She Looked Better on the Big Screen Than in Real Life – Mildred F.

About This Speaker Tape

Saskatchewan, a farm, and a sister who cried at night because she was "retarded." Mildred F. spent her early years watching a world she couldn't fix, concluding that the Higher Power was a "useless twit" who made beautiful sunsets but left her sister broken. She spent fifteen years in a convent as Sister Mary Eugenia, attempting to pursue a spirit that remained elusive, only to emerge into a secular world of bars, jails, and psychiatric wards. After thirty-two stints in mental institutions and thirty-eight electric shock treatments, she describes herself as a "soul at war."

The turning point came on a park bench with nothing left, followed by a sudden removal of the obsession to drink. She spent six months sweeping a factory floor on Skid Row, a period of "softening" that allowed her to finally move past the "false self." She warns against looking through the "straw" of the ego, choosing instead a sanity that sees the big picture.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Opening remarks and thanks to the organizers and tape recorders.
• 1:30 The metaphor of the father and the child with the ball as a reflection of Step 2.
• 4:15 Discussion of the 'soul at war' and the influence of Carl J.'s theories on alcoholics.
• 7:30 Childhood in Saskatchewan and the religious expectations of the Roman Catholic community.
• 10:45 The trauma of her sister Dora's condition and the resulting resentment toward a 'useless twit' of a Higher Power.
• 14:20 Life as Sister Mary E. and the eventual disillusionment with life.
• 18:10 The descent into psych wards, 38 electric shock treatments, and the first entry into AA.
• 22:40 The 'stone' years in AA and the subsequent relapse to a park bench.
• 26:15 The spiritual experience that removed the obsession to drink and the decision to avoid suicide.
• 30:00 Living on Skid Row, sweeping factory floors, and the 'softening' process with Dr. M.
• 34:50 The vulnerability of crying in front of 80 women during a retreat and the collapse of her defenses.
• 38:20 Conversation with Father O'S. regarding the nature of her spiritual awakening and the 'fourth dimension'.