Patty H. – Steps 8-9 Amends – The Humility Of The Other Cheek – 2014

I need to read this. Please keep in mind that your conduct is a reflection on NA as a whole. If you are unable to conduct yourself in a responsible manner, you will be asked to leave. Appropriate attire must be worn in hallways and public areas at all times. Keep in mind, not everyone stays up all night. Please adhere to the hotel's quiet time hours, 11 p.m. to 8 a.m. Please keep the noise level in the rooms to a minimum. The committee has provided a hospitality suite for the convenience of the group gathering. Please smoke only in designated areas. To the press, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain our personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and film. If you are approached by a member of the media, direct them to the convention information table near registration. And our clarity statement, please keep your eyes open. If you are unable to conduct yourself in a responsible manner, please keep your eyes open. We are presented with a dilemma when NA members identify themselves as addicts or alcoholics or talk about living clean and sober. The clarity of the NA message is blurred. To speak in this manner suggests that there are two diseases, that one drug is somehow separate from the rest, requiring special recognition. Narconics Anonymous makes no distinction between drugs. Our identification as addicts is all inclusive, allowing us to concentrate on our similarities, not our differences. Please keep your eyes open. This workplace is for the community. Don't expect to be there to find out what the issues are, what the responsibilities are. This workplace is for the community. Don't expect to have access to all. Once it's done, always keep your attention suppressed there. Powerful growth possible within the organization and the community is all of your divine merit. We still have some thank you questions. Great day for the next session. Brew�에서 n βₙ prz спас rápidoits нашем for three years and eight months and some days. I don't want to get into giving her away, but I'm going to give you Mercedes Roletta Rogers. Thank you. I'm an addict. My name is Mercedes Roletta R. In the spirit of anonymity. I'm grateful to be here. And I want to thank my God for getting me here clean. And I hope you too are clean. If not, next time you come back, try to come back clean. In Narcotics Anonymous, staying clean must come first. I'd like to welcome any newcomers who are present and let you know that this program works in my life. It'll work for any addict with a desire to stop using and willingness to change. Thank you. And I'd like to thank ISMAC programming committee for asking me to come out and share my experience, strength, and hope. I count it an honor and a privilege to be asked to share in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous because that lets me know that somebody believes that I have something to say that will offer hope to somebody who may be feeling hopeless. And of course, it's always good to be home. I actually live in St. Louis, Missouri. But I am from Gary, Indiana. And that's just it. I am from Gary. That's it. Even though I live in St. Louis. What can I say? So I'm at home. You know what I'm saying? This is my convention. I'm an ISMAC-er. You know? I go to Smirk, though, but I'm an ISMAC-er, you know? And I'd like to ask that you all join me, those of you who engage in prayer, that you join me in a brief moment of prayer. 임wing oops jagf Sesikak and I guess I need to start by saying, you know, I've never openly shared my prayer that I pray before I share. And it was like last night, you know, the Spirit of my God, you know, was like, you know, I used to say, something said, it's not something, something don't talk to me anymore. You know, I have a loving and caring God, and it talks to me through my spirit. And the Spirit of my God started saying, you need to openly pray, because see, I have this thing about prayer. You know, I don't like for people to pray for me, I just like for them to pray with me. I want to know exactly what it is you're praying to your God for my life for. You know, you may be praying I get hit by a Mack truck. You know, I want to know what you're praying for, so we can, you know, be kind of trying to pray for the same thing, you know, strengthen that, you know. And it just did, so I did it. Anyway, making things right, steps eight and nine. Of course, you know, I believe in the literature, for those of you who know me, for those of you who don't, now you do know, I believe in the literature. And, of course, you know, I have to, you know, the steps are outlined so that honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are repetitive. You know what I'm saying? And, you know, like, the initial honesty that we get in the first step, just from, just from that first admission. You know, the powerlessness admission. You know, the unmanageability, that's the second admission. But all of that is just about getting honest. You know, because my life was unmanageable long before I admitted that I was powerless over my addiction. Long before I knew I had a quote-unquote addiction. You know, I was already powerless and unmanageable. Real simple stuff. But I had to get honest about that. Not for you, not for membership in Narcotics Anonymous, but for me. Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. experiences I had, those of you who were the somebodies who were helping me with my drug problem, y'all wasn't there. You know, when I was in those dark alleys, y'all wasn't present. So even though you all could help me with my drug problem, I needed something more powerful than the sum total of all of you all combined to help me with my life, with my ultimate problem, myself. Okay? Y'all could help me with my drug problem. But it's going to take something more powerful than y'all to deal with the ultimate problem, you know? And I had to get introduced to a God, you know, and become willing in the third step to depend, to rely on that God to at least help me or take care of my drug problem. You understand what I'm saying? Until I got past the third step, all I had was a drug problem. Hell, no addiction? What is that? I mean, that's the... That's what I'm supposed to say because I'm a member of this fellowship by now based on my desire, you know, but I got a drug problem. Then I took a fourth step. And I got introduced to my ultimate problem, you know? And I come to realize what addiction was about. It was about needing to eat cookies to not feel the shame from being incested when I was five. You know what I'm saying? I was able to understand then that it wasn't about my drug problem. It was about my ultimate problem, you know? And in the fourth step, I got honest at a deeper level. You know, I had to sink down in honesty and become a little more comfortable with it, okay? And move on into a fifth step, you know, and check this out. The fifth step says we admitted to God. To ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. And check this out. In keeping with my topic for today, making things right, steps eight and nine, that's exactly the order that I need to be practicing the spiritual principles of steps eight and nine in. God, myself, and other human beings, okay? But... I'm gonna break that. I'm gonna break that. And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... At a deeper level. And say, somebody needs to know this. I need to tell this to somebody other than God. I need to tell it to a human being. You know, and become open minded to the point where I actually did it. And so, unconditional acceptance in the eyes of my sponsor. Now, I'm not an addict who has ever taken a fifth step. step with anybody who was not sponsoring me. That's not to say that if you do it, something wrong with what you do. You are allowed to do anything you want to do in Narcotics Anonymous. In fact, when I was a newcomer, all that mess like I be hearing in the room, don't do this, can't do that. My predecessors didn't beat me with that. They was like, do anything you want to do. But check this out. Don't use when the fallout come and notice the fallout is going to come. And I did exactly that. So, in the sixth step, I have to become willing at a deeper level. And check this out. The sixth step talks about we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Don't you know it takes intense willingness you know what I'm saying to allow God to take dishonesty that has kept you with cigarette fair out of your life. It takes intense willingness to allow God to become ready, entirely ready to go to work when all you did was prostitute. To get your money. It takes intense willingness to go to the store and buy something with cash money that you have earned from this job that didn't involve laying down and reeling up under a man. You know what I'm saying? Instead of stealing it. It takes intense willingness for that. So I had to sink down in willingness in the sixth step. Then in the seventh step I had to get just a little more honest and when it came to my shortcomings I had to remember that even though my sponsor wasn't there even if I thought God wasn't watching me for just that moment that I was there and I would know. And I had to get honest at a deeper level and say to myself self Do you want to act like this? act like that and then I had to answer myself self just sometimes but check this out growth is not measured based on perfection it's measured based on progress so sometimes beat the hell out of all the time and I don't want to act like that all the time no more so I was getting better okay and I got honest about the fact that some of the things that some of the cracks in my belt I like them you know I don't see them all as being totally defective I can look for the good in my defects you know what I'm saying and act out on them on a regular yeah hey this really helps me you know this person needed that good cussing out because they'd be out of order all the time and somebody needed to put them in check and God used me so so so when I make it to the eighth step and of course for those of you who have yet to take this journey who have yet to embark on the journey step all without taking your in thełbym path. They've got money you have to combination not as a result three of them going shopping and buying diamonds and going road musicians going going around theiding themselves and not missing out in fact internet off and even paid you at the convention not as a result of going shopping and buying diamonds and going to a parent's house not as a result of going to church going shopping and buying diamonds and gold and driving big fancy cars. But as a result of these steps, in Narcotics Anonymous, there's only one way. Now, this is in the literature. And for those of you who don't believe it, find it. It's in there. It's the reason to read your basic text. There's only one way, and that's the NA way. And the NA way is through the 12 steps. That's the goal, is to have hair. Okay? Anyway, so, by the time I make it to the eighth step, you know, I get this list, you know. You find these lists as you go through the steps. And in the fifth step, I get this list, you know, that has a whole lot of things on it that I didn't even talk about as I shared my fifth step, you know. And the reason why. Because mostly what's on this list is a whole lot of spiritual things that I didn't even know I had. I didn't know I had that. I didn't know that just the mere fact that I was taking a fifth step with a sponsor meant that I was courageous. Man, I have courage? How did I get that? I don't know. But I'm going to try to find out so I can keep it when I need it. You know, use it when I need it anyway. But anyway. I got this list in the eighth step. And it has these people and these places and these institutions, you know, that I have harmed. Not the ones that harmed me. My uncle wasn't on that list. And, you know, I struggle with victimization. Because there was a time in my life that I truly was. You know what I'm saying? And there's nothing. Sexy, about a four-year-old to an adult male. At least there should not be. And check this out. To any reasonably emotionally and psychologically healthy adult male, they don't find four-year-old girls sexually attractive. So there was nothing wrong with me. As a four-year-old. Right? But what I did have on the list was, a whole lot of direct results of taking out on you what my uncle did. Had a whole lot of him on there. And in that, I had to become open-minded that I had harmed some people. But everything that I did to everybody wasn't based on the fact that they deserved it. I didn't like that part. Because that meant then I had to take responsibility. I had to step up to the plate, now that I had discovered there was actually a plate. I had to step up to it and take my turn. And in my eighth step, missed. You know, I had to take my turn. I got these people, these institutions, these places, you know, that I have caused harm to. And it's like in our literature, it works out in the step section. It talks about we didn't just lie, we lied to someone. We didn't just steal, we stole from people. You know what I'm saying? So now I got to put down these JCPenney's and places I've been stealing. I don't want to do that. And check this out. You know, there was no way that I knew the names of all the guys that I had prostituted myself to. So I thought, you know, and then we had those nameless and faceless men, you know, that it talks about. And I was like, I can just lump all of them in there and be cool. My spouse was like, I don't think so. The ones whose names you do remember. If you remember his car, I bet you remember his car. If you don't remember his name, I was like, you're right. Put his car down. Put his car down. So I had to put cars on my step leg. Well, I mean. And because I operated from that. You know, I identified, you know, a quote unquote trick by his vehicle. You know, I mean. Anyway. So, anyway. So, I had. Vehicles down. Yeah. Places. You know, parts of town where I participated in misbehavior daily. You know what I'm saying? I would be out sometime in the morning. Little kids are on their way to school. That was not good. Okay. So, I had to become willing now. I'm in a nice step. And now. I have to become willing at a deeper level. To correct this stuff. To make this right. You know. And when I started getting in touch with the fact that I had actually made it wrong. I had to take on the responsibility of making it right. And the first wrong that I needed to start setting right was when I separated. I had to separate. I had to separate myself from my creator. When I separated myself from God. You know, the triangle of self-obsession says that all human beings go through some developmental things. And we, of course, go up to the side when everybody else is still going around a triangle. We make it a square. Of course. So, you know. And it talks in that IP about all human beings develop some sort of reliance on a power greater than themselves. At some point, as a little girl, I used to have one. I had a God that I believed in and that I prayed to. And I prayed those immediate prayers. Like, God, please don't let my uncle come pick me up for Sunday school in the morning. Because I don't want to have to do what I always have to do after church. So, I had a God then. And check this out. Even though I prayed and nothing changed, doesn't mean that God didn't hear me. Because one day, my uncle didn't come get me for Sunday school. And I didn't have to do what I always had to do after church. Okay? I just had to be patient and wait. So, I had to first start there. And, you know, the process. And it's like we talk in the rooms about the recovery process happens in the opposite of the way that the relapse process works. You know, we first recover physically. You know, if you just don't put the poison in your system, you know, your urine clears up a little. Your complexion clears up. The texture of your hair and nails, they begin to change. Your skin tone changes. You know, you look like flesh. You know, you look like flesh. You know? You look like flesh. You know? You know? And then, you know, it's like the next thing that begins the healing process is your emotions. Because you come to these meetings every day for at least the first 90 days and we hug you. Many different people hug you. We hug you at your first meeting, even before you've taken your first shower. We let you drink our coffee. And we tell you to come back. Your emotions. How long has it been since somebody unconditionally accepted you? It has been a long time for me. So, you know, your emotions begin to heal because you be feeling this stuff all down in your gut. You be like, what is that? You know, why do I feel that when they say that come back thing? You know, you ain't know what I'm saying. They say that come back thing, it makes me feel something. But I think I'll go to the doctor and say, you know, I'm going to go to the doctor. I'm going to go to the doctor. I'm going to go to the doctor. I'm going to go to the doctor. I'm going to go to the doctor. I'm going to go to the doctor. I'm going to go to the doctor. You know that. Then you get hooked up with a sponsor. And through the process of the steps, you get hooked up to the proper juice, you know, of God. And your spirit begins to heal. You know what I'm saying? Because God puts all these different ministers in your life. You know what I'm saying? You go to a meeting. If it's 50 people in the meeting, it's 50 ministers. And they minister to your wounded spirit. See, because that's where the ache and the pain and the hurt comes from. You know what I'm saying? Really, it's in the spirit. You know, we just try to medicate it in the flesh. So, here we go. I'm in the ninth step and, you know, people are loving me. And I'm taking a shower every day two or three times. It gets so good. You know, and I get my little hair done. And I polish my nails. And, you know, somebody actually invites me out for coffee after the meeting. They're offering me a ride in their car. They don't want to have sex with me either. I am really getting down now. So, as a result of that, you know, I begin this healing process. And I have to take ownership for the fact that it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything to me. And I should not have taken out on you what I took out on you. You know, and I was like three and four. You know, you can't do that to me. And for those of you who've been clean less than, I will say eight years in North West Indiana, you know, all you all got of me was the gravy. You all didn't get the sludge at the bottom. My predecessors, they got all of me. You all just got the gravy. And the reason I say that is because I'm two, three, and even sometimes four. You know, I'm a woman. You is clean. You know, and I, you know, it was nothing for me to call a man a bitch. Right in the middle of a meeting if he pissed me off. You know, I'd be like, bitch, who you talking to? You know, you lost your fucking mind. You know what I'm saying? I'm no even change. I'm as much woman as you are man. And I came from that. You know what I'm saying? And I know that God made men physically stronger than me. And they could have whooped me, but they respected me too much to whoop me. And then plus, my big brothers in recovery. And my big brother was with the rules there, so they confessed to me. Anyway, so, but that's how ill I was. And I acted out that illness literally. I am not exaggerating at all. You know what I'm saying? If some brother, he need to hush. I ain't never called him out his name. But if some brothers, you know, if some brothers that I had to really, I had to really go to and make amends to in the rooms for calling them bitches and stuff, publicly, had no shame, wanted a whole lot of people to hear it. You know what I'm saying? They just degrade and denigrate and tear down. Because that's how I was. I was shamed. I was torn down. You know what I'm saying? And the healing process in Narcotics Anonymous, by the time you have gotten to the ninth step family, we call that the end of the cleansing and release steps. But check this out. The cleansing starts up at four. You know, when you start that second dip down into honesty. Okay? The cleansing starts there. The release happens after the first step. The release happens after you get to a certain point in your ninth step. And the reason I don't say you have completed your ninth step is because the literature says we never completed. It's an ongoing step. But check this out. We never complete any of the steps because the 12th says this is just the beginning. Okay? But it's specifically stated in the ninth step because, you know, it's like our predecessors knew that, you know, we don't even knew. We just weren't going to be able to contact everybody we were going to meet. We just weren't going to contact everybody we had did something to and needed to make amends to. And we can't do it all at once. We have to do it a little at a time. You know, but the most important thing that I have to remember when it comes to the amends step in my life today is that humility is of the essence. Now check this out. If I am not humble in the beginning, I am going to suffer some measure of humiliation. I still got to go back, make it right, and apply steps eight and nine to it. Okay? So it takes a greater measure of humility when I come back around at it than it would have taken in the onset. I could have just been humble in the beginning, not caused the harm, and everybody would have been quote unquote okay. But I didn't. I caused the harm. Got the humiliation. And see, check this out. The humiliation is not always public. Sometimes the humiliation is self-contained. I feel so ashamed of myself for doing it again. Girl, are you ever going to get better? And if so, when? You know, you share all over the country. You sponsor women in three or four different states. And you act like this? What kind of example are you? What kind of example are you for the newcomer for real? This is what I'm saying to myself. I don't dare to let you all see me like that, right? I'm on image patrol. I got an image to uphold in this fellowship. But check this out. That may sound comical, but that's the reality of it. As a substantially clean attic. As a member who has been clean for a substantial amount of time. I do have an image to uphold in this fellowship. I am supposed to uphold my best self for all who behold me. In case I'm standing before the illiterate attic and the only basic text he or she gets to read is me. I do have an image to uphold. I am supposed to have gotten better. Providing I've been doing the work. And I can't stand before you proudly and say I've been through the steps a number of times. Then the evidence of such should be obvious to those who see me. Including my shortcomings. It's not like I've become perfect. You know what I'm saying? I went from cussing somebody out every day to now I very rarely curse anybody out. But I still win. It's just rare that I do it. I have gotten better. I have not gotten perfect. And I try real hard not to let people see me when I'm falling short. And the only way I can do that is to try real hard not to be falling short. Okay? Um. So in keeping with the spirit of humility. I began the releasing portion. Right? You know. And then of course steps 10, 11, and 12 take us into the next level of honesty. You know I got to look at myself today, right now. What am I doing? Because see what step 9 has done it has released me from the past. I no longer have to treat the men in my life today like the uncle from my past. They no longer have to pay for his illness. Okay? I have been released. I have been, check this out, set free. You know what I'm saying? And that's our goal, freedom. Right? And check this out. The symbol says the broader the base, the wider the size of the pyramid, the higher the point of freedom. And by the time I have got to step 9. I have got to step nine. I've got a broad base. I've got more than just what we call foundation steps. I've got the meaty potatoes in my life. You know what I'm saying? I can stand on something and know that it ain't going to sink. I ain't in question. I don't doubt this no more. I know I can get better because the evidence has been held up before me. And then the 11th step causes me to go to greater open-mindedness. You know, the 11th step is the only place in our leadership where we are referred out of the fellowship. Did you notice that? We're actually getting referred beyond Narcotics Anonymous for those of us who think we can find everything we need in this fellowship. And then the 12th step takes me to my greatest capacity when it comes to willingness. You know, be willing to come in here and honestly tell somebody how you are. You know, be willing to come in here and honestly tell somebody how you are. You know, be willing to come in here and honestly tell somebody how you are. When ain't nobody looking. And help somebody. And then this is where the gift, the gift of recovery is that when I am willing to do that, I get healed. Another wound of my own gets healed. You know what I'm saying? And let me just, in closing, I would like to tell you that the God in my life is so awesome that not only does he heal. The wound. You know, he don't just help you take the knife out. Because I came in the room, there was a knife still sticking in my spirit. Sticking out of my spirit. God helped take the knife out, helped the blood to coagulate, my spiritual blood, so it could clatter up. Okay. And then the wound began to heal. You know what I'm saying? And then I don't care what kind of surgical precision a surgeon uses. After the healing has taken place, there's a surgery. There's a surgery. There's a scar, right? I've got a God that's so awesome, he'll even remove the scar. So that there's no even evidence that the wound ever was there before. So for those of you who are new in the rooms, I'd like to ask you to keep coming back. Believe that this program works in my life. It'll work for any addict with a desire to stop using and willingness to change. For those of you who were here when I got here, please keep coming back. Because you all are the evidence of the things that I hope to become. Thanks for allowing me to share and I'll keep coming back. Thank you. Thank you. At this time, I would like to have Jessica come up and introduce our next speaker. Hi, everybody. I'm an addict named Jessica. Grateful to be here. Grateful to be clean. And it's an honor and a privilege to introduce our next speaker. I've known Patty since I first got clean about eight and a half years ago. And she's a great person. She's a great person. She's a great person. She is truly a woman of honor and really carries herself well in recovery. I watched her go through many trials and tribulations in recovery and walk through it with her head held high. And she's a perfect example of what happens when we work the steps and we practice principles in all our affairs. And I get choked up because I love her so much. And without further ado, here's Patty H. Hi, my name is Patty, and I'm an addict. I'm grateful to be here. Grateful to be clean. Mercedes, you were awesome. Thank you so much. You touched my heart. You touched my spirit. And, you know, it's kind of funny because I thought I was speaking in the Mercedes room. I tell Rob. You know, I'm like, okay, where's the Mercedes room, you know? And I'm like, walk it around here. Go all the way down. And Jessica says to me, she goes, no, you're speaking in this room. But I thought it was called the Mercedes room. And then you're Mercedes, you know? It's just like wild, you know? Because you know what? It was your room, you know what I mean? And you touched my heart, and thank you. You know, and thanks to the ISNAC convention for allowing me to share as well. And there's not much more to say because she is, you know, she had the opportunity to speak. She had a hit today with the ninth step. But I'll share my experience with these steps, you know? And, you know, first and foremost, I'd like to, you know, thank God, you know, because I'm clean today and that I'm here to share with you and celebrate this convention because it is an honor. You know, it's an honor, you know, just to be, wake up clean, you know, to wake up knowing there's a better way of life, you know, to wake up knowing that, you know, today I'm going to get with these girls and Rob and show up at this convention and, you know, and celebrate. You know, I had the honor of celebrating another clean birthday, clean date. On March 3rd, I got 17 years, and I'm grateful for that, you know? And I honor you for making that possible because if there were no you, there would be no 17-year celebration here, okay? You know, I mean, and, you know, and I am a proud member of NARC. I believe in this way of life. You know, I believe that we can grow, we can change, we can recover, you know, and, but, you know, like we heard earlier, only through these steps. You know, it's not going to happen any other way, you know, and, you know, making things right, you know. You know, I have, you know, worked this program in interesting ways, no doubt. You know what I mean? And, you know. And it's living and learning, you know. I didn't know, you know. I mean, when I was out there using, you know, I didn't think I ever, you know, I'm not doing anything wrong, you know. I'm not hurting you. How is that hurting you, you know? I mean, I was always then, you know, what's your problem? You know, I mean, how, you know, I could never figure out what was my, why was me, you know, how was I affecting you, you know, so much? You know, how was I hurting you? You know, why is my drug use? Why is my behavior, you know? I mean, I'm all right, you know what I mean? But, you know, as I've come to know in Narcotics Anonymous is, you know, especially seeing me and all of you, you know what I mean, and being a sponsor, you know what I'm saying, and really seeing me, you know what I mean? And, you know, realizing that, you know, I'm looking out and you're looking at, okay? That's the big thing. See, you know, now I'm looking out of me, but I'm trying to convince you, this is outrageous sort of nonsense, you know what I mean? And you're looking at me and going, uh-huh, uh-huh, keep coming back, you know, let's get with step two, let's look at this, you know, and I'm like, oh, okay. I realize, you know what I mean, that, you know, we see each other, we hear each other, we help each other, you know, and it's through the identification, you know, that I found out listening to other members sitting in the rooms talk about the pain that, you know, I was hearing what my mom was saying. Okay? You know, that they couldn't believe that they hurt their families or they hurt their friends. Oh, I hurt my family too, I guess then, you know? They weren't lying to me, all right? They weren't just trying to make my life, you know, like one more problem, you know what I mean? I really realized that through others sharing their experience, strength, and hope, and innocently, you know what I mean? Just innocently sharing and how it was hitting nerves with me, you know, that, wow, I did that too. And how could I do that to my daughter? And, oh, my God. How could I, you know, I mean, I remember the first four-step that I did, you know, the real thorough one, you know, and, you know, I mean, I did a few before, you know, but the real gut level on us, you know, I better either do this four-step or die thing, you know what I mean? And I got in touch with some stuff, you know, and I got in touch with the fact that, you see, I had this baby, right? And when I had this baby, I made a decision to tell the father to get lost. Okay? That I didn't want to be a part of that, you know? And there's more to the story, but, you know, let's cut it short. And the reality is, is as I'm writing this four-step, I'm realizing that, you know, wow, you know, that was really wrong, you know what I mean? That was really wrong what I did. Not only did I deprive this man of a daughter, you know, but I deprived this daughter of a father, you know? And all through my self-centered, self-seeking, self-obsessed, ways, you know what I mean? I made some decisions that, you know, it wasn't going to be like, you know, in a couple minutes over, you know? You know what I mean? That these people, this man, wherever he's at, because I've never been able to contact him, you know, is knowing that somewhere there's this daughter who is now 21 and a half years old, you know what I mean? And then there's this daughter that I have who never had the honor or the privilege of having a father, you know? And has a little... A hole in her soul as a result of that, you know what I mean? And I am the one that did this. My choice, okay? My choice, you know? I'm not hurting anybody. This is the best thing for the whole situation. I know everything, you know what I mean? But you know what? Never did I know that one day I was going to be doing a four-step, you know what I mean? And I was going to have to write this stuff down, you know? And take a look at myself, you know? But thank God for that. Thank God for that. Because I'm telling you, you know, when I wrote that... I mean, I was like, oh my God. At first it was like, you know, I've got to fix this right now. I mean, I write the sentence down. I write the saga down. I'm on the phone with my sponsor. And I'm saying, sponsor, sponsor, this is what's happening here. You know what I mean? I've got to call this guy. I've got to say I'm sorry. You know? I've got to fix it. You know? And she's like, whoa, settle down. Wait a minute, you know? She said... If you feel the same way next week, then make the call. Okay? Because there's a lot of emotion in writing a fourth step. There's a lot of emotion when you take those sheets down and take a look at yourself. You know? There's a lot of fear. There's a lot of anxiety. There's a lot of, wow, really? You know what I mean? You know, denial, you know, is a core component of this disease. You know, that we have. That is never, you know, going away either. You know what I mean? And, you know, in this part of denial, what I have found out is that, you know, it helped me a great deal to stay clean. Okay? You know, that when they say more will be revealed, you are going to be prepared for the revelation. You know what I mean? And so you have to, you know, go through this thing more. I didn't know I was prepared for this. You know what I mean? But I was getting prepared to deal with this stuff. You know? And, you know, when I, when I, when I, when that hit, when that emotion hit me, you know, and I took a look at my life, I was like, you know, and I didn't make the phone call, but I was able to put it down on paper. My amends, making that right, was not to have unprotected sex anymore. Okay? The amend that I had to make to my daughter was to, you know, of course, see what I found out as a result of this, I'm getting scared for a second. But what I found out as a result is that a lot of these things that I did, you know, I'm going to have to look at my life. I'm going to have to look at my life. I'm going to have to learn to live with. Okay? They're not going away. That's my point. Is that I'm going to have to do something, make the amend to myself because I can't kill myself over this. I can't beat myself up over this. I can't use over this. You know? What I have to do is find a way that I can learn to live with myself comfortably, responsibly, and productively with this. Okay? So what do you do? You know what I mean? You know, I make, I make some rules for myself. Okay? You don't have unprotected sex. Okay? Maybe you don't have sex out of relationships. Okay? You know, to my daughter, you know, be available. You know, be available to whatever you want to do. I will stand behind you 100%. You want to find this guy? We'll find him. You want to do this and that. But what I can't do is make it okay. Okay? And I have to accept that. When she's 14 years old and one day we're at an NA dance and she's like, hey, let's do this. Let's do this. Let's do this. And she was kind of crabby. You know what I mean? And we come home and I'm like, Megan, what's up? What's the matter? You know? And she's like, nothing. You know? And I'm like, well, what's the matter? You look like there's something wrong. Why are you asking me that? I go, because you look that way. You look like there's something bothering you. You know, is there something going on? And she said, I just don't know why you didn't even marry that guy. You know what I mean? And she goes, you know, you know, and she went after me. You know? And she said, she said to me, I don't know why you didn't do that. Do you know how it feels not to have a father? Well, guess what, guys? I have a father. You know? And guess what I don't know? I don't know what it feels like not to have a father. Okay? So, you know, I had to say to this girl, no. No. I don't know what that feels like. I said, but there's nothing I can do about it. I said, and she went there at me like a bite me on the neck kind of a thing. You know? And I was like, whoa. And you know what? I had to do? I had to allow her that freedom. You know? I didn't have to say, how ungrateful are you? You know? I mean, I have been a single parent, and I have done this and that, and I am clean, and I am a member of NA, and you know, I mean, all this stuff. Don't you know who I am? You know? And, you know, and it's like, no. I have to say, you know, I have to go, okay. And, you know, I don't want to bring the Bible into this, but, you know, I had to turn the other cheek. You know what I mean? Because she whacked me. You know what I mean? And I had to allow her. And you know what? Thank God for NA. Thank God for these steps. Because as a result of that humility, you know what I mean? Because humility is just to be me, just to be who I am. And this is just where it's at, and this is what happened, and this is the facts. You know? And I've got to accept this. You know? She went into her room, you know, and I went in, you know, and I cried. You know what I mean? It's deserving guilt. You know what I mean? You know, if I could have done things differently, I would have. But you know what? I didn't. You know? I've got to live with it. There's a little cross that I bear, and I'm willing to carry that cross clean. Okay? And so as I go and I wake up the next morning, she's jumping into my bed, you know, saying, I love you, Mom. I'm sorry. You know? I didn't mean what I said. I go, you are courageous. You know? You did mean what you said, and it's okay. You know? I'm really proud of you for being able to get with that. You know? Because that's where she was at. You know? That's where she was at. The amend there, you know, was that. You know? That I made it right that way. Because we didn't have those conversations anymore. Do you know that? You know? She didn't come to me with that anymore. She understood all of a sudden that, you know what? That was life. This is our life. This is the way God wanted it, evidently. This is the way that it is. Yes, I was the creator for a second. But, you know, this is what we got. We'll work with it. You know? And today, like I said, she's 21, going on 22. And she's... This is her path now. You know? I mean, this is... You know, it's not about me. You know? It's about her. And so that was one intense thing that I had to make right. I had to make a lot of things right. I tried to make amends too soon sometimes. You know? When I got clean. Okay? When I got clean, I'll tell you. You know? I was really silly. You know what I mean? I was just like, okay, here I am. I'm clean today. You know? And, you know, I wanted... I wanted everyone to forgive me. I wanted everyone to understand. You know? And these people, you know, after 14 years of active addiction, you know, they knew the drill. You know what I mean? So they were like, uh-huh. You know? And I remember going to a meeting crying because I want, you know, I want everyone to forgive me. And this guy in the kitchen by the coffee machine said to me, he said, you know what? They're going to forgive you when they do. Okay? You know? You know? I go, well, they don't even believe me. And they said, well, you know. Yeah. They'll believe you when they do. Okay? But do you believe you? Do you know that this time this is what you want and you're clean? I said, yeah. Because that's all that matters. Because everything else. So I had to realize that my feet were going to do the talking from now on. No more was this what was coming out of my mouth trying to convince them that I was clean. No more. I'm the most outrageous sort of nonsense. Because they were confused. You know? I mean, I had the same drill. But, you know, now I'm really in NA. You know what I mean? And I really am recovering. You know? You know, I'm not lying now. You know? And it's like they want to go there. And I'm like, well, don't you know? I mean, I'm telling you the truth. You know? Yeah, right, right, right, right, right. You know? I mean, I'd come home and mother would be smelling me. You know? I mean, no one wants to give me their car. You know? I'm like, what's up with that? I'm clean. I'm in recovery. I'm in NA. You know? Nope. And so it was a process is my point. And these steps, you know, are so necessary for us to get into this process and to get to this point. You know? We can't be somewhere before it's time. You know? We try to. And you know what? It's back to the drawing board trying to create a new situation. You know? And it's just, it's time. You know? It takes time. You know? And it's the third step. Turn in our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand him. Trusting that he's going to manage and supervise our life and he's going to present us with situations. We don't have to go and find those situations. Okay? You know? I mean, we have to keep walking and showing up. But, you know, he's going to, you know, when it's time to make that amend, he's going to put that person right there. Okay? And then we're going to be faced with a dilemma at that crossroads one more time. Do I go there? Do I not? You know what I mean? But you know what? It's going to happen. You know? Because we cannot. We cannot be. We cannot procrastinate and we can't hurry. You know? Because that's what it says. We have to be prompt. You know? We have to be there, available. Let God move us through this. And he will. You know? I mean, I don't know how many times, I mean, that people have made amends. Let me tell you the funniest. I just moved. I bought my first house the other day. Oh, right. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. I mean, life is good. And talk about, blow my mind. Because, I mean, I just walked, you know? And it just happened, you know? It was just really like. You know? And I thank God, you know? And anyway, I was packing, right? You know? Getting all my stuff together. And I got my N.A. paraphernalia box here. And I got the, you know, this and that. And I look. And I've been talking about this letter forever. When I was new, a year clean, you know? I got clean on the East Coast. Then I moved to Illinois, Chicago. When I had over a year. Because they said no major changes in a year. I believed them, you know? And I didn't, you know? I moved after the year. I came back here, you know? And then. And then. And then I'm there. And I'm not there a month. And I get this letter from California. From this guy named Rick B. Okay? Well, I don't even. You know? I open up this letter. And it's an amends letter. This guy's making an amends to me. Like, I'm an addict and alcoholic. He says on this thing. You know? From California. And da-da-da. And I've changed my life. And he writes me this letter. Right? I read this letter. And I'm like, wow. This is for real. These people really do this stuff. They really write these letters. And they've done. I'm out. You know what I mean? And this guy sends me this letter. And the funniest thing is. Is I don't know how he harmed me. Okay? I have no idea how this man harmed me. You know? I mean, I'm like, well, what happened? I wonder. You know? Did he try to get me or something? You know? Did I not know? Was I. You know? I mean, somewhere else. You know? I mean. And. But it's kind of funny. And that was the tone for these amends. That it doesn't matter. Really, to the other person. It's so much about us. You know? It's so much about me doing that. We make amends. Guess what? Guess the biggest reason why is. Because we owe them. You know what I mean? Real simple stuff. You know? We make the amends. Because we've done the wrong. And we clean it up. And then we're on our merry way. We can't. We can't worry about them accepting them. We can't worry about them. You know? Saying, don't worry about it. You know what I mean? Or. Or. Or. Or get pulled into their. You know? Codependency or whatever. You know? And saying, well, you were fine. It really wasn't that bad. You were pulling your hair out. Come on. I know it. You know? And. You know, like my mother. You know? I mean, I was her favorite soap opera for years. You know what I mean? And next thing I know. You know? She's like. You know? She's like. And she was fighting mad a lot of times with me. You know? And now she wants to blame herself. You know? I'm like, mom. Believe me. This thing is bigger than both of us. Okay? You know? You had no control over it. You know? I'm just sorry that I put you through this stuff. And. You know? And I promise to be the best daughter that I can possibly be today. You know what I mean? And. And that's what it's about. It's about really the humility in this. In the. That we gain from the seventh step. Knowing who we are. Through that fourth and fifth. You know? Accepting who we are. And knowing that we have these traits. These defects of character. That. Excuse me. Are never going away. You know? We are going to practice a different way of life. And that is what. You know? That is the miracle here. You know? That is the gift. That happens in that sixth step. Is that we get the willingness. Just like we're addicts. You know? We have drug problems when we use. Okay? But when we don't use. We don't have the problem. Okay? So. But we do have a problem. That we have this disease. And it's about obsession and compulsion. Okay? So. You know? Just like. You know? If I pick up. I'm going to get caught up again. If I pick up on this defect. I'm going to get caught up again. But I'm still capable of it. Just like I'm still capable of using. Okay? So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. But it's still there. You know what I mean? It's just. I'm choosing to practice a different way of life. Choosing to practice. Because. You know what? There's. There's like no professionals here. None. Okay? You know what I mean? No one gets. You know. To be the professional. And they're. You know. They've arrived. You know. We're all. A day. At a time. Practicing a new way of life. Okay? Okay. We get up in the morning. And we have to practice again. You know? And. And that's why. That's why people with time. who get to stay, you know what I mean? Because they practice, you know what I mean? They don't go and take a vacation or get their honors, they're in Gold Watch and leave, you know what I mean? So they stick and stay, you know, and they do what the newcomers do. Because there's no difference between the newcomer and I. We are the same. We're addicts and we're trying this new way of life, and we've got to practice these principles. Some of us have more experience in practicing. Okay, just practicing. But at any given moment, you know, you can forget the drill, you know? You know what I'm saying? So you've got to stay focused, you know? And I think what I want to say more than anything is that if we forget, you know, that this disease is progressive, you know what I mean? I don't care how long I've been clean. 17 years is a great time, but guess what? The disease has progressed 17 years too because it ain't going nowhere, all right? So I've got to stay firm in my conviction, you know? And that's what these steps do. They keep us firm in our conviction. You know, they keep us focused. You know, the 10th step, you know, after this, the 9th step when we make these amends, you know, because we owe them, and it's never ending like we already heard, you know, the reality is that we have a 10-step checklist, you know what I mean? Because we've got to keep in check with ourselves now because, you know, I mean, because we know who we are. We know our disease. We know our shortcomings. We know how we can be. So we have to be committed to putting this stuff down on paper because the awareness is so important. When I talk about denial earlier, what is so good about our denial and so bad about our denial, and I guess that's where I got lost for a second, is that this. If that denial is broken before it's time, we will die of exposure. That is what will happen. So it has to be a process. We have to get strong enough, spiritually fit enough to do a 9th step. We try to make this 9th step before it's time, make these amends before we really know what the exact nature of our wrong was in that, before we know, you know, are we doing it and we're still mad at that person, you know what I mean? It's about forgiveness. It's about forgiveness. Right. You know? And what is the greatest thing from this step? It's about being totally about love and service. You know what I mean? Because if I'm not copping attitudes and I'm this and that, some guy kissed me on my cheek when I came in here today. I'm going to tell you the story. I'm telling you, I got madder than hell, you know? I thought you don't even know me to kiss me on my cheek, you know what I'm saying? And I felt violated. And I mean it came like a firecracker in me. Boom, you know, it's like how dare that son of a gun, you know, kiss me on my cheek. Who does he think he is, you know what I mean? And, you know, I mean, I got furious for a second, you know? And I mean, and I raved in that elevator, you know? And I said, you know, because you know what? That's not okay. You know what? I got boundaries today. That stuff will make me, you know, isolate and separate from you, you know? I mean, come on, you know? I mean, we can hug. We can love each other unconditionally. There's some friends that can kiss me on my cheek. But I don't know you. You know what I mean? Right. You know what I mean? Right. And it's like how dare you do that to me. And I felt really, really vulnerable. And I felt used in a second. And I know it sounds like ridiculous. But you see, I know that there are certain things in my life, you know, that I can't have. You know what I mean? I don't like and I cannot allow. I got to teach you how to treat me because, you know what? Otherwise, I'm going to have to go somewhere else. And I ain't going nowhere. So I'm going to be courageous enough, you know? And I'm going to have to meet with this guy and say, you know what? Hugs are great from you and everything else. But no kissing me on the cheek, okay? I mean, I just don't like that. You know what I mean? It makes me uncomfortable. You know, if I knew you, it would be a different story. Right. But I felt used, you know what I mean, for a second. I know it sounds corny. But that's how I feel. You know what I mean? I didn't like it. I felt disrespected, you know? And you can't disrespect me today, only if I let you. Right. You see? I don't want any of those resentments or being a victim or any of that other stuff. You know what? I don't want to be a victim today. Okay. You know? I mean, and I don't want to reenact my childhood. And I don't want to reenact my teenage years. And I don't want to even reenact my early recovery. You know what I mean? There's no way I'm that. So I know I got to constantly change. And when I'm aware of these things and they're going to hit me like I'm going to blow like that, I got to do something about it. Do I want to do something about it? Do I want to? Because you know what? I will do something. I will just do something. I'm mix of LAVB and MDL. And that happened to me. You know what I mean? Why do I do this? Why do I do this? Because you know what? I tell the story now. I tell the story now, and then, but sometimes there are many fair ways of telling the story. Many in my family members told me that that happened to them to ye. And I want to be real brutt. And I want to make a story because all I tell them about them. I want to be authentic with you. I want you everyday. I want you today. I want you everywhere. And I really want to tell you about up to a person that started out as someone that did different things. going down there, okay? Because it bothered me, because I cannot afford the luxury of isolating myself or separating myself from any one of you, okay? And that's why I've got to teach you how to treat me and let you know who I am and what I can handle and what I can't handle, and you know what, and whether you like me or not afterwards, oh well, you know what I mean? But this is how it is for me, you know? I mean, you know, a lot of people know me, and I've shared it for years, a lot of people know me, and I know a lot of people. I will share my recovery with everybody, but not everybody's knowing what I'm eating for breakfast, okay? You know, it's just how it is, you know? And, but you know, I am finding out more and more is that I have to go there. You know, I have to keep stepping out saying, uh, you know what, that might have been okay five years ago, but now it's not okay because, you know what, it really made me feel uncomfortable five years ago, but I couldn't tell you because my esteem wasn't there yet. Okay? Or I didn't know that about me, that how much it did really bother me, you know? Because this is a program about change. What worked at five years does not work at ten years, okay? Well, it's cute when that little kid is sticking his finger in his nose at five, or three, you're saying, oh, isn't he cute? Da-da-da-da-da. He's doing that five year slap in his hand. You're saying, stop it. You know what I mean? It's inappropriate, you know? And that's what I'm saying. Stop it. It's inappropriate, you know? And, uh, and I mean, if you're new, okay, but you know what, now you got some time, cut it out, okay? So, um, so that's where I'm at with all this. Thanks for letting me share that one. You know what, I want to be free today, you know, and, uh, you know, I wasn't free there for a minute. I was human. And, uh, but I mean, I'm grateful for these steps and for the loving God, and you know, when they talk about in that step about the freedom from, from, uh, it comes in the tenth step. But, you know, I'm telling you, you know, we get bits and pieces of that freedom throughout the first nine. You know what I mean? It's just, but you get that, that freedom and that tenth step, just to say, okay, this is me, the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent, and you know what, I'm gonna try to do the best, and as long as I rely on my higher power, you know, and that eleventh step, when it talks about asking for his goodness, and when it talks about, you know, just knowing that what's it all about, you know, and what's it really all about? It's really all about just being there for you, and being there for me, and it's about love and service. You know, it's not about big I's and little U's. It's not about all that crap, and I'm so sick and tired of hearing that in the room. You know, they think they're somebody. They are! They are somebody! You know what I mean? Just like you! You know what I mean? Well, somebody! You know? I mean, what's the problem? You know? And those are the things that get me, you know? It's like, you know, or when people say, oh, they're breaking that twelfth tradition, you know? Well, you know, I mean, if they were talking about you speaking at the world convention, you'd be saying yep, yep, yep, you know? They're talking about you because you're acting out? Well, you know what, they're gonna talk about you, good, bad, or otherwise. It's okay for them to talk about you good when you're doing good. You don't want them to talk about them when you're acting out. They're gonna talk about you. Get with it. You know what I mean? Accept it. You know? I mean, we're all one. You know what I mean? They're not going out of school. You know, they're talking about, you know, and that's, see, but that's what, again, the isolation and separation of this disease. You know what I mean? Wants to isolate and separate all the time. You know what I mean? But you stay focused on that tenth step, you know, working on that ninth step. Like I said, always being in forgiveness. Trying to be. You know, understand. That's what I love about the eleventh step. It talks about understanding instead of being understood. You know what I mean? You know, understanding. Understanding. You know? And it is a tough, I mean, some days you got tons of understanding. You can understand everything. Oh, I understand that. Sometimes it's like, you know, this really does not make sense. You know what I mean? And I am not going with it. You know what I mean? And that's just life. You know, none of us are perfect. I mean, and I'm just grateful that I know that now. Because I was vigilant. I tried to be. You know, for a long time. And I kept failing. You know what I mean? And you know, this woman used to tell me, failure isn't final. You know, it's okay to strive for perfection. You know what I mean? But you know that there's never a destination to it. Okay? Because there's always room to change and grow. You know? And if God's in charge, and he's managing and supervising my life, he's going to take me on a walk far greater than I'll ever know. You know what I mean? And today, just like Mercedes was talking about, I have that evidence in my life. You know, I just show up and stuff happens. You know what I mean? I show up and doors open. I need a place to live, I get a house. You know what I mean? I mean, it's just like that. You know, and I didn't need a place to live, but they sold the building. I lived it. You know, and I'm like, okay, where do I go now? You know what I mean? And he provided the way. Because when there is no way, he provides one. When you don't know how to make the amendment, he'll provide that. It's all through that reliance on that higher power. You know, because like they told me when I was new, if you don't seek God, you're fucked. You know what I mean? So, you know, and I hate to swear like that, but that's what they told me. You know what I mean? And I mean, I'm just grateful to be a member of Narcotics Anonymous and for, you know, the support and the love and Mercedes and everybody, and thank you very much for letting me share. Thank you. I'm still a man of culture. Can we end this with a group hug and a serenity prayer? And I'd like to thank both the speakers because my higher power blessed my path with your presence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hold on to the person next to you. I'm stuck. They might just say goodnight one day. May the most grateful attic take us out. Wow. That's the serenity. To lose out the things we cannot change. The courage to change the things we can. And the words of the soul of the earth. Just for today. Keep coming back. Alright. Alright. I'm forearm. Okay man. Shut up. Alright. I'm ourselves. I'm yours. I'm yours. I'm your self. I'm yours. I'm yours. I'm your self. I'm yours. I'm yours. I'm yours. I'm yours. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. They have always called me Grandma. They always have. They got a new family who's taking that down. Vicki, my God. DJ. She's charming. I'm a fan. I'm a fan. I'm always a fan. I'm a fan. I'm a fan. Get away. Where you want me to bring it? Okay. Okay. Where you at? Come on. Come on. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Going down? All right. All right. All right. This will be awesome. Hi. This will be awesome. This will be awesome. Move aside. Move aside. Move aside. Move aside. Move aside. Okay. Thank you.