Prescribed Tedral at Seven — They Put a Wheezing Kid on Amphetamines and Called It Medicine – Matt J.

Mark J. from Los Angeles. Thank you. My name is Matt Johnson and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm happy to be here. I'd like to thank Bruce for asking me on the steering committee. It's a real honor to participate. I, uh... How's that? Any better? Any better? No, huh? How's that? Ah... Okay, I come from a normal family. Both of my parents are alcoholics and, uh... My sister married interracially and, uh... I was a normal child. I was an asthmatic and I was accident prone. And, uh... I was a real guilty child, you know. I... Anything... I used to like to steal everything and, uh... But I would feel guilty. I would feel guilty. I would feel guilty even if I didn't steal it. You know, I mean, I would just feel bad for, uh... Stealing it. And I just... A lot of times I just turned myself in. Just to get punished, I guess. I don't... You know. But, uh... I couldn't walk down the street that I wouldn't get bit by a dog or hit by a car or stepping glass or, you know... Any of that stuff. I was a real regular for, uh... At the emergency ward for stitches. And, uh... I, uh... It was fun around the house being an asthmatic. Uh... I wheezed a lot and I have hay fever too real bad. And, uh... My nose always ran. And, uh... I could go through a box of Kleenexes in one day. And, uh... But I was on adrenaline. Uh... I was... I got shots of adrenaline. Is that coming from... Am I? I was getting shots of adrenaline until I was seven years old. Until I was old enough to swallow a pill. And, uh... I started getting this thing called Tadrol. Which was, uh... Which is an amphetamine. And, uh... It used to drive me crazy. Uh... I would, uh... I heard a guy talk. It's like having your feet nailed to the ground and your mind's going 90 miles an hour. You know? It was just... I was just fantasizing constantly. And thinking things and rethinking things. And, uh... And doing it early. I, uh... I can remember sitting in a big Nogahyde chair and watching Rocky and his friends. And, uh... Uh... Just, you know... Just fantasizing. And... And I couldn't do anything. And I remember noises like... You know... Or a door slamming or anything would bristle the back of my head. Or a door slamming or anything would bristle the back of my neck. You know? And I had that feeling all the way up till I was, you know... For years. And, uh... And seeing things shoot out the sides of my eyes. I was seeing those early. And, uh... I just, uh... If... If those... If, uh... Even if I had an inkling of an idea that I was going to even feel sick that morning, I would just take my Tadrol. You know? I just took them. I just ran on them all the time. And, uh... I, uh... I managed to have a... An attention span of about two minutes. You know? That was the thing. And, uh... But I never went to school. I, uh... I barely learned how to read or write. I always made it a point never to go to school. Especially if I was going to have a test that day. And, uh... I, uh... I... I learned early to use these things. I, uh... Escaped into them. I, uh... You know? I just faked illnesses, always. And, uh... I had my first highlight, uh... First anything, really, I remember other than... Other than being sick, was when I was in the seventh grade. I wrote a pornograph. graphic essay and got expelled from elementary school. And I didn't even know what I was spelling, really. I would ask the guy next to me to spell it for me, and I just wrote it down and turned it in. And I knew, you know, I don't know why I did it, I guess for the attention. But my folks were divorced at the time, and I went home with a note, and I left the note and said, I'm running away, see you when I get caught. And that afternoon when they picked me up, my folks rallied together and took me to the chief of police at Torrance, and he explained to me, he lectured me on what my problem was at the time. And my problem was puberty, and pretty soon I'd be growing hair under my arms and on my legs, and everything would be okay, he told me. You know? And on the top of my head, you know? And I can remember standing in the mirror like this, and I said, I'm going to be okay. And I said, I'm going to be okay. And I said, I'm going to be okay. And I said, I'm going to be okay. And I said, I'm going to be okay. And he said, I'm going to be can't you know, waiting for hair to grow, you know? And he didn't know I was going to be an incredible late bloomer, you know? But I can remember my placing stipulations on, you know, people, places, and things, you know? If only I'd had hair under my arm, you'd know I was a man, you know? And then after that, if only I was 16, I could drive. And then, you know, 18, I could smoke, which I was doing since I was 15, you know? And, uh, you know, And, you know, and if I was just 21, I could buy alcohol. But by that time, I'd been drinking for six years, you know, on a daily basis. And always, if only I had that car, you know, or if only I was going out with her, or, you know, if I only had their parents or their house or, you know, or that job, you know, anything. I never, I could never handle what I had at the time. I never liked what I had. I was never comfortable, you know, with anything going on in my life. And, you know, so I went on. I can't remember my first drink. I was drinking since I was two, as far as I can remember. But I remember my first real drunk. I faked a few, but my first one was when I was 15. I helped put away a fifth of scotch with two other guys. And I started my better living through chemistry at that time, too. I was stealing my mother's volumes just to be stealing something, you know. And I took my, these volumes. And I took my Ted Rolls. And I drank this scotch. And I got normal, you know. I didn't get drunk. I didn't get crazy. I didn't go out dancing, you know. I just got normal. I felt comfortable. And that was something that I hadn't, I don't ever remember feeling. And that was something that I worked for from then on, chemically. And it didn't really matter what it was that it took, you know, what he was talking about, 35 years of drinking. My problem was that I didn't have any money. My problem was living in middle-class America, you couldn't get a hold of alcohol easy. But you could score a lid immediately, you know, or a hit of acid or some hash or whatever, you know, or glue, whatever it took, you know. And you could do it immediately almost. And so I, you know, I learned how to get there. And I did. And my next real big drunk, I guess, was when I was 16. I had a job on the Redondo Pier as a dishwasher. And the Christmas party happened. And I was drinking vodka and smoking joints and drinking beer. And I went back to the party and fell asleep sitting on the can. And they poured me out of that and took me home to my mother, who I was living with at the time. And she, I can remember, she was about 5'2". She yanked me out of the car and carried me in the house and threw me on my bed and threw my wingtip. And she threw her wingtips at me. And called up my father and said, come and pick up your son. He's just like you. And that's the first resentment I ever remember, you know. I didn't like getting kicked out. But I moved in with my father. And he lived in Hermosa Beach. And we clicked. I never liked my father. He was a fifth-a-day vodka drinker who used to fall asleep into a spaghetti, you know. And slobber. A lot of slobber. A lot of slobber. And he would corner me and drool on me and tell me how much he loved me, you know. He was that kind of neat guy, you know. And I hated him when I, you know, before it was punishment to have to stick around with him. And I moved in, though. And we made a pact. I handled all the chores and he handled the cooking. And it clicked, whatever it was. He would drink his fifth of vodka and I learned how to deal marijuana down there. I, you know, was buying kilos. And stuff. And I learned how to live on the streets there. And, you know, how to surf and how to live in the water. But I learned all the important things, you know, that I needed to know there, you know. I knew how to score. I knew how to get high, you know. I always got stoned in the morning. It didn't matter. I never, it never mattered if there was somebody there or not. I knew how to roll a joint and I'd roll one. And I learned how to stake out liquor. I knew how to get liquor stores there, you know. To get the alcohol that you wanted. You know, I was really in the ripple. And, you know, I was a real red man. And then, you know, on those Saturday nights, there was a little ripple white. It was real nice, you know. But I would sit there and drink quarts of ripple and watch the cars go by, you know, on the weekends. And that's all I would do. I graduated from high school. I managed to graduate with an eighth grade reading level and less than that in spelling. I did that. I did that. I did not feel equipped for the world. And I, my friends all went off to college and I majored in how to roll a joint while driving a car, you know, kind of thing. I just hung around the beach. I just stayed stoned all the time. I drank bud during the day times. And I drank wine at night. And then I, you know, it was that philosophy. I took uppers for motivation. And then I drank alcohol to come down off the grinding of the ground. I am a real teeth grinder. And I used to grind all the time. And you drink a couple of gulps of, you know, whatever wine and it just kind of cleans right out and, you know, gets rid of that taste. And then you smoke, you know, I smoked marijuana to appreciate the arts, you know. And, you know, how to really get into those concerts and the movies. And I learned how to, you know, I learned how to sneak into places like this without paying, you know. And I went to all the concerts. And I did the whole thing, you know. The only problem was I always felt like I was running on incomplete information, you know. I never knew what was going on around me. And it didn't matter, you know, high or not, you know. I mean, getting stoned just eased it. But, you know, it was always something crazy going on. My father was a very lonely man. And he never found anybody after he divorced my wife, my mother. My wife. My mother. I married my mother later. But he was really alone. So he remarried my mother and moved her into Hermosa Beach. And it was crazy. She was a blackout drinker and real violent. And my father was the type to play the same song over and over and over again and over. And then if he liked one of the little riffs, he'd play that over and over again. And then he'd do things like wake my mother up out of a blackout and she'd be passed out. And he'd say, Come and listen to this song, honey. It's really beautiful. And he'd play it for her over and over and over and over again. And then he'd ask her, he'd make a fatal mistake every time. He'd go, What do you think of that song? And she said, I'll show you what I think of that song. And she'd walk over to the record player and bend the arm straight up. You know. I mean, right. And he'd say, I'm not sure, I don't know what to do with it, but I think it's really beautiful. And I said, Well, I'm not sure. It's beautiful. And he'd say, Well, I'm not sure. It's beautiful. over and over and over again. And then he'd ask her, he'd make a fatal mistake every time. He'd go, what did you think of that song? And she said, I'll show you what I think of that song. And she'd walk over to the record player and bend the arm straight up, you know. Or, and go back to bed, you know. Or she would just take the record off the machine and just break it right in front of his face, you know. That's what I thought of it, and she'd go back to bed. Or if she was really awake, she'd just break all the records, you know. She never hurt the jackets, though. But she broke up a Collector's 78 set, and all my Jimi Hendrix and the Who and all the good boys, and just destroyed them all. And it was just that kind of atmosphere, you know. It was like you could cut the atmosphere in my house with a knife almost when you'd come in. My father would be drunk at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, in his pajamas. And my mother would come home at 5 and have one drink, and she'd go cockeyed, you know, into a black eye out. And you could tell, you know, when she'd been drinking. And I was there when my mother called the hospital to find out what color my nephew was going to be. You know, that's always fun when the nurse hung up in her ear, you know. You know, that kind of stuff. And, you know, it was just normal living for me. You know, I didn't know anything different. I was just, I loved it. I stayed in it. And I can remember at the beginning, getting into it. My folks would really like to argue, and at first I would be just so pumped up with adrenaline, I couldn't handle it. And I'd go, why are you guys arguing? And I'd just split and go get drunk and lay out on the beach and stuff, or go sleep in my mother's car. She had the bigger car. And, uh... And then I'd come back, and then after a while, I would take sides. You know, the adrenaline would still be there, but I'd go, yeah, if you wouldn't drink so much, you know, we wouldn't be so crazy around here to my father and my mother's side. And then vice versa, you know, I'd go to the other side. And say, if you weren't so crazy and didn't break up this place, me and the old man wouldn't be nuts, you know. And, uh... You know, and then finally it came, you know, and then it was my turn, you know. And if you would only went to school, you wouldn't be so weird, you know. And, uh... I just... And then the adrenaline was gone after a while, and it was no fun. And they'd start arguing, and I'd yawn and split, you know. And I mean, it just... I couldn't get into it anymore. And, uh... I just, uh... I stayed down at the beach. I, uh... I really liked it. Uh... I would go on surf trips and stuff, and I love going on those things, but I'm a bad camper, you know. I can't get to sleep. I would stare at the stars, and it'd drive me nuts. And so I'd just get loaded and loaded her until, you know, everybody would go, God, let's go to... And I'd say, well, let's just smoke one more joint, you know. And, uh... I would finish off all the alcohol that was in the area and stuff, and, uh... Uh... I would finally just lay back and go out. And, uh... And then they would... I couldn't get up in the mornings. You know, they'd all be up at the crack of dawn catching the glassy waves. And, you know, I would, uh... I'd wake up about 11 when it was victory at sea, you know. And, uh... And then we'd come back, and they were going, God, wasn't that a great day? You know, and I'd be, uh... You know, I'd be hungover and think, God, why did I drink so much last night? You know, I really feel sick. And, uh... Uh... And we'd get back, and I... And I didn't have a good time, and I didn't look forward to going, you know. And I'd think, God, why do I do this? I hate it, you know. I didn't like sand in my sleeping bag, you know, and stuff. But, uh... Uh... But that was the way everything was. I never liked anything. And, uh... And I just didn't care about anybody or anything. And, uh... I can remember, uh... Uh... At that time, having feelings. And going out and just getting drunk to get rid of feelings. And, uh... Uh... You know, the craziness at home, you know. And I heard a guy named John speak down in, uh... Uh... In L.A. And he was saying he would drink to, uh... To get rid of that feeling of remorse. And the only problem was is it just wiped out all feelings. You know? It didn't... Alcohol doesn't discriminate, you know. It just takes care of all of them. You know, love, hate, you know, remorse, you know. Any of that stuff. You just have a... Just a couple of belts, and it's back to the, you know, to the good old times. And, uh... I was always... I always lived in the past and always fantasized about the future. And, uh... I always wrote scripts that never came true. You know, I, uh... I can... I'm a big... I was a big John Wayne fan. And I can always remember watching him John Wayne movies. And he planned it all out and everything worked perfectly. And, uh... And the story of my life was always at the end of the plan, it was just a disappointment. You know? I was just... I was really disappointed with what happened. And, uh... And everybody was disappointed with me. With my performance. You know? And it was just time after time. I, uh... Around this time, I came home from a surf trip, and, uh... There was a pile of clothes on the floor, and, uh... I thought we were moving. And, uh... We'd moved about 15 times, you know. And so, uh... I was a professional by then. But I looked down at it, and my hunting vest had had a big flash down the back. And I started looking, and all the sleeves of all the shirts and all the pant legs had been cut off. And, uh... The night before, my mother had gone in a blackout, tried to kill herself. But first, she cut up all the wardrobe, you know. And, uh... She even stabbed my thongs. And, uh... She was, you know... She just went crazy. But, uh... And it didn't work. She woke up the next morning, and, uh... But, uh... They thought it was Camarillo time for her, and, uh... My father took her to this doctor, and he wanted to get anabuse because he figured he had a problem, too. My sister had told him enough, and, uh... Uh... Uh... They... He went to this... This doctor suggested that, uh... They try AA, that his... This doctor's wife had tried everything from anabuse to Raleigh Hills, and nothing had worked, and, uh... Uh... But she had been sober two years at that time in AA, and, uh... They had to go to the Manhattan Beach Clubhouse and at least get a big book. And, uh... They did. And about six months later, it clicked in, uh... Form. And they got sober, and it was really a funny transition, uh... from a feeling of disorientedness, uh... in the house, you know, that... that heavy fear atmosphere to some, you know, uh... to some comfort was really an unbelievable feeling. I couldn't handle it, almost. You know, I just... I didn't know, uh... how to handle the, you know, the smell of food at dinnertime. You know, uh... I knew how to handle a Sony TV being broken up in a sink, you know, uh... at dinnertime, but... You know, crazy stuff like that started happening, and, uh... My father, who had lived in Hermosa Beach for six years and never been tanned, he got sober for four months, and his, you know, he got tanned, and the hair that was falling out of his head grew back and, uh... was growing back, and his nose, you know, all the lines in his face were going away, and my mother had... wasn't going cockeyed on us anymore, you know, and was fixing dinner, and, uh, you know, it was really a nice feeling around there, and, uh... Uh... They decided to move out and move into a regular place. This was just a hole, and, uh... Uh... A drunken ghetto, and, uh... They moved into a nice apartment and left this place to me, though, and, uh... I loved it. Uh... And so I had a party for them, you know. They were already gone, but, uh... It was a reason to have a party, and a friend of mine came over and said, Hey, I'm heading for Corpus Christi. We're gonna go surf the Gulf Coast of Texas, and, uh... You wanna come? And, you know, it sounded like a good idea, you know. I was always in the... spontaneous things, you know, and, uh... I, you know, for 23 hours all the way there, I planned out what we were going to do, you know, from there to... to New Orleans, and then to, uh... you know, to Florida and surf the East Coast, and then to, you know, New York, and then back to Nebraska where I heard marijuana grew free, and, uh... You know, and then home again, and we got to Texas, and, you know, I had long hair and sneakers, and, uh... you know, and to find out they don't have any waves in the Gulf Coast, you know, you know, only when there's a hurricane, and there hadn't been one there for about six years, you know, and I thought, screwed again. I get to Texas, and, uh, you know, they didn't have any dope. They didn't have nothing down there, and, you know, and I thought, God, this is really the pits, and, uh... But they had this stuff called Everclear, uh, you know, 190-proof grain alcohol, and, uh, I just kept a pint of that with me all the time, and, uh, you know, it didn't bother me. I preferred to smoke dope, to tell you the truth, but it didn't bother me to, you know, to drink anything, or, you know, it didn't bother me to sniff glue, you know. I knew, I can remember sniffing glue, and thinking, God, I wonder how many brain cells this is killing, and then, these things would start spinning around, and I thought, who cares, you know, and I just, you know, I was there, and, uh, uh, but I just drank Everclear the whole time, for two weeks, and, uh, until this guy's mother asked him to ask me if it was necessary that I drink at the breakfast table. You know? And I would just, you know, I'd carry, you know, I'd carry this bottle around with me in my pocket, and I would just pour a little bit in the grapefruit juice in the morning, and then, you know, uh, I'd be just, I could feel it all the way to the fingertips, you know, and I would be awake, and, uh, I could eat that venison sausage and, uh, and eggs, and so, uh, yeah, it was important to me to drink in the morning, and, uh, she hurt my feelings, and in 23 hours, we were home. Screw New Orleans and Florida, you know, uh, I had to, we came home, and I'll tell you, once my old man got sober, he got, he got real righteous, you know. I got, I'll tell you, I got home, my landlady had a heart attack and died, and her sons didn't find it necessary to renew, you know, and said adios, and so I had to move back in with mom and dad, and, uh, uh, the old man got real righteous, and, uh, you know, it's like I hit the door, and it was, you know, get a job, or get a haircut, or get out, you know, that kind of thing, and so I would go out and get jobs, and, uh, I was real big on automotive jobs at the time, because you could usually get a job, without filling out an application, and all you had to know was the difference between the gas tank and the radiator, really, and, uh, pumping gas, and, uh, or, I, I sanded cars for a while until it wore all the, all the calluses off the ends of my fingers that I used to smoke joints with, and then there was a choice, it was either, you know, become a regular with a roach clip, or quit the job, you know, and I could never keep roach clips, so I quit the job, and, uh, you know, so I did that, and I cleaned up, uh, I was a night janitor, and I just did things that didn't take, you know, any effort, I could, I couldn't fill out an application, I could, I went to North High, and I could spell that, but I went to Casimir Elementary, and I had to abbreviate that, you know, I just couldn't spell it, and, uh, they would put down, you know, applications have all this little trick stuff, like, uh, you know, what kind of future would you like with this company, you know, and the only thing I could spell was forklift driver, you know, and I put, I just put forklift driver in there, you know, and, uh, I would do stuff like that, you know, and they'd say, forklift driver, is that all you want to be? You know, and I'd say, yeah, and, uh, you know, and they'd say, well, you know, we were looking for somebody, you know, want a little more, and, uh, and I'd say, okay, and I'd just split, and it was just, you know, it was that kind of thing, time after time, and, uh, uh, you know, finally my father was coming up and playing softball with some people in Santa Monica, and, uh, I've always been very sports oriented, I could never handle organized sports, but I loved, uh, sandlot softball and volleyball and, uh, you know, surfing, anything that didn't have any authority involved with it, really, and, uh, I, uh, my father came up and he said, would you like to come play with these guys? They're all sober AAs, you know, and I said, yeah, I'll give it a, you know, I'd like to play, and I came and played and had a great time, and, you know, my father was trying to impress me with telling, you know, he says, that guy's a principal, and, uh, that guy's here from Northern California, and, uh, uh, and just, this guy's a lawyer, and, uh, you know, we had a judge and that kind of stuff, you know, and I thought, God, that's great, but, you know, do they play ball? And, uh, and they didn't, especially Northern California guys, they didn't play. No, I'm just kidding. And, uh, uh, but I had a great time, and I asked him if I could come back again, and, uh, he said, I'd like to take you back. This was about, uh, ten and a half years ago now, and he says, but, uh, you know, you know, you're sort of a bad influence. They asked me to get you a haircut first because you're sort of a bad influence on some 15-year-old puke that was trying to get sober around there at the time, and, uh, they just cut this guy's hair off and found scabs, you know, because he just scratched all the time, and, uh, a guy named Jeff, and, uh, uh, he said, I'll tell you what, you go to my barber, you know, I'll pay for it, and you just get whatever you want, you know, and I said, okay, uh, you know, like a good little boy, and I thought, I wanted a short in the front and long in the back, you know, so that it wouldn't get in my eyes when I was in the water, and, uh, the guy says, I know exactly what you want, and as soon as I blinked, he put a bowl on my head and cut it all off, you know. All the way around, I came out with army-issue white walls, and, uh, you know, I couldn't believe it. I said, God, that's not what I wanted, you know, and, uh, and I thought it was just another prank, you know, I mean, it was just, uh, it seemed like I would just get the answers, and, and they'd change the questions again, you know, I mean, I'd just get screwed again. My hair was just getting really long, and, uh, and I, you know, I thought, God, now all my friends will think I'm a narc, and, uh, I hate the older generation, you know. My father put this guy up to this thing, you know, and, uh, I hated it, and I made it miserable for my old man, I'll tell you that, uh, after that, and I just punished him, and, uh, he went so crazy, I was still living at home, he couldn't get, he couldn't kick me out, I'd keep coming home, you know. They'd steal my keys, I'd climb in the balcony, and, uh, and, uh, he, uh, he went to his sponsor, he said, what should I do? And the guy, and his sponsor said, do whatever it takes to get him out of there, and, uh, uh, my, it was my luck, he had won a round-trip ticket to Hawaii, and he gave it to me, and, uh, and he baited me, you know, like out the door, and then threw it down and split, and, uh, but, uh, I went to Hawaii, and Hawaii is the greatest, has the greatest waves in the world, it's got the greatest, it's the best dope in the world, it's got primo beer, you know, cool 100s, and, uh, it had everything that I wanted, you know. The only problem was, is I took myself along, and I bummed myself out for three months, you know, uh, they got ganja over there, or maui waui, or whatever they're calling it now, and, uh, but, you'd smoke a, just a pinner of that, and you'd wipe out the whole refrigerator with the flying munchies, you know, it was just, and, uh, we were buying, we were buying, we were buying, we were buying, we were buying, we were buying, we were buying, we'd buy quarter ounces of that stuff, and, uh, and just great, and then, you know, this guy would say, just give me the money, I'll buy it for you, and I'd say, you know, no, I have to do it, right, and I'd say, I'll do it, and I'd go, and I'd give this guy 40 bucks, and I'd come back with a lid full of tea, you know, or oregano, you know, these guys would just rip me off, I was so crazy, you know, and, uh, I never knew what was going on, and, uh, so I would buy, I'd spend 40, 50 dollars on tea, and come back, and we'd smoke that stuff, and it was the kind of stuff that you'd just smoke, and smoke, and smoke, and, you know, nobody was getting high, but you'd ask each other, just to, you know, reaffirm, you getting high yet? You know, and they'd go, no, and they'd say, well, let's smoke another one, and, uh, you know, just keep smoking it, and, uh, but we always had plenty of primo beer around, and, uh, and I just drank beer the whole time, and I was reading this book, I was trying to primer through this book called The Hobbit, and, uh, uh, I was doing pretty good reading it, and, uh, just about the time I was finished with it, I scored some acid, and, uh, uh, was hiking through the hills there, and I went through this thicket, and I had to duck down, and I looked at the end, and this guy started coming at me, and he turned into a hobbit right in front of my eyes, and I couldn't believe it, and I came back, and I drank about a six-pack of primo, and called my old man, and said, you gotta get me out of here, I can't stand it anymore, you know, I was going through, I was just, you know, I was slipping out, I'd lost 35 pounds, I carry usually about 195 pounds, I was down to 165, and I was sunken, and it was, you know, a face, and it wasn't like my eyes were popping out or anything, it was just like my face was being drawn back from fear or something, you know, it was just intense, and, uh, I got back in, grinding my teeth, and I hit the door, and, you know, it was like three months after this haircut or so, or four months, and my old man goes, get a job, get a haircut, or get out, you know, it was like right before Thanksgiving, and all I could do was think about turkey, you know, I didn't want to think about work, and so, I got another job, I was working at Sears, uh, immediately, and, uh, as a tire installer, you know, $3.50 an hour, and all the glue you can sniff, and, uh, I, uh, I did, I installed more tires part-time than the full-timers did, you know, but I was taking acid and going to work, and hallucinating on the lug nuts, and stuff, and, uh, you know, and just taking amphetamines, and we called them sputs, and, you know, we were sputniks, and, uh, we would just be, just running all over this thing, uh, this automotive area, and, uh, I did so well, they promoted me, uh, uh, into full-time in the battery department, and I opened up the Moonlight battery supply out of the back there, you know, $20, I'd give you a die-hard, and for an extra five, I'd give you the guarantee card, you know, and, uh, I had a booming business going, I had a great wage coming in, and I was making all this money on the side, and I was drinking every night, uh, uh, I was drinking, uh, I helped put away a, a pint of, or a fifth of, uh, uh, Johnny Walker Red, and, uh, a couple of cans of Bud, and I was rolling joints, and, uh, you know, I mean, I just had dope, and alcohol, and drugs all the time, it was just never, uh, a moment that I didn't have anything, and the only problem was, is by the end of the week, when it came time, I was living at home, and not paying hardly any rent, I had a car, I, I have that ability of buying things that are guaranteed not to work, you know, like, I, I buy cars that the brakes go out on, or, you know, or, as soon as I drive it down the street, the transmission drops out of it, or, you know, or whatever, and, so that I feel obligated to fix it, and, uh, and finance it, and I was, I financed my, a $400 VW into a $1,500 beauty, you know, I'll tell you, and, for beneficial finance, they just saw me coming, and, uh, and I was making payments on this shitty little car, you know, and I thought, God, this is really the pits, and, uh, I was getting lessons early, and, uh, I was working at, seriously, they promoted me to assistant service manager of the automotive area by the time I was 20, I was the youngest assistant, uh, assistant, assistant service manager there, and, uh, you know, I was, I was being potentialized by that time, you know, and patted on the back and told, God, you're really lucky to be so young and at Sears, you know, they got the best benefits that you could ever want, you know, and, uh, uh, it's great, it's really great, and, uh, you're really lucky, and I kept thinking this, and I wanted to quit, I hated it, and I wanted to go somewhere else, but everybody would tell me how great it was, you know, how lucky I was, and I thought, God, who says I'm lucky, you know, uh, where does it say that you know that I'm lucky, you know, and that kind of stuff, but I stayed there, and I never knew why I would do that kind of stuff, it was like, the way I felt at home, you know, I stayed there, and everybody, you know, said, God, you're really lucky your parents are sober, and I thought, God, who cares, who says, I hated it, but I could never change it, I never had the guts to change anything, and, uh, and every night I was going out after work now, and I was drinking beer by the pitcher, I'd go to bars, and I was big enough to sneak in, or, you know, not sneak in, but I'd walk in, and they'd serve me, and, uh, I would order just the pitcher beer, and I'd drink it right out of the pitcher, you know, I didn't even take time to pour it in the glass, and, uh, uh, I would just cruise around these bars, and, uh, I had places called the Ore House and stuff, and it was just crazy, and, uh, I'd walk through there and drink this pitcher beer, and, you know, I'd look at girls that I wanted to talk to, and I'd think, God, just as soon as I finish this drink, you know, I'm going to talk to that girl, you know, and I, because I was so funny walking up to the pitcher, and so I would always go home by myself, you know, I mean, I, I dated a pitcher of beer for the last year of my, you know, my drinking, uh, you know, you never had to shower for a pitcher of beer, you know, didn't care, you know, kind of thing, you didn't care what kind of car you had, but a bottle of bed didn't care if I was driving a VW and stopping it with the emergency brake, you know, kind of thing, because I never, I didn't have the money to get the brakes fixed, and I was a mechanic, and, uh, you know, so, my old man, uh, hung, hung around a lot of AAs, and they always were giving me this old thing, you know, I can remember this one guy named Charlie McSee, he was always elbowing me and saying, hey, when are we going to see you in a meeting, you know, and I'd say, what are you talking about, you know, he was the kind of guy, he'd never change the oil in his hair, you know, he was one of those guys, and I think, you know, as soon as I get as greasy as you, Charlie, I'll be there, you know, and, uh, and he'd go, yeah, and he'd just laugh, you know, and it was like he, he would look at me like he knew something, you know, and, uh, and, uh, this kid who was 15 who got sober, you know, he'd say, hey Matt, we can hardly wait for you to get there, you know, and I'd say, what do you know, Harry, you know, you were 15 when you got there, and, uh, it was just all these people were starting to tell me this stuff, and I thought, well, you know, that's crazy, and, uh, I moved out, I thought, I gotta get out of here, and I moved to Manhattan Beach, and, uh, I tore the ligaments in my, uh, tore the cartilage, and I had to move back home again, and, uh, you know, I mean, it just, uh, I was destined for AA, I'll tell you, and, uh, but, so one night I was sitting there, and, uh, I had just, uh, I, you know, I'd been drunk, and I had stopped, I'd put down, I finally put down on alcohol, and I was, it was 1973, it was a drought, the weed got so bad, there was just, you know, you couldn't even get any decent, you know, Mexican weed, it was just so bad, and, uh, uh, I was drinking nonstop, and, pitchers of beer, and Fissa Chavez Regal, because I thought that's what you'd like to see me drink, and, uh, I like Southern Comfort, but that was a key shooter's drink, and, uh, you know, so, uh, I, uh, I called up this guy, I went, my father, he said, would you like to go to a meeting with me, and I said, yeah, and, uh, I would, and it was a Tuesday night Pacific group meeting, and, uh, I met a man there named Art Cole, who, uh, who turned out to, uh, change my life, he started telling me things that I'd never heard before, you know, he started answering questions, and, uh, you know, things like, I'd always had a bad attitude all my life, and I knew I was a bad attitude, and I just didn't care, you know, uh, and, uh, I had always wanted to change it, I tried to read these books, but I could never pronounce the psycho-cybernetics, you know, or even read it, and, uh, I would start to read that stuff, and it'd just drive me nuts, and, uh, but Art said, I'll tell you the trick, the trick to changing your attitude, and he said, try changing your attitude, try changing your actions first, he says, if you haven't been on a date, why don't you try asking a girl out, you know, and, uh, that sounded like a good idea, you know, and so I tried, and, uh, this girl said, sure, and, uh, I passed out before I got there, I got so drunk, you know, and, uh, he said that, you know, I called him up after that, I said, I can't believe it, I, you know, I got drunk, he said, I'll tell you, it sounds like maybe you've got a problem with living, and he said, I suggest you try going to 30 AA meetings, and if you do decide to go, he says, I want you to be considerate of the alcoholic, and not drink or take any drugs, you know, you think you can do that, and by that time, I was hip to all the cliches, and I said, gee, I think I can do it one day at a time, you know, and, uh, you know, I was so cool, I almost screwed myself out of it, and, uh, you know, and he said, great, and so I did, and he said, I want you to go to a meeting, and I want you to go up to three new people you don't know, and stick out your hand and say, hi, my name is Matt, what is your, your name, and then make small talk, and I said, but Art, you don't understand, I don't know how to make small talk, you know, uh, you know, I'm self-obsessed, uh, you know, I just, uh, I couldn't handle it, I didn't know what to say after say hello, that was the, you know, I never knew how to make conversation, when I got here, my vocabulary consisted of, you know, have you scored anything lately, and, or, let's get toasted, or, you know, let's go get high, or tuned in, or I'm hungry, you know, I mean, I was, you know, by that time, I'd go to movies, and point at the, you know, the chocolate covered peanuts, and hold out my money like this, you know, and they'd take my money, and, you know, and give me the peanuts, kind of thing, and, uh, and give me my change, and I never even, you know, you just don't think anymore, and, you know, so, uh, I said, I don't know how to make conversation, and he told me something that, you know, changed my life again, you know, and so, I'm gonna, I'll give you the key to conversation, and it works in AA meetings, you know, at any time, and you corner a good AA, and you ask them a question about themselves, and they'll give you 15 minutes guaranteed, you know, and then you learn how to look over their shoulder, and get away, and say, oh, there's Tom right now, I'll see you later, you know, and you walk around, but, you know, it was the key, uh, something I never knew, I never knew, I was always so busy worrying about myself, you know, thinking about what was going on with me, and what you thought of me, than to think of asking you something about yourself, it never dawned on me, you know, and so I stayed sober for 45 days, and, uh, uh, I, you know, I'd been out on a date, and I'd been taken care of, and I thought, boy, this AA is okay, you know, a little handshaking, a little conversation, you know, and you're in, you know, right there, and, uh, so I thought I'd apply it to my drinking life, and, uh, I planned a, you know, I planned a drunk, and, well, I went to Arizona, where a friend of mine was a lifeguard, and, uh, he picked me up with a lid of grass, and I just started rolling joints, I could roll a perfect joint, and, uh, uh, I just started rolling joints, and I started smoking dupes, and, uh, by the time I, uh, after three days, I was sitting in a chair at a party by myself, looking at girls I wanted to talk to, I had a bed in one hand, and a joint in the other, and, my body was drunk, and my mind wouldn't turn off, you know, I couldn't stand up, you know, I couldn't talk, I couldn't do a thing, but think, and it wasn't what I wanted, and I thought, this is screwed, and I, I, as soon as I could get up, I went to the local Sambles, and drank 50 cups of coffee, and, uh, that was May 27th, 1973, and, uh, I was 21 years old, and I haven't had anything since, and, uh, I'll try and tell you how I did that now, uh, it was nine years ago, I couldn't believe it, I, uh, I just celebrated nine years, uh, in AA, and, uh, it's one of the, one of the craziest things that's ever happened to me, I just, you know, I came back to AA, and, uh, I thought, I'm just going to stay here, to get my head together, you know, that was a big thing, you know, back in, the end of the, you know, end of the 60s, and the beginning of 73, everybody was getting their head together, and, uh, on marijuana, and, uh, I can, I can, I can remember saying, I'm just going to get it together long enough, and learn a few tricks, and then I'm out of here, Daddy, you know, I mean, this is not my idea of what was, you know, this is not a highlight, you know, I, but I came, and I can remember sitting in the back, uh, at meetings and stuff, and thinking, God, this is really screwed, uh, uh, the guys that got up there to participate, it all had Jake Legg, and drank torpedo juice, and had wives and children from here to New York, and I thought, I didn't, you know, I didn't fit in, and they were all coming up and patting me, I can remember going to meetings, and asking me if I had a, uh, a note from my mother to be there, and stuff, you know, and telling me how lucky I was to be in AA, and, uh, you know, how I didn't have to suffer like they did for 35 years, and, uh, I'm, you know, I'm sure if I was 50, I would have suffered for 35 years, you know, kind of thing, but I, I'd suffered as much in my life as they, any of them had, and as far as I was concerned, and, uh, I kept to myself pretty much, I, uh, I didn't find it necessary to go to too many meetings at the beginning, because my folks had been sober, and I knew it all, I knew, like I said, I knew all the cliches, and I knew the steps, you know, and I was real cocky, and I acted like a real jerk, and I got treated like a jerk, uh, uh, you know, old timers pick that arrogance right up, you know, and they don't mind telling, that's what they, that's the thing about staying sober for a while, you know, they don't mind telling you, and they're right, and that's the bitch about it, you know, and, uh, and so I, uh, I stayed sober for, uh, you know, for a while, and, uh, Art started me working on steps, and, uh, I worked, uh, my fourth and my fifth, and I cried when I, uh, when I did my fifth step, and, uh, you know, I thought, God, how unmasculine, you know, I didn't, I came down at AA to learn how to cry, you know, I thought, God, this is, I couldn't believe this stuff, but for some reason, I just stayed there, and, uh, and I just started doing, I made, I did my sixth and seventh, and my eighth and ninth, and I made amends to Sears, and they terminated me, you know, you know, Art goes, I want you to make amends to Sears, and I said, Art, you don't understand, you know, I had had a few things that I accumulated, like stereos and stuff, that they had owed me, you know, kind of thing, and, uh, I said, they, you know, they prosecute for a drill bit, and, uh, you don't understand, and, uh, he said, make amends, and I made amends, and, they all, they set me up on a payback program, on just the items that I had, not the stuff that I'd sent away, you know, and things, and, uh, they, uh, they were real good to me, and, uh, 30 bucks a month, and, uh, I paid them for four months, and didn't find it necessary to pay them anymore, uh, you know, I thought, what do they need it for? You know, they're a big time company, they don't need that dough, and anyways, I wasn't paying my bills, anyways, you know, it didn't matter, I, uh, at six months sober, I, uh, I tore the ligaments in my right knee, and, uh, I was, uh, given a 50-50 chance of playing ball, and, uh, I was dealing dope at the time, I'd heard this guy Marvar, uh, speak, and he, and he said, you know, if you're a good thief when you're drunk, you'll be a better thief when you're sober, and I thought, well, you know, uh, I didn't have to, I figured I wouldn't have to worry about smoking up my profits, you know, so I was dealing, I bought a kilo, and I was dealing lids, and stuff, uh, at work, and, uh, I had a pound, about a pound, I had my knee in a cast, and, uh, you know, I'd just been stealing, and lying, and cheating, and, uh, my friend of mine called me and said, we're going to take a few pounds to Reno, and, uh, you want to come along, and, uh, I said, sure, and we took about 18 pounds with us, and, uh, we got rid of all but five, and we had them in brown paper sacks on the floor, in the backseat of this guy's car, and we were driving through Reno, and got pulled over, and, uh, I saw a headline, and, you know, I'm seeing headlines, sober member gets 20 years, you know, for drug busts, and, uh, I can't, you know, I can't believe why I've done this, kind of thing, and, uh, they take my license, and check out, and come back, and, and this guy goes, this police officer looks at me, and he says, have a good time in Reno, boy, and I thought, God, I came back and got active in AA, I'll tell you, you know, uh, I started doing the things I started, the, the things they tell me to do, and, I became, I started going to nine meetings a week, I became a central service representative, you know, I was a coffee maker, and clean up crew, and, uh, I haven't dealt any dope in nine years, or eight years, and, and clean up crew, and, uh, I haven't dealt any dope in nine years, or eight years, and six months now, and, uh, uh, I started doing the things that they told me to do, and I'll tell you, my life has just changed tremendously, you know, I still don't have, I still, at times, all the time, I feel like I'm running on incomplete information, but, I'm, I really am living it one day at a time now, so it doesn't really matter, you know, these little curves that they throw me, I can handle today, I, uh, I had to teach myself how to get up in the mornings, you know, I was talking to Tommy, he was talking about a kid who, who slept through two alarm clocks in a phone call, you know, and, uh, I would do the same thing, and then try to chase the guy down at the meeting that night, and, and blame him for me not getting to work that morning, you know, you know, uh, because I slept through his call, and, uh, and he'd say, finally, he, you know, somebody who was honest enough with me to say, hey, listen, it's not my responsibility, if you gotta get up, it's up to you, Slim, and, uh, uh, you know, and I did, and I started to learn how to get up, and I taught myself how to go to work, I got a job that, they wanted me there from eight to five, I thought I'd be a real big prima donna salesman, and get one of these, uh, uh, jobs that, you know, on your own, that, sell and stuff, and, you know, and you don't have to check in, the only problem was, is that I was selling skateboard wheels, and I, I have, I've always had a thing for pinball, and video games, and, uh, and especially during the daytime, when I should be working, and, uh, I was, I was playing pinball, and they unloaded the van of all the wheels, and, uh, and to call up my boss sober, and tell him, you know, that the truck got broken into, and that, uh, all the skateboard wheels had been stolen, and, you know, and to come in and turn it in, and him being a hundred miles from home, and him saying, God, I forget to tell you to bring a ride, you know, you're not taking the truck back home with you, you're fired, and, uh, you know, and hitchhiking home sober, you know, and thinking, oh, God, uh, but I, I got another job, and I gave that a try, and I, I learned to apply this, what I've learned in AA to that job, and consider it a commitment, an AA commitment, uh, uh, uh, they want me there between eight and five, and I've done that, and I've been there now for six years, and, uh, I've done real well, I'm a salesman of VW parts, you know, I got poetic justice, uh, I could never spell, uh, I could never spell Chrysler, but I can spell VW, you know, so, uh, or Chevrolet, they got the, you know, I can never spell Chevrolet, but I, you know, uh, but so I sell VW parts now, wholesale, and it's been the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm the number two producer in the office, and, uh, and I like being number two, you know, because the number one guy always knows I'm on his ass, you know, and I got, I can see him there, he's in sight, and I know what to do, you know, and, uh, and I do a real good job, and they like me there, you know, and they think I'm crazy, and, uh, you know, everybody used to think I was crazy when I was drunk, they go, here comes Matt, he's really crazy, he does crazy stuff, and I'd do stuff on a dare, you know, I'd jump off the, off that ledge there, if I thought I could get, somebody dared me to get close to the, you know, the podium, and, uh, and now they, you know, they think I'm crazy, but it's fun, you know, kind of thing, uh, I, uh, my boss had to go in for an operation of, uh, for hemorrhoids, you know, and, uh, normie salesman sitting there, he drinks a little bit, but he's a normie, and, uh, and I made a joke to my boss, and I said, gee, uh, this guy's name, the salesman's name is Dick, I said, gee, Hans, uh, Dick says you're no longer perfect now, after your operation, and, uh, but my boss thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard, but, you know, he just started laughing, but the salesman turned red on me, you know, livid, he just went crazy, and he said, I did not tell you that, you know, and I, you know, and that just made, it even funnier between me and the boss, but he just went crazy, and this guy's got the office, two offices down from me, I work in the, you know, inside, and, and I had to make amends for this guy, uh, you know, I, I thought, oh, I can let this go, and this guy can just go crazy, and slam through the coffee room, you know, and pour coffee on my feet, trying to get out of there fast, and, you know, or I can be, you know, I can show my growth, and, you know, and I said, Dick, I'd like to apologize, I didn't really think that you would take that serious, you know, it was just in good sport, and, he says, I didn't think it was funny at all, and, he went back to his room, and, but I felt great afterwards, you know, for working my program, uh, you know, uh, that's the difference today, you know, I, uh, I had three things when I came in, and I couldn't stand, and it was, it was God grateful and love, you know, I, uh, I was not grateful to be, you know, to get to AA, really, uh, when I got here, uh, you know, it was like, I, I couldn't read, I hated TV, I couldn't play ball when I got here, and, uh, and, I, I can remember thinking about AA, leaning back in bed, and thinking, you know, after somebody told me how lucky I was to be here, so young, and thinking, only 40 or 50 more years of this, you know, and, uh, that wasn't, you know, I wasn't too grateful, but, uh, but sticking out the way I have, I'm real grateful today for what I got, uh, I got a lot of stuff today, I've got, I've, I've gone past my goals three times, you know, at least, I've had to reset goals after goals, and, uh, you know, the second was, uh, you know, was God, I never, uh, you know, uh, I, I always cringe when I heard the word God, and people talking about church, you know, I had the kind of grandma who always put, put you on the spot, you know, she'd say, what are you going to do when Jesus comes, you know, and, uh, you know, and I was busy trying, I was busy rhyming words to duck, you know, and at the time, and, uh, and I thought, you know, so I told her what I thought, and, uh, she didn't appreciate it, and I always thought, what was I going to do when that happened, you know, but, A, he was giving me a higher power, you know, my own higher power, and it's not a God that I have to wind up on Sundays, you know, it's mine, I pray to it, I say this, you know, the serenity prayer when I feel crazy today, and it's something that's given me faith, you know, in myself, and, uh, and to have this, that, you know, that I get through things, and, uh, and the third was love, uh, you know, I didn't love anything, my idea of love when I got here was my father slobbering on me, you know, and telling me he loved me, you know, uh, we, I never knew love in my family, we weren't a real, my mother took care of me and was a real good mother, you know, but we never showed much emotion to anybody, you know, we worked on maintaining any kind of emotion that would even possibly pop out, but, uh, uh, when I got here, uh, you know, I didn't love anything, and, uh, I had to learn how to love, I had to learn how to, uh, use, use, use, use, use, use, use, use, use, use, use, use, use, love, and say love, you know, and what did it was about three years ago, I started dating this girl, and, uh, after about, you know, after about a year or so dating her, she said, how come you never say you love me, you know, I tell you I love you, and, you know, and I said, but I, you know, I don't know, I don't feel that word love, I, you know, I said, I, it feels overused, and, uh, and so, I looked it up in the dictionary one day, and it said, having a great affection for someone, and, uh, and, I, you know, so I, I started telling her that, you know, I said, I have a great affection for you, and, uh, and one night I learned that, you get a lot further in bed if you say, I love you, than if you say, uh, I have a great affection for you, you know, so I started, you know, I started using it, and I started applying it to my vocabulary a little bit, and, today I love things, you know, uh, I love my nephew, uh, the one that my mother called on, you know, to find out, uh, I had a trouble with that, I, it turned out that I was real, I don't know if it's bigotry or what, but, uh, I was always embarrassed, from, uh, my nephew, or from me, I don't know who, but, uh, and I would be afraid, and, uh, self-conscious of taking him places and stuff, until finally I talked to my sponsor, I changed sponsors after a while, and got a man, uh, named Clancy, and, uh, he's the type that's not afraid to hurt your feelings, you know, and, uh, and I went to him, I said, Clancy, I said, I don't know how to deal with my nephew and my niece, you know, uh, and it really bothers me, and he says, just treat him like newcomers, kid, and, uh, and he slapped me on the back as hard as he could, and, uh, and so I did, and I started treating my nephew like a newcomer, and, uh, he's great, I love him today, uh, we get along really well, and I, I broke out of that thing where I just don't care anymore, you know, uh, I do care at times, you know, I, I, I, I get going, and I, I still have bad days, and I still have rotten times, you know, and I still am worried about what you think, but not like I used to, you know, I used to, I couldn't walk down an aisle, or walk in front of anybody, because I was, I'd develop a limp or something, or, you know, because I was so self-conscious, and today, I'm not like that anymore, and, you know, uh, my mother, uh, and father are still sober, they've been sober over 12 years, and my mother, two years ago, or a year ago, February, came down with cancer, and, uh, the doctor told us, six months, and, uh, she's still around a year, you know, 20 months later, but, uh, it was really a tough, uh, dealing with that, and I had to, I felt, you know, necessary to make up for lost time, and, you know, and I felt like I made amends, I learned to pray for my mother, and, uh, uh, that she didn't suffer and stuff, and she hasn't really, you know, she's had it real good, and, uh, she, they just went to the Palm Springs roundup, and had a great time, and, uh, uh, but it's taken toll on the rest of the family, uh, very much, and we get along real well, and we, we have eye contact today, and we think a lot alike, and, uh, we look alike now, you know, I'm starting to lose my hair like him, and, uh, but, uh, uh, my sister over this stuff, uh, we haven't talked in six months, and, uh, and as far as, you know, that's, you know, that's another story I'll have to work that, when it comes to it, you know, but, uh, it's been crazy, uh, uh, over this thing, and it's a hard thing, I've had to do a lot of praying, and getting a lot of contact with my higher power, but, today I have a lot of love for a lot of people, you know, I mean, I don't love all you, and I don't hate all you, but, there's a lot of people I like, and, uh, and care for today, and it's, you know, it's a direct result of AA, and I cannot balance it out today, I'm really glad that Rick talked about slipping, because, I'll tell you, I sit here at 30 years old, uh, I just turned 30, you know, thinking, God, I made it, I started, I didn't start shaving until after I got sober, you know, kind of thing, there's a lot of things that I didn't do until after I got sober, and, uh, you know, and I think, well, you know, maybe I'm not an alcoholic, you know, maybe I shouldn't really be here, you know, and nine years of sobriety, maybe, you know, you just don't get nine years sober, and have that big a problem, you know, and then I hear guys like Rick talk, and I think, God, I think I'll just stay here for a while, until I get my head together, and then maybe I'll go out there, thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you, Matt. For those of you who have not attended the young people's portion of the program at prior conferences, and to all of you who are attending your very first conference, I would like to say welcome. The first half of the, will be, an audience participation. I will ask for volunteers, and call, on some of you to share. Please limit your talk to two or three minutes, so we can get as many people as we can. And, my name's Missy, and I'm an alcoholic, and a drug addict. I'd like to pick the topic on living sober. I'm scared to death up here. I, I feel like my skin is, my nerves are, coming up through my skin. Um, but I have to remember I'm just here to learn, and I'm not a speaker. Um, what it used to be like for me, I had my first drink at 14. I got drunk. I, I blacked out, and that's the way I drank. I didn't think I was drunk unless I blacked out. Um, I think I was an alcoholic from the first drink I ever took. And I was introduced to drugs at a very young age too. And that's a, I think my drugs got me here, and I think I'll be here a little bit sooner, and I thank God for that. Um, I, there's just so many things running through my mind. At the age of, um, 21, I'd had it physically. You know, I was in the hospital, and my doctor told me I was dying, from a liver disease. And I went back out and I drank. And during this time, my mom had found Alcoholics Anonymous, and she introduced me to this program. And I came to my first meeting at the end of 79, and I didn't stay sober. But she planted the seed for me. And, uh, I have two years, August 5th. And that's a miracle for me. This is a program of attraction. My mom and my brother are both in this program today. My brother has like 76 days. And that's just beautiful. Um, so, with that, uh, do we have any volunteers that would like to come up and share? We have two microphones here. And if you'd like to, just come on up. My name is Paul. I am an alcoholic and a dope thing. I wish I was 24 years old. I wish I was. But denial stayed with me for a long time. A very long time. This auditorium is very familiar to me. I drank a lot of alcohol here. A lot of alcohol. I don't know how to really get this program. When I get up in the morning, I still take a day at a time. I'm not close to people. See, when I put all my eggs in one basket, I put them all the way. See, the Pisces are this way. Um, I don't know why I, I guess God still got me here, you know. It ain't me got me here. I've had a lot of help in this program. I've had a lot of help. At 47 years old and, uh, still emotional and, uh, don't get, try to get close to people. But this is what this program is about, is to get close to people. I'm very tired, you know, and, um, I'm supposed to do some things I'm not doing. Like, uh, going to see my sick mother in the rest home. Still keep a scorecard about that one, you know. I'm still, I still got all them dope, fiend image, alcoholic images in me. I don't know when it's really gonna get better for me. I got a lot of people love me in Modesto, but I don't try to get close to people up there. Maybe they really get to know me, and I ain't that bad guy that I try to throw up. I try to throw out the, the bees. I still come to San Jose, and the cops still bug me as they did 20 years ago. I can't even walk down the street. Here he is again. I stay away from this town 20 years, and they still know my face. Uh, see, there are a lot of people in my family getting loaded today, but I will not do it for people, places, or things. I'm not gonna do it for them. Lady, I really love you. You know that? I wish I can get mine at 24, but I didn't really want to change, see. Uh, you have to be ready for this program. I wasn't ready the first time. I did come back again. Noivita, I really love you. You know me how I was. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Please come back. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Does this work? Yes. Hi, I'm Carol, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. And thank you. Um, this is Trippi. This is my first conference, and one of my sponsors, I keep myself covered with tooth, said to me last week, you have to go to the conference. And I says, I don't have to do anything, so I'm here. And I'm talking because I'm just really grateful. I had my first year clean and sober last week. Thank you. It's really because of you all that I had it, you know. And I guess I'm just realizing what it was like now from the kinds of things that I'm able to do now that I couldn't do before, you know. The simple things kind of passed in like the first three months, like washing my underwear, taking the garbage out, going to the supermarket without being stoned, going to the movies without being stoned. I couldn't do anything without being stoned or drunk. And I can do a lot of things. I can do a lot of things now. I knew that my job had to change and I didn't know what to do about it. And I was scared to death that I was going to have to quit. And the job is just changing. I didn't do anything. It just changed. And I guess what's happening is like I've got this serenity that I really didn't have to do anything to get. I'm realizing now that it just comes with time, with not drinking and not using. And I'm finding that I can be friends with men. Friends. And that was really a big thing for me. And I'm finding that what I'm doing now, for instance, with relationships, I used to be involved in a lot of really self-destructive negative relationships. And what's happening now is like I'm getting to a point where I assess people a lot more than I used to. I used to be so needy. My needs were hanging out of my fingertips, you know. I had nerves all over my skin. And I don't anymore because working the program, I'm starting to fill my own needs. This is the first time I've ever lived alone in my life, clean and sober, for a year. And that's really a big deal. And I'm enjoying learning new things. And I know there are no instant fixes anymore. And I know... I know that other people don't exist to fulfill my needs. And that I am separate from other people. And I don't feel like a victim anymore. And nobody does anything to me or makes me do anything. And I've learned a lot, I have to say, too, from Al-Anon. Because I learned that I am powerless over my reactions. And so it's really not what's happening out there. It's how I react to what's out there. And I'm gaining a lot of peace. And a lot of gratitude for what I have. Instead of thinking my cup is half empty, it's now half full. And I think that's a hell of a lot of progress for me to get up here and talk in front of a mic to so many people. So thank you all very much. Hello. My name is Doug and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Doug. And my life's unmanageable. And I really don't know what to say. But I'm grateful. I'm grateful that Alcoholics Anonymous found me. I can, uh, I don't know. My stomach's turning. And I just want to be up here for a couple minutes. Maybe a minute or 30 seconds. I'm very grateful that the sponsor that I have is, I'm grateful that I met him. And my sponsor taught me a lot. You know? They said to pick up the phone. For the first 90 days I was in Alcoholics Anonymous, my sponsor bring me the means and stuff. The only thing that I got out of that. I went back out and drank. And the only thing I got out of that was able to drop the dime and, you know, use the phone. And say, I need help. I told him my philosophy of life. And he told me what it really was. You know, a lot of shit. And, uh, man. The newcomers, thank you for being here. Even if I don't know you, I will know you someday. And thank you. My name is Russ and I'm an alcoholic. I woke up this morning and got ready to go to work. And my neighbor asked me to give him a ride to the liquor store. And I got real grateful all of a sudden. Because he was, you know, kind of. But I dropped him off the liquor store and I went on my way about my business. And it feels good today because I don't have to fight anymore. I just surrender. That's all. And it does me a lot of good. The job I've got is working out really good this time. Um. Woo! I'm getting a lot of compliments. And I owe it all to my God and people like you. Because people come up to me now at work. And they tell me, Russ, you get along with everybody around here, don't you? And I say, yeah. I have to. Because I work with them. Because man, I've never done, it surprises me, I've never done this type of work before. Receiving. And here I am. Uh. All these trucks coming in and out. People running around. I'm signing things in, I'm signing things out. And this and that. And it gets to me once in a while. And I stand in the middle of the floor and I say to myself, Damn it, don't these people realize that I'm Russ and I'm an alcoholic and I have feelings. Woo! You know? Shit. But you know, I hang on to that thought of trusting in God and cleaning house. And uh. God puts people, places and things in my life. And this job was put into my life, I think, so I can work on my patience and tolerance. At times, you know. Um. This, the man this morning made me real grateful, you know. Because he needed a ride. And he had to get to the liquor store. And it was what, 8 o'clock this morning. And uh. I always uh. Got to work at 8 o'clock when I was drinking. And by 8.30 I was thinking of the bar I was going to go to that night. You know. Really plan and making big plans for that night. You know, already. 8.30 in the morning. And uh. I don't have to do all that fighting anymore. My mother is still drinking. She's been drinking since I can remember. And uh. She tells me, AA is a farce. And I look around this room and uh. I'll be able to go to her and tell her, well. You know. I really doubt it, you know. You know. Um. It really upsets me inside when I've talked to her. Because this is the first, I think the first time we've gotten into my alcoholism. And uh. She says uh. AA is a farce. And I sit there and I get jumbled. I jump inside, boy, when something happens. Because I want to just jump all over her and tell her this and tell her that. And I can't. I have to realize that she is a sick person. And she has to be treated accordingly. Just like me. You know. And somebody also told me. She told me after a meeting. She says, Russ, why don't you slide out of the way a little bit and let God in. You know. And that makes a lot of sense. And so I just pop over there every once in a while. For a little 12 step work or whatever. Subconsciously. And uh. With my uh. With my gleaming sobriety, you know. Because I feel great. I feel like a woman in that shape can sit there and tell me how to run my life. Because every time I go over there, she is depressed. You know. And she tells me what's wrong with me. And uh. And I'm wearing the wrong clothes. And you know. And so I stay there about 15 minutes and leave. And you know. And I'm able to pray for her. And other people. You know. God is coming into my life. I talk a little. I throw a little God into my conversation once in a while at work or wherever I'm at. And this one gal at work. She says, yeah, Russ is into God. I heard her talk to her mom one day. She says, yeah, Russ over there. He's new and he's into God. And this and that. And I was thinking to myself, you know. I'm just finding out right now how much God has been into me. You know. In 1976 I had a motorcycle accident in Saratoga Hills. And three people got hurt. And I was like, oh my God. And three people happened to show up to do CPR on me. And they never expected me to live. And that's God. If I ever heard it. You know. Because they never expected me to live. And all this went down in medical history. And all this stuff. You know. It blows my mind when I think about it. Because people that were in the hospital that I was in didn't have it as bad as I did. And they were a hell of a lot worse off. You know. And it really makes you sick. It makes me think anyway. Of how I should be every day, every minute. And this and that. But I get off into some tangent every once in a while. And I've got to kick myself in the butt and come back into realization that I'm an alcoholic. And I'm powerless over everything. Just about. And I thank you for letting me talk. And I thank you for letting me talk. My name is Rick and I'm an alcoholic from Eureka, California. Hi Rick. And I've got 52 days this time. And I've got 52 days this time. I'm a retread. You see, I went out and collected some yets for you folks. You see, I went out and collected some yets for you folks. And I went out and got trash compacted so you didn't know. And I went out and got trash compacted so you didn't know. didn't have to. I went out and wrapped my truck around a bridge in Portland so you wouldn't have to. And I have a message in that. I had seven years when I went out and got drunk again. And I'll tell you how it came about. It was real easy. It was a subtle seduction. I mean it. It was real slow and real easy. I ran into a problem. I had it made in AA. And I got lazy. And I started finding excuses for not going to meetings. And then when I did go to meetings, I couldn't stand those sanctimonious son of a bitches talking about me like that. And I started getting real resentful about the people who cared about me and were coming and telling me, Rick, you're getting in trouble. Boy, you're getting in trouble. I'm scared for you. And I didn't want to hear it. I didn't listen to my friends. And I gave up my higher power. And I went out and got drunk. And let me tell you, it don't get any better. I thought I was pretty hip, slick, and cool. And it's pretty hip, slick, and cool to spend three hours on the floor of a men's room with your chin hanging over the edge of a filthy urinal. You know, that's pretty slick. It's pretty slick to end up in a nut house three times in one year and to go through several recovery facilities. But I thank my higher power for conferences. I think I like it. I do love working. Though I've got to say, like, I've got to be ... I wasarson's a divine doctor, I was a young man who had someone who was had a helping hand in my life. How many of you know the most험 all right now with the pill gider, was it 24 patch素 then you should go and ask some people, you should be sharing it. Yeah. That's true. threw all those drugs in the trash can. And I thank God I don't need them now. Because I get higher in a kite on AA. And I've got a higher power now. And if you don't believe in miracles, take a look around you. Did you ever think you'd see this many sober drunks in one spot in your life? Thank you. My name is Perry Boxer. I'm a very, very, very grateful alcoholic. There's a very for every year. I had my third birthday on the 23rd of last month. And I want to most of all thank God. And I want to thank that man that shared that slip because he's right. He did it so we don't have to. And I want to welcome all the newcomers and tell you everybody, keep coming back. If I can make it, anybody can make it. Because when I first went to my first day meeting, I was sliding around the floor, trying to see the guy's watch on his wrist because I didn't want to ask him what time it was because then he would have thought I wanted to get the hell out of there. And that's, that's what I did want to do, actually, is we get the hell out of there, but I didn't want him to know. Anyway, I just want to thank everybody for being here and thank everybody and keep coming back because it does work. Thank you. Oh, I'm short. I'm a recovering alcoholic addict and my problem is Lois. And I want to thank, I want to thank the young people, you know, for letting an oldie but giddy up here. The young people is what's really keeping me young in heart and in mind. And maybe not in body. But, you know, I drank and I used with my three children that, we're all so addicted like I was. And I want to tell you that they're all sober and clean today. And I am too. I have to tell you, there's one little sign that I just pulled out of a box. I just moved to Alameda. And I've carried it with me for some time. It says, Dear Lois, I do not need your help today. Love God. And, and I, and I, and I, you know, I didn't really think that one up. I, I was such a wreck. I came to this program by the way of Al-Anon in 1962. And then on Neurotics Anonymous in Southern California. And then Overeaters Anonymous because I had to eat, you know, because I was so nervous. And then I finally got here. And I love it. I've been around for a long time. I've been in the I've been around for a long time. I've been in the around seven years and eight months and 17 days and guess what it's getting better thank you hi i'm irene and i'm an alcoholic hi irene see how dedicated i am i still have my apron a couple of weeks ago i spoke at the saturday night live i was a 10-minute speaker and i didn't really get a chance to say something else and maybe it was god's will or whatever because i'd like to say it now you know after a while that i've been in this program after i've taken my steps i not only took them and felt great but i wanted to explore i wanted a really great experience and i've been in this program for a long time and i've been in this program for a long time and i've been in this program for a long time and i've been really listened to people this time and i also even after a while i'm still new i'll have a year next week my husband will have a year tomorrow we both came in this program together and the thing that was amazing to me was after a while that we were in this program the people that have been in this program 10 15 or whatever so many years i've heard that they were afraid to get up and say how they felt on how screwy they felt and every time somebody had to ask them how are you they'd say i'm fine i'm fine well let me tell you folks who's ever got five 10 15 i don't care 30 years this is my opinion i want to hear how you're screwed up and people that are on this program for so long feel that us new people would be afraid that maybe we would think my god am i still afraid of what i'm doing and i'm not i'm not afraid of what i'm doing and i'm not afraid going to be like that 10, 15 years from now. Well, let me tell you folks, I want to know, because I want this program to keep me on my toes and keep me coming here. So this is the, this is the things that I want to hear to keep me coming, because there is no other life than this, to be sober and to be free. And thank you very much. If you want to hear, baby, I'm going to tell you. I'm Woody and I'm powerless over alcohol. And my life's unmanageable, drunk or sober, period. Now, well, I know that today. And God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference. Now, if you think I said that for your benefit, I haven't. I say it for mine. And I think one of the reasons I'm up here is because as long as I've been sober, I never want to get to thinking, I've got this program made again. I've had it made four or five times, and then I forgot where I put it. I want to thank that young fellow that was, had seven years of sobriety, had a Gwakbong, had a granny, had a three-year-old, had a wife, had a wife, had a younger sister-in-law, had a mom and a father, and had a son-in-law. But you know, it's never the same. When I'm sober, it's never the same. out and do some of those yets for me. And I think that's why I keep coming back. It hasn't been necessary for me to take a drink, by the way, since the 28th day of August in 1971. And for that, I'll be eternally grateful. I didn't come to AA to get sober. You see, this is a young people's meeting. And I was a 17-year-old delinquent going on 52 when I got here, so I had a long childhood. And I'll never forget the first young meeting, young people's meeting I went to. I never got so angry in all my life. Now, here I've been sober about six or seven years, something like that. And I accidentally went to this meeting, and these people were talking about me. And I said, well, I'm going to go to AA. And they said, well, I'm going to go to AA. And I said, well, I'm going to go to AA. And they said, well, I'm going to go to AA. And I said, well, I'm going to go to AA. And they said, well, I'm going to go to AA. And I said, well, I'm going to go to AA. That lumpy booze, you know, the uppers, the downers, the reds, the yellows, the smack, the wacky tobacco, the crank, you know, and a little bit about booze. And I looked at these young people, and I thought, holy Christ. Here I spent 35 years beating my head against a wall on alcohol alone. and they spend three, four years getting all out of shape and they're eligible for this program and you know they got a whole lifetime ahead of them and I thank God for that today I needed this program when this program started I can remember when I went to the first grade my first day of school I needed a drink but I didn't know too much about alcohol then and I had a father that was very strict and of course I was brought up strict religion and they talked about a heavenly father and I says oh my God not another one you know and you see as I grew older not emotionally but I grew up with a father not mentally but chronologically I guess you call it I thank God for that today and you know there was a promise in the big book I couldn't understand any of them when I got here but the one I really couldn't understand was he said that someday you will not regret your past nor wish to close the door on it and I thought of every rotten thing I ever did in my life drunk and sober what are these people talking about they've got to be crazy that's why I drank but you know this too has come to pass for me and I realize today that it took every rotten thing I ever did in my life drunk and sober it took every drink I drank to the last drop in order to find this way of life and we talk about living in sobriety is there any other way to be happy joyous and free to be eternally young in the spirit if there is I'm still certain that I'm not going to be happy I'm still searching but I think I found it in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for me this is the easiest softest way that I ever found and thank you very much for listening to me we're out of time I'm Charlotte and I'm an alcoholic and um my sponsors always told me to cop where I'm at so today I'm scared I'm feeling inadequate and that I don't have nothing to share um I'd like to share with a guy that first spoke about his mother um living sober giving my mother back it's a funny thing being sober you know she changed and I was able to make amends to her and uh realize that she raised me the only way she could and through my own mistakes with my own children you know I learned this um don't feel too guilty about not being able to go to see her in the rest home um my mother died I ain't gonna look too cool if I cry but that's okay um the 29th of this year and I went on a guilt trip because I could not watch this 63 year old girl's life this 63 year uh 63 pound lady die um and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsors said that was okay go when you can let her know you love her and you know um and that was okay and I believe within my heart see I told ya haha hey folks this is progress I was one of those people that came in if a tear at I went out the door I was one of those macho broads haha so you guys ain't got nothing over me I don't applause they give me my mother back and when my father died I was drunk and I was riding a horse and uh I couldn't do for him what I did for my mother and it was a neat thing being sober and having no regrets like I did with my father I did everything humanly possible that a daughter could do for her mother that was dying of lung cancer um she lived in my home almost a year uh and that was okay and this is a woman I hated at one time and uh loved at the same time so you know I just like to share that with ya and don't beat yourself with it because as long as you beat yourself with it if you're anything like I am then it's gonna keep you away and sobriety has given me a family and one night I'm an only child and my dad's dead and I got a son and a daughter and my daughter's on the street and I couldn't get a hold of her so when I went to the funeral parlor I couldn't go in that little room because there would have just been me and my son and maybe my adopted sister that's an AA member so my family I set out with them so living sober has given me you you know and in some ways it's given me to you guys too good, bad and indifference thank you