Prayer and Meditation – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 10 of 25 – Gloria B.

I'm a real alcoholic and addict, and by the grace of a loving God and a lot of prayer and meditation, I am here today. And for that, I'm eternally grateful. You know, speaking is something that I really have to kind of warm up to. I have people that know me, know that I'm really not a social butterfly. I'm just not. But when people see me outside of my you know, when I'm out at the conventions or the meetings, I got this smile and everything. And they like, wow, she's so sociable. She's a social butterfly. And I believe my sponsor or my some of my sponsee sisters and they start laughing. And they like, they just don't know what it takes for you to get out of the house. Takes a lot of prayer and meditation for me to get out of house for me, to even just to get on, on zoom. I like to be out of the way. I think I want to say Carl, Carl M said, I'm, I'm a scream looking. I always feel like a scream, looking for a mouth. You know, I I'm really comfortable with them. My own skin. I just found out that I was introverted, and that's okay. There are some people that aren't that way once they get inside. So there you have it. So I'd like to thank you, Teresa, for inviting me here. I am pure alcoholic, and I forget this is an AA meeting, but I got involved in a lot of party favors. So let's just say that, okay? But that alcohol, let me tell you, that alcohol is something else. So, let me just give you a rundown before I even knew how to pray and everything, and then I'll lead you up into the prayer meditation. I grew up in church, meaning my grandfather was a minister on both sides, and my grandmothers were Jesus's. One had to be his mother, and the other one must have been his sister. I don't know. They were as spiritual as they come, as religious. Let me tell you that. They were very religious. And through their religion, I thought that was spirituality. So I tried to be them and at least try to be my grandmothers. But it was really my grandfather that set the tone for my life with his spirituality along with the religion. I came up in a time of severe civil unrest. I know, you know, I look maybe 30, 40, 57 at least. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. But no, okay. I forgot this on this program. I'm 65 years old in a couple of months and I'll be 66. So I came up in a time of civil unrest, So I saw a lot of things, but I had a lot of hope. And it was because of my grandfather. So I went to church six days a week. On the seventh day, I was cleaning it. And that's all I did for the most part until the racism and everything was really rampant in Alabama. So my mother just loaded up the truck and we moved on up here to Beverly Hills, that is. Swimming pools, movie stars, right? But there was a time here that I found out the real truth. In the South, you know what people think. There is not a doubt in your mind what people think and in California, you just don't know until you know because it just looks different and so I didn't know that. I knew the hatred of the South but I thought my mother was moving us up north because we wouldn't experience that. But I experienced more racism and prejudice in California than I ever had in my life. I don't know the Zoom doesn't do us real justice. So it shows a little light plus the lighting we have here. But I'm of the super darker persuasion. You know, there's no light scan going on. um and so uh to uh uh and I love me let's not let me make it make you assure that but in the races there is a lot of uh within the black race there's a lot racism light skinned black long hair short hair nappy whatever so anyway I but I was still cool I was still cool. I kind of found out you know I played the first string violin I you know sang in the choir when we got to California you know I was good little girl you know a good little church girl and my teacher I was really smart I went to school overseas because my grandpa my father was in the service and so by the time I came to fellow California I was third or fourth grade and I was kind of excelled you know I knew handwriting and all this kind of stuff and my teach walked by and she called me and you guys i don't want to offend anybody because this is my story uh she walked past me and she told me you're an uppity little nigger aren't you and i like yes ma'am you know in in tell you i was a dumb door to you you you see that already right uh in alabama you're colored or negro on my birth certificate it says negro there was no uh i guess the slang nigga you know so I wasn't hip to that, it didn't sound like nothing I had ever heard, you know, he was always negro colored, so I thought I had been complimenting, and so I ran home, and I, you know, I was almost singing a song, you Know, I'm a little nigger, you Know, and, and my mother said what happened at school today, and I told her, and then at that time she just, she kind of spin around like the Tasmanian devil, and and I'm looking at her, and the next thing you know there was no ACLU but there was in there was NAACP and so I just want to go let me go back a little bit my grandfather and Dr. Martin Luther King were really good friends there wasn't you know he was really famous to everybody else but there were many times in Alabama that I sat at the feet of this man or in the same room just being a little kid and so uh I didn't know Doc was as famous as he was until he got killed and I like uh would you know because I thought everybody was a freedom fighter I thought everyone wanted freedom but that really wasn't the truth and I had been up in California away from the stuff and and got a little fast. And, you know, when I came to California, I looked country. I had these two little, I got my brother, I had this two little plaits, they call them plaitts, braids now, you know. But they was plaiting and they kind of hung and it's like a little horns, you know. And but I didn't know it was just strange. I have these little bangs that went down here when you pulled them the curl out but the curl was so tight but you know so i i got made fun of by uh the people in california just need this needlessly so anyway the day that my teacher called me that the next day the naacp my my my grandma father and them was oh it was just a big mess. That was in 1964. I should have been in some Al-Anon, some Alcoholics Anonymous program then because instantly I felt different. I felt differently. I didn't feel a part of, I didn' t feel a party of and from that day until I got into the fellowship, I always felt like a scream. And Carl, I never forget him saying it. It just made it so simple for me. I felt like a scream looking for a mouth. It was just always high anxiety and everything. And so alcohol, oh, alcohol. I grinned at alcohol because alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself. For the most part, alcohol allowed me to get on a table and dance naked. And I shouldn't have been dancing naked then or even now. But alcohol tells you that you get up here and you let them see what you're working with, and I wasn't as, you know, back in those days, I wasn'T this voluptuous beauty like you see now, you knOw. I was more like a little bobblehead, you kNow, and so, and I didn't have rhythm, you Know, I didn'T, you Know, I could dance in the chair but when I got alcohol, and, and I don't know how I would ever get from the chair to the table, but it happened every time and it happened from the first time that i had a drink and it was just fun everybody was talking about the fun we had and i like yeah yeah yeah but i didn't know that i had gone into doing some things um uh off of alcohol that i didn' t remember i'm talking in seventh grade now i haven't got there yet i'm just talking seventh grade um anywhere on the bleachers anywhere that there was some alcohol i was i was uh i was your girl uh they had some songs come out some in the 90s like around the way girl that that was me that was mean um round the way round your way around and get in anybody's way uh off of uh alcohol. So that went on for some years, I landed in some big trouble, very big trouble. By the time I was 18 years old, I was on my way to state prison for armed robbery and murder. And I didn't even have a clue of really what had gone on. It wasn't that important to me, It was just something that had happened. I guess I was sitting there looking stupid, but my dad had a good friend and I don't want to seem like a name dropper, but Johnny Cochran and my dad were really good friends. They grew up together. So thanks to Johnny Coachran, I did an observation. They lost me in prison for about a year. So I ended up spending probably about three years before I went back to court and got out. Now, you would think 18, 19, 20, 21 years old, you would go somewhere and sit down. Go somewhere and sit down because you've learned your lesson. This is not where you come from. Yeah. Now, I had a lot of prayer going through trial. That's my first bout of prayer. Pitch-hitting prayer. uh god now you know i don't i'm a good girl i just got caught up with some people but if you see me through this oh i got real holy i used to be real holy I could walk the floor and preach I don't do all that now but I was praying and and it just seemed like uh that God was working in my favor because you know I had got in tune with him you know every time my grandmother visited and I was talking scripture and everything and just, you know, walking around the unit like I was the, you now, the Pope of prison. I don't want to say Mother Teresa because I was doing some things in prison and I had no business doing like drinking. They make liquor. So I, you known, but you know when I wasn't drinking and I only drank because the Bible said you know for municipal purposes so I didn't get drunk and you know I would I would be the taster and that would be it so I you know i had to i could control myself so liquor hadn't was not my problem so when i got out um i got OUT and i uh moved uh to Pomona where i'm at my brother said come here. They're going to kill you, and I drank. I drank alcoholically. I did everything alcoholically, and it was never good. It never looked good.It never even felt good, but because I had gotten this disease and the effect produced turned me on more than anything else, and so that's that's where i ended and uh you know one thing led to another in and out of here in and outer there uh uh you with you with them with anybody it didn't matter where i woke up uh didn't who i was with you know i'm one of those i have the nerve to be bougie when i'm drinking you know uh tabletop and all but the next morning afterwards i'm i am super bougie i'm like oh my god who are you you know um you you i i know there's nobody else that does this like this you know and the the person is absolutely in love with me in love with me because we had made some uh we had we had made some promises and uh so uh it was marrying time the next day and uh but it was uh scoodaloo time for me I don't know you know and that went on on and on and on. And I like to frequent uh where there's alcohol and tables and those are bars um so I frequent those a lot and I do the same thing and not after you know one drink you know my head starts to spin second drink and I don't drink little shots I usually have to have at least a half pint in a cup um you know Juan turns my you know my soul on and the second one turns my feet on and uh my feet go from the chair and I don't care what size chair it is it could be seven feet tall I got to get on top of the chair to get On Top of the Table and I must have a dress on must have a dressed on so I can dance and let you see what I'm working with um sounds like a you know I've been you know you you try to be all nice and stuff but you know I was a prostitute let's just go on and say it you know and I got sober now all of a sudden want to be all sanctified in glory I was an hoe right and I like being a hoe I like being drunk and then the next day I don't know you and that just went on for years you know but then I want to walk around when I'm sober looking like uh the bishop's wife you know uh I'm part of these organizations I'm an elk member and you know I uh you know I had these sashes and these spazzes on. And when I walk into, you know, the Elks Lodge, you know they're the Laurel daughter ruler or the granddaughter ruler. I'm somebody, but let me take a drink. And I'm not supposed to drink at the bar with my sash and regalia on. There I was. You know, many times they had to say, daughter, you can't do that. And I would be up on top of the bar, climbed up on the stool on the bar dancing you know i got sash going around you know and they're like oh my god you know uh and so i've had had many talks about uh alcohol like all of us you should not do that what about the kids fraught their emotional pills you know you ought to straighten up. What's wrong with you? Like, nothing wrong with me. What was wrong with you? You know? So April 3rd, 1999, I had my last drink and I had started drinking the fine wines, you know, the Hennessy's and everything. But when I finished, I was drinking And the finest wine there was that was Mad Dog 2020, two for one Cobras, two for one Magnums. They're $1.23. And you can look in anybody's couch and get that much and go and get your drink. And so that's what happened. And thank God I have a brother in this fellowship that used to bring me to the little meetings to see you guys. you know and i would grace you with my presence you know like you know too bad you're here good luck for you you know you know um and then april 4th i walked into the meeting of alcoholic synonymous with the rest of you thoughts realizing i was the queen of songs i believe that my prayer and meditation started right there. I didn't know it because I didn' t know how to keep a drink without this going on. I did' n't know how to keep a drink out of my hand without feeling that you were looking at me, that there was something wrong and pulling my clothes and I got to go to the bathroom because I'm just this high anxiety. It's just way too much, too, too much for me. And so I got involved in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous because they said, you know, you have to get a sponsor. And you know what? You know, it's something about when you knew you had an urge to be offended when somebody asked you to get us sponsored. But my first sponsor gave me a drink. Gave me a drank. and my first sponsor said don't water it down because you won't get the effect and I didn't and I drank just like I was told to drink but you asked me to get a sponsor the devil is a lie I don't need no sponsor I don' t need nobody to take care of me in no fellowship. And they're like, take care of you. I'm like, yeah, that's what a sponsor is, isn't it? They said, a sponsor's going to take you through the big book. I said, I don't need nobody to take me through no book I can read. I've been to college. Biggest liar in the world. I had only had taken some college courses. Biggest lie in the word. Just biggest lie. But I didn't want you to think bad of me. i didn't know when you when the newcomers came in the room for the most part you thought you were like oh please don't go back out please stay you know especially when you you know you you know uh you you see us you know we know new people but new people don't know that we know that they're new so i was like that i waslike you know sitting up there like i had uh you know i remember a speaker 12 years sober and she was carrying a message and I was sitting up there with maybe 27 days looking at her with contempt. I thought to myself look at this look at this sad heifer here my God look at her shoes Jesus there's a bunch of bombs here I'm like oh my God I told my brother what what do you got me where do you have me you're like what are you talking about and I'm like I don't need all this I gotta go and he says after the meeting I'm not like okay and I went home on my way home I didn't go down the main drag I went the back way that was April 4th 1999 I prayed God please I don't want to drink I don'y ever want to Drink again they said oh I have to I said and if you're there Like I've been Here in all these years It's only going to be through you That I will not drink and so i went home that day that night got up and uh got myself together called my ex-employer because i had walked off the job drunk a year before i was a hairdresser managed 12 fantastic sam's for nine years nine fantastic sam for 12 years and i asked him could i have my job back and he said sure I went back I went to work and he said what happened and I told him nothing happened I was just tripping he thought I was really eccentric he didn't know I had been drunk all along and I asked him could I have my job back and he says yeah are you ready to get back into management I said no not yet a few months later I told them that I had an alcoholic problem and that I was now involved in AA and I was making amends to him. Before I made that amends, I prayed for like three weeks nonstop and the prayer simply went, God, if you're there, like they say, I need to make an amends to this man. So I went through the work. As soon as I got a sponsor on 20 27 day uh day 30 i had a sponsor day 31 i had a sponsor and i'll tell you the reason why i had a sponsor because at 30 days sober i had wrote on a legal tablet uh i was going to thank everybody that i had met by name i you know like i was taking an academy award and uh i'm sitting there with my brother and i pulled it out of my uh you know precious and i told him here take a look at this and he said what is this i said it's my speech and he said for what I said I got to thank everybody here he said for what? I says I'm 30 days sober. He like what? I said yeah take a look at that and he unfolded it and it was folded like I was schizophrenic it was written pretty much like I was schizophrenia. It was on a tablet and I wrote on the side and everything because I needed to make sure that I named everybody that had smiled at me because all you had to do a smile at me you made me feel welcome like i had never felt before and so i wanted to thank all you and my brother he hurt my feelings and i and i told him he had been jealous of me all my life i told them i said what do you think about this he says you're gonna i says yeah i gotta tell everybody he says no what you tell everybody is my name is gloria and i'm an alcoholic and i'm 30 days sober and thank you jealousy that jealousy will kill you every time when that's what I told him. I said, that jealousy is too much. But I began to pray. I began to pray, I began To understand prayer and meditation, I began to just sit still, and be comfortable. And most of the time, where I felt like a scream looking for a mouth, I started to feel comfortable. I'm only I only feel that way when I get high anxiety, like when I have to speak, Teresa called me a month ago, a month ago. This has been a month. I've been waiting for a month, right? And so I've wanted to scream ever since. But anyway, got through prayer, started with the prayer and meditation on a regular basis, and I didn't go into the prayers of my grandmother, prayers of my grandfather. I went in with simply god help me today help me to be a better person the book talks about uh and at the 11th step upon uh awakening or at the upon awakening um that i'd be divorced from self-pitying and different things like that every day i don't get up and say it but every day I get up in thinking and I believe that the god that i believe in can read my heart they told me when i was uh something i remembered as a child they said you don't even have to speak god knows what your what's in your heart you all you have to do is moan or groan he can hear you and so uh those were the those are the things that i do most of the time uh most of the times i get up and i i uh i read the big book about calling synonymous And then I turned to the big, big book and I will read something out of that. But I realized that I did not enjoy reading that much unless I'm with my sponsor because she's got this beautiful way of reading. So I turn the Bible on and I listen to it. I listen To It In The Morning before I get in my car. When I get into my car, I have an hour to work and I have nothing but gospel music on because it makes me feel comfortable. anything else makes me um makes me crazy and I got some people to uh to tell you I got a I got in a car with my sponsor and some other people at another conference and they were playing rap and uh the the song said something about you don't know me you know and I could just feel how angry you don'T KNOW ME right I got out of the car we went to the restaurant the lady was asking us I told you DON'T KNOW me you Know so I gotta be careful what I listen to uh it's either got to be some smooth jazz or some gospel music or country music uh and uh but i i tell you uh you know i had to learn uh to get into prayer and meditation i hadto learn that uh so many different ways for me to pray sometimes it's a two-way prayer sometime i write it down and i wait for the answer sometime i call you and you pray for me but the prayer is everyday part of my life and and you know it it it tells me that we need we need we need not be uh uh you know afraid of it or or something that's you know not going to happen because you know uh eventually it will happen it will happen with a with a vengeance you know you will just be doing this so we need to get in touch with the power that's much greater than ourself in order to to have it uh and and the way I started to really believe in it is one day I was sitting outside of my house and I looked and I had seen this somewhere before but I saw the grass coming through concrete and that that just amazed me it just amazed мне and I thought I wonder how that happens right and then I remember sitting out at night and the star there was a bright moon and the stars. And then I went back to something in the Bible that says that, where were you when I hung the stars in the moon? And I realized that I hadn't done it, that there was a power much greater than myself, right? I didn't know about prayer a lot. I didn'T know how to put it all together. I had always put uniformed prayers together, you know, religious prayers together you know uh and and I told you my people was uh was uh in the church did I tell you that they were southern baptists okay so you know I didn't have to recover from us I had to recover From That I had To Recover From That Because They Go They Go They Go And Don't Get Into I Got Into Another Denomination And I And I Like Lord Have Mercy What Was Going On Here You Know Um And And So What I Realized Being In Touch With God you know seeking through prayer and meditation makes me comfortable for the most part in if in order for me to be comfortable I have to seek God through prayer and meditation that improves my conscious contact with God and for themost part I do that through the prayer and the meditation listening to the word of God I have some other books the language of the heart I really love that because it was about the codependent right and that was me and I didn't even know you know there's so much you don't know when you get here isn't that something and there's so much I think you know you know so you know uh one of the things they said they just say lay aside everything you think you're known and I'm like how dare these sacrilegious demons from hell ask me to lay aside what I think I know now I might not know too much about staying sober but I know all about God just told you i wasn't well i know about god i didn't know god for myself so i'm going to tell you there's so many things that have happened to me uh as a result of praying uh uh seeking a conscious contact with god is that i became comfortable some things have happened to me stone cold sober uh that i was able to deal with i don't have to get in the cups no matter what uh the most uh i've had a couple of sons i've had my son shot shot in the back three or four times i didn't drink because i started to pray and he's up walking and doing everything that he needed to do and needs to do today prayer brought my children through a lifestyle that no mother wants their children involved in. All I did was pray, scared to death that something was going to happen, but I kept praying and I stayed sober with this conscious contact standing in between me because the book tells me that there's going to come a time when you don't have an effective mental defense against the first one, except in a few rare cases that must come from a higher power. I have that higher power in my life. Two years ago, another son got 75 to life. Through prayer and meditation, I was able to sit up in that courtroom to support my child. Through prayer in meditation a month ago I knew that when my son died I would be going to get him from prison prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God I've been praying I got a call from my son two weeks ago that through an appeal 45 of those years have been knocked off there's another appeal coming uh and even if that one doesn't if he doesn't win that one my son will not die in prison one day he'll be home through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with god i'm a better grandmother i'ma better friend to you i'mabetter member of this fellowship through the conscious contact that i have with god my grandmother used to tell me i was going to knock the bottom out of hell i was wild i was her only granddaughter i i had i had nine brothers and i am the daughter and granddaughter from hell when i tell you from hell from hell and and and that's what she would say she says you are the devil's doll baby and i went out to prove her right. I went off to prove her right. But because I have a conscious contact with God and he saw better, everything that I thought wasn't good. So when they told me to lay aside everything I think I knew about God, the program worked. See, the program was my got it first because my brother had been sober 10 years so i knew it worked so when i got into the program i didn't really care i you know step one step two you know but came to believe in every you know made a decision in terminal oh that was good the inventory no problem i need to get all this shit off me you know i didn'T have no problem I DIDN'T HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH NO CHARACTER WELL I DIDNT HAVE NO CHARACTER DEFECTS THAT'S WHAT I TOLD MY FIRST SPONSOR SHE ASKED ME SHE SAID WHAT KIND OF CHARACTA DO YOU DO DEFICTS DO YOU HAVE AND I LOOKED AT ME IN THE MIRROR I GOT NO defects what is you talking about I said you asked somebody else in the program the girl with the raggedy shoes about some defects I'm not defective what are you talking About you know and I was a licensed hairdresser always had my hair done always had some bug what you mean defects she's are you a liar I like a little bit she said do you still I say every now and then like what's that got to do with anything she said don't you think that might be a character defect I said no that's a lifestyle that's just I'm just surviving what is you talking about then I told my brother the other the other crook in the fellowship I told him I said can you imagine she want me to get rid of these defects of character he said yeah and I like well what the hell what kind of setup is this and he said well one thing about it um you can get rid of them by not acting on them in seven but you'll always have them so in case you need to go back and get them I like you my kind of guy but as a result of working this program as a result I having a conscious contact with God uh I went I went along with this program when I got into the 11th step I felt like I was free I wasn't walking I wasn'T no spiritual giant or nothing like that uh but the love that I really have for people is really the lovethat I have it's just that I don't, you know, I'm still afraid of people. And I think it's rejection. You know, I want to make like, I want you to like me today. I'm just not consumed if you don't. But I really do. I don'T know what people say. I DON'T care if nobody likes me. I really want people to like me, but I'M NOT consumed with the ones that DON'T. I'M CONSUMED WITH THE ONES THAT DO. AND SO I LEARNED THAT THROUGH PRAYER AND MEDITATION. I LEANED THRU PRAYer AND ME DIETATION that i am enough that i i'm okay that i'm no better than anybody and i'm just better than i used to be and let me tell you something let me show you something when you're getting in touch with god god will say some things to your heart now i'm not that spiritual where i get the you know the sudden up evil where he's talking to me and i'M HEARING EXCEPT FOR ONE TIME WHEN I HEARD HIM SAY THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU THAT'S WAS APRIL 3RD AND I HEard THAT AUDIBLY but, you know, I was tripping too. So, you know, you hear a whole lot of stuff when you're tripping, right? But it was enough for me to lay down and not pick up another one, okay? But getting in touch with this conscious contact where you're walking around and all hell is breaking loose and you still going on because you know that God has got your back see having a conscious contact means that you got you know uh and you know i don't want to be like you know he man with no sword or nothing like well he man why the hell i get he man how about wonder woman you know um you know lasso and stuff you know I can fight some things off it's just that I'm not worried anymore but no matter what you know everything that has happened to me happened like you said it was going to happen and you told me that if I got a conscious contact with God, it would improve every aspect of my life. And it has. You know, I get a chance to, let me tell you something about conscious contact. You heard Teresa introduce me. Now, you know, I've loved Teresa. I went to England with Teresa. Teresa carried an awesome message everywhere she goes he just carries an awesome message I happen to be on that on that ticket poor little you know little lowly me this is what I'm saying because I don't know how nobody asked me to go nowhere right and so uh I remember sitting there at the table and she's you know she sees a whole lot of other stuff nobody should y'all don't Know right and uh so she was seeing everybody else's shit but she looked over me and I was just smiling I like God please don't let her see nothing about me because i'm doing the right thing but she never mentioned me and she and i have always and i thought to myself oh she didn't see all that shit she saw with them other ones you know um now that's just me that's my personal thing but getting on the phone with her talking with her and sheand i do we have some deep conversations i mean we go into some i don't even know what we go into but it's also spiritual it's all so wonderful it's awesome uplifting it's also, you know, just to hear her voice. And first of all, I say, I'm one of those, if you call me, I'm privileged that you call Me. I don't think it's like, you know, when I see the phone calls of some people, especially when some of the old timers check on me, I'm looking, I mean, amazement. I'm in amazemen. But it's because of the conscious contact that I have with God that I get a chance to share God with a lot of people. And a lot of times sharing God is just being on the other end of the line. You know, my conscious contact has been improved as a result of this program. I walk around and I feel for the most part when that comes to me, a scream looking for a mouth. And then first thing I say is the devil is alive. I'm always if I'm feeling that way, it's because I had I need to sit down and write because I'm the high anxiety there's some things going on and all of a sudden I don't feel good enough I don'T KNOW ABOUT A LOT OF YOU I FEEL GOOD MOST OF THE TIME BUT THERE'S THOSE TIMES THAT HAPPEN WHERE I DON'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH I DONT FEEL THAT I DESERVE IT AND I HAVE TO DO SOME SELF-TALKING DO SOMEPRAYER AND MEDITATION DO Some TWO-WAY PRAYERS WRITING AND TALKING TO GOD AND WAITING for an answer. I don't know. I don' t know what you were supposed to hear tonight. I don'' t know. But I can tell you that because of you guiding me through the 12 steps that''s outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous because my sponsor did that for me that I have ceased fighting anything and anybody and I haven't been on the tabletop in 21 years. That's a long time not to get on the table when you're used to being on the stable or in the bed or falling down the steps. Oh, I guess I'm the only one, right? Or in the back of the police car. Okay. I'm just telling you, I just look like this. Let me take a drink. You'll see what happens. But because I got a conscious contact with God, I'm aware of what happened and I don't have to do that no more. I don'T have to say anything. I don' t have to go through that no more. All I have to do is say, God, help me. Help me. You said you would be there. You said you would improve me if i improve my relationship with you and that's what i did continue to pray and continue to meditate i read every any and everything i don't have one particular book except for two the big book in the bible but i don' t have any three the language of the heart oh let me just stop lying to 12 and 12 but those are the main books that I read and gospel music but I love listening to the bible I love listening to The Big Book if whether it's on cd or whether my sponsor is reading to me but that's how I hear because I can get a visual picture I'm one of those people I told you I was a hairdresser I'm a visual person I like to see the thing then I can do it, then I can be it, then I can have it. And I had to see God through the fellowship. I didn't see God through me. I saw him through the fellowship and the stories that people were saying they were just like me and I knew if they could get sober that I could get sober. So my first two years the fellowship was my God. Right? Until I really had to apply these things until these things really until the rubber meets the road. Let me tell you something. When the rubber meets the rope and you get into some prayer meditation. So you can walk around and act like, you know, but let the rubber meet the road when you didn't call everybody. You know how we call everybody first? Every spiritual guru that you know. And they give you the same answer? You know, that AA slang, have you talked to God? God, what is this? The answer that I get. So I like, okay, I'm not going to call these people in the morning. I'm so sick of calling these people and getting the same thing. Let me just go to God myself. And that's how I, that's how it's ever growing. Being with God, being in love with God has ever grown for me. God is just a wonder i cannot even explain to you you know people want to explain god that you know he sits high and looks low and i know he does all that i have never seen him i i never talked to him you know uh i i haven't i'm amazed at other people do i can't i don't speak in tongues i don'T hear nothing like that i DON'T do but i know that i HAVE A CONTACT WITH GOD SO WHEN YOU are full of it he says and i like oh bless you honey you know you know how you know when people are full up with you like because you know sometimes you got these spiritual gurus they walk into me and they just floating across the room you're like jesus but then as soon as they walk out to me and THEY SLIP ON SOME WATER i said well i thought you was floating so i i stopped looking at that and start looking in here and here's where everything changed here's wherever my my conscious contact was improved through my heart through my thoughts through everything that god is i want to be when you see me i want you to know that i am in the presence of god so there's certain things i will not do certain things I'm not going to do you don't have to worry about it. I'm not going to act out in public because that does not represent the God that loves me, the God that snatched me out of those beds, that snitched me from those prisons, snatched my from that alcohol. So I can't do it. I wouldn't dare make a mockery of God. And he knows I'm nuts. That's the cool part God know I'm nuts. Now y'all know it. So what? So what, but I'm good. I'm good. So, you know, I think my time is up. I want to tell you, thank you so much, Teresa, for allowing me to be here. You guys. Thank you. Thank you so much. Um, and, uh, I hope that I've shared something where somebody can see. I'm 65 years old. I started drinking and using something at 13. I did not get sober till I was 44 years old, and I'm a little slow, so what? Told you I was smart. I was so smart, I'ma little slow. Yeah, but I guess that's most of our stories, right? Thank you for allowing me to be on this platform. Thank you from loving me until I could love myself. Thank you for putting me back together. Thank you to my sponsor for introducing me to a God that is much bigger than me, that does sit high and look low. He had to look low, he had to come and get me because, you know, I paid a high price for a low bottom. With that, I thank you.