Russell S. Discussing the Fourth Dimension and Emotional Sobriety in the Text

I have no idea what this is. Oh yeah, I think it is. I'll let you check it out. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since January 17th, 1981. For that, I'm very grateful to God. God I found through well, I want to say a God I found through Alcoholics Anonymous, but I actually suspect he probably found me. He probably wasn't misplaced, actually. He probably knew where I was all along, you know. The God of my understanding, you know, the big book, I found it through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It says being all-powerful. So I guess an all- powerful God probably doesn't lose track of his children, so he probably knew. He was just letting me do my thing because I was rebellious. I was disobedient. So he let me do the job. He let me deal my deal. You know, he just let me off the leash. It's hard for... Boy, you've got to have a tremendous amount of love and faith to let a child off the lease. You know I've got... I've been sober 27 years and married for that long. My sponsor told me, he said don't make any major decisions in your first year. So when I was three months sober, I got married. I didn't think it was a major deal. But I still think it Was probably a good thing because it prevented me from being actually single in Alcoholics Anonymous. Instead of learning how to be single in alcoholics anonymous, I had to learn how to Be married in alcoholic synonymous. A whole different deal. But it really is good to be here. I'm going to try to follow the script, although I don't know. I'll probably wander off the reservation a little bit. I'll do the best I can. And I'm going to read a lot. We're going to talk about the steps, and I'm gonna somewhere hover around them middle steps. You know, they say five through eight instead of, well, I didn't really cover four, so maybe four through nine. It's going to be close enough for government work. You know what I mean? It's just an AA meeting. Nobody's going drink. Nobody needs to get upset about anything. I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to say, I'm only going to write a lot from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That way, no matter what I say, you'll actually get something out of this. You understand? Because this is pure AA, And I want to stay close to the script. The longer I'm sober, the more I am absolutely convinced that the answers are in the big book about false anonymous. Now, I've got to tell you something. I have a little bit of it. I've Got to Tell You, I'm really a nice guy. I think. I don't know. Don't talk to my sponsees about that. But I do have a Little Bit of an Edge to me. You know, I am a little controversial. I try to control myself, but I always manage to escape and say something or do something to piss somebody off. I actually hope that happens today because it's been my experience that the only time I ever learned anything was from people that pissed me off. It sort of seems that in a fellowship where you have to develop new ideas and get rid of old ideas, that somewhere along the way, if you're really going to grow on this thing, you're going to be confronted by somebody who's going to tell you something that you don't want to hear. It'd be sort of like a shame if that only happened during the first few months or the first year. The older I get, the more I realize that probably the biggest problem with growing up in Alcoholics Anonymous is when we stop growing up. Because what it says in the sixth step... See, I jump around. This is going to be like Pulp Fiction. Anybody ever see Pulp fiction? They start in the middle, it goes to the end. You're going to have to do a little work in following this one up. They say in the fifth step, they say what we do in Alcoholic Anonymous as alcoholics is we want to settle. We want to settle for only as much sobriety that will keep us comfortable. So we just sort of say, well, I'm not drinking. I'm making a few bucks. I got a wife and this. You know, get off my back. I'm okay. We don't want to shoot for perfection. And that perfection is the perfection of God. We don'T want to do that deal. As a matter of fact, we sort of don't like people that talk to us about that stuff, you know? And I want to talk to you a little bit about growing up in emotional sobriete, which is something I really like to talk about. I'm going to read something from A. What I like to do is talk about the big book, read the big book and then I want to tell you some personal experiences. I think experiences are very important Some true stories I think I told this it's not so much a joke but it's a little something my sponsor used to say. He used to said Russell when a man with experience meets a man without money the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man without the money will have walked away with an experience We're alcoholics so a guy with one day has an opinion about something You know, and I had a lot of them. You know I used to be of the opinion that I needed to drink in order to live. Anybody ever have that opinion? You know when you have that thing you say you can't envision life without drinking. Everybody drinks and all. That used to my opinion. One day I had that opinion. That I would never be able to stop drinking. You know that I would NEVER be able stop drinking and that I couldn't envision a life without drinking and the next day I was of the opnion that I could live life without drinking. Happened like in one day. I went from one side, did you know it says ideas, emotions, and attitudes which are the driving force of these men's lives are suddenly cast to one side and they become dominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotions, attitudes. When I was very young, I read a book called The Magus and it was a quote by T.S. Eliot. It said we will not cease our exploration in the end when we're done with all our exploring, we'll come back to the place we began having known the place for the first time. You know, I'm 59 years old. I've been sober 27 years. I can't talk like I have 27 days. I really can't. I can be like I had 27 days or 27 months or 27 weeks. I can not be like am 24 or 30 years old. I can only be 15. I can ony be what I am right now. You know, the only thing I pray for besides to glorify God, you know, and to give him the gift of what I have received, the one thing I prayed for is that I am honest. And that I just put the stuff that I talk about things that I, I just don't want to be an entertainer. There is nothing wrong with entertaining. I think it's great when we laugh and everything like that, but I don't want to do what I've done all my life, and that is worry what people will think about me and therefore sort of water down the message. So what I'm going to do is I'm sort of, you know, talk from my heart about my life and how this thing has worked for me. And Bill Wilson said ideas, emotions, and attitudes and behavior that are quite appropriate for a teenager of 17, 18, and 19 years old is totally inappropriate for a man of 40, 50, or 60 years old. And I sponsor a lot of men. And I sponsored a lot of men because they asked me and I said yes and I'm available. A guy named Johnny Harris, 23 years ago told me when I asked him for his telephone number he said because I was sure it was unlisted he said my number's not unlisted you can find it in the book. I said your number's on the list? He says Russell, I don't know what fellowship you're in. It seems everybody who ever talked to me, all my mentors, whenever they talked to me, they always gave me a shot first. I'm just like one of those know-it-all guys that in order for me to get something, I got to get slapped first. I'm not saying everybody's like that. You know, hey, it's like a giant toolbox, right? There's a wrench to fit every nut that walks through the door and I may not be your wrench but I'm still going to get a shot. I'm always just one of these guys that whenever I learn something, they always hit me first in the solar plexus. They always give me a little nudge, a little sarcasm. I'm just one of those alcoholics I got it first by being slapped down by being humbleized or something well they say that in the 12 and 12 how we get a new perspective what was 100 forms of humiliation the final question of our self-sufficiency so these are the things I want to talk about I'll start off by reading something but you know I think growing up in AA is an interesting thing And what does it say in the 12 and 12 lesson? Until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety will be precarious. And of true happiness he'll find none at all. And then later on in the big book, you know, it talks about why people drink. It says here and there, here and every once in a while, a young guy says, feel better, look better, having a better time. You know, I'm working better. He says we laugh at such salad. We always think they're talking about somebody who's got like three months or four months or something. Feel better, look better, having a better time. We laugh at such Sally. We know that he will soon try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll be at the jumping off. You know, that mindset, feel better, looks better, have a better times, don't worry about me. I've got it all under control. I'm self-reliant. that sort of mindset works perfectly well for somebody who has 14 years or 20 years because he speaks a certain sort of attitude about who you are, what you are who you depend upon and what your relationship is with God and if there's one word I want anybody to remember through this entire series if there is only one word the word I wants you to remember is relationship you know listen I have my opinion about things I could be wrong I want to just tell you something Of course I don't think so I'm going to do the best I can To tell you what I believe Next year when you have a cruise And Snow asks you to do this deal You tell him what you believe And I believe this whole program Is about developing a relationship with God And then finally get into the 11th step And then the only thing after the 11st step Is get more faith And more relationship And then in the 12th step You know what we do? We tell other people about that That's what we tell other People It's all about a relationship. And you know why I believe that? Because that's what my big book says. I think what happens is like human beings, I'm a lawyer and I've read a lot and I study a lot and all this sort of stuff. I think as human beings and you can be very lazy on this stuff. I'm an easy guy. I mean, I'm lazy. I'm slothful. If I can get by doing little work or get by during a lot of work, I'm going to do the little work. I'm the guy who studies like the last minute and all that sort of thing. I think when I was a day who gets sober pretty easily and we get the monkey off our back pretty fast and good things start happening to us and then there's a lot of people that we hear different things in AA, good things not bad things acceptance is the answer to all our problems, good orderly direction different little quib words and we develop this language this lingo, this vocabulary that's AA so that we can get by in any meeting anywhere in the United States and don't know we're in alcoholics and odds because we'll say the words turning it over and stuff like that and we got to a point where we know enough words we know enough language and we read the book fast enough and everything like that we feel pretty comfortable where we're at we're picking up those medallions and we actually think we're working the program of alcohol synonyms so we're not even close because it's a big book it's not a small book and we're looking off the small book and we don't see the tough things because you know the tough ones are easy to avoid I read I think the last time I was here one of the invisible lines that nobody ever talks about in alcohol synonymous there's a lot of invisible lines and the people don't talk because it's like my alcohol theory which I think is really part of the big book where it talks about our delusional thinking alcoholic is delusinal though he usually doesn't think so and I have an alcoholic theory that whenever an alcoholic hears something he doesn't like or is told something he doesn' t like or reads something he does'nt like it confuses him so he ignores it so there's a lot of stuff about God and how we're supposed to act and what we're suppose to do and what's suppose to happen that's in the big books that we sort of slop over and say well that's your problem but it's not my problem But it's not my program. It's not your program. It's their program. There's all sorts of different programs. And the way I see the big book, and I'm saying nobody does it in lockstep exactly the same, but essentially the big books is the big box. It's what it is. It's our basic text. It says rarely have we seen a person who has thoroughly followed our path. Who's thoroughly followed OUR path. So I think it's a good idea to know what their path is. We have an interesting fellowship here. You know, I'm going to say some things that are going to set people on edge, but that's okay because one of the best things you can do one ofthe best things I can do for anybody is piss people off first of all when you piss people off it tells you a lot about them when somebody gets angry or gets upset in alcoholics and non-alcoholics I don't care how long they're sober it tells me a lot and if they're sober and they want to stay sober they'll sort of think about that and maybe they'll learn something about themselves I know my growing up in alcohol is all about older members of alcoholics and non alcoholics pissing me off and me getting mad and saying stuff to me that they should have never said to me and my having to deal with that because you know how alcoholics are if somebody pisses you off you live with that for like 10 years you know and it gets horrible and you're thinking about them they're living rent free in your head and they don't even care they've moved on you know and you know why alcoholics say things to piss you off why alcoholics say things because they love you because they don' t want to lie so they just tell you the truth and they say something that drives you crazy because it's so unfair you know Okay, these last This is from page 266 I promised Susan I would mention the page 266 These last 18 years And this is from the story He sold himself Short I want to start off with this Because I want us to start At a certain place You know, I'm going to tell you something I'm reading a lot of stuff From this book I'm hoping you'll see a pattern I'm like to deal with Stuff like they say The great fact is this and nothing less you know what i mean i like to deal with like the stuff where there's no beating around the bush they mean what they say we never apologize for i mean where they're serious you know what I mean I like to do with that stuff you know this these last 18 years have been the happiest of my life tried though that statement may seem 15 of those years I would not have enjoyed had I continued drinking doctors told me before I stopped that I had only three years at the outside to live this latest part of my wife's had a purpose not in the great things accomplished but in daily living. Courage to face each day has replaced the fears and uncertainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are has replaced the old impatience chomping at the bit to conquer the world. I have stopped tilting at windmills and instead have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks unimportant themselves for tasks that are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt, and pity were once shown me I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances all of whom were fair-weather friends I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am. And over my AA years, I've made many real, honest, sincere friendships that I shall always cherish. Now here we go. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods isn't great. You ever go to AA meetings where they're talking about stuff? What's that? Like about every AA meeting you ever go there? Do you ever go to any meeting where they talk about people? Ever been in any meeting Where there's discussions about people My mother, my father, my son, my daughter You ever go into meetings Where they're talking about stuff and people You know what the big book says about that I'm just talking about the big books Forget about me I don't even want you to listen to me Because I'll get it all wrong You know how the big box talks about that When it's dealing with newcomers It says an interesting thing Let me try to find it while I interrupt myself I do stuff like this The real trick is to see whether I ever get back It's sort of like dramatic This is what the big book says about that And working with others It says If I can find working with Others here I know it's right here here it is this is what it says let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back this just isn't so in some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people you know Bill Wilson said that after we get rid of the drinking it's all about unhealthy dependencies and this says it's not dependent upon people you know what it's dependent upon it's depending upon your relationship with God how many A meetings do you go to where they're talking about people how many A meetings you go do where they talk about things or stuff how many meetings do they go do when they talk about and they just focus on your relationship with God what happens in A meaning when he starts bringing up God or the Bible, or religion how many people do A means to go to where they talk about organized religion how many A means do you go to where people are putting down organized religion do you know in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says we don't do that it says this is what it says I mean I'm just talking about if you're going to work actually at the program of Alcoholic Anonymous instead of pandering to your next door neighbor because you're worried about what you think about it, if you work in the program it says we begin to see he says we lose intolerance even of organized religion he said we begin to see where they're right they've developed a way of living that's better than our way of life the only chapter that's written to the non-believers is the chapter of the agnostics and that chapter says this sort of thinking has to be abandoned you need to get over it above all I have gained the greatest thing accorded to any man the love and understanding of a gracious God the greatest thing accorded to any well of course this doesn't count it's not in the first 164 pages but you know I'm thinking maybe there's a pattern here maybe it isn't so far from what's in the 1st 164 pages maybe the 1ST 164 is all about him you know he's the one who's going to show you how to create the fellowship you crave see that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. We soon see that he is doing for us what we could not do for himself. Maybe this really is about him. Maybe it's not about me. Above all, I've gained the greatest thing according to any man, the love and understanding of a gracious God who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrap heap to a position of trust where I have been able to reap the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can. I was so happy to be here, to hear Angie talk and give her message. Of course, the only thing I heard that Angie said was she talked about how she was lost and she was found. She talked about him. That's the only things I heard. But I know you guys heard a lot of other stuff. It was funny and it was tearful and it wasn't. It was wonderful, but I just heard about it. That's all I heard about because that's what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is about. That's what every step is about in here. every single step is designed to push you towards him and take away the obstacles that blocks out the sunshine of the spirit it's not about psychological stuff, you did the psychiatrist thing you did all that stuff, didn't work by the way it didn't worked at least it didn'T work for me so I was at a meeting when I was 3 months sober I'll tell you a couple stories before I launch into this I was out of me when Iwas 3 months sober and three or two months sober and some guy got up i think ray mentioned this the other day this this part of the and he got up he said my name's joe and i'm a recovered alcoholic and uh you know i've been in alcoholics three months so i pretty much knew the deal i knew that you never cured i know that we're recovering alcohol because everybody in aa was saying i'm recovering alcoholic everybody had heard said i'm recovering alcohol as much to this day everybody He says they're a recovering alcoholic. So this guy said something different. So I immediately disliked him. No, because I knew being an alcoholic and being shocked that, number one, he was wrong. I knew he wasn't recovering because you couldn't be cured. And the way I took it, and maybe you'll understand this, because I know that most alcoholics, you know, I say things like most alcoholists, I know if you're in the audience and you're saying, well, that's not me, you're probably the exception to the rule. But most of the alcoholics, you know, in the 27 years I've been around, I know most alcoholics suffer from self-esteem issues. So I know whenever I'm talking to a group, there's like 15% of groups saying, who the hell does he think he is? I'm already starting off in the valley, working my way up. Because I know we're a defiant lot. And, you Know, most people are like open-minded. You know, you walk in and they start talking to me. This guy has something to say. And I know when you were with alcoholics you got like 15 to 20% of people that would say, screw this guy. You know what I mean? I don't even like him. I don' t even like his shirt. What does he thinks he is. He thinks he's better than me. I should be up there telling him what to do. I got so many years. I know I'm already starting off behind the eight ball because that's the nature of the deal. You understand what I'm saying? And I accept that thing. That's okay. So I'm sitting there with this guy, and he says, I'm a recovered alcoholic. And, you know, what I'M thinking is he's saying he's cured. He's saying HE'S BETTER THAN ME. I'M RECOVERING. I'M TRYING TO STRUGGLE WITH THIS THING. WHAT? HE'S SO GOOD. And so, and all I'm thinking throughout the entire meeting is, you know, look at this son of a gun. He's telling them the wrong information. He's saying he's recovered. There are new people here. They're going to go the wrong way. They don't think it's secure. Somebody ought to call New York, you now, blah, blah. You know, I'll rape his mother, kill his wife, you known, burn him in Ephesus. You know? You're laughing. You don't know what it's like. But, I mean, I was, you knows, I didn't have to go outside to get out. I didn' t have to got to AA, you known, and tell them about my resentments. I got resentments at the meeting. You known what I mean? It's no question about that, you kown. If you were talking, I was resenting you. And so after the meeting, I went up to my sponsor. He said, well, how was the talker? I mean, the speaker here said he was terrible. It was horrible. He says, you know what he said? He said he's a recovered alcoholic. My sponsor says, well you are. So what do you mean I am? He says you're a recovered alcoholic. You've recovered. He says what do I mean I've recovered? He says have you read the big book? Of course I had read it. You know what that means. I had reddit. I had Reddit like we all read it, which means I maybe grasped like 1% of it, you know. He said, look at the forward. We have alcoholics anonymous of 100 men and women who have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. You ever have this deal where, you wake up in the morning and say, I'm not going to drink today. And then by 5 o'clock, 4 o' clock in the afternoon, you're drinking. And so you wakeup the next morning and say well, I am not going go to the bar today and by 4 o clock in afternoon, your in the bar. You wakeup next day, well, am not gonna buy booze today and by four o'clock in the evening you are scraping for dime stickles and quarters in order to get up $2.89 you can get down to Winn-Dixie and buy a gallon bottle of Colos Rossi Chianti and you do it over and over and over and Over and Over and Over again until you finally say, I'm going to die drunk I ain't never going to be able to stop drinking because I can't stop drinking and you wish you were dead but you're scared of dying you ever do that deal? I want to be dead I want the stop and breathing part that bothers me, you know what I mean? And so my sponsor said to me, he said you've recovered. You know, everybody in here has recovered from that hopeless state of mind in the body. I know what that hopeless State of Mind in the Body is when you can't stop drinking. Hey listen, I don't care. Everybody in AA has recovered form that hopeless Stay of Mind In The Body. Every single person has recovered from that hopeless state of mind and body. Listen, I don't care whether you're worried about your romance. I don'T care if you're Worried about your finances. I DON'T care If you're sucking your thumb. I DONT care if You're full of self-pity. It AIN'T NOTHING compared to the I CAN'T STOP DRINKING deal. That's a hopeless state Of mind and Body. When you have to get through a helpless state Of Mind and Body, You just get pitiful. There's a difference between pitiful or pathetic or a thumb-sucking crybaby and hopeless state. I know what a hopeless state of mind and body sounds like. It sounds like, I need a drink. And then I get one, and I can't stop. And everybody I know now, I've recovered from that. You know, I may have all sorts of crazy problems, but I'll tell you, the God of my understanding has recovered me from that hopeless state of mind to body. Boy, just imagine how much I'd have to tell you If I had actually listened to the rest of that guy's story. Because I tuned him out five seconds after he said that. And I didn't hear another word he said because I was pissed off. Because I didn' t like what he said. That's what stops alcoholics from getting information. Because we're so undisciplined in our mind, we're full of hate and sickness and bile that if somebody just says one thing, it gets us off on some rabbit trail. Well, they're lucky that anybody stays sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. So in any event, I'm down at the doing the steps when I was about three years sober down at The Homestead Group. And what I'm trying to share with you now are some aspects of this thing I've learned over the years until I launch into my expose of AlcoholicsAnonymous. So I'm done at The HomeStead Group of Alcoholic Anonymous and I'm doing the fourth step. and that was about three years sober and I started doing the steps at that time and it was a group sort of like this and I'm pontificating to do whatever I'm doing I'm trying to do the best job I can this was before I realized what the 12 step was all about see, I thought what the12step said was that we carried the message and that's not what it says at all and when you think the 12th step is about carrying the message you get into all sorts of trouble and it's a real scary deal I really thought that's what the 4th step I mean the 12st step was about about carryingthe message And, you know, if you've got to carry the message, then you've Got to Carry the Message. That means you've GOT to like me tonight, I've GOT TO be good, you can't drink afterwards or else it's my fault, and I've Got To say, you're not, it's a bad deal. I didn't realize there was a word we try in there. I didn' t realize about the try because I thought it was up to me. I thought I had something to do with it. You know, you can understand why that happens. I'm here, you' re there, I'm talking. So I actually think that what I say makes any difference whatsoever when it actually, it' s all a God thing anyway. But I didn''t know that until I experienced the deal. Because until you go through the experiences of life, it doesn't make any sense because there's no application to it. It's just theory. So what happens is if you really think that you have to carry the message, then you get nervous before meetings. What am I going to say and all that sort of stuff because you think it's really important. And you see when the deal is, all I have to do is do the best job I can do tonight. So I did a horrible four-step meeting. It was horrible. It was hard. I mean, it was the worst four-step meeting in the history of alcohol synopsis. I know it was because nobody laughed and nobody was looking and nobody wasn't employed. I knew it was terrible. I knewit was horrible. And, you know, I wasn't carrying the message and they weren't getting it. And,you know,I left and I boogied out of there. And,You know,in Florida,I know this is a different other place,but in Florida we have step speakers. And we have people that do step meetings. You commit,it's a commitment. You commit for 12 weeks,you come and you do step one,step two,step three. And I do that, you know, except I'm like all over. I do step 12 and I'm supposed to be doing step one. You're probably getting the picture of this deal, you know, saying what's he talking about? But this is sort of like what but somehow in the end of the 12 steps, I managed to cover all of them. As a matter of fact, the truth is, if you know anything about the steps, I used to do them in very discreet sort of like this is step one and this is step two and this step three. But I got things from the older I get in AA. I know we got a lot of old timers in here. Does it ever get seen this way to you? But after you got a few years, it used to be, you say things like, oh, I just did a step 10. Oh, I did. But that's just step four. Oh, I just did a step three. Oh, that must be a step eight. But you know, the older you get, it's become such a part of it. The whole thing gets sort of like mushed up. And it's like, you don't even know what it's done. It's just like, it's just life. It's like you're living life and you're doing stuff and you know you can't go from, you can' t go from your bed to the toilet without doing all 12 of them. You know what I mean? It's jus, it's jus the way you live your life and how you operate and how think and what you do and it could be step eight but it could also be step three it doesn't even make any so none of that well anyway what was I talking about so in any event so I left that place and I I said to myself I said I ain't going back there they don't like me now of course I knew I was going back there because you know my sponsor used to say whenever you make an excuse for not going to any meeting you're sticking maybe it's okay to drink and I knew I was coming back because no matter how scared I was about doing anything in alcohol silence I was more scared to drink and I bought into this crap, you know, that like you did this stuff or else you'd drown. I mean, I actually bought into this crap that unless you got a sponsor, unless you did the stuff, unless you did this, I'm not saying they did it perfectly, but I bought into the bullshit. I bought into the bullshit that if you didn't do this stuff, you might drink, and I was so scared of drinking, that's what kept me coming back. So, yeah, I was being pissed off and quitting AA every other day, but I didn't want to drink, you know? And, you know, I'll tell you, you can be dumb, you can be stupid, you can be crazy. You can be defiant that not, if you don't want to drink in a real bad way that can save your ass and alcohol. It's amazing what not wanting to drink will do for you an alcoholic synopsis. That's all you need. You don't need brains. You just need the, I don't wanna drink deal. And I just got to a point in a place God allowed me to get where I just didn't want a drink. So I was willing to be humiliated. I was willing to go back and say, I'm sorry. I wasn't willing to, to, you know, be guilty of stuff I wasn'T guilty of anything just because I didn't wanna, because anything was better So I'm right away, I'm saying, but you know, it doesn't stop you from thinking. You know, which is a whole other deal. If you want to stop that thinking stuff, that's a whole different deal. We'll talk about that in a second. But because that will get you in trouble. That's an old idea that you've got to think. Isn't that an old ideal? You know when they handled that and said we've got stop playing God. You know it says here's the how and why, but we've gotta stop playing god. You know the way we play god is we think. We think thinking is important. When I need to go to the bathroom, I go to bathroom. when I'm hungry I eat when I am tired I sleep that's pretty much all I need to know everything else is on a need to know basis you know I used to think and solve a lot of problems I didn't realize the scope of my powerlessness you know how powerless you are it's all illusionary you know there is nobody in here who knows they are going to make it out of this room tonight alive I could go have a heart attack right now in front of me I mean I hope it doesn't happen but it could happen like that just ask John Lennon or JFK just ask the guy who was on the top floor of the World Trade Center, sipping a cup of coffee, thinking about his billions of dollars and how great things are going right before the first plane hit. You know, your life is held in it. It's like we plan and we connive and we try to control, we try to be self-sufficient and manage our own lives and then all of a sudden something happens and knocks the crap out of us and all of the sudden we realize how close we are to not having anything because it's all about him. Until you finally accept the exact precarious position you're in, that you have no control, and you have no power. You have absolutely nothing. But I guess if you have faith that there's a loving God and he's going to protect you, you can live in that deal anyway. But it's got to be scary if you don't have that deal going on. Right? But Trinkin will help that. So what was I talking about? So in any event, I was going from that car, that homestead group, and I'm saying, I'm not going back there. They hated me. They didn't like me and everything. But of course I went back. So I go back the next week to do the fifth step. So I'm standing there, and before the meeting starts, some young guy comes up to me, and he said, can I talk to you for a second? I said, sure. He says, my name is Joe. I said to Joe, my names Russell. He says yeah, I was here last week. He says I just want to tell you, you saved my life. I said I'm sorry what? He says you saved m y life. I said i was fixing on drinking, i was fixin on killing myself, i've been trying this thing, nothing made any sense. Everything was screwed up, this was going to be the last day of the meeting i went to. and I just went here. I don't even know why I went there because I knew this thing wasn't going to work and I was different and I want to tell you something. I was sitting in the back of the row. You didn't see me, but I wantto tell you some. When you said the chicken was on the roof, everything came together for me. Now here's the key. Now, now I'm like digging this, you know what I mean? Because you know, if anybody's ever spoken to help people, you like when people say you saved my life, You know, give it your purpose. But I'm thinking to myself, I never said the chicken was on the roof. Now, I knew what he was talking about because I was talking a little poultry there. You know what I mean? There was some poultry in the talk. But I had said, he got it all wrong. He got it All wrong. I had sent the turkey was in the basement. He had mixed the whole thing up. But of course, at three years sober, I was like smart enough then not to touch it. I took credit for it. I said, oh yeah, chicken on the Roof thing. I'm always saying that stuff You know what I mean That's me the old chicken on the roof guy But you see That's the deal You see here I am Doing the worst AA meeting I've ever done in my life Just known as the worst AAA meeting But doing the best job I could that night Right And I say something I say turkey in the basement and it floats across that room there's some guy in the back of the room he's dying he hates AA nothing's working for him and he walks into an A room thinking just with a molecule of hope, maybe this guy maybe this meeting maybe this deal and he sits back there and turkey in the basement is floating across that deal and it goes into his ears turkey on the basement and God knows that the piece that's missing from this guy's heart is chicken on the roof and God does what God does best and turns turkey in the basement to chicken on the roof, he's healed and I get the credit you know I guess Ebi Thatcher when he left Bill Wilson that day still drinking, probably thought boy this was a waste of time and everybody in here is sober because of that 12 step call and by the way that was when they didn't have the big book, when Ebi was just reading the bible, you know that bible thing that everybody gets pissed off at when you quote it or talk about an AA, because we're such AAs that we don't even know what this program's about because we are closed minded and we're intolerant and that's our nature Alcoholics Anonymous you know, interesting Well people's anonymous, that's for sure So there's a doctor this is a true story Then I'm going to get into the book My final true story This is a truth story That doesn't involve me but it does involve me It involves you, it involves everybody It's AlcoholicsAnonymous What the heck. So in Palm Beach County, about a year and a half ago, maybe two years ago, there was a doctor, and what he was doing is he was giving out chemotherapy medication. You know, the medication they give out for chemotherapy? What do you call chemotherapy medication? I actually had cancer, but I had the radiation treatment. What did he call that? Chemo drugs? What do they call them? Chemo. Okay. Thank you for that. You know? And what happens is they didn't realize that he was watering down the drugs. And so hundreds of people were getting watered down. Now, apparently, the way chemo works is it'll work, but you've got to get a certain amount at a certain dosage over a certain period of time, and it'll worker. If you don't get it at the exact time of dosage, you die. So people were dying all over the place. And apparently he did this because the motivation was money. He was making money. I'm making a lot of money. And so people died. And so they indicted him for manslaughter or whatever the heck they indited him for. And, you know, I was thinking, I said, you see, that's the one thing I don't want to do. I don'T want to hand you out the watered-down stuff. You know, in AA, we don't do it for money. We handle it out of the water-downed stuff because we want people to like us. Because, you now, part of the consequences when it says, unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety will be precarious and true happiness will find none at all. Part of the consequences of being an alcoholic is that you're an acceptaholic. You will do anything to be accepted. That's why alcoholics say things like, what do I say if they ask me to have a drink? And they need to know, you know. My sponsor, I said to my sponsor, what would I say when they ask you to have the drink? He said, listen, Russell, this is what you say. You say, no, thank you. And I said, what does he mean? You know, I had to have a cover story because I would rather drink and kill myself and kill my wife and family than risk the fact that you might be displeased with me. And when you're dealing with a personality that will sell his life, prostitute himself, sell his kids, prostitude every single virtue he thinks he has is the ultimate of hypocrites just because the worst thing that can happen to him is some stranger may not like him when you're dealing with that kind of person, which is, by the way, what I am. That's just part of my alcoholism. Let me tell you something. You can get rid of the booze. If you don't get rid OF that, you'll never be happy because nobody will ever know who you are. You won't even be able to talk because you'll always run everything through your brain for what will this sound like? What will they think? Why do they think it? What am I saying? You can never be yourself, so nobody ever likes you for yourself and you don't even feel good about yourself and you always feel separated because you always know, he says, yeah, but if they really knew what I was thinking. Unless you could tell them what you're thinking. You know what I mean? But if you can get past that stuff, you can talk fast. That's all. You can talk faster at any means because you don' have to. What was I talking about? So in any event, the guy, the chemotherp, so I don't want to give out the watered down stuff and there's a tendency whenever I have a meeting like this or whenever I get up, people ask me, I mean, do you ever get nervous? I said, no, I really don't get nervous. I mean I suppose once in a while I get nervous because I pray and I pray not to give the word down stuff just to be myself and that's the deal because I figure see there's a blessing here fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave you part of the fear of evil part of people is being able to talk about yourself and express your ideas and understand that there are probably going to be 25% of people that are always going to hate you and not like you, whatever it is. But that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. You know what I mean? That's okay because the only thing I have to worry about is my relationship with him. Because you know my big book says, right here it says, let no alcohol say he cannot recover unless he has family back. It's just in stone. Some kids, well, it says my recovery does not depend upon people. Depends upon my relationship within. It says right here, it said, the minute we put our work on a service plan, the alcohol commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. And this is within the first 164 pages, I think. He clamors for this and that claim He cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth, job or no job, wife or no wife. We simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon people ahead of dependence upon God. Burn the idea. Burn the eye. People say, well, if you tell newcomers that, they'll run away. Run away to where? Like, where are they going? I said, you know, I want to be the excuse to send somebody out again because of the way I read the book. The book says it says we never argue about people who suggest them drinking at least that's what 1212 says Nowadays, we're so worried about people drink some people need to drink. I mean you can hate me for that That's fine. Some people need the drink You know when my sponsor said to me a long time ago He says never rob an alcoholic of his desperation Never while I've been up off his last train You know if you want to use what I said in a meeting that's an excuse well Russell said this he pissed me off So that's why that's fine That's okay with me. As long as they get, you know, some people need to, where are they running to? Maybe they have a shot at coming back here with a different attitude. Burn the idea in the consciousness of every man that he can get well regards to anyone. The only condition that he trusts in God and clean house. So let me read a couple of things. And then somewhere along the way we'll actually talk about the steps. Although this has all been about the steppes. But I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Here we go. my friend promised that when these things were done I would enter upon a new page Susan, page 13 my friend promising when these thing were done I would end up on a new relationship with my creator that I would have the elements of way of living which answered all my problems belief in the power of God plus enough willingness and honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things with the essential elements which I think that means they are like essential they are absolute it then goes on to say let's go on to the next deal we have found much of heaven and we've been rocking into the fourth dimension of existence which we had not even dreamed hey they wouldn't have put that in there if it wasn't so you know they wouldn'T have put THAT in there if it WASN'T so I mean not drinking is great but how about that rocket into the 4th dimension that found much OF HEAVEN stuff how about that stuff that guy and he sold himself short was talking about you know I found the GREATEST thing it's NOT about money it's not about anything that says my relationship with God is lifting me from the scrap heap? How about feeling, how about, you know, it's great to have good things happen to yourself. How about feel good about yourself and when bad things are happening? How about being okay about yourself and where you're at regardless of the circumstances in your life? Do you think that's possible? I heard there was a guy in AA that was actually accomplished by somebody in AA one time. I think I met a guy like that once. I wondered what he had. He seemed to be doing okay. I think it was Al Kennedy at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was four months sober, and he was speaking. And I was 31 years old, and I wanted so much to be a man. I didn't know what it meant to be an adult. I thought it had to do with getting laid or getting drunk or getting into fights, all of which I was bad at. You know what I mean? And this guy, Al Kennedy, stood in front of me, and you know when you're in the presence of a man you know, you just know because you're just looking at him and you say, I don't know what the man is but I was like faking it until you make it which is okay, Nate, you're allowed to fake it until you make It. The point is though eventually you're actually supposed to make It but I mean, you don't want to be faking It until you die but the bottom line is you know I'm sitting here, I'm looking at this Kennedy guy and I'm saying man, this guy's really something you know? I've run into a few men like that and you know like you really want to hang out with them But they're scared to hang out with him And you know You just You just try to figure out What makes it work And maybe if I hang out With him Like through osmosis I can be like him Or something like that And you could tell He was tough and courageous But he wasn't mean or arrogant He was kind But he was just Something else He had what I guess Bill Dalton saw in Bill Wilson He said something he thought a person ought to have A release You remember when he was sitting around his table Bill Dawson Now Fox News He says I was sitting there watching Bill Wilson And he says we were both sober But he had a release He had something that he thought A person oughta have And Al Kennedy left the room He must have been about my age at that time He left the Room And everybody clapped and applauded And he was just helping people And loving on them and tell him the deal, you know, and this is what the deal is. And I said, man, that guy was great. And he says, my spouse said, yeah. And he said, no, he's really good. And my spouse says, you knows he's dying of cancer. I said no, I'm talking about the guy who just spoke to me. He says, yeah, he died of cancer I said I'm not talking about that guy, Al Kennedy He says Russell, he dies of cancer, he has three months to live He said he didn't say anything about dying of cancer I'm sure I shared this before with me, but it's worth sharing and I said, you know, I'm the kind of guy, I'm an alcoholic. I have a hangnail. I have crap happen to me and I wouldn't say the wrongdoings of others are fancy to real or imaginary crap can get me going for 16 weeks. I worry about your problems. You know what I mean? I'm talking about, here's a guy dying of cancer. Do you think, I couldn't wrap my mind around that. But you know what took me to a different level? I saw a man who was dying and three months later he was dead, who was died of cancer and he was acting like it was okay. There was no problem. He wasn't scared and he was helping other people. He was loving on them. You know, he became part of my we. Don't you have to have a we in order to do this thing? Doesn't it say in your book? We have a different book the first time. It says if you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it then you're ready to take certain steps. You're not even ready to take the steps unless you have a wee. How can you take the step unless you don't have a way? If you want what we don't we have don't you have to have a week don't you have to have a group of people or a person or somebody you look and say, man, if I can only have that deal. Why can't I be like that guy? Why can I have that do you know? You know, there's people that come in and they don't want what we have. Or they're not willing to go to any league. They're just not willing to give up Susie or give up the job or anything. They don't wanted that badly. And I saw Al Kennedy and I would have done anything. You know that was my whole struggle really through the first 10-15 years about Bucks Anonymous. Do I want what Al Kennedy has or do I want the money? do I want what Al Kennedy has or do I want the sex do I want what Al Kennedy has or do I want to be late my whole struggle was between do I want what these men have that I was hanging around and I wanted so much or do I want that was a struggle in AA and I'm not saying I did everything perfect but over a period of time over the years you know something the Al Kennedys the miners I'll tell you about the miners in the next session the miners went out the gold miners I'll tell you about that I'm not going to tell you about that now somebody remind me to talk about the miners in the next section another true story if you understand about the minors you'll understand about this whole deal we have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed in the fourth dimension which we have not even dreamed the great facts is just this and nothing less we've had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutioned our whole life attitude towards life towards our fellows and towards God's universe central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives which is indeed miraculous he has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we can never do by ourselves going on page 62 Susan this is the how and why of it now I'm just going to whip through the book until I get where I want to go there's a pattern here folks this is how and my of it first of all and I risk repeating myself and I may repeat myself to make a point because the point is real important. It's more important even than the war stories. You know why it's more important than the wars stories? Because just like I said last time, if you look on page 29 of the book where it talks about what we're supposed to talk about here it says further on clear cut directions are given showing how we recovered. These are followed by 42 personal experiences. Each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established this relationship with God. That's the same part where it says what we learn and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us, whatever our race creed or color are the children of a living creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms so that's why I talk about this stuff because I think it's important and I don't believe, to be honest with you, that it's talked about a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous because people are scared to talk about it because they're scared to be judged and people will be mad at them and say well he's just a bible thumper or a big book thumpper or they'll put him down or they will laugh at him because it makes people nervous and you know why it makes People Nervous? because if all this is true, and it is, then maybe they have to change. And even old-timers don't like to change, they don't like to hear it. So if you don't hear it, and if you don't read it, that we don't talk about, we can just talk about sex or relationships, romance relationships or all that other stuff that really is unimportant and doesn't mean anything. It isn't even the answer, it's just a problem. And that's the reason why people aren't getting that much better, because they're just talking about the problem, they're not talking that solution. No, but that's just my opinion and I could be wrong and the truth is I could go back to your groups and you're going to listen to a group where there's 30 people talking and you can see how many people mention this stuff I'm talking about and how many People talk about the problem and then you're gonna see what's going on in Alcoholics Anonymous. You're gonna say man nobody's talking about this stuff and then you're gunna be saying to yourself should I talk about it and then you're gona say this but what will they think about me? And then we're gonna find out what the deal is about you. And then you get to discover why am I so scared? And then You get to do a fourth step. And then maybe You overcome that fear. And maybe then You really understand what they mean when they say a new freedom and a new happiness. Where You're in the world but You're not of the world. Then You can be Yourself and You can talk about what You think is important. And You can Be free instead of just saying You're free. Free of even the judgment of alcoholics and obfuscates because You know they can't kick You out of here. You know, they can't kick you out of AA. You know if you drink and that kind of kick you out of, nobody's going to kick you out of a we talk about to God. The only thing that's going to happen is they're not going to like you. You know if you can't handle people not liking you I feel sorry for you. That's what Dr. Bob said. He said in his story he says if you don't if you can't accept what we say here about God and the things we're talking about he says I feel sorry for you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. This is the how and why but first of all we had to quit playing God It didn't work. Next, we decided that here and after this drama of life, Dobbs is going to be our director. He's the principal. We are his agents. He's a father with his children. Most good ideas are simple. This is the triumphant arch. I want to get to the arch. Got about five minutes to go. I'm going to wrap this whole thing up. I'm gonna do it. I'm wanna do it or not. You know, perhaps there is a better way. Page 68. we think so for we are now on a different basis the trusting and relying upon God we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves we are in the world to play the role he assigns just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity apparently he has something to do with this thing whoever he is I don't know who he is but it seems to me that you ought to try to find out who that guy is because he's going to show you a lot of things we never apologize He said, I'd like to apologize to you for taking up your time talking about him. I'd love to do that. But you see the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know what fellowship you're in. I'm in a fellowship called Alcoholics and Anonymous, and my big book says we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality is a way of weakness, paradoxically is away of strength. The verdict of the age is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. And then again it says we Never Apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be at once we commence to outgrow fear. You don't have to be scared of me. You don'T have to BE scared of this book. I'd be scared of the fact that you may not be getting this deal. Believe me, I can't hurt you. I can do anything to you. You know what would be the saddest thing in the world? To live your entire life? Because I don't think this is a dress rehearsal and get to the end of your life. Because I've been with people who died, who had this deal, And I've been with them who died and didn't have this deal. It would be sad to get to the end of your life and realize that you screwed the pooch, that you missed the whole deal. That you get to end and say, you know, why didn't I do this? That you lived a life. You know, because I did that deal. Charging credit cards up. You know buying things I couldn't afford. Things I didn't need I couldn' afford to impress people I didn' even like. You know? To live a life not doing what you're doing because you're worried about what other people might think about you. Yeah, it's bad. It's not even a life you know so here we go the fifth step I'm going past the fifth but I want to point out something this is into action this is the fifth step now having made our personal inventory what shall we do about it this is a first paragraph why do you think you do step five it's all about God and the relationship Did you know that? This is what it says. It says, we have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator and discover the obstacles in our path. We've admitted certain defects. We've ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is. Do you think it's possible to be 16 years an Alcoholics Anonymous? 17, 20 years an alcoholics anonymous? Actually, you know, sort of done the steps, you know done that deal and not have a relationship with God? Listen to me. It is. It is, and you know what it looks like? It's sad because there's no enthusiasm. You know what there is? There's a lot of bleeding deaconism. There's all kinds of things going on. There's not a lot pissed off. There's lot of gossip. There's lots of character assassinations talking about other people's backs. There's alot of stuff but there's not love. There's no love and it's all intolerance. That's what it look like. an alcoholic synopsis, and they've got 20 years so you can't tell them crap. You know? And then you go on to step 8 and 9, you know? And you know what you think? You used to think step 8 and9 is about making amends to people and being nice to people so you have a good relationship with people so they feel good. That's not what it's about at all. See, that's earthly you think that's what it is about. You know what it says on page 77? Susan? We might, it talks about, it says, at the moment. This is about 8 and 9. This is what 8 and 8 is about. We, at the moment we are trying to put our lives in order but this is not an end in itself. Making up with people, having them forgive us, have you forgiven them? All of a sudden it's not an end it says it's our real purpose. What do you think the real purpose is in the book? I'm just talking about the book Alcoholics Anonymous. You know people come up to me and say hey listen, you're pissed at me. Hey listen, I get a lot of praise for reading stuff out of the book. People get mad at me he says I don't like you. He says well don't you? He says, well, the stuff you're saying, you mean the stuff I'm reading from the book? He says yeah, but it's the way you read it. It's like the way you read, you mean like it's important? He says yes, you know, like you put a lot of emphasis on it and stuff. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves, listen, our real purpose, the reason we do this, to fit yourselves, to be a maximum service to God and the people about us. It's all about Him, it's all about serving Him. over 2,000 years ago in the book of Matthew I don't know about you guys when I was growing up in AA you know how I learned about the book of Matthew my sponsor handed me Sermon on the Mount by Emmett Fox it's not conference approved but you want somebody that ain't conference disapproved either nobody at any conference has disapproves the Bible anybody may say you cannot read the Bible and you ain't never going to hear anybody say that because most old timers got their shit together or reading it and Bill Wilson was reading it and that's why his real sponsors were Sam Shoemaker who is an Episcopal priest and Ed Dowling you know, Jesuit it's all over this deal unless you don't want to see it but you know alcoholics are pretty much blind so then they see what they want to say so there we have so I'm going to end up now with this this deal well that's because you think everybody is welcome in AA you like everybody of course that's not what AA says it's not I know it's somewhere in the book it says right here I like saying this stuff just to piss people off it may not even be true but I don't know no one is too discredited or sunk too low to be welcomed cordially if he means business. Why did they put that in there? I don't know. Listen, I'm just reading from the book. Don't blame me. I didn't write this stuff. That's on page 161. You got Ray back there. He does the archives. He knows I'm not lying about this stuff It's in there. Well, it's in that part of the book that nobody ever reads. You know, the fellowship If you ask the fellowship is everybody welcome to say Yeah, it doesn't matter. Do your own thing. Say whatever you want to say. It's your program, my program, chicken number, whatever the heck it is, you know? You'll be an atheist today. It's okay. A takes a stand. Did you know A takes the stand on atheism? Listen, they're not going to take anybody else out because they can say whatever they want. But trust me, the big book takes a stands. God either is or he isn't. What was our decision to be? We could not duck this. It takes a stance. It really does. Trust me, this book has taken us. It's not a middle of the road. There is no middle-of-the-road solution, you know? It's nothing that he doesn't take a stand. It's just that the book is wonderful. The book is let up down by the fellowship that all has played fate and are scared to talk about the book. See, the people who are scared to talk About the book, the book Is fine. The book of the solutions of the book It's we're the ones who let it down. We're the Ones to give out Give out the watered-down chemotherapy because we don't want people talking about us behind their back our book is meant to be suggested only, we realize you know only a little God will constantly disclose more to you and to us, there he is again ask him in your morning meditation when you can do each day for the man who is still sick the answers will come if your own house are in order but obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got see to it that your relationship with him is right there he ist great events will come to pass this is the great fact for us abandon yourself to God as you understand him admit your faults to him and to your fellows clear away the wreckage of your past give freely of your font and join us we shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road to happy destiny look, this is just my opinion anybody can become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous all you need is a desire to stop drinking there is a difference between becoming a member of Alcoholic Anonymous and becoming part of the fellowship of the Spirit it's a little bit different there is separation that goes on in AA and I'm actually going to talk about this next time that's in step 6 and 7 we'll sort of cover it, I'll mush it into 10 through 12 you know it says that's the step that separates a man from a boy there is a separation that goes on during this deal thank you very much