Peter M and Chris S – May 2022 Workshop – Part 2 of 7 – 2022 – Chris S.

Okay. My name is Peter, Recovered Alcoholic. Grateful to be alive and sober and part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous and thank Chris for sharing. I love his rendition of the newcomers at an AA meeting and I love the voice as you do. Last night it was about steps one and two, and Chris kind of went through three and four just now. And the thing that I've learned as most of my lessons the hard way was what I referred to last night, one of the most important lines in my book, in our big book for me is we had to quit playing God it didn't work. And we will see, I get to see as I move through this work all the times I try to play God and how self centered I am and I operate out of that. And I just want to share a quick story to get going here that I heard a while ago, and I've shared this many times. For me it was very profound and a fun story and it was told to me by, believe it or not, my priest. We talk about we're not in the results business and yet I insist on being in the result's business. And I usually run into conflict with people. And it was about this guy who was laying on his couch day in and day out, kind of like we did when there was lockdown and just watching Netflix for days and days and I'm still trying to work off my COVID belly here. But this guy was just lying on the couch day-in and day-out and going nowhere, doing nothing. And one day he woke up and the Lord's in front of him and the Lord says to him, what are you doing? And the guy drops to his knees, I can't believe you're in my house And God tells him, I have a task for you. He says, I'll do anything for you, God. He says starting tomorrow morning, I want you to do something. I'm going to place a big boulder in front of your doorway. He said, I Want you to push the boulder, push this big rock. That's what I want You to do. He said I'll Do it. And so the next morning the guy wakes up and he puts on his sneakers and he opens up the door and there's this huge rock in front of his doorway and he follows the Lord's direction. He starts to push The Rock from sunup to sundown. next morning he wakes up in the rock stand and he does it again for 90 days sun up to sun down, he's trying to push he's pushing his boulder and on the 91st day he wakes up and Satan's standing in front of him and he says what are you doing he says well Satan the Lord told me to push this rock, he said you're going to listen to the Lord, what's wrong with you the Lord is cruel, he says joke you've been pushing this thing for 90 days and it hasn't moved an inch, why are you listening to God. Listen to me, just relax on the couches, you're right. On the 91st day, 92nd day the Lord appears to him and he says what are you doing? Satan was true, what he told me, he says you told me to push this rock I've been doing it from sunup to sundown for 90 days. I've been pushing and pushing and the rock hasn't moved an inch and the Lord replies to him, he said I told you to push the rock I didn't tell you to move the rock. That's my job. He said, for the last 90 days, you've been waking up early and working from sunup to sundown. You've been giving purpose and direction. You've be talking to me all day long. We're in communication. We have dialogue going on. And you've gotten a whole lot better shape. Can't you see the change that's happened? I will move it when I see fit. And a lot of the things I need to go through is, I put in an honest effort and then I want the results to go my way. And some of the greatest lessons I've had are when things didn't go my way. And some of them never worked out my way, but what it did, what it allowed me to do is have total trust and faith and dependence upon God for the effort I'm putting in. In fact, he's the one who inspires me to have effort. And often when things didn't go my way, there was great lessons learned in adversity. where the tools get sharper, my dependence is upon God. See, it's really easy for me to want things to go my way. They go myway. It's a less need for God. There's an interesting line in our big book when it says it's talking about fear. It said emotion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune which we felt we didn't deserve. How could this happen to me? And I don't look at the fact that I'm operating out of fear and what drives fear is me, is self. So I operate out of fear, so instead of being in love, I start stalking. Any alcoholic knows that. I operate out of fear, so I have to tell you how important I am so you like me. And it goes on and on and on, and people start to separate from me, and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. And all of that, like all of my drama, all of my trauma, all of my resentments, all of my fear, all the self is living in this warehouse called the head which produces anxiety. That's all it does. That's where fear comes from, where self and ego and pride and the seven deadly sins, they all live up in here. And all it Does is bring me misfortune, which me my self-centered Peter says I don't deserve this. And I remember my old sponsor pointing something out to me. When I go from living in the mind to living in the soul and operating out of the soul, I take that same statement and it's God brought me fortune which I felt I didn't deserve and the fortune is good things that happen to us like the group wants you to be a chairperson the group want you to Be a coffee maker, the group voted for GSR, she or he says I love you, my wife just gave birth to a kid. I just got a promotion and we go, I can't believe this is happening to me. I used to live this way and all this abundance is happening to me now. That's called gratitude because it's not coming from the mind. It's coming from the soul. In fact, some of us, and I'm one of them, have had some difficult times, some real misfortune that just happened out there. The boss laid you off, she said I found somebody else can't make the bills, all the bills are in a reel oh my god I don't have the money to pay for it. That's unfortunate stuff that happens to us. But what it's replaced is not with more doom and gloom. What it's placed with is an undercurrent of I don' t know how I'm going to get through this but I'm going to do it. I don''t know when it's going to happen I just know if I keep chopping wood and carrying wood, I'm going to be okay. I may not get all the things I want right now, but I'm gonna be okay, I'm not gonna drown, I'm Gonna Be Buoyant to get to the next buoy, I'm Going To Be Okay. And what the work does, this book, it's not aimed at the mind, that's called self-help, that's call therapy. What the book is aimed at is the soul in order to wake up the soul so I start to operate out of that. Because the greatest enemy I will ever face is a four-letter word called the mind. Why we tell new people in AA, bring the mind and the body will follow, baffles me still. We hear that a lot. Bring the body and the mind will follow. Why do I want anyone's mind, including mine, showing up anywhere, anytime? It is the troublemaker. because out of the mind manifests selfishness, self-centered, self seeking, self absorbed pride, ego, envy, sloth, lust, greed all of it and yet I try to figure out stuff with the same broken instrument that created the problem in the first place. The very same mind that convinces me it's going to fill the hole is the very same mine that keeps digging the hole and what my mind does it creates a problem. I'm kind of sitting on the couch having a cup of coffee and I'm looking around saying, oh my God, I live in South Florida. There's palm trees. There's the beach. It's beautiful to look at. The weather is 85 degrees. I have a good job. I Have a great relationship. My health is good. The money's good. Everything's good this is so good. Oh my God. This is good and the mind says yeah, but you know, you're going to be 63 in July you got a lot more road behind you than in front of you and suddenly it's not good. Now I gotta go camping, fishing, snorkeling, hiking gotta be rich. I haven't done enough, I need to do more. I need to go back to school, I need to be a doctor. I need to find a cure for some disease now. AA hasn't built a monument in front of my home group yet, something's wrong. And I go from bliss to doom in about two minutes that's what the mind does. It creates a problem. Now I have this problem. Uh-oh. Now the mind gets in again and says, I have a solution for you. Quit your job. And it gets worse. And now I'm listening to this dialogue all day long. Now when I walk into home group that night, I have to do pretending. How are you doing, Pete? I'm wonderful. and I give you that sponsor voice I prayed and meditated the voice gets low when we get really spiritual but if you saw me in my house and on the drive over to home group I look like one of the guys Chris was describing with 30 Days Back I'm Looney Tunes I have no idea what's going on and I'm angry I wound up tied into Major League Baseball and I can feel it and the mind keeps presenting solutions we often say I'm one of them I'm in my head oh I've been in my head too long as if I had a choice to go in and out I'm having all these thoughts I got these thoughts i have these thoughts you got these really bad thoughts i don't know sponsor i got these starts it's the biggest lie it's the biggest setup it's The Biggest Trickster orchestrated by this satan-like thing called of mind. Because I don't have thoughts, they have me. I don'T volunteer to go in my head, it seduces me to go in. The analogy I love to use is if I bought a shirt at the mall and I got it home and I didn't like the shirt, I can exchange it. I can throw it in the garbage. I can wash my car with it. I can give it to someone. It's my shirt. I pay for it. It's my shirt I can do whatever I want with that shirt. But if they're my thoughts, why am I stuck with them? what happens is the thoughts get in and then they take me wherever they want to go and I can't get out because I'm anemic in the God department so it owns me and depending on where I am spiritually will depend on what I do with these thoughts spiritually fit people, when we talk to them they have thoughts, they get hooked every once in a while but they're not going on the ride they see them, you can hear them coming and they're the first ones to say I got hooked yesterday I need to share an inventory with you but overall when you look at the snapshot they're not up there they're operating out of here conversely someone who's not working with the spiritual getting spiritual muscles constantly being hijacked because when you sit to them how are you? and here it comes it's a whole monologue of stuff and it's like watching a ball in a pinball machine we're going to a relationship, we're gonna go into money, we go into a job back to the relationship, now we got the kids, got the in-laws and you're like I need a Valium just to talk to this person so it's this mind that is really the problem and it overrides everything what I need to be careful about out is, am I listening to the guidance of the mind? Am I following the mind or am I listening to God? Because I can easily fall into a part of me that thinks it's God. That's the mind and follow that because that's what the mind wants, domain over everything. It wants to rule. It wants the conquer and it's done a great job. I landed in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's how powerful this thing was. I remember I was speaking at a conference in Minnesota many years ago it's a large conference, they get about 7 to 10,000 people at this thing and I was a Saturday night speaker so the room was packed and I get done in the thank you line which you don't see a lot anymore in AA because when the meeting is over we go into the park and not leave the speakers alone back in the day you were taught you wait in line, thank the speaker for their service And that's what these people were practicing. There was a lot of people in line saying, thank you for sharing. Thank you for your service. And it was wonderful. And it Was a while before that line kind of faded out. I went into the lobby and a bunch of us were going to go for dinner after the meeting. And as I'm walking towards the doorway and about to cross the threshold outside, I hear, hey Pete, from the back of the lobby. And I turn around, some guy waves me over. and I really don't like when people do this you know, I should have known that that was going to be not a good conversation. And what he said to me was referring to my talk, he says, that was interesting that's AA code for it sucked and he says I never heard New Age AA before and I immediately found myself trying to defend the talk we went for dinner the next day was Sunday got on a plane and went home and I took that guy home with me of all those people my mind locked into that one guy who didn't think too highly of my talk and it was a few weeks thinking how I can get back in the saddle, get there next year and change the entire talk to satisfy one person we do this all the time, I do it all the time I get hooked like that That's how powerful this predator called the mind is And so what this walk for me Is a soulful walk And I need to get soul food on this journey But my mind will be attached to people Places and things all day long My mind will take wants And get them dressed up as needs I want a new car I need a new card I want promotion I need promotion I want a relationship I need a relationship now I'm in the hunt to meet with anyone so I go out with an orangutan and then complain to you how it didn't work out wants get dressed up as needs so what we're about to do and I just want to flush out a couple of things and get into 5, 6, and 7 in step 3 as we know and I'm not trying to step on Chris at all he did a wonderful job but our step 3 is on the bottom of page 62 to the top of 63. That's the third step consideration, and it's got some pretty cool stuff in here. It says how, this is the how and why we first had to quit playing God. It didn't work. If I am not in a place of willing to not play God anymore, then stop right there. That's what I was instructed. How can I do the rest of the steps if I still want to play God? The old joke about the alcoholic who goes to heaven, and the first thing God has to tell the alcoholic when he sees him is, you're sitting in my chair. And the reason why I need to play God is because I need to control everything. Outwardly and inwardly, I'm in control mode. And the reason why I'm in control mode because I'm afraid of my life, afraid for my life. I'm going to get hurt. I am going to look bad. I am not going to get what I want. I not going to get what I need. So I need to control. If I can control, I will be safe and protected. And I find a delusional thought of trying to control and that somehow I think I have control over it. I did it with alcohol and non-conference approved dry goods. Try to regulate and control my using and drinking. And all I did was get worse. It says we decided hereafter in his drama of life, God was going to be my director. My brother's an actor, so I know a little bit about this. The director is the boss on a movie set. I need more lights, I need less lights. I need the actor to do this, I needs the actress to do that. I need this kind of setting, I needed this kind of scene, and it goes on and on. They follow what the director says to do because he has a vision for them. He has a vison for the film. God has a vison for me, a vision for my life, but I insist on not listening because I'm better than God. I'm bigger than God, I am God. He's the principal, we're his agents. This is an interesting language. An agent represents the principal. Celebrities and athletes have agents. Those agents represent that celebrity or actor or athlete. My book is telling me here that we're about to go out and represent God wherever we go, not just in an AA meeting. This is easy. When I'm in the grocery store, when I'm stuck in traffic or when adversity hits we really get to know where we are spiritually. My sponsor would say when there's no money in the pocket and little food in the cupboard then we know who you are. He's the father. We're his children. Now most good ideas are simple and this concept or idea was the keystone of the new and triumphant arc to which we pass to freedom. When I took this position, he's the father, I'm the child. He's the principal, I're the agent. For me, I misspoke in a really big wheel, but my mind wants to be the wheel. All sorts of remarkable things followed. I had a new employer, and being all-powerful, he's going to provide me with what I need if I keep close to him and perform his work well. Now, it's as if a promise or a warning, depending on where we are. It's not that God's not looking to reward me. The thing is, I'm just not listening. I'm not following. God's preparing a banquet for me and I'm in the wrong room. So how can I experience God? How can I get any of what God is giving me? And if I'm truly awake, I will understand that sometimes adversity is going to happen. Even when I'm firing on all cylinders, adversity happens. It's life, the ebb and flow of life, and I will get enough to navigate through that and probably come out better for it. And how do I perform God's work well? It's a great question to ask a sponsor. What are they talking about? I can start off with what Chris talked about. I'm going to get there early and stay late, even at my own job. And what can I be of service? How can I Be of Service to someone? It's not my home group, so does that mean I walk in when I want and leave when I want? No, I'm going to get there early and ask someone, can I help you with chairs? Can I put some books out? Or what I love is stand by the door and wait for the white chippers to come in. Because you can spot them. And sometimes you see them wavering, should I go in or not on their first meeting? And they're hanging out and they're pretending they're on the phone because they've got business to take care of. And they are going to kind of like nonchalant in the meeting. I know what's going on. So I'll go over and extend the hand. I'm performing God's work well. Maybe I'm in the grocery store. Instead of complaining the line's too long, I could be grateful I have money in my pocket to buy groceries. Or my little thing is feeding homeless. I got a hundred bucks in my packet as a homeless person so I cross the street. No. I can take a five or a ten dollar bill out. It's not going to break the bank. Thank you God. I don't know what they're going to do with it, but that's God's kid too. Or am I only loving and talented in AA because people are watching? How am I when no one's around? See, that's performing God's work well. But I can get so engrossed in the book, and this is not a knock on the book. I love this book. I love the mechanics. But I Can Get So Engrossd in This that I go to workshop after workshop after workshop after workshops, listen to 10,000 CDs a week. I know how to do a fourth column like no one in the world. but there's a homeless person and I walk right by them or I'm in the parking lot after home group and I see Joe who needs a charge on his battery because of the cars that I pretend I don't see him because the Monday night football is on and I've got to get home to watch my team I'm failing miserably I'm an AA book, big book lawyer but I'm not going to do it but I am failing to live spiritually it says if we keep close to him performers work well i don't have to get close to be close to god what it is is an aha and i'm speaking from my experience an aha to realization a moment of clarity oh my god it's god there's no proximity when it comes to us in this power when i was living in an abandoned building i had just as much god in me then as i do as i'm speaking to you here now, whether that's a lot or a little, it's the same. There's no proximity. I can't get close to God as if I'm going to walk close to the God. If I do enough step work, God will say, okay, you can come in now. God loved me when I was a sinner and God loves me when I'm trying to do good, the same amount. There is no proximity, I've heard people say you got to get close. I don't understand that language. Like I know how to get close to God, I, me, a drunk from Brooklyn, New York suddenly has this insight on how I can get close to God if I do this book perfect. It's a guide to get me to God till I wake up and go, oh my God, it's God. He's been with me the whole time. What about people who would just go to religious services and never did the book? I mean, they're not close to God. You're telling me a sinner doesn't have a chance to wake up to God? When I say get close to God. It's not the walk, it's just the awakening. If I'm in AA a long time, does that mean I'm closer to God? I'm rubbing shoulders and a newcomer isn't? It's a different kind of God we're talking about then. I'm on a different footing and less and less I'm interested in me and more and more in you. it's a shift from page 62 to 63 already it says I felt new power flow in thank God because chapter 2 agnostics told me I don't have power and that's my favorite line in the whole book lack of power is my dilemma with power no dilemma so I'm out, there's a vacuum and I'm starting to experience this new power flowing in something's happening even if I can't put my finger on it something's shifting here it says we enjoy peace of mind I just finished talking about 10 minutes on this predator called the mind how can I have peace of mine when it never ever ever brings me peace there's a shift that's happening because what's beginning to happen, I'm operating if not here at some point this is my experience, I've been operating out of the soul when I'm operating out ofthe soul there is no before and there is not later on I am here with you I would love to report to you on that way 7 days a week, 24 hours a day I'm not. I'm broken and flawed. That's my condition. But the snapshot is a lot better. And so I'm operating out of the soul. I'm hearing and seeing and speaking out of the soul, and that makes its way up to here where there's no problems on the horizon. So I'm sitting on my couch and going, oh my God, I can't believe I live in South Florida. I can'T believe I have this great job. I can't believe I have this wonderful relationship. I can't be I'm not worried about paying the rent this month. Thank you God and I leave it alone. I want to tell people about it. It's a different different point of view on life. I began to lose my fear today tomorrow hereafter we were reborn. Reborn in spirit. Unless a man be born again, he can't see the kingdom. So what Bill is telling me now, although I can't pop into mama and do it all over again, I get reborn in spirit made new from the inside out so that you get a guy like me and doing what I was doing and living the way I was living and suddenly I get to live a respectful life with some integrity, help people caring about people and that's a huge shift. Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't make any sense if we think about it. According to my mind AA should not work on a logical spreadsheet called logical. Spock from Star Trek would blow his mind. This cannot work AA doesn't make sense if we think about it at least from my point of view how do folks like us based on what we've done with our life and infected so many come in, we sober up we follow the instructions in this book we get right with God we go back and make restitution and now people trust and depend upon us and we walk head up and shoulders square it makes no sense we become pillars of our community we run companies we raise families this is impossible it doesn't makes sense and we're operating out of a place of how can I help others and I'm always batting second in the batting order. It doesn't make sense but in the spiritual dimension it makes perfect sense and it's difficult to practice with the climate out there right now where it's always about me. There's a basketball coach, Pat Riley, he used to call it the disease of me back in the 80s. We're seeing it now. You go on Facebook and you got one day back and a snapshot doing my fifth step and they're doing selfies, I'm wondering where's the sponsor? I got 30 days back. I'm going into rehab. I don't care. See me when you get 10 years and you're a productive member of society then I'll have a conversation with you. So I do this four-step inventory which is about going in and taking a look at where I was at fault, not blaming others even for bad things that people had done for us. There was this guy I refer to him as a distant relative around ages 8 to 10 would take me in the basement and he was inappropriate with me and I had this horrible secret and I remember writing a fourth step and it got to the fourth column where I'm at fault what am I at fault? I was 8 years old this guy was a 30 year old man, what am I supposed to do with this and if anyone's been in that situation you're threatened it's ugly what am I at thought because the book says out of disregard the other person did entirely and I call my sponsor and he was into mechanics but he wasn't attached to mechanics and he said to me how long have you been hating this man and I said to him, if I saw him on a street corner I'd beat him to death he's just put down hate, move on don't worry about self-design, self-seeking we'll flush that out in five just put it down, I hate him and move on but if he was attached to mechanics, he would have let me sit in that all night until I came up with something that I didn't even believe to be true he's jut put down, hey, we'll move on so we have step five, I'll catch ya and he shared with me how we went through the same thing and through that suffering I got to experience healing in that part of my life because I'm able to talk about it not for shock value but every time I do that God says go talk about that and there's people in here who've had that men and women and my experience is the ladies bless your hearts or seem to talk about that more freely with each other guys we don't want to talk abut that because someone might think less of us in our manhood. Never happened to me, you know. I got an image to protect. Almost, almost every man I've sponsored has experienced that. It's a secret guys don't want to talk about, you now. And I got to get free of that. So I have this fourth step and now we, I'm supposed to cover, I try to move here in 5, 6, and 7 and this is what my book says. Into action. As Joe and Charlie would say, not in tune, make 90 meetings in 90 days. It says, having made this personal inventory, what shall we do about it? So I have step four, what am I going to do about It? It tells me a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. It also tells me if I skip this vital step, I may not overcome drinking. That's a clear cut warning. The old timers would say do a fifth or drink one. I've been trying to get a new attitude with my creator. So if you're like me and I came in here, I was a little suspect of God. I was waiting for him to drop me at any minute and it wasn't tangible yet. I couldn't grasp it. And I would look at worldly clamors still. So I needed a new attitude towards this God. Now, this is also great if I'm going through the work many times, I can use an inattitude adjustment. I can fix up some things, some holes in the armor with this God There's always room for improvement and a new relationship with God. When I first got in here, it was a group of drunks for good old direction. I need something newer. See, I look at it this way. Sometimes they come out with a new iPhone and this one promises to drive your car and do your laundry and you go outside of one of these places that sell phones and there's a line down the block because it just hit the market, I gotta have this new phone what's wrong with the old one? I'm bored with it, I want something new I remember when I was a kid growing up you're looking at the remote control on the TV my dad would say change the channel then remote controls came out, you had to get one I'm always looking to improve stuff I have a car that runs fine the new ones hit the market I need a new I need a new car but I really don't when it comes to my new attitude towards God why wouldn't I want a new one or a new relationship why wouldn'T I want to improve with that I've admitted certain defects ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is I put my finger on the weak items of my personal inventory. These are about to be cast out. It would be interesting if, you know, I was sitting with a therapist and I said to a therapist, no knock-on therapist, just an analogy, and my doctor says, here's all my demons, here's All My Defects, here's My Selfishness and Self-Sentience. Can you cast them out? In Alcoholics Anonymous, we show up to a sponsor's house and we have on paper all our stuff and we go before God and say God can you cast them out because he is it says they're about to be cast out how much are going to be casting out and how long it's going to take, that's his job that's His business but I'm going to show up about to be flushed out of all the things that have been killing me and infecting others lives because god's always beyond my cleverest plans he's god and what four through nine is going to do is crush the ego it's going to bring death to every identity that does not come from god because if you're like me i walked in here with a lot of false identities the ideas attitudes and emotions about everything about me about life about people on how this should look and It's not working out, and I'm about to get new stuff put in, a point of view looking with God's eyes, if you will. And so I remember my first fifth step, and I completed the fourth step. I had a spiral notebook, and I did it really at one point. It got to a point, I should say, where I really believed my life was hinging on what I put in this book. And there were things in the sex inventory I really did not want to put on paper because I know what's about to happen, step five. And so I had an appointment, my sponsor made an appointment with me to go to his house on a Saturday and we're going to do this fifth step. I'm happy to report to you up until the last fifth step I did and the last piece of nightly review I read just the other day, I'm still nervous. I'd rather not. but what I've identified the part of me that rather not is still the ego breathing because the soul is just knocking on the door saying I'm here or picking up the phone so I went to my sponsor's house and I remember that morning uh praying he got drunk so I couldn't have to do it he went on vacation forgot just something was going to get in the way of that and I got to his house and as I prayed and I Got to His House and He Opened the Door and I Rang the bell. And I went in and we sat down and he did for me, and I still do this now when I hear Fifth Steps, but he was doing this already. I didn't know it. Praying before I got there to stay detached so we can be objective because as a sponsor, I can go in and pull you out, but I can't get into your tornado and hang out because now I can't see clear. So for me, when a guy's coming over, I go into prayer and meditation. God has entrusted me, as our book says, with a life-and-death errand. Think about that. A fall-down drunk, God says, you're going to handle one of my kids on a life and death errand. I'm going to give you the endurance, the insight, the passion. I will inspire you, put you in spirit, give you inspiration. If you depend upon me, perform my work well right now. I'm gonna give you everything you need to hear this drunk walking in. This obnoxious self-centered knucklehead, you're going to help clean him up with me. So I pray the way my sponsor prayed. And the other thing we do when we hear a fist up, if you're like me as an alcoholic, I will say resentment Joe cause, let me explain what happened. And I tell you a whole story. I give you a Netflix miniseries on one resentment. So you go, I'd be pissed off too. So what we do is when we hear a fifth step is we stick to the book and some of the guys when they sue me kind of are taken back by that kind of approach and what I tell them is what was told to me. I want you to read only what's on paper no elaborating no explaining resentment cause effects where I'm at fault resentment cause effects when I'm at fault. That's what I want you to do, because I have to assume that God gave you that. And now what's going to get in the way is your ego as we start to talk and you're sitting in front of someone. See, admit it to God, to ourselves, that's not too hard to do. Because I may not even be in a relationship with God. Okay, I admit it's a God, that great. Myself, who cares? But another human being, now I got you in front me and you are listening and And what he has is what I do now as a notepad and pen in front of me because I'm taking some notes as you read. Certain things, some inspiration I may get. Some of the same stuff that's happening year after year after year. I have it on paper. That's crushing of the ego and I don't even know that's going on. The ego doesn't want to be involved in this process. But here we are. And so we begin as I did and I listened to others. They start to read, resentment, cause, effects are my fault. Now I might be moved to clean up that fourth column, sharpen it up. I might get some truth. Mark used to talk about a story the guy read, my dad was never home. What do you mean he was never home? He was never at home. He worked two jobs. That's a little different than never being home. So I have a story and as I start to wake up, that story starts to change because I'm starting to look in at the mess rather than out from the mess. I used to blame my dad for years because my dad is the alpha male, the tough guy from South Brooklyn. I often joke about my dad, if anyone's ever seen the movie Goodfellas, that Robert De Niro guy, I thought it was based on my dad. That's how he grew up. And I always imagined his hallmark heart of a fireplace burning, me sitting next to dad, him imparting some insightful wisdom upon me and saying hello son while he smoked a pipe and had a shirt and tie on. My dad was not that guy and I hated him for it. He didn't know about sports. He knew how to gamble about sports but he didn't knows sports.He didn't knew the Yankees batting order when I was growing up. He couldn't care if the Yankee's won or lost only if he bet on them and I really really was frustrated and angry with him. Then I got done with this work, and we lived life forward and understand it backwards. What else did my dad know? He was brought up in the streets at five years old. He was on his own. And the only people who took him in were a certain type of people. And he identified himself as a man being with them. He knew street code. We've all done the same thing. Hang out at the bar. That's where I get the real deal. Hangout on the street corner. My drug dealer is a respecting drug dealer. He would never lie to me. You hang out on the street corner, it's cold. You have to live. That's what he did. That's all he knew. School out the window never happened. He worked his whole life. My dad worked from the time he was a little guy. How could I fault him for that? If there was another way, I'm sure he would have taken it. And he provided for me and my mom and my brothers. We never wanted for much. Christmas time there were toys under the tree dinner time always food school time always new clothes and I want to find fault with them and I got to see things differently there was a shift our book talks about prepare to look at it from an entirely different angle it's a shift in consciousness you know when we hear the traffic report those people giving us the traffic report during rush hour are never in traffic with us they're always up in a helicopter seeing 95 don't take this exit take the streets because it's all bottleneck they can look down, they're looking at it from an entirely different angle what begins to happen to me while I'm writing a fourth step and certainly somewhere between 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 I get a shift I start to look at my life differently and I start to see that some people out there weren't mean to me, they were doing what they know how to do my dad didn't set out to make my life miserable he was doing the best he could and my mom who was an alcoholic and an addict, that's all she could do and I want to be angry with her and forgive me for being an alcoholic and an addict. The hypocrisy I walk with that has to be flushed out it's poison, it's plaque on the soul and I can have big book knowledge and pontificate to you and tell you how much inventory I write and I'm writing a lot of inventory and I want to tell people about it but I'm still walking around in here a little bit empty because my inventory in my big book has become my God but in actuality I don't have a God in my life in fact when I'm talking so passionately about the book am I doing it to convince myself that the book really works because I have no God in my life so I got to see a shift and so when I hear inventory at a fifth step we pray I'll read out of this book right up until where it says I don't want to screw this up we pocket our pride and go to it. I stop there, because now we're about to go into the fifth step. When we're done with the fifth step, it says once haven't taken a step, now I'm done with this step, we come out. So while they're reading to me, I might take some notes, and it'll sound something like this. I'll ask the guy to stop and say, hey, you started this inventory when you were 10 years old. resentment mom and dad and your brother and your schoolmates now we're 45 the people have changed the state has changed your age has changed but the same guy is operating do you see what's going on here from ages 10 to 45 it's the same character you're just older the drunk who says all I date is crazy women I meet these crazy women one's crazy to the next I can't believe it I said well maybe they are crazy but you keep picking them. You're the common denominator in all of this. Perhaps a shift has to happen in you and stop trying to figure out the next right one and so I keep taking notes and sometimes I'll stop them and ask them to explain what they're talking about. Sometimes I'll kind of tweak the fourth column it really depends what's in front of me but I'm really depending upon God. Now, a quick story of what happened to me once. I love to tell the story because it was really profound. I didn't realize how profound until it was over. There was a guy in Staten Island, New York sitting in the fifth step and I'm aging by the minute with this guy. I used to call him Joey Loopholes because he was always looking for a loophole. And it sound like this. Yeah, but let me explain. Well, doesn't a book say that? He was doing this and I'm in a cold sweat and after about an hour of this, he says, let's take a time out. And I'm in my dining room with this guy and there was a little bathroom on the side and I go in there and I've literally thrown cold water on my face and I am exhausted after one hour. This guy is killing me. And I get on the floor and I kneel and I said, Father I don't know what to do with this guy I want to throw him out of my house I don' t want to sponsor him, I don''t know what to say but I'm running into a wall I don ''t know wat to do, please help so I get up off my knees expecting inspiration, nothing now I tell that for a reason because if God would have said do this, I would have gotten a hold of that and made it mine and tweaked it I walk into the room, I sit down I take a deep breath and then it happened. God listened to my prayer and this is what I said to him. I can talk about it now, he gave me permission. His name is Carl. I says, Carl, all I want you to do is read your fourth column to me. And it was like the deer in the headlights looked like the AA police were going to come out and get me and him. He couldn't believe I just said only fourth column. Don't read column one, don't read volume two, don't reading column three, just read I was self dishonest of seeking and frightened and we began and he's reading Self-Descension Seeking Fright turn the page, next one Self-descension seeking fright, turn the page, about 10 pages into just doing this, I'm waiting for the AA police to bust through the doors of SWAT team all the big book lawyers, get them something indescribably wonderful happened I asked God for help and he delivered because somewhere in there you know when you have a young man in front of you and they're counting days. And they're there, but they haven't arrived yet. And then one day you walk into group and you look in the eyes and the eyes are on. They're here. I see it in my business all the time. Guys come in from a detox and they sit there for 30 days and 60 days and they dead there physically. And them wait one day, you walk in and bang, they're in front of you. The light in the eye is around. The soul is starting to get traction while sitting in front a call it was as if someone turned on a spotlight inside of this guy because his I realized how his big blue eyes everything shifted for this guy it was als if he was split wide open or like the fist of Gulliver got down there and ripped out what was in he was so attached to so many things and a simple consideration and we finished that fifth step this guy's never been the same he was running around Staten Island now with a big book under his arm sponsoring guys anyone who was available you sponsor and a lot of the stuff he came to the fourth step with have gone the stuff it's really unbelievable what happened so it's important that I'm a good that I am hearing but I'm also listening I need to listen to what they're not telling me too because it is a life and death there no one's going to do this perfect. It's not about that. But God gave me a job to do. So I finished my fifth step and when I first got here I was 1 through 9, it's 10, 11 and 12 forever. That's how I was brought up in my first few years in AA. And about 8 years of that, that wasn't working anymore. God has disciplined me to the spiritual life and I was writing nightly inventory and going to meetings and sponsoring all the things he asked me to do, but bedevilment started to creep in. And I was starting to listen to my mind, which meant I was beginning to have some fear and agnosticism and self-reliance and unmanageability. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm stuck in this. But my ego has also reemerged a little bit. I'm afraid to tell someone. I am not in the saddle. I kind of like falling out. I really am not sure what to do. And there was a Fellowship of the Spirit happening in Queens, New York. And there was what was about to be my new sponsor was speaking and he talked about going through the steps annually and he was very, very rigid. Maybe too rigid for many but he was very rigid and a very, very excitable, passionate man about this work and I told him what I was going through and I says can you sponsor me? And we began going through the work again. For me, it was the second time. And again, I thought the AA police were going to come out and get me. And it was The Most Profound Experience I Had. I remember I did a third step with him, and I felt like I was levitating and going through some things and taking a look at a new fourth step. Not rewriting the old fourth step, but what kind of got hanging around? The dust in the room, if you will. You know, you can clean your house, and 20 minutes later, there's dust again. And if you don't clean for another six months, there is a lot more dust. And then it's just dirty. But I don't see it because I live there. Someone visits the house, it's pretty dirty. So I need to do this annual house clean. That's what I experienced. The little plaque that was forming on the soul and how I was listening and leaning into a wind that wasn't blowing a lot. I did four through nine with Mark. So I finished this fifth step. And it's really interesting. The first time I did a fifth step, I was so relieved. There were no fifth step promises yet. I just felt relieved. I also felt like I was that team I wanted to be on. I finally got on the team. I can measure up to the other guys in the club. I did A Fifth Step. This incredible fifth step promise is in our book. It says when we return home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. And I want to read it to you if I can find the page. Here we go. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. That doesn't mean I'm on Facebook telling everyone I'm going into the quiet hour. Or texting people, I'm with God right now. No headphones. I can't listen to Snoop Dogg and be spiritual at the same time. It doesn't work. So it's quiet. I'm communing with God during that hour of quiet time. I take this book down from the shelf and I turn to page 59, which has the 12 steps. And I take a look at, am I still clear on one? Two, three? Have I been thorough in four? Am I still willing to go to any lengths? Have I skipped, sneaked something through the archway? You know, the things that take you to the grave stuff. Not perfect. But have I been thoroughly, which is Bill's asking these questions over and over and over again before we go into six. I thank God from the bottom of my heart that I know him better. I carefully read the first five proposals. And Bill, it kind of reminds you if anyone's faced a lawyer in court or done a deposition, that lawyer, that opposing lawyer asks you the same questions eight different ways to trick you. And they'll start off with question A at the beginning, at the end of the deposition they ask that same question again to see if he's trying to be sneaky about stuff. So Bill's writing this to appeal to different types of people and asking the same question in a different language. In a nutshell, have I been thorough and honest? Yes, move on. Now these fifth step promises which precede this are pretty incredible. Albeit they didn't happen to me right after I was done with the fifth step. I kind of got to see or experience these things and 6 and 7, 8 and 9. But it says once having taken the step withholding nothing we're delighted. I can look the world in the eye. That's huge when we can look anyone in the eyes and not be gun shy anymore. I could be alone at perfect peace and ease. I don't need to be home with the TV on silent while the radio is going on the phone on the computer and eating something at the same time. I remember watching a basketball game, a Knick game back in the day and I watched an entire basketball game and made myself a little lunch and watched this game when it was over. I realized I just spent about two hours or whatever it is watching a ball game. I didn't go to the phone once. I didn' t have a computer back then and I was really okay watching a game on a Saturday all by myself. This was new territory. I needed something, excitement or gossip or just something to keep me interested and keep me away from me. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. Having had certain spiritual beliefs, we now begin to have a spiritual experience. This is profound. People will tell us it's normal to think about a drink if you're an alcoholic. That statement is entirely true if I'm untreated, but according to my book, That feeling is going to start to go away. In fact, in step 10, it says the problem has disappeared. Not that I'm cured, but that thing that was screaming at me is now a distant voice. It doesn't have its hooks in me anymore. So when I'm done with this fifth step and I'm done with the quiet time, I don't go to 90 meetings in 90 days and hang around. It says I'm supposed to move into step six because what I have is the wreckage in front of me. What came out of step four and five, how can I live now knowing how I lived then? How can I be present to the moment while I'm still driven by all this stuff from the past? So this is starting to get flushed out. So it says if I can answer my satisfaction, the questions we looked at on the bottom of page 75, I look at step six. It says are we now ready to have God remove from us all the things we considered are objectionable? All my column four. And all the tentacles that that has, they're called defects. I look at it, God, I don't want this in my life anymore. Can he now take them all, every one? Do I believe my God's big enough and loving enough to do that? Yes. Can he take them All, Every One? I hope he does. Because of myself, I am nothing to Father, do what works. And one day I looked at that question in a different way. It says, can he now Take Them All, Everyone? I hope he does. I pray he's big enough. And then I looked at it this way. If I was opening up this meeting, if this was my home group, and every Monday night I come here and I open up, and one particular Monday night Chris sees me walking in with a new coffee pot under my arm and a stack of big books under the other arm and the teas are dangling from my teeth and I'm walking across the parking lot and everything falls. Chris says, let me help you with that. He says, no Chris, I got it. And I pick up everything again I stumble along the falls again. This goes on three or four times and finally Chris says, can I take that off of you now? Are you done trying to be a hero? I look at this statement as the book is telling me, can he now take them from you? Are you down? You're dying with this stuff and you insist on holding on to it. Can he now take them all? Every one. He'll take the big books he'll take the coffee pot, he'll take the keys and I can travel light I can just walk into the meeting and sit down people are doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. God's about to do for me what I can't do for myself again so I pray for the willingness to have God remove everything because this isn't about trimming some of the trees the leaves off the tree, this is about a complete transformation, a complete uprooting once again. Am I willing to do that? How far into the forest am I willing to go? I was desperate here. And also frightened, exactly where is God going to take me? It's easy for you, you know, you're sober 20 years, you'RE sober 30 years, YOU sponsored a bunch of guys, I'm a new kid on the block and they're talking about revamping me once again. And one of the things I was afraid to let go of was trust or distrust. Because I grew up with a code from my dad and my uncles and all my dad's friends. And they would preach to me, the only thing you trust is the money in your pocket. Trust no man. And they would tell me never trust a woman. I'm saying, but you're all married. How do you have a relationship? I don't get this. Trust. No man. Never trust a women. Only trust the money in your pockets. That's guaranteed. So now I walk into AA and they're talking about trust. Be transparent and your sponsor, trust God. I can't even see God. I don't know how far into the forest I want to go with this trusting thing. And I interpret it as trusting people. I'm weak and vulnerable. I'm a fool. I'm going to get hurt. I'm gonna step on the grenade at any moment. I don'T know about this trust thing. And then the pain got great enough and I was willing to trust. See, adversity will bring about change. Pain will bring About Change. And I started to trust and little by slowly I wasn't getting hurt. And then I got enough muscles when someone betrayed me, I wasn'T getting hurt! When ready, we say something like this. It begs the question, when is ready? It says, when ready, we say a prayer. We say something like this, my seven-step prayer. Well, when it's ready, how far into the forest do I really want to go? God's saying, I need you to walk into the center of the... I need to go all the way in here. you can't just sit on the sidelines look at the forest and go talk about the forest I need you to go all the way in but no one's walking with me I'm walking with you I need You to go all the way and how much change do I want how free do I want to be am I sick and tired of being sick and tired am I tired of traveling heavy and self is heavy to carry God gave me one cross and I carry it joyfully I don't need another one. When is ready? When I'm ready to have God remove from me everything without me being in control. He wants to take the money, wants to make the relationship, wants to get me to another state. None of my business anymore. I had to quit playing God. Oh, I'll say my life was none of my own business because it sounds good from a podium. It sounds really impressive when you tell a youngin' that your life was nothing of your business, but I'm attached to everything. And as soon as God makes a move, I'm clenching my fist. Can't do this. Am I willing to be completely put out there by God? Have stuff removed? In fact, one of the prayers we work with is, God, reveal to me the things I can't see before they get to me and kill me. Because there's things in this head that I don't even know about that are going to just show up and I'm going to listen to them. There's defects of character. We look at the seven deadly sins here. Pride, the mother of all of them. It is the thing. I start to see out of pride, so I act out of pride. I hear out of proud, so we act out. So I act our pride. Kissing cousin to that is ego. Envy. I covet stuff. I want what you have, not the way we talk about it in here. I want your house. I want your girlfriend. I want your wife. I want your money and I hate you for having it because I can never have that. Sloth, not just laying around watching Netflix and eating bonbons all day. Doesn't sound like a bad idea sometimes. Sloth spiritually slothful. I don't really pray that much. I just go through the motions. I don' t attend my religious community because I have issues with it but I won't work on the resentment I'll just nurse that grudge because I'm me and I can have one. I don't really meditate. I haven't read a spiritual book. I study up when I have to go speak, so you think I'm profound. But I haven'T done anything really spiritually. I haven'T sacrificed anything in a long time. I'm spiritually slothful, lustful. Not only with sex, I have a lust for power. I want to be Mr. AA. I see this a lot. We see this allotment on the road. There are speakers out there who will only speak Saturday night, be a banquet speaker, and that's it. A lust for power, I need to be the king of my home group. I need to have a lot of money so I'm going to look to hurt you to get your money, get your position. Mr. Brown has attention to my wife, wants my job. It's a lust for power. And so on and so vanity, I mean all these things that come up. Pride, envy, sloth, greed. I mean how much is enough? got a million dollars I need two okay get two now I need three I have a brand new Cadillac in my driveway and after a while I need now a Mercedes Benz I need to Cadillacs I got a really nice house I need a bigger house I heard something that was fabulous if we put on the board you know for traveling light it's a wonderful thing And traveling heavy is ugly. But if I put on the board, a chalkboard, relationship, health, and money. Put that on the border. Relationship, health and money, well, we all like to have enough money for our families, for ourselves, for our kids, right? Security. Relationship. We all like being in a nice, loving relationship with someone to spend our life with. It's nice. Health. We all, I'm assuming, want nice health, good health, a long life. and so it's kind of objective kind of like doesn't really touch home but if I put in front of the word health my health, in front money, my money put relationship, my relationship now it changes the whole game now it's mine, now it has changed my point of view has changed, my sentiment towards it has change now I am traveling heavy because I am afraid I am not going to get what I want or lose what I have and I have to protect and honor and make sure no one gets near it and it's my money I can give it to you when I want but you can't take any of it and I need more it changes everything greed what am I going to do about this stuff trying to work on defects on my own is like trying to swim in quicksand I can't do it I'm going to work on my defects I'm gonna work on my attributes good luck let me know how they get back to me in 90 days self-will can't overcome self-willed the carpenter said satan can't cast out satan self can't cast out self I need something greater than me to do this defects love when I'm working on them because they just breed more defects that's a defect in itself thinking I can work on my defects with that trust issue I felt like I was going to beat a hole in a donut I was gonna be weak and feeble and take advantage of what has happened as God does his handiwork, it makes me, makes us, if I can be so bold, more real, more dependable, more open to share brokenness with you. When we go to a meeting, we talk about what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. Part of the what it is like is sharing our brokenness. And we go, yep, me too. I drank like that. I felt like that I don't like I screwed up like that and even when we talk about what it's like now. Some of the ebb and flow of life, you know, losing people, breakups in relationships, things like yeah, I went, how did you go? Me too, I get that. Including some of the wonderful times. So we ride this together. We become more, I become more real. More genuine. And a greater need to depend upon God. I would love to tell you, the defects are gone, and now I'm perfect. oh no they hang around when I wake up in the morning and go he's up yeah I don't know if you can identify with this sometimes you go to you take a look at your financial status and it's a little low I'm homeless I'll be homeless in a week because I don' have a billion dollars when I get a billion dollar not even a million I need a billion I need to have Muska's money or that other guy's money. Then I might be okay. And guess what? I will get that money and just take my problems to a higher tax bracket because the soul is not where I'm operating out of. And so I surrender these things to God. And when I came out of step five, a lot of folks, and this is cool, do 5, 6, 7 right into an eight-step list and out the door. That's cool. After the hour quiet time and we approach six and seven, all my sponsors have allowed me to stay with that. Anything come to the surface that I'm unaware of to really understand that God's about to revamp my life again. Because if you notice at the end of the seven-step prayer, and I'll read it and we'll take a break, there's an amen at the beginning of the prayer. There's an end at the seven step prayer, not in step three. It's a body of work of going in. and we're about to step out for now because we're going to go back in again but for now this body of work is done I'm going to take this even if it's a little awakened awakened spirit and go out there and make restitution I've been forgiven you know what's the word redemption here my life has been in the process of being made new and I'm going to complete that is by going back to the people I've harmed except it's going to cause them harm and so doing and fixing all of it and how one of the ways I'm gonna fix is not by giving you back the money but the change amends the change that has happened in me where they can see it and hear it where I'm not stealing not only from you but anyone else anymore a life which demands rigorous honesty I'm up front is what you see is what you get. I have no power to do that, it's just God operating through all of us. So my seven step prayer says this, My creator I am now willing you should have all of me good and bad. So once again I'm surrendering, God please take me like the wretch I am. And because I've done one through five it doesn't mean I'm pure as a driven snow. I'm still a broken and flawed alcoholic. One of the greatest freedoms I have experienced. It's coming to terms with I'm broken and flawed. I'm the car that leaks oil when it drives away there's an oil spot. That's me. What tremendous freedom in that that I don't have to be Mr. AA, Mr. Perfect because if God wanted that he would have made that. If the thorn in the side hurts he would pluck it out but it gives me a reason to go to him. I hurt. not for me to decide what's good and bad either God's taken everything because the things I think are bad for me might just be helping me the things that I think I'm really good at, that's where the eagle will get me where I think i'm good by the way, I'm good with this, the eagles sneak right in I am good, not God is doing this for me, I take credit for it it's dangerous, it's deep water there was a gentleman I knew another fellow in Staten Island he was a great sponsor hardcore big book guy he was loud he was obnoxious you could hear him in the next building when his voice was so loud and he would challenge people with difficulty wasn't warm and fuzzy and he said at a meeting one time how he was praying for the longest time he said I wanted to be more of a gentleman he knew he was like that I want to be more of a gentleman, more soft-spoken, that kind of thing. And his sponsor said to him, how long have you been praying about this? He says, forever. He's taking a look at the men God sends you to sponsor them. They're roughnecks. They're tough guys. They'll only listen to you and that kind OF personality, that kind OF deportment, the mild meat guy they're not going to go to. So God just kind of trimmed off some of the edges. He didn't pluck the whole thing out. So what I think is good for me might be bad. what I think is bad for me just might be good. I don't know. I'm not in the results business. I just surrender me as I am with all my faults, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from... Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself. Every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you, my fellows, it's not about making me some super-duper AA guy. It's about going to work for God. He hired me. And grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. What is God's bidding today? Well, I need to complete eight and nine, grow in understanding and effectiveness, keep me away from me, and be a servant to God all in need in AA, outside of AA. I can't do that traveling with defects of character. I can'T do that immersed in me. I can'T do that. You know, it's interesting. I said it a million times. I need to find myself, I need to discover myself I need to self-help stuff self-helped books, Barnes and Nobles self-health the last thing I need to do is give more help to self and if I'm looking for myself, find myself I'm Looking For The Wrong Guy what I need to do is be rid of self so Barnes and Noble's are going to have a section where they say let's kill self, I'll buy a book in there the death of self before physical before the physical death the self it's a part of me that sees the world a sense of identification I get I need, gotta have I want and that's how all the roles I assign me and others that's all the selfing that goes on I don't even know I'm doing it and you say boy Pete take it easy man and what's your problem here comes another self so death to self and what 4 through 9 will do is bring death to itself in God's way and eventually life to the spirit that's when we start operating at a different place, my life has changed a lot it's not perfect, I make tons of mistakes trust me, I'll let you read my inventory but it looks nothing like I used to I'm not spitting at the guy in the mirror anymore, I'm no longer one of those drunks, I love myself I wouldn't be that pretentious I'm just not spittin' back anymore I can practice fidelity to God and fidelity in my relations not only with my wife but with my friends I'm Chris' friend, I don't wait for something else to come along and then say Chris I'm busy and go somewhere else I did that when I was out there, who's got better drugs? I don'T need you, I'm on where's the drinking? I'm going to hang out there and dump who I'm with I just don't do that and that just comes from God I think we'll take a break that's all I got, thanks