Sheila A. on Sponsorship, Family Alcoholism, and the 12-Step House

This time, it is my pleasure to introduce our main speaker, Sheila from Norman, Oklahoma. Good evening. My name is Sheila Armstrong. I'm an alcoholic. Oh, I've been sober since December 15th, 1984. Good year. I want to thank my friend Bob. Where is Bob? hi Bob I want to thank Bob for asking me to talk at your group really I'm just I wasn't supposed to I was visiting here I was on business and Bob your speaker got sick so if you're upset it's not my fault that I'm here it's this guy in North Carolina's fault but I always love coming to this group I was, you know, I planned on coming to the meeting anyway because, you know, I just believe that I'm the type of alcoholic that needs lots of meetings even if you're in fun Las Vegas or on business or wherever I am. I want to wish all the birthday people happy birthday. You know, that's so neat. We do birthdays at our group as well and, you know, I think it's really important that when I was new I couldn't imagine having time sober. And, you know, the people that got birthdays gave me something that was, you know maybe I could get three months, maybe I could get a year, maybe, maybe. And so, you know, I'm so glad that you're active and you still come to meetings with 21 years. You know, especially women, that's really, really important. And, uh, you know, thank you for, um, being, being people's light. You know? You don't know that you are a light even just taking a birthday cake. And I want to thank Jack. What an awesome, awesome talk. I just ditto whatever you said it was awesome and I want to tell you that especially I love the men in AA you have given me so much hope I have a son he's a bad alcoholic and it's just been a rough 3-4 years now I'm raising Bob Darrell is what it is I've decided I'm kind of mad about it if you want to know the truth I was listening to Bob's tape one day and I thought, this is my son, my God. But it works. You know, there's a happy ending. That's good if I can live through it. Because he said, well, I was 28, and I'm like, I can't do five more years of this. But one day at a time, one day a time. And I hear guys like Jack and the gratitude for his life today and his conviction. And that's so refreshing to hear that. And so thank you so much for your talk. You know, I want to thank my friend Jerry for coming with me and helping me. She's helped me a lot the last few weeks. And I wantto thank Michelle. Michelle, I sponsor Michelle. And she, you know, picked me up at the airport. We had breakfast and talked. And, you Know, it's just always neat to be with her. And I got to go to a potluck tonight. Thank you for that. It was, you Now, I'm from Oklahoma. You know, we're like Potluck City. And I go, oh, was this? I just thought this was neat, you know. And, you Know, you get to see people that you know You know I see Stephanie You know it's like You guys are becoming another AA home for me So I'm really grateful And I love to see active alcoholics You know I was an active drunk And I like to be an active sober drunk You know the book tells me To talk about what it was like What we were like what happened and what it's like today. And, you know, I was born in Oklahoma. I had two normal alcoholic parents. They did normal alcoholic things, like they were divorced before I remembered they were married. You know, my dad moved away. He moved, I was born an Oklahomacist and he, I have a brother that's 13 months younger than me and one of the things is that my dad, my Dad moved away and I didn't really meet my father till I was about seven years old. And my mom, you know, I loved my mom. My mom was, um, I thought my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world. She would come to school, you know, when I was in kindergarten and I would be proud she was my mom, you Know, and she always looked really pretty and, um. She always smelled like peppermint. Now I know. And you know I love the way she smelled and it was booze in peppermint and I liked it, you know. So we should have known that something was going to go awry there with me. And, you know, she was a nurse and she wore white and it was back in the day when nurses wore white and they wore the cap. And when it was cold in Oklahoma you know, that she'd wear this blue, navy blue cape. And I just thought she just looked like just an angel, you Know. And my mom, you know, my mom was, she Was gone a lot. She was a blackout drunk And she would go away for weeks and months at a time. And, you know, she had alcoholism, I believe. And my brother and I, we started our first round of foster homes. We just lived in foster homes, and our first foster home was in Oklahoma, and we lived in this foster home. And one day the lady said, well, your dad's coming to get custody of you. And I'm like, what's a dad? And he walked in the room, and my dad was a big man, and he had a big voice, and I just didn't like him. He didn't even have a chance. And he had like a Thumbelina doll in one hand and a mitt in the other, and he goes, Hi, I'm Dad. And I thought, this is not going to work probably. Sorry. And could I have another one? You know, you're not, you know. And my brother cried because he always wanted a dad. So my dad got custody of us because my mother didn't show up for court. And, you know, in Oklahoma in those days, dads didn't get custody. That wasn't a normal thing. Men did not get custody of their children. And, today, because of this magnificent program and the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and sponsorship and people like you who have shared with me at coffee and shared with мне from podiums, I know that's the very best my mother could do. I know my mother never meant to have the life she did. I know my mother suffered terribly from alcoholism. And I bet every Monday she thought she was going to get her life together. Monday, I'm going to go get those kids. You know, I know those things in my heart today. And it's a blessing that I got to do that, you know, that I get to be here to have that kind of healing. I know so many people that are, that I come here, I came here in so much pain. And you would tell me things like, why don't you go make coffee? I'm like, what? How does that get rid of pain? We need to talk about my issues. A lot. And I need some magical stuff from you all. And my sponsor was an activist, and she would say, Sheila, why don't you go find someone who's worse off than you? And I go, well, good luck. You know, I thought I was pretty bad. And, you know, she goes, that girl has one day. You have a month. Go talk to her. Oh, okay. I just hated doing that stuff because then I couldn't think about myself. Really wrecked that deal, you now. And, uh, you known, I think sponsors just give you busy work, you known. And I've talked to a few, and they say, yeah, we give you busy work until the program kicks in, you know. And so anyway, but, you Know, today because of all those things, you Now, I know not in my head but in my heart that my mother loved me, you now. And that's been a long journey. That was a long Journey home. And my brother and I, we went to live in California with my father. He married a nice Mexican lady. About 30,000 people picked us up from the airport. They were pinching and hugging and kissing, and I thought, I like this family. They were fun. So we went over to my Tio Mondo's house, and we had fiesta, and I loved it. I mean, everything was always a party, and they drank, and they cried, and they fought, and then they ate. You've got to eat. And then they make up and dance, and I just, I loved them. I was sorry they hadn't given birth to me, you know? And so I just... This lady that he married was a kind, good woman. And unfortunately, my father had alcoholism and he couldn't take it. She didn't have Al-Anon. She didn't know what this thing was going on in their home and their marriage. But I woke up one day and she was gone. And I wouldn't see her until I was 18 years old. I left that foster home, the first foster home of my brother and I, and we would not see our mother again. I didn't see my real mother again until I was 19 years old, you know, and that's alcoholism. That's what it does. And so I was with this family and it was neat. And then one day she was gone and I kept thinking, what's wrong with me? You know, it feels personal. It wasn't personal. It was alcoholism and I keep thinking something's wrong with me. And my brother and I would talk and we'd say maybe we better be really good and we didn't know what was going on. And we went to live in Arizona with an aunt and uncle, and we were there for a while. And we stayed with them. And my aunt and uncle were good. They're good, kind people. But they could only take care of us for so long. And my brother and I, we just never felt like we fit in. We just didn't feel like we were ever at home. It seemed like I was always on guard. And I lived my life that way for a long time. And one day, my Aunt Mary and Uncle Jack said, you're going to go to California because I was 10 years old by this time, and something magical happened in my life. And it was the most magnificent thing that probably would happen to me, and I didn't even know it. My father got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I didn'T think it was that big a deal back then, but today I do know. It changed my life forever, forever, wherever. And so we got to California, and he was living in a 12-step house. Now, it wasn't a nice house or like an old home that someone redecorated. This was a horrible place. and men would be there and there were cots and some beds and my dad lived there for a long time getting sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and you know he couldn't have custody of us so we became wards of the state and went to live in yet another foster home but we were in California my dad was sober and he had an activist sponsor and his sponsor was so mean he used to make him visit us every weekend and do things with us and you now he was this horrible mean man named Clancy and my dad would never have listened to anyone but him you know i'm always going to be grateful to that man he saved my father's life and he changed mine you know um other kids in the foster home no one visited them but my dad visited us when we introduced me to you people and i thought I'm like, God, they smoke and they drink and coffee and have mercy. But there was always something about you I loved. I wasn't ever quite sure what it was. But you were always kind to me and my brother. And I think it's just you knew. You know, you knew what it Was. And I'm really, I'm big on that. We have a lot of kids in our group. You know Oklahoma, my God, we just have children out the butt. Not literally, but we do. God, I can't believe I said that. Oh, God. But anyway, we have these, you know, we have kids and we have, you know, I started a, we have a daycare room now and I started about ten years ago and, you know, it's so big now that we had to move our meeting to another place and they took over our meeting room and we just have all these great little kids and, um, you know, it's a safe, well-lit place for someone's kid to come. And I insist on that in my group because I always watched what you all did, and you treated my dad with respect, and he treated me with love, and my brother. And it was very important to me because I've always had such a good, fond feeling of Alcoholics Anonymous and the people in it long before I ever got here because I just knew there was something about those people, as it says in our book. My dad got sober and eventually met a nice lady in AA. It was boy meets girl on the campus, you know, kind of thing. And she had two kids, he had two kids, and they got together. It wasn't the Brady Bunch, I can tell you that. We were all very wounded, very sick people, and it didn't quite work out. So my brother and I went down the street to live with her sister, my aunt. So we, that's where we moved when they got divorced. You know, and my aunt was a single mother. Her mother lived there and she had four children of her own and she took my brother and I in. And you know, I always used to feel so very sorry for myself. I had this horrible poor life and there were always so many people that would take my brother night and they always loved us, you know? And you taught me to have a new pair of glasses as Chuck C used to say. And, you Know, it's true. It's how I look at things today. They're so different. You Know, there were so many people that loved us and it could have been a whole lot worse. I know, I know it could have. And we lived there and I had drank some sips here and there but my first drunk that I remember is when I was 15 years old everybody was going to the prom and I got asked to go to the prom like at the last minute kind of thing. He goes you don't have a date and I don't Have a date you want to go? I'm like oh how romantic sure bud. and um so my aunt takes me to go get a dress and she did it really special you know just a special kind of thing and she had a lot of kids to take to get things for the prom and and so I picked out this kind of low-cut little snug number it was yellow and I thought I'd look really good in it and uh she picked out this and I can still see this dress every time I say this she picked out this giant green dress it had giant green flowers all over it and I'd like this accordion neck with a ruffle at the top and kind of cinched up high on the waist and billowed out. And it was just hideous. But I've been kind of in trouble, you know. I always push the envelope and then I got to do something really good, you knows, so you'll let me like live there or whatever it is, you know? And so what happened was she said, please just try it on. And so I tried it on, And I really started weighing out my stuff because I'd kind of been, you know, back then guys drove vans. You know, I lived near the beach, so they had, like, cool stuff on the side. And I went to Catholic school. You know、 I used to say my dad didn't love me. And, you Know, he traded plumbing work for me and my brother to go to Catholic School, you KNOW. But I tell you, he didn't LOVE me. And so I was this Catholic girl, and, YOU KNOW, they just didn't ride around in vans and stuff. And I did. And my aunt would say, Sheila, don't get rides home with boys in vans. Nice Catholic girls don't do that. And I go, okay. So I just have them drop me off at the corner. I didn't want to upset everybody, you know. And he had a bumper sticker that said evil, wicked, mean, and nasty. You know, that's my guy. And, you Know, that was a great beginning of a great pattern. And so I just was smoking and just doing stuff. You know? I was just getting in trouble. And so I thought, you know, maybe I ought to get this dress. This will make her so happy. And so, I did. I got the dress, you Know. And she said, would you go to my hairdresser? And I went, I go, yeah, okay, You know. And, You Know, her daughters have never been to her hairdresser to this day. And, I, You Now, hindsight's so 20-20, You Know. And so. I thought how bad could it be, You Know. And so this lady, she put me up in curlers and under a dryer for a couple of weeks, It seem like, you know, I like the top of my ears are not quite right still. And, and so she said, well, how do you want it? And I go, well, you don't like this part up and just down. Cause my hair was like down to my waist and, and she goes, and I go just a little up and, you know, like, so she, she kept putting my hair up and up and off and up, you know, and my hair is this big and that wasn't even the style. It wasn't even near the, it was that, that had gone out a decade ago and, uh, and it kind I kept going like a football, you know. And I was like, oh, but I don't say anything. And that's the story of my life. You know, I just hate you quietly until I explode one day and want to kill everyone. And that is just my M.O. And so, you now, me and my hair get out to the car. You know. We get in and we go. And I am like, okay, you Now, here we go and I put on the giant green dress and I look in the mirror and I am a bush in bloom, you Know. And I hate myself. I hate my self. And nothing can ever go right, you know. Can everything ever go Right just once? And my date had, you Know, three days before the prom He decides he's going to bite The head off a live frog For a hundred bucks, you Now, because he didn't have Any prom money. And I'm like, I'll loan it To you. And he did it in front of Everybody at school And everybody was running Up to me. Hey, the guy you're Going to prom with Just bit that up live frog. And I just thought, you You know, it just never works out. And, you No, nothing comes easy for me. Nothing comes easy. And so that's that. And so he comes over, you know, and when I come home from like cheerleading practice or something, you know my dad would be out watering the lawn and I'd wave as we passed his house and get dropped off at my aunt's. And my girlfriends would go, who is that? And I'd go, oh, that's my dad. And they'd go that's your dad? And I go yeah. And they go your dad lives down the street from you? And I'll go yeah, doesn't yours? You know it just, I mean it just that my life was abnormal and it became normal. It just always felt right, you now. I live here. Dad lives there. Haven't seen Mom in 10, 20 years, you know. But that's the way it goes, and it became normal. And my dad came from down the street. My foster mother came, you Know. The foster home we lived in when my dad was in AA was a black foster home, and my foster mother and father were black, and my brother, my foster brother. We called her Mom, and she treated us like a million dollars. And I love that woman today. She gave us love and structure, and she gave us a whole lot. We were supposed to live there two weeks until they could find like a white foster home for us to move into, I guess. But we lived there three and a half years, and those are some of my sweet memories. And, you know, she was just a special lady, just a really special person, and he still is. And, you know, I don't know where our lives would have been if it hadn't been her. You know, she just, she used to call us her blue-eyed babies, you known. And I just, that's just some of my greatest memories. We would like be eating, you now, like having breakfast. Because a lot of kids came to this foster home. There was a Mexican girl named Hilden and Myron. He was, I loved his name, Myron Fast Horse. He was a Sioux Indian. And he has never known anyone but her as his mom. He was 18 months old. He's in his late 30s now. And, you know, she was just so neat. We'd be sitting around the table, my brother and I and Walter, her son, and we'd look like a meeting of the junior United Nations. You know, it just, you just, it's just, you know. And we didn't even know we were different colors. It was so cool. And, uh, um, I'd go to school and some girl would knock my head off and call me a honky and I'd come home and go what's a honkey and she goes that's ignorance you know oh okay so I'd call her ignorant and she'd whip my butt again and I would come home she goes you're going to have to do something she said Sheila I can't take care of you 24 hours a day you're gonna have to learn to take care of yourself and she said take your shoe off and beat her and I said okay and you know I did you know I followed her action and she was smart you know she was a smart lady and she and I I said to her one day why do you watch kids mom and she she said because all my life I was a foster child And I always said when I grew up, I wanted to give back. You know, and that's the kind of lady she was. And, you know, so, you Know, the thing is my foster mom, She came to see me go to the prom that day. And I don't really want my dad to know That my dates bit the head off a live frog. I want him to think that the L.A. Dodgers are scouting him. You know? That's what I want them to think. And, You know... So... Because my dad and I had a rough time. You know. It was... I was love me, love me. Love me. and I do everything I can to push you away. And that's how I was with my dad. You know, he would say green, I'd say blue. And this went on for many, many years until I got here, until I Got2U. And so, you know, here's everybody and they're going to the prom and I look like a bush in bloom and my date's bit the head off a live frog and it just isn't quite what I envisioned for me. And so my little cousin Kelly runs in and everybody's taking pictures and da-da-da, da-dah, da. And he says, he looks at him like he's Johnny Unitas And he goes, are you the guy that bit the head off a live frog? You know, like he's in awe of this guy. My dad goes, what? And I just go, oh, it's over because he's going to start his thing, he does. And I said, well, we probably need to go. And we did. And, you know, and the funny thing was we just had little glasses of champagne in the car. Well, they weren't even really glasses. They were those plastic cups and the bottom never stays on. They put them together. It's so dumb. I hate those things. I still resent them. And, uh, you Know, I couldn't believe it. And, you know, the whole night I'm hunting around for the bottom of my glass. And, you know I want to look like, I want to look like somebody in a movie, you know? And I look like a goof. And it was only going to get worse, trust me, you know. And so, you know after, we went to the after parties and people started mixing me drinks. You know, like a tequila sunrise and salty dog and people kept saying here try this and it was only in those little glasses. Now I know about alcoholism. I know all about it. I know more about alcoholismo at 15 than most people do, you know? I know what a blackout is. I knew what a Blackout was before I had one, and I still could say it wasn't a Black Out. It wasn't an Black Out, it was a Brown Out. I didn't leave the state. Dad always left the state, you now? I mean, my denial mechanism was incredible back then. And so people kept... And I thought, I'm not going to get drunk. This is a little glass, nothing's going to happen. I had 150 of those puppies, and let me tell you what happened. My hair got long and straight. Those flowers flew off my dress and frog lips started looking really good you know yeah that kind of good and you know it was like my world was transformed it was an absolute transformation I love the way alcohol makes me feel I love The Effects Produced by Alcohol as it talks about in the doctor's opinion in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous I love it the way it does I love what it does for me and I and I did and it made me feel like you all looked. You know, finally I fit. I just fit. I never fit. But I fit when I'm drinking and doing drugs. I fit and it was like, it was, I didn't like wake up the next morning and crave a morning drink. I just partied. I partied anytime I could and every time I could and that went on through high school. You know I got out of high school everyone was happy. I graduated, you know and I went on and I started working and I Went Into The Wonderful World Of Waitressing And that's just like a beeline to it, you know. I mean, I lived in the beach area and I loved the beach and we played beach volleyball and, you now, we just, I was a cocktail waitress forever and I, and I love it. I love the life. I love working at night. I like the people I was around. And it was just fun. And partying. And what happened was it got worse and worse and I got sicker and sicker with her and it got darker and darker and dark. And one of the things, I went to nail school. I became a nail tech. I thought that would change my life forever, you know. And I thought I'd do something with my life. And, you Know, I just really had a hard time getting up in the morning, you know, because when you come in in the morning, it's hard to get up in the morning. And so, you know, that was part of it. And so I met him, you know, booze and boys, gosh, like soup and salad, you know, soup and sandwich. Yeah, I just love them. And it's just like they go together for me, booze and boys. And what happened was with the boys, you know, I love what my stepmom says. She's been in Al-Anon many, many years. She says she had majors and minors, you now. And I have a few majors and lots of minors. I'm sorry if any of you minors are out there to offend you. but um the this is this guy i met he um everyone said she leona settle down you're like 23 years old you need to settle down and i thought i hated this settle down word you know i identified more with men you know they didn't want to settledown and i just thought that was i'm like a guy you know and so i so i uh met this guy and you know and i though maybe i should settle down maybe if I get married, I'll act right or be right. And he owned a bar. Yeah. Free beer and pool for the rest of my life. I do. And I did. And you know, and I just I'm a I'm no different person drunk. I fight men, big grown giant men. This guy looked like Paul Bunyan, you know. And and he would he would flirt with a girl and I still knock the heck out of him, you Know, and and he'd knock the heck out of me back eventually. And, you know, I just believe that when I stop getting in men's face and stop knocking them around, they stop knocking me around. It's amazing how that works out. And so it was just a very violent, volatile relationship. And I had a really big part in that. And and so we were only married six months and they said it wouldn't last. You know,I was still giving out thank you notes for gifts when we got divorced. So, poor guy. And anyway, so after that, in between that and high school, my mother got very ill, and I saw my mother again for the first time. And this beautiful woman who I just adored was very, very sick with alcoholism. She had lost an eye from drinking. She limped when she walked because she had gotten a fungus in her eye and her bone. And it's horrible what alcohol will do to a body. And she lived in this indigent little place where people have no money and they live there. And she just had this really pitiful life in Dallas, Texas. And I got a call when I was right around this time with this guy. And I was just married. And the doctor said she had given the hospital my number and said only call if it's an emergency. And they called and they said that she was dying. and I might want to go out there. And so I got on a plane and went by myself and went to see my mother, and she was in a hospital, and she had tubes running in and out of her, and she Was yellow and swollen, and she's really sick. So I sat with her, and I read to her, and I talked to her. And I told her I loved her, and she was in a coma. She didn't even know I was there, but I was here. And her sisters came the next day, and they started telling me things I did when I was a little girl and cute things. And my heart is saying, well, where did you all go? You know, how come no one ever came and got us? I mean, this is stuff that's going on in my head. But I don't ever say anything, you know. So we went outside. The doctor was examining her. She was still in a coma. And we were sitting outside, and the nurse comes running out. And she goes, well you need to come in right now. And I thought, well this is it. And I was really afraid. and we went in there and my mother was sitting up and she said will you forgive me and I said yes and I'm so grateful I did I think it was just maybe being around you guys growing up I don't know what it was but I said Yes and I really truly learned forgiveness here in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and through the steps and through sponsorship but I set it that day And, you know, my mom and I had three really great days together. And then I went home, and she passed away on Good Friday of that week. And I always felt so bad because she was alone. This last week, a member of our fellowship, a lady, I'm still a nail tech. I didn't become a brain surgeon like some people. Some people have that great story. It won't be mine. But I'm Still a Nail Tech. and, you know, there's a couple of ladies that I do in Alcoholics Anonymous and they're older ladies. They're older. And one lady, she like gets sober for a couple years and then she'd sneak drink for a year and then She'd drink a little more and then He'd get really sick and go into treatment, go into the hospital. And this last time I thought She might be drinking again and She was my client. I did her nails. And Her sister was like, it was to the point where She wasn't driving. And so I said something to Her sister. I said, I think She's very, very sick. And She said, well, I've been trying to keep out of it. And I said, I mean, like, I think she should go to a hospital today. And she was so sick that day. She was so yellow and she was bloated. And they did. They took her to a hospitaI. Our best friend was in the same little rehab place because she had done something to her foot. And they were roommates. And because of you all, because of what we do, I went and visited them every week for the last five weeks. and we'd watch Ellen in the morning and we watched Oprah in the afternoon and they were the sweetest ladies and the one who was really sick, she died she died Saturday and she just didn't tell anybody you know, she just couldn't quite get what we do here and she couldn't get sober but she spent the last days of her life with her very best friend who's been sober in this program 25 years who tried to help her. I just think that was kind of neat that she got to do that. And so, you know, I just hope that, you know... I wish we could help them all and sometimes I think... I just don't know. It just makes my heart so sad. And Mary Lyle reminded me a whole lot of my mom but I'm glad her friends came to see her and that she was with her friend. My mom passed away, and my brother... I called my dad, and my dad hadn't seen my mother in many years, and my Dad went with me and my Brother to help us bury our mom. And you know, I will always love my Dad for doing that. It wasn't really comfortable for him. It probably made him feel weird. But he talked to his sponsor, and his sponsor said, That's what you should do. That's... That's the best thing you can do. That's that's what we should do." And he did, and he walked us through it, and he was with me and my Broder. And we were both a mess at this point. And so we were all around the graveside, my dad and my brother and I. And I thought, this is the first time we've ever all been together. And I think she probably would have liked that. And those are things that happened before I got to you. When I was 19 years old, I woke up in a field. I was in a blackout. I'm not a blackouts drunk. It's just like, oh, God. And, you know, I just hate people that tell you the things you've done in a blackout. I think there's a special place in hell for them. Do you know what you did last night? No, and I don't want to know. Thanks for sharing. You know, it's like, and then they go on and they want to tell you, you know, I used to say, God gives me blackouts for a reason. Don't ruin them. And so I woke up in a field and I thought there might be a problem. And I can't remember how I got there. And, you know, just things like that were starting to happen and bad, bad situations were getting worse and worse. And so I went to AA for nine months when I was 19 years old, but I didn't think I was really an alcoholic. You know, I just might have a location problem, but Iím not an alcoholic and I left and I had an eight-year slip, I say, you Know, and I didnít come back to Alcoholics Anonymous for eight years. But when I came back, I was a lot like what Jack was talking about. You know, I was that way and I needed every one of those eight years to get to you to know that I had to be here. I have to be hier. I don't want to be her. It's like, I don' t even, it was like, I wanted to be sober but I knew I didn't want to have to do the, I knew it was in front of me when I got here. It's kind of hard for AA kids sometimes I think because they know what's in front of them. They know what, you know, they watched us. They're around the talk they're around the lingo they know almost way too much you know and I think sometimes it's harder for our kids um and it's something that I've been walking through for three years with mine and um it's uh I've needed every meeting every person I've ever sponsored I've need every commitment and I am very active in my group I sponsor a lot of women not because i'm wonderful but because i'm a really sick alcoholic who needs to stay out of herself and i need to be as committed to you to say thank you every day of my life for my life you don't ever inconvenience me because nobody seemed inconvenienced when i needed help people were there all the time for me and i owe that i will i'll never be able to repay you for the life i have today and for my kids. You know, I have two boys and they've never lived in a foster home and that's because of you, because of the love you've given me and the way. You showed me the way out, you know, and you gave me the gift and I received it. My sponsor is Peg Martin. She lives in Bellevue, Nebraska. She has four billion years of sobriety, I like to say. You knows, she really does. And I just love her because she's such a light, you now, and she's an active woman in AA, and she's my light when I can't see. You know, she said, I want you to pray and put Brad in God's hands, Sheila. And I said to her one day, I don't have any faith today. And, I didn't because he was in jail, and my heart was so heavy. And she said I want you put him in God s hands. And then I said I don t have any Faith. And She said I have Faith. I have faith enough for both of us. And that s how she has always been for me. She's always had enough faith for both of us and you know meanwhile she'll give me plenty of action to take and those are the things I do. By the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I had met another him and I had a child out of wedlock and I gave birth to this baby boy and his dad left when I was eight months pregnant and I loved him more than life. I mean, I was going to be the best mom. I drank and used drugs while I was pregnant. I hate that part of my story. I will always tell that part of my history because it's the kind of alcoholic woman I really am. I don't want to ever forget who I really am. And because if I forget who I was, I will become it again, I believe. And so I was going to do the best. I was never going to drink again. I was just going to be the best because I loved him. I've never felt love like that. And what happened for me was he fixed me for about two weeks and then I'm running and getting and finding and going and I'm back at the bars and I am doing the crazy stuff again with the crazy people and it's just, it's really, and it hurts and it is really bad. She got to a point where I didn't have a place to live with this baby and he He was about 20 months old, and I was staying with this girlfriend, and we had moved down to Cardiff-by-the-Sea. She had a little house there, and she was a hairdresser and I as a nail tech. And she let us sleep on the floor in her house, and I would go to bed, and then I'd go to sleep. I was cocktailing again at night, and he caught me coming in one morning. I used to come in about 6 o'clock in the morning, you know, gone out of my mind, and she would watch him all night long. And then about 7, the house would start waking up, and I would pretend to wake up with him, you know, like I'd been home earlier. She caught me coming in one night, and she said, You know, if it weren't for your son, you wouldn't be here. If it weren'T for that baby, I wouldn't let you stay here. She said, There's something really wrong with you, and I think you need to, I know your mom's dead, but you need a call your dad or somebody. You know he lives in Oklahoma, And he had remarried and moved to Oklahoma at this time. And I said, no, you know, I just don't think I need to call him. And he was my last resort. I didn't call Dad. I mean, because he's going to know. He's goingto know there's something wrong. He'sgoing to know what's wrong. And so what I did was I eventually called my dad. His wife answered. She's a black belt Al-Anon. Look out when it's towards the end of your drinking and you run into a black Al-Alanon, it's probably all over for you. promise. And I said, well, she said, your dad's in the back. He's with a sponsor. He is doing a fifth step. God, I've heard that a million times, you know. And she goes, well don't. I said I'm just going to put Brad in a foster home and I'm going to walk the streets because I can't do this anymore. And you know, I don't know what this is. She doesn't ask me a million questions. She just says, please just let us call you back. And I went and left and I got drunk and they got in touch with me the next day. Long story short. My dad gave me a one-way ticket, non-cashable, nonrefundable, non-anythingable to Oklahoma. I'm on the plane, I'm getting ready to take off and I think, what if I, you know, I'm 28 years old and I have no life. You know, I're 28 years old and have nothing to show for my life and now I'm really hit the skids and I'm moving to Oklahoma and, you know, because I grew up in California, you And so I got to Oklahoma, and I got drunk somewhere along the way on the trip and was pretty much in a blackout because we changed planes in Denver and these guys that were goat hunters or something helped me get to the next gate because I had my son. But it was very sketchy. And I always try to tell that part in case there's like you're the goat hunter, somebody sitting there, the goat runner, that helped me. I want to say thank you. Because they did. They helped me out. I can't quite remember it, though. it's really kind of sketchy and um they're just people like that you know they just show up for us drunks it's amazing um i got to oklahoma and my dad didn't pick me up at the airport his wife did and you know that's the kind of relationship i had with my daddy just you know he just couldn't i was too painful i was so painful he couldn't handle it you know and so we get there and my dad was at a meeting and people have said to this day that he washed every ashtray in every cup four or five times because he didn't want to go home, you know, to see her. The daughter's there. It's just so painful, you know? And so how we see each other, you know... And here's my son and he says, Hello. How are you? You know, I mean, that's... We didn't hug. It wasn't love. It was horrible. It was just horrible. So I stayed with them and eventually got in a fight with my dad and made it all his fault because it always is. If I leave, I have to be angry with you so it's got to be your fault and I get in a flight with them and my son and I move in with these people and it's the same people and it' s the same life and I kept I thought well you know I'll move to Oklahoma nothing happens in Oklahoma and I'll be okay and you know and I do the same thing and the same thing and I went into a blackout one night and I put my son to bed and then we had a party and I got went into a black out and the next morning I came to and he wasn't in the room with me and I couldn't find him it was December 15 1984 it was sub-zero weather it's very cold in Oklahoma with a windshield. And I couldn't find him, and I thought he'd gone outside and froze to death because children have done that back there, that they get outside and can't get back in. I was running around looking for him and crying and freaked out and running outside. My roommate gets up and said, what are you doing? And I said, I can't find Brad. And she said, he's right here. And he was walking down the hall. And i never want to forget that. And he had little yellow jammies with the feet on. You know, he put his little arms up. He said, Mom. He was 20 months old. and I had a moment of clarity and I knew this wasn't my dad's fault and this wasn' t my mom's fault this was no one's fault that I was doing this to my child and it was my fault somebody had given me their number in an AA meeting because I went to some open meetings because when you live with my parents you've got to go to something I went down for a little while that didn't kind of work out identify, I love alcoholics but I'd say things to ladies like have a drink at a Quaalude and he'll be home they were like What is she doing in here, you know? She's in the wrong room. And so, you know, a girl in an AA meeting, you know, she looked over and she knew. And she gave me her name and her number and said, if you ever need anything, give me a call, you Know. And she didn't feel competitive with me or anything weird. She just loved me. And she's never really been sober since then either. But she carried the message to me. I got up that morning after I I finally found Brad, and we saw him, and I called them. And she wasn't home, but her husband was. And he said, yeah, I know a little bit more about you than I should. You need to come over. And I went over there, and he had a big book and a cup of coffee at a kitchen table, and he 12-stepped me. And he says, Sheila, you don't ever have to live this way again if you don' t want to. He said, you never have to drink again if your' d not want to, and everything will be all right. And from that day to this day, you know, he's right. It's been all right . There's been some hard times. There's been a lot of trials and tribulations, happy times, great times, and sad times sober. But you've always been there with me, and I've never walked alone through any of it. If you live here long enough, you stay sober long enough. Life will happen to you here. It's not a bubble. I'm not living in the bubble, you know. I live on the sunny side of the street, and sometimes a rain cloud comes along and just ruins the whole day for me or the whole week or the full year. But you all are always with me to put an umbrella right up over my head, you now. My dad and I, I made amends to my dad. I made direct amends to my father and I make them on my knees almost every night for the last three years because of my son. Love what you said, Jack. I totally identified with it. I really made, I thought great amends to my Father and now I make him all the time. You know, did I ever, I know I made a man's dad but I'm really, really sorry now. You know? And it's been very hard. It's been really hard to watch your child that you love more than life destroy their life, to destroy the life that they've had. I have no idea what that noise is. Is someone playing basketball in here? Doesn't that sound like a basketball player? Good Lord. Okay, I'm sorry. Now it's getting worse. That's kind of weird. Okay. And so because of the steps, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, and because of The Things I Have a Sponsor that wouldn't let me get away with just make living amends kind of thing, that she really did take the steps. My father and I started on a journey in AlcoholicsAnonymous, and we had the most incredible friendship and love for each other that a father and daughter could ever have. You know, I really became daddy's girl. We went to conferences together. Is that him? What is the deal? No. We went to conferences together. We, we went to many AA meetings together. We, my dad was at my first birthday. My dad was at my fifth birthday. My dad was at my 10th birthday and my dad died when I was 11 years sober. And I was pretty mad when I found out he had cancer and he didn't have very long to live. And I said, you know, I went to see him and I said Dad, I just can't imagine my life without you. And he said, I know. He said, but you know he said my mission's up. He said my vision is just up and I know it is and I'm okay with that. And I says, well, he said but I'm going to tell you, you stay on the firing line He said, you help those women drunks because I'll be watching. And he said, it's my turn to pass the baton to you. He said you go help those woman and you be on the firing line. Please do that for me. You know, and that's a heavy baton to carry sometimes. Because I felt AA was safe when my dad was here. Because I could ask him all kinds of questions. He was like a delegate and he sponsored a million guys and Clancy was his sponsor and still was. And I just felt like everything I felt so safe. My dad had really big hands, and he would hold my hand when I was a little girl. As much as I didn't love him then, I always felt so safe when he'd hold my hand. And when he went away, you know, it was like there was something that was missing. And I just felt a great void. But it's just life. It's the way it is, you know. We go through those times, and we walk through them, and then we help the people we sponsor walk through those things um my dad was um my hero you know and uh you guys did it i heard this thing this week and it's just haunted me all week and i'm going to share it with you and then i'll sit down here in a minute my brother and my father my brother couldn't even show up when my father was dying in the hospital and i begged him please come please come and he He just couldn't. He drank all night. And my brother was drinking, and his drinking had been way out of hand for a while. My brother didn't even talk to me really the last two years of his drinking because he wouldn't answer his phone when I called, and I called every week. And my sponsor said, you keep calling, you leave him messages, tell him how the kids are, you know, just leave him a message. And for the last few years of drinking, he never talked to me on the phone. And it was years before that that my dad passed away, and he couldn't come to the hospital, and he could not be there. um three years ago in uh like two and a half years ago or three years ago i went to palm springs that somebody had asked me to talk a year before that and i went out and i was really honored and got to talk and uh i got to um sit in a meeting with my brother who had five months of sobriety and i was sitting there with him and we'd had sightings you know somebody said you know i swear that you know california you know we know everybody it's anonymous ha ha I think I saw your brother at a meeting no they go I think I saw Jim Shaw at a meaning I go he's dead my dad but Jim Shaw jr. is my brother and they said no your brother and I said you're kidding you know and he didn't want us to know because he thought if he failed he didn'T want us TO KNOW long story short he comes to this conference and we hang out together and you know I talked on Friday night and he sat there and I and I told people that my brother was here and he was five months sober and then I prayed he got the gift of Spritey like I did. And the guys in the Pacific, a lot of guys from the Pacific group were there and they ran over and they just like embraced my brother all weekend. They took him golfing and this and that. Clancy was at that conference and it's a big conference he does. He looked over and he saw us two standing there. It was really painstaking when he told my dad you've got to put those kids in a foster home until you can get some sobriety and get them out. You know, and he's always loved us. And he looked over and he put his arms around both of us and he talked and he goes, I can't believe you two are here, you know. It was really a neat moment. And my brother sat down and we talked and we had a great weekend. And on Sunday morning he went over and asked Clancy to be his sponsor. Now my brother hated AA for a long time. And that was really a unique deal. But what was neat was that a year ago whoever asked me to speak, my brother wasn't sober. And you know, you just got a suit up and show up or you'll miss it. And I looked over, and Clancy had his arm around my brother, and my brother was asking him to be his sponsor, and I think my dad was probably really happy, you know? And poor Clancy's probably got, am I ever going to get rid of these Shaw kids? My God, you now? And I'm so grateful that, you know, all the people he helps and all the work he does, that he doesn't say, I'm too busy, kid, sorry. He said, sure, kid. Give me a call. And my brother's been sober for three years now and four years. He's been sober four years and tonight he's giving my stepmother, who misses my father very much, and she took good care of my dad, he's giving my stepmother her Al-Anon birthday cake for 37 years. Yeah, isn't that neat? That's awesome, yeah. She called me today, she was so happy, she was just about to burst. And I said, she said, you know, it'll be neat, I'll have Jim Shaw finally gave me my cake after all these years. It was just really sweet. She's the best. She's a daughter, Tracy. I have a stepsister and she's sober. Six years in this program and I sponsor a girl who sponsors her. And it's just on and on. You don't know what you're doing. I'm glad that I give it away the way it was given to me and I don't water it down because I don' t know someday someone I sponsor or they sponsor may give it way to someone that I love and I care about dearly. And when your family shows up, you want the best. I'm married to a man. He's a very nice man. He's normal. He was once. He's not anymore. I fixed that for him by God. You just thought you were normal. And, you know, he's a great man. We have a 14-year-old son and he adopted Brad. And his heart's been totally broken over Brad's alcoholism. It broke his heart in two, just broke his mind. It broke its heart in twos. As of Sunday, my son has been in a meeting every night. once again trying to do this deal, and I don't know. But, you know, he left me a message. Mom, I'll be in a safe, well-lit place tonight. Have a great weekend, you now. And so you just do one day at a time. I hope that you help others as we're supposed to do. You never say no. And thank you. I'll help your kid if you help mine. Thanks.