Physically Drunk but Never Mentally Drunk — Where an Alcoholic Woman Stops Being Able to Protect Herself – Madeline P.

About This Speaker Tape

Madeline P. shares her story at the 2011 Colorado State Convention with raw honesty and sharp humor. Born and raised in Houston, Texas, she grew up in an emotionally sterile Southern Baptist family where her parents — themselves children of alcoholics — kept a dry house but carried all the isms of alcoholism. She describes herself as a neurotically shy child who couldn't sit in a cafeteria without hyperventilating, and who knew from a young age she wanted to drink. At 13, she and her twin brother took their first drink — it did nothing for him, but for her it exploded. From that day forward she never went more than two weeks without drinking, and drank daily through high school.

She married her high school sweetheart, a man whose drug of choice was rage, and threw herself into work to escape. After the marriage fell apart, her drinking escalated dramatically, compounded by cocaine use in the 1980s. She describes the progression with devastating specificity — the amateur hooker clothes, the walk of shame past the church ministers' yard, the boss dropping articles about alcoholic women into her inbox. She reached a point where she was physically drunk but couldn't get mentally drunk, leaving her unable to protect herself. She was assaulted, ended up in emergency rooms covered in blood, and ultimately sat with a loaded gun in her mouth wishing she could pull the trigger.

After entering treatment, she missed Christmas with her three-year-old daughter — which became her breaking point and the beginning of real surrender. Her German-Texan sponsor drove her through the steps without delay. The amends process was transformative: five of six people on her never list appeared within six months in a city of four million, and a letter from her father arrived via a postal worker's hoarded garbage bag — timing she credits to a higher power willing to mess with the U.S. Postal Service. She went on to become a forensic nurse caring for assault victims, served as Idaho's delegate and Pacific Regional Trustee to the General Service Board from 2006 to 2010, and learned to walk through a painful sober divorce at 22 years by leaning on fellowship rather than walls.

Madeline closes with the parable of Palm Sunday — reminding the audience that when Jesus rode into Jerusalem, the donkey saw the same cheering crowds. She asks: what if the donkey thought all that was for him? As trusted servants, she says, we must remember we are just the jackass carrying the message.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction — sobriety date November 14, 1985, home group is Rule 62 in Middleton, Idaho
• 4:00 Page 102 of the Big Book — maximum helpfulness to others, the paragraph that changed everything
• 7:00 Growing up in an emotionally sterile Southern Baptist family with parents named Joseph and Mary
• 10:00 First drink at 13 with twin brother — his went plop, hers exploded
• 15:00 Violent marriage, unwanted pregnancy, drinking through it and throwing herself into work
• 22:00 Cocaine in the 1980s, boss dropping articles about alcoholic women, walk of shame past the ministers' yard
• 28:00 Assaulted while blackout drunk, covered in blood in the ER — later became a forensic nurse to care for victims
• 33:00 Loaded gun in her mouth, employee sent to babysit her, week-long bender trying to die
• 40:00 Treatment — missing Christmas with her three-year-old, British roommate breakdown, foundation of the steps
• 50:00 Amends — five never-list people appear in six months, father's letter arrives via hoarded mail, burning it in the ashtray
• 58:00 Sober divorce at 22 years, women who carried her, Palm Sunday donkey parable about service