Shrinking the Ego and Growing Higher Power – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 7 of 25 – Rico C.

Welcome newcomers. My name is Rico Cruz. I'm a grateful, recovered alcoholic. Blessed to be here by the grace of a very loving and caring God who's kept me clean and sober in spite of myself. I am also grateful for the men and women that I met in these rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous who thankfully cared about me till I learned how to care about myself. And that included in sobriety too. I said I cared but acted like I didn't. When you told me the truth about me and my actions i got pissed off i was given i didn't choose but i was given by my loved one titi a topic of god's inspiration or intuitive thought or an intuitive thought and uh i kind of smiled because it's a great topic for me because i'm gonna know no god baby so uh let me take you back just a little bit so you can understand in my life what the intuitiveness and the god inspiration means. I'm going to take you back to where I started just a little bit before I met you. I was running over the streets of Spanish Harlem in New York, decided to come to California for a brighter day. I'll take you further back than that quickly in my childhood I have four sisters no brothers so it was always a girl's way around my house i have two loving parents who raised me and were always together while i was still there we were very poor but we had a lot of love in our life didn't have money didn't know things didn't have stuff and all the kids on the block wouldn't always hang out at the cruiser's house because as soon as you get off the elevator you can smell the food you can hear the music the big guys and girls were drinking and we were dancing ever since i was five years old my first traumatic experience was at five years old my security blanket was always my grandmother whenever i didn't get from my mother and father i'd go to my grandmother and she'd always console me if she couldn't give it to me the longest day of my life was the walk i had to go to kindergarten and i was used to being home with my grandmother and we took this walk she said come on little poppy let's go come on papi i said grandma i I don't want to go to school. And I was crying like a little baby that I was, mostly undeveloped. I didn't want it to go. And there was a long walk to that bus stop and I kept pulling on the dress saying, I don' wanna go, I don''t wanna go. Mommy, I wanna go! And she got me there. When I got there, she said, I'll be here when you come back. I looked on the bus and all these kids were in there laughing and playing and having fun. And I got on the bus, and they had in their eyes what you had in your eyes when you met me. They had that welcoming spirit, and they were welcoming into the big fun. And I looked at them, and I gave them the look. And the look was, leave me alone or I'll hurt you. And they left me alone. And I rode all the way to school looking out that window. We got in school, all the kids were laughing and playing games and doing this, we get in the classroom and the teacher's talking and the only thing i knew what to do was look out that window i want to let you know that i looked out that window from that time in kindergarten five years old until i walked into alcoholics anonymous and met you no matter where i was how fine my clothes was how far my girl was whatever kind of tennis I had, whatever I had which was good I always looked out the window for something else and I lost a lot of good relationships because I always look out the window. Once you were mine I'm looking out the windows and I lived like that for a long time The other fiber I want to tell you about before we move on is that fear has been a fiber of my entire life From the time my grandmother had me get on that bus until the time I met you. Fear was the fabric that I lived by but the key was you guys told me about illusions and delusions. No one knew I was afraid of anything and I was afraid of everything that moved, but if you asked anybody around me they'll tell you don't mess with that boat equal he cut you. We didn't carry guns in those days we carried straight razors and we sliced a man up quick fast and in a hurry. But what they didn't know was I was afraid of everybody that moved, and the reason I carried that switchblade is so nobody would mess with me. I go to school, I'm looking out the window. I go into junior high school, but I get introduced to sports. I was pretty good at sports. I went to an all-boy high school purposely because I was a little intimidated by girls. Now, I was raised with six women, and when it's raining and you pour and you're living in projects, Each one of them have two women, two girls come over the house. So I got a house full of girls and don't know what to do except get locked in my room. Don't want to be bothering. So I looked toward the street at a very early age. The things I saw in the street was the things that attracted me. A girl's way of life just wasn't that deal. But what I found out at 35 was I'm glad I had those sisters. I learned a lot. I just didn't know I was being schooled as I was growing up. So I learned a lot about how to treat a woman, how to be with a woman and that kind of stuff. And I don't mean even physically, I mean emotionally and soulfully how to, you know, treat them well. So I get in high school, I'm an excellent basketball player, good football player, excellent swimmer. So I hide behind my sports. I'm not getting loaded yet. I'm a late bloomer. And this is in the days when they didn't even test it yet. UAs weren't even a thing then. Guess I'm dating myself, Ralph. But there was no test in that. You just do what you do. I was real popular in high school. We had an all-girls school. I went to Deva Clinton High School in New York. We had a all-girls school called Walton. And at 315, you see about 100 men running for the train because that was the booty train. And that's the train the girls got on. And trains in New Yorke get real, real, really tight. and we tried to get real, real, real tight. And it was just fun and games. On the day of our prom, coming out of high school, I'm trying to fast forward so I can get to the God stuff. Getting out of high school the girl that I was going to go to the prom with she decided to dump me and go to The Prom with my man. So you know me and my man got to get into a fight. And I love to fight. So we stopped fighting. I beat him down and I go about my business. This other guy says, hey, I heard what happened to you, man. Get a little sip of this. Now, I'm a junior in high school now. I'm ready to roll. And I take a little shot. I took that shot and he went to reach for the bottle. I said, wait a minute. I took another shot and that shot hit my tongue, burned my throat, bounced off in my stomach. And all of a sudden, I was six foot four, blonde hair, blue eyes, two ounces of body fat, fighting jet pilot. And here comes the walk. Now I'm not afraid of anything. And from that point till I met you, I wasn't about liquid courage. That's the way it rolled. I couldn't dance without it. I could sing without it, I couldn talk without it I couldn think without it had to have that liquid crutch and it served me well because i'm a potty guy everybody comes to my house we dance you guys call it the salsa we didn't call it salsa it was just a way of life for us and we go to high school we work we get money uh there was about five of us they used to call us the magnificent five we used to like to dress you know every time i come out that house I look like I just came out of GQ, but it was all on the outside. I was looking like that because of what I wanted you to think about me, not because of who I was. And we fast forward. I go to school. I go To the university. I'm going to be a pre-med major. I'm a flunk out because it's the first time in my life that I'm around a lot. I mean, a lot of filthy, rich white people. We didn't have that Spanish holler. and I get around them and I see what they're about and they like me and I go off and about after a year and a half I flunk out so I flulked out of school shame to that but it's no big thing I get back to school again but now my drinking has escalated when I finally got to you right before I get to you I was up in Nevada Las Vegas smoked out homeless had been homeless for about two years and I hadn't eaten in a long time So I go behind this restaurant and I know at 11 o'clock that door is going to open and what's going to come out is the manager dumping the last of the cleanest dirty food into the dumpster. I am going to intercept that bag when I hear the sound and I go to intercept that bag and it bursts in my arms and I felt that hot plastic, that hot fresh coffee and all that old food on my arms this is my first spiritual experience i have an out-of-body experience because i'm crying hadn't eaten for a week and i'm looking at the food down in the dumpster and i was tired of going down there getting it because that's where i was eating and i look at that dumpster and i'm just crying like a baby and all of a sudden i find myself up here And I'm looking down, and I said, my God, what have I become? And fear ran through from the bottom of my feet to the balcony of my mind. I mean, it just ran through like a tornado. And I said who is this at this dumpster? And the vision put so much fear in me, I just started running for about two miles full speed ahead. And I ran for another seven years. before i met you and i came in they thought uh i had dreadlocks long dreadlocks i didn't have dreadlocks my hair was matty i had a baseball hat on for three years and never took it off i wouldn't look at mirrors i was about 99 pounds soaking wet i was dodging raindrops my skin was gray puerto rican's don't have gray skin my skin was great i had about 11 and a half teeth in my mouth. I did not look like a vision for you. And every time people would come near me, they'd run. It actually wasn't what they were running from until I smelled myself one day. I smelled like a vat of vodka coming out my paws every which way but right. And I didn't know it. And they didn't know I wanted to cross the street too. But when I did, I was still there. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got to giving these guys a little bit of baseball bat therapy in this park they call MacArthur Park and I just started walking. I don't know if you're familiar with downtown Los Angeles but I walked from downtown Los Angles to Pasadena. I had heard about this homeless shelter where you can stay there for a couple of days and I walked to this homeless shelter and I get in there and I'm on this line now this line is two lines the line is to get in there but it's also they serve breakfast at that time i'm standing on that line spiritually emotionally financially physically bankrupt and i'm looking at these people on this line and my mind's telling me look at these fools they talk up look at that bum over there look at all that vomit on that guy's shoes look at her raggedy ass woman over there and i I'm just inventory, inventory, and inventory. I didn't know what it was inventory about until I realized after about 10 minutes, fool, you're on the same line as they are. What are you putting them down for? And then I had to live in that shame and that guilt and that remorse. I get in a homeless shelter, and you're supposed to stay there maybe about a week. I stayed there 17 weeks. In order to keep your bed in this homeless shelter, you had to go to a 7.30 meeting every day and have this funny little blue book. You had to be there if you wanted your bed. In the afternoon, you hadto go to this 2 o'clock writer's workshop, which was about topics in the blue book if you want to keepyourbed. And at 9 to 5.30, you hadtogo to a participationmeeting where I used to sit way in the back on death row so nobody would ever call me. I didn't want what you guys had it. this was my first introduction. All I wanted to do was stay there long enough to get me a GR check so I can get me a little couple of dollars and I could start doubling my money until I come up. So I thought, God, that I didn't want to be bothered with in no way, shape or form had a different idea for me. Only I didn' t know it. So I stay in this homeless shelter people trying to befriend me. I'm alone in my nature. So I'm like Hands off. No, no, no. I'm okay. Hey, where are you going? Where are you going? Want me to come? No, I don't want no company. Leave me alone. I just wanted to just be because I'm still dealing with this falling from grace as I did for the last seven years of my life. We get to this place and I fall asleep. Meaning that they had this little funny bookend that they read every morning. I just fall asleep in there. Walk around Pasadena all day, come back, go to the writer's workshop. Now the writer workshop caught my attention because I'm a fairly good writer and I like to write. And so I sort of excelled in there. But then they started wanting me to write about topics in the book. I wasn't into that book. I sat there about maybe seven weeks. And one day I'm sitting there with my head down. And for some strange reason, I hear this voice say we of Alcoholics Anonymous by 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Now, they probably read that every morning at 7.30. I don't know why on that particular morning, but I lifted my head up and they went on with the reading. The next day, I was waiting for them to get to that part and I had a strange idea that maybe I might be able to get some help. I leave there only supposed to stay there two weeks I stay 17, I'm a friendly guy I got good social interpersonal skills I love service I'm doing all kinds of stuff around there people think I'm staff I'm not trying to be staff and fake but that's who I am I'm an active guy finally it's time for me to go now I have been faking because after two weeks you're supposed to start calling treatment centers and then when you get in one you go But I was telling them, no they didn't have any beds. They didn't have any bed. And finally they called me on it and I got a bed at this treatment center up in the mountains. My sponsor at the time said you're gonna love this place. It's wide open. There's 137 acres and there's plenty places around there for you to write. And I went to that place. I never knew where the gym was i never knew where the tv was i never knew what anything recreational was all i knew was my bench and my journal and that's when i started thinking that maybe there is something to this god idea but while i was in there people would know stay away from that guy when it's time to pray all i say was i wish you just meeting her at the end i don't want to pray i don' t want you in there i wasn't with the god thing i'm a recovering catholic i had a lot of issues when i was young i was trying to be an altar boy and then they did the mass in latin and i didn't learn latin fast enough and they'd beat you with those rulers on your knuckles until they bleed so i didn' t want to be bothered with any of that so it wasn't about the guy thing you know my gun was my god my woman was my guy my jewelry was my God my car was my God my duplex was my G-d everything out here was my g-d until I was stripped from it and I wanted to tell you all that so you can see this Puerto Rican sleeves bag eating out of dumpsters day after day night after night don't want to be bothered with anything about God and little did I know that all this time that I can get shot stabbed and killed there was a power hoovering over me that you introduced me to so I came in here I met you guys I couldn't figure out what you wanted from me but I also couldn't figured out how could they want something for you you don't have anything what could they possibly want from you and you We were being too friendly, too touchy, too lovey. Said, that's not my Minnesota, that not me. Let me just be. And I got a funny idea. I'm always getting funny ideas and maybe I couldn't do this alone. All I wanted to do was get back, get my turbo side back, get my clothes back, get my weight back and go see my mother and my son. That never happened. I'm a single parent, never been married in my life and I'm raising my son." I sent him off to the University of Utah. And when he went there, it was the first time in my life since I was 19 years old that I didn't have any responsibilities. And did I go crazy until I met you. So you got this know God baby comes up here. And you guys say, just come up to meet him. Work these steps. I look at the steps and all I see is God, God, God, god, god. I said, no, I'm not with the God thing. By the grace of God, lucky for me, I met an old man back in the days when they used to have ashtrays and that's what they'd have you do. He says, Sonny, sit down, be quiet. Now, you know me. Man, my name ain't Sonny. My name is Rico Cruz, man. What are you talking about? You know who you're talking to? I ain't got piss, pot to piss and window to throw it out and I'm talking back. I say, yeah, man, what you want? He said, don't worry about the God think. don't worry about it you take these steps in the order that they're written in to the best of your ability and maybe something will happen from you and while he was saying that all my mind heard was why don't you try this you know what you don't want I know what's behind me I don't know what's in front of me fear kicks in but the fear what's beside me is greater than I try it and I start taking to these steps and had little problems with two he said don't worry about that you believe that i believe i said yeah but i'm not with that he said that'll get us to start just believe that I believe and we got to three I said man you must be crazy I'm gonna turn my mind and my will over to somebody that I can't even see he said just stick with me just stick with me nice old man and um from that point on I stopped believing that maybe something could happened for me. Some of that shame was starting to shut up, some of that guilt, some of the abandoned fathership was coming out on me and I take these steps and I laugh when Titi told me this is your topic. I said it's funny and I'm gonna talk about God's inspiration and intuitive thought and I am the one that never ever wanted to be bothered with God again. They called me the no god baby no heckling no god baby they used to tease me about it it didn't bother me because it was true but i went up to this treatment center and i wrote and i broke and i rode and i went to this 6 30 in the morning attitude adjustment meeting every morning like clockwork because by that time i had been in shelter 17 weeks and to keep my bed i had to go to meetings so i was kind of used to going to meetings but i didn't think this was gonna work for me i think i'd go into treatment center get myself together go back down to Pasadena and start doing whatever it is I do. God had another plan. While in that treatment center, one of the staff members had relapsed. And they said what we gonna do? My counselor at the time was a woman she said don't talk to anybody I got one of my clients I want you to meet. And that led into a student worker a job and eventually I wind up being the director of the joint, administrator of the joint. But that's neither here nor there. The part that got me is before I got out of there I started getting interested in this God idea because everybody in the meetings was talking about this God Idea. Today as we sit here the most important thing in my life, bar none, is God, prayer, and meditation. I didn't do that. You men and women, Alcoholics Anonymous, those steps, those concepts, those principles put me in this little bag, shook me up, and another man came out. And that's the man you're talking to now that be me how i got from no god don't want to be bothered with god defiant about god and anybody that was involved in god i'd cap my hand up no no no could sit here today on a mystical journey that i didn't know i was on and have god inspire me to do some other things that I've gone on to do and still do. Got inspiration from a Puerto Rican sleeve bag eaten out of a dumpster that don't want to be bothered with God. I've cursed God. And still the love came through, but the love was not the same. The love came from you one day at a time. So I took these steps four through nine and I cleared my path and it became a little more reasonable. I got to six and seven And found out that I really want to let go Because everything I let go on Has claw marks on it I'm not a quick let go guy I hold on I go down with the Titanic I get through that Now I'm ready I got my little list made out I'm going to go I'm Ready to do my amends My first few amends were alright One of my bigger amends was to an ex-girlfriend Didn't go that well it wasn't great but what happened was i found out what amends was about so i can't talk to you about god so i talked to you about amends because i didn't know that all this work was to put me in a place where i could talk to god clear my path clear my past i didn' t know that but when it happened i'm in eight and i'm nine and i' m coming out of nine and they're talking about we now enter the spirit what yeah we entered the world of spirit who entered the world of the spirit that ain't my thing but we got a lot more to do then you guys made me uh do a meditation and prayer at night try to write all my wrongs on paper i'm saying what are you guys doing to me? I didn't want to be a trapeze monk. I just don't want to be drunk. When I came in, I wanted to find somewhere I can sit down and not get arrested. That's all I wanted. And that's how I got to that homeless shelter. They wouldn't come in there and arrest anybody. I get to that place at 8, 9, and I start feeling better. I finished my amends. I'm on top of the world. So I think. little did i know i've just done some of the grunt work now it's time to take some action now it'S TIME TO HELP SOMEBODY ELSE NOW IT'S TIME to KNOW YOU CAN'T TRANSMIT SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T GOT I DIDN'T KNOW THIS DEAL WAS ABOUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I READ ABOUT IT YOU TOLD ME ABOUT IT BUT THAT APPLIED TO YOU I'M KING AGNOSTIC THAT DON'T APPLY TO ME GOD'S GONNA work in your life either. But what I've done that only him and I know about? Nah, he's not working for me. But you showed me. Just keep moving. Just keep moving." I'm coming at a nine going to the ten and you're talking about every morning when I get up have this little conversation. Ask for some guidance of what it is you would have me do today now I've been a power player I've been in charge of a lot I'm an active leader and I'm gonna ask it I'm used to people come and ask me what to do now I got to ask this God guy what to do yes you do I try it now you know fear is my fiber so I still carry a little bit with me I start doing it something starts to happen I start feeling lighter, more loving. Shame is starting to shed a little bit. I could look you in the eye. The only time I look you in the eyes is if your eyes are on that street. Everything I did, I looked down. I'm looking people in the eye and they're telling me, I told you this was going to happen. I didn't believe you. Now it's taking place. Now we're going to another level. Now I got God in my life. My sponsor made me every night write down those questions in step 10 and give it to them the next day, make sure I did it. So in the beginning, I was just writing it like homework, like here's my homework. And I was being honest and truthful to the best of my ability and I gave it to them. But after a while, it was no longer an assignment. I wanted to be able to look at my day constructively and see what I needed to do. Was I selfish? Self-seeking? Where was I wrong? harm anybody or owe anybody an apology? Was I just taken out of life because I'm a taker? Was I given anything into life? And I started looking like that and for the first time in my life, I was not afraid. Looked at the truth about me with the best of my ability at that time and I got into prayer meditation when I was a student in college before graduate school. I had joined Transcendental Meditation. So I knew a little bit about meditation, but I joined Transendental Mediation because I had a pretty Japanese girl and she wanted to go to Transcendent Meditation too. My mother didn't raise no fool. You gone? I'm gone. But my heart wasn't in it. It's not that it didn't work. It didn't worked for me because I didn't let it work. But when I got through 10 and I got to 11 and I asked him well why do I need to do this at night and do this in the morning and he told me you want a clean slate when you get up clean slate you go to bed angry there's a good possibility you may not wake up in joy you go asleep mad it's a good possibility that you might not be in a good mood when you wake in the morning so I'm listening but I'm seeing some results I got to keep traveling this road now we get here and we're doing this prayer and meditation thing at first i couldn't do no meditation thing i was told just sit still and be quiet don't worry about the knowing and then they told me whatever thoughts come in your head just don't attach to them just let them fly just like the wind just let it fly and over time i started liking it I said, oh, I can work with this. The most difficult thing I had to do was move myself out the way. My sponsor always told me, shrink Rico, grow God. Shrink Rico, go God. And I do it every day. Not because I'm some great guy. Because I want to be free. Every day. I have a sign on my bed that says, always kiss me goodnight. It's not for Linda to kiss me tonight. it's for me to kiss God goodnight every day. Because when I was 16 years old, my sisters used to line up. I used to be the last one. And we'd line up to kiss my mother and father goodnight. We've been doing that since we had our eyes open. And when I Was 16, my sisters went, then they go upstairs, go to bed. I went to kiss My Father goodnight, he put his hand up. Men don't kiss. That was such a dagger in my heart. I said, what do you mean? You're My Father. Man, no kiss. I guess he was trying to make me a man based on what he knew. And I had a dagger in my heart until about my third resentment. Because I've been kissing my father goodnight since I could breathe. And all of a sudden, I can't kiss you goodnight? Man, don't kiss. Not to help it, Puerto Rican girls are kind of rough sometimes. My sister would tease me. You can't Kiss Daddy. You can'T Kiss Daddy, ha, ha. and it used to drive me crazy. I used to want to choke him, but I knew I couldn't. And I carried that all the way, that resentment to my third inventory to let go of that or who I wanted my father to be. I loved my father, kissed him all my life. Well, I can't kiss you now. I'm the same son, you're the same father and I carried it with me. You people taught me how to give that to God and not give it to God and take it back. Just give it the guy and leave it alone. Go do something else. And by this time, my fear is diminishing. I'm starting to see some results. Don't worry, I didn't have no burn marks on the bottom of my feet from walking on water. No, it wasn't like that. But I just became another member and it felt good. Not bigger, not smaller, just another member. I fell in love with Step 11. Everybody tells me all my life, no step is better than the other one. That might be. I fell in love with 11 because it helped me with freedom one day at a time. So when you talk about God inspiration, my first God inspiration was at a dumpster crying like a dog, like an animal. He showed me a little montage and let me see it and I never saw it again until I met you and had been with you for a while. God's inspiration is all I have today. All I have, not because I'm some great church going read the Bible, quote the Koran, read the Torah. No, I'm not that guy. I'm just an ordinary Joe. I come from below ordinary means trying to do some extraordinary things with some extraordinary beings. And those extraordinary beings are the many women that I met in these rooms and alcoholic synonymous over the past week. that's what fries my chicken and i don't even eat meat it just puts the butter on the bread and i love you and there's nothing you can do about it you're taking me to a place taking me where it's not important what you think about me it's important when i think about you that this is a no God baby now God is my vision I try to see you through him that's my God inspiration I had a guy that I was in a treatment that was a racist straight out racist never hit it and my mentor at the time Dr. Richie Reno said I got an assignment for you because he knew I liked to write so I'm thinking it's going to be a writing assignment He says, I want you to find the God within him. I said, are you crazy? He said, no. Okay. So I'm looking every day. It took me 11 months and I saw a little piece of pipe and I got so excited. I ran in there and said, Dr. Will, Dr., I gotta talk to you, I gotta talked to you. He said slow down Rico-san, slow down. I said no, I got to talk to now. closed the door I said doc guess what happened he says what I said I saw it I saw the little light I saw God within him he said sit down Rico he said you didn't find the God within him you found the God within you and I froze I said what he said you can't see what's not in you And from that point on, my life took off with the God thing. Couldn't believe it. And I don't walk on water. God inspiration is asking God, let me see this differently for things I don' like. Let me see through your eyes, because I'm not seeing right. And I've done it long enough and now I trust God's vision. That's what inspires me. God vision. What would God do in this situation? Ralph just busted me upside my head. What would God do in this situation? He would love him. He would treat him with love. From a no-God baby to where I am now, I've come here sincerely only to be truly helpful. I'm here representing he who sent me. I can go anywhere, it don't matter what I need to say or what I needed to do because he who set me will direct me. That is a God inspired journey from the dumpster to where you men and women have taken me and I never ever ever take any credit because I know it was you. I would hate to think what my life would be like today if I never met you. And you talk about the topic intuitive thought, that means with no effort, no resistance, easy come, natural insight. I never had that. My intuitive thoughts always been I'm gonna get you before you get me. and I come in here and these people ladies steps up some of these concepts these principles and now I have intuitive thought and you told me I can have it if you want there's a few simple things I have to do and I did them God inspiration is all I have because if you get Rico inspiration we're going to all be loaded that's not going to work I got a track record for that but my God inspiration comes out in action when I know there's a guy that can't stand me. Can I put love on the table? I'm talking to Ali, Teresa, Reggie, Rao, Orlando. I'm talking to them. I always put love on the table. I don't care what they say. How about that guy that can't stay? Can I put love on the table? I cannot without being God-inspired. I was up at a convention years ago, and this big penitentiary guy comes up to me. Hey! You're a rough-looking guy. Eureka Cruz. I said, I was yesterday. Why? He said, you remember me? I said. I've seen thousands of people. He said. Do you remember you was teaching the Bigfoot class up in Wolf Springs? And you said only three people would be clean and sober next year. and I told you I was going to be one of them and you said maybe I had a resentment for a year about that but I found everything you told me was true and he started crying and he started hugging me he said I'm taking a seven year cake tonight would you give it to me and then we both was crying because what you men and women have taught me to rely on God who has all power and I do that today and I make a lot of mistakes but God inspired when Teresa asked me about God God's inspiration I went yo because she knows about my no God experiences I said that's a long journey intuitive thought never have a problem I do the thing my intuitive thought is i sit and i be quiet i finally learned how to sit and be quiet i've been a big mouth all my life sit be quiet i have a problem for a second with lynn so i'll be right back and i go back to my little office and i just sit and be quite and i listen for the truth and you know what i got to do when i come out of that i gotta go in the kitchen say i'm sorry i was wrong i'll try not to let that happen again because i can listen to the spirit of the voice that i need to listen to i need listen to he or she who is called by many names i don't care what you call it but do call it god inspiration is what happens here in Alcoholics Anonymous with you men and women i have no monopoly on this i received the gift from you and the gift was god the same power that we didn't want to be bothered with was the power i had to plug into my problem was lack of power and you told me what solution was power how do i get to this power and he showed me how to get to his power I can drink and use and go on to the bitter end or I can accept the spiritual help and I make that decision and I move on to fall and I go for a ride not kicking and screaming for the first time in my life because I am so desperate I met you and the wind of opportunity and the wind of desperation intersected and what came out of my mouth was yes I don't know how to live I'm 40 years old, and I don't know how to live. I know how take some stuff. I know to have some stuff, I know keep some stuff but I was living in another world. And I don' know why, but I lived in a world that I built up this image so that you would think I was somebody that I wasn't. I always tell people it's better to be hated for who you are than it is to be loved for who are not. And I have spent the first half of my whole life being loved for who I was not. Outside of sports, because I was that. But outside of there, whether it's rocket scientists, teacher's aide, professor's assistant, whatever it was, I was doing it because of what I wanted you to think about me, because i didn't think enough about me. and you showed me a way where I could take these steps get in touch with the power that I didn't want to be bothered with in any way shape or form maybe get some answers and I found that to be true so to stand here before you an ex-dumpster diver an ex sleazebag and ask to talk a little bit about God inspiration my life is God inspired I didn't make it like that. You did. By showing me how to live. And I thank you for that. Intuitive thought. That's all I think about. Intutive thought. That means I can do things easily, not too much effort. Don't put too much on it. Just relax and the answers will come. The thing about being raised in the Western world is they got all these commercials and things and stuff and everything's out here. No one says, Rico, go within my son. All the answers you need are there. I never looked inside in my life unless I was looking to see if I was cut or shot Yet, I meet you. You take me through this work and you say, sit and be quiet, the answers come from you. I believe you for you. I believe. But I had to have my own experience. I believe two things have to happen for us while we're here. One of them is you have to find your own truth. Mind might get you lovely. And you have to have your own experience, I can't take your experience and live on a spiritual plane I have to have mine and you've been loving enough and kind enough to allow me to have my own experience whether I was beating my head against the wall or going in the wrong direction or not it never closed the door I always tell guys I work with always keep the God window open no matter what it looks like all he needs is a little space keep the God window open And it works. You people are part of my God inspiration. You people in Alcoholics Anonymous are part of my intuitive thought. I can do intuitive thought on an intellectual cognitive plane, but you guys told me I got to do it on a spiritual plane. How is a no-God baby going to come in here and be on the spiritual plane? Because when I hear spiritual, I hear religious. I hear religion, I'm gone. I hear God, I am gone. And you said stick around, don't leave today and one day at a time from that day to this some things have happened in my life being God inspired so when I got a little taste of it I wanted more. There was a time in my life about 15 years ago, I had never been to Hawaii in my life. And I told my sponsor, I said, Sponsor, I want to go to Hawaii, I've never been there just to celebrate a milestone. It was another milestone for me coming up in sobriety. And he said, man, you deserve to go. You've been of service since you've been 17 days sober, you've been of service, man. Go ahead. But I had guilt about it because it was a time where the economy was real down and a lot of people were asking me for work and asked me to do this, to help with this. I said, man, how can I go on Hawaii and all this stuff is going on? He said, you deserve it. You've never treated yourself to anything yet. Go to Hawaii. And I went to Hawaii not to hang out. Excuse me. Not to hangout. I went Hawaii. I wanted to go on a silent retreat. I like hanging around with monks up at the monastery. That's what I learned to do. And I was like, I went into Maui and I went to this place which was a perfect setup And it was a retreat house, only they weren't having a retreat that weekend. And I went for five days on a silent retreat. No TV, no radio, no books. And it took me 24 hours to get the noise out of my head. So when that noise left me, did we go for a ride? And I met what I needed to meet. I found out that I was okay inside I found now it's not what you think about me or what I want you to think about I found now whether there's a hurricane COVID-19 pandemic marriage, divorce, separation job, unemployment no matter what's going on in my life you taught me that there's always a place I can go inside and there's always peace and that is where i found my god inspiration so whenever something is really on me i know it's the ego voice so you got the spirit voice and the ego boy ego boy sucks loud hey can't you hear me do this no don't do that don't let them do that to you spirit voice is quiet spirit voice says probably not a good idea but i can't hear him because i'm listening to the loud ego voice. I learned to listen to that spirit voice and I get God inspired. I get got inspired to love you, not because you're handsome or pretty, or who you are, because of who he is. Because he could have left me at that dumpster. I sit still and get quiet. And I get those intuitive thoughts. So now, I get into the thoughts before I go out my door, I need to be in fit spiritual condition. And you men and women taught me how to do that and what to do to be there. The book talks about every day I have to carry out the vision of God and his will be done, not mine. There's a prayer I say every time before I go out the door so I can go out like that. So if I run into a hurricane, and if you did in Los Angeles, as you will, it doesn't throw you off track. Cause I don't do when I'm off track, I don' do well. I respond and I respond hard. I do much better loving and being God inspired. I had an intuitive thought before I came on here. I sat quiet and I came in here. I said, I need to tell my Titi, I love you. i love you because she represents that to me i don't care what's going on in her life i don'T see that i see the god within and when the guy within me talk to the god within you you don't have no problem it's pure pure unadulterated love but when my ego talks to your ego and my false pride talks to yourself we have problems big problems because that's not the way it's supposed to be. If you're in the middle of the herd of Alcoholics Anonymous, you are God inspired. Whether you tapped into that resource or not, I can't tell you. I'm not the one to judge. You told me you couldn't tell if I was an alcoholic. I had to diagnose myself and you took me through that booth and when I was in the doctor's opinion, it was clear as day. I thought I was a rotten, low-down, dirty son of a you-know-what because the University of Utah came down here to recruit my son. He played football. I'm a single parent. I'm at the office party, Christmas party. This is when Stolte's first came out, so you know I'm dating myself. I couldn't get that Stolta's and that powder cocaine out of my hand. And every 15 minutes he called me. He said he's at the airport. I said, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm all my way." And I got home at 830 that night and my son looked at me, if eyes could kill, I'd be a dead man. And rather than respond in shame and own it, I responded with anger. I said, you ever look at me like that again, I'll kill you. I brought you in this world. I'll take you out. Don't you ever looking at me again like that. And when I got an inventory and amends, I had to make that amends to him, I was crying. How could I ever talk to the guy brought into this world that I love more than life itself? How could i talk to him like that? My mother before she died had an experience with me. She said, I don't know who you are but my son ain't here no more. I don' t know who your are mister. And she left and I get on my phone and I assist in Puerto Rico I called her, I called my friend in San Francisco. I called the other sister in Hempstead, New York and I got to crying drunk. And then you know what your mother said to me? But you guys took me to the doctor's opinion found out I was sick and didn't know I was sick that I had a three-fold disease that you guys helped me treat. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And you got me out of that dumpster to this God inspired life. And I'll tell you over again, I don't walk on water. My name ain't St. Rico, but I try and do the best that I can. And as I do, those intuitive thoughts come in. I never had intuition before unless I was going to jack you, stick you up or take your stuff. I was intuitive. No question. No pregunta. No pregunta, but man, what a ride. So let me at least get to 12, I'm coming out of 11. So I get in 12 and you guys tell me haven't had a spiritual awakening, not as a result of you being a great guy, you're an asshole who haven't had a spirituality awakening as the result of these first 11 steps that you took. As a result to that you can carry the message to alcoholic who still suffers if you choose. What God has done for me, I got to do for somebody else. What God gave me was a life through you. My gift to God is to be kind and loving to you. If no one told you they loved you today, I got a God that loves you, so do I. And thank you for letting me share. My question is about the retreat that you were talking of. Is that something that is reoccurring? Can I look into that? Is there a name for it? That's it. To retreat is to go within. You can retreat anytime you want, but that wasn't a particular retreat. I do go on retreats, but I like silent retreats. I don't like socialized retreats but it was a particular place I went to. It was a retreat house and they have retreats there but I wanted to go there on the weekend there was no retreats Thank you, Pam, for your question. Anyone next? Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you very much, Pam. Does that make sense, Pam? Yes. Yes, it does. Thank you! There's a lot of retreats depending on what you want to do and where you want to go and what you're going to work on. Nostalgia is a retreat, not right now, but I like retreats. Perfect. Thank you Pam. um we have rick r from toronto please come on up brother i have a meeting you just gotta meet yourself uh hi everybody my name is rick and i'm an alcoholic uh thank you for your share it's beautiful i have question you you had said about um when you had did you say what you went to an enemy or you went to someone that you were at a you had problems with and you looked for the light within them yes yes that's what it was okay it doesn't happen overnight it happens over time it took me 11 months 11 months of really trying thank you i appreciate it man loved your talk try it you might not like it because it's not It's about what you think they think of you. Right. You get all that. That's that much time you're taking away from God. Don't waste time on that. Okay, thanks. It was one of my big difficulties too with the whole God idea, the whole concept. But I know through this seeking that that whole thing is starting to change for me. So thank you again. If it don't, call me. A lot of guys I work with are no-God babies because I know what it's like to be around you guys talking about God and I'm trying to stay away from that subject so it's it can be difficult thank you Rick for your question next person up Robert P Nova Scotia please come on up it's my mic on we can hear you okay my name is Robert and I'm an alcoholic hey robert um when you were talking about uh trying to find i think it was uh the god within someone that you you had like a resentment towards and it took you like i think you said 11 months to to find it and you were so excited to find uh whether it was a god within him or something that was good about him and you came back to your sponsor i think it was and you said i found it your mentor and uh you said I found it and your mentor said no you found it in yourself and I'm just wondering would you refer to that as a spiritual awakening to the God of your understanding? I don't really seek to understand God. So I don' t need to understand Him. That's a good question. Good question. Because I do it every day now. I look for the God within people, especially those who oppose me. I try not to deal with that external bond and look for the God within them, because it's in there. My job is to find it. Otherwise, I wind up choking them. And I don't want to do that. But I don' t know. That' s a very good question, Robert. I'm not sure. I didn' t question it because it heightened my spirituality. So there' s no need for me to question it and grade it on some sort of numerical scale or something. I' m not sure, but I love that question. Maybe I asked myself that. It' s long time ago, but that's a good question. But the results are the same, so why ponder on it? Thank you Robert. Next up, Will Fritos please come on up. Hello, can you hear me? Yeah we can hear you brother, go ahead please. I love you I want to say how do you for my heart Teresa too today is my holiday I get my two favorite Puerto Ricans hey I wanna personally we go thank you for that walk you just gave me down memory lane when you talk about Union Station you know never forget the day that I spent two days on the floor because we were full and we wanted to wait for a bed. That's how I met you and it's been almost 20 years that we've been trudging together and I personally know what you're all about you show it in my life whether it's here or whether I'm in Puerto Rico whether I'm in Texas wherever I'm at whether I'm incarcerated you've been there for me and I truly truly from the bottom of my heart te quiero papi you know I love you and I thank you for everything you've done in my life no even for the last one that I started practicing get it up early and get into the spiritual that helps my girl a lot anyway thank you we go thank you very much nice person Harry see please come on up oh hey thanks thanks very much Rico thank you for your inspiration there it was it was magnificent i just love to listen to you you know and when i get back hi there when i think about what you said uh uh you know in trying to find uh trying to fund what you're looking for and as far as inspiration goes and the god thing uh yeah i've struggled with that for a couple of years and i still struggle with it you know just sort of one of these guys waiting for that big flash of lightning coming to hit you in the head you know on it and you know i hear from so many people you know i just you know give it time do the steps do the work and uh i do that and i i i do my meditation and my prayers day and night and uh you know I still call myself I still feel I'm calling myself back out to uh you Know to me you know and uh You Know I'm taking over again you know it's just so hard to move that move move that aside but uh You know and and I know that one day you know I'm going to get a little bit more and a little bit more. And things like the inspiration that you shared today was something that really you know it really helps me you know understand what you went through and what I know what I've gone through and I see things getting better and better but I just want to say I just love what you said and I really appreciate what you've said and thank you for you know, giving your gift of speech tonight. You know, I appreciate it. Thank you. And thank you, Harry and Teresa. Thank you, Henry, but just change your belief system. God's easy. Thank you Harry. Daniel H come on up please. Thanks, Sally. Hey guys, my name is Daniel. I'm an alcoholic. Hey Daniel. The rest of the fellowship of the spirit guys. Thanks a lot for putting this on Rico. That was unbelievable, man. i uh i heard you earlier this week as well and uh it was it was you speak in such like a way that kind of resonates you just like cut through like you just cut through the screen and i just kind of feel your honesty and your your like transparency and it's uh it's a beautiful thing to be a part of so i'm super grateful for that i was wondering if you could just talk about i love the way you kind of talked about like the uh that ego voice versus that spirit voice and how the ego yells and the spirits kind of whispering um can you kind of like speak on like the volume levels like does it is it are you able to kind of turn down that ego like that ego voice like or does it or can you have it like quiet one day and it'll come right back to you like full blast the next day because i feel like for me personally like i could be like i can be like super connected in the morning and then find me three hours later like in my own head and that and that voice of ego is screaming and and that spirit voice that may be like whispering is like completely lost for me and it's uh i have to work really hard to kind of get back into quieting one i just wanted to know if you'd like speak to that because it's such a beautiful way that you put it if you're going to speak tothat a little bit a little more detail i tried to figure it out myself uh also uh daniel it's um it's not really decibels is what is it I'm listening for? Am I listening to the things in the external world or am I listening to that intuitive part of me? When I go down the street and the cars are bumping and the buses are going, can I talk to God real quietly? Can I pray while I'm walking? And it's not about getting religious or anything. It's about what am I listening for. If you're listening for that spiritual voice, you'll hear it. But it's difficult because they got all these things and stuff out here. People walking down the street, talking on the phone, playing with their iPad, ears all plugged up. No, you're not going to hear the voice of God. Sometimes you can't hear the voice of God when your lips are moving. So that's why before we share like this, I got to sit and get quiet. When you say goodnight tonight, I'm going to go sit and get quiet because I got a stay plugged in too. It's not a natural thing but the The more you do it, the better it is because my friend Tony Robbins always says repetition is the mother of skill and you keep listening for that spiritual voice, the ego voice will start shrinking. Thank you Daniel. Great question. Thank you Rico. Anybody else? The floor is open. hand up or let us know in chat. Sally Yen from Ontario, you're up please come on up. Hi Rico, I'm just delighted that I was able to, I heard that you were speaking earlier in the week and I wasn't there, but I love your description of your interaction with God. My question is two questions. The first one is something you just said to someone about change your belief system. I'd like to know how to do that. so let me just uh give you a little bit so i come from a religious background where the impact was that it didn't really matter what you did you were uh never going to make it you were going to hell and and god was all about punishment and i grew up with that and i lived by that until the day i came into this program so that belief system is already there saying you know what girl it doesn't matter what you do you are never gonna make it and they told me you know what get it change your belief system change your believe system and i am looking for the book that says sally here's how you change your beliefs system it's possible can you hear me yes it's what it's possible to change your belief system you just have to work on it my experiences personally is I've changed but what I used to believe in was crazy only I didn't know it was crazy and what I believe in now because of you men and women alcoholics anonymous experiences I've had spiritually, I was operating on false beliefs. The false beliefs was me on self-will thinking that I'm gonna rise to the occasion on self- will when I could plug into a power and do much better. Not necessarily materialistically but I can be at peace. I lived a very tumultuous life so I need to always be at peace regardless of what's happening out in the world i need to go to that place where there's perfect peace and you people have taught me where that place is so i go there often hey you started out with that process with changing my beliefs by learning yes by learning how to pray uh unfortunately i knew how to play because i'm a recovered uh catholic I'm becoming from Catholicism so yeah I knew how to pray but I didn't know how to pray and approach God like a friend I knew how to pray and approach him like he's way up there and I'm way down here the God that I pray to is within me he's not anywhere I remember years ago out in Santa Monica Dr. Wayne Dyer said to me he said if you knew who was walking right next to you closer than your next breath, every step of the way on this journey that you chose for your life, you would never experience fear or doubt. Thank you, Rico. Thank you so much for your questions. Mauro, can we please come on up? Thank you. Hi, Rico from Canada. Hey, Mauro. How are you? I'm good. Thanks. Thanks so much. Thanks so for sharing. You really brought me back to my parents as well, too, with some of the stuff you shared about your your childhood um what stood out to me is um like all the work obviously that you've done you also said something about i guess when something a situation happens and and you ask god to you know show you the situation i guess differently through god's eyes and through his eyes yeah and that's that's i i i'm catholic but i didn't grow up uh going to church so uh and it doesn't i don't think it matters but like i i i want to get to that place about you know seeing it in a different eyes but i feel like my ego sometimes gets in the way and i always see what i want or really take everything personally and i want to get away from that you said the magic word morrow you said i see what i want to see yeah but that's not what you really want to see no i want see a different perspective and you gotta change that ego is not what you really want to see you're just used to doing that right yes yes yes you wanted to become somebody you've never been you got to do some things you've ever done yes so you want to change the way that flows it's not an overnight deal it's over time right it's the same requirements to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, all you need is a strong desire. I want to have a strong desire to see the God within everyone. Because if I see you through my eyes, I'm going to judge you. I want it to be non-judgmental. And I can't do it without access to that power. In and of myself, I can pull that off. I've tried. I was a member of Rico Anonymous and it never worked. Only I didn't know it until I met you. thank you maro for your question uh next person please forgive me um is it capuanani cummings please come on up i might be running in there in a minute babe can you hear me now yes we can okay can you hit me now can you hi my name is kapua nanny and i'm an alcoholic addict Thank you, Rico Kapuane. And I am from Hawaii. So it's really nice to hear you say that. But I just really wanted to share a lot of your story really hit for me on my story. My story is very long too. I have a long history. But I always saw God as a, you know, that lightning bolt meaning my sponsor now when i came into alcoholics anonymous this last time i'm a i was a rodeo girl that you know kept on going out but this time she helped me to find my god of my understanding and how i don't know how she she's just a godsend you know but one day i remember one day I was sitting on the bench smoking a cigarette and all of a sudden I sat there and I said my god my understanding is a very loving kind and you know what I jumped up in glee and ran to the phone and called I got him I got him so I understand that feeling you know and you talking about finding within you know I've been working on that for the past maybe 10 months now really working on within because I've always, I always hated who I was, you know? And now my life has changed so much. My sister and I have a loving relationship that we've never had. You know, I got a grandson. my life has changed so much because I went and made those changes took that action to change my attitude to become a better person for my family and for my the people that I encounter you know um me and my sponsor I've been sitting down reading a lot about God in himself, you know and finding within me the love and I just wanted to say thank you for your share That is where you'll find him Thank you Capone I appreciate you Thank you for sharing We got a couple minutes left anybody burning desire burning desired question please raise your hand my battery got left a couple minutes beautiful all right says no one's gonna share i'm gonna do something i don't do which is uh rico my brother i love you man um i've known rico from afar through uh my friend Teresa for a few years now and a few weeks ago uh we met and I fell in love I found love with the God inside of you man I appreciate you you breathe and ooze God and then I want to be around it I love people that are serious about this God thing around me you know so I appreciate you thank you so much for doing what you did for us tonight love you man just want you to know that And I'm not responsible for that. You guys are. I didn't pull that off. If I could have pulled that off, I would have did it a long time ago. It's the results of me interacting with people like you. Beautiful. Thank you. We're going to stop.