Relationship With a Higher Power – Big Book Awakening Workshop – Part 2 of 3 – Dan S.

again i i didn't come to this program wanting god i figured i was going to work my way around what really is working for you guys and uh yeah you know my this relationship this belief system these ideas these all got developed through this process and through living the process. But the big thing here is what does it take for me to be ready to turn to something that I have so much doubt about? Because just because you're at six and seven doesn't mean you know how to believe in God. It doesn't necessarily mean you know what that means. It doesn'T necessarily mean that you know that you don't know how to do it. all i know right now at this point is what happens if there is no god but see that's enough to keep moving me forward through the process right because that fire is right behind me and i'm i'm gonna have to either jump or die in case you didn't hear i talked about a burning building with fire coming up behind me and firemen at the bottom saying, jump, jump, we'll catch you. And yeah, whatever, the truth about what came behind me is what's pushing me forward still. And the importance of step seven here is that this is about starting to develop a new relationship with a power that will work in your life. Again, I don't know what that means. I don' t know how to believe. I still have so much doubt. What really helped me a lot was a friend gave me her definition of faith and referring to faith in God. She said, Faith is belief with doubt. Belief with doubt and hearing that it just kind of like it just made the whole thing seem a lot easier because it's like okay it's okay that I question it and it's good to question it it is good to question it even at this point question it because isn't that isn'tthat what you've always wanted is proof proof without a doubt I mean if God is so wonderful there should be proof right we'll get to that when I'm completely ready looking at all of these things from my past we're not going to be working on past behavior now making a list of all these defects of character that I'm going to work on now, that's stuff I've already done, there's nothing to work on what we're looking at now is staying out of that stuff in the future not working on past behavior I'm working on living on a new basis of life a basis of live including a reliance on a power greater than myself and that makes sense a lot of people think this is more about 10 and 11 when you start talking about this stuff with God if that was true why didn't they put 8 and 9 after 10 and 11 because 8 and 9 you're going to need God to make amends to them all but they put 6 and 7 before 8 and nine because there are some things that we have to see and it starts with this simple commitment to this relationship and what does a commitment to a relationship mean right well what I heard in the program was when you get out of bed roll off on your knees and thank God for your life and go about your day come back at home and just lay down in bed and thank god for keeping you sober and go to sleep try that with your spouse what kind of relationship would you have with a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband and wife where you got up in the morning kissed her good morning and said hello dear love you going about your day completely not thinking about her until you got home at night and went into bed and kissed her goodnight would you feel like it was hard to have a relationship with that person even though it was you getting up and leaving you wouldn't feel like you had a relationship that's the way most people pray get up in the morning, they do what their sponsor tells them to do, they go to bed at night doing what their sponsor tells them to do and says why don't i feel this thing right it's because you're ignoring this relationship when you need it most i don't need god when i'm sleeping i don' t need well you know i needed i need to access this power all through the day when i you know when these when these situations come up in my life you know I'm going to need a lot of power just to do what it says here in the ninth step, in eight and nine. So, I don't say that morning and evening prayer is bad. No prayer is back. I like to look at my prayer as an 18-hour prayer. I'm sorry, 16-hour pray. My math was wrong there for a minute. 16 hour prayer, the other 8 hours I'm sleeping now I'm not saying that I do this perfectly and that I don't do it all day but that's my practice and I try to be faithful to my practice and practice my practice and that practice is practicing turning to God in all of my activities in all OF my situations in life but that commitment starts with this prayer where it says my creator I'm now willing that you should have all of me the good and the bad not just the bad but I turn to God even for the good stuff God what do I need to help this person that's taking through the steps or what do I need to so not only I don't only need to pray for when things are bad happening in my life but also for good things I pray that you now remove from me all every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows it doesn't say that God's going to remove all your character defects I mean it could happen but maybe after I've done it a couple more years they'll all be gone, I don't know but it hasn't happened for me yet and besides if a religious man like a priest or something came walking through the door someone that you don't think ever has had a real relationship, doesn't cuss doesn't drink you'd assume at least who would you feel more comfortable talking to? someone like that or another drunk and we see how our character defects become of use in our life my imperfections and my experiences falling short all of these things become the things that make me attractive to somebody else that's still suffering because I can be identified as someone that probably understands because I've had the same difficulties but I've also found a solution so god uses most of my defects of character would you say your alcoholism could be a defect of character right maybe right does god remove it no if god removed my alcoholism then i wouldn't have to be here and it's probably one of the biggest things in my life that becomes of real use in my live in the life of others just grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding Amen in order for me to do God's bidding I have to contemplate and ask what that would be what would God have me be here and I say that prayer a lot in my interactions with the people around me what would god have me to this person in this situation and it's through that it's through that practice of trying to bring that into my day and into all my interactions that I have the opportunity to start to see it actually work. I'm not going to... I need proof in order to really believe and in order to grow spiritually. The book says, it doesn't only say that we're supposed to maintain a spiritual way of life. It says somewhere around this fourth step, it talks about that what we're trying to get here is to It talks about having the growth and maintenance of a spiritual life. I forgot the exact words in context, I'd have to find it, but it talks about the growth and maintenance of a spirit and a spiritual life. What does growth look like? What does spiritual growth look like? Once you've been around here for a while and one of the things that I noticed about myself thinking that I was doing everything I'm supposed to be doing I was noticing that really I was just maintaining what I had and it wasn't because I wasn't doing the things that were causing growth it was because I wasn' t identifying where I was getting growth spiritually turning to God sometimes is just about you being comfortable but how do I turn to God in a manner that shows me growth? That's a question to bring into your practice. What would spiritual growth look like in this interaction? Because when I start looking for spiritual growth, I start getting it. It's so easy to come in and go to meetings and work the steps until the sponsor is satisfied and says you've graduated and hang around Alcoholics Anonymous so long that you think, Okay.