Self-Centered Fear Had Me Rehearsing Conversations Before Walking Into Any Room – Sarah K.

About This Speaker Tape

Sarah shares her story at the Blue Chip Speakers meeting, tracing her alcoholism from childhood curiosity to full-blown dependence by her early twenties. Born and raised in Milwaukee to Somali and Ethiopian immigrant parents, she describes growing up as a chronic malcontent — resentful of her family's religion, embarrassed by her neighborhood, and constantly comparing herself to other kids. She first tasted beer at seven, sneaking sips from her father's can during Packers games, and by fourteen she experienced her first drunk at a friend's house with access to a fully stocked liquor cabinet. Alcohol instantly dissolved every fear and discomfort she carried, and she chased that relief with escalating desperation — stealing money from her father's gas station business to pay strangers to buy her liquor, crashing two cars by seventeen, and drinking through high school free periods.

After a brief dry period following a scared-straight program, Sarah went to college at the University of Wisconsin where her drinking quickly became abnormal even by party-school standards. She isolated, drank alone in a basement apartment, started mixing Adderall with alcohol, and ended up in the hospital after a severe panic attack. She moved into a cooperative house called Ambrosia where she began stealing alcohol from thirty housemates' personal refrigerator, even sitting through a house meeting about the thefts while pretending she was a victim too. Her world shrank to the size of her bedroom and the liquor store.

Sarah found AA through a desperate Google search and an online chat room, then called the Madison Area Intergroup hotline. A woman named Jennifer picked her up and drove her to her first meeting in Waunakee, Wisconsin — a thirty-minute ride through farmland that changed her life. Jennifer became her sponsor and walked her through the Big Book every Friday. The eighth and ninth steps transformed Sarah most profoundly: she made face-to-face amends to co-op housemates she had stolen from, and financial amends to her father, who had no idea how much money she had taken. Those amends rebuilt her relationship with her dad entirely — they became travel companions taking father-daughter road trips through the South. With eleven years of sobriety, Sarah emphasizes that her baseline attitude is still resistant and fearful, but the program works regardless of how she feels, as long as she stays in the middle of AA and remains open to being wrong.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Meeting introduction and reading from Big Book page 29 at NAVA Club Blue Chip Speakers meeting
• 2:30 Sarah introduces herself, sober since April 3 2010, describes arriving in AA with no intention of staying
• 5:00 Milwaukee childhood with Somali and Ethiopian immigrant parents, chronic malcontent feelings, resentment toward family religion during Ramadan
• 9:00 First taste of alcohol at age seven sneaking sips of dad's beer during Packers games
• 14:00 First drunk at fourteen at friend Emily's house with the unforgettable liquor cabinet
• 20:00 Stealing from dad's gas station register at sixteen to pay strangers to buy alcohol, crashing two cars by seventeen
• 28:00 College at University of Wisconsin, drinking alone in basement apartment, Adderall panic attack and hospitalization
• 35:00 Moving into Ambrosia co-op, stealing alcohol from housemates' personal fridge, sitting through house meeting pretending to be a victim
• 42:00 Google search for alcoholism, online AA chat room, calling Madison Intergroup hotline, Jennifer driving her to first meeting in Waunakee
• 50:00 Working steps with sponsor Jennifer, eighth and ninth step amends transforming her life, financial amends rebuilding relationship with father