Rubbing Away the Wreckage – Lee and Bob D. – Big Book Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – Scott L.

One of the worst, you know, one of the guys I sponsor, Sheldon has a great saying. He says that if the story with Scott's, if we agree with the story Scott talked about about the frogs on the log and two of them decide to jump in the water, how many are still there? And the answer is still three because they only decided. Sheldons says if you really take step seven, you'll hear the splash, right? That's where you hit the water. That's where you really throw the towel in. This is no longer a decision. You're entirely ready. You're there. And it's really about surrender. One of the hardest surrenders of anyone I've ever heard about occurred in the mid-1940s. In the mid-'40s, the Japanese Empire was faced with extinction. Two atomic weapons had been set out on two of their major cities. They had no atomic bombs. They had No Defense Against This. They were facing absolute annihilation. Sound familiar? Right. And I can't imagine a more fear-wrought surrender because they had to surrender in the face of the knowledge of what they did at Pearl Harbor, what they Did at the Prisoner of War camps, the thousands and thousands of Americans they'd killed, some of them they'd tortured. And they had To Surrender knowing that we knew all that. can you imagine a more frightening surrender and in the Pacific Fleet they signed their third step they did their formal terms of surrender but they were required to do some things signing that was not enough they had to submit an inventory of all their defenses and dismantle those defenses their guns, their cannons, their navy their air force, their army and dismantled those defenses and render them over to this power greater than themselves who, at that point, could have annihilated them because they would have been defenseless. And like all surrendered people or peoples in a surrendered position, they took a stance of service. And the Japanese had developed a service ethic. And if you ever read the story of what happened in their businesses and their service and their business ethic since World War II, they developed an other-centered ethic that was amazing. They were such team players. They went to work for one reason and one reason only, to serve, to be a part of the family, to be an integrated part. There was no self there. There was nobody saying, what about me? It was all serving a whole greater than themselves. And as a result of that surrender and service, within 40 years the Japanese owned more of the United States than they could have ever conquered or held by military means. And I was over in Japan for an Alcoholics Anonymous conference about 15 years ago and I saw the beginning of the end for them. I saw all their young kids with the boom boxes now. They were not bowing to each other. all the respect was gone they were all wearing American clothes listening to rock and roll music they had no respect for their elders and they were serving themselves and the thing that really got me there were some incredible restaurants in Tokyo some of the best food I ever ate in the world there was one restaurant you couldn't get into it had a line two blocks long it was McDonald's I saw that and I thought it's the beginning of the end the beginning of the end and what has happened to their economy it became very self-oriented over the last few years and that's not the only factor that caused its from being almost the top of the food chain in the world economy down to like they're not doing too good today but that was one i am i believe in my heart that was one of the factors as the spirit gets sick and isolated Everything else follows. In our book it says when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. And I think this thing, this realm of the spirit is good for everybody. I think it permeates this planet. It permeates our relationships, our business. When my business got sick of spirit, the financial stuff followed. When it got healthy of spirit the financial staff followed. Scott? I've got a friend at home who says if he could get every newcomer one thing, he'd give them 500 cc's of desperation right in the butt. Well, we do good with desperate ones, don't we? And something I missed earlier when we were talking about the sex inventory, a friend of mine says dating before you've actually done the 12 steps is like pouring Miracle-Gro on your character defects. One of the things that I found interesting when I got here I got her as a taker Many of us do And I thought I was going to have to transition to being a giver I was incorrect about that The first transition was from taker to receiver The difference is that A taker can't take anything worth having And the receiver says thank you And asks for some more and it contains humility Having been a receiver for a while It then becomes possible for me to give But I can't go from takers to givers because I don't have anything. And I thought for a long time that it was my willingness to give that would keep the channel open between me and God. I don' t believe it anymore. I believe it's my willingness to receive because that contains humility. It's been my experience that when you're hurting and I get the chance to love on you and do these things you've taught me, I get this wonderful closeness to God from that experience. When it's My turn to receive if I don''t let you know, I block your chance to get close to God by giving. I think it's the second most selfish act there is. I think suicide's first. Yeah. So I have to remember that it's important for me. I know a lot about this stuff, and I've been with some of the greats, and I haven't been around for a while and have a lot of experience. And the most important things I take to my home group are my mistakes and my pain because it makes it okay for anybody else who respects my program to be real. I think we lose a lot old-timers because they think, you know, I've Been Here So Long, I Shouldn't Be Feeling This, and new people don't need to see this, and they die. And I disagree. It's exactly what the new people need to say. And then you see it's okay to be real. I have to continue to be real here and that's important for me. And I think part of the beginning of that is in step 8. The big book runs steps 8 and 9 together kind of, and I don't have a complaint about that. But the reading on those steps kind of runs together. But I would observe a couple of things. In step 8 what I need is a list of the people I've harmed. If you follow the four-step Bob and I talked about today, it's really easy. It's the fourth column of the resentment inventory and the last column in the sexual misconduct category. And that gets most of them. A little prayer energy and you'll find the rest if there are any. Now you've got a list of people that you owe amends to. And then it asks about the willingness. Here we go again. I count five prayers in steps eight and nine here in the text. The first one is on page 76. About a little past halfway down the page, it says, We subjected ourselves to drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. Here it comes. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes." We don't ask once. We ask until It comes. That's the first of those prayers. The next one, and I'm not saying there aren't more. I've found five. Page 79. The book uses the word sorry. My sponsor refused for me to use the word sorry when I was making amends. He said, you've told them you were sorry long enough. They don't believe you anymore. That word has no power for you anymore or you will not use it. Yes, sir. All right, page 79, first full paragraph. Although these reparations, that's not an apology. It means to repair the damage. Take innumerable forms. There are some general principles that we find guiding. Reminding ourselves we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask, I wonder what that is. I think it's a prayer. We ask that we be given the strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be. That's pretty clear. When the ninth step in the short form refers to this idea about... Well, here, let's take a look at it on page 59. Made direct amends to such people wherever, not whenever, but wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others, I clearly do not fall into the category of others. I clearly do not. Right? From what I just read here back on page 79 asking that we be given the strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be. Top of page 80. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others asked God to help looks like a prayer to me and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink page 82 toward the top of the page perhaps in some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded no outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones be bygomes. Each might pray about it. And listen to the attitude and the prayer. I love this. Having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind. Well, that's not terribly self-centered, is it? Page 83. Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. Now, there are people that disagree with this, and I'm comfortable with it. I want to talk about my own personal experience. I walked out of a meeting one time and a fellow whose sponsor I sponsored stopped me and said that, he said, I disagree with something you said in the meeting. What I had said was that my amends to my children would never be complete. He said, that's not right. Did you go to your children and tell them what you had done wrong? Did you ask for their forgiveness? Did you asked what you could do to make it right? Did they tell you? And did you do it to the best of your ability? I said, yeah, all of that is correct. He says, you're trying to be the best father you can be is not ninth step work it's twelfth it's the principles in all your affairs if you think it's ninth step work you have not accepted their forgiveness or God's or your own and you have work to do my book does not use the phrase continuing amends or living amends and if you're making them and your sponsor says so I think that's great but I got free that day and I sure am watching a lot of kids manipulate us into doing some really sick stuff under the banner of you were a bad parent in the past my amends to my children are complete I'm trying to be a good dad today it's not nine step work it's twelve it's the principles in all my affairs yeah for me red flags this is me again one of the great truths if there isn't anything that's right for me that's wrong for anybody else they may or may not like it it ain't wrong for them when I told my daughter the party was over and I wasn't financing it anymore it was right for her it was great for me and she didn't like it She'll tell you today it wasn't wrong for her. Yeah, it needs to be that way. So this thing about a period of reconstruction, yeah, I've got to build again, but I think that's the principles in all my affairs. That rebuilding for me is not part of amends. Now, those who disagree, I thinkthat's great. Moving right along. We must take to lead a remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past so we see it being careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring to me. But the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family. Here's a prayer, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love. So that's five prayers in those. I think that's really important. I want to talk about, I mentioned earlier and I'm going to say again, if you've been involved in abortion and you're good with it, I'm good with I have no opinion on that. I really don't. But that was a hard one for me, and it's a hard win for some other people. I'm here only helping them try to get free. I'm not talking about political stuff here. I'm really not. And a number of you have come to me already. I'm looking forward to talking to the others. I've got a handout on this, by the way. But I had a big spiritual experience. I haven't got time to talk about it right now. But I was in treatment. I was laying there thinking about that. And I reached bottom, which for me of course was of the Spirit. and I screamed out to God for forgiveness and I got it. And I had this huge white light, beautiful experience. And when I got to step nine, it looked to me like I owed amends to an unborn child. And I didn't think it could be none. From my earliest days, I've been in the hands of people who knew this book. This is page 83 toward the bottom. Some people cannot be seen. We send them an honest letter. Pretty clear. It has been my experience that as we demonstrated earlier, the fourth step isn't much about writing. It's about observations and prayers. It is my experience that this letter is not about writing. It is about tears. And I say, I put that on the same sheet as learn how to cry. If you're interested in one, I've got them stacked over here. I'd love for you to have one. And I got free. I absolutely got freeed. Nothing happens in here when I talk about that. I've been through the forgiveness process. I was abused as a child. Nothing in here happens because I've been through The Forgiveness Process in Step 4. And I think step nine really completes the forgiveness process, and I can't explain that, but I can report it. One of the interesting things is by the time I get a fellow to step nine, his life has changed. He's been promoted at work. He's bringing the paycheck home. He flips the switch. The lights come on. The phone rings, and he's not afraid to answer it. He's sleeping in the big bed. So his motivation is a little bit gone. And he looks and he says, you know, I can't make 140 amends. And I agree, he can't. He'd make one today, make one tomorrow. 140 days from now we'd be done at that rate. And so I applied the day-at-a-time thing to sponsoring someone through Step 9. What amend are you going to make next? Because I don't care which one he makes next. Now sometimes I do. Sometimes fresh from a divorce, he doesn't need to go try to make that one. Let's let that cool a little bit. And I think God bless his sponsorship. You'll know those answers. But let's talk about which one's next. Okay, yeah, right. You need to call that person on the phone and schedule an appointment. When can you call them? Why can't you call him right now? Good. Call me right back. I want to know when the appointment is. Okay, good. Tomorrow at 2 o'clock? Great. Call me at 2.30. I want a hot win. 140 times later, we're done. The other thing I like to do is to start people sponsoring when they get into Step 9. Because one of the things that really keeps them moving is to look over their shoulder and see this rookie gaining on them. They do not want to be passed by someone they're sponsoring. It really, really is a wonderful sponsorship tool in my opinion. I was told that amends are short. My mother didn't need to hear the litany of all the things I had done. That was not going to help her. Most people don't. And I was sold off. I was also told that it's very brief. You say things like, I was wrong. I believe I've hurt you. I'd like to make that right. What can I do? Do you need to talk to me about other things? I don't have to take abuse. I have a decision to make. And also, I think it's kind of interesting that we're not asking you to turn your well and life over to the care of someone that you owe amends to. I sponsored a guy, Big Ken Sweeney. He's gone now. Big Ken said that the day before he got to recovery, he hated everybody and he wished there was more of them. If you'd gone to make amends to Big Ken, you would still be bleeding. my sponsor's final authority on what this amend is I need to hear what they think it is and if it's reasonable I can go for it but my sponsor is finally authority on what that amend is this person isn't and that was important to me the amends are short one of the trickiest ones and I share this again it's just my experience about making amends is I'm phrasing this best I can is for a guy to go to a lady whose charms he's availed himself of lightly and to make amends to her without making her feel cheap. There's no reason for that. And what I like to say is, to suggest that a guy says is that I wasn't as good a friend to you as I could have been. I believe I've harmed you. I'd like to make it right. That's enough. That's not a good thing. That's no good. Making somebody feel cheap is not part of making amends. That's so good. I also recommend do not mess up an amend with an excuse. you'll take all the power out of it. It takes all the power away. There's a wonderful line here on page 84 says we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. It doesn't say God will suddenly begin to do for us What we couldn't do for ourselves. It says my realization will be sudden. That's kind of interesting and that does happen at about that time. My wife came up with something on her own that really helped me a lot, and she calls it good amends. It's where you go back and thank people. I have sins of commission, things I did, and sins of omission, things I should have done. And one of the things I didn't do was thank people who deserve to be thanked in my life. And I heard her talk about that. And this, I'll tell you what's great fun is making what she calls good amens. I went back to the man that was my major professor in college, and I thanked him. And I went back and I thank the man that taught me to fly. And I don't know if it did anything for them. I can tell you it did for me. I'm under assignment, by the way, by my sponsor. I have a sponsor and I am sponsored. Those are separate concepts like going to work and working. Not necessarily the same thing, right? You got that? And one of my assignments is to spread the joy. And I'll talk about that for just a little bit because it has to do with amends. And there was a Christmas day and we ran out of milk. So at halftime, I raced down to the convenience store. I grabbed a gallon of milk. I rased over to the counter and I got a gift. I didn't do this. I received a gift and the gift was this part of me saw a human being standing behind a counter probably making minimum wage on Christmas Day and the gifts were the gift for me was that this part of me saw him and said to him thank you for working on Christmas day. Man, I bet there's someplace you'd rather be. But you see, my family ran out of milk Look, if you hadn't come to work today, I couldn't have gotten in. I really appreciate you being here. Thank you. And he and I both cried. It touches me now. What a gift. So I try to really, really say thank you as much as I can. Anybody here ever been over-thanked? Yeah, especially on the weekend. When I fly home tomorrow on Sunday, I'll thank all the airline employees that I see for working on the weekend. Thank you for working. Thank you, sir, for working hard on the weekend. Yeah. It's a really neat way. We raise the level of love in this world by doing loving things. Yeah, it's really a lot of fun. I talked just a little bit about, and again, this is me, but I look at why do I do a ninth step? It's to cleanse my own side. And hopefully as a side effect, we'll have a positive impact on these other folks. Page 66. and it's okay if they don't accept the amend it's also okay if they don' t remember me others have had that experience man didn't touch their reality about the middle of the page it says for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit what I believe is that one of these days My Soul Will Stand Naked Before My Creator. And we will review this movie I've made called Scott's Life. And there are some places in there, some really ugly stuff. There are some place in there where I've done some things that have damaged some people that have every right to their resentments. And if the book's right and those resentments block me off from the sunlight of the Spirit, then maybe they're blocking them from the spotlight of the spirit. and I'm going to want to be able to point at another frame in that movie where I tried to remove that blockage I'm not responsible for the result but I am sure responsible for the action this thing I was talking about, freedom is embracing the results of my own actions I have to try, it doesn't have to work but I haveと try I think it's just critically, critically important I was taking earlier about that amends letter to someone that's to anybody that's gone Grandparent Someone you can't find It's a spectacular event And it doesn't work if you can' t cry That's why I put it on the back of that thing About learning to cry Because I've watched people who can't cry to do that And all they get is a sinus infection Because that stuff blocks up in there And they just simply don't get free They just don't They just get free I'm about out of gas And I think I'm going to call it off right there I am, I want you to know Slightly offended that the speaker tonight is a special speaker and we're just Bob and Scott. Good job. Where's Rick? Rick, you've got some announcements to make and then I'll close us with the Lord's Prayer. Rick, you've got some announcements to make and then I'll close us with the Lord's Prayer. fellows, and a much-needed new experience in my own recovery. Amen. Amen. If they change their mind, they're going to let you do it again. We're going try to kind of recap a little bit on a couple things on Step 8 and 9 before we move into the living, the maintenance. They're not really maintenance steps, they're growing steps. Yeah, growth steps. People call them the maintenance steps. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous, in a weird kind of way, was founded on Step 8. Some of you know the story of Bill and Bob. They met in the Cyberling Gatehouse, Mother's Day, May 12th, 1935. Bill needed to talk to Bob. Bob didn't want to talk with Bill. Matter of fact, Bob's son had become pretty good friends over the years And I used to love to listen to him tell the story about being in the car with his dad. His mother was a strong woman, pre-Alanon, strong woman. Bringing him to talk to this Yankee about his drinking. And, you know, Bob had people talking to him about his drinkin' for years. When you're an alcoholic, people show up to talk about your drinkin'. I mean, that's just the way it is. And so he's diggin' his feet in, but he's guilty. You know how it is? you've been on a run, you just came off a run and yes dear. So he's going, he doesn't want to go and he says 15 minutes. Please promise me I can't take none of this Yankees preaching. 15 minutes, I'll put up with that then you've got to get me out of here and they agreed I'll get 15 minutes in. He went in there and to his surprise and delight and amazement Bill Wilson didn't talk to Dr. Bob about Dr. Bobs drinking. Talked to Dr Bob about Bill's drinking. and he had never heard anybody do that. And he was enthralled, and he stayed in there for hours. And Bill had outlined a program of action that he had sort of put together from elements out of the Oxford group and some things that he got from Silkworth and some other places, and he presented it to Dr. Bob, and Dr.Bob was enthrawled with it. He thought it was great. He loved every aspect of it except for the amends. And he said, you know, Bill, you don't understand. I've really jacked my reputation off in this community as it is. Let's just leave that alone. I like everything else. I like the talk of spiritual matters, the prayer meditation. I like The Confession of Shortcomings. I like camaraderie. I like helping others. I like it all. but not the immense and he dug his feet in and he wouldn't do step eight nine which later wasn't called that eight nine then but it later became known as that and consequently dr bob drank again and he didn't stay sober he went to a medical convention in atlantic city he was so drunk coming back that the conductor didn't know what he was he was unconscious that the The conductor laid him on the platform in the Akron station, called his office manager, this gal who was one of the first untreated Al-Anons who came down again to rescue him and take care of him. And she didn't know what to do with him. And she eventually called Ann, his wife. And Bill Wilson was living there. And they came down to get him, took him home to the house on Ardmore Street and put him to bed because he was such a mess. And he came to early in the morning on what most historians, except for one who's not sure if it's right, most historians believe was June 10th, 1935. Early in the morning. He comes to like we all come to. Vibrating. Shaken, full of remorse and guilt and jumpy, kind of with the whips and jingles and all that other stuff he comes to and he's oh my god and bill and ann are there what day is it and they said it's june 10th he said oh it can't be june10th not june-10th he says look at me i have a surgery to perform this morning and dr bob was a proctologist so you can imagine the whatever kind of surgery this must have been and um god imagine being that patient watching your surgeon come in like that oh man so he was so it was so shaky that bill didn't know what to do so bill gave him a couple drinks and of sedative and they sent him into the surgery and uh we don't know what happened i know a couple historians that have researched the akron hospital archives trying to find out what happened to this patient and they can't find out. All we know from AA literature is that he lived. I understand why these archivists are trying to find out, I mean I'd like to know did he whistle when he walked or what? But they know he lived and well you know and the surgery was over that morning and Dr. Bob disappeared and nobody knew where he was and Bill was afraid as I would have been afraid you know, he's on a run he's got to be on a running I shouldn't have given those two beers those two drinks this morning he's probably on a runner which would be a logical conclusion with what we know about the phenomenon of craving but he wasn't on a ride but he stayed disappeared all that morning all that afternoon into the evening and he came home and there was something different about him and they found out that he had been out searching every person he could find that he owed amends to and walking through that fear and facing those people and consequently Dr. Bob never drank again and I don't and consequently that was the day that Alcoholics Anonymous looks to as its founding and i don't know what would have become of us if dr bob would have dug his heels in one more time and said no bill i'm not going to do that part of the program so in a weird kind of sense aa was really founded on step eight on finally dr bob's willingness to go to any lengths and when it talks in the big book and you hear people one of the most misconceived notions in Alcoholics Anonymous is that willing to go to lengths means willing to not drink and go to meetings. That's not it if you look at where it talks about willing to going to lengths in the Big Book they're talking about amends, they're talking about step 8 and 9 which is really the hardest thing I think that we do here. Now I know Father Ed Dowling is quoted in the 12 by 12, saying that step six is the one that separates the men from the boys. But I'll tell you something. In my view, in my experience, step eight and nine is the hardest thing we ever do here. You know, everything, when you think about it, everything up until this point in this process is relatively low risk, relatively low exposure. I mean you have to the highest risk thing you have to do is your fifth step prior to step eight and nine your fifth step but you know we check those guys out we don't take our fifth step with anybody we're checking that guy out we're hedging our bet we're pretty sure this guy's not a gossip he's not going to blab what we're telling him so we minimize the risk on that but now we're about to go out into the world and face everyone we're afraid to face and pay back money that we really need more than they do. I mean, that's always true. I always need it more than you do. More than they did. So I have exposure and I have risk financially, I have emotionally, physically some amends. I had some amendes where in my mind they're going to beat me up they're gonna hit me with a baseball bat I had other amends where I was relatively I was convinced I was going to go to prison for a couple years but I faced them because I didn't have a choice the book reminds us remember it says remember that we agreed to go to any length for victory over alcohol remember and it really comes down to a matter of life and death one of the there's a line in working with others that talks about our how the frame of mind and the perception and perspective that we approach people are trying to help and i use this line also in step eight nine with the guys i sponsor and the line says is that we approach the new man the way we would like to be approached if the tables were turned and I think that is also a solid spiritual approach and a perception approach to step 8 and 9 I got to get others centered enough to put myself in their shoes and experience and know what it must have felt like to have done to me what I had done to them and when I get that then I will intuitively know how to approach that person because I'm really approaching the me that is in them and if I do that and I say the things and do the things that I would like to have said and done to me if I'd been hurt like they'd been heard by somebody it will turn out good you know this line that Scott talked about at the top of page 83, it says there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. That's really you know, Scott was talking about he doesn't believe in a living amends and I understand, I know exactly what he's saying, but at the same time from my experience, before the relationship and the separation with people sometimes is mended it really does take a long period of reconstruction. A simple saying, I was sorry and paying them a little money after I battered them emotionally for years often isn't really enough to make it okay yet. And Chuck Chamberlain used to stand at the podium and rub his hands together and he'd cackle in this funny voice and talk about rubbing away the wreckage by good works and good deeds. And sometimes we act our way into different relationships and mended relationships by good works. I know with my parents, I had given them such an emotional battering for decades. One of the worst things I did to my mom and dad is I kept getting up on my feet again. And then they would get their hopes up and they'd think I'm going to be all right and then I would slam them again. And I didn't do that once or twice, I did that, that was an ongoing process with me. And all the times I'd lied to them and disappointed them. So my first approach to them in making the amends did not mend the separation, but it was a beginning. And it took a long period of reconstruction ahead. You know, I can't, you know, the countless, I remember the first time people in AA told me to do things with my parents that didn't make any sense to me I was willing to accept that I would never have them in my life and I knew that I was the guy that did it and I know that they loved me and I destroyed that and I new it was irreparable but people in Alcoholics Anonymous didn't care what I thought they said you're going to start sending your mom and dad cards and little notes and you're going to call your mom on a regular basis and you are not going to call collect I remember the first time I called her I said Mom it's hi it's Rob how are you doing and she says are you in Pennsylvania no I'm in Nevada the operator didn't come and ask me to pay for the call so I said I paid for the phone I never even forget that her voice went up an octave she went you paid for The Call she couldn't believe it I don't, I, you know, I'm a taker. My parents are, they're the welfare state. You know, they owe me or something. I have some kind of sick, distorted sense of entitlement. I don' t know what I mean. And I started doing things like that and I started to rub away this wreckage very slowly and it was very slowly. One of my favorite stories, there was a gal named, and she told me I could share this And I love sharing a part of her story because I was there for the whole thing. I watched this gal get sober. Her name was Chelsea. Chelsea was a neat gal. She's still, I see her on a regular basis. And Chelsea came from a family, a father, a family who had a father. Her father was very racist. He was very bigoted. He was very almost like off-the-charts Ku Klux Klan-ish kind of guy. I mean, he was that kind of a guy, right? And Chelsea fell in love with this black guy, and they got married and had a couple just gorgeous kids. And when she married him, her father went ballistic and cussed her out and called her names and just wouldn't have anything to do with her and rejected her. and she gets sober and she's got this big time resentment towards her father a resentment that almost anyone that would hear about it would agree with her yeah, he's an idiot he's asshole everybody would agree except her sponsor and her sponsor really believed in the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous this ethic that we put ahead of our own judgments and our own prejudices and she said that we're not going to pay any attention to what an idiot your dad is we're going to disregard the other person involved entirely what kind of a daughter have you been and in that light she used all the indiscretions and the wrongs of her father to justify being a lousy daughter really and so her sponsor's direction was and she didn't like it I remember she used to bitch about it in meetings She had to send her father cards and letters and pictures of the kids and nice little notes and presents. And sometimes, and often, she'd call him and he'd cuss her out and hang up on her, you know. And she never got a response. She never got her gift back. She never get anything. And our sponsor kept pushing her to do it, and she did it month after month, year after year in the face of rejection and adversity four and a half years later she comes to my home group with a letter and she starts to read this letter from her father and in the letter her father talks about how ashamed of himself he's been for how he's treated her and those kids and he opened and confided in her about some things that had happened to him as a child and how he grew up. And he said, I'm so sorry I've been this way. And he says, there's no words to tell you about my shame. And he say, I know. This is the part when she read this part of the letter I started weeping because in the letter he said I know I have no right to have you and those kids in my life but if you would ever give me a chance i would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and i i sat in that meeting she's reading us and i'm weeping and everybody in the room's weeping because we'd been there with her we've heard we sat in the meetings and listened to her rant and rave about this idiot and i sat there and i was overwhelmed with the power that was that had i saw witnessed in this thing that had interchanged between her and her father and i realized that there's a There's a spiritual principle in the universe that you cannot continue to fight and be adversarial with someone who is continually on your side. You can't do it. You can do it for a while, the hate and prejudice and fear, but eventually you feel like an idiot doing that. And the power of love is guaranteed and assured as the winds that erode the mountains. The problem is it takes a while. And most of us, myself included especially, are very event-oriented people. I want to make the amends. I want the parade and the fireworks, okay? Right, look what I did. And sometimes when it says in the book there's a long period of reconstruction, I tell you, I'm so proud of Chelsea and the other members of Alcoholics Anonymous that I've witnessed that would continue to take right loving action in the face of adversity. And eventually if you persist, the love will overcome the fear and resentment and hate. Eventually. But if you have a short attention span, it's hard. It's hard because we want the good. want the payoff right now. You know, that's why we drank. I could drink, you know, most people to be a big shot and really could be a success in life, they go to school and they go to law school or med school, become a doctor or lawyer. I Could just go into a bar, have seven or eight drinks and I was a brain surgeon. I don't have to go to school. I can add instantaneous there, right? I could be anything I wanted to be and so that's that's a and that's kind of my experience with my family I also had the same experience that Scott had with the letter I had my grandfather uh had died before I got sober and I had to write him a letter and I was I did exactly what it says in the book it says write them an honest letter and in that letter I told my grandfather I thank my grandfather for being so kind to me and how he was so wonderful to me as a little kid. And I told him how sorry I was that on the morning of the funeral of his wife of 60 some years, that the night before I'd found the drugs she'd been on before she died. And he had to find me in a pool of blood laying on the floor of his house with a needle in my arm. On the morning he was burying his wife for 60 years. and I told him how sorry I was to have done that to him and hit him with that on the worst day of his life. And I told Him everything I would have liked to have told Him if I could have sat across a kitchen table with Him. And I took that letter, and I took it up into the desert, and I read it and weeped, andI burnt it. And I'll tell you, I felt that my grandfather's spirit got that letter. and something that was a ghost that haunted me was put to rest and there was a resolve within my spirit about my grandfather and his memories today in my life are very sweet they're wonderful I'm not haunted by him anymore he is within rest, within my Spirit and I think that a lot of the oriental philosophies and religions have believed that we are tied to our ancestors, our family members. And I think there's a part of my grandfather and my father and my mother that live within my heart. And I must be right with that or I will not be right with myself. And I was able to do that through that letter with the people and also some other people that had died. The two hardest amends I ever had to make I'll tell you just briefly about the hardest amends I ever had to make and it was for something I did sober when you make amends for things you did while you're drinking you can hide behind, well I was drunk it wasn't this before AA you can kind of hang it all on that what's really hard is something you've done As a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, when you're sober, you can't hide behind the drinking anymore. And when I was about a year sober, I went to work in this store as a cashier, and it was for minimum wage. And I was struggling, and I'm trying to pay some people back some things I had to pay, and I've been living paycheck to paycheck and barely making it every week. And after I'd been working there a little while, It was a Thursday, and I got paid Friday, and I ran out of cigarettes. And I had a heavy cigarette addiction, tobacco addiction in those days, like three packs a day. And I'm out of cigarets. And one of the things we sold in that store were cigarettes. So I thought to myself, as I usually do, I'll take a pack of cigarettes, and then tomorrow when I get my paycheck, I'll cash it through the register, and I'll ring it up, and it'll be fine. And it seemed a reasonable rationalization to me. I took the cigarettes, I started smoking them. The next day I get my paycheck, I'm cashing out of the register. The thought goes through my mind, oh, I've got to bring up those cigarettes. And the thought was easily surplanted with the idea, you know, I really work harder than anybody else here. I come early, I stay late. You know, I am not making very much money. You know everybody does this kind of thing to some degree. I bet you it's factored into the cost of operation. And I never rang those cigarettes up, and I opened a door, and I started supporting my cigarette habit from stealing cigarettes. And then I threw in a six-pack of Diet Coke after a while every time I'd have a couple days off to take home with me. And I started to get sick, and I didn't know what was going on. It's funny, in the realm of the spirit I do something over here, and sometimes I get sick over there. And I started getting sick in a lot of areas in my life. I started going to meetings. I started judging my way right out of AA. I started Going to Meetings. And really, I became so aware of how all the hypocrites in AA. Oh, man, the phony people here. Oh, boy, were they full of a lot Of crap. There was a lot of people here lying here and just doing, you know, real. It just became so clear to me. I was dating a gal at the time. I started picking her apart. And the guy I was working for who was really a great boss, one of the best bosses I'd had probably my whole life, who treated me very well, I started pickin' him apart too. And you can pick anybody apart when you get that perception. I mean, you could do that to Mother Teresa. You could find fault with her if you have that kind of headset. And I started doing that, and I'm getting weirder and weirter and more and more locked up inside myself and more and more alone, and i'm not doing very well here. And I get down on my knees one night after this has been going on for a long time, and I say my nightly prayers as I've been trained to do, and I'm saying, thanking God for the day of sobriety. And I just yelled out. I just said, God, what the hell is going on here? And the minute I asked the question, intuitively I got the answer. I knew it. It was just a clear thing. I knew that I am whacked here because I've been stealing from my work for all these months. And it's just an intuitive thing and I knew the truth. And I didn't want to know the truth because my head started working like a computer figuring it out. You think three packs a day of cigarettes is not a big deal. You do that for seven or eight or nine months, it adds up. It was a lot of money, money I don't have to pay back. And so I'm terrorized because, first of all, even though my boss is a nice guy, he has zero tolerance for theft, which is natural in retail. I watched him scream at and throw a guy out of his store that worked there because he caught him stealing. And I knew what I was facing. I was going to have to go to him. And I know he was goingto fire me and throw me out of there and it was not going to be good. And I don't even have the money to pay him. If I would have had the money, it wouldn't have been so bad. You know, I could have went to him with a check or something and made the grandiose gesture of the prodigal son who's learned his lesson. You know? It would have been great. But I don't even have the money to pay him. I'm going to lose my job. I'm gonna have to go somewhere else, get another job without a recommendation. I'm out of a void in my resume, right? Of where I can't even talk about this thing. And then I'm gong to have to pay them back. And I think the worst thing of all was that the guy I worked for had heard me on many occasions prattle on about my rigorous program of honesty and alcoholics and all this stuff. Oh man, it was brutal. Oh, I'm telling you. I went to this guy and I just, about halfway through it, I was so ashamed of myself, I started crying. Then I felt really pathetic, you know. I said, I don't think it was, I don'T know if I've ever felt worse in my life. It was awful. And he didn't fire me. He yelled at me, but he didn'T fire me and he let me stay working there and I paid him back. I added 10% onto my estimate and added another 50 bucks on top of that because I know how I am. I'm a minimizer, right? If there's a mistake in my calculations, it ain't in your favor. You know what I'm saying? I know who I am, I've been that way all my life, right. So I added another 10% and another 50 dollars just to be sure and I paid that guy back. And it took a long time. I mean, it took a long time. And I'll tell you a funny, I didn't get this for a long time. Within 30 days of making that last payment, a guy came to me. Now, I wasn't looking for this. He came to me out of nowhere and offered me a job with a management position and a chance to really advance to like running a whole company, a whole business. And I went and took that job. And I tell you something, I never took a dime from him. I never took a ballpoint pen home out of that place. And I gave him, I gave him a dime for his nickel. And within no time at all I was running that place and I was doing very well. And it was making him a lot of money and he was taking good care of me. And i'm in a Denny's restaurant one night and the guy that I used to work for and stole from and paid back was sitting in there with his wife and I started talking to him. I said how you doing? And he was a little down in the dumps. I say what's going on? He said well, he says I've been wanting to retire. He says, I'm burnt out and I tried to sell the store and I couldn't. The deal fell through because it had a gambling license and a liquor license were part of the store. And the guy that was buying it couldn't get the approval and he got it back in his lap. And I don't know why I said this. I don'T know. These words were not of me, but I said to him, God, I'd love to buy your store if I only had the money. And he looked at me and he said, what's your day off? And I told him. He said, let's have lunch. And we had lunch. And I met him at the same restaurant as Denny's. And he's got this paperwork all there. And he showed me on paper some stuff. And he made me a proposition if you come back to work for me and run my business. And he said it's not doing very good right now because nobody's really been at the helm. But if you can run it, you can get the profit up to a certain level out of that additional profit. You will earn a piece of the business. If you keep it to this level, you'll get 10% a year. At the end of five years, we'll be equal, and I want you to buy me out. And you can buy me up out of the profits of the businesses. It won't cost you a dime. And I said, yeah, you bet. And I went to work there, and that company was doing about $600,000 a year, and at one point I started opening other stores, and we were up to about $10 million a year at one time. I sold the last pieces of that corporation, except for the real estate, which I still own and the business had paid for over the years, last year. And I'm retired. I'm a retired younger than anybody I know. I retired well. And as a result of that amends, I wouldn't have had that business if it wouldn't been for that amaze. and not only am I grateful for that for Alcoholics Anonymous my daughter who is 17 is grateful because she will be in good shape for the rest of her life as a result of that amends and her children's children's children will be alright as a resultado of that because of the real estate that's involved and I don't know I was on my knees in a little beat up apartment several years sober and I stood at a turning point. And maybe, maybe I could have swept it under the rug and not drank. I don't know. I suspect I might have drank over it. Or I might've just gotten so weird in AA that I'd been a fringer on the edge just suffering acutely from alcoholism waiting for the Prozac generation to evolve so I could be a drinker. So I could get something for my alcoholism. I might of been that guy. but i wouldn't have the life i have today i know that and i'll tell you what i've discovered over the years and i i get a lot of guys that are sober a long time and they're financially disaster financial disasters and some of these guys have made really good money over the years and it's a weird thing they'll they'll tell me things like i make more money than i've ever made the more money i make the broker and more of debt I get and they'll say things like that to me and they will have their credit cards maxed out in their financial disaster areas and I will start to work with them and without exception we will always find that there is unmade financial amends and it's usually ones that they can get away with and nobody could ever touch them for and they kind of slide with it but you never get away with anything here really and i got a guy right now who uh he's almost 20 years sober and he's been a disaster for a long time and he is chipping away he is almost done and he has more than half way through but he is not done yet and his life is turning around financially already and i think it is some kind of carmactic thing that happens you know if anybody here has seen the movie flatliners i think that's a ninth step amends movie it's about these doctors that find out that are haunted by these things that come back into their life as a result of these experiences these laboratory controlled experiences with death and they're haunted by these ghosts that they think are killing them and it's not the ghost there's a scene where this one doctor he thinks there's this little boy trying to stab him with a knife and then for a brief second it shows what's really going on he's the guy with the knife right and i'm the guy who destroys my own life because i ain't even and yet when i when you're in the middle of that you never get that because it doesn't look like it looks like a lot of bad luck it looks Like they're doing this it looks I can't get a break but I am the guy behind I'm the guy behind the curtain pulling the strings I just don't know it and one of the things that happens when you make my friend Clint says something I love he says there's a tremendous difference between doing all your amends and all of them but one tremendous difference I've loved to watch people clear up the wreckage of their past and what happens, it seems like we get lucky when we do that. We get lucky. There's a promise on page 127 of the book and this was pointed out to me in early sobriety and I think that this is one of the greatest and truest principles the middle of the the middle of the page in that paragraph the fourth line down it says although financial recovery is on the way for many of us we found we could not place money first for us and here's the promise the cause and effect it says for us material well-being always followed spiritual progress, it never preceded it. And you can look around your home group and you can see the guys that put money first and they come in and they build these tremendous lives and within seven or eight years it all falls down on them. And they do the same thing. I got one guy, he calls me his sponsor. I'm not his sponsor, he called me once every three years whether he needs to or not. I mean, I'm no sponsor. But he has made and lost millions and he's always broke. right he starts these big companies and they go like this and then and then he goes starts he's down to sleeping on somebody's couch again 15 years sober and then it goes up builds another company and and i think that it's impossible for me to progress materially until i progress spiritually first because what happens I will create a life of abundance I secretly know I don't deserve and I will find a way to make my outsides match my insides eventually one way or another. I think I am compelled to make the world to make me make my outsiders match my insights. And if I have a life that I secretly in the back of my head know I do not deserve because I am not even and I know what I did to those people and I never made it right. I know these people over here I never paid back. I think I get away with something. I don't get away with something because I'll turn it on myself. I will eventually get even with I am destined to get even one way or another. One way or other. I can't avoid that spiritual truth. And I will either get even by making it right to you and paying back the money and making the amends or I will get even with me and continue to get Even with me and I will continue to sabotage my own life. And the problem is when I do that, I never get it. I don't know that I'm doing that. It never occurs to me that I am doing that Someone would step back and look at my life if they are going to come to either one conclusion Either you are doing this to you or you are the greatest bad luck magnet on the planet anyway I'm real big on amends I think sometimes it's the last frontier Scott morning I'm Scott Lee I'm an alcoholic I ran out of these little handouts I had some more printed if you need one they're right up here I was reminded as Bob was talking And around my part of the world, we do the nine-step promises as part of the opening of the meeting. Somebody one time made the mistake of handing the promises to a girl that was still in treatment. And she did the greatest misread of all time, I think. And here it is. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will level us. Another one I heard in a meeting one time that I just loved. And this girl wasn't trying to be profound or make anybody laugh like I am. But what she said was, I'm having trouble getting a grip on letting go. Don't you love that? And something else to say at my home group is that you take your problems to your sponsor. You take your solutions to your meeting. We're having better meetings since we got to that. Talk a little bit about step 10. We're on page 84. Middle of the page, this thought brings us to step 10, I suggest we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes. I think as we go along is the active phrase here. I personally separate steps 10 and 11 this way. For me, the morning half of step 11 is checking in with God and the evening half of Step 11 is checking out. I have a new employer. I clock in. I clock out. Step 10 is as we do this, as we move along. It has to do with staying present in my own life moment by moment through the day. That's the difference. I don't do a 10-step inventory at night, I do an 11-step embroidery at night. I do a ten-step inquiry during the day and I think there's a slogan that applies to that and that's easy does it because when I'm running Mach 2 with my hair on fire I don' t notice it as I make the mistakes and also it talks about on page 59 the short form of the step says continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it If I wait until 11.15 tonight to take the inventory, I can't very well promptly admit it now, can I? So it's about being present in my own life moment by moment. That's what this is about. And I have to slow down if that's going to happen for me. And I thought Bob made a great point about the when. It's when we were wrong, not if. We are not saints. Further down the page, our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I believe this is the first time they've asked me to understand anything. A friend of mine tells a story of calling his sponsor one day and he says, he says sponsor, he says I've been thinking and then click. Saji we got cut off. So he dialed the number again and he said to the sponsor he says yeah. He says I haven't been thinking and then I click. Called back the third time and started to say wait a minute I don't remember telling you to think. That wasn't your assignment. It hadn't been about understanding yet. And now it's telling me at this point I can begin to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I think it's because I've taken the trash out by now. I've dug the poison out of my soul, the hatred in step four. I've douged the old anger out, the resentments. I'm in the process of outgrowing the fears. I have a new sexual ideal that I'm living up to. I'm prepared to make the amends. I've invited God to take all of me, good and bad. I have an idea I have done everything I can to make those amends so I've taking the trash out. And we're going to offer this thing to God. Let's clean it up first. The book doesn't say anything at all about God doing for me what I could have done for myself. So I have to do my part, and now at this point with the trash taken out, I can begin to grow in understanding and effectiveness. It's not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. We chased that one through the book earlier, but I find that on about eight or nine different pages. And then it says when these crop up. That's not if. Alright, that's when. I want to talk, too. I know a lot of people here are under a year. I'm really thrilled that you're here. One of the things I was taught in early recovery is what I was going to say when someone offered me a drink because it's not an if question. If you take that as an if-question, it can leave you kind of shaky. And I came up with an answer, and the answer that I give is no thanks, I've had enough. Now there's a danger with that one that happened in a business situation one time. And some people who didn't know me were with me, myself and my business partners and we were in a bar waiting for our table in a restaurant and everybody ordered a drink and I ordered an orange juice and this other guy said well wouldn't you rather have a drink and I said no thanks I've had enough and my partners came apart laughing and we had to tell them why and it didn't hurt us I never have found a place where being in recovery has harmed my business nowhere has it ever harmed my бизнес so when these crop up what's the series of events I'm supposed to take when these crop up item one pray we ask god this is the first of two prayers in step 10 we ask God to remove them we discuss them with someone immediately I would think a sponsor a spiritual advisor somebody else that feels to you like they're solidly on the path make amends quickly can't do that if I wait till 11 o'clock tonight if we've harmed them and then sit and beat myself up no it says then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. The prescription for helping me is to help you. And I'm not going to read them all, I bet there's a hundred references to this in the book. Just a couple of them. Forward to the second edition, Roman numeral 16, XVI. Forward to the second addition. Last paragraph at the bottom of the page begins with this physician and count up four lines from that. It says, He suddenly realized that in order to save himself, he must carry his message to another alcoholic. Newcomers, we need to sponsor you. Can I see a show of hands of the people in this room who are not willing to sponsor but eager to sponsor a newcomer? We mean that. If you're new and don't have one, please, please, do someone a favor allow them to sponsor you. Next page at the top, XVII. It also indicated that strenuous work that's not occasionally when it's really convenient and there's nothing on TV I want to watch strenuous work one alcoholic with another was vital you know once he has a death threat this is only if you want to live vital to permanent recovery page 14 last paragraph at the bottom of the page my friend had emphasized the absolute necessity wonder how important that is the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me and then the one I quoted earlier the last line for if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others he could not survive that's another death threat the certain trials and low spots ahead we promise you trials and no spots and I love this next paragraph here's my life encapsulated in a paragraph my wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm this is Bill's story to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution to their problems. It was fortunate for my old business associates to remain skeptical for a year and a half. Okay, don't think the people around you are going to be impressed by a 60-day chip. It may take them a while. Don't let that bother you. Stay on the path. He says, during which I found little work. I was not too well at the time. I was plagued. How do you like that word? Plagued! By waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I've gone to my old hospital in despair. How do you love that? Despair. This is the prescription for when you have depression. Despair, go to a hospital, take a meeting into a jail, get into a treatment center. I'm talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is designed for living that works in rough going. Page 20. and say, I'm just going to get a few of these but I think it's important to hammer this one home. Top of page 20, first line, our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. On page 62 it had said above everything we had to be rid of this selfishness. They're saying it in different words here. Page 70, we covered this one in step 4 last night but I hit it again in the middle of the page. If sex is very troublesome we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. Quiet's the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartache. I'll do one more, page 89. Very top. Practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. Back to page 84. So what it says, the series of events when these crop up is ask God at once to remove them, that's pray. discuss them with someone immediately probably a sponsor make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help that's the prescription now we know what to do with our mistakes we have a very, very clear set of directions what to doing when we make mistakes it says we have ceased finding anything or anyone even alcohol page 113 I'm sorry, 103 italics at the bottom of 103 after all our problems were of our own making bottles were only assembled besides we have stopped fighting anybody or anything we have to I got to get out of the fight got to go back to the bottom of 84 for by this time sanity will have returned boy there's a promise we will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame if your history with booze is like mine that is a sane reaction. I'm told there are two kinds of sanity. There's sanity of mind and there's sanity of action. And I think sanity of action is the important one. My sponsor told me that in the history of this planet no human has ever been put in an insane asylum for being insane. It's never happened. They put us in there for acting insane. And nobody's ever been let out of one of those places for being sane. They let us out for acting sane. So on the days when the squirrel cage is spinning up here, and you've got all these wonderful ideas. If you don't act on them, they won't know. And you can walk around on the street like everybody else. Sanity of action. We'll find that this has happened automatically. We'll see that our new attitude to liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. I think that's easily misunderstood. If you've done everything we've talked about to this point, you will have put in tremendous effort. But the observation is the effort hasn't been involved in booze. It hasn't been involved in changing your attitude. We haven't been focused on the problem of booze because we've put