Scars on My Heart from Motherhood That No Fifth Step Could Reach — Until Wednesday Night at Cowboy Church – Vannoy S.

You old fool. Hi, everybody. My name is Benoit Shaw, and I am an Al-Anon. Hi, Benoit. Hi, y'all. I came into this magnificent program of ours February the 7th of 1969 in Lubbock, Texas, at the Central Group. I just celebrated 43 years. You'd think I'd act better, you know. I have a sponsor. Her name is Nell Largett. Many of you know her. She said hello. But I had a sponsor named Pat Claytor for 40 years. And just about everything I know and say and do and feel, it comes because of the grace of her loving me. So I really appreciate her and miss her unspeakably so. I have a home group. It's called Back to the Basics in Ponder, Texas. And, Phil, I know the mayor of Ponder. And I have a group in Los Angeles called the Stepped Up Group. It's still my home group. I'm out there a lot. I just moved back from there a couple years ago. First of all, I want to thank the committee for inviting me. I love Omaha. I've got a lot of family here that I've had relationships. For a long, long time. I just thank PEG for sponsoring my daughter, Sheila. I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt, if Sheila did not have PEG, that she would be drunk. And Dick Martin has been a huge part of my story for many, many years. And my husband's. So I love being with family and seeing family. And, you know, that family just got back. Back from the Lucian Islands, for God's sake. Sitting out on the beach. And I'm sure getting to learn how to snorkel. Did you go snorkeling, Dick? And, you know, I've got family members that are down in Florida. And they're going to the Disney, whatever there is. And a family member not too long ago went over to Europe. I don't know where it is. Vienna and saw where Nietzsche. Nietzsche was born in his shalon. And I draw Omaha. And I get to learn about tomatoes. There are red tomatoes. But there's different kinds of red tomatoes. Some are striped. There's black tomatoes. There are yellow tomatoes. But you don't want to get yellow tomatoes because they don't have acid. And then there is a green tomato. And you're not sure when to pick them. Because we don't have acid. And the tomatoes are always green. This is what I draw. I enjoyed you, Phil. Thank you so much. I'm glad you don't yell at anybody anymore. I yelled Friday. Yesterday. I mean, I really had a fit yesterday. And I hadn't had a fit in a long time. I forgot how good it can feel. I mean, it was a fit. This dumb woman was in front of me. Well, the whole line. Because she was the tail end of first class. Boarding. And she had like four huge sacks and bags and stuff. And all of y'all know, you could only have how many? Two. So she's standing there arguing with the guy fixing it. And she's got this little teeny tiny. So she can't fix it. Everybody's waiting. Everybody's just da-da-da-da. So finally another guy came to help. And I go around her in this big giant backpack. You know, those big huge things. And she turns just as I get. And she just knocks me. And I just kind of, you know, not. I just kind of pushed the pack out of my way. And I walked a few feet. And she screamed. Is there a problem? And I turned. And I said, yes! You're a bum! I can't get around you! And then I escaped. Because she looked kind of mad. People behind me were talking. About her as we got on the plane. And they were saying, I turned around and I said, she's just an idiot. And she said, oh, we're so glad you said that. We were afraid to. So I go to my seat. One of them says, it'll probably be your seat mate. Oh, God. I had not thought of that. But I swear, I sat down. And it crossed my mind a flash that maybe I ought to do a tenth step promptly. But nah, I mean. I wanted to hang on to it. It felt so good. And I pointed her out to the girls who picked me up. So I'm not as well as some. I'm not over in the ditch. I love that analogy. I'm going to use it. But I'm certainly having a good time. You know, the longer you're around, it's just harder and harder to tell your story. There's so much. I mean, there's just so much. And I'm in such a unique place. And, you know, words come to me and people's themes kind of come to me. And I've been thinking about travelers and on the path. And Phil was talking about it. And a few weeks ago, we were in Chicago together. And they were talking about it. And Sandy B. was talking about trying to travel to get back home, the home of the spirit, the home of the heart. And it was such a touching talk. And I've been thinking about it ever since. And who I've met on that path, you know, the ones that have been ahead of me, helping me, and the ones that are behind me, the responsibility that I kind of feel for that. And we were talking last night, today, about the giants of this program. There's so many giants of this program that have just left these huge, I don't know, nuggets, if you will, on my life. And in my life. And I'm so grateful for that. I wish I had listened more. I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had asked more questions. I wish I hadn't have pouted so much. I wish I had sat by her more. I wish I had gone down there more. You know, there's just, I just, I want more. I just want some more. And I've started this new group. And I live in a little town outside of Dallas called Justin. And right down the road is Ponder. And Ponder's little bitty, about as big as this room. And then there's ranches all around it. So it's full of ranchers and open country. And it's just beautiful there. And I started a little group called Back to the Basics. Because when I moved there, I lived in Denton, which is just up the road, one of the Metroplex little cities. And I started going to a group there. And I swear they don't know. You were talking about this group smaller. And that other groups around the country are smaller. I think it's because they don't know. I believe with all my heart that this room right here tonight is hollowed, hollow, sacred ground. Because every table here has miracles sitting at it. I mean unbelievable, unbelievable miracles. And I just want them to know so desperately. So we're starting back and we're getting every one of the books. We're going through every book that we have. AA and Al-Anon. And we're going to, I'm going to show them where we came from. Somebody asked me, how do you see God? How do you know where God is? And I thought about that for a while. And I wanted to tell them, I'm going to show you. Because you're going to see in these. And you're going to see. In these books. And we talked about stepping stones a while ago. How two people got together and look what they've done. Two people. I mean it's just amazing. I mean she and I could get together and talk about a, I don't know, something to help your feet. And everybody's got bad feet. And how are we going to get around the world in four years? I don't think we could. I mean it's just total miracles. So I'm, I'm just so full of it. I just love the things. I heard something today that was so touching to me. I know a young lady here who's just struggled for so many years. Just, you know, down to the streets. And she's sober. And she was at work. Leaving work. And this homeless woman wandered in to where they were. And there's a fence around this place and they have to lock it up. And the boss was going to lock it up. And so he saw this homeless lady. You know, you know what a homeless lady looks like. They're dirty. They're filthy. They stink. Their clothes are pathetic. And he goes and talks to her a minute. And he came up and back to the girl. And she, he said, this is yours. She goes over and talks to her and says, what's up? And the woman said, I need to find the river. Can you show me where the river is? I need to jump in. And she said, why do you need to do that? And she said, because there's a witch inside me telling me to go jump in the river. And this girl said to me, I knew exactly what she needed. She got this complete, total, stinking, homeless woman and put her in her car. And took her to the exact place where she needed to go. She went in and told them what she'd said. And those people said, oh, she belongs here. Bring her in. And, oh, can you see God there? Boy, it's all over it. And this girl could have been stumbling into her down on the corner a few years ago. Stuff like that just, you can't get it, see it, feel it anywhere else except in this room, this magnificent room. And it's a privilege, an honor and a privilege to be here. I know we say that all the time, but I truly mean it. It's a privilege to be here with you all. Just, you know, take my turn behind this podium. Because I've got a fabulous story. I love my story. Man, from where I came from, to stand here is unbelievable. You just can't get here. You know, you can't. I am from Lubbock County, Texas. Lubbock County is the most boring place you have ever encountered in your life. Truly, it still is. I heard, talked to some people last night that had been to Lubbock and said, good Lord, ain't nothing there. And there is not. Nothing. We hung out at the cemetery. I mean, you know. Because nobody could bother us. We were underage. And, you know, we could play out there and the guys could drink and we could drink and play like we really felt it, you know. And I got my life's education started out right there. Poverty. My brother broke his neck, broke my father. Everything was centered around that brother for so many years. And that, those things is what developed my character. I think. Because I responded to those things. The house was stunk all the time because of his rotting flesh and the things they had to do for him. I was in the way totally all the time. I stayed out in the streets all the time. I couldn't do things because I couldn't have shortcake, strawberry shortcake because my brother couldn't because he couldn't walk. So he gets the strawberry shortcake. I couldn't go and do this because my brother couldn't. I couldn't go and do this because my brother couldn't walk. So he gets to do this. He had the only fan in the house when it was hot because he couldn't walk. And I had it, I accepted it as I can walk. What are you thinking? Shame on you. You can walk. And I had that mentality for a long time. Church people came in to help my family because we were in such a bad place. And they said things that just totally confused me about God. They're supposed to be godly people. But I didn't see God with them. I just saw some shame, tears. Church people came and they prayed over him and they screamed and they hollered and they threw this water all over him. And everybody was shouting and it was scary. And I ran out of the backyard because I was scared. I didn't know what they were doing to my big brother. I loved my brother. And when they left, I ran there to see that he was okay and he said that they had healed him. He was going to be able to walk. First thing he was going to do is chase me around the backyard. So I went in and sat on the couch to wait for him to get up and start chasing me. And of course that never happened. So that wasn't even real. What was I thinking? I can walk. Terrible place. My mother tolerated me. I was just a shadow in that house. My next to oldest brother worked and brought in money so he was favored. And my younger brother was favored. He was just the baby and he was loved on. And I was the one that did the dishes and took out the trash and cooked the suppers. Did the ironing. And I was a shadow in that house, truly. I'm not saying that to be sad. I mean, that's the way it was. I went out with a bunch of gals and they introduced me to Honky Tonks. West Texas Honky Tonks. I'll tell you, if you want to go to Lubbock County and find something to do, just go out to Honky Tonk. That is a glorious place. It still is today, I think. In fact, I'll tell you all this. I went back a few years ago. I was still living in California. And some of those California women came back with me. They had asked me to speak at my hometown convention in Lubbock. And so they wanted to go see Honky Tonk. I said, okay, Saturday night after the meeting, I'll take you all to see a real Honky Tonk. And so they dressed up Western. Honk, please. Oh, please. It was so pathetic. One girl, I made her go back to the room and change. I was not taking her. So I went back to the places where I used to go. And they had, some of the buildings were gone, but some of the places were still there. And they were just pathetic. I mean, pathetic. They had put carpet on the floor. And they had tables that matched and sweet little chairs. And it smelled good in there. I mean, what? I mean, this was nothing. So we'd roam and go over somewhere else and go and so on and so on. Finally, we wound up. We were about to give up. It was late. And we passed this horrible-looking shack. And it said, Jiggers Up. I said, whoa, make a U-turn. Make a U-turn. So we did. And we pulled in there. And we opened the door. And, you know, I just got that first, I said, girls, this is it. Come on in. The chairs didn't match. It stunk to high heaven. Old, you know, old smoke, old stale beer, old stale puke everywhere, you know. It was just dirty. And nasty. And, God, it was loud. And, you know, just drunks just falling off everywhere. And it was a U-shaped. And there was one table way on the other side of the door and way on the side of the dance floor, way on the side of the room. And so I said, y'all follow me. My daughter was with me and about, I think, four or five other girls. So we go down the aisle. And, of course, I mean, I'm telling you, they are, they stand out. I mean, they just stand out dressed Western. I mean, oh. And so everybody in the room was watching us. And it was like, whoa. And so the bar is over here in the corner. And it's kind of moon shaped. And here's these two guys. One of them has one leg. And he's got this stump. And it's laying across this old wood crutch out in front of him. And he's just, oh, big belly. Long beard. No teeth. Front teeth are gone. Hair. And he's just drunk. And then his buddy's standing there real tall and skinny. Looks just about like him. Just, you know, they're just drunks standing there at the bar. And the stump guy says, how do, ladies? And I said, and the big tall guy's gleaming. And they're looking at those young girls. And I said, whoa, watch it. This is my daughter. In fact, they're all my daughters. And the fat guy says, we don't want the daughters. And the skinny guy licked his lips. He said, we want mama. So I don't care what you say. I still got it, by God. There was a time they would have looked really good. That was my home. I discovered that was my home. I loved it there. You know, there was all kinds of excitement. I am absolutely hooked on excitement, good or bad. I love excitement. It's just, I'm drawn to it. Like a moth to a flame. They talk about, a lot about alcoholism. The isms, the characteristics that make up an alcoholic. Marcy White, my great-grandsponsor, said that she got to looking at Al-Anon's and that we have isms that make up our characteristics. So she made a list of them. And the first time she ever read that list was at her talk. A Saturday morning talk at the Canyon Conference. And she talked about it and she named the things that was on that list. And since then, of course, we've studied it and we have put some other things on it. And, you know, it's real simple what makes up an Al-Anon. You know, the first one, the one that, the umbrella that we all stand under is control. You know, we like to control things here, there, and everywhere. And we know best. I know best. So that's why I need to control. You know, this room is driving me crazy. These tables aren't, you know, they're not even. They should have been turned and fixed. And then everybody would have had to, I just know this. It just comes to me. And sometimes I have the need to tell you and get people and I'll go change your room, Tim, and fix it like it should be. That's just what I do. I'm a drama queen. Everything's a drama. I am a caretaker. I am a martyr. I am full of fear slash fear slash fear. I have lack of self-humor, lack of self-worth, no self-esteem. And I have resentments at the kazoo. And I never, ever, ever forget. And on and on. And on and on. And I have shame. And I have blame. And complain. And on and on and on. And so all these things come into play when I am an untreated Al-Anon, if you will, before Al-Anon. And I go out there and the honky-tonk is the best place in the world for all these things to flower. I mean, they're just wonderful. Drunks need care. They need nurturing. They need somebody to control their lives and get everything squared away. They need somebody to drive them home. They need somebody to take care of them the next morning so they don't have too bad of a headache and call the boss and make things square. I mean, we are really needed a lot. And that was my life. And I wanted him, God's will, if you will, for me. And I needed him right here by my side. And I needed the perfect him. Because if I had a him, then y'all would think I was something. I was somebody. And he would fix my life for me. And I fell in love often and deeply with alcoholics. I love them. I tell you, I still love them today. I'd rather be with y'all than anybody. I'm going to say this and get in real trouble. But I just, you know, I really don't like to go to Al-Anon conventions. They are so boring. I mean, they really are. Saturday night, they'll probably do a little play. And everybody dresses up as anger and frustration. But you go to an AA convention, you don't know if the speaker is going to show up or not. I mean, he may not even show up. Somebody will run off with the money. You know, it's just, you know, it's a lot of fun there. I like it. I've had three major alcoholics and a bunch of minor ones in between. My first major one I met at the Bloody Bucket. The Bloody Bucket did not start its evening entertainment until about 1 a.m. It was after all the other bars closed. You could go to the Bloody Bucket and continue your fun. And that's where we would wind up. And there was terrible, terrible people out there. Alcoholics, yes. But there was something. There was something that's beyond alcoholism. Just mean, dark, dark people. Just their souls unhappy and miserable. There was, I truly met a professional hit man. I knew a lot of prostitutes and pimps and professional thieves and drug dealers and just you name it. And they were there. Along with a banker or a school teacher. You know, just in there. And these people who lived the night life were predators on the ones who were just out there on a Saturday night having some fun. They were predators. And I watched it over and over and over. Sadness. Sad things. My first major alcoholic was out there. He was a professional gambler. He had lots of money. And he threw money at me. And I had never had money because I was in poverty. And so I fell madly in love with him very quickly. And we had a meaningful relationship. And we moved in together. And I became pregnant. And that was in the 60s when truly if you're a Baptist girl, I wasn't, but my family thought I was. I lived in the Baptist world. My parents were. You certainly didn't, number one, live with anybody. And you certainly didn't, you weren't married out of wedlock. No. No, no. It was a shame to my family. And they were ashamed of me. And I brought them a lot of terror in their life. And I had that child, my daughter Tracy. Many of you know her. And when I did and I was in the hospital, the gambler came to me and he said, you know, I've done everything for you I can do. And I need you and that child to move on. Now, one of the things. Now, one of the isms of Al-Anonism is vindictiveness. I don't really like that word. I've never particularly liked the word. It just doesn't sound right. But getting him back or explaining to him what he's done, you know, that makes sense. So I need to explain to him what he had done and show him what he was losing here. And I flaunted myself in front of him with one of his well-known words. One of his well-known enemies that was just as crazy as he was. Both of them wore shoulder holsters with guns in them. And they lived with them and used them. They were used in the worst ways. And I got this guy and helped him get drunk a little faster and took him out to the bloody bucket because he never went there. That wasn't, you know, for lack of words. That wasn't his area, his gang. His was over here and he was over here. And, of course, the gambler saw us. And I thought, now he'll come and be so sad that he's left me. He'll want me back. And that was the plan. And a couple days later, he took a shotgun and blew that man's head off. And I had no idea, of course, that that was going to happen. Just none. And it did. And it was everywhere. It was on the news. It was everywhere. It was in my parents' house with my baby. And my mother met me at the door. The door was locked when I got there. And the door has never been locked in my whole lifetime. The key was up on a shelf. It never was locked when nobody was there. And I knocked. And my mother came. And she said, we don't want you coming in here. Our neighbor is seeing you come in and out. And if anybody asks if you're a daughter, just tell them you're not. And I said, okay, Mama. And I did understand that. I truly did. I had shamed them. And I did things that they certainly didn't deserve. So I, where do you go when something like that happens? I couldn't go back around those people. I didn't know. I needed some help. I needed something different. And it never occurred to me that God might be an answer because I didn't believe in God. It just, that wasn't it. So what am I going to do? Well, to me, the thing to do was go get somebody that was more decent than these people. And that meant cowboys. So I went to the rodeo grounds. And I picked out the bull rider. He was the famous bull rider of that part of the country. And he was in, they called it back then the RCA. Now they call it the PRCA. And he was getting on up there. And I thought that was a perfect choice for me. Besides, he was a hell of a dancer. And he was really great looking. And so I set my sights on him and got him. And we messed around for a while. And one night he was punching me in the chest. And I took a quart beer bottle and banged him over the head and knocked him nearly out. And sprawled him all out at the twin tables. And I ran out of that place, that joint. And he chased me and spun me around and said, I think you just knocked some sense into me. I think we should get married. Well, that just wasn't by accident. I had been kind of, you know, whispering it. And we were. We were married within a few days of that. We were married within a few days. And that was it. Okay, I've done it. Do you hear it? I'm married. I had no dreams of ever being married. When you're out there in that night world, I love words. I just love words. And what is it? Gaga, married to the night. Is that her song? I'm going to marry the night. Can't do anything else. I can't get anywhere. So I'll just marry the night. I know that. I know what that song means. Because that's what I was going to do. That's how I felt. And so to be married to a cowboy, because in Texas, a cowboy, you know, there's cowboy morals that they live by. I mean, that's just standard. And they tip their hats. When you walk up a lady, they tip their hat. I mean, it's just, I loved it. So now I'm going to be okay. You know, I'm going to cook and make him happy. And clean house. And send the kids to school. And he loved my daughter. And she loved him. And I gave him a son. And now we have a little boy. And it's going to be all right. But, you know, he was an alcoholic. And it wasn't all right. I quit going to the dances with him. I quit going out on the weekends. I quit doing anything. I was trying to show him how much better it would be if we stayed home and if we made a family. And he just couldn't get there. And we fought. And we screamed. And I would move off and come in. And he would fight me. And he would beat me. And he would pistol whip me. And the gambler would shot at me. And I would run. And this guy was, you know, beating on me. And I just had that kind of violence in my life. I just did. And I didn't think anything about it. Because, you see, I was guilty. I did not know what I was guilty of. But I was guilty. Some of those inventories touched on maybe I was guilty because I could walk. Maybe I was guilty because I did things that embarrassed my family. Maybe I was guilty because my grandmother couldn't look me in the face. All these things. Little things. Little things. Little things. And my daughter came along. And how I treated her before I got married. A single woman looking for a man in the bars. I treated my daughter something horrible. Horrible. And then with this cowboy, they saw violence that no child should ever see. They had themselves yanked out of beds in the middle of the night when they shouldn't have been. They were taken to places that two little kids should have never been. My son hurt my daughter. I truly, if he, my husband wasn't around and there was, if I was in that, like a locomotive that needs to go somewhere and the brakes are still on, I would walk around like that. If she said anything to me like, I'm hungry, God, I hate that. You were saying, Phil, how you got so sick of hurting people. I did that to my own children. And, you know, they knew what their daddy was going to do by the way he smelled and by the way he walked. They never knew what I was going to do. Ever. And it was horrible. And things just got worse and worse. And friends dropped away from me. And I started isolating. And there wasn't much left but me and these two kids. And unhappiness. Unhappiness and dark days. I picked up a phone. Right. And I called Alcoholics Anonymous out of the Yellow Pages. And what a miracle that is. I didn't ask anybody for help. I don't need any help. Thank you very much. Just leave me alone. I am fine. No, you don't need to worry about these kids. They're fine. Back off. And I don't know. I was rocking in a green rocking chair. And I went and picked up the phone. And they said, come over here. And I went over there. And I talked to these people. And they said, go with me. And I went with them. Encountered things that I had no idea even existed. The very first thing that happened to me, this couple picked me up. And they brought me to the clubhouse. He got out. He opened the door to the clubhouse. And he held it open. And I was right behind him. And I stopped because he wasn't going in. I didn't know what he was doing. He was just standing there. And I kept looking at him. And finally, he realized I didn't know what he was doing. And he put his hand out like that. My God. He's mistaken me for a lady. I mean, he thinks I'm a lady. He's holding the door open for me. Oh, my God. That's the first, I mean, the first impression I had. Walked over that doorway. And there was a cigarette machine. And it had lights all over it. It was like little cigarette packages. And two guys leaning up against it. And they were talking and laughing. I mean, laughing. I heard it tonight. I always hear it when there's a bunch together. And it was crystal clear laughter. And I just stopped in the doorway because I hadn't heard that in so long. So long. I mean, an alcoholic home is one of two sounds usually. The screaming. The yelling. The breaking. The, you know, slapping and yanking and pulling and tugging and door slamming. Or it's complete and total dark silence. There's usually not the two. And my dreams were gone. I quit dreaming a long time ago. I mean, dreams are, you lose your dreams in this disease. Our disease is. The dreams were gone. I had nothing. I was done. And here I'm standing. Here I'm standing listening to all this stuff. I heard Clancy a few weeks ago. He was in Dallas. And I've heard Clancy, I don't know, a thousand times. I don't know. And he had lived in Dallas. Most of you have heard his story. And he got there Friday. And one of the guys drove him around Dallas. He got to drive by the house where he used to live with Charlotte and his kids. He drove by. He drove by the places where he used to work. And I'm assuming he drove by the house where he tried to kill himself. And he drove by the hospital maybe that his son died while he was in jail. And I'm assuming that he drove around the jail because he said he drove around those places. And Saturday night he was standing up there and he was telling all of his story. And he told this. He said, you know, I was standing right here. I was standing right here in Dallas. My family had left me. I had no family. I had been fired. My boss said he would make sure that I never worked anywhere in Dallas again. I had no car. I had no clothes. I had nothing. Nothing. And he paused for a minute. And I never, Clancy doesn't particularly get emotional. But let me tell you, he gulped and paused. And he said, I thought my life had ended standing here in Dallas that day. And I went, wow. From Dallas to where he's at now all these years, God has used him in such a mighty way that we have no idea. None. The places he's done. He's helped I would be probably more than a million people. He's helped. And he was standing there in Dallas. This is the worst day. And I knew what he was talking about. Because my worst day was in that rocking chair. And it turned out to be my best day. Because I was done. I was through. And I walked through that door. And my life changed. And I can't tell you all of it. I just, it's bigger than me. That's 43 years ago. It's bigger than me. I can give you little pieces of it. Pat Claytor walked up to me. And she said some things that only she could say to me. And I could hear them. And she became my sponsor. And she totally changed my life. Talking about your sponsor a lot. I mean, sponsors to me, my sponsor, I don't know, I don't even want to go there. My sponsor taught me everything. How to believe in God through working the program, through working the steps. How to be a lady. How to act like one, dress like one, talk like one. All the guys at the group. We all did everything together back then. We had the meetings the same night. But we had breakfasts. We had suppers. Just like you all do. We went in trucks and buses. And we just did everything. And those men, you know, the men, I swear to you, never hit on me. Never. They were always above reproach with me. Good, kind men. They would hug me. But it was a good, clean hug. I'd never had that before in my whole life. And they would compliment me. And they meant it. And they would do kind things for me. They came and helped me with my little kids. I mean, it was unbelievable. And my drunk hung around for a while. But he couldn't stand it. And he finally left. He came back. And we were going to be okay. He went to AA for six months. Oh, way back there in the 70s. But after six months, he realized he really, really wasn't an alcoholic. So he left. And I was, you know, what am I going to do? How am I going to get this done? When he came back, he knew that I had been going to meetings. He knew all about that stuff. And it resented him. So he just hated it. He hated you all with passion. He came in one night. And he flipped on the light. And he started beating me up. And I went over the floor, hit the floor. And my face bounced up. And I saw my kids standing in the door screaming, Daddy, please don't hit her anymore. Please don't hit her. My son was only like two or three. And boom, I saw that. I saw my kids. I saw what they were doing. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. They're hurting. They know all this stuff. This doesn't feel good to them. They're hurting. And I was able to get up, get out of there, take them, all of us in our pajamas. And then y'all came. But, boy, when one of us is wounded, y'all come. And you support us. And you help us. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. And I got a house. I got an old car. I got help to get me in school. I went to nursing school. I became a nurse. I graduated. I was self-supporting through my own contributions. And there's so many miracles in that stretch. I don't even have time to tell you all the miracles that I had. I kept going to meetings. And I kept doing the things that I was told to do. I was told to go to my mother and my father and make amends. I was told to go over there for ten minutes every Sunday afternoon. And if she didn't run me out, sit for ten minutes, tell them you hope they had a good day. And Mama wouldn't talk to me, but Daddy did. And then I went and stayed fifteen minutes. And then pretty soon, one day, Mama said, well, stay and have some supper. And slowly, my parents, slowly, those amends started right then and there. And I saw the strength of making amends has just blown me away. I divorced my cowboy. I got through all these steps. My kids were doing well. I was doing well. My daughter started doing just unbelievable stuff. I heard from y'all, from this podium, you can't say an alcoholic is an alcoholic. He has to say it himself. But I heard if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, chances are it's a duck. And, boy, she was waddling and quacking. And, um. Of course, she was an alcoholic. And, of course, there was stress and strain and pulling and yanking. Like, y'all who have kids, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a nightmare. Alcoholic kids are a nightmare. Because I'm the mother. I can do this one. I can't take care of that alcoholic husband. But this is my kid. I'm the mother. Yes, I can. Thank you very much. Good luck. My son went to see his drunk cowboy husband. I mean, father. And he came in and he had gotten him drunk. Made him drink a bunch of wine. He was 11. And then a while after that, they called me from school. They called him my 11-year-old sniffing Pam. And I knew I had to do something. I couldn't do it. So I talked to some of the guys in the group. And one of them knew of Boy's Ranch. He was on the board there. And somebody mentioned it last night. We sat around and talked for a long time. And somebody mentioned they remembered when I came. And I said, please take me out to see the boys home here. And I went out there and saw that statue. And, God, it made me feel good. And when I was getting him ready to go there, his cowboy, the cowboy husband came and kidnapped him. And I didn't know where he was for a few days. And it was just total friends. The sheriff, he was an AA. The sheriff was out hunting him. And my son called me. He said, I'm with my daddy now. I want to stay there. And hung up the phone. And he was there for the rest of his growing up years. And I could barely get to see him until he was grown. And we've had this, you know, relationship. But it's kind of been. I met Jim Shaw at a convention. I went to hear Clancy in Midland, Texas. And Jim came with him. Clancy was his sponsor. And I met him. And he's a great guy. And he's a coward. I mean, he was a total coward. If you're dating an alcoholic and they're, you know, no disrespect, but they're cowards. And you've got to handle them carefully. And he decided he was too scared to marry me. So he took off. And I didn't see him for two years. And two years later, he came back and grabbed him and got him. And we got married. There's a lot more of that story. But I don't have time. I'd be glad to tell you about it later, though. And. We had a great life. He brought to me Sheila and Jimmy. Many of you met Sheila. And Sheila was a wounded girl. Wounded, wounded. Had little Brad, my little grandson. And Jim and I was able to take care of Brad and raise him for a while. And just make up for lousy parents we made up. And she turned out to be an alcoholic. Duh. And that surprised her. Her mother died drunk. And Jim, of course, was an alcoholic. And she got sober at the Phoenix Courthouse. And she was in a group in Norman, Oklahoma. And married a young man. And had Danny. And, you know, seemingly doing well. So, you know, it was just great. My little daughter went to AA after in and out a couple of times. And met a boy on campus. She got pregnant. They got married. They had baby. And then they got divorced. And Jim and I got them. And my granddaughter. I have a granddaughter. So I have. And Jimmy brought along two grandkids. And all of them are alcoholics. They're all grown. And they're all alcoholics. And it's just hysterical. And so, you know, I just love alcoholics. And God just keeps giving them to me. So I'm never lonesome for them. That's the good news. Jim got his shoulder got hurting. And he went into the doctor. And three months later he was dead. And I'm telling you. I had no idea. I had no idea what that was going to be like. It is the worst thing that can happen to a woman, I think. You have dreams. We had a dream home out in Palm Springs. And we had a home in Los Angeles. And he was successful. And everything was great. And when he got sick and died, we found out we had been embezzled. And there was nothing. There was no money. There was no nothing. And the trucks had even disappeared. And it took a long time to get all that put back together, I'll tell you. And I wound up losing the house and living with people in Los Angeles off and on for the next few years. And, you know, I did okay. You know, slowly, slowly I put some kind of life together back there. And I have a great group back there, that stepped up group. And I went to the Wednesday night Pacific group for years and years. And let me tell you, that Pacific group, we were wounded. Jim and I were wounded. And they came and they helped us. And they picked us up. I don't know what I'd done without, especially Clancy. I don't know what I'd done without him. He helped so much. And after he was gone, the things that I needed, I could say, and those AA guys, Pacific group and women would take care of me. They moved me, you know, in the big moves. I mean, I love, love those people. I love AA. I love Al-Anon. I love Al-Anon with all my heart and soul. The things they do physically and the things they do spiritually is just unbelievable. And then a big company bought my little company and fired us all. And I'm going to talk over, and I hope you will bear with me because I think it's been an hour. Hadn't it been an hour, Gary? It hadn't? Good. Because I want to tell you this. I moved. I moved back to Dallas. My son had been in Indiana for many years. He's a construction, he has concrete construction, and he is a manager. And he's done really well up there in Indiana. Well, he was transferred to Ponder, Texas. Little town. And I thought, okay, I'm going back to Texas. It's time for me to go home from L.A. So I went back to Texas. And I was looking for places to stay. And I finally wound up in my daughter-in-law's rent house. It's in Justin, just, I don't know, eight, ten miles from Ponder. And so I've been, you know, trying to nurture this relationship with my son. There's a cowboy church there. And it's exactly like it sounds. It's a cowboy church full of cowboys. That is ranch land. And when they get through, they come however they look. And the cowboy church started off in a barn. And it's grown so. And they built a big, huge barn, if you will, church. They've got a roping arena beside it. And they just come and they rope. And they have the kids there. And it's just magnificent. And the preacher's a big old cowboy. And he's, you know, he's out on the ranch. And he comes and preaches. They have a cowboy band that plays. And last Saturday night they had a Valentine dance and cooked steaks. And everybody came. And it's just wonderful. My son has just fit in there. When he moved to Ponder, he got in his truck one night. He didn't know a soul, not one soul. And he started driving the countryside looking for lights. Because if he saw lights, he would see an arena. And if there was an arena, there would be some roping. So that's what he did. He started looking. And sure enough, he saw some lights. And he went over. And he pulled up. Got out. And this guy walked over to him, shook his hand. And he said, I was just looking for a roping. And he said, I followed the lights. And the guy said, you're right here. He met a little girl named Melissa that night. And now they're married. And she says, she wrote him this card. I'm so glad that you followed the light. And we'll see what God's got for us. And then shortly thereafter, he asked her to marry him. And they're both involved in this cowboy church. And he was asked to be a lay preacher. Which just blew me away. I mean, my little son, a lay preacher. And in that period of time, he told me one day, he said, Mom, I never told you this. He said, but I really got in the darkness. I drank. I used drugs. I was on crack. He said, I got in a lot of trouble. He said, but I had to stop. And I did. And I left Indiana. And he came. And he came. The light was the church doing the roping. And he has been deeply involved in that church. Five years. And they made him a lay pastor. So he's been a lay pastor. Helping the people. He took a bunch of boys to camp. And this man said to the pastor, can I hurry up and get through here? I want to go hear what Duke's saying to the boys. It's phenomenal. Duke is my son's name. I knew he was doing good stuff. They elected him elder in December. And he took over in January. Preacher's gone last week. He's on a cruise. He asked my son if he would preach Sunday morning and Wednesday night. Now, my son's never preached. He doesn't get up in front of people. It scares him to death. He don't want to. Uh-uh. But he did. I missed Sunday morning. But I saw him last Wednesday night. And as I sat there. And as I watched. And saw what my son was doing. I'll tell you. I have had guilt over my motherhood. No matter what I did. No matter how many fifth steps. No matter how many things I did. No matter how many people I sponsored. No matter how many cups of coffee I made. There was scars on my heart from my motherhood. So deep. And as I was watching him and listening to him. And him tell bits of his story. I was overjoyed. I was overcome. Completely overcome. And we went to dinner. Afterwards. And I grabbed my son's hand. And I looked him square in the eye. And I just started weeping. And I told him. I saw God all over you tonight. And I told him about my guilt as a mother. I can. I have not been able to get rid of it. But as I watched you tonight. And I listened to you. I know. That God has you. And I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. That God has you. And that He loves you so much more than I ever could. That you don't belong to me. That you didn't. And all the things that happened to you. God allowed. Because he was hammering and chiseling and making a sculpture called Duke. And... And he's got you. And I saw you. I said I can't tell you how deeply I have been moved. And how much I love you. And how I know I'm forgiven by God. Will you forgive me? And tears fell. was going down his eyes and he said of course mama I love you and he kissed my hand and I turned to my daughter-in-law and I said I'm so glad you were standing under that light and grabbed him up now let me tell you neither one of us and he knows about amends I mean and I've got 43 years in this program and I just I mean I I've said of course I might try to make amends to him but Wednesday night I made amends and I'm I got this fabulous fabulous feeling and I've said it to a thousand sponsees stay out of their way I have said I got to let go of Sheila I gotta let go a lot of I've been trying to let go and let go it's so hard for me because these are my kids and I want them to do different but I saw my son I do not have to worry about him God has him you all I have to worry about is getting to my meeting and answering the phone when my sponsees call me and I tell you I'm on such a I mean seeing Clancy I heard Sandy B. talk about coming home he said we all are searching for home when we get to AA it's home and we feel it and and we get comfortable here at home and I heard him say I'm on such a I'm on such a I would never go back because God is around and I also talk about another thing I heardュ Houston He will get mean towards him when we´re walking down the street and it's kind of such an honor with that And it's like getting treated in ICU. They're all so dumb. They don't know nothing. It's just so much fun to listen to their whining and see them change and be a part of their lives. And, I mean, I've just, I've been, I just feel grace. I've felt grace. There's all these things. And it started in Chicago. And I saw Clancy the next week and heard him say, I'm standing in Dallas and my life is over. I have nothing left. And I thought, look at his. I saw my son being taken away from me. And I had the guilts of hell. And I thought that was the end of it. And God showed me, no, it didn't. I've got you. I've got your kids. You don't have to worry about your kids. You don't have to worry about your husbands. You don't have to worry about your mothers. Because God's got them. And I knew what he's saying was true. And he's saying it's true. Because he's been there and he's done that. And what I can do is sit in my chair. I think the most important thing I do in this fellowship is sit in my chair. I'm there. And y'all, oh, my God, y'all have given me so much. There's absolutely no way to pay it back. None. No way. You want me to come to Omaha in February? Okay. I love you with a love that I can't describe. I just can't. There was a man. There was a man. There was a man. His name was Bob White. I told you about Marcy and Bob White and one of our giants. And his last talk was at the Canyon Conference that Jim and I started. And it was on a Sunday morning. And he said this story. And right after that, he found out he had cancer and he was dead in a few months. And I went to him right after that conference. And I said, I quote you today. And he said, promise me you'll keep saying it, telling it. And so as far as I can remember, I've told it every time I've talked. And this is what he said that morning. We say the Lord's Prayer. And y'all say it so fast here. Sometimes I can't keep up. That's what he was referring to. He said, we close every meeting with the Lord's Prayer. And it says, our Father, who art in heaven. And then it says, the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. He said, any school kid can figure out if there's a kingdom and a father and he's ours, that makes us royalty. We are prince and princesses of the kingdom. He said, claim your heritage. Start acting like royalty. Treat each other like royalty. And I was sitting there thinking, yeah, because I always have trouble with my self-worth. And yes, I am going to do that. And he said, the power is in these rooms, in us, and we spread it around every time we're sitting here. And the glory is God himself comes here. So claim your heritage, said he. And I did it that day, and I've done it every day since. And I know who I am, and I know what I'm supposed to do. I am Princess Vinoy. I'm a child of the king, and you have given me my heritage. Thank you so much. I love you.