Self-Centeredness as the Enemy of Sobriety – John S.

My sobriety date is January 5th, 1997. I moved to Baxter Group and I got a sponsor whose name was Walt. When I came here, I was told to go to meetings every night and I'd go and I would sit and I listen and I think, you know, I'd be listening to you guys and after a while I'd really like what I'm hearing and I want what you guys have and I wanna do that And it sounded so cool. And I'd go home, my sponsor, he told me to call him every night. And I get home right after a meeting, I'd call this guy, he'd be like, did you go to a meeting? I'd be, like, yeah. Did you sit up in front? Yeah. Did you listen to the lead? Yeah What did the guy say? And I would be,like, I can't remember, you know. I just couldn't remember nothing when I was new. But I remember a couple of things and the most basic thing I heard real early on was this one guy said that it's so simple what we do here. He said, you get a sobriety date and you keep it. Like just no matter what, just don't pick up that first drink and you never have to change that sobrietry date. Just get a subriety day and keep it, you know? I mean, that's all we do in here. It's so basic. One day at a time, we don't pickup the first drink, you now? And today, you kno, I mean today I want to keep my sobriery date and I did what I supposed to do today. um i don't know man i uh there's a guy here from my neighborhood that i used to drink with and when we were young we had a lot of fun you know but um i gotta tell you at the end it just wasn't fun no more and i i um and i didn't want to live the life i was living and and there was nothing i could do about it i just didn't think there was no way i could change it i couldn't stop drinking you know i'm an alcoholic i can't stop drinking i can' t stop drinking on my own i just can't do it you know and that was so frustrating for me when my life was really just bad at the end and everything was bad about it and i didn't like it and i didn' t want to do it no more and i just couldn't stop it i just didn't think there was no any other way you know i mean it's like the only way i knew and um doggone it you know if i didn't end up here and uh one day at a time you know I mean it works so like you guys that are new here tonight just like stay here get a sobriety date and keep it and they're like it it really works and my life's really good today um I grew up over here I grewup down on in Cleveland on East 71st Street, you know. And I had a mom and a dad and I have two older brothers and I am a twin sister and so growing up, I didn't know it at the time but I know what resentment is, you know, I always thought like this, my sister, she's the only girl, I always though she got better presents than me, you know like Christmas and stuff and I'd always be mad about that, you know and she was always smarter, she got better grades but you know she did her homework, you know and I never did that, either. And I had resentments as a kid. A couple of weeks ago at my home group, and he talked about how he learned to lie because he got away, he learned that if he lied, he could escape consequences. And when he said that, I thought to myself, you know, that's what I used to think too. You know, it's what I use to think when I was a kid, that when I lied, I got out of things and I escaped them. What I know today is that, you know, I didn't escape nothing because that stuff always stayed up there. It always stayed inside me. And so like the guilt of knowing that I lied or like if I'd get caught later on or if I have to lie later on to get out of the lie that I told. And at the end of my drinking, it was just lie, lie, lying all the time, you know. But I learned to do that when I was a kid and I was scared. I just fearful when I didn' t know something. I just hated looking stupid, you now. And I hated trying new things and I just had this like anxiety, anxious, kind of inside fear kind of thing going on. And when I got to be about, I don't know, teen eds, I used to think it was like I was older but the other day I thought about once when I was probably in 5th, 6th grade, 7th grade or something and by then I already knew what alcohol could do to me because we were at somebody's house after school and there was a bottle there. We were getting into the guy's parents' liquor cabinet and I drank a lot and I got really drunk and God, I couldn't have been, how old is that? 11, 12, something like that. So by that time already I knew what alcohol could do for me and I loved it. I loved what alcohol could do to me and I was surrounded by people like my whole life growing up. My parents, the people in the neighborhood, I had good teachers, I had coaches. I was active in sports. I had all these people trying to teach me how to live life on life's terms, how to give me tools to live with. And, you know, boy, when I found alcohol, I just loved it. And like who cared about having to learn all this other stuff, you now? It was a lot easier just to like put on a buzz and just forget about everything. And I learned that when I was a kid and I loved it, I loved the big book. in the big book when Bill Wilson starts talking about when he started drinking, I think it's in Bill's story. He talks about forming the habit. And with me, the habit was formed when I was young. And I went on through life. And as I went through high school, and when I first got to high school I was an honors student and I was active in sports, like I said. And by the time I was getting out of high school I wasn't an honors students. And I wasnít playing all the sports anymore. When I was in high school, my father passed away. He hadn't been sick a long time. And I remember that. I was at the hospital when it happened and my mom was by his bedside and my sister and one of my brothers were by my mom's side and I was over by the window and I said, And I was thinking, you know, way to go God. Some God you are. What am I supposed to do now? And what about me? And in the big book when it talks about alcoholism and it says that self-centeredness and selfishness is the root of our problem and when I look back at my life today, you know, I can see that when I was 16 years old already you know I was put in distance between me and my family, I was isolating myself and it was all about me it was like a real tragedy for my family and for my mom and everyone else but I just thought it was some personal thing with God against me And it's not like I stopped believing in God or anything, but I just didn't think he would have anything to do with me. I just Didn't think I could ever have a personal relationship with him, ever. And I go through life with that attitude. It's all about me. I'm going to drink to get away from, to escape. I'm gonna isolate myself from my family. And that's how my life went. I went away to college for a year, and I didn't do very good. I didn' t, you know, average. I partied a lot, and hung out with the people that partied. I ended up coming home. Boy, when I got back here, all my friends were working from high school, and they all had stuff. So I got a job, and went out, and got a bunch of stuff. You know, I wanted what they had. They looked pretty happy. So I went out. I got job. I got car. I bought my first car, a 1967 Ford Fairlane, really clean. I bought a Fender Stratocaster electric guitar and I bought this black leather jacket with all these zippers and studs and stuff. I was like an 18 years old skinny little guy and I was Like, I have arrived, man. I was so psyched. This was going to be my year because now I'm all set up. And I discovered all the bars down there, Fleet Avenue, Broadway, Polish Club. I used to just drink all the time. I worked second shift, 2 to 10.30, paradise. Get out at 10. 30, I'd be in the bar by 11, close them up every night, you know. And I was like 19 years old. I was 19 years older. And I'm pretty lazy. I don't like working. So after about a year, I was working second shift. But I'd go down to the Agora, and Thursday night was college ID night. And I'd have to pay, I don' t know, like two bucks or something, three bucks to get in. And all these kids were getting in for free. so I went back to college so I could get an ID and so I can get in for free and I started going back to school and I got laid off and I liked that and I went to school for a bunch of years and you know, by in the 80s and you don't know but you know I mean I had no direction in my life I mean I just didn't like to work and that's why I went to school I like to drink a lot you know and so I can hang out in the bars all the time and, you know, I would go to spring break and by this time my oldest brother lived in New Orleans so I'd be going down there for a Mardi Gras and Kentucky Derbies and just like wherever there was some kind of party going on that's where I would try to be and just no direction no career kind of path, family, nothing I just wanted a party you know um i ended up graduating and like you know bouncing around and i was in the bar one day my friend's older brother was there and he asked me if i wanted to be an insurance underwriter and i didn't even know what it was but i asked him like what were the hours and what it paid and it was like nine to five working in an office monday through friday i was like fine i'll do that and so i get this job and i got to dress up and uh you know then i'm really thinking now I've really arrived, you know. And I'd come into the bars down there on Fleet and I'd be like, oh, get everybody a drink, you know, Diamond John's in the house, you know, get everyone. And, uh, you know, like it says in the book, I made a host of fair-weather friends. You know, I made almost a, I knew all kind of people. And it was just like always about the party for me. I ended up after a few years, I got a little house down there in the neighborhood. You know, every now and then I could kind of like, you know, save my money and put together like a couple of good months and get a car or something. But for the most part, you Know, I had a decent job and I'm living paycheck to paycheck all the time. This is why I asked him to be my sponsor, but I learned how to play utility roulette. and that's where you're paying the one that they're going to cut off that month and you try to pay one a month and keep them all at the same time. Started missing house payments right away. Started learning that it was kind of normal to live with three out of four utilities on. That's how my life would go and I was at this job for like six and a half years and in the big book when it talks about the real alcoholic in there and it describes him and one of the things it says is that he builds up a promising career for himself and his family then pulls it down on his head in a series of senseless sprees and after six and a half years I went from being an underwriter trainee to like handling the biggest accounts in this office for this company and it was a really good job and I had a really good job and six and a half years I'm sitting across from my boss and his boss and they got this file and it's on me and it is in black and white And it's like all the days I missed, the times I called in sick, the times, you know, I called into take a vacation day, all the work I missed. And I'm sitting across from them and I'm thinking like, you know don't they know who, don't know who they're talking to? You know don' t they know who I am? Don't they now I got potential? You know? And I always say that about the potential because like when I came to AA and I was here like a week and I mean at one of my first meetings some guy gets up to make a comment and he goes to the lead he goes potential He goes, all that means is you haven't done shit yet. And when he said that, I was just like, ow. I was like, man, that's how I live my life, you know? I mean, that is what I would do. We talk about the three-inning ball player and that would be me. I could come in and make a good impression and dress up and look good for a little bit of time. But I could never sustain anything. I couldn't stay focused on anything. and it was only a matter of time before I was found out, you know. And then I'd have to lie and then all that stuff would start building up inside, you now. Then I ended up quitting that job and then I go through like a couple of jobs in a couple years and by this time I got roommates coming in and out and people coming in out of my house and, you known, I mean, it was just, it is a mess. You know, there's like a path between like all the garbage from the back door to the front room and like all the curtains are closed and everything just like garbage, newspapers pizza boxes, beer cans like everywhere, just everywhere it was horrible couldn't let my friends come over anymore couldn't see my friends anymore my family didn't want nothing to do with them and I'd be trying to dress up and go to work and you know I looked like heck and I ended up with another job and I was at this place for like 8 or 9 months and you now even the bars were like cutting me off from my bar tabs and stuff And it was just horrible. It was this time of the year in 96, and I ended up at this place. And the same thing, you know, my boss, the director of human resources, they called me in, they got the file, it's on me. Same story, you Know, every place I'd been in between there and then, missing days, not calling in, not showing up, look like heck. And this time these guys are like, we think you've got a problem. And in my mind, I'm like, you know, I got a problem, and I know there's insurance, and I know I can get help. And all I got to do is say, yes, I got a problema, and they're like, well, what do you think? And I go, and I'm thinking, you know, I got a problem, I can get help, and they ask me, what are you thinking? I open up my mouth, and what comes out is, I ain't got no problem, you guys have the problem. And if you'd only stay off my back or pay me more money, believe me and uh that made me yeah you know i was pretty mad about that they got me on a phone with a counselor at this um you know um treatment center down the street and uh and after about 10 minutes she's asking if i wanted to go to a hospital for to get detoxed you know and i was like i'm not that bad you know no i don't need that and uh but they got мне into an outpatient thing, an intensive outpatient treatment program. And it was three nights a week for three hours a night. And the first day I was there, they gave me a big book. They gave me a meeting schedule. They told me I'd have to go to meetings. I'd have to get phone numbers. I had to call somebody and get a sponsor. I'd to go through that book and work the steps. I mean at the first 10 minutes I was in treatment they laid it out for me exactly what I was going to have to do. And it turns out that's when I started doing that thing, you know, I've been sober. But then they gave me these two pamphlets, one on alcoholism and one on cocaine addiction. And they said, go read these tonight. And I did that. And after I read those, I was like, well, shoot, I understand this so well. I mean, I got it now. I don't need to do any of that other stuff. And I didn't. I didn' t do anything they said. And on January 1st, when one of my friends called and said, come on, let's go out. let's get a couple beers and I said oh I can't you know I'm in treatment now but okay um we'll just go for a couple of beers you know and I never read the book you know. I never went to any meetings. I didn't know you know in the doctor's opinion it talks about it. It talks about this phenomenon of craving that happens like when we put alcohol in our system and it happens to me and I didn' t know nothing about it today. I can look back and see it like perfectly you know I just went out for a couple of beers, and the next thing I know, it's, you know, once again, it's three, four in the morning. You know, I'm getting home. I'm trying to go to work. I got to go back to this group thing, and I don't say nothing because I'm scared, and I lie, and, and right before they let us go home, we had to leave them a sample that they were going to test, and...and I went home. That was a Friday night, and And I went home for the weekend thinking, you know, I'm busted. And the thing that was going through my head was that I was going to get thrown out of that group. They were going to fire me from work. You know, I had already filed bankruptcy to save like the house that I had. The house I got was built by my great grandparents or grandparents or someone. It's been in my family forever. So I'm like, well, my family is not going to want anything to do with me. So they're going to toss me out. I'm going to have nowhere to go. And I'm gonna be stuck all alone and I'm not gonna have nothing. And that's what I was thinking when I went home from that group that weekend. And I'm an alcoholic, and I'll tell you, it hurt, and I didn't like the way I felt, and I couldn't stop my mind from racing just thinking and thinking how am I going to get out of this and what am I gonna do and what Am I gonna say? And I am an alcoholic and I got no skills or tools or nothing to deal with this. I don't know how. I haven't been going to meetings. You know, I haven' t been praying. I don' t know nothing. And I do what I always do. I go out to get drunk, you know. And that last time I went out to get drunk just I couldn't stop it. Couldn't stop my mind no matter how much I drank, no matter how much I used that night, that next day I just could not stop that tape from playing over and over and over again, you now. And it was that, you know, the little prayer of God help me, you know. And I ended up staying sober for a day and I went back to that meeting and I didn't say nothing and I lied and they called me on it and I lied and uh this the nice counselors like john you're sugarcoating things john you whitewashing things oh john you know and she's asking me why i did it and uh and meanwhile the other counselor that was mean um because she was in aa and she was sober for 10 years she just celebrated 10 years and she went to meetings and she had a sponsor you know she worked the steps and she sitting off to the side we're in this you know in the group in a circle and right in the middle of but she just like does this little sarcastic kind of laugh. And all she says is, your life's in shambles. And the way she said it was just there was like no emotion to it. It was just, I don't know, what I heard was the truth, you know. What I heard wasn't true. And in my mind, this little thought like shoots through there that says everyone knows but you. And that hurt. And I didn't like to hear that. And I'll tell you, I know why today because I read the book. And in the book it says that more than anything, the alcoholic loves to lead the double life. And I've got to tell you, when I was at work and I'd be all dressed up in a suit and these people I'd been working with would be talking about their retirement plans and exercising and cholesterol and whatever, I'd sit there thinking what a bunch of squares these people are. I've had it going on because I can go out and run the streets all night and still make it to work. Then I'd out running the streets with these guys and I'd be thinking, like, what a bunch of crumbums. These guys don't even have jobs, you know? What am I doing with these guys, you now? And I'm thinking, I'm always thinking, see? That's my problem. I'm all over the place. I'm just getting over on all these people. And when that thought shot through my head that said everyone knows but you and that was the truth, I was just like, man, that just deflated me, you kno? That was crushing. And my sponsor says, you kow, Pride Bustin' Ego Deflating Program. And that's what we do here, you know. And so I'm walking out of that meeting and I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stop. I can'T stop drinking. And this girl that was sober and that was in that group, she's sober like two weeks. She goes, well, duh. You know, of course you can't start drinking. She goes we stopped. You know we admitted we were powerless. It's a we thing. She goes you got to come to a meeting with us. And I'm Like I can' t. You know my car is broke down. um you know it's just you know wine and just whiny so whiny and uh she's like well you made it here tonight and uh just come here tomorrow we're all going to a meeting and i got there the next night and all these people that were sober like a week or two weeks took me to a meeting and we get to this meeting and this guy gets up and he's talking and he is talking and at one point he goes you know all my life it was like i was fighting i was fighting everybody and everything it was like i was swimming upstream you know and finally i just got too tired i just couldn't fight nothing no more and i just had to throw up my hands and just go with that current let that current take me you know and he goes and that's like what it is with god's will you just gotta surrender and throw up your hands and just let the current take you you know and i identified with this guy i identified with the part about being so tired i just didn't want to fight nothing no more i was like so tired i was just like whatever you know whatever and these guys that were sober like a couple weeks they start taking me to meetings and they're walking around and they got like little books you know they're getting phone numbers i don't even have a book you know i got like a sheet of paper and i'm just like shuffling along after i'm like getting phone numbers you know and these counselors are on me they're like you got to get a sponsor so i call this guy you know the guy who talked about the utility roulette thing because I identified with that. And I'm like, you know, the counselor said I need a sponsor and he's like, yeah, whatever. He's like well, go to a meeting every day, call me every night and we'll see how it goes. He goes but write this down. He says it says in the big book and how it works. It says when you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it then you're ready to take certain steps. And he goes what do we have that you want that you'd be willing to go at any length to get. And as soon as he says that, I just go, a big screen TV. And he goes, what? And I go, man, I was at this meeting last night and this guy, he said he got a big screen TV because he's sober. I'm like, that's what I want. And He's like, dude, man, he's like just write it down and like put in your wallet, you know. He's like, man just, you now, just think about these things. And so that's what I did and I started going to meetings, you know. And I started go into meetings like every day and he'd always like be on me. And he'd be like, you've got to sit in the front row. He's like, You're never going to pay attention for an hour anyway, but if you're in the font row, you'll be facing the right direction when you come to. And I'd get all mad. And he would always be trying to get me. I'd say something and he'd go back out, finish the job, come back when you're serious. And I would get so mad at this guy. I'd see him out at this meeting and I still see him. It's tonight. So I won't see him tonight. But on Saturdays I see him and still I'd drive out, it's out in Willoughby and I'd be driving home and I would be so mad at this guy I'd get so mad and I'll be like that's it I'm going to stay sober just to come back he doesn't think I'm gonna stay sober I can not believe this guy he doesn' t think I am serious I'm staying here I'd got so mad you know one day I was walking home from a meeting and it was cold so it still had to be pretty early because I got sober in January it was still snowing and cold and what I was thinking what shot through my head was my mom and this was right before my father passed away and she was yelling at me for taking me aside and she's like all he does is worry about you and he's really sick and what i thought about was what a horrible son i was because 20 years later there's this restless spirit up there that still has to worry about his 36 year old son you know, and I was thinking about my mom and she was up in her upper 70s at the time and I'm thinking like she's got to worry about me too and that ain't right, you know. And I was think about what a horrible son I was but I had gone to a couple meetings that day and after one the guy was talking about sharing his story and he tried to commit suicide at one point and he called his mom and she said you're in God's hands now and she hung up the phone and then after being sober for five years he graduated from college and his mom and dad were in the front row and they were really proud of him you know and I thought about the lady I heard had just came from the lead and she was talking about her parents and they had been sick and how her brother was there trying to take care of them and he's running around rushing around trying to get them stuff and uh you know can I get you anything and they're like no it's okay because Penny's here now and the thought that came to me was that you know what you guys had was that you guys knew how to be good sons and good daughters, you know, and good brothers and sisters and stuff like that. See, you guys knew how to do that and I didn't. You know, some guy got up here when I was new and he said, you can't think your way into a new way of acting but you can act your way into a New Way of Thinking. And I had to do these things and I had watch you guys and I thought, you know when I heard that I thought okay, I can do that. You know? I can try to do it and I can't do that and I would try to do that but I couldn't do it because I didn' t know how to be like a good son was you know and i had to come here to watch you guys to see how you guys did it so then i could copy you guys and do what you guys didn't you know and that's what i do today you know i don't drink and i go to meetings you know i heard this lady get up once when i was really new and she was sober a long time and she goes yeah i read my 24 hour book three times third time out loud every morning did it when I was new still do it today and I started and I had somebody had given me a 24 hour book so I started reading it every morning three times third time out loud and somebody said you got to get on your knees and pray and ask God to keep you sober in the morning and do it again at night and I always forget when I wasn't when I knew that I was supposed to do that and you know I'd be laying in bed it'd be nice and warm I'd been like oh yeah I gotta pray and I'd start praying and then I'd being like oh wait I'm supposed to be on my knees and i have to get out of bed and get down there and and do it but you know after about a week or so this one day i just felt something inside and it wasn't like i was going to get sick or have the dry heaves or anything it was like after a while i was like that feels good you know and i felt good doing it and then i think for me that's really significant because the first time i really felt good in aa you know i didn't know what good was i couldn't identify with the feeling you know i didn't know what it was and but i liked it i knew that i like feeling good and i like it today and that's how i try to live my life like you guys taught me so i can feel good you know all the stuff i did there's like new people here tonight you know there's some effort and some work involved working the steps you know calling a sponsor my sponsor he told me to call him every night You know, I didn't just pick up the phone and call some strange guy that I didn' t know and said, you know, Hi, my name's John. I want to talk about my feelings. You know? I mean, I did' n't do that. I mean I called this guy every day for a year and talked about sports or the Browns or whatever. You know. I mean it took a long time for me but I did what I was told. You know ? I didn''t want to go back. Get a sobriety date and keep it. You know I wanted to stay here. And I'll tell you after about a year and a half when I was like really hurting one day before i knew anything i was on the phone talking to this guy i don't know how it happened because i knew how to dial his number and just picked up the phone and called him because it's what you guys told me to do and it's a lot of work but it's worth it it's worthy because today my life is like really good like my life is really good i just can't and i love getting up here and talking because it likes you know if you catch me like you know three in the afternoon when I'm at work and my boss is yelling at me, I may not say my life is really good, you know. But like when I think about it and when I get to share about it, it's like my life isn't good today. You know, my neighbors don't call the cops on me no more. My family, they want me around. You know. Work doesn't want to fire me. I got a dog. I mean, it's just like it's not like, man, I got good life today. A good solid clean life, you now. And it's a lot of fun. I have great fun here in AA. You know with my friends. You go to conferences, you know, go to Founders Day, go to meetings. Man, I don't know. It's really, it's just really good. I highly recommend it to anybody that's new. It's like stay here. Stay here and don't give up when it seems really bad because like the really worst time is like early sobriety. When I stopped drinking, I was telling this guy before the meeting, when I stopped and I got sober and then I could look around and see what a mess I had made in my life. I mean, it was really bad. That was like the worst time, you know? But I had stopped doing stuff to add to the bad side and little by little, it gets cleaned up and really, like little by Little, you know, it just takes time. But I heard somebody say, or I read it in a book or something, you know if you give up, you never know how close you were to where it was going to happen for you. you know you never know if it was like the next meeting the next handshake the next time you pick up an ashtray the next anything you know and I mean if you give up I mean you just never know if like that next moment was going to be like the one that's just going to shoot you over the edge and make your life really good I was at a meeting not too long ago some guy said a prayer I just boy I don't know how it goes exactly but I thought it was really cool and he said you know God you've given me so many things if you could give me one thing more just give me a grateful heart you know and I thought that was such a cool prayer because that is such a cool thing for me to pray for today and I just really want to have a grateful hearth and want to thank you guys for being here Bob thanks for asking me to talk guys thanks for being here when I got here and let's close with the Lord's Prayer