Reading Chapter 3 and Learning What Not to Do – Tom F.

Yeah, okay. Howdy everybody, my name's Tom, I'm an alcoholic. Good to know what the hell I am. Really? So do I look nervous? Well, I feel like a dog shitting a peach seed right now but anyway i'll say the the fear prayer god please remove the fear of being in front of all these people and go about what you would have me be and he will remove the fair so let's see what happens. Anyway, that's in the big book, by the way. So is it 45 minutes yet? Okay, so here's the deal. First, I really want to thank Nicole for inviting me here and for the outstanding job that the committee did with everything, the accommodations, the spread in the hospitality room. I mean, so I think we need to give the committee another round of applause. Wow, okay, I got that out of the way. Well, see, I'm so selfish and self-centered that I'll forget that stuff. So I have to write myself a little note there. But that's the only note I have. Um, when I drank, I, um, I couldn't control the amount when I was drinking. And when I wanted to quit entirely, I could not. And in my readings, it says that if that is the case, then you are probably an alcoholic of the type that only a spiritual experience can solve. And I just went, man, what a choice. Accept spiritual help or go on to the bitter end, blotting out reality the best I knew. Well, man I don't know about that. Let me think about that and so that's how it kind of started for me. The definition is I filled that definition perfectly and so I've had a rich history and doing all kinds of stuff. I was a product of the 60s, the late 60s. Fell right into that groove. So I like those little red devils. Lily F40s they called them and ripple wine. You know, any kind of booze. Booze always brought me back down to a spot to where I felt like I was under control. It hadn't turned on me yet. So if I took a little bit too much spiritual mescaline, I could drink a whole bunch and come back down off that high that I didn't like. I didn' t like it when my ears were smoking and stuff. I really didn' , and anyway, so, and I did a lot of that stuff just to be part of the crowd and fit in, you know? So as time went on, I have a real rich history in all that crap, you now, and everybody that's here probably knows exactly what I'm talking about. We had this street called E Street in San Bernardino, California. It's the home of the Hells Angels and the Bogos. Anyway, that street back then, it was hot rods cruising. I mean, there was never a dull moment. Middle Wednesday night, 6 o'clock, cars going up and down the street. yelling screaming girls fights oh god i had arrived and and the thing is you know i'd take a handful of reds those are downers folks and uh i i heard johnny cochran say one time um um you know I told the old timers that I I took some reds and they thought I was killing communists and I said I belong here, I do I really related to that one anyway so I'd take a handful of reds and drink them wine, ripple wine and pagan pink and all this other stuff just out of control right from the very beginning you'd yell at the girls hey let's get naked sometimes it would work and then all of a sudden the reds, I took too many of them and I'd fall down in the dirt And I'd be laying there, and I'd go, oh, shit, better get up. People are watching. Brush myself off and just get right into it. Oh, it was wonderful. Anyway, so, you know, that was kind of the deal. I got drafted. You know, so I was one of the last people in the lottery to get drafted. And when I got out, I had a rich history of, I think I smoked every kind of hash in the world when I was in the Army. But anyway, when I got out, I had this attitude. And the attitude was, you son of a bitches are not going to ever tell me what to do out here in society. I'm telling you because I fought for your freedom so you can walk around in this country and have all these luxuries, you bastards. No one's telling me what To Do and how to run my life. And so with that attitude, with that attitude, I forged ahead. Anyway, so I got into, I'm a carpenter, right? So I got out of the army and I was in Hawaii and I was working for Hawaiian dredging and all this shit in the union and I mean all this stuff. God. Anyway, so I got in the union and I was doing framing and I came back to the states moved up to Mammoth Lakes for a while worked on a bunch of condos up there and drinking all the time matter of fact the guy I worked for in Mammouth Harshbarger Construction he owned the tavern so it was really tricky man this guy would not only pay you all day for working and building condos but then he would take all your money at the bar he had it down Anyway, I'm right in there, another loud mouth with all of them, you know. And so that just continued, and I came back to California. There was a drought up there way back when, and they turned off all the water permits, and we couldn't build anymore. So I came to California, and there was a lot of drought. I came down to California and I hooked up with a guy in high school, Jerry, and he now lives up in Minden-Garnerville area, and I go up there quite often and visit him. Anyway, so the deal is we hooked up and we started a company, a framing company, a wild bunch framing company. It was called Giant Killers Construction. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah, yeah! Don't mess with us, man, I'm telling you. So we did production framing in all of Southern California. We messed up all kinds of places with apartment buildings, you know? I mean, now they're all ghettos. I can salute as I go by and all that kind of thing. So to hurry up my story, I got into this, and I built this ego around me, you know, and my defiance towards other people telling me how I should run my life. And I'm drinking at 19 bars, man. You know how it is when you've got the circuit and you're going into these bars first thing in the morning. and sometimes you knew the bartender lady so well that you would actually get to suck the rug for her because she's setting up, and she'd give you free drinks. I don't know if you've ever tried that. It worked for me. And so I kind of built this fort around me to protect me and my right to drink and my Right to Think the way I wanted to think. this ego just was growing and oozing. And, you know, and I didn't know. I was just a red-blooded American guy. You know, I likened to do all the stuff that them guys like to do. Kind of a country boy. We'll survive with a 45, you Know? Don't tell me how to act. And I built this fort and these walls 20 feet high all around me to protect me right okay it's kind of like the Alamo no shit and and I would man this in my imaginary state of mind I would imagine that I would place my guys up on the wall to protect me from you, from the outside world so I can continue to drink the way I felt like I deserved. Right? And so I had these guys up there and they're armed and dangerous. They got M60 machine guns to protectme from you. Them people out there. and it just kept going on and my ego started getting bigger and then all of a sudden things started to change I wasn't drinking for fun anymore, I was drinking for necessity pretty soon if I didn't have a drink first thing in the morning I'd start shaking and I didn's know that that was the beginning of DTs and all that kind of thing and I'd have to, you know I own my own company nobody told me what to do me and my partner we both like to sniff a little of that white powder and and drink a ton and I had a bottle of vodka in the freezer at all times you know in the office and I just take a couple three finger shots of that after drinking a bunch of Coors Light first thing in the morning when I came to and it was getting horrid anyway so my my drinking started to implode on me and And when it did that, it was taking my soul along with it. And what happened was, is it was like things were starting to close in on me. And it was nature and the universe was coming. It was like this army was coming to take over and change me. I don't like to change, man. And here they come. And I mean, there's a bunch of them. There's a bunch of him. And so I tell my guys up on the wall that are defending my rights to start shooting those bastards. And they do. So, you know, long range shots, boom! His head blows off. Yeah, man, let's get it on. But they keep coming. They keep marching. There's way too many of them It's overpowering me. So they're coming they're coming and my guys are just shooting the hell out of them you know and this and that and then they get up to the front gate and they got a howitzer out there i don't know how the hell they got that out there but they they blew i had this big huge gate and it's steel man and really thick and they put a round in there and it goes right into the gate knocks it over you can see it kind of tipping bam and it hits the ground and squashes about three or four of My guys, you can see the head and the brain splotting out all over the place. And they're rushing in. They're coming over the walls. I'm like really getting freaked out now. I'm getting nervous, man. They're come to get me, right? So all of a sudden we have hand-to-hand combat, you know. M16s, I'm unloading a 30-round clip full auto, knocking down a bunch of guys, and they just keep coming. They just keep going. they're killing all my guys and it's just too much for me i can't handle it anymore and they're just coming and coming finally every one of my guys all every one OF MY DEFENDERS IS DEAD dead and it'S JUST ME and they'RE COMING AT ME AND THEY GOT BAYONETS FIXED THIS ARMY OF RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE AND IDEAS AND THEY'RE COMIN' AT ME LIKE THAT AND THEY got the bayonets and I'm closed in, and I got my .45. I lock it, and I look, and i see a nice bullet go in. I go, okay, okay. I'm good for about eight rounds. Boom! And I start shooting guys at point-blank range. Finally, I'm out of ammo. Guys dropped, and I throw my pistol at them. You bastards! Damn it! So they're just about ready to make a pincushion out of me just before I go off into la-la land. Here comes the general, and the general and the ranks split, right? The guys kind of back off and here he comes. He's a weird looking dude. He comes up to me like that and looks me right in the eyes. He takes his 45, clicks it and I see the bullet go in the chamber. It's probably 185 grain hollow point, you know, just split my ears, right. And he points it right to my head and says, surrender you son of a bitch. Well, okay, if you put it that way. And all of a sudden, I'm in AA. Alcoholics Anonymous. So I admitted, self-admitted myself. My moment of clarity was that, in the mirror. And that morning, everything, nothing changed. I drank all night long. I would come to at 2, 3 in the morning, you know, and I'd lay in bed flip-flopping, thinking of all the stuff I should have been doing and all the responsibilities I had. My God, andI couldn't take care of any of it. I was going nuts. And I'd go in there and I grabbed myself a three-finger shot of Ten High or rum, Ron Rico rum. I like raw and miracle rum, dark, because somebody told me that the pirates drank that. And you don't get scurvy. I mean, how can you not like it? So here I am shooting that stuff back, and all my barf room buddies aren't around anymore. And it's not laughing and cutting up and telling dirty jokes. Uh-uh. It's me, and I need that stuff just to breathe. And so I go into that bathroom, and I look at myself. And by the way, I didn't get a haircut for 19 years because it was my free flag from the service. I ain't never getting a haircut again, you bastards. You drafted me. So I'm in the mirror, andI didn't know what cream rinse was. I hadn't taken a shower in a couple days and certainly not shaved. and I'm looking at myself and my eyes go right in the mirror and for the first time in an awful long time I saw the problem and it was me and I looked down into my soul and it Was so dark and so dingy I just said the most honest ex-altar boy excommunicated altar boy prayer God there's got to be more to life than this shit and I mean everything changed I don't know I think every drug I took, every glass of booze, beer, keg, whatever the hell in my whole life came down to that one microsecond to where I saw myself for who I've become. And I did it all on my own. You know, nobody had to hold me down and pour booze down my throat. No, no, no. I'm a willing participant. You know I didn't drink because my mom turned me on the potty backwards. No. No. I didn't have all psychological stuff like that going on. I liked the effect produced by alcohol, man. That was it. So anyway, that was kind of the beginning. The beginning of a new life, right? Isn't it the truth? God, I'm so blessed to have a chance. I hear it all the time. Two lives in one lifetime. So, you know, I tell my wife. She gets up. She's going to work. She goes, what the hell is wrong with you? I'm sitting there drinking a beer and going, well, I'm going to go to probably Patton State Hospital. I never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know what ANA was. Christ almighty, American Airlines, yeah. No, I swear to God I didnít. Excuse me, I almost started to spit. Chick Shadel had things on the TV, and weíd have a lot of barbecues and people over, One of my favorite drinks was a 44-ounce Circle K cup, ice and black velvet. I love black velvet, I always looked for the black velvet lady, I swear to God, and she never came, but man, I like her a lot. So I'm sitting there drinking, and here's Chick Shadel comes on and says, talking about alcoholism and stuff, and I'm going, what? and everyone's watching TV or we're watching Saturday Night Live or something, a bunch of people. And they'd all look at me and the commercial would come on and, you know, the guy wanders up the stairs and his wife and the kids are on this stool and he slams the car door and he's drunk as a skunk and it goes like that and he comes up and he has some words with her and finally he goes, ah! And he goes stumbling back to the car and drives back And, you know, and it says something, well, you know, if you have alcoholism or alcohol is a problem in your life, call Schick Shadel. 21 days and a couple follow-ups, right? Yeah, right. So, then there's another one where they'd spin the pistol and it's pointing at you like you're going to commit suicide and it Says, you know, one more time. You just take another drink and it'S like pulling the trigger. You don't know if that gun's going to go off or not. And everybody that was watching the TV would look at me, and I'd go, what? You got a beard, so I got 44 ounces of black velvet. What's the difference? Anyway, so, I end up going to self-admitted. I went and talked to my doctor, told him the truth. He goes, well, Tom, you can go to the VA, and I go, my brother was a doctor at the VA at the time, and he told me about the VA program, and he said, all they do is yell at you. I'm not going to put up with that. So luckily my wife had some insurance so I went to No Wood Nut Farm. Yeah, yeah. Half a half a pint. Some beers. Went and talked to my business partner on the job site. We're cracking a couple beers. The sun's coming up. Said, Jerry, I'm going somewhere and I don't know where. He said, I might be at Patton. I don' t know. but I gotta quit he goes wow right on Tom and as I drove off the job site in the dust before that we hugged he says you're a better man than me oh I almost started crying damn almighty so there there was the beginning man and I went to Alcoholics Anonymous that was the best recovery home I ever could have wished for back then that was in November 19th, 1985. And the thing is I didn't know what I was getting into. You know? I went there and it was a great place because they took us in a van to outside meetings in Riverside every night. Every night. And then except for Tuesday night they had a men's tag in the cafeteria. And in this cafeteria I was like brain dead man. I'm telling you People were talking and recovery and stuff. And these great people, guys would come in for the men's stag. And the back wall was a huge mural of a jungle scene. And they'd be talking and I'd be in there looking for monkeys and jaguars and stuff, you know. The lights were on but Tom was not home. And so they did a good job. They told us that, you know, the best we can do in 21 days, 22 days, however long you're there is maybe to get a grasp on the first half of the first step. I'm going, okay, fair enough. So I went to these meetings and they were kind of talking my language. I was identifying with some of the speakers and some ofthe women too. And I'm just almost embarrassed to admit that. But some of these ladies are wild, wild, wild. And I'm just going, whoa, man, maybe this might work for me. You know, maybe. So we're getting out. And we're getting out of the place. My time's up. And the guy has a piece of paper like this and there's about 21 of us, men and women, in this circle. And the counselor goes, okay, all I want you to do is write down four or five of the most important things in your life he said no big deal you know there's no grade on this go ahead and do it and so we all did you know and I'm even looking at the other guy cheating because I want to be accepted you know and uh I want To give the right answer and so I'm doing that and uh then he says okay now everyone just sit where you are and and everyone go around and read the four or five most important things in your life and i went okay i guess i can do this and so they went around and this person would say oh you know his wife and his kids and this and that this and that gets to me and i go well let me see my my kids my newborn son uh my job and maybe my wife and he goes okay the end of the exercise if you don't hear anything else in here hear this. If sobriety isn't the number one thing on that list, you can take everything else, tear it up and throw it in the air because you're going to lose it all. And I went, oh, oh okay, I got that. So I get out of there and I go home and first night my neighbor, good friend of mine, a guy I work for in a concrete division, comes over with his wife. My wife's still drinking those little fruity goddamn alcoholic things. Anyway so you know and I'm like a cat on a hot tin roof. Have you ever put tape on the bottom around the cat's paws and then let them loose? That's what I felt like, just jumping up and down going, holy cow. And so Fred comes over, and he knows that I had to quit drinking, so he brings over this big rock of cocaine. And I'm just going, and I got my $9,000 big book, and i'm going, uh, uh okay, I'm gonna go in the other room. And so they're out there partying, I can hear them. And luckily I got the second most important thing in AA and that's a directory of meetings with me that they gave me at that nut farm I went to. And so I got that and I got my big book and I went in the room and I just opened up the book and i'm sitting in a rocking chair and i'M just rocking like 50 miles an hour and iM looking at the book and i can't see anything man and iIm just going oh and but that directory was there and there was a meeting at 7.30 that night. And I'm going, oh man, a meeting. I've got to go to a meeting, I've gotta go to the meeting. I've GOTTA GO TO A MEETING! And so all of a sudden my brother-in-law comes in and he's wasted. He drank about a 24 pack. And Mike comes in and, hey Tomo, good to see you man! Way to go, way to go! You're sober now! And I go, yeah, and I need to go to a meaning and you're gonna take me. And he goes, really? Can I go there drunk? And I went, hell yes! Because I need it to be there! damn man let's get out of my house now before i blow the place up and kill everybody anyway so i go up to that meeting and thank god one of my favorite bars was about three blocks down the street and it's called celebrities well my picture was in celebrities and the way you get your picture in celebrities is your loud mouth drunk flip-flop guy that hangs out there and i knew if I went by myself I would go by the AA meeting and there's a bunch of weird people smoking out in front and I don't know any of them and they certainly don't want to know me and I would have kept driving and probably wouldn't be here tonight but Mike gave me the strength to walk up to that door brand new not knowing anybody squeaky brand new and stick my little hand out and say hi I'm Tom I'm new and all of a sudden they broken a couple guys got friendly oh yeah man go on in go get a cup of coffee and sit down this is going to be a speaker meeting I go oh yeah coffee that's what I need 8 o'clock at 7.30 at night I'm going to drink 15 cups of coffee and go home after the meeting and you know the thing was the speaker was this guy named Ralph And I had this weird sense that I was home, but I couldn't describe it to you. It was just weird. And after the meeting, it was like the pressure relieved the pressure. And I just, man, I tell you what, I started jumping into Alcoholics Anonymous like only a dying man would do. And from then on, it's just kind of been history. So I was told that God doesn't want my ability. He wants my availability. Believe me, that's the only reason why I'm here tonight. Anyway, I don't do much of this. But I do work with other people. I never say no. I take people through the steps in the big book. I've had a bunch of sponsors. Unfortunately, they passed on. I had Bill McCain, Scott D., rest in peace. I had Hank Talley, Preacher Hank. This guy knew God. He scared the shit out of me. He had these big beady eyes and he used to run the Midnight Mission down in L.A. somewhere. Harbor Light Mission? I don't know. And he was a gangster from back in Boston. He put a bullet in your ear, you know, and then all of a sudden he's an Alcoholics Anonymous. So I'm kind of a gangster. So I've got to get a gangster sponsor. But this guy knew God, man. I mean, he had these beady blue eyes, kind of the smaller guy, but God, he'd look at you and just burn holes right through you. God! That's what they're talking about. God! You find him now! And I'm going, oh man, oh man. So I didn't find him then I'll tell you. But as I went through and then I had George Sneed and real old timer George and Nancy and then I had Alec fake me we called him the desert pirate he was from Torrance and then went down to Palm Desert he's from Scotland son he'd call me Tommy boy and I yes sir but he was almost the epitome of anyone I've seen in Alcoholics Anonymous he would help anybody including me I went up to ask him to be my sponsor because he just had this his magnetism man I don't know what it was and I said Alex you're my sponsor and he says no Tommy I already got a sponsor I said Alec you can't say no so shut up and he became my sponsor and he he taught me so much more he showed me how to do the 10th and 11th step you know because i'm intellectual i need to get that stuff down here near my heart and he told me start reading 84 through 88 tom it's right in the big book you don't have to go to yogi veritatis and learn all this meditation stuff i can't do that anyway he says do that and so i had him and then uh dale he passed on alex passed on oh my god then george sneed passed on and now i'm on bill i got a bill guy anyway so and it's all good and my new sponsor I mean, I come up with ridiculous, embarrassing crap. I really do. I'm lustful. I'm prideful. I'm gluttony. I like envy too. You know, all the seven deadly sins. And I can tell Bill, you know, that tickle. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, me too. And it's all cool. And one way or another, you know, if some bad things really came down the pike, I don't have to hold them inside. I can share them with another person. And it's kind of like the fourth step. When we talk to somebody in the fifth step, it takes the power away from all these things that we've been carrying around for so long. And we can almost start to talk about them a little bit more freely. so the other person can identify and therefore then they might decide that you know what maybe i can do this alcoholics anonymous thing that's what it's all about is helping another person one alcoholic helping another right right that's why we're all here some of you people have helped me and i don't even know you some of the people you've helped i've seen or heard somewhere around this planet and they've said something that that struck with me that maybe i'd make the ultimate sacrifice and give myself to a power greater than myself my own conception of God like Ebby said to Bill man that cracked it all open it cracked the intellectual icy mountain that I stood in the shadows and shivered for for years it was like I get to step out in the light and the sunshine you know what that feels like it's like comforting what a deal man what a deal. Thank you Ebby and Bill and Roland Carl Young thank you all the old timers that have been here paving the way for a bonehead like me so I can feel accepted and wanted and loved and then I can in turn give that away giving it away so you know I did all the steps I still do all the tips, I didn't do them I take them so I'm taking steps and people come up and ask me, I got a phone I always answer my phone, Greg called me Tom what are you doing? Well I'm in an apple tree with the chainsaw, really? And he answered the phone, yeah that's what I do Greg right true story chainsaw apple tree there you go anyway so so you know I never say no or really try not to and you know I got a quick little series of things first thing I have somebody read like Hank told me to read he said read chapter 3 more about alcoholism I go ok Hank I'll do that but read it in the first person he said there's 4 stories in there there's a man of 30 there's Jim there's Jay Walker and there's Fred and it shows you exactly what not to do. I said, really? Four little stories, huh? So I started reading it. And the big book started to come alive for me because finally for the first time I wasn't just reading it, I was making it part of me, part of my story and it started to become alive. And in the reading, it gives little examples like self-knowledge avails us nothing. Well, you know, this guy was in, Jim was in the nuthouse for a while and Fred was too and this time after a bad case of the jitters and being in the nut ward, they got it. I really know this time how I'm not going to take that first drink. Well, a month or so goes around in both stories. Jim's at a restaurant kind of PO'd because his boss and him got in an argument and he's out looking for a customer and he is in a restaurant having a sandwich and a glass of milk. He has done it before at the same restaurant. No big deal. Then all of a sudden, he says, well, you know what? I think I will have another sandwich and I will Have another glass of Milk. 100% sober. But this time, I think that I will a shot of Whiskey. It won't hurt me on a full stomach. Out of the blue. it centers in our mind so next another trip to the nut house for Jim same thing with Fred you know it centers in my mind it's never going to go away it's like the gorilla and the gorilla is doing push ups but I'm not going to tell you the rest of the story because it's nasty anyway so if you ever end up in Cedar House in Bloomington California I'll tell the story anyway It's not nice. Anyway, so all of a sudden I'm thinking about this and I'm starting to relate on some of my experiences in just Chapter 3. I mean it was like light bulbs are going off. They talked about the power of choice again too. And I'm going, man, oh man, what's this power of choicest thing? You know, and so in the last paragraph it says, and there's going to come a time when there's not a defense against the first drink. you better be plugged into some kind of higher power and I went ooh and I was thinking to myself what if my wife divorces me well that happened a couple times anyway now that I'm looking back at it thank God man so at the time it was pretty rough but anyway so I'm thinking about that and what I tell the guys I work with well if you're there and your knees are shaken there's no meetings available and it's just you and God and you don't really know who God is take a fork and stick it in a light socket that is a power greater than yourself and maybe you won't drink don't do that Matt I'm only for it anyway so I got that of course he told me to go over and read a little history in the forwards. Then he tells me to go over to doctor's opinion. And then I found out a lot of stuff. The phenomenon of craving. Where do these guys come up with this stuff? The phenomenon of craving, an allergy. And so when people like me of my type take that first drink, the drink takes over. That old Chinese proverb. You know, the man takes a drink, the drink, then the drink takes the man. Well, that was me. And so I'm kind of starting to putting it together. And then we got Bill's story, and he says, no, that's not Bill's story, Tom. That's Tom's story. Read it in the first person. And I started to read it inthe first person, and I swear to God, I'm Bill. I really am. And it shows the progressionof the disease way down to the bottom, farther than I could ever go. You know, and the thing is, a bottom's a bottom is a bottom. but you know what there's always a lower bottom than i've experienced and i don't want to experience that so i'll learn i'll i'll learned from everybody i can and you know when he talks about uh you know ebby coming to visit him of course and everything else and his his his thing at winchester cathedral at one time he had found god you know he looked at that tombstone here lies a hampshire grenadier blah blah blah i'm not going to quote it but anyway the thing is is he felt this presence of a power grader himself and then what took over was his initiative and his drive for success was on man when i read that i went man that was me i remember getting out of high school my hair's blowing in the wind and i'm going i don't know what i'm gonna be but Damn it, I'm going to be something. All right. Become an alcoholic. Whoopee, I won the lottery. Almost killed myself. Anyway, so I'm reading Bill's story, and then he talks about further on in there about the clamors of the world. And I tell you, if you go to a lot of meetings like I do, you can see them happening all over the place. You know, a lot OF people will come in, God bless them, and they'll do the first half of the first step. And then all of a sudden they'll, you know, they're showing up to work on time. They're not missing Monday and Fridays anymore and the boss kind of likes the work. They're going home and he's actually able to play with the kids because he's not drunk anymore, right? Ah, get away from me, you little bastards. You know, I've done that. I know that. Okay, and then he's probably sleeping in the big room getting laid again life is good first half of the first step you know i really don't need to do the spiritual end of the program the dash that our lives have become unmanageable i don't have to do that second half of that second step and you know and i see it all the time and god bless them you know thank god alcoholics anonymous is still going to be around if they get to make it back damn this is serious stuff and so you know uh the clamors of the world you know and um so i kind of pay attention to that and then i go into there's a solution and then that page 24 the bingo page i had lost the power of choice whether i was going to drink or not i mean a light bulb went off bang that was it glass in hand I warped my mind in such a state of obsessive drinking that only an act of providence could cure it and the first time I read that 12 by 12 I went providence is that a state in Rhode Island no you dummy it's a grace of a loving God oh ok ok Okay, so anyway, and then one more time it talks about the disease centers in our mind. And I'm starting to put this all together, one chapter after another, you know. Don't slow down, read the next one. This is supposed to take this jogger knot and crush any self-will and knowledge that I have about me being able to control and enjoy my drinking ever again. And me relating to these chapters in the big book has just squeezed that last drop of my willpower out of the equation. You know? So, that's how it happened for me and that's why I try to take the new guys that I work with. You know, some do, some go for it, some don't. You know it is what it is. You know, what I like about the big book in the forwards is it says for those that really tried, that 50% of the people that really try are sober. And then another 25% came back and put some effort into it, and then they stay sober. So there's 75%. Then it said that some people's lives improved just because they went to Alcoholics Anonymous and either quit or started turning into a teetotaler. Anyway, so that's what the real odds are, and I see that all the time when the people I work with do the deal. You know? Do the deal! So we do that fourth step. Of course, that'll make you nuts. It sure did with me. I don't want to write anything down. You know, let alone the third step. Did the third step in my knees, I didn't really feel anything sharp. You know? And you know, I don't know. I'm just that kind of agnostic type. So step two in the big book is we agnostics. You know and it talks about that. It talks about logic and all that stuff. Hi Larry. Hi. Oh. Five more minutes? Okay. So anyway. I did that, and anyway, I did those steps and take them steps, and I incorporated them in my life. And, you know, like I said, the 10th and 11th step has always been a nemesis for me, and so I read page 84 through 88. Like this morning, I didn't do it. I did it again too, and I've been doing it, and Alex told me to do it, I don't know, he's been dead six years and probably 11 years before that, because I was doing this stuff. You know, I'm in service. I do a lot of service work and I work with other guys. I go to AA meetings. I'm supportive. You know? I'm reading the big book and stuff like that but there was just like something wasn't quite happening and I knew it was I needed to enlarge my spiritual life like I talked about in chapter three and so I started to do that And, you know, now I can get up in the morning and do the 10-step real quick. Or during the day, you knows, something goes wrong. I'm in selfishness, dishonesty, fear, anger, resentment. I ask God to remove it. That's pretty hard. God, please remove the fear. You know, I talk to somebody about it, my sponsor or whoever or one of my close friends. and then I make amends if amends are due and then I go ahead and continue to try and help somebody else. Love and tolerance is our code. We quit fighting anything or anyone for sanity has returned. The miracle has happened in my life. I don't know when but it did and that is I don' t even think about booze. I don' T even think about getting pie or wasted you know just what a miracle you know and so now I can do that 10 steps and the 11 steps basically the same thing all over again you know and then it tells me what to do in the morning you know upon awakening I ask God to direct my thinking my thinking now, now it's not drinking it's thinking especially keeping it divorced from self-pity why is that first dishonest or self-seeking motives for now god's gave me brains to use and i'm kind of on a different little plane there he gives me another prayer when i'm indecision as i think in my day one more time and thinking about my day and when i am indecisive i don't know which course to take something terrible coming down some health issue some money issue relationship issue i just can't figure it out and then you know and i ask god for inspiration an intuitive thought i relax i take it easy and i don't struggle and it's amazing how that works out well that was pretty damn hard boy that was a tough 11 step and that's how easy it is and then when agitated or doubtful, I ask for the right thought or action. I really got to use that a lot. I kind of like got a little farm and I got dogs and cats and chickens and they never do what I want them to. So I get agitated a lot anyway. So here's my life today. We had a couple fires out there in Southern California in the canyon I live in and And this is my sixth and seventh step. And so the sheriffs came in at 4 o'clock in the morning, Wednesday night, Thursday night, okay, to evacuate. My son's upstairs, my two granddaughters, whom I love. And I got pictures of them if anyone wants to see them. And men, I spoil them. They want Snickers for breakfast? You got it. I'm the granddad now, man. You can have anything you want, any time. And so the cops came up, right? And they said, evacuate, evacuate. And so we're getting out. He says, okay, the wind's down there. It got it down a little bit down the canyon about four miles. But it's just straight brush line right through my little community up to Lake Arrowhead and the top of the mountain. I mean, nice, tender, ready-to-burn stuff. And so we're packing stuff up and getting my guns. I got this, I got my suitcase, some underwear, and the stuff you need. Anyway, so I got the truck packed and then I decide that, you know what? I'm going to stay. If it happens, I'm just going to say and see what happens. We've got a generator now because Edison shut the power off. So my son takes off and takes the girls to school, my two granddaughters, and his car's just full of stuff. important papers and stuff like that and then I'm there once they close down highway 18 you can't get up or you can'T get down if you leave you can'T get back so I'm in there and I'm thinking about it and I had PTSD from the big huge fire we had in 03 burned down the whole god dang mountain and that kind of came and I said you know what this would be a great time to get down on my knees with my dog watching he tells the other dogs i'm praying but anyway so i get down to my knees in there and i and i i started to break down and i just said god let me accept anything that happens thank you and i got up and you know things were okay i was thinking maybe i might not be able to make this if that thing got really bad but it all worked out you know and for that i'm You know what? I love you guys. Thank you.