Pat Y. on Self-Obsession, the Big Book, and Living Sober

About This Speaker Tape

13 years old, a rum and Coke at a party, and the world finally felt soft. Pat Y. describes a life lived in the wreckage of self-obsession, moving from the beach parties of Newport Beach to the gritty truck-driver bars of Los Angeles.

She lived a double life: a demure secretary by day and a go-go dancer by night, using alcohol to kill the shyness that felt like a cage. The narrative is one of avoidance—slipping out the back door of a marriage, flushing a cruel card sent to a dying brother, and hiding behind pillars in church basements. She recalls the hollow luxury of Beverly Hills fundraisers and the sleaze of Chinatown clubs, eventually retreating into a purple flannel bathrobe and the loop of Ray Charles records.

After years of tormenting her mother and losing her grip on reality, a drunk phone call and a pair of rubber thongs led her to a basement in Santa Monica, where she finally stopped running.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Pat Y. opens with a candid admission about her morning grogginess and her love for the enthusiasm of the Omaha crowd.
• 4:15 The Beverly Hills fundraiser story: Pat describes the mental gymnastics of managing 'complimentary' champagne.
• 12:30 The tragedy of the 'Only the good die young' card sent to her brother before his death.
• 22:10 Life in LA: Pat describes drinking in truck driver bars and the humiliation of being watched by the men she'd slept with.
• 31:45 The go-go dancing phase in Chinatown and the 'groupie' obsession with a Tijuana mariachi band.
• 45:20 The 'purple flannel bathrobe' era: drinking alone at home and the moment of clarity watching neighbors in the sprinklers.
• 55:10 First AA meeting: The 'Thrifty Drugstore' script and the experience of being a newcomer.
• 1:05:30 Laughter: The story of Larry G. cutting her off mid-sentence and forcing her to talk to a newcomer.
• 1:18:15 The struggle with Step 5: The tension of reading her secrets to her sponsor and the prayer for honesty.
• 1:35:40 Working the steps in a difficult marriage: The discipline of listening to her husband for 10 minutes a day.
• 1:52:10 The process of making amends to her stepfather and the 'sickening' needlepoint gift.
• 2:05:00 Final reflections on the Big Book and the realization that the problem disappears when you stay in the solution.