Sean A. Found the Payoff of Alcohol Ended in a Total Loss of Will

About This Speaker Tape

April 23, 1974: a West Hollywood vice squad arrest, the front of his pants soaked in urine, and a sudden, crystal-clear revelation of the gap between the man he was and the man he wanted to be. Sean A. describes a life of high-gloss wreckage—Broadway shows, limousines, and a "shark-infested mouth"—fueled by a cocktail of scotch and amphetamines.

For Sean, drinking was "like taking a bite out of a thunderstorm," a sensational payoff that made him feel like Fred Astaire for eight minutes before everything went to hell in a handbag. He details the "dance of death" he shared with his wife, watching her shrivel while he played the mellow husband. After a lifetime of "suicide of the soul," he found a Higher Power through a woman who 12-stepped him over glasses of orange juice and Karo syrup, demanding a 180-degree turn as a human being and a rigorous, clean sobriety.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Sean A. discusses his childhood and his father, the 'drunken sailor'.
• 6:15 The 'payoff' of alcohol and the mourning of that feeling in sobriety.
• 12:30 The 'great obsession' to control and enjoy drinking.
• 18:45 Life in New York, Broadway success, and the quart of scotch a day.
• 25:10 The 'dance of death' in his marriage and the effects of alcoholism on his wife.
• 32:15 The vice squad arrest and the spiritual awakening that followed.
• 38:20 12-Step call from Suzanne; she reads him Chapter 3, Chapter 5, and the 12 Traditions.
• 45:10 Discussion on 'clean and sober' and the danger of using other mind-altering chemicals.
• 52:30 The importance of anonymity and humility in the fellowship.
• 58:15 Laughter: Story about his first meeting and the 'newcomer eyes'.
• 1:05:40 The 'imitation program' and the struggle of the first year of sobriety.
• 1:18:20 Step 1: Powerlessness and the 'pool of gasoline' metaphor.