Rigorous Honesty and the Architecture of Insecurity – Sandy B.

meaning going on here and it ran over a little bit so i figured that was a good cause you know we have um a little problem in the invocation speaker uh isn't here yet i can't i can' t blame her oh she is here oh beautiful would you like to beautiful would Would you like to come up? Oh, I can't see over these things. Sorry about that. I had my mouth full. Um, let's stand and be in a spirit of prayer together. Almighty God you have created us and given us the life that we have and for that we give you thanks and in a sense for many of us you have given us new life as well and for this and for that we give you thanks we thank you for this time that we can come together and share in fellowship and food and we ask that during this time you will nourish us both in body and in spirit we pray for those who are here the courage and the wisdom that you bestow upon us one day at a time and we pray for those who are not here who somehow yet haven't had their eyes opened who may be afflicted with disease and addiction and may not yet realize it or admit it. For them we offer to you. Lord, surround us with your presence. Fill us with your spirit. And thank you for the life that you give. Amen. Thank you, Ann. the city of Vancouver is really happy to have us here and the mayor pro tem Jim Justin would like to say a few words Thank You Nancy when you guys walk by the end of the table up here be careful because her shoes are under the table I'm here to be merciful that means being short all I'm going to do is say hello and leave quickly so you get back your food first of all I would like to welcome you though to the city of Vancouver we're very very proud of our city I know that there's many of you here that live in Vancouver in the surrounding area but there's also some of you who are from far away and so to you who are visiting us from afar welcome to Vancouver we'd like you to enjoy our city while you're here see what you can of it enjoy the sights and have a good time I hope that you have a good meeting and a good conference I'm kind of in a I'm standing in for the mayor mayor Jim Gallagher so on the program it says Mayor Jim well they are right in the gym part but it's Justin instead of Gallaghar he had another commitment tonight in fact we've been kind of sharing some of these duties of late and as I have an aspiring slip-tongue politician I get to make some of the greetings I would like to say one thing thing or just a couple things very quickly. As I was on the way down tonight, I tried to review a few things in my mind and what I could offer you folks. We're going through a process in the city right now that's called budgeting, and as we budget our city for next year, we look at some of the programs and services that are important to us and the ones that we think are important but we might not be able to afford. Some of the programs, unfortunately, that get a lower priority rating are the some of the social service programs and things of that nature and your street paving and your police and fire of course very important they get the they kind of get the first priority well the social service program is while they may not always be high on our priority list are really high in our minds so some of things that need doing in a community I think you folks probably are well aware what social service programs can do you're involved in one right now I'd like to encourage you to remember that these programs are vital to whatever community you're a part of and if you're part of this community I ask for you to help us in our programs and whatever way you can if you are part of a community of another community go back to your community and see what you can do to offer your services for the programs there I get a real warm feeling when I come into a crowd such as this it's a new crowd is a different crowd and just in few minutes that I was here and talking to some of you folks I think that it's kind of a funny thing but it kind of helps build my myself in some manner or form so I find it a real pleasure to participate in the greeting tonight I do welcome you to the city of Vancouver. Hope you have a very, very good conference. Thank you for coming. Thank you, Mr. Justin. He should have seen me a few years ago. It wasn't just my shoes that were off. This meeting, I just got to note, this meeting is being taped. Anyone who would like You see a tape, see Jack or Vern right after the meeting and they're right down here. These guys do a fantastic job of taping. I've been buying their tapes for over a year now and I've never ran into a clinker. They really do a good job. I think now I'm going to let you go ahead and finish dinner and I'll be back as soon as you're done eating. Drawing. That drawing is going to be to pay you back the cost of the early bird ticket. And there they all are. It's ticket number 026, and it belongs to Phyllis A. from Vancouver, Washington. She's working? Is somebody honest enough they can get this money to fill us when she gets off of work? $1,550. you people have come from a long way some of you and what we'd like to do now is countdown by the towns that you people live in so i'm going to read your town and we'd love it if just stand up and say a little word about your town let's hear you scream okay you guys ready for that aloha oregon auburn washington baker oregon This town must only have about 30 people in it, it's Banks, Oregon. Battleground Washington. Oh and I know we have some people from here, Bellevue Washington. By the way, we have a gift to the people who have come the farthest for this convention. Bend, Oregon. Boring, Oregon Now I've got to work really hard to say this right. Bothell, Washington. Bremerton. Brush Prairie. Brunch Burton, Washington Camas, Washington Clackamas, Oregon Coeur d'Alene, Idaho Coos Bay, Coquitlam, D.C., Corvallis, Oregon, oh I know there's some people from here, Eugene, Oregon this college type Everett Washington I've never heard of this one before Fork Washington I said it right Gladstone Oregon oh here's a good one Grant pass that's three of them Gresham Hayward, California Hugoton, Kansas Junction City, Oregon Kansas City, Missouri Kent, Washington Kenwood, California Lake Oswego, Livermore, California, Longview Wash, Linden, Washington, Monroe, Marinwood, California. Back by the post. Mill Valley, California Monroe, Washington. Mount Lake Terrace, Washington New Westminster, BC Oh, there's some people here from North Vancouver, B.C. Novato, California. Oak Harbor, Washington. I love this one. Olympia, Washington. Omak, Washington Oregon City Payette, Idaho Clear in the back Pleasanton, California Port Orchard, Port Moody, B.C., okay you turkeys, Portland, those are good people, Redwood City, Clearing the Back, Rushfield, Washington, Sacramento, California, St. St. Helens, Oregon. Salem, Oregon San Anselmo, California San Francisco my kind of people. San Mateo. San Rafael. Santa Rosa. Sausalito. One of the most expensive drunks I ever went on was in Sausalito and San Francisco. I spent 500 bucks in three days. Seaside. Cheap. Oh, one of the bedroom communities of Portland, it's Seattle. Sheila Walsh. Selah? Selah. Springfield, Oregon. Spokane Oh, there's a Springfield back there Now it's Spokan Oh, I forgot one right off the bat in the A's Alexandria, Virginia That's our guest speaker tonight He's come all the way from the East Coast it's to share his message with us. Tigard, Oregon. Tillamook, Oregon Yakult, Washington Well I can hardly see you back there but I can hear you. Vancouver, BC Another suburb that we're thinking about annexing into Portland, Vancouver, Washington. I'd like to see all you guys could make it out here tonight. Victoria, Victoria, B.C., all righty. Oh, I graduated from high school, West Lynn, Oregon. Yes! White Rock, B C. Yakima, Washington. If I missed any of your towns, stand up and scream them out. Airbombs! Yay! Love it. Airbomb. Where? Belmont, California. Okay, Crooked River Ranch. was there one over here well milwaukee or orange you guys are going to have to help me my uh My geography's really bad. Does the Hugleton, Kansas win or does the Kansas City, Missouri? Kansas City? Oh, we got something special for him. The Kansas City wins and now we have a gift if... I believe it's two ladies. No, we don't have a gifted two ladies! you guys won't believe the entertainment tonight no i'm sorry the two ladies were from the other one we have we had this really nice and we had a really nice gift and it says there are no strangers here only friends we haven't met i had the pleasure of being in bellevue and listening to linda s who had made up a song that she shared with us about her experience in aa and i'm wondering if we can We can get her up here again tonight. My name is Linda and I'm an alcoholic. I really like the theme of this experience sounds are pretty important to me and I put together some sounds well we put together some sound and so all you people make my life so easy that it wasn't always like that there I go again using that word easy and then I say well better something else being easy than me but um now some of you weren't at the earlier meeting i'll just go ahead and sing you this song i never was no prostitute i never did it for the loot but if you buy me scotch and water tall you'd be buying conversation and a drunken ball I never was no two-bit whore I never had no John's a-knockin' on my door But if you bought me a gallon of goldshiply wine You'd be buyin' a way to stagger into that bed of mine I never wasn't an infomaniac You had to do some qualifyin' to get in my rack But if ya hung around the tavern and bought all my beer Before the night was over, I would call you dear I never was no scheming bitch Never took no sugar daddy for to get me rich But if I could con another bottle out of you I figured I was winning and you were the fool And now my drinking and my drugging days are through I don't have to sleep around with people who do And when I wake up in the morning instead of coming to I don' t have to ask, who are you? Why don't you try getting a natural high And then you will be getting some life in your living Running away is no good And if you've been wondering about the way your life's going If you don't feel no wind and you're too pooped for rowing Be a beginner, come and stick with the winners now Why don't you try getting a natural high Hey, I have to say I used to be a drunkard I was growing up in all of that trail Through the past but now today I find that life ain't so hard And I'm living a life That's full of resinless kale So why don't you try Getting a natural high And then you will be getting The life that you're living One day at a time And soon you'll be feeling fine Why don't we try Hitting a natural high Being resentful and just sitting round grumbling Gives me bad indigestion Those mean tummy mumblings I look to myself for blame I find that I had to change I would like to suggest you try A natural high Hey, I have to say I used to be a dope But I was screwing up And being an ass And the past But now today I find that I'm a hoper and whatever it is, I know the steps you shall take. So why don't you try getting a natural high? And then you will be getting some life in your living. Easy does it, but to it really there's nothing to it. Why don't try getting an natural high. I thought I was doomed as an emotional cripple seemed like all of my problems. They doubled and tripled, my life was decayed My soul, it was drained, so I had to try getting a natural high Hey, I have to say, I used to be a drunkard I was throwing up in all of that jazz In the past, but now today I find that life ain't over and I'm living a life It's full of razzle-dazzle So why don't you try getting a natural high, and then you will be getting the life that you're living. Running away is not going to live for today. Why don't your time get in a natural height? Why don' t you try get in natural high? Why don''t you try it in a natura-a-aight? Thank you. I'm going to do one for you tomorrow, so you come to the breakfast. Okay. Last night at the dance someone gave me a little medal that they found, this is Portland, Oregon. It has a number of 223. I won't give all the numbers. It's an easy dozen, a day at a time. If anybody finds that this is something of yours and you lost it, why, come talk to me. I would like it if Kelly B. from Everett and Marie from Surrey would come up here and share some announcements with us. I'd like to say just a few months ago that I was in the hot seat, like John is tonight, chairman of a conference. And I kind of know what he's going through, but it's all right, like the song says, shall pass and the little thing I'd like to share with you that I noticed the other day and when I was looking at the application form for this conference which I didn't send in I looked at it and it said province or state very very thing you never see this on an application form and all of a sudden I said to myself, hey they really want us to come. They want the Canadians to come and I like to say this for myself and I hope the rest of the Canadians here feel the same way. Gee, I'm sure glad we came here it's really been beautiful. Our Lower Mainland Young People's Committee is split into two parts. We have a steering committee and we have a roundup committee so I've been kicked upstairs, and this year I'm chairman of the steering committee. And the reason I'm saying what I'm going to say is that I feel that looking at the roundup portion of our committee, the committee that I deal with is the service portion, looking at it, I feel I'm looking at it from the outside, and I can see a really beautiful committee that we have there. And the work that they've already done in putting on dances this year has been beautiful. And if it keeps on, we're going to have one hell of a roundup. It's really going to be beautiful. We already, the Roundup Committee has already gotten to the point that they have a date and they have a place. It will be the sixth annual Lower Mainland Young People's Roundup April 14th, 15th and 16th in 1978 via the Sheridan Plaza 500 Hotel 12th Avenue and Canby Street in Vancouver BC and we may even have free coffee you know and we love you you know in any one of you though that can turn up that'll you know just help our sobriety a little more we'd like to we'd to see you we'd to hear you we'd like you to be there thanks very much i'm kelly and i'm an alcoholic this has been a beautiful roundup i'm sorry i'm not a very good public speaker but uh Okay, well we're having a roundup in Everett conference. It's our first one and we're really trying to do the best we can to get everything going right and it's kind of hard the first one but I'll read a little bit about it here. It says Everett Young People's Committee presents the conference and the theme is You've Got a Friend and it is November 4th, 5th and 6th And that's about five weeks from today. And it's at the Holiday Inn between Everett and Seattle. You can't miss it. It looks just like every other Holiday Inn, you know, green sign. Between Everett and Seattle, you can't mix it. It looks like every holiday Inn, green sign, you know. Ring dollars, you now. But if you want any information on this, either get a hold of me or somebody in the committee and it's post office box 467 everett washington 98206 and it 190 miles from vancouver right here and it 125 5 miles from Vancouver BC so it's pretty centrally located where everybody can get to it and uh the total package will be 1750 just like this roundup and we need your support it and uh that's all i have to say thank you i want to tell kelly that putting on the uh the second annual roundup is a snap no rigorous honesty it's really been a pleasure for me are there any other announcements that anybody would really like to share with us my name is Jeff I'm an alcoholic during the meeting this afternoon before me this afternoon but got up made an announcement about some financial problems we're having and I've gotta say the response has been been tremendous. We had a lot of money just flat contributed. I think everybody ought to give themselves a hand on that one. It looks like we're getting down pretty close to the break-even point now. We're going to have an exact total at breakfast tomorrow morning. Hopefully, we're not going to be doing any hat passing, but we won't know until tomorrow morning, One other thing we'd like to do this evening is pass around a sheet, and anyone who is staying either here or across the river to the other Thunderbird that came in for the conference, we'd just like to ask you to sign just your name and your room number under the motel you're staying in. Thank you. We need the room numbers because for every 50 rooms of you folks who stay here every 50 rooms that you take up the hotel has agreed to give us one free room and we have several that we are using for hospitality rooms and for guest speakers and the rooms here for those of you are staying know that they're fairly expensive and we believe that there are quite a few of you that are staying here that maybe the hotel doesn't know you're with that you're worth that and we can understand you being leery to tell them But, you know, it would really give us a break if you could just kind of let the hotel know or sign the piece of paper that you are, in fact, with our group and staying at their facility. Barring any other announcements, I'd like to get the meeting underway. If you will join me in a moment of silence. I've just been told that there is a Rogue Roundup in Southern Oregon on May 6th. Now if you'll join me in a serenity prayer. God, grant us the serenities to accept the things we cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Anonymity like our sobriety is a treasured possession. We ask the help of our guests, especially those representing the media, in protecting the anonymity of all alcoholics present or mentored here this weekend. I'd also like to add that that goes for picture-taking. You may be taking a picture of a good friend of yours who you know they don't mind you take their picture. There may be 100 people behind them who don't want their faces on your film, so be awfully careful that if you're going to take a picture that you make sure the people who are in that picture want it taken. Jeff, would you come up and share with us what the program is? The following is a definition of Alcoholics Anonymous as it appears in our international publication, The Grapevine. AlcoholicsAnonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution. It does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to save space over and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. I forgot to say that Jeff was from Portland. The person who's going to read the steps, I met a couple months ago, and I was really impressed by her sobrietry. And I found out she came from a little town where she's not only the only young person, but she's the only female. She's a token female young person. And she's really got a dynamite program. Maggie from Grant's Pass. I'd also like to say that Nancy called me from Portland to Grant's Path. And it was the first time in many, many years that anybody has ever called me to do anything. And I'm Maggie and I am an alcoholic. I'm really grateful to be here tonight. And I wanted to let you guys all know that I love you all. And I couldn't express to you how much love I felt through this conference and meeting so many young people. How it worked. rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves there are such unfortunate they are not at fault they seem to have been born that way They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you're ready to take certain steps at some of these we bought we thought we could find an easier softer way but we could not with all the earnestness that our command we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely remember that we deal with alcohol cunning baffling and powerful without help it is too much for us but there is one who has all power that one is god may you find him now half measures availed us nothing we stood at the turning point we asked his protection and care was complete abandon here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of Recovering. I don't think we're doing the exact same thing on our own. Thanks, we're finally ready to have an interview. Kevin, what way do you have to remove our shortcomings? Many of us exclaimed, What an order! I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas a that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives b that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism and c that god could and would if he were sought now i'll share with you that this next week is maggie's god willing maggie first aa birthday And why it works, Todd, from Oak Harbor, do you want to come up and share that with us? I just want to tell you that I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I love you people. I really do. The 12 traditions. Our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon AA unity. Two, for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority 3. A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole. 5. Each Group has but one primary purpose, to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers. 6. An AA group ought never to endorse, finance, or lend the AA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. 8. Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. AA as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the AA name ought never to be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. 12. Anonymity is a spiritual foundation of our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Thank you. What it used to be like, what it happened, what its like now. No, I'm not going to tell you my story. I get to see you guys staying seven and a half to come in here and hear my story when I was first getting sober I uh I really had a hard time going to sleep at night I understand that's not unusual and I used to tell my story I had been to enough speakers meeting and heard people telling their story and I thought gee that really looks glamorous so I'd lay in bed you know awake at night and I'd go through my story which is ironic because I still can't remember most of it and I want you guys to know that without fail every time it puts me to sleep So fortunately we're not going to have a room full of sleeping people because Sandy B. from Alexandria, Virginia is going to share his story with us. My name's Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. God this is something, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. First of all, I want to thank you all for inviting me out here and letting me share all this enthusiasm and excitement that's going on. I come from a little more conservative area of the country, and we laugh every other week. But we're staying sober, so, you know. I came into AA in 1964 and I haven't been drunk since my first meeting and I owe it all to not drinking and I'd like to get that out of the way yay I'd just like to get that out of the way in case there's somebody new here and you're wondering what all this sobriety is about and I really think not drinking has a lot to do with it at least at least in my opinion and I always assume that there may be someone in your first week or month or so in AA and a lot of times I get rolling along I'm talking about the steps or talking about a spiritual awakening or something like that you forget to mention this not drinking right off the bat you know, as we get excited about talking about the program and this and that. And I really believe when we're new and our brains are a little bit foggy, we might miss that part. And you're coming around and you're not getting any of the benefits of the program and you keep getting drunk. And if that's happening, I would check your drinking. This is what I'd be going after as possibly the cause of a lot of these problems. I come from the East Coast up in Connecticut and was brought up there, very conservative parents And I think as a youngster I was being taught to be a snob That was sort of the thrust of my upbringing My problem as a Young Kid was I was very nervous and insecure and it's very difficult to pretend to be a snob when you are nervous and insecure the reason I mention that is that I really think that gave me a lot of good training in being an alcoholic because us alcoholics as we get into our drinking and all that really have to pretend to be what we're not and have to present that we're afraid and have that we feel equal to other people So I had a head start on a lot of people as far as I was concerned And I always liked in my story to go back to the childhood Because I can't go back any further than that If I could, I would But that's where my memory stops And you know, it's funny My mind is jumping all around Because it's 11 o'clock my time And so you'll have to bear with me but something during the program here tonight reminded me of when I was in the nut ward in 1964 and I'd been locked up there for a long time and I was sort of reliving my entry in there and I remember a specific instance and this was after coming through the DTs and so on down I was in this maximum security area, and they had us in beds with sides on them, which is like a crib. And they had the rubber mattresses underneath there. And I remember the first thing I noticed was that someone had wet the bed that I was in. You know, and I was coming to, and it was shaking and really hurting. And after a while, we were starting to come around and the guy in the crib next to me asked me if I wanted a cigarette. And I said, yes. And it was then that he explained that that was good that I smoked because now he could go to sleep because there were no matches allowed back there and no sharp eyes. You guys, some of you have been back in there. You know what I'm talking about. there's no uh no sharp objects no razor blades and all that and when the object was to keep one guy awake at all times keeping the cigarette going because otherwise you might wait three or four hours for a corpsman to come back and and give you a light so there was two of us that could do our number back and forth with a cigarette there but over in the other corner was a navy commander is all by himself in a crib And when his cigarette would go out or he'd go to sleep, his cigarette might fall on the floor or in the mattress or something like that. And then when he'd come to, he'd have to wait two or three hours. And I can remember sitting there a couple days later when my brain cleared up a little bit and I was suffering tremendous pain and all the withdrawal and all that, sitting in my crib looking over at this guy smoking my cigarette and looking at him waiting for the corpsman to come in And I said to myself, now there's a guy whose life is unmanageable. There's a sky. If I ever get that bad, I'm going to do something about my drinking and so on down. Now, I don't know why something that happened tonight reminded me of that, but I just wanted to make sure to share it. Just so you know how the old brain works and who you're dealing with up here, I have a lot of problem with priorities and getting things straightened out. Like I was saying, up in New England as a little kid, I don't know where I got all these ideas. I don' t know if any of you ever thought back and wondered where we get all these ideas. They suddenly are in our heads and we're walking around going people are mean. I mean do you ever have that idea? Or the world is cruel. and I really believe that this is an essential part of the program when they talk about old ideas availing us nothing is all of them all of these values and ideas have to go in there at least be re-evaluated and reexamined or we're going to continue to use the faulty information and I had a whole bunch of it and as I suppose I was over a few years before I started really questioning the full impact of all of this bad information I had lot of stuff growing up and somewhere along the line I got the information that I wasn't as good as the next person and that really I was sort of a unwanted little kid who had a lot of problems and he better not let anybody find out about him. I don't know where I got that but I had it and this was not helped when around six or seven I forget exactly when I got marched into the Catholic Church and I always like to share this as a matter of fact if I had to blame my alcoholism on anything I would blame it on the Catholic Church just because they're big and they got a lot of money what do they care and besides I would like them to experience some of the guilt that I experience. And so I'll tell you what my memories were walking in there. I'm trying to give you that little skinny kid. He really faints a lot, you know, that kind of kid. And I'm in there and they go, welcome little boy. We're here to tell you about God and you are in trouble. And that's the first thing you ought to learn about this. We are going to tell you all about the world and where you are going after you die and you're not going to like it and I just got into this thing and so what I'm sharing with you is my spiritual foundation that I took through life with me which was shaky to say the least and I figured the best I could hope for out of life was a draw and I remember somewhere in there there was a deal that if you could somewhere in the service They said, hey, we're going to all stop now and say a few prayers for those folks in purgatory. And that place really was my nightmare. I used to think about that a lot, going to sleep at night with purgatori. And I wanted everyone to like me so that when after I died, when they got to that spot, everybody would think of me and they'd go, get him out of purgatorio. That's the thing. So that's why it was pleasing people. And I didn't realize that until about last week. See, one of our problems in the neighborhood was, and I come from just outside of New Haven, Connecticut, in case you want to stay away from that area. One of the problems I had growing up, there was a lot of impure thoughts in my neighborhood And they would come into my room occasionally. And those had to be confessed and cost a... They were racking up years in purgatory just about all this stuff. When I was 13, I figure I had around 85,000 years to do on stuff I just thought of doing. I haven't done anything yet, and now it says guilty. So now we had a nervous little kid who was pretending to be a snob who was guilty. And I would like to talk about guilt because if any of you have read that wonderful pamphlet, The Member's Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous, my favorite pamphelet of all the ones that have been written, that author talks about guilt being the first one of our character defects to arrive and very often it's the last one to go in our sobriety. It takes years to get rid of that thing. I think it took me about seven years to finally become officially unguilty and get the stamp off of my forehead. I thought I was born guilty, that I somehow could have spared my mother the pains of childbirth. I mean, that's how self-centered I think I was and I just... I don't know if the doctors did it or what. They would just go down the line, hey guilty that one there oh another one guilty um i'd hate to tell you what i thought they made that judgment on but i'll save that for another for another talk but uh i really felt that that that was so what i had was this guilt that sense of guilt and i used to use very circular logic in figuring out what that guilt was and i would go through things like, well, that guilt must be caused by all of the things that make me feel guilty. And then I would say, yeah, but I'd like to get rid of this feeling. It's so uncomfortable. Then I would feel guilty about wanting to get red of the guilt that I had. And then, I'd say, now, what the problem is, I don't know what God's will is. And the reason I don' t know it is because I'm guilty. Otherwise, I would have a clear picture. with. I'm trying to share the number I was doing on myself growing up. I know none of you ever did that. You probably had life figured out like I assumed everybody else did, and that was the thing that was strange about growing up, whenever you'd ask another kid, how's everything going? He'd say, fine, and I really believed that. I didn't think about the fact that that's what I told other people when they asked me, and i developed the concept that I was the one who was screwed up, and everybody else was all right now. God forbid they should ever find out what's wrong inside here that i was totally confused about life it had me frightened felt uh you know any day the cat was going to be out of the bag this kid should be dragged off and so that was sort of where i was going as i moved on into high school and of course that was very intimidating because there was a lot of people there um people bothered me i did not like eyeballs looking at me i just knew that somebody was going sense the truth about this kid that he was just really uptight all the time and just didn't have quite all the answers, but he was trying to pretend that he did, trying to act real cool, trying to be a natural leader. Turned out I was a natural-born follower rather than a natural born leader, but I got to thinking about how the natural born leaders in the world would be nowhere without us natural born followers to follow them, so we do serve a very useful purpose, and I like to do my own thing. I can remember that the strange thing about doing my own things though was that it was just the same as what everybody else was doing. I don't know if any of you got involved in that. When I was growing up there would be certain tie style that came in or a crew cut or long hair. I would think of it and then all the rest of the kids would jump right on the bandwagon the week before I started doing it. I ended up going to university right in my hometown and got there, still hadn't had a drink, just felt that marvelous relationship with the world that I just described. And I got there and boy, there's a lot of smart people there and all of a sudden you were a small fish in a big pond, and it was kind of devastating. And I had more of this feeling of insecurity. And the world just was quite confusing to me. And I blame it on people like you because you used to tell me that everything was fine. It was not until I got into AA and went to a bunch of open meetings and I started seeing all kinds of people get up here and they were sharing how screwed up everything was. and I suddenly realized that I had been put on all these years by the various people telling me that everything was alright and as the years went by in AA I suddenly came to the conclusion that I would rather be me than anyone else in the world and this doesn't have anything to do with how good I feel about myself it's how screwed up I realize all you are and I've heard all these stories and I just don't want to trade with anybody it's not safe the other guy gets up here oh everything's good in my life i go keep it keep it i'll take my mess i'm used to the mess i'm working on it i'm getting that i'm get some of this stuff straightened out you know so i don't want to trade anymore because you've finally been honest and you're sharing with me that uh you're having a problem bedwetting still or something like that all right i relate to that so uh that's that's been very helpful this honesty thing to find out that other people have had a few of these problems and they've gone on a few guilt trips and can't get rid of that self-centeredness and don't understand the relationship with their parents or if they've got kids, they don't know why they don' t like them and they're trying to adjust to that. And hey, everybody's getting on it. It made me feel good that maybe I could start working on my own problems. And that was nice. That's part of AA. That was very important. There were a lot of ideas that I had to question that I was talking about. I'll tell you some of them now in case I forget them. I'll get around to having a drink in a minute, but which I was just about to do. There was a guy going to walk in and offer me.