Peter M and Chris S – May 2022 Workshop – Part 6 of 7 – 2022 – Chris S.

All right, all right, everybody. My name is Chris. I am an alcoholic. I love doing these things with Peter. I really do. Peter and I go way back, go back like 20 years, you know, doing these crazy things. And I just have so much fun. I have so many friends. I have a lot of fun with him. He asked me to tell you a story. All right. So I'm going to start off by telling you a story. Now, one of you know, I did a lot of stupid things when I was drinking. Can you can you relate to that? Like, you know there's some ads. Okay. I did some stupid things. I was trying. One of the thing one of the really stupid things that I would do when I Was drinking is I would I would Do drugs and you know and I mean if you if you handed me a drug, I'd eat it and then ask you what it was. You know, when I was drinking, you know, I mean, I didn't care. Am I going up or am I going down? I just, I just I was I was reckless. You Know, I was Mr. Misadventure, you know when I was out there drinking and and I grew I grew up in this area in northern New Jersey where we were about an hour outside of Manhattan, like when I was growing up. And so this is, I'm talking about the 70s now, when everything was wild. It was the Wild West in the 70S. You know, it's just crazy time. And I hung out with the craziest people I could find. And anyway, we would go into New York City every weekend practically to see a concert. I'm telling you, we saw some of the great bands. We saw Led Zeppelin, and we saw Pink Floyd. I mean, we would go into the city and just have an amazing time sometimes, the ones I remember at least. So we went into this city this one time. We all piled in a van and went into the City this one time. And I think it was Foghat Wishbone Ash was the concert, right? And it was at one of the big theaters in New York City. and I, and listen, I'm the kind of guy who drinks to go get drunk. You know what I mean? Like if we're going to go drinking, I's going to start drinking before you. And so, so I'm good and drunk by the time we get to New York City as well as some of my friends are, right? And we're sitting down and the music is playing and my buddy comes back from the bathroom. John comes back from the bathroom and he goes, hey man, they're selling LSD in the bathroom, man. You want to buy some LSD? Do some LHD? And I'm like, sure. Yeah, let's do that. So we go into the bathroom and we buy LSD from these disreputable looking characters. And we go back and we sit down and we let like one song go by. And were like, are you high? No, I'm not high. We must got ripped off. Well, there's other people in there. Let's go back. Let' buy some more." And so we go back in the bathroom and we buy some LSD off some other people and we eat that. And then we go and we sit down and we let a couple more songs go by and we convince each other again, we must have gotten ripped off, let's go and try it one more time. So we go to back and we try it once more. Now if you know anything about LSD sometimes it it takes a half an hour, 45 minutes for it to hit you, right? So by the time it's toward the end of the show, we're like this. I mean, we are on the edge of sanity, right. Now, if you don't know what taking too much LSD is like, I'll explain it to you like this, how about having Disneyland injected into your eye with a turkey baster? That's what it's like. Like, it's just nuts. And so we're really, really freaked out. And finally the lights come on, you know, the show's over. And we're like, the shows over. Must stand up. Must walk out, you Know? And so, we're all like filing out, You know, and we all get in the van. And I curl up like in a fetal position because I'm just, I'm this close to just, you know, losing my mind. And now if you're in New York City and you're going back to New Jersey, what you have to do is you have to go through a tunnel, right? It's the Lincoln or the Holland Tunnel, right. So what it is is it's like eight lanes, six lanes, four lanes, two lanes, tunnel. and we're heading down toward the tunnel and somebody in the front of the van goes, hey man, we'll never fit. Right? So some of us start moving forward and we are looking out the window and he's right. It's a mouse hole. You know? We got to get out of here. So it took us 45 minutes to back out of the Lincoln Tunnel. It was really an unnerving experience. We had to take the bridge. But listen, things like that were happening to me, you know, weekend after week, you know, daily basis, like just crazy stuff like that. And you would think that I would recognize that quite possibly I'm not making good decisions in my life, right? No, that's not what I thought, you know, and if you mentioned it to me that maybe I was just being a little crazy, I'd say none of your business you know you know back off dude who are you talking to so so there was there was a delusion that was already firmly implanted in me that I could not see how much trouble I was in when I was in it and I recognize that with people who come into Alcoholics Anonymous there's one thing I'm absolutely sure of they're in more trouble than they think they are. You know, that's the one thing that's true of everybody that walks through the door. They're in more trouble than they think they are and we have to come to terms with that, you know, and we're talking about some of the revelatory things that we have to come into terms with within ourselves, you know, this weekend. We're going through some of this stuff. Now here's something I really, really believe and I don't, I'm not expecting you to believe it. I've just come to terms with this and i truly believe it and it's this i'm not responsible for any of that crap that happened when i was drinking now let me explain what i mean by that all right i was being driven by a hundred forms of fear self-consciousness delusion i was being driven by that i'm powerless over alcohol i don't have the power to to not drink and i don'T HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL IT WHEN I'M DRINKING AND I'M PREY TO THESE CHARACTER DEFECTS HOW COULD I HAVE DONE ANYTHING EXCEPT WHAT I DID SO SO SO THIS GUILT AND THIS SHAME AND THIS REMORSE THAT I brought into the rooms is misplaced. It's misplased. Now, here's the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous though. Although I don't believe I was responsible, I must be accountable. Alcoholics Anonymous tells me I need to be accountable for all this stuff. I need to come to terms with, yes, I caused damage. I must do the best I can to repair that damage. Yes, I screwed up relationships and I acted abysmally. And I need the best that I can do to make those things right. That's accountability. And I believe that I'm not responsible, but I need to be accountable. And that's just the way I believe today. because alcoholism was something that was bigger than me alcoholism had me you know what I mean I you know I now now Peter cut Peter covered this stuff in a great way I you know I love I love the way he brings the spirituality of of this this program you know right right to the forefront he talked about the fifth step now now I've reviewed my resentments. I've reviewed my fears. The fear, the evil and corroding thread, the fabric of my existence is shot through with it. It causes chains of circumstances that blow up my spot. You know this fear and what they're really talking about is they're talking about an overwhelming sense of anxiety. That's what they are talking about when they are talking about fear. They are talking about not feeling comfortable with ourselves and our environment, not feeling comfortable in a thousand different ways. Just wanting to avoid situations that I'm uncomfortable with. And how fear hurt me was fear kept me from being where I needed to be doing what I needed to be done. It just did it. And the fabric of my existence was shot through with it. It created the space in my life for all this misfortune and unmet, you know, ambition. There was things that I wanted to do. There was a type of person I wanted it to be. You know, this self-centered fear never let me, never let my own way to be able to do that stuff. That fear must be mastered. It must be mastered for us to really be what what God wants us to be and then and then the harms to others the the sex harms that's how Bill lays it out in this book uh uh it was it was awful the way I treated people and and it wasn't because I didn't care about them you know I you know I would fall in love with some woman and then completely destroy her life you know ladies I wasn't restraining order guy, but I was pretty close to that. You know what I mean? When I got involved with you, you know, I would swoop in, I'd dress well, you know, show up, you know, clean and nice and in five minutes there'd be cops and, you know, your, I didn't insult your mother, you know, it was just, you know, it just turned bad all the time. And it was very difficult for me to take ownership of the disaster, you know? Because it's inconvenient for all this stuff to be my fault. So I didn't think it was my fault! I thought it was your mother, you know or something, you now? And what it was, was I was creating this maelstrom of disaster in every single relationship that I was in, I need to look at this. I need to share this stuff with somebody. And then I need to become willing. I needs to become willing to have God remove all these things that I find objectionable, you know? Now when I first was exposed, you know, I did a fourth and a fifth step and then it was time for me to do my sixth and my seventh. And I did this back when really there was no real big book literacy in my area for the step work. You You know, I remember doing my first four step and my first fifth step and then really going about the business of, you know, dealing with my character defects. And like Peter was sharing, these character defects are bigger than me, okay? If I could have done better, I would have. And these character effects were all encompassing. But I saw that becoming willing to have God remove them and then asking God to remove them in two paragraphs and then moving on seemed irresponsible to me. Like, isn't there work I need to do? Isn't there like character defects for dummies that I have to read? You know, or something. Isn't There's some something that I need to do and and I've come to terms. I've Come to terms with it like this. I become willing to have God remove these defects of character and then in a state of humbleness, of in defeat, I go to God and I ask God to remove these defects of character because there's nothing else. There's nothing else. You know, why isn't there more in the big book on six and seven? Because there's nothing else! Now I need to become willing to be accountable, like I was talking about before. I need to put a list of people and institutions together that I have harmed. And I need the power to do that. I need them to become willing to make amends to those individuals and those institutions. That's my next step. I move out of that prayer. God, take all of me, good and bad. i move out of that prayer into a list that's the that's how the program lays out and i put it into the list now now why why there's one story that that i tell a lot and it really it really emphasizes the reason you know why the next step is accountability after giving all this stuff to God, now I'm accountable. And this story is, I'll tell it now. We just lost this individual about six months ago to cancer, unfortunately. What a great guy he was. But this is like 1994 in New Jersey. And I've gone through the steps and now I am starting to sponsor a bunch of lunatics. And there was this guy that showed up in the meeting. And we didn't know who he was for a while he was so shot he couldn't talk but he was showing up in the meetings right you know they'd go around the room my name's my name is so-and-so my name so- and-so he'd just go you know I mean he was literally so shot out he was rendered mute for a long time and you know I came to find out later he had a Percocet addiction and with alcohol that was like you know it could have killed three elephants what this guy was taking but anyway he came he came in he came in so shot out and uh when he first started to to to talk uh he came up and asked me to sponsor him and you know i did uh because i was sponsoring the lunatics then and uh and you Know I'm I'm working with him and You know slowly bringing over my house sitting down with the book Alcoholics Anonymous, going through the book, you know, where there's an instruction, you Know, explaining the instruction to him and making sure he's clear on that and having him go. That's the assignment. Go out and do that instruction. And, you know, he's going through this steps and he gets through a bunch of this steps. And we would go to meetings together. The 90s were a great time for fellowship. You know, people in here that were in AA in the 90s know what I mean. It was a time of fellowshipping, you know? We'd all go to meetings in a car together and there'd be sober softball and everybody'd go to the diner, you Know, and we were all dating each other and marrying each other, and going to each other's funerals and weddings. I mean, it was fellowship, right? And so I'm driving to a meeting with him one time and we stopped, we stopped at a convenience store to get some coffee because we knew who was making the coffee. And so we're walking out of the convenience store with a coffee and I see him do this really quick. You know, they had a rack of cigarettes up front by the cash register. He got one and we're out the door before I really realized what I just saw. And I go, wait a minute. I go did you just steal a pack of cigarettes? And he goes no. I go wait a moment. Let me rephrase that. Did you grab a pack of cigarettes as we were going out the door without paying for them? And he says yeah. I go well how's that not stealing? He goes dude it was the rack in front. I go, what do you mean by that? He goes, you're a chump if you don't take those. The hell they budget for that stuff, right? And I'm like, wait a minute, wait, wait. Sponsor summit, sponsor summit, you know? And listen, he was motivated and he was trusting in me and he wasn't just saying, he was following direction. He was willing to go to any lengths, this guy. So after some discussions, what he did was he put down a list of all the stores that he's stolen from like that, and he was doing okay. Believe it or not, he wasdoing okay at that period of time. He had a big mason contracting business, so a lot of money was going through his hands. So he took out these legal envelopes, andhe filled about 20 or 30 of them with money, like real money. And he went around to each of these stores thathe could remember stealing at, and he would go up to the manager, you know, my name is Sozo, you know, I stole from you. You know, I'm an alcoholic. I can't, for me to be able to overcome drinking, I got to straighten out my pants and I don't need to pay you back. And here's the envelope. And he did that at 20 or 30 stores. Now, the question I would ask is do you think he steals cigarettes anymore? You know there is a synergy within step eight and nine that works with steps six and seven. And it's about our becoming accountable for our behavior. There's what God does and God removes and God relieves and God changes, but that doesn't mean we don't have some accountability and some action that we need to take as we move through these 12 steps. And the action that's indicated for us is to become willing to make amends for where our character defects have caused harm, and then actually go out and make aments for where are character defects of course time. If there's any change I could make in Alcoholics Anonymous, if I was given an opportunity to improve anything, I would put the word actually in front of the ninth step. Because I was in meetings until the cows came home. I was 12 and 12 meetings my first 10 years. There were no real big book meetings. It was all 12 and twelve meetings. And I can't tell you how many people shared on amends. And if you had experience actually making amends, you knew it was just fluff that you were hearing. You know? Like, I've had a change of heart. Well, have you actually made direct amends? Well, not in, not, you know, only in theory. You know, I was told I didn't need to make these amends by a sponsor who didn't make his amends. So, okay, that's fine. But, you Know, listen, I'm for anything and everything in Alcoholics Anonymous, I am. But if you're in real trouble from alcoholism, you might really need to do this. You know, for survival, you Might really need To do this and I've sponsored guys. I've Sponsored guys who until they got through their amends They couldn't be released from alcohol. So it depends On how sick you are with this alcoholism thing. so you know my personal experience with amends um i've done a number of them uh most of most of my most of my serious amends were taken care of back in the 90s that was like you know the states and the police and all the money and all that stuff most most of the big ones but that doesn't mean i haven't i haven'T stopped making amends you know there's a there's in i'm jumping ahead but there's in the tenth step, we need to be awake and present to opportunities for amends as we go through our day. We, you know, that's how we really, really should try to live. The tenth step is pretty clear on all that, but I've got a couple of amends, and I'm going to share those, and then it'll be time to eat. Now, so I got married 12 years ago. We just had our wedding anniversary, and that story is really cool. This was somebody I was really close to in the 70s, and she was somebody, I took in to see Led Zeppelin, and Yes, and The Grateful Dead, and Charlie Daniels, all these great concerts, right? She was 15, and I was 19, so there just wasn't any hanky-panky, you know, that, you just wouldn't do that, but we were really good friend. She was a freshman in high school and I was a senior that had stayed back and we just became really good friends. And, you know, I adored this girl. She's the cutest damn thing, you know? And I just loved having her around. And I always had a girlfriend. She always had a boyfriend and that was as it was, but we were really, really close. Now what happened was I went off to college. I'm still, you Know, I went to college for three and a half years in South Florida, and I'm still really proud of the six credits I got. Now, I went off to college, and she moved, and that was back before any way of keeping track of somebody. You know, you couldn't find somebody if they moved back then. You'd have to call, you'd have to look through 25 phone books, you know, just in New Jersey to try to find somebody. So we disappeared from each other's lives for about 30 years. Facebook pops up, right? And all of a sudden I see on Facebook, Andrea, Andrea Stancotti. Oh my God, I've been looking for her for 30 years. So I send this little message to her and she says, oh my God how are you doing? I thought you were dead. Because she really did, she thought I was dead, she knew how I drank. And I go no everything's cool, we get together for coffee about two weeks later and within a month we're living together because that's what alcoholics do, right? She had a house that she was renting, and every single time I went up there, I was bringing more stuff. And finally she says, do you live here now? You know, like, I guess. But it was so organic, and it was like hanging with a best friend. And we ended up getting married about a year later, and I can't tell you how happy I am. But, you know, living with an alcoholic is not easy. Okay? Even an alcoholic with 30 years of practicing these principles, we are not easy, we are a lot. You know what I mean? We are a Lot. And it comes to me in meditation that I need to make, I need to just do a general amends with her. It's been about five years since we've really had any serious talk about my faults or my mistakes or, you know, the harms that I've caused. So I sat down with her and I had a few things, you Know, that I shared with her. Understand, I didn't even think I needed to do this because it was my wife, right? Like we're together all day long, all the time. Well, it didn't, you Now, it wasn't something that I intellectually thought I needed to do, but it was something that came out of spirit and meditation. And I sat down, and I did that amends, and she says, I've never felt closer to you than now. Thank you so much. You don't know how you needed to do that. Because we're a lot. You know what I mean? So that's a current amends that happened not long ago. Here's another one. I was running buddies with this guy for about 10 years, from about 2000 to about 2010. He was a running buddy, and I got him involved in every debacle, every AA debacle I could think of. And we'd just run around. You know, I'd call him up and I'd say, hey, we're doing a radio show. You're going to be my assistant DJ. And he'd go, yeah. You know? We're going start a business. Yeah. He was like one of those guys, right? He was always in for it. And one day he stopped returning my calls. You know. He stopped returning My Calls. And for a couple of years, because we were like this, right? For a couple years, you know, I continued to reach out to him. And finally, I just kind of gave up thinking he would, you know, something was going on and he just didn't want to be hanging anymore, you know? And then it came to me in meditation one time that I need to sit with them. I need to sit WITH them and I need TO get clear. I need To get current and I NEED TO get CLEAR with them and I asked him for an appointment. and I said, it's going to be a night stab. And he said, yeah, meet me at the Dunkin' Donuts in Dover. So I meet him at the Duncan Donuts and Dover now. I had a few things, you know, like like on my amends list that I figured I'd fallen short with. But it was the question I asked afterward, you know. Is there any other harms I'm not clear on? Is there any other way I hurt you that I have not mentioned? and he said yeah he goes you blew up the AA group that I was leading he goes you you moved a whole bunch of people into into the building you know when when we weren't there and I go what I go no I didn't yeah you know because because it wasn't me what had happened was he was leading an AA group and it you know it had gotten small three four or five people and some other group down the street thought that it was closed talked to the pastor and he came to do his AA group and all of a sudden there was 30 people in there and it's a whole new group and he thought I did it and I said I had honest to God I had nothing to do with it and so there was a misperception there was an miscommunication and he believed me because it was true what i said and we're we're now back like this he comes over he comes over at christmas he comesover at easter he's part of our family again now this is another thing intellectually i didn't do any harm but there was something wrong with the relationship you know i had to i hadto come to terms with that i hadtotaketheaction to sit down and get current with this individual, and I'm so glad that I did. And it is noon, so let's all meet back here about 1 o'clock. What do you say? Thanks.