Peggy M. Uses Public Information to Show the World That Sobriety Is Possible

Thanks, Margie. And thank you for asking me to come down here. I understand you had a great afternoon and had some good speakers and some that helped to edify some of their particular standpoints as far as Alcoholics Anonymous and recovery from alcoholism is concerned, and that's a great thing. I actually even jotted some notes, which I never do, and which is like, you know, hiss-boo, which is what I always... But I wanted to... Because this is not... I'm not gonna tell my story as such. What I thought I would do is that I would share some of my experience in terms of both drunk and sober with some of the people, some of the professionals that have the opportunity to send us members, future members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I was thinking about this afternoon, I'm on the go so much that my it seems that all of the you know by my being sober and the success at being sober, and the fact that I can get up and go to work and that kind of thing. It has made me a very busy person. I'm very busy so I meet myself coming and going a lot of times. And today I was in my car driving all over the place and it seemed to me that everybody else had the same idea today and everybody was driving around all over the place and but during that time I was thinking about some of the the things that happened to me through my in my drinking and after I sobered up that really what this whole effort amounts to is the power of example it's it's an example we and Alcoholics Anonymous the committees that like CPC and PI the The people who are dedicated members of those committees, the people that share that go and do their thing are very powerful examples for those professionals and those people in the information in the newspapers and the radios and radio stations and television stations so forth to see. In our own way each of us, each member of Alcoholics Anonymous who is sober for any length of time or even a short length of time I understand this afternoon that the police chief was saying that they thought this guy had died because he quit showing up to be arrested he'd been arrested so many times and then he quit showing up and they all thought he died and then they saw his name on a flyer to speak you know and they were like oh my we thought he'd died because he had gotten sober I don't know if if that was Mark or not, but it could have easily been. But all of us have known that when we have sat in bars and drank with people and then all of a sudden they aren't there anymore. And I know one time I asked about somebody who was in our drinking crowd in college and I said, where's so-and-so? And somebody else says, well, the AAs have got him. You know, the AA's have got Him. And I had no clue that, I didn't know who the AA'S were, you know, at that time. I just, Automobile Association, you know, I was still, you know, about 16 or 17 years old and I was not interested in any AA's. But anyway, we all are sort of a power, We have the ability to set to be a power of example. And so I thought I would touch on some of the things in my life where it is really pretty obvious that either my drinking or my recovery has been a direct influence on that person. And I know that because I have gone back to those people later and I have, in some cases, written letters to them and gotten responses from them. In some cases I've actually gone to see them and they have said to me, because of you, because you let us know that you were sober and because you led us know that you are an Alcoholics Anonymous, we have referred this person and that person and so forth. And they have sometimes even called me or called Dick or that sort of thing in the professional community. Now, I was not much one for getting caught by the cops. Not because I didn't deserve to get caught by the cops or driving or whatever. I was under the scrutiny of the legal system, let's say. I remember one time I'd had a stressful week and I was at Washington University in St. Louis in school. and I'd had this stressful week. I'd probably had to go to class a few times, which I was not accustomed to doing. And I was driving back. I had, there was a, it's called, for you Catholics, I'm not Catholic, but there's this thing called the Shrine of Our Lady of the Snows. And it's this big outdoor amphitheater between Belleville, Illinois and St. Louis. And it's a beautiful place, but it was the first place in the United States where you could drive the stations of the cross. So you'd drive up to this little theater, like when you hook the thing on your window at the drive-in theater. You'd drive us to this thing, and it would tell you you had to do certain things. I don't know what Catholics do, but they'd say prayers and stuff on these beads. and these were actually the stations that you would drive these stations of the cross and it would have these little the music and stuff to go with it was quite peaceful but the only reason i did it was because i would buy like a six pack of beer right before i got to lady of snows and then i would drive the six pack through the lady of the snows then i Would drive out and And I would go to the bathroom at the public bathroom before I left the Shrine of the Lady of the Snows and continue on to go to school. It was a very handy way stop for me, you know, drink six pack and then pee and then go on to school except that this one particular time a cop pulled me over right after I had left the shrine of Our Lady of the Snows and oh it just scared me to death I mean I'm many of you have had the the cherries on top coming after you I mean you know you've had that they've spread-eagled you they stick them up you know all those exciting things for me it was just one lone patrolman in a car who came driving up and you know signal signal me would go over and I went over and I was just scared to death because I knew I'd been drinking and I knew I shouldn't be driving. And I was driving a Porsche, I drove a Porsche automobile which is that I at one time in an alcoholic fervor I dropped second gear in that Porsche and that was not too good either but anyway he pulled me over and I was I I was had drunk this six pack of beer and what I would do is I would shove the cans up underneath the seat and then when I put the brakes on those they would come rolling out from under the seat. And I was so scared that that was going to happen that I just did that little rabbit thing you know where you just barely touch the brakes and I pulled up you know and and I I put the window down about this far you know because he came up to the side I looked guilty I don't know why he didn't arrest me and there was this I just and he said did you know your license you need new license plates well I had them I had him on the front seat of the car but here you know we're three or four beer cans that it rolled out from underneath this thing and so I'm quickly and I get this thing up and I put my license plates up there and he says all right move on I was so I mean I was just totally I couldn't even move for about five minutes I was totally drained of all my adrenaline everything that's the only real brush with the law I had so you know I'm pretty pretty much of a weenie when it comes to that kind of thing because it It's hard. And after that, of course, I quit driving because it scared me so bad that I never drove and drank after that. But I just didn't drive. It's like when I almost drowned in the bathtub one time when I was drunk because I passed out while the water was still going. And I woke up with it right up to here, and I was snuffling water like this, and it scared me so bad that I quit. I didn't quit drinking, I quit bathing at that point. Because that's not going to quit drinking for heaven's sake. That's a little extreme. Just stay out of the water, you know. And I had a shower, but, you remember how when you got real, I mean, it hurt. When you turned that water on, it beat on your skin. It was like terrible, so I really just quit bathing. And that was towards the end of my drinking. So that was my, I really have had no influence in terms of my power example in the legal community. However, in the medical community, I had tremendous influence. When I was in Missouri, no, in Illinois, I was out in Illinois and it was coming towards the beginning of my life towards the edge of my thinking. I had, when I, what I did was I moved back here from Europe. I've spent several years in Europe going to school, to college. I came back here and I went to Washington University and lived in Belleville. And from there I moved to the University of California in Riverside and then moved to Washington, D.C., and that was kind of the end of my drinking. I got sober in Washington,D.C. But while I was there in Belleville, before I moved to the University of California, I got sick physically. And at first, and this is so strange because I loved to drink, and I drank a lot. And as a result of my drinking, there were certain manifestations that were going on in my body that were not usual. And I don't need to go into any of that, but it was way beyond just, I mean, I had a bad liver. I had high blood pressure. I had esophageal varices, which are these little veins in your throat getting enlarged from drinking so much, and they rupture sometimes. And there's just all kinds of nasty little things that happen. And so at one point, I was supposed to graduate from college that year, except that I had gotten really, really drunk. I had drunk a case of port wine which was stolen from... I had had a key made to the liquor. They were locking the liquor up by now and they had like a liquor closet. My parents entertained a lot when I was living at home. And I got the key made. I pilfered a case of port because nobody was drinking it. So I didn't think they'd ever see that it was gone, not for months anyway Because I was one of these drunks who always thought, I'll put it back tomorrow. I'll replace it tomorrow. Or I would drink the beer and then turn the can upside down in the refrigerator and shove it to the back thinking that nobody was going to see it was empty. You know, it's stupid. But anyway, so I had drunk this case of port, and I ruptured these esophageal varices, and I began bleeding. I threw up blood. I bled it was really very very dangerous and my parents were gone I was there by myself I had managed to cut myself off from everyone and so I had no support system I had and I wasn't going what do you say I call the hospital and you say I'm bleeding because I just drank a case of port no because I wasn t ready for that I wasn't ready to give up on that yet so I just bled and I became extremely febrile very shaky and weak in shock pretty much and I went to my father's desk reference and looked myself up in the desk reference and it said to when you had this sort of thing happen was to raise your feet above your head and lay in that position for hours and drink small sips of fluid to keep yourself hydrated. So I'm drinking this watered-down milk because I couldn't eat. I don't know how you were, but I couldn'T eat. And gradually, gradually the bleeding stopped, and obviously I survived. But as a result of that, I got a little bit scared. So I said something to my father about this, and he said, we need to get you a checkup. Well, my father was very well aware that I was an alcoholic. And he had said many, many times, my Father's a doctor, and he had says many times to me, you know, you really have got to watch your drinking. Because I had been on my own for several years in Europe, and I had been drinking all that time. And the fact that he is a doctor and the fact that he was in the Air Force is another huge story that I will share in a minute. But he said, you need to get a checkup. So he sent me to a doctor who did a liver biopsy. And prior to the liver biopsies this doctor said to me, do you ever just drive around in the car and drink do you ever hide the amount that you drank do you ever and he just went through this whole list of things and I said no no I mean I lied through the whole thing he did the liver biopsy and he told me I had portal cirrhosis of the liver and he said I shouldn't drink and I didn't drink for about eight and a half months and it was the most miserable terrible time and then somebody that I knew got married and I was at the wedding and I started drinking and it as though I'd never ever stopped drinking now the interesting thing about this is that I after I sobered up I went back and found this doctor, and I thanked him for asking me the questions. I apologized to him for lying, and tell, you know, I said, I am in Alcoholics Anonymous now, and i, you know, i need to make amends to you. I lied through all of those things, and he said, oh, I know. I've been sober in AA for 15 years or something, you And he was this guy, he was an Air Force doctor. And he, because of his experience with me and because of my experience with him, one more time there was an alcoholic that he would then, he told me of many stories, many people beyond that, that he had said the same things to. Sometimes they lied, sometimes they didn't, but occasionally he'd get one. And that's really what this is about. occasionally we're going to edify someone's life. Occasionally we're gonna affect someone's life. Occasionaly somebody is gonna hear something. I remember Holly Martin was this very, very dignified black lady from Detroit and she said that the thing that she remembered that got her sober was a little P.I. announcement on on new year's eve where she had had everything she had she had drunk it all up she was all by herself and she heard this little pi announcement that you know how we put those things on around new years and at different holidays like that she heard this one that says said something about a glass crutch the glass crotch and that was the the phrase that she remembered and she sobered up like three days later and was sober for 30-some years when she died so we never know what those little things are and I know that this Air Force doctor that that was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous that had questioned me that I went back to and talked to was one of the people that my father called on to begin the first Air Force alcoholism treatment program. Because my father, because of me, started the first air force alcoholism treatment program that used alcoholics as counselors rather than using others. And he got so much flack for that At his retirement party, they had big posters because he retired as a lieutenant general. And they had these big posters around his retirement part. And one of them was this huge one that said, yes, alcoholics in charge, like that. Because that was one of his main pushes was to get alcoholics who were sober alcoholics involved in the treatment centers. treated alcoholics so that we could get, so then they could recommend that we come to Alcoholics Anonymous. So my alcoholism and my recovery from it through us is the thing that, you know, possibly made some people's lives possible because of the treatment programs they had in the Air Force. After my father retired, the next surgeon general was an alcoholic active and the whole program was disemboweled so by because who wants to have a program like that when you're drinking you know and he was in charge of it it was sent it was restored and so forth but that time when my dad was in there which was six or seven eight years they had something going and it was only because of the disease of alcoholism and because of my recovery in alcoholics not not because of me because trust me me and my dad didn't go along very good at time but because of he saw what I did and that's that's the power of example that's what giving this message to CPC like I think the fellow this afternoon said that both his parents were alcoholic and one his mother was his mother had been sober for a while and then drank again his dad never did but he knew Alcoholics Anonymous was there you know Martha her her great grandmother let her great-grandfather burn up in a house because she didn't like him much and he was a drunk I mean she dragged all her kids out but she left him in there to burn up and which is fine but her one of those children was her great-grandfather who was a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and was the example that was set for Phil and and Martha and the others have that have come since then so we never know I mean that's I had no way of knowing that that this whole thing was set in motion this kind of thing was set in motion but it's it but I just keep showing up you know that I have no genius you know Margie can say suck up all she wants but actually I I'm I mean really loving by myself I love a a I love art I love people and and I I love football I mean you know those are the things that I love I love those things so I'm just an ordinary person who just keeps showing up and I think that with the CPC and the PI sometimes I it gets very discouraging you know you get very discouraged because you don't think that message is getting out there but everybody I think has their little role to play you know and I have my power of example and the CBC committee has their role playing pi does and if we all do that if we all basically send the message that AA is a good place it's a safe place in a good then we're doing our job and and we don't have to worry about anything from the outside you know Alcoholics Anonymous will never be destroyed from the outside it'll just be destroyed just these petty disputes within and I have found that if were doing our jobs if we just go out and do our jobs that We do the CPC thing and the PI thing and the institutions thing, and we do our GSR commitments and stuff. And by the way, have you all seen the copy, the new copy of the big book? The new big book. It's really cool, isn't it? Anyway, if we do all of that, then AA will be just fine. It'll be just Fine. It's just that we just, you know, I need to be responsible. I needto be responsible for my own sobriety and I need to be responsible to be helpful when I can. The other thing was, I went in terms of doctors anyway. They sent me to a psychiatrist right before I got sober because they figured, oh no, I guess they thought I wasn't dying fast enough physically. So they said maybe something was wrong with my head. so well now what happened was this person had I was living in Washington DC and I had this little job where I was up the receptionist for a like what do you call it lobbying lobbying for people who had hearing and speech disabilities I I worked for these people. And I had a bottle of vodka in my purse at all times in that job, and I would go to the bathroom, I would open my bottom drawer, get out my purse, go tothe bathroom, drink, put it back inmy purse, go outofthe bathroom,, come back, sitinmy desk. Now, I'm the first person people see when they walk in the door. It was hideous. I mean, it was just hideous,. I looked hideous, and I was more or less drunk all the time, And I was in charge of an election. I was en charge of counting votes for the delegates for this lobbying thing. And every day they would bring me these stacks of ballots, and I would count up these ballots. And if I didn't like somebody's name, I just gave the other guy a vote. You know, I juste cheated all the way through this thing, all theway through it, all the... I was just, it was, I have no clue who really won, you know. But I just had to put him, I rigged this election because I didn't like, you know, Eggenberger's name or something. I didn' t like the guy. But, you now, I was drunk. And, but I would mark the ballots wrong. I'd mark them down on the final tally. So after, after I got sober, oh, and then I was wandering the halls of this place one time. and I heard somebody say that this guy had jumped out of the second story window and killed himself so I I never really wanted to kill myself that I knew of you know I might have been slowly committed suicide I suppose but I never had the active thought of I'll just kill myself you know i I had thought about killing other people a number of times to get him out of my way because if they were out of my way, I'd be happy. But I didn't think about killing myself. But I always had to have a story when I went home because when you're drunk like that and your counting votes and you're drinking and back and forth, not much happens. And you know they had started questioning me when I would come in the door. So I came in the drawer this night and they asked me how did they go and I said some guy jumped out of the second-story window and killed himself. well I guess I went on a little about it because I guess i cried somewhat I didn't even know the guy I didn't care whether that guy jumped out of the window or not splat who cared you know I mean I care I didn t care but because I didn't know the guide and but yeah I you know you get to care you know how when you're sitting in the bar and you get going you know like dick was in a bar one time and and that he got a really bad case of pneumonia and so he was gone from this particular bar for several weeks then he came back well his absence happened to coincide with the Bay of Pigs member the Bay of pigs action so he told him he was part of the Bay of pigs only he had to let him drag it out of him you know he'd let him dragged out the fact that he was an operative in the Bay of pigs well dick can't swim and you had to swim to be a part of Bay of Pigs because they had to like swim on shore see and he can't swim but you know how we get to going so I got the going on this story about the guy jumping out the window and they thought I was talking about committing suicide so they swept me off to this psychiatrist whom I saw four or five times and I consistently lied to him I just lied to him. I'd go in there drinking and I sure need to drink when I left. And I told him all kinds. I said, no. He told my parents later that the best he could figure, I had a giant complex. And I never figured out whether it was because I thought that he was a giant, my folks were giants, everybody was giants, or if I was a Giant and everybody else was little peons. I never figured that I'd never know but he told him that and they didn't like that much so I quit didn't have to go anymore which was nice because he said I wasn't going to commit suicide too no well okay well I went back to that guy later because he was right there in Washington DC and I told him that I was sober and I was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and through the years he sent several people to the group that I was, that I belonged to. Now that's not because I'm such a good person but basically that's because I carried the message that AA works and that's what CPC and PI are supposed to do is carry the message this that AA worked. Also then after I got sober some people came to us Dick and I we had gotten married when and they said we We should have something here in the Washington, D.C. area that for over the holidays, over the Christmas and New Year's holidays. And so we with some other people, Buck Doyle and Ernie the Attorney and No Growth McGee and a few other people got together and started the first Washington Area Alcathon. And we had people from the professional community come. We had it written in the paper, nobody's name was used but it was written up in the paper and you know, it gave the hours, it had the attendance and so forth. It had the schedule for the event and all that kind of thing and that's the kind of thing that we can do. We can do PI stuff like that. We could put the Alcothon in the newspaper saying it's at the Baptist Church and it starts at so-and-so and it goes through the year you know and and we did we did that and it was a very nice article I still have it in our archives it was an ice article about knit disguised everybody that the reporter was there and he never gave anybody's names but he gave people stories and and stuff and it was it was tremendous boost and then when we came here one of the people that Dick sponsored he started the first AlkaThon in the Omaha area so it just kind of rolled down the hill you know well we started one back there why don't you start one here so those are the kinds of efforts though it looks like they're very small efforts in the long run look what is done I mean for us I love going we have the women's meeting at 1 o'clock on Christmas Day and we all like going there I like getting out of the house and getting away from all those people you know and the things that are hanging around and stuff I love that calm that peace of going to a meeting on Christmas Day no matter what day that happens to be I think it's a super thing to do and it's just one more of those small efforts the other thing that I did was there was up when I was in college, regardless of whether I was drunk or not, I didn't graduate that year because I didn t show up for the finals. But I had enough credits that all I had to do was I had to get when I got sober, I took one class and sent those credits back to Washington University and I graduated. There was a woman who now is the dean and the head of the foreign language department at Washington University in St. Louis who was my teacher and her name was Naomi Leibowitz and Naomi Leabowitz took me kind of under her wing and she knew there was something wrong with me, she knew that there was something very wrong so she really attempted in her way to help me and I was not helpable at that time however after I sobered up I wrote her a letter and I made my amends to her and I have heard from her twice since then only twice but I have kept up with her through the Washington alumni newspaper that I get Washington University and she is now the Dean and the head of the department and it couldn't happen to a nicer person but in her second letter that she wrote she said that she had been able to because of my going back to her and saying that I was sober, that she had another resource to help some of the people that she has seen come through her classes in the years since I had been there. And that she could kind of look at them and she could take them aside and say, you know, here's something you might want to explore. And those, you now, that's a very gratifying kind of thing. It's not a big flashy thing, it's something that most people, I don't normally even talk about it because it's just it's a small thing but it's all those little small things that we can do as committees or as individuals or as sponsors or are as groups those kinds of efforts are is maybe the message that that one alcoholic needs to hear just like Holly Martin was the glass crutch you know that little, the glass crutch, the glass crotch, she just, that just kept going over and over in her mind for three days. And those are the kinds of things that, like I had a very good friend who said to me, when I was in Paris, I went to the interpreter school in Paris. And when I, she was an English girl, and she said to my one time, you know, there are people who can drink and people who can't. And you can't? And my reply is, yes, I can. You know, because I could drink. What she meant was, I shouldn't drink. You shouldn't drink. Because I drank so much. And of course I wrote to Lillian later and told her that I was sober and she has since married. She emigrated to Australia or something. And I've lost track of her. But nonetheless those little brushes with people. One of the people that I sponsor, it's a very simple little story, but it illustrates what I'm trying to say here tonight. And that is she was standing, she had gone to a meeting and she didn't know anyone. And the room was extremely crowded. There were just tons and tons of people there. But she didn'T know anyone and she came into the back and she sat in the back row and felt totally isolated and alone like we can do better than almost anybody I mean better than almost anybody we can feel alone and she said when the meeting closed that this lady that was right in the row ahead of her reached back and grabbed her hand and that that one gesture kept her in the rooms and we never know when people are at that point when when they're going to get it you know that we never know what little action of ours be it on a committee or an individual that that just that one little thing could have saved her life well it so far has saved her life because she got so that she got sober she never drank again because she felt like somebody cared about her even just if it was just a gesture so many of these people that probably one of the most touching stories and I will end with this is that I had an old teacher in high school her name was mrs. Norma Wells and everybody in Fort Worth in Arlington Heights High School quivered when they heard they were in Mrs. Norma Wells' class. Because in those days, I don't know how the curriculum is today, but you either had to take a lot of math or a lot of language. And I hated math. It's so ironic that I do a lot of math today. And I don t hate it now. But But in those days, I hated it. I could not see the relevance of plotting a point in space. I had no clue what that had to do with the next six-pack of Lone Star I was going to get. You know, that was basically my focus. So I really didn't like math. I kind of liked geometry because you could draw, but that was it because I'm an artist. But anyway, Mrs. Norman Wells taught languages. And ironically, I ended up majoring in languages and in political science and went on to do some really, really interesting things, both when I was drinking and when I Was Sober, mostly when Iwas Sober. They were interesting because I could remember them when IWas Sober But anyway, Mrs. Wells, I guess she recognized that I had some language talent because she really went out of her way for me. She really, really was good to me. And yes, she was a harsh disciplinarian. Yes, she gave a lot of homework. And yes she tended to – she had a little stick. She was kind of like the I've heard about the nuns. So they would come along and kind of tap you on the head or whatever if you were on your fingers or whatever. she didn't quite do that, but she certainly let everybody know if you made a mistake. And I really wanted to please her and I wanted to learn what she had to teach me. And I went on and took all the classes that I could from her. And then I graduated, and when I graduated she cried. And she gave me a big hug and she said, I'll always remember this, she says you have a very hard row to hoe but please keep in touch with me and let me know how you're doing. Well of course it kind of, I was kind of discomfited by it because I had a hard row a hole what does that mean and now she's she sensed and I never found this out really but I built her first her husband was dead and I believe her husband died from alcoholism because they talked about it and she never told me that but they talked at school in Fort Worth and so later later on as I was getting the college and as I got sicker and sicker in that kind of thing. I would occasionally drop her a card. Well, then after I got sober, I found her. I went out of my way to find her and I called her up and I said, Mrs. Normal Wells and she said, Peggy, all those years. Peggy where are you? And I said well I'm in Washington in D.C., and I talked to her then, and I said, I'm an AA, and so glad to hear that. I'm so happy. I said I want you to know that I remembered what you said about me having a hard row to hoe. And I did. But I think I'm going to be okay. And is there anything I can do to make up for what I did when I was in your class? Because sometimes I didn't show up on Mondays and stuff. I was better than I was to become, but even so in high school I was a pretty good drinker. She said, no, but just keep in touch. So for years later I kept in touch with her until they put her in a nursing home out on the west coast in Oregon and the last conversation I had with her I called her up she was in nursing home I called and I talked to her and I said how are you doing and she said well she was like 89 or something she's getting really old and she said well I'm okay for an old lady and she but but I do want to tell you something She said, you're the most worthwhile student I ever had. And it just, I mean, that's worth everything. All the cards and the calls, it was worth everything! I was not the best student, but the most worthwhile, and that made me feel so good. To be a horrible drunk, stealing from everyone, I mean stealing their time, their affection, their love, their caring, their concern. And to go from there to her saying you're the most worthwhile student I've ever had. And it's all those little things that you all offer to me and that we should offer to others. And thanks very much. Thank you.