Selfishness and Self-centeredness – 12 Step Workshop – Part 3 of 3 – Bob

You are about to hear CD3, Bob D., Adrian C. doing a 12-step big book workshop on, what was the date? 128-2017 at the Conscious Contact Speaker Group, Doylestown, Pennsylvania, 301 North Main Street. We meet every Saturday at 8.30 p.m., one hour speaker meeting. and let me get this going and enjoy the CD Hello everybody, my name is Adrian Clark I'm an alcoholic How are we doing? So up until this point we've you know we've talked about some stuff and you know I kind of get the gist that I may have this thing that's alcoholism the wet side and the dry side and you know I found myself days sober roaming around alcoholics anonymous and I you know, I don't have a sponsor. I want to get one. I got my eye open for one. You know I heard a lady say something that helped me so much she said you know if you have a sponsoring you don't know how to get one if you're lucky enough to have a bed when you go home tonight sit on the end of it and ask for a sponsor and i've done that you know our student signed it uh i think that was probably some of my first experience not only with prayer and aa but also with this thing that's developed in my life today this synchronicity with his power that i've sought after and alcoholics anonymous and lo and behold you know when i start to pray when i start to kind of consider that there may be an idea of a power or a god or something in this universe whatever makes sense to you it starts to show up in my life and a gentleman showed up back in back in belfast uh and he seemed he seemed enthusiastic about a you know he he really did it and he kind of 12 step me in the way I think I you know I think that can't give me any already taken the first three steps there was a lot of things I was on I mean what I'm saying is I was ready to move forward I just didn't know how to do it you know I still had to be armed with the facts about my alcoholism and he done ten minutes you know talks on in step five four or five or somewhere later on I I can't actually remember where it is where, you know, an alcoholic, apparently armed with effects about himself, can win the entire conference for an alcoholic in a matter of hours. He'd done it to me in 10 minutes because I was ready. I was reading. I was getting ready to move on. Turning back didn't look like an option, although I was afraid of it happening, it didn't looked like an action to me and I was right through, ready to be picked off the tree and he could see it. And you know the book's been kind of nice to us up to this point. you ever watch a guy that you're working with and you bring him to your house and you sit down you know you go through the prefaces and the forwards and tell them sure about the history of alcoholics anonymous and you do the doctor's opinion and it's you know it's all lovey-dovey and he's got his book and he was taking notes and you know and he gave me some information about himself it's a beautiful experience and we did the same with we agnostic and he sitting there nodding his head smiling and you always lying to you you know i mean he's not buying it because I didn't buy, you know. But now we're getting to the part here where the book's going to hit me right over the head with what my real problem is. You know, it's, yeah, alright, I've got an allergic reaction to the alcohol and, you know, I got a crazy obsession that keeps bringing me back to the drink, but that's not really what my problem is, what keeps driving me back the drink and then the book on page 62 hits me right over the head with the truth selfishness self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion i think that's probably one of the most scariest words in the whole book self delusion i'm lying to myself and i don't even know it i don' t even know it self-seeking that's my favorite game right there someone asked me you know I was having a conversation where one of my old-time mentors in AA there recently and I had a bit of an argument through email Facebook you know that's her that's a new form of arguing is on Facebook you know and I have this argument for someone who I knew pretty well from my past and you know she was mean to me you know she's hitting me with all kinds of stuff over the head talking about my personal life and stuff and I was talking to my buddy about it later on that night and I said something to him you know how dare she, you know, how kind I've been to her in my life and he goes wow the dark side of generosity Adrian, oh I don't like that the darkside of generosity and what that is that's what I've been doing my whole life you know I've taken care of you making sure you know you get your needs everything you want but really underneath it you know i'm getting ready to push you off the cliff to give what i want and i met this gentleman you know and then i just want to talk about self-pity you know when that doesn't work out then i feel sorry for myself and i try to get you to feel sorry from me with me you know I hope you don't have a sponsor like that you know that agrees with everything you say oh yes yes yes my sponsor generally doesn't agree with me if we're talking about serious AA spiritual stuff he agrees with me in different life things and stuff and that's a good thing you know he generally doesn't and that started for me i met this gentleman called kevin and you know i stood in front of him and i asked him a question that oh my god i don't know why i ever asked him but i'm in so much pain i'm so much fear i'm driven by the hundred forms of fear that they're talking about here and i'm standing alcoholics anonymous probably less than a week away from a drink i'm not doing well my mind is attacking me there's a darkness on me i don't know if i'm coming or going and i turned around him and i said to him you know he goes are you okay and i said i i don' think so i said could you he says well when's the last time you had it i said can you tell me what my problem is and it's almost like he went to get a cup of coffee in a packet of cookies to come back to answer the question you know and he says when was the last time you had a drink and i said well it was less than a week ago and he says well i mean drinking is not your problem and what i heard was you can't you don't belong here either you know i thought he was going to tell me to leave and what happened was the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life turn around he says you know kid you want to know what your problem really is i said yeah sure let me have it he goes you're a self-centered I'm telling you I want to punch him right in the face and I didn't what I started to do is I started to sob in front of him and I said to him you know not me I'm one of the kindest fellas you'll ever meet in your whole life and he says oh yeah absolutely he says you'd give me the coat of your back big guy wouldn't you and I say sure he says yeah as long as there's something underneath the table few in it, right? And I'm like, oh, I get this guy. You know, he's popping me left, right, and center. And what he done was he nut-cracked my ego. And he says, man, you know, this guy was awake. He was awake to the 12 step and looking for newcomers. I don't think anybody else in that meeting really was. But he was, and he had a conversation with me later on, and then he turned around and he said, you know man, God put you in front of me, there you're standing with a black eye, beard, baseball cap on with a sign across it saying anybody comes near me and I will kill you. And what it's really saying is, you know, I'm afraid, will you please help me? I had a big coat on up over my head. It was snowing outside. It was February. February of 1935. You know. And he said, you now man, I looked at you and I said, oh God, look what we've got on our hands here. He seen what he had on his hands. And he prayed to God. He said, God, help me with this one. Put the words in my mouth. And he says, I couldn't believe what was coming out of my own mouth. I really thought you were going to punch me. You know, when I asked him a question, he said, listen kid, every time you put alcohol in your body, do you find it impossible to stop at any time? I said, dude, every day. Every time. He said, do ever make plans for yourself when you're waking up in the morning that you're not going to drink and you end up drinking? I said dude, everyday. It's become everyday. He said do you ever spend a bit of time away from alcohol and life just becomes so unbearable? That you just can't make it through the day. I said, yeah, that's what he says. That's untreated alcoholism That's on treated alcoholism And what he done for me that day was he opened the gates of hell and he said come on Come on Come on in the Alcoholics Anonymous here with us and the tears are trickling down my cheeks No one ever spoke to me that way before and we hadn't ended up wrestling around the floor you know, no one had ever hit me straight between the eyes like that and I said well what do I have to do about it? He says I don't know but I can show you what I've done. He said do you have a big book? I said I do he says I want you to go home and I want you to read the first part of it and if you decided you want to go on with this, he says, I want you to leave it all the way up to page 58 sorry, page 63 right here to the third step and if you want to go ahead with this I want you to give me a call. I went home that night guys and I got home from the meeting late I mean the meetings go from 830 to 10 p.m. in Belfast last for an hour and a half and I get home that I started reading it right away and I had it read that night I called him the next morning and he said okay I'll be there in an hour and i'm like oh hold on a minute here you know i mean i told you it was willing but this is ridiculous you know and he says have the big book with you so next thing i see this guy showing up in a certain business type guy which i was impressed with i'm not like wow this guy's really in this you know he brought me to his house and what we started to do that day was we started taking the first three steps now i gotta tell you guys i think my first couple of of times through the steps i don't remember too much about it and i don t think too much actually happened you know bob was talking about the old-timers talking about that silent voice of the inner god i did not have the inner God in my first five years of sobriety the chatter in my mind was so loud i'm not saying that you can't have that i see guys that do have that i just wasn't involved spiritually enough i mean i had an abnormal drinking condition that i carried in the alcoholics and animals and i got all these things going on the self-delusion the different fears that you know the self-seeking the self pity i have a catalog of events in my life that i'd rather forget you know i've damaged probably every relationship that i've ever been in that's for family members i mean even my dog you know what i mean i you know i mean it used to frown when i'd walk past making the cactus fell over me you know I mean i just didn't know how to be in relationships and stuff and this guy kevin came and he picked me up and we went to his house and we sat down we had a talk about the first two steps and he turned around and he said to me he said are you done are you don't forget him and that was a pretty intimidating question because that sounds like something's way out of my reach you know being done for good being done drinking for good for heaven's sake i'm just off the streets of belfast hustling shaking and moving you know drinking has been the most important part of my life for the last 14 15 years it's been the center pillar of my left drinking nothing happens in his life without drinking that's what it became you know nothing I can't do anything without trying it and he's asking me am I done for good and he goes through a lot of the stuff here in the second step the Bob talked about God is either everything or he's laughing I love the way Wilson throws out in there I mean God is either everything or he's nothing. What's your choice to be? I mean, are you kidding me? Look where I just came from. And you're asking me that God is everything? And, you know, I was willing to believe that at the beginning. I was totally willing to belief that. Kind of willing to believ because Kevin seemed so lit up and on fire about Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what was luring me in. That' s what was attracting me. Kevin's passion for AA. He invited me into his house as kids were climbing over the top of me you know I'd call them up on the phone and I didn't have a cell phone when I came to the AA I mean I didn t have much guys a couple of cracked teeth nice black guy living in my mom's house no drivers license no bank account no watch in my arm the old-timers used to say if you haven't lost your front teeth in your watch you haven t hit your bottom yet you know if you still have your watch and you haven d lost your from teeth please don t be leaving. It's okay. You know, that's the kind of thing that the old timers used to say in the group that I got sober in. And you know, this guy was so, he made AA such a way of life which scared me also. It was attractive but it scared me. I had no cell phone and he told me if you need to call me, you have to ask your mom can you use her phone and you don't call my cell phone. Because he's the guy that brought telecommunications to north of Ireland. I think he could have given me a cell phone to call him, right? And you know he says you call my house phone and he wouldn't be in at times and his wife wasn't a member of Alcoholics Anonymous she'd keep me on the phone until he get in. You know unbelievable man really those are the things that really brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous and kept me in Alcoholics anonymous and when when i went to Kevin's house that day and we sat down and he said are you done for good and i was like i want to be he says why did did you come to the Alcoholics Anonymous for? Thanks Charlie. Why don't you come to the alcoholics anonymous for?" I said, man you know what I just don't ever want to feel the way that I'm feeling ever again. I really don't and he says well that sounds like the right answer to me Adrian. He says so that's a kiss, better get on our knees here. In his house in Belfast where the curtain is open, you know? That made me feel heartily uncomfortable. It really did. He says, Traditionally, this is what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous when we get on our knees. And he said, Is there any... You know, at that moment, guys, when I got on my knees with Kevin to take the third step prayer, I hadn't got a clue what I was doing. I really didn't. I mean, who did when they took their first third step? Who knew what they were doing? You know? I tell you, 16 years into this deal, and I've been a student of this book for all that time. I don't think you can ever fully take the third step 100% I mean who has really let go so much that they believe in God in every moment of every day I certainly haven't and I mean if you have, I would love to hear your experiences with that but I haven't I certainly have it talks about agnostic back in the second step lack of experiential knowledge with God. I mean, that's what I was. I was an agnostic when I came to the Alcoholics Anonymous. I was very agnestic when I became the Alcoholic Anonymous I'm so agnóstic that every time Kevin mentions the word God I cringe on the other end of the phone. I can't do the God word at all. I've had a bit of a sickener over God. I mean I grew up in Belfast on one side of a peace wall which is 30 feet high and somewhere is you know, on the Catholic side of Belfest there's Protestants on the otherside of it and we're killing each other over God so I've got a lot of these prejudgments and stuff that they're you know, these prejudices that they are talking about in the second step and I've had a sickness with God and it's really my idea of God where the sickness is from and I'm not too comfortable with the God word I'll tell you the thing that got me comfortable with the god word was pain psychological pain because every time I would talk to Kevin he would resort me to do something simple on Alcoholics Anonymous and they'd say, well, why don't you go to God? And I left his house that day right in an inventory, right in my first inventory. Now, you know, I'm not going to get into the fourth step and stuff right now, but there's a four-column inventory in this book. And, you see, you know what I tell you, from my experience of doing step work with people and watching people that do step work with other people in my circle and other circles, I've learned there's no experts in the big book. There are none. I mean if you're an expert in the Big Book, you're kind of an expert and spiritual experience in God. No, I don't think we have those or we should have those in Alcoholics Anonymous. I really don't. What I see a lot is if you are sincere about the work that's being done in here and the person that you're working with is sincere about doing the work in here i think we're safe and protected now as long as it's not ridiculous you know i mean i do see some ridiculous stuff going on i think as long we're trying to keep with this book as best we can and you know something else i might want to say on a side note here is you know just because we're doing what it says in this book and stuff there's a lot more to it than that before i sit down to do this with the guy i do with kevin don't worry me i get them to have a home group if you don't have a home group you're not a member of AA as far as I'm concerned and that's just my opinion it's not the gospel but if you work for me you're going to have a homework before we start doing this book you're gonna have a job in your home group at least one I've waxed over the years and I think I've kind of suffered from myself a little bit at times even though I've always been part of a group I've also had a service position I think sometimes we can get so unwrapped in this book that we can kind of start doing this from our own house sponsoring people over the phone getting them just to come over to our house and I qualify that as a meeting when someone comes to my house to sit down and do this work but it doesn't mean to say that I don't need to go most nights the Alcoholics Anonymous they show up in there where I'm doing nothing but taking actions that means not talking most of my meetings in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm at the back doing something I have two service positions in my home group right now ones at the audio table and i get to hear who uh i get to hear all the hot speakers are who's selling the best speakers you know who's the best figures of the group because i have the old catalog all the way back and um i spoke there last year so i had a little look you know to see how many people bought my cd which i i'm admitting it you know i mean But something funny happened. The guy came over to me from the audio who's recording the meeting and he said, he handed me a big pile of speakers and he says you need to replenish that and put them back in the table. It's this guy Bob Dee. He's selling CDs like hotcakes. And he didn't make the connection. He didn't know that Bob was my sponsor, you know? People are coming to me and asking me, who's a good big book speaker? speakers and I'm you know I've been kind of promoting Baldwin which I shouldn't really do but so I have uh he needs me to promote him but uh you know so I have a couple of I have a couple of jobs and uh I have a couple jobs in my homework and stuff so it's important for me to keep the actions you know of all alcoholics anonymous and not just journey kind of through this book the way you know just kind of like p.s like a big book ninja you know i said it guys what my sponsor said to me when they asked me to help them okay i sponsored all three legacies the unity the service and the recovery part of it because just in this by yourself you can get a little goofy you know? Just in this, by yourself, you can kind of get a bit goofy where someone else is just in this by themselves you know i start to do weird things and think that there's you know there's certain meetings that i can't go to and certain speakers that i shouldn't bring and stuff so it's important for me to do the whole thing here and that's where i started off with kevin so it says being convinced with step three and i took it not knowing what i'd done and i you know I started to write an inventory which was in story for me. It was like a story I had to tell. And, you know, it got me up and running. And something happened when I took that third step. I mean, I didn't know what I was surrendering to. I think the first three steps doesn't even mention the word surrender here, but the essence of it is surrender, right? So I didn' t even know what i was surrendeering to, but, you kno, I knelt down with my sponsor and started to do this thing and I just got up to my neck guys and alcoholics anonymous take an action i was there every night i was there twice a day you know i'm collecting the basket money my first job in aaa was the ice tray cleaner after six months i graduated the secretary of the group started bringing speakers in and all the while i started going through this for kevin looking back guys i don't actually think we take the third step first step i i i don t think we do hardly i know i've started to take the third step i'm walking away with a pen in my hand and i got i got a notebook and page in front of me and i'm starting to write inventory what's more evidence that i've started to take a third step is that i'm sitting down and i've shown my inventory or my sponsor i'm moving through that process and i was i'm out and i started to wrap doors how do i know that i really really started to take the third set i've come through the other side of this process and i've started to work with others i mean those are all the hallmarks of the third step right there a good third step so i didn't really know too much about this i didn t know about the selfishness and stuff and it goes on to say that after being convinced we were at steps being convinced we would step three being convinced of what that we were alcoholic we could not manage our own lives i mean that's the first part right there i got that part yeah after my conversation with kevin i was absolutely sure 100 that probably no human bar could have relieved my alcoholism absolutely got that one 100 that was really important to me and here's how it was important my last drunk was by no means my worst one the last period of my drinking was by no means the darkest worst period in my life i mean i haven't been to the aside board in a while you know i mean I was still getting into fights and i couldn't hold the job but i mean it wasn't the worst period of my life but here's the deal here's the difference and here's where i started to concede inside myself that i was ready to do this guys my bottom looked like this for the first time in my life i knew that no doctor had been to plenty of them any form of medication any rest in a hospital any relationship any girl living in any part of the world i'd already done three big geographicals london twice new york once, all ended in disaster. Any kind of money, any amount of money any kind of job I knew that I was beat. I knew that I had something for the first time in my life that nothing could fix. That nothing could fix and all of a sudden guys this little murmur this little mustard seed of hope I think that it may be able to be fixed on Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm seeing a guy who's been through the same struggles as me and he's been many years sober and it's starting to work and that never happened when people were trying to 12-step me two years three years before them and then the third pertinent idea here is that god couldn't wait if he were sought and there's part of me for the first time in my life that's willing to do that i mean i've surrendered to the booze many many times many times every hangover morning i surrender to the boost but this is the first thing i've I've ever been asked to surrender the booze and a higher power. I mean, surrendering a higher power? I never thought of that once when I was drinking. How simplistic and how profound is that? Surrendering a high power. Isn't all the most simple stuff the most profound stuff, isn't it? This started to make sense to me. It really did. And I started to get a grip on this. And I decided to be convinced of what was going on here. And i started to write that inventory the cabin give me see when i took that third step guys that was a game changer for me i didn't see it at the time i couldn't see it most of the great things that have happened to me and alcoholics anonymous in my life i wasn't i haven't really been present in the moment with what was happening it wasn't until i went on down the line it was like bob talked earlier about the guy lighting the lights in london you know you look back and you see the you know we see the work that god's done you see creation and stuff and i never you know i never seen that happen but it was a game changer for me everything started to change when i took that third step everything started to changed when i made that effort and get down on my knees even though i wasn't really chuffed about doing it i really wasn't and what started to happen is things started to fall into place it was very dark and foggy you know i mean i struggled oh my god six months sober i mean i'm the secretary of the group and i'm sitting on my hands rocking from side to side i mean I mean, I can't sit in my own skin. Nothing's really changed or shifted or moved yet. You know? But I'm a part of Alcoholics Anonymous and, you know, Kevin's not an expert with his big book. But you know what? See, looking back, you know who attracted me to him? He loved me. He cared about me. He took me under his wing. He brought me into his house. I hadn't felt that from anybody in a long, long time that seemed to have a real answer for me. You know, he used to go wife's car at the car wash. I didn't just want to come along with him to wife's car with him. I'd call him up in my head and be on back to front and I'd be in fear and I would be in pain and you know I've just been in a collision course like this guy on page 61 here. The actor and the director. I'm banging into everybody. I'm getting involved in Bouts of the Road Bridge and my mother's sports car. I haven't had a driver's license in my life. I mean talk about dishonesty but myself in my head well i need the car to go to aaa well you know i mean i don't have a driver's license insurance or anything i'm calling them up and i'm absolutely insane and i'd say well why don't you just come over to my house and i go up and not have it all planned what i was going to say to him and you know we'll do this and that kid his house need open his door he'd bring me in he goes so what's going on nothing everything's all right I'd be okay running. You know, that man really guided and trusted me. And over that first year in Alcoholics Anonymous in Belfast, man I got, you know, I got rizzed my first year in Alcoholic's Anonymous not only by a sponsor that loved me but by a group that loved me. And a group of drunks that were both Catholic and Protestant. I've never seen that happen before. I mean, God's happening all around me and I'm still blinded. The most powerful things that happen to me in Alcoholics Anonymous, I think I had to be 10 years sober before I started to see it. I think that had to 10 years sober until I started the calm down emotionally. Emotional sobriety takes time. It did for me anyway. You know, it did for me, you know, I grew up in an abnormal environment with an abnormal condition. I was back there couple of weeks ago and you know a lot of the guys that I grew up with and stuff you know they're you know some of them are alcoholic but some of them are not but one of the things that I've one of the things I've noticed about every one of my friends alcoholic or not they're mentally damaged in some way you know there really are I mean that says a lot about me and the friends I keep you know but you know they really are and I don't know if there was extra stuff wrong with me when I came to the Alcoholics Anonymous I don t know if it was I mean you know I spoke to people and I've had signs of PTSD syndrome and from what happened on the streets of Belfast and stuff you know I don't really read too much into all that stuff I really don't I know one thing I need a God in my life you know and I'm open to getting my help from anywhere I've had to do that I'm the sort of guy that's had to do that but I'm also the sort a guy that got really lit up by spirituality and I think you know in my early days of alcoholics anonymous I came here in so much pain, and I started to experience so much pain. The pains of sobriety, I think it was the pain in the darkness and stuff that drove me to finding this God, drove me to find this power. Because you guys talked about it, and I would see guys in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'd come to these weekends, and I'd hear guys like Bob, and I'd here guys like Don, and you know, some guys like that, you know. When I'd hear them speak man, I almost fall off the chair man, they seemed so lit up, they had so much power. And they weren't doing it with arrogance or, you know, you could tell that they were really doing this. They were talking about this big book and you knew they had experience with it. You know? And what they would do to me is I would leave those weekends wanting to do Alcoholics Anonymous. That was my God at the beginning. Wanted to do AlcoholicsAnonymous. And if you leave here this weekend wanting to go to Alcoholics anonymous, then I think a message has been carried in here this weekend. You know? Wanting to go back there and go to your homework and roll up your sleeves. I was just so happy to find out that there was something wrong with me. That there was a fellowship of millions of people that had the same stuff going on. I thought it was terminally unique. And having started to use the language that he was using, that identification one alcoholic to another, I thought, wow, there's a language for this. There's books written on this stuff. I mean, i'm not on my own here and that first year in alcoholics anonymous was real important to me and you know with 366 days sober i ended up emigrating the america again you know um and even through you know there's a there's there's an important um you know so our troubles we think are basically off our own making their rise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-rule run though he usually doesn't think so Guys, you know what? You know what I've come to see? Each part of the journey I've been that guy. It's cleared up a little bit now. You know, a wise man learns from other people's mistakes and a fool learns from his own. I'd like to think that I'm not the fool that walked into Kevin's house that morning with a big book under his arm. I'd love to think I've learned lessons in here. I'd to think i came closer to that power even though I fail miserably sometimes at it. And I do, and I did a lot especially in my first five years. I'd done stuff in my five years because I just wasn't connected to this power that I am still cleaning up the damage from. We made decisions based on ourselves that later placed us in a position to be hurt. Let me put something else in there. We made positions based on self that later replaced us and everyone else involved in the situation to be heard. You know? I mean, I do things on impulse. You know, get married. Why? Because she asked. Was she your type? No. Did you know that? Yes. And then I go around to my sponsor, where's God Wallace? Did God get you into the Adria? Well no, but isn't he supposed to be everything? You know? And I use that everything. You know, I can use that, well it's God, you know? See that God is everything back in the second step? I think that's one of the most hidden things are good that I've had to really grow into that that's got to be used with sanity God is everything I've came to this in my spiritual life where I really do believe that he's everything that makes sense to me but it can get a little tricky I mean you know you're walking past a six-year-old and he's getting shooken by current and getting based off the wall and abused and stuff I mean I can't just turn around and go oh that's God God is I mean, I've got to react to that situation or else people will get hurt. I just can't sit back and watch God come and rescue that kid. It's like the NFL players, you know, you watch them on TV and score a touchdown and they're jumping around and thanking each other and stuff and they are smacking each other on the butt. I mean I can't just walk into the bank and some girl standing in line smacking her on the but and going, god god is everything i mean i'll get locked up so there's sanity that has to come with this and i try not to get into that whole head game of working this stuff god is everything to me that makes sense to me today do you know when i know god is everything see at each point in my journey guys i shared a little bit about it with you before i think getting off the start with the third step back where kevin was that i was willing to kind of think okay if i'm going to move forward on this journey there's got to be a new center post and it can't be alcohol i mean that's the center i think i don't think aa is conceptual i think it's an experiential program it's based on action however there are some concepts in it that you know move belief into faith and stuff and i think the now this is just my opinion again yours might be different i think the most important concept in the whole of the program of alcoholics anonymous is the whole it's the centre post of my life that i had to get a new manager because the job that i was doing with my life was not working and i didn't fully i didn t fully accept that but i was willing to and again i've had to grow into that i've tried to grow into them and you know it's it's taking time it's taken action it's keeping hard work and i'm still never there 100 percent i took that prayer cabinet and i started moving on through my life and it's five years sober i told you i had a roadblock again and i'll tell you after accumulating i mean i'm the guy that walked in the alcoholics anonymous right i got a couple of black guys i got broken teeth i got no blacks i got all those things i mean I walked into the Alcoholics Anonymous for basically nothing and at five years so we're living back in america making six figures a year have been married i have a daughter i've lived independently you know and here i am again living in a little one bedroom apartment thinking is there a god is there and at five years i had a real major faith crisis on my hands it was a dark spiritual desert i went into where i couldn't i didn't know there was a god i really didn't and it was time to go deeper with this it was trying to revisit this i'm doing the other things in alcoholics anonymous i'm taking the actions i'm sponsoring a bunch of guys i've started a meeting i'm showing up about it every week i have a job i'm doing all those things but something doesn't feel right inside no two parts of alcoholics anonymous will work for the three-part problem that's going on here that i have if i want to get connected to god and live a life that's gonna have happiness joy and freedom like kevin promised me back at the beginning and i gotta do it all i gotta be submerged in this whole deal and it was time for me to go deeper and it was time because up until that point from the inventory and stuff that i've done with kevin i was like the little guy in amsterdam you know with his thumb in the dam in the day because you know if he takes it out it's going to explode i mean that's where my life looked like from years two to five and alcoholics and animals and taking the action if you keep taking the actions in aaa and have a sponsor and doing them things no matter what's going on inside you don't make it through it even if you're doing crazy sex stuff you know you know i watch guys do sex stuff but again i'm like that would kill me you know and they make it through and i didn't get it through with all my stuff i mean i created this whole aa persona you know in this whole false mask just another place to hide behind and you know i've done what kevin taught me to do five years he said see when you're getting it good tell us you're giving it good see when you're not getting a good tell us you're not getting it good and i reached out and asked for help and for the first time a man brought me through the whole program of alcoholics anonymous as it's outlined in this book and you know kevin got the monkey off my back with the inventory that the story thing and stuff and i'm very grateful to him for that you know i really am but i started getting down to causes and conditions i started to see the nature of my defects i started seeing the nature of my wrongs i started see really on a deeper level that my dishonesty my self-centeredness my selfishness and my fear was controlling my life from a place that i couldn't even see from the depths of my soul and it was my own behavior like it says here again you know um so our troubles we think are basically off our own making i remember them telling me that when i first came to the aa i wanted to believe you but i didn't know how that's why the fourth and the fifth step is so important so i can get to see why my troubles were off my own making and that's a promise that's a good thing because if my troubles were if you're making my troubles then i need you to change for me to change to get well and what they're telling me here is no i need the change to do well and it's going to come from action and if i take the action and have the belief in the faithful show up and i'll tell you guys you know how true the word began at that time that's that's in this book and it took maybe a different kind of power and I've revisited that work you know quite a few times over the years and I didn't really you know I didn't feel myself getting introduced to this new part of stuff at the time it took time going through the rest of the process the advance process and sponsoring guys and going through with them and stuff but like knives had surgery a few weeks ago I started December 1st and before I went into it you know i talked to bob and about doing another set of steps and he said it was a good idea and stuff and i did it was a brief set of stats for like maybe four resentments or something on the inventory and i done it immediately real quick i could feel the power right away i'm like damn that's that's pretty cool but my earlier experiences with the steps weren't like that it was slow you know because there's a burning off process that has to happen in here and I don't always feel the stuff burning off but after a period of time when I look back over my life you know, this new triumphant archway which I'm going to walk through a free man that talks about new triumfounded archway the triumfunded archway that they're talking about in here steps 4 and 5 walking through a clean man means I can't sneak anything through with me it's all got to get out on the table if I'm not going to get close to his power so I didn't get close to the power in the second step or the third step Things started to shift and change. It was walking on through this process and being an active member in Alcoholics Anonymous where the real changes started to happen. And I'll tell you guys, I'm going to finish on this and move it over to Bob. I want to tell this little story. You know, I was thinking about Bob when he said his sponsor made him shave his beard off. I had a nice perm and he told me to sleep it off no I didn't if I did you'd look better the other way guys I see many fruits of the third step in our way of life as I walk along the journey and what's happened for me is you know, you can make the steps and be a really beautiful, magical experience you can. Or you can do them ten and a half fast. You know, show up to your sponsors late and, you know you can take X amount of months to do your fourth I mean you can it whatever way you want. And I'm not saying there's any specific way to do it. But what I've learned to do with this process is honor just the same way as I honor my service commitments. Just the same as the way I honor my relationship with my sponsor all of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because if I don't respect something then it's going to work for me maybe for a while but if i say won't fall off and you can make the steps magical a really magical process you really can and that's what i started to do with this and what started to happen for me i started developing this really kind of relationship with this universe and this synchronicity and i had really started to see that god was in my life and that he had my back even with all my brokenness and my mistakes and from the guy that walked in the in the aaa with nothing in belfast not knowing who he was where he came from what he suffered from any anything at 10 years sober guys i got to see how god was working in my life in such a way it couldn't happen anywhere else when the alcoholics anonymous were good teachers and people leading the way and the process that we'll have here repeatedly doing it over and over and over again question myself sometimes why am i even doing this why do i need to go to my home group tonight and i'll tell you i was in a court federal court building at 10 years sober getting my american citizenship and i remember sitting there with a coat and tie on because you guys taught me how to dress in here when something important is happening in my life to show up like I'm a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I did I remember sitting there I was having a tough day that day and I was on my own and it was over 600 other people in that room and the judge came out now really don't like him because he's a judge you know I'm judging the judge you know and he blew me away because he was into what was going on he said you know I look out here and I see all four corners of the earth being represented here today. And he says, I bet you there's some stories in this room. And the tears started just coming down my cheeks when I started to think of walking in the Alcoholics Anonymous in the 81 Elizabethan Road and two guys standing waiting on me that night saying, are you new here? Well done. I remember them giving me the big book. I remember my life growing up in Belfast, all the things that I've been through and made it through. meeting kevin coming back to new york again things working out here with a whole different outlook on life getting the job having my daughter and i drove over to that court that day and i remember driving down the big brooklyn queens expressway and looking at the manhattan skyline and seeing the world trade center on a lot of the jobs and stuff that i've worked on and thinking wow look with god done in my life just because i get on my knees with another alcoholic if you haven't got underneath yet it doesn't say in here get on your knees it says the wording can be optional it can look many different ways but i think that's where the big change comes for alcoholics is when we say you know what my way no longer works the most pivotal moment in my journey by far there have been many defining moments but the most pivotal moment on my journey the most pivot point in my journey has been when i stopped taking my own advice that's all i had i'm bobbing alcoholic before we start to get rid of some fourth step phobia why don't we take a a break. This looks like a good place to do it. 10 minutes and 18 seconds.