Six Readings of Chapter Four and Still Bargaining Against Surrender – Doug R.

Hi everybody, my name is Doug Rowell and I am a grateful alcoholic. I have a home group in California, in Studio City, it's called the Winner's Attitude Adjustment Group. It meets every day of the year at 7 a.m. in the Little Brown Church in Studio city. If you're ever there, come around at 7 o'clock and we'd love to have you. I have sponsor named Steve and I have sobriety date which is June 7th of 1987. Not a record, but it's the best I could do. I would have had a lot more time if I hadn't drank so long. But I think I would've missed an important drink. So it's good to be here when I'm here. I want to thank the committee. What a wonderful job you've done. How about a big hand for the committee to put this thing together? I work on a committee of the local big convention, AA convention, the San Fernando Valley Convention in Southern California, first weekend in February of every year. And I know what it takes to put one of these things together. And we have people that argue all year. Hardly any of them drink and die. but, you know, if it happens, it happens. We've still got to put the convention on. You know, it's a lot of fun. You know you get some old-timers yelling at each other at some of these convention meetings and if you're new working on these committees you think that oh my God I finally found Alcoholics Anonymous and it's going to blow up right in my face and that's what it feels like. I heard when I was new I went to my first business meeting when I was two months sober and my sponsor told me that I should come to the business meeting of my home group so I did and it scared the hell out of me. It happened that they were arguing about the Christmas decorations that they ever going to have and some of them wanted to put up this manger that they put up every year, almost every year. They had an argument around August, whether they were going to put the manger up or not. And some people would say, you know, it's an outside issue. You know, and Christianity is not a Christian program. Well, God damn it, it is a spiritual program. And we need to put that manger up there. It is a Christian society and it doesn't mean anything. And somebody else would say well, it would be okay if we put a Star of David up there too maybe. And I was sitting there going what is all this? Listen, you know, we're breaking the 6th tradition and the 10th tradition. And I'm going, what is that? And it seemed like everybody knew but me, you Know. And finally this old guy named Stan stood up and he said, He said, The 4th tradition says we can use the 2nd tradition to violate the 6 and 10th traditions. And the 9th tradition said there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. now I didn't know what any of those numbers meant but I could see that there were people in the room that did know because they were scratching their heads boy you know he's right and I'll tell you if you knew this is a very very loose interpretation of the traditions but it got me interested I want to know what they meant when those numbers came up so I started studying the traditions But anyway, that just came out. You know why I love to do this? Because I never know what I'm going to say. I can hardly wait when I sit down, you know, or get the tape and say, did I say that? I should have done that. That wasn't even true. You know? And I love being sober, and I love Being an Alcoholic, and I Love Being a Member of Alcoholics. I am so grateful to be an alcoholic. I am. And the reason I say that is just to irritate the newcomers, you know? Because I don't know if it does, but boy, it irritated me when I was new and I'd hear somebody say, I'm a grateful alcoholic. I didn't hear anything for the next 10 minutes. I'd be thinking, grateful alcoholic? What the hell does that mean? Grateful alcoholic? There's two words that don't belong together, you Know? couldn't mean that he's grateful to be an alcoholic that would be stupid I mean if it's really a terminal disease who would be grateful for something like that he probably means he's an alcoholic he's also grateful maybe he's just grateful that he got his driver's license back or maybe he was grateful that his family didn't leave or maybe He's grateful that He got His job back or something, you know, he's probably an alcoholic who's grateful that he got his driver's license back so he can go this grateful stupid job and support his grateful family because I'm not very happy about being an alcoholic I don't know if I'm minded there's certain advantages to being an alcoholic when somebody says well why do you drink so much? you say, well, I'm an alcoholic duh and they kind of leave you alone for a minute they don't know what to say because a lot of times they're fixing to tell you maybe you're an alcoholic if you beat them to the punch and they go, well, yeah that's right have fun so I knew I was an alcoholic but I thought maybe I was some other kind of alcoholic I didn't think I was the same kind of alcoholic as you are and so but you know it turns out that I am the same kind of alcohol this is not that many varieties actually I'm grateful for the Al-Anon family group too uh I love the Al Anon speakers at st. Rose of Al Anan talk to us yesterday and who said she doesn't like that much in that name as much as the old bat that drove me to drink yeah she's been in this program way too long you know like but I understand that I understand it you know and my friend Beverly who's I've known for a while and I just she's just the most loving woman you know I just love her she's no wonder grandchildren call her happy you know she is happy and I love that I love the participation of the Al-Anon in A.A. conventions, Alan on an A.I. conventions and partly because they're a lot sicker than we are and you know it's not so much that it makes us look good you know but but they are they I mean just crazy about an alcoholic but I don't want to drink with you thanks you You know, oh, what's wrong with that picture? And I have a friend in Arkansas named Mary Pearl. She's at Al-Anon and she said to me when, you know, we might be sicker than you all. But the answer to the program is in our literature. Y'all have a book called As Bill Sees It. Ours is called Lois Remembers. so I guess thank God for blackouts really you know aren't you embarrassed about last night what when I came to AA AA, I wanted to do this. I wanted, you know, the idea of... See, I know a lot of AA speakers that just hate doing it. They really hate, and they're really good speakers, but they hate to be asked, and I can't understand. I'm just the opposite. I'm not much of a speaker, but I love to be ask to do it. I love doing it! I want to be the speaker at the first meeting I ever went to. You know? I can do that. but but I was a little drunk that night you know so so one like they were standing in line to get me up here anything you know but there it was it wasn't bad and people weren't mean to me or anything in fact in fact the first meeting I ever went to three separate people I mean it wasn't a big meeting like this it was maybe 40 50 people there and three separate people two men and a woman individually strangers to me came up to me and said said, you're new. It wasn't a question either. They said, you're knew. And I said, yeah. And they said, put out your hand and said, keep coming back. Now, you know, we do that. I mean, we just do that. And we don't really think so much about it, I don't think. You know, keep coming back is not even something we throw around. But see, if you're new, I'll tell you what, you probably have some ideas about how to improve Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you do, find somebody with some time with 20 years or so pull them aside and tell them your ideas yeah don't do it publicly just pull them beside and I'll bet you they'll say keep coming back it's not a compliment but you might as well do it anyway you got no place else to go really. But I mean, to me, for people, strangers, three strangers, to come up to me individually and tell me to keep coming back was just remarkable. People who knew me weren't telling me keep coming back. My family were saying things like, hey, Doug, don't come over here, okay? Hi, it's Doug. I thought I'd come visit. You're going to be home? No? No, we're not. No, I'll leave him right now. We'll be back for a couple weeks. Where are you going? Hello? Here's an example. I got uninvited to a wedding when I was drinking. Uninvited. I don't want you to misunderstand. understand i got invited they sent me an invitation with too many envelopes like they do you know and and i and i sent them back the rsvp yeah i'm coming you know and i went and bought him a wedding present everything in a couple days before the wedding my friends bob and carol were getting married and bob calls me he said doug it's bob hey what's up he said well doug um carol and i've been talking about it and uh we'd uh we like for you to not come to the wedding. I think some people would get a resentment about that. Or at least say something like this, why is that Bob? But I didn't. I just said, all right, okay, fine. Because I knew why not. We had all been at a wedding the weekend in before. And long story short, I mooned the bride's mother. Yeah, it's considered a social faux pas in California. I didn't go there to moon the bride'S mother. I know that I wasn't driving over there thinking, you know, I'm really going to surprise them when I mooned the bride's mother, but it was, I don't know, it was an open bar and everybody was having fun and at some point my head just said, drop your pants. They're going to love that. You're the funniest guy here. And I'll tell you, when you drop your parents and you show your ass at the bride'S mother and nobody snickers. Not one little titter, you know. And these are friends of mine. These are people with good sense of humor. I know them. I like them. They like me. We laugh a lot, but not right then. Boy, you know, like, all right then, you know what? And I know that some of them laughed on the way home. They had to. They had But not right then. And, you know, people would come up to me and say, what's the matter with you, man? Doug, what'S the matter with you? You mooned the bride's mother. Sorry. I thought it was the groom's mother! Come on! Hey, come on! Come on, lighten up! What it wasn't during the ceremony was at the reception for Christ's sake and it was right then that I got the nickname Doug scusting in it and it not only based on that one incident but I think that just put me right over the edge and and that name stuck for a while and uh so you know I when Bob said don't come to the wedding was like fine you know but but that's what I'm saying that's the difference between that and keep coming back you know so I didn't have any place else to go in and but I'll tell you that first meeting some things happened besides keep coming now I don't know if you do this here they do some places and they don't some places in California they give birthday cakes for different years of sobriety and and I mean we do it in California We're so Hollywood in California. You know, they clap after everything at meetings there. I mean, somebody say, I hate this goddamn program. I hate everybody in it. I hate my sponsor. I hate the secretary. I hate reading chapter five every damn day. And I'm out of here. You know? I don't care. We just clap. And the same thing with birthdays. You know. My home group is a one-hour meeting. It meets from 7 a.m. to 8 a.м. And sometimes people we've never seen before will come in there and say, I want to take a cake for three years. We don't know. They could be drunk. But they'll come in and they'll take a kick and we'll sing happy birthday to them because we sing happy birth day and keep coming back and they blow out the candles and then they might talk for 15 minutes of a one-hour book study and then we clap! And then they leave and we never see them again. That can happen. I mean, most of the time it's not. If somebody takes a cake, it's somebody who belongs there. But I had never heard of these birthday cakes. And at this first meeting, I was being cool, leaning against the wall in the back of the room in the cool section. I wasn't going to fit, you know? So there's no sense sitting down. And they said, Ruth is celebrating 18 years tonight. And everybody clapped and cheered. And it started to sink in. she clearly was 50 if she was a day so she must be celebrating 18 years of not drinking oh my god and as that was sinking in they brought out the cake and everybody started singing happy birthday to you oh my God oh God I drank my way into Lamesville I can't believe this I'm looking around the cool section, you know, to see if I'm by myself there. I wasn't, there was a guy next to me. We're both leaning in the wall of the cool session. But Ruth got up there and she said, bloody kennel, she thanked everybody and her higher power. And she said I want you to know that over this last 18 years of sobriety, I've attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day. See, I heard somebody go, whoa. over here, that's what they did that's who they did at that meeting and I'm sitting back there in the cool section going oh my, oh God every day for 18 years you're kind of dumb ain't you you're a little slow ain't ya honey I don't know how long it's going to take me to get this thing but I know it's not going to be every day for 18 year I'm certain of that yeah because I'm a quick study I'm like a hum a few bars and I'll fake it kind of guy You know, I'm like that every day for 18 years. And I'm standing back there trying to just act like nothing. And the guy next to me nudges me. See, I thought he was cool, but he wasn't. He was a newcomer catcher. And that's what he was doing at Cool Section. And he said, he said it like this. I tell you what if you stay sober a year we'll give you one of them cakes really I'm not a big pastry eater if I wanted one I'd just like stop at Ralph's on the way home I'm going to get a six-pack anyway. It wouldn't even be out of my way. But thanks, you know, because I knew he meant well. Secretary said she held up our big book. I know that she says this not because I remember her every word from my first meeting, but because I've read the format since then. I know this is what she said. She held up this book and said, this is our big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the basic text of AlcoholicsAnonymous and the only authority on Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're new, please don't leave without this book. The price is $3.75 if you can't afford it. We will make liberal credit arrangements including nothing down and nothing weak until you get back on your feet. When she said don't live without this book, I made a mental note, steal the book. I knew I could do that. It's pretty clear you could walk up and act like you were reading it and just wander off. They already established that I was new, keep coming back, you know. But then she said that thing about, we'll loan you the money until you can get back on your feet. So I don't want anybody to think I wasn't on my feet. And so I went up and said, I'd like to get one of those books. And she said, okay, well, that's $3.75. And I gave her a $5. I said, here, keep the change. No, no, I'll get you a change. No,no, no. Keep, I'm on my fee. Yeah, now keep the change and help a drunk or something with it. I'll be fine, thanks. I took that book home. I took it home and started to read it. Actually, I poured myself a drink and sat down with the book. And I have this ability to... You know, we all have our gifts. I have an ability to look at the title of a chapter in any book and know everything that's in the chapter. It's a gift that I have. So I started thumbing through this book, and I got Doctor's Opinion. Yeah, like I never had one of those. Boy, you ought to not drink so much. Okay, I know what's in there. And then I got to Chapter 1, Bill's story. Who gives a shit? So, Bill's story. Bill's story. Next, there's a solution. Okay, that's a sales pitch. I recognize that. Next, more about alcoholism. Yeah, I can hardly wait. Chapter four, we agnostics. Oh, okay, here it is. Because I thought when I got to AA and I heard all this, see, I thought my grandmother was a Pentecostal minister. She ran a skid row mission on Beacon Street Street in San Pedro, California. It's a nasty little wharfy part of San Pedro where all the drunks and winos hang out. My grandmother's mission was down there, and she used to help drunks to get sober feeding them soup and Jesus. So I knew you could get sober on soup and Jesus. I'd seen it done. And I thought that AA was, it just never seemed worth it, you know? And I, I thought AA was the secular way to get sober, the way the smart people got sober without God. And so when I actually went to a meeting and everybody was talking talking about my higher power and a power greater than yourself. I saw those steps that I've heard about the 12 steps forever, never heard one of them read anywhere or anybody say what any of them were. Power greater than yourself. God, as we understood him. I thought, oh man, oh, I'm lost now. I'm dead because I didn't believe in God. I had way too much education in LSD to believe anything like that. You know, a friend of mine who was... I was a wild hippie in the 60s and a friend who was also a wild hippie said to me one time recently, you know, we rebelled against organized religion but we re-belled against our parents' religions, Protestantism, Catholicism, Judaism. But we had our own spirituality. We had Nam-Yaho-Renge-Kyo. We had astrology. You know, we had Ome Padne Om. We had the American Indian concept of the great spirit. I said, no, I was openly hostile to all that crap. You know? I didn't like any of it. I don't want anything to do with anything mystical. No thank you. I'm way too bright for that. You know. And so it was hard for me. So when I came in and I thought, oh, okay, here it is. Chapter 4. We agnostics. here's how the smart people stay sober without God so I started reading that chapter I read chapter 4 and I got to the end of chapter 4 and I thought, I'm going to sit spaced out I totally missed the whole stay sober without God thing and so I poured another drink and read it again and got through it again what is wrong with me it's not that I didn't comprehend when I was reading it didn't say what I wanted it, so I ignored it and read on. And I must have read that about a half a dozen times at night. And a little bit of it stuck. A little bit of it struck. One part, the first part that stuck, I think was a sentence that I think most of us ignore. It's not, it doesn't seem profound when you first read it. And it says, we have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him. And after all, I read that a few times, that that we have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him. Not we suspect, not we think maybe this is one of the things that way it might be that maybe God doesn t I don t know but you know doesn t have hard terms they say he does. They said we have found that God doesn t make too hard turns on those who seek them. That s been our experience evidently. That s not what they told me in my grandmother's church. My grandmother's church they said if you re not baptized God won t even listen to your prayers. Now what I m talking about is my my alcoholic perception of what I heard in organized religion. I'm not in a position to speak for any organized religion, and nobody's ever asked me to, and I don't know if I would have accepted they did, but now, I happen to be the leading authority on my alcoholic opinion of organized religion and it seemed to me that in my grandmother's church they said God won't hear your prayers unless you're baptized. And I'm talking about sprinkled like some damn Methodist. I'm talking about soaked, I'm talking about dumped in the blood of a lamb coming up going yes I believe and so but then I had Protestant friends who said no no no that's just your grandma's church you know that's a dumb hokey Christianity you can just be sprinkled and then God will hear your prayers and what is this water thing what does that have to do with God hearing your prayers Then I had a Catholic girlfriend who had to go to confession and communion before God would hear her prayers. And God still wouldn't hear her parents. She had to talk to his mom, you know? It's like, hello, is God there? Hi, Mrs. God. No, it's Judy. Just tell him I love him. Okay, bye. That's the way it seemed to me. And I had Jewish friend who would order a BLT, hold the bacon. Excuse me! That's a salad! Mark, why can't you eat bacon? Well, I want God to hear my prayers. This is the same God that said, go burn your son Isaac, and he'd get him all tired. He said, no, I'm just kidding. No, don't burn him. I'm not going to do it. I'm playing, you know. So it just all seemed like a bunch of fairy tales to me. i don't want anything to do with it but here's aa saying we have found that god doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him didn't make me ready at the time i certainly didn't have any epiphany but it opened the door a little bit and then i remember reading a sentence that was written about me before i was born said to be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live life on a spiritual basis not an easy decision for us 800 alcoholics in here going try this at a PTA meeting sometime to be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live life on a spiritual basis not an easy decision think about that the normies don't have a problem with that decision they really don't, it's just a no brainer and you can test this one, don't take my word for it get yourself a clipboard go stand in front of a Walmart stop people when they're coming out hi, excuse me can I talk to you a minute I'm taking a survey would you rather die an alcoholic death or live a spiritual life what kind of question is that normies go huh like why would you ask that question you know the very very curious will say now when you say alcoholic death you're talking about where you your liver is gets extended and you puff up and turn yellow and choke to death on your own blood and vomit well yeah put it that that way. Yeah, but first you have to lose everything. You know, it's not like overnight. Yeah, no, that ain't quick. You Know, what do you think? Well, I'll take that spiritual deal. You Now, they'll go get in the long line. They don't care. You Know, it' s like, they don't Care. Maybe they'll have to sell flowers at the airport. That's fine. It's worth it. But to us, see, you'll know if you do this survey and you get an an alcoholic if you go excuse me alcoholic death spiritual life and you get this back you uh are you going to be here tomorrow when i came to aa i knew i wasn't going to fit fit. I knew I wasn't going to fit, and it's the only place I ever fit in my life. And I had good reason. I never fit anyplace in my life, ever. I was used to not fitting at 42 years old. In high school, I played football. I was a good football player, but I wasn�t a jock, and I knew I wasn �t a jock, and the jocks knew I wasn � t a jocks, so I didn�t fit. And I loved to surf. I had a surfboard, and I loved to go to the beach and surf, but I wasn't a surfer and I knew it. The surfers knew it, you know what I'm saying? I love motorcycles. I love to build motorcycles and ride motorcycles. I did it since I was 15 years old, but I was not a biker. I knew It. The bikers knew It like I won the popular vote but I lost the electoral, you know What I'm Saying? It wasn't that they didn't like me, I just didn't fit in and so I was used to not fitting and so, you know, so I had that going for me Plus, we come in here looking for ways not to fit. And so I found them. You know, I found my ways not the fit. I heard a lot of people say... In fact, most of the speakers, all the speakers that I heard today, the AA speakers, you know, Carl and Mike and Phil, all said they came from alcoholic families and started drinking young. Now see, I didn't do either one of those things and I heard that a lot in AA. Oh, my uncle's an alcoholic, my father's an alcoholic, I don't come from an alcoholic family my dad is the kind of guy who'd drink a six buy a six pack of beer and drink one and put five in the fridge you know and forget to there I got nothing against refrigerators I just don't think it should get five and I should get one that's dumb to me and my dad would be doing something on a Saturday afternoon he'd be watching a football game or working on the car working in the yard and he'd stop have a cold beer and then go back to what he was doing I don't understand that kind of drinking if I have a beer that's what I'm doing and whatever I was doing before couldn't have been so important why would I stop to have a bear I never understood the way my dad drank and he never understood the way I drank we just weren't the same and my mom actually my mother may be an alcoholic it's hard to tell she won't drink you know and when they won't drink you can't tell and I have watched her you know because I'm interested in this genetic predisposition thing and and I I watch you know when I sometimes I'll see like a little character defect or something but she won't break and so one time I asked her after I was sober hey why don't you drink are you an alcoholic and she said I don't know maybe she said I might be an alcoholic because, you know, it wouldn't surprise me because when I was young, I used to drink, you know, when I wasn't in school. And every time I drank, I got sick, stupid and obnoxious, so I just quit. Isn't that cute? I said, you've got to drink through that, Mom. You know, that's... Yeah, yeah, you see, this is where I wasn' t going to fit. she doesn't have the tenacity to make this program I have a couple of sisters one of them lives in Kansas and one of him lives in Southern California my wife my wife is an alcoholic that's it that's something that that I do have in common with all the speakers this weekend is that we've all married alcoholics either we met in the program and with the exception of Phil all All of us have married women who are sober longer than us. And, of course, you know, Phil calls them tarps, so what does he know? Do you call your wife a tarp? Isn't it nice to have somebody to pick on, you now? If you didn't hear Phil's talk today, it was a great spiritual message. And it was a wonderful talk about continuing to grow up in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But he won't be remembered for that. He'll be remembered saying TARPS. Okay, there's a serious message. Brian Hernandez has a serious message for you outside sure was I saying anything important before I wasn't talking about I was talking about all of us having wives that we met in Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous. And mine, I met when I was 23 days sober. And I had met her before that. Because my first eight months in Alcoholics Anonymous, I drank every day. And so I had a list of 13 steps I was going to get into once I got sober. I didn't want to ask anybody out while I was still drinking because they'd smell whiskey on my breath and rat me out to the group. And then I got kicked out of AA. But by the time I got silver, I kind of knew Randy, she knew me and I was 23 days sober. She was over two and a half years and she 13 stepped me. And she was like I said she was on my list anyway so it wasn't that she was right at the top of the list so it's cool with me. I didn't know it turned out it was like God saying tell you what you might be some use around here if you're not chasing skirts all the time how about if I gave you the best one right out the gate? Sounds like a good deal huh? But then what almost 15 years later I kind of wish I had started at the bottom of the the list and work my way up. I mean, what difference would it have made? Nobody ever finds that as amusing as I do, except Randy. But Randy was two and a half years sober when we started going out. She was a tremendous help to me. She taught me how to ask questions. I am not a question asker. I hate to ask question because if you ask a question, it sounds like you don't know something, you know. And we're just not like that. I'm not wired that way. I like to hang out with the people who I think know the answer and wait till somebody else asks a question. And then when the answer comes up I go that's right. But Randy and I were in bed one night and I had my leg over on her side of the bed and she grabbed it like a log, you know, and threw it. Get over on your own side of bed! Geez, you sleep like Jim parks he said so I'm laying there thinking Jim parks do I know a Jim parks why did you say that what but she trying to get me pissed off I mean that and I'm later working on his resentment and then and I I realized if I don't say say something, I'm going to wear it for a few days until she says something like, honey, do you know your shoes are in the living room? I go, shoes my ass. Who's Jim Parks? So I don't need that. I don'T even need to call my sponsor on this one. I said, honey... I'm sorry. Am I supposed to know who Jim Parks is and how he sleeps? And she starts laughing at me, cackling. and she says Jim across the street said Jim across the street yeah you know how he puts his truck so you can't park in front of him or behind him you sleep like Jim Parks see so it's good to ask questions you can learn some stuff asking questions questions. But Randy and I, this is where I started to go with this. Randy and I went to my sister's house for dinner. My sister's not an alcoholic. She drinks and she's not a alcoholic. And there's five of us for dinner, she makes a pitcher of margaritas and she sets out three glasses and she pours them one two two, three, and the rest of it goes right in the sink like a fourth glass. Right in the sink. And Randy and I both went, Ha! My sister said, what? I said, What did you pour that in the sink for? She said, Well, you care. You're not going to drink. I said it's it's not about drinking. It's about respect. And see, you know what I'm talking about. You know what I was talking about. She said I bet you got defensive. I don't know. Maybe I want I want to use the blender again. I said, it's a $40 item. You know, you could have two blenders. It wouldn't kill you. But they don't think about alcohol the same way that we do. My other sister lives in Kansas and I was visiting her when I was about five years sober. I actually went to Wichita to make some amends to her. And the only amends I had to make to her was to be her friend and play with her kids and go to church with her, get my car and come back to California. and we've been friends since but while I was there you know I was going to meetings in Wichita and we started talking about alcoholism and I said Yvonne do you ever drink I mean do you go out with your friends because I've never seen her drink you go up with your friend and have a cocktail or anything ever and she said well yeah she said I'll have a glass of wine you know at midnight on New Years I said really what every New Years you know you got to watch it they call that pattern drinking you know You know, it's like, I'm just playing and she doesn't get it. She said, well, not every New Year's. Why would you skip a year? She said. Well, I always mean to, but, you know, it's New Year. I mean, the kids are making noises. Guns are going off. The dogs are barking. Sometimes I just forget. There's the difference, isn't there? sometimes I forget to drink my wine words you will never hear anyone in this room say I'm sorry, I forgot to drink my wine if I could have a glass of wine and maybe I could because I never had a problem with wine I was a whiskey drinker I loved wine I love red wine, white wine, heroin wine I just you know and I didn't seem to have a problem with it so if I can have a glass of wine at midnight on New Year's and only then and I was stupid enough to accept those terms I wouldn't forget no no not me I would be shopping wine this time of year I'd be sitting at the Thanksgiving table sharpening the the corkscrew. I'd be watching the Rose Bowl game going 364 days. It's good that a friend of mine says if I could drink like a normal person, I'd be drunk all the time. That's who I am. This is where I fit, the place I wasn't going to fit. So I heard everybody talking about alcoholic families and I clearly didn't come from an alcoholic family. And I heard people say I started drinking when I was 13 that's what mike said i think didn't you say 13 years old carl how old were you when you started drinking eight yeah see see you guys no wonder you're alcoholics god we started so young you know jeez uh i never had a drink till i was 18 and uh and the reason probably was because i saw those drunks at my grandmother's mission and i didn't want to i saw what alcohol had done to their lives it didn't have any interest to me and you know people basically didn't drink in in my family anyway. And so I just didn't drink and I didn't care to drink. My friends drank with me, drank in high school and I would party with them but I didn' t drink and maybe I wouldn' t have except that my friend Morris who was sort of my sexual sponsor said I had a girlfriend and he said you know if you want to get a home run with this girl you' re going to have to get her drunk and they probably don' t do it anymore but when I was in school it was like all these baseball terms we get to first base and second base and third base and then of course is home run. And I don't even remember where the bases are now, but I'm married. You know, it's like step up to the plate and slide home. And there's not enough bases anyway. There's not like three bases, you know, who cares? But I remember the home run deal and I did want to get this home run thing. And so I went and stole a quart of Rainier Ale, which which was the National Beverage of Garden Grove where I grew up. And this girl and I went out, and we went and parked where we had parked a number of times before. But this time I had my ammunition. I had this quarter Rainier Ale. And I still didn't care about drinking. I would have been happy to say, here, drink this. Let me know when you're ready. Yeah, we won't party tonight. But it just seemed kind of rude. So what I did was I opened it and drank some, and then I handed it to her, and she drank some. We passed it back and forth until it was gone. and, you know, I'm not going to stand up at an AA convention and say, half-quarter Rainier Ale will take you downtown, you know. It's a big deal. But I'll tell you what, if you're 18 years old and you never tasted alcohol before, half a quarter Rainier Ale works. And it works. And my friend Morris was right. It turned out that wasn't the night I had the first time I ever had sex in front of a witness. this and uh so so i changed my life changed my i said i'm going to do both of these things as much as i can the rest of my life see it's a so that's how i started drinking and i just liked it i like everything about it and uh i don't know why i waited so long for that you see but here's the deal came into aa everybody's saying well i come from an alcoholic family well i don t i started drinking when i was young well i didn't no wonder you're an alcoholic you come you got some kind of genetic predisposition and you started too young i was virtually a man when i started drinking you know so i'm not i'm some other kind of alcoholic you're probably the kind that has to stop drinking forever i'm something other kind you know that just has to slow down or something and uh so i I was coming to AA. Now, the first eight months in AA, I didn't have a sponsor. I didn' t take the steps. I didn''t read the book except for chapter four and I was drinking every day but other than that I had a pretty good program going and you know, I'm lucky. I really want to make it clear that I'm not recommending this This is a program of recovery. In California, they give chips, and I know they do other places. Maybe they do here for various parts of a year of sobriety. They give a chip at 30 days and 60 days and 90 days and 6 months and 9 months to kind of help you along. And so I was going to AA, and they would say, Is there anybody here with less than 30 days? And I'd raise Doug alcoholic. Anybody in their first 30 days recovered? Doug alcoholic! Anybody with 30 days or less? Doug alcoholic, Doug alcoholic... I finally got so tired of it. One day I was sitting at the San Fernando group after about six or eight weeks of doing that all the time and they said, anybody with less than 30 days? And I went, screw them. None of their business. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. I ain't raising my damn hand. I sat there and the girl down at the end of the table turned to her friend and said, Doug's got 30 days. And I heard it and I said, I didn't mean to deceive anybody. I was just upset. I was changing my program a little bit, but I realized that I had deceived her accident and I said, I hate to deceive people. For instance, when my ex-wife asked me one time, did you sleep with my sister? I said not a wink. I try to be honest if I can and not that rigorous honesty the book talks about, but you know, I do the best I I can. And so this gal thought that I had 30 days and I don't want to embarrass her. So I got up and took a 30 day chip. And boy, those alcoholics were so happy. They were just thrilled about my 30 days, you know? So now I got us on. I thought that's great. I was driving home from that meeting going, I made those people so happy I'm going to go take a chip tomorrow morning someplace. And so now I've got a sobriety date, 30 days before my first bogus chip. And I started taking chips, and then somebody would smell me somewhere, and I'd have to start over, but only at the group where they smelled me. And then I thought somebody saw me drinking one time, and I started over at that group. And by the time I got sober, I had four different sobriety dates at four different groups. And it's not a good thing to do, boy, if you have a couple of drinks and try to remember what your sobriery date at the Burbank group, you know. It's like, oh, my gosh. And so anyway, so I'm setting up the Doug program. And after eight months of this, I was home one time. I came home from a meeting and bought a bottle of whiskey on the way home. I was drinking in my living room and I passed out on the floor and I woke up about 3 a.m. This has happened all the time. Wake up at 3 a。m., half a bottle OF whiskey, the TV's on. Turn off the TV, get the bottle, crawl on my hands and knees across the living room through the hallway into my bedroom to go to bed. This is the way I went to bed some people call that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, I just call it going to bed you know because in fact I thought it was kind of bright he said hey you can't fall off the floor so I got into my bedroom and I had this bottle in my hand and I stood up to take my clothes off to goto bed and I lost my balance and I fell on my knees and spilled this whiskey all over the bed and i picked up the bottle real quick and I looked there was about this much left in it but most of it was in the bedspread and it was soaking out too so I set the bottle in a safe place and I grabbed that bedspred and I started sucking it for all I was worth sucking all this whiskey out of it a little voice in my head said hey man that ain't right thirsty dude there's whiskey in the bottle you know and I and I it's not I'm not thirsty so much it's just frugal and I saw myself sucking this whiskey out of the bedspread and it looked like some kind of animal to me and I never felt more lost in my life really I don't think I've ever felt more lost I thought yeah I've been going to AA for eight months and I have not learned how to not not suck whiskey out of a bedspread. And I said the dumbest thing I ever said in my life. I said, God, if you're there, please help me. I meant it. I meant It. I didn't think anybody was listening. It was a prayer of desperation. I didn' t know what else to do. And I'm sure it was because I've heard hundreds of people say it since then. That was a turning point in their lives, a turning points in their society to say god help me god please help me please god help me it's almost always the same bill wilson said god if there be a god reveal yourself to me now you know and what i said was god if you're there please help him i didn't have any epiphany there on my knees in my bedroom i got up and i went to bed and i went to sleep and the next day i went to work and over the next couple of weeks interesting things happened i'd go in my favorite liquor store that could only have been one of three people behind the counter of that liquor store i knew all of them they knew me i could I'd walk in and lay a $5 bill on the table and they'd give me a half pint of Bushmills and my change. If I laid a 10 down, they'd say half or full, you know? And I walked into this liquor store the next day and there's a guy from AA behind the counter. I said, what are you doing here? He said, what are YOU doing here?" Okay? So I got some cigarettes and I went down the street and got my bottle. Later on, I'm in a Mexican restaurant in an area of town I've never been and I start to order a margarita and I look up and the waitress is somebody I know from AA. I'm pushing my shopping cart through the supermarket in the liquor department. I reach up for a bottle somebody from AA is pushing a cart towards me. Hey, one day at a time keep it simple. Isn't it a beautiful life? This was happening to me every day. AA people were doing this so one day after it happened for a couple of weeks I was on the way to work 6.30 in the morning I just killed a half pint of whiskey and I don't keep empty bottles in the car because they're illegal and they're useless. And so I roll down the window and there's a guy from AA driving towards me. He sees me and he waves and I throw a bottle out the window. What's going on? What the heck is going on here? Where are these AAs coming from? They're like cockroaches. They're everywhere. everywhere. It's like those miracles they talk about in meetings. The moment the word miracle came into my mind, it was like I could hear God laughing. You want some help? Oh Oh my gosh, you know, I get it. And I got it. I got him. It was the moment that I came to believe. It was my second step. I didn't know that at the time. That was the epiphany. That was a time, the moment, that I said, to believe was right after I thought the word miracle and I thought I heard God laughing. Because I'll tell you something about me. The human quality I have always admired the most, right or wrong, I think it's wrong, is a sense of humor. It's okay, but maybe love and compassion would be better, you know? Or a good work ethic, you know. Honesty and integrity, I don't know. But with me, it's always been a sense of humor. And God knows that about me. That's the way I'm wired, you know. That's my gift or my curse. So I asked for help and I got these little pain in the ass God jokes. And God laughing at my miracles. It was the beginning of my sobriety. And I've come to rely on this power. Come to rely upon this power greater than myself, you now. Every morning I wake up, here's my spiritual program in the morning. I roll out of bed on my knees and I say what I learned at the 11th step. Thanks for another day. Help me to see your will for me and give me the power to carry it out. Amen. A friend of mine says, he says, don't let my mouth get us into anything you can't get us out of. And that's implied there. So I started hearing the music of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll tell you what I mean by the music. The lyrics can be real confusing. When you're new and you're hearing things like, you've got to surrender to wind, you know. Oh, yeah, you have to give it away to keep it. I know what that is. That means put some money in the basket, you know, give it a way to keep It. My God. You know, I heard somebody say, the road gets narrower. I said to this friend of mine, is that a good thing about the road getting narrower? You know. It's like, I've done a lot of this one-eyed driving and it seems like it could be really inconvenient. I don't know how spiritual that is. No, no, he said, you know what? Here's what I think they're talking about with that road gets narrower thing is that people, you Know, like when I was new, I used to smoke and he said I'd be driving along the street and I just throw my cigarette out the window and one day I thought, man, I could start a fire. I could started a fire throwing a cigarette out the window so I quit doing that. Started putting them out in the ashtray and then throwing them out the windows and he says, eventually I thought I thought, geez, I'm littering. I don't have to litter. I've got an ashtray and a litter bag, you know. And so I quit littering, and eventually I quit smoking. And he said, I think that's what it means. So now I know what something means. You know, I go on the road and tell everybody, well, the road gets narrower. I heard a guy talk. He wasn't talking to me. He was talking to his babies, his sponsees, you knows. And he says, I'll tell you, the women in Alcoholics Anonymous are gorgeous. They're beautiful. The most beautiful women in the world. They're funny. They're bright. They're beautiful. They're happy, but I don't play. I don' t play. I'm a married man. And I said, the road gets narrower. And he said, see, he treated me like an eavesdropper. You know? He said, what? So, you know, beautiful women, married guy, the road get narrower. Where do you get that? Is it in the book? I didn't, but it just, I've seen people get away with a lot of shit, you know. I got it out of the book and so I just went for it. And he said, now that's interesting because I got a book and it doesn't say anything about the road getting narrower. In fact, in my book it says, won't you come and join us on the broad highway? In fact in my books it says you're going to feel like you're walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe, guess where, on the Broad Highway. I'm saying nothing about a road getting narrower. So I was just trying to help, okay? So then I found out you could read that book and you wouldn't misquote it. But people misquoteed. People misquoted. I heard rigorous honesty. You know, I heard vigorous honesty so much and I thought when I got sober, I don't know if I can be honest enough to stay sober, but I have to be rigorously honest. And I'll tell you what, I'm 14 years sober, and sometimes I lie. I only do it when I'm divinely directed. No, at 14 years, you can tell. Like if my wife says to me, honey, does this dress make me look fat? Rigorous honesty. No, baby, I think it's the Haagen-Dazs. Yeah, because the dress looked fine on the hanger. You know, but if you're worried about it, let's go try it on this skinny chick next door. If it makes her look fat, then it's the dress. See, that's rigorous stupidity. I don't need to do that. I lie to waiters all the time. Waiters say to me, and they will say it to you if they haven't already. Sir, would you like a cocktail before dinner? and I just lie I say no thank you rigorous honesty boy you know what yeah I would I'd like a double Bushmills neat and a margarita bag keep them coming I got a pocket full of plastic but don't do it I got to disease it's a mental obsession coupled with a physical allergy and spiritual bankruptcy you don't want that in your nice restaurant do you so I lie to the waiter and that's ok, it's alright to lie to a waiter it's convenient for me and him that's what I'm talking about about the music and the lyrics when you start to hear the music the lyrics make sense when I took my first honest 30 day chip I was at the Burbank group on a Thursday night and they give chips and cakes and I got up with 30 days and I said my name's Doug and I'm an alcoholic hi Doug and I took my chip and I sat down other people got up and I I earned that chip I had 30 days you see the difference I had enough chips to open a casino but I felt like a member of Alcoholics Anonymous because I had not drank in 30 days and I had my 30 day chip and people took 60s and 90s and 6 months and 9 months in cakes and I was just as happy about seeing somebody I didn't much care for take a 9 month chip as I was about my own 30 day chip that's not me but I was part of Alcoholics Anonymous and at the coffee break we have coffee breaks in Southern California meetings because, I don't know you can't drink at the table or something I don' t know why they have them but they do I went to get my coffee and a guy stopped me and he said said, congratulations on your 30 days. And I said, thanks. And he said, you know what the secret is? I said no, don't drink, I guess. He said, just hang on. He said, Just hang on, that's the whole deal here. And I thought, I can do that. That's so simple. And I thanked him and I started to walk on. I felt like I had the secret handshake, you know. And this guy, there's a guy in Burbank named Jim B. He's one of these glad-handed back slapping an alcoholic. You got them everywhere, you know. Son, congratulations on that 30 days. I said, thank you. And he said, you don't know what the secret is? I said yes sir, hang on. And he said no, let go. I don't care. I already started hearing the music. You know what I'm saying? I understand the lyrics. I understand. It doesn't matter if the experts don't agree on what the secret is if they're diametrically opposed. I heard the music. The lyrics don't bother me anymore. The guy who said, hang on, he's talking about keep coming back, stay close. The guy that said let go is talking about let go and let God. It's okay. So you got to hear that music to have the lyrics make sense sometimes. When I started listening to people who had read that book so I wouldn't fall into the road gets narrower thing again. And a woman said, A woman said, and I thought everybody over 90 days had the book memorized. So this woman said our book says I'm all ears. Our book says that our drinking was but a symptom of deeper underlying causes and conditions. It does. It says exactly that. But then she added her own stuff. She said if you don't find your deeper underlying cause and condition you will drink again. Oh no. I don't know what my deeper underlying cause and condition is. I haven't got a clue. You know, I came from this great family that didn't drink. They were loving, hardworking people. My mom and dad couldn't do enough for their kids. They lived for their children. I didn't have a bad childhood. It was long. It was 42 years, you know, but it wasn't bad. You wouldn't call it bad. And I don' t know. I thought maybe I'll drink again. And I remember when I was 24 years old, I auditioned for a show called Hair. And I remembered when I went to audition, I called, I went to see this show called hair and it was like hippies singing and dancing and love and peace and rock and roll and, and sex and drugs. And I thought, this is great. I can do this. And so I, I called them up the next day. I said, I want to audition for your show. and they said fine. See, they should have said, please have your agent contact us and we'll get back with you. They said, fine, come in Monday or Friday rather at one o'clock. Okay. So Friday morning I'm practicing the song I'm going to sing out. I got my guitar out and I'm thinking I got to sing this song so good that they won't want me to see me dance because I don't know how to dance, you know, but I mean, I'm a loving dancer, you know? And, uh, but, but if I sing good enough, maybe they won'T care. You know, I can, and so I'm practising and I broke a string on my guitar and hippies were like, oh, bad karma, dude. So I went into my roommate's room who also played guitar to see if he had the string I needed and laying in the middle of his dresser was a little envelope. The D string, the one I needed. And I said, ah, good karma, Dude. And underneath the envelope there was a white capsule and I thought, I wonder what that is. Nope. Because we didn't have a PDR, you pretty much had to swallow test everything. Have you tried that white stuff? Yeah! Don't eat the green shit, you know, it'll kill somebody. And so it turned out it was a THC, a synthetic marijuana and a nice little psychedelic. So about 45 minutes later when I got down to the Aquarius Theater to walk in to do my audition, and I floated in there, just floated. Could do no wrong, you know? But like a puppet on a string, my hair was long over my shoulders and it just swooshed when I walked and I had these hip-hugger bell-bottom pants on, bells about this big. I was 40 pounds younger too and I was in the middle of the night and I'm in the back of the car and I have a vest with six layers of foot-long red, white, and blue leather fringe. I was a walking wind chime. And I walked in there and they called my name and I went up on the stage and I handed the music to the piano player and he started to play. Bum, bum, bum. I said, wow, I feel good. And there's your rigorous honesty. Yeah, I felt very good. And I did that James Brown song and I knew I could do no wrong. And I could see them nudging each other, the people who were judging me. This kid sings, you know, I could say it. I could feel it. got done and they said great can you sing something a little mellower a little lower key too sure so I did Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay spur of the moment acapella made myself cry slow man yes and they say great we just want to see you dance so I said hit it and the piano player started to hit it and I started to move and I'm seeing my hair come around Yeah, and the fringe on his vest. And I heard somebody say, Jesus, can he dance? So I got the job. Yeah, I got to lead role. I got to go to Las Vegas and play the lead role in hair six months And then we took that show on the road We went across the United States and Canada touring that show We open in a new city every week or every other week and you know, and they put us on TV in some little, you know East Somewhere Pittsburgh. Hey, it's good morning, Pittsburgh. We got to cast a hair with us today too big it you know Hey, its AM Cincinnati. Come on. We have to cast of here with us Today, you're not so we were all like a big deal but I looked at people come up on the stage afterwards with tears in their eyes and say, I love you man, have some pot brother send some me in as Maui Waui as Panama Red great thanks, and somebody would come up and say you're great man, here have some acid brother it's Osley, it's Purple Haze, it' s Orange Sunshine, it''s Windowpane oh great, some girl would come over and say I love yo, have me, okay so it was a pretty good job really really. But I look back at that experience and I thought, that's what happened. I just wanted to sing and dance and I ended up being a drug addict and an alcoholic, you know, and I called my sponsor and said, I found it. He said, what did you find? My deeper underlying cause and condition. Oh, let's hear that. You know how they do. I said, here Hair. Hair. Why don't we just cut your hair? It won't be a problem. No, I'm talking about, you remember that show I told you I was a big star and everything and traveled around the country? Oh, hair! He said, you told me you were loaded when you auditioned for that show. See, I told him too much. He said you told him you were loaded when you audited for that show i said yeah that's right and he said let me tell you that most people non-alcoholic types when they want to interview for a job they really want usually won't take a drug they can't identify you know they have a way of putting stuff like that you know so there's really no argument i said yet then i don't know what my deeper underlying causing condition is he said neither do i i don' t know what mine is don't worry about it i say you don't think i'll drink again no now if you want to look for it fine i'll give give you something to do between meetings. Meanwhile, go to a meeting tomorrow, call me tomorrow, read that book tomorrow. Can you do those three things? Yes. You know, he used to say about reading the book, if you can't read a chapter, read a page. If you can' t read a page, read paragraph. You got the rest of your life to recover. It's good advice for me. I don't know if it's the best advice for everybody, but it was great advice for me.I'm still reading that book and I intend to keep reading the a book. I intend to keep doing all the stuff that I do because my life is beautiful. My life is gorgeous. I have a daughter. I went to my daughter's house. My daughter lived with her mom and her stepfather, and I was welcome in that house. I would go over to her house, and sometimes I'd be drunk. When she was a teenager, her stepmother took me outside he said doug don't misunderstand this you're welcome in our home anytime don't come over here drunk anymore it's hard on star when you do that my daughter and i left that house and i thought god this man cares more about my daughter than i do i don't i thought i had a choice you know and i started to cry i started crying so hard i couldn't drive my car i pulled into a parking lot unfortunately was the parking lot of a liquor store so i But I went in and I got a half pint of whiskey and I started drinking, and I could drive. See, non-alcoholics, when they hear me say this, go, wait a minute, you were so distraught over your drinking that you drank? And then you were able to drive your car? Yeah. It's only in places like this that you understand that. I don't have to explain it here. And I can't explain it anyplace else. that little girl now is 30 years old and she's got a wonderful job in Santa Barbara she married to a great, great guy and she got a three year old son he's my grandson and he calls me Pappy Beverly and I are happy and pappy and I just have a wonderful life when I was two years sober I said to my father I owe you some money I had borrowed money from my dad and uh and never got around to paying him back and and i didn't know how much i owed him but i figured it was two or three grand and when i was two years sober i said to my dad look i owe you some money and i want to pay you back and my dad said don't worry about it he said you know what i don't need that money i don t even want it i look at your life and i couldn't want anything better for you than what you've got now this is a two years over and i said well that's fine for you but we have this step this ninth step that says i have to make amends for for harms that I didn't. I think borrowing money and not paying it back is a harm, so I need to do that or I may not stay sober." And he said, okay well then if you want to pay me back, pay me me back. I said, you know how much it is? He said, no but I got it in the computer. I don't need it, I don' want it, I just like to look at it once in a while, you know what I mean? So he sent me an itemized statement of everything I borrowed and everything I paid back and I started sending my dad a check every Friday. Every Friday without fail, I'd send him a check. Whatever I could afford, 20, 30 bucks, 50, 100. Whatever I can afford and a note because this is not Wells Fargo. This is my dad. I sent him a note and a check every Friday and after about three years he called me and told me that I owed him $32. I hadn't been keeping track and I was amazed. We went and had dinner and I gave him his $32 and he gave me a little close-out notice. to say. And you know what else happened? My dad, every time I ate with my dad, he'd grab the check. I said, let me get the check, Dad. No, no, I'll get it. That's a dad's job. He'd say, come on, let Me buy dinner, you know. I'm a grown man. Well, I didn't realize my dad thought that was a father's job, to buy dinner for his children. That' s just the way he was. What I was doing was saying, without knowing it, I owe you all this money. at least let me pay for dinner. I didn't know that. But once that debt was paid off, I never paid enough for another meal. I ate with my dad a lot of times too. Anything I wanted to eat. And we were clean. He died a few years ago and I was going through some of his stuff with my mom and looking for some financial records and I found a file that said Doug and I pulled it out and what it was was all these notes that I had written. like 150 notes little scraps of paper post-its you know I knew what they were immediately but I didn't know he saved him and I said to my my mother did you know he's saved all these notes she said yeah so he's out of those notes cherished him she said in fact one time I said to him you know Doug sure loves you and he said oh I know I got it in his own handwriting God god loves me so much that as a result of doing the ninth step he gave me a gift back from it we get more than we deserve in here you know there are people who live their lives the way that we learn to live our lives to save our lives they live a spiritual life because that's what they think they're supposed to do and we do it just to keep from dying and we get so much, we get so much. On top of everything else we get the music of Alcoholics Anonymous if you're new tonight please stay and you will hear the music and if you've had a laugh with us tonight you've been part of the music thanks for letting me share with you Thank you.