Pushing Down the Feelings and the Facade – Frank J.

Hi, tape man. You got it. I'm Frank Jones. I'm an alcoholic. We still got folks coming in. I just want to tell any of you that just got here for the next AA meeting, which is tonight, and Jim's talking. It'll be all right if you get there on time. It ain't against the law. I don't judge. i just learned in alcoholics anonymous it's just okay to get there on time i try to do that of course i understand you got to get popcorn and cokes and everything so that's okay too i'm not a member of the saturday night live group we're not in a tent yet so let's keep the noise down clowns i was kidding doggone it it's good to be here i want to thank my friend jim for for asking me to participate here in the committee for allowing me to share this meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's just good to be in San Jose and be a part of this. And I'm honored to be on the same speaker's guest list that Ted is and that Jim is. And Diane yesterday gave a great talk, and tomorrow, Linda, and it'sjust nice to be here, and I'm comfortable with that. And the only thing I can tell you is that AlcoholicsAnonymous works. And if it didn't work, I wouldn't be here because I'm into comfort. I'm not into pain anymore. I don't get motivated by pain. Pain don't motivate me at all. You see, I can stand a lot of pain and I could stand a little bit and I can withstand a lot of pain before I got here and so I'm usually really in deep crap before pain ever affects me. So I like to out-gage my sobriety by my comfort and soI like to be comfortable and if AA wasn't doing it for me I wouldn't be here. So if you're new today that's the only thing I can tell you is that Alcoholics Anonymous works or I wouldn' t be here and it's just good. The other thing I've got to tell you is you're not going to hear anything but Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm just a drunk. I don't go to ACA meetings. I don' t go to CODA. I don''t go to Affective Member Family Syndrome meetings. I don ''t go NA, SA, Sex Anonymous, Overuse Anonymous or any other damn anonymous. I go to AlcoholicsAnonymous because I''m an alcoholic. My sponsor set me straight on that right off the bat by advising me that if I couldn''t work the 12 steps in Alcoholics Анonymous I damn sure couldn't work any other 12 steps because they all come from us we're the original so if I can't work ours I can' t work the others and the other thing is I can''t blame nobody for my problem I can ''t blame my mom in bed I can.''t blamemy wives I can'T blame my jobs I can?'t blame anything except the person that's standing here in the middle of my wardrobe I'm my biggest problem and I didn't know that until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and so that's just what you're going to hear tonight the only thing that I can tell you also is that I have no reason to be an alcoholic, for Christ's sakes. I mean, look at me. I mean I don't look like an alcoholic. Ted looks like an alcoholic. You know, Jesus, I can tell right now. But I don' t even look like a alcoholic. You folks here in San Jose do. Saturday Night Live folks look like alcoholics. Not a problem. I come from a good home. I was born in Danville, Illinois. And you've got it. I love it. Way to go, Bruce. You think I don't know him? I met him before the meeting. I didn't hide in my room. I've been out meeting and greeting. That's been taught out here in L.A. But I was born in Danville, Illinois, and I had ideal parents. My parents were phenomenal. Mom and Dad were married 50 years. My dad worked the same job for 40. And he was a kind man. He was a loving man. He was not an alcoholic. My mom was home for us. She was there. And I had an ideal childhood. If I wrote down a script for my childhood, I couldn't have written it out any better than it was. You see, I was blessed with some athletic ability and I liked to play sports. And I played football, basketball, and I run track, and I played Little League and Pony League baseball. So I just had an ideal childhood, and I didn't think I had any problems. And then I got into Alcoholics Anonymous, and you folks screwed that up for me. As soon as I did my fourth and fifth step, and I looked back over some of my character defects and shortcomings, I realized that I started posing at an early age. You see? I found out when I got in to Alcoholics Anonymous I was a liar and a cheat and a thief growing up. And I didn't plan to be a liar and a cheat and a thief. It just happened that way. It was just easier. And I've looked for the easier, softer way all my life. And it was just easy to steal stuff than it was to work and pay for it. It was easier to cheat and lie than it is to be honest. So I had to just do that. And so that's what I grew up with. And I know you can't tell right now, but I also grew up in a problem of perfectionism. And I don't know if you can see that, but I did. And I'll tell you, it got so bad that Mom and Dad would go grocery shopping or something and I'd wash and wax the kitchen floor. I'd polish furniture. I'd washed the windows or something just to feel a part of them. Dad or Mom would put a cigarette out in the ashtray and I would go clean it and wipe it off. Even today, I could spot dust on the floor at 50 feet. And I used to walk around the house when we moved into a house and I used say, what's all the lint doing on the carpet? Now my wife's an Al-Anon. You know what she'd say? Why are you always looking down? Well, I don't have an answer for something like that. I'm slow, and I'd have to call my sponsor. And so he gave me the answer, and I started looking up. So then I started spotting cobwebs in the corners. No problem. But I was a perfectionist growing up, and that's how I was, and my parents didn't put those demands on me. That's just how Frank Jones was. And the other thing was, growing up there, a little girl lived next door to us, and she was my age. And her and I started playing doctor at an early age. That's not funny. That was serious. We loved it, dear. Her and I decided to go to school and we started comparing the differences between her and I, and I like the differences. And you know, I was taught right from wrong. If you're an AA also, that don't change. You're going to keep liking the difference, so don't let that bother you. When you get sober, it ain't boring. But her and I, we used to try to play doctor and stuff, and I felt guilty about that because I was raised in a good home, and I knew the things that her and I were doing was wrong. But I used to stuff that guilt down because if it felt good, I just kept doing it. And if it felt really good, I overdid it, and that's why I wear glasses today, for Christ's sake. And then the other thing, when I was growing up back there in Danville, Illinois, what I wanted to do, and I don't know about you guys, but all my life I wanted to fit in. I wanted it to be a part of something. I wanted It to be part of me. I wanted To be a Part of You Guys. I wanted I wanted Fit In With You as a crowd that got together in school, and they talked before school, and they went out and did things together, and they was always together and stuff. And, you know, I wanted Be a Part Of That, and I never felt a part Of That growing up. And looking back in sobriety, I was a big part of all that, because, you see, I won nine letters in high school and I had scholarship offers to go to college and play ball. So I was a part of it, but I didn't feel a partof it because, You see, when I got with you guys, I had secrets that I couldn't tell you. I couldn' t tell you that I was lying and cheating a thief because you wouldn' t like me. The other thing was, when I grew up, I grew during the era when John Wayne and Wild Bear Hickok and Lars LaRue and these macho guys were on the silver screen and I wanted to be macho. I wanted fit in with you guy because you guys looked cool, you guys look tough and I want to be Macho. I wanted to feel like a man for Christ. Look at me. I mean, I look like Mr. Peepers. That dude ain't macho. There's no way that Mr. Pepers is macho, so I felt like a wimp. And then I had the secret that I couldn't tell you guys that I played ball with. I'm afraid of the dark. I couldn' t tell nobody how afraid I was. I couldn''t tell you that I was afraid of dark because I was ashamed of that. And I had to push that fear and those feelings down inside me. I had just suck it up, and I had put a facade out there for you. I had a put an unreal me out there fo you. And that''s how I acted. And then when I got through with ball practice, I'd go down on Main Street. Now in Danville, Illinois, on Main street is where the real macho... You dudes from San Jose here would have fit down on main street, okay? These are the tough guys. I mean, these are the guys when I was growing up now, okay, I'm a little bit old. They had ducktail haircuts, DA haircuts long sideburns. These guys wore black leather jackets with the zippers and doodads on them when it meant something. These guys were engineer boots. They wore Levi's and they carried something you probably never heard of and that's called zip guns. and they carried switchblade knives and these were bad dudes. But you see, I wanted to fit in with those guys so bad and I went down there and these guys scared me. And when they scared me and they got too close to me I had no choice but to fight. And hell, I'm too light to fight and too thin to win so I had to come up with a technique of ambush. And so I did that and I'd pick up clubs and bricks and sticks and hit these guys with because they scared my face. They scared me so bad and when you're scared now I had you use violence to keep you away from me. And I didn't want you to know how I felt inside and I hit these boys and I ran home and then at home I think, God, I hit him with a brick and I shouldn't have. I felt bad. You know, when I've seen the tough guys on the silver screen and I've seeing you guys fight, you never look like you felt bad when you hurt somebody. And I felt mad and I couldn't tell you about it so I'd stuff those feelings down. Macho guys don't feel sorry for somebody they hit in the face and I just had to feel macho. And what happened, that's the feelings and emotions I grew up with. Everything I did I had a feeling about and I stuffed them because I didn't know how to react to them. I was too immature and I didn' t know that. And I hadn' t even had a drink yet. And what happened was I was at a party one night back there in Danville, and it was a hot summer night, and I was with my girlfriend. And I used to play doctor, for Christ's sakes. Her parents used to tell her, don't hang out with me, that I was a bad kid. Can you believe that? I'm just a nice guy raised in the Midwest. But this brought me up a 16-ounce tea glass full of slow gin and 7-Up. And I'd never drank slow gin or 7-up before together. And what happens is I took a drink of that, and it tastes like strawberry Kool-Aid. And I couldn't believe it. I love strawberry Kool-Aid. And so I chugged a load of that whole 16-ounce tea glass down and slowed Jen and Seven up. And you hear a lot of speakers stand up there, and they'll tell you that they drank that first drink and it went down inside their stomach and it moved around in there and they got all warm and fuzzy. And if their pimples fell off, if they got six feet four and gained 240 pounds, that crap didn't happen to me. I drank that glass of slow Jen and seven up and nothing happened. Not a damn thing happened. I didn't get a bottle of wine, put it in a paper bag, put on a trench coat and go hang out on Skid Row. That didn't happen to me. What I did was I handed her that glass back and I said, Go get me another one. And she did. And I was going to boss women around from then on until my wife found out and I ruined that. Now I don't boss anybody around except the guys I sponsor. I kind of boss them around. I tell them I give them direction. That's what I do. I forgot. Sponsorship popped this morning. Direction is what I give him. And I told her to get me a new one and they brought that back to me and I drank that one down and nothing happened. I didn't cross some invisible line. I didn' t get the shakes. I didn'' t grow hair on the palms of my hand. I didn '' t think, Hey, you' re going to speak in San Jose. You better remember the effects of this stuff. I didn'T remember that. I just drank the crap down and I drank about a gallon of it in about 20 minutes and nothing happend. Nothing happend and about 30 minutes after that last glass I found out where slow gin got its name. Hell, I got drunk and I don' t know how that happened and what happened was I went into a blackout and I didn´t remember it. It´s a black out for Christ's sake So, you know, if you say, hey, I never had blackouts, or at least any that I remember, you're not going to remember them. And what happened is I got taken home by my buddies that night and I passed out. And the next morning, I come to, and I don't know what kind of hangovers you had when you were 17, but I couldn't open my eyes because a light hurt my eyes. And every time Mom yelled at me, my body vibrated and it hurt. And I was throwing this red stuff up all over the bedroom. And as I walked down the hall trying to hold it, it was just oozing out. And I was vomiting this stuff up, and I couldn't remember what had happened the night before. And I missed three days of school with a hangover, and I was sicker than hell, and I couldn' t remember what happened. And I went to school, and I got with the guys, and they started telling me what happened, and you know, I like the recognition I got. But the other thing is, is I thought, how did they remember that? Because you see, what I thought was, is those guys that I was drinking with drank the same way I did. I thought that when they drank, they experienced what I did, I thought they couldn't even remember either. And I thought thats how everybody drank that night. and they told me that I was dancing and I was funny and they said this guy looked off and then I hit him and he went through the screen door and you know, I didn't remember any of that but I liked the recognition and I felt macho and I thought like a man and I couldn't remember that. And you know I didn' t know until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and found out from you folks what a blackout was and I don' t even know if you ever had a blackouts but I found out when I got there that a black out was when Frank Jones consumed amounts of alcohol I'd continue to function and do the things I'm doing and then the next morning I'd wake up or I'd come to and I wouldn' t remember where in the hell I've been. You ever have that happen? Or you can't remember where you parked your car? Or you could do one of these, you look over and there's something laying there and you don't know what in the heck this thing is and it's been marked and tagged by animal control. Now the women don't need to laugh because look at what you're sitting next to for Christ's sake. You know, you didn't have the winners with you and that was a blackout and I didn't know if that was an indication that I might have a problem drinking. I didn' t know if that were a problem that I may have a problem with alcohol I never filed out of way or nothing. I thought those guys had the same thing, and what I did was I kept getting in fights in school, and the bigger you get, the fights get worse, and I started hurting some guys, and I decided to get in a lot of trouble, and then I had scholarship offers, and I can't go to college, and I'm starting to drink beer with the guys on the football team, and then there I had secrets, and you guys knew what you wanted to be when you were going to grow up, and you knew what you were gonna major in and everything, and I didn't know, and I couldn't tell you I didn' t know what the word vocation meant because I was ashamed of that, and I could' n't tell so how can I go to collage when I don't know what vocation I'm going into. And so I did what macho tough guys do when they don't Know What They're Going to Be when they grow up and they're not going to go to college. And I turned down a scholarship and I quit high school and I joined the Marine Corps because that's macho. And, you know, I found myself on a train going up to Chicago and I'm sitting on that train next to my idol and this guy, God, I want to fit in with this guy. I don' t know if when you drank and you were out in public and stuff you wanted to fit into it but I looked at this guy and I thought, God, this guy is cool. I'm sittin' there like Mr. Peepers. I got on my cheaters and I got on my white turtleneck sweater and I get on my leather jacket and my little Chino pants with the buckle in the back and I'm cool. And I got a flat top and this dude's sitting there in a black leather jacket. He's got a greasy ducktail haircut, long sideburns, oily engineer boots, dirty Levi's and he's drinking stuff out of a little brown bottle. And I think, Jesus, look at this guy. He's something, ain't he? And this guy says, hey man, you want to hit off of this and what am I going to tell this guy I want to fit in with? No. I said, sure I do. And he gave me that bottle And I thought, you know, slow gin and 7-Up and beer. So I took it and drank it just like I did that. And I took three or four big mouthfuls and I swallowed it down. And I don't know how you drank whiskey when you was 17. But I can only tell you how I drank whiskey. When I took that last drink, it hit the bottom of my stomach and I threw that crap back up all over the seats in front of me. And I've got tears coming out of my eyes and I've Got snot running out of My nose and I Don't Look Macho. And I Feel Like a Wimp. And I feel like a wussy. But I want to fit in with this guy and I want him to like me. And so I wipe off my face and I hand him that bottle back and I said, boy, that was good. I just wanted to be liked. I just needed to be loved. I just wondered to fit in with somebody and I wanted to do a part of all my life. And he says, you want another drink? And I said no, not right now. Hell, I could hardly talk for Christ's sakes. And you know out of those drinking experiences that I had, I can tell you that from that day back then and the day I drank Slow Gin and 7-Up the only thing that made sense to me was I didn't drink 7-up anymore when I drank. I drank straight whiskey or beer because that stuff didn't make me crazy and make me do the things I did. And so he says, he went to more and I didn't drink anymore but I went to Chicago and I got sworn in and I flew out to California and I found myself at MCRD San Diego and I'm macho now. I'm a big macho dude. I'm out here with these older guys. They're all 19, 20 year old and I've got a funny round hat on. I'm on the bus with them and this guy gets on the bust down at MCrd San Diego and he's got a shaved head and he has a funny around hat on and I don't know how he picks me out of all those people on that bus but he snatches me up and he throws me off that bus and he calls me dirty names. you people here in AA don't even use. And I felt inadequate and I felt like a wimp and I was frightened and I couldn't tell anybody and so I pushed those feelings down inside me and I got to boot camp full of fear and full of homesickness and fullof anxiety and things that I couldn' t discuss with anybody and I didn' t have alcohol to take those things away and I go out of boot camp and I ended up at Camp Pendleton and in October of 62 I find myself on a ship going through the Panama Canal and I'm gonna get to go kill Cubans and I think that's dynamite and I' m macho and I like that And I'm afraid. And I can't tell the Marines I'm with how frightened I am. And I've seen John Wayne do that in the sands of Iwo Jima. And some of my buddies broke into a narcotics locker on that ship and they went up and they'd come down and they brought me a morphine syrette down. And they handed me that morphine Syrette and I took the plastic cap off and I stuck that needle in my leg and I squeezed that juice out and then I wasn't afraid anymore and I went up on the deck of the ship and I laid out there all night looking at the stars. And if you'd have walked up to me that night and said, Frank, you know why you're not afraid no more? It's that morphine you put in your system. I'd have told you crazy that morphin ain't got anything to do with this. I grew up all of a sudden. I matured. That's why. And I didn't know back then in 1962 what morphine or narcotic could do for me. I didn' t know that taking that narcotic, putting it into my system would take that fear away I was feeling, would take the anxiety away that I was felling, the terror that Ted talked about last night, that morphina and narcotic took that away and allowed me to put up the facade I thought you guys would accept so I could be a part of you. I didn't know that it did that. Now, the other thing I've got to tell you is I didn' t use any more dope. So you're not going to hear any dope stories tonight. I've gotta tell you this. I don't think it really takes any talent to be a dope fiend. I hate to break your heart. All you've got do is just take a syringe, fill it up with narcotic, stick that dude into your vein, squeeze it in, and you're gonna become addicted. I don' t know any social heroin users. What can I tell you? And if you're going to be an alcoholic, like you can't just drink one beer and come to AA. It just don't work that way. You've got to be able to do some things if you're going to be an alcoholic. You know, you've got the hang-in. You've go to bed and wet the bed. You've gotta be able to wet your pants. You've gonna be able to crap your pants You've gone to be able to go to jail on nut hockers. You gotta be able to sleep in the bushes and abuse your families and everything. And you gotta do it one day at a time for years. You just gotta work at this deal. The Ted just did it. So what happened was I knew I had to be in San Jose tonight So I didn't take any more drugs. I just drank. And what happened was I didn' t get to kill any Cubans, and I was disappointed. So I ended up in the far east in Okinawa, and the first night there the guy says, Let's go get drunk. And I said, Let' s go. You notice that I didn''t say, Let''s go out and have a beer or two, and then I'm going to go write letters to Mom and Dad. I was an alcoholic from the jump. I went out to get drunk with these guys, and what we did was we bought a Typhoon 5th of sake, and it held about 2 gallons. And that cost us 75 cents back then. And we were standing there in a little group, about 6 of us, and they started passing that bottle around. And that bottle got to me, and it looked like water. And I took four or five big mouthfuls of that Saki. And I don't know how you drank Saki when you were 17. I can only tell you how I drank Seki when I was 17. I took that last drink, and it only had one place to go. I threw that crap back up. And I had tears running down my eyes. That snot running down My nose, and I didn't look macho. I looked like a wimp, and that's what I tell you. If you're going to be an alcoholic, you've got to hang in. You can't let looking bad bother you. And I hung in with it. And I hung in with it, and I drank some more, and I threw that up, and I drunk some more and threw that out. And I just was looking bad, and these guys were poking each other and laughing at me, and I finally held enough of that stuff down. And something happened, and now I remember it. What happened was I drank somebody else's sake and it stayed down inside me, and I looked at those other five guys I was standing there with, and I realized something. I realized that those guys were all punks and I didn't need them. They were holding me back. And what alcohol did was tell me that I could go out and conquer the world on my own and that I was too cool to be with these guys. So I split. And I went out on my own and I spent my whole paycheck on wine, women, and song. And what happened was I started drinking some Akadama wine and some Suntory whiskey and shot some pool and a Marine from the other unit leapt off and I hit him with a pool cue in the face and I felt bad about that. And so I drank whiskey and it took that feeling bad away and then they got me a Nason. And then her and I went to her little hooch and I gave her some money and we did what we had to do and she went to clean up so I stole my money back and set her hooch on fire. Hell, I thought that was macho. and I went back to the base and I passed out and the next morning I come to and I just had a horrendous hangover and I started thinking about the things I'd done and I couldn't remember some of the guys come up and started telling me they told me about the marine I hit with the pool cue and I felt bad about that and the guilt just ate me up because I didn't want to do that to anybody and I didn' t remember doing it and then they told me about that naysan and then I took her money and I set her hutong fire and I d' n't even know if she got out of there and I thought guilt about that and I though shame and then i opened up my locker and there was a bottle with a big red dot on it. It's Akadama wine. And I found out a secret over there at the age of 17. And I find out when I took that bottle down and I took three or four big drinks off that wine in the morning, you know what happened? That guilt I felt about hitting that Marine, that went away. I didn't care. I could have cared less about it. And that Nason that I set a hooch on fire and stole my money back, I didn' t care about her no more. And I started bragging about it and you know the headache I had and the upset stomach, it went away and what happened to Frank Jones was he became a morning drinker and a daily drinker at the age of 17 over because there wasn't any drinking aids because, you see, alcohol worked for me. Alcohol took away the feelings that I couldn't deal with and allowed me to act the way I thought that you wanted me to act to be accepted and I went on a tear over. The Marine Corps frowns on my actions and what happened was the more I fought the more trouble I got into and then the more struggle I got in to the more i had to drink and if you'd have come up and told me that drinking was my problem I'd have told you crazy drinking ain't got anything to do with this it's the CO or those little rice propelled dudes over there they're over charging me for drinks and they're doing this and they were doing that and all I could do was point the finger at everybody. It was never Frank Jones it was a problem. It was always you and it was always them and it wasn't and it's always a situation and I blamed everybody. I never looked at me as being the problem until I got to AA. I could always point the finger that it was other things. It was the wife or it was the kids or if they didn't act that way or they didn' t do that to me and finally I run out of money over one day and I needed money to drink on now so me and my buddy decided to rob a cab driver and we hailed the cab down and we jerked him out and held his pavement. And I picked up the rock the size of a softball, and I beat his face in with it that day. And what happened was the Marine Corps really frowns on that. That was during Kennedy's People to People program. And what happen was I had a general court-martial. And my father flew to Okinawa, and he paid for that man's reconstructive surgery. And he paid for his medical bills and his retirement. And if you'd have told me that drinking played a part in that, I would have told you you're crazy. The only reason we were doing that is because those guys overcharged us. They put the meter on too soon. And, you know, I had rationalizations and justifications for why I was in the trouble I was in. And it wasn't me. And what happened was, I got sentenced to two years confinement in the federal penitentiary and back to duty. Now, if you spend more than six months locked up, you can't do that. So what happened is, they started processing my paperwork to get me out of the slammer. By the time they did it, I had spent a year locked up. And what happens was, now I'm at Camp Pendleton and I met a woman and I married her. And when I got married, she started running her mouth. And when she ran her mouth, I've got to react to those things. And I've gotta become abusive. and I've got to become angry and I got to become hostile and then I got to leave the house and then I feel guilty about leaving that dizzy broad at home and then I got to drink whiskey to take the gild away and then somebody will say something to me in the bar and I gotta hit him with an ashtray and then I feel bad about that so I got to drink some more to take these feelings away and then I got to meet a woman and I go home with her because I need somebody to tell me I'm okay because you see I don't feel okay because I feel like trash inside because of what I did to her and how I treated her. And then this woman's telling me I'm okay, and she's telling me that it'll be all right, and I'm a good guy. And her and I do what we have to do. And then I think, God, that wife at home didn't deserve this. She didn't do anything to cause this. Then I got to drink whiskey to take those feelings away. And when they go away and I start again and I go home and I am trying to tell her she is on me again and I got leave. You know, I didn't know until I got the AA. And I talked to you people and you showed me that my wife was an individual and she was a human being. And that I had no right to tell her what to do or how to do it, or what to wear, or what to say and things. And I learned that from some old-timers here, and they taught me that, that it wasn't my place to direct and manage her life. And, you know, I didn't know that back then, and I didn' t know that I was too immature to be a husband, that I didn''t have it together enough to be an husband, and that I wasn' t responsible enough. You know, then we had a daughter, and, you know, kids cry, and kids make messes. Now, I don' t like people that cry and make messES. I don'' t care how big they are. I wouldn' t want Dan to try and make a mess, for Christ's sakes. You know, Jesus, give me a break. And you know, that kid would do that and I'd have to yell and scream at that baby. And then I thought, damn, why do I do that? And the guilt would eat me up and the anxiety and the shame and then I'd go drink and I started that cycle again. And damn, I just couldn't stop and I didn't know what in the hell the problem was. You know it was them at home if they wouldn't talk to me that way and she'd keep that house picked up and if she wouldn't say those things and she didn't wear those damn clothes I wouldn't have had to react that way. And I didn' t know that I had a problem. I didn''t know that i was a problem until I got here. And what happened was I got called into the CO's office, and they told me how macho I was. And what they did was they issued me a rifle with a telescope on it, and they issued мне some live ammunition and sent me across the ocean to a little place called Vietnam. Now, I've got to tell you before I get started on this, Vietnam ain't my problem. It's never been my problem I am my problem And when I put alcohol into my body, I become the problem People, places, and things do not have an effect on Frank Jones And I didn't know that until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous So you're not going to hear me point the finger at that country All that is is a two-year part of my story that I'm not very proud of, and I did a lot of bad things. And what happened was when I got over there, you see, I was going to be a sniper, you see. I wasn't going to get in the rear with the gear. When I got there and we got off that plane and we were going to take a chopper up north to Dong Han and Khe Sanh and the DMZ, I'm looking at these Marines and I'm terrified. I am frightened because I know what the hell's going on over there and I can't tell these Marines I'm going into combat with how frightened I am. How do you turn to somebody and say, Jesus Christ, I'm scared, man. I'm an alcoholic and I can't let that happen. I've got to be something. And I've gotta impress these guys and I was too terrified to even move and I couldn't tell anybody. And I got up to Khe Sanh and I found out a secret over there, just like I did in Okinawa. I found that if I put 151 proof rum in my canteen and I drank that, I became bulletproof and invisible. And it worked for me. And what I could do is all the things I thought I had to do to impress you and to show you I wasn't afraid because I didn't want you to know about my fear. I didn't want you to know how I felt inside. I didn'T want you TO KNOW THAT WHEN I WENT OUT AND I DID ALL THE KILLING AND THE BURNING AND I CAME BACK INTO HARBOR SITE WITH RECON, THAT I WAS GOING CRAZY. I COULDN'T LET YOU SEE THAT. AND THEN I DRANK TO TAKE THAT PAIN AWAY BECAUSE I WASN'T RAISED TO DO THOSE THINGS. I HAD TO DO IT AND THAN I HATED TO DRINK THE COKE WITH IT BECAUS I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK I WAS A WIMP. ALL MY LIFE I'VE WANTED TO BE SOMETHING THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN. AND WHAT HAPPENED WAS THAT DURING MARCH OF 1968, I ENDED UP GETTING BLOWN UP DURing the siege at Khe Sanh. And I ended up coming home and while I was over there, my wife and I had had a son born to us while I Was on Hill 881. And these kids are crying and she's chipping her teeth at me and I don't want to hear her crap. And, uh, I'm drinking and I tell her to shut up or I'm going to kill her and she don't believe me. And now I got these kids crying and my daughter's two and a half and my son's about nine months old and I'm crazy and she is yelling at me. And I'm telling her what she is and she doesn't shut up and I go in the closet and I get a gun out. And I walked back into the kitchen and I got to tell you that there was a God in the house that day. You see, and I didn't believe in God because if there was a God, I was screwed and I knew that. You See, because I broke off kind of the commandments where I had just come from. And I knew if there were a God I was done for. And I wanted to see a Polaroid picture of this dude. And what happened was as I walked out of the kitchen, I had a bedroom with a gun and I had little girl standing on this leg crying telling me don't shoot her mama. And I had woman running her mouth at me and I was drinking whiskey out of a bottle and that safety wouldn't come off that gun. And I jacked around with it and a spring came out the back and I pushed that spring in and the gun went off. And that bullet went into my hand and come out the other side and went down between my legs where those kids were standing. And the bullet didn't hit either one of them. And you see, I'm a blessed man for that to go. Those kids are lucky, you see because I was in a drunken rage and I could have killed them because when I drink I have no regard for your life or anybody else's. You see,I don't care about that. And I was just nuts and I can tell you standing here sober today nine and a half years that if that gun had not malfunctioned and fallen apart, I'd have shot and killed that woman that day. There's no doubt in my mind. I was drunk and I was crazy and she wouldn't shut up and I could rationalize and justify why I was doing what I was going and it made sense in here because you see this is where my problem is located. This registers what I should do and shouldn't do until I got a sponsor and what this tells me is all wrong and what happened was shortly after that she divorced me. Can you believe that? I fired one shot in the damn house. I had a whole clip I could have shot that place up and she split with the kids and made a state policeman from Indiana can you believe that gee, that just made me crazy I drank over that for a while what happened was I continued to drink and fight and I became a drill instructor and I went down on the drill field and I had to lie, cheat and steal down there I wasn't making enough money to subsidize my drinking and I was starting to urinate a little blood now and vomit some blood I was getting sick and I wore suicidal and I couldn't kill myself and I was drinking in the bars and crazy and I had to steal from the recruits to subsidize that drinking and what happened was after two and a half years I was suicidal and I didn't have the guts to kill myself and I'm a little bit I was full of shame and self-loathing and since the only way I could kill myself was I volunteered and went back to Vietnam for a second tour and this time it became worse and you know I got to tell you some things but the only reason I bring up Vietnam is a lot of times I speak down south around San Diego and Oceanside and Carlsbad and there's a lot of military down there and you guys come up to me after the meeting and stuff, and I say, you know, I just can't stay sober. I'm having a hard time with this stuff, man. You know, I went over and I did this and that and all this other crap and I just can't stay sober. I just I can't get this sobriety thing, you know. And I've got to stand there after the meeting and I've gotta tell them it's just my opinion, you see. There's this thing called The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsors made me read this once a year every year since I got sober. And in this Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous what this book says in here is that if I start going to meetings of Alcoholice Anonymous And if I start working these 12 steps, and I start using them as a set of tools to rebuild my life, and i start believing in a power greater than myself, and I start taking actions in meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous, then I can stay sober no matter what. That if I work these 12 Steps in all areas of my life I can do that. That tells me that I can be happy, joyous, and free. That's what that book tells me. And I've got to stand there and tell those guys that there is no place in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. There is noplace in that book that tells you that if you have done a lot of bad things a lot of people, a lot of times, over and over again, men, women, and children that you can't stay sober. It doesn't say that in there. It says that we can stay sober no matter what. And I've got to stand there and tell them that if they're not staying sober it's because I think they're using that crap as a cop-out and they don't want to stay sober. And sometimes that makes those guys crazy and that's just the way that goes. But it's worked for me for nine and a half years and nobody's done anything any worse or any better than I have. I'm an alcoholic and I had to do what I had to get here. And I can't change the past for Christ's back and undo any of it. I would. I'd undo a lot of it, just like you would. But I can't do it, you see, because all I've got is right now. I've Got Right Now, and if I put enough right nows together, I'm going to have it tomorrow. But if I don't do it right now, I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm never going to do anything. And I damn sure can't go back into my past. You see, that last tour in Vietnam, I was drinking heavy and some things had happened. We were going to go across this river and do some things. And I had a radio man that was 18 years old, and he couldn't swim. And he came up to me and he says, you're drunk, man. And He said, I ain't going with you. because he says, I can't swim. And he says you're crazy and when you're drinking you can't handle it. And I pointed my shotgun at him and told him get in the boat or I'll kill you myself. And he got in theboat and we went across that river and we did what we had to do and coming back I was in the blackout and in that blackout something happened and that boat tipped over and we were in the water and when I come to out of my blackout I had a hold of this man and what I did was I put my feet in his chest and I kicked off of him and I swam ashore and when I looked back, he didn't come back to the surface. And I knew right then that I was responsible for that man dying. I knew I was responsable for him dying. And one of my squad leaders brought me a bottle of whiskey and by the time I drank half that whiskey, my head told me that that's just the perils of war and that's his misfortune. And you see, I don't want to ever forget that alcohol does that to me. I don'T want to EVER forget how I get and how I think when I drink alcohol. I have no regard for your life or my life, and I don't want to forget that. So no one's done anything any worse or any better than I have. I am a drunk that's trying to stay anonymous because I can't do it alone. And what I learned in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is if I come in here to you and I work these 12 steps, that I can sleep without waking up having bad dreams. And I can wake up dry. I don'T have to wake up all wet. And, you know, I've done that for a lot of years, you see, because AlcoholicsAnonymous works. It just works. I don't know. It's just one of these things that Jeff talks about. It just works. And I just do certain things. So, that's why I bring up Vietnam. I drank myself out of a Marine Corps after 11 years because they wanted me to come back after lunch and I couldn't do that. And I got married again. And I was abusing that wife. And then we had a daughter and I was abusin' her. Not physically, just verbally. And I've gotten very angry and a yeller and a screamer and a fist through the wall and break-the-window type guy. And I drank myself out of the Marine Corps and if you're tough and macho the way I am, there's only one thing you can do. After I got out of the Marine Corps, after 11 years, I strapped on a gun and a badge and became a cop. One of Ted's favorite people. And if I'd have met him on the street, I'd just beat his ass. I just want to tell you that from the joke. I told Clara last night when he was going off on the cops, I said, I swear to God, I'd thumped him. I'd jerked him right out the wing-wing. I wouldn't open the door and let old Ted fall out, okay? and I'd have taken him to a ski pole and he'd have been a popsicle. I love Ted. And I do. Ted's a fantastic example of Alcoholics Anonymous. You can't be that goddamn crazy and get where he's been without working a program. I want you to know that. That's a good man right there and I've learned a lot from him and he's a great example of alcoholics anonymous and we have a lot of fun and I'm very pleased to get to know him a lot better and Jim today and yesterday. It's been fun. But I became a police officer and I took out on the street with me fear. And I took us out on a street with me afraid of the dark. And I take out on the streets with me anxiety. And I look out on the straight with me guilt. And I check out on the stream with me alcoholism and I had to abuse everybody because I've got to validate my manhood. I've gotta be there because if you get close to me I'm scared when I'm fighting I gotta fight you and I have to fight the people on the screen. And I did that and I'm not proud of that and I am not proud of how I treated people but you see I had to drink before I went on duty because I can't tell my partner I'm afraid of the dark. I can's tell my pardner I'm afriad to go down that alley. You see that ain't macho and that's how I was and you know I'm married now and my wife's pregnant and then I gotta you know I've always got to validate myself with another woman and I've got to have something and I had I had started having an affair with my partner for Christ sakes now don't get all excited my partner's a female I'm not from Hollywood or San Francisco and my partner was a female and she found out I got my wife pregnant and my father ended my police career because she shot me. And that's not funny. That's a sad part of my story, John. You're sick. Who's ever John's sponsor? Get down here and counsel him. But what happened? She put a part in my hair and it almost blew my damn head off. I look at all the platinum blondes when I come into AA meetings. There's one sitting back there and there's another one over here. I look for you, and there's one here that's the same color hair, because I may be standing at the podium one day and that broad will stand up and blow me away from the podium with a gun and I don't want that to happen. But she shot me because I got my wife pregnant. You women have never given me a break, okay? And all I've ever wanted to do is love you. That's all. So I entered into my police career and what happened was I didn't learn any self-respecting drunk ado. I got a real estate license. And I started selling real estate. And I've got to tell you that if you think money, property, and prestige will fix it for you, if you had a brand new Cadillac in that driveway that you'd be all right, you wouldn't have all this anxiety and the bill collectors after you and stuff. I had two Cadillacs in the driveway, two brand new ones, one for me and one for my wife. We had a house on a quarter acre. I had a three-hole putting green in the backyard, a swimming pool in the back corner, little tiki torches and palm trees around it and stuff, and my kids were wearing designer clothes. And I wore enough gold chains and diamond rings. out of Mr. T's starter kit, and he wasn't even popular yet. I've got to tell you, I used to wear these leisure suits, and some of you older guys know about these. They probably had their leisure suits and they used to wore these silk shirts with the long collars and they'd have it open. And I ain't got no hair on my chest and the girls used to comment and I used tell them, grass don't grow on a busy street, baby. Just the ego, I love it. And here I am, 42-inch waist in yellow telling her how cute I am. That was slick. And I've got to tell you that money, property, and prestige didn't fix that stuff. I was making six figures a year and I was crazy. And I'd nail the windows shut in the house and I'd abuse the family and I would urinate in crap and blood. And I was sicker than hell and I didn't know what my problem was. And at the age of 36 years old, I stood there and I looked around and everything I'd worked all my life, all my wife, I just wanted to be like my dad. My dad's a good and decent man and just a fine example of what a human should be and he always provided. That's who I wanted to feel like. That's what I wanted me to be. I wanted him to be my father. and I didn't know where in the hell I went wrong or how and I had these kids and this wife and it was crazy and I looked around at the age of 36 and that house on a quarter acre was gone and that two Cadillacs and the jewelry and the kids and the wife had moved up here to San Jose to a trailer with her parents and everything I owned was in a cardboard box in the back seat of a stolen car and if you'd have come up to me and told me my problem was drinking I'd have told you you're crazy drinking doesn't have anything to do with that if I could just get it together a little bit if I can get one of you lovelies to take care of me If you'd just loan me some money, maybe take a second out on your house. Help me? She's the treasurer of the meeting. I've got my eyes on her already. And what happened was, if you had told me drinking was my problem, I would have said you're crazy. And what happens is a woman did take care of me. I ended up drinking in her closet and I ended UP vomiting blood all over her bedroom. And I ended Up getting a physical and I went to the doctor and when he got through he called me in his office and he said, Mr. Jones, I've Got to tell you, you're 36 years old. And he says, you're an alcoholic. And he says, you're dying. And he said, you've got a hole in your throat and dry heaves and cirrhosis of the liver and hepatitis and lung and stomach infection. All the crap that goes along with being a chronic drunk. If you're a drunk the way I'm a drunk. And he thought if you don't quit drinking you're going to die within three or four months. And I walked out of his office and I said, thank you doctor. You know what I felt when he told me that? I felt relief. I told him thanks. I appreciate it. Because you see, I was tired. I had taken this stuff as far as I could take it and alcohol wasn't my problem. And when he said alcoholic, I just thought fine, I'm dying and I know why now. And I walked out to my stolen car and I picked the beer up off the floorboard and I drove to a liquor store and I bought a case of beer and a fifth of whiskey and I started drinking as hard and as fast as I could. And I went back to this woman's house and I got in her closet and I was powering this stuff down and I couldn't get drunk and my head was still there and all the things I'd done to my parents when I was a kid and the stealing, nickel and dime stuff and I wasn't going to school and I didn't know enough and Vietnam and when I'm a cop and I'm going crazy and the drinking wouldn't stop it and I went suicidal and I took a gun out and I killed that woman and her three kids and I cocked that gun and I put it in my mouth and I couldn't pull the trigger. And I didn't know what in the hell my problem was. And I've got to tell you how God works in my life when I didn'T believe in God. You see, my father and mother vacationed in Florida in a different spot every year because they're old and they're retired and I hadn't seen my parents or any of my family in four years. Last time I seen my brother I threatened to kill him and burn his house down. And I showed up with an attack dog can of gas and a gun. And he gave me some money and I left. And I hadn'T seen them or heard from them in four yearS. And they live in Indiana but they were in Florida and they were vacationing and I picked the phone up and I dialed the telephone number and my dad answered. And I told him I was an alcoholic and I was dying. And to make a long story short, I ended up in a hospital. And I just knew that I felt sick and I hurt all over and I went in there and what they did is they lashed me down to bed and started pumping me full of vitamin B and magnesium and they told me I was physically addicted to alcohol to where heroin addicts to heroin. And they called my wife in California and the doctor did and said we think you better fly back to Indiana because we don't think your husband will live through the DTs. And you know what my wife said? You're not going to believe this. She said, let the son of a bitch die. I mean, that's not funny. This is the other sad part of my story. It ain't funny because I didn't die. Jim's not doing this with mirrors for Christ's sake. I'm here. I didn'T die. I tricked her. I can tell you something else. This year we'll be married 19 years. And that's NOT me. That ain't me. That's you folks. That's YOU folks. You showed me how to be a husband. You showed me how to be a father. So we're going to be married 19 years, Alcoholics Anonymous is that. I can't take any of that credit. I'm a rotten husband. I'm not a rotten father until I got with you. But I didn't die and they unstrapped me from the bed and they put me in this other part and I was there for a couple of months and they cleared up my physical ailments and everything and then I had to go to AA meetings and in those meetings they made me go to I sit in there and I listened and I tried to think and I couldn't track and I had a speech impediment and I walked with a limp but what I kept hearing was go to 90 meetings in 90 days. You have to go to AA if you want a drink. Go to AA if you wanna take a drink of alcohol. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days and I heard that over and over and I thought, I heard it over and over and over. And I thought 90 meetings, 90 days, if I want a drink, go to AA. I didn't want to take a drink. I haven't had a desire to take a drink. And I listened to that over and over again and at the end of a couple more months, I ended up getting out of this other hospital and I walked out into the sun and they made me go to two meetings of AA in there a day or they had thrown me out. And so I'd been to my 90 meetings and I didn't want to take a drink, but I stood at the Indiana Sun and I started crying and I did not know why I was crying and out down the sidewalk come all those little dirty things I had done all my life and started choking me out and all the things I had been doing in Vietnam to those people started choking be out and then the wives and the two wives and four kids and the abuse came down and choked me out and then little nickel and dime shameful things that I did that I was ashamed of And I didn't want to take a drink. I wanted to commit suicide. Now, where does somebody go that wants to commit suicide? You didn't tell me that. You said, go to AA if you want a drink, but I don't know what kind of drunks you folks are. I don' t know if you're intense like I was. AA's calmed me down, for Christ's sake. Hell, I got the 12 steps. I'm serene now. You should have seen me nine and a half years ago. I was wired for sound. But I've got to tell you that if you are intense the way I am, and you quit drinking, and your life starts to go to hell, what happened to me might happen to you. I didn't go to AA for 13 months. I got my wife and kids back. We moved into a garage and slept on the floor. We ate out of a styrofoam chest. I was still driving a stolen car. I was till abusing and yelling and screaming at that family. I was til lying, cheating and stealing and invalidating myself with other women. And I didn' t know why I was going crazy. I wasn' t drinking. And at 13 months I sit there again with that gun wanting to blow my brains out and I didn''t know what my problem was now. I hadn' t had a drink in 13 reading the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he suggested to me that I read the black part and not the white. He told me that I had to start believing in a higher power. And he told me that somebody hangs that moon out at night and they take it down in the morning. And he said, It's not you. And he says, That's all you have to know that there is a God and you're not Him. And he sad that I have to get down on my knees when I pray. He said, God won't hear you if you're now on your knees. Now this is the only disease in the world that we can go out and show our ass and sleep in bushes and let our pants go to jail and everything else. But if I'm going to get on my knee don't do it in front of anybody that will see me for Christ's sakes. I don't want anybody to know I'm trying to help myself or get divine intervention. And what he told me I had to do was go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and that I had to start sticking my hand out and I had to start shaking hands. And he told me I had to start changing how I was talking because he says if you talk angry you're going to be angry. He told me to quit using four letter words. He said that's a sign of a mental cripple. He said I don' t want you to ever stand at the podium of Alcoholic Anonymous and talk like that. And he says what you have to do is you have to start being an example. And he says, you have to quit being angry. He said, where are you from? I said, Illinois. When I got here, I was wearing a Western shirt, a big buckle, cowboy boots and Levi's. I thought I was a cowboy. My sponsor advised me that I'm from Illinois and I'm no cowboy. And what I had to do was start acting like Frank Jones from Danville, Illinois. And so that's what I've had to start doing. What I've done in Alcoholics Anonymous is I've learned who I am. And what I'd have to do too besides learning who I am, I have to be satisfied with who I Am. And you know, as I work this program, I'm not always satisfied with whoI Am. You know, I don't like to be a wimp. I don' t like to b e a wussy. I don''t like to be uncool. I don ''t like to be old for Christ's sake and I ha' n't found a way to stop that process. I want to be an old timer and I want to get a lot of time in the air but I don'T want to age doing it. I haVn't found out how to do that. We may hear that tomorrow from Jim. He ha'n't aged a day since last time I played. And what happens is what I had to do is I had learned a lot of things. And I came to the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and I sat in the front row like that man told me that day. And when I came into AlcoholicsAnonymous, what you folks did is what you did when I walked into here the first time on Friday. When I walked in to my first meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous, you stuck your hand out and said, hey, you're welcome here. Come on in and sit down. Have a cup of coffee. You don't have to hurt yourself anymore. Nobody walked up to me and said how much money you got in the bank. What kind of car are you driving? What did you do when you was in Vietnam? What did You do when You was a cop? You didn't ask me any of those questions. You just accepted me unconditionally for who and what I was. I was an alcoholic that was seeking help. And You stuck Your hand out to me, and You started loving me. And what You started doing was showing me how to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what you did was, You told me about the 12 steps. The 12 steps that you heard last night from Ted. You told Me about the first three that I worked by showing up and by getting a sponsor and by giving a commitment and being at the meetings. And you told me about writing a four-step and putting all my trash down that's in the past. And you said, You told me that I had to live in the now and you told Me I had to read that to somebody and I did that. And I didn't feel any great wave of relief when I got through with my fifth step. What I did was let somebody in on my secrets and I didnít really like that because I figured if you ever turned on me I could go to jail. And what I had do is I had start looking at my character defects and my shortcomings. And I had pray about those things to some God I didnít believe in. And what had do is I had make that list of amends and I had started doing those things. And I had to start paying back fools that I didn't like. I had a start paying back fools and I felt owed me. But you know what? Every time I took a step in Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt better. And that tells me something. That I get back in direct proportion exactly what I put into the 12 steps of AlcoholicsAnonymous into harmonious living on the outside. And if I don't put anything into those 12 steps, I'm not going to get a damn thing back. And this is just how it works for guys like me. I've got to give it 100% because I give drinking 100%. You see, you can't give it 110%. There's no such thing. I hate to tell folks that. There's only 100%, folks. That's all. 100% of something is all of it. And there ain't no more than all of It. You can only do all of I. And so I just give it 100% most of the time. What happened was when I came into the meetings, I didn't know how to treat my wife. I had filed for divorce. I was angry, hostile, and crazy. And we were living in that garage and eating out of that styrofoam chest. And what I did was, more than what you guys told me, I watched how you treated your wives. You see, I didn't know how to treat a wife when I got here. I didn'T know how TO BE A HUSBAND. And what I did was, I watched you hold hands with your wife. And I watched YOU be gentle with them. And I watch YOU put your arms around them. And I washed how you treated them here in the meeting. You see I don't go home with you, so I don'T care how you are at home. I only see you here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And what you told me was, is when you go home tonight, try to treat your wife this way. And I said, I don' t love her, I don''t know her, and I'm not going to do it. My sponsor said, Yeah, you are. And what she did was... You sick guys on me about Dan's size. And you sick guys on me abut Jim's size and what you did was you showed me how to treat my wife and you told me to go home and tell her I loved her and I did that. And I didn't mean it when I told her. Because when I sobered up, I didn' t know her. You told me ask how her day was. And when I asked her how her days was to stand there and listen. And I heard that from a man in this room tonight. Only when I ask her how our day was, I used to stand here and wiggle my toes in my shoes and think about me. I tricked her. I wasn't interested. But you know what happened by taking those actions long enough because what you told me to do was if you take the actions, your thinking will change. And that's what my sponsor told me. So I started doing the action. And you know, I started asking that woman how her day was and you know after a period of time, I got home and I said, hey babe, how's your day? And she started to tell me and the damnedest thing happened. I started to care how our day was. And I became interested in that woman. And you don't know what I did as a damnedest thang. I fell in love with her all over again. I can't believe it. And she became my friend. And each year I've been sober, we've become closer. And you see, I learned something else here in Alcoholics Anonymous. You see, we can't have a home and a loving family without God A. and Al-Anon in our home. And you know, we got that today. You see my wife goes to meetings of Al-A-Anons. And she practices her program and all her affairs at home where it's important. Because you see we can practice these principles and steps in the meetings. It's easy. It's easier to love you. It's easily to come in here and be wonderful. And do all this hugging and munching and stuff. But it's hard to go home and do it. That's where the heat is. It's hardto go to the job and doit. It's hard to do it out there on those freeways. And that's where I had to learn to do it, but you showed me how. But I got God A in Al-Anon. She goes to those meetings. Now, I've got a little more time on my hands than she does, so I kind of help her with her program. I think that's kind of neat. I'm a giver. I'ma give her. But we got God E in Al Anon and we got a good home. And then, you know, I started loving her and we're going to be married 19 years because you showed us how to treat her and I did that. You see, I don't care what you tell me. I don' t listen to a lot of it. I listen to how you act and I watch how you acts and then I go do it that way because I want what you got by your example. Then I got kids at home and when I got here my kids were ducking when I walked by and they didn't like me and we moved out of that garage into a real home because I had to get a job and become self-supporting and I watched you with your children at the meetings I watched your hold them like this gentleman is doing down here with his little boy and I watch you hug your kids and I wash your kids look at you and stay close to you and how do you do that? And he said you just reach down and touch them and tell them you love them they don't know that you don't And you told me to go home and tell my kids that I love them. And I started to try to do that. You see, my teenage daughter, when I got here, besides my two kids that didn't live with me, I had a daughter that was three and a daughter that was eight. And when I came home, when I arrived here, my eight-year-old said, Dad, I love you. And I just looked down and I couldn't answer. Because I hated myself so damn much that I didn't know how that little girl could possibly love me. And I didn' t know how to love her. And I couldn' t answer. And you just told me that you would go home and touch her and say, I Love you. And you know, I started going home and I started touching those kids and telling them I loved them. And I didn't mean it when I told them. I didn' t mean it. I didn''t want to be around kids because I didn ''t know how to be a father. And they scared me. When I got sober, little kids scared me and you told me just go and treat them gentle. You told me don''t talk angry at home. You told my to put the soft pedal on at home You told m to treat them like little people. You told mi to treat em like little newcomers. And the way you folks treated me and you know I started doing that and I started telling those kids I loved them and you want to know what happened? I started to love them. I started to care about how they felt and what was going on in their life. And then, my daughters, they've just grown up and I've just got a good life with those two little kids now. One of them, she's graduating from high school this year, next month. And you know, when she made cheerleader last year, you know she'd come home and she told me and I cried like a big wussy. I've become the only thing I've never wanted to be in AA. I've became a wimp for Christ's sake. And she told me she made cheerleader and I tried and I hugged her and stuff. And then she'd come home this year and she made captains as cheerleaders. And damn, I cried again and hugged her. You know that little girl that was three? I've got to tell you something. When I got sober, she was running and ducking from me. And she was full of fear and she stayed by herself and played and she was very withdrawn and she didn't like school or nothing. And I kept doing what you guys told me to do and treating them the way you told me and what my sponsor said to do. She used to draw pictures of my sponsor in school. And she told me who that was and I said good. And she loved him, but she never talked to me. It took me three years sober and one day I was getting ready to go to a meeting and that little tyke was getting ready for bed. She ran by my chair and she looked at me and she stopped and she crawled up in my lap. She put her arms around me and she said, I love you. You can't get that in a bottle. You just can't do it. And that's the first time she'd ever told me and she was six years old. My daughter was six before she ever said she loved me. And you know, you folks have done that and that's overpaid right there. And that little girl, you know what she did last year? She took golf lessons so she could be with me. And me and her go out and make people crazy behind us. She hits that damn ball around and she hits it all over that course, but you know what? Her and I is together and that's what counts because she wouldn't be around me six years ago than she is today and that is a tribute to you people. You see, that's Alcoholics Anonymous working in my home because I try to take the program home with me. You see what I've always wanted to be all my life is macho. What I've also wanted to be all my wife is to be a tough guy. I've wanted this. Damn, I've got to be tough. I've gotta stick it out and I've got to be something to impress you. And you know, when I come to AA, you know what you told me and what you taught me? You taught me what macho is. You guys sitting right here have taught me what machо is. Macho is driving a car with a driver's license. Ain't that a hell of a note? I didn't know that. Macho is driving a car with car insurance. I didn' t know that Macho is having it registered to you. Being macho is having a job that pays you a paycheck and they take taxes out of it. Being macho is not having to validate yourself with another woman when you're married. And I haven't had to do that since I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous. A lot of lovely ladies in this convention. And my sponsor tells me I can think anything I want. I just can't act on it. And I think about all of you. But I'm not going to act on them. You see, I love my wife today. My wife's enough. And I'm enough for her. Macho is being responsible and being at the meetings early and talking to newcomers. Machos being an example in Alcoholics Anonymous. Machos staying after the meeting so you ain't so busy to help the newcomers that have problems. Machos showing up and doing what's asked of them. Machos getting registered to vote. Machos get down on your knees with your wife and praying for you to go to bed at night if you're married. See, I didn't know all those things until I got here with you and you taught me these things. Machos forgetting about the past and living in the now. That's macho. Machos hugging your daughter and allowing her to see your emotion. Macho is being able to laugh and being ableto cry. Macho's being able to be honest. And you know, I'm not macho all the time. You know, I'm still a liar and a cheat and a thief. I can resort back in a minute and I try not to. And when I lie, I trynot to do it as consciously as I always did and Itry to make amends as soon as it happens. And I've got to tell you that Alcoholics Anonymous isn't just a joyride where we skip through and we do the conventions and we laugh and things because outside this room life is going on and life goes on for me and all of you because bad things happen. Last month, that father that flew to Okinawa, last April I had to fly back and see him and he had Alzheimer's and a blood clot on the brain. And last month I flew back and I had the burial. Tough. Tough to do. I love my dad. He was a decent man. And you know what you guys told me to do? I didn't want to go back because I didn' t want to cry in front of my parents and everybody back there because I still got this ego. You know what you told me to do, stood up, show up, look alert and support your mom. We don't care how you feel. And you knew what I did? Just what you told me to do. I got two brothers, sober and alcoholics anonymous. They were macho. They laughed and made jokes and stuff. I cried and held my mom. That's what macho guys do. I found out from you tough guys. And so I did that. And it worked. My mom appreciated it. I lost a business in sobriety. A lot of money. We lost everything. I didn't file bankruptcy because that ain't what we do. And you told be not to. So I didn' t. And my daughter graduated from Purdue and she got accepted to Notre Dame Law School, my oldest one. And that's good. And she called me two weeks ago and said I'm going to be a grandpa. And that is kind of decent. I've never had a grandkid. And I'm gonna have one and I'm proud. And the other thing is I just go through life and I got a son that's in prison and I had to throw him out when he was 15 and you told me just do it and be an example and when he gets out of prison be here for him when he get's there. He's been there five years and he's gonna be there some more. He's an alcoholic. but I can't change that. You know what? I found out I ain't God. The things I've said to you today don't mean anything to any of you. What they do is they mean something to me. What they tell me is they tell what I used to be like. They tell me how very fortunate I am to be in Alcoholics Anonymous and to be alive and healthy. And also, what I've just said tells me what a good life I have today as a result of this wonderful program, these 12 steps, and my God, that I reinstated here in Alcoholic Anonymous with me through your help. So those things don't means nothing to you, but they mean someone to me And it's very important to me. I'm glad to be here with all of you. But what you need to remember today, and if you're new or used, you probably didn't even pay any attention to it. But the only thing you need to remember, and you don't even need to think about it, but I try to keep it right in front of me, and that's that first line of chapter 5 that Bob read today, and it says it all for me, baby. It says it All for Me. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Thanks for having me. Thank you for watching.