Service – Adam T. – NCCAA Conference Committee Fundraiser – 2012

My name's Adam. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for the introduction. I want to thank you guys for inviting me to come talk tonight. It's always an honor and a privilege to be asked to participate in Alcoholics Anonymous. Ultimately, it's a responsibility to give back what was so freely given to me. I was also told that gratitude wasn't a feeling, it was an action. I want to welcome anybody that's new. You know, if you're trying AA one more time, you know, if you don't want to be here tonight, if you're just passing through, you know, if you think this is all a big misunderstanding, sorry it's come to this. I mean, I didn't get to AA because I had a bad weekend, you know. For me, like, I had a couple of bad decades. And I was so grateful to see all the new people, because I was starting to wonder, you know, I was a newcomer for, I mean, you know every group has their perpetual newcomer? Yeah. Well, that was me. I mean, I stood up in AA for 17 years. It was horrible. You know, I mean, chips, if you've taken chips, I had so many chips and key tags, I could have played poker with them. It was awful. I remember one secretary saying, give them back. We all see those people, you know. And I thank you. I thank God for the unconditional love and compassion of the old timers who said stuff to me like, you know what? Don't even bother taking chips. Just sit in the back. Shut up. In a loving kind of way. But they also made it really clear to me that if and when I was ready, that the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous would always be open to me. And next, next to my loving parents, Alcoholics Anonymous is the closest thing to unconditional love that a drunk like me will ever experience. No matter how many lies I told, how many promises I broke, how many relationships I destroyed, how many jobs I lost, all the terrible things, no matter how many things I did, the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous were always open to me. The only thing we will not tolerate around here is your cell phone going off during a meeting. For that, we'll shoot you. That's the only thing we'll tolerate. That's the only thing we'll tolerate. That's the only thing we'll tolerate. That's the only thing we'll tolerate. You know, and I, I did that walk of shame, like, over and over and over again. And as a newcomer, what I would do is I would go into your head and look back at myself and think, what a loser. My goodness, why can't she get this? What's wrong with you? And I know the old timers were judging me. If you're new, I saw there's a lot of new people. We're judging. We make bets. Really, we're not that spiritual. Think about it. I love it when they say, don't judge anybody in AA. You guys ever hear that? And then what do they tell you five minutes later? Stick with the winners. Right? I remember getting out of rehab and my counselor says, now, don't make any major changes in your first year. So what happens? I come to AA, get a sponsor. What does he tell me? You got to change everything. Right? Don't make any major decisions in your first year. Have you guys seen the third step? We thought well before taking this step. How about don't get in a relationship? How about don't get in a relationship in your first year? No one knows if that works. No one's ever done it. Oh, maybe in this group. You know, you ever notice every new cover? I mean, every group also has their saint. There's always a saint in the crowd. I tell people and they say, oh, I did it. I tell people, if you got a halo, don't let it choke you. It was AA. But the one I love is God doesn't give us more than we can handle. You know, if I really believe that statement, if God really didn't give me more than I can handle, guess what? I wouldn't need God's help. And the longer I've been sober, the longer I've been separated from alcohol, the more I've come to understand that I absolutely desperately need God's help. I need your help. If you're new, help is the dirtiest four-letter word in these rooms. The hardest thing for me to do was to admit complete defeat, to say I can't do this on my own. And the greatest fact in my life today is that I can't do this on my own, that Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me what I could never do for myself. It's done for us collectively as a fellowship, as a society, what many of us could never do on our own. And, you know, I might say it a couple times a night, but if I lived to be 100 years old, I could never pay AA back for the life and the joy that I found here. And this gentleman was talking about gratitude, and I was told that it is. It is not a feeling, it is an action. And it was really important that I understand, because when I heard people say I'm a grateful alcoholic, I wanted to throw up. Grateful for what? But what I've come to understand about alcoholism is that this is the only disease when treated that leaves the sufferer in a better position than if they never had the disease. And I couldn't understand that until I became willing to do it. I'm not going to do the work in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, me and somebody were talking before the meeting. I kind of look at AA now almost like a service organization. You know, if you were joining Heal the Bay or Greenpeace, you'd be of service. But a lot of people I know come to AA and they just sit around. You know, like it's going to come up through the seat or something. And I did that for years. You know, and what happened to me eventually, there was so much guilt and shame about being new, I started coming to meetings drunk. You know, I was a drunk. I was a drunk. Now, the interesting thing about AA these days, if you see a guy drunk in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in 2012, people say stuff like, what's he doing here? Right? I mean, think about it. With the event of treatment, this multi-million dollar empire that's grown about Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, that finds us in our most desperate moments and throws us into yoga class, Kraft Hour, nature walks. But, you know, in Los Angeles, we have these late night meetings. I'm sure you guys have them, right? 11, 30, 12 at night. And my keen thinking, what I would do is go to 7-Eleven, get a big gulp cup, fill it up with liquor, put a little Coca-Cola on top. Stealth, right? And then I'd go into the late night AA meeting, do some of my best sharing. . They weren't laughing. No one thought that was funny. You know, and then I did start going through treatment centers. And I, by the time I finally got sober, I'd gone through treatment 28 times. Right, not 28 days like the movie. This isn't Hollywood. . 28 consecutive times. And I wore that like some kind of badge of honor. . And I wore that like some kind of badge of honor. . And I wore that like some kind of badge of honor. . I thought that's what made me an alcoholic. And I remember telling my sponsor, I went through treatment 28 times. I was hoping that would get rid of the guy, you know, loser. . I was going to ruin his batting average. Go find someone that's willing. . And he looks me right in the eye and he says, you know, that doesn't make you an alcoholic. And I thought, you're kidding. He says, no, it means you paid half a million dollars for a big book. . . . . . . . I didn't think any of this was funny. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And you know what? It took me another decade to understand what he was trying to tell me. It was like some kind of cruel riddle. I couldn't understand quite what he was trying to say. But it did occur to me much later. See, I couldn't live with alcohol. It was obvious I couldn't live with alcohol. Everyone could see that. I was in junior high school. I'm in eighth grade. I'm already peeing in my pants, drooling on my desk, passed out under the bleachers. My nickname in eighth grade was Space Cadet. I couldn't find homeroom. Most likely to overdose. See, everyone could see I couldn't live with alcohol. But the greater aspect of this disease centering in my mind is the very simple fact that I can't live without alcohol. Not successfully, not happily. See, alcoholism comes in people. It doesn't come in bottles. And what it really means for me to be an alcoholic is that I have this mind that continues to take me back to booze. It's almost like my default program. You know, a friend of mine is a computer scientist and he was talking about all the ways that, like, the language we use. Like a program. It's a set of instructions that brings about a result. And you know, a computer has a recovery disk. It has a restore point that brings it back to an earlier part of the program. You know, and he talked about... He talked about the defects being like viruses. And we have a process, like a processor, to eliminate that. And very interesting the way that he set this up so I could really understand how I need to be rid of these things. But my default program is to drink. And what it means for me to be an alcoholic is I have this mind that keeps taking me back to drinking. Based on my perception. I have a defiant mind by nature. I have a mind that will argue with anybody. About anything. At any time. You tell me it's black, I'll tell you it's white. You tell me it's big, I'll tell you it's small. You tell me to go left, I'll go right with an attitude. Right? And then I'll blame you for eternity. Your fault. That's why we say denial is an acronym. It stands for don't even notice I am lying. Think about it. You could tell an alcoholic. But you can't tell him much. Oh you don't believe it? Try sponsoring somebody. It's like you can lead me into the gates of hell. But you can't push me into heaven. So when we talk about a tradition of attraction rather than promotion. What that means and if you're new. It means that I got to get to AA on my own terms. Because everything else has failed me. And I'm not talking about the AA. It's just that I'm not a fan of AA. And it's so important that I understand the traditions. I have a home group, Marina Center in West Los Angeles. And you know one of the things about our home group is we always get new people coming in all the time. And they want to change everything about the way we run our group. They want to change the format and the way we set up the meetings. And you know a couple weeks later we never see them again. And for years as a newcomer I wanted to change everything about AA. I found all this fault in Alcoholics Anonymous. But you know what? The longer I've been here, the more I've been able to get to AA. And I've been able to get to AA. And I've been able to get to AA. And I've been able to get to AA. And I've been getting to AA. And I started to understand that the traditions protect us from the internal and external forces that could destroy us. It is about our survival. It's about not having to pay the fee to lider an afterlife. It's about policy. It's about past Western bears. It's about reliving BC. It is the glue that holds us together. The steps might be how it works. If you haven't noticed, the traditions are why it works. One of us doesn't work the steps, one of us dies. We don't work the 12 traditions, we all die. And see, for me, when it did become a matter of life and death, then I would protect the thing that would save my life, and I would respect it. You want to see some drama? Get between an alcoholic and a drink. You guys know what that's like. When all of a sudden this becomes a matter of life and death, then I become willing to defend that which is saving my life. The steps stop me from committing suicide. The traditions stop me from committing homicide. Oh, you don't believe it? Get involved on a committee. And it's critical that I understand the importance of that. So I was in one more treatment center. I was dying of alcoholism. I was 120 pounds. I was yellow. I was dirty. I was in that hopeless place. Remember that great feeling in detox? I let everybody down one more time, and I'm in the detox circle with my fellow associates, right in my nightgown with my ass hanging out, thinking I got it going on. See, because I have two speeds. Grandio. And comatose. Sound familiar? So I'm sitting there in the detox circle judging. And this woman from AA comes in, in her business suit, on her H&I panel. H&I, by the way, stands for hospitals and institutions. And if you're new, it's a committee that brings meetings into prisons and treatment centers and hospitals, anywhere where clients, inmates, and patients can't get to meetings. I think H&I has the lowest relapse rate in all of recovery. Yeah. And if it really is about service, we beg of you to get involved. It changed my life like so many of us. The reason I couldn't get sober for 17 years is because I wasn't willing to give anything. It was because of my defiance towards spiritual principles, and one of those principles is service. So, you know, I'm there, and this woman is doing her H&I, and I talk, and at the end of her talk, she looks us all up and down, and she says, if I could give you all the gift of recovery, I wouldn't do it. And I looked at her, and I looked at the guy next to me, and I said, what a bitch. And then she said something that would later change my life. She said, the reason I wouldn't give you the gift of recovery is because I wouldn't rob you of the journey. Amen. And I understand, I understand today that that journey to recovery, just like that journey to surrender, that each and every alcoholic has to walk, is personal. We can't give you that if you're new. And I don't want to offend you. I know I'm going to hurt some feelings tonight, and, you know, call your sponsor. But if you're sitting in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting tonight, and you really don't want to be here, don't worry about it. You won't be. It's our third tradition. You know, and it's critical that I understand that. Because we talk about the willingness like it's some big gift. But you know what's underneath willingness? Someone said it tonight, and they don't say it very much anymore, an honest desire to stop drinking. And I always thought AA was about not drinking. You know, my friend said, Alcoholics Anonymous is not about not drinking. County Jail is about not drinking. AA is about learning to have a great life sober. It's about having a life that really works. It's about being rid of that default program that takes me back, to get rid of my selfish attitude, the lies I tell myself, the resentments I live with, the fear that drives me, that drives all those people. It's about being rid of that viral program, if you will, so that I can be free. And I didn't understand that simple concept, that that is really what AA was about. And, you know, see, I can write all day long on step one. And even in the 12 and 12, it talks about the first two steps require no action, just reflection. It's in the first paragraph of the third step. That I had to have an experience with alcohol. I had to understand some of these simple ideas that I can't stop once I start. That's obvious. What's more or less obvious to me now, is that I can't stay stopped. That this mind continues to take me back. And as an alcoholic, until I'd beaten down that liquor store door at 5.59 a.m. over and over and over again, or paid the clerk at 7-Eleven $100 for a six-pack at 2.01, or driven all the way to Tijuana to get at the bar, or done all those disgusting, diabolical, despicable things that all of us do on that journey to pitiful life, to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, you think writing about step one is going to save me? I have to have a relationship with alcohol. So that gift of desperation is a great acronym for God. But for me as an alcoholic, I had to get to a place in my life where my head couldn't get enough and my body couldn't take anymore. Then God means something totally different to a drunk like me. It means grow or die. Because at that point, I'm confronted with a couple of choices. Then I understand what it means to drink against my will. When everything in my life demands that I stop, that I show up, that I take care of business. And I can't put down that bottle. I can't even make it to my mom's deathbed. Because I'm drunk. And I can't even make it to my mom's deathbed. And I got to that place like so many of us did. And, you know, by the way, if you're new, we're the only people that want a reward because we ran out of a burning building. You know. I mean, welcome to AA if you're new. I mean, if you're feeling heroic because you gave up your big Saturday night to hang out with us, this is the only place on God's earth where they'll actually applaud because you came in to save your own life. Right? So if you're sitting here tonight thinking about drinking, that beats the hell out of being in a bar right now thinking about getting sober. Really, if you're thinking, when is the miracle going to happen? If you're in a meeting on a Saturday night, the miracle's happened. You're here. You're here. Yeah! You know, they used to tell me my life was God's gift to me and what I do is my gift to God. And I look at the same thing with sobriety. What am I going to do with it? And part of it for me, a big part of it, is reaching back in my community and helping just one more drunk. It has been somehow the greatest gift I could have ever had. And it continues to just amaze me, to see people who are drunk, to see people come in here so broken. When therapy failed me, psychiatry failed me, you know, every other avenue, every remedy that I pursued failed me. And I just became willing to take direction from one drunk that understood these simple principles. One guy that was armed with certain facts about himself that could win my confidence. Like I said, this is the only prison where the key is inside. And, you know, really, part of the problem is until I really understand what the problem is, the solution's not going to work. And part of that problem for a drunk like me is when I stop drinking. See, a lot of people stop drinking, the outsides get better, the insides get better. Not me. When I stop drinking, the outsides get better, but the insides get worse. Sound familiar? So the longest bridge that I will ever cross, the longest journey that I'll ever walk, is that little tiny hyphen between the first and second half of step one. It's kind of like I got a body that can't process alcohol, but I have a mind that can't process reality. And I always thought it was because I drank that my life's unmanageable. That's just the external unmanageability. That's like looking at an iceberg. It's seeing the tip of the iceberg. That's the ruined marriage, the lost job, the broken home, the wrecked car. That's what treatment addresses. But what I didn't understand was under the water is this huge spiritual malady that holds that up. So it's really the second half of step one that drives the first for me. It's because of my need to play God, my need to be right, my need to sort, compare, judge, and label. Because of my severe overreaction to my own perception, my severe overreaction to betrayal, to abandonment, my severe overreaction to disrespect that makes my life so absolutely unbearable. My own mother looks at me and says, for goodness sake, son, drink. You were nicer. And unless I can experience that sense of comfort and ease that I'm seeking from alcohol through this process, there's no way I'm going to stay here. And I didn't understand that. You know, normal people, intellect over emotion. They think, process, and act. I'm the opposite. I'm emotion over intellect. I act, process, and think. Right? Come on. We're the only people that burn bridges ahead of us. If you're laughing, you're probably alcoholic. You know, a friend of mine said, you know, why do we continue taking inventory? And my friend said, continuing to take inventory is like going to the ATM machine. Now, you go to the ATM machine, what do you do? You put in the card, you put in the code, you take your money, right? You put in the card, you put in the code, you take your money. You put in the card, and after a few minutes, you're like, I get it. Why do I need to keep doing this? And he said, yeah, you may get it, but what's going on behind the wall? And I said, well, my goodness, the account's being debited. See, I had an emotional attachment to people, places, and things. And the more that I process through that inventory, the more that I slowly become separated from it, the things that used to own me. It's almost like where there's hysterics, there's historics. And as I go through inventory, the more that I see these emotional reactions, the more in inventory I start to get free of it. Now, I do a lot of H&I, and I should, right? I'm an alumni from everywhere. You know, we speak a foreign language in treatment, by the way. You know what it's called, right? It's called victimese. Sound familiar? I don't understand how the drink bone connects to the jail bone. Right? I can't seem to connect those dots. It's kind of like I met her in rehab. I can't believe she drank. I can't believe she drank. It's called delusion. Right? I knew he was a crackhead. I can't believe he robbed my house while I was at the meeting. And I have to understand how I make decisions based on self that later leave me in a position to be hurt. And as I process through inventory, I slowly become emotionally detached from the things that I'm doing. I slowly become emotionally detached from the things that I'm doing. I slowly become emotionally detached from the things that used to own me. You know, one of the panels I've had for years is up at the VA. Now, you know, you get into a room this size, full of soldiers, Veterans Administration. You know, of course, they ask you to pick a topic. So I pick surrender. Room gets dead quiet. You know, we were talking about it before the meeting. I mean, you know, if you ever watch a soldier surrender, like on CNN, and if you're new, you might want to relate this to alcohol. You'll see the soldier take the rifle, very slowly lay it on the ground, sit down on the side of the road, on the curb, and wait for someone to tell him what to do. Right? I mean, when you've got 40 AK-47s pointed at your head, you don't throw down the gun with an attitude. Right? Kind of like the court card people put their cards in the basket. No offense. No offense. You're not sitting on the side of the road looking back at the gun, because if you do, someone's going to shoot you. Am I looking back at alcohol? Am I looking back at the magic that I once found in booze? Is that the peculiar mental twist? I need to understand that type of thinking. For me, it's like I'm sitting in the high school gym 20 years later. The band's gone. The girls are gone. The lights are out. And I'm in this dark room all by myself saying, where's the party? Where's the party? There's no disco ball where I was drinking. But see, that's the euphoric recall. That is the lurking reservation that Wilson talks about. And see, life has its moments. And for those moments, I'll give my life to recapture and recreate the magic that I once found in booze. And you know what? If you're like me, it's a ghost. And I'm like, I'm going to give my life to try to prove myself an exception to the rule. Worse, never better. Every single time. But I will give my life. It's almost like Oz never gave the Tin Man anything he didn't already have. What am I trying to put in myself that's not already there? And if you're new, my experience with AA is that unless I can find that sense of comfort and ease that I'm seeking from alcohol through this process, there's no way I'm going to stay here. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. You take booze away. The only thing that ever made me feel connected, and you don't give me something better, I'm a dead man. And I believe for me, like a lot of us, that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. That loneliness that I live with, it's got nothing to do with proximity or closeness of other people. It has to do with this separation. My inability to connect with other people. I, you know, I came to understand that for me, there was a big difference between the act of surrender that got me into AA as a newcomer over and over and over again and the state of surrender that's keeping the old-timers here. And you know what? It's a completely different concept. It's kind of like watching a swan glide across a pond of still water. It's beautiful. It's effortless. It's so graceful. But you know what that swan's doing under the water, right? Paddling like hell. And if you're new, we have a chapter in the big book, Into Action. There's no chapter into feelings. This is where therapy and AA kind of start to drift apart. No chapter into thinking. We ought to have a chapter into whining, right, from the podium at the noon meeting. I'm like, get a job, bro. And for me, like a lot of us, I became willing to take actions in Alcoholics Anonymous that I did not believe in. You know, there's a science out there called cognitive behavioral therapy. It's expensive. Now, in AA, it's one sentence. You can't think your way into right living, but you can live your way into right thinking. It's just that simple. You know, in the 70s, there was a science called neuroplasticity. It was actually a theory at that time. That we can... That we can... That we can... That we can... That we can change the neuropathways in the brain through action. You know, and I was listening to a psychiatrist the other day talking about AA. And, you know, he was really defending Alcoholics Anonymous. Because a lot of people think AA is self-help. And he said, you know what? It couldn't be further from the truth. He said, go try tickling yourself. And it was so interesting. Because he was talking about the DSM. And that's their... The Diagnostic Statistical Manual on Mental Illness. And he said that, you know, that's our Bible. And he said it's 1,000% true. 1,000 pages. And there's three lines in that entire book on positive emotion. And he says that's why we aren't able to help people like us. But see, Alcoholics Anonymous, through these seemingly unrelated actions, brings about a change in perception. It's like the St. Francis Prayer. Where there's shadows, I bring light. Where there's despair, I bring hope. It is through these actions that all of a sudden I look back at myself and I say, Brother, how did you ever live like this? And that can only happen for someone like me through action. It's like, you know, the triangle in AA, recovery, unity, and service, translates into three simple actions. Contribute, belong, and learn. Contributing is service. Belonging is unity. To learn is to uncover, discover, and discard what's blocking me. And my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous is the more that I take those actions, the more I start to feel wanted, needed, and loved. Despite myself. It's almost like if there was a weight pile in the middle of this room and I lift weights every single day, I'm going to get strong. It doesn't matter how I feel about it. And what happened to me in Alcoholics Anonymous, I got around a really active group that asked me to take these actions. Like stand at the front door of an AA meeting and be a greeter. Hi, I'm Adam. Hi, I'm Adam. Hi, I'm Adam. It doesn't matter if I'm thinking, I hope you drink and die. Because I wasn't happy about it. But you know what happens? Every week after that, people walk up to me and say, Adam, how you doing? See, I cannot separate cause from effect. And what I've discovered in Alcoholics Anonymous is as I take these actions that are seemingly unrelated, all of a sudden, my perception changes. And that is somehow priceless. I've been in therapy since I was 11 years old. And those same things happen to me. And those same therapists were chasing me around saying, what kind of meds are you on? And I'm like, well, I'm on the 12 antidepressants on the wall. Never heard from them again. Because I became willing to take direction. In the original manuscript, it used to say, rarely we see a person fail that's thoroughly followed our directions. That's why my defiance almost killed me. I became willing to take actions here that I didn't believe in. And I became willing to take actions here that I didn't believe in. And I know as an alcoholic, for someone like me, there's a direct relationship between willingness and surrender. You ever notice you'll never see anybody more willing to work this program than the guy that comes crawling through our front door after a long, hard run? He'll do anything, right? 90 meetings in 90 days. First day out of detox, he's got three sponsors. Wants to take our whole coffee pot home with him. Doesn't even have a trunk to put it in. Right? And then 30, 60, 90 days later, I'm like, you mean we got to go to meetings every day? And like a prize fighter, I throw in the towel, and then I take that towel back one little piece at a time. I take my will back. And the very things that Alcoholics Anonymous gives me, the pretty girl, the big job, the nice car, the nice home, are the very things that eventually become more important than Alcoholics Anonymous. And what I do is I build AA around my big life. And you know what happens? As my life gets bigger, AA becomes really inconvenient. And what I've had to do in order to stay here is I've had to build my big life around Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why I always used to feel like I was outside looking in. I had that feeling. Kind of the difference between being in AA and on AA. In the program or on the program. Sounds the same? Same as being in a submarine or on a submarine. A little different feeling. When the ship takes a dive. You know? When someone you love gets sick or you lose a parent. Then I find out it's so easy to be spiritual when everything's going my way. But Wilson talks about the certain low spots. And at that moment I'm in the center of Alcoholics Anonymous. In those moments when I have doubt, thank goodness that I'm in the middle of AA. And it has never failed me. You know… You know, there is a guy named Dr. Harry Thibault. He's one of the contributing members to some of our original literature who talks about… He talks about the difference between compliance and surrender. Big difference between compliance and surrender. I've been in compliance with AA for years, doing it for sober living, doing it for the judicial system, doing it for the parole department, doing it for DCSF, right? Where I live on the west side of LA, they do it for the trust fund. I know. Yeah, puke smells the same in a Mercedes, by the way. But see, that concept of surrender, just like that soldier that lays down that rifle, it's unconditional. There's no condition on that. See, hope doesn't matter to a drunk like me until I become hopeless, until I burn my life to the ground. Then I become very, very willing. And at that point, someone tosses me a life raft, and I say, well, I don't know. I want that one. It's blue. Is that the condition? Confronted with those choices? Go on to the bitter end or accept spiritual help? I mean, if you did a survey at Walmart, right? You got jails, institutions, and death. Happy, joyous, and free. Right? Step over to your local detox. Ask the same question. Jails, institutions, and death. Happy, joyous, and free. Happy, joyous, and free. You'll hear answers like, well, how bad an alcoholic death? Can I talk to my counselor? So I became willing. Willing as only the dying can be. And then I discovered the magic of this thing, and what it was is that I'd been half measuring it the whole time, and I didn't even know it. I thought, and that's why, you know, we talk about, you know, the disparity between the fellowship and the program. They're not always in the same place. That's what all those contradictions are really about. And I became willing to look at precisely how we have recovered. And I became willing to take actions that I didn't believe in. Because if you're like me, fear's not going to keep me sober. I don't know about you guys, but, you know, the big difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic. You know, getting a third strike, living on the street, being homeless, losing my career, throwing away my education. Did scared straight work for you guys? Went right over my head. Now, the big book talks about the problem drinker and the real alcoholic, right? And illustrates the problem drinker as someone that can stop or moderate given sufficient reason. Huge difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic. Think about it. You get a problem drinker and a real alcoholic in a jail cell for, say, drunk driving. You get two completely different philosophies going on. You get the problem drinker over here sitting in the jail cell thinking, why'd I drink so much last night? I knew I shouldn't have drank so much. Real alcoholic sitting over here on the other side of this cell thinking, why'd I take the 99? Now, look around. The court card people never laugh at that joke. Right? You should have stayed on Surface Street. She could have been home cleaning your pipe tonight. Problem drinker's wife says, honey, if you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you. Problem drinker cleans up his act, doesn't drink in the house, gets a little visine, right? If my woman says, honey, if you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you, you know what I'm thinking, right? I'm thinking about, single life. Come on, if anything got in the way of alcohol, it was out of my life. When we say to concede to our innermost selves that we're alcoholic, the word concede means to surrender with a fight. Every drunk defends their right to drink. Alcohol completed me. It had me from hello. Alcohol was the love of my life. You think I'm going to let go of the love of my life without a fight? I can't even let go of a bad relationship. Everything I let go of has claw marks all over it. So if anything got in the way of booze, it was out of my life. In order for someone like me to stay in Alcoholics Anonymous, if anything gets in the way of Alcoholics Anonymous, it's out of my life. A relationship, a woman, I don't care how beautiful she is, how much she loves me, how great she makes me look, I remember the first time I said that from a podium, there she was in the back of the room. She's like, honey, why do you got to go to all those meetings? My goodness, you're not speaking again, are you? It's the weekend. Next thing she tells me, you know that AA program, it's getting in the way of our relationship, sweetie. So a couple months later, it's Thanksgiving dinner, and it's meet the parents night. So I'm at the head of the table, out comes the exotic, she's like, sweetie, you can have one glass of wine. Come on, honey, it's just a glass of wine. It's Thanksgiving. It's natural wine. Four more rehabs. Oh yeah, I stole her purse that night. Went down to the hood and bought an outside issue. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure. I know what you guys do up here. And she came to detox with a get well card. I got four cards from that one. No offense. I love Al-Anon family groups. If I offend you tonight, call your sponsor. I mean, for her, a slip was 10 minutes of compassion. Really? I tried to send her to codependents anonymous. she wouldn't go. You know why? She didn't have anyone to go with. No offense. They can't stand to see us have a good time, even in sobriety. I told her when she dies, someone else's life will flash before her eyes. The X-rated ones, I'll tell you later. It's a mixed crowd. Oh, I just think of all the stuff I hear at men's meetings that I wish I could tell you guys. You'd hate me. I'd never speak again. You know, I have sponsees that pay more in taxes than I earn all year. They have these huge careers and these little tiny AA programs. I've never seen one of them stand the test of time here. What do I do for a living? I stay sober. Oh, what do I do for money? That's over there. I get those two things mixed up, I'm back in handcuffs. I get those two things mixed up, I'm back in an emergency room. Or I get a doubleheader, a handcuffed or a gurney in an emergency room. But that has consistently been my experience. Again, anything I put in front of recovery has been removed from my life. And I have to stay in the center of this thing. Self-knowledge won't fix me. I don't know about you guys, but of course me, I've had every relapse prevention class known to man. You know, I'm back in relapse class, learning about my triggers. In my nightgown, I'm like, counselor, counselor, waking up's a trigger for me. It's like, sir, will you please go back to your dorm and button up your nightgown? And I'm on skid row again, right? Drooling on myself, drunk, reciting chapter five out of the big book. And the next person next to me is like, will you shut up, man? You're ruining my high. And I'm crying because I can't get back here. I got a head full of AA, I got a belly full of booze, and I'm separate, different, and alone one more time. And if you think that sounds painful, you know what could be worse? Being in this room tonight, being a real alcoholic and not working the 12 steps, it could be worse. You got no anesthetic. Coming to meetings late, leaving early, not having a sponsor, not having. Commitments, not connecting with us. That's why we have all these milestones, right? 30, 60, 90 days. And sometimes I think we do these chips not for the new people. I think we do it so the old timers can find the new people. I really do. I have to spin everything to make sense for myself. Like when I'm having a bad day, I need a meeting. When I'm having a great day, a meeting needs me. And you know what? I haven't had a bad day in years. I've had a few bad moments. But you know, it's, it's, we have these milestones for 30, 60, 90 days. I think we ought to have a moment of recognition for the person in their last 30 days. You could always spot them. Just ask them how they're doing. I'm fine. I'm like, really? Why don't you tell your face that? You know, but you always hear about him later. Remember so-and-so used to sit up in front. He got a third strike. He, he killed himself. He overdosed. See, I know what it's like to be in my last 30 days. I know what it's like to be in a room like this full of happy people and make a decision to drink. I know what that's like. I know what it's like to be vomiting on my way to the liquor store with anticipation. You think at that point, I'm going to call my sponsor? It's the last guy I'm going to call. And all of my life, I was one decision away from a drink. And today between me and that decision, there's a whole world called recovery. It's about people like you. It's about rooms like this. It's about a roadmap to spiritual success, a set of steps, a common purpose. It's about a loving higher power that seems to be the mystery of all of it, but it is the sum total of all of it. And it seems sometimes like grace is like an umbrella. I have a choice to stay under that umbrella. I can't imagine that God could love me any more than the guy at 7-Eleven. There's so many people that want this, but they don't need it. I live in a town where they're dying in hotels and bathtubs. They all want it. They'll do anything. They'll throw money at it. They'll do it. They want it, but they don't need it. Then you get the bum at 7-Eleven. Boy, he needs it, but he don't want it. I had to want it and need it just to get to the door. That's the cover. And then in order to get it, they say you have to, you know, give it away to keep it. Give it away just to get it. See, the knowledge is necessary for me to win the confidence of a newcomer where no one else could, where the clergy couldn't do it, where the therapist couldn't do it, where the drug and alcohol counselor couldn't do it, the parole officer couldn't do it. Another alcoholic was able to win my confidence because he lived like me. He felt like I did. I remember telling my sponsor I had a degree when I came to AA. You know what he said to me? He said, Adam, thermometers have degrees. You know where they stick those? He was so mean. Unsympathetic. But you know, the clue is at the end of every meeting. You ever notice at the end of these meetings we say, keep coming back. It works if you work it. We don't say keep coming back. It works if you know it. It works if you know it. It's not an intellectual pursuit. A parrot can recite the 12 steps. It is only through practice and application. Part of the word spiritual is what? Ritual. And these seemingly unrelated actions that I became willing to take in Alcoholics Anonymous again brought about a psychic change. A revolution in my perception. You know, Bill Wilson, by the way, was in. Time magazine. I think he's being responsible for the largest social movement of the last century. AA's affected like 40 to 50 million people. And you know why I don't think it's going to work for a guy like me? Because it wasn't my idea. Thinking it through doesn't work for me. I love it when they say, oh, just play the tape through. I'm driving my brand new car down the 10 freeway. I play the tape through. I tape through to Skid Row. You know what my head tells me? Oh, Skid Row wasn't that bad. Toothless honey, cardboard box. I can make it on Skid Row. Stress free. I know normal people don't laugh at that. It's not funny. That's insanity, see? I always thought insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results. Isn't that what you do? You hear an AA? Not the insanity I live with. I have a completely different brand of insanity. It's doing the same thing, knowing exactly what's going to happen and what? Doing it anyway. At least the other kind of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. At least there's some hope there. But see, that points back to what it really means to be powerless. Powerless doesn't mean I can't drink. It means I've lost the power of choice. For me, it absolutely means I will drink again. It means I've lost the power of choice. It means I have no effective mental defense against the first drink. It is a very dark place to be. To think that the consequences of a week or a month ago are insufficient to keep me sober. That playing the tape through doesn't work. When people say, what's your drug of choice? I'm like, what's your drug of no choice? Alcohol is my drug of choice. My drug of no choice. Yet, because of these seemingly unrelated actions, I am granted this daily reprieve. Contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. And I believe that is, in a way, the design for living that really works. You know? So I play the tape through. I mean, to have a drink for me, I mean, I don't want to offend anybody if I haven't already. It's kind of like having sex with a gorilla. Now, if you have sex with a gorilla, it ain't over till the gorilla says it's over. You get that gorilla back in the cage, it starts looking at you again with those loving eyes. Remember how it used to be? Just me and you, honey? I promise I won't hurt you this time. No one's going to know. We're in Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. I have to look at this flawed thinking. I will step around this podium and believe the lie. My sponsor said, Adam, you had a big mouth before you got sober. AA's just putting it to some direction. Don't let it go to your head. I know he said, you know, he said to me, he said, who is your, he said, did they have coffee at your home group last week? And I said, yeah. He said, who was the speaker? I said, I don't remember. He said, that's how important you are. You're just the entertainment. Knowledge won't fix me. Thinking it through is not going to work for me. And it's really important that I understand that. You know, one of the interesting things about AA, we talk about, you know, Chapter 5. We read Chapter 5 in almost every meeting in Southern California. I'm sure you guys do it up here. And one of the things in Chapter 5, it says our personal adventures before and after, right, make clear three pertinent ideas. A, that I'm an alcoholic and I can't manage my own life. B, that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism. And C, that God couldn't and would have sought. And I'm thinking before and after what? But it's very critical that I understand for me it's before and after I stop drinking. I'm still an alcoholic. I still can't manage my life. Lack of power remains. My dilemma. And it's interesting because a lot of people come into AA, a lot of guys I drank with, normal in every respect except the effect produced by alcohol. They have the phenomenon of craving. But many of those people that I got sober with, as soon as they stop drinking, you know what happens? Everything works for them. They fit in. They're part of. The career welcomes them back. They come to meetings once a year to take a cake. They never work a step. And their life gets consistently better. They've been surrounded. They're green since their ass hit the seat in AA. You know what? That's not my experience. My experience every time I put down the drink, the first thing they say to me is, boy, you need to be on medication. Why are you so angry? My goodness. Why are you so emotional? What's wrong with you? Why can't you sit still back there? And I'm crying at dog food commercials. When I'm not drinking. I have a whole nother set of problems. They're outlined on page 52 of the big book. When I'm not drinking, I'm a prey to misery and depression. When I'm not drinking, I can't control my emotional nature. Sound familiar? When I'm not drinking, I can't manage my personal relationships. When I'm not drinking, I'm full of fear. When I'm not drinking, I'm of no use to other people. When I'm not drinking, I'm basically unhappy. That's untreated alcoholism. And the way that plays out for me in untreated alcoholism is I don't fit in. I'm not. I'm not part of. You don't understand me. Everybody's in my way. Life's not fair. They're not treating me right. I'm not appreciated. They're not paying me enough for God's sake. I gotta drink. And something magic happens. I pick up a cocktail. And I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. Right? I immediately lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in my fellows. I'm calling people from fifth grade. I love you. I love you. Right? Couple more drinks. Fear of people and economic insecurity. Leave me. I'm buying a whole bar of drinks. Hell, I'll write you a check. Not only are you getting better looking, honey, I'm getting better looking. Right? Couple Vicodin. I can comprehend the word serenity and I know peace. Give me a little cocaine. I want to start a business with you. Now, if you're laughing at that, there's something really wrong with you. You got. Because that doesn't occur in the normal or temperate drinker. Alcohol does not change people's perception like it does with us. Alcohol is classified as a depressant. Nine out of ten people on this planet, they have a couple drinks and they say stuff like, Whoa, I gotta slow down. I'm feeling it. I have a couple drinks and baby, I want to get married. Right? I want. I want to bond. I have a couple drinks. I want to go to Vegas, honey. I'm trying to find the car keys I hid for myself before the first drink. See, for me, alcohol is a stimulant. And that's what makes me bodily and mentally different from my fellows. If you're new, it's not how much I drink. It's not how often I drink. But that effect produced in me is so elusive that I cannot differentiate the true from the false. It does so much for me. I don't care what it's doing to me. And that's what the earth people don't understand about us. Or the Eleanors, for that matter. And unless I can find that sense of comfort and ease that I'm seeking from alcohol through this process, there's no way I'm going to stay here. Not for the long haul. You know, at the end of the promises, it said, we suddenly realized that God could do... for us what we could not do for ourselves. Didn't some of us suddenly realize that alcohol had done for us what we could not do for ourselves? See, if that's true, and my sponsor said, there's a relationship between God and alcohol. And you can see it in the promises. By substitution, you can see that they produce this effect. You get into the ghettos in this country where everything's been burned to the ground, there's two things that always stick out. Churches and liquor stores. You know why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And hope doesn't matter to a drunk like me until, like I said before, I burn my life to the ground. Until I'm fresh out of plants. You give me one more option, I will give my life for it. But at the end of the day, the disease kills me every day and it won't bury me. And then I become so desperate that I'm willing to take these actions. take actions that I don't believe in. You know, Carl Young sends a letter to Bill Wilson relating spirits to spirituality. You can probably look it up on the Internet. And the idea is that for people like me, alcohol is an artificial means to a spiritual experience. These 12 steps were a practical means to a spiritual experience. You take the booze away from me, you've got to give me something better. And that, again, is what this thing's been all about for me. And Chuck C. said it better than anybody. He said the real problem here isn't alcohol. The real problem is a conscious separation from God. And then he points to the 11th step where you see the solution, conscious contact with God. And the bridge from 2 to 11 for me was steps 4 through 9. Maybe what we should say in AA is, rarely have we seen a person fail that's done steps 4 through 9. Rarely have we ever seen anybody do 4 through 9. I do the AA waltz, 1, 2, 3. Drink, 1, 2, 3. Drink, 1. And I'll turn my will and life over to anything but that which will solve my problem. And if we don't have a common problem, this solution's not going to work. And I've really got to see that. I mean, we have a chapter in the big book, by the way, We Agnostics. Have you noticed we have no chapter, We Believers? I think one of the greatest quotes that I heard from Einstein is, I'd rather live this life pretending. There's a God and finding out there isn't one. Then live this life pretending there's no God and finding out there is. It was just that simple for me to walk through that door. And just at first make believe. Make believe that this power had worked for all of you. And I could see it. I could see it in the people that had recovered. You know, I, a friend of mine said, you know, if you get in a closet and pray for a hot dog, you know what'll happen? You'll die. And I don't mean to. I don't mean to put down prayer. But I had all of these conditional relationships with this power. And in We Agnostics, I had to eventually start to look at all the old ideas that I had about a conditional God. You know, Bobby Earl used to talk about the Eskimo. You know, we always say, you know, this person was my Eskimo. That comes from the story of a priest and an atheist. And they're in a bar in Alaska. And the priest says to the atheist, why don't you believe in God? And the atheist says, oh, I tried God once. And the priest says, well, what do you mean? And the atheist says, well, I was in a blizzard. And it was night. And I was lost. And I knew I was going to die. So I got on my knees. And I said, God, if there's a God, help me. I'm going to die. And the priest says, well, you must believe in God. You're here. And the atheist says, you don't understand. After I got off my knees, I bumped into this Eskimo. And he showed me the way back into town. And that simple idea, if you're new, welcome to the igloo. Okay? The first introduction of this power was through God's kids. It was through somebody that said, hey, how free do you want to be? Why don't you take these suggested actions blindly and see if it works? And if it doesn't work, we'll refund your misery. And I had never done that. I became willing to take actions here that I didn't believe in. You know, I had believed in a parking meter God for years, a Santa Claus God. If you're good, you get a reward. You know, I get a parking meter. It's great. If I don't, you know. And it's so interesting. When they asked Michelangelo, how did you make the Statue of David, Michelangelo said, I never made the Statue of David. I just chipped away everything that wasn't David, and there he was. It is by default, as I work through these considerations, that I find a power in my life that makes sense. You know, I'm the actor trying to be the director. We've all read that part of the book. Forever trying to arrange. The lights, the ballet, the scenery. If everyone would do as I wished, life would be wonderful. Now, that makes sense. But what I didn't understand is in that scenario, I had given God a role in my play. And when God didn't meet my finite human expectations, at a subconscious level, I had become separate from his power. So it's not so much God as I define him, but that I understand this relationship. He's the father. I'm the child. He's the principal. I'm the agent. He's the director. I'm the agent. I'm the actor. Just this simple. God will steer, but God won't row. And once I understood that simple relationship, it all just started to make sense. That I'd been in collision with everybody and everything because of my misunderstanding of that relationship. And eventually, I start to get free of it. It's so interesting, because if you tell a five-year-old kid, I want you to go in your room and straighten out your room, he doesn't want to do that. You tell that. Say, five-year-old kid, I want you to go in your room and throw out all your old stuff. We'll buy you new stuff. How long would that take? If you're new, please don't rob yourself of an opportunity to find the freedom here. Because I had sat in the rooms in this spiritual prison for so many years, and I didn't understand that it was just a simple process with another human being through the steps to find it. I was in the doorway to freedom. And I looked back and I thought to myself again and again and again, how did you ever live that way? You know, I remember my sponsor said, Adam, what do you want from AA? And I said, well, I grew up in Malibu. I want a yacht and a Learjet. And you know what he said to me? He said, if you work steps four through nine and you consistently live in 10, 11, and 12, what you'll get, because I want to get something, right, because I'm a taker. He says, what you'll get is a quiet mind and a loving heart. And I thought, what do I want that for? But you know what the opposite of a quiet mind is, right? It's a mind that won't shut up. It's a mind that's up at three in the morning telling me, you're a loser. You know that job you got? They're going to do the background check on you. It's up five minutes before me every day saying, you don't need AA. Those people don't care about you. And the opposite of a loving heart is a vindictive heart. It's a prejudice heart. It's a resentful heart. All of my life, I was crucified between these two thieves, yesterday and tomorrow. And yesterday, I have guilt, shame, and remorse. And tomorrow, I have fear, anxiety, and worry. And my experience, again, through continuing to take inventory is eventually I get free. Our spirits are almost like a body of water. When they're perfectly still, they best reflect the heavens. I know how to get there with a bottle of liquor. But again, unless I can find that sense of comfort and ease that I'm seeking from Boos through this process, there's no way I'm going to stay here. Not for the long haul. You know, it's football season. A friend of mine said, AA is kind of like football. You got fans and you got players. You know, the players are the ones that set up all these nice rows of chairs. They're the ones that bring the literature. They're the ones that make the coffee, made the hobo stew, which was awesome. Thank you very much. And then you got the fans. They're the ones that take the literature, take the coffee, take the stew. And he said, AA is the most dangerous spectator sport in the world. 90% of the world, takers. 10% givers. And then my friend said, you know, AA is kind of the same way. You got 90% takers, 10% givers. You don't believe it? Wait until they ask for cleanup tonight. I'm teasing. But, you know, that was the shift for me. That my sponsor asked me to take commitments and be of service. And it was such a foreign idea. He said part of the work in AA is taking people through the steps. He said the 12th. The 12 steps are like the face of that clock. When you're in 12, you better be in one with a new person. Re-experiencing the phenomenon of craving. Re-experiencing the obsession of mind. Re-experiencing the spiritual malady. The reason the grass is greener over there, it's because they're watering it. You know, someone did to me what I did to myself. I hate to say it. I know it's rude, but I would have killed them. You guys might identify with that, right? If someone did to me what I did to others, I would have killed them. And then I come in these rooms and you want me to pray to God? I didn't want God to find out where I was. Those three relationships with God, self, and others, I was bankrupt in those three areas. If you really look at the 12 steps by design, steps 1 through 3, recreate and develop a relationship with God. 4 through 7, recreate and develop a relationship with self. 8 and 9, recreate and develop a relationship with others. It's just that simple. 10 maintains my relationship with self. 11 maintains my relationship with God. And 12 through service maintains and develops my relationship with others. So coming out of the steps, I'm able to live in harmony in those basic, simple relationships. There was a great spiritual teacher. He was asked, what's the most important thing of all your teachings? He said, love God with all thy heart. Love thy neighbor as thyself. And if God scares you out of these rooms and you're new, don't worry about it. Booze will scare you back in. You know? I'm in Notre Dame and I'm going to close with this. It says, I sought my God, my God I could not see. I sought my soul, my soul I could not free. I sought my brother and I found all three. That's why we say nothing ensures immunity from drinking more than intensive work with others. Pay it forward. Thank you.