Ray O. on the Steps, the Oxford Group, and Carl Jung — Part 1

Here you go, Tom. I knew he'd screw it up. My name is Ray O'Keefe. I'm an alcoholic. I have been asked to come here and talk to you about the steps because I've been an alcoholic's alarmist a long time. You can tell by the look of me, I've been somewhere for a long And I've done this before, and I usually enter these disclaimers before I start. I'm not here to teach you anything. We don't need any teachers around here. I'm nicht hier zu prezen zu dir, oder ich wahrscheinlich werde, das ist das, was ich bin, ich lasse mich dazu. What I'm here to do is what was read earlier this morning, and that is to share my experience with you. and I have been a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous since November the 24th, 1965. And I came to AA earlier in 63, but I didn't stay. I came back in 65, and I'm something of a snob, and I said to my sponsor when I came out, I didn' t want to make an issue out of this. I didn't want to raise the thing or anything or cause trouble but there were several people in my home group that probably had not gone to college I didn' t want to start you know, I don' t wanna be that way but I said to my sponsor how many nights a week do I have to hang out with this crowd and he said seven I said God, that's every day He said, you're getting better already. I don't like people who push me around, so I went to nine. And now I go to seven, 33 years later. So I've been to a lot of AA meetings. And unless I'm in a hospital or out of town somewhere, I go TOA meetings. And I have a home group, I have sponsors. This is what counts today, what is happening here and what was happening here last night. This is the icing on the cake. AA is you and your sponsor and your group. That's AA. This is fun. For me, this is terrific. You know, it's more ego-bending than even I can describe. So that's what I share with you. I share my experience, and it's considerable. Before I get into the steps, I usually talk about a history of outparks tsunamis. Now, this is not the history that starts at Akron, Ohio. This history ends at Akaron, Ohio, and it's a very good story. I tell it well, and it raises to me a very interesting point. I don't know when the idea of Alcoholics Anonymous started. Things like AlcoholicsAnonymous fellowships, organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous I think have a oh I warn you I have lots of opinions I usually say I think then you know it's an opinion I think our started in some other plane at some other time and lost in the continuum so I don't know when the idea of AlcoholicsAnonymous started it was needed in biblical times but and anyhow I tell you what I do know in this country in this century before the first war which began in 1917 a group of people began to assemble in a little town in Manchester, Vermont it's a very small town it's not a resort town beautiful place it's in the foothills of the Green Mountains it has its own little mountain called Equinox and these people began to come there and they didn't know each other they just began to sort of show up these coincidences we see all the time the first one that came there was Bill Wilson he came to go to the prep school there was a prep school there, Manchester Prep he came down from East Dawson, Vermont which is about 7 miles up the road on Route 7 I went to college up there I know the area well the next one that came over was from Albany, New York named Ebby Thatcher and Ebby's family had a big house on the main street of Manchester, Vermont which is Route 7 and then up from Brooklyn, Newark came a physician named Burnham and his lovely daughter Lois and then from New York City came a very wealthy young man named Roland Hazard whose family had a lot of wealth and had a gentleman's farm just north of Manchester. And they mix the way young people do and went off to college, came back for their vacations went to Norwich University picked up a commission in the Vermont National Guard and as we know from our book he went over to Europe, to England where he saw that poem in the graveyard and all and they dispersed with the war and they all came back, and they spent another summer together after the war. Bill had married Lois before he went overseas, and the others just drifted away the way, you know, you drifted from your high school friends to your college friends. And the first one to get into trouble with whiskey was Mr. Hazard, Roland Hazard. Roland's family had sent him everywhere there was, and they had enough money to do it. But he was drunk, and so they sent him finally to the great Dr. Jung, Carl Jung in Switzerland and he stayed with Dr. Young a whole year and Jung was treating him as sort of a manic depressive and he turned him loose and told him he was all settled now he should go home and have a nice life Roland got as far as Paris and someone asked him the wrong question someone asked if he would like to have a drink And the only time I ever said no to that question, I completely misunderstood the question. So he had several million drinks and he went right back to Jung as you would do and he said, what is this? I'm here a whole year. You tell me I'm well now, I'm worse than ever. I've only been two weeks away. And Jung said to him, and it's in our book, he said I didn't know you were an alcoholic. I really was treating you as a manic depressive. but now that you tell me you're an alcoholic Jung said I have very bad news for you you will die first you'll go mad then you'll die and of course Roland Hazard said my god is there no other way and the great Jung said to him oh yes here and there now and then once in a while people like you have a religious transformation and it accomplishes a change in them, a transference, and they don't drink anymore. But it's very, very, very rare. It's a phenomenon. It hardly ever happens. It's nice to have money, real money. So Roland went off to buy himself a spiritual experience. It was either that or die. And he found the Oxford Group. And the Oxford group were a bunch founded by a really charismatic man who got into a little trouble later named Buckman and they considered themselves to be first century Christians, that is to say they tried to live as Christians did in the first hundred years after the death of Christ and before the growth of an institutional church before there were bishops and cardinals and all that stuff and they lived, they had meetings like we have or we copied their meetings really they were very big on openly confessing their faults and making amends for harms they had done they practiced the four absolutes of honesty unselfishness purity and love and they tried to be absolutely all of those things and Roland found them in the Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City on the east side and in the 30s if you go there around Gramercy Park you'll see the main window of that church is dedicated to the Hazard family and it was a very big operation in the 30's and now they had an office building, they had a hospice for battered women back in the30's they had a soup kitchen because the depression was on and they had a mission for the drunks down a little further down where you went in and gave yourself to Christ they give you a sandwich and an apple and you stay drunk and he took the Oxford groupers now remember this is the Great Depression most of you don't remember that in this country all at once at the same time the stock market failed the banks closed imagine you went to your bank it was closed Well, the banks closed. There were people who had no money, no food. They weren't out going. The whole country was that way. And Roland took 30-some-odd Oxford groupers up to Vermont to the farm. And he made an Oxford group commune up there. And he paid for everything. So he was a very nice guy to have around during the Great Depression. And the next one to get in trouble was Emmy Thatcher. Ebi's family had exiled him from Albany, New York. It's a terrible place to be exiled from. It's the capital of New York State. It's on a deadline about 60 miles west of Manchester. So he came over and the first thing he did was drive his car around one of those Vermont corners and he ended up in the kitchen of some farmer. Vomartes are not notorious for their humor and nobody thought anything funny about when he got out of the car and asked for a drink that did it so they called the cops and the cops took him to the local judge and the local judge gave him if I ever see you again speech I used to be a judge I didn't know how to give that speech and every in a fit of alcoholic remorse that you will understand, decided that he would paint the family house. It's one of these big Victorian things with spires and porches and stuff. Of course he'd do nothing about painting but that doesn't stop an alcoholic for God's sake. So he got some paint and he got a brush and he started painting the house but he kept falling off the ladder because he was drunk and so he decided he would enjoy his handiwork for a moment or two and he got out a bottle of booze and a beach chair and he parked himself on the front lawn and while he was watching the paint dry and drinking this booze a bird shat upon the paint and this so enraged Brother Ebi that he went in and he got a shotgun so now you have this bum in a beach jail with a bottle of boozer and a shotgun and he's shooting birds on the main street so here come the cops it's the same cops they only have three cops in the whole town and they bring him to the same judge and the same judge is ready but this judge had heard of the United States Constitution and news had filtered through to Vermont so he gave him his one phone call and of course who would you call he called his pal Roland the one with the money and Roland came down with two other guys from the Oxford group one of whom was a judge's drunken son that had stopped drinking up with Roland on the farm. And Roland said to the judge, you give me Ebby, I'll take care of him like I took care of your son. The judge said, my pleasure. Now they're all up on the farm and it's getting cold up there. So Roland and Ebby pack it into New York back to the Episcopal Church and they get on the soup line and they're handing out the stuff. And in those days a soup, you got a bowl of soup, a sandwich and an apple. We had one in my parish. So, Abbie testifies. He says he was on the soup line and a thought came to him. I better call Bill Wilson. He doesn't know where this thought came from. But he said it was very strong. He kept saying call Bill Wolfson, call Bill Wolson. Bill WolfSON says in our book the phone rang. Bill is at home. Lois is working. Bill is unemployable and unemployed and he's making gin in the bathtub in the 30s they used to do that they'd clean out the bathtub, throw in some water some distilled water, juniper berries and rubbing alcohol, boom, gin and Bill has got three quarts of this crap that he's ready for the day and the phone rings and it's his pal he's his schoolmate and he said to his school mate, come on out see me so Ebi comes out and Bill takes a look at Ebi as he comes in the house and there's something different about him. And he says to Ebby, what got into you? And Ebby said, I got religion. Bill says, I was aghast last summer and now call it crackpot and now a little crack about religion. He had that starry-eyed look. But more gin for Bill. So they went to the kitchen And they start the, you know, I don't want to be indelicate, the barroom bullshit. And remember the time, you now? And in our book, they say they talk about the airplane ride. Bill and Ebby were the first ones to land an airplane at the Manchester airport. They flew over from Albany all drunk, and a pilot was drunk. And the reason they were the First Ones was it hadn't opened yet. It was going to open the next day. And when they landed the plane, the high school band was practicing for the opening the next day and these three drunks fell out of the airplane and reviewed the troops as they went by, you know. Well, that's what they were going to do. You remember that. You're going to sit around the kitchen table, I remember the time, all of that stuff. But Ebby E.C. was now a member of the Oxford. And Ebby was full of that enthusiasm the same enthusiasm you had in your first six months or a year and a half in AA, you remember you're going to call up your cousin Charlie and straighten him out you know, oh Charlie you're ruining your life, that kind of stuff and some guy you went to high school with I better call him right away well every was full of that but he was full of Oxford group and he starts giving Bill Oxford and Bill doesn't want to hear about Oxford Bill is a born Episcopalian or God's frozen people. But he was never interested in it much. He didn't like religion. He never bothered with it. He paid more attention to his grandfather, who was a little on the wifty side. And finally, Ebi said something that really got Bill's attention. Ebi says, in the Oxford group, you can form your own concept of God. Boom. That got Bill his attention. He did not stop drinking. But there is a really, a religious anarchy. You form your own concept of God. Imagine if the Pope said tomorrow, now listen gang, you know, we've had the millenniums coming, you're on your own, form your old concept. Whatever you say is okay with us, best regards to the Pope, you can't have that. You can't ever believe what this is. So, now Bill did not stop drinking. He didn't stop drinking, but it got his attention. And he put it in the book in italics. He put it into italics for the book. He said, and italics means underlined, it was only a matter of being willing to believe in a power greater than myself, nothing more that was required for me to make my beginning. Bill stops drinking. Finally, on December the 11th, that's his sobriety date, 1934, Bill goes into Towns Hospital in New York City it was a double brownstone Central Park West been there for a while Bill had been there the grapevine printed his admissions sheet about 6 or 7 years ago and I keep forgetting which number but he was an experienced he might have been there 7 times before I'm not sure but he wasn't an experienced patient and he went there and he writes in our book You'll find I refer to the book a lot. My schoolmate visited me. Ebi came to see him. Ebi gave me some more Oxford group. He said, we made a list of people I'd heard toward whom I felt resentment. I expressed my willingness to approach these individuals. I was to test my thinking by new God consciousness within. My friend, Ebi, promised me that when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my creator I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems now here's the point of this Ebi never told Bill that he would stop drinking you know why? because drinking was not the problem ever for you or for me nobody had to teach you how to drink you had to read a manual how to behave socially while drinking it's in the bone for Christ he told him he would enter into a new it would have to be new relationship with God because you and I didn't have a relationship with god correct? correct. He didn't say a word to him about drinking, and I'll tell you why. Because drinking alcohol does not cause alcoholism. On the occasion of AA's 50th birthday in 1960, Bill Wilson wrote a letter to Carl Jung, the great Carl Jung who had taken care of Roland Hazard, And he said, Dr. Young, we of Alcoholics Anonymous consider you to be a founder because in 1934, you gave a message to a man named Roland Hazard who gave it to Ebi Thatcher, who gave to Bill Wilson, who give to Bob Sparadroop. And he got back a marvelous letter from Young that I refer to all the time and it says, I remember Roland Hazerd. his problem was that he had separated himself from the whole W-H-O-L-E in medieval terms a union with God and here's the greatest psychiatrist of the time says alcoholism is caused by a separation from God and I heard read here this morning that God has all power it says that and if I separate myself from all power I am powerless and that's why as he said to Bill you will enter into a relationship with God because that what was lacking in Bill and in me I know see and I'm not religious don't misunderstand me I don't go to church I've been in church for 50 years I go to funerals I goto weddings I prefer the funerls they're final you know that's it that's over with you know wedding I gotta come back another god damn chafing dish five years later you know now what now that's what that was Jung's great opinion about And the reason is, it's true, alcohol does not cause alcoholism. I'm talking to you now about the first step. Alcohol does not Cause Alcoholism. As a matter of fact, as Dr. Silkway says in our book, my natural state is to be nervous, irritable, and discontent. A friend of mine, a physician in Louisville who's been a member of AA for many years, he puts it this way I think this is the simplest way I've heard of it he said alcoholics are born not feeling good oh they're not sick they don't have to go anywhere and you don't have to give them anything they just don't feel good it's a god damn hassle they're in the wrong family they get the wrong crap to wear their brother gets the good stuff at Christmas the school as a pain in the ass. Nobody likes them. And then when they're about 13 or so, 13, you know, in there, somebody puts a glass in their hand and says, here, try that. And they drink it and they go, ooh, give me another one of those. And I have another one. And he goes, oh, what the hell is that? And they have another on, you know, and they say, oh, I feel good. 13 is the first time in his life he's felt good why wouldn't you and I pursue that it's a euphemism isn't it we're feeling good some guy's laying on the floor what's the matter with him he feels good Dr. Menninger the seminal American psychiatrist has a multi-volume work he has alcoholism in the chapter on suicide and he says of alcoholics that alcohol is the glue that holds them together and if it weren't for the alcohol they'd be jumping out of the windows they feel so bad without it so apart so disconnected and they know if they as our book says they cannot imagine life with it or without it and that's when the despair hits and boom out they go the alcoholics who kill themselves are not drinking that's accidental that's automobiles and stuff like that they're the ones who come here leave and can't come back they keep trying to come back you've met them but they can't come back they can never figure out what in nature am I living now this is where they place these psychiatrists who are knowledgeable there's a separation from God and our book says that alcohol, the problem it says centers in the mind now the mind is not the brain the brain is an organ that sits on top of your head here gelatin, split in half they suck out the piano lessons when they want to look at it they can x-ray it, they can chart it they know which part of it does what it's an organ just like your hands, your eyes, your nose the mind is not capable of any of that the mind isn't a spiritual thing the mind is the medical equivalent of the soul. See? And the problem centers in the mind. And Jung, in his letter to Bill Wilson, makes a pun in Latin and to show you I'm erudite and a graduate of the Catholic schools. Where else would a guy named O'Keefe go to school? I'm very grateful I don't knock the Catholic school system or the nuns or anything I'm really grateful to the Catholic schools they saved me from going blind that's a big it took a little while for you to get that these are all my little jokes and he said Young said at the very last line of his letter to Bill he said, it is spiritus contra spiritum. You see, in Latin, the same word expresses alcohol, wines and spirits, spiritus, against contra, against spiritum, the soul. Jung recognized that alcohol attacked our spirit. And that's why we're powerless. and it isn't a question of drinking more drinking less, doing this doing that, going here, going there the dilemma that refers in our book is not that we drink too much the dilemma is we don't have the capacity to drink at all it says lack of power see, that's our dilemma And now he has Wilson, and he's in towns. And Ebby promised him a new relationship with his creator. He said, I fully accepted these proposals. And then Ebby leaves him, and Bill was a big tall lanky six-foot-four guy, throws himself on one of those little 1930 hospital beds. And for someone like him, he does something very unusual because he has reached his alcoholic bottom, as you did. You don't need a sermon from me to explain to you how you felt when that happened to you. Do this with me right now. Go back to the last week that you drank before you came here. You got it. Now go back to last week. Make the difference. Is there a difference? Huh? What do you say? Bet your ass you're saying thank you. Well, Bill was in that. Bill was there. Bill was on his knees. Now here's a guy that doesn't go to church, doesn't believe, da-da-da. and he says, if there is God, let him show himself now. And Bill reports that his room lit up with a light so intense that he could no longer see the walls and that in his mind's eye, a wind blew through that room and transported him into a fourth dimension and in his mind's eye he thought to himself so this is the God of the preachers because he didn't believe, he was not a believer and of course it subsided and he sent for Silkworth and then Silkworth came and Bill wanted the explanation and so forth who's a scientist said I wasn't here I don't know what happened to you but you look better now than you did a few hours ago so try to hold on to whatever happened to you Bill comes out of the hospital the next week or so and he goes right down with Ebby and Roland on the soup kitchen and they're handing out the soup and Bill is trying to interest some of the people coming through the line are alcoholics Bill's trying to interest them in his problem what happened to him he's getting no place he's going into the saloons there's a bar in every corner he's going into the bars he wants them to listen to him about his room lit up people in New York City have a certain attitude I was born in the Bronx and I have that attitude if some lanky dip comes walking in while you're drinking and tries to tell you his room is lit up jump up here and light this up, Charlie. I got something lit for you, pal. Take a hike for yourself. Well, he got upset. He went up to Silkway and he said, listen to what is happening. I'm telling these idiots my room lit up, God was in my room. They won't listen to me. And Silkway said, you're telling them the wrong thing. Tell them what Young told Roland, what I told you when I told your wife you're going to die. that gets people's attention tell them he's going to die so now Bill goes to Akron, Ohio now it gets interesting now it really gets interesting he gets to Akroon, Ohio it's Mother's Day of 1935 Mother's day weekend which is I think the second week of May it's Saturday of the Mother's day weekend he's got ten bucks his room is paid for everybody else that went back to New York to be home for Mother's day Bill doesn't have enough money to go back to new york He's stuck in Akron, which is a real crap hole. Believe me, it's nothing. And he's in this Mayflower Hotel and he's thinking about going into a bar. In fact, it was a gay bar. Our book says, our book says he could hear that gay crowd inside. That's what it said. and he said he would strike up a conversation us beloved here's a guy listen to this here's someone who has this is alcoholic has God, almighty God in his room in December and he wants to go into a bar in May now what in the name of God is that but alcoholism weird huh weird, but he does it. He makes a series of phone calls and he gets Henrietta Seibling. Here's where it really gets good. This is where it goes. If I, I'm an old trial lawyer and trial judge, if I had to convince somebody, a jury or something, this is where I would hang this case. Henrietta Sibeling is the estranged daughter-in-law of Frank cyberlink junior an alcoholic whose father frank cyberlink senior is chairman of the board of goodyear rubber only recently i saw on cable tv castles in america they had the cyberlink castle and they had a guest house where henrietta lived not the guest house you take my house put her in there 10 times and he gets henriette on the phone and he says I am a rummy from New York City and I have a way to fix drunks Henrietta is a member of the Oxford group of Akron, Ohio under the practice of the oxford group of Akran, Ohio the members of the group on the first meeting of a month openly confessed their problems in the first meeting of May Dr. Robert Smith a proctologist we dress him up a little we call him a surgeon proctologists not a bad speciality you're going to work with alcoholics I'll tell you Dr. Robin Smith stood up and said I have a drinking problem well they all knew it but he said it now the practice was if someone confessed like that every member of the group I don't know how many there were, agreed that they would pray for that member every single day. So Henrietta Seiberling has been on her knees in her kitchen every day from May the 1st to May the 13th asking God to send help for Dr. Bob. And here comes this voice. I have a way to fix drugs. Henrietta says later she said to herself manna from heaven and then she said what took you so long you see Henrietta was a woman of faith Henrietta believed she believed that if she asked God to help Bob God would help Bob and that's that and she did ask God to help Bob and he did help Bob, he sent him Bill so she said she wanted to look Bill over to make sure he wasn't a complete screwball so she says come on out so Bill came out, they had a chat she said he's alright she called Bob's house she got Ann she said the guy is here to fix Bob Ann says well that's nice but Bob is under the table drunk he brought home a pot for Mother's Day he gave me the pot and he's more potted than the pot but I'll have him out in the morning now you know how Bob felt the next morning and his wife wakes up and says we're going to Henrietta's there's a guy out there that's going to fix you oh Jesus Bob says I'll give that guy from New York 15 minutes and the meeting lasted 5 hours and Bill outlined to Bob what Ebi had outlined to Bill what Silkworth had talked to Bill about and Bob said I'll do everything you say and Bob says of Bill I'm reading now from Language of the Heart of more importance was the fact that Bill was the first human being I had ever talked to who knew what he was talking about in regard to alcoholism from actual experience see that's what we're talking about here experience and this is what happened this is their experience see you cannot argue with experience I have an opinion you can argue with my opinion I may have an opnion the world is flat we can have an argument but you can't argue with my experience and I can't agree with your experience and nobody knows better than you what you were doing that week before you came here and nobody knows better than you what you were doing last week, and that's your experience, and nobody can argue that with you, right? That's yours. That's gold. And that's what Bill gave to Bob, and that' s what Bob fell for. So Bill moved into Bob's house, and they had meetings in the morning. They were in the kitchen. They were reading the Bible. They were eating the book of James, there were just the two of them and Mrs. Bob and then Bob announces that he has to go to Atlantic City to the American Medical Association conference you know those did you ever have that it seemed like a good idea at the time you remember those oh Jesus what am I doing here you know God well it must have been a good idea at the times because here I am anyhow that's what Bill says I'm going to Akron And his wife, you can't call it a night. He said he gets drunk every time he goes to that convention, he gets drunk. Sounds like my wife. And Bill said, that's not a very good idea. So Bob was, he was drunk before he left Akron. And he came back from Lincoln University, drunk, drunker, drunkest. Got into a fight in a bar. Our beloved co-sponsor gets into a fight in the bar. he's rescued by his nurse's husband takes him home, throws him on the couch calls up the house, gets Bill says I got him Bill said I'll be out in the morning Bill went out in The Morning with Bob's car took him to the hospital gave him some phenobarbital a couple of bottles of beer and Bob went off to work on some guy's ass if you may pardon the medical expression and now it's 5 o'clock at night and they're home and there's no Bob and now they know he's drunk and now it's six o'clock and there is no Bob and they know he's not drunk and now it's midnight and in walks Bob and he's not drunk and where have you been so I've been driving around in my old Buick mending fences an old Vermont expression you see when Bob had that first conversation with Bill he said to Bill I'll do everything you say but I can't make those amends this is a small town the last spring of my practice I've been barred from one hospital I'm close to the other I can't be driving around telling people I harm them because it's no good or ruin me Bill took what he could then Bob got drunk now it's his first day of not getting drunk what had he been doing? making amends in our book as a result of that This book is a book of experience. This is a book of experience. And I will give you an opinion of mine based on this. Bill Wilson was three years sober when he wrote this book. When I was three years sober, I could just about get to the goddamn meetings. I couldn't write no book and I'm as smart as he was ever. I think Bill had a little help in writing in his book. I don't want to push the thought, but I think he had some help because there's stuff in this book that's way beyond Bill. And he puts in here as a result of that, and I heard it read, at some of these steps we balked. Bob balks. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we begged of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. And that's what we're talking about here in these early steps. We were at the turning point, you and I, where, boy, if we had taken the other turn. I'll tell you about my brother. I had a brother, Billy, who was four years older than I. I was born in the South Bronx, in New York City. I hadn't no father. I didn't have an alcoholic mother. And I had my brother, Willie, who is four years old, and I had two very wonderful the sisters. And Billy was a big alcoholic, big time alcoholic. And I liked to drink with Billy. I liked everything with Billy. He was my father, my hero, and my brother. And when I was five years old, when Billy came to see me, he lived on the street. He's an alcoholic. I'd spent a long time in the Marines. And he had a check, and he lived down in Bowery. And he'd come up when he fell again. And we was up, and I was going to a meeting, and I asked him if he'd like to go with me, and he said no. He said, I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to drink. He said you're an alcoholic? You've always been weird. And you know, I said all right, we'll be. And when I came back that night for the meeting, he was gone. He had taken some money from my wife, he'd given her some money, and she just disappeared. And five years later, they called me up from the Veterans Hospital, and they said he was dead. They died of alcoholism. It killed him. He didn't even have it. He didn' t have it he told me he didn' d have it and he died of it. He died the way our corks do without family without friends just a terrible thing but I'll tell you this my brother Billy doesn' t drink anymore he stopped the hard way he doesn't drink anymore and Bill was back here in Akron and Bob wasn't drinking and they all stayed together and then Bill came back to New York and the things started to go and as many years ago and many lives ago and many people have come here many people left here and here you and I are in Orlando in 1999 in the month of January It's a long way from Akron, Ohio, isn't it? And I'm not talking to you about geography. It's along the way from that to Ohio. And what was the first thing they did? The first thing they didn't was to get together. Bill Wilson needed Bob Smith as much as Bob Smith needed Bill Wilson, if not more. Can you give me one of those napkins over here? Bill Wilson needed Bob Smith as much as Bob Smith needed Bill Wilson. Thank you. Bill Wilson never could stay sober until he met Ebby at the hospital. Did stay sober. Ebby never did stay sober, as I use that term. He got periods of sobriety, periods of dryness, but Bill put him away, Ebby, in the last six years of his life, Bill paid for him. He was out in some dump up there in Albany and they buried him up there. But he never got sober. Which brings up another point. The quality of the message is not dependent upon the quality of the messenger. So if something I say you don't like or offend you, don't worry about it. But listen to the message. because the message I'm bringing you is the same message that this book brings you and that's the first word or the first step and you and I, that's why we're here and it isn't a question of drinking not drinking at all as I explained before it's a question of powerless powerless and it took me thank you, it took be three years I came in 62 it took three years to get a year I fought this thing I fought it it wasn't going to get me son of a bitch and I oh I went at this I shook my finger at it and believe me I knew a lot about alcoholism I knew it as a practical thing I'm the only male member of my family to reach age 50 all of the O'Keeffe's are dead the men all died of alcohol and I knew it I went to the funerals I used to make a joke out of it doesn't he look good now we stop drinking we thought that was funny and then we go across the street to a bar and we talk about how the deceased drank too much I knew about it and I'm a very smart guy and a very willed, strong-willed man. And as I told you, I was born with absolutely nothing. I had zero going for me. And when I was 26 years old, I was a professor of law at Fordham University School of Law. When I was 29 years old I was the youngest tenured professor of war in the United States. and when I was 35 years old I was asked to resign for drinking so smart doesn't have much to do with it and here's what happened to me I was back here about three months in 1965 and now it's 1966 and boy did I want to drink oh Jesus did I wanna drink every day you know when you come the first time you get an influx of spiritual power you get that free ride and you get that pink cloud and oh brother it's terrific but you got to come up off that lead that doesn't last you know it's good for about ten months and then it sort of dips and that's the point where you got to come up off of that like that and do something usually the fourth step but when you come back the second time it's not like that if you've had the experience boy every day you're hanging down there by your fingernails you know it's one son of a bitch it really is and that's the way I felt and I was afraid to drink I was scared to drink I knew what happened when I drank meantime now I have a wife I have seven children and we're all gathered together and I had acquired a lot of stuff I'd lost a lot but I kept a bunch of it and I'm the only one that's trying to get sober in the house and boy oh boy that's my wife I'm not here just left and I wake up one morning and I was I had been no longer was teaching I still had a license to practice law I was a pretty good lawyer and I had a law firm and all the rest of it so I started a law business so I get dressed and you know my son Jimmy says got into my lawyer costume and go I went to Manhattan and I lived in a village called Watchmont, New York and I went into Manhattan to my office and I sat down at my desk and I looked out the window and then it occurred to me I had not thought of a drink that morning The morning before I would have killed you for a drink if I thought I could get away with it but I was afraid to have it and I go through Grand Central and get to my offices all bars nothing but saloons all through there and I called up my sponsor and I said I said, John, I didn't think of a drink today. He said, congratulations, hung up the phone. We were very close. He wanted me to whine to him and talk to him about it. We had great chats about my inner chum out. Yeah, we get in touch with my emotions, which is always nice. And I started to think about this. I started thinking about this, and that's the one thing my sponsor would tell me not to do you would have liked my sponsor I'd say to him, I don't feel good he'd say, just be as good as you'll ever feel oh Christ I said, well I'm very, very nervous what do you think I should do he said, hold on I said well, how do you hold on he'd says, let go it was like dealing with a zen master you know, it was all bubbles and air and baloney and oh Christ then I started to think he told me, he said don't I would say I think he'd say don't do that no, you will hurt yourself so you give yourself a spiritual hernia if you do that I said well I think and then I saw I started thinking I got a good mind I started think let's see what the hell I don't want to drink today I don' t it wasn't that I gave it up It wasn't that I swore off. It just, it wasn't, it didn't register. It was like American cheese. It didn't count. And I said, let me, what the hell? I live in the same place. I hang out with my wife, my children are the same. The next door guy, the neighbors are the same, the train's the same, this office has been here. There's only one thing different. I go to that meeting every night. That's it. I go through the meeting every there's something in that meeting that takes people like me who want to drink all the time and turns them around so they don't want to drink at all holy shit so I went to the meeting that night and I said to Al there's power in this meeting he said yeah just sit down drink your coffee I was telling Tom in the car this morning my wife was a very, very nice lady. And the mother of all those children begged me to stop drinking. Please, she would say. You've got to do something. I told her I would, but I couldn't. My boss, he was a godfather one of my children, a dean in law school, went on to be a big federal judge. We had a very close relationship at one time. He said, I can't have you around here like this. I said I would, but I couldn't. I was taken to my first meeting by the guy who delivered the mail to my house, Al. He was our mailman. And after the meeting, Al said to me, I'll pick you up tomorrow night at 8 o'clock. And I said, that'll be fine, Al, and I haven't had a drink since. Now you tell me what the hell that is. Do you think there's something going on in the post office that we don't know about? What the hell is that? People for whom I have affection, love, my boss, money. I couldn't do it for love. I couldn'T do it foI money. I did it for the postal service. What? I've long since given up thinking about these things. But Al that night said, Yeah, just sit down and have some coffee. You'll be fine. And then I figured out, so my sponsor showed up, of course, and I said to him, John, I'm reading the steps. Are they here? Some A groups actually have the steps, you know. Make believe they're behind me here. Because I do this, I miss the point. And John showed up and I say, John, what is a power greater than my own? It's a little vague. He said, a power greater than your own is a power greater than you're own. It's like dealing with Moses. You remember Moses. Moses one day was having a conversation with the bush that was on fire, you remember? What are you laughing about? Moses was talking to this thing and naturally Moses said to this, who are you? And this thing that were on fire said to Moses, I am that I am. And Moses said, thank you for clearing that up. For a few moments there and I thought I was talking to a bush that was on fire. He said, it's a power greater than your own. He said is it God? He said if you want it to be, it is. It's a Power Greater Than Your Own. He said they spoke the English language. If they wanted to write God, they could say we all believe in God. But they didn't all believe God. That wasn't true. One third of them didn't believe in god at all We are a hundred or so men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless condition of mind and body to show you precisely how we have recovered is the object of this book. You have recovering, recovered, the debate, you know. for your information I assure you know this anyhow recovered is in the book 57 times recovery is in the book once and recovering is in the book nuts we have a guy in Miami Donnie who's got 40 years sober and Donnie went to about the 4th grade he's a very good AA member and he has a little trouble with the English language and when he wants to say semantics he says symmetrics and when you start this with Donnie he says yeah, it's all symmetries forget about that shit, let's get on with it and he's right precisely how they have recovered is the object of this book it's a book of experience and the truth of the matter is this why do I have to know or describe to you a power greater than your own why do I have to do that what do I have to describe what it looks like put a dress on it, hang it on the wall build a church around it that's not what I'm talking to you about I'm not talking toyou about that, I'mnot talking toou about religion I'mn'talkingaboutasupremebeing I am talking too about power and that's the dilemma lack of power look at this beautiful place here, look atthis gorgeous gorgeous place and look at this power that's in here these lights and there's fans there's microphones now I'm a stranger here I don't know whether this power is coming from an atomic pile someplace or from a turbine over there someplace knowing Lee and his friends they got three gerbils out of this thing that are going around like that making a little but the truth of the matter is why do I have to know that I don't have to know the source of this power all I have to know is where the switch is and it's right back there because if I walk into this room and I want power to come into this room, all I need to know is where to turn on the switch in AA the switch is the meeting the switch is the meaning the switch turned on when Bill met Ebby the switch turned on when Bill met Bob the switch turned on when you and I came here this morning and there's power in this room at this minute do you feel that sometimes I think I'm overly sensitive to it there's power in this room at this minute come back here tonight come back at midnight come back her at 12 o'clock you know what you're going to see nothing there won't be any power here just another room in another building but right now brother now that power did not come here with me I know that but it's here and it's the same power that came into my life in 1965 it's the same power that maintains every one of your lives it's the same power that maintains this program and it is nothing less than the power of God nothing less than the power of God and that's all it is and that is your experience, and that's my experience. Every one of us tried to stop drinking on our own. Couldn't do it. Every one OFUS went out to other powers. Couldn't Do It. I heard them read this morning. It must be so. If they read it, it's right in there. It says, no human power can we, can something, our alcohol. I'm having a senior moment. No human power. Can we leave our alcoholism? No humanpower. No Bob, no Bill, no sponsor, no group. No human Power. She begged me to stop. A power clearly greater than my own. begged me to stop and for whom I have great affection not a chance my boss, a power greater than my own surely I couldn't stop judges before all my peers said don't be coming in here that way with a stroke of a pen they can put me out of business I was a very unfortunate judge the guy from the post office I stopped picking up and I go what the hell I've long since you know given up about it but that's it I came to believe see it happened to me it happened to you nobody had to tell me about it it happened I didn't want to drink anymore holy Jesus I don't want to drink and I haven't seriously thought of a drink since it just doesn't you know it doesn't count it doesn' t register oh every once in a while I see a thing go by and say ooh I think more about smoking than drinking but that's a whole other subject now we're going to take a break in a minute or two I just want to solve a few mysteries one of the great mysteries is the third step because people don't realize what's going on here right after what they read this morning and how it works right after the next sentence in this book. After that, it says, being convinced, we are at step three. That's right after The ABCs. Being convinced, and then it says what do we mean and what do we do? See, I hear people talking about the third step, and I'm telling you they're beyond me. You say to the guy, you want to wear the, you know, where should we go? Should we go to the movies tonight? Oh, I don't know about that. God hasn't spoken yet. I'm 100% turned over. Oh, Jesus. Here it says, you know, earlier in the book it says clear cut directions will be given to you. Here, listen to this. Just what do we mean by that and just what do мы do? First they tell you what they mean. They mean this. It says the first requirement is that you and I understand that a life based on self-will can hardly be termed a success. And that was my life, and it was based on the self-willed and by material worldly standards, which are not bad standards at all. And they're the standards I go by. I had a successful life. It was so successful that I spent my 35th birthday in a mental institution I didn't surrender they came and got me she had them come boy she had him throw a net right over me to take me away and I was put in this dump and I was only in it a matter of moments when I discovered a very serious architectural deficiency in the building there was no doorknob on my side and I was only in there for a matter of moments when I explained to this man who was walking around in a white coat an obvious moron I told him it was the occasion of my 35th birthday and on that very day I had attained age 35 And under the Constitution of the United States of America, I was eligible for the office of president. He urged me not to play in any campaigns. He said they had two presidents in residence. and he went away and left me son of a bitch and I had to admit to myself that life was really not successful this was not it either these mistakes seem like a good idea at the time when I was 16 years old I was in trouble in the neighborhood in the Bronx I was having trouble with my mother I was had trouble with the brothers at school I was under lots of trouble with lots of people so I joined the Navy and six months later I was on a minesweeper out in the South Pacific we were blowing up the ocean and it was raining dead fish on my head and I thought to myself this is not it either a poor career choice I've made here I was forever making decisions like that well this is what it says now I was not successful in any way at all oh I was good at work but that's just part of your life it was not a success I had to have and the reason I was not successful I didn't have the power to be successful I did not have the capacity to be successful I had to get that here and I was here for a while my sponsor came to me and I would I was going to meetings every night and you know I was doing what I told you and he said it's time for you to make up your mind I said what about he said you have to make up your mine whether or not you're going to stay here. I said, for Christ's sake, I'm here all the time. No, no, he said, you may go out again and go back to where you were. You want to do that? I said no. He said, are you sure? What the hell are you talking about? Am I sure? That's like saying, how would you like to go back Duluth for the weekend? Jesus, I've been out there. You know what's out there, terror is out there. Terror. I'm not talking about fear. I'll tell you about alcoholism. Here's what alcoholism is. It's that thing that wakes you up at 4 o'clock in the morning. Remember that thing? It comes into your room and it wakes you up and it tells you you're no good and you're a phony and they're going to come get you soon. And you're a rotten, dirty son of a bitch. Now at 3 o'clock in the afternoon you can argue that I am not, sir. How dare you? But at 4 o' clock in the morning when you're in that bed, when you're on that bed and it's 4 o clock in morning and this thing has got you by the throat, you can do nothing except fear. Right? Terror. Absolute terror. That's alcoholism. And that's what's standing out there. Right by that lake. That's what is waiting for me if I go out there. And brother, I've had enough of that. I've been so scared God damn it, enough. I've be so scared I can't take any more of that No more. And without help, it's too much for me. I got to have it. I gotta have it, I gotta have it." And it says here that—it's an amazing thing what it says here—it has here a law of supply. Remember the words of the steppe? It said we made a made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God as we understand him. Now I don't make too many pronouncements in all of this, but here's one. There's no requirement in this program that you turn over anything to anybody for any purpose. Forget it. Why would you? Because I'm giving my life to God. what a lot of bullshit that is why would you do that why would you give up your life, that's your life that's your life don't give up your life to anybody it's yours and you will why would You do it and who wants it say hey God, O'Keefe wants you to have his life, oh brother that piece of shit that he gave yeah I guess give him my regards you know oh brother but you hear people do it they're walking around they're all turned over they're giving God this and then they and then they take it back suppose he don't want to give it back Lord I want my will back fuck you alright they take me on Tuesday they take it back and say, ha ha ha. Not a chance, gang. It doesn't say, you know what it says? It says you ask him to have a care for you. Now isn't that nice? That's a good thought, that he would have a carer for you, not for me. Good thought. You know one of my wines. Always was, no one cares. Nobody gives a shit. Poor old O'Keefe, you know. And here it is. He has a care for you. A care. Now I have seven children and I like them all and I care for them. I don't tell them what to do. I never did tell them want to do. I didn't tell him what schools to go to. I didn' t tell him what to study, what to be. My oldest kid, as you probably have seen him, he's a very well-known actor. He told me he wanted to be an actor. I said, that's a stupid thing to be He's nominated for an Academy Award. He's a good actor and so forth and so on. I'll talk to you later about it. But I care for him. I don't tell them what to do, I don' t tell them where to live and how to do it. I don t tell them how to make movies, how to be on television program how to marry very famous people I wouldn't tell them any of that my kids do what they want they're all very nice kids and every one of us come to AA so it makes them special but this is what we're saying to God as we understand him or you understand him have a care for me and he has a care I find that a very comforting kind of a notion that God would have a care for us and when it comes down to the end, it says we were now at step three. See, all of this is prelude to step three, and here's where they slip step three to you. It's a very, very simple thing. It's prayer. They lay it on you. It's pray. Now I'm going to ask you to do something. You don't have to do this. This is 100% voluntary. I would propose, because I'm gonna read something. we found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person I'm going to suggest that as we sit here you and I will do the third step prayer now I'm gonna read it slowly and I want you to repeat it after me like I was administering an oath I know many of you know it but don't get ahead of it because some people don't know it and we don't want to embarrass anybody now if you don't wanna do this it's perfectly alright no one's gonna ask you to leave you don' have to do anything in fact if you wanna leave go out and have a cigarette take a leak in the lake whatever you want here we go I'm gonna read it so I don't make a mistake I change the these and the nows because I don' talk that way here we g God I offer myself to you to build with me and do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power your love and your way of life may I do your will always congratulations you just took the third step we'll take a ten minute break . . . Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.