Rules and Principles – Big Book Workshop – Richmond, VA – Part 1 of 2 – Don P.

I'd like to take just a minute to go around. My name is Don, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. My home group is an AA group. It meets in Denver every Friday morning at 6 o'clock in the basement of the Community Correction Center. I have been continuously sober since December 26, 1967. I also belong to the program. I don't have much of an agenda. In fact, I'm completely lost this weekend. I've been waiting for her to tell me what to do. So, I have a rough idea of what we have in mind here. Generally, it takes Friday night, all day Saturday, and early Sunday morning. We're going to do it all on Saturday. I would like to get some idea of what you would like out of today, why you came. If you could give me just some brief idea. Remember, with this many people, if you take more than two minutes, we've already used up an hour. Which is fine, because it's your party. Could you do that? Let's start here. Who are you? Where do you come from? What are you here for? Yeah, I'm Miles. I'm an alcoholic. Good to be here and good to be sober. Guess I'm here because I'm alcoholic. And I found a solution in Alcoholics Anonymous. Through my own experience, I found out what to do and not to do. And I found that out just to know a little bit. You know, I know knowledge. I can study this book all day and all night, but it's no good to me unless I do it. So you're looking for an experience this weekend, right? Yes, sir. Good. Okay. Hi. It's your turn. I'm Delaney. I'm an alcoholic. And I would like to learn more about handling sobriety when I get a little bit upset or angry or somebody threatens my sobrietry or something like that. She snuck right in on me. I'm Coral. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Coral! I am definitely an alcoholic! I'm here with my friends from Gatorsburg. I'm with the Life is Good crew. My sobriety date is December 12, 1997. And I wanted to make it to the one in Gatorsberg, but I was at a wedding and had a friend here who's in Long Island. So, I'm her now. And I'll just follow them wherever they go. our job this weekend is to intimidate coral is there anybody you want to throw out. It's important to know that. No? Good, then I can stay. Ah, we have one more. We need to know who you are. We have just finished introducing ourselves. Welcome. A couple of housekeeping things. I'm a former smoker, so I'm tuned in to smokers. Just before you go insane, we'll have a break. The session is running from an hour to an hour and a half, never more than that. Because I really am sensitive to the fact that people have to go. And I have a 73-minute bladder myself, so you're all safe. it's critically important if we're going to walk as spiritual people to be on time. There's only one time anything can ever happen, and that's right now. And if you're not here when it happens, you missed it. It's also my greatest defect in character was my rudeness. I would impose myself into your life and not ask you whether you wanted me there or not. I would make promises I didn't keep, numerous rude things. Now, as a group, we need to agree that after the break that we'll be back here on time because everybody here affects everybody else here for as long as we're gathered together. And that's a responsibility you're going to have to take. I just assume not to set down any rules because life doesn't run on rules except in boot camp. The spiritual life runs on principles, and that constantly changes the rules. So if you want a ten-minute break, we'll decide that just before we take the break. And I will be back in this chair ready to go in ten minutes. I also believe the most important thing that will happen this weekend is you talking to each other. So when we get back together, as long as you're talking, I won't. I really believe it's that important. When you get quiet, I can't stand dead air. Then it's my turn. Okay? So do we all understand that little piece? And it's not an admonition. It's simply that's how I operate. Okay? You may be talking to each other about something vastly more important than anything I would say. And I really don't want to interrupt that. If you want a 20-minute break, we'll take a 20 minute break. If you wanna go home and say this is enough, go home. It's enough. This is the way life is. I was at one of these things once and I heard myself say that the reason I was here was to have a closer relationship with God. And as it came out of my mouth, I realized that's the most selfish thing I have ever said. It's not up to me to determine what the relationship with god is. God determines that. And I comply with Him. When I decide how a relationship is supposed to be of any kind, I screw it up because it will be based on what's in it for me. I will always try to cut the deal to suit me. I may even be good enough to cut you in on the deal. But believe me, I'm going to get the best piece of it if I'm working it. So I had to, and I learned from that experience that that's not for me to determine. Everybody who had something that wanted to be addressed will be addressed. I can tell you this right now. You already have what you came here to get. This whole thing is an inside job. All of it. I know nothing that you don't know. The fundamental idea of God is deep within every human being. And so this pathway for me has been one of not finding God out here because that's where I get lost, but acknowledging the presence of God here and that's what happened for me so to start off with I'm going to give you free of charge the perfect prayer as far as I understand it today God that's it everything from there is fluff all I need to do is acknowledge the presence of God and it's over then things begin to happen so it's the acknowledgement that starts the whole thing I was brought into this way of living through the big book so it is the only one I know now I am going to do a lot of talking because I assume that's why you had me come. And I've heard that this morning. It doesn't mean you can't talk, but I'm going to get on a roll here and get used to it. First of all, they came to the fish tank and told us who they were and then invited us to come to their 12-step study school. if it sounded like this was something we wanted. They were alcoholic, that's what they said they were. They didn't drink anymore, they said that. And beyond that they said what we can do is we can show you a new way of thinking. We can show how to learn to live a way of life that makes sense to you. And this was a new thought for me. I've been trying to live my life so it made sense to me. So it made no sense to anybody. And it never made sense to anybody. So I've learned to live a way of life that makes sense to me, and my life still doesn't make sense to a lot of people, and I really don't care. I really truly don't. I'm not going to hurt anybody's feelings, but until you put bread on my table, don't tell me what to eat. It sounds a little negative, but that's kind of it. I got that from an old convict. He took me aside one day and he said, Prince, why are you so worried about what other people think? There's not one of them I'm going to put a scrap of bread on your table. I've got the idea. Now, they had an AA group that met every Friday night and they let real people in from the outside. It was a two-hour meeting. We took up an hour of it and then real people took up another hour of the meeting. An hour of them. And we weren't allowed to go to that meeting to start with. We had to go to this 12-step study school first, which meant every Saturday and every Sunday we gave up our yard privileges and our movies. And for five weeks we went up to this school for four hours every afternoon. And the very first thing they told us when we got there was that you new guys for the next five weeks have nothing to say. If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't be here, which was true. I hear stuff today it's the vogue to build self-esteem I'm alive because they made damn sure I didn't have any I knew that this is about ego deflation at depth otherwise I won't quit playing God at depth it doesn't mean humiliation at depth it means ego deflection if you're doing so damn good what are you doing here that's what they were saying to me and I had to agree I've been doing my very best and there I was I get the lovely contrast of knowing that I started out as a number not a person so everything from there on has been a bonus to me they gave me back my name when I went and complained to my sponsor he called me dummy and I thought what a lovely thing I'm no longer 38,984. I'm a dummy. He loves me. So we were taking... I see two aspects of Alcoholics Anonymous. There's the fellowship. Very important. Without it, we would be in bad shape. Then there's the recovery process, and they're separate. They're interdependent, but they are two different things altogether. We were brought into the recovery progress first so we could have a spiritual awakening because that's what's going to solve my problem. and having had a spiritual awakening, then I was brought to the fellowship so I could do something with it because it isn't about me. My sobriety is not for me. My sobriet is for you. I've already got it. What else am I going to get? My sobretty is for You. My life is none of my business. The conduct of my life becomes my business, but the outcomes of my wife are none of mine. None of my own business. it solves the ambition problem I don't have any you know, whatever and it's been a real ride since I got on that track 31 years ago I became conscious of that I will be what he wants me to be and I will go where he wants me to go I don' t care and I've had five major careers since that time I just finished giving up all my authority and all my power where I work and now everybody thinks I run the place it's really fun to watch I can't even make a decision down here but everybody wants to know what decisions should be made here and I give them the best answer I can I don't know I was an administrator for a while and I resigned because it was driving me crazy and I did the inventory and discovered that the reason it was driving me crazy is I don't care if the work gets done or not. It's a bad attitude for an administrator. So I resigned. And they gave me that position, and they put me somewhere else. It makes me easy to get along with. If my life is none of my business, yours certainly isn't. The only time I get tested with people is when they try to tell me how to live. Well, I won't tell you, you don't tell me. How's that? Is that a deal? That's kind of what the fellowship produces. We encourage you, if you're a little bit insane, to keep coming back. You don't know it, but you're our entertainment. We won't be able to tell you that until later, when it's your turn. so I was hand carried through the steps and the way they did it was the way I've been doing it ever since and what I'll do this weekend they shared their experience with this book they read it out loud to us shared their experience of it and then gave us precise directions on what to do when to do it and how to do Ann Smith left us our greatest legacy you must walk day by day with a new person for a while I have grandchildren in my house a lot I can't conceive of the meanness that it would take to wake that child up and then walk away and leave the room so it's the same thing when we're working with others I believe my job is to help you wake up Now that you're awake, my job is to walk with you for a while until you get used to being awake. The big book uses the word reborn. This is a transforming experience. We get a new mind. And I don't know how to use it. So don't wake me up and then just dump me somewhere because I'll screw this deal up. My ego will get it. I have known people who got the power here. and then they appropriated it to their own use, and it ate them up. I've watched it, and it's heartbreaking to see. So you're in great danger today because what we're going to do in this walk is discover where the power is and how to access it. And if you're feeling powerless this morning, by tonight you will know where the Power is and how to access It. And that puts you in grave danger. I'm told here that I've been given the power to help others. That's the only reason I've being given the power. From the very beginning of the big book, we're being taught how to 12-step, how to pass it on, because it's clear, it's not for us. I'm going to pick on some people, and I don't mean to, but I've heard some things that are So contrary to what my experience is, I know I'm going to pick on some people. So I'll apologize in advance, but I much don't give a damn. What's the truth? Well, let's see here. I have a second edition big book. What I'm seeing mostly are third editions. There's not many changes. There's a radical change between the first edition and the second edition. Radical change, major change. In all first edition big books, The Doctor's Opinion was page one. Now it's been isolated into a separate section. I don't know why. I've tried to find out why for 15 years. There is no smoking gun. Nobody knows why. I've gotten six different reasons. None of them are true. nobody knows why I went to the archives and asked Frank Mouser he said he'd been looking for it too and there's no smoking gun nobody knows what doesn't matter why what concerns me is we began to notice some people who were drinking again and they would say they didn't understand why because they'd done everything that the first 164 pages said to do and we heard what they were saying they're leaving out the doctor's opinion If you tell anybody the answers in the first 164 pages, you're leaving out the doctor's opinion. And that may sound petty, but a new person will do exactly what we tell them to do. And most new people, they love to preface, well, I don't need that. Ford, I dont need that, this is just some guy's opinion, here it is. I've got one of those minds, I know. So, I am currently one of numerous members of Alcoholics Anonymous who are saying, since we are now considering the possibility of a fourth edition big book, this might be a good time just to restore our book to its original condition. It won't happen this time, but we might talk about it some more. In the meantime, we're going to start at the beginning of the book. Without the doctor's opinion, I wouldn't be here. It defined what was wrong with me when I didn't know. I will skip the preface. We can't read the whole thing. I'm going to kind of jump around here and give you how I use this book and what my experience with it has been. Let's go to the foreword of the first edition. It says this is how it appeared in the first printing of the First Edition in 1939. That's not exactly true. The words are all the same. But where it's italicized, in the first editions, it was big, bold, black print. Heavy print. Changes the emphasis a little bit. The way we work... Was that a bug moving up there? No. Come on in. We've been talking about you. To address some things I heard, you can study this until you're blind. The way you approach the program will determine the outcomes, unfortunately. And this is my approach. Thank God they got this to me real quick. We of Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I'm no longer in recovery. I haven't been in recovery for years. I am a recovered alcoholic. There's a period of time in any disease when you must be in recovery, but you can't stay in recovery forever. You eventually are as recovered as you're going to get. And now it's time to get on about the business of living. without that promise I wouldn't be here if you'd have offered me a way to cope with my problem I'd have left you because my coper broke years ago to cope means to fight the good fight and I am plumb out of fight I don't need to cope with this being in recovery is a very difficult time everything still hurts for one thing and there's days I suffer from certain kinds of chronic pain I can tell you there are days when there's just let me out of here I don't want any more recovery just letmeoutofhere and it's that way with alcoholism particularly this is just too hard for me well you can recover from this disease And to show others precisely how we recovered is the main purpose of this book I died because I had become useless I am now given a reason for living To show others exactly how I recovered So my recovery isn't for me, it's for you As long as I can show others how I did this precisely I don't have to be smart I don' t have to have a lot of knowledge I don't have to be hip, slick, and cool. All I have to do is tell you, oh, this is what I was like, and this is how I was going to live my life. This is what happened when I did this, and this Is what I'm like now. And that's all I have To do. And then pass you on to the next guy so we can do the same thing. My friend or old husband, whom I love dearly, he's one of the guys 50-some odd plus years sober that I hang out with. When we get talking about sponsorship, says this book doesn't tell you a single time how to find a sponsor. It teaches you how to be one. Now, I'm a contrary person. I think there is one place where it tells you how to find the sponsor. Y'all got to disagree with her a little bit. This is it. To show others precisely how we've recovered is the main purpose of this book or anybody who's a member of AA. So if I'm going to pick a sponsor, I want to pick somebody who can show me precisely how they're recovered. First of all, I want them to be recovered. And how will I know they are recovered? They don't suffer from the symptoms of alcoholism. And what are the symptoms of alcoholismo? Well, we're going to get to them. It's defined and described precisely here. Dr. Silkworth talks about an allergy of the body. If I had an allergy to tomatoes and I ate tomatoes I'd break out with an itch. My allergy is alcohol. If I take alcohol into my system, I break out with an itch for another drink of alcohol. That's a symptom. It goes so far as to say it only happens to certain kinds of people. They're called alcoholics. Never happens. Never happens to the average temperate drinker or any other kind of drinker. Only to alcoholics, that's a symptoms. I sponsored a psychiatrist one time. God, he was fun. He was the founding psychiatrist of one of the finest alcohol and drug treatment programs in the world, at the University of Colorado. Just couldn't stay sober himself. And we're reading the doctor's opinion because that's what I do. I have no illusions that I know anything. So we're going to read this thing just in case you can get it. And I'm watching the information go in his head and get lost among all the stuff he knows. and we're getting into the yeah, buts. And I love working with new people because they help me pray effectively. Oh, God, what am I going to say to this one? How can I make this any simpler than what's right here? Sometimes I'm called upon to make it simpler than that. What's right there? And thank God my sponsors did that for me. They read what this said, and they said, for you that means. So I'm praying because I know I'm going to lose him. And it came. I said, Don, what happens to you after the first drink? He said, well, around the fourth or fifth or sixth drink, I forget where I'm supposed to go next, and I keep drinking and I end up getting drunk. I said well, Don what happens after the 1st drink? Oh, around the fifth or sixth drink. What happens to me after the first drink is the second drink. That's all I need to know. If that happens to you, don't give up your seat. It only happens to alcoholics. It happens to all alcoholics, and it doesn't mean that I'm going to have the second drinking 10 minutes from now. It may be at the end of the week, But I will have another drink, and another, and I will end up drinking. Isn't that easy? That's the doctor's opinion. At least that section of it. So there's one of the symptoms. If when I take a drink, I'm unable to predict how many I'm going to have, I have a symptom. One of the other symptoms is a mind that can't seem to remember that Regular minds Have something happen to them They don't do that again They say, oh, this causes this Psychotic minds say I ought to try that once more just to be sure and then when it happens they say yep, I'm sure we'll go do something else the alcoholic mind says no that isn't what caused it this is what caused me two or three steps down the line from that first drink is what causes trouble I have an awful lot of high drama in my life because I'm the kind of person that just loves high drama have since I was little so my alcoholic story is filled with drama. My recovery story is filled with trauma. I just love drama. I'm an actor. That does not define alcoholism. Non-alcoholics wreck cars when they're drunk. Non- Alcoholics do all the behaviors that alcoholics do when they are drinking, but they're not alcoholic because they can start or stop when they want. They can moderate when they I can't do that. The big book discusses three kinds of drinkers. The moderate drinker who can stop when they feel like it. A certain kind of hard drinker who looks like me in his behaviors, but given a sufficient reason to quit, he can. He can stop and moderate. I have an uncle like that, Uncle Walt. 25 years or so gone. Uncle Walt really drank. He and Aunt Ruth were drinkers his doctor said Walter if you don't stop you're going to die well he quit he didn't have what it took to be an alcoholic couldn't make it and you've got to really be tough to get into this game you've gotta be willing to sleep in gutters and lose families and jobs hurt people sleep in the gutters oh you've Gotta Be Tough you've Got To Be Able To Puke And Like It oh yeah the day comes if you're like me when I'm drinking and I've had so much I'm about to go into a coma but I'm not through drinking so I'll stick my finger down my throat get rid of that now we can go back and drink some more that's not normal I'm sorry these are little identifiers I've got a mind that just can't wrap itself around that I began to come into the truth when I got here I was pretty much a clean slate a lot of horror behind me but I was a new person I had the memories of a man who had died Christmas night in 1967 I died I'm absolutely certain of it I took a two month supply of amphetamines and shot them at my arm and drank everything in the house and I laid down and I died that will kill you when I woke up in the morning I didn't feel good not even close everything hurt particularly my soul because I woke up. And I wasn't supposed to be here. And the police were at the door, and that's how I knew I hadn't died. Whichever place you go, they don't need cops there. I'm still here. A failure at living and a failure at dying. Finally willing to do anything at all anybody said. And that's really all I brought here. If you brought that here with you today, you'll make it if you're willing to do anything this says and this is the bullshit sifter I listen to everything everybody says and then if I can reconcile it with this ok, if I cant I'm either too dumb or it's bullshit so I don't mess with it it's the greatest little gift I've been given because what it does is while I'm trying to figure out what you said and if it fits here I'm getting the truth anyway I ended up where you came and found me I was certified at that time as a sociopath type 2 a psychopath and a manic depressive drug addict because everybody was assessing me on my behavior and if you watched me that's what it looked like my alcoholism was hidden behind bizarre behavior it's a distraction that we use quite a bit when you're worried or in doubt run in circles, scream and shout create a diversion the old skin game you do that really good I just didn't want to be that anymore, and I wasn't. I think one of the messages I'm trying to get across today is that what you're looking for, you're looking with. You've already got it. There's nothing to get. You've уже got it . It's a matter of waking up and becoming conscious of what that really is. And so that's what my sponsors did for me. I couldn't identify with their drama. My first sponsor was a killer. He killed some people in a shootout in downtown Denver. I'm not that exciting. But I could identify with the way he felt and the way he thought. And particularly his inability to not drink. They said they didn't think I was a psychopath or a sociopath. I was the good actor. Bill uses that analogy all through here, the actor. And it's an easy one for us to get a hold of because that's what we are. I can remember time and time again somebody would confront me with the truth and before I'm through, they're at fault. We're not going to discuss me. We're going to discuss you. Okay. You want to talk about that one too first? Yeah. Move over. Now, there were some things that concerned me because I was in a place that I never really figured I'd be. Didn't know what I had in mind for my life. Bottom is the morning I wake up knowing what I have in mind for my wife isn't going to happen. And so I pick up a new set of dreams and a new kit of tools and start off on a new path. I just simply finally ran out of paths. I was too tired. I couldn't get up anymore. But I had this fresh mind that was willing to do anything. I'm stuck in a body that won't die. and carrying with it a mind that won't work. It made me really willing to listen to anybody, and I'm so glad that God intervened because the state and the federal government and me had all agreed to send me to a different place where I'd get a different kind of treatment. See, there's no treatment for what's wrong with me. It says that right in here. There is no treatment from what we just discussed. This allergy to alcohol? I've still got it. It's there. If I take a drink today, it will be as if I had never stopped. And I'm believing that because I'm watching people with 25 and 30 years of sobriety drink. They're not getting back. They're dying within weeks. It's as if they had never stopped. They're now starting where they left off. People with 15 and 20 years are having difficulty getting back The magic's gone. well there's no magic here that's why it's gone there's miracles here not magic magic is illusion magic is trickery I'm a good actor and a fine magician I can turn my wrong doings into your fault with a little foo-foo dust and throughout most of my life I would have these sane periods where I'd wonder what the hell's wrong with you yeah because when I'm in my right mind I'm a really decent human being I'm not a good man I'm no family man I love to work I want to accomplish things I'm kind and gentle to people I'm a good human being when I'm sober so what the hell's wrong with me that I would go do this this being anything contrary to that and I never got an answer well I got thousands of answers everybody has an answer to that one you know don't go out there on the street and ask people what's wrong with you. They'll tell you. And we don't have any answers here either, by the way. Thomas Sullivan was clear with that. We don't know what's going on. We don' t have any answer here. If you want an answer, go on the streets and ask anybody and they'll give you the answer. What we have here is a solution. And if you'll immerse yourself entirely in this solution, you'll come up with your own answer. So I'm wondering about this. What causes this? I'm in my third penitentiary now, and this really isn't what I had in mind. It's not what my family had in mine. This is not what we wanted to have where Don should be at 34. Where I wanted to be was home with my kids. And my kids were now in a foster home with the sergeant of the Denver Sheriff's Office. not only do I get arrested the poor babies get arrested what's wrong with me because this is the third time it's happened so I've gone past psychotic I tested it now I'm really into it and I'm doing the numbers let your mind go I did three months in my first penitentiary six months in My second now this is an 18 month deal this next number is going to be a hummer if the math works right and that's what will happen it's clear to me whatever is wrong with me this is the path I will end up taking but what put me in the first one because I didn't commit a criminal act I didn' t become a criminal until later and I made that as a conscious choice by the way I work in corrections, and most of us chose that way of life. Based on self, it's a conscious decision. It's this at the end of a long resentment. Hate it. This is one of my half-assed friends. Now, in the doctor's opinion, Bill writes some things too that are critically important to the approach to this book. On Roman numeral page 24, Bill's talking about Dr. Silkworth's statements. He said in the second statement, he confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture must believe, that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete. That means this is going to be incomplete also. Any picture of The Alcoholic that leaves out the physical factor, is going tp be incomplete. You all go to a lot of meetings. When was the last time the doctor's opinion was discussed at a meeting? I keep looking for it, so for 15 years I don't care what the topic is. We're going to talk about that first because I don' t hear it. And yet Bill's telling us without it, the whole deal is incomplete. Maybe that's why some people are hanging around here and drinking again. They're not getting this. our friend Jerome God Jerome was a joy he had one of those intellects that they couldn't measure and he had a really hard time getting sober smart people just have a tough time here ego deflation and death helps the dumber you can get the better chance you have of living the absolute mark of real sanity is I don't know Jerome finally got it he had to lose absolutely everything I was his confidant as something else was removed from his life he'd call me and tell me about it the bastards with the ball backs got me again and he was down to he had a little room and he had a collection of Sherlock Holmes and a cat and that's all he had left and he called me one day and he says they really got me today somebody took me to lunch at a Chinese restaurant everybody got these wonderful fortune cookies and mine was blank I was Jerome And about a week after that, he says, it's over. I just finished the books. Nothing left to read. And a cat died this morning of leukemia. Couldn't even be distemperate. It had to go dramatic for Jerome. He didn't get along fine. Yeah. Well, I hope not. Jerome began to get it and went through the steps. Denver is a big book town. We just take everybody through the stairs. He woke up, became the director of the Parkside Treatment Center for a while, was really doing well, met a lovely lady, very cultured lady, very bright lady, and they established a home. He began to write. He found he had a talent for sharing our message with real people, and the Church of Divine Science put him on the road sometimes giving talks to folks, and he wrote some books about it. He was really there. Twelve years sober. Tom and a couple of the other guys found him in a motel on East Colfax drunk. And they loved him enough that they went and bought whiskey and sat with him while he drank himself into a coma because they understood this. Stop an alcoholic halfway through, they're going to finish. That's why detox isn't any much good. Three to five days, this allergy may still be kicking in. Anyway, they let him drink himself into a coma and then they rushed him to the hospital. And we talked to Jerome afterwards because I'm really interested in why people who have been sober for a while drink again, particularly when they're doing the deal. And he said that it was because he never really believed what Doc Silkworth said. Never really believed it. And he had this lovely wife, cultured. They drank wine with meals. She never got involved, which is not the problem. But she kept asking him, you've been sober long enough, why can't you have just a glass of wine? And he said for several years, I can't. And then one day he said, you know, you're right, I care. And he did. And he ended up in a motel. he said he never really believed this this picture was left out and sure enough it was incomplete when the time came he had a way he could drink Jerome died last year in the Denver City Jail drunk never got sober again tried and tried and couldn't make it just couldn't make it I have the same disease he has it behooves me to believe every blessed word in here because these people are me, and they didn't drink again ever. And that's all I want. So I believe this. And then in applying that to me, I'm wondering, what put me in that penitentiary when I was 19 years old? What did that? Doc Silkworth explains it. Over on page 27, Roman numeral page 27 That's XXVII for those of you who didn't get that Wouldn't it be easier if this was just page 4? That's what it was in the big book when it first came out Down on the bottom I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I've had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which would be settled favorably to them on a certain date. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests. So the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape. They were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control and it would click I was in the Navy and I absolutely loved the Navy I was going to be a hero and come home a hero you know, I loved it there's still no experience quite like being on the high seas at night watching the ocean turn it fluoresces and it breathes oh man and I was a radar man at the time Very exciting. We were hanging out in the whorehouses and the bars of the Orient. Good for any 18, 19-year-old. Life was sweet. Cuss, spit, chew. Do man things. Just loved it. and just before we went to Korea for the umpteenth time they gave us a 24 hour liberty and I went ashore and I had a drink in Long Beach and 23 days later when I got back to the ship it was dawn that's what put me in the penitentiary missing the ship movement to a war zone high crime at that time But what really happened? For the first time in my life, because God had already entered into me working actively, I saw what happened. I had a drink in Long Beach and this happened. And I had second drink in long beach and then I moved up coast and I ended up in Pershing Square in Los Angeles after 22 days of mooching drinks and doing things that are completely contrary to my character, to who I am in order to continue drinking and on day 23 the madness left me on day 22 I couldn't go back they had to take me in chains because I needed a drink on day 23 I turned myself in went back to face the consequences like any sane human being there I am Now, that was not enough information, but there's the foundation of my entire recovery. At every cell in my body I know that's what will happen to me because from that point all of the memories linked up with that. I've got a new mind. It puts things together the way it ought to be. If I take a drink anywhere, I will take another drink anywhere. I nearly died on my first drunk from alcohol poisoning, because I drank too much. Too much bonded bourbon. At that time, my keen alcoholic mind said that bonded bourbons make you sick, so I haven't had any bonded bourbons since. I won't drink that shit. I'm sure if that's all I could get, I would, but just too much other stuff. And I learned how to drink other stuff that wouldn't make me sick. and how to mix this chemical and that to enhance that. I loved speed when I first discovered it. It made it possible for me to drink again. I was 19 and drinking wasn't working. I was continually getting drunk. He talks about men and women drink for the effect produced by alcohol. Well, early on, I have some memories to go with that. And I suggest when I sponsor you, bring your own memories to this. early on if we were going to go fight I learned to drink vodka because when I drink vodka I get mean and if you're going to fight you ought to have a little mean edge to you I still got my ass kicked but I was mean if we're going if we are going to go to a party and there might be some girls there I drank dark Bacardi rum because it makes me sensitive and warm. And with Coors beer and Furlan Husky, I can cry. With Mogan David wine, I was a poet and a painter. Oh, God. And eventually it just got me drunk. But I I began to find, well, yeah, because I take too much. I can't stop. The great frustration of most alcoholics that I've talked to is that the first time I caught that itch and chased it forever because never again was it just quite that one. And I'm convinced today that's because the first-time was what Carl Jung describes as a spiritual experience. and it can't happen again when you steal it. You don't get to keep it and you can't reproduce it. It brings about a sense of ease and comfort and a sense of place. When I need a drink, I'm out of place I'm either talking about the old days when things are right or planning the new days when things aren't going to be alright. I'm not here. I'm Out of Place. When I'm sound or if I take a drink, I suddenly end up in place right here, right now. The problem is my body says, well that's good, let's have some more. And I'm out of place again. In fact, I'm outside of my mind again. That's what happens when I drink. I had to identify all that with drinking because I hid behind psychopaths, sociopaths, manic depressive drug addicts. Manic depressive is a game for me. Love it. You're getting too close, and I'm busy in here trying to figure out who the hell's running this thing today. And you want a visit. I've got no time for that. And I learned early, throw a couple mood swings, and that'll drive you back. Oh yeah. You've got to get good at it. If you do it too much, they lock you up. if you don't do it just right he invites you to parties to be the entertainment these men were not drinking to escape they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control I can give you a hundred easy reasons why I drank and all of them are true the truth is I drank for no reason at all I'm an alcoholic the time I took the first drink I am doomed to drink doomed there's no treatment for it either by the way that's what he says Doc Silkworth goes on to describe different types of alcoholics because we have different personality types and then he makes a really powerful statement for me all these and many others have one symptom in common just one they cannot start drinking without developing a phenomenon of craving whatever the personality type if I can get it down to here you and I can work together you don't have to be me and I don't need to be you It doesn't have to be doctor, lawyer, none of that separating stuff. It's alcoholic to alcoholic. If when you start to drink, you develop a craving for more drink, we can work together. That's our one common. So when I hear people say, that's typically alcoholic, I'm sorry, I don't buy that. There's only one thing that's technically alcoholic. We have a lot of similarities. We also lie, cheat, steal, but so do a lot other people. I was not a violent drunk except twice I tried to kill some people well they had it coming but in the main that's not part of my personality I don't do violence well I do screaming really good and I do cold hearted passionless killer better than anything it's one of the things that used to terrify me because I would go from okay to this kind of killer rage where I didn't say anything, I didn' t move I just stood there and looked at you and what was in me was death and it used to frighten me because if I ever lost control of that I knew I'd kill somebody but that's still where I'll let God contain it because that's an instinct that was given to me back when my ancestors crawled out of the ooze If you threaten me, I will kill you. That's what the genes say. If you threat my family, we don't even have to talk about it. You are in real trouble. The bear comes out. That's frightening to know that a peaceful, gentle man like myself has a bear in him. A grizzly, mean son of a bitch. Leave it in God's hands. It's okay. you may not have that so that's not typically alcoholic that's genetic if I take a drink of alcohol I will have another drink of alcohol does that happen to you if it does we can get along fine we have something in common so my job in 12 stepping is to help you find out first of all does this happen to me does this happen to you so we have common ground because alcoholism is a lonely disease I truly believe when I'm caught up in it that Nobody understands. Nobody. And the reason I believe that is because I've been listening to you. I drink and something happens to me, and when it's all over, you say to me why did you do that? And early on, I would tell you the truth. I don't know. And you would say but you must know. You did it. So pretty soon I understand. You don't understand. My dad, God bless him, I only came to one AA meeting. I was a 15-minute speaker early on at our state convention. And he was there, and when it was over, he said, I had no idea that that's how you felt growing up. Of course he didn't. You think I'm going to tell people how I really feel? Sheesh. No chance. It's too scary in here. everybody's talking about butterflies and flowers that's not what's going on in my head I heard one time that you don't even have to have done it all you have to do is a thought about it and you're already in trouble with God that was a bad day because that's what I was thinking about most of the time. I've heard another guy say that you are what you think about. I don't believe that. If that was true by the time I was 16, I would have either been a hamburger or a girl. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people and sets them apart as a distinct entity. My God, that was good news. I have always felt different, alienated from my family. I'm the only alcoholic in my family, I didn't fit. Alienated and set apart. And Bruce said to me lovingly, the reason you feel different is that you're different. And this is how I'm different. And thank God you're difference the same way. But we're different, okay? My mother loves peppermint schnapps. She really does. And I like to watch her on the day because it comes up And she gets the schnapps down. She's got this tall glass and pours this stuff in there. I like Altoids for peppermint, but she likes the schnaps. And she'll take it and go, which is a very disgusting sound. She likes the way that tastes and the oily. It's kind of like fingernails on it. and then she'll sip some more God, she just I'm with her and then she'll say that's enough I'm starting to feel it there's a difference so I don't fit here there's something weird about me you pick it up as a kid I'm different because in the time of my first drink if schnapps is all there is I'll drink it screw the taste I really am not interested in the taste at that point I need an effect an immediate okay now I'll sip with you but we're going to sip faster than you want to because I need more and pretty soon You're going to bore me with the schnapps. I've got to get to something that's going to do the job here. This is too slow. It isn't blah, blah, bla, bla. I'm different. I don't fit. Of course not. I fit here. Every time I talk about that, I watch your heads. Yeah, you understand. Isn't that nice? And that's what I'm to bring to the new people. My whole job is to help you understand that I understand if you're new. so that you can have some kind of hope. Because at this point in time, there's no hope left. How many of you have tried other things? Psychiatry, psychology, church, good books, bad books. Yeah. Nothing had any sustained power. I found power in every one of them for a while. But no sustained power but I found something here that has sustained power it's been going on for 31 straight years that ain't bad and it's not because I do this right by the way there's no way to do this right and there's just the best way it sets them apart as a distinct entity so I'm different Okay. I can quit pretending that I can think like my brother because I can't. Never going to be able to. Don't even want to. I love my brother dearly, but I watch him at work. He works. I'm far too lazy to put in the kind of effort he puts in to write a symphony. I'm a musician too, but if I can do it first crack out with a half hour a week of practice I'm going to move to a different instrument. He stays with it until he masters it, and then he goes to another one. My wife is so sane. She knows I love music and would like to play. I play trumpet and trombone and harmonicas just enough to irritate everybody. And she knew that we were down south. This is some south. We were way south. And heard somebody playing the dulcimer. I watched Tom Coulter play Scotland the Brave on a 120-string dulcimer, and it moved me so much I said, I am going to do that before I die. And it really got me. My wife knows there's no way in hell I'm ever going to practice long enough to master a 120 string instrument. I'm just not going to be able to do it. So she got me a little four-string mountain dulcifer. And now I can play Scotland and the Brave so I can die any day now. That's okay. Our insanity is characterized by lack of proportion and the ability to think straight. I watched him do it. I know what's in me. I can do it, just give me a dulcimer, which is bullshit, but that's where I live. I'm seven. I can drive a car. I've been watching. I know I can't do that. I can fly. Sound familiar? It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to offer is entire abstinence. Good. That's the solution to the physical problem of alcoholism. Don't drink. And that's all. All the stuff that happens afterwards, like the second drink and the third drink and all that bizarre stuff, won't happen if you don't take the first one. There's no treatment for it. There's nothing I can take, no exercise, no books, no pills, no diet. There's Nothing in the World I Can Do, Nor Can Science. We can put a man on the moon and bring him back. We haven't figured out how to keep this thing from kicking in. We've talked about it being enzymes and THQ and all kinds of really interesting stuff. I'm in the business, so I've had to study all that. I find it fascinating. I don't use any of it. It's crap because it doesn't stop this. The only thing that will stop this is don't drink, which brings us to the second real problem. The real problem with the alcoholic center is in the mind. If my mother drank her schnapps and got past to falling on the floor, she would stop. I guarantee you. She'd never do that again. But she's never gone that far. I don't care if I fall down. In fact, I'm an actor. We will do a little drama so you'll be entertained by the fall. Somewhere along the way, you'll become responsible for it. Oh, got you again, didn't I? Damn. It's a fallen star. Uh-huh. It's fall star. Oh, yeah. Isn't that wonderful what can come out of this? What I'm doing is letting... I'm told by the big book that I'm to set aside prejudice and ask myself what spiritual terms mean to me. And I've taken that to heart. I ask myself, what does that mean to be? And I'm encouraging you to do the same thing. I'm telling you these little vignettes in the hope that maybe it will stimulate a memory for you, and it has for some of you. Yeah, that's me. That's me, isn't that weird? Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. You mean I'm crazy too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long of a break would you like? I can feel the smokers hating me. I will be in this chair ready to start in 15 minutes.