when I was out drinking the bars I was at least from Wisconsin because they had cheese you know milk Iowa had pigs and corn I mean it was just not cool in New York. So I claim to be from Wisconsin all those years because I always said Apple funny, you know, they could always tell a Midwesterner. But I live with my mom and dad. My dad and I weren't speaking. I had had a suicide attempt. I've been taken to the priest a couple of times. I had been to psychiatrists. I have been with the Christians on my 21st birthday. I mean, it was just the night to always remember at the Bank of America building in Westwood where I secretly always wanted to blow it up. You know, I was dancing with these peace and loving Krishna is the one to take me away forever and I said but you don't understand I don't do forever and so I left and um I had been through a lot of situations where there was help available that's what I'm saying and I was never I have selective hearing I don t hear help I don' t feel help I don I don d deserve help it's where I m at with my alcoholism and 21 years old I am dying and I don know I m dying I know something is just terribly wrong And I just was the thing that lived upstairs that winter. That was it. And I drank alcohol, and I looked at all the losers at the end of the bar in this small tavern in Iowa. And, you know, I was in there judging them, and Iím a loser too. And I went to Wisconsin. Finally, I made it to Wisconsin, and my mentor took me. And his name was Phil. He was very tall and very organic, and thatís where we went, to an organic farm. arm. And he took away my alcohol and he gave me, took away my cigarettes and gave me packs of joints and he gave me organic dandelion wine. And we had organic bread. We had organic sheep. We have organic wood. We didn't even use oil or gas. We just used wood. We were organic all the way through. And I started to get a little itchy when I wanted to get drunk and he didn't like me drunk. And I made a decision. I thought, you know, alcohol is more important than this guy. And what But what I did was, it was about November. I remember, I can flashback and remember the decision I made because he was sitting there playing his Pete Seeger How to Play the Banjo one more night, you know? And it's just on and on and off. And he just sits there and he goes, bum titty, bum tizzy, bum titty, over and over again. And I needed a bottle of wine to put along with this bum titti in the snowstorm. And I went and got me two bottles of wine and I got drunk And he just gave me that disgusted glare and that disgustive look. And he said, you know, why can't you just smoke these? And I made a decision that night. I said, okay, alcohol wins. It had won. Now come spring when I finally drove him away and I ended up alone with the sheep, the horse, my bottles of wine or whatever I wanted to drink, and I was happy because I wanted it to drink. And Clarence the farmer would come visit me. occasionally. That was really my only friend, and his license had been taken away for, you know, drunk driving up in Wisconsin, so he drove his tractor. And he would occasionally, you know, he would bring the booze, and he'd come, and we'd sing Indian love songs. That's what I like to sing on this pink piano. And so we would sing these Indian love song, because sometimes he wouldn't put in his teeth, you know, and sometimes he would put in his teeth. But he always brought the boozes, and we always had a party, and I was perfectly happy with that. Now, I had this half acre of marijuana. I went to harvest it, and they did it right, and I had all these trash bags full of pot. And I called, andI got a deal set up in Menomonee. It was 45 miles away, and l drove into Menomnee with me and my dog, and we knocked at the door, and you say the code word, and you get in, and it's okay, where is the stuff? And I don't know. My dog and I forgot it. We left it back at the farm. So I joined the carnival that night, and that's the way my best thinking worked. That was it. I became a carnival worker, and I broke my mother's heart when I called her. I told her I was running a shooting gallery, and it was great. She just didn't think it was something that an educated daughter of hers should be doing, so I quit calling home a lot after that. Bogalusa, Louisiana I got put in jail for drugs and the skunk got put in jail and the snake got put into jail because I had you know added a few attractions at the moment and the dog got put in jail. And when I got out of jail 31 days later I went to New Orleans and now my drug of choice is Jose Cuervo Gold now that's my real drug of choice. There was an Irishman speaking here about a month ago and he He was very educated, well-educated, and he had a lot of finesse. He was talking about how he drank martinis, and they sounded like when you could hear the crackle of the martini. You just start to feel better. And I thought, yeah, that's the way a martini sounds. It kind of crackles. And I said, what did Jose Cuervo Gold sound like? And I started to think about that. And I saw it about one night when I was lying in bed, and it was a quiet street, and there was some guy about half a block away trying to kickstart a Harley. And I'd listen to him try to kick start and it wouldn't start. And he'd do it again and it wasn't starting. You're just anticipating it. And then you finally really get it going. And that's the way Jose Cuervo Gold worked for me. It's just like a kick start, you know? And it got me where I wanted to go. Now, as my alcoholism progressed, my body started to fall apart. I was one of those toxic, alcoholic, derelict-looking women when I got sober. My life in New Orleans got continually worse. I became a dancer, and I didn't do well because I fell off too many times, the baby grand. And then I became an bartender, and I did real well at that because you can drink on the job. I glanced at the little store that I used to stop and take my laundry to occasionally, because I didn' t do laundry. I didn''t pay light bills. I didn ''t do any of that stuff. And I would occasionally just take everything in and throw it in this laundromat. And I saw a picture. I saw myself, a reflection of myself one day. And this was a fat, derelict-looking woman, and it was me. And my parents came to visit me. I was living above a biker bar with this guy that we had a two-year love affair of black eyes. And they saw their daughter living in filth. They saw their daugther living with a guy who didn't call her nice words. He called her four-letter words. They saw her living in the disease of alcoholism, and they didn't know it. And they went home back to Iowa. And then it was a very sad thing when I got to make amends to my parents. It was like they couldn't face it, you know, they just couldn't chase what had happened to me. And it's taken them watching me grow up in alcoholic synonymous for them to know that I was an alcoholic. They know the disease alcoholism today. My father has 12 step people and he has the big book. He read it, and when people come to him with problems, he'll tell them, maybe you're an alcoholic. And a couple of them have gotten sober, but they still don't understand. And they didn't understand that day, and neither did I. And from that point to July 27th, my alcoholism got worse. I ended up at Barney's Beanery in the rain check and got Rudy's Bar in West Hollywood. And I was just a sick, sick person. You didn't want to sit by me on a Saturday night or a Friday night. I wasn't much fun. I went out to Palm Springs one night in the back of a Harley outside of Barney's Beanery. Now, Barney'S Beanery is important to me because it was the first place I ever saw a big book. It was the 1st place I heard anybody say AA meeting. And the girl called a cab because she couldn't drive. She was too drunk and went to A&A. And we all cheered her out the door, and that was the 2nd time I'd ever seen the big book But that girl was my Eskimo. And that girl got me to Alcoholics Anonymous, so her name was Chris. But it didn't happen for about 3 more weeks. On July 27th, I went out to Palm Springs, and they put me on the back of a Harley because they needed a little extra weight that night going through the desert. So they put the fat one on theback. And I went outside with them, andthey left me in a bar, and I found two new friendsthat beat me up that night. Now, I don't know about you, but I've been in that situation many, many times, and it's usually worked out okay, you know? But that night it didn't, and that night they did beat meup, and they broke my jaw in three places. And they raped me, and they had a good time, you know. And I don't remember much of it, but when I came to, I was face down on the desert floor. And I was outside of town about a couple of miles, and it was about 630 in the morning. And I had nothing on, and I was bleeding profusely from this jaw that had been broken. And they had left me out there to die. And something happened that morning. Something said, get up, I want to live. And I heard it and I got up and I found somebody's condominium and I passed out in a lawn chair where a gardener found me and they took me into the hospital. And I was finally what I always wanted to be, which was full-blown victim. Full-blow victim. And I knew something else that morning going into surgery. I had another little kick and it said, you know, your dad didn't put you here on this gurney. You know, and George, who broke your heart when you were 18, didn't Put you here On This Gurney. And that Catholic God didn't do this to you, Sharon. Sharon, you know, Vietnam didn't lay you right here. All those outside things that I had blamed for how I felt because I was so afraid to look inside. Something said to me, you did this to you, Sharon. And I took responsibility that morning without knowing what I was doing. And I laid in intensive care and another bunch of fortuitous events happened that I cannot explain. I knew that nobody sent me an airplane ticket and somebody I had met at Barney's Beanery He said I could come live with him after I got out of the hospital. So I went and lived above a liquor store. And I lived above this liquor store, and I was on a liquid diet because I had all these wires on my face. And he bought me red wine, and then I'd stick a straw in the red wine and stick a star where the tooth was, and I'd suck on it, and there was no kick. There was no warmth. There was nothing. And I just sat there and sucked on the red one because I didn't want to go into DTs. I had done that before, andI didn't wanna do that. And Ijust sat thereand drank this wine day after day afterday. And then he told me I had to leave, and I called my mother. I call my family, too, when I'm in trouble. And my mother said, you know, Sharon, this is an Iowa. My mother, who has been married to my father for 47 years, my mother, whose just the salt of the earth, said, I can't help you anymore, Sharon. Why don't you go to the Salvation Army? And I don't know where she got those words that morning because she didn't know if her daughter was dead or alive. She didn't knows what was going on other than I was a very sick woman. woman. And I called Chris, who I had known from Barney's Beanery because her number was right there. I don't know why. Norm Albee talked about it seconds and inches, seconds and inches. That number could have been turned over and I wouldn't have called and I, I wouldn't be here. My mother could have sent me $20 and you'd have another speaker tonight. But it just happened. And so I called her and she said, I'm going to call you. And I called him. And Chris called me the woman named Suzanne. And Suzanne got me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that night and I had no idea. I hadno idea what was going to happen when I walked in here. I didn't know it was happening for a long time. I just kept coming back. My life, as I said, you know, these girls pick me up. This is the scene. It's August 20th. It's hot. They put me in the back of a Volkswagen. I have broken hirachi shoes. I'm coming out of my blue jeans. I have a turquoise shirt that's bleach-stained t-shirt. I have these wires all over my face. I look like a raccoon and my hair is unkempt and coned and I probably smelled and they were like so happy to see me. I didn't get it, you know, at all. And they were proud of me and they took me in the front of this meeting and the man, John DeLeo, was at the door. I remember how nice he was to me. And he had a tie on and he looked good. And they raised my hand and I got all this attention. Like I said, I didn'T know how they knew I was new, you Know? But it was just, it was, the love of alcoholics was starting to happen around me and I didn' t even know it. They just said, they took Me home and said, Don't drink and use between meetings, we'll pick you up tomorrow night. and then a couple days later they gave me a sleeping bag and I was assigned to different women's floors. And that's the way I sobered up, was in a sleeping back with a big book that Maurice had given me. And that was it. I didn't go to detox. I didn' t know about any of that. No idea. I just sobered-up here in Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I remember a woman named Caroline was so nice to me and I asked her later, I said, Caroline, how come you were so nice when I was new? She said, because my sponsor pointed had a finger at you and said, go over and work with that newcomer. Because I found out later that a lot of these old-timers, she told me, Pat told me. She said, Sharon, we were really hoping you'd make it, but we were hoping we didn't have to get too involved. And so they sent their babies over to learn to work with newcomers. And it worked. And I slept, a lady named June Ann drugged me around. I slept in a hallway in Hollywood would. And I met my cat that I still have today. And, and I just didn't drink and use between me's. I kept coming back. And about eight days later, a woman named Pat came in and boy, she got more attention than me because her husband was dying of cancer. And I had my first revampment. And you know, I was kind of like the newcomer that was left behind then. And Pat has kept me sober. I love Pat today. She doesn't know how much she's kept me sobre. That, the first three months I was here, I wasn't wired up so I I couldn't talk, you know. And so the ears had to open, which is a blessing in disguise. But Pat would get called to share at the podium, you know, and nobody called on me for three months because I couldn' t talk, no. And I would just, God, I would be so jealous. And then I'd think, well, I'm going to show those old-timers I'm gong to go out and drink. And I thought, no, they don't have less time than Pat. And I remember when I was doing my fourth and fifth step, you know, Pat had done hers at about six months, you know. She was just a rock at the stardom. And it seemed like every time they read chapter after five and they would get to step four and five, she would look at me with those thin little blue lips, you know, because she had done hers. And so it motivated me to finish my fourth and my fifth. I think peer pressure is wonderful. It works for me. I need a little bit of competition, but my first year was very hard. I got a sponsor and the sponsor moved me up to her couch. So as soon as that, you Know, that was a plus for sponsorship. That was my first spiritual experience. Then she made me get on my knees, and I could never remember to get on my knees. So I had to put a string around my toothbrush. I was real ringy and dingy and ringy-dingy, I guess. But what I remember Chuck asked me one night, are you going to go to tomorrow night's meeting? And I was still wired up. I said, I'll have a ride. I don't know. I can't make plans. It's a day at a time. And I would say, I'm not going to do it. I was so confused. And he showed me how living a day-at-a-time meant you could make plans. But emotionally, he said, well, how are you right now, kid? you know, and he had to stand there for a half a minute while the Rolodex had to spin, and then it'd land on something. And I'd say, fine, you know. And they were kind to me around here. The people were kind zu me. And I would tell these old-timer men that looked like they might have a buck or two. I'd tell them, I've got to go back to New Orleans and get my clothes. And they'd give me handfuls of change and call your sponsor kid. And my life was real slow starting, but I was around a bunch of people who they knew because they had been there. It amazes me today when I'm working with somebody new or somebody I sponsor, and they say, how do you know? And they forget I've been there, that I've walked that path too. And I got a place, a $24-a-week room. I got job. I had to go be a waitress again. They wouldn't let me be a bartender, but I started to learn how to fake it till you feel it. My tips got better when I changed my attitude. Then I became a travel agent, and life just got slowly better. I found out I hated the fly. And, you know, it's just I got emotionally involved. I got married at two years. Life got real good. You know, he did coffee. I did cookies. We went to general service together. We were busy in Alcoholics Anonymous. That became my whole life. About five years of sobriety, I got to go back to New Orleans. Now, I get to make amends for that town with many of you here. And it was a wonderful trip. It was the international convention they have every five years in Alcoholic Anonymous, And I got to take some of the people back to some of my old red beans and rice haunts, and we had a great time. And I get to see some of old cronies, and some of them are sober now and some are dead. A couple of my very good friends are sober five years. And I like to think that the example of Alcoholics Anonymous was in town that weekend. I was just back in Lafayette, and I was standing there, and somebody walked up to me that I hadn't seen probably in 13 or 14 years, and didn't even recognize him. and he had 58 days of sobriety, and we thought he was dead. And a lot of circles have closed for me by staying sober and alcoholic, and that was on the outside and the inside. I have, they said, you know, to get a God, and as long as it's not you. So I picked the first thing I drove by, which was Beacon's moving van. I picked Beacon as my higher power, and it made sense. You know, I felt like it made sens at the time, so that's what I prayed to. and it's changed since then, but, you know, gotten a lot deeper since then. But I remember I was somewhere, I was on the road last summer and I was real uptight about making a connection or a plane or something and I would just tense and I looked out the window and there was beacons, you know, and I knew, oh, it's going to be all right, you know, it still works, it'll work. So about five years of sobriety, I had a sponsor named Ginny and Ginny taught me a lot about becoming a woman and taught me a lot about becoming a wife and taught my a lot of the things I was afraid to look at because I didn't know I could do it. And he talked about coming in here and letting go of your past and you have to do that but you want to put that other hand out for something else and what if it doesn't get filled? And I was always so afraid of letting go because if I grabbed hold there might not be anything there. I might not have any character. And she taught me about letting go of the turd and to me it's a spiritual concept up. And it's like I've been having my hands around this thing in my pocket forever, and it's very precious to me. And, and it's, like, something that I just won't even show, you know, my closest friend. And one day, my sponsor coerces me into taking it out, into letting her peel back the fingers and look at my hand. And she looks at me, and she says, but Sharon, it's a turd. And I said, you know, I know, Ginny, but it's my turd, and that's the way I let go of things, you know, very, very slowly and usually with pain. Now I have sponsors that say, you know, when I hit my head once or twice, I call and I say, wait a minute. And they'll say, turn left or turn right. Now listen, I don't have to be thrown out in the street anymore to change. I need a little pain to change, yes I do. And every time I go through pain, I just look at it like on the other end, I will know why. You know, I'm in this swamp and I'm going to keep walking. It takes just as much energy to get to the other end as it does to go back to the beginning. So I want to know why, so I'm going to keep walking. And in hindsight, I usually do know why. When my marriage went awry, it was real painful. I didn't know what was going on. And then we got that worked out and we worked the program. And I got pregnant and I got elected secretary here. No, I got elected secretary, then pregnant. And so I grew here, you know? I grew at the podium every week. And it was a wonderful experience. After my term was over, my son was born. He He was a good alitot from the beginning. And Wesley was born with all his fingers and toes, and I took hundreds and hundreds of hits of LSD, and I drank a lot of alcohol, and I take a lot drugs. And he's God's kid, and he's God's gift. And I'm really glad that I didn't know I wanted to be a mother, but that I am. And I didn' t know I could do that. My husband left on the 86th of January and I had to let him go. It wasn' t real appropriate to hang on his leg I guess, walking out the door. And I'm trying to share my experience and strength and hope with somebody on the other end. And I had to let him go. And nobody got custody of this meeting. And we both walked through it here. And it was real painful. And we just circled wagons on opposite sides of the room, I think. And I am so grateful nobody drank. He'll have 14 years this month. And I Am Real Grateful that We Both Walked Through It With Sponsors and the help of the people here. Clancy had become my sponsor. And what he said to me one night when he saw that crazed look, he happened to be here at a Saturday night meeting and I happened to walking towards my then-husband with a cup of hot coffee. That was just one of those nights I got overwhelmed. And he stopped me, you know, and he took me by the shoulders and he says, Sharon, you will walk through this with dignity and grace so you can be an example for others. And I heard him. I heard Him. And I did. I started to try to walk through it with dignity in grace. I went to see Sheila, who I sponsor, who's a nun. And that's quite an experience. And I was sitting there in the church one day and I felt the peace of the healing about a year later after walking through this with as much dignity and grace as I could muster on a daily basis. And I felt healed again and I feel like I didn't have to be a victim anymore. And out of that came a bunch of new choices in my life. Out of that game a terrific job. Out of that came a lot of new babies that God gave me to work with, to start over with again and to work these steps with them again. Out of this came a relationship with somebody who I've had for almost two years and it's gotten continually better. It's amazing that the things inside that have changed have gotten continually better. When I was seven years sober, I took my birthday cake and it was the first time I could feel from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes God's grace within me because I had cleaned out enough house that it was able to fill me up so by the time I let go there was something there to put there and that's God's great and I didn't know that was possible I'm still real I'm busy in alcoholics and I'm busy in my life, I have a wonderful four and a half year old who I just got a teacher a letter from the principal, it sounds like he's the new John Dillinger but he's just a kid you know And he goes through his up days and his bad days. But, you know, when we go to birthday parties, I'll go out there with all these normal mothers from the nursery school and these things keep coming back after they sing happy birthday to the kid. I feel like we have something real special here. I feel Like there is a lot of God's healing grace and power within this room. I have grown up here. I have made my mistakes here. I have asked you how. I have a wonderful sponsor who shows me where the middle of the road is. You know, I always wanted such instant gratification, and now I'm here for long-term results. It means so much more. A lot of the time I'm in the hallway. You know? One door closes, another opens. And I spend a lot of my time, it seems like, in the hallways sometimes. And I just meet a lot you in the halloweys, that's all. And we have a good time talking about things in the haulway. We'll crack a window occasionally, you know? And hang some pictures on the wall. And the next time the door opens, we all run like hell just so you can get through it first. You know, I find that in self-forgetting, I have peace. You know when I can ask you how you are, when I could pick up the phone and talk to you, and I can come to a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and feel that I am where I belong and to feel that you understand because that was always my cry, you don't understand. And there's a gift here that's an incredible gift, it's the gift of sobriety. sobriety. I wasn't even looking for that when I came to Echo Park, August 20th, 1975. It was the Salvation Army or this other place. You know, and I have a loving and kind God that brought me here, gave me the gift of sobriete. You said, here's the tools. This is what you do if you want to stay sober. You have to work the steps. And I have worked the steps, and i've had a spiritual awakening as a result of working these steps. If you're new you've got the gift if you're sitting in here tonight you've got the gifts not everybody gets it Chris who brought me alcoholics and I was the girl who I called that got me here died of the disease about five years ago she was 30 years old and she was very artistic and very pretty at one time and she looked like an old woman she looked like I looked when I got here but I got hair and you saw something inside of these dead eyes we're saving and you gave me the program for fun and for free and the only thing you said is please pass it along Sharon so you can keep it I am real grateful to be with my family tonight thank you very much, I love you