Physical Allergy and Mental Obsession – Awakening Workshop – Part 8 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

Find your seats. Turn off your cell phones. Open your heart. Open your mind. Awesome. Hi, welcome everybody. My name is Nancy. I'm a recovered cocaine addict and alcoholic. Welcome to the Big Book Awakening workshop. Bathrooms are located on the top floor we only have one working tonight and there's no smoking allowed on the premises including e-cigarettes you can go to that street right over there whatever that is on the other side of the parking lot or out on the street facing this building okay so So let's recap a little bit. You know, we all came in and we took a look at that we have a three-part disease and there's also a three part solution to that three part disease. And in the beginning of the doctor's opinion, it touched a little bit on that inner condition that's called the spiritual malady. when it said that we're maladjusted to life, we're in full flight from reality, can't tell the truth and the false, those kinds of things. And even though the spiritual malady may have shown up in your life before you started drinking or using, it's not addressed in the book until after the phenomenon of craving and the mental obsession is addressed because it's a little easier to see that once you take a drink that you have no control over the amount you take afterward. Once I smoked a little cocaine, I had little control over how much I smoked afterward. Okay? So that's the phenomenon of craving. That's that physical allergy that is covered in great detail in the doctor's opinion. And, you know, also in the Doctor's Opinion, And he refers to the men in the program in the very beginning as being pulled back from the gates of death by a power greater than themselves. And I always loved that part in The Doctor's Opinion. Of course, power is capitalized. Let's see. Where are my notes? Um, so there's this problem that we have. You know, we come in here and how are we feeling? We're hurting. What happened to me was I was hurting so much spiritually because I was not balanced in my viewpoint on life for how I conducted myself in my life, that it took drugs and alcohol for me to be okay with all that confusion and feeling lost and feeling like I wasn't doing something right or I didn't measure up to somebody's idea of how I was supposed to be. All those kinds of things that led me into, I mean, drugs and were just kind of a given. They worked, right? They were my medicine. So now we're going into finding out how we, you know, what happened? How did we do that? How did мы блат out the intolerable situation as best we could? We're also talked to in Bill's story about this concept of God. And Bill talked a lot about how he didn't like certain aspects of that. of that. He certainly didn't like Ebby saying, I've got religion, you know, because Bill wasn't going for religion at all. And so it was put to him to consider whether he was willing or not to believe that there might be a power whether he calls it spirit of the universe or well back then and in the in the tech our textbook it doesn't use terms like uh buddha nature or the dao or these kinds of things that are more prevalent today when people talk about spiritual things. But it doesn't matter what you call it. It's whether or not you're willing to just believe that there might be something bigger than you. And, you know, yes, the ocean is bigger than us, but what if I'm inland in Alpine and I want to go to the bar? The ocean is not going to keep me sober, right? So, you Know, this is a subject that is an interesting thing we're going to talk a lot about it when we get to we agnostics and another comment from my experience is that when I have gone through this 12 step process it's been my experience that this power revealed itself to me the more I was willing to be honest, open minded on spiritual concepts have a belief in a power and trust as much as i could trust that this power was actually going to show up for me i didn't have any idea how but i certainly hoped it would because i definitely didn't want to go back to where i had come from because that was way too scary and um uh just not acceptable anymore even though I had nothing to do with the fact that I'm standing here clean and sober today. So this disease, it's treatable, you know? I mean, it is just an amazing thing, this thing that kicked our butts all over the place for however many years and twisted our emotions and closed down our heart and did all of those things that brought us here with all this pain You know, there's a fellow in the Monday night meeting that I go to who talks a lot about, he uses that term, I was tore up, you know? And we are. We're tore up. We need to be mended, right? We have all these gashes all within us that are causing this pain. And the good news is there'sa solution. We were told in the beginning of There is a Solution, chapter two that we have a common problem and a common solution and that this is the I think they what do they call it the tremendous fact later on we're going to hear about the great fact and the central fact and so we've gone over the physical craving in pretty close detail. You know, you've answered all these questions about your behavior when you were getting loaded. If you were Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde or, you know, what the things, did you resemble yourself when you weren't loaded? Or were you someone entirely different when you were loaded than when you weren't. You know, that was easy for me to see about halfway through the years that I was doing drugs and alcohol. And so some of you who have not made a career of drugs and alcohol may be able to see more clearly what happened how did you drink how did use what did you do what were you feeling what were thinking all of these things are a part of your experience as an alcoholic or an addict whichever the case may be and it's I found it very important to look at these things because it we're dealing with a whole system here we have a mind we have emotions we have a heart that I couldn't get into for maybe three years after God got me clean and sober it was broken it was full of fear you know it was I had locked it away deep within myself with lots of chains around it and locks and there was no getting in there because i had too much fear and all of those other things we're going to take a look at when we get to step four so in the meantime um just a question consider that this is a a progressive disease. It gets worse, never better. And I realize we're not going to go into that information in the text until the next chapter. But in going through Bill's story and taking a look at everything we've taken a look so far, this is what the book hopes that we can begin to see. How did we get to where we are now? What was the progression? was there a time when you could quit and just go i'm not going to do so much this weekend well there was a time i could quit i was 22 i got pregnant i stopped using and drinking and everything was great for three years i had a child and life was awesome um it was easy to put it down then I don't know that I actually really tried to put it down after that but you know, it was easy when I was 22 I wasn't clean and sober until I was 42 so you know are we willing to trust this process worked for others and that it might work for us too Okay, would you please join me in the set-aside prayer followed by five minutes of meditation Which one? Mental Obsession It's the one in the workbook on page 19 god please enable me to set aside everything i think i know for an open mind and a new experience help me see the truth about my mental craving no mental obsession mental obsession after i start to drink sorry it was on page 24 all right my wrong can someone get the lights that's is that your desk oh it's dark all right let me see thank you my name is leanne and i'm an alcoholic and um it's just so i'm so thrilled to see each week every all of you still sitting in here this is um i guess you're getting something out of this huh all right good all right so i i'm basically i'm i'm taking off where i left off last week and and just to be clear we were we were looking at the three different types of drinkers, right? Am I a moderate drinker? Am I a hard drinker if I'm either one of those I don't belong here If I'm Either one of them Those I can control the amount that I drink if I am calling myself a hard drinker then am I or am I an alcoholic Right and the difference is what physical right The difference between the hard drinker and the real alcoholic is this physical allergy. When I put alcohol into my body, can I control the amount? Do I have control over the amount that I drink? Do I control over what I do? Right? And those are the questions that you have to ask yourself. I had people come up and say, do you think I'm... I can't tell you whether I think you're an alcoholic or not. I can help you qualify yourself by asking a few questions, the questions that we just asked. And that's what we're looking at. In the first 22 pages of this book, we are strictly looking at the physical allergy and where we're taking off at this point from here on out where it says these observations would be academic and pointless on the top of page 23. From page 23 to 43, we were only going to look at the mental. We are only going to look at, am I powerless over alcohol mentally before I take the first drink? That's what we're going to look for. Am I powerless mentally? The book's not going to refer back to any of physical part of this but in those in those pages i have to be able to see that okay so also you know if you have decided that you're a real alcoholic but you don't have problem smoking pot does that mean that you can you know smoke a little pot here and there i don't know if if you're the real drug addict but alcohol you know you you can have a glass of wine. I don't know. Can you do that? You have to ask yourself that question. If you're going to go do that, you know, go on with your bad self, drink up, smoke up. I Don't care, but don't be coming in here claiming that you're sober because this is about, this is a sober program, right? And if you think you could do that then smoke it up, drink it up. I don' t really give a shit. You can go do that. If that's what you could do great i wouldn't be sitting in here on a tuesday night you know writing you know spending hours writing in a big book and of alcoholics anonymous if i can you know if i could manage the amount that i smoke and drink and if it doesn't wreck my life what what the hell am i doing here and that's the question you have to ask yourself someone came up just last week and said well you know i don't have a problem with pot well then why do you feel like you need to smoke pot if it's not a problem that's a question you asked why do YOU feel like YOU need to have a drink? Just because you're a, you know, a meth addict or a heroin addict. Why do you feel like you need to have a drink if you're not an alcoholic, right? Yeah. So we have to ask ourselves that question. And you know what? I'll tell you, I'll give you a perfect example. My sister did meth like I did. She did. she did meth. Like I did well, I don't know, but I can't really say cause I wasn't around her all the time. She had a lot of meth, but to this day she can drink. she doesn't have a problem with alcohol it's never a problem for her so I don't know what your truth is you know and that's just her I mean I rarely see that happen she was just you know she just maybe she doubt maybe she didn't do as much as I did maybe I just think she did but she did she she dabbled in it quite a bit you know quite a big but that that's her that's her but she doesn'T she does not come to me and say you know I haven't done meth for 20 years Can I take a token? No, because you have a drink once a month. You know, you're not a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're not sober member of Narcotics Anonymous, she's not sober, right? This is a program for those of us that want to be sober, completely sober from any mind-altering and chemicals. So I hope I made that clear. All right. So the first paragraph of this chapter of where we're at right now in part two of There's a Solution says, these observations, and this is one of the questions that we had too, these observations would be pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind because if I just have a physical allergy, if I only have a psychological problem, right? If I only have an allergy say to peanuts, like if you ate, if you had an allergy, how many, does anyone here know someone or have an allergic to peanuts? Like do you even keep peanut butter in your house? Like it's probably... I live in a sober living so it's kind of hard to avoid. But you avoid peanut butter, right? Because you know what's going to happen to you. I'm definitely allergic to hydroquinone. It makes me break out in hives on my face. I look at cosmetics and see if it's got that product in it because I don't want my face to break out into hives because an allergy, a physical allergy like to hydropinone or to peanuts or to strawberries or whatever isn't accompanied with a mental obsession like alcohol. So therefore, alcoholism has to center in my mind because if all alcoholism was was just a physical allergy, then we just quit drinking, right? What the hell do we need this place for? Why do we needs to come here? Why do need Alcoholics Anonymous? If I have the knowledge that I have a physical allergy, well, then I just won't drink. But the big book is going to show me in these next few pages that I have a mind that's going to take me back. That I have a mind that is going to say, well maybe this time it'll be different. So once this malady has a real hold they are a baffle lot. There is the obsession that somehow someday they will beat the game. Like if you have a peanut allergy do you ever think I'm going to beat the one day and I'm going to eat peanut butter. I can't fucking wait 20 years you know but the alcoholic thinks that right? The alcoholic thinks well maybe right? You get a little time under your belt start getting a little comfortable resting on your laurels start feeling a little good maybe i've evolved maybe i'm evolved from this i think maybe you know i'm doing so good right now maybe i can have a drink you know it's not gonna hurt me what's one little drink in a bottle right those are the things that go into our minds right does it can everybody relate to what i'm saying right if you're the real deal right we have that right we can entertain that idea all day long until we're blue in the face right All right, so I'm going to go through this because I have 12 minutes left. And these next few pages of there's a solution are so important. There's a lot of information in here. So it says how true this is. Few realize in a vague way that their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal. But everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power and his will. The tragic truth, the tragic truth is that if the man be the real alcoholic, it like we talked about on page 20 the real alcoholic not the not the the hard drinker the real alcohol the happy day may not arrive he has lost control at a certain point of his drinking every alcoholic he in point of in in the drinking of every alcoholic he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolute no avail but what's the only requirement for membership is a desire to start drinking i'm going to see that desire is not going to keep me sober. Because a desire comes from what? Me thinking. A desire comes from my want, right? And I'm going to learn that what? I'm beyond human aid. So my desires, my thinking, nothing. If I've lost power, if I've loss control, I've lose power. If I've loose power, I have lost choice. If i've lost one, I lost all three. Does that make sense? Alright so let me keep reading. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case in practically every case long before it is suspected here we go neon signs when we see italics in the big book right neon signs who wants us to read this the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure have lost the power of choice and drink what does that mean it means the morning that i woke up at eight o'clock in the morning and i i made a choice and i meant it With every single bit of my body and everything I had in me, I had a desire and a choice that I wasn't going to drink. And something happened between 8 and noon, and there I was at it again, drinking. But I made a choice. But I thought I had an idea. I had no choice. How many of you have been in meetings and you've heard people say, you know, I woke up this morning and I chose not to drink? Right? Well, I think this paragraph is going to smash that idea. All right. So our so-called willpower, right? Willpower, self-power becomes practically non-existent or is for me completely non-existant when it comes to alcohol. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force of the memory and the suffering of and humiliation of even a week ago, right. Some of the examples putting your hand on a hot stove. If I put my hand on a hot stove, I'm not going to do it again. I'm Not Going To Walk Up To That Hot Stove And Do It Again. But how many times have we been burned by alcohol? How many times? Like, I was burned so, like, I Was Burned A Lot Of Times Before I Got Here. It Wasn't Like I Got Burned One Time And Then I Made It To Alcoholics Anonymous. Like, oh, no, right? I Wreaked Havoc In Not Only My Own Life, In Everybody's Life That Was Around Me. And I continue to recap it. So even though, so, but wait a minute. So what the book is telling me is that even after maybe 10 years, 20 years, that alcoholic that sits in the meeting and says, I made a choice today. It doesn't say that after 10 years we get the power of choice back, right? I have lost all power, choice, and control over the amount that I, when it, over alcohol, over the amout that I alcohol, and I've lost, then if you have a choice or if you have power or if you have control, why don't you control what you do when you're drinking? I would always tell myself, I'm going to remember everything. I'm going to... This time when I drink I am not going to be a butthead or I'm not going to dance naked at the party. I am NOT going to make an ass of myself. I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH THAT GUY. How many times did I tell myself that and I didn't have any control over myself? Same thing with drugs. You can replace this with drugs same thing happens with drugs with does this make sense to you did you guys have control over what you did when you were drinking no do you ever control over did you have control over the amount that you drank when you when you're drinking okay so i think that just because i have the knowledge of this that maybe i can just i can think my way through it right how how many of those things how many times have you heard think the drink through right this is the this is a dangerous thing to be telling people because if we're telling people to think the drink through. We're telling them that their thinking is going to be able to keep them sober, right? This is crazy shit. Like when did it become okay to start passing on this stuff that's not in the big book into meetings and the newcomers? And this is what we're telling them. We'RE TELLING THEM JUST DON'T DRINK IN BETWEEN MEETINGS OR JUST DON't DRINK NO MATTER WHAT. How do I just not drink no matter what when I drink no mater what? It doesn't make any sense to me, or think about your triggers. You know, write down your triggers, my triggers. Like that's crazy. Like morning was a trigger. Like I drank in the morning and I'm breathing. I mean, so what am I supposed to do? Just sleep all day? Like be in hibernation for six months? I mean seriously, it's not anything outside of a spiritual experience or a spiritual solution. A vital spiritual experience is a middle-of-the-road solution. And that's what we're dealing with in a lot of these meetings is we're dealing with middle-of-the-road solutions, things that are outside of what this book tells us. We have a common solution, right? Because we're all sitting in here. We know what the common solution is and we're going through this book. We see what our common problem is, right, and do we all have that same common problem? Are we all in here as addicts and alcoholics, right?, powerless over alcohol, powerless over drugs, powerless over the amount that I take once. My mind is powerless, right? Because me at five years, 10 years, the idea that I'm like other people, that idea that i'm like other people or presently maybe, what does a book mean by presently maybe? That me after 10 or 20 years, that maybe I could have a drink. That idea has to be smashed. I have to see that I have no control and no power over alcohol ever, no matter how much time I have. All right. The almost certain consequence that followed taking even a glass or a beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted, right? I can't even remember. It doesn't even matter what happened to me last night. It doesn't matter that I got a DUI last time. It does not matter that it is not a DUIs. It doesnot matter that i got thrown in jail or that i almost killed my kids or that my kids are begging me, right? Do you have the power to stay sober when your kids have asked you to stay sober? Did you have the power to stay sober when your husband begged you to Stay Sober? Hell no! All right. Maybe I shouldn't use spouse as an example. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and rarely supplanted with the old threadbare and the idea that this time we can handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that one keeps putting his hand on the hot stove. That same example. The alcoholic may say to himself the most casual way it won't hurt me this time, right? How many times have I told myself it's going to be different? Like, I just gave an example. Like, this time it's gonna be different. I'm gonna keep a journal. Like, if I kept a journal while I was drinking, that I would... And I couldn't read my journal the next day, so it didn't help. That was a stupid idea. I tried that several times, and I kept those journals. Those journals are funny. For God's sakes, how do I ever get started again? Only to have the thoughts supplanted well, I'll stop with the sixth drink, right, the idea like the marty man idea that i talked about a couple weeks ago like just just try drinking two drinks if you could just drink two drinks for a month every single day then you don't need to be sitting in here if you can control the amount that you drink but for me it ends up with six drinks then seven drinks right can i get a witness okay when that sort of thinking is fully established an individual the alcoholic tendencies he probably placed himself beyond human aid. So now the book's trying to tell me that my thinking, my own thinking, when it comes to alcohol, I'm not talking about anything else other than alcohol and drugs, that my thinking is not going to keep me sober. So if my thinking's not going to keep you sober, little slogans like think the drink through, 90 meetings in 90 days. I'm saying that those things aren't helpful but that's not what's gonna keep me so because if I go to a meeting and it's an hour what do I do the rest of the other 23 hours, right? I've got to have something with me, right. If I'm beyond human aid, what kind of aid is there? What other kind of eight is there where obviously we're getting there. These stark and stark and ugly facts have been confirmed by legions of alcoholics throughout history, but for the grace of God, it would have been thousands more convincing demonstrations. So many want to stop, but cannot. All right. There is a solution, right neon signs. there is a solution italics almost none of us we all know this is really this sounds really familiar almost noneof us like the self-searching the leveling of our pride the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for a successful consummation here it's going to require something it's not going to suggest it this is what it's g oing to require i'm gonna need to be a little humbled here because we don't like to hear that we don' t want to hear about this also leveling our pride are you kidding me right but we saw that it really worked in others and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we were living it right me running my life on my will is like putting god in the in the cockpit as my co-pilot Right? I had no business flying my plane. I have no business. I have No Pilot's License, right? He's the only one with the pilot's license. He should be in the cockpit with the door shut and locked and I need to be in back helping the passengers. I have NO BUSINESS IN THE COCKPIT. When therefore we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, these hundred men and women, there was nothing left for us but to pick up our spiritual, our kid of spiritual tools laid before our feet. I had to ask myself, is there any other hope? Is there a door C like, is there anything else that I can do besides having to rely on a power greater than myself? That's going to help me solve my problems. And I had to say, this is it. You know, the spiritual, the spirit, the, the power of God is in us. Spiritual tools laid at our feet, our steps are referred to as spiritual tools. Why in the hell when we want to leave God out of the meetings. If this is a spiritual program, right? We had found much of heaven and been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. The great fact is just this and nothing less, that we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards our fellows and towards God's universe. A central fact of our lives is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous he began or commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could not do ourselves I have to see when it comes to alcohol when it comes to alcoholicism right see it's not it's not the alcohol that's the problem it's my mind I haven't had a drinking problem for 11 years I have a thinking problem and I have to see that when my spiritual problem and my spiritual malady my spiritual bankruptcy that I have once that's overcome then what then i straighten out mentally if i straighten out mentally then i'm not going to pick up and physically i straighten up too right we're going to see that yes you have a question yeah i'm just kind of confused when it says you have been rocketed into the fourth dimension and then above it you put like spiritual spiritual realm right when do you experience that is that like as you finish your 12 steps you can experience that whenever. There's really no time limit saying when you're going to experience it. Some people are different. You may not have experienced it. some of us are looking for a burning bush and it might not be just a burning brush. It could just be anything. It could be just to change in your life. It could be someone noticing something different about you that you don't notice yourself. That could be, it could be something minute. Don't be looking for some big huge major thing that's going to happen in our lives, right? Don't, don't, you know, God's not going to appear out of the clouds riding a horse. At least I don't think so. And if you're seeing that, I don'T know, you might want to. But what I'm saying is that might not be, your experience might not being this big boom. And for some people it is. I know that it was for you. Some people it isn't. It is, right. Why is it commonly just a feeling of like you've let go and you don't really feel that? Okay, we're going to talk about that in a little bit. We'll talk about it in a minute. We'll be talking about that in a middle of the road solution. I'm going over. I just got another second. There is no middle of the road solution. Name some other middle of the road thing, sayings. Just think the drink through. Keep it simple, stupid. Anything that's not a don't drink and go to meetings. Put the plug in the jug. meeting makers make it you know what meeting makers make meetings they make meetings that's what meeting makers make right so we'll smash some of those old ideas all right all right we had but all two alternatives we don't have three we have two alternatives one was to go on to the bitter end blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best as we could and the other to accept spiritual help what was your choice to be thank you Gosh, you pick up whatever I forgot. That's pretty good stuff. How are you guys doing? Man, Leanne was on fire. Fire! Fire! That's fire. All right. Pat Alcoholic. I'm trying to multitask, but this day has not been one of those multitasking days. Have you ever had those days that just everything turns to shit and you just sort of go, huh? that's the way it is that's where it is but you know what that's why it is it's okay hey so we this is such a powerful section that Leanne was just talking about you know this mental side of the disease is this stuff if I had if I had to really get down to brass tacks it's it's a strange mental blank spot it's the mental obsession that before I even know it, I am drinking that before I was in a recovered condition scared the ever loving hell out of me can you guys all relate with that? can you all relate with dat? where, I'm getting some blank looks let me say it a different way do you have those times using or drinking that you, before it happened And you swore to God, swore to whatever, there is no effing way I'm drinking today. Raise your hand if that's ever happened to you. Okay, everybody's hand went up in the room. And then it happened. If you logically looked at that, can you give yourself a satisfactory reason for why it happened? And did it happen more than once? More than twice. More than a year. Yeah, Don's raising his hand. Yeah, I... Yeah, Dawn, we've gone through that, haven't we, buddy? Yeah, we have. So we've just gotten done with the mental obsession, like the beginning of it, if you will, in terms of... We're from pages 23 to 43. The book is going to discuss in detail. It's introducing this whole concept of the mental obsessive-compulsive disorder and the mental depression tonight in pages 23 through 29. It's going to go into it in big detail in the next chapter about more about alcoholism. So we just got done with this big definition. You asked a great question in the back about what about this fourth dimension? We're going to address it specifically in the appendix two, The Spiritual Experience, here in just a moment. But we're going go back to a guy that we've looked at before and built a story named Roland Hazard. So if you have your book, turn over to page 26. Now we're going to apply what Leanne just talked about and did a great job explaining what this mental obsession looks like. Really a good job, really a good John. And she asked me, said, hey, make sure you fill in anything I've left out. I don't have to fill in the darn thing. I will talk about insanity. I know insanity, I do. So we're gonna talk to Roland Hazard because Roland Hazerd has insanity in spades. So on page 26, a certain American businessman who had able and good sense and high character, for years he had floundered from one sanitarium to another. Wait a minute. Good sense, high character. Floundered From One Sanitarium To Another. They just put those sentences right together like no big deal, right? Sound like us, right ? I got it all happening. I just can't stay out of the sanitarum. It's no big thing. It just happens to everybody, right?. What a great line, man. Just right in there. He had consulted the best-known American psychiatrist. Then he had gone over to Europe. He placed himself under the care of a celebrated physician, psychiatrist Dr. Young, who prescribed for him. Dr. Jung had Roland Hazard as a patient for one solid year in 1931. Okay? When did Bill get sober? December of 1934. So something happened in this Roland Hazard's life that we're going to read about, and something happened that was incredible. Now some quick background on Dr. Young. This guy was not a lightweight. This guy wasn't a light weight. He was the preeminent psychiatrist in the world. And in today's modern psychology, his theories and his practices are still adhered to. this guy is the real deal and Dr. Jung took Roland Hazard through what we would call in today's vernacular cognitive behavioral therapy looking at his problems, looking at his anxieties, looking AT his fears looking AT HIS resentments, looking AT HIS self worth, looking AT HIS child of origin none of which are insignificant and he'd had quite a bit of success but not with people like roland hazard let's read on roland first paragraph still through though the experience had made him skeptical in other words roland hadn't been able to keep sober so he enters his treatment with young going i don't even think you're gonna be able to help me but he's feeling pretty upbeat and he actually held it together for that year of treatment. He wasn't drinking. Roland wasn't drinkin during 1931. A year of treatment and he was not drinking during this treatment time with Dr. Jung. So the experience had made him skeptical. He finished his treatment with, get these words unusual confidence his physical and mental condition were unusually good right so is he hitting on all cylinders from a human power point of view he's recovered I mean he thinks he's in a recovered condition above all he believed first step he believed that sort of challenge there he had acquired such profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind, hidden springs and it's hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable unthinktable he's unusually confident he knows what's triggering him he understands his anxiety, his fears he understands his hatred of himself he understands His resentments of others He understands His guilt he understands his deep depression what else am i missing a couple other things in there there's probably a couple others i'm not touching on but let's suggest that for a year everything that you could possibly touch roland hazard has touched this guy was a sharp guy And nevertheless, nevertheless, read Human Power. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. In fact, the story goes, he gets on the boat to sail back from Europe and he's drunk before it left dock. a year of painful self-evaluation self-discovery all the stuff he and this guy did not come into the treatment going i don't know if it'll work or not this guy wanted sobriety with every fiber of his body anybody in here want that me too so you got to get into this guy's head because look what happened to him so he returned to the doctor why because there's no other option 1931 there was no aa there was No solution there was no plan out there to get him into a recovered condition who me so he reminds dr. young he's admired and he asked some point-blank and god bless dr. Young Bill Wilson wrote a letter to him in 1961 not too long before bill died in the 70s but and he thanked dr young for being one of the founders of aa and he said it was because of your humility and your honesty to roland that introduced a spiritual solution to ebby who introduced it to me wow so rowan had asked him point blank why he could not recover. He wished above all things to regain self-control. He seemed quite rational and well balanced with respect to other problems, yet he had no control, no choice, no power, whatever over alcohol. Why was this? He begged the doctor to tell him the whole truth. He got it. Young wasn't one for messing around with words. Roland, you are utterly hopeless. thanks doc that's good good good start you can never regain your position in society in fact better place yourself under lock and key or hire some bodyguards and you could if you expect to live long in life um that's my opinion roland do you want any more detail wow interlude intermission next paragraph but this man roland still lives as a free man he does not need a bodyguard nor is he confined he can go anywhere in this earth where free men go without disaster wow sounds like he's sober what the heck happened provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude and we're going to talk about that some of our alcoholic readers are going to think well maybe they don't need a spiritual solution anybody in here is going a little bit yippy about the uh spiritual solution like are you kidding me that's all you got to offer i did when i came in my heart sunk when my first sponsor told me your only hope is to have a vital spiritual experience i thought you and who else has told me that for the last 25 years why don't you ever in the back of your mind think maybe i'm one of these that can't have a vital spiritual experience i mean isn't that sort of the the scary thought like the 64 question sitting out there what if i'm the one that god can't get to i'm pretty tough right am i right about that yeah okay wow well so roland roland goes on for round two with the doctor the doctor said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic read between the lines roland your allergic reaction to the drink once you start drinking is profoundly progressed and your ability to control your stop by mental powers has been obliterated. You do not have the power to say when and where and how much you're gonna drink. Anybody feel like that? I've never, oh well he's you know young such a good guy, I've I've never, Roland, seen any, not one single case recover like yours. Wait, wait. Easy does it there, Doc. Where the state of mind exists to the extent that it does in you. And our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed in on him with a clang. Hey, Dr. Young's not done. He's only hit him twice. Wait till you see this next part. Doctor, is there no exception? well yes there is Roland's getting a little helpful there is exceptions to the case such as yours Roland have been occurring since early times here and there once in a while alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences Roland's go okay tell me more to me these occurrences are phenomena that means he didn't understand how it happened they appeared to me out of nature it to be in the nature of and by the way this is what you can expect going through these steps i've been sponsoring guys for 14 and a half years well 14 years and every single man and ladies that i've sponsored through the steps that have completed these steps as outlined in the book and have been honest have had a vital spiritual experience that is without exception, that's 100%. That's not 50-50. That's nicht 80-20. That's niet 3% bullshit. It's 100 percent. How many like those odds? How many are willing to do what it takes to have that experience? You willing to be honest? You willingto keep on showing up? Me too. So what does this vital spiritual experience look like? it's a huge emotional displacement and rearrangement ideas emotions attitudes which are once the guiding force of their lives have suddenly been cast to one side who did the casting they didn't work on this attitude they didn t work on these emotional shifts they didn't work on these new concepts I want to say this really clearly this is not a self-help program thank God if it was about self-health I wouldn't be here I would have found it I swear to God I would have founded I don't you know I'm sure everything's maybe the same way but I don't think anybody in the world thought and worked harder at getting sober than I did before I got in these rooms. And I couldn't pull it off. If there was a way out, humanly speaking, I would have found it. This is not a self-help program. So these emotions, attitudes, and concepts, ideas, the guiding force, they've been suddenly cast aside and a completely new set of conceptions and motives began to dominate them. From the inside out, God changes this. Your higher power changes you before you even realize it's happening. You're going to start changing without even knowing what the hell is happening. You're not even going to be aware. You don't even know where it's going to come from. You don' t even know how it's gong to happen. But people around you are going to start recognizing it. People around you will start seeing a difference in who you are, and that is no exaggeration. In fact, Dr. Young says to Roland, Roland, I've been trying to do this with you. I'm trying to produce these emotional rearrangements within you, but sucker, you won't do it. With many individuals, this method I have employed has been successful, but not like you. Upon hearing this, our friend was somewhat relieved because he reflected that he was a good church member. He had a religious belief. He had a concept of spiritual power. He had the concept of a higher power. He had concept of the great wind of the universe. He has the concept of an Indian red path tradition of Adaning as an example. Whatever your concept might be before you got in these rooms, Roland had one of those. But here's the problem. upon hearing this our friend was somewhat relieved because he's a good church member this hope however was destroyed by the doctor dr young nails him one more time the doctor telling him that while his religious convictions were very good they weren't average he worked with this guy for a year right maybe he's a good Church attender too maybe did all the service work on Saturdays and Sundays Maybe he led a Bible study on Wednesday nights. Maybe he led a spiritual quest in the mountains. Maybe he did the smoking in the tent deal, I don't know, whatever he's doing, right? But whatever he is doing, he is doing it at a big level. And Dr. Young says, in your case, it did not spell the necessary vital experience. Next page, how are we doing on time? Just keep going. now we'll just we'll be careful here this is the terrible dilemma and if i'm honest with myself this is a terrible dilemma dr jung has just said to roland hey roland this mental obsession in this physical allergy which by the way dr jung understood just like dr silkworth he said the solution just like dr. Silkworth said is a spiritual vital vital spiritual experience in the problem that dr. silkworth and dr. Jung had with their patients is they couldn't figure out how to give it to him they knew what the solution was and they knew that this self-centered selfish self-centred alcoholic trapped in his or her mind was eating themselves to death with the shit between their ears. And we've got to help this person recover. We've gotto help this person find a spiritual connectedness. And Silkworth and Jung were honest, and they said the power of the medical profession cannot give you what you need and this is what Jung said to him thanks he basically, I'm going to sort of paraphrase here roll in and I won't read because we don't have enough time tonight But he wrote to, he responded to Bill Wilson after Bill Wilson. This is Dr. Jung in 1961. And he said, hey, let me tell you what else I talked to Roland about. I said to Roland, you're a good church guy. I got it. But unless you have a vital spiritual experience, you are going to die. And my only hope for you is for you to immerse yourself in a spiritual family, in a spiritual body. And in the 30s and in the 20s, what was the big religious movement going on that came over to America? The Oxford Group. Vital Christian principles, not founded on a religion, but spiritual principles centered on God that gave people relief. And Jung's prescription to Roland Hazard was go back to America, get involved with the Oxford group and find a way out and hope for the best. Roland Hazerd went back to America, immersed himself in the Oxford Group and the Oxford Goup gave him these spiritual principles and this contact, connectedness to God that he was looking for and he never drank again. 1932, 1933, 1934 he meets Ebby, stands in front of the judge, says Ebby I will watch, I'll help out Ebby too just like it helped me and the Oxford group set him free and set Roland Hazard free and it ended up sending bill wilson free which gave birth to this program now if you switch over last thing i'm going to do is for two minutes is okay on the um this the appendix 2 turn over to page 562 i think it it's 563 wherever thank you yep 567 if you have a chance read this through and through I'm going to highlight a couple things real fast every time you see a spiritual term circle it okay a spiritual experience a spiritual awakening many different forms the reason they wrote this passage is because too many people are getting freaked out thinking they had to have the white light experience and William James who is a noted psychologist started Harvard psychology okay said he wrote a book called varieties of religious experience and the whole idea behind the book was how did you meet God not know about god not believe in god but how did you actually have a vital experience with god or your higher power and the whole book is nothing but stories about how that took place but the commonality was this humble yourself before god as you understand god whatever the term is speak your truth to yourself be willing to search diligently search deeply within yourself Be honest, be open, be humble, be willing. That simple attitude applied through the spiritual experience in this appendix gave rise to what was called the educational variety, which has been my experience. I didn't wake up overnight with God. But gradually, the promises we just talked about, this revolutionary change changed me. It'll change you. Hope that was some value. Oh, awesome. So now... Yeah, yeah. The appendix is like a... That was at the... Yeah. When the second edition came out. Hi everybody. It's question and answer time. awesome nancy addict alcoholic we are going to take a look at question 31 which is are you powerless over whether you will take the first one have you lost control over staying stopped would anyone like to come up and share what they wrote are you still finding your um idiot's guide there we go here comes one awesome hi i'm tim i'm an alcoholic so are you powerless over whether you will take the first one have you lost control over staying stopped I am powerless over temptation and bad habits staying stopped requires a higher power living a spiritual life will bring me closer to a higher power takes practice how many people answered the questions this week you want me to call on you Hi, my name is Carmelita and I'm a real alcoholic. Left alone with my own thinking, I become convinced that it's the only choice I have left. I'm too emotionally exhausted to fight the obsession. I blank, and once again, can't stop once I start it. My name's Eric, I'm an alcoholic and an addict. Hi, Eric! I don't have my paperwork because I came straight from work, but I remember it because it's my truth that no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't save myself from picking out. Thank you. I mean, I remember one of the last times that I thought I was going to straighten my life out. I got a job in a security company being a security guard, which was the lowest part of my life. But it just happened to be just my luck that it was an overnight job, like great thing for a tweaker. And so I lasted like two or three days and then I had to go back to doing what I had to do to stay awake and that was my justification and that's when I realized like I'm in a lot of trouble so thank you awesome powerless over whether he'll take the first one no one else has had that experience would you like to come and share my name is sammy i'm an alcoholic am i perilous over whether i whether you will take the first one have you lost control staying stopped yes i'm absolutely paris powerless over the first wine no matter how hard i tried and no matter how much I wanted it and no mater how much i knew it was killing me for myself over and over and over every attempt that I tried proved beyond a reasonable doubt any doubt that I had no no control over staying stopped until I got into this program Awesome. Come on, Gary. All good. Keep going, Gary? Hi, my name is Gary. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Gary! First, before I want to answer that question, the first thing I wantto say is that on that 27 of that book, in one paragraph, The Emotional Displacement, I truly believe that most alcoholics will never be able to understand anything that's written in this book until they've had those old ideas, attitudes, and emotions rearranged. That's what happened with me. That's when I woke up. I mean, I was in a fog bank, and boom. I started to think, feel, and act differently because of what people were saying and how I was treating them. That's why it's such a profound state. Anyway, back to this 29. Right? My power? Or 31? 31. 31. You know, I used to think I had control over this thing because I tried many times to go into a bar and I'd tell the bartender, I only want eight beers. That's my limit tonight. I'm done. But you know what happened? Every time I said that, I walked out of there when it closed in a blackout. Every single time without an exception. And so the only thing that would save me is what I just explained on this 27 was that spiritual experience I had when I found out that my old ideas, attitudes, emotions had been rearranged. So when I go to meetings and I share that, when I talk to somebody, I've got a newcomer working with them, they only got 60 days, and they're talking about all these challenges hanging on. I tell them, read this about three times a day tomorrow and tell me what happens the very next day. And they come back and there's a big smile on their face and they go, wow, it works. I say, ding, your fries are done. You know, the fog's gone. So for me it's a pretty good thing. But anyway, that powerlessness, I had this. Okay? That big circle. So anyway, thanks for letting me share. Thanks, Jerry. Cool. My name is Ben. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Ben. Yeah, I'm powerless over the first drink. It was like a reflex, almost like blinking or breathing. And the further away I got from the drink, the more powerless I got. and it was it didn't matter if my ex-wife said if you touch that drink again or I'm gonna disappear with the kids and you'll never see them again and it doesn't matter the promises I made at my mom's funeral to my family it didn't the further away I got from a drink it it was what I needed. My name is Michelle and I'm a heroin addict, meth addict, and an alcoholic. Hey Michelle. You know like willpower seemed so funny to me after this reading. I was like that's so silly to say willpower because yeah anyway. So I've been living in a sober living since June but I have like three and a half months four months so there was a while there where I was like I have a choice I have the choice I ran out of reasons I've ran out of reasons excuses justifications I have a choice now and I'm choosing not to use and when I relapsed I was just gone like I was gone I was like in the car I'm in the car and so part of me is like it's not too late you can turn around like you can call Kelly our house manager you can you know tell her where you are tell her what's going on it's not too late and then like the addict mind was just like looking down and being like no we're going we're on our way and so and it was like a really interesting head conversation like on the way there luckily I was only out for like overnight but um that's like an example of it but I said um my will by itself is not strong enough by the test of time there may be some external factors such as where I live like Sober Living or a city where I don't know where to get drugs from who I'm with, clean folks in the fellowship but ultimately my obsession takes me for a ride that seems quite frankly unstoppable so I'm really excited about learning about the mental obsession That's awesome Okay let's go to a different question How about do you have any choice but to die an alcoholic or addict's death or accept spiritual help now there's a question let me think about that for a minute oh I thought you were coming up here you want to do one what am i at 34 34 okay broke alcoholic um do i have any chance choice but to die an alcoholic or addict's death or accept spiritual help um no um i was uh told by several doctors that i was going to be dead before i was 24 years old 26 now so I made it um but you know I knew that if I didn't have a vital spiritual experience and I think I'm in the process of that right now that I was going to die I know that you know if I go out one more time that this is going to be it so this is my only choice is to have this vital spiritual experienced by going through the work and you know working with others and like michelle said i'm really looking forward to learning about like the mental obsession because my brain is really fucked up so um yeah that's it hi i'm chris i'm alcoholic and an addict boy i wish i would have learned that when i was 24 instead of 54. So, let me see. Do I have a choice to die an addict? No, I do not have a choice. I will die an alcoholic and a complete failure without spiritual help. It is hopeless. It's short and pretty simple. Thank you. Okay. I wrote, Pat Alcoholic, Crystal Meth Addict. I wrote so far these are the only choices I'm aware of. I mean I was really trying to be as honest as possible because I've been through this a few times. The spiritual solution has been so wonderful and life changing. I received so much more than I ever imagined. So, I mean, honestly I didn't even come here to get sober. I knew I had problems but it couldn't be the alcohol and crystal meth. There's always something else. and i you know i was someone 12 stepped me you know and then i got so much more um from a spiritual experience that i could have ever imagined that um i'm honestly i'm just gonna keep going for it i mean i don't as far as i know there's nothing better so that's what i got I know you did yours because we did them together today. Right, yeah. Good evening, family. Shakira Dobohalik. Hi, Shakira. Okay, do you have any choice but to die an alcoholic or addict, death, or accept spiritual help? My response was, in my individual case, inasmuch as I am the real one, the real dopeaholic, there is no middle-of-the-road solution for me. my addiction had led me to a place from which there was no return through human aid I had been to jails institutions and surely death awaited me I had reached a fork in the road which presented me with two choices I could go to the bitter end of blotting out consciousness of any intolerable situation or I could accept spiritual help, I chose the latter. I chose spiritual help. A really short and simple answer. I'll elaborate. john and i'm an alcoholic hi john i said i don't think i do nothing else worked and that's uh but um as you guys were talking i was thinking about i mean do you guys remember that movie the secret that came out yes and i remember standing on my back porch one night smoking a cigarette that had cocaine in it and drinking drinking a beer that was kind of warm because it was just sitting my hand for a while going what if I could like manifest not embarrassing myself every time I got drunk because that was my biggest problem is I would embarrass myself and then I was just like and then it's just like what if i thought about not drinking at all and I was like no no no and I was forget it forget it and then like yeah it's ironic it's like years later I'm standing up here after multiple of multiple of those spirits spiritual experiences um sober today seven years thank you recovered alcoholic my name is Vinnie yeah I just started adding to this because I was listening to everybody and did what came to me was what you guys were saying earlier I wrote down it that it's it's a hard choice to accept spiritual help because it was so comfortable living in that pain and the spiritual help was very scary because there was no experience there but backed with enough pain and enough trials and a lot of era but most importantly what happened in my life was somebody came through that crossed to the other side of the spiritual help and so i didn't see a big book i sort of i saw a person who was the big book so that's why it's so important that we do carry this message out there because sometimes people are the only thing that they see and how we live and that's how it happened to me. In 2003, it was quite miraculous. Thank you. My name is Rodney Alcoholic. You know, I'd have to even bring my paper up here because I wrote no and a lot of these answers, I don't write the stuff in there, but I can tell you three years ago, um, I wanted to die, you know? And then I thought everybody, including my family and everybody else um was way better off without me you know i destroyed a lot of things and um i know i needed some kind of help i could not stay stopped i mean i would tell myself five minutes before it ended up in the bar that i shouldn't be in here and i was in there so it wasn't an hour it wasn't a day it was just right then and when been in this program before and just kind of sitting on my hands not doing any work just this past four weeks has been tremendous for me I mean I see a change in myself so and I'm actually doing the work so 34 of my name is Alfonso I'm not going sorry guys so do you have any choice but to die an alcoholic or accept spiritual help I I wrote down, I don't have a choice. I must trust and believe that there is a power greater than myself that's going to help me have a spiritual experience in order to live a healthy, normal life without alcohol. And for me, I mean, when I got sober, I think I had to have an open mind, right, in order for me to be able to have the spiritual experiences that I felt I was having. I think as I started having them, you know, probably maybe like even in the first 30 days of my sobriety, i started working the program and i started doing the steps and right away i started seeing things that i i think i used to see before and i used just say oh this it just happened for whatever reason but i started saying that it was actually i started believing i guess that it that it was actually god in my in my life that was helping me out and that's what helped me see that it was a spiritual experience for me. Thanks for letting me share. Are we done? I should share. Hi, I'm Stephanie. I'm alcoholic and I'm an addict. And I like this question because this is the second time I've done the steps so in the beginning I'd say do I have a choice but to die alcoholic i didn't really think i was going to die an alcoholic or an addict because i thought my problem um was just you know i was lonely you know I had so much fear I didn't feel part of so I didn t think that was gonna kill me but I kept you know drugging and drinking and so you know like how it says well do we have a choice but to die of that well today I feel differently because I was dying towards the end before I came into BBA and I sat with Tyler and then other people have helped me through the work the second time. I was dying. So that loneliness and that fear and that despair, I was drinking more and more and I was taking pills. And so I was really dying. Um, so I knew that the only answer was to accept that spiritual help. And, and see, that's what I was looking for. I wrote down that I wanted ease and comfort, but that spiritual help today is what gives me that ease and comfort. That's the only thing that gives me the ease and comfort. And I get it through working with great people like you and coming here because I need that ease and comfort. I need to replace the alcohol and the Xanax and the Klonopin that gave me ease and comfort with a spiritual experience, that vital spiritual experience and that spiritual help and I need you to show me how to do that I can't read about it in a book I got to do the steps and I needed you to love me enough to point me to him so I can feel him in my head and then it comes to my heart and then I get that ease and comfort. So thank you. My name is Shelly. I'm an alcoholic and an addict. No, that's my answer to number 34. You know, one thing that I want to mention about this, because I haven't heard it talked about a lot, maybe I'm the only one, but I find this really challenging. It brings up a lot of barriers that I've had for the last, I haven't had a drink or drug for 20 years. Um, oh my God, I've been stuck for 15 and, uh, and it's tough when I look at that. I think, well, of course I need to, you know, to accept spiritual help. And I did, I had a very significant spiritual experience about 20 years ago, maybe 17 years ago about three years in um but I really haven't it hasn't grown much I kind of stopped right there and it was funny when I was doing these the homework I was sitting with a group of gals that some of them were very familiar with the work and on 31 where it says are you powerless over whether you will take the first one I said well yes yes I am and they all went oh yeah um so it's it's hard for me what What I'm seeing right now as I do this work is how much self-will I've gotten into and how I have a reservation, truly a reservation about surrendering with a higher power. There's a lot of stuff there that I didn't realize was there, so I feel like this is the beginning of that actually, and not a very comfortable one, but probably right where need to be so thank you good work folks that's great we're going to pass the baskets which are and I need a couple or three volunteers to clean up which requires straightening up the food table and cleaning up the coffee thing great there's one super awesome and straightening the chairs because tomorrow night's meeting needs to have the chairs all straight as though you were like in the military okay who would like to volunteer to pick up food for next week now you if you buy it we reimburse you for it okay Would anyone like to volunteer to pick up food? Don? Awesome. Cool. Okay. We barely had enough to cover last week, so if you could put in more than a buck or two, that would be great. So we appreciate it. okay we are moving into assignment number seven hello we're not done can you wait till we're finished to have your conversations thank you okay the next assignment is seven which is read more about alcoholism um not the whole chapter just pages 30 through 37 the top paragraph and as you read the big book awakening pages 28 to 31 middle of the page where it says insane put them in your a a big book and the idiot's guide page 13 there's only two questions for next week question 35 and 36 what it's a long chapter yeah it's way more than what we've been doing yeah okay so everybody does everybody still have their sponsorship guide so that you have the page numbers of what you're doing readily available yeah because we have more if you can't find it I couldn't find mine for a while searched around of course is right in front of me okay have the baskets gone all the way around or the paper bag whatever that was oh okay guys we're done shall we close with a prayer