Peter M. on Step 2, the Insanity of the First Drink, and the Cocoon of Treatment

So for those of you in person, you will pay for your lunch when you pick it up at like 1230 or whenever we're doing lunch. But make sure you get your little tickets turned in by 1130. Okay? Yep. Okay, welcome back. Peter, we're coming out the hall. I remember I was sitting in a treatment center. And it was my fifth one. And just to talk a little bit about Paralysis of War, and then we'll get into step two. But I've been arrested a bunch of times, and by God's grace, I didn't go to prison. The thing about Outlaw is synonymous. We talk about the grace of God, but it allows me to have a relationship with that power that gives me grace. There's a difference between the grace. There's a difference between the grace of God and conscious contact with God. And here I am going into my fifth treatment center, and I'm swearing off everything. I'm done with it all. Yeah? And somewhere during the first week or two, whatever it was, I realized it was the outside issues that were killing me. But alcohol, I can probably drink safely. I can get sophisticated, drink in fancy places, put on a nice jacket, get the pinky ring going, get the nice gold. I can get the nice gold. I can get the nice gold. I can get the nice gold. And have someone attractive sitting next to me, and just do that whole thing. And I stopped romancing alcohol. And what they did for me was a day where it was a 28-day spin-dry and treat, 28 days out for the insurance company. And they said, we can't let you out of the 28 days. We're going to do the same thing. We need to hold on to you for longer. Hopefully some sort of miracle will take place. And here's what happened. I've been out of the hospital for nine weeks. I'm in an inpatient. I'm in an inpatient lockdown treatment center where my side of the door has no doorknob. You know those places? It's a big key to get in and out. So nothing can get in or out without staff approval. And so nine weeks of sitting in the facility, I'm going to groups. I'm watching Father Mark's Chalk Talk. They're feeding me. I'm bathing. I'm going to the gym. I'm working out. I'm falling in love every 15 seconds. And all of that. And it's interesting. When I was new and I had 20 days. She had 19. I knew this was a match made in heaven. And it was 15 years. We'll live forever. Yeah. And after nine weeks, they said, we can't hold on to you anymore. We've done everything possible. We need to discharge you on Saturday. I'm not sure if it was Saturday, D.C. day. And I gave the typical response, I know what I need to do. If I know what I need to do, then how come I haven't done it yet? That's just the ego covering itself. And so I hit the fresh air, crossed the threshold, out onto the street, and I'm slammed with reality. That life was already hurting. It was going way too fast. So when I'm sitting in an inpatient treatment center, it's a little cocoon. It's needed. It's safe. It's nurturing. It's challenging. But people, it's interesting how people get paid. I pay people to manage my life. They're called jails and institutions because I'm a danger to myself and others. So they're telling me wake up time, lights out time, lunch time, group time, gym time. And I'm kind of looking at what I do really good and about what I know. And when I hit the fresh air after nine weeks, I realize I'm not good. I don't know where to look for a job. I don't know how to look for a job. I had a really good job, but my dad got me in a big union job. So I don't have to do that. I don't know how to have a relationship with a young lady. In fact, I'm not really sure how to date. I might have to do it. I'm not even sure how to ask a woman out on a date because I've been running through the streets. And the streets is like this. You have drugs. I love you. And that's the relationship. You know. I can't tell you how many times, you know, under the influence, if some of you older guys remember, she would look just like Bo Derek. And I'd wake up next to Bo Diddley. And I wouldn't go after that gent. So these things were happening. And here I am on the streets. I don't know what to do. And my chest is beating fast. And my belly is getting upset. I don't know. I'm going to get out for Monday. So what do you do? I go back to my dad's house. And I stay there on Saturday and Sunday. And I'm not embellishing you. I tell you, I really couldn't sleep. And I really couldn't eat. And I really couldn't carry on a conversation with anyone because I was just vibrating all over. And one of the voices said this. We need a drink. After nine weeks of being in treatment, my body did not need a drink. I was physically sober. There was no post-acute withdrawal syndrome going on. My body did not need a drink. I was just sitting there with you. But the mind said, yeah, you do. And by Monday morning, I could not take it. I was crawling out of my skin. Life hurts. I live in a world that's problematic, a world of impermanence. It's unfair. And sometimes grenades just get dropped in your lap and I don't have a GPS to navigate. I wasn't doing life on life's terms very well. I still can't. I need a drink. And the mind says, we need a drink just to take the edge off. Just one little drink. Just take the edge off. Drink a pill a day. A bump. Just something. Take the edge off and we'll go to AA. But right now, it's just a little too hot. I'm really uncomfortable. Just one time. Just one drink. You know how everything talks to you. I swear to you. You know, my name is Jack Daniels. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to jail tonight. You can have one drink like a man and go home. Monday, sneak out of the house. If my dad could have put a leash on me, he would have. To keep me out of my own way. And so Monday, I sneak out of the house. It was early in the morning. Maybe 5 again. It was still dark out. And I took the car and I headed to another part of town. My family was living in an area called Staten Island, New York. To this day, I still don't know why. And I head over to South Brooklyn. And I get out of the car. It's pitch black. I've got my things open. I'm pacing up and down the sidewalk. Here was my game plan. Get a pint of whiskey. Although I didn't have this game plan in treatment. Suddenly, I was looking for a drink. I was like, I'm going to get a drink. I've got a game plan. Get a pint of whiskey. Get back in the car. Drive back to dad's house. It's going to be a beautiful drive on Monday morning. Everyone's going to work. I'm going the opposite way. I'm just going to kick back and sip the alcohol and enjoy the beautiful scenery. And I'm pacing up and down on a sidewalk. And here's where I meet my own demons. And we all do at some point. It's as if we come face to face with alcohols. We come face to face with Satan himself, which is alcoholism addiction. My stomach is totally upset. My chest is, my heart is jumping out of my chest. My hands are like this. I'm sweating on my forehead. I need, physically, I need a drink. Do you ever notice insanity? We never pick up the first drink drunk. I always pick up the first drink sober. I'm physically sober. The mind drives me back. It takes me back to the drink. It always takes me back to that which is killing me. Insanity. All the time. If it's not a drink, it's a drug. If it's not a drug, it's a drink. If it's neither, it's sex. It's food. It's gambling. It's porn. You name it, it is there. And eventually, it starts to unravel the whole thing. And I'm pouting on the bar. I need a drink. I'm going to the liquor store. I'm going to cop them from Flocko in the alleyway because I need two bags of something. I just don't see it. See, my mind never gives me the truth. In order for me to get to the truth, I need to unravel the lies. I can't get drunk. I'm drunk on truth. My mind comes to lies, and I believe it because they're my thoughts. This is why they have power. I believe they're true because they're mine. I think they're my thoughts. This is the greatest setup for failure ever. So I'm starting to get sick. I'm starting to feel really, really uncomfortable. And finally, the liquor store opens. The neighborhood starts. The lights are coming on. The sun's coming up. And I run in there, and I get a pint of whiskey. And I guzzle it down because I felt like I physically needed a drink with me. And you know what happens? It's sedative in liquid form. I was sedated. I can breathe. My stomach settled down. My forehead stopped sweating. My hands stopped getting clammy. My chest slowed down. My heart stopped slowing down. I'm feeling in control and powerful, beautiful. Here's the problem. I'm an alcoholic, which means the cravings intensify and never satisfy. I never made it to the car, but I went back into the liquor store and got a second pint of whiskey. See? My mind says I'm going to have one drink. It never tells me what it's going to do to me. It always tells me what it's going to do for me. Yeah? It's going to be beautiful. And so I had to go back in because the cravings are now and get a second pint of whiskey. Like I order a drink, and the second one's got to go. And then here comes the third one. And I'm wondering, how is it 4 o'clock in the morning? I came in here for one drink. I was just going to hang out in the corner. In fact, I don't like. I can't stand weed. I can't stand weed. It's a waste of time. But I'll do just to be social. I'll take a couple of tokes. And next thing I know, I'm in a crack house. That wasn't the plan. I'm in a liquor store. That wasn't the plan. Alcoholism doesn't care about my plans. Once we're dead, we'll settle for when we're drunk. And so I had to run back in and get a second pint of whiskey. I went on one of the worst drunks ever. And the consequences were horrific. And that's when any kind of hope was taken from me. Because I knew I was destined to die on the street. I didn't see that coming. I didn't see the pint of whiskey in the treatment center coming. Then I get out, just one pint of whiskey. I didn't see that the trap doors have trap doors. And I came face to face with my demons again. I didn't understand that. I didn't articulate it in my head that well. But we live life forward and understand it backwards. And I look back on it and say, oh my God. I met my alcoholism eyeball to eyeball. And I cannot tell you that there was no solution being offered to me. I was a will not go to any lengths. I was able to go to any lengths for the price we drink. But I'm not willing to do what you people are telling me to do. Not yet. I had to get to a place where desperation screamed louder than the ego. And what we do in alcoholism. It's not just about alcoholism. It's not just about the alcoholics and the alcoholics. But it has happened to me that never made me feel wonderful. My ego is being crushed. Isn't this great? I don't like it. But what we get to do is starve the ego and feed the spirit. Starve the ego and feed the soul. Rather than the opposite way. Rather than playing the role that I think you want me to play. Just to get into your good graces. And to get into the role that God wants me to be. Or as a sign for me. I'm so afraid of what I'm going to become. I hold on to what I've already done. I know this life. What you're offering is a little out there. So I'm going to stay where I am. And that's the spiritual insecurity that I have. And so I have to bottom out some more to where I became teachable. And I get a sponsor. My first sponsor back in Brooklyn. And he saw it at the title page of this book. And he showed me the first promise in the book. It's the word recovered. Recovered. We have recovered. There's a lot of folks who misinterpret that word. We talk about recovering. Not cured. But recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Interesting. Recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Seemingly. If the book said that we have a hopeless state of mind and body. Recovered. And body rolls and rolls down. It's like God forbid he goes into the doctor and he has that conversation. This condition or condition is hopeless. Make arrangements. The book doesn't say I have a hopeless condition in my mind. It says a seemingly hopeless state. Appearing to me and appearing to you. I'm in serious trouble. Seemingly. But I can get out if I'm willing to go to any lengths. Hopeless condition of mind and body. Am I convinced of that? And once I'm in that place of willing to go to any lengths. Based on what I've done. Based on the desperation at this point. Which is given to me by loving God. I get a sponsor. We begin to walk through step one. The 43 pages. And I take a look at the body. I take a look at the obsession with the mind. I talk about the spiritual malady again. The spirit doesn't get sick. But there's a sense of disconnection between me and God. So it's me running the show. Am I willing to let go of that? It's a tough one. Easier said than done. I always want to keep my hands on the steering wheel. Because I'm so afraid of the outcome. I just want to peek around the corner and see what God has for me. Where are we going with this? And if you allow me to peek around the corner and see what I'm having for me. Too much of me. Keeps me right sized. I take a look at step two. It says came to believe. That's an arrival. That a power greater than myself. Not me. Can restore me to sanity. What's this sanity stuff you're talking about? Wholeness of mind. Truth. Solution. All God. For me all interchangeable. That I'm going to get to this place where this power is going to bring me to wholeness of mind. Where I'm not living and alive. And I'm finally living in truth. And on the truth. In the truth. And I'm not going to drink because that's God. See it all works. But it's an arrival. So I'm kind of driving in the middle of nowhere. Like if I was to. I've never been to Bismarck. So if I got in the car and it was late at night. And I had no GPS. I'm apt to get lost. And so I don't know where I'm going. And I'm driving and there's a sign that says Hull. This way. I know the hull. I look at the sign and say. Well follow that sign. It'll get me out of the forest. And I'm driving around in circles. Step two is a pointer out. And they're telling us that these people got to a place of believing. By seeing what was happening in their life. That was my experience. Seeing is believing. I start to see things in my own life that were happening. That I can never do on my own. It was an arrival over time. Short time. Long time. Sometimes quickly. Sometimes slowly. It's going to happen. But I was willing to take that path out. Came to believe that a power gave us up. And restored it to sanity. Am I willing to believe over and over and over again? The book says. You don't even need a conception of God. In chapter two of agnostics. Where they talk about step two. It tells me that my own conception of God. No matter how inadequate. Was sufficient to make the approach. Am I willing? Well for me at the beginning. I'm a Catholic. I believe in the carpenter. I believe in the very law of God. I believe there was some big power out there as well. Undefinable. But it's not working. Not working in my life. What was tangible to me. Was the God. The group of drugs. The God. That gives a good only direction. I can see you. I can hear you. We can shake hands. We can sit down for a cup of coffee. Getting good only direction from a group of drugs. That was my God at the beginning. See they don't care. The only thing I care about is that we are not only well. They don't care. See, they don't care. They're just willingness to believe in something other than me. Willingness to believe in something other than what I was doing. And my will to exchange what I've been doing for something new that I haven't done. Desperation will bring me that. And so that's how the journey began. And I start to walk through chapters in agnostics, which tells me how to believe. How do I believe in this power? Simple. Lay aside old ideas. You guys may have heard the set-aside prayer, the lay-aside prayer. Just put stuff aside. In fact, the book is not telling people the way you believe is wrong. The way you believe is right. Just say, make room for new. It's not to lay aside my prejudices, my contempts, my anger about religion, about God, about different religions, about different gods, whatever. Just put it aside. I'm willing to do that. Back to step one. Desperation makes me do it. When I would walk into a liquor store looking for credit, because I was a frequent visitor, and the guy on the first leave basis, I would tell him, you know, Charlie, can you just spot me a pint? I'm in trouble. I'm going to make sure I'm on my best behavior. I'm totally respectful to him. And I'm going to beg if I have to, because I need to get something. Or I'm screwed. And if you were into it. I'm going to beg if I have to. And if you were into it. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. I'm going to beg if I have to. a short time or a long time. Unmanageability is in current insanity. I don't think I need to pray today. I can skip praying today. I can skip going to a meeting today. I can skip calling my sponsor. It just goes on and on. I'm repeating old behavior. In fact, some of them will tell me, hey, you know, Pete, that's old behavior. But I'm doing it now, which means it's not old behavior. It's never left. It's very current behavior. I've just been able to mask it. Part of insanity is not only going back to that which is killing me, but part of insanity is sitting in AA and still refusing to be unmasked. I'm still coming in with a role that I want you to think I'm playing. A persona, an image. I still need street credit. I'm an outpost anonymous. Your street credit was so bad. What are you doing in outpost anonymous? I love where I'm in South Florida. Bless the hearts of the young ones who come in and they got that swagger going on. They're talking to little girls and they just don't drink with CrossFit and they wear t-shirts that are six sizes too small. You know, it's kind of weird. And in the middle of the conversation, I'm going to call my mother. I need cigarette money. I can't, somebody give me a pass, you know. It says this on page 47. I need to ask myself one short question. Do I now believe or am even willing to believe that there is a power within myself? Not in me. Am I willing to believe that there's something possibly, maybe, out there greater than me? Only a narcissist or an egomaniac would say, absolutely not. I am the power of the universe. And they may cart you away and put you in a rubber-lobed state jacket. What they're asking, they blow it wide open. Are you willing to believe that there's something else out there greater than you, even a room full of drugs, a group of drugs that blow you away? I mean, a simple analogy would be this, just to bring it down. Let's say you and I get to a wrestling match. Well, maybe I'm able to beat him one-on-one. If he got like that, hold back, roll the guys. I'm going to lose. They become a power greater than me. Five against one, I lose. It's a power greater than myself. Is it possible that as great as I think I am, I'm talking about the power of this universe, is it possible that's greater than me? That's all they're asking me. It's a common sense answer, yes. And that's all I need to begin, to begin this journey towards sanity. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? I got to take a look at my current agnosticism, where I doubt and have skepticism that God's working in my life. I took a look at my old, my current, my future, where I want to be with God in the future, where I currently am. And based on my track record, I need one to show it never worked. There's something on page, I just want to backtrack to page 43. Another incredible piece of information. Again, live life fully and understand the fact that I'm sitting in meditation, one day after reading some big book, and it hit me. This line in the middle of the page, halfway down, it says, 100% hopeless apart from divine help. I've read over that 100 times. Incredibly powerful, profound statement that this doctor's making an opinion on this. That I am, Peter Marinoli, is 100% hopeless apart from divine help. 100% hopeless apart from divine help. Meaning without divine help, I'm 100% hopeless. 100% hopeless. Am I in that place, not only drunk on the way in here, but in here, and if the wrinkles are out of my belly, do I still see this tremendous need to invite my God into growing understanding and effectiveness because as to my own devices, I will go back to drinking again. I came to believe that a power made of myself can restore me to sanity. And I get to step three. It's a decision to get back. What's interesting in how it works, when I talk about step three, it isn't that I've done anything. I've often heard people say the first three steps are conclusions of the mind. For me, I have a different experience because anything my mind offers me is poison. So I don't get any good conclusions of the mind. But deep down in soul, what I'm doing, the soul is acknowledging what it always knew. You know when you go to a meeting and someone's sharing something, even if you heard it for the first time, you kind of nod and there's something that, yes, the light goes on. There's something acknowledging what that person is saying. It's the soul already knew it. I'm just kind of meeting my soul. You don't want to say, yes, that's exactly what I've been trying to talk about. That makes total sense to me. Yes, that's something not up in here, that's right. What I'm about to do is make a decision, just a decision, not do anything yet. And the thing that's generating that is deep down in soul that, okay, I'm willing to go down that road. Now I'm going to start walking. I'm willing to go walk down this road into this place I've never been before, that step three of decision. And making a decision doesn't say we do anything. It says, rarely have I seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. What a tremendous promise. Sometimes it looks like, rarely have we seen a person thoroughly follow this path. Rarely have we seen a person thoroughly follow this path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this secret program. That's kind of a warning for me. I need to be all in here. See, when I drink alcohol, I never left any in the bottle. The last sip. The same thing when I'm doing the other stuff. You know, licking the paper, make sure there's no residue on it. You know, scraping the pipe. I mean, going to any lengths, I gobble this all up. What they're asking me to do in AA is completely give my all in. Now, I've never done this before. I don't know if it's going to feel like a look like, but I'm willing to go all in. I don't know what that means, how far in they're asking, but I'm willing to completely give myself to God. Completely give myself to alcohol synonymous. Which will be demonstrated in my actions for the sponsors to set the meeting up? I say, okay. I need you to make coffee. Okay. I need you to break the meeting down. I won't go there. I'm exhausted. I want to go home, but I'll break it down. And I need you four steps done by the weekend. You've been on it for two weeks now. Completely give myself to this. Completely give myself to be accountable to a sponsor that I call the sponsor with everything. And make no decisions for myself. Now, the part of me that doesn't like that is the ego. I'm sober six months. I could be in a relationship. Where in the big book does it say I shouldn't be in a relationship? It doesn't, but I'm the sponsor. I'm telling you in our relationship, what am I going to do? Run the show myself or not? Rarely have we seen a person fellow slowly follow a path. Those who do not recover, people cannot or will not completely give themselves to a simple program. Usually men and women are constitutionally incapable of being honest. We have those folks who will linger and linger and then die. For some reason, they can't be completely honest. Not only talk about cash, but just be honest. We're talking about for a drunk like me, to be honest with my condition that I'm alcoholic and I will pick up a drink and take it until I die. That's my condition. I don't care if I have children at home, a beautiful relationship at home, a great job at home, whatever it is, I am going to drink until it kills me. That's my honesty. That's my condition. I can dress it up all I want. I drink alcohol. There are such infortunes that are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. Now here's where it gets interesting. They're naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living. This demands rigorous honesty. It says, that those who suffer from grave emotional mental disorders, but many of them do recover, if they have the capacity to be honest. So the first time I read this, I thought grave emotional mental disorder, were those folks who had, I take, say, bipolar disorder. Or some folks who had, you know, real heavy psych issues. And I read it and it says, oh, isn't our book so wonderful? It's all inclusive. Those folks who have psych issues, the grave emotional mental disorder, we feel so sorry for them. Come on in with us. And my sponsors say, shmuck, they're talking about you. Because what do you mean? You have a grave emotional mental disorder. But I'm not on medication. Because you've been on medication your whole life. It's full of alcohol. And sober. You have a mind that will take you back to that which is killing me. How many relapses have you had? Too many to count. That's a grave emotional mental disorder. You never picked up the first drink drunk. You always picked up the first drink sober. That's insanity. That's a grave emotional mental disorder. It's okay, what else we all learned today? Boom, the ego, you can drop the mic. Boom. Capacity, to be honest. I always loved this analogy. So I got a bottle of Coke here. Coca-Cola folks. Eight dope fiends in the back said, what does he got? It says 20 fluid ounces. Okay. So this container has the ability to be filled up, the capacity to be filled with 20 ounces of Coca-Cola. But if I unscrewed it and left it here and came back next year, it'd probably evaporate maybe. It'll be murky, and God knows what's crawled in there. You couldn't drink it, it'd be flat. You'd probably get sick if you downed the whole thing. But the container has the capacity to be filled. It's just a year older. You know what, it's a year older than me. And it's a year older than me. So it's a year older than me. I'm a year older than you. And I'm a year older than you. And I'm a year older than you. And I'm a year older than you. in there. You couldn't drink it. It would probably get sick if you're down the whole thing. But the container has the capacity to be filled. It's just a year older. I have the capacity. We have the capacity to be filled with God's fear, which was there all the time. But in order to do that, the process of recovery is never addition. It's removal. And the more I remove, the more I have room to put more in. So I would come over and empty it out, rinse it out, and begin to fill it up with whatever I wanted. More soda, maybe iced tea, water, whatever it might be. It has the capacity to be filled. In order to do that, it has to be emptied out. Am I willing to endure being emptied out by this process? Which means everything I thought I needed and wanted has been a lie. God might take the relationship from me. God might take my money. God might take my money from me. God might move me from one part of the country to another. It's none of my business because I said I'm going to let go absolutely and completely give myself to this program. All necessary to flush out what's in the way in order to embrace what's always been there. God. It isn't that suddenly I come upon God. Well, it feels like I've come upon God. I'm discovering the truth that's always been there by removing me and getting me out of the way. My ideas, attitudes, and emotions about everything. Frightening as heck. When I moved from, I was living in the northeast New York. And there's a certain rhythm growing up in New York. A lot of the northeast is like that. You know, from Philly or Boston, New York, there's Jersey, there's a thing. I'm sure you have it out here. And when I moved to Minnesota, well, they moved me to Minnesota. I look like my cousin Vinnie, if anyone's ever seen that movie. You know, when I showed up in Minnesota. And I thought that was cool. Like I still have that street thing. I was like, you know, Joey Bag of Donuts showing up in Minnesota. And I thought it was cool. I thought it was okay. I thought it was better that way. What are these people in the Midwest? I'm from New York. And I quickly saw that that's the way I was. I thought that was cool. I thought that was better that way. I thought that was better that way. But it doesn't work anymore. No one's impressed by that. In fact, it's offensive. And it took a lot for me to be vulnerable. It took a lot to get to a place of transparency. It took a lot for me to sit down with this gentleman, Kid Buss, and say, I'm scared to death. That's why I'm walking around like I'm somebody from New York. Because deep down inside, I know you guys are better. Personally, you're so alone than me. And when I began to get to a place, it was the beginning of bridging the gap, if you will, of trusting God, relying upon God, letting go absolutely. It's the thing we talk about with very few of us do it. Quit playing God. Let go absolutely. Quit playing God. Let go absolutely. It's that it began where I start to show some transparency and some vulnerability. Not to the mass. The scripture says don't cast your pearls before swine, but to a few people. And in that most weakest, vulnerable, transparent place, guess what? I find God's power. That all my knowledge that I thought I had was supreme weakness in standing in front of God. It was in the way. But going to a place of I'm afraid, I don't know what to do, I don't know where to turn, and I don't know who to ask is where suddenly I get rocked and find God. Because the soul now takes over. It's scary as heck. And I have found over the years when I've been in those dark spots, like after a divorce or a health scare and money scares and things like that, where I don't know what to do and I'm feeling most vulnerable, most transparent is when I'm totally trusting and relying upon God. Please God help me. And I find tremendous power in that. Am I willing to make a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I currently understand it? Whatever it might be. Turn my life over to God. Turn my will and life over to care of a group of drunks from the early direction. They don't care. I'm willing to do that. I'm willing to get out of the way. Or maybe it's a deity we grew up with. They don't care. Am I willing to make that decision to turn my thinking, my thoughts, my actions, my life over to God? All actions God does. What they're asking me...they mean it's unbelievable how the book works. They're basically asking me will a life, turn everything back to God, because I have left this world and come back to God. And when I don't I believe everything will come undone because I versch tadabal足 naav enšanvat made a mess of it. God gave me, next to breath in me and life, God gave me a great gift, gave us all a great gift that separates us from the others. It's free will. Choice. And I actually think I own that. I'm going to turn my will like, I took my will back like I'm a God bigger than God. I have free will. I'm going to give it back to God. It's a trick. God gave it to me in the first place. And what I do is say, God, here's my soul I've made a mess of it. Can you please fix it and give me yours back so I can work for you? Those of us who are children or maybe little ones that are around us, they have a toy and it breaks. And we'll go, let mommy or daddy fix it. No, I want to do it. And when they're frustrated enough, they come in the kitchen or in the living room crying and they hand you the toy and they say, can you fix it? I can't do anything with it. And then we fix it and they go, you know, I'm skipping off. And then, you know, my daddy fixed my broken. I'm the same way. Let me never think I'm bigger than a child in the eyes of God. But not childlike. It's a big difference. So am I willing to turn my will and life for the care of God as I currently understand it where I am with God? Our story is disclosed in a general way what we used to be like, living life on self-will. What happened? The spiritual transfer. The transformation. And what we're like now living in the world of the spirit. What's that look like? On page 60, it tells me this. Our description of the alcohol, that's the first 43 pages, the chapter is the agnostic. And our personal adventures before drunken and in sobriety make clear three important ideas. That A, I'm alcoholic and I cannot manage my own life, drunk or sober. Drunk or sober, I'm alcoholic. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm alcoholic and cannot manage my own life. B, that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism, drunk or sober. I've experimented with the human power. If I meet her, I won't be alcoholic anymore. If I have kids, I'll stay sober for them. I've met someone really nice. I'm going to get my act together. I got this really good job. It works. No human power. No human power can relieve my alcoholism. No thing can relieve me of my alcoholism. Money, property, prestige. It just doesn't work. It might float me for a while, but eventually I'm not going to go back to do what I always did. Maybe I'll change area codes, but I'm going to do the same thing. That's what I do. Because I'm powerless. I have no power to stop it. I see it coming and I can't get out of the way. And that God could and would if he was sought. What am I doing to seek this power? The only remedy to my alcoholism. Again, they don't care what your God is, but are they willing to seek it? What do my actions look like? If you want to know what my belief systems are, take a look at my actions. I can preach a sermon, but I don't look like I'm walking one. What's this look like? How much time do I spend communing with God? That kind of thing. I need to spend time with God. And there's times where I'm lazy. Slothful. Spiritually slothful. I go to the gym. I do bike riding. I have a full-time job. I have a lot of sponsors calling me. And you would say, well, this guy's busy life. He's always moving around. Tons of energy. But I'm slothful when it comes to spiritual growth. I'm tired. It's 11 o'clock and I'm thinking, I can't tell how many times I land back in Fort Lauderdale after a weekend like this and I get in. It's maybe 11 o'clock. I'm like, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the park. When the plane lands at 1130, by the time I get my luggage, it's midnight. People are unfriendly in an airport at midnight. Every man or woman for themselves. The best way to describe it is I can ask a guy what's upstairs. He says, this is the second floor of the world today. By the time I get my luggage, I'm like, I'm just getting in the car, get out of the parking lot, get on 95 and get home and give it to the See Marion's at 1 o'clock in the morning, and I've got eight hours airport . All it is See Marion, get the plane off, take a shower and have a snack and go to bed. I don't like playing 왠't that to you. I'm it's 1130 in the morning now. Besides, I did a weekend. I gave everything I have for a whole week and I can get it passed. I'm just tired. I'm I'm so tired. I could be late where I want to be, but I'll be in a hospital. No. I'm tired. We're gonna be able to watch TV. We're going to be in Paris, Am I just lazy? Because back in the day I've been exhausted and tired and beat up and tore up from the floor up and it would be a blizzard outside, but I gotta go out and do what I have to do. In my pajamas, in my underwear, I don't care. I'm going. No brushing the teeth, no fixing it up. I need to get there. And suddenly I've gotten too tired because it's 1.30 in the morning and everyone's sleeping. I become slothful. And because what happens is that one miss turns into two misses. That turns into three misses. Then I check in and become four misses. And I'm really having communion with God for a while. And suddenly the whole thing begins to unravel because as my prayer life starts to dissolve, so does my meditation life dissolve and so does my nightly review dissolve. And as I said earlier, I'm going backwards in the steps. As far as turning it over, I'm not doing anything right now. I'm giving it a bottle lip service. Am I convinced that my life run on self-will can hardly be a success? All I have to do is look at my track record. The more I try to manage my life, the more I manage it becomes. I want to go to page 62 for a second. And how are we doing on time? I think we have 15 minutes. Page 62 sums me up. It's in self-assess and self-sentence. That I think is the root of my trouble. There are roots on a tree deep underground. You can't see them. So I can run around trimming the leaves, trimming the branches, which means I'm going to meetings, showing up, making coffee, taking a commitment. Oh, it looks good. I clean up real good. I look like Gucci on the outside. On the inside, I look more like Walmart. But I haven't gone and pulled the roots out. I'm not even allowing anybody to go that far. You stay there, I'll stay here. We'll share, but not too much. I'm not going to really let you know what's going on because you might give me ways to get out of that. So it's playing it safe now. Self-assess, self-sentence, that we think is the root of our troubles. I am driven. I am driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. A lot of different forms of self. But there is only one God. Isn't that wild? There are a lot of forms of self. There is only one God. And I'm driven by all these forms of self. All these manifestations of self, which are driven by fear, which are driven by me. Self-reliance again. It gives birth to other defects. Relieve me of the bondage of self. So here I am sober and I still believe I'm attached to self. I believe these manifestations of self are who I am at the soul. I believe I have alcoholism, but I start to believe I am alcoholism. If I am alcoholism, how can I get recovered from alcoholism? Scripture says, how can Satan cast out Satan? How can I be rid of self if I believe I am self? I have manifestations of self. For example, I've gotten the flu over my life. I am not a flu. I caught the flu. Now if I don't remedy it by taking medicine, it turns into bronchitis. Then it becomes pneumonia and then I die. People, homeless people die on the streets lots of times for pneumonia. They get sick, raging fever. The lungs clog up and then you find them dead. But if they were taken in to a doctor, get an antibiotic and they're fine in a few days. We've all had it. If a fly lands on my hand, the first thing is I swallow it away. Could you imagine this? A fly lands on my hand and I start to study it. I'm looking at it. Then after a couple of days, I see you and you see me. I'm walking around the room buzzing. I'm making a buzzing sound. And now I start to flap my arms and what are you doing? I'm a fly. No you're not. You have one on your hand. No I'm a fly. Doesn't that sound crazy? How can I get rid of a self? How can I get rid of any of the self if I believe at the core that's who is me and that means there's no God? I have alcoholism till the day I die. And one day God's going to call me home and hopefully I will die with alcoholism, because one's always an alcoholic, but not from alcoholism. Yeah? I am not the fly. I'm not the flu. I have it. It's on me. I can be rid of it one day at a time, but not cured. Because even though I've taken antibiotics for the flu, I've gotten the flu again. Got the head cold again. Got the allergies again. You get it? But there's a remedy for it. Once a drunk, always a drunk. This isn't about getting cured when we say we're recovering. But for today, the symptoms for the most part have been arrested. For today. Tomorrow's another day. An hour from now is another thing. We don't know. So we chop, put in, carry them. And it's past 1215 and we go to lunch at? 1230. 1230. Okay. So our troubles, we think of basically of our own making, it tells me. What a tremendous promise. Because the book says my troubles will be called my own. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. That means which is usually how I saw life. I have to run around fixing all of you. But unmanageability they're talking about is an internal condition. That's what all originates from because of my disconnection with God. I'm running the show. When I run the show, I'm always picking you off. You have to do this and you haven't done that. If you would only do what I want, I wouldn't be happy. You know, I'm not going to do this. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm running the show. When I run the show, I'm always picking you off. You have to do this and you haven't done that. If you would only do as I want, I would be happy. If my husband, my wife, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my children, my boss would only do as I tell them to do and follow my script, I'm going to be great. Here's the reality. Even if they did, I'd still not be okay. If my boss gave me all the money I wanted and she told me how much she loves me and the kids were behaving properly and I lived in a great part of town and everything was good, I would find fault in it as I illustrated at the first session. When everything looks good, my mind says, yep, I did. And it overrides everything except God. I'm entitled. I'm a brat. I'm spoiled. I'm jealous. I'm envious. I'm slothful. I'm greedy. I'm lustful. I'm angry. I got all of it. And only in Alcoholics Anonymous can I tell you about the terrible, awful, nasty things I've done. And you say, here's my number. Give me a call. Only in AA. This is the how and why of it. First, I had to quit playing God. Now, I've read over that many times. How many areas of my life am I playing God? Inwardly or outwardly? Because it tells me it doesn't work. How many areas? How many areas of my life am I playing God? Many of them. Here's how I play God. I get up in the morning. I think about the, I consider my plans for the day. And I know who's going to do what and how it's going to play out. I know this isn't going to work out, but I'm playing God. I've done it with politics. I did it with COVID. I have a certain view on my political affiliation, if you will. And anyone who disagreed with that was not good. And I would look at the news knowing I'm going to get aggravated in two seconds. And I would hear what some of these folks out there are doing, the people in power in Washington. I know I'm going to get aggravated by taking a little pee. You know, like the car accident? Don't look. Don't look. How could I possibly live a spiritual life? I wish I could do this 100%. How could I possibly live? A contemplative life when I'm taking sides and I'm picking people off. That's me and my alcoholism. See, it doesn't always have to come in a drink. It's thoughts. It's behavior. This is the how and why that I had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, I decided here after this drama of life, God's going to be my director. He's in charge of my life. Am I willing to turn to him? Have I got that I had to quit playing God? Do I get clearly that I have to let go? Absolutely. He's the principal. We're his agents. The agent represents the principal. My book just told me at some point I'm going to be representing God. How's that look? He's the father. We're his children. Most good ideas are simple. This concept, your idea, was the keystone of a new and triumphant march to which I passed the freedom. When I sincerely take this position, all sorts of remark. I'm not going to be the father. I have a new boss. Being more powerful is going to provide with me what I need if I keep close to him in the form his work will. I don't have to get close. See, I was always under the illusion I need to get close to God now. Failing to realize he's always been closer than my own breath. What happens is I wake up to the aha moment. How close has God always been? But I never turn in in order to go out. It was always, here's me. And God's out there somewhere. I don't have to get close in order to keep close. I'm already there. What has to happen, all this stuff has to get out of the way, which we're about to do in 4 through 9. It tells me this. Established on a footing, I became less and less interested in myself, my little plans and designs. Page 62 is all about me. They're telling me less about me. Later on in step 9, it says, I will lose interest in self-esteem. I will lose interest in my fellow's. It's not about me anymore. How do I perform God's work well? My sponsor says, get to a meeting and be of service. Get to a meeting, help somebody. Start to live it all through, start to train. It's a great starting point. I don't have to be a founder or a guru or be the leader of my group. Just be in there, doing something. Be selfless. It's a great starting point. More and more, I became interested in myself. I became interested in seeing what I can contribute to life as I felt new power flow in. Thank you God, because I'm out. It's not empty. But I begin to feel new power flowing in. It's that thing that starts to move you to a meeting of getting excited about it. Oh, Joe is speaking there and Mary is speaking there. I heard them once before. We're all going to go. Or maybe somebody out of my support group is giving a talk and we're all going because we're excited. It isn't about how come they're not asking me. That'll happen down the road. When the ego shows up. You're speaking. We all hang out. We're going to go see him speak. We'll go for coffee. There's new power flow. You can feel it. It's very tangible. And the pipeline has been opened up enough to experience some of that. It says I enjoy peace of mind. I've been telling you for the longest time how dangerous the mind is. What they're talking about, peace of mind means I'm not looking in the future and I'm not looking in the past. I'm present right now. There's a sense of peace in that. In the present moment. I discovered I could face life successfully. I became conscious of God's presence. I'm very awake to this. I begin to lose my fear. Period. I was reborn. I can't go back into mama and come out again and be reborn. I'm reborn in spirit. The transformation is about to happen. And for some of us we might feel it right now. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But I'm making this decision to get there. Now what it tells me in step three is that in order for this decision to be permanent and not just words, I need to immediately start step four which we'll talk about after lunch. So what I did for me was I made this decision to turn everything over to God. But how do I do that? I don't do that now with a few years sober. It seems like it would be easier to do now to turn everything over to God because I've been around a couple of years. Well sometimes that's not true because I've also accumulated stuff. I got the career. I got the car. I got this and I got that. Thinking I got it when God gave it to me. It's all on loan. And so if I turn everything over to God, he takes it away. And although I love God, I love the effect produced by God, I love the sound of God's will for me, today I like mine a little bit more. And so it seems to be the longer I'm around, I might be holding on a little bit tighter to the things that God freely gave me. But I must let go absolutely. And the way I show that is in my action steps four through nine. So in the morning what I do is, you know I do this third step prayer every morning, this second step prayer. I love the prayers. I surrender everything back to God in the morning. God I believe help me with my unbelief. Take me like the wretch I am. Do with me as you see fit. I'm surrendering everything to you. Before we launch a quick story. So I'm a business owner. It isn't a major corporation. But what do I have here? It's only 11. I'm on New York time. So I have how much money? I have 45 minutes. So I have how much time? 45 minutes? How much time before the break? We're past the break. We're past the break? We're past the break? We're past the break? We'll take a quick 10 minute break. Make sure you get your tickets in for lunch. And then we'll repeat and have lunch at about 12.30. Done. Okay. I can't count. I'm an alcoholic. I can't count until it's on. I'm looking at my watch and think I got it all together since 12.30. But that's too long. Okay. Let it go up soon. Pre-COVID hit. I was here before COVID hit. And my business was doing nicely. And then for whatever reason it was doing poorly. And everyone was working hard. And it was getting worse. And I was working hard. And I was working hard. And I came like it seemed to be a few days from closing of shop and coming out of business. And I'm sweating bullets every day. And I don't know what to do. And one particular day, I looked at my bank account, and I realized I can't pay the rent. And I'm thinking what group, what meeting, did I miss when they handed out the pamphlet How to be rich and famous. Because I'm not famous and I'm definitely not important more in this gray Quababoo. Because I'm not famous and I'm definitely not rich. I can't pay the rent. I'm sober a number of years and my business is about to close up. Oh my god. That particular day I was invited to a detox center that had just opened in South Florida. And they asked if I would come by. The last thing I want to do is go visit this place in Press Palms. I can't. I'm full of me at this moment. I'm living in wreckage of the future. I'm not letting go absolutely. I need to do something. I don't know what. But I went and I walk into the place and in the lobby there's one of those that look like this big electric scoreboard. Welcome Peter Marinelli. Now I say that because most folks say I'm glad I came. This is pretty cool. I thought worse. And when I walked into the place and a few texts came out of the back and then the owner came out. His wife came out. Peter Ram, I can't believe you're here. Oh my god. Thank you for coming. I listened to all your CDs. You've got a lot of stuff. You've helped me so much. I only say that for this reason. Most people would say I'm glad I came. This feels pretty good. Get me out of my self-pity. I was feeling even worse. Because the amount of money I have makes me a real man. And there is none so I'm in trouble. How do I call Marion until we're in serious trouble financially? My business is about to close. And we pressed Palms and the gentleman took me. The owner of the place took me into his office. He sat me down with his wife. Who had a wedding ring on that looked about this big. And he's sitting there and he's talking to me and I know close. And he's got Ferragamo shoes on. And he's got a Canali sport jacket on. He's got a Rolex watch on. And he's young enough to be my son. And I'm sitting there slumped in a chair opposite his desk wanting to die. I'm losing my business and I have no money. And I'm in trouble. And I got back to my car and began to cry. And I called my sponsor. And I told him what's going on. And he says this is alcoholism. You have all this fear and anxiety because you have spiritual insecurity. Two Thomas Merton talking about it. It looks bad right now but you think it's going to get worse. God won't take you past this. He's never ever dropped you in the dumps yet. He's never ever dropped you in the dumps yet. He's never ever dropped you in the dumps yet. He's never ever dropped you in the dumps yet. He's never ever dropped you in the dumps yet. He's never ever dropped you in the dumps yet. But you think this is the time he's going to do it. So what my sponsor did with me was pray with me on the phone and walk me through an inventory. That was a long day. I didn't sleep too much that night. But I paid my rent. Things just happen. And I've been paying my rent since. And we live life forward and understand it backwards. But I do not trust God. And I do not let go absolutely. What begins to happen is I take over. And although on paper I was the owner of the business, in reality the business owned me. Thereby letting go of any kind of living with inspiration or being inspired because I was in me. And in fear and in desperation everything comes to a screeching halt. And that was contagious. And I began to... I remember praying, God I'm letting go absolutely. If you're going to close the business then close it. If I have to go wash windows somewhere, you know, work on a flea line, you're in charge. And I was saying it. I was hurting saying it. But I'm letting go of this completely. Whatever you want to do with me, you've taken me this far. You know what happens to my business, right? They go worse. We're on a verge of closing. But that kind of awakened spirit, without saying a word, Thomas Burton said, what you do is a lot. I can't hear a word you're saying. Became contagious. To a couple of guys, there was one guy I worked with in Marion. And we made some little changes in the office and then just released it. My business, thank you God, is very successful. And I say successful, not financially. We're making a living. Successful in being able to help other people. It's thriving. It's thriving. It's really, really thriving. It's a big thing. But I've let go. Even now in the good times, I'm letting go. It's none of my business. My life is a thing about step three. Am I willing to play by rules other than my own? Am I willing to live on terms other than my own? Am I really clear that my life is none of my business? That doesn't mean we take a spirit of apathy like I don't care. We should care. Should take care of the body. That's why I bike ride and get to a gym. To take care of a body God gave me. Thank God he's carrying me this long. To watch my mother and not be a glutton when it comes to money. Or greedy when it comes to money. How am I willing to show up? We should care. I should care. But at the end of the day, it's really him who's in charge. Am I willing to get that? There's something that says knock and the door will open. It doesn't say knock. If it doesn't open, kick it open. Which is what I've been guilty of. Am I going to trust God or not with every area of my life? I can't pick and choose. If spirituality doesn't touch every single area of my life, it touches none of my life. Because alcohols and hit touched, permeated every single area of my life. It told me what to do, how to think, how to hear, how to behave. Everything. It affected every relationship I have. God has. If spirituality touches none of my life, it doesn't. If it doesn't go to every area of my life, it touches none of my life. Like, I may be spiritually doing a meeting, but when the meeting's over, game on. It doesn't work that way. How am I doing when no one's around? How am I doing when no one's around? When I think no one's looking. Do you ever do this? You see somebody misbehaving, and you're watching them, but they don't know you see them? Do you ever have that happen? Oh my God, look at this guy fighting with his girlfriend in the middle of the street like a lunatic. He gave a talk on 11-step last night. He doesn't even know I'm here. Guess what? When I'm misbehaving, somebody's saying, there he is, Mr. A.A. What is he doing? There's always someone watching. How am I doing when no one's around? How am I doing when I'm sitting on the couch and no one's around? Or in a shopping center and no one's around? There are no A.A.s around. The A.A. police are nowhere to be found. My life is on the mark. This is something I want to look at absolutely. We have break time? Yes, let's do a quick 10-minute break. We will come back here at 1145.