Physical Allergy and Mental Obsession – Dallas Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – Audrey C.

Hey guys, I'm Audrey Chapman. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Good morning. What we're going to do is we're gonna go through the steps. We're gonna to go through The Big Book and talk about what this stuff really is. A lot of you have spent a lot of time in AA and CA and various other fellowships and a lot times what we see is that we come in these rooms looking for a solution and we talk about everything but the solution. And so what we're gunna do today is all we're ganna talk about is these steps, these principles, how to work with others from the perspective of a sponsor, taking somebody else through this work so that you understand what it is that we're doing. So I'm going to talk about step one. Michael's going to be talking about step two, and then we're going to take a break. So if you've got a big book and you want to play along, grab it. We'll start at the beginning. All right. Flip to that title page, Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to say a couple things before we roll into the first step. One of the most important things that this big book is going to talk about is this idea that you can be recovered, that you get well, that it can be different, that your not fighting the obsession to drink or use on a consistent basis. And the first place it tells me that is the title page where it says the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism, ED, past tense. And that's very different than what you're going to hear in mainstream rooms where they'll tell you you'll always be recovering and you'll be sick. And thank God that's not the truth and that we can get somewhere different but first we to find out what is the problem. Flip over to the foreword of the first edition. I'm going to qualify this book and talk about a couple things. It should be X and three little I's. Whoever put Roman numerals in a book for drunks is just beyond me. But flip to the forward of the fourth edition, let's talk about it. Let's talk a couple of things. It says we have Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered, there's that word again, from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. So right off the bat they're going to set us up for what is The Problem. Sometimes all we're talking about is the drama and the consequences. But step one is really about what is the problem in the body and the mind. So to show other alcoholics precisely how we've recovered is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. The good news is that if you want to get well, the big book is all you need. Maybe you get you a 1939 dictionary. That could be very helpful, but this is the only thing that you need So for somebody that's been searching for a long time in the self-help section of the bookstore, good news. This is all I'm going to need. It says, we think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic. Many do not comprehend the alcoholic as a very sick person, and besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all. So right off the bat, the thing that drew me into this was that they used the word experiences. is. I'm a drunk that has sat in front of a lot of well-meaning people that tried to draw me into a solution, having never had the experience of what it's like to wake up in the morning not want to get loaded and know for sure you're going to against your own will. And so what's cool about this is that it talks about the experiences of the first 100 that wrote this book, that they understand the problem, they understand the solution, and not because they read it somewhere, but because they've lived it. So it's just an important point. Let's go over to the doctor's opinion. When you get there, flip two pages in. If you're in a fourth edition, it should be XXVIII. That top left-hand line should read craving for liquor because we want to get down to what's really going on. What is the problem in the body? What is the problem of the mind and what does this really look like? And so what's going to happen is the doctor's opinion is going to set me up for what are the logistics of step one. In that top left paragraph it says, we believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. The first thing we're going to talk about is what's the problem in the body. That the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. So what are we really saying? What are they really talking about? Sometimes we Here we have an allergy, but we don't really understand what that means. And an allergy is an abnormal reaction to any food or chemical put in or on the body. So it means that something different is going to happen. Like when I take penicillin, my throat constricts, my heart races, I can't breathe. That's not normal. It's an abnormal reactant. It's a reaction to a chemical. We give it to somebody else, they get better. That's a normal reaction. So what they're saying about alcohol is that the abnormal reaction that happens in my body when I put it in is that my body craves more and more and More and More. I mean, what is it about that 15th beer that's so good you've got to have it? You can only get so loaded. You know what I mean? How much drunker can you get? But why do we keep reaching for that next and that next because my body demands that I do so. And that's about a craving that's beyond my mental control. It's not normal to crave a poison, but my body does because it's abnormal. And that's what the allergic reaction looks like. It says these allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all. Any form at All. Get really clear on what that means. Anytime that alcohol gets in my bloodstream, no matter how it gets there, it has the ability to trigger the allergy, which sets the craving in motion, which my body wants more and more and More. And so why I have to be careful about this is I see a lot of you relapse around prescription pads. Well, my dentist gave me a prescription for a painkiller, so it's okay. My doctor prescribed dot, dot, dots, so the pain killer is okay. So it's all right. Be careful with that. If it gets in your bloodstream and it breaks down with the same components as alcohol, it has the ability to cause you to crave more. And a lot OF us don't understand that. You can't beat something physically that's already there. I can't, you know, opt out of a shot of penicillin, just take a pill and think I'll beat what's going to happen to my body. I won't. I won' t. So I've got to be really careful about that. If it pours, read the label. You know, sometimes there's alcohol and stuff we don't even realize. So it's my responsibility, not anybody else's, for that. Okay? It says, and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, and the problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve. Sound familiar? Right. The story of our life. I formed a habit early on, and now I find I can't break it. Lost my self-confidence. You know that ability to look at yourself in the mirror and kind of give yourself a pep talk? You know the pep talks about how today's the day. I'm really going to pull it together. Today's the Day. I'm going to reign it in, knowing good and well it's not going to be today. It's not gonna be today because it's never today. I can't do it on my own. I lose my reliance on things human. My problems pile up on me, and the only thing that convinces me of is let's have a beer and think about it. Anybody else in here a thinker? Let me just get alone in the corner with a drink and a pen and a pad, and I'm going to come up with something. But what happens is I put one in. I'm for sure going to put 15 in, whether or not I intended to, and that's about a physical allergy. And it says, frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. Let's talk about that for a second. What is frothy emotional appeal? It looks like it comes in so many forms. It looks the judge trying to scare you into sobriety. It looks co-worker threatening to tell on you. It looks child begging you. Does anybody else in here have kids? I know there are some of you that have kids. Have you ever had your kid look at you with that scared look in their eyes? You didn't intend to do that. Why didn't you stop? Do you love your kids? Absolutely, absolutely and if you could quit for them you would but that frothy emotional appeal is not enough. It can do various things. It kan scare me, it can make me feel guilty, it can break my heart but it will never be enough for me not to pull up in front of the liquor store. You guys get that? Right? It might hold me in check for a minute. Bill talks about it in his story in various places. Fear sobered him for a bit, and it will sober you right up until the point you pick up a drink. Frothy emotional appeal. Me pleading with you or trying to frighten you will never suffice. It just won't. It says the message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight, which means you need to have experienced the physical allergy. You need to experience the mental obsession for me to hear you. That's where that connectivity happens when one drunk sits down with another. One addict sits down and all of a sudden our stories sync up because we've had the same experience. Flip down to that last paragraph. It says men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. Well, yeah. Isn't that why we're drinking? I'd love to delude myself and tell you I drink because I like the taste of bourbon. But what happens when you run out of bourbons? I'm drinking what you got. There's nothing nastier on God's green earth than gin, my opinion. But if we run out of my stuff, I'm drinking it. It doesn't matter, right? This is not about fun. It's not about a party. It'S not about tasting good. It' s about a need to get somewhere else and I know what it looks like. I drink for the effect. Well, what is that effect? What did you give up to recapture those moments of the past when it worked, when alcohol sufficed? We'll talk about that in a minute. It says the sensation is so elusive that while they admit it's injurious, they cannot, after a time, differentiate the true from the false. That sensation, that magic, when I could put a couple of shots in my system and shift internally, that magic that took place is elusive, meaning it's hard to get. It happened every time early on. The end days of our drinking, typically it's not happening, not often, but my mind takes me back to a place when it happened every single time, and that's the delusion that I chase over and over. When you were able to have a couple of drinks, your shoulders dropped, you could breathe, the voices in your mind, the chatter quieted down. That's the effect that I'm looking for. I'm working to knock the edge off and get right. See, I wasn't always trying to get loaded. Everybody was here on equal playing ground, and I was always here. I am just trying to play. You guys get that? I am trying to participate. I'm trying to just be here. But because of that physical allergy, I always overshot the mark and came up here. My mind took me to a place where I could control it and enjoy it, even though those days were gone. It says that it's elusive. While I admit it's injurious, while I admit there are some problems, there's some drama, there are some consequences, some of them external, some internal. Sometimes we get CPS stuff, We get health stuff, finances, legal problems. Those problems begin to pile up on us. The internal stuff is oftentimes much more worse. The inability to look at yourself in the mirror, the inability to make eye contact with other people, that kind of stuff, feeling like you've become the person that you despise. While I admit those things are happening, I can't tell the truth from the false. Now, the truth is every time I put alcohol in my system, I trigger the allergy, I overdrink, bad stuff happens. That's a fact based on experience. It's the truth. The false is my mind tells me this time I got it. This time I'll be able to stay within five to ten drinks, which is where I like to be. But I always overshoot the mark. This time it will work. This time It'll knock the edge off. This time, I won't get in the car. This time. I'll eat before this time. I won' t be around those people. And your mind will talk to you in various ways. But the point is, it's talking to you. And that's the problem. I can't tell the truth from the false. I just can't. And people often talk about the insanity that precedes the first drink. Why is it that you keep picking back up? I couldn't tell you at the time, but I gave myself a lot of reasons of why it was okay because I couldn'T tell the true from the fall. This is why people around you will look at you like, really? Didn'T we just bail you out of jail? Really? You're loaded again? didn't your kids just get taken away and seriously you're yes yes I am and I couldn't tell you why that was until I read this book says to them their alcoholic life seems the only normal one didn't yours mine sure did they are restless irritable and discontented unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks drinks which they see others taking with impunity what are you like without a drink or a chemical in your body aside from doing the step work. What are you like? Are you happy, joyous and free? I sure wasn't. I was irritable. Everybody and everything is on my nerves, like nails on a chalkboard. Restless, don't sleep. And when I do sleep, I'm not rested. Always shifting around, eyes always scanning the room. Restlessness, discontent, nothing and nobody's good enough. You find yourself saying things like, I'll be happy when. I'd be okay if. Always setting in motion this external thing so I can line all my ducks in a row so I don't have to get loaded. And what happens? I line them all up and I get drunk. Why? Because that's about an internal condition. It has nothing to do with what's going on on the outside. Make sense? All right. Irritable, restless, and discontent unless I can get a couple of drinks in my system. And that's what I'm chasing. That's the experience I'm trying to recapture over and over and over, and it says I'm watching others do it with impunity, without penalty. You ever look around and see some of these people that are able to sort of keep it together? They're drinking, but they're able to show up. They're ableto do what they need to do. They'reable to say no when they want to say no, and they'reableto scale it back when it's necessary. I have zero idea what that looks like, none. I always, always have penalty. So it says after they've succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. Guys, this is what they mean when they say my alcoholic life becomes the only normal one. I decide, I make the decision, today's the day. I'm not going to do this anymore. I succumb to the desire because I can stand to be alone in my own skin. I pick up one drink and I pick a 15th. Stuff happens. I wake up remorseful. God, I let it happen again. Firm resolution. Firm Resolution. This has got to end. I succum to the Desire. I pick the drink. It triggers the allergy. I'm off to the races. I wake again. Remorseful! See how that works? This becomes my only normal life. Now, if we'd have polled you at 12, 15, wherever it was before you started picking up and doing what you do and said, darling, here's how it's going to play out. This is what this is going to look like. I couldn't have convinced you. You couldn't Have convinced me. This is What It Will End Up Like because my case is different. I mean, ask yourself this. How many people sitting in this room have alcoholics or drug addicts in the family? Close friends, spouses, whatever. And you look at them and think, God, if I ever got as bad as you, I'd quit. If I ever let it get that out of control, I'd scale it back. And that's a real interesting thing to say because I've said it when it's you and you're coming up right behind them. This becomes my only normal life. And this is about a loss of choice and we're going to talk more about that in a minute. It says this is repeated over and over and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. This is repeated over andover andover And guys, don't read this like it's a novel. Don't read it like it is just a piece of literature. Take these words, match them up with your experience and see how it pans out. Is that your truth? Does this happen to you over and over and over despite your best effort to not let it be so? Take this and look at it for what it is. Because the problem is that last sentence that we just read is the death sentence of a real alcoholic, a real drug addict. That it's repeated over and over when I don't want it to, because the delusion that fueled me forever was I'll quit when I want to. When I decide and it gets bad enough, I'm going to scale it back. And it's a shocking moment when you go to make your move and it's not there. You go to exert your willpower and all of a sudden you don't have it. And you've got it in various areas of your life. But when it comes to combating alcohol, it's not there, it is gone and you come up short. So let's talk a little bit more about what that is. We've talked a little bit about the allergy and a little bit about obsession, but the bigger problem is going to be the one that's in my mind for this very simple reason. I've got an allergy to penicillin like I said a minute ago. I don't go to Penicilline Anonymous. It's a non-issue for me. I made a decision not to pick up penicilin because it reacts poorly with my body and done. So we can get you past the allergy if it's not in your system through this process called detox. But the problem is, you're going to pick it up again if you're like me. And that's not about an allergy. It's not about a craving. It is about an obsession in the mind. Often times we hear people in meetings say I'm three months sober and I'm really craving a drink today. No, you are not. You are obsessing. And there is a huge difference. I want to talk a little bit more about the obsession. Flip over to the real numbers, the big kid numbers. Flip over to page 20. Let's talk about a couple things. Down at the bottom of page 20, get clear about what this looks like because sometimes there's... I'm just going to say this. Not everybody sitting in our fellowship, not everybody sitting in our rooms is a real alcoholic or a real drug addict and so I'm going to qualify what that looks like. Because if you don't have the allergy and the obsession, you're not one of us. You're just not. And so they're going to talk about what this can look like. Look at the bottom of page 20. It says moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone. These are people that this is a non-issue. Take it or Leave it Alone. Can you imagine? No. No. Me neither. These are the people that will show up at the bar and when you offer to go buy everybody's shots because you're going. They'll say things like this, no thank you, I'm on antibiotics. I don't need a drink, I'm On Antibiotics. Never in my life has antibiotics stopped me from taking a drink. That makes zero sense to me. But it's just a non-issue. They're there just to hang. They're here and they're there just to be with you. No, no, I don' t understand that. These are the people that will show up at the party when there's nothing left. They'll stay because they're going to socialize. If the supply gets low, I'm looking for exit signs. Anybody else? Moderate drinkers, moderate users, that's not their story. They can take it or leave it alone. No biggie. Then we have a certain type of hard drinker, and this guy can look like us sometimes. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time, but here's the hook. Here's where he's different. If a sufficiently strong reason, ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate. He can if he decides to. Although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention. It may cause him some problems. It may trip him up a bit. But if he has enough of it based on a sufficient reason, like the spouse saying, I'm done, health becoming an issue, work problems, whatever, fill in the blank, he can stop or moderate. He does not suffer from the allergy. He does NOT suffer from the obsession. He can make a decision and has the power to pull it off. Ask yourself this, how many sufficient reasons have you had to never pick up again? I mean, some of you are just glazing over because the mind's running. The list is coming. That many sufficient reasons, what do you do with them? I drink right through them. I get a sufficient reason and think, mmm, it's not good. Drinking. keep on and on and on. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to drink but what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker, he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption once he starts to drink The allergy will never affect people that are not alcoholic. Remember back in the doctor's opinion we were talking about that if you're one of us, you know what it's like to put one in and have to have another in, another in. Normal people will never understand that. A hard drinker, a hard user will never be able to understand that. So I've got to find myself in what classification do I belong? Because step one, if you want to sum it up real quickly, is about two things. Loss of control because of the allergy and a loss of choice because of The Obsession. Do you identify or do you not? Let me tell you something. It's going to be real important for you to find your truth. Not, I'm a drunk because Michael said I was a drunk. I'ma drunk because I've looked in this book, found these components, and matched them up with my experience. Make sense? You've got to know for you. You've gotta. So let's talk a little bit more about what that looks like. Flip over to page 23. It says, these observations would be academic and pointless. I'm at the top of the page. if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. See, if I could just say no, put it down, and leave it down we wouldn't be here today. If we could do those things, it wouldn't be a problem. So it stands to reason that it says the main problem of the alcoholic center is in his mind rather than in his body. Why is it that I keep picking up over and over and over? Skip to the middle. It says once in a while he may tell the truth And the truth, strangers say, is usually he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have. Isn't that the truth? I never sat on a bar stool and said, God, I really hate I'm suffering from an allergy of the body and obsession of the mind. I didn't know. I thought I was a bad person making bad choices and bad decisions. No, it turns out I didn'T know what I had going. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time, but in their hearts they really don'T know why they do it. and you want to talk about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization that's it having somebody ask you why and you have nothing you can come up with an excuse most of us have alibis that we can just Johnny on the spot pull them out right there but they don't really satisfy me because it doesn't really make sense in light of what's happening every time I pick up a drink yet I keep picking up a dream I didn't understand the truth once this malady has a real hold they are a baffled lot There's the obsession that somehow, someday they will beat the game, but they often suspect they're down for the count. See, what my mind tells me is I'm just about to get ahead of this. I'm juste about to reel it in a little bit. I'm jeste about to set it... No. Experience shows me that that's a lie. But my mind telles me it's a possibility. It never was. How true this is few realize in a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal. In a vagueway. In a large way for some of us, your families and friends sense that you're abnormal. But everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will. See, that's what they're waiting on. Your family members, your friends, your co-workers, anybody in your... They're waiting for you to get it together. Pull it in. Grow up. Make better choices. Get responsible. For a drunk like me, that was never going to happen because it was about something bigger than irresponsibility. This wasn't a party, and it wasn't fun. It was about a loss of choice. But if you don't have that loss of choice, you will never understand it. Because guys, let's be honest for a minute. It looks like a choice, doesn't it? Who drove to the liquor store? Me. Who went in and bought all the liquor with their own money? Me. Who drove home and drank every bit of it with nobody holding a gun to their head? Me! It looks likes a choice. But ask yourself this. Who said they never, ever wanted to do that again? Me Welcome to drinking against your will. And until you've had that experience, you will never understand that, okay? It says the tragic truth that if the man be a real alcoholic, the happy day may not arrive. He has lost control. At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. That's an interesting statement, isn't it? I thought they said you just had to really, really want it. Didn't you hear that? You just have to really, really want to stay sober, darling. Really? Because my book said the most powerful desire didn't mean nothing. Hmm. Hmm. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it's suspected. Go back and look at Bill Wilson's experience. Go back a look at his story. What is it that he says in his story? Liquor ceased to be a luxury, and it became a necessity. Drinking to live. I'm not partying. This isn't because I'm young and this is fun. No, I'm drinking because I have to. Have to. Cease to be a luxury. It says the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure have lost the power of choice and drink. Did you catch that? You want to talk about unmanageability? Look at that. The inability to manage the decision not to pick up the first one. I don't have it. I've lost the power of choice. It's important to understand that when you're sitting in a room and somebody says, I'm Audrey. I'm an alcoholic. I choose not to drink today. Do not ask those people to sponsor you because if you could choose not to drink or use, would you be here? I'd be at home choosing not to. So as our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent in this area, we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. Let's talk about that for a minute. There's got to be a reason that Bill puts this in italics, that he's emphasizing this paragraph. I've lost the power to choose whether or not I'm going to drink. The delusion is always I'll have a choice at some point. At some point I'll decide because every time I believe that I'm deciding to drink more, that I've decided to pick up a drink one more time. No, no, not until I understand what this paragraph means will I ever understand alcoholism at its core. At certain times, I can't recall the drama, the pain, the consequences of even a week or a month ago. It's kind of like Michael, I love the way Michael talks about this, it's like playing Russian roulette. At some times, I pull the trigger and there's nothing in the chamber and it's good to go. At some time, there's a bullet and you will never know when it's there and when it is not. Sometimes we fall victim to the belief that I'll know what the day looks like when I pick up a drink. No, you won't. No,you won't, I can assure you. It's like a bullet in the chamber. You don't know when you spin it if it's there or not at certain times. I remember walking away from a consequence and saying I will never do this again and on that day I didn't drink And I thought, told you, told you. The next day, I could still recall with sufficient force and when somebody pushed a drink my way, I said, no, didn't you hear me? I said that finally happened to me, that consequence I've been waiting on and I'm done and I didn't drink that day. Kind of like Bill laughing at the gin mills. Look at me, please, I can choose. Catch me on day three. I'm loaded. asking myself how it happened one more time because I couldn't recall it with sufficient force to keep me out of the liquor store. I just couldn't. Now, did I remember that the consequence happened? Absolutely. But with enough force not to pick up a drink? No. Because my mind begins to make addendums to my plan. Does anybody else's mind do that? I just won't drink and drive. That's clearly the crux of the problem. I don't need to be with those people in that part of town at that time of night. I need to be over here. Wow, bullet in the chamber. Didn't see it coming when I spun it, right? That last line, we are without defense against the first string. I have got to understand that to my core. Otherwise, I say things like this. Well, here's what's going to happen, and I make a plan of how I'm going to stay sober. How many plans have you made? I'm going to move. I'm gonna get away from that person. I'm gunna find a hobby. I'm ganna throw myself into work. I'm guanna concentrate on my children. Those are all great things to do, but if you don't have a defense against the drink, none of it matters. See what I mean? It's so hard to convince people of this point until you've had the experience of setting plans in motion and watching them fail over and over and playing every card that you have. And until you play every card that you know that you're going to have, you always think you have a better way you've got a back pocket plan that tells you if I could really get this marriage in order I could stay sober I don't know I don' t know about that my book says without defense and I believe that means without defense regardless of what your circumstances are skip down to that last paragraph it says when this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies he has probably placed himself beyond human aid and unless locked up may die or go permanently insane. I got to get clear on, am I beyond human aid or am I not? Where am I with that stuff? So I'm going to have to not take the book's word for it. I'm gonna have to pull from my experience and line it up and see where I am. Am I beyond human aid? Or am I not, you know, if there's something else that will work for you, try it. If there's a plan you haven't run, run it. Because to come in these rooms and sit and say, you know, I think there might have been a different way, you will never do what we have to do. Down range you will balk because you have to know on a gut level your truth and you either got backed into a corner by alcohol and drugs or you didn't. So it's time to look at what your experience is. At the bottom of page 25 it says this, if you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there's no middle-of-the-road solution. Let's get clear for a minute on what middle-to-the road solution means. Anybody else in here try self-sponsorship? Does anybody else do that? You may want to admit to it. Okay. I'll go to meetings, but I'm for sure not working those steps on that wall. Or I'm sort of interested in steps two, three, seven, eleven. I'm sort of interested in working it my way. That's middle-of-the-road solution. It's an easier way to say that is this. Anything less than what this textbook asked me to do is middle-off-the road solution. My ideas, my plans, middle-on-the road solution." Now, what they're saying is if you are as seriously alcoholic as we are, that won't work. And some of you know that from experience. Middle-of the road solution doesn't work. I love how, it's so funny to me to watch, listen to some of our stories about how we drank so hard, so hardcore and then we want to slide in here and sort of do recovery like in this easy lackadaisical sort of a way. Do your recovery the way you drank or the way you used and it won't fail. If you're a real drunk and you had to run at it 100 miles an hour you're going to have to do the same thing in sobriety because nothing else will suffice. Nothing else will. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives. So if step one is true for me, if I'm powerless over alcohol because of the effect it has on my body and my life has become unmanageable around the obsession not to pick up one more time and I'm in this position where it's impossible, I've got a body that won't let me drink normally and a mind that demands I pick up the drink anyway. I'm in a sort of impossible situation, am I not? Because we all talk about this insanity being I do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I can get with that to a certain degree. But what happens is in the course of my drinking career, I begin to do the Same Thing over and Over knowing for sure what the result's going to be. Isn't that a bitch? Over and over. If I'm in that spot, if I'm backed into that corner, and I've passed into the region from which there's no return through human aid, which means I can't get sober for the judge. I can'T get sober a spouse. I can'T get sober kids. I canN'T get sober for anything or anybody. I'm beyond human aid. If you don't know, go try it. If there's a job or a man that will fix you, go get him. Run at it until you're out of option. If you're in that spot, which is a great place to be even though it doesn't feel like it, it says we have two alternatives. Two. I've yet to see somebody not search for door number three unless they know their truth. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could and the other is to accept spiritual help. So it's sort of like being at a fork in the road. I can keep on doing what I'm doing, which is whatever I feel like at any given moment, running my plans, my designs, my way. Or I can make a decision to turn and follow the ideas of the people on page 17 who talked about a common solution, something that worked in the good times, the bad times, no matter where you came from, who you were, what your circumstances looked like, that worked every single time if I would follow the direction. It seems like that would be a simple thing to sort of weigh out and decide. Yet, people like you and I, we're tossing that idea around. I don't know. I don' t know. Dying an alcoholic death accepts spiritual health. Give me a minute. Let me think. That's about a life driven by self-will. And we'll talk more about that in just a minute, but if there's a couple of, let me just finish It says, this we did because we honestly wanted to and we were willing to make the effort. I don't work these steps and live this way of life because somebody told me to. It's because I ran out of options. And I really wanted to do something different. But those are conditional statements. Because I really want to, A, and I was willing to do it. I'm willing to take the effort, B, two things. And you'll watch throughout this big book a couple of themes that will run through. One of them is willingness and the other one is action. And for a drunk like you or me, we're used to sitting around rooms and talking, talking, talking. It's really funny to watch the mouth close and the feet begin to move. This is about doing something differently, not thinking about doing something differently. Flip over to page 44. I just want to show you a couple of questions. I've had a couple of points that I was trying of fill out questionnaires that were supposed to tell you whether or not you were an alcoholic. And it was a series of questions, and what it looked like was sort of circumstantial and have you ever had a drink in the morning? Have you ever wrecked a car? It was asking about a lot of external things that could be fairly confusing. And on page 44, the big book is going to ask you two qualifying questions to see do you belong in this room or do you not, which is great. I love that the big book keeps it simple. It says, in the preceding chapters you've learned something of alcoholism, which denotes that you've read the book. You're not taking somebody's word for it, but you've actually read the literature. We hope we've made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. I've got to get clear on that distinction. Can you quit or can you not? If when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic, right? It's an or question. One or the other. Or both. But you've got to look at it. Is this you or is it not? When you honestly want to, you can't walk away for good and for all. I'm not talking about setting it down for periods of time. There are some of us that can do that. For short periods of times, I can set the drink down. Do you always return? I do. I always return. Or if when drinking, you have little control. Can you call your numbers? Can you say, I'm going to stay right here every single time? I can't. I always think I'm gonna stay in a certain range, but I always over drink. I always overshoot the mark. And it says if that's the case, you're probably alcoholic. The big book is not going to come out and call you an alcoholic. This is the only disease that I'm aware of that you have to diagnose yourself. You've got to look at your truth based on your experience, because I got to know when I sit in a meeting and I say I'm Audrey Chapman, I'm an alcoholic. I know that to be true, not on an intellectual level, but on a gut level. I know my truth, not because Michael said I was a drunk, but because I can take this book and mash it up with my experience. It says if that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. So if you walked in this room feeling absolutely hopeless because you couldn't not drink on a daily basis and you're looking at these steps and going, how is that going to help me? I can understand that thought process. I can understand thinking, well, how has a spiritual experience going to over, maybe you don't know how I drink. I don't about a spiritual experience overcoming what happens to me in a bottle of whiskey. I get that, but have you tried every other option? Have you run every other game plan? Are you beyond human aid or are you not? Get clear on what that looks like so that you can know your truth. Make sense? Yeah? Step one's not necessarily a fun place to be. This isn't the point in which I'm going to be your cheerleader. This is the point I'm gonna tell you the truth and you either get it or you don't. You can either see the facts or you can't. And if you've been backed in that corner and you're feeling hopeless, that's okay. That's okay because see if I'm hopeless about my condition then I can derive some hope out of what Michael's going to talk about in step two. But if I think I can beat this, I'm not interested in what he's saying. So I've got to understand my truth in this stuff. I don't mean to beat a dead horse but it's just so important. We come in these rooms and we treat this like it's, you know, a little infection that will go away at some point. Like it's not that big of a deal. And that to me says I don' t know step one. I do' n't understand. Otherwise I treat this as the condition that it is which is the condition which will kill me eventually. The truth about this alcoholic because I'll drink until I die. That's who I am at my core, aside from a spiritual experience, which Michael is going to talk about. Cool? Makes sense? Okay.