Sandy B. on Spirituality 102, Self-Sufficiency, and the Soul School

I agree with what everybody's been saying. It's been a wonderful collection of speakers, and it really just has been a pleasure to sit back and absorb the perspective that I got from each of the speakers. But, Tom, I don't know where you are. You overdid it last night and blew the power grid, and we're not too happy about that. You've just got to tone it down about a thousand watts and we'll be all right. I read the 24-hour day book every day. I'm going to read what was in there today. Sunshine is the laughter of nature. Live out in the sunshine. The sun and air are good medicine. Nature is a good nurse for tired bodies. Let her have her way with you. God's grace is like the sunshine. Let your whole being be enwrapped in the divine spirit. Faith is the soul's breathing in of the divine Spirit. It makes glad the hearts of human beings. The divine Spirit heals and cures the mind. Let it have its way, and all will be well. And the prayer for the day, I pray that I may live in the sunshine of God's spirit. I pray dat my mind and soul may be energized by it. I just thought that was an amazing coincidence that that was today's reading considering the theme of your conference and so I just wanted to share that with you. I was thinking about, sometimes I think about what I'm going to talk about and as far as I got last night was the name of the talk. And then we'll fill in the rest this morning. And the name of the talk is Spirituality 102. And the reason I chose Spirituality 102 is I knew that nobody would listen to a 101. Because it would be too basic, and those of us in AA, you know, we want to get a little more advanced. So I know that was what I would be attracted to, so that's probably my own analysis of things. But before I get to that, there were two stories, two experiences that I had in my drinking life. That'll be my qualification that I wanted to share. And then I really do want to share with those of you that are new what I think some of this spirituality is in Alcoholics Anonymous. And the first story is for Wayne. Because when he was talking, I just said, God, this story has to be told to Wayne. And this story happened to me in 1952, and I'd been drinking about two and a half years, and I was a junior at Yale University up in New Haven, Connecticut. And I had gone from a very good student into just about flunking out, no more athletics, getting in fights, getting arrested. I remember coming into AA, and I heard a speaker one time, He said, we've got people in here from Yale to jail. And I didn't think that was much of a spread. Since I had been both at once. And so I was just getting into alcoholism, but just so taken over my whole life. It was just that I never knew what was going to happen when I drank. But Smith College, which is a lovely women's school, girl's school. I don't know. It's probably co-ed now. But anyway, they would have these exchange dances and invite a bunch of students to drive up. So I went up with my buddies. And, you know, sometimes, do you ever have a weekend when you drank and you didn't do anything wrong? By accident sometimes. You know what I mean? You really couldn't explain it the next day. But you said, God, I wish I could do that all the time. We would just drink and drink, stay polite, didn't throw up on anybody. You know, just no fights, no nothing. And somehow I managed to do that that weekend. And in the course of the weekend, I met this wonderful girl who was incredibly beautiful. And her name was Mary Alice Bush from the Anheuser-Busch family of St. Louis, Missouri. She was the granddaughter of Augustus Bush and was, you know, right in the straight line for the inheritance of all of the Bush stuff. And because I had behaved myself, she liked me. And I remember the guys on the way back, they said, boy, if you marry her, you'll never have to work again and you can have all you want to drink for the rest of your life. I remember thinking that, God, that is wonderful. What a great weekend. And then by pure luck, I again went up to Smith and didn't get in trouble. And so I felt pretty good about things. And I said, would you like to come down to the junior prom, which is the major event? Yes, I would love to. Well, I came back down there and said, Mary Alice Bush is coming down to my junior prom. Wow. I mean, we were excited about all this. And so on the day of the thing, I started getting ready early. Her train was coming in, I don't know, at about 2 in the afternoon. And I started drinking gin around 10 in the morning and just sort of getting ready. And I was still functioning when I met the train and took her over to the hotel. And she's getting ready, and there was a dinner party out in the Brantford area. and I just, this white tie, putting on these tails, and I'm just whistling along. But if any of you were there, you'd go, this isn't going to last very long. It's going to be a very short evening. You could see that I had just gotten way ahead of myself, but I was still going along and got up, got there, and somebody else was driving, and we got in the car and drove over to the hotels, picked up the dates and off we went to this dinner party and it really looked wonderful. And we're at the dinner party and I'm having a few drinks during dinner and I think it was right after dinner I started having, you know when your mind short circuits right before you pass out and you just kind of and you're coming back and those were starting and I went, God damn, I remember looking at my watch I'm not even going to get to the dance. Jesus. He says, maybe some coffee. So the coffee came around and I think I had the cup in my hand. No one was looking at me. They were all talking somewhere and the electricity went off and the cup spun around on my finger dumped in my lap and I came back. I came through again so if you weren't looking I was still sitting there with the cup on my hand just like I had been one second earlier except it was empty now and I remember just going oh god is that hot I put the cup down I started to say something and boom I'm out I mean I passed out cold so my friends told me later you fell on the floor you'd passed out and so he started dragging you in the closet just to get you out of the way and somebody said what happened to him well he must have had too much to drink look at that he passed out look at this look at how he wet his pants so I'm in the closet and they go off But you know us alcoholics, this night is far from over. We haven't done enough damage yet. I mean, we've got to make this a weekend that Miss Bush will remember and remember and remember. God, I would love to find her someday and hear her version of the weekend. so I guess a couple hours later I just kind of woke up around and I knew what had happened and they were gone went to the bathroom dried it off as much as I could cold water in the face and went out started hitchhiking into town and by God somebody came along relatively shortly and picked me up and it was cold and I was getting more sober and more you know how you just sort of get it back together again so when I got to the gymnasium where the prom was I walked in and sort of had it all together and came in and she was dancing with somebody and I came up and tapped him on the shoulder and said may I cut in and she turned and looked and just was like I don't believe you know I think I had some food poisoning but I'm fine now I'm so glad I got here and all that so I was giving it was sort of a funny look but I was given the benefit of the doubt okay dancing dancing dancing Things are going extremely well. Have a drink, dancing, dancing. Have another drink, dancing. And I'm dancing around and I look over to the side of the gym. We were in the basketball court and I see on the sideof the gym about a 20 by 30 foot doorway to another prom. I remember just looking out of the corner of my eye going, what is that? Do seniors have a prom? I didn't know there was two proms here tonight and I'm dancing. I'm not saying anything to anybody, but every time I go by, I'm looking in there and they've got a ball, you know, with the light reflecting and Peggy Lee was singing and I thought I could see her in there. So I came around the third time and I was about as far as I am from that wall and I said to Mary Alice, stay right here, I'll be right back. And I took off to run into the other room. It was a mirror. and I I never broke stride I just boom Boom, I'm down. I'm bleeding from a bloody nose all over me. She's standing there in a state of shock, you know. So a couple of my buddies carry me out into the coat room and they're putting ice on my nose and they're going, what happened? I said, I don't know. I said the other dance was in there and I ran in there and there was another guy running out. I tried to move the boom. So they're explaining, no, no. And I'm going, oh my God. So I'm lying there having a few more drinks. A friend of mine from Dartmouth that I grew up with was down for this. I said, Marty, good to see you. Come on, let's go get a drink. We go over and we're getting a drink and I said have you ever seen this gymnasium? This place is amazing. I've got to give you a tour. So we're touring, going up in the elevator all the time. Here's the fencing room where we've got the fensing things and we're just going into everything that they had in there. And we ended up in this crew room where they practiced the single skull rowing. I'd never seen this room before, but I'm explaining it to Marty. Marty, this is where we practice rowing and all that. I said, what they have is a big valve over there. When you turn it on, the water creates a lot of pressure and then you row against that. I'm going to get in there and I'll show you what I'm talking about. So I had the one oar, you know what I mean? No, I had two oars. And I sat in this little seat and I said, Turn on the valve, Marty. And the water just came rushing out and knocked me in right out of the boat. So now I'm soaking wet with cold water and it sobers me up and I go, God, Mary Alice! So I run over to the mirror and I just get, you know, paper towels and just do whatever I can. Sort of get it all together and come back on the dance floor and walk up and tap the guy and go. And that was the last thing I ever saw of her. So I ended up having to work for a living. so that was early in my alcoholism and then when Tom was talking last night he woke up under the table in that bar and he's looking through wondering where he is and it reminded me later on after I was in the Marine Corps and I was finishing my first tour of duty overseas in a fighter squad which was very exciting but I got in a lot of trouble and I won't go through all that. But I had my orders back to Camp Pendleton, California. I was going to be with the infantry and be a forward air controller. And we went to Yokosuka, Japan to check out the flyback from Haneda. And the guy in charge there said, now you guys stay in the BOQ because you could be alerted for a bus up to the plane you're on in an hour's notice. So don't be screwing around and leaving and going somewhere where we can't find you. You're going to get in a lot of trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So after about eight hours, I'm going, well, what the hell? How long are you going to hang around a damn room? We could be here for weeks and the rest of the guys are going, look, we've got to stay here. We can go over to the old club, get a beer, come back. That only takes ten minutes. So I started testing the limits of this boundary. And I'm over there and this and that. Finally, I decided I've got to go back into Yokohama one more time and say goodbye to everybody down there, all the bar owners and all that. But I'm going to just stay an hour and I'll be right back. So I went down, went around, came back in an hour. And everybody's still there. And of course they're going, do you realize you're risking your whole career? I mean, the rest of people are like, how could you be doing this? And us alcoholics said, well, I can't sit around here forever. I mean, how long am I going to wait? So we were there a day. So the next day I said, I'm going to go back one more time. I'm in town and you know what happens. I wake up. That's it. I wakeup and I'm looking around. I've never been here before. You know, and I're just looking around and I mean a little octagonal room you know what I mean it's just like I'm going what a weird room and I'm looking at curtains have all sailing stuff on them and there's like a wrought iron spiral staircase over here goes down somewhere and I am lying there in my dress uniform thinking and thinking where am I and then I can hear people talking down below and then I kind of peek over and I go god damn I am in the front gate of Yokosuka Naval Air Navy base. This is where the officer of the day sleeps. Up above, and there's shore patrols down below. People going in and out of the gate. It's the main gate. And I'm sleeping in the officer of day's bed. then I go by a mirror and I see there's a note pin to me. And I go, oh, Jesus. So I take the note off. It's from the officer of the day. And it was, Lieutenant Beach, you are a disgrace to the uniform of the United States. A cab drove up at 4 a.m., and you were passed out in the back. You were thrown up on the back seat. The driver was furious. He wanted his money. You fell out inthe street. We had to carry you in. and a little while ago they sounded the message for your group to go back to the United States. They've already left. When you come to, you jerk, you report to Admiral so-and-so for blah, blah, bleh. And I'm going, oh man, that's a tough note, do you know what I mean? so I come down the little thing and the shore patrol guys good morning lieutenant ha ha ha and I just went you know so I went back and I got my stuff and I was sitting there and there was some beers around I had a couple beers to just calm down so I could think and all of a sudden I just went went up to the back to the gate and I said what time did that bus leave And they said, oh, it's been an hour and a half. I went back and I called a cab. And the cab came, Japanese cab. And I signed my own orders out of Yokosuka. Got in the cab and went to Anita. And got there, and I'm looking around for the guys, has the flight left or whatever. So I bring my orders over, show it to the guy. And he said, Oh yeah, your flight leaves in two hours. Go over there. You've got to check in with what you're bringing back to the United States. Then you've gotto go over here and fill out these forms, then put all your baggage over there. So I went over and I filled this in, I filled that in, and went over there, put all my stuff. I got a hamburger and a beer, and I'm sitting there when the bus arrives with the rest of the guys. And they come in and I go, Okay, guys, you go over there and you check in. And then you put your baggage here, and here's the forms that you're doing. Of course, they're just going, what is this? And I never heard anything about it. So anyway, I think those stories do qualify me as an alcoholic. At the end of my drinking, I ended up in a mental institution. and a corpsman in there came in one night and said, all drunks fall in and march this to an AA meeting. And when I got there, I thought it was exciting. The guys that talked, it was a speaker meeting, made it sound wonderful. And I could tell that they really were happy. And I remember thinking to myself, if I ever find a guy with a drinking problem, I'm going to send him for these guys. It's just wonderful what they have. I can see how excited they are about it. But it wasn't me. And so I had to go through one more episode of drinking as an outpatient and smuggling booze back into the nut ward, and they told me if I ever drank again, my career was over. And I knew they were going to get paranoid. I started coming back, and I could see that psychiatrists were looking at me funny. Remember when your drinking really kicks in and you start feeling weird? Everybody's watching everything. And so, I knew They Were Going to Get Me. So that's when on Pearl Harbor Day of 1964, I called AA from my home. And a guy came over who's my sponsor, Bill Terwilliger. And I just spoke at his 40th anniversary last weekend. And we've been together this whole time. It's great having a sponsor that long. You both have to stay alive. That's the only way to do it. And he came in and just, God, it's the exact same thing that Harold's sponsor did. Get in the car. Get inthe car. That was all it was. And I wanted to explain myself to him. No, no, no. We don't need anything from you. Just get in the care. And off we went to this meeting. And it lasted forever. It was a group anniversary. They had square dancing and food. And they were there till 11 at night. And I just got it on. The meeting started, I've been sober four hours, the meeting got over, I've be sober nine hours. And I need a drink bad and I knew, you know, yeah, yeah, it's wonderful and all that and it was an Al-Anon lady who really made, saved me. I was thinking of running away from the meeting. I had all I could take of people coming up going hi, hi, hai, hai. It was just like, I don't want to see people anymore. I just want to run. I want to get out of here but it was freezing cold, December. And it was sort of misty, rainy, cold. I'm standing outside and there was no streetlights near this old Oddfellows Hall. And I'm going, which way should I run? You know, just, I've got to go, go. You remember that one? You just had to go. You didn't know where you were going. You've got move. And this lady came out and put her arm around me and said, it's going to be all right. And there was something in her eyes That made me feel that she was right. I don't know, it's just amazing. I got to know them later on. Their husband and I were good friends. But just at that night, her putting her arm around me and saying it's going to be all right fixed something inside of me and I'm eternally grateful to Betsy Lynch. Anyway, I didn't drink and haven't had a drink since that night. And that started this journey into Alcoholics Anonymous that has been just remarkable when I think about it. So, when I think about talking to those of you that are new about spirituality, I can see if I was new and somebody goes, spirituality, I'd go, I'm going to time this mother and be out of here. I want to hear some drinking stories and do some laughing and then we'll get out of hier and get on our way. and so I think it's important to understand the difference between spirituality and religion because all of us may have had some bad experiences with religion I had a terrible experience with religion it wasn't the religion's fault it's just I saw it that way and I had a spiritual experience in the Catholic Church at about age 8 or 9 I took literally everything they told me literally, boy when those nuns said something, you will rot in hell forever. I went, I'm going to rot in Hell forever. It was like, yeah, it was just, boom, black or white. There was no middle ground. And I was seated on the front pew one Sunday morning staring at the crucifix which was 20 feet high hanging from the ceiling. You just couldn't miss it. And as I stared at it, I was suddenly given a vision of truth from somewhere. A personal vision of truth. And the truth that I got, all by myself was, do you see this crucifix little boy? Yes, I do. Well, this is what God did to his only son that he loved. Guess what he's going to do to you? This was my own personal thing. It didn't happen to anybody else, just me. I had this secret communication from God that came into me. And I fainted. That was so overpowering and they carried me out. What's wrong? Something I had for breakfast. But that stayed with me a long time, that little thing. So I never got comfort from thinking or talking or anything to do with God. It was just like, boy, I've got to postpone that as long as possible. Live to be 300 if you can because it's going to be bad. So that was sort of the thing. And so when we talk about religion, we talk about welcome to our church. We're going to tell you we have this history book here. This is where Buddha came from. I want to show you some statues of Buddha and this is how it got started. And these are the messages that came down. And when I get to explaining it all, then I go, do you see? Do you see that I've explained this to you? Can you believe in that? Or a different religion, can you believe in this? And so the presentation is made about a historical set of events. And then you go, yeah, I see, I see. Yeah, I'm going to believe in that. So that would be religion, but spirituality isn't anything like that. Spirituality is nothing more than a group of principles. They're called spiritual principles. And they just have been around forever. And if you go into almost any religion, you can find the same set of principles that we have here in Alcoholics Anonymous. So what they are are time-tested principles that will enable you to see the world differently so that you're happy living here and you're very comfortable and you go, wow, the world finally makes sense now that I can see it this way. Wow, I'm comfortable here. I like it here. And that's what spiritual principles are. Now, they put us in touch with something that causes this to happen. It is a power of some sort. And in AA we go, when you get in touch with that power, you can call it anything you want. That will be up to you. But you will experience this. You will have a different way of seeing the world and it will occur from the inside out. Nothing out there will be changed. It will occur from the inside out. And you know, a lot of alcoholics go, What? That sounds like mumbo-jumbo magic. You know what it sounds like? Drinking. Do you remember why you drank? You walked in to cause the world to look different from the outside out. And when that third drink kicked in, you looked around and you went, I like this place. I like his place. And that was the same place you were when you had no drinks. Remember that? And you walked in and you said, I can't stand the world. It's awful. There's all these people. They're out to get me. One, two, three. You know what I like? I love the world and I love what people want. I love all these People. Buy them a drink. Yay! People are wonderful. I love it. I love It. I love I love. I love that. So why would we be the ones to doubt that a power can transform the world that we live in? We did it every day. Only that power didn't like us. That power was killing us. It just killed us. So we were on the right track, we had the right idea, wrong higher power. That was the only mistake we made. We were on to something. You know? we were on to the fact that you're not supposed to be able to live on your own you need something beyond yourself and we seem to know that and we just go off down the wrong road so that's what spiritual principles are they just are and Alcoholics Anonymous and geez again Harold was talking about that members eye view if you're new read that pamphlet that's just so powerful there's nothing new in AlcoholicsAnonymous These principles have been around forever. The one thing that appears to be different that is the reason AA seems to work is that the presenting of these principles is done on a horizontal plane. We normally are used to people talking to us this way. The judge is up here and we're down here and we are getting the message, you are screwed up and you got to do that Mr. is up there and he's going so we always have the feeling that we're down here and the message is coming from way to hell up here we come in Alcoholics Anonymous and the messages coming eyeball to eyeball from another person just like us another damn drunk and that seems to be one of the magic things about AA that there's just one drunk passing it on. There's nobody in charge. You can't move up to anything in AA. You canít get anywhere. Thereís nothing you can do. The highest pay grade that we have in Alcoholics Anonymous is serving. Thatís it. And it takes a lot of work to get there. Because you start out as big shot. And it's a long way from big shot to servant. A long way. That's called a spiritual journey, to go from big shop to servant, and that's what we're trying to do, is to go form that self-centered to servant and so what we need is a new frame of reference that's what I want to try to do today is to we say old ideas avail us nothing but the old ideas that we all have that's our frame of preference of what the world is who we are and what's going on and all that and you put it together yourself as a kid growing up And a lot of that frame of reference was necessary in order to survive what you survived. You know, you've got to get even with this. Don't get too close. Don't trust this. Whatever it was, you used it and that was good because it got you this far. But that's a very uncomfortable frame of preference. Most of us learned a bunch of things I learned like in that church, that scary thing. Well, that was my view of the world. Well, it's got a punishing God that's going to get me later on. And then there's my mother. She was very ill. I didn't feel like I was loved. So they go, well, if your parents are terrible and they don't love you and you can't trust anybody so I had all of this stuff and as long as I stay with it it's always going to be uncomfortable and so I remember reading a book called The Seven Mysteries of Life by a guy named Murchie and it was really a wonderful thing it took about 20 years to write and it's all about planet Earth and he's just one of these guys that can explain everything And he does. You know, how a tree grows, how the leaves turn to do this, how the desert is really alive, how the whole planet is really live, and how sand dunes move and they go from here and they over there and there's a whole pattern to it and rocks and they start up here, they go in the ocean, they go back up. And how every little creature, you can see little pictures and all of that. So it's almost like he just has explained life. What all of life is. And one of the mysteries is divinity. That after you get through all of this stuff, there's no way of not accepting divinity in this. That it just has to be part of it. So his final conclusion after he takes you through this entire thing is what is planet Earth? And he said planet Earth is a soul school. That's what planet Earth is. It's where we send souls to the spiritual part of us to go to school and we come here and we're going to have to learn some lessons. And so if we shift our frame of reference and just say, okay, so I was sent here to go to this big school and I'm going to be given a lot of lessons and it changes how I'm looking at things and we start seeing things differently. Now, how do we get somebody to get interested in this school? Well, we have to cause something to happen in their lives that will transform them, that will cause them to listen to what I'm saying today and what you hear at AA meetings all the time. And that is generally done by adverse circumstances. Like going to a nut ward. And when you get admitted to the nut ward, you don't see it as the best thing that has ever happened to you. You have no way of seeing it. how many of you may have gotten here through the DWI program and you're out there driving around in your terrible alcoholic life and you are drunk again driving around, driving around and he pulls you over and he sticks his head in and he smells your breath and he says get out of that car it's hard for you to see him as a spiritual messenger who is taking you out of the wrong direction that you're headed with all the wrong perspective on life and it's going to put you over here. It's hard to see that until later on you get a chance to reflect on it and you can see it as clear as a bell how lucky it was that I got pulled over that night because then it led to this and then it led to that the other thing that occurred today then I can get going on what I want to say is Chuck C a lot of you have heard Chuck Chamberlain this was one of the greatest speakers in a great role model for how to live the spiritual program and he did that men's retreat and they took the tapes and turned it into a new pair of glasses It's a transcript of that retreat. It's very, very powerful thing. And I heard him talking one time and I remember afterwards I said, did he say what I just heard him say? He couldn't have said that. So the next time I saw him, I went up and I said Chuck, the last time I heard you talk, it seemed to me that you said this. I want to see if I got it right. You said, you know that old saying, God takes care of those that take care of themselves? He said yeah. Yeah, I remember saying that. Well, you said that that's totally wrong. And he said, it is. I said, well, I just wanted to get that sure. I just want to make sure that that is what you said. He said, oh yeah, that is absolutely wrong. He said this is the deal. It is not your job to take care of yourself. Stop doing it. That is God's job. Stop worrying about your problems. Stop trying to take care of yourself. That's God's job. Your job is to do God's will. You are just a servant of God. Just do the next right thing. You will be taken care of. And I remember just going, whew, that's mind-blowing. I mean, you talk about changing your frame of reference to a soul school and then to It's not my job to take care of myself. And I remember going, you know, Chuck's right. That's the only way to be spiritual. But just in case he's wrong, I'm going to keep all the money I have in the bank and I'm not going to get too damn generous with it because I'm like, this spirituality might take over and I'd give it all the way to the poor and then half measures avail us nothing. You know what I'm saying? It's such a revolutionary picture. But that's what he's saying. That's exactly what he is saying. And then the other point I wanted to make and then I'll talk more about just some stuff that's happened to me. A lot of times we say to new people when they come in, you know what your problem is? There's a couple of things we should use. There's two sentences that follow up on, you know what your problem is? Do you ever have people talk to you that way outside and the judges are calling your mother or your wife or your husband? You know what their problem is. They're always pointing their finger at you. Your problem is you don't give a damn. Your problem ist you're irresponsible and you drink too much. We're always being told what our problem is and we come in AA, we finally get rid of that. We just aren't doing that until this morning. and so you know what your problem is lack of power that's the only problem you have that's your problem lack of power you're not a bad person you didn't do anything wrong just lack of power you've been overpowered by life because you were trying to live it on your own you were trying to survive on your own because somebody told you you're supposed to be able to survive on your own And we got these ideas. A real man makes it on his own, makes it done his own. And people do. They go all the way up and they become millionaires and they're 50 years old and they commit suicide because life doesn't make any sense. What have I done? What have i accomplished? It was that we were trying to accomplish it on our own. And the other thing that we sometimes say when we're new is, you know what your problem is? You're out of touch with reality. You're totally out of touch with the reality. You know that's so true. We're absolutely out of touch. And we come in here and we start plowing through those steps and they take reality and they take our nose and they put us into that until you can't miss reality. Wow, you see everything. And it seems to be overpowering but we learn all the truths about ourselves by going through those early steps. They just are there to make sure that we're totally in touch with reality. But spiritual programs are paradoxical. They're very paradoxical because watch what happens as we move towards the steps at the end and we start talking about living life in the now. We start talking about living life as a loose garment. We start talking about becoming unself-centered and simply a servant of a higher power so that the ups and downs and the vicissitudes of life have no effect on us because there's no ego to hit. It is a freedom from the world. And so in a literal sense, the second half, the spiritual part of the later steps is an attempt to totally get out of touch with reality. Isn't that ironic? I don't want reality hammering me anywhere. I want to be in a different level. I want the world differently so that somebody crashing into my car is just a car that needs to be repaired. You follow what I'm talking about? It's just... The reality is that something awful didn't happen. You know what I am saying? That was the old reality. Look what happened to me, this terrible... And now it's just, oh, the car needs to get repaired. It needs to fix. It is just there isn't anything to be hit by this stuff because of this place that the later steps can take us. And so, that just occurred to me recently that that is really what the goal of spirituality. It is the same thing we did when we went drinking. I just can't stand all this stuff and we got lifted to a different level of existence. Bill calls it the fourth dimension of existence and it sounds you know like where could I be what is way up there the fourth dimension of existence it is a simple path that we took and Harold was so right just at the beginning of your talk I'm going to listen to that many many times is that we already are all that we can ever become now does that sound what what we already are all that we can ever become We're a beautiful, perfect child of God. We just think we aren't. You see, when we arrived here, we've had this experience when you come to the soul school. You see before we come to the soul School, we probably have perfect contact with the higher power and it is so exquisite. It's absolutely wonderful. And we come here. It feels like we've lost that contact. Many of us talk about there was something missing in our lives. You remember that feeling, there's something missing? You remember this story about it. There was a four-year-old kid and he went into his one-year old brother and the mother heard the four- year-old talking to the one- year old and the four year old said to the one-year-old who can't even talk yet tell me about God, it's starting to fade. It's starting to fade Well, you know we don't know that's happening. We're here in this world and we're just looking around and we go, well it must be that nobody changes my diapers. It must be that nobody took care of me. It must быть this. No. We're getting the illusion that we're existing as a separate entity from God and that we are all alone. That we are a human being just out here in these things and what's it all about? And it takes a disease of alcoholism And it takes, you know, in William James' variety of religious experience that Bill Wilson talked about as one of the books he read. It said that people who have these spiritual experiences, which is the transformation so you now have a new vision of the planet that we're living on, all had one thing in common. Something bad was happening to them. You know what I mean? Not just alcoholics but all kinds of other people. Something bad Was happening to them, causing them to totally surrender. And then a whole new vision took place. And so as you start seeing it, if you're new, you're going, you know, it was good that I got fired. It was good that this happened to me. How many times we look at somebody who's the practicing alcoholic and And they, you know, they get a DWI, but the judge lets them off. And you go, damn! You know, everybody else. Hey! No! Damn! Because if he'd just done that, then he might have had to surrender, you know. And then his boss calls him in and promotes him. Oh, God! If he just fired him. I mean, so, you don't know what's going on. When you're looking at it from the program side, you want something bad to happen so that something good can happen. Everything is kind of backwards as we're trying to move forward on this thing. And so, in my own case, it was so hard to let go of the old way of seeing things. You know, it sometimes felt like I was a pair of binoculars and I was locked in to the close-up position. You know what I mean? I could only see stuff that was right here. And what you want is the big picture, so you turn the thing on the binoculars and they go, oh wow, look at all that. I like that. But the seawater has rusted that together and it is quite a painful thing on the Binoculars to change that perspective. And the same thing with us. To go from the material perspective to the spiritual perspective is painful and that's what Step 7 talks all about. Humility is accepting the fact that this transformation is going to be painful and eagerly going into it because we understand the value of doing this. That when I come out the other side... So why is it painful? Why would it be painful to go from this perspective to that perspective? Because this perspective is self-centered. I see the world as from me. I see it right here. And as I see it, I generate something called my way. You know, I look at it, and I can feel the problems I have, and my way is, I need money. I mean, there it is. It's that simple. I mean anybody who was inside of me would see that I need money. Remember that when you're new, you just go money, money, where's the loan step? Where's the lone step? I want the lone steps. And that's that's it. And if somebody were to say to me, we can get rid of your financial insecurity without money. I would go, what? How could that be done? How could you get rid of it? Oh, you wait and see. You'll just be free of it. And so I was told, and I'll say this to those of you that are new, you know all the problems that you have? You know all these things you're thinking about, that you're worried about? They are already being worked on. OK, they're all of them already being worked on. So just relax. Don't work on them anymore. They are being worked up. You come in here and work on these steps. OK, I just leave them alone. They're being worked down. That's not yours to do. You just come in hier and work this work, these steps, because when we get to the end, what do we get when we get to the end. We become un-self-centered by becoming God-centered. And when we become God- centered, we now see the world as it really is. We are the same as the people who thought that the earth was the center of the solar system. And, when they looked around, it didn't make sense. You remember that? As they said, well, if this is the center, how the hell can that be moving that way? That's wrong. It can't be. And so, we're going, I'm the center. Well, everything's screwed up. I look around, I can't stand this planet. It's awful. So I got to go from being self-centered to God-centered, and that is a very painful process because it involves never getting my way. Never getting my way. I have to get rid of my way in every aspect of my life. I have to have no way that anything has to be. And I don't know about you, but the only problem I ever have is not getting my way. It comes in many forms. It comes sexually, financially, job-wise, health-wise. I'm sick and I don't want to be sick. See, it may be this painful to be sick, it's this painful to not want to be safe. I can't stand being sick. What have you got? A little headache. A little headache is five units of pain. Not wanting the little headache is 250 units of pain because we're willful and we don't want it to be this way. And serenity comes from not having a way at all, not having away at all. I don't have a way about anything. It's just that's not my job. It isn't my job to figure out how things ought to be. That's God's job. My job is to get near to God. That is called conscious contact. When I am there, there are no problems. So in a spiritual world, problems don't get solved. You think they have to get solved? How about they get removed? That's what happens. Nothing else matters. Who cares if I didn't get paid this week? I'm happy without money. I'm so happy I can't stand it. I'm just going to go over and buy this guy lunch with my last dollar because I'm not worried about that stuff. I already have everything that I could ever possibly want. I'm sitting here worried about anything. Then I go, you know, this spiritual stuff is crap. I'm going back to the... And that's what happens. We watch television and they go, are you buying into that spiritual shit? You've got to stop that. You've gotta own a Jaguar. You don't own a jaguar. It's just an illusion that you're happy. Oh yeah, I forgot that. Holy cow! Those damn AAs were brainwashing me. I've got to get a Jaguar. And that's why we have meetings, so that we can come back in and our sponsor goes, no, you don't need a Jaguars. Because one day, you're going to fall off the track and I'm going to put you back on. And the next day, I'm gonna fall off the track and you're going to put me back on. And so we need to come in. This is totally counterintuitive. All of the spiritual stuff is counterintutive. It's just you won't think it up on your own. So we need each other to keep reminding ourselves first things first, meaning we must address our spiritual condition first and see if from there anything's wrong. And it is absolutely amazing. So if you're new, your problems are being worked on right now. A job is being arranged. Work on yourself spiritually. When you work on yourself spiritually, you transform the energy flow inside of you from all get to all give. And when you go on your next job interview as an all give person, they can hardly wait to hire you. Man, do I want an employee that is all give who comes in and says, I'd like to see what I could do for your company. You want me to do that? I'll be glad to do it. You want to do the ceilings? I just want to see what I can contribute to your company now. You want a higher him or do you want to have a guy who says, let's talk about sick leave and let's walk about my retirement. Let's talk about I don't want to work overtime and let us talk about everything that I'm going to get. Well, sir, I might call you tomorrow. I mean, you can just feel the different energy flows. And in one case, I'm already taken care of. So the job is just an opportunity to be useful. And that's what Bill says in the forward to the 12 and 12. What are the 12 steps? A group of principles, spiritual in nature, that if practiced as a way of life will remove the obsession to drink. Remove. Didn't say it would figure out why you're an alcoholic. It's just that it will remove it. The problem does not exist for you today. There is no such thing as an alcohol problem today. And enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. That's in the forward to the 12 and 12. That's what the spiritual principles are for, to remove problems and to enable us to be happy and useful and complete as spiritual human beings. So this is God's will for us to be happy, joyous, and free. So if I'm not happy, I'm doing it wrong. That's what I tell people. You're not happy? Oh, you're doing it right. You're doing wrong. Oh, he doesn't understand. I have this terrible life. Nope. That has nothing to do with your terrible life, you're going it wrong! I don't even care what problems you're talking about, you're DOING it wrong!! It would be like somebody came up to you and said, you know, I drink all the time and nothing happens. What would you say? I'd say, let me watch you drink. That's preposterous to your friend. And you know what? He's a sipper. Sit, sit, sit and rotate. That's not it. Watch. You do that. Hey! Now why do I know I'm right? Why do we know we're right about that? We know the power of booze. It's that simple. We know the power of boozed. You pour enough into somebody, boom. Well, we know the power of spirituality. It's much bigger than booze. It's so powerful. It's more powerful than boozed. And so if we're not reasonably content, then we're no close enough. That's the only problem we have. It appears to be a financial problem. It appears it's a health problem. It appears there are all these other things. But really, we're too far away from a higher power. Somebody cut us off in traffic. we got a resentment and the resentment immediately cuts us off from God now we're all alone now we are back out there by ourselves and they overpower us and then we go I can't stand this world it's over and you go you got unplugged you know there was one time in a movie scene they are visiting a guy in the oxygen tent and one of his visitors steps on the oxygen hose and after a while the symptoms underneath the tent there and they call the nurse and they are like get the doctor look at all these symptoms that are going on in there and then somebody goes, oh, I'm stepping on the oxygen hose. And all of a sudden all these symptoms go away. Oh, now I'm better. And so we get cut off from the spirit by any one of these character defects just boom, cuts us off. And then we manifest all these systems that get diagnosed as well, he's got this, he's Got a relationship problem, he's gotta have a bunny problem, he's gonna help him, blah, blah, bla. And then We go, oh, somebody stepped on the God hose. Let me get that. Goodbye health problems. Goodbye relationship problems. Goodbye money problems. Hey, how are we doing? I'm fine. I'm doing good. I'm good again. I'm going to be fine again. This is where it's at. It's there. But it never looks that way. So we need each other. We desperately need each another to constantly remind ourselves first things first. Put your spiritual contact first and all the problems will disappear. They only exist because we feel that we're separated. So, we use each other to stay close. And I felt very close here this weekend. There was that awareness that there is, in fact, something bigger than all of us. That the channel got open. The prayer of St. Francis. Make me a channel of thy peace. let me just close with this on that the thought about that prayer when I first read that I saw that sentence make me a channel of thy peace and I went I love that thought I'm going to get these character defects out of the way this channel's going to open up and this wonderful peace from God is going to flow in and cover me with this wonderful feeling and then years later I realized that isn't it at all that isn' t that isn''t even close to what it looks like I'm going to work these steps I'm gonna get the character defects the character effects are nothing more than blockages between you and this spirit flow they're neutral some of you feel guilty you have them they're just there and you gotta get them out of the way so that you can have this wonderful flow but the flow doesn't flow in it flows out it flows from it it's already there all this peace but it's like the dead sea until it flows I can't feel it And so that's why the rest of the prayer says, you know, make me a child of peace that where there is sadness, I can bring love. That where there was darkness, I can ring light. Where there's error, I can brin truth. So that all this comes out from us. So all of this is already inside of all of us. If we can't improve on it, we can make it better, it's already perfect. We're just going to get access to it. And you can see that when you are out helping somebody, you are experiencing a flow that you can't get in any other fashion it's been a pleasure to be here today and God bless you all