Russell S. Discovers Emotional Sobriety While Staring at the Fourth Dimension of Existence

So my name is Russell Spatz. I'm an alcoholic and haven't found it necessary to drink since January 25th, 1981, I think. I think that's right. Well, I can tell you this. I have a cardinal rule. I never drink at least 48 hours before a meeting so I can say I don't have my memory shot. I'm 72 years old. It's over for me. I'll talk about the senility in a second. And I've been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. So my wife, my lovely wife is – I'm a member of the South Dixie group, by the way. That's my lovely – stand up for a second, sweetie. Yeah, stand up. Stand up. Stand up and let them see the babe I married. Thank you. I've Been Married for – I mean, my 41st year as a bride, I've BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER 40 YEARS. my sponsor said we raised four kids got seven soon to be eight grandkids my sponsor said I got married when I was three months over so don't talk to me about relationships or anything so my sponsor he said I don't want you to make any major decisions during your first year so I didn't think it was a major deal but I may have been mistaken in that she said to me the other day she's so cute She said, she's a member of Violin On Our ladies are perpetual revenge There's a great album on Ten Step When I'm wrong, she promptly admits it So she said to me The other day She said honey, are we going to be together in heaven I said sweetie It's still death to us part Don't be looking for me Don't Be looking for Me I read the contract I'm an attorney This is true this is what happens i'm getting up and she says i don't want to hear she never goes every once in a while when i'm speaking at a convention she'll go to a convention just because it's like a trip she doesn't care so but she says i don'T WANT TO HEAR THAT HORSE SHIT I DON'T WANTA HEAR ANY OF YOUR BULLSHIT ANYMORE I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR STORY YOUR BULLSHIT SO WE'RE COMING HERE TONIGHT SHE SAYS I DONT WANTTO HEAR any of that bullshit i'm sick and tired of your frickin story i'm tired of that stuff i dont wanna hear about your story i don't want to hear about your ex-wife and how beautiful she was and all that bullshit you know i don'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT IT'S TRUE SHE KNOWS IT'S TRUE SO YOU DOESN'T WANNA HEAR SHE DOES IT'S true she's telling me so i so I'M GONNA HAVE TO START ABOUT I'LL PROBABLY START AT WHAT HAPPENED AND LOOK I'M NOT GONNNA DO ANY JUNKALUGS YOU KNOW WE GOT ANY THIS IS AN OLD TIME ANY OLD TIMERS ANYBODY I MEAN I'M LOOKING YOU GUYS YOU KNOW MOST OF YOU GUYС LOOK LIKE YOU'RE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND TOO LONG BUT UH ANYBody HERE WITH OVER 30 YEARS RAISE your hand okay look at this look at that table over there you know it's always good to be in a room where you never know whether the guys that are going there are actually going to be able to go out vertical you know and so it's uh it's a good deal here so i'm going to talk about something we're going to tell so um so um well i this is good i know a lot of the people here i mean i have old friends here that i've been around for like 20 30 years and everything and not a new friends and everything like that and uh if you've never been in a meeting where i've been speaking uh i feel sorry yeah i i apologize let me apologize from whatever i'm about to say it's uh you know what can i tell you it's a i don't mean to hurt people's feelings i don'T MEAN TO PISS PEOPLE OFF YOU KNOW IT'S JUST IT'S just a natural thing that happens whenever i fucking talk you know i can't help it it's just uh you know what i mean that's just so i'm i was um so i'm not gonna say the drunk law i drank because i like the effect produced by alcohol you know I mean I drank there's no woman no car no amount of money no nothing ever worked just as well and just as fast as just a few drinks and so that's why I drank it if you drank if it did for you what it did to me you drink it too you know and and that's the bottom line if it didn't for me today what it did for me when i was 18 years old i'd be out there drinking it you know and that's the bottom line but in my life alcohol stopped working for me so i don't drink it anymore and the sad news about my life is it stopped working from me about 10 years before i realized it stopped work for me and i hurt a lot of people and screwed up a lot but uh and so i don't drinking anymore so uh but then i came in here and years later you know because of all the shit you go through in life life you know somewhere along your third some after you've been sober for about three months. And the initial, you know, I can't believe I'm not drinking and the obsession leaves and all that bullshit happens and you're happy and you found a new fellowship somewhere along the line. For some of us, it's the first month, sometimes the third month, sometimes to the third year, you realize you're fucking crazy. You're not drinking. You realize you're crazy and you don't know what the crazy is. And you realize then for the first time, maybe you see in the book, alcohol is just a symptom of our disease. Our real disease centers in our mind, not our body. And that the real alcoholism you've always had even before you started drinking as a matter of fact that's why you drank because nothing worked so well on your alcoholism than the drinking so it was there before you drank during your drinking and after you're drinking and you realize that the real problem is you're fucking crazy but you don't even have a clue as to how crazy you are and that's Why they have the second step which will restore you to sanity and you ultimately after you have 10 years sobriety realize that you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're insane in the first place and so you spend the next 10-15 years going through all sorts of bullshit and getting a new perspective by pain and humiliation, the final question of self-sufficiency slowly but surely day after day, learning how fucking crazy you are. And that's how it works. And you say somewhere around 10 years or 15 years sobriety if you even make it that far. Most people don't. Only one half of 1% 1 to 100 make it over 20 years and half of them are still thumb sucking crybabies and living lives with quite desperation and they're not rocking in the fourth dimension of existence i know because the guys i sponsor these days when you get old like me you don't sponsor too many newcomers they're scared of you they don't talk to you they'll talk to me you know but i mean it's not that i'm not available i love everybody i love newcomers but you get the sponsor guy set up 25 30 35 years who are ready to commit suicide you wouldn't know because they know how to hide it but every once while you run into them they say i don't know what the hell that guy has but i want it because i got 30 years and i'm a thumb-sucking crybaby and it ain't working for me so you get to sponsor those guys so you understand that that's just because you're physically sober doesn't mean you're sober it's bill wilson learned when he was 23 years sober and he was once again going down into depression and he wrote an essay called uh emotional sobriety instead the real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies. And then you find out that you're not only addicted to alcohol, but that's really the least of your addictions. I mean, they don't arrest you for driving while fat and they don'T arrest youfor driving while lusting, but you ultimately find out thatyou're addicted to women, you're addictedto men, youre addicted to romance or addicted to prestige. You're addictedtomoney. It's not that important. It' just right up there with oxygen. You'readicted to everything in this entire world. Andthat the entire world is all and you wake up every morning saying, if only this and if only that, if I only had this, if I only have that, my only way finally at this girl or that girl or this guy or that guy. If I was only married, if i only had a car, but only at a house, if they only pay me more money, I'd be okay. You don't realize that every day five times a day you're saying to yourself, I'm not okay. I'm not okay, I am not okay because the one consequence unless until an alcoholic accepts as alcoholism and all its consequences to try to be precarious. And one of the consequences of being an alcoholic is you realize without any question, fundamentally deep down inside that you're not okay. You're not worthy. You'RE unworthy to be in a life. So you're constantly comparing your insides with other people's outsides. You'Re running after shit to get like new cars, new women, no new this, no that in order to make yourself. Okay. Cause for God, if anybody knows anything, you ain't okay by yourself. You are so much less than okay. And you tell yourself things like, you don't give a shit what other people think about you. You say that sometimes you'll say it out loud. I don't get a shit when they think about me. And ultimately down the road, 10 or 15 years down the world, you realize that any human being who keeps on telling themselves, they don't do a shit where they, what people think of them. All they do is think about what other People think about them. Those people that really don't Give a shit. What other people Think about them never say, I don' t give a Shit what people Think About me. They say things like pass the sugar, but they don' T say that shit. You know, every once in a while when you're not watching TV, you're not going out. You're not getting laid. You're Not Going to Movies. You're NOT going to doing something. You're just sort of alone with your thoughts. You hear the voice. I'll hear it. You hear a voice and the voice says. You're a worthless piece of shit. You ought to kill yourself and you turn around. See who's telling you that shit and you're the only one in the room. That's coming from. It's not coming from Mars. It's nothing. That's basically you telling you what you really think about yourself. and you can run around distract yourself but that's the real alcoholism the real alcoholism is not the drink the drinking is the easiest shit in the world i go to thousands and thousands of a meetings last 40 years all i do is speak to people who are undrinked and they're all fucking crazy and they'RE ALL LIVING LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION because THEY'RE ALL SUFFERING FROM ALCOHOLISM i had a guy call me up today i could give his name it does important because It could be one in a million people. And he says to me, after I spoke to him for a while and I realized a little bit something about him, I don't even listen to what people tell me. I listen to whatever they're not telling me. If you listen real carefully to people, you can hear what they're now telling you. They'll tell you a whole bunch of things, but they won't tell you what they are. Don't listen to What an Alcoholic Says About Himself. Listen to what he's not saying. It becomes very clear as to what they'RE not saying, and he finally said to me he's got like three days to bribe and he says to me i said i said uh i said first of all i said how much time do you have he says well i've been around for 32 years so i know i'm talking to a guy that's three or four days i said no i didn't ask you that i said How much time you have now he says he says three days i said so you've never been sober he says no no i was sober I was sober eight years. I said, no, you've never been sober. He says, no. I was so great years. He says. No. You've never. Been sober. He says no. I was over eight years I was sober and I felt something I didn't ask how you felt I said how long you've been sober you said eight years but now you have three days you've ever been sober he says what you what you were is you were on the wagon for eight years but you weren't sober because people who are sober don't drink again people who are sober don t you should be happy about that because that means you didn't really slip because you were never sober because when my sponsors when I say that guy is sober I don't mean you're not drinking most people in A are not drinking it doesn't mean they're sober they're not being rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence they're not experiencing much of heaven they're not convinced that God is working their lives in such a way that they are able to do incredible things God is not the central factor of their life even if they admit that God exists his existence is barren to them because they haven't utterly abandoned themselves to God they haven'T been separated out there's a big separation in it didn't you hear it's the sixth step it's not the third step it'S the sixth step IT'S a step that separates the men from the boys And you know, the definition of that is the men are the ones who are repeatedly trying, repeatedly trying for a lifetime. For a lifetime to shape themselves into the image and likeness of God. Those people don't drink. Those people Don't Drink. They've got something called permanent sobriety. Don't tell me it doesn't exist because it does. I've seen it. I've been in the presence of people who are involved in it I know what the old timers were doing the first 10 years of sobriety in AA, I've read Dr. Bob and the good old timERS it wasn't the don't drink and go to meetings it wasn's the not drinking club you know there's a definition of what it takes to be a member in AA all it takes to be an member is the desire to stop drinking it doesn't have to be an honest desire they took that out because that was too high a bar We're talking about a fleeting thought. What the fuck? I think I'll go to AA. Might as well. I got nothing better to do tonight. That's why so many people drink after 5, 10, 15, 20 years. They drink because they were never sober. They drink, because you can actually... One of the things they learned in the 1950s is this great essay. I have it in my email. If you get my email, it's called A Strong Cup of Tea. When ultimately, people started coming in with a higher bottom, and they learned that you could actually stay sober, sober not drinking and you didn't have to do the steps or believe in god that's when everything changed in aa because basically you're dealing with people that don't want to talk about god they don't wanna really they don'T WANT TO GIVE THEIR LIVES TO GOD THEY DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT GOD SO WHEN THEY CAME IN THEY REALIZED THAT YOU CAN JUST NOT DRINK AND GO TO MEETINGS AND GO TO THE FELLOWSHIP AND HANG AROUND PEOPLE THAT SAY SHIT LIKE DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE GOD THING YOU'LL SCARE AWAY THE NEWCOMERS AND DOWNPLAY THE GODTHING WHAT HAPPENED WHAT DO YOU THINK MOST ALCOHOLICS DID THAT DIDN'T WANTA BELIEVE IN GOD ANYWAY AND DON'T EVEN LIKE BEING TALKING about. They didn't do it. They just didn't drink and go to meetings, and the incredible discovery they found out is you can not drink and go to meetings and do half this shit and stay sober for 10 or 15 years. But then you drank. And you drank because you were never emotionally sober. So we have this wonderful, so we have this big book that says if you want to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of heaven the great fact is this and nothing less make god the central fact of your life be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous he's doing for you what you can't do for yourself or it says you're on a new basis the base of trusting and believing in god we never apologize for believing in God all men of faith have courage they trust their God. They let him demonstrate in their lives what God can do for them at once they begin to outgrow fear. It says, but we will not know you. We can't be sure of that. God will determine that and your real reliance has to be on him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. Above everything, you're selfish, you'RE self-centered, youRE driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking. You step on the toes of others. they retaliate seemingly without provocation we learn you've made decisions based upon self which puts you in a position to be hurt so an alcoholic is self-aware and riot though he usually doesn't think so above everything above everything we must get rid of the selfishness how do you do that when you don't even know you're selfish you just think your bad breaks misunderstands basically a good boy how can you even understand that how can you get rid OF THE SELFISHNESS WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HOW FUCKING SELFCISH AND SELFS I ASKED MY SPONSOR WHAT DOES THAT MEAN THAT WHOLE PARAGRAPH HE SAYS IT MEANS YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT anybody except yourself i said i don't know i like the way they say it in the big book better like i said I'm sensitive he says no great artist is sensitive you're just touching and it says above everything we want to get rid of this selfishness god makes that possible see to it that you're and then it says later on it says if you if you sincerely sincerely turn yourself over to him also it's or you want to do something here yeah get rid him. What is this? Oh, is it was it an alcoholic? Is it an alcoholic not following directions? Defiant? What a fucking shocker. For the right New York about this, there's a selfish alcoholic in the room that can't keep his fucking mouth shut. Unbelievable. He's texting his girlfriend. Where was I? God, I hope they don't throw me out of the core. But it says, it says when you sincerely make such a decision, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, he gives us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work well. So I guess you better know who he is. Yes, that's true. A is not alive with any sect, denomination or religion, but you better get your ass lied. I can tell you that. A is not a lie, but you better find some sort of alliance because when you got cancer and it's three o'clock in the morning and there's no money in the bank and you're going to be foreclosed on, let me tell you something. This room ain't going to Be Here With You. Your sponsor is not going to Be There With You and some fluffy bullshit God that you just make up in your mind ain't going to BE THERE WITH YOU. I can tell you what, you're gonna be scared shitless. And if you don't know what it's like to have sober, non-drinking fear, you just haven't been here long enough. If you've been here longer than a year, You know what it's like to be waking up at three o'clock in the morning, start raving awake and be scared as shit as to what's going to happen to you and not being able to get rid of that. That's the real alcoholism. That centers in your mind, not your body. That's The Real Deal. How do you get rid OF that? That's what it says. It says God, you know what he says in chapter, here's what Dr. Bob said. Dr. Bob said, if you're an atheist, you don't know when you guys know this because they don't teach you this in AA. The fellowship, I love the fellowship, but just remember our fellowship. It ain't Well People's Anonymous. You understand that? It ain'T Well People'S Anonymous AA says the whole thing, everything we're talking about, the steps and everything is all about God and forming a relationship with God, suiting relationship with him. It's right. And great events will come, will become, come to you and to other people. That's what AA says. That's where the whole program is about. The fellowship says, don't, don' Don't talk too much about God. So remember, you're in a schizophrenic fellowship. You're in an fellowship of a huge amount of believers that don't want to hear this shit. And a lot of guys with five and ten years that they don't mind you talking about it because then they may have to do it. Nobody's doing this shit except for a few people. OK? And you got a book that says God's everything or he's nothing. You got Dr. Bob says if you're an atheist and agnostic or have some sort of intellectual pride that keeps you from understanding this, I feel sorry for you. I pity you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. God is your father. You're the children. You have a new employer. You know what I mean? He's the principal. You're his agent. You know, that's what your book says. You're on a new basis. The basis of trusting and relying upon God. Job or no job. Whatever it is, it means nothing as long as you trust in God. You know? That's what it says. Growing the image and likeness. That's with the big book. That's where you're going to go. That's how the program is. And you got 1,000 people. And you sit there in an AA room and people are scared to call God, God. They say like HP, turn it over to HP, you know, because you know why? Because there comes a time where you get to make a choice between whether or not you believe in God or you're cool. And above everything, alcoholics, if there's any, alcohol is not just alcohol. We call it alcohol, but alcohol where please love me, a holics. Don't laugh at me at a holic. Don't don't roll your eyes at me, a holic. Don't talk behind my back, aholic. Please let you know I walk into that bar. I look at all those people. I say, man, I hope I can join the group. I can't take a couple of shots of that shit and I feel like I own the fucking group. That's the problem. That's The Solution. What's going to get me in a place where people will like me because I'm a please like me and love me a holoc. My whole life is scared of people and what they're going to think about me. And I sit there in a room where the whole thing's about God. It's on the wall. And I don't want to say the word God. You know, you go to an A meeting where they're going to say, let's talk about relationships. You better believe it's all about having sex and romance. It ain't about God. And maybe one day you'll want to Say something about God, but you don't say it. And you catch yourself because you start going through your mind. This sort of bullshit sort of stuff we do. If I say this, what will they think about me? If I mention God, what would they think? What would they say about me or if I mention god, what we think about my hair? dr dr bob basically said i feel sorry for you if you have intellectual pride you know what intellectual pride is i graduated with departmental honors in mathematics i was going for my phd in algebraic topology instead i went to law school became a division chief state attorney's office trying murder cases i was a law professor you know i wasn't a stupid guy i had something called intellectual pride. You know what that means? That means that you believe everything you tell yourself. You think you're smarter than, you're the smartest guy in the fucking room. Nobody can tell you anything. And let me tell you something, you ain't doing shit unless you understand it. You ain't going to do shit unless it makes sense to you. That's intellectual pride Now, let me explain something to you, knowledge and intelligence is different than wisdom knowledge is fading away knowledge is bullshit wisdom doesn't fade away wisdom is a whole different thing it has to do with something called inspirational thinking holy spirit thinking it's a whole difference different deal it's dangerous thing when you suffer from the disease of alcoholism like it says in the book unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences is to probably be precarious of true happiness will find it at all. It's a dangerous thing when you suffer from alcoholism, you have all these consequences besides drinking. Drinking is the smallest, drinking is bullshit. I've never been able to stop somebody from drinking ever, ever. Sometimes I'll be in a position where I'm saying something and somebody will say, you really helped me and they'll stop drinking. And I'll start thinking that it has something to do with me. There is one who has all power, only one, not 52.1, it's God. It's not God has 95%. He gave me 5%, only one. If somebody's in here and he becomes entirely ready to stop drinking, entirely ready TO STOP DRINKING, and he hears me, something may snap and he may hear me and he MAY STOP DRANKING. I understand I have nothing to do with it because I don't carry a message. The only thing I do is try to carry a MESSAGE. And if God's there, that MESAGE shall STAY. So if I go out from this room tonight you want to know something and uh and everybody drinks says what the fuck did you do with that room they all drank i said i don't feel guilty at all she wanted something because whether you need drink or not has nothing to do with what i said you know because i've done exactly what because all i care about is what god wants me to do what god once we do is not carry a message he wants me coming here and try to carry the message so this may be the worst meeting i've ever done in my life but it's the best one i can do tonight and that's all he asked me to do. He says, I'll take care of the rest. And that's the way it works. And I understand that God has everything to do with it and I have really nothing to do With it. I just show up. And so the bottom line is you go through that book Alcoholics Anonymous and then you realize you have this chapter to the agnostics. Chapter to the Agnostics in the book. It's written to agnostcs and alcoholics. It is a chapter written to agnostic and alcohols. Most people in AA think atheism is okay. They think agnosticism is okay. Let me tell you something, as far as AA is concerned, it is not okay. It's antithetical to the AA program. AA is about believing fervently in God. Those are the ones that stay sober, that form that relationship forever. The other ones drink eventually because they're never sober. Because they may stop drinking but then they're chasing after the women and the men. I remember when I first, when I was a student, I'm a lounge lizard. You know, I wanted what she had. I was willing to go to any length to get it. I'm just looking for that gal because if it isn't the booze, you know, if I walk in the bar, let me tell you something. I can get drunk off of a new car. I could get drunk offer a good-looking gal. I walk into the bar with a good looking gal. They're looking at me all of a sudden. I feel like I'm on top of the world. The gal leaves. I'd feel like a piece of shit. I got a date on Saturday night. I don't have a date. I've got a girl. I'll get him late. I am okay. I will not getting laid, I'm not okay. I got money. I'm in the bank. I can get drunk on anything. I say to my sponsor, look at that blonde in the front row because I'm looking at the blondes in the front row. That's part and parcel of my alcoholism. Worshiping shit in this world that everybody else is thinking that will make me okay because God knows deep down inside I know I'm not okay and I said look at that blonde in the front row? He says, Russ, what did you used to drink? I said, I used to drink scotch. What kind of scotch? Top shelf? I drink Cutty Sark, J&B and everything like that. He says you see that gal in the front row, that blonde? He said, yeah. He said for you, that's a bottle of scotch with legs. And I sort of chuckle like it's a joke. And I look at her again and I see this green bottle forming around her. Sort of brainwashing. As you go along and you get hit and hit and hit year after year after year with depression, with anxiety, with sleep nights, worrying over the money and the women and the men and the relationship. Somewhere along well it took me about 16 years to realize I may have a drinking problem. The first step of getting out of jail is you've got to know you're in jail in the first place. Somewhere around the fifth or sixth or seventh or tenth year, after you stop drinking, you start realizing that the problem may be something to do with lusting after and trying to grab the things of this world to make you okay and it's not working so some guy bounces a $500 check on me and I'm telling and I live it because it cost me to bounce a check I don't know if it's ever happened to you something happened with money and everything like that And so I'm telling everybody in the room what this asshole did for me. And I can't believe it. And I'm beating him up in my mind and I'm dipping him in boiling water in my mind. And because if you're an alcoholic, you're at least murdering at least 50 people every fricking day. You know what I mean? All the assholes that, you know, my sponsor used to say, how are you doing? I said, I'm doing fine. He says, Oh, you must be getting your own way. So this guy bounces a $500 check on me. I'm five years sober. I'm just going nuts. after everything I did for him. How can you do this? What kind of jerk is this? My whole day is ruined. I mean, not by the way, no matter how much you hate somebody, no matter how much you want to kill them, no matter how much you can't believe no matter how much you feel sorry for yourself. Let me tell you, I know this by personal experience. It ain't going to put $500 in your bank account. All it's going to do is ruin your day because you're an obsessive bullshit crazy thinker and the problem is in your mind not your body. And you're still drunk with your own bullshit. So my sponsor says to me, after I've told everybody I could possibly – because I know – the one thing I know is I know what the problem is. The problem is this guy. And he bounced a $500 check. That's the problem. And so I'm going to tell you about the problem。 I'm gonna tell you why I'm pissed off. And you can't argue me out of it. Because if it happened to you, if you say – I said, yeah, well, if it happens to you you'd feel the same way because I believe that. I believe there's only one way to react To any discomfort in this world Or anything that goes And that is to be mad or hate Or feel sorry for myself I don't believe there is any other way to interact No other way And if you don't react the way I react It's because you're stupid Or you don' t know Or it hasn't happened to you And my sponsor says Well how would you feel if it didn't bother you And I look at him And I say i'm sorry i don't understand the question because i really didn't understand the question because i'm insane remember because if you are insane with alcoholism and you are constantly hanging around other people that are insane because of alcoholism in the bars and you walk into aa you will find a lot of insane people but you will every once in a while bump into somebody who's actually emotionally sober they're very dangerous because they sound stupid people that are sober in aa will sound stupid they'll ask stupid questions so he says to me my sponsor has 20 years says well how would you feel if it didn't bother you russ i said i'm sorry i don't understand the question because they're like talking czechoslovakian or something you know i mean really When you think about it, he says, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? And I said. I don't understand the question. I really I honestly don't stand the question, son of a bitch bounce five hundred dollars. I said, I understand. I heard that you've been telling everybody in the room. You just shared it. I said I'm asking you, how do you feel? It didn't bothered you. I said i'm sorry. I know this sounds crazy, but I don' t understand the Question. The question is simple. How would you Feel if it Didn't Bother You? I said How would I feel If it Didn't Bother Me That He Bounced Five Hundred check on me? He says, yes. How would you feel if it didn't bother you that he bounced a $500 check on you? I said, well, if it did bother me, I'd feel fine. He says there you go. And he walks away and I still don't understand what the fuck he's talking about. I still have no idea what he's talking about and so now I'm 10 years sober. 10 years sobre. and my wife the lovely digna who's in the bathroom we have a fight you know and uh and i i go to my sponsor i said i'm getting a divorce and i explained to him in detail in details exactly what she did and what she said you know i'm not going to go into it now you know what i mean but believe me i was right i was alky white right if you disagree with me have to die because you're so fucking stupid you know it was unbelievable i said i didn't sign up for this shit this is bullshit you know probably had something to do with spending money or about to spend money or doing so who knows what it was it was bad so i took about 20 minutes i explained to him everything that happened i said I'm out of here I'm Out of This Deal you know It's Over man i didn't sign up for this shit and he says uh and then he he asked me one of those stupid questions that stupid guys for 30 years ask the stupid shit he said uh he says okay i said so why are you upset i said what are you talking about talking czechoslovakian again i said why are you upset I said what do you mean why am I upset he says why are you sad and I said I said Joe I just spent 20 minutes telling you in freaking detail which i think you're supposed to do this fifth step shit in detail and i've done all the steps and i'm i've been i was intergroup banquet chairman for two years in a row and eight years on relay and sponsoring everything inside and speaking at meetings i said i just told you indeed let me tell you something if there's one thing an alcoholic knows especially when he's sober you know what makes you upset you know it's i mean it's like mathematical you can tell that you can't wait to tell people it's you know what would fix you what's making you upset and so i said i just told you i spent 20 minutes he says that's not why you're upset i got 10 years sobriety i'm not stupid i'm doing step meetings all over the place i'm speaking you know i said and i said that's Not Why I'm Upset He said, no, that's why you're upset. I said that. He says, that'S not why you'RE upset. You say, all that stuff, I... That's not why YOU'RE upset! That! He says Russell, that's not WHY you'RE UPSET. Then he shuts up. That's NOT why you'Re upset. Well, you know why I'M upset? He says, oh yeah, I know why you're upset. You know why I'm upset? Oh shit, clear. It's crystal. Are you going to tell me why I am upset? Well, I don't know. You really want to know? I said, of course I want to. Why am I upset? He said, listen, this is exactly what he said. These are the exact words on the field. He says listen, stupid. This is like the endearing thing. You know, that whole part about love and tolerance is our code. None of my sponsors took that course, okay? He said, listen, stupid, you're upset because you're upsettable. I said, what is this, fucking Zen AA or something? And so I've been married 40 years. And you know how you get married 40 ears? You somehow get to the point where no matter what happens, it doesn't upset you. It doesn't come on the radar screen. So my wife the other day, you know, because I want to be rocked in the fourth dimension. My wife the Other Day, you knew you did this. She won't even deny this. Most people think I'm kidding about this. She takes me to have my ears checked because she says she thinks there's something wrong with your hearing. And so I don't argue with you. You know, I said, sure, you know, whatever, because, well, she stood in front of the TV set between me and the TV said like this with her hands like this. She says is exactly what she said. You never listen to a word I say. I'm thinking what a weird way to start a conversation. You know what I mean? And so she takes me down to get the hearing test. Remember when you took me down? Remember, you said there's nothing wrong with this hearing. he says well what's the problem he says i think he has selective hearing i'm not sure he helped me out with that one you know what i mean so then another year goes by and she says i want you tested for dementia he says because there's a lot of stuff that's going on around here a lot of problems everything and you don't seem to be concerned you don'T SEEM TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT IMPORTANT STUFF THAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE AND I okay so we go down to Dr. Minkus you remember when we went to Dr Minkuss and he did the brain scan on me and all that shit because she thought I had dementia and he came back and he said he said he's fine he doesn't have dementia and she said he says well I do detect that he's thinking it may be a lower level at this point he's at the level of genius she didn't like that she he was laughing because apparently when you've uh stopped when you when when you're not upsetable anymore and maybe when you get emotional sobriety it looks like dementia because you figure out you know if there's one thing i can tell you about alcoholics is they're very aware of every fucking thing that's going on around them the wrongdoings of others fancied or real imaginary shit shit that isn't even happening they're sort of making them the alcoholics are very aware everything's going around you around every time i have a sponsor or anybody comes up to me to talk to me and they look excited or a little sad they always start off by saying the same thing i've been thinking i was going to do this but then my mind told me and i and i the first thing he says but you're insane you understand that don't you and after we have a little conversation i explained to him how they're insane how these are in the same it says so you understand that when you're in saying if you're listening to your brain that's a bad thing so the bottom line is is so how do you stop listening to a brain that's going a million dot miles per hour telling you all sorts of shit most of which is unreal and it's never going to happen because 90 percent of things you think are going to happened aren't going to happen and the one thing that's gonna happen is gonna happen differently than you think it's gonna happen anyway do you know i mean so how Do you stop that shit how do how do You stop a a situation with the mind where, I mean, because really that's the truth. The truth is 95% of everything that's going through your brain is unimportant and not necessary for your life. And the 5% that is going in through your mind, 2.5% of that, half of that you don't even need to think about and the other 2.25% is going to take care of itself. And all you have to do is learn how to go to the bathroom on time and go to sleep when you're tired and eat when you'RE hungry and that's it and it all sort of works out anyway, you know? But how does that work out when you'Re so scared and you have that corrosive threat of fear and you haven't lost fear of people and of economic insecurity and everything is just fucking terrorizing on the planet and so they have this thing chaptered to the agnostics, they say a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life would have helped us we'd be okay a long time ago, it didn't help us because we lack the power we have no power to be transformed and the transformation which is mapped out by Dr. Young with Roland Hassett, he said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I've never been able to help somebody who has that state of mind exist. And he says, you have to have a complete psychic change. And that's put on by a belief in God, some sort of spiritual thing, some sort of God thing where you have to believe in God and happens here and there once in a while. And he describes it. He says ideas, emotions and attitudes, which are the driving force of these men's lives, ideas, emotions and attitudes. My sponsor said, why do you do the things you do? Why do you think the things you think? Why do you say the things you say you know he says you know what your problem is russ you think everybody should think the way you think you're fucking crazy why do you do the things you do he said and i say that's just my personality he says well your personality is killing you i know how to get rid of the booze how do you stop being you when you're a fucking nut and i said why could you be like your brother gary well how the fuck do you do Gary. I don't know how to do that. I've been doing me all my life. Me feels comfortable. Me feels, I'm stuck. Dr. Carl Menninger said alcoholism, men and women are out to destroy themselves. In his book on suicide, Man Against Himself, I am out to destroy myself and I really don't think so. I really do not understand it. How do you change? The answer is you do not change. You cannot change. It is impossible to change. You are trying to think yourself. I have guys coming to me. This time I am really going to do I'm going to do the fourth step. I said, let me get this straight. You're fucking insane. You've never been able to do anything. You've Never Been Able To Change. And instead of coming in here and asking me for my help, you're telling me what you've diagnosed yourself and what you think you have to do. You think it has to do with a better fourth step? You think it has through with a Better Ninth Step? Has nothing to do With any of that shit. All that shit is designed to get you into one place. And that is to abandon the entire world, all the blondes brunettes the redheads all the money and focus on god and you've never been able to do that because you're an alcoholic and you hate god and hate the idea of god i know that because i read chapter of the agnostics and one of the consequences of alcoholics is if you're in alcohol and you are told something or you hear something you read something you don't like it confuses you and you hit the person who told you so even though you read the big book you never really read the book but most stuff in the big books that it says you discard and says it doesn't apply to me and then you worry about why you never get this thing you're never walking in the fourth dimension existence the big book says if we could do this thing the problem is lack of power that was our dilemma we had to find a power in that way that means we wrote a book about god and then the next line is is here's where the trouble starts with the alcoholics because the hackles in their neck like like cats you know stand up because they don't want to hear that shit. And it's prevalent throughout every room, every guy who says to you, don't talk about the God thing, you'll scare the newcomers away. Bullshit. Bullship. The newcomers who are really serious want to hear a message of depth and weight. The guys with five years or 10 years who have put God in the trunk of their car, and maybe they'll bring them out in Amy, but want to fuck around on their wives, have no integrity, and don't have any intent of ever giving their lives to God because it's too scary for them. They want to make sure you don't talk about it that much because then they might might have to do it. And the guys that got scared out of here because somebody says God and says, I'm leaving this place because he said God or Jesus, whatever thing, they ain't staying anyway. They'll use any excuse to get out because I'll tell you something. I came in here because I hit bottom and more than anything, I didn't want to drink again. And nobody was going to say anything to scare me away. And I'm just lucky that Christians didn't come down to get me because I'd be at the airport right now with a tambourine dressed in orange. You know what I mean? And the great thing about AA, the great Thing is alcohol because every two years The alcohol comes through and wipes out All the fucking bullshit And all the I ain't gonna get on my knees And I don't believe in God shit and it's all a bunch of bullshit They all get wiped out and they go to Prison or they drink or they Die or something like that and they keep Alcohol keeps on wiping it out And wiping it down and wiping it Out and There's a few guys that are around for Maybe 30 40 50 years that have actually been forced by repeated humiliations and they've learned the value of suffering. All of a sudden, they let go of some of their old ideas that they didn't even know they had in the first place. And they start really doing this thing seriously. And all of a sudden, when they start talking about God and thinking about God, and praying to God, and proclaiming God to other people, they notice that they've lost fear of the judgment of other people and fear of economic insecurity. And it happens as soon as they were able to take God out of the trunk of their car next to the spare tire and let him do the driving. Not even put him in the passenger seat, let him be the co-pilot. That's the deal. and they're no longer sitting in an AA meeting worried about what they're going to say or whether they're gonna talk about God because they're worried about some guy sitting next to him or gal sitting next door who doesn't even pay their visa bill. I think about what a crappy way to live life, what bondage. I didn't come into AA and stop drinking so I could worry about what people in AA think about me. I'm more concerned about what God thinks about me and God is very simple. It says, it says, as long as you stay close to me and do my work well, and his work is I'm supposed to tell other people. And that's why in the big book, all they do is talk about God. They put it in writing. That's what Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson talked about. It's all in writing, it's all there in the Big Book. And a thousand things I haven't even mentioned. That's why, and Dr. Bob, in the good old times, he said the books that we found absolutely essential in order to stay sober is 1 Corinthians 13, Summer of the Mountain, and the book of James. That's not me talking, that's in your literature. You know, in 1935, AA was started. In 1939, they wrote the big book and said, really? I haven't seen a person fail. It was thoroughly followed our path. You do what we did. You'll get what we got. you'll get what we got this is what we did you know this is what we said you know and you know what it says it says we lose prejudice against organized religion we begin to see where organized religion and people of that feel is right we encourage you know they say that we say we encourage church membership it's optional but we encourage it then it says most of us do that 10 years sobriety i got to the point where it wasn't working anymore always working i could have stayed sober i think i think i was doing a lot of shit you can do enough activity in here and work enough in here and distract yourself enough in here so you can hang on and not drinking but after a while it seems like jail time it's just another fucking meeting it's one more day it's like doing time in aa you don't drink so they'll give you the medallion 11 years, 12 years, 14 years, 15 years. You only think about suicide once in a while. And all of a sudden everything you hear in A is the same old bullshit. Same old stories, same old crap, same old bullshit, nothing changes, but you're going to meetings because you don't want to drink. Let me tell you something people who are only going, I'm not saying this to newcomers Because when you're a newcomer in the first five or 10 years, I'm sure 90% of my motivation, I know it was for going to meetings because I didn't want to drink because I was scared to drink. But I'll tell you something, around 10, 15, 20 years sobriety, or maybe even before that, if the only reason you're going to meeting is so you don't drink, you will drink. You will drink because after about 10 or 15 years, this stuff gets fucking old and boring. Same old bullshit. Same old story. You're not drinking and you're not happy with your sobriety here and there once in a while. And Alphonse says, feel better, look better, having a better time. We laugh at such Sally. We know he'll try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriete. Soon he'll know loneliness is few do. He'll be at the jumping off place, you know? And so you come here and you say all the key words. I'm spiritual, not religious. Bullshit. bullshit. I'm not spiritual. I am a selfish prick. That's what my big book says, I'm selfish. You want to see how spiritual you are? I'll tell you what. You stop going to meetings, you stop talking to your sponsor, you stop praying, you stopped reading AA literature, and six months later, we're going to see How fucking Spiritual You Are. you are selfish self-centered only give a shit about yourself that's what you are and that's what most of the world is quite frankly they just don't have the drinking problem if i do this stuff in here religiously i start looking like i'm spiritual i start acting like i'm but only if i follow these rules and after a while we're not really good at following rules I'm going to tell you something. Alcoholics are not good at fun. They get bored. So what's the answer? The answer is something around the sixth step. That's the launching pad. It's a step that separates the man from the boy. It's where, it's where you don't like in a rocket that's going into the fourth dimension. It's like where it separates and the rest falls back to earth because there's a, there's an escape velocity of, of the gravitational pull of alcoholism. and there's a step called the sixth step, and that's the step that separates the men from the boys. And as a well-loved clergyman said, it said the men are those who are continually trying for a lifetime to grow in the image and likeness of their creator with a capital C. Those guys are not here. Those men are no longer motivated because of a desire to stop drinking. I don't come to any means of a desired to stop drink. Don't get me wrong, and I can't explain this to you. I happen to believe that an hour from now, after this meeting, I could be drunk because I absolutely believe I'm powerless over alcohol. I believe that anything that I have now that keeps me from drinking alcohol and puts me in a position of safety has to do with the loving grasp and the grace of God, and that as long as I focus on him and try to do the things he wants me to do, I'll be within his grace and I won't drink. I believe there's nothing in me that will stop me from drinking, except there's nothing in any alcoholic says in our book that will come a time in any alcoholic's life that he'll drink again. And the only protection will be is the grace of God. And it doesn't say that's not going to happen when you have 40 years. And so I believe that I don't go to meetings though, because I'm worried about drinking. I go to means because I want to help other people and I want to do what God tells me to do. And every person who comes in here is part of a ministry and has work cut out for them. And my work, my job is to try to help other people and share this message. And I'm fully capable of sharing this message because I don't give a shit what you think about me. I really don't. You know, all I care about is whether I'm sharing the message and being transparent. And not holding back with this bullshit. Well, if I say this, they won't like me or if they say that, because I know you won't like me because the big book tells me once we start talking about God, once we started talking about God. Listen, if I ain't pissing off 25%, if I don't have 25% of the people in this room walking out saying, who invited that asshole to speak? I'm not saying anything that's worthwhile. You know, if your sponsor ain't pissed you off 90% ofthe time. Look, I went up to my sponsor three months sober and I had no money and I was broke. I had a wife and a kid and I was three months behind the mortgage and I didn't know what to do and I wasn't telling anybody I wasn' going to tell my group that the big shot lawyer didn't have any money and he was broke not that I gave a shit what they thought about me but I wasn''t going to tells them so I figured I would tell my sponsor give me a thousand bucks so I told my sponsor that I mean I need money I'm not talking about AA bullshit this is a real earth problem I need money. I'm going to be evicted. I got a wife and a kid. And he listens to me and he says, you understand my problem? He says, yeah, I understand. He says I think I can help you. He says really? He says what? He says well I think it's about time you start making coffee for the group. Now I'm three months over. I graduated from the Department of the Law and Mathematics. I'm a smart son of a bitch. I got to be honest with you. I didn't think we were having a fucking conversation. I really didn't. You know what I mean? I didn't see any connection between me getting money and making coffee with the group. And yet, here's the magic thing. He walked me over the coffee machine and I followed him. You know something? I now know 40 years later that that's why I'm not drinking. One of the decisions that I made, one of the things I did, I guess it's because I had one thing going for me. I didn'T want to drink. And I thought he was part of my not drinking . So even though I knew he was crazy and it didn't make any sense whatsoever. See, with my intellectual pride, I knew he wasn't listening to me and it was bullshit. But what happened was I decided to do something that didn't take any sense to me rather than follow my own thinking because he had told me so many times you're best thinking on the rest. They got me in, got you in here. He had drilled into me the fact that I was fucking crazy. So I didn't trust my own Thinking. So, I walked over and he showed me how to make the coffee. The next day, I didn't want to go to the meeting because I was depressed. I was very depressed because no money had come in, but I had to go the meeting because I had to make this stupid coffee. I made coffee for three months for that stupid group going to that meeting and somehow the money came in and everything worked out. Some guy came up to me and says, I'll make the coffee. He said, I'm the coffee maker. Who the hell are you? Who made you the coffeemaker? Go get your own coffee group. You know what I mean? They called for 18 fucking months forthat group. And I'm sober day because i made coffee for that group and now i have some now i have some understanding of what that's all i got because in god's economy notwithstanding what i see and i believe in my brain logically in god's spiritual economy first things first seek me first the kingdom of god and his righteousness and all things will be added unto you and the first thing he wanted to do is not worry about the money, but make coffee for other people. And I made coffee for other people and he supplied the money. I don't understand how it works. But then again, he's all powerful. He has all power. And I didn't drink. So when you have an alcoholic whose chief characteristic is defiance, how do you teach him that? And you don't teach him that because faith isn't taught. It's caught. And somehow you got to get to the point where you hit bottom and you're willing to go to any length to stay sober in any any length may mean they mean making coffee when you're dying you see no reason to make coffee because your intellect you stop believing your own bullshit and you stop believe in your old ideas so you just told do what you're told how about that how about for a deal in aa why don't you just go get a sponsor and do what they're freaking told follow directions even though you don't understand isn't that well what a wacky mate what a major deal that is shut up and do what you're told got a lot of guys call me up and they ask me for help and then they tell me what they need me to do and what they needs to do i said why don't you just shut up and ask me to help and tell and then do what i tell you to do how about that deal no you don'T want to do that i may tell you TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO make some coffee so at 10 years sober now i'm going to end because we're five minutes over and nobody stays sober after five minutes over the meeting. So 10 years sober, they told me to go to Bible study. I went to Bible studies because that's what we're doing between 1935 and 1939. I met my third sponsor who had 60 years sobriety. He was a Baptist preacher and he was the real deal. He really believed in God. I met about 40 other men who were between 70 and 80 years old, sometimes 90. They believe in God and they were reading the Bible and I started reading the source material of what they were talking about when they were telling about the Good Samaritan and all the other stuff in AA. When Bill Wilson said in Outlaw Sonata number three, the Lord has been so wonderful for me, curing me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about and telling other people. I started getting alive with that start and the more I started hanging out with people that were believers and were serious about this shit, the same thing that liked to kill me out on the street because you see what alcoholics do is we think we're leaders. Next time you think you're a leader, look around and see who's following you. You know what I mean? and so what happened was the same shit that used to kill me on the street where i wanted to blend in i wanted you to like me so i do whatever you told me to do i'd use the cocaine i do whatever because that's what everybody else was doing i wanted to be like these guys so i modeled myself after them the man and woman you'll be in the next five years will depend upon people you hang out when the books you read and the books you read will depend on who you hang out with and so i followed these guys for 5 10 15 years the next thing i know slowly but surely i started looking at god instead of looking at the redheads looking at god instead of worrying about the money looking at god and just focusing on god and and then all of a sudden when i read that part in the big book it says we encourage church membership most of us are involved in that because we want to get closer to god like the 11th step says like the six steps down says and i started doing that my whole life changed the big buck turned from black and white to technicolor and i starting discovering that if you really want the shit that most people will never get in here, you got to be prepared to do the shit that most People won't do. And most People are just the kind of People they talk about in Chapter of the Agnostics. If they hear about God, they say, I'm not going to do that stuff because they're scared they're not going have the money or the woman or whatever it is or what they think they need. And then they're the ones that end up drinking again or falling back to Earth and never getting this thing. That's the deal. And that's how it works. And so that's the end of my deal. Thank you very much.