Russell S. – The Disease – The Disease In Your Mind – 2024

my name is russell spatz i'm an alcoholic i'm a member of the south dixie group from alcohol from miami florida and uh i haven't found necessarily have a drink nor have i had a drink since january 25th 1981 so i'm in my 44th year of sobriety and i feel a little bit like a thief getting an applause for that because that has really nothing to do with me left my own devices i'd be drunk and uh i'm just a beggar trying to show another bigger way to get across the bread that's it for me so i want to first of all uh i i i want to first well thank uh some of the people involved here number one uh the people that i know that i met kat and mike you've been glorious and wonderful the group is fantastic i i have another group of people that came in through zoom and uh and i want to thank my friends that came in from zoom and they keep on um i've got uh and who is stephanie's here somebody i have some friends that know me from zoom meetings you know joshua and stephani and i see she brought linda too who had a birthday but i want thanks stephany for showing me all the texts that are coming in and uh cindy sent me a text thank you cindia i should do my talk in humility but you know, I never do it with a group this small. So you know, that's not gonna happen. And I got I got about 10 people sending saying that get on with it. It's 1130 there in New York, I'm tired. Me too. I'm from Miami same time zone but this group gives me the the enthusiasm to sort of tell a little bit about my story I have a short period of time so I'm not I'm going to 75 this month my 44th year of sobriety i've got uh you know i didn't come today with any stories my story was something like uh you don't understand it's not my fault i can understand why you think i have a drinking problem knowing the little you know but i i don't have a drinking problem i drink because i have problems and one day my problems will go away and and i won't have to drink anymore so thank you for your advice but why don't you go screw yourself and And that was sort of like my deal. I'm an if-only or a yes-butter. I wake up every morning saying, if I only had that gal, if I'd only had my own girlfriend, if I've only had more money, if I'll only had a job, if I had this, if I would only lose weight, I'd be okay. And I never realized until I was 25 years sober that I woke up every day saying I'm not okay. But of course, that's the real disease. The disease is not about drinking, so I'm going to talk about drinking. Not that I'm against drunkologues. I love drunk-a-logs, but there's more important stuff to talk about because, you know, there's a lot of people. You may not know this. I don't know how it happens in California, but I'm here for the guy who has 11 years and is sitting in the audience. In six months, he's going to be drunk, but he doesn't know it. I'm hearing from the person with 22 years. He's got 22 years, and he's feeling pretty good because he's got 32 years. In six month, he'll be drunk but he's doesn't now it. And we have the person who's got three months, and she's feeling very good. He's excited about himself, but in another year he's going to be drunk and he doesn't know it. I'm here for the disease of alcoholism, not here for alcohol because alcohol is just a symptom of the problem. It's what gets us in here. It's a hell of a symptom, but I'm going to talk about old timer stuff, the six step and how it affected me in my life. And the truth is one reason I'm doing that is because I've lost my memory. Don't get me wrong. If you put a gun to my head, I'll give you a drunk-a-log. i'm gonna say a few drunk a lot sort of things you know what i mean but uh so you know i'm not here just because of the coffee but i mean i'm going to i'm saying a few things so that you know i am an alcoholic but the truth of the matter is but the sixth step is the step that separates men from the boys and i couldn't help but notice that maybe uh between the ages of uh you know up to 20 you get a bunch of people and then between 20 and 40 20 and 55 nobody's around and there's a reason for that it's not because they all die because i deal with a lot of people that have 10 20 30 50 all that sort of stuff and they drink before they get there and i deal with a lots of people sponsor a lot people that have more than 15 years and they're miserable and they are not happy with their sobriety and our big book says here and there once in a while it says a man will tell you a former drinker feel better look better having a better time we laugh at such salaries we know he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with sobriety no sooner no loneliness as few do so i'm going to hear talk about the disease i'm talking about the real problem that centers in your mind not your body because alcoholics are insane because we must be insane because they say you come to believe that a power of our own ourselves can restore us to sanity and if you're sane you don't need to be restored to sanity only insane people need to get restored to sanity so i am here to talk about insanity the insanity you don t even realize you have until you have maybe 40 years and you're not quite sure of that because it doesn't arise until you start until life starts hitting you over the head at first you may get hit overhead with your life because of the consequences of your actions i love john wayne's quote life is tough and when you're stupid it's even tougher and and i was a guy that i thought it was the smartest guy in the room and i knew everything and i i that's what i i thought i thought I knew everything but that was all i knew i didn't know how to hold the marriage together i didn'T KNOW HOW TO BE A GOOD FRIEND i DIDN'T KNOW how to have any integrity so i'm going to talk a little bit about the booze i want to congratulate all the celebrants i i've got to do that and i really am proud of you and everybody from the guy with one day or whatever it is to the guy would 55 years and uh i think that's just an incredible deal and uh I'm gonna just sort of breeze through this i think i got 25 minutes or something like that so you guys i said you walk in here you don't have a story what's the story you know and and alcoholics are very well defended you know you don't tell somebody they're an alcoholic they'll they'll fight you over it and i know if i fought over it but the way you learn it is you learn by coming to these meetings you come to these you can't you can'tyou got to flank them you know go to a meeting and you're sitting there in the audience and some guy's telling the story and you say you ever hear a guy tell a story you say man that guy is crazy and then you think and say shit i was doing that last week you know and all of a sudden you got a story and so all of the sudden you've got a story. You start remembering, yeah I was doing that and I was doing that. And then you start to remember I was doing that when I was drinking, I was doing that, you start thinking about what was happening, you start thinking about your own stories and then as you listen to people in the group, you hear their story, you start thinking of your stories and then every week that goes by you got another story. And you come up and you hear people say they say, you wouldn't believe what happened to me today. I had a fight with my mother, she said this and she said that and blah blah blah and I went the thing and and you know what i did i said this and it was like the perfect thing and and my mom said thanks it was unbelievable and and then they say this word they say and that's not me and it ain't you and what you want to make sure is that you never show up whoever you were you want to make sure that person never shows up. Because that person will show up again. That's the truth. And I have to work real hard and believe real hard and have a lot of faith so that person never showed us up. You know, I pray every time I get up to speak, that Lord shows up, and then I don't show up because you wouldn't like me if i showed up because i hurt people i have bad thoughts about myself and other people because there's things going on with this alcoholism that alcoholics don't even know and i don't know for instance i didn't know that i'm petrified of you i didn'T know that that's why they asked me what song do you want i said i want i want the song i am no longer a slave to fear that's the song i want because i was a slave to fear because i'm a guy who used to say i don't know maybe you got maybe you had a different maybe you guys had a mild to form this disease i i didn't realize the disease you ever say somebody i don'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME YOU EVER SAY IT OUT LOUD I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY THINK about me maybe you left the word crap out or something you must be a nice alcoholic i'll give a shit what they think about me how about this forget about when you ever said that to somebody you ever think that you ever think in your mind you heard that somebody said something you think that somebody said something and you say i don't give a you just tell yourself over and over again you don't give a crap what people think about people that really don't give a crap what other people think about them never say stuff like that they say pass the ketchup but they don't say that stuff the only people that say that staff are people that live their entire vain future lives worrying about what everybody else thinks about them people People that will do anything not to be rejected. People who will whore themselves for the world. People who spend money they don't have to buy things they don'T need to impress people they DON'T even like. You know, those are the people. I'M THAT KIND OF ALCOHOLIC. Although, you see, because it says unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, whatever they are, his sobriety will be precarious and true happiness will find none at all one of the consequences of being an alcoholic if you're an alcoholic you hate yourself and you know you're unworthy i'm not talking about you guys because i could see you're a more involved bunch of people you're probably spiritual not religious right you just you've just gotten to the point at 10 or 20 years where you're like a spiritual person you know we almost don't even need a when you think of that because you're just so spiritual and i used to say that and i used to mean it and i got to be honest with you i'm not spiritual i'm a material evil person deep down inside it can come at me anytime and whatever you see in me that you think is decent or nice it's because of the god that i've grown to understand and love it's cause of him i'm reflecting him it's not because of me because i know who i am i've done my steps i've looked at the deal i know exactly who iam and it's good and you know something you know the book says we will not regret the past well there are things i've done in the past that i do regret and i've made peace with that the way i treated my first wife and her family i regret that as a matter of fact i would hate to be the person who did the things i did to people and somehow think it's okay and i don't agree and it's not that i didn't make amends i made amends to everybody and then i had a relationship with them good relationship but i won't i know how much i hurt them sometimes you don't realize how much you've hurt people and what you've done to destroy lives until you're 20 or 25 years sober, or five years sober. You look back. And you know something? I'm sort of glad I regret that, because I've decided, I prayed about that deal, and I've decide that the fact that I regret what I did in the past and how much I hurt some people, it tells me this. It tells me, you know, Russell, that's who you really were and that's where you could be if you stopped walking with God. And it tells us that I could be that person again. and so not only don't i take my sobriety for granted you understand so i i'm grateful to god because of the way he lets me work today because i don't have to feel like some sort of guilty slime i don'T HAVE TO DO WHAT ALCOHOLICS LOVE TO DO AND THEY DO IT ALL THE TIME DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY'RE DOING IT THEY DON'T even know it'S PART OF THE DISEASE I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR I'M FIVE YEARS SOBER AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I HEAR THE VOICE YOU GUYS PROBABLY DON'T HEAR The Voice YOU'RE LATHERING UP IN THE SHOWER AND YOU HEARThe VOICE YOU'RE A PIECE OF CRAP YOU OUGHT TO KILL yourself. You'll never be okay. I'm 10 years sober and all of a sudden you hear the voice. What's the use? You're a piece of crap. Might as well kill yourself. You'll Never Be Okay. And I'm sponsoring 2,000 people and I'm going to meetings and I'M DOING CIRCUIT TALKS AND I'M DOING THE WHOLE BIT AND I'm STILL IN THAT VOICE. I'M IN THE CAR. I'M LOOKING AROUND TO SEE WHO'S TELLING ME I'M A PIECE OF CRAP AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. AND I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE car you know and that's voice is coming from inside of me and that the voice that I want to quiet and the big book says we'll lose fear people in a wrecking up insecurity when is that going to happen what does that then how is that gonna so that's the stuff I'm going to talk about I had a guy sponsor once calling me up Tommy he's still sober he's got four years sobriety and he we were co-prosecutors and state's attorneys office who are both division chiefs major crimes prosecutors and Tommy was a great guy He was a jock from New Jersey, Florida and tried a bunch of murder cases together. And what happened was he called me up one day and he was living in the floor of a probation officer's apartment. And he was supposed to be in court. He couldn't make it there because he had been using cocaine and booze for months. And I was already three years sober. And he called him up and I called him chief judge. I got him out of that deal and ran over to get him. took him to his first aa meeting and he took off like a superstar i loved his hair was down the ear he got it cut short he looked like the old tommy he was doing great he loved aa he was going to meetings he got three months sober and then one day i was i was at a meeting i got a phone call and uh and i remember being on the phone with him and he said and he was whispering. And he said, Russell, I think I have to leave AA. I said, Tommy, is this Tommy? He says, yeah, yeah. He says, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. So what do you mean? You're on the probation officer's floor. You were snorting cocaine. You went to AA. Everything changed. You love AA you've been going to AA meetings for three months straight two a day you're telling him you're an alcoholic what do you mean you're not okay he says yeah I know I says I know I know he says but I really don't think I'm an alcoholic he said I don't understand how you think that he says Russell listen listen then he whispered he says I think I think I'm just crazy you can't make this stuff up this is how you get more this is the story became a story for me i think i'm crazy i said tommy he said what he says tommie he said what i said tommy listen listen he said why this is you can be both he said really i said absolutely this is a star prosecutor you know prosecuted you know some big big murder cases he it was like it was was like a bolt of lightning you know what i mean you could be he said thank god i thought i had to leave so for you guys who are waking up at three o'clock in the morning and you're five or ten years sober if you guys had a riddled with fear if you guy's are in a panic mode you guys don't want to drink but committing suicide is a possible option because you think about it all the time you wonder what's going on i just wanted to let you know you can be both and you're suffering from something called disease of alcoholism which centers in your mind not your body and you've been suffering from that ever since you were a baby and i drank alcohol because no woman no car no amount of money no suit of clothes no better job ever worked quite as well and quite as fast it's just a few drinks and that's why i drank it and if it worked for me the way it worked for me when I was 18 years old, I'd still be drinking it. But the deal is with me, it doesn't work for me anymore. And the real sad deal is it stopped working for me about 15 years before I realized it stoppedworking for me and I hurt a lot of people. And I'd like to be able to blame alcohol for all the people I hurt, but most people I heard, I was stone cold sober when I heard them. And i've heard many of the people, many ofthe same ways after I stopped drinking because I have a disease that centers in my mind. And you want to know something? The women, the cars, the money the whole bit the vanity of things in this world the worldly clamors that Bill Wilson was talking about they work too even after the booze goes I can use them I can us the woman, the romance, the sex, the money, the cars and everything and that works too and it comes with the same detriment the same problems and it kept me in the same place you know and that's the deal and there's only one way out for me and I don't like the way out There's a great line on page 42 of the big book, God Calls Synonyms. He says, you know, there are so many lines that are not talked about in meetings. And one of the lines is, man, I wish I had it here and I should have. And what it says, it says men approached me and they suggested a way of life. And what they suggested to me was absolutely drastic. Drastic. He says. But once I accepted that I had to do these drastic things, I had the profound feeling that i was going to be okay and in fact i was and so i think i'm going to probably talk a little bit about the sixth step which is an old-timer step which is a step that separates out the men from the boys it's the step that rockets you into the fourth dimension of existence because you could be in the not drinking club for 20 years and feel sorry for yourself and be ticked off and carry resentments or you can be in the rocket in the fourth dimension club you know you know how they you know there's a thing called the rocket and the fourth dimension the only requirement to stay sober is a desire to stop drinking it doesn't even have to be an honest desire they threw that out a long time ago it was too high a bar for alcoholics way too high you know but but there's a different requirement for the fellowship of the spirit you know there's something called the fellowship in the spirit and that's not just the desire to stay sober because you just stay sober you become like tommy sober but crazy sober but scared sober but overspending sober but looking at all the things of this world instead but you know you could be a you could beat rocket in the fourth dimension existence and no heaven and no peace but the requirement is you got to make god the central fact of your life and you got to be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous and it's a drastic move that you have to do in order to get to that place over a long period of time repeated humiliations final crushing of your self-sufficiency which happens in 10 years or 20 years or 30 years i'm just telling you my experience i'm telling you what i've seen and what i know whether you accept my testimony or not is up to you because that's what i'm here to do i'm hier to honestly try to honestly give you my testimony my my my story you know you don't have to believe it you can live it, you can see what happens to a lot of people because you know one of the chief characteristics of alcoholics is defiance you know what defiance is I did a talk in a prison the other day and so I said well what's this you know defiance, what is this you know one of things I said to him the chief characteristic I read this in the book selfishness and self-centeredness that's that's the basis of our problem that's the real problem driven driven we're not even charged it's automatic pilot driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion self-seeking we step on toes of others and they retaliate seemingly without provocation but we've learned that we made decisions based upon self that puts us selfishness based on that puts a position to be hurt so now talk is really self over and right though he usually doesn't think so and we're delusional you know that means that means we can't separate the true from the false that means we think things that are untrue but we're sure of them you know and you know when that happens that happens after you get sober it happens before you get sober and it happens after he gets over your delusional I know because I will work with a lot of physically sober alcoholics and they're crazy and they don't know they're great they want to argue some guy asked me what is defiance I said I'll tell you what defiance is I asked I asked my sponsor what that meant everybody needs a sponsor to translate the big book which is even though one of the great things about the bigbook is it sort of explains to alcoholics who they are and what they are in a quote non-confrontational way which is the one thing an alcoholic doesn't need needs to be confronted bill wilson said to henry the cyberling he says we shouldn't talk so much about god because he was worried about what other people thought about him and i get that he was an alcoholic just like me and real suddenly he says bill if you don't talk about god that's the only reason you're sober he says don't worry about pleasing alcoholics they've been pleasing themselves all their lives why don't you just worry about instead of worrying about what alcoholics think about you why don'T you worry about what god thinks about you because if you start worrying about What God Thinks About You you can be honest with people and even in groups this large because the truth of matter is you're not filtering it by saying well what will they like me to say what should i say so they like me you can just tell them the truth and if you tell themthe truth you never walk away saying did i hurt somebody's feelings did he did the wrong thing because the truth is you're trying to please god and what god wants you to do is authentically tell your story because that's your new job to be isn't that our new job be of maximum service to him and other people so yes you treat everybody like they have a broken heart because they probably do but the bottom line is never fail to never rob an alcoholic of his last drink or his desperation and never failed to tell that alcohol the truth even if it pisses them off because the one thing you know about alcoholics if you piss them off at least that means they heard you because if you haven't told a long time ago if you throw a rock into a group of dogs the one that you the one that yelps the loudest is the one who gets hit and that's the one that will never forget you for two months they'll be thinking that son of a bitch why did they let him talk what the hell does he know and he'll leave the drink or he'll have a resentment he'll go to his sponsor and he'l pray about it he'll do an inventory and he''ll say holy shit that guy was right you know and then he'll come up to you seven years later and say i heard you talking i used to hate you but now i love you and you'll save this life because instead of thinking of yourself and trying to ingratiate yourself like you always do and be popular you decide that even if people walk out the door and hate your guts you don't care about that because at least you could tell the lord you told them the truth and you didn't lie to him so one day i'm on i had to get a few bucks i go down i spend it all because that's what i do i buy my brand new camaro because i know now i'm going to be okay it doesn't matter what you do whether you buy a new dress you know whether you whether you get a reconstructive surgery whatever the hell you do to make yourself okay because you know inside you're a piece of crap, you know? So if you just, and you got to be okay immediately, right? You got to do it immediately. It's going to change your life because your life is crappy, you know, but you don't say your life. It's great. You just say, I got to go. I got the guy. I'll get the gal. I'll give the job. I'll go whatever it is. So I went down. I bought the car and they say, they say okay come back tomorrow. We'll prep it. He says no, no. I want to take it right now. He says, no, we got to practice law. So nine o'clock that morning. I'm down there. i'm getting the brand new camaro you know i get in that car it's got 100 miles got a brand new smell it's 1970 1971 i'm on the old it's saturday morning at nine o'clock on miami beach you know i get into that car you know about 200 pounds lighter than i am right now i'm young kid like 19 years old i got a t-shirt on i got the marlboro cigarettes rolled up i got my sunglasses on i got a cigarette hanging out of my mouth i got the windows down i'm driving down biscayne boulevard on miami beach i thought the whole world was looking at me i thought every woman in china was lusting over me and look at me in that car you know what i mean well listen if you're an alcohol you have to have a really good imagination you know i mean i believe me you know because you don't want to hang around people you want to hand it off to them you don' t want to those imaginary gals you know and uh because real gals say things like no you know they talk you know yeah you're laughing you don't know what it's like they say no i don't want to dance with you you know and stuff like that unless you have a few drinks and then you can say hey you're lost sweetie you know you can live in your make-believe world but in any event uh and so i i i'm driving down miami beach and i drive down three blocks and i stop at a light and some dude drives next to me in a brand new red cadillac convertible some old old fart that looks like me i suppose and he's got the playboy bunnies in next to him because that was my first bible you know playboy magazine and i just look he's there and i'm looking at him i'm working up at him because i'm the camaraderie i'm Looking Up At Him and He's Looking Down At Me I'm Looking up at Him He's looking down at me and Looking Up at Him and The Blonde Sin Next To Him He's Lookin Down At me i'm in my brand new camaro and i say why can't i have a car like that the payments lasted 36 months you know the car lasted three blocks that's how it is when you go and you chase that stuff and chase that self and then you get in it as a half-life it's like sort of like being married one day i was one day I was in yes like it's like marriage it's like marriage i know it is it's like marriage you see because this is real so this is my life you know it may have been funny to you but i'll tell you this is My Life so i'm sitting in the class in college i was going for my phd in algebraic topology you know which don't even ask me what it is because i couldn't explain it now i mean i came today they had like two neurons working and they were waving goodbye to each other but i was i saw this gal walk in and i looked at this gal because that was my deal i looked at the scale i said man if i could have that gal i'd be okay and i i started the problem you know i wanted what she had i was willing to go to any length to get it and so i started in the process of trying to ingratiate myself and insinuate myself into her life you know being the charming guy i was and i found out her father was a doctor and her mother was a lawyer and her grandfather was a lawyer she came from a whole thing of professionals and and all of a sudden i decided i said you know i think what i ought to be is i oughta be a lawyer you know I oughta Be a Lawyer It made a lot of sense. You know, professors don't make a lot of money. Lawyers make a whole lot of money, you know, women look up to them and everything like that, and I changed my whole career. I decided I went to law school. Somebody asked me, why did you become a lawyer? I said, well, like Perry Mason, I became a lawyer to get in a gal's pants. That's why I became a lawyer. That's what I'm doing today. It's too late now. Yeah, you're laughing. You guys have never done anything like that. You know? You're not those type of alcoholics. I'm the kind of alcoholic that I have no no integrity to anything, to marriage, to anything. I tell myself I'm an honest guy, but I'm not an honest sky. I told myself I was smart, but somehow my smart is mixed with my cravings and my feelings. And it always comes out sour. And so I married this gal. We have a baby and we have a beautiful house on Miami beach on the LaGorge country club golf course, 11th fair mint way. I get a job with the state's attorney's office to become a division chief major crimes prosecutor there and and uh and I'm I get and and I I never cheated on my wife I would just go to the bar you know alcoholics talk about balance I would go to The Bar at 4 30 in the afternoon you got to get there like a half an hour before the rush job I'd start feeling good right as I was pulling into The Bar and I'd sit there and I drink with the homicide cops and everything like that and if I was on homicide duty or something I'd drink with The Cops and I sit there at 4.30 from 4. 30 in the morning till 4. 3 from 4 30 in the afternoon till 4 30 In the morning with a wife and baby at home. I never cheated on my wife, I'm very proud of myself that I'm proud of my So you know, I would sit there and I would look at the blondes, and the brunettes and the redheads. And I would say, if I only wasn't married, I could have one of those. So I never cheat it on my life. I just sat there for 12 hours and drank because I can drink for 12 hours easy. You When I come in the day, they say you go to a meeting a day or something like that. Whoa, a meeting today is kind of drastic, you know what I mean? It's drastic, but I can sit for 12 hours and drink and look at the blonde spoonettes and then I roll into my house. And one day after five years of marriage, my lovely wife said to me, I was dressed in a blue suit, white shirt, red tie going into the office. And she said tome, I just want you to know she was like delivering the mail. He says, you've come on drunk one more time. I'm leaving you. she wasn't trying to start a fight she just said you know it was like apparently she had some self-esteem or something i don't know where she got that you know she wasn'T going to stick around with that crap and and uh they said you Know that thing about the lesson told in alcohol accepts his alcoholism all its consequences probably be precarious and too happy just don't find that at all so i get my car and i drive three blocks i'm as sober as i am right now and i stop at a light and i say this what the hell did she mean by that 12 words if you come home one more time i am leaving you what the heck i was like baffled that's the consequence of being alcoholics whenever you're whenever you see hear read or are told anything you don't like it baffles you you get confused you know like the judge tells you i see one more time i'm putting you under the jail what the hell was that all about you know and so i go to the bar that day everything that was important to me or should be important tome was right up there in mind and i go on to go tothe bar one day and that day i goto the bar i get there at 4 30 i'm only gonna have one drink i didn't forget what she said i said at the bar that's not the bari order my first drink the double scotch you know because that's how i drank i always thought always started with two you know because and i would whack that down and doug hartman comes up to me one of my drinking buddies great guy and he puts his arm around me he says how you doing buddy he says i gotta leave i gotta live my wife told me if i come home drunk one more time she's leaving me and he looks at me russell russell you are the greatest guy in the world your wife adores you she will never divorce you she loves you we all love you you're the greatest guy in the world and i'm thinking shit that's what i was thinking that's why i love hanging around with alcoholics you know i mean they're so bright they're the only ones that really understand me and so next thing i know it's 4 30 in the morning and the next morning i'm kicked out of the house and that's the end of my marriage the good news is i went over to doug's house and i said i'm here to live with you he says what get her on the phone let me talk to her but it was too late that was the end OF MY MARRIAGE but she had she was a woman of integrity and we had a son so she said let's go to a bible study i'm not a bible studying although i ultimately did that but uh she said lets go to marriage counselor and i felt i had to go because i felt like i didn't want to go cause i was finally out of it and i could say it's because i was a man i had no courage you know they say all men have we never apologized for god this is big book stuff by the way it says we never apologize for god all men of faith have courage you knows this is a big book thing it says all men of faith they trust their god instead they let them demonstrate through their testimony but he would have them be at once they begin to outgrow fear that's a big book by the way that's conference approved stuff isn't it you know what that means that means if if you don't have faith you don'T HAVE COURAGE that means you're a coward means you'RE A COWARD you're scared to talk about god at meetings because you're worried what other people think about you you still talk you stay you stay until you've been mentioned god because you want people to like you it means youRE A COOWARD i say shit like that don't pay any attention to it but if it does disturb you remember whenever you're disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong with you by the way that's big books by the way that big book stuff i just want to let you know that i'm not just it's just not my opinion it's i mean that's if you're one of these guys that want to do this thoroughly because really have they seen a person fail this to fail you know hasn't thoroughly followed it if you want to do it thoroughly you might want to consider that there's a lot of things i can tell you about what it means to do it thoroughly and what it needs to do six steps thoroughly as opposed to being in the not drinking club so I go to the marriage counselor he asks my wife what's the three things you want to change about Russell she says something I'm not even paying attention because I have a date with a redhead I can't believe I'm back here again they're like godfather they're dragging me back in he says what do you wantto change about your wife and I say without even missing a beat sober as I am right now I say I just want to date other women calm down this is about the time that women start looking at me differently they say this guy really is an asshole you know what i mean and that's because i am i was a bum that's how people act when they're bums i was abominate in a three-piece suit and i thought nothing about ripping your intestines out and hurting you and doing anything to get where i wanted to go and that'S who i was and THAT'S what i regret and that's who i could be tomorrow if i stopped focusing if i stop start focusing on the stuff of this world instead of focusing on god and so finally ultimately three or four months later i found myself on december 25th christmas day at two o'clock in the morning i'd been kicked out which is a cuban thing that uh they have fun with and everything some gal man as long as i had a gal as long as i could find some sick woman to to love me or care about me i thought man i'm okay now i just needed that deal money or a gal or a job you know and she and i was kicked out of her house because i was drunk i got i was drunken before i got drunk just to do the party and here i'm alone on christmas you know you know alcoholism is a lonely disease thinking my life was over and i turn on the tv and there's a preacher on christmas eve two o'clock in the morning he's talking about the lord and and uh he said if your life is over and i was looking myself in the mirror who are you kidding me he says he says you'll let jesus into your life you'll be okay or whatever the heck he said and like in a flash i got down on my knees and i said the sinner's prayer invited him into my life and and you don't have to do any of this stuff this is just my story this is my story you understand so i'm allowed to tell my stories because what the book says by the way if you read the book says each alcoholic in his own way and using his own language and from his own point of view talks about how he developed a relationship with god that's in the big book and since what i do is i follow the big book even though it's drastic sometimes and i started talking about him and what happened when i started taking care of him and what's actually going on with me instead of being scared of y'all i stopped being scared of you and when i stopped being scared of you i stopped worrying what other people thought about me And then I stopped hating other people. You understand how that works? And then I started being able to be me instead of what you think I should be. And when I started you being me, everything worked out perfectly because nobody does me better than me but I never did me. You know what I mean? I was doing what I thought you wanted. So then I was able to talk freely and maybe even help other people and be honest. Truly honest with people. But I guess it's the side I guess it's all about whether you want to be a slave to fear or no longer be a slaved of fear. I guess that's what it's about. I don't know. I guess this is about being rocked in the fourth dimension. I guess its about half measures not availing you nothing. Getting rid of old ideas as a result was ill. I guess it's either God is everything or he's nothing. I guess if God is everything, you're going to be talking about him. You're going be like Bill Wilson said. The Lord has been so wonderful to cure me of this terrible disease. Gotta keep talking about it and telling other people. you're gonna be like dr bob maybe when they said what's first things first seeking first the king of god and his righteousness and all things will be added unto that he said that by the way in dr bob the good old time is no nobody reads that i guess you're going to be doing what they did in dr bob in the good ol' times the books they found absolutely essential were first through first corinthians 13 sermon on the mouth book of james they studied those books they said they were absolutely essential i guess the big book we started this thing in 1935 the big book was written 1939 i got some news for you they say really ever seen a person fail it was thoroughly followed our past they weren't reading the big book they're reading something else but that's has to do with thoroughly stuff and you don't want to get into that because that's like six-step crap you know what i mean you just want to settle for what you think is okay and what you Think it's okay as long as you're not drinking you think that's okay and what You think is Okay it's not drastic it's Not even close to drastic And so i get a sponsor i got eight minutes i'll do something in eight minutes so i get a sponsor coming down so i i get down on my knees and you know give myself the lord which is not a big deal there's no atheists and what are they saying and what is that foxholes yeah thank you well i'm gonna be 75 so there's nothing in fossils and and so so but i mean for a jewish kid from new york it's pretty drastic you know don't you think and then i continue to drink but that doesn't mean something didn't happen and on january 25th 1981 i had my last drink so i come into alcoholics and honest i get a sponsor i humble myself i do the surrender thing by picking up a chip like people picked up a that's a humbling experience when you got a defiant badass piece of crap know-it-all lawyer you know he's used to putting people in jail because he likes it to pick up in front of 100 people a white chip walk in front OFM you know what i mean it's a humbling experience you know and that's what this thing is all about a new perspective constant new perspectives you understand constantly hitting bottom always hitting bottom but it's an ego deflation in death ego defamation in death constantly puncturing the ego 10 20 30 years constantly punching the ego you know because alcoholics are defying people you know What's the defined person the conflict says what does mean to be defined i said i tell you to go right you say screw you i'm going left that's the fight you do you defy people who the hell do you think you're talking about because when you're talking to somebody who feels like a piece of crap the one thing you don't want to do is make them even think that you think they're a piece de crap but if they're alcoholics and you talk to them even if you love them they think you'RE TALKING DOWN TO THEM WHEN ALL YOU'RE TRYING TO DO IS HELP THEM BECAUSE THEY FEEL SO LOW AND SO I COME TO AA AND THEN I HUMBLED MYSELF AGAIN because i got myself a sponsor because i guess the reason was because the one great thing i had going for me it says we insist on people hitting bottom because nobody's going to do this drastic stuff unless they hit bottom unless they think their life depends upon it and i've i wanted so much not to not to drink i got the sponsor and his name is bob i'm supposed to have listen my sponsor was supposed to be albert einstein or jesus christ but they weren't available so they foisted this this guy he was he didn't even graduate the sixth grade i think he was a used car sale from chicago but he had about 15 years his name was bob sullivan so i went to say it to bob and he said he said this is what i want you to do he said i want to do three things i want you join a group he said don't drink call me before don't call me after call me before you're going to drink and he says i want your either 24 hour book every day 24 it's a great book it's what they all used for like 40 years was a combination of the big book and the bible every day on your knees ask god's help to stay sober i don't remember him asking me whether i believe in god he just told me that i took every time my sponsor suggested something to me i always took it as an order i did what clarence the room master did you know in the book dr bob in the good old times which i know you all read and studied when bob when bob came to talk to him and he said you and the first thing he said is do you believe in God because nobody told bob that if you ask that question you're killing newcomers nobody told bobsmith that if he mentioned god you're telling blue newcomers he said the clarence he said do you believe in god young fellow he says what does that have to do with it and dr bob said everything he said well i guess so guess nothing you either do or you don't do you believe in god well i do he says good get down on your knees by the hospital bed we're going to say the prayer and he prayed god into his life and then that's when clarenced said that famous line in conference approved material dr bob the good old time is he said i did what i was ordered to do there were no suggestions there wereno suggestions they asked dr bob what does first things first mean i don't know what you think it means but i'll tell you what dr bob said if you're interested he said seek ye first the kingdom of god his righteousness all these things will be added unto you oh that's the way they did it back in the old days not like it is night now you know we let people wander around and flop around and they figure this thing out and most of them don't and they just drink that's the way it happens so bob uh came to my office one day i'll tell you i was sponsored i had a nickname they called me stupid they said your best thinking got you in here so he came tomy office on my office i have this wall it's got 20 plaques and diplomas proving that i've been educated far beyond my capacity to understand anything and i said bob these are my degrees and he says russell you know rectal thermometers have degrees you know what they do with those gives you an idea how i was sponsored you know what i mean one day i went up to him i was broke i had a big cadillac i had wife i had a house i was broken i hadn't made the mortgage payments in a couple of months i was worried i couldn't stand it i was going nuts you know i could have shared it with my mom i'm not gonna tell my group not that i give a shit what they think about me you know but i'm not gonna tell them and that the big shot lawyer doesn't have any money and uh so i i told my sponsor maybe give me a couple of bucks and i went up and i told my sponsor and he said well i couldn't solve that he says you could solve he says yeah he says uh he says i think it's about time you start making coffee with the group i said whoa i don't think i explained myself properly you know i mean a is great but we're talking money right up there with oxygen he watched me over the coffee pot and i made coffee and the next day i didn't want to go to the group i didn'T WANT TO GO BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY AND I WAS VERY DEPRESSED BUT I HAD TO GO because i had to make the stupid coffee and I was worried about what people would think about me and he did the spiritual jujitsu that same thing, worried about people thinking about me had me worried about this group would think about me so I made the coffee and I showed up I did coffee in the group for 18 months after 3 months the money came in some guy came up to me and said I'll make the coffee I said I'm the coffee maker, who the hell appointed you you son of a bitch who do you think you are one last story, I only have 2 minutes and I'll tell you one last story it's too bad I got 10,000 of them but we don't have all year so i go to my i may go over a minute or two you make believe you're in the bar so you don't want to leave so uh so i uh i'm mad i got married to my my my second wife you know my sponsor said don't make any moves during your first year so I got married after three months didn't think it was a big deal I may have been wrong but now I got four kids and eight grandkids it's too late for me now but and uh so i i um i i go to my sponsor i got had a fight with my wife i don't know how many people are married here but every once in a while you have a disagreement you know and i have some great stories husband-wife stories so i had a disagreement with my life and i decided that i said and it was horrible and i was going to get a divorce i was 10 years i was gonna get a divorce so i went with my sponsor joe snyder at the time and said, I'm out of here. I didn't sign up for this shit. I didn'T sign up for this crap. This is bull. And I gave him a blow-by-blow description of everything she said. And let me tell you something. I was Alki Wright. If you disagree with me, you have to die because you're so stupid. You know what I mean? And I was sponsoring. I was doing all the steps and I was speaking around. It was all over the place. But she... There was no way. And he says to me, he looks at me And he says, so why are you upset? And I said, what do you mean? He says, why are You upset? He says. I just spent 20 minutes telling you everything she did. Everything she said. He says I understand. But why are U upset? I says, what Do you mean why? He says that's not why you're upset. What do you That's not what he says. That's Not why you'Re upset. I mean, she said all that stuff. She says, Russ, that's Not Why you're Upset. He says That's Why you' Re upset. I said, well, he said, that's not why you're upset. And then he shut up. And I'm sitting there and of course I'm very interested in me and he's acting like he knows something I don't know and he has got like 25 years. And so I said well do you know why I'm upset? He said, oh absolutely. I said you know what? You know why am I upset? Oh, it's so easy. I said, well, are you going to tell me why I'm upset? He says, I don't know. Do you really want to know? I said well of course I want to know. Why am I upset? And then he said, this is the exact words. I'm not making this up. I got 10 years and this is what he says. Listen, stupid. My nickname. He said listen stupid, you're upset because you're obsettable and i and i say what is this like zen aa what and you know i've been married almost 44 years now and well i'm scared to get a divorce but i mean and i've been married 44 years now and uh sometimes my wife and i doesn't don't see eye to eye and i have a whole other story that i could tell you but uh they'd shoot me so i'm not going to tell you about something happened recently but but uh she does some stuff i'm not even talking about putting the toilet roll on wrong you know what i mean the wrong way or putting things in the wrong place i'm talking about she's just some really stuff you know and uh and but i don't really get into too many fights with her you know why because it doesn't upset me and i've learned that the world hasn't changed a whole bit but i just don't get upset about it and you know when you don't get upset about things you don t crave things you don t lust after things and you don t drink and you know what my big book says god will show you how to create the fellowship you crave and i crave godly fellowship and so i don t hang around with toxic people you know and i own and i hang around with people that feel the way i do and search for the central fact of their life, and it ain't money. Because I learned a long time ago, I'm not my shoes, I'm Not My Coat, I'm No My Car. I'm no any of that stuff. None of that means anything. I have no bucket list. I don't even understand the thought process that goes through the mind that before I die, I want to go to the Grand Canyon. I don' t even get that. You know why I'm here? Because you know what's on my bucket list? See whether I can help one more person. because that's the only thing I focus on because that is what God wants me to focus on and if I focus on what God want me to do I find I am happy thank you very much