Peggy M. at the It’s In The Book – Helena, MT – 2020

Thank you, thank you all and thank you for inviting me here. It's beautiful and I love it, I love going anywhere actually. When you live in Nebraska almost anywhere is exciting. It's not that Nebraska is bad, I don't mean that. It's just that it's sort of flat. I'm Peggy Martin and I'm an alcoholic. And through the grace of God and fellowship of people like you and sponsorship I've been sober since February 4th, 1964 And for that, I'm very grateful. I was sitting before the meeting thinking about something that goes right along with this because what I'm going to attempt to do this afternoon is to tell you really about the traditions as I have lived them in my life, life, not so much as they are to the groups because any group that is active in anything really in sponsorship and service becomes very well aware of the traditions. Isn't it strange? I have in all the years that I've been sober, I have heard people talk about the steps. steps, I have heard people, endless step studies, endless step discussions, endless meetings, endless things going on. Never heard of anybody getting into any fights over how to take a step. There might be some small disagreement here and there about when to or the exact format for it or how you do your fifth step or who you do it with There are people who, some people who believe that you do a fifth step with like five people and then there's some people. And I don't think it makes any difference who you do the fifth step as long as you do a fifth steps. And I think that that's the basic, you're going to get out of what you put into it and I think thats the basic understanding. But I don' know about your experience but my experience is that people fight endlessly endlessly over the traditions. Endlessly. And every jerk, oh everything that I say up here is my opinion. Doesn't reflect AA as a whole. It's just my opinion and you know some of it, some of my opinions are based on experience and some of them are just based on plain arrogance that's all and sometimes I can't sort out which is which but people fight about the traditions all the time I was I felt very at home when people gave their last names here because I have been giving my last name forever I came in AA in Washington DC in 1964 beginning of February and that we said that we set our last names it was not a vile it is is not a violation of the tradition if I choose to say it, if I chose to say because it's up to me. We are, you know, it tells me that in the traditions that that no, no, no society it says cares more about its members than Alcoholics Anonymous and I believe that's true and we get, we everywhere in the book, you now, I like the name of your group, it's in the book a lot of this stuff is in the the book you know it's liberty verging on license well you know that because they know they can't stop us basically is what it comes down to it's a very practical thing we get we get to go and we i like to think of it as whirling you know you get to whirl and you just whirl and i mean i'm you know 32 plus years sober and i get to whirling sometimes times. So, I mean, I have heard every kind of, you know, jerk talk about the traditions or nice guy talk about their tradition and interpret it in some of the dumbest ways I've ever heard my wife in my opinion. Of course, then I interpret them, you know, and I interpret the traditions loosely, if you will, because that is, it has been been my experience in my years in AA, that that is the way that I'm most comfortable with them. Is that if I don't, you know, I believe there is my responsibility today especially is that I need to remember my heritage and I need to remember my experience and I need to remember where I came from and the debt that I owe to those people that were there when when I got sober. The debt I owe to my first sponsor, the debt I owe to the people before that, the people that sponsored her and the people before that. And I can take my sponsor and go back to her sponsor and go all the way back to the beginning. And I like that, you know? And we were just at a conference conference just recently, we were talking about heritage and we were talking about being able to trace our lines of sponsorship back through the years. And that's part of what makes AA for me a living breathing thing. And thats to me what the traditions are about. They're about living breathing principles not something that's on the wall that is interpreted by the whatever local Duke you know comes along in the group and says that's the way it is you know but what is that what is the principle that I can use and in each of these traditions in my life now did I mean as a every single one of them in some way or another has got to do with ego every single one of that leads me to believe that somebody thought we had a problem with ego I mean it's just a wild speculation on my part but I mean it means to me that we got up and I don't know about you but I know I do I know I did and I also know that some of that ego comes out of a natural born born, absolute convincing belief that I am right. Period. Doesn't matter about what. Doesn't mater about what? I am Right. Can't they see it? What do I have to do? Spell it out to you? You know, that kind of thing. And some of it comes out of just the opposite, which is what we are. Aren't we weird? I mean, we're so strange and funny. My sponsor said to me, I have no idea why she would say this. An excess of arrogance is a deficiency in self-esteem. Oh, I wonder why she said that. because what it means is for me anyway is that when I act big talk big absolutely sure I'm right it's because I'm absolutely desperately afraid I'm wrong and if I'm then it just confirms to me that same low opinion I had of myself all along and I don't I am such a dichotomy even Even today, I am just a split personality, even today, in certain things. And one is that I have this grandiose arrogance on the one hand, and on the other hand, some days I wake up and I think, we were talking this morning when Ann was taking me around, and thank you, Ann, for doing that. It was great. I had a lot of fun. I saw where the local Lover's Lane, I don't know why that was, but I think some experience was there. Some personal experience must be had up on the boulevard. Anyway, we were talking about the fact that even to this day, when I wake up in the morning, my first cogent thought is not, I think I'll help somebody today. My first thought is, where's the coffee? Or some such self-centered thing. Because I am, that's who I am. And if I tell you something different, then I'm lying to myself. Now, I act different. I act differently than that. But that's my nature. By nature, I'm selfish and self-centered. So these traditions are principles that I absolutely guarantee have to be put into my life. They have to me. It's like the steps. I can't understand. I mean, we are given this set of tools and people all over they say things like, well, I did a fifth step. I don't have to do another one. You know, that's fine for them. But I personally have done four major fifth steps in my life because I keep screwing up and forgetting about the tenth step. I mean, I keep forgetting that I've got to go do stuff. And then life happens. And my reaction to life has never been normal. It's never been norma... It's not likely ever to be normal. Matter of fact, I'm not even really sure I want it to be norma Because I don't know whether they actually get it or not, normal people. You know, I don' t know if they get it. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, so I can't understand why a person would have this set of 12 tools that are so readily available when we go to meetings and have sponsors and stuff, why they would want to use them once and never use them again. I mean, I don't understand that. And I also sponsor people who are compulsive fifth-step takers, which is not good either. So there's got to be a balance in there. But these traditions are the same way. You know, they're the same things. They are principles upon which I can live my life. The first tradition states the problem. and we should probably I don't have a big thing of them but we should probably I should probably read it would be helpful it states the problem our common welfare should come first personal recovery depends upon a unity now what that means to me is that if something is not a unit if it is not unified it is going to be you know a house divided against itself will fall. That kind of thing. AA has got to survive. The groups have got to survive I don't do well on my own. I have seen examples of people who have gone out on their own and who are you know, they may be dry but boy I wouldn't want to live like they live. I mean nasty, nasty. I means they are on dry drunks, oh it's just horrible. I've been there myself where I thought why do I have to go to that stupid meeting tonight You know that old George is gonna say the same thing he always says and I'm gonna disagree with them like I always do Why do I you know after so many years? The point is that thing saved my life meeting save my life. Meeting makers make it so I go to me So that states the problem we've got to stay together It's not a question of whether we want to stay now. We gotta stay together or else we'll all die and and it was funny because when I as you can see I have all these notes and everything that I've had for years about these things and so I made some more notes of course and now I took you know I took some notes of things that a little bit different and it said you know i took a little sentence out of each of the traditions since this is it's in the book that is right in the traditions that I thought Maybe it's been there all along, but I just never saw it kind of thing or it's something that jumps out at me this time. And it said one of the things was it becomes plain that the group must survive or the individual will not. It doesn't say maybe will not or takes a chance of maybe not or it just says he will not The second is his life actually depends upon obedience to these spiritual principles principles so when obedience obedience is right there i don't know what kind i think you have a strong sponsorship ethic here and if you do you are undoubtedly criticized across the land anyone who wakes up says oh that damn it's in the book group you know they're doing something again God, they're bringing in some local firemen, I mean, visiting firemen. Why do they have to do that? We've got good speakers right around here, you know. You know what I'm saying? So, you Know, I Mean, it's, and of course, because any time, now remember, this again is in my experience because I happen to be one, also is that AA's full of neurotics. I mean, we are just flaming neurotics and as a matter of fact, in AA Comes of Age at the very beginning it says the neurotic content of Alcoholics Anonymous is emotional dynamite. It says that in our book. Well, if you can think about it, you think about a minute if we knew knew what was going on in every single person's mind sitting in this room right now and could harness that power it would blow this place up i didn't mean to mention anything about bombs or people blowing things up but at any rate that it says that it says that that the neurotic content of alcoholics and I was an emotional dynamite so if you have a strong sponsorship ethic in your group you're going to be criticized but it says right here written by the one of the co-founders obedience to spiritual principles okay let's just for me anyway let's think about that let me think about that obedience to spiritual principles i don't have god god well yes i think he sometimes speaks to me you know i think he like says you know how you get that sort of spiritual feeling when you see a new car and you think i think i just heard god tell me to get that new car i can feel it in my bones dick i can feel it he's talking to me one time dick lost his job this was years ago and he lost his job and he was looking for he was working for a guy named jonathan grossman he was going around looking at radio stations for him in the meat to buy and the mean meantime he had We had no steady income other than that that Jonathan Grossman paid. So he was going out and doing interviews and everything, and he went down and interviewed at a place in North Carolina. And he absolutely, I mean, it was not his style of station. I mean it was nicht. It was not His style of Station. He did not want to go there, but they acted interested. Well, of course, being the neurotic that I am, I wanted him to be interested so I every time I'd go on the beltway or we'd be going to our meetings or anything I'd see no cars with North Carolina license plates I said look Dick it's a sign you're supposed to go to North Carolina there's another one from North Carolina they're and finally he said who is my always my rock you know my rock he says but Peggy did it ever occur heard of you, we're living in Washington, D.C. They are from North Carolina. What are they doing up here? Oh, maybe they're up here looking for work, in other words. And so it, you know, it's always that, that we're either coming from love or we're coming from fear. And I think a very simple inventory for somebody to take when they're, when they'RE in one of these things when they think they hear god's voice and everything is to go check with your sponsor and she'll usually say i don't think god is a car salesman or in the case where you know you be you absolutely convinced that he is it It, it, God's will. God's Will, I could feel it in my bones, it's God's Well that I be with this guy and God is not a pimp either. So sponsorship is at the base of all this thing. So here the first tradition states the problem and I'm going to jump around because I'm right-brained then who cares and and then at the 12th one says anonymity is the spiritual foundation of our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities spiritual foundations anonymity not in the sense of nobody knowing your name because i in my in my estimation that sounds better than the opinion doesn't it it is a a measured opinion in my estimation in my in my estimations anonymity really is talking about self-sacrifice so it says self-Sacrifices the spiritual foundation and I don't know if that I I mean, when I hear that anonymity or self-sacrifice is the spiritual foundation, it does not send goosebumps up my spine. I mean it's saying I've got to sacrifice myself if need be, my personal desires, my personal glory, my own personal desires. My personal fame, my personal, personal, personal. Me, moi, Miss Piggy. I have to sacrifice all of that stuff so that I can have some kind of spiritual deal, you know, have any kind of a spiritual deal. So self-sacrifice leads me, if I do it on a pretty consistent basis, it says daily maintenance of our spiritual condition, that if I do that on a fairly consistent basis, I will feel as though I am contributing to the human race, which is the spiritual feeling. It's a feeling to me anyway, and I only... I don't know about you, but I get, and I would assume that living here in this beautiful place, that being outdoors, say, on a mountain or looking over Helena or whatever, that that would make you feel good and clean as though you were standing with the wind blowing through you and to me that is much i get that feeling way more being outside being with animals being with wildlife so i getthat feeling of spirit way more than i do in church i mean i don't go to church so i wouldn't have it there anyway the only time i would have it is if i was sitting listening to a beautiful cantata played on the organ and sung by the Mormon, no less, Mormon Tabernacle Choir with light coming through the stained glass windows. Then I might feel spiritual but other than that it to me that isn't where I find it. I find that outside and I find it helping alcoholics and I found it helping animals and I I find it watching things, you know, things outside. I just, I am a great nature lover and I, not that I want to rough it or anything, you know. I mean, it's not like that, but I like to be out there and see what it is. You know, I mean I'm not a, like Carlina Hiker or, you know, a backpacker or stuff, you know. I just go to my exercise class on Tuesdays and Thursdays with only telling myself this is good for you. and you'll prolong your already 57 years of bad living. So the first tradition states the problem, the 12th tradition states the result if we follow these principles if we get through the problem. Now this is what I always think of and I hate this that they took this away from us. I just hate it because again it's those big guys and I don't ever like big guys particularly particularly. But we used to have this circle and triangle. And in their wisdom, the conference voted it out because they said, well, it's a long story. But they took it away from it. They don't put it on the literature anymore, any of that stuff, because we can't copyright and the reason we can't copyright it is because it's used by so many other people and when the first arguments over this thing started I I said you know this is going to come to no good anyway it's going to cost them a lot of money in legal fees and everything because I personally observed this on the pyramids in Egypt so I know it's old and I know they didn't have AA then so this was this is on this is an ancient religious symbol or spiritual symbol so they've taken it off but I still think of it as mine and also because of its spiritual significance I think I think it's a good way of thinking about what I call well I don't like to call it balance in my life because whenever anybody balances their life it always means they're gonna cut out a meeting or two you know I'm gonna I'm going to balance, I have to balance my life. Whoops, there goes Thursday night. You know what I'm saying? It's always that. We never balance. We either do something, there was something in here about that where we either do whole hog or not at all. But anyway, we have the circle and the triangle. And each side of this thing is an equilateral triangle and this is the circle that binds all the pieces. Now Now, I have a story about that. This is one of the things that really, I think, brings the traditions into a practical living-breathing life. There was a guy, a young man, who was a freshman in college, and he was very, very popular. And all these people were coming up to his dorm room and visiting him and asking him out to coffee and asking him to go places after class and wanting to study with him and everything. So the dean of men went up to investigate this guy because nobody can be that wonderful, you know, being a freshman. Why would these upperclassmen seek him out to get his advice and that kind of thing? And so the dean went in, and he visited with the guy, and he said it was just, you now, general conversation. Nice kid, but he couldn't see what all the fuss was about. So, as he turned to leave, there was a little plaque on the kid's desk and he said, oh is this a plaque that you cherish or whatever? He was just looking for information. And the kid said yes, my mother carved it for me and it's something I try to live my life by. and it said I am third and that the counselor said well what does that mean what does it mean and how do you live your life by it he said as well I can be successful and I can feel good and I get along I seem to be able to get along better with people and I seem be more happier and that sort of thing when I understand this and live my life like this. God is first, my fellow man is second, and I am third. Okay. I thought about that in terms of the triangle because in my life, when I get anybody else on top of the Triangle up here others in God things are out of kilter things are not right you know our seventh tradition talks about being self-supporting if I put somebody up here I am NOT being self supporting because I'm giving them way too much power I'm living my life totally for them and that is not healthy if I I put myself up here, which is my natural inflammation, not, I hate this word, so, you know, I am not codependent. I have got a one-word sentence for the cure for codependency, which I will not say on tape, but as long as, if I put my self up here then I'm still out of kilter, right? I mean, I am violating every spirit of every tradition there is when I put myself up here. If I put God up here, the higher power, whatever, when I got sober, I called it the great reality. Oh, please. I mean... I wrote a poem. What alcoholic has not written some dumb poem? I think that's why the grapevine doesn't take them you know I wrote this dumb poem about how these streetlights led me to the great reality oh it was so corny but anyway if as long as I have a power the power it doesn't matter what power anybody other than me will do you know know not God that's what that's all about if I have God or the higher power right up here then everything else balances the fellow man balances I balance and I can do that I can't then think of my fellow man and myself because I know when I do that when I have that balance going for me my life is great and it doesn't the only problem is see it like doesn't stay that way you You know, I can't kind of stay balanced because I'm always tilting one way or the other, usually up towards me. You know? I'm like self-serving and therefore I, or what does Clancy call it? Self-possessed. You know if I just tilt one way or the other then I, you know that's, my life gets out of kilter. And I think we can think about the use of these principles just that way. You know, when I am trying to create that spiritual foundation, when I'm trying to be self-sacrificing, when I'M trying to help other people, I kind of balance my triangle, see? Because my natural inclination is to be up here trying to BE God, you know? And so when I help somebody else, it balances everything out. And then the second tradition talks about... talks about this is a great tradition for me anyway way for when you have fights in the group because it it says exactly the kinds of things that you know you want to look read and understand that they've been through all these things before and and so what about in my own life you know it says for our group purpose there's but one ultimate authority a loving god as he may express himself on our group conscience our leaders are trusted servants they do not govern that means that i am i can be a leader in my community, I can be a leader in my group, I CAN be a partner to my husband. See, for some reason, it says in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, lack of power that was our dilemma. My problem has always been because of this sense of righteousness that I have, this sense of always being right, of having the of being the only person in the room who is aware of the of the truth of the answer it's exhausting because then you absolutely have to manipulate you can't just come out and tell alcoholics because they they don't believe you you know you can't just tell them i am i have the answer you know they you know, they they go no you don't go bake a cookie or something you know they do something like that but you have so you have to kind of slide it under you know and and manipulate and that takes so much energy and you know that's that's the way it is in my family see when i use this in my family then i have to be i am an equal to my husband i am not i am NOT the boss in the family oh god i just hate that you know i just HATE that because i because when you have this sense of being absolutely righteous you get you're afraid if they don't do it your way because then all hell breaks loose or you think it will You know, you just, you know what I mean? So you don't want to let them have any part of it because they're bound to mess it up. Bound to mess It up. So you've got to, and so, I mean, that is the best time. It's that old deal of let go and let God. Oh, let go And let God, let Go and let the higher power. Let go, whatever. And there's this great story, this girl that I sponsored, who had a she came into AA really with an identity crisis because she didn't know she's Jewish she's English and she's transplanted here to the United States and wasn't practicing her Judaism and was was drinking and taking handfuls of Valium which will get you there it'll get you you there but she had this you know am i a neurotic or am i alcoholic and well she's been sober like 15 years now so we have to assume she's alcoholic but she was mad at her husband and she had that same feeling and he was huffing and puffing around many of you may know her husband's reggie albia and he Was Huffing And Puffing Around And Because She Was After Him About Something And He Knocked A Vase Off On The Floor And It Broke And So He She Said Go Get the vacuum cleaner i'm in charge she was in charge it was it was a great moment for her because she was right the vase was broken but she was ripe and you know that's the way it goes sometimes so he went and got the vacuum cleaners and she was vacuuming up and he was standing over her in shorts like this and it was just all kind of in an instant moment she just took took the vacuum cleaner and shoved it up his shorts. Like, it had that long sucker thing, you know? And it got a hold of the wrong thing. And I mean, it was... She was in charge. She had him. You know, there was this sense of power that came from that, you now? However, it wasn't. It was very short-lived because he pulled out the plug. You know? And that's a great illustration to me of what happens to me when I get into stuff like that. I get myself into a thing like that where I've got them where I want them, but I can't make them stay there. You know, if you've got their hearts and minds, well, whatever. Anyway, I mean, you know what I'm saying? That's a perfect illustration. You can't keep it there. It's exhausting. It's exhaustive. And it says in the book, here's what it says. In the book The Thing That Jumped Out at Me, it says, they do not drive by mandate. date they lead by example oh and that is so true with sponsorship you know i sponsor probably 45 women at least 45 when i haven't counted them lately but 45 women actively i mean i don't just say i sponsor them i actively sponsor them and i i know i have been through every stage of sponsorship you can imagine I have been through the the adolescent part of it when I was being sponsored where I stuck to my sponsors back like glue you know like wherever she went I was just right there you know and then and then I got into the rebellious years of adolescence you know where how bad she doesn't know what she's doing but but never that far from her either you know never wanting to let go entirely because God who knew what would happen and then we got to the the adult stage where there was a lot of respect and love and and accountability going on so I and I've been through the stages of sponsoring people you know When I was new in sponsorship, I was a timid sponsor. You know, I would say things like, you know, well, do see how it fits. I don't know. And my sponsor gave me the very best advice. You know if it is in your experience, share it. If it is not in your experienced, send them to somebody who has the experience. and I that's still the truth I have no experience with taking medicine I have no experience people who have religious conflict you know I will send I have experience with with incest and things like that so I send them to people I know have experienced with that with everyone's permission of course so I cannot drive by man they think on to follow me you ever i mean we've seen alcoholics who march off into the sunset and look back nobody's there you know they are driving by mandate they are not leading by example uh my best and and his sponsorship is exactly that way then in the second stages of sponsorship i was dictatorial i got i got a few pigeons and a bigger ego you know and i they all my little people were all like lined up like little ducks in a row you know they were all like this and and I you know I would just get I would just you know do this do that do this you don't get these thin blue lips you know and order them around and stuff and a bunch of fired me you know and I was rightly so so we cannot we can't drive by mandate we can it doesn't work the But the ship of state will not be captained by Queen. I love Clancy's analogy of AA being a boat, an alcoholic boat which is tied to the dock and it takes all of those ties to keep that boat to the docks in rough weather. you know that's that's it and we don't want to chop off any of the ties because if we do when a big bow comes is just going to blow us away you know and we that could very well happen to us so I don't want to cut off my meetings or my my at least weekly call I mean I've been sober 32 years and I still call my sponsor at least once a week five seven one eight three oh six five seven 18306 if you don't know your sponsor's phone number you're not using it often enough in my estimation but i think that's true it has nothing to do it has something to do with dependency or having someone tell you what to do you know something somebody needed to tell me what to because i had no earthly idea what to to do. Then, when I had been sober for a little while, I could start to have choices, have them. But I needed someone to help me make them, because of and by myself, I'll make a self-centered choice every time, and so forth and so on. So they fired me. And I got all upset and ego deflated in every single one of these traditions about ego deflation. They pumped up and they go, pfft, pumped up just like a fly. You know, you just get smashed. And that seems to be the way we have to live for a while. Then I got to the place where I, you know, gradually through the years am today. It doesn't mean I don't get mad and it doesn't mean that I don' make mistakes because I do. But it means that I can, I know I can fall back on this and I know that I could look at this about elder statesmen and bleeding deacons and realize if I'm being a bleeding deacon. Deacon. You know, I can look at this and see if I am a Bleeding Deacon or if I'm indeed leading by example. So that's, we're going to, now three, and we'll move along here. I promised I'd quit at 430 and oh, I got 45 minutes. I hope your butts last as long as I do. The only requirement from AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. To me, this This is a very, this keeps everything really, really simple. And in this it says, I go back to this sentence over and over again. What would the master do? I go Back to that sentence in that tradition over and over again, is it love or is it fear? Same thing, am I doing this out of fear or am I doing this Out of love? What are my motives? I didn't know a motive from a hole in the ground. I had three emotions when I came into AA, glad, sad and mad. That's all I knew. As a matter of fact, all my life I don't remember ever distinguishing again. I mostly was mad and sulky and all the things of mad that deprive you of my presence, that kind of thing. This thing keeps everything very simple. And I had a great story about simplicity and it was not too long ago that I thought about this. The entire program, this we know is basically the foundation is spiritual. It's the foundation of all of AA. It is a spiritual program. It is not a religious program. It is no a scientific program. program. It is not an intellectual program, thank the Lord, because we're all so brilliant. And I think we've washed away half our intellect by the time we get here. But one of the reasons that AA works is because it's a threefold approach. It's getting sober physically, It is trying to recover mentally by the actions of the steps, and it is healing spiritually. And I got better in that order. I got physically first and then started to get better a little bit emotionally. Then I got spiritually. I started getting better spiritually. I had gotten sick in the reverse order. I first gave up all spiritual thoughts. Then I got sick emotionally and finally my body gave out so like those are it's a threefold approach And so but it is basically a spiritual approach. It's the bottom line of it is spirituality The Psychoanalysis on the other hand is is I suppose it works for some people It never worked for me. I well in first place least I was never psychoanalyzed that might be some of the reason because but I did go to a shrink one time and told him that a guy in our building had jumped out the window and committed suicide on the pavement and this struck me as and he said that I I he said I had a death wish because I told him about this guy that jumped out The Window well it happened that day I mean I don't think I had A Death Wish I think it was news you know it was something beyond you know what I'm saying And when somebody makes a three-point landing outside of a six-story office building, it's news. And I mean, when you're looking out the window and there he is flat on the pavement, it pretty impresses itself on you. So I had told him this, and he said I had a death wish. But I got to thinking about that later on, that one of the reasons that psychoanalysis doesn't work really for us is because what they say is if you can figure out what's wrong with you if you can figure that out then you somehow by figuring out what wrong with mentally you can then return to normal drinking you can return to some sort of normalcy once and it our book says you know that self-knowledge availed us nothing and then it says we stood at the turning point which is a spiritual point but at any rate they say that well it's I thought of it in I'm an artist so I think in pictures and I'm thinking of myself he figures this cycling out this guy this psychiatrist says okay let's dig up your whole garden your garden being your psyche or whatever let's dig up your garden and see what making you function and when we get that all dug up and get that stuff out of the ground look at it then we'll be able to say what is wrong then we can fix it and put it back in there and then you can go out of here fixed I that's something I really wanted it's very tempting isn't it very tempting to get fixed instead of having to live day after day with this rotten personality you know just same old thing same old self-sacrifice having to do the same things to fix this same problem over and over again sounds real fancy it's easier softer way and the more expensive way but it's the easier software but here's what I figured I figured okay I could they dig up my garden and I don't know about you but I I have got a lot of grubs, lots of grub in my garden. More grubs than anything else. And here's my problem with my grubs. They're very interesting to me. They don't look any different from anybody else's grubs but they're my grub. So he'd dig them up and he'd say, here's your grubs! here's your grubs your mom your mom wore polka dot bloomers and your dad your dad was a doctor and an engineer and you felt less than at all it's a big grub big grup you know you were afraid of life because you had to meet up to these people you know and your sister she's so normal she makes you feel abnormal, you know. I mean, you can all do that. I mean we can all do that and I bet...