Replacing Desperation with Inspiration – Larry T.

Well, thank you for that. Hi, everybody. My name is Larry and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm very fortunate to be asked to talk on Step 11 because if there was any roadblock in my life, it was any mention of God. My sobriety date is May 2nd, 1982. And my home group is the Big Book Group in Bellflower, California. And any peace of mind that I have, it's because of you. I chose this certain paragraph on page 97. But certainly there wasn't any evidence of a God who knew or cared about human beings. We liked AA all right, and were quick to say that it had done miracles. But we recoiled from the meditation and prayer as obstinately as the scientist who refused to perform a certain experiment, lest it proved his theory wrong. At the ripe old age of about five years old, I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. I was a scientist. When I was at the National Radio Pavilion in bibliography class, my father had come into my room, and told me that I was going to have a baby brother, and that mom was at the hospital, and it wasn't long after that, that he came back in that same room and said that my baby brother died. That's how het's going, the good luck did not go away from him. And so, to say that everybody has learned both ways after I Coronaed is hard to bear, because we are at the center of forward the upstairs, and if most people put their minds into living in a belonged state, know what to do with it. But the first thing I did is what type of God would create a baby and kill it? I don't want nothing to do with it. I don't want nothing to do with God, anything like that. And I had immediately turned my back on the idea of anything at an early age like that. I didn't want nothing to do with that stuff. My mom had been a very religious lady and stuff like that. And now I knew it was a bunch of nonsense. And so I had that little grudge with me and was determined to go through my life without asking for any type of spiritual help. And I, yeah, I come to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1975. And I had two girls. been around you folks for a while and you came to me. I was getting ready to do a couple years in the penitentiary and I was in a holding tank of a jail, county courthouse, and a Scottish man with a patch came up to that jail door and are you Larry Thomas? And I said, yes, sir, I am. And he had a patch on his eye and he said, ah, that's me. He says, you come with me, son. We're going to AA. And I thought, oh, my God, what's AA? You know, and who's the Scottish pirate? And that man took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1975. And that's when I started laying eyes on you folks. And I tell you something. I was a nuisance. I was somebody that you folks see around quite a bit who comes in and out of AA and they last about 90 days or so and they're gone. Now, make no mistake. Make no mistake. The words in our book are magic. They're beautiful. Our literature is beautiful. Do you know that every time I wanted to come back, did not think of one word. But I thought of your faces. I thought of your face. There was something about you. And I hope I never forget that. I hope I never forget that. And when it talked about evidence. I've always been a stickler for evidence. I need to see it to believe it. And it takes me back to that third step on top of page 63 where Bill nails us. Bill brings it home. He finds, you know, when you're new and out of town, you're not going to believe it. You're going to believe it. It's like, oh, I'm a real alcoholic. It's anonymous. People are always telling you, oh, don't worry about the God stuff. Don't worry about the meditate. You'll be all right. You'll be all right. Well, now he's calling us on page 63. And how it works. He says, when we sincerely took such a position. I never had a physician. I never had one. I've been avoiding it like the plague. All sorts of remarkable things. And he's calling me on it. And when I was about 10 years sober. This was being this was being brought to my attention. That the waiting game was over. You know, I needed to make a contact with a power greater than myself somehow. But I didn't have any evidence. I couldn't find anything. I didn't have any evidence. And then because of going to a home group and being around new folks. It dawned on me. That on every meeting night that I had. I was surrounded by people. Who should be dead, locked up or insane. And look at them all. They were happy. Joyous. And free. I was playing in the evidence. I was playing in the evidence. I didn't have to look any further. All I had to do was become a part. But I couldn't make that connection. You know, I couldn't find that thing that you folks had. And. But I kept. I kept trying. I kept trying. I kept trying. But I kept. I kept coming to my meetings and stuff like that. And. I came to believe in the people. I come to believe in the people of Alcoholics Anonymous. And. It seemed to have worked out for me. Because I'm a funny guy. I don't have the ability to. Separate God and AA. I can't think about one without thinking about the other. I don't. I've got. Out there. I have to keep it very simple. And that was something that I could deny. Was in the power of these rooms and the people. And. Once I started serving you. That was the thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what I love so much. Is that. Folks around me got me busy serving. You got me busy doing. You got me. Doing something for the thing that I wanted so much from. I'm a something for nothing. God. I've been sitting in rooms my entire life. Waiting for you. Waiting for you to do something for me. And all my life. Well, meaning people. People of the cloud. People of. Of medicine. People of the law. We're all trying to do one thing. Separate me from alcohol. They were sure that if they could separate me from alcohol. Everything would be all right. And what happens to people like you and I. You'd be alcoholic of our type. Sobriety drives us to bring. If we could survive without just drinking. We wouldn't need alcohol. Something happens to us. The desperation wears off. Oh, yeah, we're desperate when we get here. But desperation is like any other emotion that I have after about. 4050 days. You don't know what's going to happen. And it wears off. And if I don't replace that desperation. Exactly like what happened to bill. And replace it with inspiration. I'm a dead man. See, that's what happened to bill. No, didn't just lay in a bed and some guy walk in and pay. How you doing? No, no. Remember what happened to bill after that guy left? He's still laying in that same. the experience, and he's still laying in there, and a thought came to him, maybe I could carry this message and help a new guy, right? Maybe I could help a new guy. Now, you know what? While I lay in the hospital bed, the thought came to me, maybe I could carry the, I don't know how many of you have that thought? See, look at the show of hands. You know what I mean? No, no, no, no, no. And it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, Bill was hoping and praying that what happened to him suddenly maybe could happen to us gradually, but the experience was the same. We'd be inspired to carry the message. You can always tell an inspired man and woman. They don't have to be told it's leading them. They know. They know, man. There's something about them. You know. And they do something with that inspiration. They start looking for folks to talk to. It's not ours to keep. You know? All my life, people have been telling me, you know, you need more self-confidence. If you had more self-confidence, you wouldn't get in so much trouble. Well, maybe with some folks. I needed more confidence in God. I needed to start relying on this thing that I'm sincerely trying to find a position. Now, what was my position? Well, from my inventory, care. And then it was in sacrifice. Marc originally changed his mind and shared in a comic book I watched earlier about walking your dog in the rain. And at that time, it was happened upon my own hemorrhage. And then it developed over time. And so it caused him to have anença, agre� who had editorial yarί ar Nee and you would go to the refresh in bed with this little guy and said I'd try to save him and he'd give me a maybe I could be a good son sponsor I've had the same sponsor for 40 years God bless him and what happens is you go through a fellowship sponsorship sonship and fathership and before you know it you're a good son but that was going to be my position that was going to be my position be a son that serves rather than a son that solves an alcoholic phenomenon puts you right in line with doing there's something about the people can't deny and that doesn't mean you're going to like them all or something but there's a genuine spirit among us that people feel you know and I hope I'm always available to alcoholics and non-alcoholics to carry that message to find that new guy you know to give somebody a phone number just ask them how he's doing and they don't always have to be new you know and I think that's what I love about the God of my understanding you see you see there's an old man's that my sponsor used to follow him around Chuck used to say that God is people that it's the God in me that sees the God in you and we're just God's kids trying to do what he needs to have done just for the pure joy of doing it and I think that's what I love about it you know and Chuck said to me when I first met him on our Monday night meeting he says did your mom ever say you were good for nothing I said yeah he said well he says that's exactly what we'd like you to be here just put me in the right place be good for nothing expect another return be grateful for the first time in your life that you're that you're part of this you know and I think it's a miraculous thing for folks like me and you to be able to to be able to to be able to to be wandering in the dark for so long and then you finally actually feel like you're grabbing the hand of a loving God and our deep pleasure is to serve him to serve him you know do the things that he needs to have done get committed to the game don't worry about it you know it won't be a big deal you know you've got plenty of those and my life has gotten rich because of it rich with a sense of security that all is well surrounded by people who want to take care of alcoholics and all you know what I mean that book was written for us the first time I read it to change us that's what that book was written to change us isn't it amazing what happens when people get a couple years they begin they think they you know just can't live well enough alone you know yeah yeah yeah and that's why you know it's nice to have a sponsor and a home group but to have a group of friends that you can talk to about the sponsor and see if he's as mean to them as he is to you you know but yeah I my road to finding a power greater than myself was I thought it was going to be useless you know but I was able to finally connect it to something that that had eyes you know what I mean it was it just wasn't words and it was the people saving my life you know people saving my life and I don't know if I've traveled on long enough for you or not but I think that's about all I got on this if you don't mind Michelle and thank you for such a beautiful share you know my sister Alice isn't here tonight but I know that she would have beautiful words to share about how spiritual and divine that was I felt it and I appreciate you being here with us I don't see any hands up yet so I'm going to start picking on people with their cameras off I think no I'm just kidding I'm just kidding Marissa come on in thank you hello everyone Marissa May alcoholic thank you very much Larry for your share this evening you mentioned kind of tongue in cheek at the end about friends who have the same sponsor I was just wondering if you could share more about how that deepens your relationship with your friends and how you get along with your sponsor to have others that you can check in with for getting the same guidance well actually I don't check in with these guys they're more like brothers you know and we have a camaraderie a common bond and you know my sponsor doesn't always want to go to the movies with me or anything you know what I mean go to the drag races with me so you know I need a group of friends that I can do social things with you know the football games and stuff like that the drag races and stuff and so it's nice to have a group of guys like that thank you Larry and thanks for the question Marissa hey Lil come on in welcome you're welcome hi everyone my name is Lil I am alcoholic thank you Larry great to see you again and I have a question you referred to having experiences relying on God and I was wondering if you could go into more detail about what some of those experiences were or are yeah I uh thank you for the question I've never had any experiences with God prior to coming to AA I avoided them like the plague and uh I knew it was nonsense and I had that resentment and I was determined to go through life you know figuring out stuff on my own and uh at the age of 11 I found whiskey and I didn't need any God I was on my way you know um but when I read that uh portion in the big book where it says when we sincerely took a position it dawned on me I never really had a position on it at all in a lifetime avoiding it you know and so um I actually felt lost for a while because I couldn't connect like a heard people talking about in meetings you know a loving God and just wonderful things you know and I thought man you know it sounds good you know and I just I couldn't find a sincere position you know I felt I could finally tie it in with something that I could start with that you know and I don't mean you know you know making a car my higher power something like that you know but actually making a contact that you know okay maybe these people maybe you know alcoholics not this would be a power greater than myself I can't think of AA without thinking about you know God without thinking about AA it made sense to me you know and so I started with that beautiful answer and great question thank you Larry hey Alison it's great to see you come on in thanks John hi I'm Alison Adams I'm an alcoholic and Larry thank you so much I always enjoy getting to hear your message you kind of just touched on this subject but from several things that you said you talked about being asked to be of service to this thing that you wanted so much from and Chuck C stating that God is people can you share any experiences about what happened with you going into Alcoholics Anonymous and starting to discover that there was something greater than just going to a bar and just going to a bar and just going to a bar and just going to a meeting and being in fellowship but having that transformation into realizing that there was something greater than yourself by being involved in AA because that certainly was my experience great question and I tell you what made it very clear was sponsoring people I've got an experience here that happened and I think I was about 20 years old and I was in a bar and I was about 10 years sober and I'm on the coffee I'm no big deal in AA I'm a coffee maker and that makes a lot of people edgy which I love so I'm standing I'm not in a greeting line I stand behind the coffee pots because that's where most people go and I'm standing in the back of the bar and I'm standing with this guy and his wife in the back of the room and she's a frail little thing and he's got a cane he's a blind man I go back there and I introduce myself and he says how long you been coming here and I said I got about 12 years now and stuff like that he says I'd like to come here do you think you could help me I said sure do you have ways of getting around or do you need me to come and get you and he says I can get to this meeting I says alright and so he started doing that he started showing up to that Monday meeting with his cane and everything like that and I tell you he asked me to sponsor him and what I do once a month is I get my guys together and we go through the book we'll read a chapter you know about Bill's story we'll read it everybody will read a paragraph you know and then we'll we'll share about what we identified with but we read that chapter and we'll share it with the rest of the family well we had this in our little garage and there was about you know we had about 15 or so guys and every time it came around my little buddy Danny would say pass and we all knew why and this went on for several months in fact Danny almost had a year. And we're at our book study. And we're reading our book. And it comes around to Danny. And everybody's expecting pass. And it comes to Danny and he says, just give me a minute. And he breaks out this little, it looked like a little glass case where you have your eyeglasses. And he gets this little thing. And with this little magnifying glass. That son of a bitch starts reading. Rarely have we seen. Read it like a teacher. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Now the guy's the secretary of our meeting. I can't believe it. And when you see little miracles like that. It just scratches that word evidence. We're sticklers for evidence, man. We got to see it to believe it. And we're surrounded by it. Every one of us. Is a miracle. And that little power that you have, or that you're beginning to know. I mean, and it's amazing thing. You can't deny your eyes. Thanks. You almost had me crying, Larry. I know it. It's a weird. Night. Beautiful. Hey, Debbie, come on in. Welcome. It's great to have you. Debbie alcoholic. I'm really good to be here. First time to the meeting. Thank you so much for having me, Larry. I just wanted to say, thank you so, so much for your share. Um, it was, um, it was really beautiful and I was super, super touched. And, um, I didn't necessarily have a question. I really just wanted to say. Thank you. But it struck me as I was waiting that, you know, um, I related a lot to what you shared about your experience with God. And I wondered if you might share just a little bit about how your relationship with God has evolved over all those years, maybe even this year or, um, or anything else, frankly, that he might be, you know, sort of doing with you this year. So thanks. Well, what's happened is, uh, I don't question him as much. I don't blame him as much. And, uh, it was taught to me that, uh, it's my business to do the will of God and he will take special care and I will never have to worry again. Uh, you're not getting something or nothing here. You know, and when you begin to, now I'm not saying I don't have my moments where, you know, I get frustrated and, you know, are you, where are you now? That kind of stuff. You know what I mean? But I'm always reminded when I do have doubts and stuff like that, that I can go to him and that in due time. He'll have an answer. You know what I mean? That I, I don't have to sit and find them. You know what I mean? Trust God, clean house and work with others. Most fabulous formula. I know, you know, trust God. That's a tough one for us. We were not walking around trusting, you know, but, uh, we certainly get to start some work, you know, and, uh, I don't, um, walk around thinking that I got it, but I certainly know that I get to serve it. Um, I guess a little bit of, you know, a little bit of faith. That's about it. Okay. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much, Larry. Brother Alec, come on in. Thank you, John. Great job, brother. Larry, nice to see you, brother. Uh, what a beautiful share. Every time you share, it's just, uh, it has a special place in my heart, uh, special depth and weight for me. So thank you for being here. Um, you alluded to, um, the importance of sponsorship and your sponsor, you're having a sponsor, same sponsor for 40 years. since my last drink i've had three and this last one butch uh he's been sponsoring for a little over eight years and i gotta tell you man when butch came into my life it's as if like god put a key in my heart and just unlocked it you know what i mean and i just and i know how special your relationship with johnny is and i was just wondering if you would take a little bit of time to just let us know uh maybe how you guys got introduced the evolution of your relationship the importance of that kind of sponsorship in your life and perhaps how that kind of sponsorship has influenced your relationship with god um you bet um i was brought to johnny um by my first sponsor who um knew that i needed more than he had to offer he knew that i needed to be in a busy group um and um he was going to be doing some work outside uh outside the field and he wouldn't be around as much and so johnny had talked at our meeting and he says you know you ought to go talk to johnny and see maybe if he can get a hand you know and so i went down to johnny's monday night meeting and uh i asked him um i said i don't know what to do with my life which sponsored and well i'll give it a shot all right and uh he was a very cruel man and uh he avoided me like the plague you know what i mean uh you know i would walk into the meeting and uh wanting to talk to him and uh he would have a crowd of about eight guys up there around him by the podium and i'd be jumping like that to make sure he could see me you know what i mean and they would keep moving around away from me you know you know and so what happened is one of the one of the weekends johnny was always going somewhere when he was gone i called up one of those guys and i said hey ray how come johnny's not there and i said hey ray how come you're not Johnny loves you better. Oh, man, he don't love us better. He's just known us longer, man. Just do your commitment and just call him in the morning like you're supposed to. All right. And then a couple of weeks went by and sure enough, there's all the group and, you know, I'm coming behind it. Hey, I'm over here. I made it, you know, and Johnny went on another vacation and I called another guy. I said, hey, Matt, how come Johnny loves you better? Oh, man, Larry, just get a commitment, leave him alone. Quit trying to kiss his rear, you know. I said, all right. Now, that was 40 years ago. I got a call the other day. Some guy called me up and he says, how come Johnny loves you better? And I says, because you're a loser. I said, yeah, I'm on it. That's just the love of AA. He was mean to me. There was no, no, no. I was like a trained dog. He didn't know what to do with me. I had a bad attitude. So he put me on the coffee group. I've been there for 42 years. But I tell you what, that's what made our relationship grow. He wasn't there to be my friend. Right? He was there to give me sponsored direction. You know, take me through that book. Make sure I'm serving that group. You know, that's it. That's a great answer, Larry. Beautiful stories. Thank you. Kathleen, come on in. Welcome. Hi, my name is Kathleen. I'm a recovered alcoholic. First time at this meeting. Thank you very, very much. I have a question. I hope it's not inappropriate. How did you come to peace with the resentment that you had towards God about a sibling dying? Well, what happened is I had to make amends on my own. I had to make amends on my own. I had to make amends on my own. Through my fourth and fifth, eighth and ninth. And how am I going to ask forgiveness if I can't give it? And here I am trying to make amends and get off the hook. And yet I'm going to have this little angst towards this thing that I want to help me. You know, forgiveness is huge. Forgiveness is huge. We all want it, but we don't know how to give it. Got to start letting people off the hook. You know, let them off the hook. Forgive them. They're human beings. Everybody makes mistakes. And yeah. Yeah. Forgiveness is a big thing. It takes a lot of trust in God. You know, trust your sponsors advice. We got to start forgiving people. I got guys I sponsor and their mom is 65 years old and still mad at them. I asked him, I said, where's she at? She's at the house. I said, come pick me up. We'll go take her down. You know, teach her a lesson. You know, now forgiveness. Forgiveness is huge. Beautiful response. Great question. Thanks, Larry. Come on in, Michelle. If nobody else gets there. Oh, there we go. Thank you. Hi, Larry. Thank you so much. You're sure really touched me. And I think not only the simplicity, but the the actual emotion that you were showing. And I, I, when I got sober 1975, I was 25. I thought I knew everything. And um, the God thing scared the daylights. I was ready to run out of the room, actually. But my husband was with me, so he had the car keys. And the old timers back then Tom may not get hung up on a God thing. And I didn't get hung up on the God thing because if I did, I wouldn't be talking to tonight, but I did make the collective force of outcome. I'd say it's my part. We're living. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. course of Alcoholics Anonymous, my higher par for a while, for about 10 years, actually. And it was worked for a while, but then it stopped working. And, and I know that once I went to a, God, as I understand, I mean, I took three elderly men took me on a spiritual journey that lasted, well, still lasting, they passed away. But so my, I guess my question is, is the freedom I found when I let go of, I mean, I never thought of like an individual as a God or higher power, but just that collective force, like you said, the people, the people kept me coming back. I didn't want to be there for a long time, but it was there. So how, when, for me, when I started the spiritual journey, and I started to feel the spirit, the spirit actually entered, entered into me, and I started to feel the spirit, and I started to feel the spirit, and I started to feel the spirit, and I started to feel the spirit, and I started to feel the spirit, I felt like I can't, I can't describe it. But all I know that it turned me into becoming a seeker, you know, a seeker of more, and more and more and more. Did that happen to you? Like once you made that switch? And because I had that resentment toward God to did you feel that kind of grow? I call it seeking, but maybe just growing into in God, growing in God and feeling it constantly. I'm coming up on 50 years of sobriety and it still continues. Did you feel that too? And sponsoring people was the most awesome thing I did. Go ahead. I didn't find like I needed to seek anymore, but just start trusting them and serving them. You know, I'm hungry to do anything else. But we'll please them, you know, and. I was blessed with being content, just. Finally. Finding a spot where I can finally tap into it. You know, and over the years, you begin to rely on that and become thankful for that and. Content and yeah. And use it more and trust it, you know. But everybody has. Thank God. You know, our book says. Life will take on a new meaning. It. You know what I mean? And. And it starts with us scratching the surface. And taking a sincere position. What's it going to be? All right. You put it off for 10 years. I'm calling you on it. What's it going to be? And he puts it to the. For the test there and. God bless. Bless. We're surrounded by people who went through that. You know, and. Yeah. Good stuff. Thank you. Great question, Michelle. Thank you, Larry. Come on in, Calvin. Hello, everybody. My name is Calvin. I'm an alcoholic. And Larry, you're going to be a part of this. You're going to be a part of this. You're going to be a part of this. You're going to be a part of this. You're going to be a part of this. And Larry, thank you for a strong message, man. You know, I remember I first heard you in New Jersey around about 15 years ago or something. You spoke at our convention. He was the keynote speaker on Saturday night at our convention. And then I heard you had designed for living down in Jimmy and them group. And you spoke at their anniversary. And, and me and you didn't say a lot, but we connected. Our souls connected. And I remember that when we met each other. And I looked around. I looked at what we gave each other. And I've had that feeling with other people. And I know you know what I'm trying to say. When you connect with a person, you don't even have to say a lot to them. You just naturally connect with a person spiritually. And me and you connected at that level. And I knew. And you knew. And I want you to expound on that. What does that mean when that happens? You know? Well. I tell you, it's pretty rare for people like you and I. And. To think about you guys in Jersey. Yourself and Charlie and drew and Jimmy. You know. Pretty golden. You know, pretty gold. And. It wouldn't have happened if I wasn't here. We weren't running. We weren't running to each other out there. You know what I mean? And. I think, you know, we're just those. Those common lost souls and finally find one. You know. And they realize they're not rowing the boat alone. You know. Way over there in Jersey. Somebody's wrong too. You know. But there's nothing like having a. A common brother. You know. Brotherhood of the spirit. Huh? Yeah. Might have to rename the group. Larry. After that. Hey, Marilyn, come on in. It's great to see you. Good to see you too, John. My name is Marilyn. I am an alcoholic. Real grateful to be here. And thank you. So much. Larry for that. Heart felt share. I'm gonna make this quick. Cause I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I know we're just about out of time, but I had written down here where you said that we must turn that desperation. We come in here with, well, I know I came in here with desperation. And you say you must turn that into inspiration and we must be inspired to continue. What did that look like for you? You came in here, you know, with the gift of desperation and how you turned that into inspiration. What that looks like to me. It's what exactly Bill had to do and said on that first day laying in that bed that the thought came to me that maybe I could find another drunk alcoholic to talk to. You know, and he's hoping that'll happen to me. And though I won't have the experience suddenly, he's hoping I'll at least have it gradually, you know, because once you have that inspiration, you're lit. You're gone, you know, and that's why it's so important for us to be surrounded by one another. Because we fan each other's fire. We're not always. On top of our game, but at least we're in the right circle of people. You know, I don't go out socializing with a lot of folks unless they're in a, you know what I mean? And but as far as that inspiration. Yeah. You got to do the same thing. Bill did go out and work with those alcoholics, man. Just talk to me. You know. Like, I thought I have my own like partner, and then they come and I go like, Wow, this is exactly what wherever I go at Charity like is like tightly wrapped, I'm giving this guy that he thinks like he can cook. I'm gonna come back to it. Thank you so much, Larry. Thanks, Marilyn. Hey, Eva. Great to see you, you wanna close this out. Oh my God. Can you hear me? Can you hear me. Like you might get this. got sober in like 2009, right? But I stayed sober for a really long time. And I stayed with you guys for a really, really seriously long time. And I went out two days ago. In those two days, my daughter had me arrested. I was in the Kinston Penitentiary for two days. She found alcohol in my room, so she started busting into my room and I tried to keep her out. And I was arrested for assault. I stayed in the Kinston Penitentiary for 24 hours, freezing because I was wearing a t-shirt. And then I had to walk home after that. So it s just really interesting to think that. I can tell you now that no amount of alcohol or anything else would have solved anything like that. I ve been struggling the last four days because of this. I have been through way too much and I just know that I need to share this with you guys because you all know me. And I'm sorry. I m sorry to all of you. For being able to stay alive within this moment, in this moment, no-one else. For even photographed men. And as you know, my partner, his name is James ok... scripture shit is of you for like not being there and not like disappearing my child's going through a lot of stuff and i i can't i'm not blaming her for that i'm just saying that we've been through a lot like a lot of physical stuff and a lot of like emotional stuff and i don't know what to do other men to continue to stay sober and i swear to all of you like all i did while i was sitting there was pray thank you to this group for being there for me and i'm so sorry i've not been there for a few weeks but we've been going through a lot in the last four weeks and i love you i just need to disclose that and need to tell you all that thank you we love you ava we're glad you're here you have nothing to be sorry about