Self-Centered Fear Had Me Rehearsing Conversations Before Walking Into Any Room – Sarah K.

Take me where the promise stands. Alcoholics. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on AABlueChipSpeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. So, I've been seeing this lady for several years at different meetings and I've always been impressed that I always see her doing service work and helping, talking to other ladies. And so, tonight I give you Sarah. Hey everyone, my name is Sarah and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks to a loving God sponsorship and actions taken at Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't had a drink since April 3, 2010. And I'm very grateful for this. I hate doing this, but thank you, Lisa, for asking me to tell my story. And welcome to anybody who's new in Alcoholics Anonymous. Welcome, Zoom baby. I'm really happy that you're here. When I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous 11 years ago, I had no intention of staying here. I did not trust you guys. I was very suspicious of everybody here. And I thought that this, this was a program meant to help me manage my drinking. So, I was really confused why people were telling me not to drink entirely. I was like, well, you can drink a little bit, right? So, I mean, that was my attitude coming in AA and I didn't completely commit to this thing. I kind of was on the coast, like outside of Alcoholics Anonymous. And things got really miserable really fast for me. And I'm grateful that I had a sponsor at the time, kind of, who became like my full sponsor eventually who waited, you know, and took her time with me. You know, she wasn't just like, oh, you're hopeless. You know, she took her time and she stayed with me and she sponsored me. So, I'm really grateful for her because I'm still here and I'm grateful to be sober today, even though I don't act like it all the time. But, so I'm supposed to share in a general way what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like. today um and hopefully you know share about how I established my relationship like Lisa was just talking about with a higher power um a power greater than myself because I can't I I can't stay sober like that's my problem I tried over and over countless times here and second all the different situations I put myself in to try to stay sober I just couldn't figure it out um so I came here um so I was um I'm born and raised I was born and raised in Milwaukee Wisconsin um I I love Milwaukee I was just there actually recently visiting my family um I did not like Milwaukee when I was leaving at Milwaukee eight years ago to move to Atlanta I was like this place sucks I can't wait to move to Atlanta and now I miss home a lot and and you know I think it's because of Bucks I got there when the Bucks were in the finals and so everybody was like losing their minds yeah too bad too bad but um anyway yeah I mean I had a really good childhood both of my parents are immigrants to the United States um my dad's from Somalia he's from Somaliland which is like a unrecognized country uh north of Somalia and um my mom's from Ethiopia and I was raised Muslim um so growing up I felt really um you know like what I was like I felt really uncomfortable um I my first sponsor described me as a chronic malcontent she she told me that I um you know I I you know you're never satisfied completely what you're given in life even if it's what you wanted in the first place like even if this is what I wanted to have I'll find something wrong with it and that's how a lot of my childhood was you know I I didn't like where my parents were from I didn't like that they didn't speak English at home um I was really embarrassed where I lived in town I was a kid that got bussed into the suburban schools um in Wauwatosa which is like a neighboring suburb in Milwaukee and um and I was always embarrassed about that and and I I didn't like who I was I had a friend named Emily in school and and I just remember I really wanted her life like um I just always was looking at you and comparing you know people was talking about comparing people's outsides to our insides and I did that constantly as a kid like you have it better than me like you have a better life um and I don't want my life I remember being really resentful uh during the holidays because I had to like fast for Ramadan and I thought that was such crap everyone was getting like presents for Christmas and then I grew up in a Jewish Orthodox neighborhood in Milwaukee and so they get like presents for like a week for Hanukkah and so it just was it was I didn't think it was fair I was like this is crap like I don't want to pray at this many times today it's too much and I don't want to go to the mosque and and so I that was like my first big resentment was my my family's religion and and now I'm like I don't want to go to the mosque I'm not really liking like where I was where my family my background um and you know like those things don't make me an alcoholic I just want to make that clear what makes me an alcoholic is my reaction to alcohol like I have cousins who have the same background as me and are fine like they're great like they function well deciding you don't have to drink the way that I drank um but like what makes me an alcoholic is my reaction to alcohol um you know once I start drinking I cannot stop for the life of me I'm not going to stop for the life of me I'm not going to and um and I cannot quit entirely like I tried so many times over and over to quit entirely just swear it off I wrote like calendar you know invites to myself to stop drinking post-its um weird situations I would put in to stop myself from drinking but those are the things so I just want to be clear about that um because my background doesn't make me an alcoholic it's it's just that I don't know if I was born with this I just have it in my blood I don't know but those are the things that make me alcoholic and I'm out of control when it comes to drinking um so you know um my first I kind of got introduced to alcohol when around age seven um my dad was it still is a huge Green Bay Packer fan he'd watch the games and um during the games I would notice he would always have a beer um he wasn't he's not really practicing most of my mom is but he he doesn't really care um and so he would drink beer and like um you know you know just curse a lot during the games it's really it's a lot of fun really loves the Packers and it's the only time I hear him really swear a lot and so he would go to the bathroom and I was just instantly attracted to alcohol I don't know what it is about me but it's just something that I saw the fuzziness the bubbliness of it I just I liked like I liked beer like I was when I came into AA I was 30 pounds heavier than I am now because I just drank beer all the time sometimes hard liquor but mostly just drinking tons of beer and I just loved the taste of it since I was like seven years old and so I'd take a swing of his beer when he'd go to the bathroom and he'd come back and and he'd be like why is my beer like missing a little bit out of it and um I just really was attracted to that so I remember that as I got older into my teens I remember that taste like I wanted that um I'd see people on TV and I'd be like you know enamored by them wanting to do what they did and um and so when we were when I was about 10 9 10 we moved up to the school and I was like I want to do what I want to do and I was like I want to my dad was obsessed with um getting us my parents both my parents are obsessed with getting us the best education possible I'm grateful to him for that but I was not at the time I was really angry because I don't like change he he you know first had us like leave all the kids from our neighborhood in Milwaukee to go out to these suburban schools like um have us bussed out and then then we moved to the suburbs when it's he owns a business in Milwaukee and we get um you know we we moved to the suburbs and we moved to the suburbs and we moved to the suburbs and we moved to a different part of town so that we you know upward mobility like that was what my dad was about like doing better and um and I don't like change at all so I rejected that constantly over and over again anytime he was trying to improve our education and put us in some program I I just like the same thing like don't change stuff like I I don't I eat the same thing every day like I get the same food item at my favorite restaurant every time I don't like change I eat oatmeal every day that's how I like it and so he he he was like I don't like change I don't like change I we moved out to the suburbs, and I hated it, and I rejected all of that, and I wanted to move back in town, I wanted to be close to my friends, and so I was introduced to this entire new area of Milwaukee, and, you know, by the time I was 13 or 14, I had made, I make friends, like, I'm okay with making friends, but I still have this, like, feeling of feeling different, and not fitting in, and uncomfortable, and I meet this other girl, another friend named Emily, and by this point, I'm starting to figure out ways to take alcohol from my dad, my dad just would, we'd have a fridge in our garage, and he would put alcohol in there, and I was just curious about it, you know, like I said, when I was little, I wanted it right away, and so I would go into the garage, and I would take alcohol from the refrigerator, and I do it in really, like, theft is a big part of my story, I just, I I just took things from people regardless of if it was your property or not. Like, I just didn't care because I wanted to continue drinking. Drinking was my obsession. That's what I wanted, and I wanted to feel that way forever. So I would go into my parents' refrigerator and steal alcohol, sometimes pour water in to, like, balance it out, make it look like I wasn't drinking any of the alcohol. My dad had, like, a box of beer, and I'd go to the back of the box and, like, pull it open and take beer from it and then glue it back and then take it, like, right up to my room and drink it. So my friend Emily, going back to her, told me that her parents were out of town. I was 14 years old. She told me her parents were out of town and that we would have full access to their liquor cabinet. And so she had one of those parents that just kind of didn't care. Like, my parents cared a lot. They just were always there. They're always, like, wondering what we were doing. And so I was like, I'm going to go sleep over at my friend Emily's. I hope that's okay. And they're like, yeah, sure. Like, you know, go make friends. And so I went over to my friend Emily's house, and I will never forget that liquor cabinet. I still remember what it looks like today. I mean, it was like a huge, like, counter with glass and then just tons of alcohol, a refrigerator at the bottom. And I don't think that non-alcoholics think that way. Like, my husband... My husband isn't an alcoholic. I don't think he thinks about drinking that way. In fact, he, like, keeps alcohol for the longest time. It drives me nuts. And I'm just like, you know, he just barely ever drinks. He, like, slowly drinks wine, like, over years. And so, like, that... I mean, so I remember my first drunk. I was 14, and so we started mixing all these different drinks, and I didn't care. I just wanted to get drunk. And what happened to me that night... It just... I mean, it was... Alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself, basically. You know, my friend Emily probably had a really good time. Like, she probably felt really good. But what alcohol does for me is that it takes away all that chatter, like, all that head stuff, all those differences that I had between me and you, all the things that I thought about myself. I was just good with you. I was good with you. I was good with the universe. I was good with... With just life. Life was fine. Like, I didn't have... I wasn't worrying. I'm a huge worrier. I was always worrying about stuff. I didn't worry about anything when I drank. All of that went away. And why wouldn't I want to do that all the time? Like, why wouldn't I want that all the time? And so, the unfortunate thing, though, what happened was is that once I start drinking, I can't stop drinking. And I didn't realize that was what my condition was at the time. I didn't know that I had alcoholism. Until I walked into the rooms of AA. I still didn't think I was an alcoholic. And so, yeah, I just drank that night, got really sick, projectile vomited, and just started over again. I was one of those people who projectile vomited and was like, great. Like, I got it all out. I can drink more stuff now. And so, I did that that night. And, you know, she stopped after a while. And I woke up the next morning feeling horrible. Like, the worst I'd ever felt in my life. I never had felt a hangover before. So, the first time feeling that, I was like, I never want to feel this again, but I want to do that again. Like, so that outweighed, like, the pain outweighed, like, how good alcohol made me feel. And so, I chased that. It wasn't, it was immediate. Like, my, I think I drank for maybe nine years because my drinking was so progressive. It was so immediate. And I wanted it all the time. And I would go to any lengths to get it. And I wouldn't. I started to do really sneaky things. And my dad hired me at his business. He runs a company called City Oil in Milwaukee. And it's a heating oil business and also the gas station. So, I worked at a gas station during all college, or high school. And every weekend, I would work at this gas station. And I would go into the register and take money out of his cash register. And he provided, my brother, I have an older brother, I should mention, I'll talk about him later in my story, but he provided us with a vehicle. Like, my parents care about us. Like, they want the best for us. They want to do everything they can for us. So, you know, like, we let them get to school, let them, you know, go to, like, all their extracurricular activities. So, they provided us with a car. And I abused that immediately. I was, I just took things and I abused them immediately. So, I would take, I would go to work, take money from my dad's business every week. Take that money. During my lunch break, drive into the inner city of Milwaukee and pay people to buy me alcohol. Like, that's at 16. Like, that was my first thinking of how to get, how do I get more alcohol? Well, I'll just, like, go pay people to get me alcohol using my dad's stolen money. Like, that was my first thought process. And I just, it just became norm. I did that for weeks and weeks and weeks. My drinking kept progressing and progressing. And kids started to notice. Like, we'd have free periods at school as you got older in high school. And I would disappear during those free periods. And I'd go drink and I'd come back to school drunk. And people started to pick off on it. I remember one teacher who I made amends to years later from high school who had said that she knew, like, she knew. I didn't think anyone knew. I was like, I'm being so secretive about this, passing out in my car, you know. And she knew something. She's like, I knew something was up. She's like, she's like, I don't know. She's like, I knew it. But, yeah, like, it got really bad really fast for me in high school. And by the time I was 17, I had crashed two vehicles. And by that point, my parents were just like, yeah, no more. You just can't drive cars. Like, you just can't do that. But I would figure it out. I'd always figure it out. Before I got my car taken away, I went to, I remember going to a party with some friends of mine. And I was supposed to be the deputy. And I was supposed to be the designated driver. And I got to the party. And I just was like, you know, I'll just have, like, everyone's drinking. Like, this is, I don't want to just stand here. And so I had one drink, which turned quickly into, like, 8 to 10. And my friends had to drive me home. I was the designated driver. They had to drive my car back to my parents' house. And someone else followed them so that they could get a ride back to their car. I just inconvenienced people all the time. I didn't care. And I remember I was kind of in, like, a brownout, blackout that night, coming in and out of it. And my friend dropped me off at my parents' porch. And I just, one thing I clearly remember from that night, and I love my mom more than anything in the world. But she, that night, she was crying. Like, what do I do with you? Like, what are you doing to us? Stop doing, like, she thought it was America. Like, she's like, this country's ruining my child. Right. But it was really, it's just, I'm an alcoholic. She doesn't, I don't know what I have. She doesn't know what I have. I should have stopped drinking at 17. Like, if I think about it, like, looking back today, although I don't regret my, I try not to regret any of my past. It happened the way that it happened. Like, I was really a bad alcoholic at 17. I was breaking into my friends' houses when I knew that their families were gone because we're friends, taking their alcohol, just doing whatever I could to get to alcohol. By that point, my parents were. Starting to get really worried about me, clearly. I mean, it wasn't, things were not good. And they took me to this program that basically kind of scared kids straight, you know, for a while to get out of whatever they're getting. And I think I walked into that program for, like, a second. And I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done. Like, I saw a police officer. I saw some kid in handcuffs walking by with, like, handcuffs on their ankles, too. And I was just like, I can't. I don't want this to be my life. And so, I think at that moment, I had kind of, like, you know, it talks about in our AA book, you know, like, the guy with his carpet slippers. You know, I stopped drinking, like, for a period of time. And I thought that I was okay. Like, I got my stuff together. And one thing I always tried to maintain was my education. Thankfully, my dad embedded that in us somehow. And I got into school. I got into college. I got into college. I got into college. I got into college. But I was dry. I was super dry. Like, I was isolating from all of my friends because I did not know how to act sober with groups of people. That's what alcohol... I had a lot of friends because of alcohol. I was very social when I drank. But, like, it was so hard for me, by the way, to come into alcohol because now I'm sober. That's why I was like, is this the best... Can we just drink a little? Like, I just couldn't... I used to, like, rehearse before going to meetings, like, talking to people. Like, that's how much I could drink. I used to have a lot of anxiety and, like, fear I had of other people. And I still have a lot of anxiety. That doesn't... It didn't go away 100%. And I don't think it ever will. I'm a human. But, anyway, yeah. So, when I was 17, I applied to schools. I got into college. I went to university. And when I got to school, I thought, just like it talks about in the big book, I thought, I'd given enough time away from alcohol. I think I can drink again normally. And I think I did for, like, a month. I think I did. And I held on to that month forever. I was like, but that month, you drank normal that one month for years after that. And so, yeah, I went back to school. And it got bad after a month. People thought it was funny at first. And alcohol, again, started to become the center of everything. I love... I don't identify with Bill W. as a person, but I love his story because the way that he talks about the progression of the illness and the way that it progressed for me from age 17. Until I walked in to AA when I was 23, it just kept progressing and kept progressing. Like, just taking away parts of my life. Taking away parts of my life. And that's what alcohol does. It takes away all the happiness, everything from our life. And it's like a disease. And it infects people around us, too. And so, you know, I was going to school in Indiana, but I transferred back to University of Wisconsin, which is where I went to school for all my school, which is a huge party school. And immediately, my drinking was seen as abnormal, even though I was at a big party school. Like, a big party school. I remember, I was in the dorms my sophomore year, and this girl next to me, Paige, who became a good friend of mine, and she saw me. She started to notice my drinking. And one day, she said to me, like, I think that you have kind of a problem with alcohol. And this was first person who ever, like... Outwardly said that to me. And I remember just, like, thinking, my first instinct in my head was, like, you need to stay away from Paige. Like, stay away from Paige. She's going to get in the way of your drinking. Like, it is the most... It was the most important thing to me. Like, that it was that lubricant of every... It was like, it was my lifeblood. And so, I was like, you got to watch Paige. She's something's up with Paige. And so, I... Yeah, I just drank really recklessly. I went to college, and a lot of people did, and that kind of just was a way of life. But mine was getting... I was getting more and more depressed and kind of going inward and inward. You know, like, I would... I started to realize that things were getting bad. And I started to see a psychiatrist at school. I was starting to get anxiety attacks and some depression, too. And I went to the psych... And I never told psychiatrists or psychologists at school, really, like, what the whole truth... Like, I never told everybody the whole story. Because if you knew the whole story, if you really knew who I was, then what am I... Like, I'm screwed, you know? So, I would tell them inch by inch, little by little. And they'd identify me with having some sort of issue. And so, this lady gave me this sheet that says, think before you drink. And I would take it out to drink with me. And I would mark, like, you know, how many drinks I was having. Until it got... So excessive that I was embarrassed to write it down anymore. And so, you'd see, like, the next day, I'd, like, cross it out. And, like, it was all crossed out and scribbled and stuff. And so, I'd bring it back to her, kind of erased with, like, three drinks. Oh, it's always three drinks. And she was like, okay, you know, maybe you don't have that big of a problem with alcohol. And so, I mean, that's kind of what I just... I tried to hide it from people. I would go to parties, and I'd be so anxious and uncomfortable that I'd drink right away. Or sometimes pre-game, before I'd even go to the party. And then people would, you know, play drinking games, which I hated drinking games. Because it was such a waste of time. Like, I just thought, like, it took forever to drink. And so, I would just end up staying home and drinking. Because that's how I could drink for real. Like, you guys didn't get to... Like, I didn't want anyone to see how I really drank. Eventually, I had moved out of the dorms and moved in with a group of girlfriends. And it kind of was the same situation where I... I would, you know, just drink recklessly. My friends all had gone home for the summer one summer when I was living with, like, my closest friends from high school and stuff. And that whole summer, I was working... I was living in, like, in a basement apartment where we rented. I don't know why we rented a basement apartment. It was really depressing. And then we'd work at... I'd work at a grocery store next door, which was also in a basement. So, I'd just, like, go to the grocery store, which was in a basement. And then I'd drink at my house, which was in a basement. And it was just a really dark... It was a really dark, depressing summer. And so, I started to, you know, introduce pills. Like, that's when, you know, I started to take Adderall because my roommate had some in her room. And she was out for the summer. She just left it there. And so, I just, you know, thought, well, you know, I've heard that I can drink more if I have this. So, I'll take it. And it made me feel good. So, I started taking that, you know, alongside drinking and drinking by myself. And I'm an anxious person. I've never been, like, a calm, laid-back person ever in my life. That's why I think alcohol works so well for me because it just relaxes me constantly. And so, I don't know. I just don't do well with that type of medication at all. And I took it one day. I was taking it for a couple weeks, I think. But I took it a lot one day while I was drinking. And I woke up the next morning after sleeping just a few hours with the worst panic attack of my life. I think I had, like, little bits of panic attacks here and there. But it was, like, a full-blown panic attack where my heart was, I felt like my heart was coming out of my chest. And I thought I was dying. And I called the police on myself, which is what you do, I guess, when you're having a really bad panic attack. And the look on the paramedics' face when they came to the apartment that I was at was just like, what is wrong with you? Like, I looked insane. I had been drinking just nonstop, taking pills. And I remember getting to the hospital and the doctor there giving me some sort of sedative to calm me down and me thinking, like, hey, you're fine, you can go home. And I just, I was terrified. Like, I didn't want to be by myself. Like, that is the worst feeling, like, not wanting to be by yourself. And that's how I felt. I didn't trust myself. Like, why can't I not drink? You know, why am I drinking this way? Why am I using my friend's pills this way? Why am I, you know, smoking? I was smoking nonstop. I was just kind of, I wasn't eating well. I was sick. And so, of course, like, I thought right away, you know, it's my environment. So let me move out of the apartment that I live in and just change my environment because that's what it is. It's like my surroundings. It's not me. It's never me. And so I moved into, I had a friend who lived right around the corner at a co-op. So a co-op is short for cooperative living. And they're very common. And I lived in. I was in Wisconsin at the time. There's a whole cooperative organization that runs all these houses. They're a lot like fraternities or sororities, but they're more for people who enjoy alternative lifestyle and are laid back and believe, like, you know, everyone should be together. And so I thought this is the place I need to be. I need to be at a co-op. Like, this is my solution. And so my friend Elizabeth lived in a co-op. So I started to membership at this co-op in Brogia, which is. I just realized. This means drink of the gods. And so I moved into a Brogia co-op. And, of course, there I was. Like, I didn't go away. Like, my alcoholism was still full blast there. I started to have the shakes. I was at dinner, I remember, one night just shaking. I was like, what's going on? Like, what's wrong? And I had a drink and it just went away. And so I started to realize that I was starting to have these really bad withdrawal symptoms, like, midday into the afternoon. And I needed to. I had to continue to drink and my drinking was at the point where I'm going to hurry up and get sober. My drinking was at the point where it was. It was really. Yeah, it was constant nonstop that I needed to take from other people in order to continue my habit. And so I lived in this co-op with 30 other people. We had a lot of parties and people would buy their own alcohol and put it in. We had two fridges. We had a common fridge. Where we had shared food agreements and stuff and pay for food together and people would cook. And then we had a personal fridge where people buy their own stuff and put it in the personal fridge, label everything. I noticed that people would put alcohol in the personal fridge, which I was obviously interested in. And so right away, I started to take alcohol from the personal fridge. And I started to do it late at night when nobody was around or in the middle of the night and start taking it to my room. Like, we each had our own room. We had our own rooms and stuff, kind of like a dorm and had common spaces. And I would take the alcohol upstairs to my room and I'd drink it and then supply it with my own, like, pay for my own alcohol, too. And people started to catch on. Like, if you start taking people's things from them, they notice. Like, people will notice when their stuff starts missing. And so I started to hear people talking about it in the house. Like, is somebody taking your alcohol? Like, because my alcohol is going missing. And I remember really clearly. I remember really clearly one day looking at the, like, getting one of my personal items from the fridge. And somebody had posted, like, a sign on the fridge that said, if you need help, please let us know. Like, we can help you. And I remember thinking in that moment, I really need help. Like, I need help. I just don't know how to ask for it. I don't know what to do. There was a whole house meeting about it. I sat in this house meeting and I pretended that I was getting alcohol stolen from me, too. I was like, yeah, me, too. Like, someone's taking it. My stuff, too. That's crazy. And so, like, people wanted to set up cameras. People were angry. And so, you know, I know that I, you know, like, it's funny now. But at the time, I was living, it was hell. Like, I was just constantly watching my back. I was like, someone's going to find out. I had to throw out stuff. Like, I was hiding stuff. And, you know, thinking about what happened so I can get sober. You know, nothing. Nothing miraculous happened. I was in school. I wasn't really making it to class. I wanted to die. Like, that was what happened. I don't know how else to put that. I always get emotional talking about getting sober. But, yeah, I was completely out of my mind. I was having agoraphobia. Terrified of groups of people. I had such fear of you. I had, I just, I couldn't really leave except just to go get alcohol. That was, like, my only ambition in life. And I was just completely miserable and tired. And I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because of just Google search. Like, I Googled alcoholism. And I went into this chat room. There was, like, an AA meeting chat before Zoom and all this world that we have today. This was in 2010. And there were people overseas who just couldn't get to a meeting. And they thought that I was, like, living. They weren't in America. And they're, like, what is wrong with you? Go to a meeting. Like, go to an in-person meeting. And, like, they didn't even see what I looked like. And they knew I was bad. They were, like, you need to go find a person in alcohol. Like, you need to go to a face-to-face meeting. And so I looked up, like, Madison AA. And I saw that there was a clubhouse that was just a couple blocks. 511, it was called. It was, like, 511 Carroll Street. It was right around the corner from where I lived. And I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. I could not go there by myself. I would look at the meeting schedule, and I'd be, like, okay, next week. Okay, next week, I'll go. Okay, next week. And then I never really made it to the meeting. And so I sat in my room, and after a couple weeks had passed, I had just made a call, just called up MAKO, which was Madison Area Intergroup Central Office. They had a hotline. And I love a hotline. It saved my life. This woman picked up the phone, and all I said to her was, I think I have a problem with alcohol, like, question mark. And she kind of was, like, okay, I'll have somebody call you back right away. And somebody called me back. I was, like, yeah, right, no one's going to call me back. Somebody called me back in, like, 30 minutes. And her name was Jennifer. And she said to me, what's going on? And I said, you know, I have a problem with, I think I have a problem with drinking. And so she said, okay, do you want to go to a meeting tomorrow? It was a Wednesday. There was a Thursday night meeting in Wanakee, which is right outside of Madison. And I was, I said yes. I said yes, and then I thought to myself, you better get as much as you can in tonight before you get to that meeting. So I drank that night, and it wasn't my last drink. I drank while I was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It sucks. I'm sorry if you're there right now. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to pick up fake chips. It's uncomfortable. It's the worst place to pretend to be sober. And so she picked me up. I was super scared. She's a really happy lady, really nice, smiling. I just remember her just being, like, I had all these images in my mind of what she would be like. Like, she's going to be like, no, we don't want you. Like, something like that. Like, just, like, get out of here. We don't want you. And so she's like, hey. And so she took me. And it was 30 minutes. It's from my house. Wannakee is this little town outside of Madison that, when you drive there, it's like you're driving through farmland, like dairy land. And it smells like poop. It smells terrible, like the entire ride there. But it's a long ride, and I'm grateful for the ride. Because I'm serious. I'm going to try not to laugh. But, like, she asked me what's going on. And she told me her experience. Like, this was the first time I'd gone to a lot of people, talked to a lot of people about drinking, but never really telling them about my drinking. And she told me what she felt like. And I had never identified with someone in my life. And I was like, you have what I have. Like, she talked about panic attacks. I was, like, floored when she talked about panic attacks. She talked about the amount that she drank. She talked about, you know, just, like, being uncomfortable all the time. She talked about being afraid. I had some weird phobia of driving at the time. I thought I was just going to crash the car suddenly. She talked about having fears of groups of people. She talked about her fear a lot, and I just identified so much with her. And so she planted, like, a seed for AA. Like, did the perfect job. Because it was the first time I heard someone else's experience who was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. She was only a year and a half sober. Like, looking back today, I was like, wow. She knew so much about the Big Book and just knew the program inside. She knew how to get it out. I'm so grateful that she was put in, like, that somehow I crossed her path. She was put in my life. And, yeah, and so she took me to my first meeting. It was, like, terrified relief to be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a lot of guys. It was a guy-heavy meeting. And a lot of them were wearing hunting gear. I just remember seeing a lot of flaming orange. Even though I don't think it was hunting season, I think it was just, like, the style of clothing that people were wearing at the time. But everybody was really nice. And I just remember being, like, a group of women, some of them I know still today, who I talk to today, coming up to me and welcoming me to Alcoholics Anonymous. Like, we're so glad you're here. Do you want to come into action tomorrow night? It's another meeting. And so I said, yeah. Okay. I didn't know what day it was. I was like, okay. So I went to another meeting the next night, and I was there for three hours. Because I was terrified again of being by myself. I hated being by myself in AA, or before AA, and in early recovery. Like, I just couldn't stand being in my skin. I had no solution at that time. And so I went to that meeting, and then eventually this woman, Jennifer, told me to call her every day. She said, I can be your sponsor. And she told me she could be my sponsor. And I said, okay. I don't know what that is. And so she said, just come over. You know, call me. Call me every day. Just let me know how it's going. I'll do these, like, set of things. She asked me to pray. She asked me to call other women in AA. She said, go to meetings, and let me know how it goes. And let's meet once a week. The most important thing she said to me, let's meet once a week at my house to start going through the book. And so I go to her house every Friday, like, noon or 1 o'clock. I just, I didn't have a car. My first three years of recovery, I didn't have a car. So whenever I have sponsees complaining, they say to me about not having a car, well, it's like, well, there's the bus. And so, or there's a bike. And so I lived in a much different city than here, though. But I would bike to her house every Friday. And we'd go through the book together. And, you know, her little dog, George, oh, thank you. Thanks. Her little dog, George, Chihuahua, female named George, would sit on my lap. And we'd read the book together. And I'd never forget it. And when we got to a step in the book, we'd work that step. And that's how I got sober, is working through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it totally trips. I did not expect what the step, like, those steps on the wall looked really, like, ridiculous at first. When you walk into a room, I remember seeing the ninth step. My first time sitting down with her, I said, I've stolen too many things from people. So, like, I might get kicked out of the co-op, like I was living in the co-op at the time. And she turned to me, and she said, well, maybe you should get kicked out of the co-op. And I was like, dang, like, who did I ask to be my sponsor? Like, what is she going to have me do? And so, but she kind of was like, she was one of those people who just was, like, moved. She didn't move slowly through the book at all. But, like, she'd be like, you know, ask for help, ask God for help. And she helped me to establish a relationship with a higher power. And I did that through working through the steps with her. And it totally transformed my life. I think I have about five minutes left. But, you know, I don't, like, the steps are, I think, all important. But eight and nine fundamentally changed my life. You know, my fourth and fifth steps were vital to getting to eight and nine, obviously, and really revealed a lot. But it also gave me my eighth step list for my fourth step. And I added people to that list. I added a lot of people to that list in my eighth step that I had. And I was harmed, caused harm to, mostly through taking things from people. And in the co-op that I was living at, which is just, this is just crazy, like, nobody knew that I had, like, people knew, like, something was wrong with Star. But, like, nobody knew that I was doing what I was doing. And so I would, you know, I remember telling Jennifer, like, I'm so terrified of making financial amends to people. And she's like, you know, just ask for help. Pray. Say the amends on your knees before you go make the amends. Ask for God's help. And I'd go out and make amends at each person, to each person. I thought they were going to burn me at the stake. I thought they were going to have, like, a huge, like, gathering. And be like, get her out, get her out. And, like, nobody, nobody did that. Everyone said, thank you. Like, I had no idea that you had this problem. And that was, like, and that was just so much grace in all of that. And all of that entire process. An entire part. All of the entire parts of the city of Madison, Wisconsin were opened up to me because I was terrified of going to parts of town where I either took stuff from people or I lied to people or cheated people out of something. I mean, I made, like, face-to-face amends with them. And I was terrified. I remember shaking, making these amends. And I just had, it was freedom. The stuff is about other people. I don't want to get that wrong. It's about making things right for them. But, like, the freedom that you get in that stuff is just incredible. Like, I don't think about that stuff anymore. I could walk. I was just there a couple weeks ago. And I can walk freely. Like, in Madison, Wisconsin, not be terrified of running into somebody. You know, like, I made financial amends to my dad. My dad had no idea I was taking that much money from him. When I made the amends to my mom, she was, like, I'm so happy you're sober. And, like, really sweet about it. But my dad was pissed. Like, he was, like, what did you do? And then, you know, he asked. He's, like, you know, I don't care about, like, you know, at the end, I'd, like, be, like, what can I do to make this right? And I asked him if I could make financial amends to him over time. And what he would like that to look like. And he's, like, I just want you to get your life together. Like, that's what he told me. And it was harsh at the time. But, like, in that, I mean, like, put yourself in his shoes. You know, that's something that the ninth step did for me is to put me in his shoes and what that felt like. He said, I want you to get a job. When you get out of school, get your life together. And so I did that. I got a job. Right out of grad school, and I moved to Atlanta for my job. That's why I'm here. And I slowly started to make financial amends to him one by one. I started to write checks to him. And my mom would get the checks because she would be at home most of the time. And I never wrote anything in the checks. I just wrote a check, like, in the letter or in the envelope. I didn't write a letter or anything. And I remember my mom being, like, what is? You don't even say hi to us? Like, what is your problem? And so I started to write letters to my parents asking how they're doing. And I'd be like, I talked to you on the phone. What's the difference? And she's like, still, it's weird just, like, having nothing in an envelope. So my sponsor was like, write a letter? God, like, what is wrong with you? And so I started to write to my parents. And after a period of time of paying every month, towards the death, and I just had no idea what that was or what that looked like, you know, my dad called me and he said, you're done. Like, we're good. We're good. And I remember, like, feeling like, no, I'm going to do this. I'm going to finish this. Like, I'm going to complete this. And he's like, you're good with it. We're good. I didn't realize at the time that what he was saying is, like, like, you've, you've, like, our relationship is, like, it's healing. We're in the process of healing, you know, but I appreciate, like, I appreciate this. But. But what it did for me with him was it opened this entire relationship up with him. Like, who would have thought, like, ready to check a letter to my dad or pay him for money that I stole from him would totally change our relationship. He's one of the closest. I talk to him every week. We travel together. I was, like, before COVID, he was, like, my travel buddy. I would, we'd go to, like, so many different places. He's never been, he never really had explored the South. And he always wanted to explore. Because when he was a little kid, he'd read about, you know, the United States and the South and read all these books before he came to the U.S. And he was really interested in learning more about the South. So I took him on all these road trips. So we started taking these father-daughter road trips. And that totally changed our relationship, all because I took direction from his sponsor and worked steps. Like, that has completely mended and changed his life. Like, not just my life, but his life, too. Sorry, I get really emotional. So when I, whenever I cry, I remember this old-timer once yelling, like, it's not like it saved your life or anything. You know, referring to AA. But it really has saved my life. It's totally changed my life. Like, you know, I'm incredibly grateful to this program. It's given me a life I definitely don't deserve. And what the 12 Steps do for you is that it helps you, regardless of yourself. Like, that's what has been my experience in AA. Regardless of how I'm feeling, what my attitude is, what I think about this thing, as long as I do this program, stay in the middle of AA. I'm okay. I'm taken care of, always. Sometimes it doesn't look like I'm being taken care of. And I don't see the whole picture yet. Like, I'm like, this time, it's like I don't want to do this, you know. But, yeah, it's totally changed my life. I can't. Like, if you're hesitant about working the Steps or not working the Steps in a 12 Step program, which is crazy, you know, consider it. Think about getting a sponsor and working the program. Or if you're part of another fellowship, getting a sponsor in that program and working the Steps and just giving it a chance. My sponsor always says to me, and what she just told me the other day, is be open to being wrong about what you think about this. And I just, I always have to come in with that attitude because I always have a baseline of a bad attitude. Like, I don't want to do this. This is going to be bad. This is how it's going to end up. It's going to make me look bad. I don't feel like it. And that's often where I come from initially, always. Whether it's work, whether it's my relationship, whether it's program stuff. And so I have to always pray about, like, being open to being wrong. Like, help me to have an open heart, an undefended heart almost in a way. Like, just be open to this program. So, anyway, I think I'm at time. So I'll stop. Sorry if I spat on this mic. Thank you. I'm sorry. That was really amazing. Thank you so much. First I slept, and then I cried. Will you rescue me? And finally, waking up, looking to a soul. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slow. We get just what we need on a broad highway. First try to walk each other takes me a mistake.