Physical Allergy and Mental Obsession – Big Book Study – Part 1 of 7 – Local AA Speakers

I would like to introduce Dave My name is Dave Kay and I'm an alcoholic It's really it's nice to come to this area. It's nice to come out and see a lot of different faces. You know, we kind of have been up in Bernersville doing our thing. We see a little bit of a lot of the same people. When you start going to big book meetings, you start seeing some of the same faces. This is nice to see a whole new group of faces and friends and family and hopefully we can bring you some of the stuff that we've learned over the years. You know, I'm just a guy that's an alcoholic trying to be a good guy. I'm no guru. I'm not a professor. I don't have any degrees higher than anybody else. I'm neither smarter nor dumber. All I can do is share with my experience that I've gathered over the years, share what I do working with others, and hopefully it's a little different or maybe not, but hopefully it brings some awareness to you and can help you on your path. So I usually don't prepare, I usually don't know what's going to come out so let's see what comes out. Hopefully I like to have fun, we'll have some fun. My sobriety date is January 11th, 1997. Excuse me. I'm not choked up, that's not bringing a tear to my eye. Something just went the wrong way. I don't know what that was. I don' t get choked up often, so don' t worry about that. I'm sure some of you are thinking, wow, 1997, he must have been in like sixth grade when he got sober. No, that's not how it worked. A little older than that. You know, Chris, I saw last week, I came here with Chris. Chris, I've known, he's been my sponsor for the last ten years. Him and I have gone all over and spoken everywhere. And, you know, just when I think I've heard everything he's ever said or a story he's ever said, he comes up with something new that I've never heard before. And, and, you Know, we're not a glum lot. And that really attracted me. I was attracted to Chris the first time I saw him. I went to a workshop in Bernersville. First time I'd been to a workshop, first time I had even picked up one of those big books. I'd already been in the program for two and a half years but I knew something was missing. I knew I needed a little something more because I was really dying inside. When you're driving home from a meeting crying because you're lonely that's a good sign. Anybody leaves here and cries, good sign you need something more. Believe me, I thought I was doing everything. I was told, which I think is a bonus. I think if there's willingness and openness, that you still will be safe and protected. However, I just knew inside that there was something more that I needed. I was always seeking, you know? There would always be that guy that would come through and talk about the steps at our meeting. You know, our meeting... Let me point out, my home group for the first two and a half years, they voted to take the third step and seventh step prayer off the walls because it had God in it, okay? And this won. This vote won. We had a group conscience. And I felt so ashamed because every night before our meeting we had to take them off the wall and turn them around. That's scary. But I was on the sober softball team for four years. I was � on every speaking commitment I could go on, I was actually secretary. I was actually voted secretary prior to getting a year, which, of course, because I was so exceptional. I was a coffee maker. I was everything they told me to do. However, I wasn't changing. Nothing was growing. I didn't have a fire that was burning inside of me that was growing and yearning for more. I was just surviving. I was juste hanging on. I was ust one more day, one more time. And I was listening, and I was listening to people who were like, you know, I don't want to stereotype, but old-timers sitting in the corner going, you know I have 15 years. And yesterday I thought about having a drink. And I dragged myself to a meeting. And I'm sitting there just with like 30 days going, I've got to do that for 15 years? Shoot me now. I'm not going to make it. I barely making it right now, you're telling me 15 years of every day I'm going to go drink, don't drink. Drink, don' t drink. No way! With me, in the end I was getting maybe 30 days. Okay? I started going to meetings in the early 90's and here I'm getting sober in 97. If I got 30 days I thought I was doing great. Then something would happen. Something, I don't know what but something would just say to me been doing really well you haven't gotten sleep in a couple of nights maybe just to sleep tonight drink one maybe just to get through the night, drink one just have one it won't be that bad, just buy a small bottle then tomorrow start the rest of your life, you're young do this AA thing for the rest of your live tomorrow but tonight just get some ease and comfort get some relaxation You deserve it. You've been working hard. Does that sound familiar? So this is what's going on with me for about four or five years. Now, I'm here to say that they saved my life. AA has saved my wife. AA saved my father's life. I grew up in an alcoholic family. My first introduction to rehab was when I was 14. Okay, so I'm already drinking at 14. I started when I was like 10, 11. So I'm ready to drink and we got to go visit dad at rehab. Okay, now, you know, I'm a smart ass 14 year old. I'm like, oh joy, you know, let's go visit that and we go to visit that we go up to the second floor and he introduces us to everybody and shows me the finger paintings that he made. I'm like what a loser and he's showing me this little clay thing he made get me out of here and they want to talk to me and I don't want to and they wanna talk about alcoholism and how it affects your family it's not affecting me it might affect him because he's too weak it might be his problem because he can't handle liquor I'm already drinking more than the old man and he can handle it what a loser why would you lose your job your wife, your family over something as stupid as that just put the crap down alright don't bring me into your drama don't brings me into problems you're the one with the problem deal with it that's how I thought couldn't wait to get out of there by the time I got into AA it was far beyond where he ever was far beyond okay but I'm just being honest about how I felt at the time I was like everyone else if you have a problem put it down walk away, grow up why are you partying so much okay this is the things that I was hearing and this is what was making sense to me in respect to other things I was very very successful however when it came to alcohol I couldn't do what seemed so simple Chris asked me to come here and speak about the first step as you can tell I'm very passionate about the first steps just to qualify If anybody doesn't believe I'm an alcoholic, I'll go into it. Anybody here? No, I doubt it. Like I said, I started when I was 10. Well, actually, my first drink was when I Was three. My dad decided it would be kind of funny if he gave me a shot of cream de menthe. Actually, I begged for it. But, you know, it was all the adults were having fun playing dress-up, and I went downstairs in my little feety pajamas and shuffled across the kitchen, and my dad was pouring cream to mint. It was green, yummy, you know? I poured it on ice cream. Let me have some. And he said, no, and I said, I want some. And he says, okay, don't tell your mother, for all those dads out there, don't talk to your mom about this. Don't tell her, and go into the bathroom and drink it. So I went into the bedroom, drank the shot, got up on the toilet, and looked at my face and smiled. And all my teeth were green, you now? And I had this warm, fuzzy feeling, you know. And I was like, wow, that's great. And I went upstairs and probably passed out. Yeah. That was a medical opinion. Yes, I probably did pass out. And next morning, guess what? I didn't have a pedal car up on the front lawn. I didn't have a strange woman in my bed. All right? No major consequences, no tickets, no police knocking at the door. The experience was reassuring. The experience Was reinforcing to a feeling that I had, okay? That was kind of my drinking for the first few years. Drinking took me where I couldn't go on my own, all right? By the time I finished, I was drinking a quart of vodka at night. And it was not social, okay? There was no thought of even going to a bar because I think it was pretty brilliant, but I stopped driving so I didn't get a DWI. So I stopped diving for the last four years of my drinking. My drinking was in my room by myself with the shades drawn, the TV on, and the lights out. The lights out, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. If I went to the bathroom, I did not look in the mirror. If I shaved, I looked down at my chin. This is where I was. So I would drink as fast as I could. Hopefully it would knock me out. When I woke up, I hoped I had enough booze to make it to the morning. When your worst fear is that you don't run out of booze in the middle of the night, not that I'm going to lose my family, not that i'm going to lose friends, not than I'm gonna lose my job. God forbid I wake up at three in the morning, I don't have enough to knock me until the morning because what a horrible feeling to have a buzz and hear those damn birds chirping and the sun coming up, and you've got to sit there and think about your life. So I wanted to have enough just to knock me out so that I'd make it to, let's say, five minutes before I had to be at work, and then I would get up, go to work, and I would start my day. I'd go to working and swear I was never going to do it again On the way home, I'd pick up another bottle and do it again for four years. I also only got a bottle for two reasons. In my mind, one, I didn't want to drink myself to death. I knew my drinking pattern. I knew that if I drank, I drank as much as I could, fast as I couldn't until I passed out. If I had too much booze, I was afraid I was going to die. I was gonna drink myself till death. Okay? Two, because every single day, every single day, I thought that was going to be the day. That was going to be the day that everybody was talking about. That was going to be the day I was going to be normal. That was going to be the day that I woke up and when I woke up I was going to be free of the obsession that I was going to wake up and life was going to seem so wonderful that I didn't want to of the day that finally I got enough willpower to not drink that day. So when I came home, hopefully I wouldn't buy another bottle and I didn't want any left in the house. Brilliant, huh? But that shows you the insanity of the mind. But it felt so right here. I really, really wanted to stop. I hated when I'd go into meetings and people would be like I'd be like, I'm coming back. They're like, well, you didn't want it enough. Really? I'm sitting here crying. I smell like crap. I haven't showered in three days. Begging for your help. How much more do I want it? This is the last place in the world I want to be because my dad was in the program and he relapsed so I know it doesn't work. So you're telling me I don't want to? I want what I want. I want that. Well, you must be lying to yourself. All right, if you can help me with that one. How do I catch that? Okay? How do we figure that one out, you know? How's that going to protect me? It was all in good... You know, everybody in the rooms is really... We all have a common problem and hopefully we have a comment and a common solution but there's always love and compassion in the room I don't blame anybody for anything. It kept me in the rooms for two and a half years until I was able to be aware of another message or a message of any kind. So I'm not putting anybody down. This is not a you're right, I'm wrong. This is all about levels of awareness. We all are trying to achieve the ultimate nirvana, but we're all trying to grow on our own. Just because I'm at a certain point does not mean I have anything more than you or that I am better than you or I am smarter than you, okay? If any message I can carry out there is that we're all equals and we're just trying to get by and be open and willing. And if I can share something with you that clicks, great. I bet tomorrow somebody's going to share something avec me that clicks. Great. All of that is a gift. It is nothing that I have done. If I don't really believe that and if I don' t really continue to believe that, I'm screwed because this alcoholic, anytime my ego grows and says, hey, you got it, man, that's when I'm starting to go out because I did it for so many years. I would get 30 days and I would say, man you're doing really well. You're doing good. Just go have wine. Just have wine, okay? I got way off there. All right. Currently, so anybody who doesn't believe I'm an alcoholic? Okay. I qualify. Currently, my experience. Right now, well, two years ago, I was following my heart. There's a lot of changes happening in my life, and one of the changes that I made was two years ago, I moved into a sober house. Okay? The reason I moved in was because of that line maximum service. How can I be of maximum service in my area? I really wasn't feeling that I was being of maximum servic to the meetings that I was going to or to my own home group. In that home group, we're a workshop meeting. There's gurus all around me. So I felt like the next move for me to be of maximum service was to immerse myself in a sober house where there's about 45 residents. I pay rent. I am a tenant. I do not work for the house. I don't represent anything different. I am not a counselor. I am just a guy that happens to have AA experience and if you want to go through the steps, I'm there for you. That works for me. and I work with, it changes every week. I work this week, it might be eight. Well, we lost one last night, so maybe not. It changes all the time. But I don't have to sponsor you in order to work with you. I can give you worksheets. I can talk to you about the steps. I have a meeting that, well, actually I don'T call it a meeting. It's just me hanging out for a couple hours and we talk about the steps. It's not an official meeting, all right? One of the things that allowed me to do because I'm really open and willing is last year we went through the big book so many times we decided to do the NA text. I'm not an NA member and I told everybody there, I said, I am not sponsoring you as an NA number. However, let's read it. Let's talk about it. What is the harm This is about growth. This is about finding out truth, all right? I'm not going to, I'm going to look anywhere for truth that I can. And if you want to join me, well, join me, all right. So I've worked with a lot of people, I've seen a lot of people, and so this is where my first step experience takes me. So the information I'm going to share, I've also been very good at meeting to a detox for eight years up in St. Clair's. So I do this a lot, okay? One, two, three, one, two, three. I talk about this a lot. I'm going to share with you what I've learned over the years. Hopefully it helps you. OK. The way I look at the first step is I break it up into three parts. OK. The first step I believe is one of the most misunderstood steps just because I know for me that when I was bouncing in and out it was the one that I really didn't understand. You know people would say well are you an alcoholic? That was easy for me. I raised my hand. and I say, I'm retarded if you'll let me sit here for a couple hours, okay? I really don't care what you think about me. Labeling myself is not bad. But did I believe it? Did I understand it? Did I really feel like I was an alcoholic? Eh, okay. So if there's any trepidation on that stamp, it doesn't allow us to carry the depth and weight that we need to continue on with this process. There has to be a tremendous amount of desperation running into the fourth step. That's my experience. And I found working with guys that when they come back from relapse, surprise, surprise, there's a lot of relapse in the sober house. We were just talking about it like, oh, my God, somebody drank last night. It's a reality. This is something else that I've also found and I believe, And this is all my opinion, believe me, except for what I read out of here. Is that � now I lost my thought. Must not have been important. So I think it's one of the steps that when the guys are coming back from a relapse that I'm talking to them and that we go back to the book and we look at some information. And some of the information I share with them, they're like, I've never heard that. So it's important for me to carry this stuff out there. and when I go to rehab and detox, they tell me I've never heard that. So some of the information I want to share with you I think is important in this part of the step. I break it down into three areas. First area is the physical. Let me read something to you on page 30. I typically do not � when I'm working with guys, I will have them read doctor's opinion. Then we will go line by line after Bill's story throughout the rest of the book. Another thing that I don't do anymore is, this is my dad's book. One of the reasons I use my dad'S book, because it's my dad' s book, it's kind of cool, but also because it was so clean. He didn't really use it a lot. And so one of the things that I do when I'm working with guys now is I don' t use a highlighted book. Reason being, the highlights were for me, and they were at a different time. I do not want to speak to them with my message. The message that was meant for me does not mean it's the message for them. So what we do is we go through it with a blank book, and whatever comes out in that discussion is what they're supposed to say. So I don't edit their experience. That make sense? Okay. That's just my experience, my personal opinion. so having said that I don't typically when I'm going to a detox talk about the first step using the book so I'm gonna try to but I don' t know how much time I have there's a lot of information first step is the first 43 pages of this book okay there's not a lot there's no lot of information on the first step so you know I can't really go through all the information but I'm gunna try to do the best that I can alright um on page 30 Second paragraph We learned that we had to fully concede To our innermost selves That we were alcoholics This is the first step in recovery The delusion That we are like other people Or presently may be Has to be smashed Smashed It's not picked apart It makes sense Somebody said smashed Means you can never put it back together Okay? So it has to be smashed. This idea that I can be like another person, all right? So I hit them with the physical. Doctor's Opinion is a very good chapter in here. I never went into the doctor's opinion when I was first going through the book because it had all those funny Roman numerals, you know? Who knew in elementary school when they were doing those stupid Roman numerables that it was because I was going to be an alcoholic? I never knew that they knew that, but they taught me the Roman numerals. Thank God. And now I can give out coins at celebrations and I can read the first chapters. So the doctor's opinion has a very good explanation about the physical allergy. All right? I hate doing this because it's XXVI. I have the third edition. I honestly don't know what all the editions are and what you have, but this is where it's in my book. XXVI. I hate this part. But there's two sentences or two paragraphs I want to read to you in here. We believe and suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics. So the actionofalcohol. This is alcohol itself on a chronic alcoholic. That's me. You heard my story. If you think you're a chronic alcoholic, you identify yourself as a chronic alcoholic. The action of alcohol on you is a manifestation of an allergy. What's an allergy? Allergy is a different reaction than others. It's an abnormal reaction than everyone else. So the action of alcoholic on me is a manifestation of allergy. Okay. And never occurs in the average tempered drinker. Who's the average temperature drinker? The average temper drinkers my friend Paul. I'll use Paul throughout this example. Paul and I met in kindergarten, and he says second grade. I know it's kindergarten, all right? But we met in kindergarden. Throughout our lives, we hung out and we drank together and so on, all Right? So in Paul, he doesn't have an abnormal reaction. Dave, abnormal reaction These allergic types... My eyes are getting so bad. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any forms and once having formed the habit found they cannot break it. Okay? So these allergic types, me, chronic alcohol, can never use alcohol at all. Never safely use alcohol in any form. Never. Not one day at a time. I held on to one day at a Time. I used one day At a time I ate one day At a Time up When they said one day At atime I said okay I'm drinking today and then tomorrow I'll stop Okay? I'll drink One day at the time.I used One day of the time for some kind of hope Delaying the reality of it did not help me. When I'm working with guys, I say blunt, straight out, you can never ever safely use alcohol again. Get over it. Once you get over it, we can move on. If you still have a problem with that then we need to look at that. Okay? So that's what I do. The next paragraph at the bottom it says men and women essentially drink because they like the effects produced by alcohol. Three years old, I loved it. The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it as injurious, they cannot after time differentiate the true from false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontent unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. Ease and comfort is what I relate to when I was a little kid, my dad used to give me a bath. When he was done with the bath, he would take me down to the TV room and he would sit me on his lap and he'd take a towel and drape it over my head and he would dry my hair. That's the last thing I remember is he's in comfort. I was in his arms, safe and protected. I felt comfortable. I felt like no worries. I feel warm. I felt loved, all right? Dave growing up did not feel that way. Dave growing up felt like everybody's looking at me. Why don't I fit in? I was a chameleon. I tried, you know, I tried to fit into different groups. Usually it was because I wanted something out of you. I would hang out with you, okay? Once I got your G.I. Joe with Kung Fu grip, I would leave, you So I was using people. I was always never comfortable, all right? I didn't feel like I fit in. I didn'T even feel like I was part of my own family. I thought my family had adopted me. Actually, I wished my family had adopted mE. I wanted my parents to get a divorce just so people would feel sorry for me. You know, I mean, these are the things that are going through my head. I was never in the present, always in the future or the past, all right ? I wanted something to make my life better. And I was searching for it and I was delusional about it. I wanted my life to be better, all right? So I felt restless, irritable, discontent. I can identify with that, all Right? This is saying when I drink alcohol, that goes away, all right? So what happens when I take alcohol out, when I stop drinking alcohol? Guess what? Here comes restless, irritable, and discontented. Here comes all those feelings. Here comes that childhood. Here comes not feeling able to sit in my own skin. And I have no solution. How long can I live that way? How long? Okay. So, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks, drinks which they see others take with impunity. Who's others? Tempered drinker, Paul. All right? I'm hanging out with Paul. Paul, when I got out of rehab, ironically, Paul had just started a brew-your-own-beer website. All right. And I'm like, great. You know, all the guys I know, they're drinking honey brew beer. You know? All these weird beers. And I just stopped when Zima was coming out. You know, I didn't have any nutty beers or anything like that. And so I'm hearing all this. Then Paul starts a scotch club. All right? Anybody know what a scotch club is? It's despicable. That's what it is. It's mean to alcohol. What they do is they buy expensive bottles of alcohol. Like $100 bottles, and one comes in a casket. I swear to God. It comes in the casket, and they open it up, and the four of them sit around, and they have little snifters, and they pour a little, and they sip it, and they go, hmm, you know, that tastes kind of woody. I don't taste any wood in scotch. I've never tasted anything in anything. But they're talking about it like they enjoy it, and they can actually taste it, and they care. And then they put it down and they put the bottle away. Did you know the cork goes back in a bottle? Did anybody know that? Do you know that you can actually put that thing back in? They put it up on the shelf and it gathers dust. I'll go there a month later, it will still be there. I could probably draw a line on it, it wouldn't change. It's in your room, it's in your house, why aren't you drinking it? I don't understand that. Paul's a tempered drinker. I want to be like Paul. I don' t want to feel that ease and comfort whenever I want to. I'm an adult. Don't tell me when I can't do it. Don't say, Don't you tell me I can' t get relief? Don't I can go to happy hour like everyone else? Don't tell me that I can't celebrate something. Don't say, don't tell me that. That I'm going to have to live this way the rest of my life. That I am going to feel this way the rest OF MY LIFE. That's what is going on in my head. So I have this physical allergy that says if you pick up anything if you take one sip the physical craving kicks in and you are screwed. That makes sense to me. The first time the cops found me was when I was 14. I was in a blackout, and I was sleeping in my own vomit. So I was a blackouts drinker from the age of 14. I did not know that you did not black out when you drank. I thought, well, one, maybe I just have a bad memory. And two, okay, so I over-drank occasionally. That's my problem. I just don't know how to stop it. So let me try to teach myself how to stop it at the right moment. All right? So I have this physical allergy. Drink, can't stop, screwed. All right? If that was the case and that was my only problem, then detox me and send me on my way because I have the alcohol out of my system. There's no physical craving anymore. 72 hours, no alcohol left in my body. I should be good. Just send me one my way And thank you very much. Is that how it works? No. Rehaps are making millions of dollars on it. And I don't mean they're doing it on purpose. I'm looking for Bill. Can he edit that? The reason is because there must be something else. There must be somebody leading me back to that first drink, the first drink I'm screwed. So what's leading me back to the first drink? Well, I believe there's two parts. And honestly, I'm not going to be able to pick out in the book because there's just not enough time. But there's 2 parts, and I believe There's 2 obsessions. One is that it is a solution of some kind. I mean, why do I keep going back to it? Because I do believe that it does give me ease and comfort. I do belief the only way I'm going to feel right is by drinking. The only way I'm going to be even keel with everyone else in the world is if I am able to drink when I want to drink because it works so well in my earlier years. I went to the seventh grade dance. I was able to ask the girl out, dance, stick up to the bully, get in fights. It took me places I couldn't go on my own because of fear, pride, ego. So it is a solution of some kind. I need to have this in my life. I need two or I'm never going to have relief again. That's the first lie. All right? The second lie is that I can be a hard drinker. Okay? Has anybody ever read the descriptions in here? Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have a good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone. Then we have a certain type of hard drinkers. he may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficient strong reason, ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate. That was what I wanted to be. I wanted it to be the hard drinker. Okay, I've had trouble. Maybe I got ill health. Maybe I went too far. But I wanted to be the guy that could stop when I needed to. You know, get to the edge of the cliff before I fell off and stop myself. I not only wanted to, but I believed I could. Because logically, why would I continue to kill myself? Why would I go to this extreme? Why, looking back at my dad, why would he lose his job and his family over something like booze? It doesn't make any sense to me. And I'm a pretty smart guy, so I'll figure it out prior to me going overboard and I won't go there. So I'll just save myself, I'll stop myself, I'll be a hard drinker. The wild partier with the lampshade on his head but the guy that can eventually grow up like everybody was telling me. I wanted to believe and I tried to believe and I trying to make it true for four years. I wanted it to be a hardcore drinker, all right? So my mind's telling me, you know what? If you really do this, you can do it. If you get the right family or right wife, you can do It. If you move, you can do I. Maybe there's something about the alignment of the planets that won't let you do it, something's got to happen where everything comes together. I wake up the next day and I go, huh, I don't want to drink. Isn't that weird? This is what it means to be normal. And that's how I thought it was going to happen. And I prayed it would happen that way, but it didn't. Okay? So I have this obsession that's telling me you can drink like a normal drinker and it is the only solution. So these two things fighting in the back of my head come up with an insane idea like it wouldn't be a bad idea to have one. That idea leads me to drink one, I drink one and I'm screwed. See it? Okay? That's why they can't take us to rehab and dry us out and then send us on our way. That's what I'm talking about. That's the reason why people are getting out of rehabs, going to outpatient programs. I was in two outpatient program and I thought it was a really smart idea to drive to the liquor store after the meetings and pick up a bottle and go home and drink because I only had to stop when I was done with the outpatient. Okay? So this is the insane ideas that are going on in my head, but they make perfect sense. All right? When it comes to alcohol, we are insane. What does that mean? That means when I am confronted with the issue of drink or don't drink, my mind convinces me of the insane idea. I am not able to bring up a sufficient defense. They tell us that. A sufficient defense would be, well, Dave, you know, the last time you drank, you literally lost your car. I don't mean I lost it like it was stolen, impounded, towed away, or the keys taken from me. I couldn't remember what town I parked it in for two days. All right? That's drunk. When you lose a car, when you have to look at the map of New Jersey to find your car. That's drunk, all right? Forty days later, I drank. Forty days later I forgot that situation. I forgot how dangerous it was and I forgot that I couldn't drink again. Forty Days Later I was driving the same car the same route with probably the same amount of blood alcohol level. When I finally came in, it was eight hours after my last drink. I ended up in the emergency room with a .275. I was driving with a 0.40. With a .275, eight hours after my first drink and because everybody had found out already my ego was building and I was trying to pick up the nurse. I haven't slept in three days. I'm smoking and I smell like crap and I'm drunk and about to go to detox and I think I'm a catch? All right. That's delusional, all right? You know? When you're trying to make a date for two weeks, you know, I should be out of rehab in two weeks. That's elusional. All right? All right, so you have this mental aspect and you have the physical aspect. If the mental was all it was and we needed to give people the sufficient defense to fight against alcohol, then what we would do is we'd teach people a lot. We would teach them a lot about their alcoholism. We would teaching about the progression. We would teacher about the dangers. We would just say no. Unfortunately, what we've learned is knowledge is not going to be enough. I grew up in an alcoholic family. I said, you know, I told you I took a course in alcoholism. I had 12 credits towards the social worker's degree. I knew alcoholism I was in two outpatient programs and then finally a rehab and in therapy. So I knew alcoholicism my knowledge was not the problem. If anything it was actually deterrent because I was using the knowledge against myself. All right. my problem was that I was unable I did not have what they call the power to bring up enough defense to come up with a sane idea the sane idea would be there's booze let me go that way there's boos guess what I have a physical allergy to booze I can't drink that but my mind wants to say there's booze. Nobody's going to know. If I take a little, it'll ease me up. I need to sleep tonight. I have done a good job. It won't bother me. I haven't had a drink in 12 years. Maybe it won't. I'm not still addicted. So I need To Have the Power to Get the Sane Idea. That's where the second step comes in. Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Restoring to sanity Is the same idea So there's a spiritual malady Somewhere The spiritual malty That's that little kid That missing Something's missing Always searching for something better Hoping something's going to come into my life To make it better Looking outside of myself For comforts within myself I need something that is going to relieve my spiritual malady. Page 52, there's a description of spiritual malty. We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems the same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships. Anyone? Hello? Look at all these liars. we couldn't control our emotional natures crying on the way home from a meeting we were prey to misery and depression i don't even know what not to be depressed is you know we couldn'T make a living we had a feeling of uselessness we were full of fear we were unhappy we couldn'T seem to be a real help to other people my last drink fear you want to talk fear my last years of drinking i lived in a house and my mailbox was 50 feet away from the house I had to drink to walk to the mailbox because I had a fear that somebody would drive up that I knew and ask me, how you doing? The dreaded question, how are you doing that's insane. And my house was 50 yards behind me. The shades were drawn the bottle. Nobody in the house, but still hidden under the couch with the shades drawn. I'm drinking by myself, TV on, and I had to go walk to the mailbox in case somebody came by and said, how you doing? That's my fear. That's scary. Okay? So if anybody can identify with that spiritual malady, it's a description of me, an alcoholic without any alcohol in me. You take away the alcohol, I still have all this going on inside. So what's my brain going to say? My brain is going to saying, I know something will work. I know one thing that worked, something that always worked. and it's going to draw towards that one thing that always worked and the obsession is going to tell me you know what, Paul can drink he can have a scotch club why can't you? You're no physically different he's a human being you both walk upright so what's the difference? Why can he do it? You can't so I will figure out a reason why it's okay for me to lead back to that one drink and then physical kicks in and I'm screwed make sense and if you are sitting there if I'm sitting here I'll throw it back to me but if I am sitting in this room at any time and I think that the insanity is not that severe that my mind is not that dangerous I can tell you a hundred stories right now in the last two years that I've run across where I thought this person is absolutely insane for doing what they're doing. And these people sitting in front of me were convinced that they were never, ever going to drink again. Never, ever do drugs again. They were going to go to jail if they used drugs. They were gonna lose their family. I have a guy right now, he's gonna lose his family because he used again. And you're gonna tell me that there's a big enough deterrent? You're gonna tells me that a rehab or detox can give you enough fear. Fear is not what you need. You need desperation. You need to be scared out of your mind that if you don't do what you need to do, that there's a great possibility you will drink again and die. That's how desperate I had to get. And I had to feel it here. Four years of not getting more than 30-40 days. And it is not something that anybody human could do to me or for me. I had to do it myself. I recently went through a situation where I was intervening with this individual, trying to, I was literally pulling him out of a bar, literally going in and getting him and pulling him into the bar. We did it several times and then it dawned on us that we were intervening. We were not letting God do what he needed to do to get this person to that place and we stood back and we waited. one of the hardest things I've ever done stood back and waited and then the phone call came it wasn't the greatest phone call it was a scary phone call but the phone called came I'm having a heart attack and so we went over and you know we helped them out and I'm telling you this individual has done his four step for the first time in his life is that because of me? no way in hell it's because we allowed we stepped back we did not manipulate we did no control that's why today I have a much different view on relapse than I did before I used to be the tight ass big book thumper if you're not doing it you're fired two weeks now you're fire get out of here I have no time for you screw who am I who the hell am I I don't fire anybody anymore there's no such thing as firing I offer the information that was so freely given to me I love you for whatever you do I am compassionate about all the struggles that you go through I will continue to work with you as long as you stand up and keep coming in my door it's no different message than if you come in for the 20th time if you're coming for the first time so I will continue just sharing the message for whoever's standing in the room. If I start feeling like it's a put-off on me, I need to look at myself. If I feel that people are relapsing too much, then how great is my message? It says my message needs to be with depth and weight. Well, what am I missing? Alright? If I don't have time for them, I've got to look at that. You know, I don't claim to say that my methods or my program is for everyone else. This is where I was driven to. You have to follow your own heart. You've got to follow you're own heart Last year, I was following my own heart and I quit my job. And people were like, you know, it's a recession. You're not going to find another job. but what I found was that when I'm going to work only for a paycheck and I'm finding myself wanting to call the guys I'm working with, wanting to help the guys, I'm wanting to take days off to go get a guy out of jail I'm wanted to take days off to go get a guide to relapse I wanted to work with the guys more than I want to be at the job and the job, the only reason I was there was for a paycheck, something had to shift something had change And literally what changed was, I'll be honest, a girl came up to me and she said, What's wrong? And I started crying. And I'm like, Well, I'm crying in the office. That ain't good. And I gave them a couple of months' notice. I didn't burn any bridges, and I walked away clean with no prospect. In the beginning of this year, God provided, and we have a business. and it's booming. The business is booming, not I. I'm not doing anything. The business is doing well. I'm just being of service. I'm trying to be of service It allows me the freedom to do what I work with others during the day. I have flexibility. I can do whatever I want to do. That's what I was trying to achieve and that's what is best for me is not being tied to a job of when I need to be in service. So service guides my day not job or anybody else. All right? I hope I was able to at least bring you some information about the first step. I'm telling you, there's a lot of information in here. I tried to give you the gist that I work with, but I encourage everybody, anybody I ever talk to, read it for yourself. Read it for yourself and see what comes out because there's a lot information in there. But I really do believe that it is the foundation. It needs to be addressed. It needs? be smashed. It needs ?? be a motivator for the rest of the work. If it's not there, the motivation dies, unfortunately. And then really, if we didn't take the time to do it, then who is it helping? I'll be here afterwards if you have any questions I used up all the time because I didn't want you to make fun of me and tell me it was horrible so we have a nice way of closing applause to a month, visit and look for the donate links. Thank you very much.