Polly P. on the Spiritual Malady, Home Groups, and the Love of Fellowship

Hi everybody, my name's Polly and I'm an alcoholic. By God's grace, in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't had a drink since April the 11th of 1977. And for that, I am eternally grateful. And today is my AA birthday. I am 21 years old today. And Claire is one year old today. I don't know if Claire is here. So it's a good day to get sober. And I just, of course this time of the year is, anytime we're having an AA birthday, it's always a reflection. But first let me tell you, because I think it's really important, that I am a grateful member of Monday Night Seal Beach Speakers Meeting. And that's my home group. And I think that's every... Every person from me needs a home group. And I hope you feel passionately about your home group. Because I certainly feel passionately about mine. And I just got through talking to my sponsor. And I called her up to just tell her how much I appreciate what she's done for me in the past years. And Dottie was my sponsor before. And then we had some time apart. And then she's my sponsor again. And this is a lady who has the sweetest heart. I've ever seen in my life. She has absolutely the sweetest heart. And I want what she has. Because if, you know, if anybody ever said anything about me, I just hope they would say, you know, she really had a kind... She really has or had a kind heart. Because that's what you gave to me. Because when I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, all I wanted was what was for me. And I'm so grateful to this program because of the gifts you've gave me. There are times during the year when I'm not able to get a drink. There are times during the year when I'm not able to get a drink. But there are times during the day I can think about you. And I'm really grateful for that. I'd just kind of like to tell you how my day began today. One of the little things by my name is, I'm not going to talk, it says sobriety date. And I'm sure that was because today's my birthday. But I got sober in Texas. And the reason I give my sobriety date at the podium is because in Texas they say if you don't give your sobriety date, it's probably because you don't have one. So the only thing I can say about sobriety date is that it's a good thing to have one. To have a sobriety date. And I feel passionate about that date. And at this time of the year, it's a time for me to reflect on where I came from. And I'm really grateful that I get to share my experience, strength, and hope because I don't ever want to forget where I came from. And the year I got sober. I was on Easter. April the 11th was the day after Easter in 1977. So I got sober the day after Easter. So a lot of times my birthday doesn't fall around the Easter weekend. And when it doesn't, it doesn't feel like my birthday. It always feels like the Easter weekend is my birthday because that's the weekend that I got sober. But my day started fabulously today. Michael and I, and you get to hear Michael tomorrow, Michael and I share a baby named Susie. And Susie is such a gift to the program. And all I have to do is just watch Cliff smile because if you want to smile, you have to know Susie because Susie will make you smile. She's just so precious. And this morning she called me at 7 o'clock. Now that probably didn't seem like a really big deal to you guys, but it's 4 o'clock in California. And she got up to make sure that she called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday. Now that's the kind of thoughtfulness that comes from Susie. And that's just commonplace with Susie. That's just what she does. It's just commonplace. And then I got to come in here and listen to Tom speak. And I feel like Tom and Barney, and I didn't get to hear my buddy Cliff last night, but I'll get to hear him tonight. But one of the things about it is, is I feel so privileged. I'm so grateful. I feel so privileged to be one of the people on this lineup of speakers you have. My gosh, this is so incredible. And like Tom said, he's the token, not Californian. But I love Tom and I have been with him many times and I feel so privileged because his sobriety is so special. But then I feel like I'm the most blessed person in the world because as far as Cliff and Barney. I mean, I'm the most blessed person in the world. I'm the most blessed person in the world. And I get to see Cliff and I get to see Michael. I got, Michael was at our group for a long time till Ted swept her off to Georgia. But we get to hang out. I get to go hear Cliff and Cliff comes to my meeting to talk and, and that's just stuff we get to do all the time. And Barney, Barney was just down at our meeting and Cliff was there about six months ago. And this is the gifts. And I know a lot of times I take those things for granted. That, you know, if I don't have on Monday night at my house, I'm going to be a little bit more of a, you know, a little bit more of a, you know, a little bit more of a, you know, you know, a little bit more of a gift. But I'm going to be a little bit more of a gift. And I know that if I don't have on Monday night at my home group, if there's not a Cliff Roach or a Barney Morris or a Michael Earl speaking, we're like, who is this person speaking? We are so spoiled. So the beauty of just being able to be with these people is such a privilege and me to be in that lineup. It's just, I cannot thank you enough. I can't, then Michael and I went shopping, my drug of choice, shopping. And we had so much fun and we had lunch and we came back over here and, and then I, my, the little red light was going off on my answering machine on the phone and, and I got, I picked it up and I was, I had some messages there and I had one, another message from Susie and another message from Carol and, oh, I forgot. I got to tell you at breakfast. See so many good things have happened. I came down to breakfast late, a few minutes late. As I was talking to Susie and this whole room was full of people. Dick gets up and wishes me happy birthday from all these people. And then they all started singing happy birthday. So it's like, wow, this is the way I started off too. Getting sung happy birthday too. And then I come back and got this message and one of them was from Carol P, which is a lady I sponsor and another one from Susie. And after they wished me happy birthday, I was instructed to give Cliff a hug. So that was. And I was on there and one of the other calls was my husband, Dave. I can't, I don't think I would be able to do it. Anyway, he said 21 years ago on April the 11th, on April the 8th, really, God kissed a woman on a gurney and here you are today. And he says, and Polly, I'm going to steal this from Carol Thornton. He says, I'm going to steal this from Carol Thornton. He says, I'm going to steal this from Carol Thornton. And I said, you go tell those people I send my best, I send you. And those are the things that I get to have in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I want to tell you that I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love being sober and I love my life today. I have absolutely the most wonderful life in the world. And I am also the woman of the world. I am the woman of the world. I am the woman of the world. I am the richest woman in the world. I have so much love in my life. And see, a long time ago I thought riches was something else. I thought riches had to do with money. And I got to experience, have been experiencing for quite a while, what it's like not to have much money. But what I have learned through that experience is where the wealth really lies. And that is that I've learned that the wealth lies in the love. Because that's the thing that remained. With this lineup of speakers, I want to share a special thing about Barney. And I was waiting for him to come in because I just really want to say it and I want to say it from the podium. Because I saw him walk in. You know, I'm a little bit of a fan. I'm a little bit of a fan. I'm a little bit of a fan. I'm a little bit of a fan. I'm a little bit of a fan. I'm a little bit of a fan. I'm a little bit of a fan. Because I can tell you guys that I want Barney to hear this too. And I think he knows it, but I don't ever want to quit sharing it. But you see, the kind of people that you have here this weekend are people who are willing to be out of themselves. And about 10 years ago, Barney and I were speaking in Eugene, Oregon. And you're going to hear a little more about my oldest son. But my oldest son is someone who has just had such a struggle in life. Just such a struggle. And I would give anything if he were an alcoholic. I would just give anything if he were an alcoholic. Because I feel like it would be so much easier for him. But Russ is someone who was so tormented. But what happened was, is that, and he kept trying to take his own life. And that weekend, I was just devastated. I was just devastated. Because Russ had been at it again. But the thing that happened is, is that we got to talking. And Barney and Russ have something in common. And that is, is that my son Russ is a radio announcer. And Barney understands that personality. And he understands that sensitivity. And he understands that feeling of no self-worth. And just never ever feeling like, and always scared you're going to lose your job. Always afraid. And anyway, Barney stood up from behind the podium that night. And he said, you know, I don't know who will buy this tape or who will even be interested. But I know Polly's going to buy it because she's going to give it to Russ. And Barney started talking to my son Russ. And his whole talk was to Russ. And he would keep repeating his name and telling him things. And I want you to know that that turned my son Russ. And I want you to know that that turned my son Russ. And I want you to know that that turned my son Russ. I think I dijeased him from his government Success was, from what I heard, from the ocean and換지. I think the ocean was what's the song that sudow tells my son Russ was from. And I think it's what can be called. And I think the ocean was what's the song that should be. And I think the ocean was what's the song that should be. The ocean was what's the song that should be. But he stayed knit in the very essence of who he is and I think what it was like to hold on to therebbeon in insulin. Because given that he needed to be in those indecisme, inudic Lego it wasn't everything at the last minute. But he handed out the location before he got in his car. And thenHe left in a hurry. So that's what I wanted to talk about. And I had the opportunity on a trip. how long but we ended up hauling him around for a little bit and he would call him in New Jersey before he moved to California and that's Alcoholics Anonymous and there's a man who's my Al-Anon sponsors husband who was just like my dad and he's not with us anymore and his name is Albert Myers and Albert was such he was so special and the thing that Albert said was is that you have to save my kids and I'll save yours because there's nothing we can do for our own and that's so true and and that's been really special because Russ was so excited I said guess I'm going to see Barney this weekend and it was like those are the kind of gifts that we get to have in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I've been so blessed I've been so blessed and I was listening to Tom this morning and Forgiveness 41 years of sobriety and active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous Dick is 34 years and active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and my buddy Ed now I've known Ed for about 18 years and Ed's a good friend I met Ed through his ex-wife he came to see his son and I met Ed and I went I met him and he felt he was a good friend to me as a parent and I had been screwing around talking to him and we really I mean it's been been great ass secret that I had to tell him about and and it's that he has been my friend or a good friend of mine for me and I will always about his time with his parents and me and her and her future and I really just got her great support in 28. Active. And I know what these people do. And Barney is active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Michael is active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I see you young people, and I am so impressed, I can barely stand, I can hardly stand it, to see what you guys are doing. I mean, when Josh was calling me on the phone, I'm like, Ed is saying, yeah, this is this group of young kids that are just absolutely marvelous. And I said, wow, he didn't sound like a young kid. I mean, you should have heard him telling me all this stuff. I said, my lord, he was totally principled. You know? And I'm like, wow. I was just so... And Josh, let me tell you something that you don't know, but this happened. I was talking to Michael on the phone. I had to pay an extra $75 that you don't know anything about for my ticket. Because I had this conference for March and had already purchased the ticket. And Michael and I were talking on the phone, and she says, Polly, that conference isn't in March. I said, oh, yes, it is. And so I got out the letter, and I said, oh, no, it's not. I said, oh, no, it's not. So that was like a totally wild thing. So I almost showed up a month early. But the miracles. And the thing about it is that what I was going with all that, at 21 years of sobriety, I am more active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous than I have ever been. And I sponsor more people than I have ever sponsored. Because the deal is, at 21 years of sobriety, I have so much more to lose. I have so much more to lose. I have so much more to lose. I have so much more to lose. I have so much more to lose. I have so much to lose today. And I love my life. And the things that I have in my life would absolutely be destroyed if I took a drink of alcohol. So I am so grateful, beyond words, that I'm 21 years sober today. And I love it, Tom. I'm a legal woman. He said I was a grown-up. And I don't know about that. It's like this thing. I've often talked about. I don't know if any of you. You probably have just. See, I am one of these people who have had to do some goofy things in sobriety. But thank God I've always kept faith with Alcoholics Anonymous. But I'm one of these people that had to wander off and find my inner child. I don't know if anybody had to do that. But I wandered off looking for my inner child. And what I found out was is that I desperately needed to find an adult. It's, you know, there is no adult here. And I know you young people think it's going to be different. You know, you hang around. You stay sober. And what you've got here with, like, what Tom was talking about, all these older, or maybe it was Barney, whoever was talking about all of us with this young group. And, you know, we're all pretty old. And with me, I'm a little bit older. I'm a little bit older. I'm a little bit older. And with me, the only difference is, is it's just trying to do adolescence and menopause all at the same time. And it's, but, it never changes. You know, it's one of these things, you have these feelings going on inside. And I walk past a mirror and I'm like, oh my God, who is that? Because I see this old lady and I just feel like this kid, you know. It's like, I don't know if I'm ever going to grow up. I think it's a hopeless cause that I'll ever grow up. But it's, the deal is, is that that's what I, you know, I need to be acting like an adult. I know how to behave like a child. I can behave like a child. So, I'm grateful that I'm back to basics. And so, you know, and if you can just stay in the basics of Alcoholics Anonymous, you don't ever have to be back to them. You don't have to come back to basics. You can just stay there. You don't have to wander off into the weeds trying to find an answer for why you're not there. I am the way I am. At any rate, I'd like to tell you that I came here and I knew about God. I knew a lot about God. And I was absolutely terrified of God. Because besides being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, I am a recovering Southern Baptist. And I am one of these people who knew, who had this perception of God. And I love Clancy's tape, Alcoholism, a Disease of Perception. And everybody I sponsor, I give that tape to. Because that tells me about the disease of alcoholism. A disease of perception. Now, I am here to tell you that I'm not here to blast any church. Because I don't think that church ever said to me what I heard. Because today I know that I've got the kind of head that you give me a set of words, and I know that I'm not here to blast any church. I am here to remind you then will follow me the firstb gente that she you know a lot. My mind is shaped. It takes with it a process to get that word out at church. So if I say, Texas is theия by the way IDA is his last name. Is that in the toward that he comes from? She said, Texas is the. She said, Texas is theilah? Texas is the that hOlm it乾 been. So I don't want them believing it. You need to put that into analysis today. I can tell you the concepts that all that everything's going who's telling us the entire foolish diesel a little wort. How is this laid out there in Ф yeah, because it's ultimately written acrophysically ? There are only a few mysteries, but you need to tire of that suffix of perseverence. was, would get up behind the podium and they'd slam their fist on the podium and their faces would get red and their veins would stick out and they'd lean into the congregation and they'd say things like, if you've thought it, you've done it. Now, I don't know about any of you, but I was an alcoholic in the making and I thought a lot. So I just knew that no matter what I did, God was going to get me from my thoughts. And I just started to take on the attitude of what's the use? What's the use? There's no way I'll ever be good enough for God. And I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and you introduced me to the big book. And in the big book, it tells me where God is. It tells me that God is deep within. And it tells me how to find God. And it says, search fearlessly. And today, God is my understanding. Expresses himself to me through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, my God absolutely loves me to pieces. And I truly feel that way today. And my God has a dynamite sense of humor. And I'm going to share that with you. My name is Polly. I am not a Pauline or a Paula. I am a Polly. And if you're a little girl and your name is Polly, you're going to be teased a lot. And I'm going to share that with you. And I'm going to share that with you. And I'm going to share that with you. And I'm going to share that with you. And I'm going to share that with you. And I don't know about any of you, but I am sensitive. And I don't like to be teased and I don't like to be laughed at. And it was things like Polly Wolly Doodle all the day and Polly Wants a Cracker and all those Polly jokes. And that just destroyed me. But what I have found out is, is there's no negatives in God's world. And that's something Michael and I were talking about. And that's something Michael and I were talking about. At lunch of some of the miracles that have happened and the people that God used were just the people we would have never, ever suspected he would use for those miracles. There's just no negatives in God's world. It's just my perception that's negative. But everything has a positive result. And today I love having the name Polly because I can come into rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when somebody says Polly, I'm pretty sure they're talking about Polly. And I'm going to share that opinion. It takes a little bit of digging, but you're a few miles reserved, you know, here's a single day of arena and the transitions down the road and that's totally okay. So here's you're our group, lots of relief! There's just not very many Pollys and Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know that I was an alcoholic. But I knew that I was a drunk and I knew that I was a lush. And I used to drive down the freeways in Dallas, Texas and pray to God to have heart disease or cancer or something. Because I knew that I was dying and I just wanted to die of something respectable. And today I know that the disease of alcoholism is my greatest gift. And that if I didn't have the disease of alcoholism, my soul would be on the verge of añe態. And there's really no reason I shouldn't have had alcohol. And yet I also have I wouldn't qualify for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And everything I am or hope to be, I owe to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Seventeen and a half years ago, I married Dave. And Dave's last name is Pistol. My name is now Polly Pistol. Now, I will assure you, you cannot walk around on planet Earth with a name like Polly Pistol and not learn to lighten up. There's just no way. Tom was talking about a lot of the characteristics of an alcoholic and some of the things that happen to us and how we get here. And I am so convinced that I have a disease called alcoholism because I am a person who is living, breathing proof that you can come to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and be a real alcoholic. And not come from alcoholic parents. I do not come from the disease of alcoholism. Now, there's one person in my whole family tree that drank. And that was my mother's father. But I don't ever remember him being out of control. I don't ever remember anything being wrong. The only thing I know is, is he's the only one who drank. But if he drank anything like me, I have no idea. I never saw that. So I didn't even know what an alcoholic was until I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not have any idea. Now, I had seen, you know, Days of Wine and Roses and I'll Cry Tomorrow. But golly, those were really bottomed out drinkers. And if I had to use that as a way to be qualifying for Alcoholics Anonymous, that's not my story at all. I'm one of those people who just died spiritually and emotionally. And I did not even know what was going on. That's not my, that's not my story. But what happened is, is that I find out that I have a disease called alcoholism. And I'm really grateful, too, because, you see, I've never had anybody to blame it on. I couldn't blame it on my parents. Because if I've ever had any abuse, the only abuse I ever had was I was just loved too much. I was one of these people who was absolutely loved to death. And I had to get out of that. I had to get out of that. I had to get out of that. I had to get out of that. I had the kind of parents that if I had told my daddy to get that big yellow moon out there for me, he'd have found a way to do it. But what I believe happened for me, and I think that it's so important today, that I try to do the best I can to make sure that I try as hard as I can to let people know that I know that God loves me. Because, you see, left to me, and we were talking about this, and my dad and God loves me and they loved me. They said that to me. Because I have this thing in my hands that I've been trying to meny and they've never made right for me and they don't make right for me. So I can just pretend that I've been praying around with my family. And that TPa Hugging Me has shortened all the benefits that my family has had. The home care. You can even literally have a home care and miles to go and the home care service has daaled in my family's Police Department just all the costs and core And so it's just in your. Read this. emergence. our group and also happens to be my husband's a a sponsor set out and said well you don't get rid of them at 34 so those feelings are there and sometimes I'm kind of grateful because what they do is those feelings keep me on my knees because I always go to my God for the strength because in and of myself I don't have it and but my parents didn't have it either and my father would react ragefully because he was afraid and my mother came from abuse and she was just scared and she didn't have any self-worth either and if anything was given to me my parents tried to tell me all these things that you know you can do and you can be but the thing matter of一点 of something else is that there is never a lot of people who feel going come and talk to you back it was, they couldn't do and be that. And what I think is so important as sponsors in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is that I need to sponsor by example. I need to be an example. And I need to do things that I hear Clancy say, and that is I need to constantly be taking actions contrary to the way I feel. I may be scared to get up and go to work, absolutely positive they're going to fire me that day, absolutely sure that all this stuff is going to happen, but just get up and do it anyway. And Michael and I were talking about that at lunch, is just walking through that fear, just walking through that fear. And I need to do that because what happens is, is if I acted like I think, if I walked like I think, I couldn't move. I wouldn't be able to move. But thank God this program just tells me to just get up and do it. Just get up and do it. And for that I'm grateful. So it's helped me to see that how important that was because no matter how much my parents tried to love me and give me self-worth, they didn't. They didn't have any. And that's what I took. And I knew that. Today I know that I have a disease that's spiritual in nature. I was so loved as a child, yet I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous absolutely certain nobody loved me. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that that is a spiritual malady. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that I'm not the only bad person in my life. My other friends also told me, by seeing me like that, now I'm no longer a差quis often gathering wrenchers down my throats and trying to get things своюut bardzo sana comsciente or tired of mogulism. And I know today I am separate from the sunshine of the Spirit. I know today that I have a disease that's spiritual in nature. Now I hear some people talk about my programs, Alcoholics Anonymous say this the spiritual side . I have no idea what that means because it says to me the twelve steps in the , Tell me if I. spoke Way. had a spiritual awakening. Tell me if I spoke As John你说ال This. results of these steps. The book continually tells me I am suffering from a spiritual malady. This book is spiritual principles applied to a spiritual illness. This disease is, I have a gal I sponsor and I love what Paula says. She says, I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous with a hole in my soul. And that's what was wrong with me. I had a soul sickness that had me in a black darkness. And it's through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the steps, a loving God, service, and the fellowship that I've been able to experience the life I've had for the past 21 years. When I was 18 years old, I married an Air Force officer. And boy, I'm still dead meat for a man in a uniform. And I married an Air Force officer and I just knew that I had found my knight in shining armor and we were going to sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Well, I had married a sack pilot and this guy was going to be gone and he was going to be gone for years at a time. Now, I am the kind of person that has never ever wanted to be responsible for myself. I am the kind of person who is, and now in Texas we call it puffing up and Ed would know that because he's a Texan. And you just kind of puff up and it's like, it's your responsibility to find out what's wrong with me. And then it's your responsibility to make me happy. And if you don't, you don't love me. And again, you're going to hear me talk a lot about Clancy. He is like, I'm like Barney. I love... When he speaks, it's like whatever that, what is that, EF Hutton or whatever it is. When he speaks, I listen. I can just hear him talk. And he says that we are people who have to be treated special just to feel average. And if you don't treat us special, then we feel rejected. And I was a person who always had to be treated special. And I have never ever wanted to suit up and show up for life. Now, here I marry this man and he's going to be gone for a long time. And I'm going to be gone for a long time. And I'm going to be gone for years. And I'm going to have to learn to be responsible for myself. Now, if you want to know the truth, I don't want to be responsible for myself today. But my program says that I have to be responsible and accountable. And Dave says he doesn't want to be responsible for me either. So, but that's, so I constantly take actions contrary to the way I feel. At any rate, I married this man. Now, here I am, a whooping, 18 years old. I have no self-worth. I am uneducated. I have no, I have no college degree. I've not been into a college, still haven't. And I was always totally intimidated about that, but I guess not intimidated enough because I didn't go get a degree. But I was intimidated about that. And I'd go to these luncheons and I'd go to these cocktail parties and I'd go to these things. And I was so terrified. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't think I could carry on a conversation. There was no way I could measure up. I just felt so inadequate. Those feelings of just overwhelming inadequacy of just, there's no way you'll ever be enough. And I love what's in the doctor's opinion because you see, I took a drink of alcohol and what happened was, is that I got that feeling of ease. And comfort. That feeling of, I can carry on a conversation. I will be able to sit through this dinner party. I will be able to say something and not sound stupid. Now, the other thing is, is that to be drunk and disorderly was not acceptable behavior for an officer's wife. It was okay for an officer, but not an officer's wife. So I come from that real, real sexist community. And, and it's okay. I'm not even sure that I'm really not a very nineties woman. I really, you know, I like to go to work and make what guys make. But, you know, I'm, I like my door opened. And I like, I like all those things. And, and I'm just kind of pissed off at the people who've ruined that for all of us who like it. I like it. I like to be treated that way. And, see, the thing about it is, is that I'm not, I'm in the world of the digital world. But, but people are talking about it. See, a lot of people talk about it. They're talking about it. People are talking about it. I like it. I like to be treated that way. And see, the thing about it is that I'm always saying this. I always knew I was in charge. We just never told anybody. But at any rate, that's just a bunch of silliness. But I had those feelings of inadequacy, and a drink of alcohol made me feel good again. And I could feel like I could somehow measure up to these people. And I wasn't so afraid. That just overwhelming panic attack fear that comes without just feeling like there's no way I can be with these people. And I just understood that when I listened to Tom. I understood that last night listening to Barney. It's just like, you know, somebody rescue me from these people. I just took. I said, I'm not going to take that. I'm not going to take that. I don't fit. I just can't interact with these people. I'm just too inadequate. Then about 1962, we're stationed in a place called Loring Air Force Base, Maine. And I had these little, two little kids. I had absolutely no tools in which to be a parent. And it's freezing. It's 50 below zero outside. And these two little kids are driving me crazy. So I'm supposed to be an engineer. So I'm supposed to be a pilot. and I went to an Air Force doctor and he said take these and from 1962 until 1977 when I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I drank alcohol and I took Librium and Valium and Seconal and Nemutol and I'm teller to tell you that if you drink alcohol and take those drugs you are not an active alcoholic I call myself I have never understood speed freaks see I'm one of these people that my feelings I am so inadequate that I just want to get out I don't want to suit up and show up for life I just want out I am too terrified of life I just want out and I just did my dying on my living room sofa I'm not an active alcoholic I'm not an active alcoholic I'm not an active alcoholic I'm not an active alcoholic I just like to also say that I love this part of the country this is really really special part of the country to for me I lived here in 1973 and 1974 my ex-husband was stationed at the National Security Agency and he was retired from the Air Force he was medically retired from the Air Force from Andrews Air Force Base and but he was retired from the Air Force and he was retired from the Air Force and he was here just to bedecides to several pilots who were also too spaced bu him and he who just didn't know anything so we decided to stuck going to general courses to helpустить him and brought 320 pilots to be enlightened and tomorrow you will see what happened he got Neverland anyway Nelson together that was fun I'm not gonna lie he went to General Corps at that time based in home one of my favorite Mars science clients in the U.S. not I had all those opportunities and how we blow these opportunities because we're so terrified. And I had opportunities to see and meet people that I just couldn't do. There was no way I could go up and say hello or anything. I was just absolutely steeped in too much fear. Oh, my God, I could never talk to somebody like that. But this is what the fear, and the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, that absolute fear. And so it's always so special when I get to come back to the D.C. area, even though I lived in Glen Burnie. I guess you could say I lived outside of Baltimore, but stayed in this area. I mean, people would come see us, and it's like my kids, they say, gosh, it was great to see D.C., but every weekend it got old. So just taking people. Which is so fun. You're so blessed to live here. You are so blessed to live here. It's fabulous. At any rate, let me get sober. I came to these rooms before April the 11th. I am not somebody that walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and said, geez, I think I'll get sober. I had a car wreck. In January, I was in a car wreck. In January of 77. And I'm a blackout drinker. And I just love what Tom said today. He was talking about a blackout drinker. And somebody said that's a convenient way to not remember. You know, I've desperately tried to remember things, and they're gone. Those memories are gone. And I heard that a blackout was a form of amnesia. So I don't know that I'll ever recall those things. But I had a car wreck in Irving, Texas. And I was taken to the Irving police station. And I got to see that look on the non-alcoholic's face that just doesn't understand why we do the things we do. And this policeman looked at my husband and I, and he said, why don't you just take her home and sober her up? And on the way home, my husband said, Polly, there's a treatment center, and it's not far from our house, and I wish you would go. And that night, I entered treatment for the first time. And I'm here to tell you this was no fancy jitter joint. This was a county detox. And I entered that detox, and they took us to a lot of AA meetings. And I loved Alcoholics Anonymous. I absolutely loved it. But the arrogance, I just kept thinking, but people like me don't become alcoholic. And Dr. Teabold says that there's two characteristics found in every alcoholic, and that's grandiosity. Grandiosity. Grandiosity. And defiant individuality. And my husband says, only an alcoholic can lay in the gutter feeling superior to those looking down on him. So that's who I was. People like me don't become alcoholic. And while I was in this treatment center, I had what we call in Texas a jitter house romance. You know, where sick falls in love with sick, and you walk off into happy destiny. Well, I walked off into happy destiny for 58 days. And I was 12. And I stepped and brought back into that treatment center more dead than alive. And I had reached that place in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that talks about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Because now I knew what the problem was. The problem was sobriety. Now that same tape I just told you about with Clancy. Clancy talks about the disease of alcoholism. The disease of alcoholism being a disease of perception. And he also talks about the disease of alcoholism. And that drinking has nothing to do with the disease of alcoholism. You see, I haven't had anything to drink or any other kind of funny pills or any other kind of drugs for 21 years. Yet I have the disease of alcoholism real bad. In fact, I need to come to a lot of meetings. Because the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, tells me the disease rests in the mind. And I need to continually treat the mind. At any rate, I knew that there was no way I could stay sober. You see, I didn't even know anything about the disease of alcoholism. But I already knew that I could not stay sober. I could not live inside my own skin sober. There was no way I could do that. And I knew that there was no way I could do this program. And not drink. Because I would absolutely die if I couldn't drink. Sobriety was the problem. And I know today that I would not have the life I had if it were not for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because if I don't have this program, I can't live inside my skin. I can't, I am a person who just can't live in my own skin without this program. So I left that treatment center after that seven day detox. And I got a bottle of thallium. And I got a bottle of alcohol. And I got a bottle of scotch. And I checked into a motel. I don't believe that there's anybody in this room that doesn't have an Eskimo in your life. And that's someone who leads us to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I had such a lady in my life. And she knew absolutely nothing about the disease of alcoholism. But she loved me. And she said that day that something came over her. And today, I know what that something was. That was God working in my life through her. And she drove around until she found my car parked outside this motel. And I hadn't shut the door all the way. It was just kind of closed. And she pushed it open and she found me there. And on April the 8th of 1977, I was pronounced dead on arrival in a hospital in Bedford, Texas. And that April the 8th of 1977 was Good Friday of that year. And I was pronounced dead on arrival. And that's what Dave said today. That God just came down and kissed me. It was a total divine intervention. And I ended up being court committed to a treatment center in Dallas, Texas. And I entered that treatment center on Monday, April the 11th. And by God's grace, in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't had a drink since. And my life is absolutely... fabulous. And I want to tell you that my life has not been without pain. And my life has not been without challenges. Or any of the other things. But my life is fabulous. And what has happened is... is that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has not given me a rose garden. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the ability to do life on life's terms. And I never, ever could do life. I never could do life on life's terms. And the gifts I've gotten are beyond my greatest expectation. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says... that great events will come to pass. That's the great fact for us all. And so I'm going to spend the rest of my talk telling you about my great events that have come to pass. When I was three years sober, I married another member of this fellowship. And Dave is definitely a great event that's come to pass. And Dave and I... It was really funny because the weekend before last we were in Columbus, Ohio. And we had a five year anniversary there. And a bunch of us spoke. Dick and Peggy spoke. And a bunch of us that were there for the first conference that they had. Well I tell you, I showed up at that conference. And my buddy Keith L. I thought I was going to die. And because I thought my life was falling apart. David lost his job. We had found out that Dave's son was diagnosed with AIDS. It was just like nothing could have been any worse. I just knew my life was coming to an end. And it had been a long five years. And I need to share about this too because you know, you never have to walk alone. Ever. And I remember... Dick saying, you know, you guys don't have to worry about it. You just come and you move to Bellevue, Nebraska. And you live in our basement. And you just work for Dykobe until you find something else. You don't worry about it. That's the way it'll be. You know, you never have to worry about it. You are taken care of. And that's Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll never forget that. I was in... We were in Greeley, Colorado. And Dick said, just come on. Just come on. And that's Alcoholics Anonymous. That you don't ever have to do anything alone ever, ever again. No matter what life gives you. And I've ceased thinking God gives you bad things. Life just is life. And God and His infinite love carries you through it. So, anyway... As of last Monday... All that got better. And after five long years... And keeping faith with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous... And my husband having these menial little, you know, hayboy jobs. But just showing up and doing... And this man is a computer scientist. We're not talking about somebody who... You know, but when the aerospace industry went, so did he. And he just... His ethic was... Is that you remain principled at all times. And you show up and you do the best job you can. And we went with that because of Ed Chandler. Ed Chandler used to... You know, I know you guys know he's a big deal in Washington. But he used to clean phone booths. That's what he used to do. And you do it and you give it all you got. Right, Ed? You give it all you got. And that's what he did. And so that ended as of last Monday. And it was like, wow. Five years later... You show up at that reunion. And my life was in the toilet in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew it was falling apart. And five years later, it's like, gosh. But you just suit up and show up and do the deal no matter what. When you're asked to go, you go. And I can remember us... I can remember the powwow the year you and I spoke, Cliff. And I was in that room. And, boy, I'll tell you what. If you have not been to the powwow, you need to go to the powwow. It is like... We're in this elegant resort that they rent these rooms for, like, really reasonable. Of course, it's 140 in the shade. But it's a great hotel. And Dave and I were in this hotel. And I just said, you know, you need to pitch me. We don't have a pot or a window to throw it out of. But look where we are because of Alcoholics Anonymous. Look where we are. And we were there because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And because... You know, and I don't think it's any big deal to be a speaker in AA. For some reason, it doesn't matter, whatever you're doing in AA. For some reason, I just got touched with a little gift of gab. That's all. It's no big deal. I'm no better than anybody else. It's just that somebody... You know, God gave me a little gift. And I opened my mouth and I yak-yak a lot. And that's it. The rest is, I still believe the very most important thing I'll ever do in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is do just what we did today at lunch. Is sit there and one alcoholic talking to another. And especially if it's somebody you sponsor or sponsors you. And there's no love in the world like that. That special bond that just connects people. And that's the most important thing that I do in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I want to tell you something. This is a lot of fun. This is a lot of fun. Not the speaking so much, but the going places and meeting all these people. It's so, so special. And I'm so grateful for that. The gifts in Alcoholics Anonymous. And Dave and I kept faith. But I can tell you, as real AA, I was real angry with God. I had my fist at God. You know, how can this be happening to me? You know, look how many people I sponsor. Look how much service I am. How is this happening to me? But you know, let me just tell you. I wouldn't have taken anything for the journey. And I just believe that that's all it is. It's just an opportunity to grow. Because what I learned along the way, there's a guy that you all know by the name of Sandy B. And Sandy, I heard a long time ago, but I didn't understand it until five years ago. And Sandy says, we come to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and our receivers are broken. And my receiver was broken. And it did not begin to get healed until five years ago. Because you see, I like being a big deal. I like taking you to dinner. And I like picking up the tab. It makes me feel good. It's really hard for you to buy me dinner. It's really hard for you to give things to me. It's really hard for me to accept your love. And by God's grace and a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, my receiver began to be healed. And Dave and I had some experiences. I would get really angry because of this job thing. And probably nobody heard a lot of it more than my buddy Ed. And I would talk, because I was angry, you know, at the things that were going on. But what I would try to do is I would try to act differently than I felt. And for a long time I always had that edge in my voice. You know how we can get that edge in our voice that says, please feel sorry for me. And, uh, I'm still so sick. Total manipulation. And I'm really glad that I keep being humbled because I tell you, if I didn't, I'm not sure, because I've got alcoholism real bad. And I'm really glad that I get, you know, I get knocked to my knees. But what I've learned is that, you know, I've learned that I'm not going to be able to do anything. I'm not going to be able to do anything. You know? I don't want toнитitit. I can't, no one else can speak to this thing. Thank you. Yep. Territory love. You're saying that, if I packaged that on ice, that it would occur like I had food poisoning in my chest? Okay. That was something I would, I would always tell people is keep, I'll never eat decentitos but I will keep eating good stuff. I'm going to. because I'm just, you know, so spiritual. But I've had a lot of problems with jealousy, you know, and all kinds of things. Jealous because you had more money than I did. You had a better house than I did. You know, it's like, when am I going to get mine? But most of all, I was jealous around my husband. Because, you see, I sponsor some really gorgeous women. Really gorgeous women. And they're all younger than me. And we all know men like younger women. As soon as they get older, you know, us old women get thrown to the side. We all know that, right, don't we? We all know that. That's the kind of head, you know, I have. And it's like, they're all younger than me. And worst, the very worst thing of all, is they're all thinner than me. And they love Dave. And Dave loves them. I had a lot of problems with that. I had a lot of problems with that. And finally, somewhere along this journey, I realized that that had nothing to do, those feelings had nothing to do with those beautiful women. It only had to do with my relationship with God. Because, you see, if my relationship with God is an, I don't have those icky feelings. Those icky feelings aren't there. My feelings are, if you've got something I don't have, I'm thrilled for you. That's the kind of feeling I have when God and I are connected. And that's why I love, about the disease of alcoholism, rests in the mind. I love the part in the book that says, most of our problems are of our own making. Thank God. If my problems are of anybody else's making, the only way I'm going to get better is if you change. There's the only way I'm going to get better. And I sponsor a woman who's there. She has eight years of sobriety and she still can't get it. She can't get that it's not about them. And she's still a bitter old woman. Because she just can't see that she does it. She just can't get it. That she's the problem. But the kicker is, the one thing that I love about my relationship with God, is that, the one that really is the kicker, that says it all, is in the 12 and 12. In the 10th step. It says, it is a spiritual axiom. Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me. And today, I don't need to go looking anywhere else, when I get those icky feelings. Because it's not about anybody else. It's just about me. And when I become accountable and responsible for my actions, past and present, I do pretty darn good. It's when I make my life about you. And when I make my life about you, I am totally screwed. Because I can't do anything. Because you've got to change in order to make me better. Dave and I have one of these relationships, that is really different. Now Dave is like this brain person. I'm not a brain person. And he's like got this huge IQ, and all of this stuff. And I don't even think with that side of the brain. I don't even, I can't even speak English. I mean, I'm always being, everybody's always laughing at me, because I'm constantly making up new words. And I don't do this on purpose. I really think they're real words. I can't, I mean, it's just like, I'm not there. I'm just totally whatever side of the brain it is over there. So we don't have anything there. Dave is a mountain climber, and a backpacker, and this outdoors guy that likes to take a four wheel through the mud, and put 40 pound packs on your back, and stay out in the woods, and sleep with the bears, and I don't do those things. I like showers, and I don't climb mountains, because you scrape your knees and break your fingernails. I don't do those things. But because we have a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, we fit. And it's the very, it is such a gift. And I thank you so much for the gift. I have a lot of heroes in this room. The people that are talking this weekend are my heroes. These are my heroes. And Albert and Sally. See, Dave and I didn't know how to have a relationship. We don't know how to have a relationship. Dave marries a lot. Dave's been married, I'm his fourth wife. He marries. They need to put a thing on him, if you've ever, you know, what they did to Sandy, on that bumper sticker. If you've been married to Sandy Beech, you know what Sandy Beech is. Sandy Beech is a beach hog. Because he's been married a lot. And I'm one of these, you know, martyrs. I just hang in there. Because I was married 22 years the first time. I mean, you know, I was miserable, and look what I did for them. But, you know, it's not, oh, 666. We had no idea how to have a relationship. Dave and I could take a hostage, but we couldn't have a relationship. And we started, get heroes in your life. And do what they do. That's what I was told to do. Go get a hero and do what they do. And I watched Sally and Albert. And if Albert would have lived this year, he and Sally would have been married 50 years. And I wish you could have seen Albert court Sally. He treated her like a queen. Boy, no matter, I've traveled with her several times. And we did some woman to woman together. And she'd open up her suitcase. And she'd have all these notes from Albert. He treated her like a queen. And I wanted what they had. I want to have a relationship like that. And Ellen and Red, when Red died, he and Ellen had been married 31 years. And they were two alcoholics hooked up together. And Ellen and Red took in, took drunks into their house and detoxed them with booze. Right up till Red was too sick to do it. That's what they did. And they were happily married. And Ellen had plucked a newcomer. And it, you know, my gosh, it worked. And then Dave and I began to watch a couple out in Nebraska. Dick and Peggy. And Dick and Peggy, we got the opportunity to hear them do traditions in your marriage. In relationship. But it was in marriage. It was in marriage. It works in any relationship. But we got to learn about traditions. And one more time, Dave and I were in awe about our answers were in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The miracle of the program. And these are the things that Dave and I do. And Dave and I don't have a clue how to have a relationship or how to do marriage. But I can tell you standing here today at 17 and a half years of sobriety, there may be people out there who have a better marriage. But there's nobody, I mean, that have as good a marriage as I have. But nobody has a better marriage than I have. I have a fabulous marriage. And 17 and a half years later, I am still totally in love with my husband. And he still has what I want. And that's the miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. My sons. I get to sleep with a grandpa and he gets to sleep with a grandma. And that's just totally neat. Let me tell you about my sons. I told you a little bit about Russ. My oldest son was a person who was just absolutely traumatized and suffered a lot of depression. And let me just tell you what happened. Let me just tell you where I stand today with the disease of alcoholism. The disease of alcoholism traumatizes families. Now, we have a meeting in Southern California and it's really great. It's called a family afterwards. And an Al-Anon and an AA talk at that meeting. And I think that's a chapter in the book that a lot of us just fail to read. And it talks about how we need to treat our families. And that they need to be part of that consideration. And I believe like Tom. It's my AA program. It's amazing how God never allows that to get in the way. If we just keep those priorities in order. Just never, it never ceases to amaze me. But I think sometimes we forget about the family afterwards. And what I realize is, is that the disease of alcoholism traumatizes children. And you see, I'm the kind of mother that they don't let have children today. The kind of mother I am. They lock up or take kids away from. Because you see, I'm a child abuser. And what I do to my children, the law doesn't allow anymore. And what I did besides physical abuse and spiritual abuse. Was an emotional abuse beyond anything I can describe. And what I did was I blatantly neglected my children. I had little bitty children. I look at my grandson, who's going to be five. Next month. Five years old. And I have left my five year old James. While I passed out on the sofa and didn't even know what he was doing. And I can't even imagine my five year old Ryan being unsupervised. I can't even imagine it. But you know, thank God for the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. As you get in there and you get to see your part. That magic column that tells. Our part in it. And the courage of step nine. That we get to go make the amends. Because I've been able to sit down with my children. And tell them how sorry I am. That I am a child abuser. And how sorry I am. That their life was what it was because they had me. For a mom. And you know, they didn't have any choice in that. They had me. And they had to survive what happened. Now my son James says. Mom. Mom I believe that I'd have been an alcoholic. Whether you were an alcoholic or not. Because you were. And I believe that too. But because of a disease called alcoholism. It has made them have to get over a lot. Because you see. Their problems have my name on it. But their solutions have theirs. There is nothing I can do for anybody's solution. Nothing. And it's been those kind of things. And those kind of. The courage to change the things I can. The courage to be able to say. How sorry I am that happened to you. And to be able to sit. And listen. And I did it in a therapist's office. With both my sons. I'm not sure I could have done it any other way. And they sat there. And they were able to tell me. What it felt like to have me for a parent. And not one time did I have to say. You shouldn't feel that way. Not one time did I have to say that. All I had to say was. How sorry I am. That that happened to you. And I want you to know. That walking through. Probably which was the greatest fear of my life. Was to have to level with those kids. To walk through that fear. I have a relationship today with my sons. That is beyond anything I could have ever ever dreamed of. It is totally special. And I have one child. I told you about Russ. Who was trying to take his life. Numerous times. Numerous times. And it wasn't until I was speaking. Till I could. I just about loved him to pieces. It's to death. It's just a good thing. I was on the east coast. And he on the west coast. And he was on the east coast. Because if I know. If I'd have been five miles closer. I'd have killed him. I know I would have killed him. I know I would have killed him. Because all I was trying. I was trying to save him. And I didn't know how to do that. And that's why I say. I know that there are a lot of people in AA. Who stand up between. Behind podiums. And talk about those people. You know. Do you ever know who those people are? They're usually the people in the rooms of Al-Anon. Well let me just tell you my friends. I am a grateful member of Al-Anon. And you know. I used to go into rooms. And say what can I do about this? I'm a grateful member. I used to say what can I do about these kids? What can I do about these kids? And I was just crazy. And the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Would say turn him over. Turn him over. Turn him over. And one day I went screaming into a meeting. And I said would somebody just tell me how to do that? And I found out they didn't know either. So I went to Al-Anon. They know how to do it. And I always say. Russ drove me. That James drove me to the rooms of Al-Anon. And Russ keeps me there. And I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon. And I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon. But I watched Russ try to take his life. And I found out about a powerlessness. That I've never known about. But it was one more time. In the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That I was saved. And I was doing something just like I'm doing this afternoon. Except it was Saturday morning. And my daughter-in-law had called me the night before. And she told me that my son had put a pair of scissors in his stomach. And I thought I was going to die. I just said I can't take this. I can't do it. And this wonderful woman. And this wonderful man came up to me after I had finished talking. And he said young lady. You and I need to get into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And we need to read the chapter to the agnostic. And you need to know that God either is or he isn't. He is either all things or he's nothing. And that Russ is God's kid. And what God does with his kids is none of your business. And by God's grace and a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. I was able to release Russ. On September the 19th of 1996. Catherine Marie Lee was born. And we call her Katie. And she's my granddaughter. And I'm here to tell you she's the prettiest little girl you'll ever want to see. And she's mine on Thursday nights. I babysit her on Thursday nights. And she's Dave's on Sunday morning. So I'm usually out of town. And he takes care of her. And she's absolutely adorable. And every time I hear her. And every time I see Katie. I thank God that Russ didn't take his life. Because you see if Russ had taken his life. I wouldn't have Katie. And they're expecting another one. The miracles. And it was because of you who taught me to let go. And for me to get out of God's business. To just get out of the business of playing God. A great event that's come to pass. I've got a son named James. James is a bad alcoholic and drug addict. James was a little old Venice roaming drug addict and alcoholic. With hair out to here. And shorts up his butt. And on a skateboard. And God I'm telling you. It was just. Dave called it his Venice Beach uniform. And he was dying fast from a disease called alcoholism. And when I was six and a half years sober. My son James called me on the phone. And he said mom I want what you have. And six and a half years before. I was supposed to attend a function at his school. And he said don't you dare show up at my school. Because I am ashamed of you. And six and a half years later. He wants what I have. And he celebrated fourteen years of sobriety. January the third. That's a great event that's come to pass. Now I want to tell you what you've done for James. James ended up graduating from the University of Texas. Went on to get a master's degree. With highest honors I might add. Went on to get a master's degree from Northwestern. Today has his own business. His own high tech training business. Very successful. That's what you've done. But it's not about the money. And he knows that it's not about the money. And he knows that if he doesn't keep faith with Alcoholics Anonymous. He said I was there this week. But week before last. And he says every time I drive up to my house. I can't believe that God has allowed me to have this. This is all because of Alcoholics Anonymous. The only thing I can do with me. Is just run. The beaches of Venice. And take drugs. That's all I can do. That's all I can do. And sit there and drink alcohol with an old guy named Bobby. Who's been dead for a while. That's all I know how to do. On May the 23rd 1993. God gave us a gift. And he's. And Kelly's eight years sober. So James and Kelly are two Alkies hooked up together. And. And. And. They had Ryan. And I'm here to tell you. I thought. The world had stopped. Definitely the waters. You know. Had parted. Because Ryan was born. And he is absolutely the cutest little thing you will ever see in your life. And he's got blonde curly hair. And everybody who sees him says he looks just like me. I just love that. And. When Ryan was 18 months old. He was. 18 months old. We got some devastating news. We found out that Ryan was profoundly deaf. And boy I had my. Fist at God. How can this. I never knew pain like that. Because all I could think about was what was going to happen to my little Ryan. As he got older. What do you do if you don't hear. How do you make it in this world if you don't hear. And I had my fist at God. How could this be happening to me. Don't you see how many people I sponsor. Don't you see how much service. One more time I want God to reward me. And I don't see the rewards that are in front of me. I can't see them. Because you see. I live on the plans. And God is spirit. I couldn't see the spiritual lessons. That I was about to be taught. Ryan is. It's very difficult to have a child who has special needs. But I wish you could watch James and Kelly. Doesn't cost too much. It doesn't take too much time. It's never too much. And see what you did. Is James was 21 when he got sober. I mean he was really old compared to a lot of you guys. But he got sober. But he was 21. And Kelly. Was a little older. I can't remember she was about 25 or so. At any rate. Because you taught them to get out of self. In a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. They have been able to be relieved of the bondage of self. To be the kind of parents that this little boy needs. Because it's just never too much. Ryan has probably been the most single healing force in our family. He has brought us together. As nothing else has. Because all of this. Kelly's family has been ripped apart by a disease called alcoholism. And James' family has been ripped apart by a disease called alcoholism. And these poor little kids have so many grandmas and grandpas. They don't know what to do. And it's just absolutely so fabulous. What this healing has been. And the healing is. Is that I got to go to college. I got to go to college because I had to learn sign language. We've all had to learn sign language. In order to communicate with this little boy. And you ought to see Katie and Chris do sign language. These little guys doing it. It's just too much. It's just too much. The miracle of the healing that takes place. You see I had no idea what God was about to do. Got a grandson named Chris. And he's another miracle. You see because Kelly. We found out Kelly was pregnant. We found out Kelly was pregnant with Chris. And they were getting ready to come to California. And she was probably four or five months pregnant. She was five months pregnant. Or four months pregnant anyway. And she was getting ready to come. And they said well because you've had a child with a birth defect. We want to do this test to make sure that the baby you carry is okay. And when they did this test. They found out that she was in late stages of about ready to miscarry this child. And they put her. They did a surgery on her. And put her to bed for five months. Now there's not anybody in our family who doesn't see the miracle. Because you see if Ryan hadn't been deaf. We wouldn't have Chris. Because Kelly would have never ever had that test. And see I'm so glad that Winnie Eddie used to say this. I'm so glad that God. You see if God was somebody who was big enough for me. If I was big enough to understand. God. Then he wouldn't be big enough to do what he does. Because you see the way God works in my life. I don't get it. It works in such fabulous ways. Beyond anything I could ever imagine. Is the way God works in my life. I want to tell you one more story about Ryan. And some of you have been able to see this. I know Dick's watched me run up and down the halls. At conferences. Chasing these little guys. And Ryan can see this. And Ryan can say Papa. And he goes Papa. Papa. And it's just hysterical. And he'll come into a meeting or something. And it's like shh. And Ryan doesn't know shh. Because he can't hear shh. And if he's saying anything. Or hollering it's loud. But the gifts. God the gifts. And I got to ask. I don't know if any of you do things like this. But it's just like what you were talking about Tom. You know especially if it's on a work night. And it's driving 70 or 80 miles. To talk in a meeting. And you know you got to get up at 5 the next morning. And go to work. It's just I don't want to do it. I don't want to be there. They smoke too much. It's none of it's going to work. And that's what's going on with my head. None of it's going to work. I don't want to go. I'm just. And then you just get in the car. And go. And I went up to this meeting. In Rancho Cucamonga. And that's the name of the place. Rancho Cucamonga. And it was an Alano club. And there was a lot of smoke. And it was a place I didn't want to go to. And because nobody's going to listen. They're all out in the front. Going in and out. Smoking cigarettes. And doing all that stuff. And it's just you know me. Bad attitude. Doesn't matter what my attitude is. It just matters that I get up and do it. That I just take the action. Just do the deal. No matter what. So I got in the car. And I drive to Rancho Cucamonga. And I'm sitting there. And I'm talking like I always do. You know. In fact. One of my military friends says. Polly. You go to meetings. Like most people go to cocktail parties. And I didn't do cocktail parties. In those years at all. I was too terrified to do cocktail parties. I was afraid to open my mouth. But here I am doing all this stuff. And the secretary comes running up to me. And he says. Oh my God Polly. I don't know what we're going to do. There's a lady here. She only has four days of sobriety. She's deaf. And she doesn't read lips. And I said. It's okay. I sign. And I was able to carry the message. Of Alcoholics Anonymous. To this lady. Now I spoke there. About three months ago. Had the same attitude. Didn't want to go. Knew what it was going to be like. Went with the same reluctance. I'm going to get home at midnight. It's so far. I got to get up at five. I'm going to be so tired. Yada. Yada. Yada. Yada. Same attitude. So I just tell that story. Just like I just told. And that secretary. Who wasn't secretary anymore. Came up to me. And he says. I wondered if you remembered that moment. I said. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember that lady. And I said. Remember that lady. She's part of changing my life. And he said. I want you to know. She's still sober. And she never fails to say. That you carried the message to her. The very first night. She came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And she had no idea anybody would sign here. Because of Ryan. I've gotten to meet a group of people. I would have never gotten to meet. a whole community. Do you know how many people are in Alcoholics Anonymous that are deaf? It is incredible. And I've had the opportunity to carry the message. I think it's real important that we behave at all times. I think it is a responsibility. If I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, unless I missed it, the 12th step says, practice these principles in all of my affairs. That doesn't mean I can come in here and be wonderful. That means I've got to get out on an L.A. freeway and drive nicely. And I'm here to tell you that an L.A. freeway is a spiritual awakening. And I drive an hour each way. I drive from Orange County to LAX every day. And, you know, most of the time what I feel like is shooting everybody out there the finger. But you see, I've got one of those little round circles on my car. And it's real important to me that I behave the way you've taught me to behave. It's real important that I am kind and polite to people. It's important that I am an example of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm going to share a story about that. This happened just all, just a couple of weeks ago. This last September. It was Katie's one year birthday. I walked into this subway close to my house. We were eating one of these big long sandwiches for her birthday. And there's two women over there. And they're, yeah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And I'm standing there. And, you know, this is what I'm thinking. Will you please shut up? You have a customer. Don't, I mean, come on. Will you just stop? You're not waiting on anybody. You're just talking. And I'm just so irritated. I'm so irritated with these two women. And so finally she sees me. And she goes, oh, hi. And she comes running over there. And she says, takes my order. And she says, and your name? And I said, Polly Pistol. And she drops her pen. And she says, oh, my God. I heard you speak of it woman to woman. Now wouldn't it have been wonderful if I had acted like I felt? So it's wonderful. But it's really important to me that I behave principled in this program at all times. It is important that I behave like a member of Alcoholics Anonymous at all times. It's also important to me that we protect this fellowship. And I believe what you said, Tom. There are a lot of people out there doing a lot of things I don't like. There's a lot of things going on that I don't like. One of them is I don't like people practicing medicine from the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't think people who don't have medical degrees should be telling people what to take and not to take. You know, that's an outside issue. And that's none of my business. I don't think that's a good idea. I think we need to protect this program. I think we need to take care of this program. Because you see, I think my little grandson Ryan is going to need you. And I want this program just the way it was when I came here 21 years ago. And I want this program to be a part of my life. I want this program here just the way it was when James came here 14 years ago. Because I want the program and all of its purity delivered to my grandson Ryan when he comes. And it needs to be protected because it is absolutely the lifeline to people like you and me. And it's so important to me that I take care of this program. Great events have come to pass. That's the great fact for us all. If you had told me to make a list of all the things that I wanted in sobriety, I'd have never had the nerve to ask God to give me the things that he's given me. I'd have never had the nerve to ask God to give me a husband like Dave or friends like you. But you see, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "'Left to Me'." I would have settled for so much less. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "'Left to My Own Devices' I'll self-destruct." The very best I could do for me was to get me pronounced dead on arrival. But thanks to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, you have breathed life into me. And today, I am the woman I always wanted to be. I don't always feel enough, but I feel enough today more than I've ever felt enough. And I know that my God is the one who's going to be there for me. He's the one who wants me to be happy, joyous, and free. He tells me that he wants me to have the keys to the kingdom. And I know that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is my key to the kingdom. The place that I always felt like a failure was that as a mom. And a few years ago, my sons told me, Mom, you're the mom we always wanted you to be. And that's a great event that's come to pass. I talked to my son James yesterday morning. He called me about 5 o'clock yesterday morning and we were talking and he said he knew I was coming to Washington D.C. this weekend. And he says, Mom, you be sure and tell all those people in Washington D.C. and Falls Church, Maryland, which is where it really is, loves you. And that's a great event that's come to pass. God bless you. I love you.