Patti O. – Spiritual – The Blackout Drinker’s Guide to Recovery – 2008

I'm Patty I'm an alcoholic grateful to be sober I'm grateful to be in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I want to thank Tim for inviting me on your behalf to participate in my recovery I want to thank my son for coming with me and introducing me I was diagnosed with a pulmonary disorder not so long ago and I wasn't sure how the altitude was going to affect me if I was gonna be able to breathe and I thought well maybe not breathing would be problematic so I wasn t sure though so I asked my son if he would come with me for a couple of reasons one I figured if I have trouble breathing he could at least you know take me to the emergency room and secondly if I couldn't be here he gives a great AA talk and he could give an AA a talk for you and I thought how noble of me I mean how many AA talkers do you know that carry a spare so unfortunately I'm not having trouble breathing Pat so you're out of the boat I am I want to give a shout-out to our friends from Wacky Paw I'd like to invite all of you I'd like to in right all of your to participate in the New Year's Eve event and pre-register for the conference. I've been involved on the outside of young people's events for a number of years. I had the opportunity to participate at ICIPA, the international conference, and I want to tell you, for an old lady, it was the most powerful experience I have had in Alcoholics Anonymous in 33 years. So if you haven't attended a young people conference, please avail yourself to Wacky Pods. It's a great opportunity to put... It's like an IV shot of enthusiasm back into your program. Anyway, that's my commercial. Tim asked me just before I got up and talked, he said, are you going to tell the truth or lie? And I said yes. You know, I don't know about anybody else in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I never knew when I was out there that on November 22, 2008, I would be here expected to report to you what it used to be like if I would have known when I was out there that I was going to be here tonight reporting what it use to be life I would paid more attention to my life but I didn't know that it was going be important so I didn' pay a lot of attention if I wouldn't known about that I was gonna end up in Alcoholics Anonymous and if I won't have known about steps 4 and 5 I can guarantee you I would not have done some of the things that I did but I don't know it was gonna be important I didn't know about the steps, so I didn' t pay a lot of attention. Coupled with that, I'm a blackout drinker. I love blackouts. I love Blackouts. I didn''t know you could have an Allen on Blackout, though. Now I think there's hope because I love an alcoholic, too. In fact, I love another alcoholic and another alcoholic, and I found a couple here tonight I love, too, but it's kind of sad at the countdown. They all have less than a year, which is sort of my M.O., but um i love blackouts there was nothing to me there was nothing more exciting for me than leaving work on november 6th going back to work on November 11th and discovering that you'd been there the entire time it just um it makes the time between paychecks so much shorter i just uh i really wish we could have blackout sober but if you're a blackout drinker and you're not paying a lot of attention to your life, it makes what it used to be like a little sketchy. So a lot of what I report to you has been reported to me by other people. And I just have to believe they were telling me the truth. I also have a job that I had to get a fingerprint clearance. I'm really, really good at fingerprinting. I fingerprint really, really well. I roll right with them. I don't resist it. I don't go too fast. I don't roll too slow. I just loo-loo-loo ride along with them and I was being printed for my job and I didn't want to raise any red flags so I said very casually to the woman doing my printing. I said, well how far back are you going to check? And she looked me in the eye and said from the day you were born. And I thought oh my god it's like a fifth step only it's in the wrong order because they're going to know about it before I do. And the book Alcoholics Anonymous says more will be revealed. It doesn't say how. So when my, I don't know if you guys hang out with a lot of normal people but normal people when they're going to give us what they think is bad news, they kind of have a hesitancy in their voice. And this woman was really hesitant when my report came back and she called me up and she said, you know, your report came back and I said, uh-huh. She said, normally these reports are two or three pages long. I said uh-uh. She said yours was 56 pages. Do you want to come see it? Well of course I did and I can tell you this, I know a lot more about what it used to be like having read that report than I knew before then, so this is the story I tell. It may or may not be the truth, but I like the story, so I just keep telling it. I didn't have my first drink until I was 13 years old, and I'm really sorry I waited that long. But I had absolutely no idea what alcohol would do to me or for me. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I didn'T know it was alcoholism. I thought my father was weird. I didn'T know it wasn't alcoholism, But I never had any, I never thought, oh, I can't wait until I drink. I never though I would never drink. And I just really never thought about alcohol at all. And yet when I was 13 years old, I was on a camping trip with a group of girls. We were camped on the beach in Southern California. And I remember that Friday night getting into the tent. And in my pillowcase was a bottle of vodka. And to this day, I don't know where that bottle came from. I've always believed it was the grace of God. But I've never been able to confirm that. But I had no idea what alcohol would do to me or for me, but I remember being excited about having it. And I asked if anybody wanted it, and they didn't. And the reason they didnít want any was all we had to mix with it was grape soda and root beer. And I said, ìWell, so what?î And I took off the top, and I drank half the bottle, and I looked around the tent, and nothing had gotten different. Nothing had changed. So I drank the second half of the bottle and that was to be the end of my social drinking. Never again after that day did I ever offer anybody a drink out of my bottle. And I don't know about anybody else in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I never got resentments until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I never had resentments out there. But one of my early resentments in Alcoholic Anonymous is I heard you talk about your first drink. And you talked about taking the drink and you described the warmth in your mouth. And you described a sensation as it went down your throat. And you talking about how it felt is it hit your stomach and it exploded. And it went to your fingernails and your toenails and your pimples dropped off and you grew a couple inches, you dropped 20 pounds and wonderful things happened to you. And that simply wasn't the case for me. I had my first drink of alcohol and absolutely nothing happened to me for about 15 minutes. And at the end of the 15 minutes the only thing that happened to be is I had to go to the bathroom. And it's my belief tonight that if you were to drink a quart of anything in about 15 minuets you'd have to go to the bathroom. So I got out of the tent, and I shuffled down to the outhouse, and I went in and went to the bedroom. And when I got done and went up, I realized I was absolutely totally 100% paralyzed to the toilet seat. I couldn't move. I couldn'T even blink. I didn'T feel my heart beating, and I was overcome with a sense of fear. And, of course, the fear was that somebody else was going to have to come use that outhouse and there I was paralyzed tothe toilet seat now. Later in my drinking, I did discover that two people can use the same toilet at the same time if the second person is very careful about what they're doing. But I didn't know that at 13. I did somehow intuitively know that the body was made up of energy, and I somehow figured if I could gather my energy, I would be all right. So I've always referred to it as my first formal meditation because I sat and I gathered my energy. And when it seemed to be centrally located, when it seemed to all in one place, I just sort of fell off the toilet, out the door, into the sand and started crawling back to the tent. Now, of course, since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, you've explained to me that my entire problem that night was my attitude. If my attitude would have been right, I could have had a fantasy. I was in the Marines. I was being dive bombed as I was trying to get back to safety. And if my attitude had been right it could have been a wonderful experience. Now, in my own defense, I always have to tell you my pants were still down at my ankles. I had started to get sick. I couldn't quite get through it. I couldn'T get around it. And under those circumstances, it's a little difficult to have a good attitude. I did somehow manage to get back to the tent. I fell in and I passed out. And when I came to in the morning, I realized nobody was in the tent with me. And I couldn' figure out where they went until my eyes cleared enough that I realized I'd been sick all night long. I'd hit the top of the tent, the side of the tent. I hadn't missed a square inch and quite frankly I didn't want to be in the tent either so I got out of there and that was my first drink of alcohol and it was the most amazing, incredible fabulous, magnificent spiritual, wonderful, marvelous thing I'd ever done and it must have been because I put some amount of alcohol into my body from that day until the day I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn' t always get drunk, and I didn't always drink the kinds of things that you would classify as a beverage. I drank a lot of vanilla extract. I used to buy it by the six pack. I just recently found out that they don't put alcohol in vanilla extract anymore, which I think is a total rip-off for our children. I remember the day the guy at the market called me over. He said, Patty, I can't let you buy vanilla extract anymore. He says, I cannot believe anybody bakes as much as you do. And I got cut off from that supply, drank a lot of mouthwash. I drank a little bit of alcohol. I drank quite a lot perfume. Taboo became my after-dinner drink of choice. I still love taboo. I'm telling you what, if you're wearing it, I may follow you too closely and laugh at your neck. I love... I love taboos, but I'm the kind of person that comes to your house and eats and drinks everything in your bathroom. And, you know, when you think about it, How do we know to do that? How do we know to do that? My next door neighbors who are not alcoholic, they've been to my house a couple of times. They have never once eaten or drank anything out of my bathroom. But we just sort of intuitively know how to do that. I had an opportunity to go to college. I went to San Diego State. I graduated from San Diego State with a 3.8 grade point average. I share that with you because it almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous because when I got here I told you I was too smart to be an alcoholic. Nobody with a 3.8 grade point average could possibly be an alcoholic, now in retrospect I can tell you I was a chronic hopeless helpless alcoholic I'm a blackout drinker and yet I graduated from college with a three eight grade point average. I stayed at San Diego and took classes for a master's degree I'm one of those people that if I'm doing something well I want to keep doing it apparently I do school well so I just stayed and took class for a masters degree. I left San Diego because I had taken every class at San Diego State had to offer. I have a disease that manifests itself in rationalization, justification, and denial. No matter what it is I do, I explain to you why I'm doing it. As I'm explaining it to you, I'm hearing it. As I'M hearing it, I'M believing it. And I think I'M leaving San Diego because I'VE taken every class that San Diego state has to offer I don't think I'm leaving because I have a roommate who's a little annoyed with me. And I had this roommate. I'M A BAR DRINKER. I'M a living room drinker, an alley drinker a car drinker, an office drinker a dumpster drinker I don't specialize it is drink but I love bars I love sleazy, nasty, disgusting bars and I know you got a couple of them here those are bars those are those bars with sawdust on the floor the ones where the mirrors are cracks you kind of have to dip around to see yourself in there the upholstery around the bar is ripped where people have tried to hold on as they're falling off their bar stool and it's always a nice touch if there's a piece of broken furniture in a corner somewhere. And they used to be full of smoke. In California, you can't smoke in a bar anymore, which makes absolutely no sense to me. I drank in bars where guys would take a piss against the wall. Apparently they can still do that, but they can't smok in there. But they used to be filled with smoke and that wonderful used booze urine smell. I salivate still when I think of that. I love that smell. In fact, sometimes if I'm in a cranky mood, I'll just go buy one of those joints, open the door, take a hit off of that, and it just perks me up for the rest of the day. But what fascinates me about those places, what fascINATES me is the quality of people who drank in there. I mean, there were CEOs of really big companies. There were bank presidents, admirals in the Air Force, neurosurgeons. I mean that's what they said they were. But even as the most chronic alcoholic, I had a tremendous amount of compassion. Even in the worst of my drinking, I Had a Tremendous Amount of Compassion. And I'd be sitting in a bar drinking, and the guys who drank in the bars that I drank in, and I'm sure this isn't any of you guys, but the guys that drank with me had no creativity. They had two basic lines. My wife doesn't understand, and I have no place to stay tonight. That was typically the end of their pickup lines. and so I have all this compassion. So some guy would come on to me with one of those lines and I would say, look it, I'll take you home with me tonight but I don't want to talk to you again until the bar closes. So the bar would close being a lady of my word I would take the guy home withme. We'd get to my house and I'd send him into the bedroom on the right telling him I had to go to the bathroom. He would go into the bathroom on the righ and I wold go into my bedroom onthe left and I had just sent him in with my roommate. Now, some nights that was okay with her. Some nights she didn't mind at all. Other nights, within a matter of minutes, there would be all this banging on my bedroom door, which I had, of course, locked. I had 7 o'clock classes. I had to get some sleep. But if it would have always been all right or never been all Right, I'd have been okay. But she was so inconsistent. You'd have drank if you lived with her, she was So inconsistent. And I don't think I'm leaving because she's annoyed with me. I think I'm leaving because I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer. I don't think I'll leave because I have one more drunk driving assault charge pending. Another resentment I got in, Alcoholics Anonymous, I found out here you can get arrested for a single charge of drunk driving. I never knew that I was going to get arrested for drunk driving and assault. And it had something to do with how I got out of the car. And here's the thing, I'm driving down the street and the light comes on behind me and I pull over and the officer walks up to the car Now, the first thing I do is slam my car door open. My intent is to knock him in the private parts. Men are a little fussy about their private parts, so as the door's flying open, he jumps back to protect himself. And when he jumps black, it's really a good thing because now he's far enough away that I can get him in focus. And I think one of him, one of me. One of him and one of you, I think I can take him. One of you and one to me, I'll try and go for him. It would be a really good fight for a couple of minutes, but I wouldn't remember that back at the car he had a friend. And the friend had a radio, and the friend would call some more friends. And pretty soon it would be two or three of them. One to me, it's not fair anymore. I say, uncle, and they take me away. And the next time the light comes on behind me, I pull over. The officer walks up. I slam my car door open, try and knock him into private parts. He jumps back to protect himself. He gets far enough away that I can get him in focus. And I think, one to him, one of me. One to him. One to he. I think I can take him. One to you. One to I. I think go for him. Good fight for a couple of minutes, but I wouldn't remember the friend, the radio, and the friend's friends, and presumably four or five of them wanted me. It's not fair anymore. I say, Uncle, and they take me away. I didn't do that once or twice. I did that three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve times. Never remembered the friend, the radio, and the friends' friend. And that's the insanity of my disease. The insanity of mine is I do the same thing over and over, and I think the results are going to be different. This time it's a fair fight. This time I'm going to take him. And when you get out of the car like that, they attach an assault charge. They don't even care that they won the fight. Drunk driving assault, drunk driving assault. And I drank during a time, I don't know if it was good or bad, it just was. I drank During a Time where the state of California didn't get their underwear in such a knot about drunk driving. I understand they're kind of testy about it now, but I never really had any consequences. Well, they took my driver's license from me, but you don't really need that to drive a car. I just um but I'd pay an attorney a thousand dollars which was a lot of money but he'd write a letter he'd make a phone call or whatever and that would kind of be the end of it but this one time I had two pending at the same time and my attorney was nervous and I think if your attorney's nervous you should worry about it so I'm worried about the fact that my attorney's nervous and I was sitting in a bar worrying about the fact that my attorneys nervous and uh I just sort of struck up a conversation with this guy sitting next to me, and as luck would have it, he worked in a mortuary. And I came up with a plan. I think alcoholics, we come up with really good plans really quickly. And this was one of my, we don't think them through too often, but we come out with great plans. And, this was on of my better ones. We went over the mortuary, we got a death certificate, we put my name on it, we filled out all the pertinent information, we forged the doctor's signature, and we sent it to the court. Because they can't expect a lot from you if you're dead. I called my attorney and told him he didn't need to worry He didn't worry, I didn't worried Nobody worried for, I don't know, 30, 60, 90 I don'T know what it was days When the light came on behind me again And this time the judge wanted to see me And I couldn't figure out why he wanted to See me, never wanted to See me before, but I'm game I went I'll never forget him looking at me He said, Ms. Ochoa, tell me How is it a dead person is standing in my court? I shrugged my shoulders And with all sincerity I looked at him and said, I don't know, bad luck? And that's what I thought it was. That's what i thought it was. It was bad luck. It was circumstances and conditions. It was the cops. It was you and they and them. It was a lot of things. Never occurred to me it had anything to do with alcohol. Never occurred to me. I don't think I'm leaving because I have one more drunk driving assault charge pending. I think I'm leaving because I've taken all the classes San Diego State has to offer. I was offered a job in Chico, California which is about as far north as you can get. I loaded everything I owned into my car. I had two cases of beer, two bottles of booze and I headed north. I got to Santa Anna which really isn't the place you want to shoot for but I got up to Santa Anna I was out of boozes and I was thirsty. I pulled off the freeway. I have a sense I can find the sleaziest bar in town without even looking for it. I walked into this place. It was full of smoke. It had that wonderful ewes, booze, urine smell. Willie Nelson was singing on the jukebox and I knew I was home. That's as far north as I ever got. 88 miles from where I started from. Alcohol had become my mother, my father, my God, my friend, my lover, my companion, my support. And at some point it had turned, and I've always believed it was in the middle of my first drink, but at some part of my life, at some time at a turn, it began to strip me of self-esteem, self-worth, dignity, decency, integrity, honesty, pride, all the things we have gone for as human beings, and long before I got to you, it had taken it all. Long before I get to you alcohol controlled every area of my life where I would work or live, the people I would run with and eventually the people I would run from, and I didn't have a clue. I thought I drank because I wanted to drink. I didn' t know that I didn''t have a choice. I didn ''t know that at 13 years old I put alcohol into an alcoholic body, and from that day on I had no choice. I thought it was the end of my life. I thought he drank because he wanted to drink. I went into the profession of my choice, I rose very quickly to the top, and that too almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous, because when I got here I told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic. I told him about the trophies and the plaques. What I didn'T tell you about, I was in the newspaper business, and And I didn't tell you about the times that I would come out of a blackout, standing behind a podium much like this in a room full of people, holding an award, not knowing if I was giving it or receiving it. And so I would say thank you, and I would go sit down, and then somebody would elbow me and tell me I was presenting it to the Kiwanis Club and I'd have to get up and start over again. And I Didn't Tell You That, I Just Told You I Was Too Successful to Be an Alcoholic. I arrived in Alcoholics Anonymous with what I pray God was my last drunk driving assault. charge. By 1975, the state of California was starting to get their underwear in a knot about people barreling down the freeway at 80 miles an hour, blowing something in the breathalyzer above their grade point average. And I had gotten stopped one more time and I was taking the field sobriety test. I was doing a great job. I mean, I practice field sobrietty tests a lot. Every time I get released from jail, I get the arrest report, I read it, I find out where I made my mistakes so that I can practice that part so that next time I'll get that part right and I always knew there'd be a next time. I always new there'd been next time, I had a very high-profile job the cops knew who I was they knew what I drove they knew it I drove if I had my car they knew what I'd drove if you I had your car they know what I've drove if i had a stolen car they always uh and they were always looking for me and so I had practiced field sobriety test a lot and what I pray God was my last drunk driving assault I was good I was doing A plus work I mean by then I knew touch your finger to your nose means this it doesn't mean that i know how to talk walk heel to toe tonight i could stand on one foot for 45 minutes i mean i have really practiced this stuff and and on that last one at the end of the test the officer asked me to say the abc's backwards well the time before i had responded with well i can't even do that sober well then i just confessed and And they took me away. So on the last one, when he asked me to say the ABCs backwards, I said okay and I turned around. See, you think it's funny. He wasn't even amused. I was turned around, he cuffed me, and he took me to Orange County Jail and he put me in a cell with criminals. I mean there were real criminals in there. I mean, there were like prostitutes. There were burglars. There were women who had been arrested for beating their husband, which I don't think should be a crime, but in California they lock you up for it. And I knew I didn't belong there. And so I tried to organize a prison break. And I explained the plan very carefully and very slowly to the criminals. And it was an easy plan. We're going to get our coffee cup. We're gonna bang them on the bars. We're make a lot of noise when the marshal comes to see what's going on. I'm throwing my arm around her neck getting her keys and we're getting out of here. Simple plan. And I was to hear something that I was to hear in Alcoholics Anonymous. One of those criminals looked at me and she said why don't you sit down and shut up? And I said fine, then y'all stay but I'm getting out. And now I was going like a mad woman on those bars. Couple problems with styrofoam cups. The first one is they don't make a lot of noise. The second one is the bars have a tendency to eat them up. And when the bars ate them up and it got to my knuckles and it got painful I sat down and I shut up I got released on an OR and I hadn't been released on a no are in a long time and I knew they were making a mistake but I didn't think I should be the one to tell him about it and I got released from that charge I went to court on that charge I was 26 years old I was drunk in court that morning it's the only way I went to Court it's only way went to work the grocery store the laundromat it's the only we did anything I said they're drunk that morning in court I had the public defender standing next to me the day of the thousand dollar attorneys was gone. The only thing I wanted to do since I was in the fourth grade was be a writer. I had an opportunity to go into that profession, I gave it up for one more drink and I and I was unemployed and unemployable. I thought of course I was retired and I had the I had the public defender standing next to me and because of the state of California was starting to get upset about drunk driving they were handing out serious consequences and as a result of my past record I was being sentenced to ten years in prison. I have a son as a direct result of my alcoholism. I never wanted to be a mother. I found out that is not adequate birth control. I didn't like him then. I mean, he didn't do anything. He was like eight months old. All he did was wet and cry. He wouldn't get a job or nothing. I'm not proud of that, but I was willing to use him that morning. And I told the judge that he couldn't put me in jail because I was a single parent and I was self-supporting through my own contributions. And he told me that he would put my son in a foster home because I was an unfit mother. And I would have admitted to being a lot of things. I knew I was a lot of things, but I did not believe I was and unfit mother. I had that kid with me every day of the week whether he wanted to be with me or not. And my son was to spend the first 11 months of his life in one of those plastic things that you put kids in when you don't want to touch him, sitting on a pool table in a smoke-filled bar. But I believed that because I had him with me made me a fit mother and my son was going to a foster home and I was going to prison. And in the middle of sentencing me, the expression on the judge's face changed and the tone of his voice got different and I know he was as surprised at what he was saying as I was at what I was hearing because he looked at me and he said I know this won't work for you but I'm going to offer you one more chance and he offered me an alternative. And part of that alternative was meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and I wish I could tell you that I took the alternative. I came here. I looked at the 12 steps. I knew there was a solution to problems in my life. Worked them all in the first week and skyrocketed to recovery. And actually, if my friend Douglas wasn't here, I would tell you that. But my friend Douglass is here from Laguna, and I know for sure he'd run home and tell him I lied. So but I stood in the courtroom and I thought about it. Jail alternative, jail alternative. I've been to jail. There's more alcohol and other drugs inside the institution than there are some days on the street. If you know what to do, who to do it to, and you're willing to go to any lengths and always was. Jail alternative, and I stood there thinking about it. The public defender was putting his elbow in my ribs trying to get me to make a decision, and I'm drunk trying to figure it out. And Bill writes a line in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, something to this effect. He talks about to be doomed to an alcoholic death or live by spiritual principles. And he goes on to say this is not always an easy choice for us. And I don't think he meant alcoholic death like have the decency to lay down and die. I think an alcoholic death is living in the incomprehensible demoralization, living in the despair, living and looking in the eyes of people who love us and seeing in their eyes that question, why did you do it one more time? I think the alcoholic death is sitting on a bar stool dreaming dreams and planning plans and not being able to get off the bar stool and get it done. I thing the alcoholic death is where my friend TJ is tonight in Orange County Jail because he made an unhealthy choice. I think the alcoholic death is much worse than laying down on the ground and dying. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or live by spiritual principles, this is not always an easy choice for us. And I had that morning what I know tonight was a moment of clarity because as drunk as I was that morning, I knew that if I went to jail one more time, I would either die in the institution or I would be institutionalized for life. And so I took the alternative and I left the courtroom and I drank for three more months. I can tell you in retrospect, I didn't drink a greater quantity. Physically, it would have been impossible to drink a great quantity of alcohol. But I drank with a sense of urgency and desperation that I had never known. And on October 4th, 1975, the day before I was to go back to court to tell the judge what it was I was doing with the alternative he gave me, on that day I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't know what ANA was. I thought it was something like the PTA or Parents Without Partners, and a lot of days it is. But as far as I know, I had never heard the words Alcoholics Anonymous before. I had no idea what you people were going to do to me or for me. And my first meeting was a speaker meeting. I don't know who talked that night, but I heard two things. I heard the answers were in that book, AlcoholicsAnonymous. So after the meeting, I stole the book. I mean, God knows I need to have the answers. I can't tell you how irritated I was when I got home. I read the book. Not only could I not find the answers in the book, I couldn't even find the questions. And I thought, oh dear God, I've stolen the wrong book and I'm going to have to go back and get the right one and I don't know why I'm a thief. It's humiliating for a thief to have stolen the right book. Now I don' t know I'ma thief. I just stay sober a while. My sponsor told me I was a thief I think it's important you have a sponsor I think its critical you have sponsor who is not as emotionally involved in your life as you are. It irritates me sometimes but here's a whole different perspective of my life. I mean, here's the thing. I'm in a bar drinking. The bar closes. I pick up some keys. I go find the car that they fit. I'm driving myself home. My sponsor in the San Diego police think this is Grand Theft Auto. I think it's alternative transportation. I just need to get home. I come to your house. I take a few things. I think of shopping. I have no idea how to live in the world, but you do. Everything I know, I've learned because you have role-modeled it for me. You have shared with me what you do. You show me what your do. You let me watch you. You share your experiences. I take your experiences out in the world and live them, and they become mine. But left to my own devices, I have no social skill. I have one social skill, but I've already used it today. I'm fresh out. I have not social skills. I have absolutely no ability to interact with other people. Left to my on devices. And we have a young boy who had a year of sobriety, 16 years old. celebrated a year of sobriety. His mother was very proud, as she should be, very proud of her son celebrating a year of sobrietiy, so she had a birthday party for him at her home and she invited alcoholics and we all showed up to celebrate this young man's first year of Sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous and I walked in the house and I know how to go to somebody's house because I've seen you do it. I walked in and I said, oh what a lovely home you have and she said, would you like to look around? And I said oh no I can't, I shop and she followed me the whole time I was in her house came out of the bathroom she frisked me but um but I think it's shopping rationalization justification and denial no matter what it is I do I explained to you why I did it and as I'm explaining it I'm hearing it but I'm a thief it's humiliating for a thief to have stolen the wrong book so I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous Wednesday with four days of sobriety I came Back to Get the Answer book that's the only reason I came back. I don't think it matters why you come back, I don t think it matter what your motives are, I think what s critical is what your actions are. Wednesday with four days of sobriety I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous and I ve been coming back ever since. The other thing I heard in that meeting was that we don t drink between meetings. Well I quickly looked around and I didn t see any of you drinking in the meeting. And I thought if you don t drank between the meetings and you re not drinking in a meeting when do you drink? I don't know how that impacts other newcomers, but it made me really nervous. I couldn't figure out why the judge sent me to a place where people didn't drink. I would have understood if he sent me this year's School of Safe Driving. I did not understand why he sentme to aplace where people didn'tdrink, and I figured I needed to go back and correct him. But before I did that, I neededto get the answer book. So Wednesday, my second meeting was a small discussion meeting. And in that meeting, I heard, If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. And I looked around the room, and I looked Around the room. And I could not figure out what it was you had That was so hot that I should be willing to go any length to get it I mean look at the person next to you unless you're sleeping with him. What is it? I you know I Couldn't figure it out, and then I saw him And I truly believe there's a hymn for each of us this guy was a skinny little fellow He was ball-headed he wore baggy pants not like the kids do today I don't know, I haven't seen any baggy pants tonight. I work with teenagers who wear pants that have absolutely no relationship to their body size. They wear pants that are so big they could put a homeless family in there with them. His weren't that big but they were baggy. He had tennis shoes on with no shoelaces in the hole but the holes were there where they should have been and he nodded out during the meeting. And I quickly assessed his situation. I figured he was shooting heroin. Folks who shoot heroin nod out. And I can probably do this thing and not drink if I could shoot a little heroin. So I found out where he worked, and the next day I snuck down to his office, and I said, Dick, I have to do this things called Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of jail, and I don't know how to do it. And he told me if I would go to meetings and read the book and talk to other alcoholics and not drank, he said, I guarantee you won't get drunk. And if you don't get drunken, your life will get different. And I'm grateful he told it to me that way. He didn't tell me my life would get better. He didn' t tell me job life would be better, my family life would get better. My relationships would get better, my finances would get better. He didn't tell me any of it would get better and I'm grateful because none of it has. A little hope for the newcomer but it's all gotten different and as I stand here tonight I can tell you from the top of my head to the tip of my toes I have never had it so good. See I don't know good from bad for me. I'm going through something I think is good for me and it generally turns out to be bad for me. And I'm going through something I think is bad for me, and it generally turns out to be good for me. And I don't know good from bad for my, but I know different. And every area of my life is different than it was the day I walked through the doors of alcoholics. Now, I've gone through pain in the last 33 years. Sometimes life is painful not just for alcoholics, but for everybody. Sometimes life if painful. I've gotten through pain in the past 33 years, I'm rather dramatic so I always refer to it as the dark night of the soul. Unless of course you're going through it, then I just tell you to get over yourself. But in those times, if I don't drink and don't die, and don t drink and don d die, I ve gotten far enough beyond it to, in retrospect, be able to look back and see that every time I thought my life was falling apart, what was really happening is it was falling together. And it had to be exactly that way for God to move me to where he had me be. And I believe that old man. I hadn t believed another human being in a very long time. And this is just my perspective. My brothers and sisters have a whole different perspective of our childhood, but my perspective is this. People hurt me all my life. They disappointed me and they let me down. My parents told me they loved me anymore, their love and I had died. Their love was physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. I made a decision. I clearly remember as a very small child making a decision, I don't want to be hurt anymore. I just don't wanna be hurt any more. You told me you'd be there for me and you weren't. People hurt me, and they hurt me and they hurt me. As a tiny little kid I made a decision, I don't want to be hurt anymore and I begin to build a brick wall between me and you because I needed to keep you out because I just didn't want to be heard anymore and that brick wall worked really well it kept you out. What I never knew about that brick walls it made me a prisoner inside. I lived behind that brickwall in isolation loneliness and when you and alcohol didn't allow me to come out and play. Alcohol just made it okay for me to be back there. When you live behind a wall like that, you don't believe and you don' t trust. And I hadn' t believed another human being in a very long time, but I believed that old man that night. And I didn' t know why then, but I know why today. I believed him because of the music of Alcoholics Anonymous, one alcoholic talking to another. One alcoholic talking with another goes through that brick wall. And I believed it. And I have to tell you, that old male who I thought was shooting heroin was really sober longer than I'd been alive. And the reason that he nodded out in a meeting is he had something inside that I didn't have a clue as to what it was. He had a serenity and a peace inside. He was right with himself, he was right with us, and he was right with God, and I had absolutely no idea what that was about. But I had the book, so I'd open it every day to the line that says most of us are unwilling to admit we're real alcoholics. I'd say amen and close the book and that was reading the book. I'd go down to the Canyon Club in Laguna Beach where they have AA meetings. I'd have a cup of coffee on the way out. I'd Say Hi Jim to the manager. He'd say hi, Patty. That was talking to another alcoholic. My court program said I had to go to two meetings a week. I thought that was really obsessive, but I was willing to go to any lengths to stay out of jail, so I went to the two meetings per week my court program said I have to go and the only thing I did right is I didn't drink. And I didn t drink and I didn d drink and I did n t drink. I pray God happens to everybody who s knew what happened to me. I ve been in pain. Life is sometimes painful, but I have never been in the kind of pain that I was in eight and a half months away from my last drink, the pain of not drinking and not recovering. The pain of not drinking, and not recovery is the greatest pain I've ever been in. And eight-and-a-half months away from my last strength that pain drove me to my knees. And on my knees I took the first step of recovery an alcoholic synonymous I admitted I was powerless over alcohol. Whenever I ingest alcohol I'm damned to live the way alcohol says that I'll live. If I don't like the way I live today, if I don t drink alcohol I can choose to live differently tomorrow. But when I drink alcohol, I have no choice. Alcohol controls every area of my life. Whenever I get into the ring with alcohol, I lose. Whether I'm fighting it because I'm drinking it or I'm fightin' it because you're drinkin' it. Whenever I got into the ring with alchohol, I lose." My son came to Alcoholics Anonymous with me. He didn't have much choice. He was 11 months old. And I would bring him to a meeting and you would hold him and whatever. And at the end of the meeting, you'd give him back to me. And I'd bring him another meeting and you'd hold him during the meeting. Whatever you did with him and at the end of the meeting you give them back to me. I think our kids have the worst of our alcoholism, I think they deserve the best of our recovery and it begins here because you taught my son everything he knows. You taught him how to be kind, you taught him to be generous, you told him how be caring, you taught him how to loving, you also taught him how to con and manipulate and I've never been thrilled with that but apparently you have to take the good with the bad and my son grew up with you and I share that with you for this reason. If just sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous were enough, my son would have never had a problem. But just sitting in the meeting isn't enough. You've got to do the work. And my son had to go on a journey that alcoholic men go on. He lived he was about, I don't know, just before he was 18 years old. He was 17 years old and he came home one night and well my roommate first found a bag of marijuana in his room and I was in the ring with his disease long before anybody was aware he had a disease I suppose because my roommate found a bag of marijuana in his room and I said quickly I said it must belong to one of his friends and um and I don't know something else happened and I rationalized and justified and then one night Patrick came home about midnight and and God did for me what I could not do for myself God will never do for me What I Can Do For Myself He Won't Send Me Money In the mail because i'm able to go to work but he'll do for me what i can't do for myself and pat came home one night about midnight and by this time the bags in his eyes are about down to his knees and he walked in the house and i said these words to him that i would have never said but god spoke through me i said patrick are you loaded and he'd heard me justifying and rationalizing for years he said no i'm just tired i said if you're tired you need to come home earlier you need to make a choice you can either smoke marijuana or you can live in my house but you can't do both. And my son went in his room, and I think the biggest lie that we tell is I'm only hurting myself. I'm Only hurting myself if they just leave me alone. I want you to know from my experience that if you have a mother there is somebody else that's being hurt because after about 10 minutes my son walked out of his room with a backpack over his shoulder and he'd made a choice. Intellectually understand that choice. I have made that choice over and over and and over. If it came between you and a drink, I took a drink. A job and a drinking, I take a drink." Anything and a drink, and I took the drink. I understand that choice intellectually. But when your child makes the choice and walks out of your house, it broke my heart. I was 18 years sober and I sat down on my couch in pain that I had never been in. And I didn't know what to do. I had two solutions. I could either drink or I could kill myself. 18 years sober, that's the best I could come up with. Drink or kill myself. The thing that I know for sure is it doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what I do. I sat on my couch thinking all night long. Doesn't matter what I think. It matters what I do. Sat on my couch. In the morning, my phone rang. It was a woman I sponsor. I don't know about the women you sponsor, but mine never start out the conversation with, how are you? I answered the phone because that's what I've learn to do? I've been trained in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been trained, no matter what I'm thinking, I've been trained. I answered the phone. And she started and she finally took a breath and I said, whoa, cowboy, hold on. We got time to get down to the Canyon Club. Let's go down to The Noon Meeting. We'll sit through The Noond Meeting and then you can tell me what's going on. And I went to The New Meeting and we met and we talked after The Meeting. It didn't take the pain away. But I took one right action and one right action and it alleviated the pain enough that I could start having some different thoughts. It's always about what I do. It is never about what I think. My son had a journey that he had to go on. He went places that no human being should have to go and he did things that no human being should have been able to do. He went up to Northern California and one day he called me collect at work. This is a nice touch. Call collect at your mother's work. Then I get the call and then I'd verbally abuse him and hang up. And then he'd call collect again, and then i'd tell him to go to AA, and he said, I'm not going to be patio's son. And then I would hang up, and then he called collect again. Now about four or five people I work with know that he's calling collect. So finally he tells me that he had an accident. He needed 240 stitches in his head. It was going to cost $120. I'm like, oh my God! Give me the address of the hospital. I'll send a check. He said, oh no, they need cash. I said, well, you're in Northern California. How am I going to do that? So he taught me how to wire money. It's always nice to have new talents. So I wired him the money, grabbed him the money and then about the next week he called he'd walked through a plate glass window and he needed stitches and it was going to be $120 and I was like, oh my God. So I fired him the Money and then about two weeks later he got run over buy his girlfriend's car, and it was going to cost $120. And every time he's calling me, collect, and I'm hanging up. I'm telling him to go to AA. He's telling me I'm not going to be Patio's son. I'm guaranteeing him there's 1,000 people who have never heard of me. And then I'm sending him the money. Now I've got four or five MoneyGram stores going because I don't want this 17-year-old clerk to know I'm send him money one more time. And I'm in the ring with his disease, and now I'm doing everything wrong. I am doing everything wrong. The thing I'm doing right is I'm coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm telling you. I'm going to Alcoholic Anonymous, and I'll tell you I sent the money one more time. I'm come to Alcoholix Anonymous and I will tell you that I sent them any one more times. And the men and women of Alcoholics, God bless you. The men and woman of Alcoholix would say things like this to me. Patty, you're 24, 25 years sober. Aren't you embarrassed to be sharing this in a meeting? I want you to know this. If I am ever too embarrassed to come and tell you the truth, I'm going to be out there drunk. And I don't want to drink anymore. So no matter what it is, I have come here and I have told you the proof. And I sent the money one more time. I sent them money one time. One more time, and on October 23rd, 2002, I got a phone call. My son had moved back to Southern California. I got one more phone call, and one more time God did for me what I could not do for myself because Pat called me and he said mom I need help and God spoke to me one more time. I said Patrick I can't help you anymore. If I come again I'm going to kill you. You stay where you are and I called a man in Alcoholics Anonymous and thank God I called somebody who understood the traditions because when I called him and told him my son needed help he didn't say have the boy call me. He said where is he? And I gave him the address of that motel and he picked up a newcomer and they went and got my son and they brought him to the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you did with him what you have done with me for 33 years. You didn't tell him what to do, you showed him what you do. You didn' t tell him to pick up chairs, you picked up chairs with him. You d' n't tell him to greet, you greeted with them. You did' n t tell them what to d, you show them what to do. And then my son celebrated six years of sobriety at the end of October and he's with me tonight and able to introduce me, and I've never been prouder. I have always been proud of him, but I was never more proud of Him than the night that he and I shared a pitch at the Canyon Club. He was a 10-minute speaker and I was the main speaker. And I don't know any of you who are parents if you, when your child's born, you don't like rock your little child and look him in the eye and think, oh honey, one of the proudest moments of my life is going to be when you and I share a podium at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And yet that Saturday, that night, my son was a 10-minute speaker and he was talking about what it used to be like, what happened and what it was like now. And he talked about growing up without a father and he talked abut the angst of that. And I heard him for the first time. I heard them talk about the pain of growing up with a father and then he looked in this room full of people and he said, but my mother's a blackout drinker and I may never know who my father is. And I thought, oh my God, you've just outed me as a slut. And I sat there in that moment and I thought this. I could have missed it by seconds and inches. If I'd have made a different decision in that courtroom that morning, I'd Have Missed It. If I had made a difference decision to be doomed to an alcoholic death or live by spiritual principles if I had made a different decision I'd have missed it one Wednesday night we go the same meeting on Wednesday night and I was before the meeting some young kid came up to me and he said are you Pat O's mother and I went and found my son I said I will not be Pat O' mother so I now I'm Pat O mother I'm no longer patio I've lost my whole identity but I forgot where I was I forgot who I am oh yeah what it used to be like what happened for me or is the 12 steps of recovering alcoholics anonymous there is no way to get from where I'm was on October 4th to where I am tonight except through the power and the magic of the 12 steps to recovery and I'm not going to do this step so don't panic newcomer But the second step for me, I came to believe that a power greater than myself. And for me the power was not God. For me the Power was the action of the steps. It's never been about what I think. It's been about What I do. I made a decision in the third step. Decisions are easy to make. I think of the third Step like this. I think about it like the GPS thing on my car. I plug in the address where I want to go. And I'm driving down the street and it goes in 200 feet turn left. So 200 feet comes and I think I'm going to mess with her. So I keep going straight. And then all of a sudden she goes, do-do-do, doh-doh-doo, and refigures my route. And then she says in 700 feet, turn right. So 700 feet I think I'm going to mess with her, and I turn left. And she refigurs my route, dooh-dooh-doo-doo. It's kind of like an Al-Anon. Do-doah-doo do-doo doo. Eventually I get to where I go no matter what I do to her. Eventually she keeps figuring out a new route. And that, for me, is God's will. I hear people say, well, I don't know what God's Will is. God's Well is make a decision and take an action. Whatever it is, if it's not the best decision, if it'S not the healthiest action, I'll re-figure the route for you. So make a Decision and Take an Action. The action is a fourth step in the step process. Write an inventory the way the book says to do it. I've got a woman right now I'm working with. She keeps calling me every seven seconds. She's called me twice while I've been up here. and I know what the message is. I don't know how to do it. I think I'm doing it wrong. Do it the way the book says. Make the columns. It's not that tough. Make the column. Do it way the books says. Of course, hidden in the body of text, and I haven't told her this yet. I hope she doesn't listen to this talk. But hidden in body of the text, it says we refer into our list again. We put out of our minds the wrongs of others and we looked at our part which will really take the fun out of it when you get to that. I wrote an inventory. I shared a fifth step. I went home, and I pulled the book down by mistake. I started reading it. I got kind of into the middle of the seventh-step prayer. And when I became aware of what I was reading, that prayer took the longest journey anything's ever taken for me, the journey from my head to my heart. I think the seventh step prayer is the most powerful prayer an alcoholic can have. The seventh-stepprayer is so powerful. This is what it says. Take all of me, good and bad. How great is that for an alcoholic? I don't have to decide anymore. Is it an asset or a liability, a good thing or a bad thing? I don' t have to make that decision. Take it all, good and bad. Leave me with this. Leave me what I need to be of service to you and my fellows. Self or self-centered is the root of my disease. Self or Self-centered, all of a sudden, seven little simple steps, nothing too difficult. They didn' t ask me to build a house or move a mountain. Seven simple little steps, and what happens? I care now more about you than I do about me. How does that happen? and that is the most powerful thing that can happen to an alcoholic of my nature. Steps eight and nine, I got right with the world. I made amends, and it wasn't just about saying sorry. It was about learning how to live differently. That's why I come to you. I don't know how to be a mother, a daughter, a friend, a worker. I come zu you, and you share your experience, and you allow me to take your experience in the world and live it, and it becomes my experience. And you share you're experience, and I take it in the word, and it become my experience? Everything I am tonight, I am because the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous have shared their experience, strength, and hope with me. I need you to continue to share your experience. 10, 11, and 12 are the recovery steps. They're the steps that allow me to stay in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. I think commitments are important. The most important commitment in AlcoholicsAnonymous for me is Coffee Maker. And I know it because of this. They made me Coffee Maker at my Monday night meeting, and after the meeting they gave me this huge coffee pot and this big old can of coffee and sent me on my way. the next Monday I came, I filled up the coffee pot I opened up the can, I poured it in there I put the lid on, I plugged it in and went bloop, about 10 minutes later it went bloop 10 minutes later, bloop and finally after about 45 minutes I guess it was done some guy came in, he poured himself a big old cup of coffee, took a bolt of it, his eyeballs rolled back in his head next guy came and took a cup took a hit off of it and his eyeballs rolled back and pretty soon they were only taking half cups and sipping and they were just taking little sips but nobody said who made this will nobody said who made this crap nobody said they just took little saps of coffee and at the end of the meeting the secretary is making his announcements and he says you know we had a steering committee and we decided Coffee Maker was the most important commitment in Alcoholics Anonymous it is so important we're giving Patty an assistant and and they gave me an assistant and the next week my assistant and I showed up I filled up the pot he opened the can and he measured it in And one more time, you didn't tell me what to do. You showed me what to do." I've taken a first step. I admitted my life's manageable. There is unmanageable. There is no way I'm going to try and manage yours. You have never told me what the do. You've always shown me what to do". 10 says, "...the process is powerful. Keep using it. Keep writing about it, talking about it. Make amends if necessary. Turn your attention to somebody you can help. What is it I can do for you? How can I be of service?" Step 11, "...my prayer in the morning is very simply, Thy will be done." I'm so naive, I believe the rest of the day is God's business. My prayer at night is a little scarier and offer it to anybody who'd like to use it. My current night is dear God, please have people treat me tomorrow exactly the way I treated people today. And when I know I'm going to say that prayer tonight, it will hold me in good stead. I don't flip people off on the freeway anymore. Um, I still count, but I don'T announce the number of items in the guy in the 10 item or less line at the grocery store. And I DON'T live my life so much out of virtue, as I know I'm going to say that prayer tonight. I challenge any of you to use it. It will change your life. And step 12 is the greatest gift you've ever given me. An opportunity to take a little of my past and give it to another alcoholic. To look into the eyes of another alcoholic and say, honey, take my hand. Come with me. Sit in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you don't have to live that way anymore, day at a time. My life today, what it's like today, my life today is beyond my wildest imagination. And I have an incredibly wild imagination I have a I have on November 29th 2006 I was in a hospital room at South Coast Medical Center and when my grandson was born and I had a job I was a photographer I've always had a job but you taught me to have a job if I want this to be mine I'd have a my home group I have the job if you wanted to be yours have a and I a job that morning I was the photographer when my grandson was born and at one point the doctor looked at me and he said, this is a good shot. I know a little bit about the female anatomy and I'm thinking, no, no this is not a good shoot. Not. And just about then my grandson's head was born. And the doctor turned the head and I looked into the eyes of God. And I looked behind him at his mother and I looked intothe eyes of god and I lookedbehind her at my son. And i looked into the eyes of God. And I stood there that morning realizing this, one brick at a time you have taken that brick wall down between me and you. One brick at the time that brickwall has come down to where I can sit in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I can look at you and look into the eyes of God." And I looked into that little boy's eyes that morning and he walked into my heart. My heart that was always so closed, my heart that was always so afraid of being hurt. My heart that had opened a little in Alcoholics Anonymous, that boy walked in and opened it to a degree that I have never known before. And it allows me the opportunity to let more men and women in Alcoholic Anonymous come in and touch me. I'm not afraid of being hurt anymore. I am not afraid that you are going to let me down, you're going to disappoint me or that you're gonna hurt me. Im not afraid anymore because the men and woman of Alcoholics synonymous. 33 years ago, started one brick at a time, taking the brick wall down. I have a little styrofoam thing I throw up sometimes because sometimes I get afraid. And I throw a little styro Foam wall up and then one of you comes and blows on it, knocks it down and takes my hand and walks with me. And whenever you have walked with me, you have opened new doors and added to my life. I'm going to tell a story that puts it all together for me. It's a story of the man that goes to see St. Peter and he asked St. Pedro to show him heaven and hell. St. Pieter takes him into a room much like this, it's a banquet. Tables and tables and tables of food, as much food as you could ever imagine, any kind of food that you'd ever want. And the people in that room are sitting amongst all that food, and they're starving, they're dying, and their hungry. And they reason that they're hungry is they have those long wooden spoons tied to their hands, those spoons that people use when they cook, and the spoons are just a little bit too long, and they can't quite get the food to their mouth, so they're sitting amongst plenty, and they're starving. And that's how I was before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was out there amongst plenty, and I was starving. Then he took him to a room marked heaven, and that room had the same thing, tables and tables and cables of food, as much food as you could ever imagine, any kind of food you'd ever want. And the people in that room had those spoons tied to their hands too, and the spoons were just a little bit too long, and they couldn't quite get the food to their mouth. But the people on that room were full, and happy, and content. The difference was that one man was taking a spoonful of food and feeding the person across from him. He was taking a spoonful of food and feeding the person next to him, and she was feeding somebody else. And that's how Alcoholics Anonymous works for me. I don't have my own answers. I have to come here, and I haveto let you feed me. And every once in a while, if I'm lucky, I get to give a spoonfulof this thing to another alcoholic. And you don't have to have 40 years or 30 years or 10 years or 1 year. If you have 66 days, if you have 1 day, you have something to give to the man or woman sitting next to you. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of strength to continue to choose to recover. I don't have it. Cowards drink and use. That's what I did on a daily basis. It takes a lot of courage and a lot strength to continue to choose to recover. I don't have it, but you do. So I come here. And at the end of the meeting, the person on my right will give me a little strength, and the person on my left will give a little courage, and you give me the courage and strength that I need to continue to choose, to recover." When I was four days sober, an old man told me if I didn't drink, I wouldn't get drunk. If I didn' t get drunk, my life would get different, and he didn't lie to me. And the thing I end with, and I always end with it, I end it because it's been my experience, and pray God it's your experience. We already heard it tonight when chapter 5 was read. It's a line in chapter 5 that says, there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. Thank you.