Russell S. – Surrender – A Bottle of J&B With Legs – 2023

My name is Russell Spatz and I am an alcoholic and I haven't found this to have a drink since January 25th, 1981. So I'm in my 43rd year and I'm 74 years old, married 43 years and four kids and eight grandkids and self-supporting through my own contributions and it's humbling. I want to thank whoever it was who was crazy enough to invite me here. and I think I'm about 80 miles away or something, my sponsor when I first came in he said whenever anybody asks you to do anything in AA you always say yes so that's why I'm here because somebody asked me but I do think there's a travel limit somewhere I mean there is this is probably, I really think see the danger is there'll be somebody here from like Tallahassee and they'll say what about Tallahassie I think this is pretty much the limit as far as driving although I'm doing the Bermuda convention in a, when am I doing that? November. But they're flying me there. If you want to fly me farther, I'll go. On your tab. You pay for it. And that's it. I'llgo all over the world. It doesn't matter if I've done this. Where was I? I'm old and I'm senile. This is all going to be senile stuff. I've got to explain that to you right off the bat. That's the deal. I think I did one in Bali, Indonesia once and then came back and did it. That was about 20 years ago. But that was an interesting experience so it's good to be here and i love talk this is what i love to do this is what i like to do and uh and i'll get out i'll probably get into that to a certain extent uh at some point in time thank you sweetie because i'm dangerous and you know so i'm going to start off but you know i actually i've got to be honest with you i i um i have no idea what i'm gonna say i don't plan it i asked the lord to help me put something on my heart and tell you something, it's going to be something about sobriety. It's going to be something about this program because I've been doing this thing for 43 years. I've done the whole bit for 43 year. All the suffering, the bullshit, the whole deal. I've sponsored them all. I've spoken all that, done all the deal and I just don't have any... My job is just be as transparent as possible and I just ask God to put the words in my mouth and hope I don't show up because I'll fuck it up. Whatever comes out, it's what he wants you to hear and if you don't hear it that's not my problem all I have to do I used to think my job was to carry a message you know if that's your job then you got to worry about whether after you talk whether anybody's going to drink is it your fault but my job's only to try to carry the message which means trying to carry The Message means that I'm supposed to try and do the best job I can do tonight with what I'm going to tell you and that's what I'll be doing the best job I could do 100 people in this room or something so you're going to hear a hundred different things. It's the old chicken on the roof story. And I was, some of you know that story. I know a few people here and I was doing a step series about 30 years ago or 30, I can't remember, 37 years ago or something in Homestead. And I, I was uh, doing this, I'm a lawyer by trade, so I'm paid bullshit artist. And uh, and uh, so right off the bat they knew I could, I could uh, I could bullshit, so I started doing this stuff, but I could express myself. In any event, I went down and I did this step series down in Homestead, Florida, and I walked in a room that was sort of something like this. It was about this size, and I think I was speaking on some stage. It was the worst—it's in the Guinness Book of World Records, that's my fact— the worst A-meeting in the history of alcoholics anonymous. If you look it up in the Guinness Book, the worst AA meeting in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous, my picture is there. It's the homestead meeting that I did when I had like around five years or three years or something like that. I don't know what step I was on. Three, four, whatever it is, I was doing something. And it just wasn't happening. I mean, it's just I could tell that they didn't... You know if you're an alcoholic, you can tell when people hate you. You can tell what they're thinking. As an alcoholic you can tell what they're thinking and not only can you tell what you're thinking you know they're always fucking thinking about you because you're always thinking about and they're thinkin about you and you know and I'm thinking about what you think about me and enough about me nothing what's your name James enough about let's talk about you what do you think of me okay forget that shit okay so we're gonna go on I'm probably use a little alkanese you know curse a little don't hold that do whatever you want with it I don't give a shit because I know no matter what you say that's the shit that's what's floating around in your brain so when I'm Czechoslovakia I check I talk Czechoslavakian and when I'm at church because I go to church and I'm a deacon in the Presbyterian Church and I started a ministry when I mature I speak a different way and when I'm an AA. I speak Alki, you know what I mean? So that kind of stuff because I'm no better than anybody else and there but for the grace of God goes high. So I'm just going to share a little bit about my experience. So let's talk about the Alki dog. Have you guys heard about the day Alki? It is like we're breaking the ice here and whatever you think I'm going to talk about, it's not going to be that. But in any event, so I was driving down the street and there was this sign. Talking dog for sale. Talking. Oh, you know this one? I do. This is a good one. Keep going. Well, you must have heard me before. Nobody else taught you that or somebody. It was probably Stevie B. He steals all my shit. I've sponsored him the biggest mistake ever. Fucking thief, you Know. But they haven't heard it, you Now. So are you going to be okay, or are you just going to sort of jump in with a... I would trust you, but you're an alcoholic. So it says talking dog for sale, $10. So it caught my attention. So I drove up. The guy was sitting out there. He said, you got a dog for sell? He says, yeah. Is this a talking dog? He says yeah. Dog talks. He says yes, dog talks. I said, well, can I see the dog? He says, yeah, he's in the back. Go ahead. He's there. He's right there in the backside. Walk around the house to the back and he's there in this like large cage. He's sitting there and he is hanging out there. And so I walked up and I said so you you're you're talking. You talk. He says. Yeah, yeah. I talk. Yeah. My name's Max. I'm a talking dog. I said this is unbelievable. You know, you talk. He said, yeah, I talk. I've been talking ever since I was a pup. I said, I've never heard of you. He says, yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it's been kept undercover for years. And he says, I originally was working for the CIA and I was working in Russia. And my the guy who owned me was a KGB guy. And he used to meet over in the Kremlin and take me with him because I'm a dog. And I had a handler there with the CIA. And they used to debrief me. And I and I would come back. I was there for about 10 years. And then I would come back and I would tell them all the stuff I heard that they were saying over in the Kremlin. And they would debrief me. And then after about 10 or 15 years, I got tired of that. And so they brought me back to the States. And I retired from the CIA and I started working for Monsanto doing industrial espionage. So I had a hand that he would take me over to Dow Chemical. And I'd sit at their boardroom. I mean, I'm a dog. they'd talk about all their new discoveries and shit like that and I'd go back to Monsanto and I tell them all that stuff and everything and then I'd go over to Dow Chemical or DuPont or something like that sit in their boardroom, hear all the stuff go back to Morsanto, tell them about all that stuff I was doing the industrial espionage stuff for about 20 years and then I retired, he says man this is the most amazing thing they ought to write a book He says, yeah, they wrote a book. They have a screenplay and, you know, it's going to be a movie and all that. So I'm saying this is unbelievable. I said, you Know, my house is right down the street. I said I got two dogs now, you're in a little bit. I mean, you'd really like my house. I got grandkids and everything like that. He says I'm going to – I mean if you wouldn't mind, would you like to live with me? He says yeah, yeah. Sure, no problem. He says talk to the guy outside. There's no problem with that. so I'm like amazed so I go to the guy and I said listen I just spoke to Max the dog and I said you know I'd like to buy him from you and he says I said how much? He said ten bucks just like the sign says I said ten buck I said ten bucks for a talking dog? He says yeah how can you sell a talking dog for ten bucks he says he's a fucking liar he didn't do any of that shit you know what i mean he's an alky dog you know so you see this won't be that harmful to you you know it's not going to hurt too much well it's going to a little it's gonna hurt a little it may hurt a lot but don't it's nothing personal it's just you know i've been around 43 years so I'm not really good with bullshit, and I don't suffer fools, you know. And I'm a firm believer that the only way an alcoholic gets a new perspective is by a beatdown. You see, my first wife said to me, I graduated from the Department of Law and Mathematics. I was going for my PhD in algebraic topology and I went into a room, a class on logic one day and there was this gal there. My first Bible was, I read it when I was 13, it was Playboy magazine. It was my Bible for many, many years and I was a lounge lizard. I used to run around the lounges looking at the blondes, the punessing redhead because I wanted what they had and I just wanted to go to A-Lane together. And I walked down the street with Francis. Look at that one, look at that One. My whole life was, look At that one. Look at That one over there. Look At that One And so the deal is, I was in this classroom. You know why this is all about alcoholism? You know Why everything I tell you Is about alcoholismo? Because I'm a fucking alcoholic. There's nothing in my life That isn't about alcoholisme. There's no story That isn' t about alcoholisme. It's all about this disease and victory over this disease. And I'm not talking about fiscal victory of not drinking because most people stop drinking. But statistically, about 70% of the people at any meeting will probably drink within 20 years. Now, if you look it up in Google, you'll see that in Google they say that around 39% of people drink after the first five years. But the truth is I've been around for a long time. And I don't know everybody in AA, but I know a lot. And there's a reason AA has been around for 90 years. And there is a reason why you don't see too many 40-year-olds in AA or 30 years. There is a region why, you know, you say how many people with one year at the birthday means one year, two years, three years, five years. Then they start dropping off and 10. Then there is big space like 50 and 20. Then all of a sudden you get to 20 and then 25, one guy at 30, and nobody at 40. There's a reason because they all drank. So that's why you have a lot of memes when people say I had 17 years and then I drank and now I'm back again. I had 22 years and I drank and now it's back again, I had five years and drank and I'm back again and you know why they drank? because they never got the... They tell you they drank. You know what they say? They say they drank because they stopped going to meetings, but that's a fucking lie. That's not why they drank I'm just giving you my experience. When a man with experience meets a man avec money, the man avec experience will walk away with the money and the man with the mone will walk way with the experience. I'm telling you my expeirence. You don't have to believe me. People don't drink because they stop going to meeting because you if that's true then you'll do what i did at three years i said well i'm just never going to stop going to meetings right that's the key just don't go stop meeting makers make it don't drink and go to meetings but you see what i what i don't really understand is that guy who drank because he stopped going to readings when he was three years sober he said i'm just never going to start going to movies and he stopped anyway it's like saying what i'm saying well, I'm not going to have a drink today. May you drink anyway. You know, it's just like pronouncements. I'm Not Going to Do This, I'M Not Going To Do That. You know people who say things like I'm Never Going to Drink Again or I'll Never Stop Going to Meetings are people that somehow believe they've acquired something called power. And you know, I have a book that tells me I'm powerless. It doesn't even tell me that now that I have 43 years I have power. It says I'm perilous. There's one who has all power and that one's God. says you know it says you may not know us but that doesn't matter your real reliance has to be on me he'll even show you how to create the fellowship you crave and so when you you know bill wilson wrote the big book you know this when he was five years sober i don't know anybody could write that book when they're five but it was i believe it was divinely inspired when he was 17 years sober he wrote the 12 and 12 pretty good right uh when he was five years sober and he wrote the big book it only six and seven were two paragraphs long two paragraphs when he was 17 years sober, and he wrote the Big Book and 12 and 12. They were like they each had a separate chapter because he had 17 years. He was at a different place in his life. He had realized something different when he 20 years sober he was popping LSD because he was depressed and was going down the tubes didn't drink though but drank you know he'd say well i had 22 years and i drank it you know you know and and and see a lot of guys like that in the program a lot friends of mine went that way you know they weren't feeling good after 15 20 years and and they went to a psychiatrist they said well i have no idea what's wrong with you but suck on these xanax and maybe that'll fix you up you know take this valium or whatever Whatever the drug is of the year that's going to save your life from alcoholism. And the truth of the matter is, is that alcoholism is, drinking is not the problem. Drinking is only a symptom. The real problem centers in your mind, not your body. And that's not even the real problem. That's not the real thing. That's the real question. The fact that you're fucking crazy isn't even the problem anymore. It really isn't. I had a guy call me up one day. I sponsored him. His name was Tommy. And he used to be, what happened was I was going for my PhD. Well, let me finish this story. I do that. It's like Pulp Fiction. You ever see Pulp fiction? They start in the middle of it. This ain't going to be for, you're going to have to work at this. Because I'm going to make some hard rights. Whoa, where the fuck did that come from? So here's the deal. So I'm in this logic class and this gal walks in and she's got legs up to here and she is a cheerleader and I knew what all alcoholics know and what they say to themselves when they wake up every morning. If only I could have that girl, everything would be perfect in my life because I'm an if-only-er and a yes-butter and you don't understand her and my whole life is if only I've had money. If I only had a new job, if I only have a new wife, a new girlfriend, if only, if only if i don't lose 50 pounds of all the vanity stuff if only if only i am trained to do the what if only it's an old idea that i'm not feeling at the top my game or i'm Not feeling good because I don't have this or I don t have that and then I do whatever I can to insinuate myself into your life manipulate you do something so I can get that shit and then i worry about losing that crap and I do it over and over and again because there's something in my brain that tells me that's the answer, and it never gets fucking good. The new car is good like for three months or four months or five months, whatever it is. Wife's good for five years, then you need a new one like a new car, you know? She starts talking back to you saying shit, you know, whatever she says. And you need the new model and all this stuff, which is what happened in my career. So I immediately, I was going for my Ph.D. in Algebraic Topology, going to be a professor and i mean he said if i only had that gal i'd be okay see that's alcoholism that's the real alcoholism that's that doesn't leave after you stop drinking that doesn' t leave when you stop drinkin you see that stays on for 20 25 30 years maybe even a little bit after that you know that's what's going to get you drinking again that's you don't know that that's alcoholism because you just think it's the way you are you said well that's just the way i am that's my personality yeah but your personality is killing you you don'T KNOW THAT YOUR ENTIRE BRAIN IS OUT TO GET YOU AND OUT TO KILL YOU BECAUSE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE THINKING THE WAY YOU THINK BECAUSYOU'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAY SO YOU SAID YOU FEel COMFORABLE SITTING IN THE BACKGROUND SAYING THIS GUY'S FULL OF SHIT YOU FEAL COMFORTABLE GOING THERE SAYING this guy doesn't know me and you feel comfortable just sort of like being critical and judgmental and not allowing no ideas to come in or anything like that and judging people. That's what you feel comfortable, and that's why you may be... You feel... The guy who says right now, who says... What did I just say? I said 70% of most of the people I speak to in rooms will be drunk within 20 years. Now there's a guy here who's saying, that guy's so full of shit. That's going to be the first guy who drinks. That's the first guys who drinks because he's an arrogant son of a bitch. And nobody knows that better than me because I am one arrogant son of a witch. I'm the smartest guy in the room. So I decided I wanted to have that gal. So I met her and I met that gal because she was going to change my life, you know what I mean? And if there's anything I want, it's I want to change my life so I'll be like a superstar. And having a good looking gal is like drinking. it's just like alcohol with legs you know what I mean I was sitting in a room an A room one day and I said to my sponsor look at that blonde in the front row and he said he said what did you used to drink I said I used to drank scotch he said well what kind of scotch I said J&B, Cheves, all that stuff top drawer stuff he said you see that blonde on the front room he says for you that's a bottle of J&V with legs And I looked at her and I said, what the? That's a bottle of J&B with legs. And all of a sudden I saw like a green bottle. I'd like to have saved my ass, quite frankly. I know a lot of guys go off on that. So I got to know her, and her father was a doctor and her mother was a lawyer, and her grandfather was a lawyer, and she came from a whole field of professionals. And all OF a sudden, I started thinking, you know, maybe I should be like a professional lawyer. And so I ditched everything I had been doing up to that time and I went to the medical school to apply for medical school and they said, well you know, you got all the physics chemistry, you know you got the math, you've got all that stuff I've taken all the post-graduate courses but you don't have any biology so if you go back for a year and you take all the biology courses then you could be a doctor while I'm an alcoholic I ain't fucking going back anywhere I want it now because when I want something I want in immediately you know that's why diets never work for me because i can't lose 100 pounds in a week you know what i mean it always takes time you know i hate that time thing i want it now i mean that's Why I love booze i'm an alcohol because no woman no car no amount of money ever quite as well and quite as fast as just a few drinks that's that's the deal with me see my real problem is i'm a nothing i'm nothing deep down inside i know i'm nothing. I want you to think I'm a something, but I'm a nothing. I've always been a nothing, I've already been a something. I've never always thought I was a nothing I always worried about you finding out I'm a nothing I used to put something in my body and it turned me into an almost when you're nothing, almost is top of the world I used to walk into the bar and worry about whether they'd like me whether the group would like me, I'd have a couple of drinks and I felt like I owned the group have a couple drinks you want to ask a girl to dance but what if she says no, you have a cup of drinks you go up and she says, do you want dances? No, I'm not going to dance with you you say, hey, you're lost sweetie it's like you're impervious you're laughing, you don't know what it's like so I got married to the gal and I insinuated myself into her life and I became division chief in the state attorney's office and trying murder cases, you know, for quite a few years. And then I got a nice house on Miami Beach on the golf course there, married this gal, had a child. And after five years, and I never cheated on my wife. Never cheated. Very proud of myself for that. Never cheated, you Know, even though I had opportunities and, You know, I wanted to and all that stuff. Now I would hang out at the bar looking at all the blondes, brunettes, and redheads, and it'd say things like, man, if only I could have that one. If only I could have now. If I only I can have that. If only I wasn't married. And I get home at like one or two o'clock in the morning while my wife was there with the baby she had been waiting dinner and stuff like that. And i did that to her for about five years. And apparently I'd made a mistake, the mistake of, and she was a sweet gal, I made the mistake of marrying somebody who had some self-esteem. And I should have gone to Al-Anon or something and picked one of those gals up, but, you know, codependent and stuff like that. Oh, stop it. Grow up, you Know What I Mean? Grow up. I told you this was going to be somewhat painful, you know? It's going to do you no good. It's got to be painful. I had a bunch of girls at one of my groups. I was doing the set chase once and a bunchofgals got together. These guys know about it after the fourth step and they voted me out. They had a meeting and all the girls shut up and they said you're canceled they canceled me it was it was the proudest moment of my fucking AA career you know because I had had four weeks I had been I had four weeks to pound on them you know what I mean and then what happened then I did a step series someplace else and they all came you know whatever crazy but that's how you learn about yourself you don't learn about yourself by somebody patting you on the back and telling you how wonderful you are You know, that's what we want. We want to be loved. We don't want anybody to hurt us and tell us the truth and kick our ass. God forbid. Unfortunately, my sponsors never read that part about the love. What is it? Love intolerance is our code. Never got the fucking code. Never got that code. So, you know, when you when you you know what they say about abused children, you become an abuser yourselves. So my wife one morning said to me, I didn't even tell the chicken on the roof story, which I started out. My wife and I have to get back to that. So mywife said tome one time, she said one Friday morning, I was all dressed up in my blue suit and my white shirt, pinstripes of my reds, you know, the uniform to go into the office. And she said she was like delivering the mail. She said, I just want you to know if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you. And it was like she didn't want to start five. was like she was like delivering the mail that's it i'm done come home drunk one more time living in i got my car drove three blocks and then i and i listen i'm not a stupid guy i graduated department of honors mathematics you know uh national foundation fellowship you know all sorts of stuff law school the whole bit and uh i'm uh i're sitting there and i drive three blocks and I go this is what she said, 12 words if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you I drive three blocks and I say this what the hell did she mean by that because I'm brilliant there's a line in the book that says unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences is sobriety will be precarious and if true happiness he'll find none at all and precarous sobriery leads to your drinking that's what leads to precariness and one of the consequences of being an alcoholic is when you hear something somebody tells you something or you read something that you don't like it confuses you it confizes you sometimes you hate it Sometimes you hate the person. You understand what I'm saying? Because you only want to hear things that make you feel good. You don't want to feel guilty. That's why people hate religion. That's Why People Hate God. A symptom of alcoholism is hating God, hating the concept of God. That's a symptom of alcoolism. If you hate God in my book or you hate religion, you're not sober. You may be physically sober, but you're not emotionally or spiritually sober because you're carrying a resentment. And because the big book says we lose all prejudice even against organized religion. And the whole book is about finding God. But the only thing that will stop you from that is your brain because you are crazy. It's like Tom Hedley said to me one day when I was sponsoring him. He was three months sober and he called me up and he said he was doing great. he i found him he was on a probation officer's floor he had his hair down to here and all this sort of down there and he uh and he went i took me to his first day meeting he just loved it he loved it got sober he cut his hair he was like the old tommy used to be my my um we were we prosecuted a bunch of cases together and stuff like that and uh he became he was just fantastic he took this like a tug takes the water and then one day i'm at a meeting i get a phone call from Tommy I said he said and he's like whispering to me he's saying he said Russell he says he says I have to leave AA and I said Tom Tommy what are you talking about he says I gotta leave AA I think I gotta lead I said what do you mean you gotta leave I said you love AA you love you've changed completely in three months you're you love it he says no he says listen to me it says I know I love it he sees but I think athletes I said why I see this is and he says quiet like he's whispering And he's saying, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I said, what do you mean you don't think you're an alcoholic? You're strung out on cocaine and alcohol. You were living on a guy's floor. You got to go to AA. You said you're not an alcoholic, you're feeling it. He says, I know, I knows. But I don'T think I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. I said wait, he says, listen, Russell, he says I think I might just be crazy. Because after three or four months, you wake up a couple times at 3 o'clock in the morning, you're not drinking but you know you're fucking crazy you know what I mean because you can't stop thinking about bad stuff about yourself and other people and I said Tommy he says what he says Tommy listen he says What he says Listen I said What I said You can be both laughter this guy was like a superstar at the University of Florida he was a top guy in the state attorney's office I said you could be a lawyer I said You could be both he said really i said absolutely she's oh shit thank god i mean this is a serious disease guys you know i mean so i married her so she said come on drunk one time leaving you i went i went to the bar i went through the bar and i had i i didn't forget you know I sat down at the bar i ordered my one drink a double scotch neat neat means no ice because i because i drank for the noble are getting bombed. I mean, you know, I went whack, you know, whack, because I was going to go. I didn't drink for the taste. I don't know how many scotch drinkers we have here, but you don't drink that shit for the taste. The first time you drink it, it's like gasoline, but it's an acquired taste. It's like me. I'm an acquired tastes. You know what I mean? You first hear me say, I hate that son of a bitch. And I say, let's go see him again. You know what I mean, go see that son of a bitch again. So in any event, so I whacked it down. It was 4.30. I'm only 15 minutes away from my house and so I had time to whack it and my best friend Doug comes up to me, puts his arm around me and I say, Doug, I can only stay for one drink. Ronnie tells me if I come home drunk one more time she's going to leave me. I can always stay for run drinks because she was serious. He puts his arms around me. He's one of my drinking buddies, one of our best friends He said, Russell, he says, she's never going to leave you. She's crazy about you. You're the greatest fucking guy in the world. You're fantastic. She loves you. She's never gonna leave you." I'm thinking, shit, that's what I'm thinkin'. That's what I'm thakin'. And then, uh... That's what I'M thinkin.' That's what I' m thinkin'... that's why I love these guys in the bar that's what I love a because they talk my language they think exactly they are so fucking wise not one guy came up to me and said Russell you know you're 27 years old you got a wife you got little baby at home what the fuck you doing in a bar 10 o'clock at night watch go home be with now one guy said that shit to me they all put their arms around me told me you're the greatest guy in the world, you know? The reason why most people drink and hey-hey, even the ones that say they believe in God, is because they're looking for a God like Doug. That's what the guy's name was, Doug. They're looking from a Doug God. A God that puts his arm around you and says it doesn't matter how bad you fuck up, he says, we love you. You're the great God. You're one of the greatest guys in the room. that's the sponsor you want that's God you want that guy will kill you because the real God it says we're undisciplined he disciplines you because a father disciplines people he spanks you don't make me feel guilty don't take my freaking inventory take your own inventory you got your program, I got my program that's alcoholism that's real alcoholism you know god disciplines i don't like people that make me feel good that's why i don' t like god i like the ten commandments i like that religion stuff you know it's like it makes me feel guilty they think they're right they tell me you know what i mean they lay down rules and stuff like that you know that's fine you know light came into the world but man ran away from life because their deeds were selfish and they were evil and they didn't want people remind them of it but we have a program i don t even know but the program says the way we grow up and get a new perspective is unbelievably painful repeated humiliations followed by the final question of our self-sufficiency some of you might have felt that when you if you ever hit bottom why all this insistence I felt that I've had godly sorrow you know what godly sorrows worldly sorrow is feeling sorry for yourself filled with self pity most alcoholics know what self-pity is. You don't get well off of self-pitty, you just want to blow your brains out, commit suicide, get self-destructive. Godly sorrow is different. It's sorrow that actually heals. It's when you don't feel sorry for yourself, you become ashamed for what you have become. And you're so ashamed that you'll get down on your knees and you'll listen and you will accept God into your life. That's called godly sorrow. The bottom line is that if you don't understand that this is a program about feeling shame this is a program about sometimes feeling guilty this is a program of sometimes feeling fear this is the program of some times linking up with sponsors saying you're full of shit why don't you shut the fuck up and start doing it and grow the hell up this is a program where I know you guys all want to have Doug for your sponsor the guy the person that makes you feel good all the time but sometimes you need a guy so what i got is i ended up getting a god like doug but with a fucking attitude with a bad bad attitude you know because if you want it because the problem is oh by the way yeah i did get drunk and that was the end of my marriage that was the end five-year marriage that wasn't she didn't leave me she kicked me out of the house so you know and i went to live with doug that's a poetic justice i know he says what do you do he says well ronnie kicked me out. He says, no, no. Call her up on the phone. He says no, I'm living with you. He wasn't so understanding back then. You know? And that's the deal. So I go to the homestead group. You thought I forgot that. So I got to the home state group and I do the worst meeting in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. The worst meeting. Nobody's laughing. You know, nobody cares about me and so I leave and I say I'm never going back. Now I signed on for 12 weeks but I ain't never going back yet. I'm already, because I'm an alcoholic, I'm excuse-aholic, you know. My mother died. I'm sorry. I've got cancer. I can't make it. And I'm not going back to these people, you know. Not that I give a shit what they do. You know? I'm, I am an alcoholic. All I do is tell myself every day I don't give a fuck. Ever say, ever say to anybody, you ever say to somebody, I don t give a **** what they think about me. care what they say. You ever tell yourself that? You ever say to yourself, I don't give a crap if they think about me. Usually say that. You know when you say that? After you've been thinking about what they might be thinking about me for about three hours. Then you start telling yourself because we're such liars. We bullshit ourselves. I wasn't going to go back but I knew I had to go backwards. I had this sponsor who beat into me some sort of brainwashing thing that if I didn't fulfill my response video I would drink and the only thing i had going for me quite frankly is i didn't want to drink if you don't want to drink you'd be surprised at the bullshit you do you end up doing you know and i so i went back and i was sitting there you know for whatever that step was it was going to be another worst meeting in the history of aa and before i started meeting some guy came up to me and he said you don'T know me he says my name's john he says yeah hi john he said i just want to tell you last week at that meeting i said yeah i remember the meeting he says you saved my life and i said i saved y'all he says yeah he said man i was going to kill myself my wife left me she took my kid i lost my job and i just stopped in i was gonna go actually drink and i stopped in the meeting and i was sitting in the back of the room you didn't see me he says but man when you said the chicken was on the roof the entire fucking program came together for me And I'm listening and this is, and I had never said chicken was on the roof. I had said there was like turkey on the, I said the turkey was in the, he got it all wrong. I mean, I knew what he was talking about because I was talking poultry at one point, you know what I mean? But I mean he didn't hear what I said but of course instead of saying no you got it wrong I took credit for it, you now. And that's, that was when I learned something that I didn't know before because I thought I was responsible for your sobriety and I realized that there's only one of us all power and that is God. And what happened was at that meeting, I did the worst meeting in the history of AA but it was the best meeting I could do that night, you know? And I said turkey in the basement and it floated across the room all the way to the back and that son of a bitch in the back there god knew exactly what he's supposed to hear and it went in his ears and when his ears it went in as chicken on the roof and it healed his heart you understand and that's when i realized that all i have to do is come here and do the best job i could do and everybody's good if there's 100 people there's a hundred different meetings and one guy will get the first step out of this and one girl get the third step and one guy will Get some other step and One Guy will get absolutely nothing at all because he's not even listening. He's just thinking about his bullshit, you know what I mean? And all I got to do is show up and do the best job I can do. So I got another, I'm just going to give you some stories. I'm not going to lay anything heavy on you. Well, I already have a little bit, but you know. I'll get heavy later on. I was 3 months sober and I was broke and I got married after 3 months. My sponsor said don't make any major moves. I didn't think it was a big deal. Now it's too late. It's 43 years, 8 grandkids. It is too late I can't get out of it, you know. And she scares the shit out of me. She's an Al-Anon or Ladies of Perpetual Revenge, you know. She knows how to do an Al Anon 10 step. When I'm wrong, she promptly admits it. Terrible. How would I know how to fix myself if it wasn't for my wife? If it wasn'T for her helping me out with this stuff. So I'm broke. I'm broken. and I have financial insecurity. You know there's a promise in the book and what the promise is, I'm just going to throw this out. I'm going to reel it in maybe around the last meeting or maybe next meeting and I'll reel it In. But you know there is a promise in the big book? You know what it says? It says you'll lose fear of people. Did you know there's promise saying you'll loose fear of peopl? What do you think of that? What would your life be like if you never worried about what people thought about you or what they were going to think about you? How would your life change if you honestly really didn't worry ever about what people... How would you share at meetings if you didn't worry about what the people thought of you? How would you talk to people if you did not worry about how people thought about you. How many people would you hang around that you don't hang around now if you didn't think about if you weren't so self-conscious how many people would you just break the relationship off and not hang around because they're toxic if you don't care what they thought about you how many times would you say if somebody asked you will you do me a favor how many time should you say no how many sounds did you say I don't know it depends what you asking? And they ask you, how many times did you say, no, I'm not going to do that? How many times, how would your life change? How would your language change if you didn't care about what other people thought about you? How many guys, how may you guys would like to get that promise? I'm going to tell you how to get it next week. Would you like that would you like that promise yeah well you're gonna get that promise if you if you stick on this thing you do what I tell you to do and you'll get it in about 15 years but you guys are probably sharper so you get it faster than me because it took me about 20 years 25 years to get that promised that's why I can talk like this that's how I can go to a meeting quote scripture that's why i can talk about the god of my understanding that's like jesus and all that stuff i can say stuff like that at any meetings i can tell about whatever i want to talk about today i don't worry what people think about me and uh one guy said man you you i heard you're a good speaker but you talk so much about you talk a lot about god i said yeah he says he said well i guess if people don't like it they'll stop inviting me to meetings but all they do is they keep on inviting me to do these conventions and shit you know because deep down inside they want to hear what the truth is they don't want to drink they want to be rocketed in the they don'T just want to BE IN THE NOT DRINKING CLUB they want TO BE ROCKETED IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION OF EXISTENCE experiencing much of heaven and knowing peace so I'll tell you a little secret it's embedded in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says we're on a new basis of trusting and relying upon on God. Anybody see that? It says we never apologize for our faith in God. You know, that's in the big book. Never apologize. You don't want those guys that say, don't worry about the God thing. You need to fucking worry about it. Okay. So you know those guys, you know, those guys said, say, no, those guys had say, Don't talk about the God saying you're killing newcomers. They're full of shit. You understand what I'm saying? They're, they're killing, they're killing newcomers okay so here's the deal it says we never apologize for god did you know in in aa when it started between 1935 and 1940 you couldn't go to a meeting unless you got down on your knees and gave your life to the lord did you Know That You Didn't Know That Did You Know You Didn'T Know That Yeah The Books They Found Absolutely Essential First Corinthians 13th Sermon on the Mount of the Book of James that's what you know doctor but you see that thing first things first you know what it means bob bob smith put that up there firstly you know it means seek you first the kingdom of god and his righteousness and all things to be added unto you now that's what it means you know job or no job wife you know like no alcohol so you can't unless he has the blonde back whatever it is the real reliance has to be on god it's all about god bill wilson said the lord has been so wonderful to me for me this terrible disease that i gotta keep talking about and telling other people here's the secret now it says we never apologize for god all men of faith have courage people that don't have faith are cowards a part of alcoholism is you're dealing with a bunch of cowards people who are scared that people will find out who they really are people who trying to act like they're better than they are people that are cowards not this group i can tell you guys are like a cut above you know what it says it says all men of faith have courage they trust their god instead they let him they let them demonstrate in their lives through their testimony what he can do for them at once he begins to outgrow fear men of courage proclaim god they don't censor themselves they talk about what god has done for them they don'T say like hp or the big banana or something like that you know why you know why because they're not ashamed of the fact that they believe in god because that's what this program is all about you understand now let me give you a little hint I want you to put this together because you guys are pretty bright if you're in a meeting where God is all over the big book and you're at a meeting that God is alloverthewalls and youre in ameeting where its all about God and in an AA meeting your scared to talk about God cause your worried about what somebody is gonna think about you some guy who's sitting next to you who isn't even paying your fucking visa bill you know what I mean if you censor yourself and you're worried about talking about that stuff you understand don't ever expect to get that promise you'll lose fear of people in economic insecurity because there's a connection there the minute you start proclaiming god and stop worrying about what people think about you and you claim god it's right around that time where you'll stop worrying about what anybody thinks about you you can't have it both ways you know he's either the central fact you know it says the great fact is this nothing less god is the center fact of our lives central fact we're convinced that he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is deep miraculous doing for us what we can't do for ourselves you get that down you'll never have any problems worrying about what people think about you so i'm going to end it right now with this last story oh shit i gave away the deal you know what i mean but you heard it but you may not have even heard it doesn't matter here's the deal here so i'm worried about the money thing so i go up to my sponsor bob sullivan i i'm not gonna i'm i'm dying i'm worrying about the money you know how it's projected what's going to happen everything and what what it's not even the money think what it really is what do people think about me if i lose my house i'm not worried about losing the house i'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT DO PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME IF I LOSE What do they think about me if I lose my car? What do people think about you? What do you think about me? You know, if I'm, if I, if I brought, what do people think if they don't know I don't have money? It's always about what are people going to think about that fear of people just kill your ass and have you running all over the place and that kind of stuff. That's the real disease. You know what I mean? I gained five pounds. What do people think about me? You know if I can't buy clothes it's just runs your life. The lust for the things of this world the addiction to the crap in this world and uh well this is this way to fix that by the way did you know that this way that's what this new freedom and the new happiness is all about and the rocket ship ride to the fourth dimension i'll tell you about that another meeting but not this week so i go up so i i go off to bob sullivan my sponsor and he says and and i and i say look because i i figure I'll tell him he's my sponsor and maybe he'll give me like a thousand bucks or something you know I was mistaken but in any way so I went out I went up to him and I said uh listen Bob I don't have any I don'T have any money I said I need uh you know whatever and I told him the whole story and he said I can fix that I said he said yeah I got no problem I can fixed that he says no but think they're gonna you know what evict me and he says I can fix that I said really says yeah absolutely he says he says so how are we gonna figure he says I think it's about time you started making coffee for the group and I'm thinking that maybe I didn't really explain myself maybe didn't quite understand what was going on here and I mean a is great to mind you, but I'm talking like money. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm talking about real, you know, it's not important. It's just right up there with oxygen. And he said, no, no. And then here's what happened. He walked me over to the coffee pot. I didn't think it was a major deal, but the biggest deal in the world is when I followed him to the Coffee Pot. Why did I follow him to Coffee Pot? Because even at that time, the one thing that I didn't want to do is I didn'T want to drink. I DIDN'T want a drink. And I had somehow connected my not drinking for three or four months at that time with bob sullivan and my relationship with bob sulliman and so he would tell me things that would hurt my feelings or i think was crazy but i would do him anyway does that make any sense it doesn't make any sense you know a self-respecting alcoholic was saying go screw yourself i need another sponsor my sponsor is nuts you know so i went over there and he showed me how to make the coffee and set up the chairs everything and the next day i was supposed to go to the meeting but i didn't want to go because i didn' t want to make because no money had come in But I had to go because I had to make the flippin' coffee. Because what would they think about me if I didn't show up? It's like spiritual jujitsu, you know what I mean? They turned the one thing that was the one defect that I had that drove me crazy and that defect forced me to go to the damn meeting to make The Coffee because I didnít want them to think I was full of shit. So I went there make the coffee i made the coffee for about three months for three months and the money came in and everything was okay and some guy comes up he says he says i'll make the coffee i said i'm a coffee maker who the hell appointed you you son of a don't take my job you know i'm the coffee maker here i made coffee for that group for 18 months i finally said i gotta get out of making the coffee nobody would volunteer he said russell they're alcoholics they're not gonna volunteer just tell them you're not making the copy next week some of those stand up for the job okay well i'll see you guys next week