Sarah M. – Steps 8-9 Amends – Taking the Bit in Your Teeth: Step 9 – 2025

Without further ado, steps eight and nine. Steps eight and nine, baby. Sarah. Sarah. Well, actually, I'll start by saying there are several people who still owe me amends, and I have yet to get one. Can I just say one thing? I just want to say that. Like, I'm waiting. I'm still waiting. Well, I'm going to have to make an amends to you right now, Finn, because I'm so sorry. We have to get grounded in the big book first. Oh, excellent. Someone has. Does someone have the eight and nine reading? Aha. Oh, yes. All right. So sorry. Go ahead. Now we need more action, without which we find that faith without works is dead. Let's look at steps eight and nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember, it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. Thanks, Andrea. Thanks, Andrea. Yeah. So like I said, I'm still. I'm still waiting on a lot of amends. Like, you know, my dad. Sorry, I really wanted to sign this. I have completed my ninth step amends. And I say completed my ninth step amends because I continuously cause things on it. Well, not continuously. Fewer and fewer times. But I still need to make ten step amends. But as far as getting to the amends. I belong to a reflections meeting in the morning. And when I was in early sobriety, the bathroom or morning group and I would listen to people talk all through August and September. It's all you're listening to. And I started to really freak out and in early sobriety. And my sponsor just kept reminding me to keep my head where my feet are. So if you're someone who's like me and you're already worried about making amends and you're not there, I'll tell you this until I got there. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to make them. I hadn't developed a relationship with the higher power that was going to carry me through them. I didn't know. You know, I'm sure I could make some, you know, apologies. I did make one amend on my own without my sponsor's help. And I'll share that with you. It went really well. And, you know, so for me, it was like constantly, you know, and then they talk about institutions and I'm like, oh, my God, I got to make amends to those two. You know, whatever. I was just constantly perseverating about making amends when I wasn't there. And I was grateful. I just had people who kept saying, keep your head where your feet are, because I wasn't ready to do my eighth step until I got to the eighth step. And when I did, I was told to do it very similarly than I did for my names on my fourth step was to get on my knees, ask for my pen to be guided, write out names. And then we're also to look back on my fourth step because I did that. You know, it says our amends list is already made. Right. It's our fourth step. But for me, I also there were people I need to make amends to that weren't on the fourth step. So I needed to also ask for help with that. And I had a lot of people on the list. I had institutions on the list. I had. Yeah, I don't know. I just I had family members, people I didn't know the names of. There was a lot a lot on there. There were ones that I was pretty certain. Now, some people say that their sponsor has them right. Like break the list down. Amends I'm willing to make amends that I'm going to pray to make and then ones that you're not willing to make. I think is that is that how it went? I can't remember on my first time I did it because I didn't do that because the second time I went through the steps, I hadn't finished my nine step amends the second time I did the steps. But at that point, I knew what kind of relief I got from doing them originally, even though I didn't complete them, that there was nothing on a list. I wasn't willing to do. So it was just one one list. I was willing to do them all. Anyway, that's and then I would meet with my sponsor. My sponsor told me to basically do bullet points for each person what I was going to make amends for. I wrote stories. You know, I never listened. I would get the instructions and I would make the instructions better because I know better and I wouldn't just do bullet points. I would write out the whole story and what it was. So, you know, and I was still justifying some of the stuff that I did in my eight step list and in writing it out. And then I would sit with my sponsor over each one and my sponsor would go through like crossing things off. Not that my sponsor can say what I need to make amends for, but some of the stuff I was writing down in the way I was writing, it was not in bullet points. It wasn't clear. I was I was going to be still making excuses for what I did. And yeah. Do you want to say anything about. They said. Uh, yeah. Did I catch off guard? I mean, I'm just paying you back for earlier. So as one of my sponsors says to me, this is where the magic happens. I really believe that because I've had some unbelievably powerful and magical experiences doing these amends. And I know they can be super scary and I know they can bring up a lot of anxiety. And after finishing your amends, you are changed forever in my view. And there is a freedom that you can't experience unless it happens. You know, I and this is just a bizarre thing to say, but it's amazing when you think about it. There's no one in my life now that I'm afraid to run into that. There's something left unsaid that if they called me, I would feel weird. I mean, nobody. Nobody. And when you think about that, that's an amazing thing for anybody. Alcoholics are not to say because I have brothers that are not in AA and they'll say, geez, I would love to do some of that work because I might need to. And I'm thinking you can apologize whenever you want. I mean, it's like nobody's holding anybody back here. But human beings, lots of people don't do this work and don't clean stuff up from their past. And it is such an enormous opportunity. It's an enormous opportunity to be free from your past. It really is. And when I first had my first sponsor, it's funny because there's kind of these different ways people do this. And my first sponsor was of the family of of the view of the whatever. You just kind of wait and see if the people show up. Right. And, you know, you might do a few that feel really. Really urgent. But then God is going to put the people in. And you know what? I went on quite a while not making amends because people weren't showing up at my door. And it was like this. I don't know. It was this way in the certain group they did it. And then there's, you know, Finn's Cape Cod group where it's like one a week. And you know, that's a whole other way to do minimum minimum one a week. Right. So you make a list. You do the three by five cards. And you make the calls to make the appointments and you get them done. Now I don't have like an opinion about all that. But what I do think is don't wait. That would be my opinion. Don't wait. Because we know tons of people now who are like halfway through or like they say, I still got ten to make. It's like, don't wait. Like really the only thing getting in your way is fear. That's it. Period. At the end. I'm not making shit up, but I'm telling you it's fear. And it's like that delayed gratification thing that we were supposed to learn when we were like five. Like you do something so you feel good afterwards. You know what I mean? Like get it done. So anyways. Well, I was still I was still on the eight step. Oh, which a lot of people combine them, which is clearly Sarah and I do things differently. Go ahead. Um, when I did my first eight step list. I was told all my exes, my exes were crossed off. Never make an amend to an ex. That's what I was told. It doesn't say that in the big book, but that's what my sponsor told me. So I didn't make any amends to exes the first time around. My second sponsor is like, show me where it says not to make any amends to exes in the big book. Your higher power put their name on the list. And I know where that came from on the Cape. I don't know if you guys hear that at all off Cape. I know where it came from on the Cape. A couple of people went. I'm expecting to have, um, the pleasure of a lady's company after they finished the amends and realize that they had ulterior motives when they met with their exes and that, you know, there are scenarios where like it says, we're not going to go and cause harm, right? Additional harm. But that doesn't mean every ex has caused an additional harm, you know? And um, so my exes on my second run through stayed on the list when I had to make amends to them. Um, so that was one thing I wanted to say. Um, that one of the things that I think is real easy and I've done it as a sponsor, I know exactly what you need to stay sober and how your life you're going to get free right now. I don't, but I believed early on that, you know, when I went through this, I'm like, I got it, you know, and I'll talk more about that in the 12th step. But what I've learned over time is everyone has their own higher power. I'm not making the list, you know, and I learned that from the freedom I got from making those amends to exes. Um, when my first sponsor told me not to do it, you know, um, and I'm not saying anybody else, maybe you need that guidance or whatever, but it's always the people that have stirred me the right way in my sobriety have always said, let's pick out the book, get the book out. What does the book say back to the book? And I'll say when I was first going to big book, step study and we're reading it and I'm listening to people in meetings and I'm listening to what my sponsor says to me, I thought they're brilliant. Mm-hmm . Cause I wasn't hearing what was in the book. And then later I'm going through the book. I'm like, oh, they just, I thought they were great. They're just reading it, telling me exactly what it says in the book. And, and I know that I can trust that, right? I can't trust that my sponsor is speaking through my higher power. Um, that said, don't use what I'm saying as an excuse not to listen to your sponsor. That was my experience. And I wouldn't have known the value of needing to make the leave those people on the list. Yeah. I wouldn't have known that I had been gone through it. I know. So for me, that was my experience. Yeah. And I also want to say, even though I'm telling everybody to make their amends, don't do it if you're not ready, because that can be the worst thing. Like you don't want to make an amend if you're going to go making an amend and then say, but I wouldn't have done it unless you blah, blah, blah. Like I've heard tons of amends stories over the years and some people know really what a clear amend is where you own your part. Yeah. And some people go and still are blaming other people. Like I wouldn't have done it if you didn't do this type of thing. This is why it was really important for me to put the bit in my mouth and just like read the bullet points because I can very quickly start to like maneuver around, make it sound better, make it sound like it's their fault. When my amends were ready to be made, I had them on index cards with bullet points and I had what I was going to say to open it up, what I was going to say, and then I was going to ask them if there's anything else. Mm. And you know, that was it. Yes. There was no, I was not going in and making this up. I was asking for help and walking in and going through the card. But I was also, I hear people tell me all the time like, oh yeah, I'm going to my cousin's wedding and I'm going to run into so and so and I'm going to dump an amend on them. They don't say that. And I'm like, wow, really? Is that really, you know, I was told I had to make an appointment. You know, if they were breathing, there were an appointment needed to be made and it needed to be at their convenience. Yeah. So I could meet with me. I could ask them if I could write them a letter to let me know if they ever are ready. You know, there was a lot of things I can do and I can make living amends by changing my behavior. But it was all up to the other person. You know, it wasn't me deciding how it was going to happen. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. I had something else to say and I totally lost it. Sorry. Oh, I know. Really important to, cause I have made this mistake and Finis made this mistake. Don't wing it on your own. Like I've, I've had that experience. I remember my older brother, like I told myself, Oh, I'm in his house in Vermont. He lives, he lived on, yeah, he lived in Woodstock and I just happened to be up there for the weekend and he was on my list and I thought, Oh, I've written this out. I should remember it. I don't need to call my sponsor. And so we're just sitting in the living room with his, his like kind of girlfriends over here and I just go, Hey. Yeah. I just wonder if you had time to like, you know, an AA and we do those events and I mean, what's he going to say? No. So of course he's going to say yes. And his poor girlfriend like could hear every, it was like totally selfish of me. So he was gracious and lovely, but it could have been a ton better. So you know, running it by your sponsor, somebody else is always a great idea when I'm in like self will and have these, you know, suddenly the thought crossed my mind up at whiskey and the milk. Or milk and the whiskey or whatever we'll see in the milk or however that interpretation in my real life goes, it's usually not a good idea. So yeah, running it by someone always a good plan going over the bullet points, always a good plan. You know, I have people email me stuff and review it and it's like so interesting because you can write something and it may even sound like you're not blaming them, but in your language, you really are blaming them. Yeah. But really, you don't know it. So it's really important, the whole languaging and how you say stuff. Yeah, and just to get back to the list, like for me, my sponsor did not talk about going back into my fourth step. My sponsor said, pray and you will get names. And my names, most of them were not on my fourth step. Like I knew the really horrible shit I did. I mean, I had some relationships, family members and stuff like that. But there was some biggies that, yeah, I was a drug addict. You know, I stole a bunch of shit. So I mean, yeah, I literally knew because the stuff that had made me sick for years, sick to my stomach, like that stuff was the first stuff. And then obviously the people and we reviewed our list together. So that was super important. Yeah, I hear people always say like the promises occur. They're coming true for me. And they haven't done the steps. And, you know, they probably are. But I don't know in the depth that they do because, you know, before we're halfway through, it's talking about the ninth step amends. It's not talking about like, you know, whatever amount of time we're staying sober or whatever. And for me, I'll talk about the one. I'm going to share the one. I'll share a few amends, but I'm going to share the one amend that I went rogue. It's not a big deal, but it was real simple. I'm like I. I used to rip off the Cumberland Farms in Kingston. My cousins live in Kingston and we would, you know, the older cousins taught us how to like go in there and make sure we got enough, you know, snacks for the week. And and that came up, you know, that was one of the institutions. So I was like, what do I what do I need my sponsor for for this? I'll just write a letter. Right. So I sat down. I wrote this beautiful letter, figured out how much money I probably owed them. I don't know how I figured it out. I can't remember. But I wrote this amazing letter about the amazing, amazing person I've become today. And I put the I put a personal check in it and I put it in the mail. And I'm not lying when I say I was like, they'll never cash it. They're going to be so impressed. They cashed that check. I swear to God, it left the Cape, hit Kingston and it was out of the bank. And I just remember being like, oh, I'm talking to my sponsor about it. Like, I can't believe they cashed the check. They took my hard earned money, you know. And it's just funny, like looking back on it, I had no clue, you know, and I just my motives were not clear. You know, I wasn't making an amend. I was, you know, still my ego is involved. I'm still like pretending I'm somebody I'm not and hoping I'm going to save myself a dime. Right. No, didn't work. Yeah. So that that was my one rogue one. I learned my lesson, you know, and I would sit with myself. I would sit with myself. I would sit with my sponsor. I'm like, I got this great idea. I know how I'm going to make an amend to this person. Right. So my aunt, I had I got drunk instead of taking her to chemo. I was supposed to pick her up at the boat because I lived off Cape and drive her. You know, nice, nice guy. Right. Don't go. And I said, I'm going to grow my hair out because my aunt had subsequently died. And I'm like, I'm going to grow my hair out and I'm going to donate it. Right. For people to have wigs. And my sponsor said, wow. And I go to my sponsor like with this. Brilliant idea, because I know they're going to be really impressed with me. And my sponsor said, oh, are you going to put an ad in the paper, too, and let everyone know what you're doing? Because my sponsor knew I'd be growing my hair out and people would be like, why are you growing your hair out? And I get to tell them this amazing story about how I'm donating my hair to the cancer. You know, like this is but this is how it was still operating. You know, the first time I went through the steps, I like I, you know, I'm going to make I was just about to make an excuse. No, it's just full of. Shit. And, you know, still still very much self-reliant and full of ego and everything. And yeah. And I wonder, do you want to share an amend? Like, should we share one? Because I have more. I'll just sit here rattling off some things that. Well, I was just going to just say a couple of things from the book. It talks about repairing the damage. It's a drastic self-appraisal. So hopefully we can be of maximum service to God. And you said it. It has. Has that phrase take the bit in your teeth, which kind of says to us, right, that sometimes it's really not easy. We are willing to go to any lengths to have a spiritual experience. Yeah. OK. And then I talked then I got a few months that I yeah, I can say something. Sorry. Are you got someone. Oh, I got I have like three or four that I want to share. But I'm saying we could go back and forth. All right. I'm going to share one because I think a lot of people you talk about exes. I think. Sometimes it's really hard. I hear this a lot in meetings, like that fricking divorce lasted forever and she took everything. You know, and it's like I know that feeling. I've been divorced twice. The second divorce, we left the courthouse holding hands. The first one, like, believe me. That night I was at a meeting going off. So, I mean, I get it. I get the anger and I get the feelings. And the thing that I finally understood with this work is that who's being harmed. Right. Me, because I'm like in a rage. So I went through this bad divorce. I had a child and I asked him to leave when my son was six months old. And oh, God, see, I'm wanting to make bad comments. I'm not going to do it. Um. I asked him to leave when my son was six months old and he, um, we had really different parenting ideas. Like my idea was the child comes first and his idea was, see, now I want to say something negative. I will not do that. Um, we had different parenting styles. I was in a lot of rage about that first couple of years because I really felt like a victim. And I remember calling this attorney. Yeah. And saying, how can he not pick his kid up? Like, I don't get it. Like he's supposed to do blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'll never forget this. The attorney said, you can't make anyone be a parent. You can't make anyone want to spend time with their kid. Like you can't do that. You have to create a life where you're not relying on him for your own happiness and your needs. And that was fricking. And I was in a hard chunk of truth to swallow, but I swallowed it. And this guy for several years, I was in so much rage and anger towards. And after I did this writing, you know, and Finn talks about those three columns. So I did up three columns. I had the really easy ones, the ones that may take a little bit of praying and the ones that are going to be virtually impossible. And he was not even in. And I was in the middle of the three columns because I never really it never occurred to me that I actually owed this guy an amend, which is shocking. We were married. We're together for several years. So anyways, made it to the never column, made it to the maybe eventually. Now, that amend with this guy was literally one of the most powerful amends I've ever done, because to go from being so enraged with a person and being so victimized by him to again doing the writing and seeing his life from his perspective and what I had done was like a total, total shift in my perception of reality. I mean, I it's so bizarre because literally on the break he called me to talk about my son. So I mean, the damage has been, you know, healed. I made amends for my part. I never brought up anything. He did. And I think I may have mentioned yesterday, asked him, I don't know if I said it here. And I asked him at the end, is there anything else? And he did tell me something else. And that created our connection to raise our son together. You know, that was done pretty early on. So that's a miracle that you can actually feel such hatred and rage towards someone and get the freedom in that relationship and actually raise children together. So that's just a big example of one of them. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. When I, I'll just share a little difference. Something that I learned through doing my amends. Well, first I'll talk about one. I actually wasn't willing to do one the first time or I didn't know somebody's name. And it's somebody I grew up with. I knew many, many years, even into my adulthood, that what happened was. we were at a bar and I thought we were all drinking and partying. The person pissed me off so I went up the street to their store and I threw a boulder through the picture window and then I, for the next 20 years, helped them try to figure out who did it. And I couldn't think of this person's name. You know, I grew up with them. I knew them for a long time. And when it came to the amend, I had the action on my amend list but I couldn't think of their name. And my sponsor would say pray for the willingness. And I'd say, I will. Pray for the willingness. And I could not come up with this person's name. And I wanted, I thought I wanted to make the amend. And I'm like, I will. Pray for the willingness. I will. I will. And I'm on the bus coming home from Boston from work and my sponsor is like, do it now. You're going to think I'm making this up but I asked and I prayed for the willingness and the name popped into my head. I was like, damn. So, you know, when I got home I called them to make an appointment. And it turns out, like, I was the alcoholic who didn't notice if you didn't drink. And this person never drank. Was always out with us partying. To have to meet with somebody and say, remember this old man? That was me. And, you know, the response from the person was, I'm so glad you got sober. You were not nice. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And to have them show up, like, I'm just really grateful that you got sober. You know, and I had to make a financial amends, too. And at this point, my second sponsor was, it's not your money, get a bank check. And they get it whether they want it or not. I did not like that. I would have switched up sponsors if I could have because... But, you know, that for me was huge. And one of the things that I learned was... I had like many of us I purchased a vehicle from my sister and her husband and I made a few payments and then I decided I didn't need to make anymore you know and they're hard-working people with kids and I owed them like three grand and the first time when I made my amends they said we don't want the money we just want we're glad you're sober we want you in our life blah blah the kids love you blah blah I'm like great so I go through and do the steps again and they come up again on my ninth step amend and they're on my eight step list and I'm like what the heck and at this point we've had a falling out from some other stuff and you know one of those outside issues we don't talk about in a a you know so we've kind of parted ways but I reach out to them you know I would like to make an amend and they are like no and and uh I said well would you be willing to let me write you a letter and they said yes and you know so I had to get a three grand bank check write this amend and send it and I was free and what that taught me was no matter what the person sitting in me in front of me goes through no matter what how they want to absolve me or anything that my amends aren't about them they're about me my behavior and my relationship with my higher power and I cleared that up yeah you know and Yeah it wasn't that we had a falling out that was a big deal for me that was just why I didn't get to meet with them again but the fact that like I saw that I was like wow I thought that I was absolved but they cannot do that the only way I get that and that's why like if you flip that when somebody doesn't accept your amend and they're still telling you off it doesn't matter you've done your part if you've done it you know the way that um you know you've been guided to and for me that that was I was a huge learning curve and my sponsor today says that his role his marriage vows are between him and his higher power not between him and his wife and I found that fascinating because he shows up every day he gets home from work he preys on the stoop that he doesn't go in there with this attitude I've had a long day I can't deal with you people but he shows up as a husband and father like he wants to be like his higher Power wants him to be and that his vows and his relationship and how he treats his family has to do with how anyone in his family is acting. It's between him and God and that really like it's just been you know huge and that's how the amends are for me. They're between me and my higher power they're not between me and that person I'm making an amend. That said there's nothing better than you know there were things with I have one ex that I owned a house we lived together I tried to break up my ex wouldn't leave the house so I moved out and then they finally moved out because I was like you can stay in my house you're gonna have to pay the bills and the way that whole thing ended was not very healthy and I did you know after when I got through the second part and my sponsor's like you need to make amends to exes I made that bullet list and I sat with that ex and I went through everything and and I watched the person change in front of me. Now we hadn't been together and I don't know 20 years or something when I made that amend. But they just turned and then when I said is there anything you'd like to add they were like yeah well when I called you when the furnace broke in the middle of the winter you were like oh and you didn't even like get back to me for three days and I was like wow I'm really sorry you know like at the time I was thinking well I didn't say this but at the time I was thinking about me I never once thought like here's a person living without heat for three it never occurred to me I didn't care you know but I could sit there and I genuinely cared you know now like I don't want to put anybody through that I don't care. You know for me it's all like what am I gonna get and you know and a few other exes going through like I have one say like does everybody in AA do this this is amazing you know and they couldn't believe all the things I remembered you know like the details of things that I had done and I couldn't believe I remembered him either I was just me praying and being like all right what do I need to make an amend for. Anyway back to you. Yeah the specifics are important too. You know I'm thinking about oh that the specifics not like I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Yeah sorry I did this like what did you do? What did you do? What did you say? How did you act? Like what specifics? Mm-hmm that was key because that was hard to do when I first started writing them. I'd be like I was mean to you. How? Right you know and if you did nine million things you don't have to list every little thing but you got to make sure that that person sitting in front of me, I needed to make sure that that person sitting in front of me knew exactly what I was making amend for. Yeah and I'm just gonna go back to the whole general theme about being an addict and recovering. And you know I often say I would say addicts want to be 72 and sunny all the time because like when I drank I was always trying to get like that perfect combo to feel that exact right way which lasted like you know five minutes until I you know put something else in. But it's the same way in recovery for me like this is the thing I want to feel good. I'm an addict. I want to feel good pretty much all the time which is not possible. But the thing about the amends is it goes back to the fourth step in a way which is if I'm angry and fearful and shamed, if I'm angry around the resentments, if I'm still in fear, if I'm still in shame around the sexual stuff and I'm holding on to that stuff I can read it in a fifth step but if I don't clear it up in the ninth step and I am still stuck with the anger, the fear and the shame then that's where I'm gonna sit. Right and that's the thing that happens with folks who are like I finished my fifth but I'm not really doing all of that emotion that got stirred up in your fifth step. Some of it is gone and some of it is just freaking activated and now it's time to like oh my god I have all this shame about what I did to this person but if I don't clean it up in the ninth step that's gonna keep happening. So to me if you can think about it like I want to feel free, I want to feel like I'm not going to be able to do this. And I want to feel good. And even though it's a temporary experience of pain and discomfort, which they are, they're freaking uncomfortable I mean most of them, you know. You get beyond it and you get past it and then you get this release of energy and that's where you feel awesome usually. And again not all of them amends go perfectly. Finn's had an experience and I've had an experience where the person wasn't that thrilled about the amend but and that happens too and that's not my business i only am responsible for my part but this is really where you can get the freedom because i don't want to still be angry because like i'm saying who's suffering i am if i'm going to still be mad at my ex i'm suffering if i'm still going to be afraid to talk to someone about something i did i'm suffering and i want to be free so this stuff is really really powerful and important um i could tell another one if you unless you want to um anything else yeah i was going to say like i having been like a member of big book step study and sitting in cycle after cycle in different meetings i got to hear a lot of people's experience with the ninth step and so i knew the potentials and what you know it i still know the potentials of the potentials and what you know i still don't know that i still don't know did that one on my own even though they you know i heard not to do that because i thought you know it's innocuous it's just a little letter or whatever that's not how it was supposed to go but um but i had heard so many things and i was grateful and i will say this like when i went in to make my amends i remember it like my dad left us when i was a kid he's a drunk he you know like he he just did he still is just did all of the things he does i would say is absent and now like you know as i got older only calls me when he needs stuff and you know i'm like always rescuing him but i still he was on my amend list you know i need to make an amend and um it but you know my amend isn't about his behavior and i remember like i'm sitting outside his house like freaking out my higher power like i sit here and i say oh i made this amend i made that and meant my knees were like knocking at everyone i just was asking for help and i trusted that i would get it and you know i'd be so nervous and shaking and you know i went through all these my dad's wife i used to call her um my step monster which i don't do anymore but that's like all she was to me and i never said it to her face because you know i need people to think i'm nice but i would say it to everybody else and and i was really horrible to her and um i wanted to do her men separate you know from my dad but they're like no do them together and i was like wow so i'm sitting at the table and i'm going through my amend with my dad and at the end of it i say is there anything else and he starts blasting me like when you were eight you hurt my feelings and you were and i'm just sitting here like bit in my mouth i didn't say anything you know what but i also didn't own things i wasn't responsible for so that's the thing like when people came back at me with things if i own them i owned them my dad's stuff was about him you know and i i would i said to him i'm really sorry that you went through that and you felt that way but i didn't say anything about what i did because as a kid i don't owe him an amend for hurting his feelings because i was living with my mom and my dad and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry you know like that's not that's not something i did and um you know so i i was just really grateful to have had heard experiences so that wasn't a surprise to me i didn't react i had asked for help i was asking for help when he was blasting me at the table you know because i want to be like you know what you did you know i never mentioned anything about what kind of father he was and um and that that's not my norm that's the part of that thing where i said you know when all of a sudden i'm reacting not the person that I'm used to being. And I'm like, wow, how am I sitting here listening to this and not responding? But what was really helpful is having the experience of listening to how other people's amends went. And, you know, I heard it time and time again. Every time somebody would talk about the amends, there was always something where somebody got blasted at the end. And they, you know, they didn't react to it. And how freeing it was from that. Absolutely. And I got another amend experience that happens sometimes. And this blew my mind. So I had, this is going to sound so bizarre to you guys. But so when I was a kid, I used to go down to the Cape and stay with my cousins for a week. And I was probably, I don't know, 8 years old, 10 years old. My mother would send me down there for a week because, you know, she had a bunch of kids. And I didn't really know these cousins that well. And so I was anxious. And I was kind of forced. I was forced to play with them. It sounds so bizarre. My cousin Pam was about the same age. But I didn't really like her. You know, we didn't really get along that well. So one day, we went to the beach. And this is more to find, to say this out loud, you guys, but I buried her. I like buried, you know, she was, there was like this hole. And she was like in this hole playing. And I just, it was like I had this kind of. Fit of some kind. And I just like started like going like this in the sand. And like she was terrified. And she's in this like pit of sand. And I'm like, I'm like burying her. I mean, not over her head, of course. But and I literally look back at this incident. I was like, what was wrong with me? I think I was just like angry or enraged or afraid or something. So I kind of bury her like she's like up to her shoulders. And she's screaming. Anyways, I finally like, I don't know, ran away or something. That's the incident. That's the amend to be made to Cousin Pam. So I, this incident tortured me. I'm not kidding you. Over the years, the obsession of, oh, my God, what was wrong with me? I can't believe I was so little. I can't believe I was so mean. I can't believe, you know, and writing about it. Talking to shrinks about it. And oh, my God, I wonder whatever happened to Pam. Blah, blah, blah, you know. The freaking preoccupation and the mental obsession when you have guilt is so consuming. So I live in this town called Harvard. Suddenly I hear Pam's moving to Belmont, which is like a half an hour away. Haven't seen this cousin. Haven't talked to this cousin. And I think, I guess I got to get together with Pam. Make an amend. So I call her up and I say, hey, would you like to have dinner? I know we haven't seen each other in a long time. Blah, blah, blah. We get together for dinner. I tell her I'm in AA. So we sit at the table. I literally, and this is the thing I want to say about these incidents. The energy that was in my body from years of feeling guilty. Like I was literally vibrating out of the guilt, the shame, the remorse. So I'm at dinner. We finish. And she says, okay, you know, I'm, you know, and I tell her this. No memory. Zero memory of this incident. So think about what I'm saying, though. I'm telling you about something I did at 10 years old that I felt shame for years about. Years. And this woman. Has no memory of it. So, I mean, I'm just telling you that story because so much of the shit we did, we are torturing ourselves about it. And we don't know what happened to the other person. We really don't. Some of the amends I made, the person was like, wow, well, that's okay. I get that you feel bad about that. But I'm not saying all of them, but some of them. So that is another reason to do them. It's like talk about freedom. I do not think about Pam. And in fact, she and her husband are both active alcoholics. Maybe once she gets sober, she'll remember that incident. I don't know. Top of the fourth step. But I'm available to her. But, you know, it's just the whole thing is like, I don't want to be tortured. And this is the way to freedom. So I just wanted to do that. And earlier I lied. Someone did make an amend to me. I can't believe I forgot this because it wasn't that long ago. Um. And so when I was. Writing my fourth step the second time and going through the steps, I did. I was very diligent about it. But when my wife was in a coma in the hospital, I called my sponsor and I said, I can't write right now. I need I just need. So I took time off. But so I had a lot of amends when I got to the ninth step that were things that I had happened recently. And after my wife died, we had this all day thing where I'm just giving you a little background to the story. The Mary thing. So we had. My. My wife's service. And we did this four hours. And, you know, with AA and somebody who's been in it that long, I literally stood and hugged people for four hours straight. Just they just kept coming, you know. And and then after this, we had a party at a friend's house, like a celebration of life where people could talk about her. And I was just going I mean, we're talking like she got bit by a tick. She was dead two weeks later. Got the kid. You know, we're working with this whole thing. And and then now we're having the service. And it's a really it's been a long month, you know, and all day long. I'm in trying to get ready. We hosted our own party. So my stepkids and I had to set that up. So by the time this incident happened, I think I had been on my feet for like 12 hours and in like out to lunch. You know, I'm grieving, but I'm also trying to do stuff. And I was just being there so other people could say goodbye to my wife. I hadn't really taken care of myself yet. Yeah. And I was going to coffee with Sarah the day after and I was playing football with a buddy. We were just throwing the ball back and forth at the end of the day. And this woman, a friend of ours, came up and she said she asked me something. I don't remember the incident, but evidently she thought I was short with her. And so evidently later on, what she explained to me was that she had asked what I was doing the next day. And I was like, I'm meeting with Sarah. Now, Sarah was her sponsor. So I don't know if she felt slighted. I don't know what the deal was there. But anyway, what happens is this friend had been reaching out every day. All of a sudden, I don't hear from her for like a week. So I reached out. I'm like, hey, is everything okay? She's like, well, I'm having an issue with you. But if you're free on Friday, I'll come over and tell you what it is. And I said, okay. Now, mind you, my wife just died. Like, I'm out of my mind. So we're sitting in my back. And she's saying, well, you were really rude to me. And I said, wow, I'm really sorry. I don't even know what you're talking about. But I'm really sorry. I wish you had said something at the time. I don't want to be rude, you know, whatever. So that, you know, happens. And I'm not even aware that now I've got a resentment because I was just so mocus from grief that I didn't really know what was going on. So fast forward like a week or two, and I'm out with Sarah. We're watching a movie. It was like that. It was like that. It was like that. It was like that. It was like that. It was like that. And I'm out with Sarah. And I'm out with Sarah. And I'm out with Sarah. And I'm out with Sarah. And I had fun, you know. And I get a phone call from the same woman. And she's like, why aren't you at home? I'm in your driveway. Your sponsees are all worried about you. And I'm like, really? Because I just talked to them on the phone. Like, nobody seems to be worried about me. And anyway, I get home. And it was like this insane asylum coming at me. I'm getting screamed at. And I just start laughing because it was, I was laughing because I knew that the person was in a reaction. That I was out with their sponsor. Like, what kind of games are you playing? And I'm like, this is lunacy. But I also recognized me who needed, like, what I needed from people. And, you know, I needed, I would just be very, like, they're spending time with so-and-so. That means they're not caring about me. There's no time for me. So I laughed because I recognized that condition. Anyway, she ends up leaving. I'm going through it because I'm really, you know, I'm doing my four-step of that. And that was, like, I had some major. I had some major resentments coming out there. But then I get to the eighth step. And, well, I'll be damned. I was really pissed off that she showed up on that list that I owed her an amend. And I'm like, what could I possibly owe her an amend for? So I go through it, you know. And the thing was, I hadn't realized, like, the week before at dinner, I had kind of been like, oh, yeah, I'm going out with Sarah. Like, I was literally sticking it to her that I was going to spend time with her sponsor. But I didn't even realize I was doing it, you know. So, you know, that, there was a few other things. So. Now, mind you, everybody that I feel like I made an amend to, I feel like they owed me amends, too. But that's not my business, right? So I finally get willing. I go through this whole thing with my sponsor. I call, make an appointment. I make an amend. And I go through all the stuff. And the next day, she calls me back. And she says, can I just talk to you about that amend again? So I'm like, well, I'll get back to you. So I talk to my sponsor. My sponsor. She's like, it's up to you. You made your amend. You decide. So I was like, what's it going to hurt? I'm free of it. So I call her back. She's like, well, I'm looking at the spreadsheet of the things you said. And I was like. Oh, boy. And she wanted clarification about what I meant about certain things. And, you know, I just prayed. Because as soon as I heard I'm looking at the spreadsheet, I'm like, you're freaking making a record here, you know. So I went, you know, I answered the questions. There was some questions. There was some questions about what I meant by the things that I had done. And I just went through them, got off the phone. I was free of it, you know, whatever. And now I'm sitting back waiting for my call. When, you know, we're going to make this appointment. And there's a reason why I said I'd never gotten the amends that I was owed. Because I wanted to block this one out. And you might not even be guessing why. So I don't know. It was like a year, two years later. She calls. And asks me to have coffee. Doesn't say we're going to make an amend or anything. And I knew that it was the amend. Because we hadn't had coffee. It wasn't like I just cut her out mad. I was just done with that. I can't have that insanity in my life. And so I'm like, yeah, sure, I'll have coffee with you. And I'm stewing. Because I'm like, she wants to make an amend. And she's calling it coffee. And that's not how you do it. You know. So the next day she calls me back. And she says, I have to be honest with you. I want to make an amend. I was like, damn, can't be mad. All right. So I met her for this amend. And I was like, this is going to be bullshit. Excuse my language. This is not going to be an amend. This woman sat down, read the bullet points of everything that she did. And she really missed the fact that my wife had just died. So. When she said, is there anything else? And I said, well, I was just really surprised, you know. And she didn't even realize. She was so self-centered at the time that she was like, oh, my gosh. And she was so. Yeah, she was just so honest and clear. And she owned everything. And then, you know, we were chatting. And she was telling me something about her wife. And I said, you know, my experience with that. And I end up. Sharing something with her. And I never really. I never really talked to her wife because she's not in the program. And she was telling me about this communication style between the two of them and how they owe in her wife had texted her while we were together saying she wanted to have a talk. She was like, oh, great. She talks in circles. And, you know, she's not direct. And and I said, well, you know, sometimes that's fear. Maybe she's, you know, and and she recognized that she was doing to her wife what her wife's father did to her and everything. And so I leave the amend. We have this conversation. I made some suggestions about how to, you know, like maybe just recognize that her wife could be in fear when she's trying to tell her something, you know, whatever. So I'm driving home. And now, like Sarah and a few other my friends know that this person's made an amend to me. And I really wanted it to be a bad amend. Well, I'm like, I'm not going to tell them. She really, you know, I was invested in what kind of a jerk she was to me. Poor me. Right. Still, I'm like, and this wasn't. Long ago. And, you know, I was like, wow, I really I got to admit, you know, that that was an authentic, like really freeing for me. I felt like she owned everything. And, you know, and what what came out of that for me was I got to see like I still want victim. I still want to be the victim. You know, I still want the story. So it was very freeing. And you could see why I forgot about it, because I don't want to admit that anybody did, you know, like righted the wrong with me or whatever. And, you know. So I I might have even said to you, like, I can't believe this. I have to admit it was really good. I was impressed. I was really impressed because that person who showed up to make my amend was not the person I had known for years. I was just like, I don't know who you are, whatever. And about two weeks later, a wife called me crying, like, I don't know what you said to her, but it changed that. We've been together for 20 years and I've never been listened to before. And I really like so much beauty can come out of the stuff that you don't realize. But anyway, I just want to share that because I blocked that amend right out. I just want to address. We're going to wrap up shortly, but I want to address amends with people that aren't here anymore. Super, super important. You know, people often say, you know, how does that happen? They're not on the planet and they feel upset that they're not on the planet. And how can I make up for the things that I did, et cetera, et cetera. So I'm going to tell you. I had two. Really, really big ones that really were transformative. Sometimes their parents. So my mom was deceased when I was doing this. And I did what's called the gravesite amend. And this is a woman. I could cry thinking about her. I mean, she was such an unbelievable human being, like so spunky and really feisty. I mean, this is where I get my personality from. Very feisty. She was a drunk. And yet I had so much rage towards this woman. And when I was a drug addict, I treated her so horribly and I stole. So shameful to admit her engagement ring, her mother's engagement ring, the silver she inherited from her mother, sold it at a pawn shop. The pearls she got from her mother pawn shop. I like literally robbed that house blind. And I had so much guilt. I was. I felt so guilty about it. I felt so bad about it. I was like, this is just too much. And I had this never ending guilt and shame. And she never got sober. And, you know, died. And we had some repairing in our relationship when I was in graduate school in California, she came out and we kind of had a real kind of come to Jesus connection. But that stuff haunted me. Haunted me. And with my sponsor, I made, you know, I made the list of all the specifics. and really feeling what it was like to be her with a drug addict daughter. I mean, that, when I really, I can get goosebumps thinking about that because I have a kid with a drug addict daughter stealing the stuff that she held precious to her. And, I mean, I really get that. And so that gravesite amend where I just freaking told the truth sobbed, listed everything. And then I told her what an amazing person she was. And I am telling you, and I'm not kidding when I say this, I have a better relationship with my mother now than I ever did. That woman shows up in my life constantly. I mean, in this kind of real energetic way. And that's just my reality. Like, I really feel like we have a connection now. And the only reason... The only reason that happened is because I did that work. The last one I'm going to say, probably before we wrap up, I don't know if we're going to have time, is my second husband who relapsed. So, like I said, he was someone I married, you know, my son was three years old when we got married. God, I have so many funny stories about Beau. When he first was going to sleep at our house, my son went into our bedroom and I had changed the room around, you know, the two tables instead of my bed up against the wall. And my son kept bringing shit in from his room and stacking it on the table next to where he would be sleeping. He wasn't that excited about George arriving in a picture. Anyways, so George came into our life when he was three, turning four, and we got married. We moved to Bolton. I bought a house. Beau was starting kindergarten. And by... I asked him to leave when Beau was in fifth grade. So that's the amount of time. So initially, in the first few years, this fantasy relationship, blah, blah, blah. He ends up having a surgery. He had a motorcycle accident. He had like one thing. Then it was just med-C Hewlett surgeries. Just a shit show. I had so much pain over, like I said earlier, around him relapsing. And not just him relapsing, but the loss. The loss of the fantasy. Like, I thought this was it. Like, this was it for me. I mean, George was a big book guy, man. He had 15 years of sobriety. Like, and what is so weird about drug addiction and alcoholism and denial is that I never had one thought ever that he would relapse. Not one! I mean, we get in these relationships with addicts, and we never, never cursed him, you know, to make him relapse. And I'm like, I don't know if it's me that he can relapse. So he relapsed. My, our lives became a shit show. And the day I asked him to leave was a day the babysitter showed up with my son. And George would pick Bo up at school on Tuesdays, and he never picked him up. And that was it for me. It was like, I kept in my head thinking, oh, he's not impacting Bo. But the day he forgot to pick him up, he was gone. Anyways, long story short, he ends up dying. We took two years of trying to figure it out. He went to a sober house, blah, blah, blah. Never happened. Never worked out. And I really believe from the day I asked him to leave, I knew it was over because I was so enraged and so hurt. But I couldn't really come to that conclusion until we kind of tried to work it out for those two years. Anyways. I do. I do my, I do another set of writing. A lot of times we do these kind of extended tense steps where we kind of just do a tune-up. And so I did a tune-up. And never occurred to me that I owed George an amend. Never. He fucked up my life in my head, right? What do I have to apologize for? And then I realized, wow, you know, we were together, what, seven years, and I never did one thing wrong? I mean, come on. You know? And my rage covered up my own stuff that I had done. But suddenly I saw that, oh, my God, like I got to do an amends to George. It was like shocking to me. Talked to my sponsor. Now, George and I used to go up to, somebody here is from Kennebunkport. I can't remember who I was talking to. And, yeah. And so we used to go up to this beach up there, Parsons Beach, all the time. And we'd get up there super early, and we'd go out to Parsons, and we'd spend the day there. And so I thought to myself after I wrote out that amend, what I'm going to do is I'm going to drive up to Parsons, ugh, I'm going to drive up to Parsons Beach early in the morning before anybody gets there, and I'm going to go out to where we used to sit, and I'm going to do my amends. And I always say, people know me as saying all the time, like freedom is what we're looking for. Right? So I get to the beach, and there's only one car there. And this guy is getting out of his car. And, of course, what's my first sick thought? George is hooking me up. My first thought is, oh, this must be my next boyfriend. Anyways. So there's this guy getting out of his car, and kind of I'm preoccupied, and I'm thinking about, okay, I've got to walk down and go there. And we just said hi. And, you know, nothing happened. Nothing big. Hi, hello. And I go down. I go down to Parsons. I walk down this long street. I make the amend. I have my feelings. I'm crying. I, you know, do my whole thing. I feel free. And it's like this was, I think this was my last one. I'm not sure about that, but I think so. And so I'm walking back, and, like, you know, the sun had risen, and oddly enough, this guy at the same time is getting into his car. And I say, oh, hi. And so we're saying goodbye, and just as I'm about to leave, I go, hey, where are you from? And he goes, Freedom, New Hampshire. And I was like, holy shit. Thank you. You know what I mean? Like, what are the odds, right, that that guy is telling me I'm free now? And so when I say the magic happens here, the magic happens here. And I'm like, oh, my God. And so I'm free. Yeah. I wanted to just share a little bit about, you know, we keep talking about freedom and the relief. I want to tell you who I was before I did the, how I was in my life before I did my ninth step. I couldn't go to the mall because there were too many people, and I wouldn't know who was seeing me, so I didn't know who I was supposed to be. And I didn't know who I'd need to dodge. It was just too much. It started to be at the grocery store and everything. And this is in sobriety. You know, because when I was drinking, I didn't care. But I couldn't go places because I wouldn't know who would see me that I wouldn't know was seeing me. So I just didn't know how I was supposed to act. And after I did the ninth step and, you know, I completed my amends, I could go anywhere. I'm not a different person with different people. I don't owe anybody anything. Oh, that's not necessarily true. Like, I can't 100 percent guarantee that because what I've discovered about my higher power is the things that came out in writing. Whoops, somewhat puzzling. The things that came out, the stuff that came out in my writing came out like in my first fourth step and my second one, like when I was ready to deal with it. And there could be things that I still owe amends for that hasn't been revealed because maybe I wasn't ready to make that amend yet. So but the idea that I can go anywhere and not worry about who I run into is an amazing freedom. Like, I can't even get over it. I'm just. Yeah. And the last thing we're going to wrap up is. Yeah. I found this somewhere and I don't know if these things are true, but this is a list of things of consequences if you don't finish your amends. Oh, what an awful note to end on. Maybe I shouldn't end on this. It's a good point. Basically, the consequences are around still living in fear, not being able to be fully self-expressed, not being able to feel free, not having freedom in your thinking and your feeling and your self-expression, a limited ability to be present with other people because you're still spinning on some level unconsciously. They're still spinning stuff around. And the last thing is a limited ability to express love. And I don't know why that person wrote that, but it's something to think about, because if I'm burdened with my history still, then I'm going to be still shut down to a certain degree. And I want to be as open as I possibly can. Okay. That's it. I rent a room to a woman and she always says to me, because she stalled off on her ninth step, that, well, she's afraid. She's very well aware that it's fear. And in the big book, the fear isn't supposed to stop us. It doesn't matter. And that's the thing. I don't think there's going to be relief from my fear of making the amend until I go through it. And it's such an amazing, like that, I think I've used that word 9 million times, so I apologize. But I never, if you had asked me, like all the times you've listened to people talk about nine steps, what do you think you'll get from it? It's always the worst ones that I think are going to be the worst that I walk away with this incredible experience, more awakening, closer to my higher power. Like it blows my mind. I never could have anticipated how it was going to come out. So if you stalled off, like ask for help. Just do it, man. Like you will not know. You cannot know. We cannot tell you. If I could give this to people, I'd be handing it out like chiclets. But you can't. You have to have your own experience and it doesn't happen unless you do it. So that would be my only suggestion. Okay. Do it. Awesome. Thank you guys. Amen.