Ralph W. – Big Book Study – The Thin Line Between Comparing and Identifying – 2018

I'll give you my friend, Ralph White. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! and if you get the opportunity to introduce somebody at a podium jerry just gave a quick primer on it i've been introduced a lot of places sometimes some folk ended up uh telling their story many versions um sometime i wondered who was out there talking about and tonight i kind of wondered who was that Jerry was talking about. And a lot of you have been here over the weekend and I am really right you in the house? Oh my God. I am gone. Well, I was asking me before the meeting, do you get to go out and talk a lot? Is it the same every time? And I said, you probably need to ask Leslie that because I used to say to her, you probably don't want to be rolling with me as many places as we go because we go a lot of places because you'll get tired of hearing me I said she's probably better able for me there are two kinds of speakers in Alcoholics Anonymous probably more than that two kindsof speakers in AlcoholicsAnonymous Now, it's fashionable to say there are no bad speakers at Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe that. There are bad listeners. I'm one. Every now and then, I'll hear somebody, and they're not hitting me. And I'll be like, damn, what they doing with that guy up there speaking? And then at the end of the meeting, invariably, there'll be people who are greeting that guy. And they'll be sitting up here saying, man, you told my story. You said exactly what I needed to hear. And me being me, I'd be like, man don't be encouraging him. What the hell do you know? I got a friend in the program that tells a story and that story just hits me where I live. Said he was at a meeting when he was new and he had a sponsee brother of his. and they were sitting with their sponsor and the fancy brother when they were at the speaker meeting made the mistake of saying to his sponsor man I'm not getting nothing out of that speaker what is that guy doing up there I don't hear nothing and the sponsor looked at him and said maybe he ain't talking to you and the idea that there's somebody else in the room never even occurs to a self-centered alcoholic like me it's always got to be just about me when you go to a meeting at Alcoholics Anonymous I liken it to going to a concert but it's different than going to a concert because at a concert most of the time when you Go To A Concert it's one genre that's playing there you're going to see Snoop, you're going to See Cube, you might see Snoop and Willie Nelson on the same bill that's not how they do concerts you don't do it but at Alcoholic Anonymous that is how we do concerts in AlcoholicsAnonymous you know, you got everybody sitting in the room and because there are so many different alcoholics that you got a lot of different speakers and sometimes when I'm in a meeting to make it easy for myself when somebody is talking and I'm not feeling it but somebody else is nodding I'm like, oh yeah, they're rapping because I'm an old guy I'm nodding, yeah, that's rap or somebody else says, oh, yeah that's country western somebody else said, no, yeah yeah, yeah that's opera they like that you know and somebody else oh, that R&B yeah, now I'm nothing yeah, yeah, that's me and every now and then you got those transcendent artists people like Streisand, Michael Jackson and everybody in the room is nodding and every Now and Then you get that in Alcoholics Anonymous and that makes it easy for me because it's a lot of flavors and I guess that's my easy out so if I ain't your flavor I'm alright as long as one somebody gets to nod and they get to be I'm good with that and for me there's two kinds of speakers and I'll call us anonymous head speakers, you know. And I'm a head guy, you know, figure out and, you know, telling us how to do it, figuring it out, explaining the book. That's cool. That's cool. But in my first home group at home, and there's a couple of people in the room right now that recognize my home group. Tizana's up in here. Les is from L.A. You know, my first home group at home was 9604 South Figueroa. And in 9605 South Fugueroa, there was a brother in my home group, a brother named Brother. And Brother used to say, when heart speaks, heart hears. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, the universal language is the language of the heart. And as much as I'm a head guy, most of the time I like to lead with the heart so I don't ever know where we're going. You know, and on a weekend like this when I get particularly filled up, you know, I get filled up when I hear my friend Jerry get up here and say those words about me you know I get filled up when I see people that come from out of town and I'm gonna pretend the reason Tizana's here is because she know her boys in town you know i'ma pretend that the reason that Rachel was here is cuz I made a friend a couple of years ago and I asked about her every time I come to town you know imma pretend that this you know did somebody care about a brother because it wasn't always like that you know. I come from the place most of us come from. You know, I come from a dark place but it wasn't always dark for a guy named Ralph. We're storytelling society. That's our power, that's our strength, that's what we do. This weekend, we've been doing a big book workshop and the inclination when you get into the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, there's a strong inclination to say when you up in front of people, Chris, I'm not going to share along drunk-a-log, I just want to share about recovery, you know. But there's a lot of information that's going to be transmitted this weekend in that school. That's fine. There's a little bit of information out there. There's not a lot power involved in that. But that's not what keeps me coming back to these rooms. You know, yeah, I listen for the information. But the reason I keep coming back, I look for the transformation. I look för de transformation. Because it's transformational things that take place in the rooms at Alcoholics Anonymous. you know I see the transformation most I see it easiest and most clearly you know in the ladies you know I'll look at you and be like what the hell are you doing up in here look like a soccer mom you know i'll be looking christine oh is that such a cute young girl what you doing up in hier with us you know looks like a mom i'm like what are you doin up in her with us a nice grandmother make ooh you make me wanna eat cookies you know what the hel you doin with us and then you get up to the podium and I hear your story I'll be like please don't leave us you know and that's the power that's the power of Alcoholics Anonymous it's the transformation it's transformational because I'm a guy to come from that place you know and so the reason I share my story is you can't appreciate where I am now if you don't know where I come from I could have always been showing up in suits in fact I did show up in suit this ain't the first time I wore suits to work it's the first times you'll find me not in the same suit you know what I'm saying And so I might have always been this guy. So you can't appreciate who I am if you don't know where I come from. So I always share where I comes from. And where I came from is south central Los Angeles. I grew up in the heart of Watts. I'm one of six boys. We stayed in a little two-bedroom apartment, moms and pops in one room, six boys in three bunk beds in the other room. And my earliest memory, my old man, was he was an alcoholic and I didn't want to be like him. My father wasn't abusive and he wasn't violent. He was an absentee drunk. And every other Friday, like clockwork, you knew he would not show up with a check. It would be a kid in the neighborhood feel like it was his duty to tell my family how my old man had been performing up at the pool hall. And I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Those are feelings I'm familiar with from a very early age. Pops got put out the house when I was 9 or 10, and my mom started raising six boys by herself. I don't know about you, but when I grew up, ideal family life, we took it from the TV programs of the day. And the ideal family life programs that were coming on when I was a kid, Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, My Three Sons, Ozzie and Harriet, Jerry No. And that was not jumping off in my house. When you're grown, you get something that's called perspective. Perspective works like this. You've got a mom that raised six boys by herself. My mother was an old Southern Baptist sister that migrated to Los Angeles from Mississippi back in 1949. And she made her way, and she started making a life for her boys and her. And in the 60s, my mom was on welfare, you know, and my mom refused to settle for a lot. And she put herself back through high school, and she put itself through college, and She worked two jobs, and she took in clothes that she washed and ironed for other folk. And when you've grown, you look back on your life and say, damn, I had a hell of a mom. Look how she sacrificed to raise her boys. But when you're a kid about 9 or 10 years old, and you're coming home from school on a Wednesday afternoon with a couple of your partners, and you hit the front door and mom's in the living room with an ironing board up and a rag on her head, you don't feel proud. You feel ashamed and embarrassed and you stop bringing partners home from school and if your name is Ralph, you start living in the prison I've lived in much of my life and that's the prison of what I think you think about me. Don't know what you think about me but I'm trapped in what I do and I think you think about me and I will do whatever it takes to shape and form and mold your opinion around. I'll whine you, I'll dine you I'll woo you I'll con you I'll bully you I'll manipulate you I'll buy you please like me now I don't particularly have to like your ass but please like me so I'm growing up like that you know and so I am growing up and I am doing the deal and I'm going through what it is that we go through you know my brother talks a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous Ronnie's a year younger than me in life he's three months older than me in recovery we were together just last weekend in Maryland and when Ronnie tells his story we came out of the same environment we literally slept in the same bed his feet to my head vice versa And when Ronnie tells his story, he always wanted to be somebody else somewhere else doing something else. I, on the other hand, couldn't imagine being anybody other than me. I couldn't reimagine being anybody else other than a young brother growing up in Watts in the 60s. It was a changing time. It was turbulent time. I was going to be someone and make a name for myself and be an asset to my community. And the reason I share that story is there are as many different portraits of alcoholics as there are alcoholics. So, you know, I'm not here to share with you guys tonight that I'm an alcoholic because I'm a poor kid from the ghetto. You know, look around the room today. It was full of people that didn't come from that background. I'm nicht here to tell you that I grew up with parents that never touched it. Somebody in here tonight grew up and alcoholic because we didn't have no money. somebody in here might have grew up with a silver spoon I'm not even here to report to you that I am an alcoholic because I'm a little guy some big guys up in here I'm an alcoholic for two reasons and two reasons only one when I take one I can't tell you when I'm going to stop two when I sincerely don't want to put it in me and start it up again I put it into me and started it up again anyway I'm bodily and mentally different that's it, that's all the rest is my story as I started my story go a little bit like this every single one of you have me in your classroom I was usually class president. I was student body president. I was a straight-A student. I was teacher's pet. I played ball. I made all-stars. On the outside, I should have been okay. On the inside, I've always felt like if you really knew me, you wouldn't like me. Yeah, I was straight-H student. Yeah,I was teacher'S pet. I would have traded it all in if I could have been cool. If I just could have be cool because in my neighborhood, there was a whole lot more currency placed on cool than on smart because the cats who were cool, they were the ones in the bathroom smoking cigarettes, shooting dice, taking quarters from guys like me to brought extra quarters with them and they knew how to talk to girls. Girls were a mystery to me I don't know why it was fellas that you guys had a handle on this manhood thing early. 13 years old, you know cats would be talking about throwing down with girls already I didn't know y'all were lying but I'd be thinking to myself how come I don's know? It took me a minute to get comfortable telling my story in Alcoholics Anonymous This is the first place I ever landed where folk try to out bottom each other and I wanted a penitentiary story but I didn't want to go to the pen to get one and my story's my story, I'm not going to get another one in. And you know also my story is my story. I'm a square guy, I'm shy guy, I'M scared of girls, I' m 16 years old, I ain't touch nothing. Get a girlfriend at 16. Ralph with a girlfriend is 16 don't mean the same thing it means for some of you cats. Ralph with girlfriend at sixteen simply means this, ran with a crew of dudes, went with the same group of girls. One of my boys broke up with this girl, waited a little time to pass, told my other boy I want to got with her. He went and asked her, came back and told me she said yeah, now I got a girlfriend. I don't do girls, scared of girls. But this particular night and I had other girlfriends before but this one actually knew she was my girlfriend right? This particular night I'm out on a double date, me and my girl in the backseat older partner of mine, him and his girl in the front, he driving. Plastic cup of rum and coke come to the back seat this particular night, drank it down real warm rushed back to the top of my brain all of a sudden Ralph's hand started doing things they had never done, mouth started saying things it had never said, I had arrived. Alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself. Gave me the courage to do and to be and to say things I wouldn't do, be and say without it. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about me in lots of places. If you've been here this weekend, we've been talking about that. And we have a chapter in the front of our book called The Doctor's Opinion. And there's a line in The Doctor'S Opinions jumped out at me first time I read it. Men and women like me drink essentially for the effect produced by alcohol. I recognize that. I understand we talk about this disease being progressive in nature because that's how it showed up in my experience. I hear a lot of people when they share meetings, they say the first drink they took, it was magical, it transcended. They made a commitment. They would drink for the rest of their life. It didn't happen like that for me. First night I drank, it wasn't all right. I didn't make a fool out of it. I got a warm tipsy feeling. You know, I didn'T make a Fool out of myself. I didn' t throw up all over myself. Got this warm tips and feeling, kiss and lick and suck on my girl and some places I had never done before, and that's how my drinking stayed. I would drink to go out on the weekends and party. Graduated from high school in 71. Graduated to higher education in every sense of the word. 71, I'm still drinking to go to party on the weekend. By the end of 71, I'm drinking not only the night of the party, but I'm drinkin' during the day to get ready for the party that night. By 72, I're drinkin', not only on the weekdays, but I've been drinkin'' during the week after class and I've added some non-addictive marijuana to the mix. By the end of 72, I'm drinking and I'm smoking herb and I're selling herb. By 1973, I am drinking and smoking herb and I am doing other drugs and I do it on a daily basis and you could not have told me there was anything wrong with the way I was living. The big book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about at a certain point in my drinking career I won't be able to tell the truth from the false and the way that worked for me is this isn't the way everybody does it? Why would you be young, with a bright future, with a little bit of money, didn't chase some women and get loaded, come with the territory? In those days, man, if you came over miles and I couldn't offer you something to drink or something to smoke, I wasn't being a good host. And if I went over your house and you didn't do the same for me, not only weren't you being a good house, I wouldn't come over your house no more. For what? We didn't have nothing to talk about. You know, no disrespect to our young friends. I don't mean new friends, young friends, I'm glad I grew up in the era I grew up. I'm glad I came up at the time I came up. There's some people in here from my era. You know, I'm Glad I Came Up In The Late 60s And The Early 70s You Know. 2018 You Gotta Practice Safe Sex Or You Got Deadly Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Man, back in the 60s and 70s, even though it was a changing and turbulent time in this country, in some ways it seemed like a simpler time. I would go to a club back then. I'd have a one question interview for a girl. You get high? If not, next. I don't need to know your last name. I don't want to know your sign. I do not need to know who your mom is. Let us get to the basis of this relationship. Are you getting down like I am getting down? And that is just the way it was. You know, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous four times before I came to stay. And there are some thin lines in Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the thinnest lines that makes most of the difference, there is a thin line between comparing and identifying. In my early efforts of doing this deal, I would always compare and I would never identify. And I could not find myself in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and I couldn't find myself in any of you guys stories. And I would read the big book Alcoholic Anonymous. I'd read Bill's story. I should have done that this afternoon. I read Bill's story because I love Bill's story. But at that time first thing I do when I read bill's story first thing i say bill was older white guy missed me on that bill was a bill was a veteran of foreign wars. I'm a vietnam era draft dodger bill was a wall street stockbroker check out the way I handle money. If you read Bill's story, he had a partner where he said there had been no real infidelity. Missed me on that one too. You know, so I would always find all the difference. I do the same thing when you guys got up and shared your stories. And when I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous to stay, somebody taught me how to read the big book, AlcoholicsAnonymous. And they said, Ralph, the same way that you read the big books, AlcoholicAnonymous, is the same way you listen to our members share their experience, strength, and hope at the meetings. When you read the Big Book, AlcoholixAnonymous And when you listen to our members share their stories, ask yourself three or four questions. Ask yourself, did I drink like he drank? Did I think like he thought? Did I feel like he felt? Or did I do what he did? And when I read Bill's story in the light of those questions, I found my story. I'm at this major university just like Bill. The drive for success was on. I proved to the world I was important. Just like him, drinks started taking a more important and exhilarating part in my life. You couldn't have told me back in 71 and 72 when I'm living in the dorms up at UCLA. L.A., you couldn't have told me, I'm drinking that Annie Green Springs, I'm drinkin' that Tyroli, I''m drinkin'' that Boone's Farm, drinkin ''that Yago, drinkin that Red Mountain.'' You know, I started drinkin´ that Tanqueray and the, you know, and Southern Comfort and the Corbett, and you couldn''t have told m, alcohol was gonna have its way with me. But it did what it is that it does, and I stumbled up out of that school some years later, and I started workin'' as a counselor for L. A. City Schools, And even though I had the kind of job that should have allowed me to acquire what normal people acquire, I never did that. Snapshot of Ralph's life. This is when alcohol was working. I'd buy a car. I'd make exactly three car payments, then come find it. Come find it." First time I had a car repossessed, I had to nerd or call LAPD. Next two times, I didn't even trip. I already knew. I'm nine months behind on the car, and I'm calling the police, you know. I'm the kind of brother that never had a problem balancing a bank book. Payday, I got money. Two days later, broke. Zero. No problem balancing my bank book, staying in the crib from 1976 to 1979 without paying rent. A couple of baffling features about the disease I suffer from. One of them is this. I can't see my relationship with alcohol until I'm free of it. I can see what it's doing to me when I'm in the mix. So some of the things that are crystal clear to me now, looking back in the rear view mirror of experience were not at all clear to me when I was going through them one fact stands out real clear to me about the days I thought alcohol was working I used to go to work for two weeks to live for two days that's it that's all can't tell you the day or the time or hour can't say where I was or what I was doing when alcohol ceased to be a luxury for me and became a necessity I can tell you that it did happen to me Thank you. something want to jump out of my mouth so bad it wants to come out so bad but if it come out I don't know where I'm going to go after it comes out I don't know if you did that or not, Juan. I don' t feel like telling my story. Every now and then, because I do this a lot, I do it a lot. I do a whole lot. And every now and the end, my story feel like it's a story I'm telling it just feel like it's the story I am telling to somebody that happened to somebody else I remember when I was new to Alcoholics Anonymous I used to wonder will you ever get to the point when you forget what it was like will you ever get sober so long that you don't remember and every now and then a smell, a sensation a memory and instead of telling my story I'm living my story every now and then I get those times and I get these opportunities I was in Denver some many years ago and I said I was talking to Don P and I says sometimes when I'm telling my story it feels like it's about somebody else and I don't feel like I'm talking about me and Don said Ralph that's because the man you're talking about died that man is dead and there's somebody else there and every now and then he said but that man can be reborn so now that I put it out there that I don't feel like telling my story but I got to talk for the rest now I don' t know where we going because I like talking about this thing of ours I really, really, really, really am grateful for this deal of ours. I don't know how to talk about it without telling you who I am though. I don' t know how to talk about it without letting you know how dark it got for me. I don''t know how to talk about it without letting you know that I come from a place that if you came from that place you talk about this power all night long too. I don'' know how to do that and I know how to do it in the way I've been doing it, I don't feel like doing it like that. I don'T feel like telling the wedding story. I DON'T feel LIKE telling the story I told all the time. So we just gonna talk about, I'ma talk to you about my fellowship. I'm gonna talk to you about what I've discovered in this journey of mine. I'Ma talk to you abOut this family of mine that I'VE discovered. Because Jerry did something to me when he did the introduction. Rachel did something to mE when I saw her sitting in the audience. T did something tO mE. I didn't know. when I signed up for this, I didn't know. So dude, check this out. I've come from an era when it was, you know, getting older was the thing to do. In 73, a cat came up to me and he was introducing me to something isn't it interesting the words we use we don't need people to use words like that we say our drinking careers god damn drinking yeah it was such a I worked at that harder than I worked at any employment Bill puts that in the book our drinking career we say stuff like that then we say I remember when I was introduced to I was introduced to weed I was introduce to drink and I was Ralph meet your future master you know because alcohol it was my master I didn't know I was me money you know and he said so I was introduced on 73 a cat came up to me you know cuz I'm drinking and I'm the reason I count 71 is when it really started for me I was I drank at 16 years old in high school but I didn'T get out it wasn't the way it came on me it's some young people in here I'm looking at Christine baby what you doing in here with us. You know, but I'm so glad you're here with us. I'm grateful that you are here with us. But when I'm 25, Jerry, I'm 35 years old. I'll be a millionaire by the time I'm 30. I am at this major university. I'm rolling with cats we're going to look at in the NFL on TV. I m rolling with people who are going to be business leaders in my town in this state, in my state, in this country, in the world. And I'm going to be one of them. I'm anointed and I'm a child and I used to be a high achiever and I made first kid off my block to go to college. Then my brother Ronnie, then my brother Reggie. My mama was proud. Everybody on the block knew the white boys. High achievers, fast track for success. I'm used to getting praise. I'm use to getting applause. I'm us to getting pats on the back and that's how I'm gonna be. My first goal when I was a kid, I said I'm aware number 30 and play shortstop for the Dodgers and said it then I got to high school was never not scared of the ball I knew I was going to change my second goal said it did admit it was I'm going to be the first black president in the United States and where I come from people encourage me. I always had an encouraging mom I got a remarkable mom. I got a remarkable family but I got that thing I got that thing and it don't matter how encouraging the family is. It don't mater how smart you are. It doesn't matter that you in the AP It don't matter that you go to school early. It don'T matter that all these things were said about who's going to be the most successful. I got that thing, and it don'T show up on an X-ray. It ain't nothing to say, Ralph. In 71, if you start drinking, and in 72, if we start smoking that herb, and in 73 when they offer you this and you start hitting it, it ain't no warning signs in me to say it because the same cats who put me down in the game, those cats later on, they grew up and they outgrew it and they went on about their business. They got married, they had kids, they had families but me and my brothers we had our thing. We had our thing you know and so by the time I get up out of school and I start working and I started doing this deal man you know I start descending slow. I'm the kind of alcoholic it came on me real soon. It didn't come on me quick you know. I went the regular progression and so now by the mid 80's I'm working in management at a major utility company you know but I'm the real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde that's described in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and as I'm rising in the workplace my alcoholism is rising at the same time you know here's the dynamic about Dr.JekyllandMrHyde I'm a businessman by day but I'm a vampire by night and the vampire starts over there the vampire always outgrows the businessman the vampire alway outgrrows the housewife the vampire allways outgrowers the school teacher and so the vampire ends up showing up at work Vampire don't work at work. Don't pay the vampire to come to work. And one day they call a vampire in and they say, dude, you got a doge and take dude with you. And I'm out of my dream job. First job I had in management. First salary position I had. Didn't have to worry about it. And I am like, damn. And that is 1985. Hit my first program in 1985. I am married. I am marrying. you know and I'm married in name but I'm a real alcoholic he says that we were reading this afternoon that the alcoholic life seems like the normal life, I got paid on Thursdays, it seemed normal to me, don't expect to see me at home on payday seemed normal to me, I come home on Sunday it seemed normal to me if my kids make the money stretch the Sunday, I'm the kind of guy that on pay day my goal was to make the money stretch to Sunday usually it will run out by about Saturday and I stumble up out the motel and I want to shoot the birds for singing have somebody in that motel with me like tea or something and you know when we went up in the motels we was cool but by the time you know everything is gone I don't want to see you what you doing still up in here unless you can go make something happen you would look good getting up out of here and I'm stumbling up out of there and the daylight is hitting me and I can't stand the daytime I like it at night I'm a street walker graduate of a major university in this country, I'm walking the streets I'm walkin' the streets I wanna shoot the birds for singing go into treatment in 1985 share with you guys who were here this weekend about two relapses I had in 1985. Went out to a club with a girl drinking ain't really my problem because by the time I made it to the rooms I was under the lash of this real, I had this real smoking thing on me and I was really beat up there. Drinking ain't my problem although when I start drinking I can't stop. Never have. Never tried to. Went to a club, Long Island Ice tea, had one. Wasn't mine. It was the girl who was there and I went to the club where she was dancing. Left me at the table with a Long Island just me and it by itself. She'd go off I'd relapse. Come back running to the program Christmas Eve in 1985 I get disappointed at my then wife's house that I thought I'd be welcomed back in on Christmas Eve put together a bike for my daughter she asked me to leave about 11.30 that night I leave and go back to my mom's house where I'm staying with my brothers deliberately to get loaded get loaded and then I stay out until October 1986 where I washed up on the shores of Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't know what was different on October the 10th got involved in a real bad deal wasn't really bad it was I mismanaged somebody's money that they had anyway a black truck was chasing me went to my mom's house the morning of October the 10 th of 86 morning of the 11th told my mom a lie that i was going in the treatment center my brother was in called my brother to seal the deal my brother said they got a bed for you october the 13th of 1986 i went to harvard life center on skid row in downtown los angeles and that october in 1986 i was in a real bad way and i was a real dark place i was full of remorse and i'm full of regret and i'll never be able to forgive myself for the things i had done and what i have become me and my brothers had damn near killed my mom it was six of us and we were drinking and we was smoking up in her house we gave her a nervous breakdown and my brother Ryan came to you guys July of 86 I followed October 11 and my life ain't been the same started going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous after I had been in treatment for 30 days I started going to 9604 South Figueroa in the evenings and after I was able to start getting out on passes I started going to the old Crenshaw Auto Club at noon and I was 33 years old and I was tired of losing there were some markers for me and some milestones I'm a grandiose guy, I'm big I'm a big things guy, like Vegas is a town I like it's ostentatious, it's big do what you want to do you want a hotel with a roller coaster around sure go build one like that and I like that kind of stuff though I'm not a showy guy I'm a really conservative guy but I like that kind of stuff and later on as me and my brothers all made it to you guys we would have some really astounding Christmases at the White House, you know everybody was sober, we would have these big deals and I have two daughters and it would be lavish stuff and a lot of gifts for the nieces and the nephews but this first December in 1986 I was in treatment and I was getting disability had no idea I was able to get disability because when I'm in the life, I don't go see about no benefits. Some of you guys could do a hustle that you know you could do a hustle here to pay it off later on. You do slip and falls. I can't do no hustle that is not going to be, I do this, give me the money right now. I didn't even go see about unemployment. I was that trifling. I just couldn't get off the block. I might miss something. So I had all this disability that was on the books. They were putting money on the book for me when I was in treatment In December of 86, I got some money off the books in the treatment program to go buy my daughter something for Christmas. I got $60 or $40. I can't remember. and I went and bought this pink jacket with a fake gray fur collar swap me variety probably told you I had $40 wouldn't even walk in the house with that now But that December 1986, my first sober Christmas, it looked like a mink stall. And I've had a lot of Christmases since then. Still my favorite Christmas. Where's this coming from? I didn't think I'd be a dad. Thought it was a done deal. Because dads don't go in piggy banks, and I did. first marker started going to meetings rolling strong I've never had a problem going to means I'm never not going to like going to meets we're three legacy program unity recovery and service first leg of that triangle is the fellowship and I fell in love with the fellowship before I fell in love with the meetings. You know, that lady sitting over there is two ladies from my hometown sitting in here right now. One of them is me and her. We're rolling. That one right there was a classmate of mine back in the day. And she was in Pasadena with that crew over there. But we were such we were so hungry coming in. It felt like to me when we came in and we were just a hunk. If you come from the dark, if you come from the dark. Sometimes I miss that feeling. I miss that feel in the new. I miss that feeling of wonder. I miss that excitement of possibility. I miss that excitement of wow. Just one thing was enough, just a pink jacket. And you guys put my feet on the path to go somewhere. I started going to this meeting. One day I was sitting at the meeting heard a lot of talk about get this sponsor get this sponsored, get this sponsored I'm sitting at a meeting it was a speaker meeting a guy at the meeting was speaking and he was a guy everybody knew I'm a watcher you know I'ma watcher you know a guy probably as much time as Jerry has now and there he walks around everybody at the meeting wouldn't know who he is that's how my sponsor was at that time. He wasn't an old, old time, but he was mid and he got respect. And when he talked I listened to him. And he walked, you know, he had he was a family man and he was a man of integrity and he Was a man of responsibility. And I knew who he was. He didn't have no idea who I was. You know how newcomers see us and we don't even know who I am. But I'm sitting about right there at the meeting. And it was a break. And He was leading the meeting. And I'm sitting, and I had this newcomer thing going. I'm scared, I'm feeling like an outsider inside the rooms at Alcoholics Anonymous. I am sitting by myself and I'm scared that nobody sees me. And at the same time I'm scared that no body sees me, I am scared to go up and get some coffee because I'm scared I might stumble and everybody's looking at me, right? Because I'm that self-centered and so I wouldn't move. I was sitting there at the break and Bob Hunt Came out and he shook my hand. And he asked me my name. And then the meeting went on. The second half of the meeting. I don't know who spoke at the meeting and I don' t know who said anything at the meeting. But at the end of the meeting he said after a moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers, I want my new friend Ralph. Somebody knew my name and alcoholic synonymous. start rolling with that man he had a partner both of them had been sober both of them had be sober a little while seemed like they had been sober like 50 years then they had double digits they probably was 11 or something 10 or 11 seemed like 50 there was people that was 3 years sober it seemed like you were an old timer to me man and these guys put me in the car and both of them had been in the nuthouse and they talk about doing the Thorazine shuffle and talk about the millerill twist and I was just fascinated with those stories because I'm a school boy and I'm square guy I ain't been in no nuthous I ain' been in penitentiary I've been in some sordid places and we would be in the car and we'd be rolling and those guys would take me around and one day me and Bob were rolling and I needed a sponsor but I'm scared because I don't know AA I don' t know something for nothing I come from no it's always something you got to have something to offer you gotto have something I don't know AA yet and I'm scared to ask Bob to sponsor me because what would he want to do with a guy like me and I am just so terrified of rejection I couldn't take it so I am in a dilemma so we rolling one day and I took these I said ok I didn't ask him I said you know I consider you my sponsor right so I didn't have to ask right he couldn't remember you know i consider you my sponsor right and bob did what he does and he just kind of looked to the side and said okay brother let's do this thing i'm not the speaker tonight because i'm the one that's going to try to scare you in the recovery I'm not the speaker tonight because my message is if you go back out there, still kicking ass. If you go right now, in fact, and what I used to think of as my heyday, people used to look at the way I was getting down and be like, damn, Ralph, ain't you scared of overdose? I'd be like scared of overdoses. I'm scared of the deadly underdose. You better put some more. So the message of fear is not the message that a whole alcoholic of my variety, the message to the whole alcoholic, my me, the book talks about me, saw me coming, says the message. that a whole guy like me is a message that's got to have depth and it's got to have weight the message tonight speaker brings to you just got the most up in the most way you're looking at a guy with 33 years old are giving up on life you looking at the guy who were 33 years old did not know where his little girl was enrolled in school and didn't know where his family was living you look into the guy with 32 years old had not answered anybody's 8 o'clock or 9 o' clock wake-up call to go to work and so long I no longer thought I was employable you looking at the kind of came from a major university in this country and my job at the end taking the trash out for a 21 year old sleeping in the back of my mother's garage eating lemons off her neighbor's lemon tree for breakfast and the men and women in this fellowship met me in that condition and you love me and you nurse me back to health you gave me something you know something at that time they used to say something i found strange as hell in the means they used to say let us love you till you can love yourself i didn't believe that one did not believe that one for a minute i didn' t know i didn''t know i was still brand new i'm like how you gonna love something like me. I stink. If you turn your back on me, I'm liable to go in your purse right now. How are you going to love something like me? And that was before I knew what takes place in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was before i knew what happens when the guy in you reaches out to the guy in me. That was before i needed an Alcoholics Anonymous we specialize in loving unlovable people and you love me and you nurse me back to health and you gave me something man for which i'll be forever grateful. You know i got four of us made it to you guys four of us made it to you guys in that chapter in the action where we have steps 8 and 9 it describes me it says Ralph is like a tornado roaring through the lives of others imagine my mom was six tornadoes all of us that got put out of our homes and all of us were staying with my mama one by one the four that needed to get here came to you guys said it earlier today I have no scientific evidence to prove it but I have a strong suspicion that as a result of us getting here coming to you guys 30 some odd years ago that's why my mom is here right now we put her in the hospital and something happened and when that wind stopped blowing and when these grown ass sons of hers started doing something and making reparations and making right it's amazing to me what I get to be a part of it is amazing to me what I signed up for that I didn't know about you'd have a different speaker if this thing wasn't fun you'd have a different speaker up in here I'm very serious about recovery I'm seldom serious in recovery if you ain't laughing in this program you ainít taking this program serious enough Iím dead serious about that man I am so grateful for the life that Iíve been given I am SO grateful that you guys put me somewhere and stood me up there are some gifts I wasnít expecting that two year old daughter whose piggy bank I was going in who I gave that first coat to in Christmas of 1986 she was two and a half years old at the time she's 35 years old right now she's a practicing attorney in the state of California and when she went to undergrad and when she went to law school she wasn't put through by a play daddy a stepdaddy, a pretend daddy an uncle, none of that you guys do good work you do good work when I walked down the aisle with her four years ago and a young man had asked her daddy for a hand she was on my arm shaking, music was playing, we walking down the aisles, she talking in my ear, dad this is the happiest day of my life, I'm sad about one thing she said, I said what's that baby She said, this is the last day I'll ever be rain white, but I'll always be daddy's girl. You do your work. I got a 23-year-old daughter at home who's never seen her daddy loaded one day at a time. She never will. I came in here and I looked at my phone and I tripped. I had a call from her. And when my girls called or when my mama called, I always called back, even though they don't always know I'm gone. Sometimes it's just a call. the river had been in Nevada and she calls and she's supposed to, she's in a program and I thought she was calling because they had a performance tonight and she talks to me before performances sometimes and she called and she said dad I'm in urgent care and I'm like oh but it's just a bug bite she said that she ignored for a couple of days now it's gotten really big they don't have a performance tonight they have a performance tomorrow she's going to take care of it dad can you send me something for the copay and that 23 year old little girl of mine has never seen her daddy loaded and one day at a time she never will graduated from Boston University last May we rolled down there about 15 deep showing our ass at the graduate hey that's my baby and I remember when she came out her sophomore year she was moving out of the dorms in Boston flew back there my older brother is back there and we were moving the girls in she had two roommates and the parents were all moving the kids in want you to have your moments if you knew I want you too to have Your Moments want you To Have Your Own Moments you know we were Moving The Kids In and every now and then those of us who've experienced grace and we know it by name and we don't call it coins that we don't call love when you've tasted it for yourself. And every now and then, Jerry, it just overwhelms me. I had to step in the bathroom when we were moving the kids in. And I'm not a crime man, but as y'all see, I can be sometimes. And I went to the bathroom, and the tears were just coming because it was coming over me. This is what dads do. They don't go in the little girl's piggy bank. They move their daughters into their first crib. This is how they do it. This is why dads do it, too. it's Alcoholics Anonymous you guys do good work I was in the waiting room in the recovery room not that long, four years ago this past May I've been in the recovery room for both my daughters but this time I was in there with my daughter with my grandson coming I like to think and I like to think about it and remind us, and many of us here who've been doing this for a while, although we don't always think about it, let's think about it. Although I don't come to the program, and although I don' t come to Alcoholics Anonymous for the ripples, sometimes it's the reason I stay. I call them the ripples. Jerry's tripping, the seats look like they, you know, but every time I go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I know that the faces we see here are not the only people that's affected by us being, by what we're doing tonight. Every time I go and meet an Alcoholics Anonymous I know it's a whole lot more people in this room with us tonight getting well. I know there's a whole lot of people getting better. I know there'a whole lot people getting affected. I know if you look real close right now you'll see a four year old little boy named Artis Reid who would not be on this planet if it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous. If you look real close, you'll see two girls right here one of which had her whole trajectory changed, one of which the world would not even know River White if her daddy hadn't made it to AlcoholicsAnonymous. If you look real close, there's an 88-year-old lady and she's still alive and she still kicking who I don't believe would be here if I hadn't found alcoholics in the house if I look real close I see miles and I see Jonathan if I looked real close I see some parents in here there's some people in here taking care of that they never would happen if it wouldn't have been for Alcoholics Anonymous if I look real close chris if i look very close next to everybody sitting in here you know how they say for each alcoholic we touch the lives of about five ten other recovery is progressive too and for everybody in a row who wouldn't want to be part of a fellowship like that every time i go to a meeting i get to participate in some little boy or some little girl getting ready to have mama come home every time i go to a meeting i get to participate in some man or some woman getting ready how the hell of a maiden are they life every time i go do what me i get the participating some family can read out that he come home every time I go to meet who wouldn't want to be. I've always wanted to do something important and i've always want to do some significant and i can think of nothing more important than nothing more significant than being a a participating member of the life-saving, life-changing experience that is Alcoholics Anonymous. Whenever anybody anywhere reaches out for help, I want to hand aid to be there for that. I'm responsible. I take it real serious. You'll never hear Ralph White say, I don't know why I'm sober. I know exactly why I am sober. I get a blessing so that I can be a blessing. Recovery for me is a gift from God. What I do with my recovery, that's my gift to God. My name is Ralph White. I am an alcoholic. Thank you.