Rick H. – Steps 10-12 Maintenance – Power In The Pen – 2024

Hi, I'm Allison. I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to read steps 10 and 11 from page 84. This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. we have entered the world of the spirit our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness this is not an overnight matter it should continue for our lifetime continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear when these crop up we ask god at once to remove them we discuss with someone who immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone who can help love and tolerance of others is our code and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned we will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we will recoil from it from recoil from a hot flame we react sanely and normally and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given to us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes. That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. instead the problem has been removed it does not exist for us we are neither cocky nor are we afraid that is our experience this is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition all right awesome yeah you're up i don't know are we ready awesome how's everybody's dinner i mean everybody ready for bed right now or i know we grabbed a couple pieces of chocolate cake for later so because i know if i ate it now i wouldn't have made it over here hi everybody i'm rick alcoholic hi rick step 10 just like she said you know we have to continue this for a lifetime this is a step that I kind of do on a regular basis at night when I'm thinking about residing and sitting at my house I shut the TV off and I kind of go over my day and think about what I did if I've been wrong or done anything. I know that's step 11 about meditation. That's a little different for me. This is just something that I do on a regular basis. I remember I had a resentment, and Dick's not here, right? so I got this resentment at someone and something going on in my life and I called Dick on the phone and I'm bitching and moaning to Dick on the phone and he said to me did you write about it and I said well no I called you on the phone i mean i figured i didn't have to write about it and he said rick he said what are we taught you know step 10 says continue to take personal inventory inventory means i'm i'm writing it out it means i'M ACTUALLY SPELLING IT OUT ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND I'M I'M ARGUING WITH HIM ON THE PHONE AND HE GOES LOOK HE SAID PULL OVER GET A CANDY WRAPPER OFF YOUR FLOOR AND WRITE IT OUT He said, I don't care if it goes in a notebook. He said just write it out on a candy wrapper off the floor of your truck and call me back. Click. I was steaming. You know, I was ready to go through the phone at him and I thought about this stuff. I said, you know what? He's right. That's how we continue to take personal inventory. My brain doesn't work correctly to analyze this stuff on my own. I have to physically, we're taught to write it out. We're taught to put it down on a piece of paper. So I pulled over and I wrote it out and by the time I got to the fourth column in my inventory that I'm writing out I saw what my part was in it. I saw how selfish and self-centered I was wanting this guy that I am angry with to behave my way. I saw that in that inventory and I called Dick back and he said, so, what did you see? and I said yeah you're right I hate it when he's right but most of the time he's write and um and I and I it put me in a better place you know I didn't have to carry that and that's my suggestion to all you the people of when you get into this step when you to this step don't let stuff build up take care of it right away take care that when it happens it won't be that thorn in your side or that pebble in your shoe you know I have that I give my guys that I sponsor all the time when we talk about this is that pebblen the shoe thing you know if I ignore that pebbling my shoe eventually it becomes a sore you know eventually that sore becomes infected and before I know it they're cutting off my foot you know if i just got rid of the pebble when it was there and it was just nagging me a little bit it would never have gotten to that point where i'm biting somebody's head off over something trivial that um that usually is what we are angry about anyways 90 percent of the time so i have to make sure i do this step on a regular basis when those things crop up I had this sponsee, and he got mad at me because I wasn't returning his text messages. He's a text message guy, or he would text me. And I'm busy. I'm at work. I'm working. And what he's texting me about really doesn't require that answer in my mind right now. And so now I text him. I'm trying to text him afterwards, and I get a phone call from another guy down in Connecticut, program guy, and he calls me, and He starts, well, you know, Mike's a little pissed off at you. You know, this and that. He's telling me this story. And I'm like, dude, he knows what to do. I said, all he had to do was call me. It's because I didn't return his text message about the weather or about how much air pressure to put in his tires of his truck or something. I said he just had to call me, because, well, he's pretty pissed off, you don't return His calls, He doesn't hang out with you or whatever. I'm like... I said He knows what to do. now this guy I'm talking to on the phone's got 30 years of sobriety and I'm saying, now I'm arguing with him on the phone. I'm like, what are we supposed to do? What does step 10 teach us to do if he's angry, he needs to inventory. If he's pissed off at me he needs the inventory that and he needs see what his part in it is and try to set right that wrong and I'm letting him sit in it for a reason. I'm not calling him, I'm not texting him. Oh, he's pretty mad or I said, you know what? I'm going to call. I got on the phone. I got Mike on the telephone. I'm like, hey, what's going on? Like nothing was happening, okay? And I kind of said to him, I said Mike, I said I heard you pissed off at me. Well, yeah, you know, you never returned my text message about the tire pressure. I'm like, Mike, I'm a busy guy. I'm working. I would have gotten back to you. But what are we taught to do? This is one of those steps that we kind of can drift away from. And I've done it in my own life. I've been in my past where I've kind of, you know, forgot about this, where I'm supposed to do this. and I've let that pebble become that sore in my foot. So I have to pay attention to that, and I haveto remember that it tells us we need to do that immediately. We have to get it out on paper, not call me on the phone. Get it on paper because my brain... I don't know about yours, but my brain doesn't analyze things correctly. I'm an alcoholic. and on paper it's a completely different process there's power in the pen i was told way back in my early sobriety they said to me it's powering the pen rick you know you put it down on paper it becomes real when it's spinning around in this bingo ball up here um it just becomes another number i hate to say it but it's just but that's what happens you know we we tend to try to over analyze things and let that spin around in our heads you know and when i get to that spot i literally take out a candy wrapper or whatever's right there and i write it out and usually i can see where i'm wrong usually i I can see where I'm trying to control something or I'm dying to be, what's the word? I mean, selfish, self-centered. And I have to pay attention to that when that crops up. And I has to do it. In the beginning of my step work and in the beginning my inventory stuff, I did this a lot, a lot. and um the longer i'm around the the deeper i get into my sobriety time um it doesn't happen as often now because i don't let it i don'T let that pebble even get to my shoe i wear socks or something you know but but that that's kind of just the analogy that i have for you about step 10 i have to i have TO BE AWARE OF THOSE THINGS WHEN THEY'RE WHEN they're starting to be a problem and I have to take care of them immediately because I know for me, and I don't know about you guys, but if I hang on to stuff in my early step work sobriety back in the day, I would hang on. I'd hang on stuff and next thing you know, I'm redoing my inventory. I got so much crap, I need another notebook kind of thing. And that's how we prevent that from happening is to do this on a regular basis when they crop up. And you just have to pay attention to this. And it says, oops, sorry Rob, those are yours. That's right, no, these are the expensive ones, remember? so it says he says love and tolerance of others is our code remember i mentioned those one-liners those little things that aren't in our step work on the wall you know those are those things that we have to pay attention to By now, in my life or in my sobriety, I'm paying attention to this kind of stuff. Love and tolerance is our code. That means if somebody pisses me off, I have to figure out a way to show them love and be tolerant of what they're doing to me. Even if it's bad to me, I Have to pay attention to that. And the next line, it says, and we've ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. How many of us have sat around a group conscience meeting at the end of a meeting? How many? You know, you know, everybody, everybody's everybody sat into a to a meeting, you know, after after the meeting to talk about what goes on at the meeting. And and I listened to some of the petty stuff that people argue about. And and and I and I keep my mouth shut and I'm not talking bad about anybody. But I just I sit there and listen and the things that they argue about and will go on and on and about you know the the color of the coffee cups or the the size of the napkins we need to have for cookies or you know something like that and and it's those those trivial things that that and those trivial thanks don't get me wrong in my in my life or in all of ours lives those trivial thinks can turn into friggin mountains and the next thing you know we could be drinking over it. That's why that's in there. If I'm not, if I'm fighting with everything and everything that goes on in my life, you know, 90% of the time, it doesn't matter if it goes my way or that way. Doesn't matter the size of the napkin or the color of the cup. And I use those examples and they're pretty crazy but they're true it's the petty little things that we can we can turn into mountains over nothing and um and over over time of doing step 10 those things have gotten less and less and i'm paying attention to those little things less and last i've ceased fighting anything in every one and it's it's made my life so much easier to deal with on that basis because I was the guy that was probably the one that wanted a six-inch napkins instead of that you know but um but that's just the way I was and it says that is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition I have to be I have to have a spiritual condition to keep it in a good spiritual condition. Hopefully, by the time you get to step 10, you've gotten some kind of spirituality out of this program. You've gotten something out of it. You've got this, and you're starting to get better, hopefully. And if I'm in good spiritual conditions, the size of those napkins doesn't bother me. And that's a trivial little thing. think about the things that go on in your own household we were talking about that one of the people at dinner and and it's funny how we um we can we can take it out in the world we can, we can take it into a meeting but then we get home and we're fighting about the napkins right isn't that what happens we don't take it into our house that's where we do have to do it the best and the biggest than the most those are the people we owe it the most to is the people in our home and those are ones that we fight the most I know I did okay that's where I was and we've all heard this phrase we are headed for try it is easy to let up on a our spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We have not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. I have to remember that. And the next line is pretty good. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. It doesn't say work and AA meetings, it says all of them. All my activities. That means the Dunkin' Donuts line, that means the Mass Turnpike when I'm traveling to work, it means all of my activities, I have to do that. I'm okay in all of those places as long as I'm in good, fit spiritual condition. And I thank this program for giving me that spiritual condition in the beginning because I didn't have any when I first came here. A belief in anything I didn' t have. So I take this step to heart. Where is it? I lost something. Here's one for you, a one-liner here. We react sanely and normally. And we find that this has happened automatically. You know, if you're ever in a fit spiritual condition, it will happen automatically. It will be sane. You know? If I just stay... Keep my spiritual condition close. And here's another one in this same paragraph. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. Like I mentioned, if I let that pebble build up in my shoe, I could drink over that pezzle. I could drank over that napkin. I could drunk over that cup. you know I have to I have to pay attention to those things when they crop up you know I don't have to argue about things today and that's because of that spiritual condition that we learn here in the program so remember to do those things remember to do step 10 on a regular basis I believe some of these steps when you first come in here You look at the wall and you see the 12 steps on the wall and you look at them and you say, okay, I can do that one, that one. And I'm skipping those three and I'm not doing that one I think that once you've been through your inventory all of these steps can be done at any given time. Pay attention to when they're a problem. And there's always some... My sponsor is great. He always said to me, no matter what goes on in your life the answer is in this book. there's an answer in this book that'll point you in a direction of where you're going wrong what you're doing wrong and what you need to do right step 10 keeps me in that spiritual condition if I just keep doing it on a regular basis want to give me something on step 10 so step 10 what oh perseverance is the principle and continuous look at our assets and liabilities and usually today i have more assets and liabilities thank gosh but i had to pay attention to the the concept of like the emotional hangover because that was a big piece for me because i wasn't spiritually fit and my sponsor told me when i first came in before i even did my inventory you can still do a step 10 every single day and it was the beginning of like paying attention to my behaviors and um making note of like how I'm showing up and um and it was never really good in the beginning I had a lot to do but um I was able to find some positive things you know just even going to meetings just not drinking um it was really basic important stuff in the beginning. But then, you know, it was the different stuff when I got into, you know, I got a little bit better and my behaviors weren't so glaring. You know, that radical change had taken place. But, then, you know there was times that, you know, I thought maybe I would constructively criticize you because you needed to hear it. And, you know, it's because I love you. And so, hi there. So then I had to start really looking at my motives and checking my motives. And you know it probably wasn't necessary for the constructive criticism, especially because nobody asked. And it's not even my place. And maybe I was just trying to look better than you, you know, and get to the ugly bottom line. And Yvonne was a big bottom line person. Don't read me a book, just boom, bottom line, so that was a really helpful thing was to check my motives and not lie to myself about my motives because that was easy to do because, you know, I wanted to pretend I was that nice girl. But not always. I love this part where it talks about it is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. And I love that's part of like this little acceptance card that I keep by my bed and it says you know if anything is wrong with you know what if I think there's something wrong in this world it's not everything is just fine it's me and I have to look at me and i can't sit there and judge and blame and point fingers and do all that good stuff um that was comfortable for me I had to actually say something's going on pay attention. Doesn't mean you have to know what it is, understand what it is, but you can't keep pointing that off on someone else. Because I was good at that too, you know? I would transfer my ick, you know, that I had a strong disease in me which I would then transfer on anybody who would take it and then I would walk away feeling better and you would sit there and have all my ick on you and be like, how did that happen? Because I was sick. And then in self-restraint, I love how they talk about the self- restraint in this step and nothing like the restraint of tongue and pen. Because I had a really sharp tongue. i can remember my brother saying to me many many years ago this is how delusional i was he said you know sonya you have a really sharp tongue and it really hurts people and i said you know what todd you're just pissed because you're not as quick on your feet as me and like i thought it was a good thing like it was ridiculous that beating people up with my mouth i thought was like one of my assets i mean really it was in the wrong column but you know that's what i did and it's not an asset it's horrible because you can't put that back in the toothpaste container ever you can'T unhear that stuff um yeah just you know learning what my triggers were in life from just my whether it be conditioning or my experiences traumas and whatnot um you know that's why the people inside my household can push my buttons and that's Why It's So Easy To Use This Program In Here And At Dunkin Donuts and on the Mass Pike. But when I go home, those are the people who are emotionally invested to me in my life, who I've allowed access to those pieces of me. And it's my job though to understand what my pain is, what my triggers are. So when life is coming at me, it doesn't just pummel me and, you know, I have PTSD or I go into like a catonic state or something. You know, it's like sidestepping those traps. And everybody has different traps. So you can't just make a list. You know? You have to really know who you are and know what's happened. And when I allow people into those places, you know, it's scary because I'm vulnerable and I allow different feelings and vulnerabilities and that's where I can get hurt. So I have to be able to recognize that's my responsibility if somebody is saying or doing or whatnot. and then I have to remember who's saying or doing or blah blah blah because I can look at that and take it personal and that's always like painful um or I can Look at it and just say it's just who they are and I can choose you know today how I feel and I used to be like what are you talking about nobody can make you feel yes well that's because I was riding on emotions all the time so of course, everybody was making me feel a certain way. But today I do not let people decide how I feel. They do not get access to that. I am the one who decides if your comment felt nice or yours felt mean or that, or if I'm going to take it personal, like it's all in my wheelhouse to decide. And when I did, you know, doing a step 10 every day and every night, and I do a spot check during the day, I'm more aware of what people I'm going to allow in my life to have feelings that I'm gonna decide work or don't work for me. Because I worked really hard to find me. And I was told by this spiritual advisor that I did a lot of work with. She said, you know, when throughout your life, you either, you were born with all your pieces, but throughout your life, whether you're a child and people took some of your pieces. Whether you gave them away freely. Whether you give them away to the wrong people. The job that you're in now in the spiritual place is to retrieve all your pieces back and they're not going to fit all together because now it's like sea glass. They're like the edges are smooth or sharp or whatever. And so instead of having this, you know, innocent portrait of yourself, now you have an amazing mosaic, which has got so much more character and wear and tear. And I had to look at all of those pieces of sea glass every day to some degree of how they all unfolded and how they work in my life today and how I manage them. And it is, you know, it's my job to manage me. And if I manage me, then I probably am not going to have a whole lot going on in my step 10 because I'm not trying to manage all of you. And I'm letting, you know, me be me. And one of my biggest character defects is I wanted you to behave the way I wanted You to behave. And then Yvonne said to me, Sony, you're not behaving the way they want you to behavior. Like nobody's behaving right. so I had to let go of everybody else and within that I found peace and serenity and I'm comfortable in myself and you know I also when I was in rehab I remember them telling me I was mentally ill and I thought to myself no that guy over there with wet brain that's mentally ill and that guy and that girl, I'm not mentally ill. But I realized I was. But then I also learned here that finally we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong. And then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually mean. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it it is pointless to become angry or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. And it's so true. Like we're all just trying to grow up. Like whatever. So I just let people off the hook all the time because like whatever. People let me off the cook a lot of times when I can't believe they did, but they did. And what a gift they gave me, you know? And so there's times I know people are lying straight to my face. Great. What does that take away from me? Nothing. Like, I don't need to question it. If that makes them feel good and get through the day, God bless them. I know my truth. And that's all that matters. And I don't have to carry resentments either because I'm not having expectations of people being something I don' t approve of or want them to be something else. So, you know, I just really, I think it was good that I stopped making unreasonable demands on people especially the people I love because that's not love. It's just not. and I'm glad today I understand that and it's learning you know, it's like this is how we learn to character build is reviewing every day just some of the stuff we do and I used to be in competition and compare myself a lot and today I am in competition and I do compare but it's with me and every day I just want to be a little bit better than I was the day before, you know? And it's really so easy to live life like that. Like, life was awful before I got sober. Like every day I woke up going, I can't believe I have to do this again. Like this is so heavy. It's awful. And it was. And it's like, I would look around and people were happy. And I'd be like, what are they on? Because I know they're not drinking and drugging. What is the deal? And, you know, they just didn't do all the things I do when they were living, you now, peace and serenely. And, that's my license plate on my car is serenity. And I love that because I worked really hard to get serenety. And to me, serenITY means I'm in the middle and it doesn't matter what's going around me. It really doesn't. I'm okay. And it doesn'T affect me. I mean, I got a kid in Canada. I barely have heard from him. He sent me one picture of him and his school friends. He's been there for days. He won't be home for days and like there's an american embassy there's a teacher on the field trip my mother is addicted to the news so i will hear whatever you know it's like i mean i pay attention and stuff but i just i want them to see that i am responsible for me and they will mimic and learn that they are responsible for them so you know my whole job of getting sober was for me but man did my kids learn a lot from seeing a sober mom so that's it awesome all right this brings us to step 11 you guys with notebooks and pens and everything else get ready wow because the bingo ball is spinning bingo he's gonna pick the number 11 yep and i got i got some numbers for you though too you'll wait in a minute okay here we are step 11 step 11 suggests prayer and meditation we shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer better men than we are using it constantly. It works if we have the proper attitude and work at it. It would be easy to be vague about this matter, yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions. What's the attitude you think that they're talking about? They've mentioned it three other times in this book about an attitude, but yet they never really came right out and said, with this attitude you can be okay. But yet they did. So here's where I'm going to give it to you. Page 26. And if you don't have your book, you know it is a big book weekend, but I mean I understand you didn't bring it, but again on bottom of page 26 It says, but this man still lives and is a free man. He does not need a bodyguard, nor is he confined. He can go anywhere on this earth where other free men may go without disaster, provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude. Again, they don't tell you what that attitude is. It just says it's a simple attitude and must be easy to do, right? now move over to page 50 last full paragraph on page 50 here are thousands of men and women worldly indeed they flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a power greater than themselves to take a certain attitude toward that power and to do certain simple things, there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements. Still don't tell you what the attitude is, right? That one's page 50. so i gave you 26 50 now we're going back to where we just were up on 86 and that's the one i read it said step 11 suggests prayer meditation we shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer better men than we are using it constantly and it works if we have the proper attitude and work at it it wouldn't be easy it would be easy to be vague about this matter, yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions. So there they talk about a proper attitude. So they've talked about a simple attitude, they've talking about a certain attitude, and they've talk about the proper attitude. Here's where bingo comes in, page 55, second to last paragraph. We can only clear the ground a bit if our testimony sweeps away prejudice, open-minded, enables you to think honestly, honesty, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, willingness. Then if you wish, you can join us on the broad highway with this attitude, you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you. Honesty, open-minded and willing. We hear that all the time at the meetings, right? That's where it comes from. That's the attitude that we need to be when we're here. Somebody showed me that a long time ago. I think his name was Brian. He was a speaker here. Brian was from Texas, and I think I got that from him. So I'm not a genius. That came from him, and Brian's not a genious either because it came from one of his inmate friends at a prison somewhere. So that's what he told me a long time ago. But that's the thing we need to have when we come here, and that's What They're Talking About. It's about getting a certain simple proper attitude, and that attitude is being honest, open-minded, and willing. And that'swhat this program is all about, right? It's being able to let God in and be open-mindered about what a higher power really means to you and be willing to move towards that higher power. To me, that's huge. so here we are in step 11 and uh i told you guys the story about when i first got sober i was i was trying to i was going through divorce and separation and that whole thing and i'm crying like a baby and i ended up at dick's house and um and and dick was leaning against the garage door smoking a cigar if you remember on friday night i told her the story and he told me he was meditating. He was just kind of reflecting on his day and I didn't know what the hell he was doing. I was like, what are you doing out here? This is the step that he was done. He was meditating, looking over his day and trying to reflect on where he went wrong and what he had done good and what she needed to do better. This is an important thing for us alcoholics Because if we're trying to stay in fit spiritual condition, I need to keep that contact with my higher power close and tight. This is one of the ways that I do it. As I got home at night before I shut my lights off, and sometimes I shut the lights off and I lay there in bed. And I think about what went on in my day. I think About where I'd gone wrong and what I need To do right and what i need to change. Let me see if I can get back there. And it gives us concrete directions right here. It says, when we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What should we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? of what we think and what we could do for others, of what мы could pack into the stream of life. What we must be careful, but we must not be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review, we ask God's forgiveness and we inquire what corrective measures should be taken. in the beginning of my sobriety my head was spinning like my bingo ball and I had all kinds of stuff that I needed to correct and all kinds of stuff I needed to do now that I've been doing this for a long time those things are few and far between I can look back in my day and see where I was trying to bring God's will into my life and where I was trying to do something for someone else. I can pay attention to that, and I look at that. It's important that we need to kind of look at how we're keeping in fit spiritual condition and in contact with our higher power, and this is one of the places we can do it. As it goes on, there's more to this. It says, on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. So, you know, this is before bed and when we get up. It's a meditation thing where we can look ahead and see what we got coming up and what we can do. It says, we consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions, we can employ our mental faculties with assurance. After all, God gave us brains to use. Our thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. In thinking about our day, we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought, or a decision. We relax and take it easy. Another one of those one-liners that I talk about. I never relaxed and took it easy when I thought about my day and something was bugging me, it bugged me all day. It rented space in my head and bothered me all day. We're alcoholics. What's the hardest thing for us alcoholics to do besides not drink? do nothing the hardest thing i've ever done in my life is do nothing you know when i have a when i'm an indecision it tells us we pause we take it easy sometimes we do nothing i always had to kind of control things and move the chess pieces around so that everything went perfect that day and everything else and you know what since i stopped doing that since i started just kind of sitting back when i don't get that intuitive thought from my higher power or what to do in that situation i do nothing and usually that situation turns out 10 times better than what i had in my head because i did nothing because i didn't i wasn't in control of that i wasn'T trying to move the chess pieces to make my day go better or to make Rick look better. And that's hard to do. That's extremely hard to do when we're as selfish and self-centered as we are. But again, that's what this prayer and meditation is designed to do, is to keep us close to our higher power. Try it. I don't think Dick's as crazy as I thought he was. I know he's here. I saw him go there. About meditation. After I'm doing this for a while, it says what used to be a hunch or an occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. our bodies are funky things. You know, everybody understand what muscle memory means? We do something enough times, our bodies react to it easily. I used to race motorcycles and when we would go to the practice track and we would look at a jump and say, okay, it's 50 feet to make this jump. And you do it the first time and you come up short. Okay, you know you've got to increase that speed a little bit. You do it the next time you come up long. Now you over-jumped it. You went too far. Eventually you figure out what you need to do to get that jump perfect. And it's funny. Our brains work in that way. Once I knew what that speed was and how fast I needed to be, it didn't matter how I came into that corner or how I came up to that jump, my brain knew I was going to make that jump. It's the same thing here with this. If I keep practicing this, it becomes a working part of my mind. My mind's muscle memory reminds me when I'm doing something wrong. It points out that direction. It points OUT what I need to do next. It becomes a WORKING PART OF THE MIND. And if I do this on a regular basis, you know what it is? It's not my muscle memory. It's more my God consciousness than anything is what it is. It's my higher power reminding me what I've been asking for all these steps up till now and always what it does. Here's a hard one. We ask especially for freedom from self-will and be careful not to make any requests for ourselves only. I'm selfish, self-centered to the extreme. You know, I want everything right now. That's the way I was. I have to make sure that when I'm asking for prayer and I'm doing meditation that I'm not looking for something just for me. Selfish and self-centred motives. And Bill was funny. I think it says, he pushes again. He says, as we go through our day, we pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day, thy will be done. We hear that said at the end of the prayer all the time, you know, when we say the serenity prayer, Your will, not mine, be done. I can't even say it. But it also says here, it says, we are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We've become much more efficient. We don't tire so easily. We are not burning up energy foolishly. Think about that. Think about how much energy it took to be angry and resentful and how tired you'd be at the end of the day. The good thing he said, he puts this in here too, he says we alcoholics are undisciplined. It's a good thing that he puts that in there because I'm not as disciplined as I make it out to be. Some days I just hit the pillow and go to bed. When I wake up the next morning I say to myself, oh yeah, I didn't ask for that or I had that thing on my head and they couldn't sleep. But I try to do this on a regular basis, and I try to pay attention to where I'm angry and where I am resentful, and this keeps me closer to my higher power and connected. So I'll let you take care of step 11. Thank you. I'm Sonia, and I'm an alcoholic. Sonia. I love the last part of just what Step 11 says, his will for us and the power to carry that out. And that's what I actually pray for is like I know life is going to happen. However, if God, my higher power can give me what I need to get through it so I can show up and be the best me with love and patience and a sober mind that has clarity. That's really the goal because I just don't like, I don't mind conflict today because I know who I am and I know what I stand for, not that I run towards it, but I don'T need to get into it ever. And so if there's something going on and it's something I need to respond to, I just want the help and the guidance and have what I need to manage that situation. Spiritual awareness is the principle. And I can remember Yvonne saying to me, Sony, when I'm spiritually fit, somebody can walk along and slap me in the face and I won't even care. I'll say thank you she said but if I'm not yikes so um you know she really had a lot of has a lot spirituality and that's what I found attractive in her and her way of always turning stuff over to God and making that being her go-to and should say to me early on like well where's your higher power in this. And I'd be like, well, I don't know, but I'm, you know, and she'd be like, oh my God, she's not even hearing me. And I did, I guess, but I blew right through that because I wanted to control it. But, you know, I learned over time that that wasn't bringing me to the places that I wanted for emotional sobriety and spiritual sobriete. And I believe this is what landed me in recovery is, you know, body, mind and spirit is how I look at it. And my body was fading first. I was really, really, I was probably 15 pounds thinner than I am now. So I was very unhealthy physically mentally I was crazy off the rails and it was the trifecta that spiritual bankruptcy that hit me and you know I still had the house I still have the cars I still have the kids the husband the whatever people protecting me and my drug use and whatever but it wasn't about that stuff. There was nothing left of me, and this was what I got back that morning. I woke up when God's grace came into my life was that spiritual fulfillment that I didn't even know I had lost, but that was what was the first of those three things to come back. And you know, it took a little bit for the body and a lot of it for the mind, but it came back in the exact opposite order that I lost it in, which is sort of interesting in my experience. But um and being connected and being you know when my will and God's will are in alignment my life goes quite well you know and because I don't really have to do a lot like I just have to get up and do my job and be kind and go home and pet my dog you know it's great um And I don't have to get mixed up in everything because of my ego today, and it's so much better. Prayer and meditation for me is, I can remember hearing prayer is asking for help and meditation is listening for the answers, and I found that comforting in the beginning. And doing yoga is a very connecting thing for me as well to body, mind, and spirit and allowing my higher power in that just really feels right. I love Eastern medicine and the Eastern practices. Of course, if I break my leg, I can't wait for Western medicine to cast me up. So I'm blessed I have both in the lifetime I was born and where I live and whatnot. It says here, those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it than we would refuse air, food or sunshine. And for the same reason, when we refuse air light or food, the body suffers. And when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needing support. As the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of his strength. and at the atmosphere of his grace. To an amazing extent, the facts of A.A. life confirm this ageless truth. And, you know, that was part of the spiritual condition that I lacked so much was the intuition, that sixth sense that we get and the cues that our physical body tell us to lead me through this world. And when I shut those off, when I was little, I didn't have that compass. So boom, like I was relying solely on my brain, which I thought was good, telling me the right stuff. I didn't know my brain was sick. So when I got sober and I was really connected to my higher power, it was like my intuition came back stronger than ever. You know, when a dog doesn't like something or someone, the hair on his back stands up. I can feel that today. I mean, I don't have hair on my back, but I can see it. feel like tingling, you know, or I have that sense. He'll vouch for me. I do not. I don't. My sister can too if he wants to pull a fast one. But that has been such a gift, being connected spiritually through prayer and meditation is getting back those cues that, you know, I was supposed to be using this whole time to make my journey as a human not as frightening. But, you know better late than never. I also dig the Lord make me a channel of thy peace that where there is hatred I may bring love. That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness. That where there is discord, I may bring harmony. That were there is error, I made being truth and that where there's doubt, I'm a bring faith. That that's where the that's where there is despair, I may bring hope. That whether there are shadows, I may bring light, that where there is sadness I may bring joy. Lord grant, Lord grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand and to be understood, to love than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is forgiving that one is forgiven. and it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. Amen. And I really love that it just shows it's the opposite of my makeup of selfishness. You know, it's not all about me. And, you know, I had an incident at work that was really super stressful and super complex and DCF was involved and my client and my partner's client was the mom and I have a 10-year-old daughter and, you know, she's not safe. And the mother's an alcoholic. And it was really hard. DCF came and snatched the kids right away when I made the report. And, you now, we were all trying to process it over the days And, you know, Friday morning, I just thought to myself, you know, like, I wonder, like how my partner is doing. Like it's like she said this in her whole career. She's been around a long time. She's like retiring. This was the worst session she ever had to do. And it was like, you Know, it wasn't about me and her processing and figuring it all out and stuff. And it was like, wow, I wonder really how she's doing, you know. And to be able to care today, like before it would have been like, oh my, whatever. But, you now, it was, it's not just about me. There's other people. And I'm so glad that I have that today. And, you Now, to understand and to be understood. I mean, that's where half of my energy went. always just trying to make you understand that i'm right and i'm defensive and you know like all that stuff and you now um and to love than to be loved and i can remember yvonne saying to me you know what when i was i'm not getting what i want and emotionally and she says how about you stop waiting for it to land on your plate and why don't you give it see what you get back and it was amazing everything I put out I got back and like 10 times more from people I didn't even expect it from but I had to humble myself and I had to like do something that was uncomfortable and then it started to feel good and like any good addict i wanted more you know i'm so addicted to recovery i love it um thank god i wish a little exercise would jump in there but it's not happening i try once in a while um yeah exactly and then I love the piece here it says perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us we no longer live in a completely hostile world we are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless the moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seemingly evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in a purely human affair. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to him, all will be well with us here and thereafter. And for me, that's such comfort, that concept of belonging. Because when I was active, I wanted to fit in. I didn't understand what belonging meant. It wasn't about belonging. It was just about fitting in so I didn't stick out like a sore thumb. Because I didn' t know the right way of living. I would just do whatever you did and you did, and that's why my behaviors and emotions were not consistent because I didn''t have a deep sense of what I believed in. So I couldn' t be consistent. So if I responded like you one day, it looked good, and then I'd respond like you. Like, it just wasn't comfortable and people didn't know what to make of that. And so, you know, when I got sober, it wasn't about fitting in anymore. It was about belonging. And to me, that's the connectedness. And I can belong and I don't want to fit in. Yeah, I wanted to wear orange pants today. You know what I mean? Like, I love fashion. I love shopping. Some people collect like gnomes and stuff. I collect clothes. So, you know, I mean, we all have our thing. And it makes me happy. But when I used to work in the Senate and whatnot, like other places, I used to have to have certain suits and look the part and do the da-da-da because it was about fitting in. And I wanted to fit in so I didn't, you know, rock the boat in a sea of gray and black suits in the senate. You know, I'd wear a red one so they knew where I was. And, you now, it was like I had motives. But now my motives today are because it's fun. Like, yeah, I don't want to be the same as everybody else. I don'T want to BE like super Miss unique. I DON'T need to go down that road. But I mean, like, well, if they sell them, other people have been buying them. So, you know, and I ordered a red and a pink pair, not the same style, but maybe someday you'll see them. um but yeah it's like fun you know it's so fun and you know being connected to my higher power has allowed me to go back to being that mystical magical spontaneous little girl who I never wanted to not be but I just couldn't be because of situations and so I'm not giving her up again you know that inner child in me suffered for so many years and I put her in a box and I Put Her on the Shelf and what I found out is I didn't know it consciously when I did that but I put all of the good pieces of me in that box every piece of me that was worth anything. I tucked away and she got good and mad and wanted to come out and put those pieces back together and put them in me. And that's all of my self-esteem and my self-worth and all of that. And it took a lot of work for her to feel safe enough to trust me again. But I had kids, and I know how to love my kids. And I had to take her and love her the same way and figure out by listening through prayer and meditation what she needed, what she was lacking. And she needed nurturing. You know, I say it all the time, like when I came to AA, you all told me you would love me till I learned to love myself. And I couldn't believe you knew that that was a secret I'd been holding, but you all knew it and you all did it. And, I did learn to love myself in these rooms. And it's not that my mom and dad and my family didn't love me when I was a kid. They had a lot of their own stuff going on when I look and inventory their life. And they loved me the way they knew how. But like Yvonne said, it wasn't the way Sonia needed to be loved. They missed a few things and maybe they didn't have the capacity. I don't know. But I do know that, like I said before, it is my responsibility to take the journey and figure out how to embrace and love those pieces of me the way they need to be loved. Because I'm grown up, it's not their job anymore. They can't fix it, you know? And why would I want them to when I can fix it and know that it feels right and I'm getting what I need? So, you now, prayer and meditation for me has a lot of questions, has a lot of answers and has a lot of peace. And it brings me joy. It brings me joy. And when I was at that house at Eden Hill, I was sitting on the bed and oddly enough, I worked for Senate Democrat leadership and she worked for Senator our leadership. It was so funny because she was volunteering there. And When I walked in, I Was like, Oh my God, like what are you doing here like wow and it was great because the day I was bawling my eyes out not knowing what I was feeling she sat down on the bed and she put her hands to my face and said do you want to know the answer of what you're feeling and I yes and she said Tanya that's joy and I was like really and she says yes and I learned that all the years I had just been feeling happiness manufactured from outside but joy is from the inside out for me and it is the gift of a lifetime so thanks