Pushing Down the Feelings and the Facade – Frank J.

About This Speaker Tape

Danville, Illinois, and a childhood that looked like a perfect script. Frank J. was the athlete with the ideal parents, but beneath the surface, he was a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He spent his youth crafting a macho facade to hide a terrifying secret: he was afraid of the dark. To bridge the gap between his "wimp" interior and the tough guys in leather jackets, he turned to violence and ambush, hitting people with bricks and sticks.

The drinking started with slow gin and 7-Up, leading to blackouts and a cycle of rage. From the Marine Corps to the jungles of Vietnam, alcohol became the tool that made him feel "bulletproof and invisible," masking the terror of combat and the guilt of his wreckage. He describes a drunken rage that nearly ended in a family tragedy when a gun malfunctioned in his hand. Today, he relies on his Higher Power and the 12 Steps, rejecting the "cop-out" of past trauma to maintain a sobriety based on comfort rather than pain.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Frank J. opens with a joke about getting to meetings on time.
• 10:15 Discussion of the Fourth and Fifth Steps and the discovery of childhood character defects.
• 18:30 The first blackout: drinking slow gin and 7-Up at seventeen.
• 26:45 The use of a morphine syrette in the Navy to kill fear and anxiety.
• 35:20 The violent wreckage in Okinawa: hitting a Marine with a pool cue and burning a hut.
• 44:10 The general court-martial after beating a cab driver with a rock.
• 52:15 Laughter: The story of the malfunctioning gun and the near-tragedy with his family.
• 1:02:00 The 'macho' facade during his time as a police officer.
• 1:15:30 The physical bottom: cirrhosis, hepatitis, and the diagnosis of being a dying alcoholic.
• 1:28:00 The process of learning how to be a husband and father through the example of others in AA.
• 1:40:00 Redefining 'macho' as responsibility, honesty, and emotional vulnerability.
• 1:52:00 Closing thoughts on the Big Book and the promise of sobriety.