Roger B. – Steps 10-12 – Practicing the Presence of a Higher Power – 2016

Yeah, thanks. Morning. The diehards are here, right? You know, I was talking to some people about their experience of the weekend. It's like standing in a waterfall. There's so much emotion. There's so much information. There's so much experience, you know. When you've got a lineup of speakers, you've got a couple hundred years of sobriety, a couple hundred years of what works and a couple hundred years of what doesn't, you know. It's pretty impressive. I'm Roger. I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober since October 11th, 1978. I'm not religious. If you're religious, fine. I've got no problem with that. Please don't have a problem with me. But I came. This has been a long, long road for me because I came here defiant and atheistic. And the steps and your testimony wore that down over time. But it took a long time. And there's ultimately, there's a few things we learned to do here. Everything is predicated on this. I've got to get a concept of God that I'm willing to work with. A concept that makes sense. To me, that is going to eliminate light bulbs, doorknobs and ashtrays. Because I'm betting my life on this relationship, right? So there's three things I'm going to learn to do here. I'm going to learn to pray. I'm going to learn to meditate. And I'm going to learn self-evaluation inventory. That's the whole deal. And out of that, I'm going to build my new life. So part of. What works when you're. If you're new and you're stuck with this, I don't know what this God idea is about what it is. We can start with the deconstruction. What is it not? You know, I don't believe in God. Well, what do you believe in? You know, because everyone believes in something, right? What do you believe in? What would you turn if there was? What would you turn your will and your life? Well, OK, let's start with this. What would you not turn your will and your life over to? I would not turn my will and my life over to. I would not turn my will and my life over to. I would not turn my will and my life over to. I would not turn my will and my life over to. I would not turn it over to something that didn't have my highest interest. At heart, I would not turn it over to something that wasn't constructive. I would not turn it over to something that was punishing. I would not turn it over to something that set me up just to pull the rug out from me every once in a while, every five years. So you don't get too cocky, right? Not going to do that, right? So you can do it by process of elimination from that side. I. I told you earlier in the weekend, there was something, there was stuff happening in my life that was inexplicable to me. It was phenomenal. I could observe it, but I had no idea where it came from or what it meant. But damn it, stuff was happening that was inexplicable. And I assigned to that the first label was a mystery. It's a mystery, right? And then down a little further down that road, it was a power. But part of my definition of that power is if this power is infinite in its nature, then it's unknowable. So part of my relationship with this godly has got to be mystery. Just a mystery. I can't know it, but I can feel it. That's why we talk about practicing the presence of God, the feel of God. So I found out some things I'm not. I'm not a god. I'm not a god. I'm not what I do. I'm not what I have. I'm not my money. I'm not separate from you. I'm not my mistakes. I'm not my pain. I'm not even my body. That's a little more advanced down the road, you know what I'm saying? . But then what am I? And the book describes it in a bunch of different ways, but one of the ways to see it, deep down in Every Man, Woman, Child is a fundamental idea of God. Idea of God. And they used to talk about AA being really first-century Christianity, right? And when you look at that, what Jesus taught was consciousness. Jesus didn't have dogma. Jesus taught consciousness. So we see it all over the place. . the place. You reap what you sow. Garbage in, garbage out. Right? What you focus on, what the mind focuses on expands. Don't see the world as it is. You see it as you are. All those things are telling me it's about pay attention to what you're focusing on. Because that's going to become your life. So, long road. So they said, you've got to learn how to pray. And several speakers have said this over the weekend about hitting your knees. I was too defiant to hit my knees. I'm not going to hit my knees. So here's my concept. First off, I got no concept of God when I started. I got a mystery. I got some power going. Okay, fine. I can turn my will and my life over to the care of the mystery. Right? Fine. But, now we get this technology, prayer and meditation technologies or techniques if you will, that I have to adapt. That's what the step says. It says, sought through prayer and meditation. Seeking is an action. It doesn't say seek until you get your car back. It doesn't say seek until you get your relationship. Seek until you're out of debt. Seek until the IRS is paid off. It says seek. The methodology is prayer and meditation. To do one thing. Improve my conscious contact with the power. Then it says, here's one prayer for you. Pray for the knowledge of God's will. And the power to carry it out. They knew us so well. I know what God's will is. But I have very little desire. Right? So, show me the direction and give me some gas and the keys for the car. Because I don't want to go. Because it never, to the ego, to the false self, it never looks. Like it's going to be a good idea. Right? I was, it's so funny that God would put people like me in this position. Because I just was such a trade wreck. Right? Just, I was a guy in the meeting that blew up the meeting. Anytime anyone said anything about God or a synonym for a power, I'd blow the meeting up. I'd start swearing and throwing stuff and they would sit me. down and if I came back again, because my favorite thing was going to random meetings and torturing them. If I came back twice, they'd say, oh. Because what I was wanting them to do was kick me out. Last house on the block and I'm not allowed in. And they didn't. But what they did do is they assigned helpers. This is Charles and this is Hawkeye and they will be your buddies. And we're not interested in your share tonight. Just sit. And I would wrap that third tradition around me and they'd say, yeah, you have a right to be here, but you don't have a right to disrupt the meeting for the other people. So. Over time. So here we go. Prayer. I fashioned a concept that I was willing to work towards. Concepts. An idea, a set of ideas that you form into a little ball, a little pattern. Call it a concept. We call it a design for living. Right? And then you try and operate out of that. And by the results you get, you determine whether the concept is satisfactory or not. So. But prayer. I mean, this is where I started. This was prayer to me. I mean, no disrespect, but this is what it was to me. Put your hand on the screen. We're going to straighten your curly hair. We're going to curl your straight hair. We're going to straighten them teeth. We're going to get rid of them liver spots. We're going to fix your cancer and send 20 bucks. That was prayer to me. So when you said I got to pray, I got no access to that. And they said, I heard the same things you guys said. You got to pray in the morning. You got to pray at night. I didn't hear the thanks for my sobriety or keep me sober. I just heard you got to pray in the morning. You got to pray at night. So I said, okay. That's fill in the blank. Check the box. Did you pray this morning? Yes, I did. Did you pray tonight? Yes, I did. That's conformity and compliance. It has nothing to do with anything. And my prayer every day and every night was thanks for another shitty day. After about a year, I thought, you know, there might be something to this. I've had 365 consecutive days of crap. Maybe I should tweak this. And so I started to tweak it. This is, you know, when we talk about prayer and meditation, when we talk about this part of this process, it's the most intimate thing I do. And what I do is not going to be what you do. I'm not intending to tell anyone what to do at all. I'm just talking a little bit about the evolution of this. One of the things that had to be developed was patience and practice and perseverance. None of those things seemed attractive to me. But you can't, you know, if you're going to develop a practice, you have to practice. I'm just saying. You want a relationship with God or you think you do, you have to practice. You have to put some things in place to have that relationship. The first things we put in place are, getting rid of the things that stand between, the major things that stand between us and having that relationship. That happens in one through nine. And then we get into daily living. Mario was talking about last night, 10th step. Well, it's got all the other nine rolled into it, right? And it's funny, in the book, that's where it says, this should continue for a lifetime. It's a drunk trap. It is. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, regret and fear. When they come up, what happens? Ask God to remove it. Talk to someone. Make it. Amend if necessary. Then resolutely turn your thinking to someone you can help. I've been mentored. I just lied. That's a four step principle. Why did I do that? Because I made a decision in the third step. Why did I do that? Because I'm willing to believe that I need some help other than me. Second step. Why did I do that? Oh, that's right. Because in and of myself, I'm a train wreck. I am powerless. Not a little powerless. Capital P powerless. Right? Oh, that's why I did that. Now I prayed. Six and seven. Ask God to remove it. That's six and seven. Talk to someone. There's five. Making amends if necessary. There's eight and nine. Drunk trap. If you miss some stuff in those earlier steps, it'll come up in ten. And I missed a lot of stuff. I missed a lot of stuff. And I called them cosmic turds. I would be doing really well for a while. And then. Something. Something would start stirring in me. And it had come to my consciousness. And it was, oh, this big thing I forgot. Or I left out. You know? And I'd go put it through the tenth step. And I'd go do the amend. And I'd feel really good. That's actually how I got into my last final and thorough, thorough, thorough fourth step. It occurred to me, the genius that I am, that perhaps if I went back and did this again, and the way it was written. For me to do. Maybe. I'll get a different result. And that tenth step actually got me back into the fourth step. So anyway. So I got a step. Ten. Four. Keeping me right with you. Keeping me right with the external factors in my day. People, places, things. Circumstances. Right? I need to do that. Because I want to stay on track. And then I got this eleventh step. That's the vertical axis. That's to stay in touch with the power. I got to stay right with you. And I got to stay right with the power. And the only way I can stay right with the power. Is to practice. If you learned anything in your life. Learned to ride a bike. Learned to play an instrument. You got to practice. You know, I'd like to be a virtuoso piano player. I just don't like practicing. Well, good luck. You know. I don't like scales. Well, you need to learn scales. Because you need to learn the fundamentals before you can learn the chords. Right? You need to learn the fundamentals of the steps before you can get to this stuff. Before you can even practice. Right? So now I've got this mystical thing. Prayer. You know. And the A's thing about deep down in the realm of the term man, woman, child is a fundamental idea is the parallel of the Jesus teaching. Which he taught the divinity of man. God within. Not God out here. I don't have to go find God. I have to seek. To feel. To be with God. But I don't have to go find God. God is not out there. God is not. I don't have to invite God into the room. By the way, God's here. You know. And what I learned about my A's. Whether I believe in God or not is quite irrelevant. I'll give it to God. It doesn't matter. Because every time I turned around and said help, there was help there. That last night I drank. There was help there. A power did for me what I couldn't do for myself. A power did for me what I couldn't do for myself. The obsession left. I started gathering evidence that there was clearly something going on. And it was really abhorrent to think that I had been wrong all those years about G.O.D. Right? but if I'm creating the image of my creator and that seems to be the plot when you study major religions and even the minor ones and you study this apparently I'm creating the image of my creator if God's going to create you or me, a man, a woman, a person a thing, he can only use God's stuff cannot go say I'm pondering a respiratory system I think I'll go down to Home Depot and get some tubing and some bags so clearly if I'm creating the image of my creator I've got everything I need why would God create me flawed? why would God create me with half of what I need or two thirds of what I need? then when you examine in your spiritual evolution my relationship to these defects of character they're not defects, they're gifts now the people who were the recipients of my defects didn't always see them as gifts but they were gifts because I could transform those things into lessons and learn and we know from 6 and 7 we know from our work perfectly imperfect is the way I describe it because I am a flawed man I will always be a flawed man the people that I respect the most in AA aren't the ones that profess to you know I go to meetings and what it sounded like to me was I got in trouble drinking I went to treatment they said go to AA I went to AA they said get a sponsor I got a sponsor I've been with Harold for 53 years and I never had another damn problem in my life you know I think Kent was talking about it I think Don mentioned it too recovery is not the absence of problems life is life people are going to leave people are going to come they're going to go they're going to die they're going to get sick you're going to have great financial windfalls you're going to have financial disasters you're going to have all kinds of crap happen because that's life what I need to do is I need to have a way to be with that and not be it Jesus said it this way be in the world but not of it right I need to find a way to be with that find a way to separate me from the appearance of things and that takes practice you know when I'm working with guys and trying to get them involved in this the practice is the question 10 and 11 are daily exercises they're not when you need them exercises they're not as needed right when you think that's the problem quit doing that just do the exercise quit thinking that's the problem so I gotta practice I'm not good I'm not good but you know you go to medical school you get out with your medical license they say I'm a doctor I'm practicing medicine they have to keep learning lawyers same thing practicing law you have to keep going and getting your your license renewed and here are the new you have to study you have to keep learning well why in the hell do I think this is different the worst thing I've ever done is to say the worst thing I can hear in my head and I have not heard it for many many years is I got this I got this right run run away that's like when you're sitting with a new guy and he says I'm working on my resentments oh shit I'll be over here right working on my fear what happens when you work on that stuff it multiplies why because that's the law that's the law of consciousness so then they say come over here don't practice that stuff identify it after six it's all identification I identify oh look it dishonesty I better work on that don't do that work on honesty I learned this really hard I learned this really hard because I was a pathological liar from the time I was a little boy I would make stuff up all the time I thought it was creativity they said it was more of a pathology but I would make stuff up I would make stuff up even when it would have been better for me to tell the truth right what time is it 2 30 I got no watch if you notice I have no watch I said well I'm part Indian man it's 2 30 trust me the hell's your problem right just insane I'm not a Catholic when you're in right so this is the way it was in the beginning. I'd get down to the end of the day, because I never did the 10th step during the day. God! I started getting introduced to inventories. I can't remember anything. I got a little notebook. What do I do when I'm pissed off? Right? By now I've already blown it. So I go back and I say, ah, I lied. It was always after the fact. And then as my consciousness I became more aware, I'd be talking to Kent and I'd be going, I'd hear this voice in my head and he'd go, you're lying, man. Of course I couldn't tell him I was lying. So I'd just go, hmm. And I'd walk away and go, God, you did it again. And then when the progression continued, I would be sitting there and getting ready to talk to you and I'm hearing this, what I'm going to say, and I'm going, that's a lie. When it's an idea, I can stop it. When it comes out of my mouth, it's a card played. Right? Ah. Pull that back. And then sometimes there's even talking to Kent. You're looking good. Yeah, you're looking good too. Yeah, working out. Oh yeah, working out. And I'll look at him and we'll talk about how we're working out and our diet and all that stuff. And about ten minutes in I'll look at him and say, Kent, you know, all that stuff about working out and diet, that's bullshit. I lied. I made that up. And he goes, oh, thank you. Me too. Right? Now I know I have evidence that I'm progressing. That's all I've got to do is make progress in the direction of my ideal relationship with the creator. I'm never going to be perfectly honest. But I'm more honest than I've ever been. I need definitions. Because I am a smarmy guy. I like the gray area. You say, you know, we've got 12 steps. I think we can boil that down to one or two. You know, I'm always looking. It just can't be A, B. There's got to be a C or an A and a half. I'm a gray area guy. You know, it comes out in conversations. It's not really lying. It's really more omission. You didn't ask the right question. You got an answer suitable for your question. It's partly true. Hell. So anyway, what was I saying right before that? Progress gray area. Oh, definitions. Thank you. So I got a definition for honesty. And it was this. The absence of any intention to deceive. And I pucker even when I say that today. Because it's like, holy shit. That's pretty rude. And then there's a caveat. Honesty without compassion is brutality. So I need to temper. But I don't need to temper it with me. Right? I need to hold my feet to the fire. Because I'll wiggle. So I need definitions like that that are real, got really clear edges for me. I've come to know, we talk about intuition. We talk about higher consciousness. We talk about God consciousness. We talk about spirituality. Spiritual awareness. Fourth dimension. Whatever you want to call it. I believe we all have what I call a moral compass. An internal guidance system. We're born with it. Everybody in this room knows when they're being treated right. Everyone knows when they're being treated fairly. Everyone knows what's just and what isn't. Everyone knows when you're being talked down to. When you're being belittled. Everyone knows that. I know when I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. But God does not speak to me. With a bullhorn. And I, you know, at 12, I thought I threw out everything that I was raised with. Everything, all the values that I was raised with. That's you. This is me. I'm on my way. Lock up your women and children. I'm in town. And what I found for this inventory process, and especially in the prayer and the meditation, the insight I got was I offended me. I always knew who I was supposed to be. I always knew what kind of person I was supposed to be. And I had this thing called rationalization. I could make it so. I could make it justifiable with the story I made up about it. And that gave me permission to do it. And there you go. You know, example. Married woman. That's your problem, clearly. You're married. You have a marriage that doesn't work. What does that have to do with me? We talk about selfish self-centeredness. Never once did I ever consider, ever consider what would happen to her in her marriage, with her children, with her in-laws, with her neighbors, in her career. Never once thought about that. I stopped the thinking at 21, white and freak, and sending adults. Okay, good. Move on. That was my qualifier. Right? And that's a crappy way to live. And every time I did that, I put another little cut in my soul. I didn't know that. And it makes for discomfort. We've been hearing it all weekend. Restless, irritable, and discontented. I don't know why. But there's this feeling in me that's growing and growing and growing. I don't like me so much. I don't know why. I just don't like me so much. I think it's your fault. I think it has nothing to do with me. I don't like me so much. And so I do more of the things that are hurting me because I've convinced myself, you know where my happiness is? Is getting into a relationship with you. You know where my happiness is? An encore. You know where it is? Multi-record deal. You know where it is? Money. You know where it is? Multiple dwellings. That's what we need. More houses. We need a custom guitar collection. We need a bunch of stuff. Goals. Right? Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing. But when it gets up into the demand or in the entitlement range, bad thing. Because now I will compromise anything that I say I believe to get that goal. Because it's an argument in my interior that's a matter of life or death. If I don't get this, I'm not going to make it. And then when you get the goal, have you noticed? You need a new goal. You need a new goal. Thomas Merton. Ladder Wrong Wall. Bill Wilson story. The Knight Law Course. Right? I proved to you I was somebody. I get some status here. I'm going to get a law degree. And what did he say? As soon as he got done with the course, the law course, he said, I realized the law wasn't for me. Why? Because it didn't fill the hole. And we're trying to fill the hole with all this stuff out here. Money. Education. Degrees. Accolades. Sex. Power. Fill in the blank. Toys. Whatever. Right? And when you live that way, the only byproduct of that is you have a hunger for more. I'm really lonely. I'm tired of living in apartments. I need a condo. I get the condo. There's the goal. Right? I get the condo. Condo's really nice for about three months. Right? Then I say, I'm kind of lonely. I think I need a girlfriend. Yep. That's what I need. I need a girlfriend that can live with me. Not someone else's girlfriend. Not someone else's wife. I think I get one of my own. I think I'm ready for that. I get her. We get her. We're living in the condo together. This is really great for about three months. Then we're going, there's something missing. What is it? I think we need a kid. Yeah. Okay. Now we got a kid. Now the goddamn condo's too small. Got a kid. Got the girl. Got the condo. Now the condo's too small. We need a house. That's what we need. Right? And all this time, of course, my overhead's going up. I gotta make more money. And it just goes on and on and on and on and on. You aren't gonna take any of that with you. It's all impermanent. People are gonna die. They're gonna leave. Your car's gonna get rusty. Your body's gonna get... You know... It doesn't work so good. So if I define myself by that stuff, I got a real problem, don't I? Because all I can do is keep getting more. I don't want that anymore. So now I gotta find a new way to define myself. I'm gonna define myself by interior principles. Internal principles and ideas. That have nothing to do with my status. What does the book say? Burn the idea into this person that they can get well regardless of any circumstances. I've seen guys living under bridges get this. And I've seen multi-millionaires die because they're too smart. Anyone can get this. That's what it says. We talked about it the other day. Anyone can get this. You just gotta be willing to believe you're not God. Which is kind of breathtaking. I mean that's really the conclusion, isn't it? I'm willing to believe there's a power greater than me. What does that mean? I'm willing to believe I'm not the power. Oh! That's so embarrassing. When you hear yourself say it out loud, I guess I'm not God. No kidding! And I call it a revelation, an awakening, an experience. And everyone else is going, finally! Right? Goofy! What? So I have to find some principles to define myself by. And then I'm going to have to explore what those principles mean to me. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. Prayer. Meditation. Helpfulness. Love. There's an interesting one. Love. From doing these exercises, I realized I am...the only thing I ever loved was my son. Everything else was a transaction. Everything else was a transaction. Oh, I made up a story about what it was to justify doing it. But the bottom line was I always had a back door. I always had a back door. And you know what? When you always have a back door, you'll always take it. If there's a back door in your program saying, well maybe this God thing is a bunch of baloney, you'll take it. If there's a back door in your program saying, well maybe I could smoke pot and do this, you'll take it. And chapter 7 tells us, you've got a better idea. We're instructed to let you run with it. Because until you do, you won't be convinced. The problem is you might not live through the experiment. So, okay. Love is a good one. When you study the religions, love is a common descriptor for God. God is love. I like that. God is love. Oh, it's even better. God is unconditional love. Oh. I like that even more. What does that mean? I wonder. To me it means there is no condition by which I am not allowed that love. That means all the pain and the punishment in my life is not God induced. It's Roger induced. It's from living in man's world on man's terms with man's principles. I, me, mine and more. Defining myself by what I do. Defining myself by my money. Defining myself by what you think of me. God! How do you like to tie, Jeff? Defining myself by what you think of me. Really? God! You know what that means? That means we've got 150 people in the room. The one person who's not paying attention, that's the only one I can see. That's the only one I can see. I can't see these others. All I can see is that one person. Oh, they're walking out now. Oh, Jesus. You know? Longfellow has a prayer. It's either Longfellow or Wordsworth. I don't know. It's one of the two. But it is this. This is the prayer. Lord, help me be free of the good opinion of others. I like that. Don't be subject to the praise. And don't be subject to the criticism. So what am I subject to? I'm subject to my inventory. I'm a subject of my analysis. How did you show up today? Were you kind and loving? Were you helpful? What could you have done better? These are all the questions in the 11 Step are all constructive in their nature. Were you giving? Or were you trying to get? Not, what a loser! Are you still trying to get? That's not it. No, no. I just need to be aware. You know what? It was kind of and you know this from your own experience. When it's all about me day, when it's what can I get out of this day, you end up with a real kind of a gnawing, for me, a gnawing, kind of an empty, just a hunger. You know? Because I'm back to that more thing. I need more. I need more. I need more. I don't need more. I don't need nothing from you. That's freedom. I love that. You know, I'm not saying I don't pay attention to the criticism, but I'm criticized all the time. If I get the same one, like if I'm doing something like this, or we're doing a weekend retreat or something, and I get the exact same criticism from six or eight people, I'll pay attention to that. Maybe I'm not showing up right. Maybe I'm not showing up the way I'm intending. Maybe something's being misinterpreted. But I don't ever argue the reality. You know, interesting information, I get it. You know, a lot of people don't like me. I'm used to that. And a lot of, you know, when I, it's like, none of it's real. You know, you think there should be a statute, it can't, and some of you think we should hang them. What the hell? You know? If I'm going to base my well-being on that, I'm going to be neurotic as hell. Right? And I'm never going to trust the information I'm getting. So what I'll report to you today is over time, and I learned this being a musician early on, I'm not my reviews. Sorry. I only got one obligation, and that's to tell you the truth. The truth of my experience to the best of my ability. If it's helpful, wonderful. If it's not, wonderful. Because Jeff's going to be up after me. Right? And someone else will be at your meeting Monday. And so, you know, it goes on and on. That's fine. But this has got to be real. It can't be theory. It can't be box checking. I used to, you know, in the early days, we'd have the inventory sheets with the check the box thing. I hate that. Because what happens when you get to the fifth step, you say, I know you were selfish. Tell me how you were selfish. Oh, that's a different question. It's supposed to be a reflective, internal reflection on these ideas. Right? So I am, well, I'm much more interested in how this is working for you and how it's not working for you. I'm looking for something. Oh, here. This is so bizarre when you, when I think of it in terms of my recovery, because it happens so early in the book. And there's a solution. The great fact is just this and nothing less. Just this and nothing less. That we've had deep and effective spiritual experiences. Which have revolutionized our whole attitude, our whole approach towards life. Towards our fellows. Towards God's universe. You get it? Yeah. Central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered in our hearts, you can read this two ways, and lives. Hearts and lives. Or hearts and lives. In a way which is indeed miraculous. He, if you don't like the pronoun, put your own in. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we can never do by ourselves. The great fact is not that I'm employable again. The great fact is not that I'm finally getting laid. The great fact is not that I'm out of debt. The great fact is not that I found the most kick-ass sponsor in the universe. The great fact competition. Edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit. If that's the great fact, early in recovery, I'm in deep doo-doo. If that's the great fact. And what happens is, in this process, we get relief. You're supposed to get relief. And we confuse it for recovery. The heat's coming off. Things are doing pretty well. You know? Done four or five amends now. And that little voice comes in and says, you have been doing very well. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. It doesn't sound like let's take a break. It just says, I think I'll watch the game instead of go to the meeting. Right? I don't think I've got to race through these amends. We're doing pretty well. Making some progress. And I get confused. I get hypnotized by the results that God has given me in this process. And I think, there you go. I'm recovered. I got this. I got this. I got this is a death note for me. I never got this. I'm never going to get it. I'm just going to get better at it. And that's a comfort today. When they said in the book, this should continue for a lifetime. I'm going, oh Jesus. I've got stuff to do. I'm running around with this stupid notebook in my pocket because I can't remember anything. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I get mad. I remember this. I think Don and I were talking about this. I had a little problem with spontaneity and laying my hands on people. And they said what you do is you put your hands in your pocket and you make a fist. You can't pull your hand out of your pocket when it's in a fist without going, oh look at him. Oh, I'm getting ready to tear his face off. That's what that thug is. Oh, we're not going to go there. I've got to find a way to create the pause. To create a space between the stimulus and what would be my reaction. Create the space. Pause. Ask for an intuitive thought or direction. That space, that gap is for God to enter my thinking. If I'm not creating that all I'm doing is reacting. Which is why my life is so damn unsatisfactory. I thought all my life I'm calling the shots. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. I never called any shots. I was totally reactionary. And it was all fear and shame based. It was just like what do I need to do to get through this? Kindergarten. I got kicked out of school. I got a kindergarten. Does not play well with others. God. It started there. I'm so misunderstood. And I'm so sensitive. So. Thanks for another shitty day. It occurred to me. I don't expect anyone to align with this. For prayer. Any thought can be a prayer. When I'm sitting around worrying and I'm full of fear. That's a prayer. I'm offering to the universe. I'm saying, oh God am I scared. I really don't want this to happen. I really don't want to lose my job. I really don't want to lose my job. I didn't sleep last night because I was so worried about losing my job. And now I've been chronically late for two weeks and I've lost my job. Oh I knew it. I'm such a loser. No. I created that. I prayed on it. I prayed on it. The problem was the God was fear. I think they're right. I think that the knee thing, hit your knees, is an important thing. But I think where I've got to really be on my knees is in here. Because I can get lost in the ritual. I can get lost in the pomposity. Yes I'm hitting my knees. I'm so spiritual. I'm so humble. I'm so full of shit. Right. But I'm looking good. I'm going to the jail meeting. I'm doing all externally. It looks great. It's all compliance and conformity. Because after a while, I don't know why I'm doing this. And until you give me a principle, until you give me a reason why I'm doing this, it doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make, to me. It's just busyness. You know, over here I was distracted by the chaos of my life. Now I'm over here distracted by going to the jail and doing this and doing that and whatever. That's got to get real to me. Where it got real to me was sponsorship. I started caring about someone I didn't know 30 minutes ago. I started caring about how that guy was doing. The other thing it does is it drives you right into the part of your programs the parts of your program that are weak. And I start caring so much about you that I start studying. I think I'm studying for you. I'm studying. I'm the beneficiary of your program. I'm the beneficiary. Whether you get sober or not, I'm the beneficiary. Because of the willingness. Self-sacrifice. What is that? That is this. When I spend a weekend with you, when these guys, when we spend time together, we never get that time back. I have sacrificed my agenda for you. That's why when I sit down and talk with you, I am not going to talk about the Vikings and the Packers and the weather. Oh, how cold it is. You know, I don't, it's cold. It's winter. It's supposed to be cold. You know, get over it. I want to know what's going on inside. Because I don't know if I'm ever going to talk to you again. So when I talk to you, whether it's one-on-one, whether it's like this, I'm going to tell you the truth as I know it for me. I'm not going to bullshit you. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to make a bunch of stuff up. That's not my job. My job is to testify. Bear witness. This is part of how this thing is manifested. I need to watch me. How do I watch me? I watch me with those questions. Selfish? Inconsiderate? Dishonest? Then I have a procedure to follow. Did you ask to have it removed? Why is it chronic? Why does it keep coming back? There's a new prayer. God, show me what you're asking me to learn here. Show me what I'm being asked to learn. Because I'm tired of this lesson. I'm tired of doing this over and over and over. I'd like to know. Gently. I'd like to know what I'm being asked to learn. Prayer. True. Here's a story about prayer. I prayed to God to have my financial problems addressed. What I was thinking when I said that prayer, God, help me with these credit cards. I'm a financial genius. You already picked that up. I had about $60,000 worth of credit cards. I had about 12, 15 credit cards. All maxed. All I know for sure is I bought a set of tires. Right? We're out to dinner. I'll buy. You need a lamp? I'll buy you a lamp. Moving? Don't have any money? I'll pay for the mover. So I'm getting crushed. I'm like 10 years sober and I'm getting crushed. I'm saying, God, please. I'm willing. I'm willing. I need to get out from under this financial thing. In my mind, this is called outlining in metaphysics. In my mind I'm thinking, I'm going to wake up tomorrow and there's going to be a wheelbarrow full of money. No. The prayer was answered. And the prayer was answered this way. I was brought to my knees. I could not play the game another day. And I said, again, what would you have me do here? And the voice said, cut up the cards. And I always said, I'll cut up the cards when they're paid off. You never cut them up. Because they never paid off. Cut them up. Cut them up. And I'm going, really? This is how much faith I have. So I cut them up. Cut them up one at a time. And put them in an envelope. And on the envelope I put the 800 number to call and the credit card number. Just in case. Because money was security. Money is not security. I had all that money. It did not make me secure. It made me insecure. God is my security. I have something that's elastic and everlasting and not at all affected by this crap in the three dimensions. Just, I can't do that. I saw examples of that in my AA meeting. I was astounded. Cancer is back. Oh. And he's laughing. Ah, we'll see. Cancer is in remission. She left. We'll see. She came back. You know, it's like, I'm watching this. I'm seeing the demonstration of men that live from a higher place. And it's really impressive. Because I would look at it and say, God, I would really like to be like that someday if I ever grow up. I'd really like to be like that. But you know, then I go talk to them. I interview them. And I say, tell me about this. And they're doing it. And it ended up being like this. I want what you have, but I'm willing to do nothing to get there. Right? That's entitlement. I want what you have. I'd like to be 20 years sober. But you know what? You're three months sober. And that's what you're going to be if you're lucky. So we got to meet you where you are. And walk out of that together. You can't just flip a switch and go, oh, now I have peace. That was Jack Daniels and three second halls. Right? You have to work your way there. It's effortless. This is why it seems so weird. Why is it so hard to do this? It's not that hard. It just takes practice and discipline. It's easy to default to fear. It's easy to say, oh, I'm screwed. Loser. Loser. That's why everything is the way it is. I'm a loser. It takes no energy to do that. To walk out a loser takes energy. I'm a child of God. Loved and protected. Well, then act like it. Is that in your actions? I've created the image of my creator. If that's true, we're all family. That means we're the princes and the princesses of the father. That means we're royalty. Wouldn't it be different if we treated each other that way? Like you're precious? I mean precious. I don't want your ass. Just the way you are. God, would it be different. I'd be thinking about you and how wonderful you are and the gifts you had to bring. Not about me. And have you noticed my gifts? Right? I was a guy when I was at the height of my powers. Which is equivalent for the height of my disease. I'm a rock and roll guy. I got hair down to my waist. I live in black leather. And I had a persona. And if I was in the room, you knew I was in the room. But this was who I was. I would be walking across a crosswalk at a stoplight. I don't look right. I don't look left. I got two black holes for eyes. And I hear this click, click, click, click. People are just locking their doors. And I'm thinking, that's right. You know who's here. Lock your doors. Hide your women and children and your money. Right? I went from that to this. I had a very contentious relationship with my dad. It went into our sobriety. And it didn't stay that way. But what happened was we do things on principle that we think we know what's going on. We never know what's going on. I never know what's going on. So, example. I'm like seven years sober. I get custody of my son. Single pop. Single parents in the room. You know, that is a job. I find out very quickly I have no feminine side. I got no nurturing. I'm just like clueless. I had enough recovery to know I need to get some help. I went to a school psychologist. And there was teaching parenting classes. I took some parenting classes. So I could be a better parent. That was the intention. Right? Along the way, unintended consequence. I'm now getting on with the Mr. Mom thing. I'm doing pretty good. And it occurs to me. Because I blamed my parents for most of my situation. Genetically, circumstantially. The way I was raised. The non-nurturing, shame-based environment. Whatever. They were the reason. I was the way I was, mostly. And I had this thing. I was meditating. And this came into my mind. I saw an image of my parents. And I was a newborn. And they were looking in the bassinet. And they looked at each other and said, what do you say? I spent the next 40 years of our life committed to screwing this kid up. And I went, oh. And the aha, of course, was they did the best they could with what they had. Now I get to compassion, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness. Interesting, when I quit blaming them and I came off my cross, oh poor me. I became responsible. I became responsible. I became responsible. For me. I wasn't blaming them anymore. I went, another unintended consequence. I went to talk to my dad. Because I had to buff up those amends I did a little bit. And I'm sitting. My dad was a pretty stoic guy. And I was not known for his warm, fuzzy side. But anyway, I was sitting. He was in his chair. I was in my mom's chair. They were about six, eight feet apart. And I was going through this amend with him about I had a little greater understanding what kind of son I had shown up to be. And I was talking to him. And somewhere in the conversation I had left the chair and I was kneeling beside him. And my head was in his lap. And he was running his fingers through my hair. And he said, oh Sonny, I only ever wanted the best for you. And he was crying and I was crying. And the game changed. Everything didn't get better instantly. But what happened was we connected on a different level. And I made a decision. Instead of amplifying the things that we're never going to agree on like politics, like your wife, all those things that we don't agree on, I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to work with the things that we do have in common. And I'm going to go do some things to develop some more common ground with him. And I did. And over time, this is all because I want to be a better parent, by the way. Set in motion trains of circumstances I couldn't possibly imagine. The last thing my dad did in AA was his trustee. And before he took that, we had some conversations. And he was concerned that he wasn't going to be able to live through it. Just because it's a hard job. And I said I'd help him. So I was his secretary. And he was a writer. And anyway, out of that, he got done with that and he ended up in the hospital with congestive heart failure, had some emphysema, and almost died. So I'm in the hospital with him and I had, being the concerned son that I am, I had reconstructed his prescriptions. And I knew when he quit taking them. I said, are you trying to kill yourself? That's the question. And he said, no. I'm just really tired. I said, okay. So we got through that. And it turns out now he's developing Alzheimer's. And I had to get them to the table with their wills. Because their wills weren't current. And that was a chore. And I got them to the table, created this estate plan for them. And my dad wanted to be the executive as well. The executive of his living will. And he was a plug puller. And I went, oh, okay. And my mom wanted the same thing. So then we fast forward and we get all that stuff put together and he's losing his mind. I'm finding bearer bonds. You know what bearer bonds are? They're investments you make. You get these little coupons and whoever's got the coupon, whoever's bearing the coupon, can cash it at the bank. I'm finding files of these things and I'm going, pop. What bank? But anyway, so this thing is evolving and finally he ends up in the hospital. And he's not going to get out unless they do heart surgery. And he was right. He said if I go in the hospital I'll never get out. And he never did. But it was interesting because they were prepping him for surgery and he was very stoned. And we were giving him crap and he was like, I'm going to die over again. Step one, dad. And we were saying goodbye to him and they were taking him out of the operating suite and he was stoned, right? And he thought my sister was my brother and we were like, ah. And I reached down and I kissed him and I said, I'll see you later, pop. And he grabbed me under the blanket and stoned cold sober. He said, take care of your mother. I go, yeah. And I blew a whole hemisphere and half the other hemisphere and it did not meet the requirements of his living will. And so there I am. I'm going to pull the plug. And it took some time. But anyway, the last thing he told me was take care of your mother. I don't like my mother. What have they to do to me? Take care of your mother. Yeah, dad. Oh, shit. And when I say I don't like my mother, it doesn't mean I don't love her. It means on the level of personality, we didn't have a lot in common. But she was a good woman and she did the very best with what she could. And as a matter of fact, she did stuff that to me would be on a heroic level. She married an alcoholic, lived with an alcoholic. Her dad was an alcoholic. She grew up with an alcoholic. All her kids were alcoholics. She spent years of her life with active alcoholism. I would have left. In fact, I did leave. I abandoned my family. So this is an interesting situation I'm in. And then she has the nerve to have a stroke. Oh. She has a stroke. She's in the hospital. This is all because I want to be a better dad. Are you following this? It's all because I want to be a better dad. She's stroked in the hospital. She's in the hospital for a month. A week in, they say she is never going to live independently. Now I have to find her a place to rehab. I have to find her a place to live. I have to sell her house. I have to sell her all the crap. Right? I don't know how to show up for that except for what I've learned here. I don't even know that I'm ready for that. You know why you're ready for it? Because it's here. Why is this happening? Because it's time. That's why. Why am I being asked to do this? Because you need to learn something. When I'm fit, it's an opportunity. It's a problem. And when I'm walking around going problem, problem, problem, problem, problem, I go, gut check. Tweak it. Not a problem. Opportunity. What am I being asked to learn? Not why is this happening to me. So I've got to walk my dad out and I've got to walk my mom out. I think there are two really, really interesting moments. One is the birth and one is the death. And our culture doesn't do well with death. We did well with death. I did well with death. And I was prepped for this, too. So at the end of the day, I was there for my mom, I was there for my dad, and this guy who would walk across the crosswalk and you would intuitively know you should lock yourself in the car ends up being the most trusted person in their lives. I trust you with our money. I trust you with my wishes. I trust that you will execute this because I know what kind of man you are. Are you kidding me? I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. And my dad was a great example. My dad was my Abbey. Imperfect man, but a good man. I saw, we studied the history. Imperfect men, but good men. You know, I studied the history and they're going, oh, we need rent at the club, right? And Harry's going to jail for a year. They go to Harry's place, sell all his furniture to pay rent at the club. I'm going, I can work with that. I can work with that. As long as you don't have to be perfect. I like knowing that they had problems. I like knowing they were flawed. It doesn't mean you can't do good work. It doesn't mean you're not useful. It doesn't mean God can't use you as an instrument. It means there's more work to do. That's all. Lean into it. Lean into it. Perfectly imperfect. Right? Perfectly imperfect. God will do for me what I can't do for myself. Lift me up. I'm on a different basis. I'm on a totally different basis. That did not happen in a thunderclap. That happened over years. I'm progressing with these ideas. I am not my body. That's the great get. You know, all the, all the, a lot of the texts you read talk about consciousness. We are consciousness. This is the form in which that consciousness is held. Interesting about my parents dying in the early 80's. I sponsored a lot of gay guys. They all died of AIDS. And they all died in my arms. And I'm going, this is weird. Why is it, why are they asking me to be with them? And why am I, you know, what is this about? And this is about it. You're holding someone and they cease to exist on this plane. You can feel the life force leave their body. They didn't die. I mean, it's quite apparent. The body goes cold. You can see it for what it is. It's a skin bag. It's a spacesuit, you know. It's just the container. That's all. But something definitely left. And I go, what is that about? Then years later, the reason that all happened was to be there for my dad. They stroke my dad and I would sit with him during the day. People, you know, people come by and the they are going, oh, oh, oh, please don't leave, please don't leave. He's gone. but my sense was that his presence was up in the room behind me it wasn't in his body and when we unplug that body from the respirator he'd let go he'd let go and i thought this is gonna be weird i've lost my dad i haven't lost my dad i haven't lost those mentors i haven't lost those guys that were profound influences in my life because they live in me they live through me they live in the teachings they taught me and and they're in my actions i don't feel the absence of my dad i feel the closeness of my dad i don't feel my mom being so close right now she was really tired when she left she was 96 and she was really tired interesting statement about her and i'll get off here um um i didn't talk to you much about meditation directly sorry um I'm my mom had a hard life and my brother came um to be with us the last couple weeks she was alive and she had not woken up for a couple days and he was talking to her about how much he loved her and how much he cared about her and then there was a pause he said mom do you love me and she came out of the coma she said i love everybody not a bad deal not a bad deal 96 years on the planet living with five alcoholics and you can the last thing you say on the planet earth is i love everybody pretty good deal thank you applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause