Prayer and Meditation – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 8 of 25 – Donna J.

The obsession to drink alcohol on August 5th of 2000, I never say that I stopped drinking because I could never stay stopped. A power burst upon me that I had never felt before and I knew that I never had to drink again. I wasn't looking for a solution, I just had nothing else to try and it was a very hot day of August. Oh my god, August 5rd, I'll never forget that day. I had 50 cents in my pocket once again. And I always found that I had 50 cents in my pocket. Was I going to get a Lucy or a beer? But this particular day, I knew that I couldn't take it anymore. And for those of you that are on the Zoom call, I kind of felt like I did like this, like just kind of bowed my head. And so here we are. You know, I get to talk about God and it was amazing because I was so excited today because I delight in talking about God, and God delights when we talk about God. So the reading that I was inspired to start my share because I always know where I'm going to start. I know how I am. I never quite know what goes on in the middle, and that's a good thing because I don't like to really be present. So on page 104 of the 12 and 12, it says, in AA, we have found that the actual good results of prayer are beyond question. They are matters of knowledge and experience. All those who have persisted have found strength not ordinarily their own. They have found wisdom beyond their usual capability, and they have increasingly found a peace of mind which can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances. And I'm just delighted when I can read a passage and I can actually identify with that feeling and what they're saying. The concept of God is not new to me. I went to Catholic school 13 years, including kindergarten. And I had parents that tried to instill spiritual principles, but I wasn't having none of it. I used to think that circumstances made me drink, but I realized that I didn't have horrific experiences like I hear some of my brothers and sisters in AA have experienced. But the thing I have in common with them is what I felt the same way on the inside that they did. And I felt that way on the inside from when I was a young kid. And so like all of us, we found this power in alcohol, you know, the spirit with the small S. I remember I was sitting in a crack den because I have a lot of drugs in my story. I thought it was an alcoholic because he, I thought I was an addict because alcohol never let me tell the truth about it. I remember when I went to a therapeutic community before I came into AA, they asked me how much I drank. And I said, I don't drink that much. So that's my thinking when it comes to alcohol. And, um, I remember I said to myself, the only thing I had not tried was God. I remember saying that sitting with the stem in my hand, but I didn't know how to get to God. Going to church seems real foreign, picking up the Bible seemed just as foreign. So I did absolutely nothing. And I continue to do what I continue to do. I'm very grateful. I didn't come into AA right away. I went to a TC and while I was in a TC, I went to AA because they were going to close this particular house down and that was the only place they would let us go. See, 20 years separated from alcohol, I get an opportunity to look at my life with God. and I realized that God led me to a man and woman in Harlem who had a big book workshop I had been in AA for a couple of months and I heard two types of shares I heard people that were using AAS therapy and I hear people share in a manner in which I wasn't feeling that way because I was about to graduate from this place and I didn't know what I just did that was going to keep me sober see the crazy thing is is that I didn' t realize that the 18 months I was in this TC, a thought of a drink had never occurred. So I look back on it now and I realize, well, that wasn't my problem. My problem was how the hell do I go back and live? See, I was 40 something years old. I ain't had a pot to piss in. My mother had changed the locks on the house and see, I'm also 40 something year old thinking there's nothing wrong with living at home. See, that's how prideful I was. And so a woman asked me, was I willing to go to any length never to drink again? And see, I had been hearing in the meetings, just don't drink for today. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, I got to go home now and I got to watch for this drink every day. Still, it didn't dawn on me that that wasn't a problem because their problem had been taken care of. See, when I realized the miracle that God has already done in and through me, why wouldn't I want more of this God? See, I never thought that I had any, it was all me. Because even the day before I went to the TC, how did I know to go in the phone book and look for detox? How did I known when I went into this TC and one of the counselors gave me an NA book and it wasn't a 12 step program. And another counselor gave me a big book. It's this big book that I still have today. Well, I just use the four words because I use the study guide and that big book has fallen apart. And then God leads me to Loretta in Sydney who met Joe Hawk in Harlem. And I swear to God, I couldn't wait to meet this woman every week because I finally got to understand what my problem was. See, I was introduced to the 12 steps as a way to lead me to God. I'm grateful for every spiritual giant that has been in my life because their role was to do one thing, to get me on a path to lead my life. To lead me into God. It wasn't about knowledge. Don't get me wrong. I learned a lot of stuff in the reading. and so i was convinced it's like okay well i'm not drinking so i don't know how to live i always needed a power and so I started you know when we say the set-aside prayer we ask God to please set aside everything we think we know and let us see what we need to see let us have a new experience I also write in my big book I come to this knowing nothing with an open mind knowing nothing I know nothing and God starts revealing himself to me, it might be a word. See, in the spiritual experience, they tell me what I bring to the deal. I just bring willingness, open-mindedness, and honesty. And those three words don't have the power to create change. But see, God's grace meets that. And then God does what God does in and through me and in spite of me. I'm doing spiritual exercises. And I'm asking God, please reveal to me what I need to see. And names are coming up on a resentment that I wasn't even thinking about. So that's when my willingness to believe got bigger. My willingness to belief turned into faith and then turned into trust. i realized that god was preparing me to be of service to him see the god that created me see i didn't earn my seat here because the way i was living i wouldn't earn much but god loves us so much he just waits for us to want and need him enough and i can just imagine the god of my understanding smiling as i'm running around trying to do this trying to do that trying to do this shaking his head going look at my poor child she only knew i'm here so my god waited a very long time until i wanted and needed him enough and it was that grace on that hot day of august 5th that was the beginning that was the miracle and so now i'm working these 12 steps and i'm starting to feel some hope i never felt hope and i only read with this woman once a week but it was it was what was happening to me in between those Saturdays. See, now I'm still in this TC and I get a job. See I was unemployable and the jobs I was going for were jobs that kept me around booze. And it says here that they have found wisdom beyond their usual capacity and strength not ordinarily their own. to me the biggest gift I got in this program is the ability to be that that word is just two letters of the alphabet but it took me a journey to get here and see I was able to see the truth and the lie and who I was not because see my thinking oh that's another thing see I didn't want to sit around and rely on my thinking because my thinking lies you know when I get up in the morning and I'm before I'm done I'm going to share my current spiritual exercises because it changes see before I was awakened I didn't, had no interest in spiritual books and behind me. And I have another bookshelf. All of a sudden I couldn't get enough. I remember Rashid used to another spiritual giant too bad he passed away. This brother. Oh my God. See God. I don't know how, you know, I always say I couldn'T have found these people on my own. You know, then I found Adrian, Adrian and I were so different. adrian's an irish cat i worked with adrian and then i found a wonderful al-anon woman because seven years in i went in a relationship and all of a sudden i realized oh wait a minute donna god is here to manage all areas your life you don't get to manage the relationship and it turned into a big box of crazy and i realized that my god wasn't big enough and i was willing to go to any length again and i was living in harlem and this woman was living in staten island i was getting taken two trains and the ferry to meet with her and see i know my mind doesn't want to die you know when it says in in the lord's prayer lead us from temptation and deliver us from the evil one. I used to hear Rasheed say evil one, and I googled it, and it's interchangeable, evil and evil one so when I say the Lord's Prayer even you know at the end of a meeting if you listen closely you'll hear Donna say deliver me from the evil ones. See because if I don't watch and they give us clear-cut directions of what I need to do number one i can't rest on my laurels because either i'm moving close to the god or the god with the small g which i call the god of fantasy becomes big and so when i wake up before my feet hit the ground i'm in prayer i just talk to god you know he's our newfound friend how do you get to know a friend you spend time with your friend because when i hit put my feet on the ground i don't know what this thing is going to start telling me because i don t get up and go straight to sit and pray and meditate i have uh three cats that i am in charge of so i need to take care of them and it's amazing with with my cats i see how much god loves us because i've got three and they all have three different personalities sammy can't get enough for me and sammy gets so much of my love the other two they don't let me hold them but guess what i still love them. And I'm always reminded of God and us. Even if we don't acknowledge God or need God, he still loves us because when we come to him, he's still there. Because that's how I am with Phoebe and Sissy. They come to me when they want to, but doesn't mean I love them any less. So I get an opportunity. It may sound kind of weird, but that's an analogy I've been noticing lately with me and my pets. You know, it says we watch, and we turn, and we ask. So willingness, open mindedness, honesty, then I get to watch, then i get to turn. Then I get to ask God for whatever I need in that moment because see if I don't watch and turn there's a lower power that hopes I don' watch and turned because if I don't turn to God guess what that little ember of a thought will take me down a rabbit hole and all of a sudden I can't see anything good in my life One of the meditation books I read today mentioned, they use an analogy of an ember. You know, like I'm sitting around a campfire and a spark gets on my shirt. Well, if I don't put it out right away, it can't grow. But if I let that fire keep burning a hole in my sweater, it grows. And that's what happens if I don't turn and turn away from that negative thought. It grows. I can get up in the morning, and this is my best thinking. It's a cloudy day, and my thinking tells me it's going to be a crappy day because the sun's not out. Now, what kind of crap is that? The only truth is the sun'S not out! so I've learned not to rely on the lies of my thinking mind there's two things God wants me to do rely on him and be of service to him rely on him and being a service to them so I mentioned all these spiritual giants that God put in my path what God was doing was preparing me so I can be of service to him. So since the first year I came into AA 20 years ago, God has been sending me multiple people to work with. I remember the first time I said, Loretta, what am I going to do? She said, if you're a page ahead, you can work with them. See, because my mind tells me that I don't know there's a big book enough. Other people are better than me. Other people are better than me. But I know if I trust and rely on God, God will share through me what I need to share. And sometimes when I know that I have to read with a group, I ask them, okay, what page are we on? See, because I purposely don't want to prepare. And I go through this big book and I don't say the same thing twice. i know i have evidence of what god has done in my life see i don't get caught up in the gifts because i got a lot of gifts i used to be financially so oh fear fear fear i'm semi-retired and i have no financial insecurity today see i get off on thanking the giver of the gifts and it's true we don't have to pray for ourselves as long as I'm being a service to God my needs are taken care of I don't need to pray I don' t have to pray what I do pray is show me how I can be of service a better service because I do that on my job now here it is I'm coming out of a TC this is why I know God does everything for me because I get a job that takes me around the country. I'm an executive assistant. I know a lot of executive assistants, but I don't know too many that are traveling across the country with the board of directors. I didn't get myself that job. And the only way I can do that job is because now my reaction and outlook to life is different. Now I'm a worker amongst workers. I'm not trying to do the Fred Flintstone at five o'clock time to get out. What can I do to help? Also being uncomfortable. Oh, I don't want to be uncomfortable. See, uncomfortable is not a bad thing. Because it makes me rely on God. And sometimes I cling to this power. See, to me, it's not the entity. It's not that I'm uncomfortable. It's the name. It's what I call the power of the entity It's the power, God. Because like I told you early on, I always needed a power. It was booze. It was drugs. But my life was falling apart and I couldn't rely on my thinking because I'm losing apartments and I'm quitting jobs before I get fired and self isn't protecting me. Self isn't letting me see the truth and all of that. that's why when I write inventory, I always say this is not a three-way, me, my mind, and God. Because see, all of a sudden, my mind wants to show up when I'm doing the work to help me. You can't help me in any other manner, but when I'm dealing stuff with God, you want me to question what I'm writing? That's why I tell people, when you write, you say a prayer. When your pen stops writing, you're done, and you close out in prayer, and you thank God for letting you see truth and you keep it moving. I don't let my mind say, oh, what about this? What about that? All of a sudden now it wants to be a help. I very recently had an opportunity to really experience what it's like not to know and be okay. That's another thing. See what God I can not know and don't need to know, don't have to know. And for three months during COVID, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with my job. I'm a certified life coach. I didn'T know whatI was supposedto do with that. And I realized, but you know what, Donna? You don't knowwhat you're supposed to d, but you're okay. See, when I'm in my thinking, I can't see anything that's okay. The problem becomes the problem. And I remember, you know, I have a place in my apartment where I sit and throughout the day I would go sit in this chair. And I was giving it all to God. I'm like, God, if you don't if you want me to stay on this job and not leave this job, and if you Don't Want Me To Coach, just have it all. And I just went about my business and every time I felt the uncomfortability, I'd sit and talk with God. I'm like that bag lady, the homeless lady that walks down the street talking to herself. That's how I am with God. I don't care. And I wasn't getting any answer and I just kept showing up. The first week in November, I get a call from the CEO for my job. They terminated my position and I thanked her and I started crying. And I said, you don't understand. for about three months I realized that I wanted to leave and work for myself but any scenario I had played out I didn't feel comfortable and every scenario that played out left me leaving with no cash and relying on my savings and so yeah I'm addicted to direct deposit every two weeks so it was hard for me to like leave that alone and so when she fired me I thanked her and I said you know what I realized I wasn't supposed to do anything because the scenario that God had in store for me is that now I get unemployment and this woman had never had anybody thank them for firing her but that was one of those things it was not clear what to do if I don't do I don' t do and so what who am i being i'm being trusting i'm realizing that i am okay i just don't know this one area i'm gonna go this is a something that came in my meditation today this is why you know i see how many people on this call to see i don't i things don't make me as afraid as they used to make me afraid but it says trust me with every fiber of your being well every fiber means pretty much every fiber right what i can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on me see if god is everything that means that i'm nothing without god and i'm going to walk through um let me just i put a timer on my phone because i didn't even start it ali how much time do i have 15 minutes 15 yeah okay so like i said i i i have different gone have different practices and there have been times that i have let up on my spiritual life you know i'm not perfect you know I can get caught up at work and all of a sudden you knowIi got to zip out the house I can't sit still. And all of a sudden, I started feeling that self-pity. It was all about worrying about me. You know, I'm an athlete and I had injured my knee. So I'm worried about my knee, I'm word about retirement. And I'm like, uh, too much self going on here. so i took myself to a meeting and i knew what to do this program has taught me get connected again you know i had been working with i only had one sponsee at the time and so i've always been working mitzvahs but my spiritual life wasn't like it should have been. And my meeting attendance wasn't like it should have. So I go to this meeting and I share. I share four more meetings. What resulted was nine people sitting around my dining room table, and I'm taking them through the work. And I remember sitting there going, okay, God, I got you. This is what you want from me. The things that I was so worried about. They took care of themselves, and I don't even, I'm not even conscious of how they take care of themself. All I know is it's not a big deal. I'm não estou se preocupando, eu não estou focando nisso. Então, minha prática de meditação de manhã hoje e, você sabe, qualquer experiência que eu tive com Deus, any past experience that's like yesterday's ham sandwich that's yesterday's experience like what's my experience now today see because I can't hold on to what it did you know I was real excited when I first came into work oh I was so excited I was on fire but how do I take that being on fire and turn belief in God into total reliance because believing in God and relying on God is two different things they don't say that I try to manage these principles they say I humbly ask God to show me how to be because I don't know the first thing about practicing God's principles see because when I put my feet on the floor it's not a it's not God's principles if I've always been impatient my life I don't know the first thing about patience and dishonesty oh Lord have mercy I don' t know about you guys but I remember because I wanted you to like me and I wanted to think I was this great big such a much I would lie and I would actually hear myself and see myself lying it was like the line i was out of control with that so i had to be shown how to be honest and some defects are very easy like god can remove those and i always say that god gives us all gifts and strengths see now i get an opportunity to be who god intended me to be see people have always found me attractive I've never found myself attractive because it was always something I was focusing on to make me feel unattractive I couldn't stand in a room by myself because in fear somebody would walk up to me so I was so selfish if I was going to a party I would wait till all my friends got there first than I would show up just so I wouldn't have to stand by myself and I'd have people that I can walk up to. See, now I could walk in a room and I can just stand in a room. And I don't have to talk to people for me to be okay to have mindless conversations because I was fearful. I was fearful of walking up to people and fearful of walking away from people. Fearful of what you might be saying when I'm coming up to you and fearful of what you might be saying when I walk away. What kind of life is that? That's not the life God wants me to have. He didn't remove the problem of alcohol and drugs for me to still live in a small life. The God that created me recreates me. And then I can show up how he intended for me to show up. You know, it says we become intelligent agents, The spirit has leading his everlasting creation. Wow, sounds like he wants us to work on his behalf. And see, if God is all knowledge and I'm relying on God, I become intelligent. I can do his work. It's not Donna. It's the gospel according to Donna. And I tell you more and more and I want more and more of God. So I start my day, I say the set-aside prayer. See, I pray and then I get still. And to me, prayer is a petition. It's asking. It's thanking. And then I say the third step prayer. Because what do we do? We're offering all of God. See, when I was going through the work for codependency, I realized that I was half-stepping with that. I want you to have all of me because I was holding on to the relationship. And that was real deep for me when I realized that. And thank God I had that experience because now I get to work with Al-Anon women. Go figure. I got more women to work with, more men to work with. So no No experience can't be of use when you're working on behalf of God. He'll use whatever experience you've gone through to be of service. And see, the cool thing about being a service is that it's none of our business who he sends. My job right here, right now, is to share. And I don't know who of all these people on this call is hearing what they need to hear. And I trust that whatever I've said is hitting somebody. So after I say the third step prayer, now I got to prepare myself for meditation. What's my attention? Is my attitude one of prayerful attention or am I just going through the motions because I get this out the way? I got five minutes. Let me just rush through this. You know, honesty. Why am I really sitting down here this morning with God? And what is my purpose? What is my purpose of this prayer? One is to improve my conscious contact with God. The other is to enhance my usefulness to others. And the third is to develop humility which makes it possible to receive God's help. See, the more I spend time with God and less in my mind, I can receive God. I can get God's hope. Because once this thing back, I had my Al-Anon sponsor used to say, God, please crush my ego into little pieces so it's harder to rebuild. You know, willingness, When there's willingness, there's forward movement. When there is forward movement, there is momentum. When there are momentum, there are commitment. And that's how I like to go through this work. Just keep it moving. Keep it moving Then I ask, well, who is God as I understand this God? In this moment, this morning. Is he everything? Is he all knowledge? Is he all power? Is he all love and is he all presence? And I sit with that. And if I could answer yes to all that, well, how big am I? I ain't very big at all. And see, I'm okay with that. See, because my best thinking wound me up in the therapeutic community at the age of 43 so god is everything and do i believe that god is deep down inside of me well if i believe god is deep down aside of me why do i keep wanting to look outside of myself for for comfort see because that's where i thought i needed to find my comfort that's why i used to blame everybody because i thought i needed all these external things in my life to be okay, and it wasn't enough. I remember the guy that I was with when I was back crazy said, Donna, no matter what I do wouldn't be enough, and I didn't want to hear that because I was convinced, no, you just have to treat me a little better, and then I'll be okay. So whatever external thing I wanted in my left, it wasn' t going to be enough because that's not where my problem was. My problem is on the inside, And I grew up as a kid with the problem being on the inside. They say the nervous disposition in the big book, look up the word nervous, unsteady, uneasy, jumpy, excitable. That was me before I picked up a drink and it's me after a drink if I try to rely on myself. So yes, I believe God is inside. so then i ask god to direct my thinking especially divorce it from motives of selfishness self-seeking self-pity resentment fear and dishonesty motive that was my middle name i always had a motive manipulator was also my middle me. So God, divorce, divorce means to separate it, remove it. And please clear my thinking of wrong motives. So now we've got some more motives you've got to look at. So I think about the 24 hours ahead. What will I do? And it's okay to think about it. I, and I, and i also have my day planner so after i do my meditation i write my plan or what i want to get done i consider my plans who will i be how do i wantto show up what what what kind of human being because you were part of the human race now we entered the world of the spirit which enables us to connect with the universe. And see, it's funny, we enter the world of the spirit and we want to enter and try to control that. Now I know three dimensions, physical, mental, emotional. The fourth dimension of existence, I have no clue what that is. But I still want to be prideful and want to be in the world of the spirit and still want to control stuff. It's just like I come to your house. I come to Ali's house. I got to wait for Ali to tell me where to put my coat. I gotta wait for Alito tell me where I should sit. I gotta wait for Ali to ask me what I want to have for a drink. When I do that, the same thing when I walk into the world of the Spirit, that's God's Spirit. That's God's world. I need to follow God's directions. I don't come in here like gangbuster, like I'm this great big Willie Bobo. What is my vision for God's will? Not Donna's will, not Donna's vision. How can I best serve thee? Remember two things. We rely on him and we're of service to him. How can I be of service? And then indecision, please give me inspiration and intuitive thought or a decision. Help me relax and take it easy to stop struggling. I do that all through the day. And see, sometimes I have no music in my apartment. I could never not have anything to distract me. See, God just recently removed the obsession to smoke. And see, I realized, smoking was separating me from God because before I would do anything, I go smoke a cigarette. Before I started to do something at work, now that I'm working from home, I'll go smoke cigarette. And I realized, you know what? A lot of these times, I would do that to get myself prepared. Now, and I'm telling you, God's removed the obsession to smoke. See, that was the biggest thing for me. I couldn't stop thinking about a cigarette, and i don't think about a cigarette anymore. Thank you, god. Now before I prepare to do something, I don't go to something else. I go to God. I'm about to do something and my mind tells me it's going to be hard. So I ask God's help. God, please, please show me how to stay disciplined and give me the strength to get this done. And you'd be amazed how much I get done during the day. And I'm in semi-retirement and I get a lot more done because I'm starting a new business. You would think at 64, or I'd be taking it easy, but I still want to help as many people as I helped. That's why I became a coach. And then it's only with God's help because I couldn't be this discipline. And then I select some inspirational or informal reading. Again, all these books I got. I remember I bought a Bible, a study bible when i first was awakened i would sit on the express bus with this big old bible and a highlighter and i'm just reading the bible i went to catholic school see i was always suspect to catholic school because they gave us the catechism so i thought there was hiding something like what's up we don't get a bible so i i was always like suspect. But see, we don't have to be suspect about a higher power NAA because we get to see the recovered alcoholic. That's why we show up. You know, it says we go to go to sorted places where we can be of service. And some of those sorted places can be some AA meetings because there's some sick AA meetings. I remember Rashid said, you can't be sitting in big book meetings all the time, girlfriend. You got to be sitting in some of these middle-of-the-road AA meetings and start sharing. Because for every one of you on this call, there's 10 other alcoholics that have not heard the message. that's where we need to be, here and there. This is the one place, back to this reading, in AA we found that actual good results of prayer beyond question. Not in Catholic school for me, not my parents, not my grandmother. And they talked about God. But it was in hear because they didn't tell me what this God had to be and what did he have to look like they left it up to me and God started revealing himself we grow in knowledge and experience I get to know God's power and I get to know what it's like when I don't rely on the power because Sometimes that's just as powerful. And experience, I get to experience God. And I get You know, I look back and it's just amazing to me. God led me here. You know I also try to be as humble as I can, you know, because you know my ego don't like to hear a whole lot of praise because it wants to start taking credit for shit, and it was like. I tell you, willing to go to any length does not mean stop at step four. Does not mean don't make your amends. Does not means not praying and meditating throughout the day. Ask for help. you know, it's interesting about prayer. Like when I pray, I don't pray like I don'T believe God's power is enough. I pray more about my problem. See, cause I know God's going to be there for me because he wouldn't have saved me from the lash of alcohol. if he was going to just let me live my life. I do turn to God every time there's something that I can't handle. And that's pretty much all day. Especially when there's days when I don't have like a set schedule. Sometimes I really don't know how to spend my day. and that's when I'm like okay what am I supposed to do it's okay to admit if you don't know well you know we it's like it's so crazy like we look at our lives and we didn't do listen I'll keep it on the high I did a crappy job living in the world of self so I don't have any I don' t need to understand how this works I don''t need to know these things before I'm willing to believe in God I don'T have to have the look for this sponsor and that sponsor because it's not the sponsor God works through that person that's working with you if they've had an experience thank you Donna beautiful Teresa come on up please vanna come on up please hi donna thank you for your service and thanks for coming out um you mentioned when you but you went to a meeting and you shared and you were you ended up sitting around with six uh people reading the book so i have two years and um and i'm i'm pretty active in meetings and i'm active about theresa's my sponsor and i'M ACTIVE IN THAT AND UM AND UM I SEEM TO I DON'T HAVE I HAVEN'T BEEN WELL I DONT WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE I'M TAKING IT PERSONAL BECAUSE THERE ARE SOMETIMES THAT I THINK THAT THERE ARE AT TIMES I TAKE IT PERONAL WHEN OKAY NO MY QUESTION my question is one do you sponsor men how and if you do what are the boundaries that you keep with the men um because I seem to only have had male sponsors so far um that have called me all the time um and it's worked out i mean it's worked out great they're they're great but um so i just i guess that's the question the question is do you do you sponsor men and how has that experience been for you as a woman sponsoring a man thank you hi vanna uh thank you yes um i've never heard it or written men with men women with women um And I have a message I can carry and I've gone, I work with men and I also, I've taken men through the work and men have taken me through the world. I had powerful fifth steps with the two men that took me through to work because it was very humbling to share on the things that I was going to take to the grave. so i don't have a problem working with men or they haven't had a problem working with me because it's all about leading them to god that's it no ulterior motive it's not about 13 stepping um it's about leading people of god thank you vonna sandy b come on up please hi there my name is sandy i'm with the whip the serenity group and i am an alcoholic it's great to be here thank you so much Donna for your beautiful message of recovery I wanted to ask you a question you mentioned about belief in God versus reliance on God and I was just wanting to know did was there a specific instance or situation that led you to sort of have that aha moment and, or was it more gradual? And are there certain things that you can identify that are telling you this is, I'm not fully relying on God. I'm holding back. You know, I remember the first time I went through the work, I was doing the fear inventory and this was after I had taken the third step prayer and I, and I was willing to believe and i realized what was about to happen and i was doing my fear list and i realized wow i was afraid to let go and it was my first honest prayer um and again i had gone to catholic school in my life and it by way of a conversation and i said you know god i feel like i'm on a cliff high up on a Cliff and i'm about to jump. And I just need to know that you're going to catch me. And that was honesty. When my belief turned into faith, as I was going through the work and I was writing it really when I was writing inventory, when I would say the set aside prayer, God set aside everything I think I know and let me see what I need to see who I need To see that I'm resentful for and what was coming up I didn't believe was coming from my thinking mind like my first inventory kindergarten came up I'm like kindergarten and so I was willing to believe that God was answering me when I did my sex inventory I thought I knew every name that was going to be on the sheet and the first name was a name that I hadn't thought about. So I was willing to believe that God was showing me what was blocking me from God, because God knows what's blocking me from him. I don't know what's locking me from God. And so as I was doing the work, my willingness to believe got bigger and bigger. When I knew I wasn't totally relying when I got sick because of codependency, and I realized what happens when I don't let God manage everything. And then when the obsession was removed, I had a deep experience with God and again my willingness to believe got more firmly turned into faith and more reliance. I hope that answered the question. Thank you, Sandy. Howard S., come on up please. Yes. Hi, I'm Howard and I'm an alcoholic. Donna, thank you so much for your share. I can relate to so many different things. The question that I wanted to ask you was when you were talking about feeling God inside of you, can you elaborate on that a little bit? Did it happen at a certain point or a certain event that took place in your life? Because something happened to me and you just, I don't hear that talked about a lot in meetings. And I'm a little timid to actually bring it up because of where I'm feeling inside. So if you could share on that, I'd really appreciate it. I had a very powerful, I've had quite a few for an absence of time. I'll bring up one um it was right after I had um done my first fifth step and I was able to um I did a a list of my character defects and it was a laundry list oh my god laundry list of crap and I realized well this is the best I can do living my life on self and then I had a list of some of the, lack of a better term, good qualities. And I looked at the shorter list and I realized that that was God's intention for me, not what I became living life on self. And I remember at the time my sponsor, I heard him say, you are rendered speechless. And my head dropped to the table and I wept. I've never wept before. and I don't know how long I was weeping but when I raised my head I said I don t know I said, I had no idea. That was my first real deep experience with this power and another time was another fifth step. Again, I shared all with my sponsor who was a male at the time and when we were done, I remember and you know it's very hard to share an experience from my mind because, you know, it doesn't emanate from my mind. So it's hard to really explain it. But I remember I felt this peace come over me and I never, and I didn't want it to, I didn'T want to leave it. And I remember, I wanted to let Adrian know what I was feeling, but I didn'T want to interfere. AndI remember I just sat there in this place that felt so comforting, and I never wanted to leave it. And that was a real experience. So because of situations like that throughout my 20 years, I just, like, what is there to doubt? So I hope I shared, Howard, for lack of time. Thank you, Howard. Thank you. Donna. Gus, come on up, please. Thank you! Can you guys hear me okay? You're good. Awesome. Hi, I'm Gus. I'm an addict in Brooklyn. Thank you so much for your service, Donna and everyone else doing service here. My question is about the word selfishness and how it comes up in my inventory and I've gone on autopilot. I feel like when I'm doing my inventories I'm like, yeah, yeah I was selfish for sure because I know I am but I'm having trouble with what this word means and what it looks like in action and so I'm wondering if you could talk a little bit about what your experience is with that as a defect and how it crops up because the Google dictionary version is not cutting it from my brain right now. So, and I know it's true of me. I'm not trying to shirk any responsibility here. Well, selfishness for me turns up when I think that situations and people's behavior should be the way I want it to be. And then I start judging from there. I start, I had a recent situation where jealousy, not jealousy, selfishness had cropped up and I realized, wait a minute, that's just based on your belief. These people don't have to show up the way you want them to show up and selfishness is sometimes that's that's the biggest thing for me how i want things how i think things should be this is not the world of donna you know but sometimes i i think that you know my mind wants to think that it has to show up the way i envision things thank you guys rafael come on up please rafel g hi family my name is rafal and i'm a grateful recovering alcoholic and drug addict hello everyone so happy to be here donna it was amazing i'm right here from brooklyn and just to know that you're in the same area with me i'm just excited you know you came through with all that love with all that humility but that humility you showed how God works through you you know that power that God is and it's just amazing because to start this new year you know there's something like I needed you know a spiritual banquet you know. That's what I got tonight so happy that that uh that you're here and that all of us we get to enjoy we get to be part of this wonderful you know new life that we live you know and you're like right up there in the in the ones that we we need to see people like you out there living and talking about god and and just living god you know and uh you came through so powerful to me i really like i said i appreciate it and what did i ask you about you read something that said trust with every fiber of your being who are you reading from jesus is calling okay and you know it's interesting because um i have to have an open mind when i read this because even though i you know was raised catholic um you know because of the work i did in aa i refer to my higher power as god um but i could read this with an open mind and um still read a book jesus is calling because it's all about the power you know it's it's an awesome book jesus calling by sarah young thank you rafael always good to see you uh joyce r joyce roach that says come on up please joyce did you say hi jerry that's you yeah come on up you're up go ahead oh okay all right now i want to get to understand and i heard somebody say this alcoholic and somebody say an addict now what is what is the group this is an open yeah this is an open AA meeting was that your question thank you thank you so much my name is Joyce and I'm an alcoholic it's my first time coming on someone gave me the ID earlier today and wrote it down because I like to change around you know since we're on the zoom I have to walk and do dress and this that and the other well we got a dress but i want to thank donna for sharing her strength experience and hope and at at the end as you were being asked different questions um i was so glad you mentioned the 13th step because i've learned when different things are said in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous and then you don't hear them no more because there's no truth to it. Because I learned from a guy in the room that the truth and a lie can't live in the same place. Oh boy, that was 1973. And I also learned in the book where it says that God is the arbitrator of people's sex life. I learned that in 2006 when I went to speak in Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, for a women's luncheon. And we stayed with the young lady that had put my name in. We was myself and my sponsee. Took a plane too. And we were going through different things in the books because she would say, well, y'all, I got to get y'al in a hotel. I said, no, no-no-no, if you don't mind, we'd rather stay here in her place. So when I learn different things and they stay with me, I know that I learned, oh my God, I've learned so much at different times that the truth never changes. people, places and things that's in the book they let us know about that to learn how to stay away once we learn what we're trying to do for ourselves learning how to stay away from the first drink and then learn howto stay stopped plus the door swing both ways I came in the year Bill died Bill W he passed January 24th 1971 I came in August the 14th, 1971. And when I came in, there was no detoxes. The people that was there, the old timers were in Creedmoor, Central Islip, Pilgrim State. They had been in institutions. And then years later, one of the gentlemen that started the Co-op City Group and the Mid-Holland Group, they went to Governor Kerry. And I've learned also when I want to find out something, call General Service or go to Google. It all depends on what word or whatever I'm trying to find out because General Service has all of the archives when AA started. Would you mind wrapping it up, please? I got a few more hands for questions. if you don't mind please I got just a few minutes left oh that's okay but I'm glad to be on and I'm glad to hear Donna and I am glad that we are here for ourselves four step I don't know the book I don' t mimic the book where God keeps things in my head and dictates to me what I need to say so I want to thank y'all for being here for yourselves and i'll thank myself for being here for myself thank you so much god bless all right miss loretta tk come on up please hi i'm lorette i'm an alcoholic um thank you donald because um i really really enjoyed just sharing everything and um i don't really have a question i just wanted to thank donald for um sharing and helping me with my 11 step tonight thank you thank you miss loretta michelle a come on up please thank you good evening i'm michelle i'm a grateful recovering alcoholic from new jersey hi thank you so much donna for sharing your experience strength and hope I have been in search of 11-step meetings. I host an 11-stepp prayer meditation meeting. It's all prayer meditation with a speaker, and I really received a lot from you this evening. Two things. I'm glad that you mentioned about saying the set-aside prayer and the third-step prayer prior to setting for your meditation. I never thought to do that. But I often recall whenever I did any work with my sponsor, we always did the step aside prayer. And I'm also happy to hear you say that you're not always on your game with your spiritual work. You know, you don't always get up in the mornings and meditate. And I really needed to hear that because I really have to be have grace with myself when I when I stray, when I'm not consistent with my work. and what is it um everything else that you already have in order to become more consistent with setting aside that time to sit and meditate um in the mornings and also do you meditate in the evenings on those days that you don't do it in the morning well you know the day when i stop when i stop my my prayer and meditation life i see a stark contrast in how my day goes so there's no bad experience either i'm gonna have a wonderful experience with god and then i'm going to have an experience what it's like not relying on god and that will lead me back to god so i don't say that when i fall short it's a bad thing it lets me see that i'm human it lets us see how limited i am when i'm relying on self um just i don'T KNOW LATELY SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT IN MY LIFE I DON'T KNOW WHETHER because my runway in life is getting shorter and I feel a peace that I have never felt before and because I'm starting a whole new chapter that I need God because I don't know the first thing about what to do in semi-retirement. This is a whole New Game for me so I have to ask God how I manage my day because I am not going to somebody's job. So my reliance is real, real right now. And because I stopped smoking, I'm telling you, I had to, every time that thought came, I have to go to God and I realized, well, I love having problems. I love Having challenges, because it forces me. so yeah i'm just i i don't know i'm i'm in a in a different plane these days i don' t know what it is but i'm not complaining i hope i answered your question thank you miss uh there's no more hands up but i have one last question from chat that one of our co-hosts picked out and sent to me and oh from cincinnati donna thank you so much what is your form of meditation that you use in a on a daily basis what is my what what form of meditation do you most use on a daily basis that's the question um well i went through some of it but i did a lot of like commentary um you know set aside prayer third step prayer um i pretty much follow what's written in the big book and i read a spiritual reading. And my reflection is for the rest of the day, be present to the presence of God. Allow the spirit to guide my thoughts and to speak to my heart and my soul. And that's what I do throughout the day. And in conclusion, asking God to show me, show me all through the day what my next step is to be. Give me knowledge. Give me whatever I need to take care of tasks and problems. Give Me your power. Please, God, especially free me from self-will. Please God give me freedom. Please. God show me the way of patience tolerance kindness and love. God please give me one. Please god allow today's work to provide an opportunity to be useful and helpful. What can I do today for the person who was still sick god please give me the spirit of service and then i close out with the seven step prayer and i say amen and i go through my day constantly watching and turning you got to continue to watch thank you for the question anna thank you donna just wondering if there's anything that you want to close out we've got a few minutes we have no hands up we usually give the speaker uh opportunity to close out if anything that comes to them um no i this has just been an honor whoever um gave you my name ali i want to thank them um you know i think god has provided me you know he put the people in my path i couldn't have found them i couldn'T HAVE FOUND LORETTA I COULDN'T HAVE FOUNDS SEED I COOULDN'T FOUND ADRIAN I COouldn'T HAVE found Lorraine. And all they did was put me on a path that led me to God so I can be here and not only share with you, there's a few people that I work with that are on this call. I want to say hey to them. And just to tell people, just be willing to go to any length. And you don't have to try to understand the power because our minds are limited. We can't understand what we can't understand. So we just have to experience God. So that's all I got.