Restoration to Sanity – The Four Seasons Workshop – Part 2 of 8 – Don A.

Or I get, see, where am I in terms of spirit and intent with that? If I find out I'm a mistrusting person, I have a lot of mistrust, well, then what happens if I go work on that? Because very often we work on symptoms. There's something wrong with me in relationships. I cannot be intimate. I just can't take risk. I've got to learn to be a risk taker. But can I be a restaker if I don't create back within myself a sense of trust? So if I work in a trust, will the risk-taking ability change without me working on it? So I'm working on the right stuff. See, you can... I don't know what I don' t know. You can work on the wrong stuff and be working on a symptom and it won't ever change. It's really a struggle. Now, the neat thing about the human being is if we have missed something in this developmental process, we have the ability to go back and put it back inside of ourselves. To be restored to sanity so we have the ability if we've missed something so most of this that we're going through these developmental stages is to kind of get from I don't know what I don' t know to now I know what I don''t know so once I know these things as I start to work those steps then I should be able to really accelerate my growth and really grow at a very sound path if I know how the Great Spirit made us and I work in harmony with getting me back to that system he made and not invent it. Now, let's just say that you have a little baby, say 18 months old, has developed a sense of trust. In other words, they have this feeling and we've seen some of them. The world is a good place and they and I belong in it and then they start walking. Now, the adults will call that next stage autonomy or it also means a senseof independence. So, a two-year-old, when they can start walking, It takes three adults full time, see, working in shifts just to hang with them. See, because they get up there, you start setting them on the ground and their feet are going like this. They're just waiting for you to let them hit the ground and they're off. And they're into everything. I mean, they're just into the dirt and they'RE tasting this and taking toast and dumping it in the milk and reaching in and squeezing it and making messes, see? Now, what's the two most favorite words of a two-year-old? No. Uh-uh. Now, at that developmental stage, that two-year-old has to develop a sense of independence. So they try to break away from mom and dad. I am my own person now. You want to do this? No. Well, let me butter this. I'll do it myself. Uh-uh. You want me to eat this? Uh-huh. No. Uh-unh. No, no, no. See, and a two- year-old would be a perfect juvenile if he could just drive a car. Right? They're just tearing everything up. Now, you'll see very often, like say two daughters come over to mom's place. Each has a two-year-old. And one of the moms will come over and they take their two-years-old and they sit him on the chair and she just sits there so perfect and so proper. The other sister brings her kid over and I'm telling you, that little boy just tears grandma's place up. He's in everything, the pots and the pans and exploring and doing all this stuff. And they say to that person, why isn't that one like that good little girl? That good little girl may very well be the one that's not developing mentally healthy. You see, because you're supposed to develop that sense of trust, that sense of freedom, because it's at that stage where you start to learn to make choices and decisions. I'll do it myself, thank you. So when you see those little two-year-olds doing that, you see, when you see them making a choice or a decision, they draw this weird thing or whatever and they show it to you. ooh, I like how you decided that. You're something. You're good at it. And you see them. You walk around nose up in the air. Ooh, I'm good at this. So at that stage, you see, you're supposed to develop that sense of independence. Because if you don't develop that sense, it's a feeling, a sense of being independent, then what will you see later on? Can't make decisions. Indecisive. Wishy-washy. not taking risk afraid of this afraid of that does that make sense so when we start to develop ourselves and go through the steps if we start to come back and take a look at this developmental cycle as we work the steps and I see I'm having trouble with choice and decisions I'm not having a hard time in relationships and I can ask myself do I have this feeling of independence if not then maybe I need to go back and do something to bring it back inside of myself so I can have that stage because that's how the Creator made me. He says, one thing to grow up in my world that I created to be mentally healthy is you must develop a sense of trust that you belong in this world. It's a natural state for you and you love being here. Not only that, your function from choice and decision. You have the ability to do that. Uh-huh? on what well the that's really handled in a step like you you see where is it you function from trust at the level of spirit intent trust in that sense is a decision. If you trust someone too much, that's not trust, right? That is a different issue than trust and that's some kind of a fear. We'll get into some of that. Could we just ask that one just a little bit later because there's more information will really help. It's like you cannot... Trust is not a volume. Trust Trust is a decision. You cannot trust too much. That's called some other thing, but not trust. Any other questions or comments on this? The next stage you go through is a stage called initiative and this happens about ages maybe four to seven. Now you see little kids, what you'll see them as often they just go from tearing everything up. Often you see them, they become really pretending type. They have like imaginary friends, pet turtles and they make you set places for them at the supper table sit here in front of your friend and they talk to them just like they're real and then you'll see them they do all sorts of weird things you know one day they'll have a pan on their head and they pretend to be a policeman then the next day they're like a cop then the second day the next thing they're cowboys and they want all this stuff on them see well it's at that stage they are developing and so they're saying i wonder what it's like to be a policeman see so they put a pain on their head and they run around blowing sirens and doing that stuff and the next day i want to just like to be a call call person you know cowboy so they started shooting like this do i stop and you'll see them sometimes they'll come up like on their they'll pretend like they're a dog see they'll grab your pant leg like that and they'll set up and bark like that and you reach up there get a cookie see make them speak you give him that cookie pat him on the head see kick him in the and help now now it's okay see if you're three four and five doing that but if you've got a teenager just doing that like barking like a dog you're really in trouble you got a sick kid it's really bad right so it's at that stage where they are developing now imagination, the ability to vision, creativity skills. So they're developing that. Then you'll see this you, this young person will grow and they'll come to that next stage of development called industry or another word for it is sense of accomplishment. So at that stage, either there's pre-teenage years, there's two feelings that the human being needs to have. One feeling is, I'm good at something's feelings. I'm good for something's feeling. We need to have that feeling. I am good at it. Now you'll see, like culturally, we always, we knew who we were. Why am I? Who am I and where am I going? We always knew. Well, you know him, he's a hunter. You know her, she's the... And that feedback was always to give us that feeling of being good for something, good at something. You see, a lot of teachers are pretty good at it in school. They have little badges and little happy faces, you know. You go up there and get your test and go, ooh, look, you get a blue happy face. See? Man, you're something. See, I'm good at this. So you get those I'm-good-at-it feelings. Or you'll see boys' clubs or some of our drum groups. What they're doing is they're giving those youth those feelings I'm great at it, I'm not good at that. I'm a good for-something feeling. But you see, what happens if you don't develop those feelings, it's a polarity system. So I will develop then I'm not good for nothing feelings. I'm good at anything feelings. Excuse me, what age does that mean? Eight to twelve. That's the pre-teenage years. So if you develop at that age, I'm good for NOTHING, I am not good at ANYTHING feelings, then later on you'll see behavior. Hey, why don't you go try this? Oh, not me. But I think you can draw... No, I wouldn't be good at it. You see in body language, they're just not good at anything. Those type of feelings. And you'll just see a resistance that can't make decisions and this real withdrawal type of thing. So, it's at that age it's very, very important to develop within the human two feelings. Now let's say I get in recovery and I can examine through the set of steps that I don't have those feelings. The neat thing about the human being is I have the ability to come back and develop them. I need to have those to be, to grow mentally healthy. Now you take a look at how many of us have been raised in dysfunctional families. How many of us have had been raised by alcoholic parents like me? How many of us has many of our relatives drinking how many of us have been told I mean did we did somebody like when you were growing did we develop a sense of trust or did we have good choices and decisions right two-year-old you see where you're supposed to be going no uh-uh OSU well shame on you bad girl bad boy smack see slam kick now all of a sudden you don't develop those feelings that's normal, you start to grow up acting a certain way. There must be something wrong with me. Then you start into some of the violence and some of the sexual abuse and some other things many of us have experienced. So we start to go up with no sense of trust, no sense of independence. I'm good for nothing. You're good at nothing. Even the input from schools and all these different things. So, we started to grow as native people growing as dysfunctional families not having these feelings which the Creator designed for the human being to have. Does that make sense? Yes? Yeah. Absolutely. But even for us, you know, as native people, alcohol is but a symptom. There's other things that we have to work on. But I think you see a lot of that in our kids. ourselves. It grew up that way, many of us. That's the way it was. Now we just grew up thinking that was normal. I didn't know there was another way, right? It's like my dad would go drinking or whatever. Well, we knew, you know, his patterns really well and we heard when he'd come back to the res. You know, we always had like a lot of old cars and stuff out in our backyard. See, we'd hide food in there. So we'd, when he comes out the back window, we go back to where that food. We had stuff stashed, hoping he wouldn't come find us, but we weren't the only one. A lot of people did that. That was just the way you did it. It's a real, now we know it's a survival thing. But you see, well, it's just like myself. When I was, I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family and when I was in this age here from age, since where I'm supposed to be developing a sense of industry or accomplishment. From a time I was, little before I was 10 years old to a little after I was about eleven and a half, I was sexually molested by an uncle minimum weekly. So it was also one of the favorite uncles come from a large family and that went on all the time then one time he went to the Razz to a party there and somebody shot him six times. They got a big fight. I was so happy when it happened, but then when I saw how my mom and everybody acted, they were all sad. I had the wrong feeling there. I was glad this son of a bitch got it. See? It's how I thought and I never ever told anybody that ever until I was 33. But then you would see me in relationships. Relationship after relationship after relationship. I built these walls, you see, and I just couldn't let anybody through and God, I wanted to. Or sometimes you'd see a woman, you know, that would have the insight to get through those walls. I was just giving signals, see? Come on, come on, come on. Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back. And they would say things like, you know? You never let anybody close to you. You oughta... I couldn't do it. It was just a paralysis. So what I do, I just go drink some more. So I just goes through them, but I could never get a relationship and keep it. I couldn t even tell you how I felt. I didn't recognize feelings. I was 37 years old. It wasn't... It actually wasn't in a certain case about two months ago. I I was telling Debra, when you feel like this, what is that called? And so discovering them. Before that, I went through a thing where I went to a set of steps and everything. I had a whole bunch of them crop up. I didn't know what the name of that was. I never had that. I had to run around trying to find out what is the name of this thing. When you feel like this when this thing isn't there, what is it? I didn' t know that. But you see, See, the law is, it doesn't take account whether you are a child or not. It doesn't takes account for that. It takes account whether or not you live in harmony with it or not If you are raised out of harmony with that, then your style of life is going to be a certain way. The only catcher is, the human being can change and I as a human being, it does not matter who did what to me Bottom line, see, is this like a What did I really want this relationship with my uncle? after he died and after I started you know trying to get free of it what I really wanted is I wanted him to come back to life just give me a day with him that would have done it then he could have died and I could have went on you know died again I could've went back and forgiven him but he didn't come back so I spent his time you see what's wrong with me I must have done something wrong and dwelt in that forever it really was impactful even though I kept it hid it was it touched every area of my life. There was no area of mine that wasn't touched. Job, relationships with children, relationships, every place was because of that issue but I couldn't bring that up. So I hung on to it. But then you would take a look at me. My sister used to call me an en garde. She said it in our language but it meant en garde See, I could never sit with my back to the wall. And I always knew where the doors were. even at the supper table we'd eat I couldn't sit in the middle because we had a large family like a table I could never sit in middle I had to sit on the end I couldn' do it and I just eat never said nothing always watching and a lot of those things you see that's happening like your dad would come up and say I'm going to ask you the truth I'm gonna ask you one time tell me the truth you tell him the truth BAM right across the room so pretty soon you learn You're going to get it anyway. Just say nothing. Right? Don't say nothing So you see then you start to grow up that way and then you become very silent so then now you do not say nothing to him you take no risk you tell nobody nothing unless you want them to know it or you might tell them something you see to use or to manipulate but you don't tell them anything because if you do you see you're going to get it Does that make sense? Now, you just take, once we come to the stage of identity, and these are the teenage years. See at the stage identity, this is a very, very critical stage for the human being. This is the first time in the life that a human being will consciously seek the answer to those three questions. Teenagers do. Why am I? Who am I and where am I going? And that's why you see them doing all those weird things. Geez, one day their hair is green and they wear these kind of suits, and a week later they're dressed like this. They like this kind of music. So at that identity stage the human being must have this feeling, the feeling of belonging. It has to belong. It's a feeling that it seeks. So you'll see them in clusters, they get into little groups, right? They find out mom and dad, what kind of musical do you like, country or western? They like rap. See? You're out. We're in. to develop, you see, this identity. And you see them doing a lot of weird stuff from Mandela's point of view. They're just really weird. But they're seeking out... That's why gangs are so effective. See, in our culture it wasn't that difficult to get an identity because we hunted, we fished, we cured, we tanned, we did all these things. But you take these modern times and tell you don't need to hunt, you don' t need to cook. When are you one? Well, and I get my driver's license. Jeez, I can't wait. Sixteen. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. Then what's next? Well, drinking. The eighteen. Well, I cannot wait to get there so I can be one. So we end up without identity. That's why gangs work so well if you think about it. It is very hard to be somebody. You take native people come into a big urban society. If we don't have drum groups and powwows and that kind of stuff where people can start to develop that gangs always fill that need a belonging you know him he's the lord you know her she's the you see so gangs are very very effective now what will happen say as we grow up and we don't get an identity later on maybe in the late thirties you'll see you'll be you'll have you'll feel very funny behavior among like men for example you'll hear a lot of alcoholism suicide a lot of depression you'll think a lot of them will dump their wives about that age and you go back and you try to find one 17, 18, 19 20 real young ones and you'll see them they'll even dress funny they'll like roll their cigarettes up in their t-shirts again you know how they used to do lucky strikes or whatever they roll them up in there and they're dressed in green hats and purple pants and pink socks and you see them coming to a party smack open the door run to the middle of the living room jump up on top of the coffee table and they make the announcement I'm here the party can begin See, the kids here are acting like a teenager, trying to recreate the past. And so we'll see that type of behavior happen later on. Then we get out of that stage of identity, like in the late, maybe 19, 20 years old, if we're growing up normally. So it's at that stage we're supposed to be searching, trying new things, finding the answer to those three questions. Who am I? Why am I and where am I going? so once you get yes same way you'll see a lot of different behaviors in women also doing that And it's like all the time I was sedated, you know, I was, you know, like, I'm kicking up. And like, you know, somebody, I criticize sometimes because they might say that I'm having a sea of those kind of cow-like, adolescent behavior. But that's natural for me because I know where I'm coming from. So one of the things that, you don't hear a whole lot of dialogue about is men trying to catch up emotionally, let alone women. And a lot of the times when I see it, you I mean, you might hear somebody share at a meeting that you might have known for a long time and they're starting to identify it because we're able to read between the lines a little bit. But it's not talked about openly. I've heard very few women talk about trying to catch up. Like for me, I was a stumbling alcoholic when I was 15 and like now, probably, maybe I was about 19 or 20. And one of the things that's been exciting for me because I was predated, like during those real important years, like this date, it means a lot to me now. Like even, like basically just holding hands, something like that, they mean a lot to me whereas I see a lot of other people young or old or adults take it for granted. And see with me and my development, I don't take anything for granted anymore. It means a whole lot to be but like I said you don't hear a whole dialogue. I think it's really important that we as men and women should start talking about it and start getting into it. You know, and I don't know, I'm just excited for myself because, you know, I'm not worried about whether I catch up or not, but it's just being able to identify what I've lost and just kind of holding on to it and just working my own pace. Well, you know, there's more and more, maybe people are getting a longer term recovery than we've ever had before in larger numbers. But one of the things we're finding in a lot of communities we work in, in recovery, people are stuck. It's like a level you get to and it's like, so? Like what next? You know, and I think we need to start sharing some of that new stuff everyone is working in. But once again, you think like you're the only one who has it. Yes, I just had a birthday on the 21st. And since the 23rd, I've been kind of like going through a renewal phase. So like it's a real exciting time for me. And I kind of almost feel like I'm in my first year of society. You know, that means a lot to me. But more importantly, I've become able to share that with other people and they understand it. Sure. Did we answer your question about women's behavior? who were saying had babies at that time, you know? I had a clinic, so we wouldn't have babies. But for me, I don't recognize what I missed in that development, so I wouldn't even let the community start back in with it. Because maybe for men, getting up and partying and having sex and going to women is natural for them in that period. But for us, for us to do that is abnormal behavior. Because 14 to 17, we need to be doing that. So we aren't really going through our adolescence again when we're doing that, we're coming through right now. Right. So it is totally different experience for us. But I don't know what that experience is. Deborah? Deborah? My father is an alcoholic, and my mom is an alcoholic as well, and their behavior at the 50 or 70 years old is exactly like it was when they were teenagers. He's got the same haircut as he had when he was a teenager. He's not the same hairstyle he has when he's a teenager Their bodies change, but mentally and emotionally they have not changed They have raised 11 children And most of my brothers and sisters are going to get alcoholics before they go to prison Throughout the whole time I was growing up The same scenario went over everything You know, she would lay her arms and she would run away and they would get back together again. But they were lost in this game that we sell it. And they're fifty or seventy years old and they've gained certain strength. And they can't see that they're lost in it. They're not well but they progressed physically. They got older physically. Their bodies are old. They're behaving just as a teenager. And women behave that way just like men do. And I don't think necessarily that they see it, and I don' t think necessarily they do it intentionally. When we're in some of the communities, any community, what I see is incredibly frustrating for somebody that's 15 or 17 years old, because I see those 15 and 17 year olds trying to figure out what they're supposed to be as an adult And what they're looking at or experiencing in the whole community is a bunch of pain in both bodies. And they're having a real hard time, and it must be scary if I think about it. I have no idea. I don't know where this all comes with. You hit or you run. You are the aggressor or you've run away. I'm 41 years old and I'm figuring out now how to get to the other side of conflict. And there can be, everybody can have their own opinion and not be wrong. I'm just learning that. You don't have to have that intimacy. When you're 15 or 17 and you're starting to become an adult, how do you know what's an adult if you've never seen it or experienced it? You have no idea. I don't know about you guys, but I have this ant and I love deer leaves and I'm starting to have the same thing with ants. They're very old and they'll be dead. We'll kill a deer on the top and it's long and straight and so young and blind. That's the style of the disease. And the sky is jet black. And it's like they've got stuff in their ear up. And I'm not saying this from something. I'm just saying, I don't think they even see it, and it's like we can't give our children to that next stage if we don't grow up as adults. If we don' go back and repair that thing, our kids don't know how to do it. They don't how to it. It's our responsibility to show them. You know, some of the lines of what you're talking about, like when I was growing up, you know, I'm 45 and I look around and I ask questions to other people my age. Well, I felt 45 when I wasn't a fifth grade. You know? I was ready to retire with all that responsibility that I had, you know, with a job taken care of, you know, seven sisters and three brothers, my dad always out looking for my mom, me taking care of my mother, you know, I was an old man, you You know, when I got into high school, I was ready to go out and pass you. I really was. I was the hero too in my family. Yes. And you do do that. And I was my mother's mother, and I was father's mother. And I took care of everyone. And I'm not saying I'm anywhere near well. I'm saying I am still learning too. All right, up front here. and went to the party and jumped on the coffee table and said, I'm here. Well, I didn't hear that he went to a party station or anything like that. It was more of a personhood type thing, identifying myself in some way and then talking to you, recognizing, accepting, and involving me back out there. Sometimes when you recognize yourself, it's hard for you to take it. These issues have to be resolved first and foremost, and if we do not open that up, I can't predict it at all. And when I say we can't wait for it to make things go back up to where they were before, that kind of thing, you know, maybe something else is going to be involved. I was talking to a two elder yesterday, the day before yesterday. And I asked her, I said, what is shame? You know, looking at it from a culture point of view. And she sat there for a long time. And she come back and she says, shame is the deepest wound that a human being can experience. Shame of all of them that is the deepest one and I just thought about that because that's a lot you know of what we have many of us how we have been raised those are the types of things we need to work in the recovery process is to find a lot of that because it's inside of ourselves go ahead Yeah, I knew exactly what you were talking about, too, when you were telling me about the man and how he was stressed. I went through this. In recovery, I went though this. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm an alimony. But what I found myself doing in recovery after I'd been in a while was that I realized that I never honored my seminaries. You know, it's like growing up as a teenager, I mean, I'd look nice, curl my hair, a piece of makeup but then always growing up with responsibility i was also that 45 year old woman sure which is exactly what my mother did my mother like never went through adolescence because like immediately she was this 45 year woman having had a child at 17 i was ready to be that 45-year-old woman and so what ended up happening was that i gained a lot of weight you know 35 40 pounds no longer had that picture of femininity you know it was like i was just this big thing no no feminine no masculine just just a being you know like because also because i was afraid i was afraid of being attractive because what happens what if you want what What if you have to deal with all the killing and saying, no, it's your time to die. So what I ended up doing in recovery was I lost them in that way so that I started to dress and to act inappropriately. You know, wearing clothes that didn't really look great on a young teenager. I mean, how many times do you walk down the street and you see women who are in their 40s or something and it's like, why is she dressed like that? It's like that doesn't look right on her teenage daughter. And I did all that stuff. I did that, trying to reclaim that part of me that I'm not. When I'm a 40 year old woman in a 12 year old body. Sure. Jerry? and I'll call it, there are a lot of things in here that are really good. And it's really important that we ask these questions and also that we take back to people who foster some of the solutions that we hear. I believe a number of us, because we grew up in dysfunctional families, are stuck in the survival mode because of how we grewup. And it is the only way we know. And so for me, getting into recovery and trying to do some recovery steps, I always go back to that, and a lot of times I catch myself doing it, not saying it's even justified, it's just a snap reaction. And so for me, sharing with other alcoholics and being involved in something like this is really important because it gives me an opportunity to listen to other Indian people and see how we survive in the world. in the world you know and uh actually after survival we've come to live and i'm right at that point uh i'm learning to trust just barely learning to try i mean you're sober and i've just now given up developing a sense of trust with non-indian people it's taken a long time a long time and i think that uh that search for identity that comes with uh out of left which is something that i'm getting in touch with and so it's important that as alcoholics we continue to work the steps of recovery especially at the end of course because in the end before as i believe that you begin to find some of those issues that keep us from becoming the people we can be okay thanks jerry I have a question on your medicine world, that most of the areas are from development. There's been a lot of things we like when we just grew up in the 50s and the 80s that probably added to not quite all of us were developing. And there's a lot more people who are with education who are now parents or grandparents Well, one of the things that you touched on is really critical for us to look at as Native people. In part of recovery and we find in this is really critical for many other tribes and us as individuals. And there was this one point I was when I I come in a sober... I was very angry. I mean, almost violent. That's the only thing I knew. So anyway, as I worked through that, there was this one thing. There were certain things, if I would just hear about the story like the walk of our people or I would hear about other things happening to other Indians a long time ago, I get very rageful. I mean... Just get really pissed about it. And I say, Look! Then was then. Now is now. What's the matter with you? But one of the things we, like when we work in the communities that we find is very important for us to look at and recover is this intergenerational healing. And that means this. When they started a long time ago the boarding schools, some of the Indian schools that was really initiated by the Department of War and it was a strategy to assimilate Native people back into dominant culture. And that's documented. That's not like a secret. But when they grew up and all the ways that they got the kids into the schools. The ones that they got in there, which was a large portion of our, of the children then, but they were successful in that they taught them, hey, being Indian, don't speak your language, don't talk to people don't do no ceremonies, don't this. And they grew up being quite successful for the most part. Then what happened when those kids got married and how did they raise their children? Hate being Indian, don't speak your language, the culture is bad. Then they have a grown-up and then they raise children. We work with youth right now that have not attended boarding school, and they are...have boarding school behavior. You can recognize it, the way that they talk. And the way they are punished by their parents is the way boarding schools punished three and four generations ago they make them kneel on things they do the same thing to them so sometimes today we don't know why i mean there is some level sometimes that uh it's just like when i started going back to the culture my mom was right in boarding school so i started to want to relearn the language and letting my hair grow long again made her mad she said why you letting your hair grow like that? That's stupid. And don't be speaking that language around here. I don't want to be hearing it here." You know, and I started to see that this...I grew up that way. There were some things happening in boarding school directly affects us even as recovery people. I talked to an elder in our...because I've been interested in these boarding schools and I'm starting to understand I have boarding school behavior in part of my recovery, I have to look at... It's not... I'm not trying to blame anyone. See? I am fully accountable for my growth. It doesn't matter if my uncle molested me that that happens. But I am accountable to change myself because I want to be happy. But I talked to this elder. He said... He's an uncle of mine. But he said, we went to mission school first day. They got there at night and they put them all in class to bed and everything. But they brought them over the next morning and a priest brought them into the school and he said, I want to have a talk with you all about your behavior and about how I want you to mind me. So he talked to them, the elder said, then he took them downstairs, they have a furnace there. And he talked with them about doing exactly what he said. He didn't want to be, you know. But then what he did was he had all his kids lying in front of this furnace. And when he reached in this box, he took a lid off that box, you pull out a cat and you open up that door and you just threw that cat in the furnace alive and shut that door. You know, and this elder, he's 87, just broke down and cried that type of hurt. A lot of us are raised by, people have experienced many, many things like that. and when we look at getting in recovery where do we get stuck that's the things we've got to start looking at you know when they start to surface to understand there's other things intergenerationally that has affected us most of us are there was a lot of sexual molestation went on in the boarding school nobody wants to say that but sometimes we're working with some elders they'll tell you what went on there and it wasn't pleasant there was people women And we know some, it's early 40s, younger than me, that were sterilized when they were in boarding school with no medicine or nothing. They held them down on tables. That went on. That wasn't like in the 1800s. They're now healing and processing that kind of stuff. So I think part of recovery is to look at intergenerational stuff also because many of us are... It's like I started to understand why my parents were like they were. It was just all of a sudden my relationship with them changed because I didn't know, it was like you don't know what you don' t know. I said how could an Indian parent tell their children to don't be Indian, don't speak in your language, don't go back to the culture, it's bad, leave it alone, don't do that. Now I understand. Before I couldn't understand. Does that make sense? And those are the things like when we are in recovery a longer period, we need to start even looking at that and see what is that effects on us. Because even some of the children now, that's still happening today in many other schools. How many here was to boarding school just out of curiosity? quite a few all right I'm doing a backpacking operation and coming from an out of college family and my father is recovering and it makes sense what you said about my father being in one area and I was in another. When we connect, we're like rich, you know. And I see myself taking those same things home with me when I go home. And I've seen myself reacting to my kids sometimes like that. Sometimes it's kind of hard to... I heard about hours ago about drugs. You know, and it's like how are you... I'm confused about what are you supposed to do with this kind of stuff? And then you can't do it because you have other people on the show. I mean, it's like, you know, my mom and dad, my old mom and me. You know, we need a very big house. You know? Well, we'll go ride bikes in there. You know what I mean? I don't have the time. And so I'm putting down the tires. You know. What do you do with situations that can't go up? I mean, I have no intention of doing something like that. And I don't want to... rebalance that. You know, when you see the same things as they did twenty years ago or twenty-nine years ago, you know, and I see those same things that my dad's telling me sometimes, you know it just changes. And I can't figure out the balance for that. Well, when we get into steps this afternoon, into the workshops, we'll be looking at a lot of that. Because I think when you start to look at understanding the interconnectedness and a lot of things about the steps, I think that a person has the ability to really look forward to the steps as an interconnected system allows each individual to really accelerate growth. It isn't about wallowing in it forever. It's about learning where to focus. It's sort of like you can fix that which you don't know is broke. And very often we focus so much on a couple of things, we think we're all screwed up. You know, it's like your car doesn't run. You take it to the garage. Your car is all messed up. It's all broke. God is going to cost me millions to do it. to do it. You take it there, first thing that has to be done is to identify where it's broke. Carburetor needs to be adjusted, brakes need to be fixed, you got a flat tire. We do those three things and we can start running. But we say everything is broke. But we're not as broke as we would like to think that we are. It's a matter of locating that right place learning to use tools on focus and to live a balanced life. The Creator made a harmonious system because we were alcoholic, went out and did some stuff. It doesn't mean I have to wait for 15 years before I can have a harmonius life. It's to the degree that I come back and work with the principal laws and values and then it starts to happen. So we'll take a look at that part of the steps this afternoon on how to identify things quickly and make adjustments and not tear ourselves up in the process of recovering. I enjoy being a parent, and I want to always be a good parent. And whenever I see anything freeze or parenting classes, I go, you know? And I learn. And then I take it, and then I try it out, and if it doesn't work, then I look for another way to help. You know? It works. But I think it's on the back track because you can take it to identify right now. And it helps me, like, influence the work I'm doing. Yes. I was raised in Woodson and Durham. I'm living in Woodston as well today. And I've never seen a tree this big. But you know what, I couldn't come here to take it. I'm not going to burn it. There's nothing I can do about burning it. I'm there because there's only two of us. But I had to have an on-court reporter. And if a thorough court is such that's why, in a few years, I've got to go further and further. And then I got indelible by all those kids. And none of them would say, like I had friends in the past who were from my dad's team and my granddad's team later. No one heard me tell them. And I got people to the arms all over the place. I was a workhorse. I had full strength and my dad was stronger than I was. I never heard anything again. I was out for a long time that time. But it didn't help. But when you're a kid, they thought, I need to learn what it takes to work on this stuff and you know, and I learned it then. All that gets me more than I take. Thank you. Okay. Looking at these developmental stages, they trigger a lot of good things. But we're really just trying to set up to do that. This afternoon we'll learn mind mapping, how to trigger more. We're going to workshop in groups, capitalizing one another's experiences where that's appropriate for us to share something. But we'd like to finish these stages because I think they are very, very important yet. When we get through our age of our late teens, like 19, 20, that's the first time that it's sort of like at that point we can walk off the stage of life like pretty much just like before then we've been acting trying to figure all this stuff out. But once we get our identity, we know why we are who we are and where we're going. It's like you can get off that stage finally like when you're 20 and you say like, I now know who I am. I know my strengths. I know My weaknesses. I knowMy strengths. I knowMy weaknesses. And if you don't like it, stuff it. Right? It's as if you get off that stage of life. You're just not around like people pleasing. But then next we will go to this stage of intimacy. And that still happens between maybe the 20s, 20s to 30s or so. And it's at that age a human being needs to develop the ability to share their feelings. It's about building relationships. I need to be able to tell you my opinion whether you agree with me or not. See, I needと be able то share that. Now you see like college students. You ever notice they sit in a student union or whatever They just talk, talk talk talk, and they come home from school and they have opinions on everything. They know how the government should run, this is screwed up, that's bad, tribal council is like this, jeez who hired that one, look at that jerk. And they just have opinions of everything when they're in that. Now you'll see them even talking to one another. You see one talking, the other one's listening. Have you ever noticed that the other ones not listening, they're thinking the op-onesmanship story, just waiting for them to get done so then they go back, oh you think your mother was bad. Let me tell you about my mother, how bad she was. So they start to switch stories back and forth. Now you see, these things are like buildings. So let's just say that I am in this age as a human being in relationships. Do you think I have the ability to be intimate in relationships if I don't know who I am? Do you think I have the ability to be effective in relationships, if I cannot trust? Do think I've the ability to be intimate in relationships. If I don' t have these feelings about myself, I'm good at something, I'm for something feeling. See, but I have the ability to come back in areas where I am off, I can rebuild myself. So a lot of times if I have an issue in relationships, I got to take a look at the steps. There's other key things I need to notice when I look at unmanageability by writing inventory. I'm looking for these patterns. I need to be able to see these patterns, you see where I'm off track. Then knowing and working step 10 and 11 is where I go and rebuild myself back so I get that right away. We don't need to wallow in it forever. Because very often if we don't know these things so if I have issues in relationships the relationship is not the issue there's something I need to look at inside of myself. So how do I go find that so I can change that? So as I come back and I can discover what that is then you'll see relationships will improve. But when I get through this intimacy then I go to this age of generativity and this might be I don't know 40 to 50 and generativity is then the need for the human being to go be to do something for others. I have to be a giving person. You see a lot of people will just be involved in volunteer work and they do all sorts the stuff just free. I mean, in other words, they do it not for credit or glory or to get something back. They just do it because they have to do it. It just makes them feel good. So you see, a lot of times it's at that point where prior to that we're takers, but we'll get to that age of generativity and then all of a sudden we've got to go and do something. You've just got to do something in order to be happy. Then we enter that age of the elders, the stage of integrity. That stage of integrity of the Elders, that's at that point if you notice, if you ever watch elders that have integrity, they just kind of see a worthwhileness to all things. When you go there, you're like a mouse just wound up on this little thing and they just sit there and they just kinda see it all connected, even the conflict. They just see a worthwhileness to all things. Usually when you have integrity or you're at that stage of the alder, by then you have developed your own set of codes by which you live your life. Like when we're younger, a lot of times you ever notice, if you're honest, the real reason we don't do things is because I might get caught and that's the reason I don't go to church. I don' t do them. If I knew I wouldn't get caught, I'd give it a go. But I better not because I may get caught. But through the alders they've gotten past that. They just do it because it's not right for them. They seem to have a philosophy that it's okay to be who you are. You don't have to be like how they think to be okay. It's okay to be young, so okay to be a breed, so it could be white and this, it's okay to, right? It's ok to be man, it is okay to work, it is okay not to work. You don't see them, well what is your amount of blood? You know you're traditional or you are urban one that you don't know nothing about here. They don't spend this time getting things in buckets and categories and all that. It's okay if you're Indian this much, you're an Indian and you're alright. You don't see them getting all hung up like we are sometimes. So I thought I would do is just kind of share those developmental stages before we take a look at the steps so we have a form of reference that when we start to look at unmanageability and we start to look for those that were looking at the Creator did make a path for the human being to grow mentally healthy. Many of us did not have an opportunity to do that. So it's not mom's fault, it's not dad's fault. It's not the way I was born's fault." The issue is I am accountable to correct my life. It doesn't matter who did it. Later on this afternoon we'll talk about the ability to forgive the unforgivable. But there are certain things sometimes that we need to do if I want to have the style of life that sobriety has to offer. Sobriety is just not about not drinking. It's about another whole style of us coming back to all those things that are available to us in our culture. And it's about living. So we'll talk about those things. Did you see, if we take a look at, very often when we are measuring things, we're always looking at results. You ever ask yourself, where do results come from? Every result will be preceded by an action. It cannot be no other way. The Creator made everything to run by a system of laws. So you say, where do actions come from? You ever notice? You've got to think them. They don't just magically appear. So if I think a certain thing, it causes the action, shows the result in my life. Well, where does thinking come from ? Well, it comes from here. The human being. Basically, the human being is 98% of everything that we do is run by eight thought patterns. It's not like it's all as complicated as we think. There's just thought patterns that we do and we just repeat them. Then we say, what is it that drives the being? It's our will. Our free will. The Creator designed us to function from free wills. And what is that drives our will? Our spirit and intent. So we want to change the results. See, there's this definition of insanity. It says you can't keep thinking what you're thinking and doing what you are doing and expect different results. If you want different results, there's something that has to change to change that result. And that's how we'll be looking at the steps from an Indian point of view. All right. Any comments? So when we come back from our lunch, we're going to take this and apply it to the 12 steps to see how does all these concepts fit into the 12th step. So we are starting at 1.02. Two minutes after one. Two minutes. Two minutes later, one. 1.0.2. We'll start. go on to the next step and I think there was one important thing I use my own experience when I first got into looking at doing the steps and I talked to a sponsor about that was remember in In this one diagram here we talked about that flow of results and what it says there basically is that the human being never does anything unless the will says its okay. So everything always has to pass through the will. I will do this or I will not do this." Then depending upon which way I go, then the result goes. And the reason for that is that the Creator designed us to function from free will and that if we do anything other than a free will, then we are designed to push back or not do it. So if I could just pick on you, if I have you put your hand on mine if you would if you notice as soon as I push without saying a word it pushes back but if I ask could I push your hand then you get cooperation now that's physically we are designed that anytime anyone pushes us we push back well it's also designed we are defined mentally to push back anytime something is against our will you're supposed to the true motivation to get the full force the first full motivation it's always when we do something on a want to choose to like it love it I want to do that see I choose to do this step I'd love to do them I want to I want to walk the red road but as soon as the mind hears I have to it has a little mechanism that wakes up and says, oh no you don't. I'll get you out of it. So it very creatively kicks in the system to have you go do something else. You get procrastination, oh I'll do it tomorrow. So this voice in a sense, this force starts to kick in to get us to not do it. We always function at that level of the free will. So what I'm saying there is that really applies a lot when you come to working steps. Why are you working steps? Well, I have to so I don't get drunk. Not. See, that little voice wakes up and says, no, no you don't. See, I'll get you out of it. So what we're saying is if you're telling yourself you have to work the steps because my sponsor says I have too. That little thing wakes up and say, I'll get you out of it. So it starts all these little plans to divert you to do something else. Now, there are no have-tos in the whole world except one. You don't have to work steps to stay sober. There are thousands of people in AA staying sober and they never worked a lick of steps in their life. Now, they're miserable as shit. Now, that's true. You see, the only catcher is you make the choice you have to take the consequence. so like getting sober or whatever it's sort of like a banquet on that banquet as many things are available steak lobster buffalo t-bone whatever but then they work this way down to meatloaf and cheeseburgers none this ends peanut butter so if you want peanut butter sobriety see then you don't work so you don' get steak by not working step you can get peanut butter sobriety but the only problem with that peanut butter always sticks to the roof of your mouth you know love my sobriete so we're saying is what I'm saying is in looking at the steps though if you were saying you have to do it don't do it because you own anyway right not only you but you have a mental resistance because it's designed the only design to function from free will So the only catcher is, there are no have-tos really in the whole world except one. We have to die. But pretty much everything else is a matter of choice. You don't have to pay taxes. Don't pay them. Now there's a catcher. There's always a consequence for every choice. You don' t pay taxes, you end up in jail. Well that's true. But you do not have to play. You don''t have to go to jail to pay taxis. Now, you get in jail, you can get out of jail in one day or maybe two at the most. If you're in jail and you want to get out, hang yourself. You'd be out in a pine box. That's true. But I don't want to die. Well then, shut up and pay your taxes. Do it on a want to choose to like it, love it. So, I think it's important for a person to think just a little bit about that in terms of steps. You do not have to work steps to stay sober. Honest to God, you don't. Don't do it. But there's a consequence for that. But if you want to be free, you want your freedom, you want the promises, you want whatever that is, then steps will get you that. So if you don't want that, then do it on the one to choose to like it or love it. Not because you have to, because you don' t. A lot of people stay sober and never work steps. But they never taste the honey either. so this is about tasting the honey of life so I think it's very very important to take a look at deciding see what works in the decisions is I choose to do this I want to do that so then you align all the powers of will and you don't have that little resistance thing you know if you ever notice when you tell yourself you have to do something you ever noticed that you very creatively go do something else and say jeez I intended to do I have to do this today or else. And then it seems like we never end up doing it. So I think it's important to come to terms with that. You're going to work the steps, do them because you want to. Because you really won't anyway. If you tell yourself you have to go through and you have a job to do them, you won't. My sponsor made me. No, no, no. That's just like pride talk. Why my sponsor made me do this? No, they don't. We are fully accountable for this ourselves. So I think it's important when we take a look at steps to align our will, that we do it because we want to do it, because you don't have to. But then there's consequences for those choices. So what we want to do next is we want to take a look at this interconnectedness of the steps and so we're going to do is just an overview remember we talked this morning it's about harmony balance interconnected everything is interconnected to each other spirit and intent two roads the red road the other road so we want take a look at the interconnectedness of steps to see if they make sense. Because the steps is not like, they're not designed for fear. They're not a fear motivated process or something else. So we just want to take an overview look at this step then that person can decide, is this something I want to do? Because who would want to to do something if you don't know what the outcome is going to be. Now, the big book it talks about some outcomes. It says, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, remember, well that's talking about the odd. So it doesn't say maybe I'll have one or kind of possibly it might. It pretty much states it will happen. Like Allah. You work the steps, you get the results. So if you want a spiritual awaken, then do them. If you don't want one, then don't do it. But maybe you can get it another way. And then it talks about rarely have we seen a person fail. Now what are those odds? 50-50? 80-20? What? Like rarely have We Seen a Person Fail? But it doesn't say to do it any way you want either. It says rarely have You Seen a person who has thoroughly done it this way. So the steps, it's about a precision way of doing very, very precise because it will, as we see, the steps is about an implementation of laws from an unseen world. About these principles that it talks about. So as we take a look at these steps, we're going to just kind of use make them like a building block to show how they all interconnect. So in step one there is two parts for this step but every one of the steps it also has each other steps it has a principle one of these principles that is talking about so as we do these it says in step 1 that principle is an honesty that's what that step is about how about honesty so there's two parts to that step the first part is to admit we're powerless over alcohol. Then the second part is to admit our lives are unmanageable. So you see the thing about admission, admission is the key to power. You know there's this line it says like let go. As soon as you do, it's let God. Surrender, as soon as you do to win. So it's that admitting of that is what transitions us into that place of that power, that thing we're looking for. So in the first half, we need to look at the powerlessness over alcohol. Now in this workbook on page 11, There are like guidelines as to where in the big book are the instructions for each part of those steps. That's where the instructions are. So what we're going to do is just look at an overview of these steps. So, we look at powerlessness over alcohol in the first one. And then in the second half of the first step, there are nine areas to look at in terms of unmanageability. Personal relationships, emotional nature, full of fear. So there's nine specific areas to look at, in those steps. That's one of the workshops we're going to do is to practice looking at looking at those nine areas. All we want to say right now is there are nine areas then when we take and look at step two, step two that principle is hope so there's nine areas of information that we look at in step one we bring that information to step two so we connect from step one to step through those nine areas. Then that step, it says, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So what we do in Step 2 is we look at the unmanageability and in Step 2 it's came to belive that a Power Greater Than Ourselves Could. So one of the things we'll do in step two is we will create a vision in nine areas of our lives. So we bring, if I take a look at in step one say for example the personal relationships and I'm able to see where they're broke then I bring that to step two then I ask myself this question If we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could, well, what would this relationship look like if it worked? So I'm always asking myself this question. Is there a power that exists that could make my relationship successful? If you take a look at the word sanity in the dictionary, it means having a sound mind, soundness of mind. So I see where the relationship is broke in step one. In step two, I take a look at, well, what would it look like if it was working? How would I have me be in it? No matter what that relationship did, how would I have me being? So we recreate a vision in step two. And then the question is, am I willing to believe that there's a power that could make that happen? Or am I remotely willing to believe that there's a power that could make that happen? Am I kind of willing to possibly believe that maybe a million divided by ten, there is one zillionth of an ounce. Am I willing to believes? Any of those are more than enough to make it work. So what I end up doing in step two is setting a vision in nine areas of my life, personal relationships. So the question when we do step two, is not how is this power going to do it or when is this power gonna do it but is there a power? Am I willing to believe that there's a power that will do that? So we create a vision in 9 areas of our life. Now if we just momentarily go up and look at step 12, it says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, the vision that you set in step 2 is the spiritual awakening that you get in step 12. And that's all you get, no more and no less for that path through the steps. So once you set the vision then these steps remove the obstacles that block and when the obstacles are removed, you get that vision. So that vision that's set in step two is the spiritual awakening in step twelve, if that makes any sense. Then once we do that, we'll go to step three, for which that principle is faith. Now I used to wonder sometimes about, made a decision to turn my life and my will over the care of the Creator, God. Then I would say, why would I want to turn this will thing over anyway? And where is it? And why is it such a big deal to turn that will over? Because you see, from step 3 through step 11, all of that work is done on the will. That's where the work is. It's done. It's not done on my brain, my mind and all that stuff. It's down on the Will. So let's just say that I could draw the will in a box. And in this will, there would be certain things that I do. I could be dishonest, I could selfish, but there are certain things that's in my will. Now, if we had, say, a mountain, and on this mountain there was a, Say this was a lake, had water in it. Then say down the mountain I lived in this house and that I would have, say a river would come out of that lake and I would take a little pipe out of the river and I could run that into my house and that's where I get my drinking water. So if that water tastes like crap, is there anything wrong with the faucet? Is there anything along with the river? so what I need to do is if it tastes funny I need to go back to where is it causing that to taste funny so if the results in my life are not right then I need to chase that back so the relationships between the lake so the lake is the will the river the water I'm tasting is the result So if I want to change the results of my life, then it might be to my advantage to turn the lake over to the Creator as it is with all the junk, everything exactly how it is. So in step three, it's just taking it as it, not cleaning it up. Very often we confuse this turning the will over with our feelings. we go through this thing, we turn it over one day and then we stay to the next day. Well I took it back, then I turned it over, and then I took it back. I turned over, took it, back turned over took it back. What a day! Turning this wheel over and taking it back but you see when you take that third step it isn't that way. Once you turn your life over the Creator. Now the best way I've heard it said is this guy one time in AA he told me this story about he said he's talking about step three and he said there was these four frogs sitting on a log one day. One of those frogs made a decision to jump in the water. Then he said to me, how many frogs is on that log? I said, well there's three. He said, no, there's four. One or those frogs just decided to jump in the water. But he said the difference is, he said when you turn your life over the care of the Creator, then He will, like that frog, once you decide, then He makes that frog a different color. He makes that frog orange. So when that frog decides to jump in the water or we decide to turn our will over, the Creator makes you an orange frog. You'll never be a green frog again. So what happens if you get pissed the next day? You're a pissed off orange frog after you take that step. What happens if you go and you get angry You are an angry orange frog. Once you cut the deal with a creator, then you can't say, well, make me green. I'm going to be orange. Well, I'm gonna be green. No, whatever it is after that, you are orange. So you go drink again. You're a drunk orange frog You cannot go back and forth. So we got to understand that that is a decision. That decision is of the will that I take that will and I turn it over to the care of the creator. so we take this will like it is and we shift it to the care of God so once we are able to do that then we come to the fourth step and what the fourth step is is a way to do an examination on the will so we keep continuing to experience another principle So in this first step, there is three parts to this inventory. There's a resentment inventory, a fear inventory and a sex inventory. The resentment inventory is done in five columns. So you put the name of the person with whom you have the resentment against. Second column you put what they did. The third column is where you actually, you put in the third column one or more of up to seven things. This is where your inventory the ego, the ego masks are revealed. The fourth column in the resentment inventory is where we come out with a list of character defects. You actually get the name, you get the Name of the flaw that's in the will. So you end up with a list of those defects. Then the fifth column is you get the names of the person to whom you owe amends. That happens in the resentment inventory. Then the fear inventory is done in four columns. First column is the name of the fear, why do I have it? Did self-reliance fail and what should I have done instead? Then the sex inventory is either seven columns or nine columns depending upon how sexually active one is. If there hasn't been that much happening, seven column works pretty good. If you've been tearing it up, then nine columns seems to be better to do because you can see the patterns. Because in the inventory you want to be able to see the pattern. Then in the sixth column of the sixth inventory is where you come out with a list of the names in that area of amends. That you make amends Then, we take that inventory when we are done and we do that fifth step. We admit to ourselves, to the Creator and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Then when that is done, we do steps six and seven. Six and seven, the information for steps six and seven comes out of the inventory. So, in the fourth column of the resentment inventory is the list of defects that you take to step six and seven. The fifth column of inventory is a list of names that you can take to steps eight and nine. This is all linked together, it's interconnected to one another. Now, all of this work is always done, see the steps are after step three, the steps are all done on the ego. They are not done on, you know how you say, like sometimes you write inventory, you say well, you got to write the truth about yourself. You're really not writing the truth, you're going to write about the ego, you've got to write the lie about yourself, you are writing about the lie, you have to write about yourself and other things that the truth shall set you free. Well, if what you are writing about doesn't make you feel free, then you must be writing on something other than the truth. Whatever it is you're writing, it's not the truth, you're written about the lie. Does that make sense? So you're really writing all on ego. It is all ego information that you're riding on. So as you progress up through these steps, another way to look at it is you kind of go through a tunnel in this sense. You work steps one, step two, step three, step four, step five. And when you do steps six and seven where you ask the creator to remove the defective character and you're willing to have him do so, it is at that point that a transformation takes place in the will. So let's say that I discover in the inventory that I have a lot of selfishness in the will. And in a way, what this whole process on the will looks like, you ever remember a long time ago they have this style where you buy these coffee tables and you can put pictures on them and you could paint that plastic on there so you could see the pictures but you couldn't get to them? That's kind of the way the will is. At first some stuff gets in there and then you can't get at it so you're just that way no matter what you do. But then you take that will and you turn it over. In other words, you change those pictures, whatever that is. You're going to have the Creator do it. So the first thing that happens in the inventory is I start to identify what those particular instances are in the will. When I do a fifth step, that would be like going to that table with a big chisel and chipping off that plastic coat that won't let you get to it. That's what the fifth step does. that makes it available. So fifth step, it removes the plastic but the pictures are still there. When I do steps six and seven, once I see like I'm selfish or judgmental or I lied, when I become willing to have the Creator, so my job is to not remove it. My job is to be willing to have Him do it. So if I say I'm willing to have him remove my selfishness, then he takes that away. Remember, it's a polarity system, what do you think he will put back in my will? Pardon? Probably. So if I'm dishonest, if I am irresponsible. So what happens is he starts to put those principles from the red road back into my will. Now have you ever noticed for those of you who have worked steps six and seven. You ever notice right after you do it, everything turns to shit? Huh? So what you say is it didn't work. Well, when it turns to crap, it means it did work. Because you see, when I go through that tunnel of steps six and seven, when i come out of it, I come out with a will change, in other words, what happens is my will has changed but my head got the old stuff in it yet. So a conflict occurs. So the concept is conflict precedes clarity. When I have alignment to the will, when my will says I choose to be an asshole and my head says, you are one. I have no conflict. Isn't that right? But when the will changes, now all of a sudden I'm in conflict because my head doesn't know that yet the Creator made a change. So it always seems to be worse. But it's not worse. I mean, it is worse but that's healthy. It says now the will is going to start to drive the change because now I'm trying to figure out who am I now because I don't know who I am and I won't start to see that until after I start to get that feedback that conflict occurs. So with step six and seven it seems to be worse. Then it gets better. That's because of that tunnel that we go through so the will is transformed right here. Now very often we really struggle in step six or seven. you see there's a story it says about this person is baking a cake so they get all the flour and sugar and all that and they put it in this pan you know turn on the stove get to 350 get that stove all heated up and they pour that batter into this pan smooth it out with a spatula or whatever they take it to the stove open up the door Thank you very much.