Pat R. at the Deerfield Beach Study Group – 2021

I'm a recovered alcoholic, my name is Pat Rogan, and thanks to the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous, which is the program of AA, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, and for that I'll be forever grateful a surely giving me a new way of life and it has its moments but for the most part it's an amazing life that I get to live and you know briefly that's what we Andrew and I talked about briefly is did you know that in the midst of the blessings there's always these moments that define me spiritually you You know, whether it be financial or relational or social, you know, there's still challenges. It's just that I've been given a gift where I have another option. I don't have to go to the drink or the drug. I get to go the source. And I got to constantly remember that, that usually when I'm upset, it's about the resources that the source gave me. You know what I mean? like I get these resources from this source that I've tapped into and then as maybe I get challenged in those resources, maybe I lose some of those resources or maybe I just start worshiping those resources and I forget about the source and I get caught up in that kind of stuff and I gotta share something with you because a lot of you guys have heard my story over and over again and heard me do these series and I'm blessed by the way thank you so much, I don't want to forget to thank you guys for having me here. It's just such a blessing to be able to come here and do this with you guys. I love the guys. The core of this group is freaking awesome. Mike, God bless you. I wish you the best. Godspeed, my friend. And all the guys that I get to meet here, Chris Andrew, all the members of this crew. I just love coming here. I'd love coming to see you guys. This is one of those pockets of recovery that I brag about in Broward County. We're so blessed in Brouwer and Palm Beach County and I don't do much in David. We've got these pockets of recovery, these big book thumpers that are into the real program. It's not just fellowship as part of it, but it's not just that, it's about the program. But anyways, I shared with you guys a couple weeks ago the challenge I had where I misplaced what I thought was a significant amount of money. To me, it was a significant amount of money you know I don't get when I lose money I look at how many hours it took for me to make that physically you know that's how I equate money like that was a day's work you know or that was two days work you know and and I don' like just sit at home and make it on the computer so I actually have to do stuff physical to get it you know some of you guys in the service industry understand that you know so physically I work hard but anyways I shared with you that I had lost a chunk of money actually I didn't I misplaced a chunk of money and I was freaking caught up in it you know what I mean I was caught up like I lost some resource and I just obsessed with finding it and actually to the point where I in my mind accused somebody of taking it yeah and because that's who I am you know I knew that he didn't have any money and now he has money and it must be the money that I had and he must have stole it you knows this is where my crazy bathroom mind goes you know and so anyway you after i went crazy looking for this money uh i surrendered and went to the everglades and i was sitting there watching the fish i think i shared this with you guys watching the fish and the gators and all that on the everglaze and just meditating seeing the sunset and it's a night step story and god enters my heart and says pat do you remember when you stole that guy's money 40 years ago right so me and this ac guy come out of this air conditioning supply house and some one of the employees there had just cashed their check and dropped about 400 on the ground and we saw it right this is i think i don't know what i was 24 years old or something yeah and that was just who i was that's just who I was you know you lost your loss my game that's the way the world works but i had never that was never on a nine-step list That was never something that I thought about making amends for. That's just the way I live, you know? And what God was telling me is now you know how he felt. Now you know Howie felt when he left there and he came back looking for his money and it wasn't there on the ground. And he probably went crazy for a couple of days like I did looking for it, right? And I surrendered. Yeah, I know how He felt. I own amends. And so, I put a number on it, I don't know if that's what the amount was or not, I think it was. That was the amount that I thought I had lost. So the homeless guys in Briar Boulevard have been getting money from me to travel in this direction in the last few days. And I'm going to pay it forward, I'm gonna get right with the universe with it and look at it as amends. So I'm on my way with my sponsor last night. My sponsor's down from North Carolina. And I'm all my way to the 101 Club. I'm doing a big book study over there on Wednesday nights. And I get a call from a friend that I ran with back in the 70s. I mean, my teens when I ran up this guy, right? And his name is Dave. And Dave has been following me on Facebook, right, and he sees some of the stuff that I post And usually it's some kind of non-denial, national, spiritual, whatever, bumbo jumbo. And Dave has been transformed, has been reborn in another fellowship, right? And he wants to share that with me, you know. And while we're talking, we start reminiscing about the tragically funny stories, you know, that we go through. The times when we were off the gas station because we lost our money and we got arrested. Those kind of tragically funny stories that we really laugh about, just one after another. And so I say to him – some of you guys have heard my night step that there was a police officer that I destroyed his car. Me and two other people destroyed his cars because he wouldn't let us entrepreneurs do what we wanted to do on the street corner. Right? And I had never been able to make an amends for that, right? And so I'm recalling this story and I said, do you remember Nick M.? He goes, yeah, the cop. And I said yeah, Nick, you remember when we destroyed his car? And he goes, you know, that was my uncle. I said get the hell out. Nick M. was your uncle? He said yeah. I said oh my God. He says, I've been wanting to see Nick and make amends for that tragically awful night that I inflicted his family with. And actually more than him make amens to his wife because I had shared what you did. But Nick actually asked us, put the word on the street that if we turned ourselves in he wasn't going to charge us. his whole goal was to get through to us how we changed the life of his family and I didn't even hear that until I was in recovery. I didn' t even hear what he was trying to tell me What he was telling me is the fear that I instilled in his wife by destroying her car, you know, that she and her children were afraid to come out of the house after that day And I didn''t even get that until working on my 9 step list program 40 some 50 years later you know actually 50 years ago and uh he's gonna be kidding me and he says yeah he's dead and i said oh that's a shame i said you know i destroyed his car and i really wanted to make not just financial amends to him but tell them how awful that behavior was and how disgusting i feel about that behavior and he's well you know his wife is still alive and I said, I've got to meet him and he lives in South Carolina and it looks like we're going to probably North Georgia soon and I'm going to hook up with him and see if I can get with him but isn't that wild how God works? It's God's economy it's in God's time I've just been willing to make this amends and that's what it says in the 8th step to be willing to make amends to all and I've been willing and I've put it out to the universe and I'm trying to make financial amends indirectly through some homeless funds and stuff in his name. Then he goes to tell me that Nick was probably one of us, that he had wrecked more police cars than you've ever crashed. It's just crazy this long road of reconstruction ahead that we have that God will eventually put in front of us if we're willing And if we continue to walk the path, the opportunity to make right these wrongs that we thought we could never repair. And look, I don't know if I can ever repair that damage, but I sure as hell would like to make an effort. I'm sure that she's probably in her 80s now and that she probably tells that story as if it changed her life. That that night changed her light in a bad way. And I was that negative influence. And thanks to this program, I met that guy. You know, that guy, that kind of disgusts me. That disgust me to look back at my behavior at that time with no conscience, just no conscience running through this world just a taker. Every opportunity I could, it's all about me, what's in it for me, how much is mine, more, more and more and if you got in my way, I would do anything. I would do anything to get you out of my path and it just as a result of these steps as a resolve of living this program reborn is a great word that's why we're here we're talking about step 12 tonight as a resolved of these step having had a spiritual awakening my life has been totally transformed it's a dark to light moment some of it was gradual Some of it was white light, in a sense. I mean, some of it was incredible. My life started to transform the first night that I came into these rooms, into this fellowship. I don't even say into this program anymore because I thought I was in a program and I was visiting a fellowship. I thought the fellowship was the program. If you're new here, welcome to the fellowship. This is the program, this book. Welcome to the scholarship. But I didn't know that. I didn'T know that much about recovery. I thought I was working a program by not drinking and going to meetings because that's what I was told. But I want to tell you something. My life started to transform as soon as I heard your stories. As soon as i heard your story, as soon I sat in these speaker meetings and I would heard you guys share, you know, and the experience, spiritual experience, slash what we read, personality change, started to take place as soon as I hear your stories because I was saying, oh my God, I did that. Well, you too? You know, yeah, I felt like that. Yeah, that happened to me. And there was this bond that was created immediately. Like I felt like I belonged. I wasn't sure I wanted to be here, by the way, still. I mean, I would rather have been somewhere else. But something had me keep coming back. Something just had me connect with you guys. And something had my sit at Denny's with you every freaking night. All hours of the night. And tell our stories. And swap stories back and forth. and there was just this connection that kept me coming like I don't want to be here but I need to be here you know what I mean like I didn't have anywhere else to go first off you know I didn' t know where else I was going I was living in the back room of my mother's house at the time with restraining order and assault battery charges but I felt like I belonged and I tell you the transformation really took place as a result of taking action. Making the decision and taking action and putting pen to paper, you know? I love in the fourth step of this program where it talks about, you Know, looking at life from a different angle. You know, looking at light from a different angle, we look at it differently now, you Now, even the people that hurt us, even people who have legitimate, that we have legitimate beefs with, even the people that harmed us, we look at them differently. We're looking at them from a different angle now. We might even wonder what makes them like that? What took place in their life that makes them so mean? You know, what maybe took place in their life that made them do that to me? I mean, it's obvious the stuff on my four-step that people were reacting to me with. You know? I get that. I wrote three days down on my four-stepper and I went, oh my god, this is all my fault. I mean that was just like a no-brainer. you know they're just reacting to me police arrested me yeah I assaulted somebody that's how that happens you know the IRS attach your bank account yeah if you don't pay them that's what they do they want their money you know you know my wife had me arrested yes I assaulted her you know she took the house he needed a place to live with the two kids you know I got it I mean not that but the hard part was not playing the victim role still you know not being this victim when I got here then it's therefore you had my wife if you had my life if you had my job you know you're under the kind of pressure i'm under you would react the same way as i'm reacting but what really became apparent that i'm a taker i'm gonna freaking take her what's in it for me the the the perversion of these instinctual drives and perversion of these instincts these god-given instincts that i can't get enough of and I'm just constantly trying to satisfy them from the world, you know. More attention, more money, a better car, a different girl, a better girl. Just more, more, more, I'm a taker in life. And I share with you guys that I had almost like kind of a white light, kind of an immediate transformation after my fifth step. that God entered my heart that day. I became a believer in God that day I couldn't define it but I became a believer, I came to believe that there was a power greater than myself that would restore me to sanity that could restore me, if I did the work could restore me sanity I felt like that I had gone from dark to light, that I'd come out of the darkness into the light that day you know like that was behind me and now i have a fresh start and i can't even explain it like it's hard to describe i think anybody who's here that's had this awakening that's having this this spiritual experience the spiritual awakening this personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism they can't explain it they know it's real they know God is but I can't show it to you and I can' t explain it to you. I just know that it's as a result of me doing what this book outlined. Precisely specifically, exactly, following some clear cut directions. I got what this book promised. God entered my heart and to this day lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. It does for me what I can do for myself and what I couldn't do for myself back then was not drinking. It's so much more than that now. It's not about not drinking anymore. It's about not killing myself. It's by not killing somebody else. It's about surviving with me without a drink or a drug, without some substance in my life, without a sex spree, without spending spree. It's about staying in the light now. Staying out of conflict. I can't do conflict. I don't do conflict well. It's about, for me, being content in all things. Paul talks about that, right? I think I had that thing. I love Paul, by the way. If you've heard me do these series, you know that Paul is my favorite guy. In all of history. Paul was freaking a terrorist. Paul was a murderer. Paul was the worst kind. Paul was worse than me. And God loved him. God saved his ass. I always say, knocked him off his horse on his ass. Blinds him. Puts him in prison. And that has him write most of the New Testament. How crazy is that? Uses the broken for his good. As he does here. As he takes the broken to fix the broken. But Paul said that he learned to be content in whatever the circumstances are. Know what it is to be in need and I know what it means to have plenty. I've learned the secret of being content in every and every situation, all situations. Whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him to give me strength. It's not about the resources. And I have to constantly be reminding myself of that. I always think back, there's so many writings that Bill writes about his relationship with Father Ed Dowling. And Father Ed dowling was probably, Bill called him his spiritual advisor, but he was probably Bill's sponsor for the most part. Ebby was bouncing in and out at times I mean Bill always called Ebby his sponsor by name but Ed Dolly and him had this relationship and I find solace when I read some of Bill's letters and some of his talks with Ed because Bill was like me I'm like Bill he suffered from depression, he suffered from anxiety, he suffering from fear his whole life and how he overcome it as Bob did was through work work and self-sacrifice to others right? self-Sacrifices to others live the life of self- Sacrifice and helpfulness to others that means warning to Bill but he said look that's what I do I'm involved I'm in the middle if I'm not in the middle I'm out I can't be on the edge I'm just not one of those guys who can do a meeting here and there a week or so. I'm just not that guy. If you can do it, God bless you. And that doesn't make you whether you're a real alcoholic or not. It doesn't make you any worse or better than me. That's just who I am. I used to think that I was doing something wrong because I still suffer from terrible anxiety on my way here when I have to speak. I hate it. I ask myself every time I'm on myway here, why do I do this? Why do I put myself through this shit, you know? I could be sitting home watching some stupid-ass TV show. You know? And it's because I've got to answer the call because I'm, I've been freely given something that I've gotta share, you now, and I get it. So I walk through it. I ask God to just walk me through it. As I do a lot of things in my day. There was a job today I did not want to do. It was a challenge. It was just, I don't, i've never done it but i want to do it somebody already walked away from it why me why not me why not god walk me through this and i and i accomplish something i walk away from it with a feeling of accomplishment thank you thank you so much and that same thing happens here tonight i'll leave here tonight you know i may not feel good about the talk but I'll feel good about walking through the fear, you know. I mean, there's some nights I lean here and go, boy, that sucked. But it's true. You know, some nights you do suck, you Know. We were talking, Daniel and I were talking about that last week, right? Sometimes you feel like you're just guided by the Spirit, and other nights you feel Like you can't get a word out, you Know. It's just, you Know, it feels terrible up here, and somebody always says, That was great. Well, no, that sucks, you Know. I couldn't even remember my name. Anyway, so I let him down. And Bill asked Ed, will this ever stop? Will it ever end? No. Will I ever just be okay? And Ed said no. No, it's not. You're always going to need more. you're always going to need more he labeled it divine dissatisfaction divine dissattisfaction you will always need more you suffer from more we can't stand still I can't stay still I need to be growing spiritually constantly and no matter where I'm at I need more it's just the nature of my illness I have a severe case I have an severe case I'm one bad decision away from blowing my life up there's mornings that I'm on my way to work and say I'm quitting this shit I've been with them 30 years you know what I mean I'm done, this is bullshit I'm out of here and then sanity returns partway there God just get me through this just get the loss my relationship's like that have you hurt my feelings? F you let's split this shit up now You know? And then I'm just crazy, right? More, more, more I need to find a way to be content in all things with or without the money with or about the job, with or out of the relationship and all the challenges that I've been faced with here I've learned that are all opportunities to grow Look at that! I mean, I lost $400, and I grew from it. And by the way, I found it. Did I tell you I found this? After God put me on my knees in the Everglades, asking for help, and revealed to me that I stole some money from somebody, how's it feel? I go home, and I go to put my watch up on my dresser, and the money's up on mine. I had never put money up on that dresser. Ever. I've been living in that house for 40 years. I never put my money up there. It's either on the dresser in front of the bed or by the sink in the kitchen. Never up there. So you learn from it. Every opportunity, every so-called what I perceive to be a tragedy in this program has been an opportunity to grow and learn. Father Bob Hanlon, who used to do step series, I don't even know where he's at now. He used to be the chaplain at Imperial Point Hospital. We used to have him do a step series every year for us at the bottom line years ago back in the 90s. Father Bob used to say that an active alcoholic addict can find the negative in the most positive situation. They can have the best relationship and find the flaw in it, they can have the best job and find a flaw in them. They could be given a car or given a new Cadillac and find the downside in it. The gas mileage sucks. But he said, a recovered alcoholic will find the positive in the most negative situation. And isn't that part of the transformation that takes place here? That we can find the positive inthe negative. We can find growth in the negative. I can find actual growth inthe tragedy. I can get a divorce and recovery 15 years sober and say, what's next? What do you got in store for me now? And what am I going to learn from this? just incredible gift that we've been given here the 12 and 12 talks about having had this spiritual experience they refer to it as to be able to do, feel and believe things that we were unable to do feel and believe before I mean obviously the reason that I came in here was to not drink or drive and that seems to be the easiest thing that this program has taken away from me look that's the point, don't get me wrong That is the point. We're judged by not drinking and drugging in this program. That's what defines the winners and losers here. But the real test is out there. The real test ist how am I behaving the other 23 freaking hours when I'm not here? What's going on in my family life? What's gone on when I am in the dark? Because God knows me in the Dark. You guys know me by reputation. God knows be in the door. That's the only person that really knows. How am I behaving in the dark? How am I behaving with my co-workers? Am I living these principles of my life? Am I able to do some stuff? It's amazing. I feel love. I feel compassion. I feels tolerance. I feel empathy. Stuff that was foreign to me before I got here. The first 36 years of my life, I knew nothing about any of that stuff. I knew anything. I knew Nothing About Letting It Go. Let it go. They're sick. Let it Go. Look at it from a different angle. Let it GO. Wonder what you can do to help, Pat. Maybe you've got to think about what you could do to health. Anything you can Do to Health? Boy, that's a different Angle. Anything You Can Bring to the Table? That's a Spiritual Experience. My favorite definition, I've said it over and over again here in Carl Jung. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes. What I used to think, feel, and do are completely replaced by a whole new set of conceptions. My thinking is nothing like it was before I got here. My emotions capture that thought. Capture the thought. Another Paul captured the thought, bringing it into obedience. and change my actions, change my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions. A whole new set of conceptions. I look at life totally different today than I did when I got here. That's incredible and it keeps evolving. Thank God. It just keeps evolving I want to be free. I wantto be free of torment. I wanto be free of conflict. And when I'm free of torment and conflict I feel like I'm just part of God. I just feel like God's working through me. But it's hard to do because I'm still somewhat attached to some of the material and the social and the relational rewards of this world. It's just how attached am I? What am I willing to give up for that? I think I shared with you guys when we were talking about 6 and 7 that Father Quinn, Father Kelly, who does the sermons at my church, I just see God working through him. And this guy channels the spirit. This guy's in tears when he's at the altar. This guy does a homily. His eyes roll back into his head. He looks up and boom, he goes. And just like God is speaking through him. And I go, I want that. I look at my wife and say, I don't want that to happen. I want it. No, I'm not. No, no, I won't. I'm willing to give up the material and the relational for that. I wish I was. I'm just not. I'm just not that healthy. You know? I still worship the money to a point. I still like my house. I like the truck. I still like sex. Am I really willing to give up what he's given up to have a relationship he has with his higher power? Because you can see that he has no connection to the world. He doesn't need this. he has everything he needs I mean you can just see it you can feel it am I willing what am I going to give up to get that apparently not enough apparently not but I tell you what as time goes on we'll see we'll seek so I am able to believe and I actually have belief in the proof of God Not just a blind faith anymore. I mean, I have proof of God in my life. This book promises that. This book promises you will have proof. Results is proof. When I'm in the light, there's proof Of the presence of God. I heard it's like a child in their bedroom not able to see their mother in the other room but knows their mother's there. Do you know what I mean? It's like that kind of feeling. Like, I can't see it but I know it's present. I know God is present. As opposed to the child that's in the bedroom alone knowing nobody's in their house and scared to death. That's the kind of faith that I have today. And that's the message we carry, right? I think it was Dion used to always say that when him and Ben used to do the steps, you know, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we carry this message. And then he would say, what message? And they'd say, having has a spiritual awakenings with all these steps we carry in this message, and then he'd say what message. Well, that's some message. Having had a spirit of awakening as the result of this course of action, we carry that message. A tremendous fact that you read and you can read. If we have a way out, we have a common solution. That's the great news. That's what we have. By the way, that's the only solution we've got here. If you're new, bad news, good news. Good news is you don't have to believe in anything. There is no belief requirement in recovery. That's good news! You can be an atheist here. You can believe in the proof of the non-existence of God and be a member of alcoholics and others. Bad news is this is all about finding God. that's just the way it is you know we're for people who have no other way out you know if we had another way out we wouldn't be here right I mean if I had another fellowship I could belong to I wouldn't be here my mother doesn't brag about me being a member of AA or CA you know she can't I mean she would love to be able to brag that I'm like a Eucharistic minister in St. Elizabeth's or you know I'm in charge of RCIA in St Elizabeth she'd love to Bealeville to say that she don't tell her friends that I spoke at the Cocaine Anonymous International Convention they grab their purses when she says shit like that. She don't brag about me being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. She loves the fact that I'm a member. But she would much rather me be. Look, if I could have done this at church, I would have. What did it say in our book? A couple times, right? If a better philosophy on life and a better code of morals were sufficient, most of us wouldn't be here. I would still be here, but most of uns wouldn't. I didn't have a code of morals before I got here. I had no philosophy on life. Take what you can. Get them before they get you. Learn to behave. Selfish, inherently selfish. Inherently a taker. And I think we're all born that way, don't you? Anybody, do you have kids? Aren't they inherently selfish? Right? You didn't teach them that. They want what the other kid got. they can have three of them and they have one they want that one it's just inherent it's like survival, I need more that was just the way I lived my life my whole life at some point you're supposed to learn to share at some part of your life you're not supposed to be a taker I didn't know any other way to live but that's the message we have here that's what we have I could live a pretty good life if I could practice these principles in all of my affairs. That becomes the trick, right? What am I doing out there? Am I practicing these principles with my family life? Am I practising these principles at my children, my grandchildren, with my wife? practice of these principles at work? Am I a co-worker to my boss, to my customers? Am I representing a fellowship that proclaims that God is our solution? Good question. Not always. If I could do that right if I could do that at work and if I can do that in home I don't get too much trouble at night anymore i could be reasonably happy and so could the people around me be reasonably happy if i could practice those principles that's a tall order that's a tall word especially in a world as chaotic as we're living in right now and the traffic and just everything that seems to be an obstacle in my life right i mean i try to pete and i were laughing monday night we were talking about, I went to Tallahassee for Christmas to be with my wife's family her daughter and husband and her four grandchildren and traffic was unbearable. I mean traffic was crazy. It took us eight hours to get there. It's a six and a half hour ride normally. It takes eight hours to get there, nine to get back. And I was fine. I was like spiritually fit. I mean I was okay with it. He says, what do you want to listen to? Do you want us to do a speaker or do we want to listen to some music? What do I listen to, you know? I remember calling my sponsor this is a couple years ago. I was calling my sponsor in the morning, like 7 o'clock in the evening. I'm sitting in traffic on 95. I got a day's work ahead of me. I said, I can't deal with this traffic anymore. You know what he said? You are the traffic. You're the traffic, Pat. I went, oh shit. I am the traffic I'm part of the traffic Chill out. Read something. Call somebody. Get out of yourself. But that's tough, right? I have an AA sticker on the back of my truck. I have one on my motorcycle. I wear an AA symbol around my neck. And not because I'm bragging that I'm in AA. in AA and the cool thing is when somebody knows what that is that's just a great moment isn't it like when you walk into somebody's house and you don't know them but you see a big book right there's a connection that's made right there or you see the medallion or you see on their car the logo you know it's just I love those moments I live for those moments but I better represent that if it's on the back of my truck right like I can't be telling people they're number one you know in traffic if I got this I gotta represent this logo I'll tell you something. It stops me many times knowing it's on the back of the truck. I got it on my work van, too. One of my favorite stories, early in recovery, Brian H. was my sponsor. And Brian was telling me this story. He says, I'm going through the Sawgrass Expressway, and this guy in his van cuts me off going through the toll booth. And he says, hi, I am pissed. He said, I can't get through the toll booth fast enough to chase this guy down the Sawgrass Expressway. And he'd kick his ass. You don't want to kick his arse. And he's chasing the van down the sawgrass expressway. And he says, the closer I get to the van, the more it looks like your van, Pat. He says, and I realize I think I'm chasing my sponsee down the saugrass expressway to kick its ass. I never forgot that story. Never forgot that store. I have literally chased people into a meeting. Have you ever done that? Like, I'm going to my home group on Hillsborough Boulevard and this asshole's in front of me. And I'm tailgating their ass. You know, like, God, I've got to move it, man. I'm a little late for the meeting. And they pull into the meeting, right? Thank God I didn't give them the finger, you know? Wouldn't that be embarrassing, right, give somebody the finger and then be up here and then we'd be sitting in the front row, right. Like Mr. Spiritual up there, you don't know. just told me to f off like at the last light you know and i'm capable that's taller man practice these principles in all of our affairs look and i the miracles like i said as much as there's fear involved in doing these talks and uh i would much rather do a big book study by the way than a step series and let the information speak, you know, but as much fear as there's involved in this, I get to do this. You know, I get that. I get what I have to do with this. And that's been the evolution of my recovery. My recovery has gone from, you Know, I have-to-be-here. You know? I'm trying to get my shit back. Like, I didn't want what you had. I wanted what I used to have. You know what I mean? That's kind of hard. If you want what we have, I don't want it. I want what I had. You know. I'm here to get me wife back and my kids back and my house back. You know ? I have to be here. But then he realized that you need to be here. And I realized that when I made that connection with you guys, I realized I needed to be there. And then there was some point, and I don't know where that was, it was in the first couple of years where I wanted to be here. I really wanted to be here." And now I realize that we get to be here. We're chosen. We actually are chosen. You know, Ben T. always says that that arch that we walk to freedom, it says freedom on this side and we walk through it and we turn around and look And it says chosen. It says chosen We get to be here, we are the healers We are the experts As I say in chapter 7 Probably some of the most Important information You can help when no one else can You can secure their confidence When others fail Remember they're very ill We know that Because we have something nobody else has A story we have the doctors, the psychiatrists the psychologists, the clergy they don't have a story unless they're one of us we have a soul our defects become our greatest asset our tragedies become our greatest asset, our shared suffering becomes our greatest assets because when that psychologist was sitting with me and my wife and said I know how you feel No, no you don't. No you don t. Have you ever given up custody of your child and drank instead? Have you gone to jail knowing if you picked up a drink you were going to go to jail? Did you ever lose a career because they told you if you showed up drunk one more time you were fired and you showed can't you? Man, I don't answer. No, you don't. You have no clue how I feel. You guys do. You guys know exactly how I feel. You know what it feels like to not be able to live for one more effing second without some substance in your life or some person to depend on. I do. I love that paragraph more about alcoholism so what about the times where we just deliberately go out and get drunk we know the consequences we just can't stand ourselves for one more effing second i can't stay in the way i feel for one more second you know you're going to go to jail i don't care that's what i'm saying that's why i said i don' t care you know they're taking your kid i don''t care You know she's going to divorce you I don't care Yeah, I care Not in that moment I would pay any price In that moment for relief I'll pay any prize tomorrow For relief today Any prize I always say We think that one day at a time Is some new thing We've been living one day At a time a whole lot You know you're spending The rent money At the rent This is about now living in the now man you know your wife said you need to come over we're fine she'll get over it it's about the moment buy the bar around I've been living in the moment all my life now that I get to live it in the light that's pretty cool that's really cool to be able to come here and share my weaknesses and us bond and get strength from shared weakness. That's incredible. Where else does that happen? Where else does that happened? We literally get to save lives. That's incredibly. To me, that's such a gift. And I don't mean that literally. Not figuratively speaking. We get to save lives People are dying who don't get to hear this message. Hey, some die anyway. that's just part of the tragedy here but I got to give somebody a medallion Monday night who I've been working with for over 12 years gave him a one year medallium took 12 years to get that one year and he's in the light I don't get to determine who makes it and who doesn't when they reach out I reach out you ask me to sponsor you I say yes yes I don't get to determine who makes it and who doesn't make it in the book life can take on new meaning to watch people recover to see them help others to see Kenny beating his sponsee with a big book over in the corner at the 101 sitting in the car with three or four guys carrying a message that's incredible to get to see that makes it all worthwhile watch people recover see them help others watch loneliness vanish to see this fellowship grow have a host of friends it's an experience you must not miss I go back to one of my first meetings and I've shared this a lot here to this guy at the podium who talked about having a life beyond his wildest dreams and I'm walking into AA losing everything and ending up here and he's in AA and he has a life beyond his wildest dreams and I'm saying, you don't even have a girlfriend or a car. What are you talking about? Are you delusional? I know what he was talking about. I know who he was talking about, he wasn't talking about the outside anymore. He wasn't talking about being validated by the outside. He wasn' t talking about being happy because he had the right car. He wasn''t talking about bein' happy because he was in the right relationship. he wasn't talking about being happy because he's making good money not the job he was at I don't think he had any of that he was talking about something here he was talking about being content he was talking about being conflict free he was talking about like the torment being lifted he was talking about being in the light something I desperately wanted something I desperately and I get I'm there I get to be there. When I'm practicing these principles, I'm there. So real quick, 12-step call. This book is the 12-stepped call. That's what this book is. This book isn't written in the order that Bill recovered. This book isthe 12-step call. Back in working with others, some of it looks dated. Most of it's right on the money. Get with the new guy. Get with the new person. Swap stories. Right? Swap stories. Tell them how you tried to stop and couldn't stay stopped. Tell them once you started you couldn't control the amount you took. That it was always a run. It always led to a run with Dr. Zbigniew. Tell them about the obsession of the mind, the allergy of the body. And tell them how that, how you lived that. that's where our stories have value get your head going up and down yeah I did that, yeah that happened to me yeah I felt just like that then tell them about our solution what's it saying? it doesn't say stay away from the God thing don't scare them out with the God things on a 12 step call it says stress the spiritual feature freely tell them how you recovered I found a power greater than human power I found the God of my understanding that restored me to sanity no requirement for membership in AA there's two requirements for a spiritual experience facing an insurmountable obstacle and admitting it and seeking the power greater than human power to solve the problem those are two requirements for the real alcoholic addict to recover four times they mention it The last time is right before step three, right? Being sold on the three pertinent ideas, right. Being convinced of the three pertinent ideals. The first two steps, that's what the ABCs are. That's one and two. That's a requirement. That's where I start. When we stop right there you need to be convinced of those three vital issues or we're not moving on. And if you're not convinced of that you need to go try this on your own or go to some other fellowship try the church thing I've seen people get sober at Calvary I've see people get silver at church I couldn't do it thank God for AA and the other A's I have other issues and then ask them Dr. Bob We're taking people through the steps in a half day. Are you ready to make a decision or not? Are you in or are you out? You're standing at a turning point. Are you it or are we out? And if you're not in, you're out. We're done. Yes, I'm powerless. I can't stay stopped. Yes, no human power is going to solve my problem. That's what I want to hear. No child, no relationship, no job, no judge can keep me stopped. I've proven that in my history. I have a 20 year history that said every time I pick up a drink, it's not going well. Be ready to make a decision. And then outline the program of action. Tell them about the inventory. Tell them the confession. Tell them restitution. And tell them how we continue to do this to stay sober and continue to carry the message. They did that with two visits. Two visits. Bob was doing it in half a day. I get it, they were lower bottoms. You know, I think the idea of a 90 and 90 when we tell people to do a 90 and 90 is to see if they belong here. You know? And I think that's the deal. I mean, if you're a real alcoholic and addict, I don't know if you have 90 days. But it may take 90 days to figure out if you belong or not. We got the doctor's opinion in four chapters to help you come to that conclusion. to conclude whether you belong or not. Whether you're one of us. And then we concluded the fifth chapter with being convinced. So thanks again. Happy New Year to everybody. You know what? Here's something I read the other day. It kind of sums up. I love this. I was thinking about this with the new year coming in. This is something Sir Winston Churchill said. He said, when I look back on all the worries. I remember a story of an old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. Thanks for letting me be here.