Sandy B. on the Spiritual Society of AA and the Big Book Treasure Map

My name is Sandy Beach, and I'm an alcoholic. It's a pleasure to talk to you all. These are very powerful events. And I can feel how much you all love each other. And some of us have just met you. And I'm going to take home a lot from this weekend. What I plan to do tonight is take about ten minutes to tell you my story, and then I'd like to talk on the subject of the spiritual society known as Alcoholics Anonymous. I got sober on December 7th, 1964 in Washington, D.C., and I had the same sponsor for 42 years, two months, and two weeks. And he passed away last year. His name was Bill Terwilliger, and we were both Marine captains when he came and 12-stepped me. He finished his career and I lost mine, but we both ended up with the greatest journey you can have, which is long-term sobriety in AA and the bonding of one man to another in a sponsorship relationship that lasted that long. So I was a pretty lucky guy. And before he was done, he was real sick with lung cancer, and we got together near the end and we just celebrated. I said, man, have we had a trip or not? And it was a very happy reunion. And there's really nothing sad about moving on to the big meeting in the sky. I can hardly wait. We make too big a deal out of the end of this little short period of time. It's really not a big deal at all. Anyway, I was born in 1931 in New Haven, Connecticut. My parents had just come out of the Depression. So I went through World War II, a pretty exciting period. My parents took very good care of my sister and I, and yet we both ended up being alcoholics. She has 30 years up in New Heaven, Connecticut, And I had polio as a kid. It kind of took me out of commission for a year. And somehow, miraculously, on some of the polio patients, the Sister Kenny treatment worked. And I got the use of my arm and leg back enough to become a fighter pilot in the Marine Corps. I don't know why, but I didn't feel that I belonged in that family. Now, there's only four of us and I'd sit at the dinner table. Thanks. And I could see them as a unit and then there was me. I was sort of the outsider. I have no idea what that is until I got to AA and I found out that everybody felt that way. They felt they just didn't belong. They didn't know what was wrong but there was something missing. And we later on find out what it was. I was a good student, a good athlete and I went into a little prep school right in New Haven that funneled right into Yale University I got down there that university wasn't special to me I grew up with it my father worked there but when I arrived as a student with all the people from around the country they were also they all were rich I don't know they all wore out of my league And I felt like, what am I doing here? And I thought during that freshman year that Dean was going to call us out on the old campus and announce to the thousand freshmen, gentlemen, we found an imposter in our midst. A man who clearly does not belong with the rest of us. And then he was going point at me and they were going to get rid of me. I don't know why I had that. I just had it. later on I realized that after I got to AA that these are the ideas that we come up with in our head and then we believe them and then when we react to them and they frighten us and they make us feel insecure I was raised in the Catholic Church my sister loved it she still goes thinks it's the most wonderful kind, loving safe place in the world I thought it resembled Auschwitz. It terrified me to be there. They're talking Latin, they're spraying stuff around, smoke. What is that? And the nuns and their little thing, they look like Gestapo agents that were after me. And then going in the confession and a box and there's a guy up there. they're just gathering evidence as I shared so I had no comfort whatsoever out of the church and I guess I was around 10 and I had my first spiritual insight I was staring at the crucifix it was as if it spoke to me and it said little boy do you see this pretty big up there well this is what God did to his only son that he loved guess what he's going to do to you now as you can see that's not what the Catholic Church taught but that's what I said they taught anyway, I'm at the university I'm 19 years old I don't drink or smoke I'm going to be on the track team and I'm gonna get all A's but I'm terrified to be there. I don't like to meet people. I couldn't go up and see them and I had to meet this group where my name was on a list to go in a room and I said, alright, I'll try to meet these guys. Just walk up, stick your hand out. Sounds so easy. And I remember walking over and they had already divided it up into four or five groups and I walked over and all the people, maybe seven in that group, turned and with their eyes They said, don't come any closer. We have no interest in knowing you. Do you get the message? It just took my breath away. There was such a strong message coming out of their eyes. And as I went around, no one wanted to know me. So I didn't meet anybody. And they did have a bar and I said, well, my roommates are kidding me about not drinking. Why don't I have a drink? It'll make you feel better. And I had two drinks waiting to feel better, talking to the bartender. Nothing happened. I think I was halfway through the third one. I said, well, this stuff doesn't work. I think i'll leave. And I turned around and looked over at these group of guys. Everyone in the room wanted to know me. They were all looking at me, begging me to join their group. everywhere I looked there were people going hi come here come here God we want to know you really I can't believe it so in two and a half drinks it had no effect on me but it changed the world into a wonderful place it changed you into nice people and as I walked over towards the group I was a boy I was going to meet everyone I found myself agreeing with them They would be lucky to know me. That was a new feeling for me to have. And I intuitively knew how to say everything. I could talk and yak and this and that, and I talked until they all left. Don't leave, don't leave. I'm talking, I'm taking. This is the first time I've ever been comfortable in my own skin. It was as if the alcohol lifted the fear thing that was blocking me from being me. And suddenly I'm creative. Everything got out of the box. And I could be me in front of all the people. It was like freedom. I got out OF jail. It was just, holy God, I've only been drinking an hour. Pretty amazing experience. And I said, well, if three drinks did that, I wonder what 20 will do. So I went back up to the bar and drank, drank, drink, drank. And of course it made me violently ill. I puked all night and slept by the toilet. And I got on the bed the next morning with a hatchet in my head. And just, oh boy, I was hurting. And the thought occurred, are you going to drink again tonight? Half a second. Of course I am. This throwing up and hatchet is a small price to pay for what I had last night. So you can see, I'd only been drinking one day and I'd already decided that I would go to any length to keep drinking. Whatever it cost me, I'll be glad to pay. That's how important alcohol was. It isn't that important to a social drinker. They wouldn't throw up blood for a couple of years just to keep drinkin'. But we would. In other words, the reason I'm an alcoholic is because of that transforming experience that alcohol caused that made me realize I had found the secret to life. And as long as I had this in my possession, I was ready for the future. Of course, I almost flunked out. I was on no athletic teams. I got in fights. I'm getting arrested. My teeth are getting knocked out. But boy, am I having fun. It was wonderful. The Korean War was going on. There was a draft. Everybody had to join the military, so a bunch of guys had a few beers and said, let's join the Marine Corps. Yeah, yeah, and we went down and signed up. And, of course, it takes a while to get adjusted to the Marine Corp., which is an understatement. And when they remake you in their image, it's quite a transformation. And after about three months, I said, this is the greatest organization I've ever been in. And when there was a chance to sign up to be a career officer, I signed the papers. I said I love this. There was a lecture on flying. Looked interesting. I'd never been in a plane, so I signed up for flight school. I met this lovely woman from Connecticut. The two of us got married and we went off on our honeymoon to Pensacola. And on the way down, I got air stick on the DC-3. They were all propeller planes then. And I got an air stick in the old SNJ and looked like I wasn't going to become a pilot. But after about four or five flights, the motion sickness went away. And then I became, I was really good at it. I would be number two or number three in each phase. It's 18 months of training. all the way from basic flying and knife flying and instrument flying and carrier flying and formation and gunnery and bombing and all that stuff. And lo and behold, I get my wings and the Korean War ends. I go to El Toro of California for some Marine Corps fighter training and I get sent overseas on a frontline fighter squadron with some of the fastest planes in the Far East. and everybody in the squadron drank like I did. It was the most exciting thing in the world. I couldn't have asked for anything better. It was high-level adventure. So if you were to look at me, you'd go, this guy's doing good. Look at the record. But the disease was starting and it was to take me down in about 12 years. I had 12 years of flying in the Marine Corps and then boom. Halfway through that tour, the maintenance officer who was a major was talking about how he wanted to get a squadron of his own. He wanted to gets good pilots and he pointed at me, a young lieutenant, and he said, I'd like you in that squadron. You are a great pilot, but I wouldn't let you drink. This is the guy I'm getting drunk with all the time. And I can't, you know, I just go, why would he say that? All the guys drank a ton. It wasn't until I got to AA that I realized that my drinking scared the heavy drinkers. You know what I mean? There was something about the way I drank. He went, I'm just getting drunk. I don't know what he's doing. I'm an alcoholic. There was an urgency. There was nothing that was remarkable about my drinking compared to these party guys. When they came back to the States, they toned it down. I just kept going. We ended up having six kids. I've got 15 grandchildren. Two of my daughters are in AA and one grandson's in AA, so I've Got Three Generations covered. So I'm doing my share as far as getting future members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to go on the record as we're all set, It'll be a while before I get a grandson in here, but I'm sure. I mean, a great-grandson. Very briefly, I was a forward air controller. I was flight instructor. And then finally, I Was in the photo squadron during the Cuban Missile Crisis. And at this stage of my drinking, it was very hard to stay in the plane. I would not drink for 12 hours and I would go into alcoholic withdrawals desperately needing a drink and then try to climb in the plane and I'd be shaking and trembling and I was just going man you probably shouldn't be doing this but there was nowhere to turn there were no alcohol programs there was nobody to talk to so I just said well maybe it'll clear up and I kept that up for about 9 months and there were times when And, I mean, I almost ejected a couple times because I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. I couldn'T stay in there. But somehow I would finish, I would finished, I was finished. And one day there were four of us on a cross-country, not in the photo plane, which is real high performance. This was a radar plane. We had two planes. And I had to get out of the plane. We were coming back home. and I just said, I've got to get out of here. The plane didn't have an ejection seat but it had a thing you pulled up and there was this ramp and you slid out the bottom and I was seriously thinking which would have left the radar guy on the plane with no pilot but you've got to do what you've got to do if you know what I mean And so I came up with a plan, and I declared an oxygen emergency. When the oxygen goes bad, you have to land right away because they don't know what it is you could pass out or whatever. So all these planes land at a nearby Air Force base, and we go in and start drinking while they check the oxygen, and there's nothing wrong with it. So the next day I went out and announced that I couldn't fly anymore. And that was a very humiliating experience, was to come back, because that was my whole identity. And I just said, I can't get in that plane anymore. And it took about three months, and then I got transferred to a different specialty, which was an air traffic controller. now a funny thing happened last year out in California some of you have heard this story I was getting ready to talk at Brentwood which has got about 500 people in their group and right before the meeting a woman who was getting her 30-year medallion had her husband drove her up there he's not an AA and he said to her who's this speaking up there he said Sandy B she said I think I know that guy. Tell him to come out and let me talk to him. So I went outside. Here's this guy. I've never seen him. And he looked at me, and he said, In 1962, you were flying an F-3D-2Q, which is a radar version of the F-4D-3Q, on a cross country with four airplanes. And you declared an oxygen emergency, and four planes had to land, and you never flew again. And I went, how did you know that? He said, I was in the plane with you. And it turns out it wasn't the radar guy. It was another pilot. And he retired from American Airlines. He was the second senior pilot. It had been a hurricane evacuation out of Cherry Point. And when the hurricanes are coming near the base, you fly the planes to somewhere safe and then you just drink until the hurricane goes away. Rough duty. So there's no radar guys going on that one. It's all pilots. So he was in the right seat. I didn't know him. I didn' t remember him. He was new in the squadron. But something interesting came out of the conversation. He came back the next day. He brought some pictures. and it's a very important spiritual lesson what I'm going to tell you right now I experienced three months of total shame in that squadron waiting for my orders I did the legal work for the squadron but I wasn't flying and everybody knew I failed that I ended up being afraid that I was ruining the reputation of the squadrons this was a very high level squadron no lieutenants lieutenant colonel two majors and 12 captains so it was really exclusive etc etc and i felt the eyes on those guys as they go by my office oh there is the fink and i could just feel it you know and i just sweat going in there so i was so relieved when i finally got my orders and went off. This guy says to me, did you know how popular you were in that squadron? Do you have any idea how much people liked you? Oh my God, the colonel was going up everywhere trying to get this straightened out. Everyone would have just given anything to keep you on flight status. God, did they hate losing you. Wow. My version of what happened was wrong. I just learned the truth about what happened in 1962. So I had to go back to 1962 and go erase, erase, erase, erase, erase, erase, erase, and put in the truth. So I went back and significantly improved my past by erasing ideas that weren't true. This is what our program is. It's getting rid of old ideas that aren't true but we think they are. and I realized that, that if I went back and listened to talks I gave when I had about ten years and compared them to now, I have a much better childhood now than I used to have. How could you have a better childhood than you used to? Than you used to have? I'm looking at it with spiritual eyes. I'm looking at it from the perspective of the transformation that occurs in here and I'm getting rid of old ideas about what my childhood was like. There were two versions. I've heard a speaker one night say, Hi everybody, I'm going to tell you my stories divided into two parts. What happened during the years that I drank and what I thought happened during those years. What happened in the years when I drank? Ho, ho, ho. It's very funny. But we can say that about our entire life. My childhood. What I thought happen during my childhood and what really happened. My marriage, my school years, you name it. There's two stories, the one you told yourself and the one that really happened. And as we get rid of the old ideas, the truth is then revealed about what it really was. And we begin to see God's world, not ours. And we start getting comfortable here. And life starts making sense. So I owe that man a great deal. for bringing that book and telling me what really happened and setting me free from some very painful old ideas that weren't true. It was a huge spiritual lesson just happened last year. Anyway, I became an air traffic controller of all things for a guy who's about to die of alcoholism. I didn't control any planes. The senior enlisted guys kept me away and I just was in a survival mood. I lost, and then I drank all the time overseas. And I lost 50 pounds. I had malnutrition, alcoholic poisoning. I came back to go to a career school. I had a grand mal seizure, bit my tongue. They put me in a hospital. What happened to this poor man? There was no alcohol treatment. And after about five days, I went into the delirium treatments. I freaked out. I thought the CIA was trying to break me mentally. and they were tricking me with Mission Impossible moving walls and just, my God, I was just going nuts. And evidently I screamed and yelled and they captured me and put me in a straitjacket and locked me up for six months in the nut ward. And that's how I got to turn around everything. Been there a while and the AA brought a meeting in. The psychiatrists really didn't think there were any alcoholics, but three of us went to the meeting. I heard about AA. I did drink again before I got released, and I took my last drink on December 7th, 1964, when I called the AA inner group, and they sent Bill over to my house. That's how you got sponsors in those days. They came to your house to get you, and it was real easy because you didn't have to pick one. It was done. And in order to finish your career in the military, you have to reach the grade of major. And we were both captains. We'd been captains a long time. And there comes a time when you either get picked for promotion or you have to leave. And he got picked and I had to leave so after two years of Friday, going to a meeting every night. My wife and my six kids and I are out in the street. I don't know what I'm going to do and I had the biggest resentment about the Marine Corps. I used to bring it up at meetings. Wine. God, people hated to see me. I'd be coming. And I thought I had really gotten the raw end of the deal. Three months after I was out there was a story in the Washington Post Very simple story It said the Marine Corps Amphibious War Prayer presentation team from Quantico Which I was on We traveled around putting on a presentation about the future of the Marine Corp Headed by a general and there was about 8 officers Marine Corps team killed in plane crash On the way to do a presentation in Denver So if life had been fair and I had been promoted like I should have been, I would have been on the plane. And so I remember reading that. I had Been Complaining to God. I mean, I said, thanks, God. Oh, boy, now I trust you. Yeah, you're the guy behind the crucifix. I know. I don't care what AA says, loving God. I don'T think so. I DON'T think SO. And I was just giving him a hard time about the injustice of going to meetings every night for two years and then boom, and I read this story and I knew that God knew I had read the story. So I was humming to myself and I think I said well God if you had just told me this was going to happen I wouldn't have given you such a hard time about being unfair. So I tried all kinds of different jobs and selling and stocks and bonds and insurance, but I threw a Marine Corps connection. I ended up with a job representing the credit union movement as a lobbyist in Washington, D.C., and I retired to Tampa about 12 years ago. And life just turned around, handed me a nice retirement. I got enough money to eat out after meetings all the time, which is all I ever want to do. It's the meeting after the meeting that's the big one for me. And we get new guys and old guys and sit around a table and just talk about today's events viewed through spiritual principles. Today's events reviewed through spiritual principals. And that's all spirituality really is, is the power to see things differently. Somebody asked me if AA was different from when I came in. And really, it's barely. It's much bigger and there's younger people. But just a few things that I remember that were different. One, we didn't yell back at the speaker his name. He just said, I'm Joe, I am an alcoholic and started talking. I think all this stuff came from, and we didn' t hold hands in the Lord's Prayer. And the only thing we read to open the meeting was the preamble. And I think all this stuff came from California. I've always blamed California on all of these things. So I'm sober about five years and we're saying the Lord's Prayer and the guy next to me grabs my hand. And I go, do I look gay? I better change the clothes I'm wearing. I don't get this. And whether I liked it or not, we were holding hands. And that came around. Then I'm at a meeting and somebody yells back, Hi, Buck! to the speaker. And I go, what the hell's wrong with that guy? And the next thing, as much as I didn't want to see it, we're all yelling, Hi! tothe speaker. And I think it came through Washington, D.C., and it started up the East Coast. And I was up in Boston going to a meeting. I was visiting a friend up there. I didn't know it hadn't gotten to Boston yet. So the guy gets up. Hi, I'm Jim, an alcoholic. I'm the only guy in the room. And they go, hi, Jim. And I said, it's coming. And the next thing they're reading, how it works. I know that came from California. Next thing they were reading, the traditions and all of this stuff. So one time when Clancy was coming to Washington, and we never did this, and God, I wish we had done it. We were going to read until he dropped. You follow what I'm saying? It's the tradition of this group to read the preamble. It's a tradition of his group to read chapter five. It's tradition to read the tradition. It's traditional to read the chapter to the agnostic. We also read the chapters of The Wives, you know. Fifty minutes into the meeting and we haven't started yet. But we never did it and I really, God, I wish I could have seen his face if we could have done that. And I was on a panel of old-timers and I asked them, I said, when did the promises come in? And they said, they all agreed it was about 20 years ago. Maybe 25 years ago In other words, if you go back 30 years ago and ask anyone what the promises are they would have said, I don't know. You follow what I'm saying? They've been there all along but we never labeled them and suddenly they appeared. So there are things that just appear in AA and talking back. We think not. I was somewhere and the guy yelled out, what's the point? The point is we're trying to grow along spiritual lines. What I'm trying to point out is things just happen. You follow what I'm saying? AA has given me an entirely new way to live and to look at life. It was as if prior to coming to AA, we had never been taught Life 101. It had never been explained to us. Let me give you a fundamental difference. This is how I was brought up. Son, it's your life and it's up to you and no one else to make something out of it. Now if you want to make Something Out Of Yourself, this is what you've got to do. You've got to study hard. You remember, you know the pitch. Your father gave it to you or somebody and you've got to go to college. And here you've got to get a nice woman and you settle down. You know that that's wrong? That's not it at all? This is what they should have said. Son, it's not your life. It's God's life. And if you let him, he'll really make something out of you. How do you like that plan? If you let him, he'll really make something out of your life. So we come here and we weren't given that lesson to start with and we made a mess. We made a big mess. We may have gotten to the top of a company or something but we had a 38 in the desk drawer and we're thinking seriously of... I don't think that's a success. So we have to come here and undo our plan and allow the new plan, the one that should have been there all along, to take place. And that's what the Society of Alcoholics Anonymous does. from two guys in Akron, it's now in, I think, 140 countries. It's making an influence on the world that hasn't been measured yet in terms of transforming. Because for every alcoholic that gets sober, there's ten other people whose lives are changed, whether it's his brothers and sisters, his mother, his father, his children, the place where he works the influence of spirituality of sobriety we mean spirituality is incredibly powerful we take it everywhere we go I like to think that when I go to pick my dry cleaning up the clerk that waits on me is really happy that I'm one of her customers and that if I were to go there one time and drop my suit off and tell her, my daughter's getting married this weekend. I've got to wear this suit. It's very, very important. And if I came back the day before the wedding and the suit had been lost, she's dreading talking to someone whose suit has been lost. And what if we said to her, hey, you didn't lose it. I understand. I've Got a different suit I can wear. Wouldn't that be something? Wouldn't it be wonderful to handle it that way? This is the influence that as we go from being self-centered to God-centered, that we have everywhere. Waiters like to wait on us. A bunch of us eat together a lot and we tip way high to make amends for all the times we beat the bill, All the times we threw food in the waiter's face. All of those things. We can't make amends to those guys. But now we can just make this guy feel like, wow, I like waiting on those people. So my point is something has to happen inside that this becomes normal. You intuitively see the world this way. now if I were to describe what spirituality is I think what I'd like to do is to go backwards sometimes when somebody gives me a book I go to the end and read the ending see how it ends there are weird readers like that And then I go, I like that ending. I think I'll read the book now. The average person would go, that's terrible. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. But suppose we did that in AA. Suppose we didthat with the big book. How does this end? I'm not even going to see what the beginning is. I just want to know, what's the ending? How doesthis end? Let me tell you how it ends. it ends with a spiritual awakening that's how it ends that's the point of the book to have a spiritual awakening step 12 having had a spiritual awakening as the only result of these steps we try to immediately show the next person how to have A spiritual awakening. So that's, there it is. So then you go, maybe I'll read the book. Going to get a spiritual awakening, that's a pretty big deal. What is a spiritual awakening? It's magic. It has to fit in the category of magic. Because something happens that you can't explain. There's no way you can explain it. The obsession just disappeared sounds like a rabbit disappearing, doesn't it? Hey, see the rabbit? Pew! Gone. Where is it? Where did the obsession go? Precisely, could you describe for us how it did disappear so that we could logically understand it? Well, I was doing these stupid steps that don't seem to have any relevance for anything and I looked around one day and it was gone. I forgot to think about drinking last week. You did? You're an alcoholic and you forgot to think about drink? Drinking last week? How did that happen? I don't know. I really can't explain it. Do you see the Houdini effect of all this? Spirituality cannot be explained. That's why if you're new and you read the steps trying to intellectually understand them, you will see nothing. Just look at them. My sponsor told me, everything you need is in these steps. Read them again. Read them Again. I read them again and I don't see anything in there. Did any of you guys see anything when you read it? I went back to him. I said, okay, okay. I guess maybe I'm slow. which one is the money step? That was the biggest problem I had. Which one is the money step? There is no money step. These are all spiritual steps. You just do them and something amazing will happen. And so when I look at the big book I now look at it like this it's a treasure map it's a spiritual treasure map and when you follow the directions closely you get the treasure which is God it's that simple and it's guaranteed Guaranteed Never fails When I start with a new guy I start With the big book And the twelve and twelve We use them both That's just me If your sponsor Just used the big one That's correct There is no One correct way All you're hearing From me tonight Is what it looks like From my eyes Today And while I'm on that subject Let me just say What we're after when we talk about truth is your truth. What is the truth about you? Who are you? What is your true nature? So, truth is nothing that can be communicated. Instead, it's revealed. And it will be revealed to you as you work the steps and continue to try and get closer to your higher power. You will just see it and you will see yourself differently year after year and you'll see the world differently and as the world becomes revealed in its true nature there is suddenly no reason to drink. There is no problem that alcohol could fix And if there's no problem to be fixed, it's pretty easy to not drink. Because you're not dying to change the way you're seeing things and the way you're feeling. So it's a remarkable thing, this truth. When Bill was talking last night, I'll give you an example. I had one level of truth. And truth comes in levels. So it'S not that you're wrong. It's that you'RE going to discover something that's more true. And you follow what I'm saying? You're not wrong. It's just, oh, this is true also. It's another level that you're going to get. So it's not an awkward thing where you go, oh my God, I'm wrong again. We're never wrong in this sense. It'S just that where we are, this IS what's been revealed so far. So we report on that. And as Bill was talking about, as you get old and your friends are all dying, which mine are, you realize, as he put it, your own immortality. I mean your own mortality. But because of the program, I'm also aware of my own immortility. I know there's part of me that goes on forever. I heard in some sort of a theory that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And I liked it. Hey, that's convenient. That's kind of a cool way of looking at it. So if somebody asked me, I would repeat those words. Hey, we're spiritual beings. We're spiritual being having a humane experience. Then it was revealed to me. In other words, all of a sudden I went, oh my God, I am a spiritual being having this human experience. And my hero, Chuck Chamberlain, he's my guide. I call sponsors guides. Definitely when we arrive here, we're lost. And we need somebody to guide us out of the darkness into the light. And that's a sponsor. and Chuck was my light in terms of a visionary from a long time ago and his stuff is just so wonderful and he had two things that he told me he said, infinite father infinite children infinite journey infinite and then he said it's not your job to take care of yourself. Boy, really? Well, whose is it? That's God's job. God will take care of you. You do His work. You just every day go do and then he went on to say I think at that time he'd been sober 22 years he said I've spent 22 years simply receiving guidance from God every day what to do And my business is more successful than it's ever been. I'm just out there making God's kids happy. I'm carrying whatever I can be of service to them. I just do God's work every day. Well, that sounds great, doesn't it? But you've got to make a living. So you immediately take it back. You take itback. Yeah, spiritual life is not a theory. You have to live it. And I was the kind of guy who said, you know, faith will move mountains. You ever heard that one? And I would go, well, if you're going to go over a mountain and use faith to move it, you better bring a shovel. That was sort of my counter to that, which means I wasn't going to try faith at all. I was never going to test this theory. so I'm led through the steps by my guide not understanding where they're going just simply doing what he said and I experienced the incredible relief of the fourth and fifth step I experienced the amazing new look on the world from steps eight and nine and he then explained to me that in the big book in the tenth step about the third sentence it says we have entered the world of the spirit you can get your big books and take a look we've entered the world of the Spirit what does that mean? ever look at a sentence and you go yeah that's cool that's good but if somebody said But what does it mean? Well, it means we've entered the world of the Spirit. What do you think it means? It means we have entered the World of the Spirits. I mean, what the hell do you think it is? What do they think it means? And inside I'm going, I haven't got a clue. What the hell is this? Entering the World of the Spirit. In order to enter the World of the Spirit, you have to be contacted by the Spirit. Contacted by the Spirit. I wonder when we get contact. What would contact look like? Well, how about if a lot of magic appeared? Real pure magic. How about self-seeking will slip away? How about fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us? How about intuitively knowing how to handle things that used to baffle you? Are those magical sentences or not? Those cannot be explained psychologically. For people, it just left you? Oh, I know, you got a lot of money, right? No, I still have nothing. But I'm just not worried about money anymore. I didn't know financial insecurity could be taken away without any money showing up. Didn't sound possible. And how do the promises end? We suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Contact you. Suddenly realize God is inside of you and has just contacted you. Sometimes we miss it. What happened yesterday? Oh, I just got this thing from God. I suddenly feel comfortable and I know what I should do in this situation. Well, is that a big deal? Well, I don't know. I guess it is. This is it. If someone asked me, where's the spiritual awakening take place in the 12 steps? This is my view. You could have a different one. I'll tell you right there. Right there. And then we maintain this contact and improve this contact. contact is an individual thing it doesn't happen to a group it doesn' t happen to you and your sponsor together it happens to you all by yourself you now have the most important relationship you can have it's the point of Alcoholics Anonymous back in step 5 I think on page 75 right after doing this step and we go home and it says we feel like we're walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. Is that a great picture? Walk, walk, walk. You know who doesn't like that picture? My ego. Hey man, somebody's going to see you holding hands with the big helper. They're going to think you're a wimp. you can't handle life on your own you have to bring your big brother let go of his hand act tough hey I can handle this alone that's the part of us that wants nothing to do with receiving God's help God's just waiting I swear one day I was thinking about God calling what a nice name God Calling. And one of the churches I went to for a while had a painting and it made me think of that book. And it's an old door with a great big iron door handle, big thick wooden door and a figure clearly a Christ-like figure with a beard and a robe is just knocking Just knocking on the door. And I pictured, that's God calling. You follow what I'm saying? Knock, knock, knock. So I just imagined in my own mind, I have this weird imagination. What if I was sitting in my little condo and there was a knock on the floor and there's a knock at the door? Just like this. And I went, who's there? He said, God. I'd go, who? who? God, you've been praying for me to enter your life. You've done all those steps. I'm here. I'm, I'm hier. Let me in. I'll take over. You'll be in heaven. It'll be just wonderful. Just open the door. Well, how do I know it's God? Could be one of my buddies with a phony voice. He said, okay, I can understand that. I'm just going to have your mother appear in the living room, and you can talk to her. Mother's been dead quite a while. My mother appears, and I go, Mother? It's really you. Yes, son, that's really God there. Really? It's real God? Yes. Open the door. I'm thinking about it, Mom. I'm very close. I'm really close. I'm reeeally close to opening that door, Mom! Well, son I gotta go now, and want you to think about it. Open the doooor. Now I'm sitting there. If I open that door, he takes over. I get all the spiritual help I want. I don't ever have to do anything except what he wants me to. And I'll be as happy as can be. And he knocks again. I said, I'm thinking, I're thinking, I'm speaking. And then I came up with this. I said God, I know this is going to sound funny. But right now, on the television, is the last episode of The Sopranos. And I've been watching this for months and years to see what happens to Tony. Is there any chance you could come back? Am I the only one? Am I? Am I be the only ones? So I make up a story like that to make a point. The only reason we aren't 100% happy is that we won't let it in. That's it. It's not that it isn't available. It's that it wouldn't love to be this close. We won't. We won' t let it end. we won't do the only thing that's required for spirituality which is to let go totally. Let go of every bit of your life. We let go of drinking because it was going to kill us. But the other problems that we have aren't fatal. They aren't driving us into that corner that drinking had us in. So it appears we have an option. And so we settle, as we were talking in the sixth step, for as much perfection as will get us by. I'd like to become kind of spiritual. How's that? Anybody like to be kind of? I'd love to become more spiritual than I used to be. Well, how about totally spiritual? I don't think we want to go that far. I don' t think we want to go that far I kid around with it with some of the traditional character defects such as gossip Dr. Bob called that the thing that's going to kill AA and it's just terrible gossip starts around these meetings and so I considered asking God to remove gossip and I got this far I said, God, I would like to never originate gossip again. I would never want to be the mean guy that starts that story about Fred. Never. Now if someone else starts the story And it's merely passing through me as a conduit on its way to other ears. I'm simply serving the function of a telephone pole with the lines going by and allowing it to relay through me. So I want to get rid of originating gossip. Well, you're going to have to do that on your own. because the only help we have available is perfect help. You either get perfect release or you do it on your own. Oh, I don't like those terms. Well, let's turn to something easier. How about lust? Wouldn't it be great to be lusting after no one? Show of hands. if you're like the rest of us you want to lust after fewer am I right? I want to cut it down so it isn't obsessing me all the time I'd like to get down I'd love to get rid of 80% 80% 80% of greed 80% of this 80% of envy 80% of pride never 100% so for the rest of our sobriety we're struggling against our own ego to give up another part of our kingdom to give up more control give up the keys to the car remember how hard it was to get the keys away from us when you're Drinking? I'll drive, I'll thrive, I'm all right. In the last five years, I've given up more than I did up to 39 years or 38 years. I just made a decision about awakening. Awakening, we get a glimpse and everybody gets it. it's a glimpse through your own world there's an old saying everybody lives in their own little world and I think everybody in this room can relate to that you really have no idea what the world of the guy next to you is like he's afraid of things that you don't care about doesn't bother you at all he has these ideas He has this. It's an entirely separate world from the world that exists in your mind. And we all ended up in our own little world. And what's that world composed of? Thoughts, ideas. It's the destruction of that world that allows us to get the glimpse of the kingdom, which is God's world as he created this very world that we're living in. The perfect example of that, and you all know the ending of this sentence, the idea that we can drink like other people or some they may be able to has to be smashed. That's how you get rid of ideas. You go, what's your idea? Oh, give me that idea. And I take a sledgehammer, boom, smash it. You see what I'm talking about? smashing old ideas. How do we do that? We inventory. That's what the whole inventory. What are you resentful at? What are You afraid of? What sexual things are racing around in your head? We're going to find them all and bring them out because we're going to talk to Your sponsor. We're gonna get it all laid out. And then God's standing here going, send them over and I'll smash them. Send them over and I'll smash them. We ask Him to remove these, smash them and yet we won't send them over. Why? I think in the third step in the 12 and 12 when we're approached with the idea of turning our life over to the care of God there's a comment well if I do that I'll be the hole in the donut. You remember that line in the first step. I'll be the hole in the donut. I'll Be Nothing. Do you understand what I'm saying? Everything about me that is me will be gone. I will be, and then the next sentence is, a non-entity. What is a nonentity? It's a completely spiritual person. I am nothing. God is everything. I am an instrument. I'm not an instrument and something else. I'm an instrument. So we're talking about the gradual destruction of this world, which might be shaped like an egg composed of millions of ideas that we put together like a spider does a web, until it offers us complete safety from the rest of the world and total isolation. That's what conscious separation from God is. We built the place where we're the only ones in it. And then we wondered why we're so frightened and lonely in this little place, which isn't real. And so the program starts smashing these ideas. And when we get a glimpse, it's as if like a little bird pops its head through an egg. And we go, whoa, look at this. That's the glimpse that when we first get contacted. And the rest of our sobriety is to try and get totally out of that thing, to get free of all of our old ideas in order to simply be in the world we were born in. So in a literal sense, all of us are experiencing the prodigal son journey. All the way out, crash and burn, all the way back home. And home is the absence of the false home that we built. And so when I look at our treasure map, the big book, I treat it with great love and with great respect. Without that book, I would have died. And yet I'd like to put it in perspective by looking at the end of it. I'd ask you to think about how Bill ends the big book. This book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. Well, if they only knew a little and they wrote down everything they know, then only a Little is in there. well if only a little is in there where do we get all the rest in the next sentence God will constantly disclose more to us and to you seek him in your morning meditation talk to him hold his hand walk hand in hand with the spirit of the universe so the relationship now becomes direct contact with our own creator, and verifying what we think we are, the guidance we think we're receiving with our sponsor. In the 12 in 12, it suggests that people of very high spiritual development always insist on checking with others the guidance they feel they're getting from their higher power, because the ego is very clever and it sees this little game going on. And he runs over, changes his voice. Hi, this is God calling Frank. I think it would be to your spiritual advantage to leave your wife and get that little Puerto Rican girl and go down to Puerto Rico. I Think that's the plan I would like to suggest to you. Wow. God wants me to run. So we run to our sponsor and he says, sorry, that was not God speaking. That was you. So, we're connected. I think of the fourth dimension of existence catapulted into the fourth. We're being launched into space. But we can't get launch without a launching platform. The foundation of our program are the 12 steps, the big book, the sponsorship. But there comes a time when it's us and God. And we launch whatever this fourth dimension is. You can't take the launching platform with you. It's between us and God. This is the marvelous adventure that is awaiting us. Fear will hold us back, dogma will hold this back, old ideas will hold back, but what's available to everyone is their own personal God. Now I'm almost at the end of the time so let me suggest this about about God. Who is God that we're going to trust, that we are going to do all this? Who is this? There's only one answer. God and the universe are a total mystery. It is a total mystery. It is an unsolvable mystery. So how do you relate to an unssolvable mystery? You stop trying to figure it out. That's how you relate to it. And instead, you look at it like you would a magician in Las Vegas. It would be no fun to know his tricks ahead of time, would it? When you don't, you look and you just go, what is being suggested is that we look at the moment and go, wow. I think the greatest prayer we can ever say to God is to look up at the universe and just go wow. What a show. And look at it closely look until you can sit in the now and have tears in your eyes you could get those tears over your pencil or your pen and think about what that pen has done in your life how you took tests with it how words came out of it out of a pen one day came rarely have we seen a person fail Wow, it came right out of there. Pretty soon you're looking at a pen and you're going, ah, this is the most amazing thing. This is my pen. My signature comes out of here. I can't get married without this. I can even check into a hotel without... I'm not even here until I sign. You could do it with a straw. You could deal with a rock. You could do it with the guy sitting next to you. How wonderful it is this guy is sitting next to you? God only exists in the now. The only place he'll ever be found. So we better learn how to stay there. How to stop thinking about the past and thinking about the future. Everything you ever will want is in this one moment. Thank you all. Good night. Thank you.